Good morning, counselors! And Parker.
That's right, because I'm in my own special category.
You know, sometimes it's lonely here.
A couple quick announcements.
First, whoever's camper keeps putting giant googly eyes stickers on the cows' butts,
A, it's hilarious. Props to them.
But B, we need to get them to knock it off
because it is really confusing the bulls.
It's also making the petting zoo super awkward.
Next, all of the new counselors and Parker
need to become certified in first aid,
because, apparently, the city of Dusty Tush requires it.
Sounds like fun!
Wait. Why do I have to be certified in first aid?
I'm activities director.
Well, since one of your upcoming activities
is something called "bow and arrow tag,"
I think you just answered - your own question. - Oh!
We were gonna wear goggles!
Study these manuals and pay attention in class,
because if you don't pass your first aid certification test, you're going to the viper pit.
[ALL GASP]
Kidding. But you can't work here.
Also, the viper pit isn't dug yet.
Anyway, you're all excused.
Oh, Noah, can I talk to you for a second?
Since you're the only one certified in first aid,
I'd love for you to help me teach the class to the new counselors. Oh! And...
I know, I know! Not everything's a chance to show off my acting skills.
I will simply read the educational material
in my most boring Lou-like voice.
Which I now realize is insulting.
Sorry, boss.
Actually, and I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
I chose you for your acting ability.
Whoa! Really?
Can I use that as a quote for my website?
The only one on there right now is from my neighbor, Darren, that says,
"They don't pay you for this, do they?"
I learned in college that people retain information better
when they're entertained.
And, you're the closest thing to an entertainer I have at this camp.
That's also going on my website!
Noah, I'm gonna be really honest with you.
Your website, it's making me sad.
I need you to bring a little flavor and pizzazz to the first aid class.
- What do you say? - I say it's all coming true!
And my mom said my vision board was a waste of time.
Off to choose some tights!
This may have been a mistake.
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka
Ta-da! Check it out.
Whoa! Cool horse house!
Yup! Totally what they call these.
You nailed it.
Now, you guys can't tell anyone about this place, okay?
Not even your imaginary friends.
I do not have an imaginary friend.
Pedro and I had a falling-out.
So, Winnie. Let me get this straight.
I can't tell anyone about a barn?
On a ranch?
You city folk have a low bar for what you keep secret.
The barn isn't the secret.
The secret is what we're gonna do with it.
I got it!
We turn it into... Hear me out...
A barn!
I'm sorry. Horse house.
Or, even better, we turn this place
into our very own arcade!
The ball pit can go right here,
a VR station here,
and wall-to-wall video games!
We'll never sleep again! [LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY]
Sorry, I heard it. I'm still working on it.
Actually, we're turning it into a Western-themed obstacle course.
My favorite show, Ultimate Western Warrior,
is having people submit videos of themselves
doing stunts.
And if they're good enough,
you get to be on the show!
But I'll need your help pulling it off.
Well, you've come to the right guy,
I've pretty darn handy with tools and woodwork.
But I get a nap at 3:00 p.m. everyday.
Cowboy union rules.
Oh, and Pedro and I can film it for you!
We made up.
I can't wait
to prove to Lou that I'm the best counselor she ever hired.
In first aid, I will be second to none.
Good one, Des.
I'm just hoping to pass this thing
and barely scrape by, as usual. [CHUCKLES]
Good one, Par.
[GROANING] Oh! Woe is me!
I was just down by the lake,
when a bunch of surly badgers attacked me. I need
first aid.
[CRIES OUT IN PAIN]
I really hope this is part of the class.
Oh, no! There's been a terrible, horrible, unforeseen accident
at camp!
You're pushing, just let it flow.
Okay. Everyone, there's been an apparent badger attack
that was not in the script I was handed earlier.
Well, writing is rewriting!
Anyway, class, what's the first thing we should do?
Call my wife!
Tell her I love her!
Incorrect answer, badger victim.
I know! I know!
The first thing to do is ask the person questions
to determine the extent of their injuries.
Nailed it! Next question, please.
Excellent answer...
Is what I would say if you were correct!
Come again?
