1
00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:14,515
- [rock music plays]
- [crowd cheering]

2
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:23,608
[crowd cheering]

3
00:00:31,574 --> 00:00:33,952
Thank you.

4
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:37,371
Thank you so much, everybody.
Thank you for clapping.

5
00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,540
I appreciate that.
Thank you.

6
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:41,375
Thanks.

7
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,252
Thanks a lot.

8
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,215
Thank you. That's cool.

9
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,593
All right.

10
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,887
This is a good crowd.
This is...

11
00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:56,432
All right. Thank you.
That guy has a high voice.

12
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:59,685
- [laughter]
- [laughs]

13
00:00:59,811 --> 00:01:01,496
All right, I got a lot of jokes,
so I'm just gonna start

14
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,398
telling them. Here we go.

15
00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:07,568
I went to a baseball game
last summer in a stadium

16
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:11,405
and they had a huge TV
in the stadium. A Jumbotron.

17
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:15,576
And this guy proposed to his
girlfriend using the giant TV.

18
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,954
He put her name up there,
said, "Will you marry me?"

19
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,456
She said yes.
The crowd went wild.

20
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,792
They found the couple
in the audience.

21
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:25,252
I was sitting there thinking,
"God, that's so romantic.

22
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,713
That's so cool."
And then I remembered thinking,

23
00:01:27,839 --> 00:01:30,424
you know, you could also
use a screen like that

24
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:33,177
if you're having trouble
breaking up with somebody.

25
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,015
Be like, "Hey, I'm gonna
grab a hot dog.

26
00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:39,558
But you should definitely
look at that screen."

27
00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:48,192
That's a smooth way out of it.

28
00:01:50,486 --> 00:01:52,446
I think my favorite sign
that I've seen

29
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:55,867
is "Bridge May Be Icy."

30
00:01:55,992 --> 00:01:58,243
'Cause it's so honest, you know?
It's just like,

31
00:01:58,369 --> 00:02:02,623
"Bridge... may be,
I don't know. I'm...

32
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:05,751
...a sign. I don't have
a conscious mind. I'm...

33
00:02:05,877 --> 00:02:07,545
...a tilted yellow square.

34
00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:09,421
What are these shapes
on the front of me?

35
00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:11,066
I mean, bridge may be chocolate.
Whatever you want.

36
00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:13,968
I don't care."

37
00:02:14,093 --> 00:02:15,928
"Bridge may not be icy."

38
00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:17,906
That means the same thing
as "Bridge may be icy."

39
00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:20,975
That's... even better, you know?
More optimistic.

40
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,895
That's a better sign.

41
00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:28,024
"Bridge may not be icy."
Hey, I like your attitude, sign.

42
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:32,570
"Bridge probably not icy.
Give it a shot." Even better.

43
00:02:32,695 --> 00:02:35,322
It's August, bridge probably
not icy. You're right.

44
00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:41,079
One sign I don't like
is "Please use other door."

45
00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:44,415
You're a fucking door,
you don't get to take a break.

46
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,588
Just be a door.
Just swing.

47
00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:53,382
This door thinks it's a wall.
This is ridiculous.

48
00:02:55,593 --> 00:02:57,511
When I see
"Please use other door,"

49
00:02:57,636 --> 00:03:00,598
I wish I had a sign with me
to put on the other door

50
00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:04,518
that says "No, no, no.
Use... first door.

51
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,729
First door pulling bullshit.
First door lazy.

52
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,689
Use first door. Trust me,

53
00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:10,649
find way to use first door."
Yeah. Okay.

54
00:03:10,775 --> 00:03:12,860
[chuckles]

55
00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,486
I like that sign
"Beware of dog."

56
00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,363
I saw that at Staples,
they had them.

57
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:17,740
They look really professional.

58
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,784
I just wanted
to buy a pile of them.

59
00:03:19,909 --> 00:03:23,121
Just put 'em up
in stupid places, you know?

60
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:27,792
Like... like in the men's room
of a fancy restaurant.

61
00:03:27,917 --> 00:03:29,668
Guy gets up to go
to the bathroom,

62
00:03:29,794 --> 00:03:32,964
"Oh, shit. There's a...

63
00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:35,758
There's a dog in the men's room.
I think I'm..."

64
00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:41,555
Just hang one
around a dog's neck.

65
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,724
What a vicious, considerate
poodle we have here.

66
00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,393
Look at that.

67
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:49,313
Or maybe, you know,
like if you get a massage,

68
00:03:49,438 --> 00:03:51,523
they lay you down on that table,

69
00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:54,610
and there's a hole
that you look through.

70
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:58,697
Just centered under the hole
on the floor.

71
00:03:58,823 --> 00:04:00,425
Guy's like, "Oh, I'm gonna
get a massage. Great.

72
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:03,452
Oh, shit.

73
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:06,122
There's a freaking dog
in this room."

74
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,291
Pets are animals
that are not delicious.

75
00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,879
I don't think that
was by mistake.

76
00:04:14,005 --> 00:04:16,799
I think we probably
tried to eat all of them.

77
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,135
Like, "Okay, these don't taste
good, so we'll give these

78
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,262
first names and sweaters
and we'll hang out with them.

79
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:25,808
And then, uh, let's eat
the rest. Let's eat these."

80
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:29,228
[laughs]

81
00:04:29,353 --> 00:04:31,647
We even eat birds. I can't
believe we eat birds.

82
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,458
How did that start? Somebody
was like, "You see that

83
00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:34,483
flying up there?

84
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:37,903
I wanna put that in my mouth.

85
00:04:38,029 --> 00:04:40,007
Yeah, that looks good."
"It's covered in feathers."

86
00:04:40,031 --> 00:04:41,091
"No, no, no.
I'll do some shit to it.

87
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,908
I'll make it good."

88
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,024
"What if it doesn't taste good?"

89
00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:47,199
"Well, then I'll capture it,

90
00:04:47,246 --> 00:04:48,455
and I'll put it in a cage

91
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:51,000
and it'll live in my kitchen.

92
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:53,085
And I'll have it shit
on old news."

93
00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,590
I think we're mean
to birds, man. Like...

94
00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:01,677
I mean, turkeys,
we break the wishbone.

95
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,722
We've killed the bird,
we've cooked it,

96
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,849
and we've eaten it.
Then we're like,

97
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:11,478
"You wanna break
its fucking bones, man?"

98
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:14,690
"Yeah. Yeah, let's...
let's break its bones, man.

99
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,400
We'll make a wish."

100
00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:19,444
"What did you wish for?"

101
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,822
"Death to all turkeys."

102
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:27,745
It seems like there's
a fine line between having a pet

103
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:31,832
and having a hostage
from a different species.

104
00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:33,852
You go to somebody's house,
they're like, "Close the door.

105
00:05:33,876 --> 00:05:35,677
He'll get out. Close the door!
He'll get out!"

106
00:05:38,089 --> 00:05:40,841
Okay.

107
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:43,719
What kind of relationship do you
have with this dog exactly?

108
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:48,015
Owner walks away,
the dog's like... [pants]

109
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:50,851
"He's not looking. Open
the door, let me out. Come on.

110
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:54,813
I can't shit when I want to.
Open this door!

111
00:05:54,939 --> 00:05:56,941
This woman put sunglasses
on me last week.

112
00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:58,585
I'm gonna eat her
when she's sleeping if you don't

113
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,611
open the goddamn door
right now."

114
00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:03,614
I saw a poster that said
"Missing cat."

115
00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:06,867
They had a picture of the cat
and a whole description.

116
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,953
Missing, huh?

117
00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,496
I think that's
from the human perspective.

118
00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:16,001
The cat made that poster,
it would say, "Free cat.

119
00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:20,339
Finally." Picture of the cat
would be like...

120
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:22,716
"Cat is hunter, cat gets own
food, cat has no first name,

121
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,652
don't look for cat, fuck off,
leave cat alone, fuck off."

122
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:28,430
Okay, cat, we get it. Jesus.

123
00:06:30,975 --> 00:06:34,186
The hairless cat,
that's a weird looking animal.

124
00:06:34,312 --> 00:06:36,039
Looks like somebody
procrastinated when they were

125
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,941
designing animals or something.

126
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,735
Like, "Okay, animals
are due for earth today."

127
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:44,529
"I thought they
were due Monday."

128
00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:47,491
"No, they're due today."

129
00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:49,952
"Oh, shit. Uh...

130
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,204
Yeah, no, I am finished. Uh...

131
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:57,293
It's, uh...

132
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,962
The hairless cat,
what do you think?"

133
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,672
"I think it looks
like a meth addict.

134
00:07:01,797 --> 00:07:03,548
Let's see what God says,
come on."

135
00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:10,222
I wonder what the hairless cat
looks like to regular cats.

136
00:07:10,348 --> 00:07:13,225
Just walks by
and they're like, "Whore."

137
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:22,252
I've learned that there's a fine
line between killing a fly

138
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,653
and applauding a fly.

139
00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,842
There was one in my living room,
I was trying to kill it.

140
00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:31,202
But I was too slow.
So was I just...

141
00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:33,787
...following the fly
around my house,

142
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:37,291
clapping for it.

143
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:41,170
Sending the exact wrong message
to the fly.

144
00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:43,755
He's like, "Oh, this guy, uh...
he likes what I'm doing.

145
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:46,300
Huh, you like that?

146
00:07:46,425 --> 00:07:48,695
You think that's impressive,
let me fly right up to your face

147
00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:51,555
give you a close-up
of some of this.

148
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,766
Oh, now he's waving at me."

149
00:07:54,892 --> 00:07:56,935
I have an L-shaped sofa.

150
00:07:57,061 --> 00:07:58,812
Lowercase.

151
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:04,818
- [applause]
- Thanks.

152
00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:14,953
Soap scum seems like a really
harsh term for that stuff.

153
00:08:15,079 --> 00:08:18,623
Maybe we overreacted
a little bit with that one.

154
00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:20,625
"Look at this soap scum."

155
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,062
"I think that's just
dried soap, man."

156
00:08:22,086 --> 00:08:23,628
"No.

157
00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:25,839
This shit betrayed me.

158
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:32,388
This used to help me clean,
now I have to clean it?

159
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,932
It's the lowest form
of soap there is, man.

160
00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:36,558
You're looking at scum
right there."

161
00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:41,563
When I was little,
I learned that "please"

162
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,523
was the magic word.

163
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,293
Then I got a little older,
and I learned that "abracadabra"

164
00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:47,361
was the magic word.

165
00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:49,423
Then I learned that they're
never interchangeable,

166
00:08:49,447 --> 00:08:51,656
under any circumstances.

167
00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:56,828
"For you, sir."
"I will have the grilled cheese

168
00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:59,998
with tomato, abracadabra."

169
00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:04,295
"Okay, here's your
grilled cheese. Enjoy."

170
00:09:04,420 --> 00:09:06,255
"Will you abracadabra
just look at me

171
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:09,216
when I'm talking to you?"

172
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:11,593
"Bitch, abracadabra."

173
00:09:17,475 --> 00:09:19,643
And there's a fourth example,
but I can't say it

174
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,812
'cause I'm a white comedian.

175
00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:24,898
[laughter]

176
00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,984
Those are the rules.

177
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:32,823
White privilege does not extend
onto the stage, you see.

178
00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:37,953
One thing you don't see
that often is a black magician.

