Attention.
An amateur MMA asshole
asks you to engage in aggressive altercation.
Who the fuck is the toughest guy in here?
That'd be me.
‐Bullshit. ‐Bopped you so bad in the bean
you were beyond ass‐backwards.
No blood, albeit bloody brutal.
‐Clunk. ‐Clocked your carriage,
clipped your canopy, caught your conscious
with a carefully concocted combative cuffing.
‐Dink. ‐Decked you defiantly.
‐Easy. ‐Ended you efficiently.
‐Fuckin'... ‐Fucked your face up
from front to Finland in a fairly unfair fashion
unfortunately for females.
‐Goof. ‐So you got up,
gathered your goods, guts and gonads,
got after the goofy goon, gave glory a good go.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
‐Have at 'er. ‐Hucked a haymaker.
‐Instantly. ‐Irked the idiot.
‐Jackass. ‐Out‐juked the jerk.
Out‐jabbed the joker. Out‐jammed the juice head.
‐K. ‐King Kong threw a karate kick
that kinda caught you in the kisser.
‐Loser. ‐But that legend lady luck
was lingering and you left you
with only a lovely little lump on your lip.
‐Mint. ‐But maybe mention
you may use MMA, Mr. Muay Thai.
‐Nincompoop. ‐Knees are unnecessary.
‐Over it. ‐Okay, onwards.
‐Please. ‐You out‐punched the prick.
Out‐played the peasant.
Pushed proper pugnacity on the pinhead,
left him praying for peace
while Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
‐Quickly. ‐He got queasy,
wanted to quit, folks were quoted as quietly quipping
he looked like a quirky, quackish queen on Quaaludes.
‐Right. ‐Roughed up the rook.
Wrecked his reality. Ruined his rep.
‐Superb. ‐You socked the sucker.
Slammed the sally. Secured the scuffle
by successfully out‐scrapping the skirt.
‐Tremendous. ‐You took over the tiff.
Out‐tangoed the tosser.
Tough titties on that trade, you twit. No truce.
‐Unreal. ‐Utterly.
‐Violent. ‐Very.
‐Wonderful. ‐Well, whatever...
‐Exceptional. ‐Exactly.
‐Yup. ‐Yup.
‐Zebra? ‐Zip it.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Tell us about your date last night, Wayne.
Hard to the fuckin' no.
Pitter‐patter.
Oh, I'd rather have a cup‐a‐fart in the face.
What's cup‐a‐fart?
Oh, that's when you farts into your hand
and then cup it like you're transporting a tiny bird
and release it into the face of an unsuspecting pal.
There could be worse things.
You're up!
Well, for starters, I ran late chorin',
so I didn't have time to get the truck washed
‐before I went over there. ‐So?
Well, so what if Dad's standing there
when I come up the laneway
to pick up his daughter with a dirty truck?
‐He'd say, "Who's this tit?" ‐Fair.
And I barely got the truck in park before she hops in there
so I can't get the door for her.
‐So? ‐Well, so what if
Mom's standing there and I come up the laneway
to pick up her daughter and I don't get the door for her?
She'd say, "Who's this nut tugger?"
‐Fair. ‐I couldn't get my footing
after the rocky start
so nothin' to report thereafter, fuck.
Well, you lived to fight another day.
Well, I am lookin' for love.
Boy, howdy.
Like I've been going on dates
and will be going on other dates.
‐Get after it. ‐Like if there was
a general theme,
like, for the next six weeks,
it would be, "Wayne's looking for love."
(FARTING)
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
Could be worse things.
‐Gentlemen. ‐How're ya now?
‐Perfect. ‐Good 'n you?
Same bat time. Same bat channel.
Eh, shirt‐tuckers?
Now, I'd say give your balls a tug,
but it looks like your pants are doing that for you.
You look like you could lose a hand in there
‐playin' pocket pool. ‐WAYNE: Here's a poem.
Star light, star bright,
why the fuck you got earrings on?
Bet your lobes ain't the only thing
that got a hole punched in 'em.
See the muscle shirt came today.
‐Muscles comin' tomorrow? ‐You get a tracking number?
Oh, I hope he got a tracking number.
