1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:01,242 . 2 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:02,095 [Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On"] 3 00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,971 - * I've been really trying baby * 4 00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:08,383 - Hey, handsome. What's taking you so long? 5 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,906 - I'm making you want it more. 6 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:15,578 - It's working. 7 00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,123 - We can do it right here 8 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:19,288 and not walk up stairs... 9 00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:23,957 apply the energy that we saved to the sex. 10 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:27,027 - The kitchen? So dirty. 11 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,457 - Really dirty. 12 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,174 - * Let's get it on 13 00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,596 [upbeat music] 14 00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:37,712 - The kitchen is so dirty. 15 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,977 - Really dirty. 16 00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:44,035 - I guess the experiment of waiting to see 17 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,984 if the girls would clean up after themselves 18 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,819 didn't turn out so hot. 19 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:51,885 - That was a swing and a miss. 20 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:56,015 - I was up all night helping Shea fill out job applications. 21 00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:58,993 - Good. Maybe she'll get a job and fill up that gas tank. 22 00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,932 Apparently they think the flashing red E 23 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:04,498 stands for "excellent, keep driving." 24 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,628 - Well, at least Stella broke up with Justin. 25 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,574 So that's good. 26 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,969 Although there has been a lot of rebounding. 27 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,541 - High-school guys had the decency 28 00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:13,670 to sneak out the window. 29 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,514 Now they come downstairs, and I have to pretend 30 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,449 like I don't want to punch them in the face. 31 00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:23,618 You know what would take our minds off of this? 32 00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:27,757 Remember that naked thing we used to do? 33 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,255 - It has been a while. 34 00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:33,257 [telephone ringing] 35 00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:35,431 Martina Moore. 36 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,229 Hello, Jeremy. 37 00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:38,231 Sorry. 38 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,172 I should take this in my office. 39 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:43,868 - So no naked thing. 40 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,441 - Morning, Dad. - Hey, sweetie. 41 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,040 - I finally got my applications off 42 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,941 to every astrophysics lab I could find. 43 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,183 - Oh, well, that's good. 44 00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:53,949 - Is it? What if I don't get in anywhere? 45 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,747 Focus on my social life, you say? 46 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,319 I don't think so, 'cause that's a complete disaster. 47 00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:03,421 - Maybe there's some larger perspective 48 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,794 that you could take solace from. 49 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,063 - You're right. 50 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:10,200 Life is short, random, and ultimately pointless. 51 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:12,368 - There you go. 52 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,804 - Oh, hey, guys, what are you still doing up? 53 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,213 - It's morning, Stella. 54 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:20,835 - Oh, that explains a lot. 55 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,741 - That's one crazy-looking wig. 56 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,553 - It's not a wig. - I like it. 57 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,678 - Thanks, Dad. 58 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:29,982 This girl Jessica did it. 59 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,553 We got wasted, and she cut it, and I honestly think 60 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,323 she's gonna be the next big thing-- 61 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:38,432 not in hairdressing, but in telling people what to do. 62 00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:39,426 [cell phone rings] 63 00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:40,927 - Oh, it's your grandparents. 64 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,098 The new rule is they have to text 65 00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:44,565 before they come over, and then I can text back... 66 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:48,035 "Not home." 67 00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,135 And send. 68 00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:52,236 I'm a genius. 69 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,710 - What do you mean you're not home? 70 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,907 We can see you, genius! 71 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,246 - What's the purpose of a text 72 00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:01,648 if you're just gonna barge in anyway? 73 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:04,719 - How should we know? It's your system. 74 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:08,118 - Oh, good Lord, girl, your hair is pink. 75 00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,661 - I know, right? 76 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:11,427 - Hi, everyone. 77 00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,255 - Oh, this is my new friend Jessica. 78 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:15,901 She's completely freegan, has a sick Instagram, 79 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,796 and she knows Drake. 