179
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,747
There aren't that many
black magicians.

180
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:43,583
Probably because of racism.

181
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,479
If a black guy makes something
disappear, they're like,

182
00:09:45,503 --> 00:09:46,920
"Hey, get him!"

183
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,009
"It's magic."
"No, you're black."

184
00:09:54,178 --> 00:09:55,971
White guy can make
a whole woman disappear.

185
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,240
They're like, "Ah, she's fine.
He's white.

186
00:09:57,264 --> 00:10:00,142
Don't worry about it."

187
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,854
People get so mad when you run
and try to catch the elevator.

188
00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:05,564
I can't get over how angry
they get.

189
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,459
What they really hate
is when you run and catch it

190
00:10:07,483 --> 00:10:08,502
and you go, "I just wanna say
hey, everybody.

191
00:10:08,526 --> 00:10:09,818
Have a good ride. Okay?"

192
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,447
They don't like that.

193
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:16,074
People are crabby in elevators.

194
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,786
One time I was in an elevator
and I hit the wrong floor.

195
00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:22,122
And then I hit my floor.

196
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,916
And people looked at me
like I stabbed a baby

197
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,602
in front of them or something.
I just...

198
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,463
I just made a mistake, you know?

199
00:10:29,588 --> 00:10:32,049
Longest moment of my life was
when we got to the first floor

200
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:34,218
that I hit...

201
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:37,388
The doors opened, and nobody
got on, nobody got off.

202
00:10:37,513 --> 00:10:40,807
I was like...
[humming nervously]

203
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,577
The elevator was like,
"Oh, this asshole messed up.

204
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:46,438
I'm gonna stay open
extra long."

205
00:10:46,564 --> 00:10:49,066
I had to, like, improvise
some sort of a cover, you know?

206
00:10:49,191 --> 00:10:52,819
I just leaned out, I was like,
"Bobby? Pssh.

207
00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:56,823
He said he was gonna meet me
on four. That's weird.

208
00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,992
[makes farting sound]
Anyway..."

209
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,681
If you ask somebody how they're
doing, sometimes they'll say,

210
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:06,458
"A-OK." It's like
they're giving you the beginning

211
00:11:06,584 --> 00:11:09,169
of a weird multiple choice
answer or something.

212
00:11:11,589 --> 00:11:14,383
"How you doing?"
"A-OK.

213
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:17,010
B-suicidal. Uh...

214
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,015
C-horny." "Okay,
I think I'm gonna head out."

215
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,268
"D-all of the above.
Hold on."

216
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,107
I was in the supermarket

217
00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:32,025
and I saw they
had prune juice for sale.

218
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:34,445
And I had to stop 'cause I was
like, "Prune juice?

219
00:11:34,570 --> 00:11:37,864
I thought prunes
were dried plums.

220
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:41,118
What the hell is prune juice?

221
00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:45,247
How hard are we squeezing
these prunes?"

222
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:46,891
"Come on, you little shit.
We'll get some juice out of you.

223
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,917
Come on."

224
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,044
"Okay, that's 97 prunes,
we have one glass.

225
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:54,214
Should we keep going?"

226
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:58,218
There's no such thing
as prune juice. That's bullshit.

227
00:11:58,343 --> 00:12:00,471
That's plum juice.
That's the reason you're a prune

228
00:12:00,596 --> 00:12:02,973
is that we took the juice
from the plum, leaving you.

229
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:05,892
And then you took credit...

230
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:09,938
...calling it your juice?
What a dick move, prunes.

231
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:14,276
I've never seen raisin juice
for sale.

232
00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:21,492
Prunes are pushy.
I mean, that's their nature.

233
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:24,286
You eat a prune... [laughs]

234
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:27,289
- That's like...
- [applause]

235
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,082
...sending a cop
into your stomach

236
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:31,209
to break up the party.

237
00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:32,770
Food's digesting, having
a good time, you eat a prune.

238
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,063
"Lights on. Let's go.
Everybody out.

239
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:37,090
Come on, move. We gotta go. Go."

240
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,568
Piece of broccoli,
"My friend's still in there."

241
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:39,735
"I don't give
a shit. No pun intended.

242
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,428
We gotta clear the room."

243
00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:44,473
Freaking prunes.
You ruin everything.

244
00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:50,145
I like French toast way better
than toast.

245
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:54,107
I think a French kiss
is nicer than just a plain kiss.

246
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:56,485
So I guess the rule is
if you make something French,

247
00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:58,487
- you make it better.
- [woman cheers]

248
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:02,574
- Except for people.
- [laughter, applause]

249
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,498
It's the...
it's the one exception.

250
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,542
But, you know... [laughs]

251
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:13,043
I'm just saying
they're not better.

252
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,228
They're equal,
they're the same as us.

253
00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:16,129
French people...

254
00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:18,674
A souvenir is a funny thing
to me.

255
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,301
What an interesting concept.
It's like, "Hey,

256
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:23,613
I got you something to remember
the time I went to Paris

257
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:25,180
and you didn't.

258
00:13:27,391 --> 00:13:29,577
Yeah, put this on your mantle
so you can remember the time

259
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,729
that I had a great vacation
and you stayed home

260
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:34,606
'cause you couldn't afford
to go. There you go, enjoy.

261
00:13:34,732 --> 00:13:36,608
A piece of garbage
from another continent.

262
00:13:36,734 --> 00:13:38,193
Do what you want with it."

263
00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:41,196
I like airports, though,

264
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,407
'cause they have
those flat escalators.

265
00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:45,116
People never look more
like groceries

266
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:48,704
than when they're going
through an airport.

267
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,623
Just going by. I wanna get one
of those rubber dividers

268
00:13:51,749 --> 00:13:55,711
in the supermarket,
just put it on the thing there.

269
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:59,297
"This is my stuff,
that's your stuff.

270
00:13:59,423 --> 00:14:02,509
Don't try to make me carry
your shit, okay? That's mine."

271
00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:09,474
I don't like when I'm stopped
at a stoplight,

272
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,935
I'm sitting there in my car,
the light changes,

273
00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:14,062
and people in the crosswalk,

274
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,398
and they don't, like,
hurry up to get out of the way.

275
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,610
And sometimes it'll be
like a tough guy in the group,

276
00:14:19,735 --> 00:14:22,738
and he'll, like,
slow down almost.

277
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,282
Just to show how tough he is.
He's like looking at my car

278
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:28,702
like he's gonna fight it.
You know?

279
00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:30,828
I think you should be able
to hit one person a year

280
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:34,666
- with your car.
- [laughter, applause]

281
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:39,170
Not to kill,
just to communicate.

282
00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:42,382
Just to say, "Hey, you know,
it was my turn."

283
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,635
Then as he rolls over the top
of your car,

284
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,441
maybe he'd be thinking,
"God, this guy used

285
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:50,974
his one hit for the year on me.

286
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:54,269
Maybe I'm a dick."

287
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,062
Yeah.

288
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,707
If I'm in the crosswalk
and the light changes,

289
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,358
I'm not saying I run
out of the way,

290
00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:03,654
but I make a gesture
to the driver who's waiting

291
00:15:03,779 --> 00:15:05,939
to let them know that I'm not
a dick. Know what I mean?

292
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,675
The light changes, I don't run,
but I do a thing with my arms.

293
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:11,536
I go...

294
00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:13,514
Just so they can see,
"Oh, his torso's running. Look.

295
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,582
He's trying.
This guy's...

296
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:17,292
He's a good person.
You see that?

297
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:21,212
The top half is considerate."

298
00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:22,523
I like that
at a lot of crosswalks

299
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:23,674
they have a countdown.

300
00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:25,258
It's like they tell you exactly

301
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,544
when it will be funny to push

302
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,720
your friend into traffic.

303
00:15:28,846 --> 00:15:30,681
Just like, "Here we go."

304
00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:35,185
One time I was at a crosswalk
and I saw a guy

305
00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:37,145
wearing the same shirt
that I was wearing.

306
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,606
It was kind of a specific shirt
and I looked at him,

307
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:42,567
and he was a dork.
Just like a dorky looking guy.

308
00:15:42,693 --> 00:15:46,738
And I thought, I've got
the same taste as a dork.

309
00:15:46,864 --> 00:15:49,825
That makes me a dork.
That sucks. You know?

310
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,494
Two months later,
I'm in a restaurant.

311
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,681
It happened again. I see a guy
wearing the same shirt

312
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:56,956
that I'm wearing,
but he was really good-looking.

313
00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:59,376
He was with a beautiful woman.
And I just looked at him

314
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:02,253
and I thought,
"I'm the dork."

315
00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:06,299
[laughter]

316
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:10,637
Can't win.

317
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:13,431
I bought a box of crackers,
took out the first cracker,

318
00:16:13,557 --> 00:16:16,810
and I looked at it, it had holes
throughout the cracker.

319
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:19,813
I was trying to figure out,
"Why the holes?"

320
00:16:19,938 --> 00:16:24,484
For aerodynamics maybe?
Just... whoosh! Oh.

321
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:25,837
Look how quickly I can
eat these crackers.

322
00:16:25,861 --> 00:16:27,946
[whooshing]

323
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:30,490
I'm so glad they perforated
them with that tiny drill press.

324
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,617
That's like [whooshing]

325
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:36,120
Without those, ugh! Fucking wind
resistance on these crackers.

326
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,754
That joke never does well,
but I like it.

327
00:16:43,879 --> 00:16:47,298
- So I don't give a shit.
- [applause]

328
00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,318
I believe in it. You know,
there were like six people

329
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,469
in here who liked it,
so that's, you know,

330
00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:53,430
that's my demographic
for the crackers joke.

331
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:55,432
And it's... I stand by it.

332
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:01,563
How bad does a guess have to be

333
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,107
for it to be
an uneducated guess?

334
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,111
"Do you know the temperature
outside?"

335
00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:10,280
"Uh, carrots?"

336
00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:16,327
"Did you say carrots?"

337
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:19,623
"Yeah, I was just guessing.
I don't know, carrots?"

338
00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:22,793
"Are you educated?"
"No. No, I'm not." "Okay.

339
00:17:22,918 --> 00:17:26,671
Well, that makes sense because
it's never been carrots outside

340
00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:29,299
and never will be carrots.
So you need to get an education,

341
00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:31,318
go to school, then come back
to me, maybe you can

342
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:34,345
make an educated guess."

343
00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:35,931
"Okay."

344
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,600
I wonder what a walrus vampire
would look like.

345
00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:46,608
Probably a lot like the other
walruses, I don't know.

346
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:51,488
Be hard to pick it out
of a crowd. [laughs]

347
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:54,491
I like the word "folks"
'cause it's so positive.

348
00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:57,702
You know, black folks,
white folks, Asian folks.

349
00:17:57,828 --> 00:18:00,330
It's just got a good feel to it.
You never hear,

350
00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:03,792
"I was at a party and these
fucking folks showed up.

351
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,380
Folks are the worst, man."

352
00:18:12,009 --> 00:18:14,260
You never hear on the news,
"22 folks were killed

353
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,805
when a bus hit a train."

354
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,390
"Oh, those poor folks!"

355
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:24,562
Quesadilla, that's a word
that you never

356
00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:26,958
see the English translation for.
You never see that in English.

357
00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:29,526
You know? They just keep it
in Spanish.