That package is gonna be smaller than the one
you're currently sporting.
‐WAYNE: Tall order, Dary. ‐You ever had a cup‐a‐fart?
You can cup‐a‐fuck off.
Hey, Katy.
Hi, Dan.
Gentlemen.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
‐(ENGINE STARTING) ‐STEWART: Seatbelt.
That kid's a polished turd.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Heard about you and your sweetie, buddy.
Heard she cheated on you, buddy.
That's a real kick in the knackers, bro.
Just a real ouchie, bro.
‐(ENGINE STARTING) ‐(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Wait, does Stewart get points for opening Katy's door?
Johnny Cash could have stepped out of that shit box
and I'd still say, "Why is it not clean?"
Well, should we jump into Dary's shit box
and go to the Ags Hall?
(DARYL GROANING)
Now, I know McMurray's meetings
can be a bits of a chore.
Even worse when Mrs. McMurray's there.
But the Ags Hall is as much ours as anyone else's,
and we should be there
for the important decisions‐making.
Squirrelly Dan, you'll be snoring within the first five
and I'd bet as many bucks on it.
Well, I had my coffee today so I will takes that bet.
You don't need to shake, I trust ya.
It's 'cause I cup‐a‐fart, isn't it?
(SNORING)
McMURRAY: That was a very productive
first hour and 45 minutes, I must say.
On to item number 29 of 39.
Yep!
It's still item number 28, baby.
Item 28 is a two‐part item.
Huh! Thank you, darlin'.
MRS. McMURRAY: You're welcome, baby.
McMURRAY: All right, on to item 28, part B.
I, McMurray, motion that the front weather mat be changed,
from a Remington charcoal, four‐foot by eight‐foot
by three‐millimeter thick rubber doormat,
to a raisin charcoal
three‐foot by six‐foot by three‐millimeter thick
ribbed vinyl boot tray.
It came in a gainsboro grey also,
‐which is a pale tone of grey. ‐That's correct.
‐It also came in puce. ‐Puce is a warm grey, tonally.
Grey tones don't clean up as well as dark tones.
Hence, the raisin charcoal.
Better look goddamn clean
after you're done cleanin' the cocksucker,
that's what I always say.
‐(SCOFFS) ‐McMURRAY: Mmm‐hmm.
Would a member second my motion?
‐I second, baby. ‐(GAVEL BANGS)
‐I second so hard. ‐Thank you, baby,
I knew you'd second the shit right out of it.
‐Dan! ‐(SNORING)
‐Daniel. ‐Mm, he's a real deep sleeper.
Oh, super deep.
Like he fell asleep at the IMAX during Transformers 2.
Fell asleep riding the back of a garbage truck one time.
‐Intolerable. ‐Daniel!
Do you know dogs sleep for 80% of their lives?
You wanna know what? He might be faking it.
DARYL: He's faking it. WAYNE: Oh, he's faking it.
DARYL: I can see he's faking it.
Are you faking it, Dan?
Look, I can see one of his eyes are open.
‐WAYNE: Yeah, he's faking it. ‐Daniel!
Don't touch it, it hurts.
You better cut out all that goddamn snoring
before I stuff a cocksuckin' work sock
down your skull cave.
Keep going, baby. Everybody's listening.
‐Everybody loves you. ‐Thank you, darlin'.
You better listen to her, Daniel.
Now, I'm sure you no doubt have all noticed
that we are down to one dozen coat hangers
in the front hall.
There are approximately twelve dozen in the rear hall.
All standard steel wire, baby?
All standard steel wire
in a flattened triangular shape.
I, McMurray, motion that one dozen
be transported to the front hall.
‐K. ‐Wayne.
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne. Wayne. Wayne.
Wayne. Look at me, Wayne. Wayne.
There is a tried, tested and true system at work here.
And, as President of the Agricultural Hall,
I must demand it be respected.
One member makes a motion.
Then another member then seconds that motion.
Second, K.
K is not a second.
Well, it's the second time I said "K".
So you second my motion?
You want to know what? I'm all out of seconds, bud.
‐So it's not a second? ‐Well, this is taking
too many seconds is what I'm saying.
Well, you only have to second once.