80 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:18,998 - I don't know 81 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:22,169 if those are positive or negative qualities. 82 00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:23,299 - Nice to meet all of you. 83 00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:26,774 Stell, I got to bounce. - Okay, bye, Jess. 84 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:35,783 - Oh, my God! 85 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,523 You cut your hair! 86 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:45,356 [upbeat music] 87 00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:53,329 * 88 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:56,874 - So, what, you're gay now? 89 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,470 - Dad, just because I slept with a girl 90 00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,412 doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. 91 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,838 - Doesn't it, though? 92 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,454 - You know whose fault this is? 93 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,316 - The Democrats? 94 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,946 - Not this time. 95 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,050 This comes from all that 96 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,791 "everything you do is great" parenting. 97 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:16,317 - Why are you here? 98 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,564 - Well, certainly not to see my granddaughter 99 00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:21,329 kiss somebody else's granddaughter. 100 00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:23,399 Come on, Alice, let's go. 101 00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:25,427 - It really is no big deal. 102 00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:28,343 - She's right. Sexuality is very fluid now. 103 00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:31,166 People don't adhere to specific traditional labels. 104 00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,341 - What's wrong with labels? 105 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,840 That's how you know what stuff is. 106 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:38,482 See? This is water. 107 00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:41,079 That's vodka. 108 00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,522 - I fill it before I go out. 109 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,060 I don't do bar prices. 110 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,256 - Great. Thrifty but criminal. 111 00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:54,359 - More labels-- criminal, gay. 112 00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:56,002 You're so uptight about everything. 113 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,626 I mean, Mom slept with a woman. 114 00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,171 - What? - What? 115 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:03,136 [giggles nervously] 116 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,836 It was in college before I met you. 117 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:06,909 It's nothing. 118 00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,607 - No, it's not nothing if your husband 119 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,749 doesn't know about it, but your daughters do. 120 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,375 - The girls are my friends. 121 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:16,182 - What am I? 122 00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:17,993 - Dad, I don't want to boring-shame you, 123 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,245 but your Disney prince would be Snow White's prince, 124 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:24,693 and his name was literally just "The Prince." 125 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:27,502 You're a little vanilla when it comes to this stuff. 126 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:31,425 - You are what you eat. [laughs] 127 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,632 - Yeah, yeah, Dad's vanilla, 128 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,904 but we're all cool and gay. 129 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,408 - Well, I'm not gay, but maybe if I were less straight, 130 00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,438 it would broaden my opportunities. 131 00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,413 - I keep telling you to try a dating app. 132 00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,112 That's how I met Jessica. 133 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:47,723 - I don't know. 134 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:48,915 Why can't I just meet somebody 135 00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:51,176 getting stuck in a revolving door 136 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,454 or sharing the same taxi 137 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,924 or having a big conglomerate open up across the street 138 00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:58,333 from my mom-and-pop bookstore? 139 00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,455 And then I meet the head of the conglomerate, 140 00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,031 and darn it if he doesn't drive me crazy 141 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,769 in the beginning... 142 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:08,235 but then he wins me over. 143 00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,865 - Mom and I will help you make a dating profile, 144 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,641 and you've got nothing to worry about. 145 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,110 I've seen you naked, and your boobs 146 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,537 are like two perfect handfuls of perky. 147 00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,284 - I'm out. 148 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,922 And there's nothing wrong with vanilla. 149 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:26,786 They're exotic beans, and their flavor is exquisite. 150 00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,461 Oh, so good. 151 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:34,359 [upbeat music] 152 00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:36,931 - What's bothering you, huh? 153 00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:39,230 Is it that free-love, hippie-commune thing 154 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,302 you got going on at your place? 