Hey, Jake, I have a special delivery for you.
A cardboard box?
Nice!
There's probably something in there.
No way. Double nice.
Oh, man, and it's from my best friend, Gamerboy2841.
He didn't use - his real name? - Oh, Lou.
Real names are so 2019.
Bill, your issue of Rancher Monthly magazine came in, and so did mine.
You get Rancher Monthly too?
Did you read that article about organic manure?
[GASPS]
Changed my life.
And I have mail for you, too.
And a magazine called Poutine Digest.
Sweet!
Ironically, poutine is nearly impossible to digest.
It's the curds.
Noah. I have something for... Finally!
You're welcome.
Check it out. It's my new head shots
for my first ever starring-role credit for
Dino Camp Diaries, Part One.
Very optimistic of them to think there will be a part two.
Man.
Even with Dino Camp, my credits list is still way too short.
I wonder if the Dusty Tush theater scene has something I can audition for.
A theater? I want to go.
Whoo. Do I sit before a fellow thespian?
What? No. I'm hoping they might need a pyrotechnician.
I'm trying to be good, but a girl can only go so long
without shooting flames out of a cannon.
I'm so glad you're Destiny's problem.
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka
[CHUCKLING]
Hey, what's so funny?
Oh, we're taking Rancher Monthly's Personality quiz. It's a hoot.
What's it called?
"Find out what tractor model defines you."
Next question.
"When it's time to feed the herd,
"what type of grass do you reach for?"
A, alfalfa, B, rye, or C, Bermuda grass?
- [SCOFFS] Bermuda grass. - BOTH: Alfalfa.
Right. I meant alfalfa.
Hey, I'm second in command around here.
I think it's important I learn
more about this ranching stuff.
Will you two teach me?
Seriously? Even you have to admit,
you're not exactly the... outdoorsy type.
But you said you want this to be a place
where people can learn how to ranch.
Yeah. Kids.
Not ex-trust fund babies,
who up until recently wanted
to go to beatboxing college.
So is that a... [BEATBOXES] yes?
Fine.
If only to stop him from beatboxing.
[BEATBOXING]
Looks like Main Street's getting a new store.
WINNIE: The Armadilla Sarsaparilla Shop-ay?
It's pronounced "shop," little girl.
The added "PE" makes it fancy.
[GIGGLES] You said "pee."
I do not like you.
May I interest you in free samples?
This stuff is delicious.
I always knew I liked you.
The Marshal, do you know of any local acting gigs?
Well, there really isn't a theater scene in Dusty Tush.
Uh, but it's in the works, like our hospital.
You have a Spurbucks but not a hospital?
Actually, I do know of one acting job in town.
How exactly is this an acting job?
You're gonna act as Sassy, a sarsaparilla armadillo,
and hand out coupons
until my shop's grand opening in a few days,
where you'll be the star of the show.
Or whatever.
The star. I like the sound of that.
Winnie, what do you think?
[BELCHES]
I think I love Sarsaparilla.
Super helpful.
Hey, Jake.
Did someone send you an atlas?
Yeah, but why would Gamerboy2841 send me boomer GPS?
Well, thanks for visiting. Bye now.
Jake. Give it.
[SIGHS] A laptop and headset?
Jake, you know you're not supposed to have this.
You haven't played video games in weeks.
You can't start again now.
I swear I didn't know my buddy was sending me this stuff.
It's just nice to hear from him.
I miss my online friends.
Especially Gamerboy2841.
He knows the real me.
Well, not the real me because security.
But the real avatar me.
Look. I get that you miss your friends.
But your parents gave Lou very specific instructions.
No video games.
Fine. I guess that's it for me and my best friend, Gamerboy2841.
You don't even know his real name.
But I know his heart.
Well, not his "heart" heart because security, but his avatar heart.
Where's Parker? These rancher lessons were his idea.
I'm not so sure about this.
Hey, guys.
I'm less sure about this.
I wanted to dress like a real rancher.
You never told me what to wear.
Well, to be honest, I kind of wanted to see what you'd show up in,
and, uh, you did not disappoint.
Well, I'm going to take that as a compliment.
Despite your little tone.
Change into something more comfortable and functional. Like us.
What? This suit is comfortable and functional.
Functional, huh?
So you'd have no problem picking up that stick?
[SCOFFS] No problem at all.
I don't think I want to.
Parker? Would you like to go change into some looser pants?
I am going to change these pants.
But only 'cause I'm not feeling this color today.