358
00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,987
I guess 'cause maybe it's too
awkward or something.

359
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:35,281
You know, "And for you, sir?"
"I will have the quesa...

360
00:18:35,406 --> 00:18:39,452
'cheese female small, ' please.

361
00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:44,708
One little cheese girl for me,
that'd be great."

362
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,793
[chuckles]

363
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:50,005
"Okay. You want any peppers
or chicken in there?"

364
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,607
"No, I think she's
been through enough.

365
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,383
I'll just have the... [laughs]"

366
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:58,948
I feel like they could bring
fajitas out from the kitchen

367
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,932
a little bit later.

368
00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:06,646
There's a lot of showboating
going on with fajitas.

369
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,523
Seems unnecessary,

370
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,942
a fire emergency coming
through the dining room.

371
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:12,819
"Ah, it's fajitas,
they just need attention.

372
00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:14,946
Fuck 'em."

373
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:16,698
I was eating some fajitas

374
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,867
and I burnt the roof
of my mouth.

375
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:22,037
And I was like, "Ow! The roof
of my mouth, that hurts.

376
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:25,331
It's really tender. Wait
a minute. The roof of my mouth?

377
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:28,418
This is the ceiling of my mouth.

378
00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:31,212
The roof of my mouth
is way up here.

379
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:35,884
Whoever named this was not using

380
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,302
the attic of their mouth
at all."

381
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:41,723
[laughter, applause]

382
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,516
Thanks.

383
00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:47,916
I love applause
for head architecture.

384
00:19:47,979 --> 00:19:50,774
This is a good crowd.

385
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,901
I took SuperShuttle
from the airport.

386
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,445
I think they forgot to put
the word "slow" in the middle

387
00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:58,823
- of their name.
- [scattered applause]

388
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,619
Hey, if I'm eating
some Tic Tacs,

389
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,913
and you want some,
I'm happy to give you some.

390
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:07,582
Just don't give me
a specific number.

391
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:11,086
It's too stressful.
You know?

392
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:14,631
You want two?
Okay, one... 11. Fuck.

393
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:20,137
No, I don't want those back.
Just...

394
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:23,598
They're in your palm, you
just keep them. Okay? Thank you.

395
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:28,853
When I was in high school,
I took karate.

396
00:20:28,979 --> 00:20:31,815
One time I lost my temper
in class.

397
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,542
That's when I learned that
there's a difference

398
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,444
between taking karate
and receiving karate.

399
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,284
I received the shit
out of that karate.

400
00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:49,183
I like when people use
the term "color scheme."

401
00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:52,836
'Cause it sounds so sneaky.

402
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:54,838
"Okay, we're gonna
make this room look great,

403
00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,589
and here's how
we're gonna do it.

404
00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:01,511
Blue. Beige. Green.

405
00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:02,989
Sh! Somebody's coming.
Don't talk about colors.

406
00:21:03,013 --> 00:21:05,515
Hey, how you doing?
What's up?"

407
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,226
[chuckles]

408
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:11,521
Sometimes the opposite
of something bad is also bad.

409
00:21:11,646 --> 00:21:15,066
It's confusing.
Like pickpocketing. That's bad.

410
00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:17,735
But I found that putting things
in people's pockets

411
00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,529
is also bad.

412
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,617
So pickpocketing
and its opposite, put-pocketing,

413
00:21:24,742 --> 00:21:26,452
are both bad.

414
00:21:28,205 --> 00:21:30,414
Logic is tricky.

415
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,045
When we talk to babies,
sometimes we use baby talk.

416
00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,463
I guess to relate to the baby,

417
00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:39,883
we try to sound more
like a baby.

418
00:21:40,008 --> 00:21:43,094
You know, we'll be like,
"Hello, goo-goo, boopie."

419
00:21:43,220 --> 00:21:45,138
We should do that
with old people too.

420
00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:48,641
"Oh, hello, Grandpa.

421
00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:51,853
Come here, you tired?
Oh, hello. Yes, oh. Hello."

422
00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:58,651
If I live long enough,
that joke is gonna haunt me.

423
00:21:58,776 --> 00:22:02,280
[laughter, applause]

424
00:22:02,405 --> 00:22:05,116
We should do that with teenagers
too. "What's up, asshole?"

425
00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:08,804
"What are you doing?"
"I'm talking teen. Teen talk.

426
00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:09,913
Don't worry about it."

427
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:16,044
I parked my car in
a grocery store parking lot.

428
00:22:16,169 --> 00:22:19,089
I got out of my car, and I
was walking towards the store

429
00:22:19,214 --> 00:22:21,216
and this guy stopped me, goes,
"Hey, Demetri."

430
00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:23,467
I said, "Yeah?" He said,
"Hey, um,

431
00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:25,720
could I be in one
of your jokes?"

432
00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:27,972
I said, "Uh, sure.
How about this one?"

433
00:22:28,098 --> 00:22:31,809
[laughter]

434
00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:35,980
He was like, "Okay.
What does it entail?"

435
00:22:36,106 --> 00:22:37,481
I was like,
"That's pretty much it.

436
00:22:37,607 --> 00:22:39,109
That's the joke."

437
00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:41,569
He was like, "Then no.
I'm cool. No thanks.

438
00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:43,571
I don't think I wanna
be in that joke."

439
00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:45,656
I was like, "Too late.
I just told it."

440
00:22:48,285 --> 00:22:50,012
He's like, "Seriously?"
I'm like, "Yeah. You're in it."

441
00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:53,623
He was like, "Shit."

442
00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:55,125
He walked away,
he was pissed off.

443
00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:57,460
I was like, "You know,
fictional people

444
00:22:57,585 --> 00:22:59,712
can be so moody,
it's ridiculous."

445
00:23:03,758 --> 00:23:05,319
It's interesting that we say
"a head of lettuce"

446
00:23:05,343 --> 00:23:07,095
but not a "dick of cucumber."

447
00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:10,098
[laughter, applause]

448
00:23:13,434 --> 00:23:15,329
"Yeah, give me, uh...
give me a dick of cucumber.

449
00:23:15,353 --> 00:23:17,605
That'd be great.
You know what?

450
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:21,109
Two tits of cantaloupe.
Throw those in the bag too.

451
00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,027
Are kiwis in season? They are.
Okay.

452
00:23:23,153 --> 00:23:25,029
Three testicles of kiwi
and I think we're good.

453
00:23:25,155 --> 00:23:28,658
Good.

454
00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:31,494
And a rectum of fig.
That sounds delicious."

455
00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:35,123
[laughs]

456
00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:37,917
I'd say based on their behavior,
cherry tomatoes are not

457
00:23:38,042 --> 00:23:41,212
interested in participating
in the salad.

458
00:23:41,338 --> 00:23:43,065
Kind of like, "Whoa! Nice try.
I don't think so.

459
00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:44,548
Watch out. Whoa! Whoa!"

460
00:23:46,884 --> 00:23:50,388
How evasive are you gonna be?

461
00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:52,753
It's like I'm trying to stab
a rubber ball in this salad.

462
00:23:52,849 --> 00:23:55,726
This is ridiculous.

463
00:23:55,852 --> 00:23:57,773
It's just too much work.
Then I get to the bottom

464
00:23:57,812 --> 00:23:59,856
of the salad and it's just like

465
00:23:59,981 --> 00:24:02,066
a bowl of defiant small tomatoes

466
00:24:02,192 --> 00:24:05,069
that are like...
"We're no longer a salad.

467
00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:08,739
We're tomatoes. Now what?"

468
00:24:08,865 --> 00:24:11,201
Well, then I'll just eat you
with my hand.

469
00:24:11,326 --> 00:24:13,619
Then I bite it, so much drama.

470
00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:15,955
It's like... pssh! Blood! Ahh!

471
00:24:20,043 --> 00:24:22,253
Salad is just too much work.
You know?

472
00:24:22,379 --> 00:24:25,006
You gotta get the ingredients,
wash everything,

473
00:24:25,131 --> 00:24:27,884
dry everything,
mix it together, dress it.

474
00:24:28,009 --> 00:24:30,053
Then I go to eat the salad,

475
00:24:30,178 --> 00:24:35,266
now I have to make a small copy
of the salad on my fork.

476
00:24:35,392 --> 00:24:37,727
For every bite. I have to be
like, "Okay. Lettuce,

477
00:24:37,852 --> 00:24:40,188
onion, cherry tomato, cherry...
Forget it.

478
00:24:40,313 --> 00:24:44,192
Mushroom, pepper.

479
00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,997
Gotta make another
small salad. Here we go.

480
00:24:46,069 --> 00:24:49,030
Lettuce..."

481
00:24:49,155 --> 00:24:51,657
"How's your salad?"
"It's 17 small salads

482
00:24:51,782 --> 00:24:53,910
that I had to make."

483
00:24:54,035 --> 00:24:56,155
That's probably why in a
restaurant the waiter's like,

484
00:24:56,246 --> 00:24:57,723
"Are you still working
on that salad?"

485
00:24:57,747 --> 00:25:00,833
"You're goddamn right
I'm working.

486
00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:02,719
I'm exhausted.
Take this thing away from me."

487
00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:09,717
I think if a recipe
is unhealthy for you,

488
00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:11,719
they should change their tone

489
00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:14,138
in how they describe the steps.

490
00:25:14,264 --> 00:25:15,449
I feel like the tone
never changes.

491
00:25:15,473 --> 00:25:17,100
It's just like a sociopath

492
00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:18,869
telling you what to do,
and they don't care

493
00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:20,437
if it's like quinoa
or cheesecake.

494
00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:22,480
They're just like,
"Just do this, I don't care."

495
00:25:22,605 --> 00:25:25,775
But if it's unhealthy, if it's
like cinnamon sticky buns,

496
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:28,778
"Step one: run seven miles.

497
00:25:33,950 --> 00:25:36,869
Step six: before combining
brown sugar and caramel in bowl,

498
00:25:36,994 --> 00:25:39,435
take off all of your clothes and
stand in front of the mirror.

499
00:25:42,083 --> 00:25:43,876
You sure you wanna do this?

500
00:25:45,295 --> 00:25:48,381
[sighs] All right.

501
00:25:48,506 --> 00:25:51,884
Step 14: contact your doctor,
you have diabetes."

502
00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:54,637
[laughs]

503
00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:58,182
I can't believe people
can still die

504
00:25:58,308 --> 00:26:00,810
from complications
in today's day and age.

505
00:26:00,935 --> 00:26:03,687
That that counts
as a valid medical reason.

506
00:26:03,813 --> 00:26:07,400
I mean, how's that
even acceptable?

507
00:26:07,525 --> 00:26:09,860
"So what happened exactly?"

508
00:26:09,986 --> 00:26:12,696
"Well, we got him into the OR,
and, uh, we opened him up,

509
00:26:12,822 --> 00:26:15,492
and, uh, it was complicated.
You know?

510
00:26:15,616 --> 00:26:19,203
It's, uh... it's a lot of blood
in there, all over the place,

511
00:26:19,329 --> 00:26:21,872
and the organs are pretty
tightly packed.

512
00:26:21,998 --> 00:26:24,792
Brenda didn't have a good lunch,
my phone went off twice,

513
00:26:24,917 --> 00:26:27,711
it's just...
it was complicated. He's dead.

514
00:26:27,837 --> 00:26:29,005
Okay? Forget about it."