155 00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:45,111 - You miss Nixon, don't you? 156 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:48,475 - Every day. 157 00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:50,936 Look, you made a big stink that we should talk more, 158 00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:51,954 so talk. 159 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,575 - All right, fine. 160 00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,851 Martina and I used to have a good, frequent thing going, 161 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,319 and now that the girls are home, it's not happening at all. 162 00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:03,258 - Wah, wah. Stop crying. You'll ruin your dress. 163 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,226 I'm sorry, habit. Go on. 164 00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,926 - So I think I got it figured out. 165 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,958 The girls are poisoning Martina against me. 166 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,604 They say I'm vanilla. She sees me as vanilla. 167 00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,871 And she doesn't want to have sex with vanilla. 168 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,869 It's like the old days. It's three against one. 169 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,041 I wish I had a son. 170 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,509 - It isn't that great. 171 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:28,145 Look, I went through something similar with your mother, 172 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,518 and it's one of the reasons why we split up. 173 00:07:30,518 --> 00:07:33,348 She was a free spirit, into all that New Age crap, 174 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,623 and, well, she saw me as a square cop 175 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,393 who wouldn't try new things. 176 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:38,960 You can't let this slide, Mike. 177 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,529 You got to spice things up. 178 00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:42,058 - How do you propose I do that? 179 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:45,102 - Well, I got some tips from movies. 180 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,072 - Movies? 181 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,540 - You know... 182 00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,169 movies. 183 00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:59,214 - Are you talking about porn? 184 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:02,322 - Yeah, but I'm trying to be a little classy. 185 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,115 All right, you got a computer, don't you? 186 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,917 You won't believe what they got going on 187 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,219 in that thing. 188 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,761 - I know what they got going on in that thing. 189 00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,017 I'm just more of a magazine guy. 190 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:12,034 I don't need plot. 191 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:15,655 I don't care how the pizza got there. 192 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:18,733 - Y'all talking about porn? 193 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,032 I have to say, your father became 194 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:22,803 a much better lover after we watched a few films. 195 00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:25,773 - You have to say that? 196 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:31,752 . 197 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:33,876 - Okay, ToastUp is the greatest dating app ever. 198 00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,082 So your picture and your profile 199 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,154 are your slice of bread, 200 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,891 and when you match with other slices, 201 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,187 they pop up out of a toaster. 202 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:45,989 Okay, Shea, how would you describe your look? 203 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,833 - My face is fairly symmetrical, 204 00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,599 average height, 205 00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:53,598 hips regrettably boyish. 206 00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:56,141 - I'll put "banging." 207 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,236 Personality? 208 00:08:57,237 --> 00:09:00,407 - Typical scientist-- methodical, logical. 209 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:03,177 - Brain also "banging." 210 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:05,206 Okay, for fun, I filled out profiles 211 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,412 for you and Grandma. 212 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,753 Just open the app. - But we're married. 213 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,349 - Just 'cause you're tied to the fence 214 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:12,650 doesn't mean you can't bark at the cars. 215 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,430 [toaster bell dings] - Ooh, those are your matches. 216 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:22,726 - Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a look. 217 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:26,530 Oh, my God, they're all so old. 218 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:31,103 - Oh, look at this fine Denzel-looking dreamboat. 219 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:35,144 Ha ha. That's what's out there looking for me, ladies. 220 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,482 Yeah, he's only a barista, 221 00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,106 but that just means he's a go-getter. 222 00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,281 [chuckles] 223 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,209 Mm, this app is great. 224 00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:42,884 [cell phone beeps] 225 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:46,393 Oh, wait. What's that? Why is my toast burning? 226 00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:49,786 - He's tossing your toast. He's rejecting you. 227 00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,760 - Rejecting me? 228 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:55,999 That broke-ass, ratchet, pretty-boy mother[bleep]. 229 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,496 I don't have time for this nonsense. 230 00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:59,497 That app sucks! 