[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-[INDISTINCT CLAMORING] -Maybe we can deposit
your life savings tomorrow.
-[SQUEAKING] -I said
we can deposit your life savings.
Ah! Sorry, Squeaks.
It's hard for me to talk over all this noise!
What is all this?
Step right up, folks,
and grab yourself a bottle of Foghorn's Snake Oil Supplements,
a magical mixture guaranteed to remedy any malady.
Now, who out there has aches and pains, huh?
[ALL CHEER]
Social anxiety keeping you down?
MAN: [MEEKLY] Um, yes. I do. I'm sorry.
With Foghorn's Snake Oil Supplements you'll feel better in no time!
Sprains, rashes, itches, it'll even do your dishes!
Ooh! Can it fix up my sore tooth?
-[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING] -Why, of course it can,
stranger who I've never met before.
It can be trusted to fix your biscuspid.
Hey, it totally feels better and everything.
[STAMMERS] And I'm not just saying that because he's paying me.
-Now, who wants to buy some of Foghorn's Snake Oil? -[ALL CLAMORING]
This guy is about as genuine as a Times Square wrist watch.
Oh, no, Squeaks!
You didn't buy all those bottles, did you?
[SQUEAKING]
And you spent your entire life savings?
[GULPING]
[GAGGING]
-[SCREAMS] -Well, of course it doesn't work.
It's snake oil! It says so right on the bottle!
Don't worry, I'm going to get your money back.
I'm going to teach this guy a lesson.
-What a bunch of rubes! -[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
To say it's like taking candy from a baby, would be an insult to candy!
[CHUCKLES] Hey!
Where did this fancy sports car come from?
She's a real beauty, ain't she?
Ooh, yeah!
Why don't you take a gander? You big goose.
Take a look at this aerodynamic side paneling.
Feast your eyes on this roomy interior.
Check out this trunk! It's big enough to fit a whale.
-[WHALE CALLS] -[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
So, make me an offer.
I'll give you 100 bucks!
With everything I've shown you? This was my old man's baby!
Maybe I should keep it.
I mean, he lined the floorboards with $100 bills.
I'll give you 5,000!
And you'll never see a diamond-studded chassis like this again.
Twenty thousand.
And it's a pretty special car
that has The Declaration of Independence sewn into the backseat.
Fifty thousand! Sixty thousand!
-Yeah, she's a keeper. -Oh, wait!
Ooh! Ah! Come on! Eighty!
No, no, 100,000!
You've got a deal!
[ENGINE STALLS]
[METAL CLANGS]
What the... Counterfeit?
And let me guess, cubic zirconia?
I can see this is a sucker game, rabbit.
A shakedown, a subterfuge the money, the diamonds, the historical document,
it's all a hoax!
Wait, wait, that's the real Declaration of Independence...
Oh... Well, the car's a lemon, son.
-No, this is a lemon. -I declare!
That's just a lousy car you spent too much money on.
He's got me there. Well, good on him.
There's always more money to be made.
Sure it's... I say, sure it's embarrassing, but a real entrepreneur
is always sniffing for the next opportunity,
-I oughta say. -[SOBBING]
What the...
Why, is that the sound of tears from an old gold miner?
What's the matter, old timer?
I've been working in this silver mine for nigh on 10 years.
Breaking my back, working to the bone,
and all I've found are these little yellow rocks.
Little yellow rocks you say, huh?
Uh, these look like g...
[CLEARS THROAT]
Say, uh, just between you and me, uh,
how many of these little, old yellow rocks did you happen to find?
-[CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYING] -Ooh!
[SLOT MACHINE MUSIC PLAYING]
Something about a fella who doesn't realize he's sitting on a pile of treasure
that's a little... Ugh!
I'll tell you what, how about I buy that land that your mine sits on
and you can move on from these nasty, worthless stones.
Well, I guess I could for maybe 100...
Sold! Now that I own your mine, sir, you've been had!
These ain't rocks!
This here's gold! You've been hornswaggled,
bamboozled, flimmed and flammed
by the one and only flim-flam man.
-[UNZIPS] -I suppose this covers
the gold colored paint I used, though, flim-flam Man.
[PAINT STICKING]
Why, you little...
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
I say, I say, get back here, boy!
Now, you're going to give me back everything you stole from me!
You're the one who stole everybody's money!
Well, of course I'm stealing, I'm a grifter.
I'd steal the shirt off your back
and be way across the county before you know it's gone.
It's a sham, son!
In fact, they should call it Foghorn's Fake Oil.
It doesn't make you feel healthy,
-it makes you feel dumb. -[BOTTLE SHATTERS]
Because that's what you are when you buy it. D-U-M-B, dumb.
Don't tell me, tell them!
-[ALL GRUNTING ANGRILY] -Now, now, now, let me explain.
In many countries, dumb is a term of endearment.
Like, "That dress looks dumb on you!"
Or, "Happy Mother's Day, dummy!"
[ALL COMPLAINING]
Oh, easy, fellas!
[LOUD PUNCHING AND THUDDING]
HORACE: I'm not just hitting you because you're paying me!
FOGHORN: Whoa! Oomph!
[GROANS]
Do you have anything for aches and pains?
Well, I've heard good things about Foghorn's Snake Oil.
And don't forget to recycle the empties.
-[WHISTLES] -[METAL CRASHING]
-[SQUEAKING] -Got your savings back?