515
00:26:32,509 --> 00:26:34,427
If you get cremated,
is it all or nothing?

516
00:26:34,552 --> 00:26:37,180
Can you make requests?
I wonder if you can be, like,

517
00:26:37,305 --> 00:26:39,056
half or something.
Like, "What does he want?

518
00:26:39,182 --> 00:26:40,284
Okay, says he wants
to be cremated

519
00:26:40,308 --> 00:26:41,934
from the waist down. Okay?"

520
00:26:42,059 --> 00:26:43,894
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, open casket.

521
00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:45,813
He wants his torso
at the one end,

522
00:26:45,938 --> 00:26:48,983
then the ashes,
and they lead to a lamp,

523
00:26:49,108 --> 00:26:51,402
and, uh, he's dressed
as a genie."

524
00:26:51,528 --> 00:26:56,282
[laughter, applause]

525
00:26:56,407 --> 00:26:58,051
"Well, good for him.
He's having some fun with it.

526
00:26:58,075 --> 00:26:59,743
I think that's cool."

527
00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:03,914
I was thinking maybe
I'd get cremated.

528
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:05,875
But instead of having him put me
into an urn,

529
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:10,171
I'd have him put me
into, like, an hourglass.

530
00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:13,924
Then I could still participate,
you know what I mean?

531
00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:16,195
It'd be like my grandkids could
be playing a board game,

532
00:27:16,219 --> 00:27:18,155
they'd be like, "That's my
grandfather on the mantel there.

533
00:27:18,179 --> 00:27:20,515
Grab that. Yes.
He's like six minutes.

534
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:23,059
Flip him over. Bonus round,
Scattergories. Here we go."

535
00:27:27,188 --> 00:27:31,401
Jokes that end in death
don't usually end happy.

536
00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:33,736
Kind of like life.

537
00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:37,948
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]

538
00:27:38,074 --> 00:27:39,825
I might just stick
to the prepared material

539
00:27:39,950 --> 00:27:41,744
for the rest of the set.

540
00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:45,516
I thought... I thought I could
freestyle a little bit,

541
00:27:45,540 --> 00:27:47,833
but the insides came out
a little too much there.

542
00:27:50,294 --> 00:27:52,338
"How was the show?"
"I'm sad."

543
00:27:57,468 --> 00:27:59,512
When they say someone is gone
but not forgotten,

544
00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:02,223
it's such a nice sentiment.
You know what I mean?

545
00:28:02,348 --> 00:28:06,436
Forgotten but not gone...
that just sucks.

546
00:28:09,230 --> 00:28:11,107
"Did he die?"
"Who are we even talking about?

547
00:28:11,232 --> 00:28:14,151
I don't remember."

548
00:28:14,277 --> 00:28:16,362
Oh, that sucks.

549
00:28:16,487 --> 00:28:18,197
When something goes wrong,

550
00:28:18,322 --> 00:28:20,324
people send you their thoughts
and prayers.

551
00:28:20,450 --> 00:28:22,993
And, uh, it's a nice idea,
but it's kind of weird.

552
00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:24,555
You know what I mean? I
understand sending the prayers,

553
00:28:24,579 --> 00:28:28,416
but the thoughts...
that's kind of strange.

554
00:28:28,541 --> 00:28:30,662
"What do you got there?"
"Demetri sent us his thoughts

555
00:28:30,751 --> 00:28:32,670
and prayers."
"How do they look?"

556
00:28:32,795 --> 00:28:36,173
"Uh, the prayers look
appropriate. Um...

557
00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:40,303
The thoughts are kind of weird.
He's...

558
00:28:40,428 --> 00:28:42,149
...thinking of clipping
his toenails tonight

559
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:44,348
before he goes to bed.

560
00:28:44,474 --> 00:28:46,809
I don't know why we need to know
that. We're grieving here.

561
00:28:46,934 --> 00:28:48,478
But thanks."

562
00:28:51,439 --> 00:28:53,857
I was walking on the beach
in California,

563
00:28:53,983 --> 00:28:56,235
and a volleyball rolled up
by my feet.

564
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,904
And this guy yelled,
"Little help!"

565
00:28:59,029 --> 00:29:01,407
So I just kicked it
a little bit towards him.

566
00:29:06,203 --> 00:29:07,955
I like watching volleyball.

567
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:09,099
I think it's a good sport
to watch.

568
00:29:09,123 --> 00:29:10,166
'Cause most sports

569
00:29:10,291 --> 00:29:11,351
it looks like all the players

570
00:29:11,375 --> 00:29:13,294
really want the ball.

571
00:29:13,419 --> 00:29:15,630
But volleyball is different.

572
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:18,007
That looks like nobody
wants that thing.

573
00:29:18,132 --> 00:29:19,776
Like, "Okay, we don't want this.
You guys take it.

574
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,136
Here you go." Each player's
like, "I don't want it."

575
00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:24,555
"You take it."
"I don't fucking want it!"

576
00:29:28,559 --> 00:29:31,061
"Let's try this again.
We don't want this."

577
00:29:34,398 --> 00:29:36,567
It looks like a game for people

578
00:29:36,693 --> 00:29:38,653
who don't like volleyballs.

579
00:29:38,777 --> 00:29:41,698
Football, on the other hand,
that looks like

580
00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:44,701
everybody wants that thing
so badly. Know what I mean?

581
00:29:44,825 --> 00:29:46,094
All the players are like,
"Give me the ball.

582
00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:47,262
I'll catch it, I won't drop it.

583
00:29:47,286 --> 00:29:48,347
I'll covet it, I'll protect it,

584
00:29:48,371 --> 00:29:49,455
it's mine," you know?

585
00:29:49,580 --> 00:29:50,456
They should make the football

586
00:29:50,581 --> 00:29:51,957
look like something

587
00:29:52,082 --> 00:29:53,292
that you would protect

588
00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:55,252
and covet and hold.

589
00:29:55,378 --> 00:29:58,922
A baby. A football should look
like a baby.

590
00:29:59,048 --> 00:30:00,442
Imagine if they were shaped
like babies.

591
00:30:00,466 --> 00:30:01,818
Those guys would
look like such heroes,

592
00:30:01,842 --> 00:30:04,011
like throwing and catching
the baby

593
00:30:04,136 --> 00:30:06,514
and protecting it, you know?

594
00:30:06,639 --> 00:30:08,492
Until they get to the extra
point, then it looks like,

595
00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:12,061
"I'm sick of this
freaking baby." [thudding sound]

596
00:30:12,186 --> 00:30:14,021
- [chuckles]
- [applause]

597
00:30:14,146 --> 00:30:15,457
Baby just goes
through the uprights.

598
00:30:15,481 --> 00:30:18,735
"It's okay." [laughs]

599
00:30:18,859 --> 00:30:21,487
Indoor sports don't look
as cool as outdoor sports.

600
00:30:21,612 --> 00:30:24,198
Pool looks pretty cool.
But I've seen that in movies

601
00:30:24,323 --> 00:30:26,363
where the guy's like... boof!
And the lady walks in,

602
00:30:26,409 --> 00:30:28,327
he's just kind of
looking smooth.

603
00:30:28,452 --> 00:30:32,122
But I don't even know what's the
second coolest indoor sport.

604
00:30:32,248 --> 00:30:35,459
It's like a distant second.
Maybe darts?

605
00:30:35,585 --> 00:30:38,003
She walks in the bar
and you're like... [laughs]

606
00:30:42,299 --> 00:30:43,926
Air hockey?

607
00:30:49,348 --> 00:30:50,974
Foosball.
That's the worst.

608
00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:52,435
You don't wanna do foosball.

609
00:30:56,063 --> 00:30:58,441
Are sheep pubes also wool?

610
00:31:02,319 --> 00:31:03,780
How much of my turtleneck
is pubes?

611
00:31:03,904 --> 00:31:06,282
I don't know if I want
to wear that thing anymore.

612
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:11,203
Pubes on my neck.
I don't like that.

613
00:31:14,373 --> 00:31:15,726
You can say
"Mind your own business,"

614
00:31:15,750 --> 00:31:18,377
or you can say
"Mind your own beeswax."

615
00:31:18,502 --> 00:31:20,272
I think that's the only time
you can really substitute

616
00:31:20,296 --> 00:31:23,340
"beeswax" for "business."

617
00:31:23,466 --> 00:31:27,511
"Is your trip beeswax
or pleasure, sir?"

618
00:31:27,637 --> 00:31:31,515
"It's, uh,
it's a beeswax trip, actually.

619
00:31:31,641 --> 00:31:36,771
[laughs] It's personal beeswax.
I'd rather not talk about it."

620
00:31:36,895 --> 00:31:38,081
"What are you doing
after college?"

621
00:31:38,105 --> 00:31:39,440
"Um, applied to beeswax school.

622
00:31:39,565 --> 00:31:41,066
So we'll see what happens.

623
00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:42,652
My dad's
a small beeswax owner."

624
00:31:45,362 --> 00:31:48,115
I like the word "nope"
because it's really specific.

625
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:49,384
That's for when you
wanna say "no,"

626
00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:52,328
but you're also happy about it.

627
00:31:52,453 --> 00:31:55,038
"Are you guys still
serving breakfast?" "Nope."

628
00:31:58,250 --> 00:32:01,044
'Cause you never hear
"Unfortunately, nope."

629
00:32:04,089 --> 00:32:06,133
"Nope" is for dicks.

630
00:32:08,511 --> 00:32:10,530
Sometimes when I have to fart,
I feel like my stomach

631
00:32:10,554 --> 00:32:14,391
is like a pushy attorney
and my butt is like a judge.

632
00:32:14,517 --> 00:32:17,353
They're going back and forth
having this furious debate,

633
00:32:17,478 --> 00:32:19,355
just back and forth,
more and more heated,

634
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:22,316
and eventually my butt is like,
"I'll allow it."

635
00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:26,945
[laughter, applause]

636
00:32:27,070 --> 00:32:30,199
"Sustained.

637
00:32:30,324 --> 00:32:32,326
This better be silent,
counselor."

638
00:32:37,289 --> 00:32:38,642
It's so frustrating.
I don't know why,

639
00:32:38,666 --> 00:32:40,751
but I think
of so many fart jokes.

640
00:32:40,877 --> 00:32:42,813
I'll sit down to write some
jokes, we go for a walk,

641
00:32:42,837 --> 00:32:45,381
fart jokes just float
into my head.

642
00:32:45,506 --> 00:32:48,634
I'm prolific with fart jokes.

643
00:32:48,759 --> 00:32:50,803
But it's frustrating
because I can't tell them all,

644
00:32:50,928 --> 00:32:53,389
because it's a bad style
to have as a comedian.

645
00:32:53,514 --> 00:32:54,741
You know what I mean?
You don't wanna be the guy

646
00:32:54,765 --> 00:32:56,266
who tells a lot of fart jokes.

647
00:32:56,392 --> 00:32:58,310
So I end up having
to hold them in.

648
00:32:58,435 --> 00:33:01,188
I actually have to hold in...

649
00:33:01,313 --> 00:33:03,232
...jokes about farts, even.

650
00:33:03,357 --> 00:33:05,609
And it hurts.

651
00:33:05,735 --> 00:33:09,613
Then I get home, and I just
tell one giant fart joke...