231 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:02,574 [toaster bell dings] 232 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:03,999 - More matches, Mom? 233 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,974 - No, I created a profile for your dad. 234 00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,343 [giggles] 235 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,480 Later we'll laugh about how we can never leave each other 236 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,206 because it's really bad out there and-- 237 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:15,751 Oh, my God, Mike could get models. 238 00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:20,419 They're, like, 20 years younger with tattoos and piercings. 239 00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:23,390 - Mom, Dad's not going anywhere. You make him happy. 240 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:26,790 - Yeah. I do make him happy... 241 00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,904 though not lately. 242 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,627 Your dad and I are a little out of sync 243 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,772 in the romance department. 244 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,338 - Oh, my God. 245 00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:39,366 If you guys split up, where do we live? 246 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:45,712 - But it's Dad, vanilla Dad. 247 00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:49,183 - You're right. I'm his vanilla. 248 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,352 He's not interested in young girls. 249 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,491 - I'm hot, and I'm 21, 250 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,516 and I live in your neighborhood. 251 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:59,162 - You don't live in my neighborhood. 252 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,299 I would've remembered you. 253 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,795 - Ooh, oh, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 254 00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:07,428 [key clacking] 255 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:11,444 - No, no, don't freeze. 256 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,868 Don't freeze on that image! 257 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,914 [women chattering indistinctly] 258 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,545 - What are you doing? 259 00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:31,093 - Just putting the computer to sleep... 260 00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:35,161 like a parakeet. 261 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:40,901 . 262 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:42,969 - All right, fine. 263 00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,837 I was watching porn in the kitchen 264 00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:51,141 in the middle of the day. 265 00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:55,184 Just one of the many cool, badass, non-vanilla things 266 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,052 that I do. 267 00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:04,019 - Oh, my God, that math on the chalkboard's all wrong. 268 00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:11,060 - That's probably why the teacher's doing that to her. 269 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,804 - All right, girls, upstairs. 270 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,435 Look, I can explain. - I'm not mad about the porn. 271 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,668 I'm just surprised. 272 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:23,043 Those girls are so young. 273 00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:25,083 And all those piercings? 274 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:28,718 I didn't even know you could pierce that. 275 00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:31,475 Well, I guess it would help you find it. 276 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:37,158 I didn't think you liked this stuff. 277 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:41,157 - Maybe there are things about me you don't know. 278 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,901 - What are you saying? 279 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,466 - I'm just saying, why stick with boring old vanilla 280 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,265 when there is kiwi out there? 281 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,441 - Why are you suddenly interested 282 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:55,109 in hipper, younger flavors? 283 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,308 - I don't know. 284 00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:58,979 Maybe vanilla's getting a little old for me. 285 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:02,019 - But it goes to the gym all the time! 286 00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:09,087 - So my mom wants to get pierced 287 00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,619 so she doesn't look so old next to us 288 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,493 and my dad won't leave her for someone younger. 289 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,303 Oh, my God, coincidence. 290 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,865 Spike dumped his old wife too. 291 00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,365 - Why did you do that? 292 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:21,866 - Well, she was always focused on the kids, 293 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,569 even after they grew up. 294 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,010 - Well, that sounds like a good mother. 295 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,975 That can be very attractive. 296 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,005 - Yeah, but not real hot. 297 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,540 - Pierce me. 298 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:38,247 [cell phone vibrating] 299 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:40,551 - "At the"... 300 00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,458 "Gym." 301 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:57,171 - Bob and I have been discussing your marital problems, 302 00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:00,410 and we decided maybe we sent you in a bad direction 303 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,737 regarding the porn thing. 304 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,907 - Great timing. 305 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,448 - Anyway, Bob wants to tell you something, 306 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,420 but he feels uncomfortable saying it. 307 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:14,959 - This is true. 308 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,385 - You got to stop worrying about being vanilla. 