What are you doing back here?
Quality control.
Ah, this one's good.
Oh, sorry.
I wasn't paying attention.
I was really into this Sci-fi Fun Times article.
Wait, you read Sci-fi Fun Times, too?
Uh, yeah.
I'm only video store employee who knows anything about science fiction.
You'd be surprised by how many people lie
on their applications about being a true nerd.
You work at a video store?
[SCOFFS] Marry me.[CHUCKLES]
- What? - What?
Oh, I said uh, me, Noah.
Nice to meet you, Noah.
Me, Megan.
I've never flirted before, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how you do it.
Can you believe this new soda shop?
What terrible people.
Terrible? Huh, well, that's an interesting word. Please elaborate. [CHUCKLES]
Didn't you hear? They use real armadillo sweat in their sarsaparilla recipe.
Wait, what? That's messed up.
Right? That sweat belongs to the poor armadillos to do with as they please.
Oh, I was thinking more of the grossness factor, but, yeah. That too.
Anyone who works at that shop
has armadillo sweat on their hands.
Huh, well, the sweat on my hands is definitely all mine.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Well, I better get to work.
We don't get many customers, but people do come in to use the bathroom.
Strongest hand-dryer in the state.
Hopefully I'll see you around.
[LAUGHS] Well, hopefully, I see you first,
just in case I'm doing something you don't like.
Ew, Winnie. Didn't you hear?
Those drinks are made from armadillo sweat.
That's what makes them so salty.
[SIGHS] True love isn't perfect, Noah.
It's the imperfections that make it beautiful.
Watch your step.
And...
Surprise!
You're actually gonna let me play?
No. But I know you miss your friends,
so I'm going to let you talk to them over the headset
while I play for you.
I don't know.
This is a pretty tough game for a non-gamer. No offense.
I'm responsible for Wild Winnie Weber.
I think I can handle it.
By the way, where is she?
Oh, well. Let's play.
Yo, Gamerboy2841. What's up, man?
Oh, I missed you, too.
Ooh, look at you. Has your avatar been working out?
I exploded. Is that good?
My bad, Gamerboy.
Guess I'm kind of rusty.
This was a bad idea. Maybe we should call it.
Uh, no, look, I'm getting the hang of it.
Yes, I exploded the thingy with the thingy,
and I won the thingy.
This is actually pretty fun.
Right? But make sure to ice your thumbs tonight.
They're not gonna like you in the morning.
Come one, come all, to our grand opening tomorrow.
This hurts. I played Hamlet.
Oh. Let me know if you see Megan come this way, okay?
I don't want her to know I work here.
Okay, good. Because I hear all the best relationships
are built on lies.
Get your fill of Armadilla Sarsaparilla! [EXCLAIMS]
What?[SCREAMS]
This awful shop has a mascot?
You should be ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night?
I'm assuming it's some sort of ball?
I won't rest until this whole town
sees you guys for who you really are.
And tomorrow, I'll be the one leading the protest,
you armadillo sweat-stealer.
Ooh. That's good.
That's going on a sign.
Oh, hey, I think that was Megan.
You think?
Okay, rancher lesson number two, roping.
All right, let's get started.
Hold your horses, partner. Take a step back.
Watch the pros.
Whoa!
I believe the word you're looking for is "yee-haw."
Love your technique.
What's with the extra knots in your rope?
Tricked it out, just like the original Bill Pickett used to.
That's so cool.
Can you teach me how to tie my lasso like that?
I'm not sure you're quite ready
for my great-great grandfather's advanced roping techniques.
You're still learning how to put on the right pants.
Let's see what you got, newbie.
I threw the wrong end, didn't I?
[GRUNTS]
Does that count?
[GRUNTS]
[CLANGS]
Does that count?
All right. Well, the weathervane is back on the roof,
but apparently, the wind is blowing "Snorth."
And we're done here. I think these lessons were a bad idea.
But we're just getting started.
I'm sorry, Parker, but I think I was right earlier.
I'm just not sure you have what it takes to be a real rancher.
Yes, I do. I know I can learn.
Look at me. I'm already wearing looser pants.
Check out these lunges.
What if that weathervane had fallen on a real cow?
[SCOFFS] We'd be having barbecue for dinner. [CHUCKLES]
What? Since when do we not eat real cows around here?
Ah, ah!
There's my Sassy.
Hey, you hand out all those coupons?
Uh, I don't have any more 'cause my printer ran out of cyan.