652
00:33:09,739 --> 00:33:12,282
[laughs] ...to my place
when I'm alone,

653
00:33:12,408 --> 00:33:14,451
and that's terrible.

654
00:33:17,371 --> 00:33:18,891
I don't know a lot about
the laws of the universe,

655
00:33:18,915 --> 00:33:20,791
but I will say this,
just on the topic.

656
00:33:20,917 --> 00:33:22,752
If you're a man
and you're alone somewhere,

657
00:33:22,877 --> 00:33:26,964
and you fart,
a woman will appear.

658
00:33:27,089 --> 00:33:29,550
Just bam! Just like that.
It's like they know

659
00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,403
and they just send one.
"He just farted. Get over there.

660
00:33:31,427 --> 00:33:32,487
You're attractive? Even better.
Go, go, go.

661
00:33:32,511 --> 00:33:33,763
Stand next to him!

662
00:33:33,888 --> 00:33:36,766
Embarrass that dude!" [laughs]

663
00:33:40,686 --> 00:33:42,855
My friend said,
"I'm way better with faces

664
00:33:42,980 --> 00:33:44,732
than I am with names."

665
00:33:44,857 --> 00:33:47,735
It's like, yeah, me too.
Everybody is.

666
00:33:47,860 --> 00:33:51,989
If I see somebody, I'm like,
"That's his face, right there.

667
00:33:52,114 --> 00:33:56,953
The fleshy part on the front.
That's his face. Yeah."

668
00:33:57,077 --> 00:34:00,163
I heard somebody say,
"He's like a brother to me."

669
00:34:00,289 --> 00:34:03,417
I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry.

670
00:34:03,542 --> 00:34:05,878
So he stole a bunch of money
from your mom and he tries

671
00:34:06,003 --> 00:34:08,422
to fight you whenever you
go back to New Jersey?

672
00:34:10,674 --> 00:34:13,844
I can relate." [laughs]

673
00:34:13,970 --> 00:34:18,808
- Too real, guys, too real.
- [laughter]

674
00:34:18,933 --> 00:34:21,518
I was in a jewelry store
and they had this necklace,

675
00:34:21,644 --> 00:34:23,729
it was like cursive writing
in gold.

676
00:34:23,854 --> 00:34:26,690
And it said "Diane."
And I went up the saleswoman

677
00:34:26,816 --> 00:34:29,234
and I said, "You know, if you
had one that said 'Not Diane, '

678
00:34:29,359 --> 00:34:31,320
I think you'd have
a bigger market."

679
00:34:35,992 --> 00:34:37,970
And then I heard somebody go,
"Oh, that's a good point."

680
00:34:37,994 --> 00:34:40,245
I turned and it was the guy
from the parking lot

681
00:34:40,370 --> 00:34:42,832
at the grocery store.

682
00:34:42,957 --> 00:34:46,418
- [applause, laughter]
- Just like...

683
00:34:46,543 --> 00:34:49,046
What are you doing here?

684
00:34:49,171 --> 00:34:52,257
He said, "I just wanted to stop
into another mediocre joke."

685
00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:55,385
[laughs]

686
00:34:55,511 --> 00:34:57,847
People say "shotgun"
when they want the front seat.

687
00:34:57,972 --> 00:34:59,741
You should say "shotgun"
when you're eating rice

688
00:34:59,765 --> 00:35:01,558
and you have to sneeze.

689
00:35:01,684 --> 00:35:04,895
[laughter, applause]

690
00:35:07,564 --> 00:35:09,501
'Cause there's that moment
where there's no turning back,

691
00:35:09,525 --> 00:35:11,694
where you're just like,
"Snowstorm's about to come out

692
00:35:11,819 --> 00:35:13,713
of my face, I don't know
how else to tell you this.

693
00:35:13,737 --> 00:35:15,531
Just watch out."

694
00:35:18,701 --> 00:35:20,553
I've heard people talk
about their private parts.

695
00:35:20,577 --> 00:35:24,040
I'd like to hear someone
talk about their public parts.

696
00:35:24,164 --> 00:35:26,309
"You okay?" "Yeah, yeah, I just
hurt my publics on that door.

697
00:35:26,333 --> 00:35:28,460
I'm fine."

698
00:35:28,585 --> 00:35:31,296
"Your publics?" "My hands, man,
my publics. You see?"

699
00:35:35,634 --> 00:35:37,511
Sometimes I'll be
in an awkward situation,

700
00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:39,680
and I'll try to save it
really quickly

701
00:35:39,805 --> 00:35:43,559
by saying something fast, but
often it just makes it worse.

702
00:35:43,684 --> 00:35:44,911
I was at a party
and this woman said,

703
00:35:44,935 --> 00:35:46,520
"Excuse me, your fly is open."

704
00:35:46,645 --> 00:35:48,605
I said, "For business."

705
00:35:48,731 --> 00:35:51,650
And... "I mean, thank you.

706
00:35:51,775 --> 00:35:53,819
Sorry, excuse me."

707
00:35:55,571 --> 00:35:56,589
If you're on the phone
with somebody

708
00:35:56,613 --> 00:35:57,698
and they're looking up

709
00:35:57,823 --> 00:35:59,241
some information for you,

710
00:35:59,366 --> 00:36:00,426
I don't know why, but they often

711
00:36:00,450 --> 00:36:02,578
make a soft laser sound

712
00:36:02,703 --> 00:36:04,413
while you're waiting.
You know what I mean?

713
00:36:04,538 --> 00:36:06,182
They'll be like, "Okay,
sir, let me just look up

714
00:36:06,206 --> 00:36:10,419
your account number.
[softly] Too-too-too-too...

715
00:36:10,544 --> 00:36:13,380
Too-too-too-too...
Too-too..."

716
00:36:13,505 --> 00:36:15,674
What the hell was that?

717
00:36:15,799 --> 00:36:18,886
Totally acceptable.
Only if it's a soft laser.

718
00:36:19,011 --> 00:36:20,846
It can't be like, "Okay, sir,
just one minute.

719
00:36:20,971 --> 00:36:27,561
[makes loud laser sound effects
and explosions]

720
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:31,648
There it is. 628...
Bum-bum-bum-bum..."

721
00:36:34,902 --> 00:36:36,713
When they came out with
the Phillips head screwdriver,

722
00:36:36,737 --> 00:36:38,548
I wonder if the guy who did
the flathead was like,

723
00:36:38,572 --> 00:36:41,324
"What?

724
00:36:41,450 --> 00:36:43,786
We can get credit for this?
Shit!"

725
00:36:49,666 --> 00:36:51,919
If I see a scary movie
and then I come home,

726
00:36:52,044 --> 00:36:54,671
and there's a noise in my house,
it sounds scary.

727
00:36:54,797 --> 00:36:56,608
I've seen a lot of funny movies,
I wish it would work

728
00:36:56,632 --> 00:36:58,884
the same way.

729
00:36:59,009 --> 00:37:00,970
Like, "Did you hear that
in the kitchen?" "Yeah.

730
00:37:01,095 --> 00:37:05,015
That was fucking hilarious."

731
00:37:05,141 --> 00:37:09,979
"There is somebody hilarious
in this house." [laughs]

732
00:37:10,104 --> 00:37:14,024
"I hope they bump
into some more stuff."

733
00:37:14,150 --> 00:37:16,777
I don't like the way they write
on food packaging.

734
00:37:16,902 --> 00:37:20,990
I think it's condescending.
Because they use euphemisms

735
00:37:21,115 --> 00:37:22,908
where they really shouldn't.
You know? Like,

736
00:37:23,033 --> 00:37:26,578
it'll say
"best before April 3rd."

737
00:37:26,703 --> 00:37:29,039
Best before?

738
00:37:29,165 --> 00:37:32,918
Is this the time
to be discussing excellence?

739
00:37:33,043 --> 00:37:37,422
How about
"dangerous starting on"?

740
00:37:37,547 --> 00:37:39,800
"Diarrhea at."

741
00:37:43,804 --> 00:37:46,182
Food is tricky.
Like, milk starts out good,

742
00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:49,267
then it becomes bad.
Then it becomes disgusting.

743
00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:52,688
Then it becomes dangerous.
Then it becomes cheese.

744
00:37:54,982 --> 00:37:57,400
Way to turn it around, milk!

745
00:37:57,526 --> 00:38:00,529
[applause, laughter]

746
00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:04,491
Who figured that out?

747
00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:06,035
"Man, your place
smells terrible.

748
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:07,800
You gotta get rid of this crap."
"Hold on.

749
00:38:07,911 --> 00:38:09,997
I just... wait.

750
00:38:10,122 --> 00:38:12,582
I wanna see where this is going.
This vomit-shit smell

751
00:38:12,708 --> 00:38:14,144
might turn into the thing
I wanna melt

752
00:38:14,168 --> 00:38:16,419
over everything I eat.
So just wait."

753
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,071
If I were inventing foods,
I would have never come up

754
00:38:25,095 --> 00:38:27,139
with the hot dog.

755
00:38:27,264 --> 00:38:30,142
That is a very counterintuitive
food design.

756
00:38:30,267 --> 00:38:32,188
"Okay, what do you got?"
"All right. Uh, we start

757
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:34,688
with the intestine of a dead
animal. We take all the meat

758
00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:36,582
byproduct you were gonna
throw away, grind it up,

759
00:38:36,606 --> 00:38:38,650
shove it into the intestine."

760
00:38:38,775 --> 00:38:40,736
"I'm listening.

761
00:38:42,696 --> 00:38:44,406
What does it look like?"
"A severed penis."

762
00:38:47,201 --> 00:38:49,703
"How is it served?"
"On a bun that looks like

763
00:38:49,828 --> 00:38:51,556
partially spread apart
ass cheeks. What do you say?"

764
00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:56,710
[laughter, applause]

765
00:38:56,835 --> 00:38:59,963
"You're calling it dog.
Hm, very appealing."

766
00:39:01,673 --> 00:39:03,717
"It'll work in America."

767
00:39:09,139 --> 00:39:11,934
When I was in grade school,
they had the alphabet

768
00:39:12,059 --> 00:39:13,977
on the wall above
the chalkboard,

769
00:39:14,103 --> 00:39:16,272
kind of going around the corner,

770
00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:18,148
and it was interesting
'cause you could see

771
00:39:18,274 --> 00:39:20,734
the uppercase and lowercase
letter for each letter.

772
00:39:20,859 --> 00:39:23,237
It looked like a parent
and child from each family.

773
00:39:23,361 --> 00:39:24,797
You know what I mean?
And with some of them,

774
00:39:24,821 --> 00:39:27,157
you could really see
the resemblance.

775
00:39:27,283 --> 00:39:29,952
Like with "X" I was like,
"That's definitely your parent.

776
00:39:30,077 --> 00:39:33,080
I mean, I can see you're like
a carbon copy.

777
00:39:33,205 --> 00:39:37,542
'C', I totally get it.
'Z, ' 'S, ' I mean... identical."

778
00:39:37,667 --> 00:39:40,629
Others, like, harder
to really see, you know?

779
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:44,258
Like "A", like is that...
I don't know.

780
00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:46,051
I don't really see
the resemblance.

781
00:39:46,176 --> 00:39:47,946
Looks like an "O" with like
a crutch or something.

782
00:39:47,970 --> 00:39:50,055
But okay.

783
00:39:50,180 --> 00:39:53,267
"R"... did you smoke while you
were pregnant or something?