309 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,930 So go out, find her, do something bold, 310 00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:21,387 and rock her world, 311 00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:24,664 'cause the truth of it is, you got a good marriage, 312 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,404 the kind of marriage you should be proud of. 313 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,140 And you shouldn't make the stupid mistakes 314 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,336 your old man made. 315 00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:32,307 - There, I said it. 316 00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:41,847 - You and me, right here... 317 00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:43,548 right now. 318 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:49,388 And I'm talking about sex, if that was unclear. 319 00:14:58,966 --> 00:14:59,026 . 320 00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,066 - That's the ToastUp guy I picked for Shea. 321 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,001 Doesn't he look like Hozier? 322 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,114 - Sure. Why not? 323 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,977 - I've never dated somebody who looked like 324 00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:10,436 a celebrity before... 325 00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:14,283 except for the one who looked like Galileo. 326 00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:16,751 But, ironically, for someone who looked like Galileo, 327 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,619 he thought the Sun revolved around him. 328 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,789 [laughing] 329 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:29,395 I need to be around people who know that's funny. 330 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,496 - I'll get your drinks. 331 00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:33,268 - I was hesitant about this at first, 332 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,996 but now I'm really excited about my date. 333 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,013 You know, it's good for me to put myself out there, 334 00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:40,165 take the risk, dare to be hurt. 335 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:42,413 [scraping coming from cell phone] 336 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,379 - Oh, my God, that doesn't sound good. 337 00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,707 What does that noise mean? 338 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:49,022 - Um, that's the toast being scraped off. 339 00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,916 It means he's not coming. 340 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,247 - I got stood up? 341 00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,023 I knew this was gonna happen. 342 00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:56,792 Why did I let you talk me into this? 343 00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,289 - I was just trying to help you. 344 00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,661 - It's not just this. 345 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,629 You're always pushing me to do dumb stuff. 346 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,028 - This wasn't dumb, okay? 347 00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,360 You took a shot. It didn't work out. 348 00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:05,374 Big deal. 349 00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,125 There's no reason to react this bad. 350 00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,644 - Badly. - Ugh. 351 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,366 Don't talk down to me. You always do that. 352 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,042 That's why we never hung out in high school. 353 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:16,441 - We didn't hang out because you excluded me. 354 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,053 You didn't even invite me to parties 355 00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,905 when they were in our own house. 356 00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,952 - I didn't invite you to those parties because I was-- 357 00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:23,848 - What? What, you were too cool for me? 358 00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,350 You were embarrassed by me? - No. 359 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,722 I was just-- - Well, go ahead, say it. 360 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,919 Say how you really feel. - I was jealous of you. 361 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,891 - See, I knew you were-- 362 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,303 What? 363 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:38,565 You were jealous of me? - Obviously. 364 00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:41,795 I mean, you're basically as pretty as I am. 365 00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,841 [sighs] But you're also so smart. 366 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,306 You think I wouldn't like to know 367 00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:48,535 what you're saying when you talk? 368 00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,911 - Well, I was jealous of you 369 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:52,750 and how much attention you got, 370 00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:55,275 how much Mom and Dad worried about you. 371 00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:56,952 Plus, you were always having fun, 372 00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:59,089 and you always had a million guys. 373 00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,816 - Well, I also had my heart broken a million times. 374 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:04,561 - Wow. That's like a one-to-one ratio. 375 00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,287 [both laugh] 376 00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:09,933 - See, I would love to know what that means. 377 00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:12,469 - You know, maybe we should hang out more 378 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:15,565 now that we have no option but to hang out more. 379 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,868 - Yeah, we totally should. 380 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,770 Hey, let's go home. 381 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:22,682 Mom and Dad are probably missing us by now. 382 00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:23,835 - Bye, girls. - Bye, guys. 383 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,183 - Bye, girl. 384 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,108 Oh, my God, Bob, that's him. 385 00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:30,124 That's the guy who burned my toast. 386 00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,747 - Oh, yeah? 387 00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,251 - Scotch and soda, please. 