.
[indistinct chatter] - Good morning, everyone.
Good morning.
Okay, let's focus up.
- Quiet!
[chatter stops]
- Morning, everyone.
Okay, uh, before the new district manager gets here,
I just wanted to warn you her name is Laurie Neustadt.
And she's a woman,
so let's not act like that's weird.
- Um, is it weird?
- No. I mean...
just don't act like anything's weird.
Ever. In general.
- Nice recovery. - Man, I hope she's a WILF.
It's a woman I'd like to [bleep].
- [gasps] That's what that means.
- I'm excited to have a woman in charge.
- The world's moving too fast.
Enough already.
- I'm just worried that I'm gonna say something weird.
I wish I knew something more about her.
- I'm Googling her, and apparently she's from Denver.
- Denver, terrific. Let's go with the Denver thing.
- Or we could just treat her like she's a human being.
- Yeah, but we've got the Denver thing
in case that doesn't work out.
- Right, and why wouldn't that work?
- Okay, she's here. Places, everyone!
- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
- Now I'm ready.
- Hey, everyone. - Milady.
- Okay. Um, hi.
I am Laurie Neustadt.
I'm taking over for Jeff.
I'm gonna be here all day walking around,
getting to know the store, trying to figure out ways
we can make things a little more efficient.
So, um, busy day. Let's, uh, get back out there.
- Let's get back out there.
Bet they say that a lot on the slopes of Denver, huh?
- I guess. I...
- Actually, I think this is a different Laurie Neustadt.
- [sighs]
[upbeat music]
♪
- Laurie seems like kind of a bitch, right?
- She's like this strict schoolteacher in a porn
but nothing good ends up happening.
She just, like, teaches.
- Yeah, and her shoes made a lot of noise.
I mean, what?
- Are you guys seriously weirded out by a female boss?
It's 2018.
- You're right.
To be honest, I really liked her shoes.
- You know, a lot of people think women make better bosses
than men.
It's like they say, uh-- Ginger Rogers did everything
Fred Astaire did but backwards and in high heels.
- That's total crap.
When did Ginger dance backwards?
- Oh, uh, it's just an expression.
- They danced in circles or side by side.
- You're only defending her because she's a woman.
That's sexism.
- If she was a man, there's no way we'd be
standing around talking about her appearance.
- Exactly.
- Name one picture where Ginger Rogers was better
than Rita Hayworth.
- I don't know any.
- Ginger Rogers was nothing.
- Come on, man.
"Big Time." "Top Hat."
"Swinging Down to Rio."
You froze up, dude.
- ♪ Down to the Love Shack
♪ I got me a Chrysler, it seats about 20 ♪
♪ So hurry up and bring your ♪
- Ugh, Laurie's gonna be looking at our stats,
and my checkout scores are terrible.
That scanner never works for me.
It's probably because I swallowed a magnet
when I was four.
It just never came out.
- Who cares if you're bad at one thing?
I'm bad at driving, but I'm good
at texting and driving.
- My UPM score is a five.
- A five? Even I got a 30.
- Well, you have better hand-eye coordination.
I can't be wasting my time playing "Star Trek" video games
all day. - Uh, it's "Star Wars."
- Same diff. They're just ugly people floating in space.
- Yeah, they're not floating in space.
They're on planets most of the time.
That's just an ignorant comment.
- Oh, excuse me,
you're the floor manager, right?
- Uh, yeah, hi. Amy.
- Hi. Um, there is an employee,
Sal Kazlauskas, who has a lot of open
sexual harassment complaints against him.
- Yeah, it's fine. He died in the wall.
- That's this store? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, good to know. Thank you.
- Yeah, anytime.
Hey, um, can I just say, it's-- it's really cool to have
a woman district manager.
I mean, it's about time, right?
- Thank you. Well, I had to have sex
with a lot of board members to get here, so...
I'm kidding. [laughs]
- [laughs] No, I didn't--
I mean, I wouldn't--
Anyway, uh, if I can, you know, give you a hand with anything,
let me know. - Oh, actually, you know what?