784
00:39:53,391 --> 00:39:56,937
'Cause... that kid
looks unfinished.

785
00:39:57,062 --> 00:40:00,232
That's kind of a weird-looking
child you have there.

786
00:40:00,357 --> 00:40:03,860
And "Q", did "P" and "G"...

787
00:40:05,904 --> 00:40:07,572
...kind of have an affair
or something?

788
00:40:07,697 --> 00:40:09,008
And then they were
like, "Oh, what are we gonna do

789
00:40:09,032 --> 00:40:10,617
with this kid?"
And "Q" was like,

790
00:40:10,742 --> 00:40:12,143
"I hardly get used.
I could adopt it

791
00:40:12,244 --> 00:40:15,705
and look after it, just...

792
00:40:15,831 --> 00:40:19,918
We'll call it a 'Q'.
Don't worry about it."

793
00:40:20,043 --> 00:40:22,212
If you're in a restaurant
and you wanna get the check,

794
00:40:22,338 --> 00:40:24,881
you just go like that
and they bring you the check.

795
00:40:25,007 --> 00:40:26,818
I think you should be able
to do that at your job too.

796
00:40:26,842 --> 00:40:28,927
You know?

797
00:40:29,052 --> 00:40:31,030
If your boss walks by, you be
like, "Can I get the check?

798
00:40:31,054 --> 00:40:33,974
Can I... I need the check now.
Yeah, for the...

799
00:40:34,099 --> 00:40:35,976
Thank you, yeah."

800
00:40:38,145 --> 00:40:39,938
The only time it's okay
to throw a hamster

801
00:40:40,063 --> 00:40:42,232
is if it's out of the window
of a burning building.

802
00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:46,611
Then you're a hero.
You're like, "Live!

803
00:40:48,905 --> 00:40:51,283
[sighs] That felt great.

804
00:40:51,408 --> 00:40:53,219
It's the perfect size
and weight. I've always wanted

805
00:40:53,243 --> 00:40:54,995
to flick one of those."

806
00:40:57,914 --> 00:40:59,249
My smoke alarm is so annoying.

807
00:40:59,375 --> 00:41:01,210
I hate that
that's how safety works,

808
00:41:01,335 --> 00:41:04,462
is that they're gonna
annoy me into being safe.

809
00:41:04,587 --> 00:41:08,133
I wanna put, like, microwave
popcorn around my house.

810
00:41:08,258 --> 00:41:09,402
If I wake up in the middle
of the night, I'm like,

811
00:41:09,426 --> 00:41:10,969
"That smells great.

812
00:41:11,094 --> 00:41:14,848
I gotta get the fuck
out of here.

813
00:41:14,973 --> 00:41:20,478
Get a snack on the way.
That's a good idea."

814
00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:23,982
When you're trying to tell
somebody a letter on the phone,

815
00:41:24,107 --> 00:41:26,943
you'll be like, "B as in boy.
M as in Mary."

816
00:41:27,069 --> 00:41:28,963
That's what people do. They
always pick the first letter

817
00:41:28,987 --> 00:41:32,574
of the word.
You could mix it up.

818
00:41:32,699 --> 00:41:34,826
"O as in tango.

819
00:41:37,787 --> 00:41:39,789
F as in deaf.

820
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:46,046
R as in fart." [laughs]

821
00:41:46,171 --> 00:41:48,798
"Okay, sir, we get it."

822
00:41:50,592 --> 00:41:52,969
I don't like fitted sheets.
I feel like

823
00:41:53,095 --> 00:41:54,322
that's a very
passive-aggressive design

824
00:41:54,346 --> 00:41:56,056
we're dealing with there.

825
00:41:56,181 --> 00:41:58,100
Does it have to be
the exact same size

826
00:41:58,225 --> 00:41:59,869
as my mattress? Couldn't you
give me a little bit

827
00:41:59,893 --> 00:42:01,353
of wiggle room?

828
00:42:01,478 --> 00:42:03,239
I do my laundry and I'm already
in a bad mood

829
00:42:03,272 --> 00:42:06,024
as I approach my mattress.

830
00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:07,377
Do the first corner,
then the second.

831
00:42:07,401 --> 00:42:08,461
By the time I get to the third,

832
00:42:08,485 --> 00:42:09,319
I'm looking at the fourth like,

833
00:42:09,445 --> 00:42:11,738
"You son of a bitch."

834
00:42:14,491 --> 00:42:16,732
I get over there and it's just
such a struggle. I'm like,

835
00:42:16,826 --> 00:42:17,929
"I can't do it!
Come on, come on."

836
00:42:17,953 --> 00:42:19,037
My fingers are killing me.

837
00:42:19,162 --> 00:42:20,223
I'm just pulling that thing down

838
00:42:20,247 --> 00:42:21,349
the side as far as I can go.

839
00:42:21,373 --> 00:42:22,516
I get halfway down, I'm like,

840
00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:24,334
"That's enough. It's fine."

841
00:42:24,460 --> 00:42:25,978
Four in the morning.
"Surprise, bitch!"

842
00:42:26,002 --> 00:42:27,879
"Get off me! Get off me!

843
00:42:31,216 --> 00:42:32,485
Fine, I'll use you
as a thin blanket.

844
00:42:32,509 --> 00:42:34,761
There you go. Now what?"

845
00:42:37,931 --> 00:42:39,849
I find that athletic clothes
are perfect

846
00:42:39,975 --> 00:42:41,977
for just sitting around in.

847
00:42:44,354 --> 00:42:49,443
[applause, cheering]

848
00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:52,946
These are pajamas that make me
look ambitious. I like this.

849
00:42:53,071 --> 00:42:54,864
- [laughs]
- [whistling]

850
00:42:54,990 --> 00:42:57,742
I'm an athlete.
I'll even watch sports.

851
00:42:57,867 --> 00:43:00,078
There we go. I'm so close.

852
00:43:02,289 --> 00:43:03,349
When I was in high school,
I couldn't decide

853
00:43:03,373 --> 00:43:04,458
whether I wanted to be

854
00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:05,959
on the debate team or not.

855
00:43:06,084 --> 00:43:07,752
And that was frustrating.

856
00:43:12,466 --> 00:43:14,426
Happy birthday, by the way.

857
00:43:14,551 --> 00:43:17,471
- [woman] I just turned 30!
- Hey, I used statistics.

858
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:21,933
- Happy birthday.
- [laughter, applause]

859
00:43:22,058 --> 00:43:23,852
That's great.
Thanks for coming.

860
00:43:23,977 --> 00:43:26,980
You just turned 30.
That's cool. How's it going?

861
00:43:27,105 --> 00:43:28,940
- [woman] Great.
- What are you doing?

862
00:43:29,065 --> 00:43:31,818
Like life-wise? Job-wise?

863
00:43:31,943 --> 00:43:34,343
I messed up that question. I
could just say "What do you do?"

864
00:43:38,033 --> 00:43:41,953
- She left. Oh, shit.
- [laughter]

865
00:43:42,078 --> 00:43:44,664
She's like, "I'm 30, I don't
have to deal with this shit."

866
00:43:48,544 --> 00:43:50,396
What's the minimum number
of people you can have

867
00:43:50,420 --> 00:43:54,508
and it still counts
as a surprise party? I wonder.

868
00:43:54,632 --> 00:43:56,468
It seems like it's gotta be
greater than one.

869
00:43:56,593 --> 00:43:58,196
If you come home
and just one friend jumps out

870
00:43:58,220 --> 00:44:00,305
from behind your couch,
"Surprise!"

871
00:44:00,430 --> 00:44:02,849
"Get the hell out of my house!"

872
00:44:05,352 --> 00:44:07,437
"It's a party."
"No, you're an intruder."

873
00:44:10,524 --> 00:44:12,609
If I robbed people's houses,
I would just bring

874
00:44:12,734 --> 00:44:15,778
a lot of people and a cake
just in case

875
00:44:15,904 --> 00:44:18,281
the person came home.

876
00:44:18,407 --> 00:44:20,116
They walk in, you're like,
"Surprise!

877
00:44:20,242 --> 00:44:21,635
Hey, we got you all your stuff.
We put it in bags.

878
00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:22,369
Okay, we're gonna go.
Enjoy the cake.

879
00:44:22,494 --> 00:44:25,205
Buh-bye."

880
00:44:25,330 --> 00:44:27,957
I think what I like the most
about people

881
00:44:28,083 --> 00:44:30,168
who are very religious
is how open they are

882
00:44:30,293 --> 00:44:32,128
to other people's
points of view.

883
00:44:35,924 --> 00:44:38,927
It's nice.

884
00:44:39,052 --> 00:44:41,137
I like atheists
because you don't really

885
00:44:41,263 --> 00:44:43,181
ever hear about, like,
an atheist, like,

886
00:44:43,306 --> 00:44:45,434
blowing up a school or,
you know,

887
00:44:45,559 --> 00:44:46,952
a restaurant or something.
They're never like,

888
00:44:46,976 --> 00:44:50,564
"Science!" [imitates explosion]

889
00:44:50,688 --> 00:44:53,149
"Logic!" [imitates machine gun]

890
00:44:58,738 --> 00:45:01,408
I heard this R&B song.
It came on the radio.

891
00:45:01,533 --> 00:45:03,219
I was in a rental car.
I turned the radio on.

892
00:45:03,243 --> 00:45:05,120
This song comes on.
This guy's, like,

893
00:45:05,245 --> 00:45:07,122
kind of telling a story,
he's kind of whining.

894
00:45:07,247 --> 00:45:09,082
But okay, I'm listening.
All of a sudden,

895
00:45:09,207 --> 00:45:12,461
in the middle of the song,
a rapper shows up.

896
00:45:12,586 --> 00:45:15,046
Guess these guys are friends
or something. He shows up,

897
00:45:15,171 --> 00:45:17,382
he does a whole rap
of just his own thing.

898
00:45:17,507 --> 00:45:20,260
Finishes up, he takes off.
We never hear from him again.

899
00:45:20,385 --> 00:45:24,013
He's gone. First guy comes back
and he finishes the story,

900
00:45:24,139 --> 00:45:26,724
and then the song's over. I just
thought that was hilarious.

901
00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:29,352
'Cause I've never seen that
in any other art form.

902
00:45:29,478 --> 00:45:32,314
You know? Not like
in literature, you know,

903
00:45:32,439 --> 00:45:34,626
you're reading a book. "What'd
you think of that novel?"

904
00:45:34,650 --> 00:45:36,544
"Pretty good, you know, like,
I got into the story,

905
00:45:36,568 --> 00:45:38,169
first seven chapters.
Then in the middle,

906
00:45:38,236 --> 00:45:43,450
there was a really angry
first-person essay...

907
00:45:43,575 --> 00:45:45,595
This other writer, I guess.
I don't know if they're friends

908
00:45:45,619 --> 00:45:48,580
or something, but... You know,
this guy has a big dick,

909
00:45:48,705 --> 00:45:50,433
he's gonna sleep with all these
women, it's a whole thing.

910
00:45:50,457 --> 00:45:53,001
And... he's not gonna
buy them stuff, though.

911
00:45:53,126 --> 00:45:54,728
He made that clear.
He'll sleep with them,

912
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:58,298
but he's not, you know,
not looking to get tied down.

