This year's gonna suck.
How do you know that?
Oops. That happened.
Call it a hunch.
Ew.
Last year, we were kings.
Fifth graders. We ruled that school.
This year, nobody likes us.
That is true.
Speak for yourself. I'll be fine.
I got a mustache coming in.
I don't see it. Nope.
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
Uh-uh. No one's got it worse than me.
See that girl over there?
She's gonna torture me every chance she gets.
Wait a sec. Isn't that your sister?
Yeah.
At least you guys have your own rooms.
My grandfather stole mine.
Wait. Your grandpa moved in with you guys?
When did that happen?
Ever since he robbed that grocery store.
Can I help you, Sir?
You can help me find Maria. Oh, Maria's gone.
We're completely self checkout now.
Much faster. Much more efficient.
I think you'll like it.
So, are the prices gonna be lower
because I'm doing all the work now?
We have everyday low prices here, Sir.
Every day. Every day?
Every day. Get out of my way. Get out of my way.
Oh, no problem.
Whoa!
Please scan your item.
I'm talking to a robot.
Please scan your item.
I just did.
See if this thing...
Please scan your item.
You're very boring.
Please scan your item.
Yeah, right.
Sir!
Sir?
Sir, I need you to stop. Hey!
Whoa! Oh, hey!
Sir, let me help you.
You hurt my leg! Get away! Come on, Sir.
Get out of the way! I'm a senior citizen!
Get out of here! I know judo.
Leave that poor man alone!
Whoa! Your pharmacy stinks!
You're ageist! Oh, I see.
Y'all want to bring it on.
You want to bring it on?
Treat us with respect! Oh!
That's all you got?
Now, that hurt.
Hey, there's my girl.
You didn't have to come all this way.
I told you I was fine.
What happened to the mailbox?
Oh, that. Some idiot took it out.
Oh, crap.
Dad, you're driving again, aren't you?
You lost your license, remember?
No, I didn't lose it. I forgot to renew it.
So now I have to retake the test again, which is idiotic
because I've been driving for over 50 years.
I mean, what am I supposed to do, starve to death?
I'm coming in.
This can't keep happening.
Don't worry, I'm never going back to that damn store again.
No, I mean the part about,
I have to leave the dealership early,
drive two hours each way just to check on you.
I didn't ask you to come!
No, you didn't! The police did.
Dad, I want to come. I want to be there for you.
But maybe this is
now the time that we have to consider...
No. I am not moving.
I built this house,
I'm gonna die in this house, and that's it.
And you're not putting me in a home.
What if it were our home? What are you talking about?
Fish and relatives stink after three days.
That's a horrible idea. We'll kill each other.
It ain't working. No, sorry.
Dad...
I miss her, too.
And, and that's not gonna change
by moving me out of my house and sticking me in yours.
Oh, God.
Well, maybe we could miss her together.
Yeah, maybe.
But you don't have the room in your house anyway.
Where would you even put me?
The attic? No way!
Come on, Buddy, don't make this harder than it already is.
It's the only choice.
Ooh!
Dad, if it's the only choice, then it isn't a choice at all.
'Cause a choice means you get to pick between at least two things.
And this is one thing.
Unless the other thing is I get to sleep in the yard and get eaten by a bear.
Don't be so dramatic, Peter.
Besides, your sisters already share a room.
Yeah, well, Sarah told me you said that.
No, I know she exaggerates, but...
♪ Christmastime is here ♪
♪ Happiness and cheer... ♪
No, you stop. Hold on. Shh!
Shh!
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh!
Shh!
Hey, what's up?
Shh!
Plus, the attic doesn't have a bathroom.
And Grandpa can't do all those stairs.
And the basement... Is the basement.
What?
My Jordans.
I just put in fresh laces.
Hey, Peter. Do you need help moving upstairs?
Get out! It's still my room!
Hmm. Not for long.
Go away! Go, go, go.
Look, Peter, I know this is not ideal,
but we're a family,
and you have to make sacrifices for each other.
Sometimes very big sacrifices.
Look, Sweetheart, the attic is bigger than this room.
Once you move in, then that will be your room.
No, it won't.
It'll be the attic,
where you put stuff and forget it,
just like our old TV,
or the exercise bike that Dad used once.
True. I exercise. What?
Look, think about it as a fresh new start.
All right? We'll dust everything off,
put some new paint up everywhere.
Give you a chance to... Clean out your turtle tank.
Huh? They like it like that.
Gives them privacy.
Does this still fit you, Sweetie?
Yes.
Grandpa!
♪ Grandpa's here, Grandpa's here ♪
♪ Grandpa all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to have a Grandpa come and stay, hey ♪
Hey! Now, remember,
we don't want to overwhelm Grandpa, okay?
So let's let him get settled in.
There'll be plenty of time to talk to him tonight at dinner. Okay?
Oh, I'm not gonna be here.
What? What? I'm studying with Russell.
"Studying" still means studying, right?
It's not slang for something else?
No, Dad, "Studying" still means studying.
And I already cleared it with Mom.
Grandpa! Jenny!
Don't body slam.
Hi, Grandpa. Hello, Sweetheart.
Ed. Artie.
Where's your brother?
Peter?
Peter!
Peter?
Kids, let's help, uh, Grandpa get his bags.
Okay. I got this. I got it.
Okay. It just... It's right over here.
You know, he called me Artie again.
Please, Arthur.
This isn't easy for him.
Hey, Grandpa.
Hey! There he is! Look at you.
You're sprouting up like a weed.
Oh. Nice sneakers.
Thanks. How do you like your room?
It looks nice.
Yeah, that's 'cause it is nice.
Easily the nicest room in the house.
Well, I know, Kid.
Look, I didn't want it to be this way, either.
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in a family.
That's true. You're right.
Sometimes you don't even get a vote.
That makes two of us.
Careful with these floorboards.
They're not very level.
I'll remember that. Thanks, Kiddo.
Talk to you later, Grandpa.
Come visit me in the attic anytime.