Actually, you should do
a scan of the area to ensure your own safety
before approaching the injured party.
After all, you can't help anybody if you're injured, too.
Correct! Nice work, Parker.
Wait.
I was wrong, and Parker was right?
Hey! What a fun little twist.
Hey, I found these lights for us to use.
They're gonna give your videos some sweet production value.
They'll also make it super obvious if you mess up,
so, you know, don't do that.
Noted.
Where'd you get all those lights from, anyway?
I took these from one of the outhouses.
It's for the best.
It's harder to do my business when I can see all those toilet scorpions.
You do know that just because you can't see them...
Thanks for the lights, buddy.
So, how's it going in here?
Great. Let me take you on a little tour of the course.
Remember, we look with our eyes.
Not with our hands.
I'm gonna jump from wheel to wheel,
then leapfrog over the sawhorse.
Maybe add a half twist for some style points.
I must say, that sawhorse
looks extremely well-built.
So, kudos to whoever made it.
Didn't you make it?
I stand by what I said.
Then, I'm gonna swing on that rope over the stalls.
And check this out.
This is gonna be my big finale.
A giant slingshot.
Then I'm gonna rocket across the barn into that giant pile of hay
and win the hearts of Ultimate Western Warrior fans everywhere.
Bill, prepare for countdown.
Yes, ma'am!
Three, two, one...
Fire!
[THUD]
Whoa! Are you okay?
WINNIE: Don't worry. This is why we have dress rehearsals.
BILL: Hey, Jake!
Why do you look so nervous?
I keep telling you,
your shadow's not evil Jake!
I'm really worried about Winnie doing this obstacle course.
She could seriously hurt herself.
Should we tattle?
No way! You never tattle.
Out on the range, if a cowboy tattles on another cowboy,
then no one will share the beans with them around the fire.
And pretty soon, they won't even be invited
to sit around the fire at all.
So they'll be sent away cold and beanless?
Yup. Out in the dark, where they can be eaten by a bobcat.
And all they'll find is a couple of spurs in a pile of bobcat scat.
You don't wanna end up a pile of bobcat scat, do you?
No! That sounds horrible!
And I'm sure I'll feel the same way,
once I figure out what it is.
You're just going to have to be cool about this.
You can be cool, right?
Totally! So cool!
Cool as bobcat scat.
I didn't use that right, did I?
Okay, class. Your next assignment will be
learning how to treat a sprained ankle.
You're gonna see this one a lot.
Our kickballs are just big rocks Lou painted red.
Hey! Starting a new camp is expensive.
It was either kickballs or toilet paper.
Your feet may be sore now, but your hands will thank me.
Wow.
Looks like a real angry read.
After I bombed in class yesterday,
I really need a win!
If I fail first aid, I'll get fired!
And I just know my mom is going to put that in her Christmas newsletter.
Look, I've learned in life that it never pays to worry too much about things.
[EXHALES] It helps that I'm wearing lavender chamomile deodorant today.
I'm feeling real loosey-goosey.
Okay, let's get this show on the road.
Noah and I are gonna be
playing the parts of injured campers.
[CLEARS THROAT] Places.
And, action!
[MIMICS BABY CRYING] I'm a whiny baby camper who's never happy,
no matter how hard my camp owner works
and I call and tell on them
every time roadkill is served for lunch. [WAILING]
And...
You sprained your ankle. As did I.
Sorry. I guess I'm working through some things.
Parker, Destiny, you're up first.
Okay, buddy. I know it hurts. But don't you worry.
Your days of pain are going down the drain.
Oh! A clever rhyme to take my mind off the predicament.
[CHUCKLES] Hello, bedside manner.
All right, Destiny, let's see what you've got.
Come on, Baker. Get your game face on!
Time to snap out of this funk
and treat that ankle!
Am I gonna have to give you first aid...
Hush! I'm in the zone!
Jeez, Destiny! You are wrapping an ankle,
not bulldogging a steer!
Look what I have!
[SQUEALING] A lolly!
Yippee!
Hey! That's not in the manual!
You can never go wrong improving with a little pocket candy.
Finished! And in record time.
Ta-da!
All done.
Great! Let's test this puppy out.