913
00:45:58,423 --> 00:46:02,552
All caps. Very confident. Uh...

914
00:46:02,678 --> 00:46:04,721
A lot of it rhymed,
and then the essay was over.

915
00:46:04,846 --> 00:46:07,641
And then went back to the story.
Yeah, it was all right."

916
00:46:07,765 --> 00:46:09,685
When I was a kid,
I could climb trees.

917
00:46:09,809 --> 00:46:11,745
That was a thing I could do
that I can't do anymore.

918
00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:14,397
I lost that privilege. You know?

919
00:46:14,523 --> 00:46:17,984
If I go down a street and I see
a bunch of kids in trees,

920
00:46:18,109 --> 00:46:19,337
I'm like, "Oh,
they're having fun."

921
00:46:19,361 --> 00:46:20,987
If I go down the same street

922
00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:22,214
and there are adults in all
the trees,

923
00:46:22,238 --> 00:46:23,448
I'm like, "I need to get

924
00:46:23,573 --> 00:46:26,284
into a fucking tree now."

925
00:46:26,409 --> 00:46:28,704
[applause]

926
00:46:28,828 --> 00:46:31,498
"Something bad is happening
on this street.

927
00:46:34,501 --> 00:46:38,921
There's like a wolf or something
around here."

928
00:46:39,047 --> 00:46:40,632
That's how you know you're
a grownup,

929
00:46:40,757 --> 00:46:41,591
if someone sees you in a tree
and they're like,

930
00:46:41,717 --> 00:46:45,595
"Get help!"

931
00:46:45,721 --> 00:46:48,097
I don't know why, but if
somebody's smelling something,

932
00:46:48,223 --> 00:46:50,433
and they also close their eyes
while they're doing it,

933
00:46:50,559 --> 00:46:52,561
I just wanna smack them
in the face.

934
00:46:54,604 --> 00:46:56,356
"Open your eyes.
You can do both.

935
00:46:56,481 --> 00:46:57,583
You can look and smell
at the same time.

936
00:46:57,607 --> 00:46:58,608
Don't do that."

937
00:47:02,237 --> 00:47:04,030
Sometimes they have a bottle

938
00:47:04,155 --> 00:47:06,032
and they'll have
a little ship inside.

939
00:47:06,157 --> 00:47:08,368
Looks cool. It's like the ship
in the bottle, you know?

940
00:47:08,493 --> 00:47:11,204
That would probably
be the worst thing

941
00:47:11,329 --> 00:47:15,041
to have float up to an island
that you're stranded on.

942
00:47:17,544 --> 00:47:20,380
"This is no time for irony!"

943
00:47:24,676 --> 00:47:26,969
People only mention
that it's a free country

944
00:47:27,095 --> 00:47:28,495
when they're
doing something shitty.

945
00:47:28,597 --> 00:47:32,058
[laughter, applause]

946
00:47:32,183 --> 00:47:35,395
- It's like...
- [cheering]

947
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:38,690
"Hey, that's my seat."
"It's a free country."

948
00:47:38,815 --> 00:47:41,192
[mutters] Motherfucker...

949
00:47:41,317 --> 00:47:43,170
People should mention it's
a free country when they're

950
00:47:43,194 --> 00:47:45,423
doing something nice too. Hold
the door for a bunch of people

951
00:47:45,447 --> 00:47:48,450
"Thank you, sir."
"It's a free country."

952
00:47:48,575 --> 00:47:51,453
"Yes, it is, and you
are a patriot. Thank you."

953
00:47:51,578 --> 00:47:55,457
- [cheering, whistling]
- Yeah.

954
00:47:55,582 --> 00:47:58,251
I wonder if you're in prison,
if the other inmates

955
00:47:58,376 --> 00:48:00,462
judge you based on
what you're in for.

956
00:48:00,587 --> 00:48:03,715
Like, when they're organizing
events or activities, you know.

957
00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:05,359
Like, "Should we get Joey
on the committee?"

958
00:48:05,383 --> 00:48:07,218
"No, he's in
for attempted murder.

959
00:48:07,343 --> 00:48:09,304
I feel like he doesn't really
see things through."

960
00:48:09,429 --> 00:48:12,474
[laughter]

961
00:48:17,270 --> 00:48:20,022
On your tombstone...
stay with me.

962
00:48:20,148 --> 00:48:22,400
[laughs]

963
00:48:22,525 --> 00:48:24,944
On your tombstone,
they have the birthdate,

964
00:48:25,069 --> 00:48:26,904
and the death date.

965
00:48:27,029 --> 00:48:29,658
And in between, your whole life,
everything you experienced,

966
00:48:29,783 --> 00:48:33,495
joys, triumphs, defeat,
love, heart break...

967
00:48:33,620 --> 00:48:36,748
Pshht!

968
00:48:36,873 --> 00:48:40,168
Your whole life is just
a little dash after all this.

969
00:48:40,293 --> 00:48:41,711
That's a bummer.
I'm not doing that.

970
00:48:41,837 --> 00:48:43,129
I'm gonna have an ellipsis.

971
00:48:43,254 --> 00:48:46,800
I'm gonna have three dots.

972
00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:48,778
Somebody looks at my tombstone,
there'll be suspense.

973
00:48:48,802 --> 00:48:51,346
They'll be like, "He was born...
Then what?

974
00:48:51,471 --> 00:48:54,015
Uh, he died. There it is.
Right there."

975
00:48:56,392 --> 00:48:58,144
- But then...
- [cheering]

976
00:48:58,269 --> 00:49:00,605
...three more dots,
and a third date.

977
00:49:00,730 --> 00:49:03,859
"Holy shit, this guy rallied!

978
00:49:04,025 --> 00:49:08,279
Whoa! What an interesting
dead person."

979
00:49:11,825 --> 00:49:15,161
I would never go
tandem skydiving.

980
00:49:15,286 --> 00:49:18,456
If something goes wrong, you're
getting dry-humped to death.

981
00:49:21,250 --> 00:49:24,420
What a terrible way to go.

982
00:49:24,546 --> 00:49:26,548
"What happened?"
"Uh, looks like he got

983
00:49:26,673 --> 00:49:29,592
dry-humped going about 200 miles
per hour into the earth."

984
00:49:33,513 --> 00:49:36,599
I got an email from someone
that said, at the bottom,

985
00:49:36,725 --> 00:49:39,769
"Warmest regards, Steven."

986
00:49:39,895 --> 00:49:42,271
That's when I realized that's
as warm as you can go

987
00:49:42,397 --> 00:49:44,190
with regards.

988
00:49:46,609 --> 00:49:48,570
You know what I mean?
Like, "Hot regards, Steven."

989
00:49:48,653 --> 00:49:50,488
That's not appropriate, Steven.

990
00:49:52,908 --> 00:49:54,719
"Steaming hot regards." What,
did you just take a shit

991
00:49:54,743 --> 00:49:56,327
in my email?

992
00:50:00,832 --> 00:50:06,504
Warm or room temperature regards
will be just fine for me. Okay?

993
00:50:06,629 --> 00:50:08,733
Regards are strange, 'cause you
can only really send them.

994
00:50:08,757 --> 00:50:10,675
It's very hard to give them
in person.

995
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:12,528
You tell somebody, "Hey,
give him my regards."

996
00:50:12,552 --> 00:50:13,987
And they can kind of be
the middleman

997
00:50:14,011 --> 00:50:16,347
and pass the regards along.

998
00:50:16,472 --> 00:50:17,909
You show up at a friend's house,
they open the door,

999
00:50:17,933 --> 00:50:19,684
you're like, "Hey, regards."

1000
00:50:22,478 --> 00:50:23,915
"What the hell was that?"
"I'm regarding you."

1001
00:50:23,939 --> 00:50:24,957
"Don't do it, it's awkward.
I don't know

1002
00:50:24,981 --> 00:50:26,190
how to deal with this.

1003
00:50:26,315 --> 00:50:27,609
Please send them through

1004
00:50:27,734 --> 00:50:30,820
someone else in the future,
okay?"

1005
00:50:30,946 --> 00:50:34,240
I like buying shoes
because you go the store,

1006
00:50:34,365 --> 00:50:35,676
and they have those
little mirrors,

1007
00:50:35,700 --> 00:50:38,453
they have those
little slanted mirrors.

1008
00:50:38,578 --> 00:50:40,747
So funny, you know?
"How do those feel?"

1009
00:50:40,872 --> 00:50:42,892
"These feel good. I was just
wondering, do you have anything

1010
00:50:42,916 --> 00:50:45,543
that could show me what
they'll look like to dogs?"

1011
00:50:48,838 --> 00:50:50,858
"Uh, yes, we do. We have these
ridiculous small mirrors

1012
00:50:50,882 --> 00:50:52,842
all over the room, so...

1013
00:50:52,968 --> 00:50:54,928
Yeah, these."
"Oh, those are perfect,

1014
00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:56,989
yeah, 'cause I don't want to be
involved in the reflection,

1015
00:50:57,013 --> 00:50:59,032
I don't want my identity
linked to the shoes at all.

1016
00:50:59,056 --> 00:51:01,768
I just want new shoes
and severed shins,

1017
00:51:01,893 --> 00:51:03,478
just floating around the room,
like,

1018
00:51:03,603 --> 00:51:05,438
as if I'm four-fifths ghost
or something

1019
00:51:05,563 --> 00:51:07,983
would be perfect for me."

1020
00:51:08,107 --> 00:51:10,067
It's weird, 'cause, like,
when you buy gloves,

1021
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:11,295
they don't have mirrors off
to the side where you're like,

1022
00:51:11,319 --> 00:51:12,821
"Oh, that's good. Just...

1023
00:51:12,946 --> 00:51:14,906
...the glove and my wrist.
That's all,

1024
00:51:15,031 --> 00:51:18,493
the forearm and the glove
is all I really needed there."

1025
00:51:18,618 --> 00:51:22,831
I saw a TV commercial for a TV.

1026
00:51:22,956 --> 00:51:25,166
The basis of the commercial
was, "Look at how amazing

1027
00:51:25,291 --> 00:51:28,586
the picture is on this TV."

1028
00:51:28,711 --> 00:51:30,648
I looked at it and I was like,
"That looks remarkably

1029
00:51:30,672 --> 00:51:35,718
identical to the resolution
of my TV.

1030
00:51:35,844 --> 00:51:37,679
I think I'm good, thanks."

1031
00:51:40,431 --> 00:51:42,642
I like the term "sexual favor"
'cause it's

1032
00:51:42,767 --> 00:51:46,813
a really funny understatement.
You know?

1033
00:51:46,938 --> 00:51:48,272
"Anything else
I can do for you?"

1034
00:51:48,397 --> 00:51:51,359
"Uh, yeah. Just, um...

1035
00:51:51,484 --> 00:51:53,361
...if I could ask a favor."

1036
00:51:55,363 --> 00:51:56,803
"What, you need a ride
or something?"

1037
00:51:56,906 --> 00:51:58,574
"Yeah, kind of."

1038
00:52:04,831 --> 00:52:08,918
All right, I wanna get
something offstage now.

1039
00:52:09,044 --> 00:52:12,254
But I don't want there to be,
like, a dead space

1040
00:52:12,380 --> 00:52:15,591
in the middle of this special,
so...

1041
00:52:15,717 --> 00:52:18,011
I wonder if I, um...