It's the creepy place with all the spiders and mice.
Peter! I wasn't!
Here we are.
You were robbed, Bro.
No. I was invaded.
The worst part is I'm not even allowed to complain about it.
Seems like you've been complaining an awful lot, P.
I mean at home, 'cause he's old
and we all love him and stuff.
Dude, come on, you can't allow the enemy to invade your base.
You got to fight back and stick up for your rights.
I don't have rights.
Everyone has rights. They're in, uh...
Uh, alien something.
They have to allow you to pursue happiness.
It's in the Constitution.
Yeah. Well, that would be great if I lived in North America,
but it turns out that 153 Burlington Avenue
is actually in North Korea. Whoa!
Did your parents know that when they bought the house?
What?
I wouldn't put up with this, Petes.
I'd demand my room back, or else it's war.
What do you mean, "Or else it's war"?
You want him to attack his grandfather?
Sneak attack, Emma.
See, he can't fight him the normal way,
because his grandfather has strength, size and experience,
whereas Peter is just weak, small and dumb.
You're a bad friend.
Hi, Steven.
Mom says don't forget to wear your sandals when you shower in gym class.
Not cool, Lisa.
My brother has that toe fungus thing. It's totally gross.
And contagious. Contagious?
Gross. It's only on six of my toes.
That's a lot of toe, Bro.
Hi, Grandpa. Hi, Sweetheart.
Do you want to play a game?
I have Reindeer Run.
I have Santa's World.
I have 1-2-3 Christmas Tree.
Well, maybe, but not right now, okay?
Want to watch a movie?
I have Frosty the Snowman.
I don't think so, okay, Sweetheart?
Maybe tomorrow? Okay.
What's wrong with Grandpa?
Why? What happened?
He doesn't want to do anything.
He just stares out the window, but there's nothing there
except that dead tree that Daddy says he's gonna cut down.
But you won't let him use the chain saw.
Daddy can use a chain saw any time he wants, Honey. Okay?
He just chooses to wait until Mommy says it's okay.
Grandpa will be all right. He's just tired
and thinking a lot about Grandma.
He'll be okay. Okay.
Get away from me!
I hate my life.
Oh, come on.
Ow!
"Declaration of War.
"When in the course of human events
"One person steals
"Another person's bedroom,
"There is no other choice but war.
"You have 24 hours to give me back what is mine
"Or face the consequences.
"Secret Warrior."
Nice handwriting.
It's not bad. It's just...
You know, it's an adjustment, so...
Yeah. Who are you talking to?
What? It's Jerry. I'm just... I'm on the phone.
No, I would love to.
I would love to, but I can't. I'm sort of stuck here. Yeah.
Hi, Jerry. It's Sally. Hey!
He's not stuck. What are you doing?
Yeah, I'll bring him over on my way to work. See you soon.
Bye, Jerry.
So, now you're setting me up on playdates?
Gonna pack me a lunch, maybe put a note in it?
You want a note? You might not like what it says.
I'll see him another time. I'm not up to it.
You haven't seen Jerry in ages.
Now you live close. It'll be nice.
I can't, I don't want to, and I've got stuff to do.
I have to take care of the light switch
in my room now, 'cause Artie put it in backwards. You did.
Eat up. We leave in 15 minutes.
Yes, Mom.
How's it going, Grandpa? Sleep okay?
Like a log, Petey. Thanks.
Don't you guys get the paper around here? Yeah, we do.
Here it is. Oh, I can't read this.
Just make it bigger, see? Oh, yeah.
Jen... How does she survive?
She doesn't eat anything. I don't know.
Don't be late, Peter. Okay.
So, no nightmares?
Me? No. Insomnia?
Now it's like eight words on the whole screen.
You don't want to talk about anything?
I just made the whole thing disappear.
I don't know what I did just now. Peter, let's go!
Okay, well, if you want to talk about
something later on, we can do that.
Okay, have a good day.
He didn't react at all?
Not a word. What's his game?
What's yours, Pete?
I mean, come on,
you don't start a war with a note.
Maybe he didn't actually read it.
He read it.
It was on his desk, unfolded.
Maybe he forgot what he read. Old people do that.
You do that, Steve.
Oops.
That happened.
But the point is you've already blown the element of surprise.
You've got to attack immediately.
Um, there's chili in your backpack.
He knows. Yeah.
Hi, Steven. Oh, God, no.
You left your retainer in the back seat of Mom's car.
I think a Snickers got mashed up in it.
Ugh. At least I hope that's a Snickers.
See you at dinner.
We're good, it's a Snickers.
Coming along, Arthur? Not bad. If you like big boxes.
Big boxes built this company.
Yes. Yes, they did.
You sure that's the Wal-mart footprint?
"Wal-mart"?
Thought this was for K-mart.
It's Wal-mart.
Oh, man. I'm sorry.
I, uh, got a lot on my mind these days.
My father in law just moved in with us, so...
I don't know. I feel like he judges me.
He thinks I work for some soul sucking corporate firm
that has no interest in the cares or worries of its...
Its employees.
Have a good time.
So I'm just gonna walk home?
Well, you can if you want.
Or you can use this.
I already have a phone.
That's not a phone. I don't even know what that is.
Just take it.
Okay, now, this is a car service called Lyft.
You want to go home, you just swipe that,
somebody comes to get you. You don't need any cash.
You don't even have to talk to anybody. Just swipe.
Just swipe it.
Bye, Dad. Oh, okay.
Say hi to Jerry for me. I will.
Holy cow. This is all yours?
This is like a college kid's dream room.
Are you kidding?
No college kid could afford this.
The pool table alone is 6 grand.
And you use all this stuff?
Of course, I do.
What do you want to do first?
Eight ball?
Pump some iron? I got Madden.
And what the heck is that?
That is a Onewheel.
And they are fun.
And you actually ride that thing?
Hells yes!
Epic!
Whoa!
You should see me.
Wow! Yo, Jerry!
Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were ocupado.