Whoo! This is nice.
Firm, yet flexible.
Really makes my calves pop.
Great for an injured man on the go!
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Okay. But check mine out, though.
Lou, give her a spin. Show everybody how great I did.
You wrapped my leg to the stool.
Would you believe it's for extra support?
Pocket candy?
Uh-oh.
Jake, I never thought I'd say this,
but you might have had a point.
Okay. All this barbed wire should really add to the "wow" factor.
I wanted to tape scissors to the walls,
but I think Destiny hid them from me again.
Winnie, what in the wide Wyoming skies
is happening in here?
Seriously. If this were a video game,
I'd need an irresponsible aunt to buy it for me.
Why did you change the course?
I had to.
I saw another contestant's audition video,
and it was way more insane than mine!
If I wanna get on the show, I gotta up my game.
Speaking of, do you guys know where the nearest shark store is?
No! And I'm beginning to think
I couldn't trust you to use a shark responsibly.
Anyway, check it out. First,
I'll climb up into that hayloft,
swing across those wagon wheels,
and get slingshotted through the barbed wire hoop.
Jake, when you're filming me,
zoom out so you can get me and the hoop of death in the same shot.
No!
Fine! Film it your way.
Just make sure you give me some choices in the editing room.
This is crazy. I'm not filming it.
I'm taking my phone and going home.
Well, not home home. That's where chores live.
But you get what I mean!
Jake! Come on!
This is my chance to finally do something legendary.
I'm sorry. I can't be a part of this.
Fine. Bill, you can film me.
No can do. This is dangerous!
And you could really get hurt.
I'm not going to help you do that.
Huh! I guess if neither of us will film you,
you'll have to call off the stunt.
And this will officially be the first time
I've ever been a part of outsmarting somebody.
Oh, gee. Whatever will I do?
[BEEPS]
Replaced by a sawhorse and a rock. Again!
Come on, Jake. Let's get out of here.
All right. You don't have to help me.
But remember, if you say anything to anyone,
then what kind of friends are you?
Bill. Does she expect an answer, or do we just leave?
Got it.
Oh! This is exciting!
Our final test to get first aid certified. Pre-game lolly?
No! I'm way too stressed.
If I have any chance of staying a counselor, I've got to nail this!
Um... But I might want a lolly later.
Attention everyone! We have a first aid emergency!
Which Noah has promised to make more believable.
The camp has been attacked!
The badgers have returned, and they're out for blood!
- You promised. - Yeah, I lied. [CHUCKLES]
There was a deal on stuffed badgers,
and you know how I feel about the props really selling the performance!
Make-believe human-badger war it is, then.
All right, everybody. Follow us into the mess hall,
where you will treat the injured, and if you do well...
Ice cream.
Oh! I love first aid! Yes!
Gerald, treat that bruise. Mary, wash out that wound.
Destiny, take care of that bee sting.
Uh, bee sting? I thought this was a badger attack.
The badgers threw a beehive at us like a grenade!
They've learned how to use weapons! We're doomed!
He's on his own journey now.
Everyone to your patients.
Parker! Give that dummy CPR.
On it!
She gave Parker CPR, and all I got
was this dumb bee sting?
Lou clearly doesn't believe in me.
Which means I'm not gonna pass this class.
Which means I'm gonna get fired,
which means I'll just slink back home,
live in my cousin's van, strap on my clown shoes
and settle in for a life of entertaining
the booger-eaters of Tallahassee!
I can say it! I'm from Tallahassee!
First, I open up the airways,
then I tilt the head back lifting the chin...
[MONITOR BEEPS][GASPS]
He has no pulse.
The badgers have claimed their first victim.
Time to start chest compressions.
I got it! I got it! I got it!
Destiny, what are you doing?
I'm bringing him back from the light!
See, Lou? I can do this.
Now live, you dummy! Live!
Well...
This is going to be a very awkward phone call to his parents.
Fine. I give up. I'm clearly not cut out to be a counselor.
[NOAH SCREAMING]
The badgers have broken through all our defenses.
They're everywhere!
I feel like I missed something.
We've got to stop Winnie from doing this insane stunt.
But how?
I don't know!