I would love some help with some of these
personnel details.
- Oh, uh, yeah. Okay, sure.
Arby's has the meats, but Amy's got the deets.
I'm sorry. That was weird. - That was weird.
- Hey, I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page
about keeping this whole situation from Laurie.
- Oh, 'cause you're not married.
- What? No.
I just mean a lot of bosses don't like preggos.
- What? No, everyone loves preggos.
It's like the saying.
Everyone likes preggos, LEGOs, and Eggos.
- Not me. If I hear someone's pregnant,
all I think about is bathroom breaks
and doctors' appointments and hormones.
It's like, we don't need another Elias.
- Okay, but Laurie's gonna find out eventually.
- Well, we'll deal with that if it comes to it,
but for all we know, I may lose the baby
and this is never even an issue.
- Wait, what?
- I'm just saying, things happen.
I live in a very dangerous neighborhood.
People are always pushing other people.
Anyway... [knocks]
Later, boss.
- [stammers] Move! You've gotta move.
- We try and keep Carol and Sandra
on opposite sides of the store.
It's sort of like a-- like a Crips and Bloods thing.
- And Justine Sikowicz?
- Justine is a hard worker.
Um, she cries a lot in the bathroom.
But not, like, in a way where you feel like you have
to go in. - Got it, okay.
Uh, Myrtle Vartanian?
- Oh, Myrtle, yeah. She's sweet.
She doesn't do very much. Doesn't do it very well, but...
- She actually makes more money
than anyone else at her level.
- Yeah, well, I guess when you've been here that long,
even 40-cent pay bumps add up, huh?
- Good to know.
All right, well, at least we know
we can cut Myrtle.
Okay, why don't you tell me about Cody?
- Oh, wait, uh, sorry. Um, when you say cut Myrtle,
you don't mean like--
- Oh, my God, no. I'm not, like, a monster.
- Oh, okay. Phew.
- I'm not, like, gonna literally cut her.
No, I just mean fire her. - Oh, um--
- Okay, tell me about Marcus White.
What's his IQ? Because if it's low enough,
we get a tax break.
- [laughs]
.
- So out of the blue, she just decided
to fire Myrtle?
- Exactly.
Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
- There has to be a reason.
- Well, I don't know. I just met her.
I don't know what's inside of her mind.
- I think you do know.
- Okay, fine.
I might have mentioned that Myrtle is not
very good at her job.
- What? Why would you say that?
- Because she asked me about Myrtle.
- So you led with, "Myrtle's not good at her job"?
- No, I led with, "She's very sweet,
and she's not very good at her job."
I don't know. We were bonding.
Are we gonna stand around and just point fingers,
or are you gonna help me fix this?
- I was thinking we could point fingers
for a few more minutes.
- Myrtle's a fixture.
I mean, would you want me to fire the light bulbs
or to--would you want me to throw our plumbing
out into the cold?
- I would, if the pipes cost us more than any other pipe
for doing inferior work.
Look, I'm sure she will find another job, Glenn.
- Who's gonna hire her?
She's useless.
Can I at least wait until the end of the day?
I would like to show her one last perfect day
before she wanders off into the great unknown.
- Okay, I'm asking you to fire her, not kill her.
- How do you live with yourself?
[scanner beeping]
- [sighs]
- Is sighing really gonna help me go faster?
You're just wasting air.
[scanner beeping]
- [sighs]
- [sighing mockingly]
There, how do you like it?
I just can't make it work.
Okay, I-I don't know how you check out people so quickly.
- Why don't you just go into Glenn's computer
and change your stats?
- You can do that?
- You kidding me? I do it all the time.
Why do you think I never work Fridays
but get paid for Fridays?
- You think I should?
- Well, isn't that kind of like cheating?
- Not really.
'Cause if you think about it-- - It's cheating.
It's 100% cheating.
- I think Garrett makes a good point.