This is my old friend Ed. Ed.
Danny. Hey. Danny.
Hi, Danny. Glad to meet you.
So, uh, we walking?
Yeah. Oh, good.
'Cause my masseuse told me
if I got 10,000 steps in this week,
she would meet me for coffee.
Ooh. And by coffee, I mean, you know...
Coffee? Yeah, coffee.
Morning, Ladies. Really, Dude?
Those Yoga pants are gonna be the death of me.
Why do you do that?
What? They think I'm cute.
Yeah, cute, like, "Aren't old guys cute
"When they still think they have a shot?"
Hey, I'm a catch. You know, I got a full pension.
Two more years, I can ski free as a senior.
You ski? No, I do not.
Morning. Beautiful morning. How you doing?
Nice, nice. Next time bring up the pension.
Or the free skiing you'll never do. Oh.
How's your daughter's place, Ed?
It's okay, I guess.
She gave me my grandson's room.
He's not too happy about it.
He sent me this last night.
Whoa!
How did you respond?
I didn't. You're just gonna roll over on this?
You got to respond. Come on.
This kind of aggression shall not stand. Semper Fi.
I didn't know you were a Marine.
I wasn't. I'm just saying.
Ah, he's a kid. He's getting used to it, just like I am.
I'm his grandfather. So you know...
He's not gonna do anything.
What are you talking about? You can't...
"People who steal other people's rooms
"Should not sleep well."
Peter?
Oh, Peter.
Grandpa. Is that you?
Yeah, it's me. You know it's me.
You know what time it is?
Nighttime?
It's the middle of the night. Come on. It's not funny, Peter.
I don't like people playing tricks on me,
especially not my own grandson.
It's not a trick. It's war.
You don't go to war against your family.
You have to have an enemy to go to war, and I'm not your enemy.
You got my declaration. Why didn't you say anything?
Because I was kind of hoping it was a joke.
It's not a joke.
You took something of mine, and I want it back.
Okay. Go back to sleep.
You made your point, but this is over now.
We'll see you in the morning, which is almost here.
Grandpa? I love you.
I love you, too, Kiddo.
But the war's still on.
Hi, Grandpa. Hey, Jenny.
Can I come in? Sure.
Why not?
'Cause when Peter lived here,
I wasn't allowed, unless I sneaked.
Come on, come on.
So, what can I do for you? Nothing.
I just like to look at other people's stuff.
You know it's my birthday coming up.
That I do.
Okay. Just making sure.
What's this?
Those are marbles.
Can I have one?
Sure, if you promise to take care of it,
because they're very special.
They're not magic.
People always think their things are magic and they never are.
No. I didn't say that they were magic,
but they are special.
Come here.
You remember how Grandpa used to build houses?
Yeah, but I wasn't born.
That's true, you weren't born.
But when you build a house,
you always start by doing some digging.
And for some reason, you almost always find marbles.
I guess because they roll around and get lost easily.
But pretty much every foundation I ever dug,
I always found a marble or two.
So, guess what I did with them?
What? I kept them.
So, if you count all those marbles,
you'll know how many houses I built.
That's a lot of houses.
I worked a long time.
How come you don't work now?
Because I'm what you call "Retired."
What's "Retired"?
It's when you stop working so you can do other things.
Like your grandmother and I had big plans,
but sometimes things just don't work out.
Can I have a marble now?
Sure.
What the...
Careful, Sweetheart. Careful, careful.
Are you okay, Grandpa?
Yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna rest
down here for a while.
Can I still have a marble?
Take whatever you want.
Oh, no.
No, no.
No.
What's that racket upstairs?
Grandpa lost his marbles.
You wanted to see me?
Yeah, come on in.
Shut the door.
Have a seat.
So...
You know that big jar of marbles I had?
No. How would I know about the things you have
in your room...
That used to be mine?
That's good.
That's funny.
That's real funny.
Everybody likes a funny kid.
I thought we were done with this.
All you have to do is tell Mom and Dad
that you want to switch rooms with me.
And then it'll be done.
You really want a war?
Because, you know, I've been in one.
And it's not like video games.
Even if you win, everybody gets hurt.
I only want what's mine.
By playing hardball, huh?
I'm not playing.
Fair enough.
So, what are the rules of engagement?
The what?
Rules of engagement.
What's allowed and not allowed.
You don't have rules in a war.
Oh, yes, you do.
"Rule number one...
"No collateral damage
"To civilians or their property."
That means it can't affect your parents or your sisters.
Agreed.
"Rule number two...
"No telling."
This is man to man,
just between me and you.
No ratting the other guy out.
Agreed.
Okay. Sign.
Okay.
You got your wish, Secret Warrior.
Okay...
Senior Soldier.
But from now on,
you better watch out.
The jungle...
A place where animals both big and small,
exotic and bizarre,
coexist with one another in the same space
and in the same time.
The game... To survive.
The stakes... Life and death.
Those who strike first live to see another day.
Those who sleep
will be eaten alive.
Okay. Okay.
What the...
What is this stuff?
Fast drying foam sealant.
I'm gonna kill this kid.
You don't mess with me, you little...
You think you're cute?
You've welcomed a world of pain, my friend.
You'll be sorry. Mess with me, you little...
Think you're cute? You're not cute!
Ah!
Oh!
This will never be spoken of.
No idea what you're talking about.
Oh!
You're doing very well, Grandpa.
Thank you, Sweetheart.
You're a very good teacher.
Why is your face all red?
I don't know.
I may be allergic to something in this house.
I'm off to shaving cream.
I mean, school.
Uh, Peter, is that your binder?
Yeah. Thanks.
Have a good day at school, Kiddo.
Love you.
Hey, Pete.
How's your super unnecessary war going?
Not good. I was up all night.
Couldn't sleep at all.
Diarrhea? What? No.
My grandpa.
Your grandpa had diarrhea?
No. There's no diarrhea in this story.
Oh.
I did what you said yesterday,
and I hit him good multiple times.