The Marshal, I quit.
Excuse me?
The... The grand opening is tomorrow.
You can't quit.
I'm sorry, but if Megan finds out I'm Sassy,
I'll have no chance with her.
[SIGHS]
Well, I understand.
Far be it for me to stand in the way of love.
Of course,
if you do decide to quit,
I might feel compelled to tell your lady friend the truth.
That you've been Sassy all along.
[GASPS]
You wouldn't.
I would.
Whoa! Were you up playing all night?
Of course not. There was a patch fix update from 3:12 to 3:15.
Okay. Mind if I talk to my buddies?
No can do. I was playing with your friends earlier,
but I had to ditch them.
Their predilection for mercy was holding me back.
You're getting a little intense.
Maybe we should get some fresh air.
And some eye drops. It looks like you haven't blinked in hours.
Ugh. Get off my back, Blinky43, or I'll blast you back to the start menu.
Oh, you are way past eyedrops.
Before you go, mind holding up that power shake so I can take a sip?
Destiny?
What's that bucket for?
Don't be naive, Jacob. I'm on my seventh shake.
You know exactly what that bucket's for.
Why is there a horse in front of my mess hall?
Because... I put him there.
Why is there a Parker on top of my mess hall?
I'm gonna prove to you both
once and for all that I do have what it takes to be a rancher.
I'm gonna jump off this balcony,
and onto that mighty steed.
Did we forget to explain to him what a rancher is?
Cowboys do it in movies all the time.
You never see any of their friends questioning their abilities.
Yeah, because they're stunt cowboys.
You are just a weirdo on a balcony.
You need to get down.
Even if you do land on the horse, you could fall off and hurt yourself.
A rancher fears nothing.
Except for maybe bigger ranchers.
Anyways, watch me nail this landing, buckaroos.
Don't do it!
[GASPS][GRUNTS]
He did it.
[HOARSELY] Yup. Didn't hurt at all. Everything feels fine.
And you stayed on.
That was amazing.
We've got to go tell everyone.
Yeah. You guys go sing my praises without me.
I'm just gonna chill here.
Don't be silly. Come with us.
No, I'd rather not. I can see the parking lot from up here. It's beautiful.
Parker?
Why won't you come down off that horse?
You see, Lou,
a rancher and his horse share a special bond.
Glued your butt to the saddle, didn't you?
Sure did.
Parker, what were you thinking?
I was thinking I'd do anything to have my so-called teachers believe in me.
I wanted to learn how to ranch.
But clearly, I came to the wrong people.
And another thing...
You know, I have more to say on this subject,
but I guess I'm on his journey now.
Is Sassy ready for the big grand opening?[SCOFFS]
He's ready for it to be over.
After today, I'll finally be in the clear with Megan and my secret will be safe.
What secret?
Oh, uh... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
My secret is, I don't know the capital of Wyoming.
It's Cheyenne.
Phew! I've lived with that shame for far too long.
Anyways, what's up, girl?
Well, I can tell you feel the same way I do
about The Marshal stealing all that armadillo sweat.
So...
Do you want to come to the protest today?
- With you? - Yeah.
And maybe after, we can get some takeout
and watch a sci-fi movie at the video store.
How does that sound?
Well, it kind of sounds like a date.
Good. That was my intention.
Oh.
Then yes. Yes to everything you just said.
And pre-yes to all your future suggestions.
[CHUCKLES] Good. Keep that in mind
when I order bananas on our pizza tonight.
See you later.
Dude. What were you thinking?
Oh, I just figured I could eat around the bananas.
No, I mean, how are you gonna dress up as an armadillo
for the big grand opening,
while at the same time protesting it with Megan?
That may have slipped my mind.
Oh, no. What am I gonna do here, Winnie?
Uh, also, I'm having a crisis
and that hat is very distracting.
Hey, give that back!
I can't abandon my squad. We've been friends for, like, a whole 15 minutes.
If you want it, just walk over here and take it.
Fine.
Huh.
What happened to me?
You've been sitting for hours, so your legs fell asleep.
It's called gamer leg.
I've been there. It's humbling.
Maybe I do have a problem.
You know,
I was just like you,
spending all day, every day by myself, caught up in the game.
But you won't believe what you missed today.
Noah started selling coupons to sweaty armadillos
and Parker glued a horse to the balcony.
I'm gonna need to fact check all of that.
But you're right about the game.
It can really suck you in, huh?
Only if you let it.