1042
00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:20,930
if I use editing,
if I go from right here,

1043
00:52:21,056 --> 00:52:23,641
if I could suddenly appear
over there.

1044
00:52:23,766 --> 00:52:26,519
Cool, that worked. All right.

1045
00:52:26,644 --> 00:52:29,105
[laughs]

1046
00:52:29,230 --> 00:52:33,234
- They can't see me right now.
- [plays harmonica]

1047
00:52:33,359 --> 00:52:35,862
[cheering]

1048
00:52:44,579 --> 00:52:47,874
[playing harmonica]

1049
00:52:52,587 --> 00:52:55,590
[chuckles]

1050
00:52:55,715 --> 00:52:57,759
- [strums chord]
- All right.

1051
00:52:57,884 --> 00:53:01,262
- Yeah, that was...
- [cheering]

1052
00:53:05,266 --> 00:53:08,644
That was almost smooth.
It was so close. [laughs]

1053
00:53:08,770 --> 00:53:12,607
[plays guitar melody]

1054
00:53:12,732 --> 00:53:16,111
I love playing guitar.
I find it so relaxing.

1055
00:53:16,235 --> 00:53:18,571
I'm not great at it,
but, you know,

1056
00:53:18,696 --> 00:53:21,157
I still play 'cause I enjoy it.

1057
00:53:21,282 --> 00:53:25,161
I've tried to write songs,
but it's not my gift.

1058
00:53:25,286 --> 00:53:28,998
I wrote a protest song, but it
was an instrumental, so...

1059
00:53:31,459 --> 00:53:33,419
So very ineffective.

1060
00:53:36,172 --> 00:53:38,507
My friend called my other friend
a night owl,

1061
00:53:38,633 --> 00:53:40,111
and I was like, "You know,
owls are nocturnal.

1062
00:53:40,135 --> 00:53:41,761
You could probably just
call him an owl

1063
00:53:41,886 --> 00:53:43,012
and that would cover it."

1064
00:53:46,808 --> 00:53:49,351
I think it's cool that flash
mobs came and went so quickly

1065
00:53:49,477 --> 00:53:50,812
as a phenomenon.

1066
00:53:54,190 --> 00:53:56,168
I find that it's a lot less
creepy to ask a woman to dance

1067
00:53:56,192 --> 00:53:58,069
with you than for you.

1068
00:54:00,905 --> 00:54:04,408
What happened
with number one pencils?

1069
00:54:04,533 --> 00:54:06,327
I feel like they really blew it.

1070
00:54:09,705 --> 00:54:13,250
My friend's really good
at doing the robot.

1071
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:15,461
I'm pretty good.

1072
00:54:15,586 --> 00:54:18,923
If you can imagine a robot
that's so technically advanced

1073
00:54:19,048 --> 00:54:21,843
that it moves exactly
like a regular human being...

1074
00:54:24,137 --> 00:54:25,823
...who's standing on the side
of the dance floor

1075
00:54:25,847 --> 00:54:27,849
being a judgmental asshole.

1076
00:54:27,974 --> 00:54:30,768
[plays harmonica]

1077
00:54:36,232 --> 00:54:38,484
Stuffed animals are cute...

1078
00:54:38,609 --> 00:54:40,361
...unless they once lived.

1079
00:54:43,906 --> 00:54:46,034
I wanna see a snake
eat spaghetti.

1080
00:54:50,955 --> 00:54:53,541
I saw that it was Shark Week.

1081
00:54:53,666 --> 00:54:56,919
So sharks get a week every year.

1082
00:54:57,045 --> 00:54:59,064
So black people get only
three more weeks than sharks

1083
00:54:59,088 --> 00:55:00,089
in this country.

1084
00:55:03,634 --> 00:55:06,554
That's messed up.

1085
00:55:06,679 --> 00:55:08,479
I know we're afraid of both,
but I don't think

1086
00:55:08,556 --> 00:55:10,099
that's appropriate.

1087
00:55:10,225 --> 00:55:13,477
[plays harmonica]

1088
00:55:18,607 --> 00:55:20,609
My friend has a beach body.

1089
00:55:20,735 --> 00:55:22,528
Kind of like a sea lion.

1090
00:55:28,117 --> 00:55:30,703
I wanna open an optical store.

1091
00:55:30,828 --> 00:55:32,997
I'll make the sign
really blurry.

1092
00:55:37,085 --> 00:55:38,878
I think the best form
of birth control

1093
00:55:39,003 --> 00:55:41,005
is correcting
other people's grammar.

1094
00:55:43,549 --> 00:55:45,051
Works every time.

1095
00:55:51,057 --> 00:55:54,102
I like that they came up
with the word "crafts."

1096
00:55:54,227 --> 00:55:55,728
'Cause I think art
and shitty art

1097
00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:57,146
just sounds too mean.

1098
00:56:02,443 --> 00:56:05,654
One restaurant that doesn't
deliver that should

1099
00:56:05,780 --> 00:56:06,989
is a food truck.

1100
00:56:11,994 --> 00:56:14,122
Just drive it to my house.
Come on, you're perfectly

1101
00:56:14,247 --> 00:56:15,706
equipped for this.

1102
00:56:19,794 --> 00:56:21,146
Taste buds sound like
they get along

1103
00:56:21,170 --> 00:56:22,630
really well with each other.

1104
00:56:27,218 --> 00:56:29,659
I think most people who describe
themselves as a people person

1105
00:56:29,762 --> 00:56:31,013
should maybe check with others

1106
00:56:31,139 --> 00:56:33,099
before they give
themself that title.

1107
00:56:35,977 --> 00:56:38,687
[plays harmonica]

1108
00:56:45,486 --> 00:56:48,739
One place I would not want
to be chased is Kenya.

1109
00:56:55,454 --> 00:56:57,915
I think my favorite thing
of all time ever,

1110
00:56:58,040 --> 00:57:00,417
of everything ever,

1111
00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:02,044
is exaggeration.

1112
00:57:05,298 --> 00:57:07,591
No, I'm sorry.
I like second guessing the best.

1113
00:57:07,716 --> 00:57:09,593
I prefer second guessing.

1114
00:57:09,718 --> 00:57:11,762
That's the best.

1115
00:57:11,887 --> 00:57:13,888
If I had a safe in my house,
the only thing I would

1116
00:57:13,931 --> 00:57:15,891
put in there is a note
that says,

1117
00:57:16,017 --> 00:57:17,726
"Nice try, asshole."

1118
00:57:19,979 --> 00:57:21,730
I feel like most people
are assholes

1119
00:57:21,856 --> 00:57:23,458
because if I see a group
of people and I go,

1120
00:57:23,482 --> 00:57:26,277
"Hey, asshole,"
they all turn and look.

1121
00:57:29,864 --> 00:57:31,784
Sometimes I'm worried
that I might be an asshole.

1122
00:57:31,866 --> 00:57:35,328
I feel like I'm a good person,
but, at the same time,

1123
00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:37,746
if I see somebody trip,
I feel like,

1124
00:57:37,872 --> 00:57:41,792
"Yeah." [laughs]

1125
00:57:41,917 --> 00:57:44,045
"Wasn't me. Awesome."

1126
00:57:46,255 --> 00:57:50,259
Fall is the only season
that has another name.

1127
00:57:50,385 --> 00:57:53,304
It's like that one had a sex
change or something, you know?

1128
00:57:53,429 --> 00:57:56,057
"Have you seen fall recently?"
"You mean autumn?"

1129
00:57:59,977 --> 00:58:01,645
That joke is not offensive.

1130
00:58:04,815 --> 00:58:06,456
Sometimes instead of saying
"for example,"

1131
00:58:06,525 --> 00:58:08,610
I'll say something such as,
"such as," for example.

1132
00:58:13,449 --> 00:58:15,743
I go to the gym religiously.

1133
00:58:15,868 --> 00:58:17,828
About twice a year
around the holidays.

1134
00:58:17,953 --> 00:58:22,958
[laugher, cheering]

1135
00:58:23,084 --> 00:58:26,003
All right.

1136
00:58:26,128 --> 00:58:28,964
I think Jesus was probably
one of the first scarecrows.

1137
00:58:29,090 --> 00:58:32,218
- [plays harmonica]
- [crowd gasping]

1138
00:58:39,100 --> 00:58:40,642
Thank you, harmonica.

1139
00:58:44,188 --> 00:58:45,498
I don't like
double-decker busses.

1140
00:58:45,522 --> 00:58:47,942
I think that's a bad idea.

1141
00:58:48,067 --> 00:58:50,045
There's a situation where you
can get in a car accident

1142
00:58:50,069 --> 00:58:52,654
and fall down the stairs
at the same time.

1143
00:58:52,780 --> 00:58:57,368
Way too dangerous.

1144
00:58:57,493 --> 00:58:59,703
If you're in a drum circle,
I wonder if there's a moment

1145
00:58:59,828 --> 00:59:02,873
where you're like,
"I'm never gonna be rich."

1146
00:59:10,589 --> 00:59:13,259
I think "balls" is a terrible
nickname for that part

1147
00:59:13,384 --> 00:59:15,219
of the male anatomy.

1148
00:59:15,344 --> 00:59:17,430
Balls?

1149
00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:20,224
That implies all these things
we don't want done to them.

1150
00:59:20,349 --> 00:59:24,353
You throw balls and you bounce
them and you kick 'em.

1151
00:59:24,479 --> 00:59:27,273
All bad. Terrible.

1152
00:59:27,398 --> 00:59:29,817
They should have named them
something better.

1153
00:59:29,942 --> 00:59:31,360
Mints.

1154
00:59:36,991 --> 00:59:39,071
"You okay?" "Yeah, yeah,
my lozenges just got grazed.

1155
00:59:39,160 --> 00:59:40,369
I'm fine."

1156
00:59:43,956 --> 00:59:47,084
When I was in high school,
I experimented sexually.

1157
00:59:47,209 --> 00:59:49,170
The experiment was to never
have sex with anybody,

1158
00:59:49,253 --> 00:59:51,046
no matter how hard I tried.

1159
00:59:52,881 --> 00:59:54,300
Success.

1160
00:59:56,969 --> 00:59:59,180
When you've having sex
with somebody, you can say,

1161
00:59:59,305 --> 01:00:02,099
"Yes" or "Yeah"

1162
01:00:02,224 --> 01:00:04,185
or "Uh-huh."

1163
01:00:04,310 --> 01:00:06,979
But for some reason,
you can't say "Yep."

1164
01:00:09,440 --> 01:00:11,192
"Oh, yep, baby. Ooh!

1165
01:00:11,317 --> 01:00:14,236
Yep. Yep, yep. Yep, yep!
Yep, yep, yep!

1166
01:00:14,362 --> 01:00:16,280
Indeed!"

1167
01:00:16,405 --> 01:00:20,075
[plays harmonica]

1168
01:00:23,954 --> 01:00:25,432
- [song ends]
- Thank you so much, everybody.

1169
01:00:25,456 --> 01:00:29,918
- Thank you.
- [cheering]

1170
01:00:30,044 --> 01:00:31,295
Thanks. Thank you.

1171
01:00:31,420 --> 01:00:35,841
[cheering]

1172
01:00:35,966 --> 01:00:39,011
[soft rock music plays]

1173
01:00:53,984 --> 01:00:58,030
[cheering, applause continues]