I even put hot sauce in his coffee this morning.
So far, nothing.
Dude, your grandfather's using psyops.
Psychological warfare.
Or maybe he's just being an adult.
Peter, if you're done talking, maybe you'd like to read us
your report on what you did over your summer vacation?
Yeah. Sure.
"My Summer Vacation" by Peter Decker.
"This summer was one of the best summer breaks I've ever had.
"I rode my bike a lot and stopped showering
"until I smelled like a monkey's butt."
Keep reading, Peter. Go on.
I don't want to. This isn't my... Read.
"During my vacation,
"I figured out how to freeze my own farts in a baggie."
I didn't write this!
Have a seat.
And see me after class.
Psyops.
Amateur.
What's going on here?
Nothing. Nothing. We were just, um...
I was just dropping off some vocabulary drills.
Really? Vocabulary.
Russell, go.
Mia, stay.
Do we not have a policy
about no boys in this house when no one is here?
Oh, my God, Mom, don't blow a gasket.
We weren't doing anything.
Don't you think I was your age once?
No, I don't. Really?
Yeah, 'cause you are... What?
You are literally... You are... Say it.
Those vocabulary drills are paying off, Sweetie.
Ugh!
What the heck?
Whoa!
Don't start nothing, won't be nothing.
He got me.
I got him good. Tape on the doorway.
Like I wouldn't see that coming from a mile away.
Rookie! Tape on the doorway.
Step back, Boys. Big hitter.
All right. Yep. Stepping back.
We should skip this hole.
Yeah, good idea. Come on. Yeah.
I wonder how my grandpa's golf game is... Going.
My Jordans.
Dude, I think your grandpa might be a ninja.
My Jordans!
First time?
Unfortunately, no.
What are you, a spy or something?
No, I'm just trying to outsmart my grandson.
We're in the middle of a turf battle over a bedroom.
I just moved into my daughter's house, so...
No, no, no, don't say anything else.
That way, they can't make me testify.
I won't.
You need a hand?
No, let me give it one more shot.
Oh, come on. Yeah, I...
All right, what am I doing wrong now?
Oh! No, I'm not gonna help you now.
That way, you'll never learn. Making it tough on me, huh?
You're on your way.
Bam!
Cars like this 1974 Volkswagen Bug use...
We had one of those, remember?
We changed the clutch on it. Yeah, how could I forget?
You dropped the flywheel on my toe.
That was your fault for mistaking me for your son.
Anybody want to watch anything else, maybe?
Like, uh, Netflix?
Weather Channel?
C-SPAN?
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Hey, yeah.
Hey. Going to Skyler's House.
What? Now?
Yeah. I'm studying.
Do you want me to get into a good college or not?
Okay. Bye.
She's going to see Russell. I know it.
What? None of my business.
No, come on. You're gonna say it anyway.
Okay.
My advice about fighting with her about her boyfriend is don't.
It cost me two years with you.
Yeah.
When you started dating Artie here.
That's not true. I don't remember that.
I do. It was terrible.
I was over at the house all the time.
Yeah, you were over at the house talking to your mother.
You barely talked to me at all.
Oh.
Really? Yeah.
Um... Sorry, Dad.
No, don't be. It was my fault.
I thought he wasn't good enough for you,
till I realized that wasn't the point.
The point was you thought he was good enough for you.
But you and Arthur get along great now.
Because I stopped being an idiot.
But I'll never get those two years back.
Wow. Uh...
I appreciate that, Ed.
You're welcome, Artie. I mean, I meant that, sincerely.
But the career, not so much.
What?
Dad!
Nothing against Artie. It's just that I think
that people who lose sight of their dreams
and settle for less are never very happy.
That's all.
Really? I find that those same people
tend to have secure incomes.
Which then allow them to, I don't know,
take in an aging senior, perhaps.
And the name's Arthur.
Come on, Honey. Let's go. It's bedtime.
Here we go.
Night, Sweetie.
Night. Good night.
I thought you stopped being an idiot.
Sorry.
I can't put anything back together.
He took all of the screws.
So now I'm sleeping on the floor.
That's hilarious.
Yeah. Ha ha.
Dude, you might have to face the fact
that your grandfather's just smarter than you.
Hey! Billy, nice snake.
Thanks.
Steven, I found the dog chewing your snuggables again.
Those aren't mine.
Really?
It says "Captain Steve" on the waistband.
Get out of my room! Captain Steve.
See? Not that hard. Yeah.
Thanks, Kiddo.
Okay, off you go.
Skedaddle. Thanks.
Yeah. Now you're talking.
I know something you could do, Peter.
What? You could use
some of the mental energy you're expending
on thinking up stupid tricks
to play on your grandfather to not get a C in math.
Who cares about math? This is real life.
Said the guy building a fake castle in a video game.
Petersburg isn't a castle.
It's a palace.
And after three years in the making, it's almost finished.
Too easy.
No.
Uh-oh.
And then see if the light comes back on.
No!
Any nimrod knows that.
What the...
Did you bring it?
You got the cash?
Dude, it's all there.
I'm sure it is, Pete. I'm sure it is.
Not funny, Peter.
Nice snake.
Nice, nice snake. Nice snake.
Nice. Take all the room you want.
Do whatever you want.
I'm just gonna go...
Go over here.
Don't mind if I do, Eddie.
You stay there. You stay there.
What's that?
It's a Vitalert Necklace.
A what?
Like those TV commercials?
You expect me to wear that?
Absolutely not.
No way.
Look. You know, you just... No.
You wear it under your shirt,
and, hey, nobody can even see it.
You can't see that. Right?
If you don't want to wear it for you,
wear it for me.
But I don't need this.
Really? I don't need this.
Because Arthur says that you've been acting...
Oddly.
He has? For the record,
I didn't say "Oddly."
I said "Confused."
Confused? Look, Dad,
is it so hard to believe that we care about you?
Probably won't even need to use it.
You got that right, 'cause I'm not wearing it.