Just goes to show you, Squeaks,
if you drink too much snake oil, you wind up trashed.
-[BABY COOING] -Boy, this job you got us
is the worst.
[STAMMERING] You don't like delivering babies?
There's nothing more wonderful in the world!
Babies are perfect little angels...
[STAMMERING] Perfect little...
[STAMMERS] They're bundles of joy.
Just one final delivery...
-[STAMMERS] One baby left. -[BABY LAUGHS]
That little Jack Forest.
Come on, let's get this over with.
[READING]
-[GURGLES] -Well, I guess we just leave him here, then.
[STAMMERS] Now wait a second.
[STAMMERS] We can't just leave him on the doorstep.
Fine. We'll take him inside.
Ooh!
A fella could get used to a place like this.
[STAMMERS] Oh, my. This place isn't safe for...
[STAMMERS] Little one. I'm gonna have to...
[STAMMERS] ...baby-proof this place.
Yeah, yeah. You do that.
All open sockets should be padlocked and properly closed.
[GASPS] And this TV
could unexpectedly show a cartoon program and...
[STAMMERS] ...damage his innocent little mind.
[LOUD CLATTERING]
Hey! I was watching that!
My mind's already damaged.
And this couch isn't properly covered to keep the dust away.
Perhaps you're going a little overboard.
[STAMMERS] What makes you say that?
You've totally bubble wrapped the entire house!
DAFFY: You even bubble wrapped the baby!
[STAMMERS] Well, you don't know what it takes to be a parent.
Oh, I bet I could be a better parental figure than you!
Oh, okay. If you're such a good parent
go into the kitchen and get Jack something to eat.
No problem, it's not astrophysics.
It's not, is it?
[STAMMERS] We're going to show Uncle Daffy how challenging parenting can be.
-[CHUCKLES] Aren't we, baby Jack? -[LAUGHING]
-[DISHES BREAKING] -DAFFY: I'm okay!
Now remember, Daffy, babies can't eat adult food.
Okay, dinner is served.
[STAMMERS] Make sure you give it a taste test first
to make sure it's safe for little Jack.
You can't be too careful... [STAMMERS] Cautious.
Too cautious!
I can't be cautious at all!
[SWALLOWS]
[GULPS]
[CHUGS]
[EXPLODES]
What have I done?
[SALSA MUSIC PLAYING]
-Ah! -[BABY CRYING]
[STAMMERS] See, Daffy?
I told you you weren't a good parent.
Now he's all upset!
Out of my way, bub. I'll cheer him up!
I can put a smile on a driver's license! [WHOOPING]
We want to make him laugh, not cry!
Ah!
Whoop! Argh!
[GROANS]
Hey! What's the big idea?
[LAUGHS]
[STAMMERS] There, look. Babies like calamity.
Oh-ho-ho, really?
Uh-oh. Ah! Ooh.
-[NEIGHS] -Ride 'em, cowboy!
Babies like calamity, huh?
Then he'll really like this!
Stop! Stop it! [STAMMERS] Look!
[LAUGHS AND COOS]
-[STAMMERS] We've got to kick it up a notch. -[GASPS]
Let me give it a shot.
[GROANS]
[DAFFY GRUNTING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[GROANS]
[CONFUSED MUTTERING]
[BOTH GROAN]
[COOS AND LAUGHS]
[BOTH SIGHING]
-Did you hear that? -[CRASHES]
-See! He's laughing! I'm a great dad! -[LAUGHS]
PORKY: I'll admit it, you've got good instincts.
But you have yet to prove that you can handle an actual baby.
[STAMMERS] Oh, no!
-You want me to practice being a father on you? -Uh, yeah.
If you can parent a pig you can parent a baby.
Oomph!
[STAMMERS] Put a little oomph into it.
Oh, I'll put a little oomph into it, all right.
-[THUDS] -[BELCHES]
Aw, does someone need to be rocked...
Oomph! [GROANS]
-...and rolled? -[EXCLAIMS]
Hmm, maybe you should take this for a spin, you big baby.
Yay, baby!
-[PORKY SCREAMING] -It's good!
[STRUGGLES]
[STAMMERS] You are a terrible parent.
[STAMMERS] You put a baby in a diaper pail!
It's not my fault. You're a terrible baby.
[STAMMERS] No way. I'm a great baby.
I could be a way better baby than you.
[SOBBING LIKE A BABY]
[SOBS LIKE A BABY]
Goo-goo! Ga-ga!
[STAMMERS AND CRIES]
I made a boom-boom!
I need to be changed!
[ALL CRYING]
-Look, hon, triplets! -Hot dog!
Come here, boys. We're going to take care of you!
[STAMMERING] Actually, I'm Porky Pig.
I deliver babies. And you don't have triplets.
You have twins!
[IMITATING BABY] Goo-goo, ga-ga!
[NORMAL VOICE] Do not blow this for me.
Are you sure, Mr. Duck?
Yes, look at this place.
Who wouldn't want to live here?
Well, you've got a fine home here.
Your boys are going to be well-fed and pampered for the rest of their lives.
Home? Oh, no.
We just sold this place!
-We got tired of the city life... -[GASPS]
...so we sold all of our possessions.
We're going to live in the desert.
-In a tent! -A tent?
I want out! I'm not a baby! I'm...
-See you later, Porky. -And thank you!
[SPITS] Don't you go...
It was my pleasure.
You've got one beautiful family.
And one ugly duckling