I'm gonna do it.
- Well, I guess while you're in there,
you can change your employee photo too.
- Enough about the photo!
I had a lot of sodium that morning.
- I just get nervous if I go too tight,
it'll hurt the baby.
- Women have been wearing corsets for centuries.
If a little squeezing hurt, I think we would have heard
something about it.
- There used to be really high infant mortality.
- Fine, I'll go get Justine to help.
- No, no!
I'll do it. I can do it.
- Okay.
- [grunts]
Oh, it's pretty tight. I don't know.
- Sandra, I swear to God.
- Why don't you just tell Laurie you're fat?
Because fat people are fat everywhere.
This is clearly a baby bump.
- We could pad you all over,
like how they do Hollywood actors.
Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Tyler Perry.
I am not intentionally just naming black actors.
- Sandra, if I didn't need your Hulu password,
I would kill you right now.
- Myrtle, what would be your idea of a perfect day?
- I guess I'd like to spend one more day
with my late husband, Charlie.
- Oh, okay, but what about a perfect day in the store?
- If Charlie came in the store.
- Okay, I'm not God.
- Hey, Myrtle, you borrowed some scissors,
and I need them back.
- You leave her alone!
This is Myrtle's day!
You take all the scissors you want, honey.
- Hey, Laurie, um, can we talk to you?
- Sure, who's this?
- Hi, um, I'm Jonah. Simms.
- Mm, he does look like a male Tinkerbell.
- Uh, you can't fire Myrtle.
She is an invaluable asset to this store.
- Okay, Amy, I really don't want to fire anyone, right?
Certainly not a sweet old lady,
but corporate is on me to cut the budget.
- What if we found the savings elsewhere?
Could she keep her job then?
- She makes $20 bucks an hour.
- Myrtle?
Dude, yeah, no, that makes sense.
It's nice to see a woman not just making 79 cents
on the dollar.
- We can find those savings.
I just cut my own home budget down simply by going
to the library when I need the Internet,
so if we do it, can she keep her job?
- Sure, yeah.
Give it a try.
- All right. - Thank you.
- Tinkerbell.
- I don't know where she heard that.
.
- I-- It's tough.
- Come on, you went to business school.
Can't you just track down some wasteful spending?
- It's not like there's a line item for wasteful spending.
- [sighs] Well, let's think outside the box
or cut the pork.
Like, that's a thing, right?
- Those are words, yes.
- Come on, Jonah. You can do this!
I know you can do this. Come on, baby!
Find the money!
Show Mama the money.
- O-okay, all right, okay, I appreciate the energy, Mama.
But can you let me focus?
- Yeah, okay, whatever you need.
- Well, okay, we leave the A/C on in March.
It's just competing with the heat.
If we turn both of them off,
that would save us $200.
- Yes, okay!
Mama smells the bacon 'cause Papa found the pork!
200 bucks! - I don't like any of this.
- Neither do I, but Mama can't stop.
Okay.
- Why are you shutting the blinds?
- [whispering] So no one can see us.
- [loudly] Oh, you're afraid we might get caught
changing your register scores?
- Fine. Can we just change the scores
so we can get out of here?
- All right, I'm just looking for the right window.
Glenn's taxes,
Google search for how many tomatoes in the world,
his church's MySpace page.
Ah, here we are. Employee records.
- Okay. - Your UPM score is now 120.
- 120? Isn't that kinda high?
- I don't know, man. I mean, we're here.
You might as well change it to something impressive.
- You're right.
This is my Tonya Harding moment,
and I've gotta claw my way to the top.
Okay.
121.
It's a little less obvious.
- Excuse me, young lady.
Do you have any sugar?
My coffee is black with an 80% chance of cream.
- There you go.
- Oh, my goodness. Myrtle, look.
Isn't that Channel 4 weatherman Skipper Sailes
in our very store?
- I don't know. I watch Channel 5
with Craig Moeller.
- Oh. O-okay.
I could have sworn you said Channel 4.