Look, it gives me peace of mind to know
that with just one push of a button,
you can get help if you need it.
Please?
Please.
Sweet necklace, Grandpa.
For every action, My Friend.
Ugh!
And this is how you found him?
Yeah.
When I couldn't reach him online, I got worried.
My life's work... Ruined!
All I see is a pile of rubble.
He destroyed Petersburg!
I've been building it for more than a third of my life.
Actually, three over 12 is exactly 25%,
which is less than a third of your life.
Well, it is.
It's okay, Buddy.
Oh. You see, Dear?
I was right. The boy's coming around.
Do you both promise to use your words?
I promise.
Why are we doing it this way?
Because, when you have peace talks,
you need someone neutral to mediate.
Otherwise, it just breaks down into yelling.
This is dumb! Well, we're doing it.
Besides, it took me five minutes
to get in this chair, and I'm not getting out.
Grandpa promised. You have to promise.
Okay, fine. I promise.
Good. Now, I will admit
that hostilities may have escalated
more than either of us anticipated.
You don't touch another man's computer!
That's not cool!
That's what war is all about, Kiddo.
War. I just want my room back!
No yelling. I'm not yelling. He's yelling.
Say you're sorry to Grandpa.
No, it's okay, Sweetheart.
I love you, Grandpa.
I love you, too.
Stop that! Stop what?
What's going on here? Nothing's going on here.
You're supposed to be neutral!
I don't even know what that means.
It means you shouldn't act like you like him better than me.
I do like him better than you.
He gave me a cookie.
Okay, that sounds worse than it is.
It is true a cookie was given, but it was way before
this negotiation had even been scheduled.
Chocolate chip, my favorite.
Mine, too.
That's it.
I'm done. Peace is canceled.
No yelling. Shut up!
Shut up's a bad word. Peter.
Can I have my second cookie now?
Peter, hold on. Please.
Come on. You're right.
A cookie may have been involved,
which may have been an attempt to influence the mediator,
which, in retrospect, may have been inappropriate.
May have been? Okay, to be fair,
you entered negotiations with a bit of an attitude yourself.
You didn't really give peace a chance, either.
Why should I? You demolished Petersburg.
But that's what I've been trying to tell you when this all started.
War is no game, Peter.
Only kids and fools and generals think that.
War hurts.
War wounds and kills and causes misery.
We got to end this somehow.
How?
What if we have one final competition, winner take all?
What kind of competition? I don't know. You pick.
Whatever you want, I'll do it and this whole thing will be over.
Whatever I want? Whatever you want.
Okay.
It's not a date.
It's just that we need a fourth for the team
and it needs to be a woman, and I don't know anyone else.
So, let me get this straight.
You want me to help you and your buddies
to beat up your grandson and his buddies,
because the two of you can't figure out
some way to live in the same house?
Well, when you put it like that...
I'm in.
My granddaughter can be a pain in the butt sometimes.
Whoo!
Holy Mary, we're dead.
It's just an intimidation tactic, Danny.
Don't let them see your fear.
They feed off that.
They're like baby velociraptors.
Yeah. We're up.
Do you guys even remember how to play dodgeball?
Did they even have dodgeball in the 1800s?
They had wiseass kids, I know that.
And just remember, no headsies.
And no nutsies.
No aiming for the junk.
Yeah. What he said.
Hope you brought your Poligrip, Old Man,
'cause those false teeth are coming out.
Big words for a little baby.
Sure you don't need your diaper changed?
Sure you don't?
Ooh!
Men. Tell me about it.
You're gonna love the attic, Grandpa.
We're gonna see about that, Petey Boy.
Let's get it on.
Let's get it on!
Hi.
Run for your lives!
Fire!
I'm already regretting agreeing to do this.
Man down.
Hey! We said no headsies.
Oops. It slipped.
Punk.
That's game!
Age Appropriate Team, one.
Whoo! Yeah! That's what's up!
AARP Team, none.
My ears are ringing. This is barbaric.
Man up, Danny. Get in the game.
Who's this again? Come on, bring it in, Guys.
Bring it in.
Obviously, they're way too fast for us.
Yeah. Yeah.
We're gonna have to play our game
if we're gonna win this thing. Am I right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Okay. I have an idea.
Game two. Positions, people.
Grab 'em!
Fire!
Yeah. Now you're in trouble.
Boom!
Out, out, out.
Two catches and a hit. You three.
Come on, you old coots, give me your best shot.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Headsies.
Whoo!
Nutsies.
Oops. Slipped.
That's game two. We tied, one apiece.
Final match. Winner takes all.
You okay?
Okay?
Positions, people.
What's he doing?
Danny.
You're an animal.
Hells yeah!
Whose house is this?
Our house! Our house!
Yeah! Let's do this.
Jerry, what happened?
I tore something.
Yeah, I definitely heard a pop.
Dude... I mean, Old Dude.
Are you okay? Of course he's okay, Dummy.
You, you're out.
Cheap.
You can't get me. I'm on fire!
Sorry, Danny.
Oh! What's up, Son?
You two, out.
What? That's not fair!
Yeah, Ref, doesn't count.
Kid was already out and he throws like a girl.
Ooh!
Diane, what's with the friendly fire?
What are you, a rogue agent now?
You three, out.
Yes! Nice.
Sorry, Peter's Grandpa, but I'm gonna end you.
Hey, what happened to the sisterhood?
Sorry, Kid.
You will not have died in vain. This is so dumb.
Yeah, you're out now. Off you go.
Come on, Peter, you got this!
End him. Get your room back.
Finish him, Ed.
What are y'all waiting for? End it!
I got an 8 year old's birthday party that's next.
It's a tie. What?
Come on. No way!
What? No way! What? A tie?
I totally caught his ball before he caught mine.
No, I caught the ball first.
Really? Seriously, he caught it before him.
He bobbled his. I didn't bobble anything.
He's got butterfingers.
See? Butter.
He's old... His fingers don't work.
I got one finger that works.
Okay, that's enough. Game over.