388 00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:36,363 - Not in my bar, buddy. 389 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,626 That is one beautiful woman right there. 390 00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:42,195 How dare you burn her toast? 391 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:44,125 Now get the hell out and do not come back 392 00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,571 until you want to nail my wife. 393 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:53,207 - Wow. This is a surprise-- 394 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:58,846 an awesome surprise that I am totally down with. 395 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:01,145 - You got something on your nose. 396 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,278 - I got it pierced, see? 397 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,653 It's a little infected right now, 398 00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:07,951 so you can't see the stud. 399 00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,794 - That is... 400 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,760 hot? 401 00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:17,961 - Hot and dirty-- just how you like it. 402 00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,304 - Yeah, you married a bad girl. 403 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,570 - Ooh. 404 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,698 Does this bad girl want to do it on the desk? 405 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,843 - Yeah, baby, the desk, 406 00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:29,678 'cause that couch is so lame and comfortable. 407 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,606 - The desk is edgy. It's got edges. 408 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,322 Let's revisit the couch idea. 409 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:38,215 - The couch--still warm from Jeremy's behind. 410 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,188 - All right. 411 00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:42,857 Hey, not the couch, how about the table? 412 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:46,785 - Ooh, yeah, the table-- the one we assembled ourselves 413 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,603 with all those leftover pieces. 414 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:52,725 - Okay, not the table, but we've got to decide soon 415 00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,442 because my torn meniscus is absolutely ki-- 416 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:57,395 Oh, oh, God! Oh, God. 417 00:18:57,404 --> 00:19:01,314 - [laughing] What are we doing? 418 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:04,678 - Well, I'm trying not to be vanilla. 419 00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:06,247 What are you doing? 420 00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:09,516 - I'm trying to be young and porny. 421 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:12,016 We are so not these people. 422 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:14,018 What's going on with us? - I don't know. 423 00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,720 Ever since the girls came back, things have changed. 424 00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,023 - I know, but why? 425 00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:19,864 It's not like they're babies. 426 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:22,089 - Well, they make a mess. They keep us awake. 427 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,234 They stress us out. 428 00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,970 they're babies... 429 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:28,765 giant babies. 430 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,698 - You know what the problem is? 431 00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:34,543 It's like, first we were girlfriend and boyfriend, 432 00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:36,281 and that was sexy. 433 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:40,476 And then we got married, and that was sexy. 434 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,020 And then we had kids. - Not sexy. 435 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,716 - And then they left, 436 00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:47,418 and we were girlfriend and boyfriend again, 437 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,060 and that was really sexy. 438 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:52,825 And then they came back, and we're parents again. 439 00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:54,155 - I want my girlfriend back. 440 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:58,370 - And I want to be your girlfriend... 441 00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:03,065 even if I'm not in my 20s anymore. 442 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,539 - Sweetie, listen, I had this dream one time, 443 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:10,108 and in this dream, I was laying in bed next to you. 444 00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:12,079 And then I woke up, 445 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:16,278 and there you were, laying next to me. 446 00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:20,893 Martina, I can't even dream anything better than you. 447 00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,759 - Oh, Mike. 448 00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:26,858 [door opens] 449 00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:29,859 - Mom, Dad. - We're home! 450 00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:34,803 - God, I hate them. 451 00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:37,741 You two have gotten away with this long enough. 452 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:41,407 - What? - Being our daughters. 453 00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,978 - That ends now. 454 00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,146 - From now on, we're not parents and kids. 455 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:48,875 We are adults roommates living together. 456 00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:50,851 You need to clean up, shop for your own food, 457 00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:52,220 put gas in the car. 458 00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,088 - Do we have to pay rent? 459 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,716 - We're not delusional. 460 00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:57,893 And now, adult roomies, 461 00:20:57,890 --> 00:21:00,190 I'm gonna bang this hot chick I'm dating. 462 00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:03,602 You, upstairs. - Yes, sir. 463 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,156 - You two, get a room. 464 00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:07,504 - We've got a room. You get a house.