- Hey, it's cool.
Craig's great.
Really good at what he does.
- Craig's the best.
- So, uh, Glenn,
maybe you can just reimburse me for the coffee now.
- Yeah, later.
- Yeah, it's just otherwise, I need to submit it
to the station as a-- - I said later, Skipper Sailes!
[scanner beeping]
- [gasps] Hey, you're Dina, right?
- Uh... - The assistant manager?
- Huh? What?
Ah...
- I have a quick question about the shrink reports.
- Sure, shoot. [grunts]
- Do you wanna put the box down?
- [grunts] No, it's light.
[grunts]
- Okay. Uh, well, it says that shrink
accounted for, like, 1.4% of total sales last month.
But at the same time, the regional average
actually dropped.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now, starting in the month of...
- [grunts]
- Hang on. August--
- Just ask the question!
So sorry. I, uh--hoo!
Just have to, uh, use the restroom.
So maybe we can discuss that later.
- Okay, great. You know what?
I have to go too, so I'll tag along.
- [laughs] Great.
That's great. Just, uh, follow me this way.
- You're bringing the kettlebells
to the bathroom? - Yes, I am.
They help me.
- Okay, if we got rid of break room coffee,
we would save another $300 a year.
- Great, let's take it. That would put us over $8,000.
- Hey, you guys taking the coffee?
- If we don't find enough budget cuts to cover
her salary, Laurie is gonna fire Myrtle.
- Oh. - What?
- Are you kidding? - Wait, why would she
fire Myrtle? - Nobody knows.
It's just random.
- It's because she's a bitch.
Laurie, not Myrtle.
- Please, Jeff did all kinds of crappy things,
and no one ever called him a bitch.
- When Jeff changed the vendors for the vending machine,
you called him a [bleep].
- Yeah, well, that's because the vending machine
didn't have any Takis.
- Sorry, if Laurie is being a bitch,
wouldn't the truly sexist thing be for me
to not call her a bitch?
- No, that's not the point.
- Actually, I think I kind of agree with Marcus.
- What? - Yes!
Red pill brothers.
- No, I just mean if we had true equality,
you could call out women for doing something terrible
when they're doing something terrible.
- Like being a bitch.
- See, there's that word again.
Maybe let's not use that. - Don't?
- Yeah, only women can use the word "bitch,"
'cause we took that word back, right, ladies?
- No, bitch, the gays took that from you.
- Okay, I think we're off track.
- To be honest, I'm not sure what on track would look like.
- Hey, if Hitler was a woman, would you be defending Hitler?
- No, obviously not.
- What if Oprah hosted the Holocaust?
- I'm not sure one hosts a holocaust.
- Don't mansplain her.
- Okay, I'm not in favor of any holocaust,
but if there was a holocaust, then yeah,
Oprah's who I would want to host it.
- And I actually agree with that.
- Mm-hmm. - Me too.
- Yeah. - That's a really good--
- I think we solved sexism, guys.
- Myrtle, you've been with us a long time.
And all good things must come to an end.
Myrtle, I am trying to talk to you.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I...
I just like looking at the trucks.
I always wanted to drive one of those.
- All right, Myrtle.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
- Yep.
[radio beeps] Breaker 1-9.
This is Myrtle the Turtle saying,
keep it groovy. [static crackles]
- Get off this channel.
- Mateo, I've just been going over everyone's UPM numbers.
Your score's very impressive.
- Oh, really?
Um, I thought it was just average.
Maybe slightly above.
But, uh, wow. Thank you.
- I mean, I've never seen 121 UPM before.
- 121! [laughs]
That's so stupid.
Good.
Stupid good.
- I didn't even know that the lasers
could read the bar codes that quickly.
Wow.
Hey, you know what would be a good idea?
If Mateo did a demonstration of his technique
for the rest of us. - [scoffs]
What? - I love that idea.
Okay, excellent. Yes.
Let's meet, register one, five minutes, okay?
- Five minutes, we'll be there. - See you there.