Go home, all y'all, seriously. Leave.
I won. Yeah, sure.
I won. Are you kidding me?
You lost. I'm sorry. What are you talking about?
You know that. What are you talking about?
I obviously caught it before you.
This place have a bar?
Hmm.
What's this?
I'm just doodling.
It doesn't look like one of your usual...
What do you call 'em, boxes.
Yeah.
No, don't get me wrong. I meant...
It's interesting, really. I like it.
Is this for work?
No, the... The city's
taking bids for an addition to the library.
So I thought I would submit a design.
But you know how it is. I'm sure they'll
just pick one of the big firms.
Well, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
You know who said that?
Uh...
No.
Wayne Gretzky.
Best hockey player of all time.
I was gonna say that.
The Great One?
The greatest.
Still not a sports guy.
Nah. Okay.
Found him. Prepare a sedative.
Just lay down, Sir.
What is this?
Relax, Sir. Hold him. Hold him.
We're trying to save your life, Sir.
Get that thing away from me!
Sir, you are not helping us.
I just bought these, you idiot!
What are you... Don't worry, Sir.
You're in good hands.
You touch me with those, you die!
Patient appears combative. You touch me with those...
We might need restraints.
Restraints! I don't need restraints!
Just relax, Sir. Don't do it!
Dude, I hated that test.
I think I did pretty good.
Get in the car.
Uh...
Thanks,
but I think I'm just gonna take the bus home with my friends.
Come on, get in the car.
Bye.
Friend of yours?
That's Chuck.
You don't need to know about Chuck.
Um...
Where are we going?
Clear Lake.
Nice place. You'll like it.
You know I'm only 12, right?
That's a lot of life left to live.
I could be president someday.
Be on the first manned mission to Mars.
Holy heck!
Get out.
You know...
Mom's expecting us for dinner.
Maybe I should call her,
let her know where we're at.
Don't bother. We're bringing dinner home tonight.
I rented it for a couple hours.
I thought me and you could do a little fishing.
Together.
How's that sound?
Great!
I mean, I'm not gonna have fun.
You'll have fun.
I think I caught one.
That a way.
It's got to be a big one.
Hey! He's huge!
Nice going.
Yeah.
That's not a fish. That's a whale.
He really fought, too.
We're gonna have some good eating tonight.
Let me bait you up again.
Okay.
Okay, cast away.
Nice cast.
Thanks.
This is kind of fun. Yeah, it is.
That's what happens when we put our differences aside, you see?
How are they biting?
Pretty good.
Caught a couple of nice ones.
Good for you.
That's probably because
not too many people fish here,
it being illegal and all.
What? What?
You could ask the ranger.
Here he comes now.
Dump the fish.
But those are our fish! Dump the fish!
Why? Dump them!
The cooler!
Forget the cooler.
You are in violation of the law!
He's gaining on us.
What are you doing?
I got to call Chuck to pick us up.
He left us?
What kind of friend is that?
Friend? He's my Lyft driver. I don't know the guy.
Pull over or face the consequences!
Brace yourself. We're coming in hot.
Grandpa, come on!
Hey, why didn't you tell us there was no fishing?
You wouldn't have rented the boat!
Hey! Stop!
Hold it!
That was so cool. Yeah, that was.
But breaking the law is wrong. You know that, right?
Yeah, I know.
Mmm.
Pull over here, Chuck.
I want to show you something, Pete.
So, this house...
This house for sale, I built it.
They changed the color. I don't like that.
What do you think?
I like it.
Maybe it's not so bad.
You know, over the years,
if I wasn't feeling so good,
I'd come by, and I'd... I'd take a look.
I'd see people living in the thing I built,
raising families, making lives, and...
I'd feel better.
You feel better now?
Yeah, I do.
Hey, do you want to know a secret?
Yeah.
Come on.
People who build houses usually sign their work,
like an artist signs a painting.
Really? Yeah.
But it's always hidden.
Yeah.
Some guys sign their name on a rafter.
Others put something under the floorboards,
like a newspaper with the date the house was finished.
One guy I knew used to write a poem
on the bottom of a toilet before he installed it.
What did you do? Me?
Well, I always had one of my guys
take a picture of me and your grandmother,
and then I would seal the picture
inside the wall next to the fireplace.
So, there are photos of me and your grandmother
inside walls all over this part of the city.
Nobody knows but you.
And now you do.
That's cool.
Mmm-hmm.
We'll make an angler out of you yet, Kid.
Maybe next time, we can actually find a lake
where they let us fish.
Oh, yeah, there are plenty of lakes
brimming with bass around here, Pete.
Yeah. Fat ones, too.
Yeah, whoppers.
Grandpa? Yeah, Pete.
Thank you for taking me fishing.
I had a really great time.
You're welcome. I had a great time, too.
Let's do it more often.
Yeah.
Sure.
See you at dinner.
That's good.
You got me. You got me good.
You're a dead man.
Oops!
Ow! That happened.
Not again.
Oops.
That happened.
Okay, so I'm gonna put the Santa hat
right here.
Did you put the words in that one?
I'm doing that right now.
"Come celebrate Jennifer's super fun,
"Christmas theme birthday party."
Great job. Like it?
Love it.
Is this seat open?
Thanks, Ed, for coming with me.
These things are never fun to go to alone.
Carl was one of my longtime adventure buddies.
Gonna miss the old hell raiser.
How did he, you know, uh...
In his sleep.
While skydiving.
Looking good, Bro.
So, did you come here alone?
That's my husband.
Mmm.
Probably need a ride, huh?
What the...
Sorry.
Shoot.
What the...
Sorry about this, Carl.
I don't know this guy.
So, Grandpa, how was that funeral yesterday?
Really nice.
Thanks for asking.
How about you? Anything exciting happen at school?
No.
Unless you call getting punched in the face
by a giant eighth grader exciting.
Really?
Yep.
What happened? He was blasted into a giant
orangesicle... As soon as he opened up my backpack.