I miss my online friends.
But ever since I got here,
I haven't really missed technology.
I'm just enjoying camp.
You're wise beyond your years, friend.
Would you... help me outside?
The sun feels warmer than I remember.
Jake, will you do something else for me?
Anything.
Will you empty my gaming bucket?
I will not.
Hey, bud.
Are you reading Poutine Digest?
Yeah.
Poutine Digest has never made me feel left out.
Poutine Digest has always believed in me.
Look, we owe you an apology.
We were more worried about showing off
than we were about being good teachers.
But everybody has to start somewhere.
Yeah, well,
I get how it can be frustrating
teaching someone new.
You guys have always been good at this stuff.
[CHUCKLES] That is not true.
You should have been there when I first learned how to milk poor Bessie.
My parents had to drink their coffee black for a week.
And it took me longer than I care to admit
to tell the difference between manures.
[WHISPERING] It's all in the texture.
See? Bill and I were beginners once, too.
And we promise to be better teachers
and help you learn the ropes
if you're willing to give us another chance.
Fine.
I can't stay mad at... [BEATBOXING] you.
I thought we agreed to let the beatboxing die.
The beat never dies.
[BEATBOXING]
Fine, I'll let it die.
Psst, The Marshal - is looking for you. - He is?
My stars, Megan, would you look at that?
Our protest signs have typos!
I'm just gonna go fix them real quick. Okay. Bye.
About time!
Sassy goes on in five!
Megan's looking for you.
She thinks you ditched the protest.
What? No!
Sassy has to...
uh, tinkle.
Or something less embarrassing than that.
Be right back.
There you are. Can I have the signs?
Oh, I'm an outgoing Gemini with a Virgo rising.
Oh, those signs. Yeah, I'll be right back.
Where is Sassy now?
I'm beginning to think
he had to go [WHISPERS] number two.
I'm sure he'll be back soon.
He better,
because I'm fixing to tell that girlfriend of his the truth.
No, don't do that.
I'll get Sassy on stage right now.
I'll be back for that.
- I found the signs. - Just in time. The show is starting.
It is? How?
How come you seem so much shorter than before?
WINNIE: Acting!
Good enough for me.
Welcome to the Armadilla Sarsaparilla Shoppe.
[CROWD CHEERING AND BOOING]
Too bad for you booers.
I'm numb to criticism.
Now...
I have a real special treat for y'all.
So, please put your hands together
for Sassy, the Sarsaparilla Armadilla.
[CROWD CHEERING AND BOOING]
Who is that?
Yeah, who are you? Show yourself!
I'll never take off this costume
unless I get hungry.
Purr-purr!
Winnie?
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] All right, Sassy,
it's time for the Sarsaparilla shuffle!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
What are you doing?
Covering for you. Go back to your date.
That's really nice. Thank you.
Well, save it. Megan's watching.
I'm supposed to be your worst enemy, remember?
Oh, uh, right.
Take that, Sassy!
Come on, everyone.
CROWD: Boo!
Okay, guys,
I think we made our point.
And who knows, maybe there's a good person in there
who's really nice to their friends.
You know what, you're a great guy,
but you're really bad at moral outrage.
CROWD: Boo!
That's enough!
[MUSIC STOPS]
Thanks. [SIGHS IN RELIEF]
How do armadillos not sweat all the time?
Noah, what's going on?
The truth is,
Winnie isn't the real Sassy.
I'm the one who's been playing Sassy all week.
So, you should all boo me, not her.
Great idea!
Boo!
CROWD: Boo!
Everyone, stop!
Noah may have sold out to the man,
and sided with big sarsaparilla,
but standing up for your friends
is just as important
as standing up for armadillos.
That girl is a pain in my patootie,
but she's got moxie.
Megan, I'm really sorry
I didn't tell you the truth.
The reason I didn't want you to know
I was Sassy is,
well, I kind of have a crush on you.
Well, that's no excuse for lying.
But I kind of have a crush on you, too,
as long as you're really done with The Marshal
and his awful shop.
I promise
Winnie and I will never drink another bottle
of Armadilla Sarsaparilla again.
Winnie?
What? It's hot in this costume.
Also, I have a problem.
And fine, y'all win.
I can't fight the whole town.
From now on, Armadilla Sarsaparilla
will be 100% armadillo sweat-free.
- Yay! - Whoo!
I suppose
salt is a good enough substitute anyway.
Salt was an option?
That should have been your Plan A, man!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]