Most of my problems are saddle-rash related.
We've got to find Lou and tell her.
We're just gonna have to accept our fates as big old piles of bobcat scat.
By the way, I looked that up and, gross!
But we can't tell Lou!
We gave Winnie our word as friends and promised we wouldn't say anything.
Wait a minute! We promised we wouldn't say anything.
Right, that's what I said.
Right, it's what you said.
What's - what I said? - Now you've got it!
Now I've got what?
Bingo! Let's go!
Go where? I'm so confused!
Destiny? Are you in here?
I just wanted to make sure you're okay...
Lou! We have something really important
to tell you, but we can't tell you.
I do not know where to go from here.
Oh! I know what we're doing!
We're playing charades now? Sure! Why not?
You're a baby deer trying to get across an ice rink.
Uh, a bird caught in a tornado!
The campers are eating those off-limits berries again!
[GASPS] I've got it!
Winnie is doing an incredibly dangerous stunt
to audition for Ultimate Western Warrior,
and I need to stop her before she gets hurt.
BOTH: Yes!
Whoa! We are super rad at charades.
Actually, you have it written on your arm.
Oh. Yeah. I was always gonna tattle, eventually.
I just wanted to make sure I got all the details right.
Where's Winnie right now?
Follow us.
No, buddy.
It's for real this time.
Oh, yeah. Right.
They all said I didn't have what it takes
to become the next Ultimate Western Warrior.
Well. Challenge accepted!
[GRUNTS]
[WINNIE EXHALES]
[GROANS]
Challenge regretted!
Help!
Who's screaming? Can't a girl mope in peace?
Uh-oh!
Winnie! You need to get down.
You think?
[GASPS]
No!
Winnie!
Are you okay?
[GROANS] Yeah. Lou broke my fall. Thanks, Lou.
No problem.
I mean, you'll be on toilet scorpion duty for two weeks, but...
[BREATHING HEAVILY] No problem.
Fair.
I'm so glad you're all right, Winnie.
Me, too.
We're sorry for ratting you out to Lou.
We understand if you don't wanna be our friend anymore.
Are you kidding? You guys saved me.
I'm the one who should apologize.
Turns out, you guys are the kind of friends I can really count on.
No matter how much of a butthead I'm being.
And remember, it's not tattling if someone's gonna get hurt. [LAUGHS]
Speaking of which,
has my left should always been three inches lower than the other one?
Oh, no!
Lou, your shoulder is dislocated.
We need to get you to the infirmary, quick!
Okay, good idea. Right after I build an infirmary.
What?
This camp doesn't have an infirmary?
Kind of irresponsible, seeing how last night's dinner
was porcupine paninis.
It's on my list, okay?
It's been a long week, and it kinda feels like you guys are piling on.
Don't worry, I've got you.
I read in the first aid manual
about treating a dislocated shoulder.
It's called the Cunningham technique, and funny story...
Ow!
Right! Okay, uh...
Stand up straight and roll your shoulders back.
Now, Lou, the most important thing to remember
is to just try and relax...
[LOU SCREAMS]
Destiny! It worked!
[GASPS] Wow!
That was - amazing! - Do me next!
Pocket candy?
Yes, please.
Camille.
Jackson.
Parker.
Congratulations on receiving your first aid certification.
You did much, much, much better than I thought you would.
Thanks! I'm sure there's a compliment in there somewhere.
Well, there is one more certificate to hand out.
Destiny.
Really? Me?
But I popped a dummy's head off.
Yeah, that thing's held together with chewing gum.
We have no money.
Honestly, I've been watching you.
And I think you just put so much pressure on yourself
that you freaked out.
But when it mattered most, you came through
and perfectly treated a dislocated shoulder.
You're right, Lou.
I guess I was so worried about trying to be perfect,
I forgot, I'm awesome!
Well, now that that's over, we can get back to business as usual.
Yeah, I don't think it's over for everyone.
And one by one,
I vanquished a horde of badgers bent on vengeance,
saving the camp once and for all!
[GASPS]
Or did I?
No! I'm humanity's last hope!
Who's left to take up the fight? [SCREAMING]
Oh, lordy, he's writing a sequel.