It's so weird, right?
Hello, Boys!
Hey, Dad. Hey...
Let me set this stuff down, and I'll help you
put the lights on the roof there, Ed.
Thanks, Arthur.
I said "Arthur."
Don't you two make a nice team.
Jenny's birthday's gonna be so exciting.
All that's left to do is try to find a Santa Claus
in early September, and we'll be golden.
Don't you worry yourself.
I know Santa personally.
Consider it done.
Aw!
Thanks, Dad. That's so sweet.
It's the least I can do for Jenny.
Mom, before you say no, hear me out.
Can Russell come to Jennifer's birthday party?
No. What?
Why? Peter's friends get to go.
That reminds me, I invited Jerry
and the crew, if that's okay.
No, that's great.
And you don't see how unfair this is?
I hate you!
I don't want to hear it.
Hey, Peter.
Yeah?
Listen... You know,
in World War I, the Germans and the British
put down their weapons on Christmas Eve
in favor of celebrating rather than fighting
during the holiday. Hmm.
Your sister's birthday is a special occasion
and should be celebrated.
I guess you're right.
Okay, then let's agree...
Temporary armistice for Jenny.
Deal?
Deal.
Please! Stop it.
Ow! Cut it out!
You're hurting me. "You're hurting me."
That looks like fun.
Yeah, lots of fun.
We like fun, too.
Forgot I had detention today.
Looks like you're on your own.
I have a question.
Do you know my grandson Peter Decker?
Thought so.
Dumpster. What? Wait, wait.
Don't make this harder than it has to be, Kid.
Come on, take your lumps like a man.
Who are you guys? Come on.
Disciplinary board.
Leave Peter alone, understood?
Whoa! Ripe.
Not your lucky day, tough guy.
Get him in there. No!
No! Don't...
No!
Nasty!
Get me out of here!
Hello?
Wow!
Merry birthday, Sweetheart.
It's quiet.
Too quiet.
Billy, they agreed.
His grandpa's not gonna do anything.
If my grandpa makes a move, I'll be ready.
See that Santa chair?
Yeah.
I booby trapped it.
Did somebody say "Boobies"?
Go away, Steve.
This eggnog tastes funny.
Let me fix it for you.
Ooh!
Hey, everybody!
Guess who's here!
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.
Here comes Santa.
Santa!
Better watch out, better not pout.
I got toys and goodies. I got everything.
Wait a sec.
That's not my grandpa.
Ed?
No, thanks. Got to stay alert.
Just in case.
Kid wouldn't have the cojones to do anything. You shook on it.
You never know. You can't trust these kids.
Hey, Grandpa.
Hey. Nice party, huh, Pal?
Sure is, Buddy.
But I thought you were playing Santa Claus.
Me? Oh, no, I leave that to the professionals.
Jerry's been a mall Santa ever since he retired.
That a problem, Pete?
Why would that be a problem?
Just asking.
Hey, you want to get me one of those sodas over there?
Thanks, Kiddo.
Kid's up to something. I can feel it.
Probably just a coincidence.
Ho, ho, ho!
And what's your name?
Let me guess.
It wasn't a name 20 years ago.
Am I right? Peter?
Dad, what's up? You know where Mia is?
She's supposed to help me with the hot dogs.
Nope.
Well, hey, come on. I could use your help.
Hey, Grandpa.
What happened to you? You're all wet.
Some questions don't have answers, Pete.
Hey, cookie?
No, it's okay. Oh, they're delicious.
No, it's really fine. Especially this one.
I'm good. You sure?
I'm sure.
Want to help me get some mustard and ketchup on these
bad boys and get 'em out to the kids before they get cold?
Sounds good, Dad.
I'll do the front row, you do the back?
You're the boss.
I'm so sorry. That just slipped.
I swear, I didn't mean to do that.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, darn.
Bottles must be overly full.
Hey, Dad? The Christmas lights are on the fritz again.
Could you check on them? I'm on it.
Yeah, and, Peter, check on the air pump for the bouncy house.
Could be a little bit... Bouncier.
What the heck is he up to now?
Grandpa!
Dad! Dad!
Dad?
Are you all right?
I'm okay. Found a quarter in here.
Peter, we said no pranks.
We shook hands on it, man to man. What happened?
What are you talking about?
Grandpa, I swear, I didn't do that.
Whoa!
Santa's dead!
Okay. I might have did that.
That's not good.
Danny, Ed, did you see that?
Epic.
Here comes Santa.
Ho, ho, ho.
My franks. Jerry!
Jerry, you all right? What happened?
Fire!
Everybody get back! I got this!
Dad, I'll get the hose. Okay.
All right, pull the pin. Got it.
"Point away from face..."
I'm blind!
I got it.
Grandpa, get out of the way!
My Christmas tree.
My Christmas birthday cake.
Oh! What have we done?
No, no, no, no!
Peter!
Hi, Mom.
Mia?
Russell!
Don't you run away, Russell!
Nothing happened.
Okay, this is not my fault.
Little help? Anybody?
That's a pretty good scrape there, Mr. Marino.
Yeah? You should see the tree.
Thank you.
What? What? It's nothing. I'll be all right.
Sure, you'll be all right. Dad's always all right.
Doesn't need anyone's help or love.
Oh, Sally, please, come on.
You could've been killed, Dad. Come on.
You're over dramatizing. It was an accident. That's all.
An accident? Yeah.
What, you think I don't know about the war, Dad?
Or should I say "Senior Soldier"?
Oh... That.
What were you two thinking?
Don't blame the kid, Sally. Please.
It's all on me. I'm the grown-up here,
and I should know better. Yeah, you should've.
I'm sorry. I just... It got out of hand, and...
I have the money to pay for everything.
And I'll take my crew, and we'll fix everything the way it was.
It's not about the house or the money, Dad.
If you hated living with us so much, you just should've said it.
I never said I hated living with you.
Exactly. I just said you never said it.
What I'm saying, I never said that.
We clear that up, hopefully?