O-okay.
What was that?
- That's what happens when you say that "Star Wars"
and "Star Trek" are the same thing.
- What--so this whole thing is just a setup because I insulted
your stupid space opera? - Shh!
Save your energy.
- Oh, God.
.
- ♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven
♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak ♪
- You're a good man. - Look how good she's doing.
- ♪ The happiness I seek
♪ When we're out together dancing ♪
[scraping]
- Oh, that's my car.
That's what I get for parking outside the lines.
[horn honking]
- Is this everyone?
Should we wait for more people?
- Mm, nope. We're ready.
- Great. [clears throat]
[grunts] Just...
[sighs]
Ooh.
You don't wanna start with cold muscles.
- Hey, you look pretty warm to me.
It's showtime, Mateo.
- Okay.
Great.
So, um...
first thing is, um,
check the equipment.
So...
Oh. Ah, looks like it's broken.
- You just turned it off.
Here.
- Thank you, Cheyenne.
[sighs]
So now we begin.
[sighs]
Bees! - What?
- Oh, I got stung!
Bees!
Killer bees! Killer bees!
Get out of the store! There's killer bees!
Get out!
Killer bees!
- ♪ Or another, I'm gonna lose you ♪
♪ I'm gonna trick you, trick you ♪
♪ Trick you, trick you
♪ One way or another
♪ I'm gonna lose you
♪ I'm gonna give you the
- This red area here
represents all the money the store spends on utilities.
- Amy, that is a big slice of pie.
- A very big slice, Jonah.
I mean, I couldn't finish that.
But when the store shifts over to LED and motion sensors,
then something happens to that slice of pie.
Next slide. - Mm.
- That slice gets a lot smaller.
- Yeah, you know, if someone offered me a slice that size
at a birthday party-- - Okay, I have to leave
in two minutes, so if we could just
hurry this up, please?
- Oh. - Yeah, of course.
Go to the end. - Okay.
- Keep going. - Let's see, uh...da-da-da.
- I'm sorry, was that the donkey from "Shrek"?
- Yeah, that was for a budget pun,
but it doesn't matter anymore.
- Oh, okay, here we go.
Uh, once you've added up all the cost-saving provisions,
the total savings comes to... - $18,326.
Now, that's so many savings. - Now, that is a lot of savings.
- Wow.
That, I have to admit, is very impressive.
- Thank you. - That's nice of you to say.
- Great, so, um-- so Myrtle gets to keep
her job, then? - Yay!
- Oh, I just--I'm sorry. I can't justify keeping her.
- Wait. - Um, but you said that if we
found the savings, you wouldn't fire her.
- I know that I said that, but, yeah, I just--
honestly, I didn't think that you'd be able to do it.
All right.
Very impressive, though, and very good work.
I got my eye on you guys.
You have a very bright future.
Oh.
What's the joke about the donkey?
- Oh, uh, "Only an ass would keep writing blank Shreks
for doughnut Thursdays."
- Funny.
- Told you it wasn't funny.
- ♪ Babe, stepping out
♪ Into the night
- So you've never even been to Denver?
- No, why do people keep asking me that?
- Laurie.
Ah, quitting time, huh?
- Oh, yeah. - Man, I cannot wait
to get home.
I am gonna get drunk.
Smoke some cigarettes, jump on my trampoline.
Whoo! - Okay, it's a big night.
[laughs] I'm sorry, you just--
you look different.
- Whoa.
You know, in the future,
I'd appreciate if you didn't comment on my body.
You're a woman.
You should know better.
[scoffs]
- So what do you think of Laurie now?
B-word?
C-word?
A-word?
I think she's a [bleep].
- Okay, so same as Jeff.
- Yeah, gender neutral.
- We've come a long way. - Yay!
- What is happening? - Whoo!
That was the best day ever!
- Oh, I'm so glad!
Myrtle, you're fired. I feel terrible.
Whoo, best day ever! Come on!
Best day!
Best day.