No. Forget about what you never said.
The point is, I just thought
when you came home with us, you'd realize that we love you
and you'd change your mind about living alone.
But, of course, that didn't happen.
You're just so hell bent on...
Funning it up.
Are you okay, Grandpa? Yeah. Grandpa's fine.
Listen, Sweetheart, I'm really sorry
about what happened at your birthday party.
It's okay.
I brought you something to make you feel better.
That's very nice, but I gave that to you, remember?
Don't you want it?
I think you need it more.
We can call it a loan.
That's very adult of you, Sweetheart.
You'll be able to take him home soon.
The doctor just needs to review the X-rays.
We'll be in the waiting room.
Can I go see him now?
No. It'll be a long time
before we leave the two of you alone together again, ever.
Is he gonna be okay?
He'll be fine. You and Mia, on the other hand,
that's a different story.
You're both chor-rounded for the next six months.
Chor-rounded? What does that even mean?
Chores plus grounded, times six months.
What? Yeah.
So, that's a whole lot of both, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.
But I didn't even do half of the stuff that Peter did.
This is so not fair.
Can I be chor-rounded, too?
No, Sweetie, you don't have to be chor-rounded.
Russell.
Don't you move a muscle. Wait.
Wait, Mom! Come on! Russell!
Dad, can you think rationally about...
Russell! She said not to move.
Russell! Get away from me!
Get back here, you coward!
Punk!
Okay, that's it. Mom is certifiably insane.
I'm going out there. Whoa, whoa. Hold on.
I know your mother. She can handle this.
You're not gonna slug me, are you, Mrs. Decker?
No.
What's happening right now?
What's happening right now is
I'm not gonna lose two years of my daughter, Russell.
Come on, take it before I change my mind.
Come by the house tomorrow.
Really? Yep.
And bring some work clothes.
I've got this giant hole in the second floor, needs fixing.
Okay.
How'd that go?
Thanks a lot, Mom.
I didn't hurt him.
Mmm-hmm.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Let's go get Grandpa and go home.
Excuse me. Can you check on Mr. Marino, see if he's ready to go?
Oh, he left already.
I thought you all left.
He said his brother was picking him up.
Brother? Yeah.
Chuck?
Chuck.
Who's Chuck?
Dad? Ed?
Grandpa! Grandpa!
Grandpa? Grandpa!
Ed? Dad?
Grandpa!
Dad? Mom!
I just got off the phone with Jerry. He hasn't seen him.
I shouldn't have laid into him so hard.
It's Peter's fault. He made Grandpa run away.
Yeah, Peter, but at least you got your room back.
Happy now?
Peter, you still with us?
I think I know where Grandpa went.
I like the fireplace a lot.
They don't make 'em like this anymore.
Thanks.
You know, there are secrets inside these walls.
Oh. Hmm. Hmm.
Wait.
I started this.
I'd like to be the one to end it.
Hi, Chuck.
Grandpa.
Peter. Um... What's going on?
You moved out of your room. It's your room, Kiddo.
It always was.
I decided... I want you to have it.
I don't want you to leave, Grandpa.
Peter, I think we both know the room will always be between us.
No, it won't. Besides, I love the attic.
I don't know why I got mad about that old, smelly room in the first place.
Honest.
So you've got to come back.
It's not that easy, Kiddo.
I'll do anything.
I'll get back every marble for you. I swear.
Oh... Pete.
Grandpa, please.
I feel so ashamed of how I acted.
I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
It's all my fault.
No. Don't you believe that for one second. It's both our faults.
You were just defending what was yours.
Maybe this is how wars get started and just go on and on.
Your enemy does something bad to you, so you do something worse back to him.
And he gets you back, and you get him back.
And the whole thing just gets worse and worse.
And in the end, somebody just drops a bomb.
Isn't that how it happens? That's how it happens.
I don't ever want to go to war.
I'm very glad to hear you say that, and I hope to God you never have to.
Can I tell you something, though?
I kind of enjoyed matching wits with a fellow crazy man.
Really? Yeah.
It helped me get over my sadness for your grandmother.
Plus, you got me pretty good a couple times.
Not as good as you got me.
Yeah.
Please come home, Grandpa.
Come here.
All righty, Mr. Decker, if you'll sign right there.
You know, I was gonna cut this tree down myself.
But my wife, with the whole chain saw thing.
You know, I can use a chain saw any time I want.
Yeah. I believe that, Man.
Here, if you need anything else,
just give me a call at the office, all right?
Yeah. I mean, I can use it any time I want.
Yeah. Have some dignity. It's just a chain saw.
Why? Did she say something?
Hey, Grandpa. I'm ready to go fishing.
Oh, Petey, I guess I forgot to tell you, I can't take you fishing today.
Why? It's Saturday. We always go fishing. It's our thing.
I know. We do, Kiddo, and I wish I could,
but I made other plans, but we'll make up for it.
Like what?
Little matinee, maybe hit that new gelato place.
See? That's for me. Got to go.
We'll make up for it.
Is everything all right? Yeah, just Peter.
We should go.
Grandpa! Grandpa!
Hi, Grandpa.
See?
Look at that.
Too much? We're good!
Oh!
Another one.
I just saw your...
I like it. Get the blood flow.
My...
Russell. Russell! Russell.
I didn't know that made the cut.
Got something in my throat.
What, did he move?
Golly, he's still alive.
Tune in to the next episode of...
Let me do that again.
Hey. How can I help you?
How can I doobie-do ya? How can I help you out?
Doobie, doobie, doobie. Yeah!
Oh, come on.
Crawling up my back.
And you actually ride that thing?
Hells yes. Fun.
F-U-N-N.
Last time, again.
What the hell is that?
I didn't know you were a Marine. I wasn't. I'm just saying.
Get him in there.
Come on. I don't even know you guys.
All right.
We got it. I think we're good.
I work for some soul sucking corporate firm
that has no interest in the cares or worries of its...
Cutting.
Good.
Good talk.