All right, give me a second.
So are you saying
that you second or that you need a second?
‐Well, one second. ‐All right.
Wayne, you shall be given one second.
Whilst Wayne is taking one second...
I second the fuckin' motion, McMurray!
Now move the fuckin' coat hangers!
Well, thank you, Wayne.
Let the secretary note that I, McMurray,
motioned to move one dozen coat hangers...
I'll move the fuckin' coat hangers myself.
Can't sit around here all fucking day
with my horn in my hands.
Got chorin' to do, for fuck's sake.
(HANGERS CLATTERING)
Would the secretary note that aforementioned coat hangers
have such been moved.
Thanks to a very over‐zealous beaver.
There's order, people, and it must be followed.
Concluded!
Item 30 of 39.
Wayne.
Jim Dickins. How're ya now?
‐Good'n you? ‐Not so bad.
Wayne, 100% bullshit 'round here.
(AUCTIONEERING) Got a bidder now, one.
Lookin' at two. Two, and now at lookin' at three.
Three hundred now, can I get a four?
Four there now, sold.
400% bullshit 'round here.
Well, it's never so bad it couldn't be worse.
Worse than 400%
sounds an awful lot to me like five...
(AUCTIONEERING) 500%, now lookin' at six.
600%, lookin' at seven.
700%, can I get an eight?
Sold.
800% bullshit 'round here.
Well, meetings run a C‐hair long
but it's important business so...
If someone doesn't do something
about this bullshit soon...
(AUCTIONEERING) We'll be at nine.
900%, now lookin' at 10.
Ten over there, now lookin' at 11.
‐Can I get a 12... ‐All right.
All right, cool it.
What would you have him do, there, Jim?
If Wayne runs for Ag Hall president, I'll give him...
(AUCTIONEERING) One vote right here, looking at one,
we got one vote here, and lookin' to get two...
Well, see, now that sounds a bit dramatic to me, Jim.
‐No. I don't think that's such a bad idea.
Did that not sound a bit dramatic to you?
I'd back that.
Well, it's bloody Shakespearean.
It'd be usurpin' the throne.
I'd back that like a spinal cord.
It just sounds dramatic to me.
(AUCTIONEERING)
‐Jim! ‐Tell you what, Jim...
I'll think on it.
Have a good one.
Have a good one, Jim.
One little birdie bird flying in the sky.
We got two little birds and we're lookin' at three.
Three little birdies, now we're lookin' at four.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time I auctioneer?
REILLY: Just a series of bad bounces
for a couple of stick and pucksters, bud.
Not getting the bounces, bro.
Cut from the Letterkenny Shamrocks
in our overage year, bud.
No victory lap for the Shammy's, bro.
No victory lap, ferda.
Ferda.
And no Katy.
‐Katy‐Kat stepped out. ‐Two‐timed.
‐Played around. ‐Caught a matinee.
Carried on.
(SIGHS)
You know, I should be mad, but I'm just sort of...
BOTH: Sad.
MAN: Give your balls a tug, you tit fucker!
Not gonna miss playing with Shoresy, though, bud.
Always a silver lining, buddy.
You know, bud, he's right.
Game faces on, it's our first day
of senior hockey, bud.
Well, first impression's a lasting one, bro.
Are you ready for this, bud?
Fore‐check, back‐check, pay check, bro.
Ding!
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What the fuck are you doing?
BARTS: What does it look like? YORKIE: Doing legs.
BARTS: Leg day!
Where's Stormy been? I haven't seen her all day.
‐In her pen. ‐Why?
‐She's being punished. ‐Why?
She tried to kill her stud again.
(CHUCKLES) That's my girl.
Why?
Well, fucked if I know, Dan.
It's supposed to be natural for animals to want to breed.
And fucked if those pups
wouldn't be as beautiful as she is.
She was a beautiful pup.
She's a beautiful dog.
She was a gorgeous pup.
Well, she's a gorgeous dog.
But why is she in her pen?
It's 'cause aggression's to be discouraged.
It's like Cesar Millan says,
exercise, discipline and affection,
in that order.
I'd have a Bloody Caesar.
Do you wanna know what? I'd have a Caesar, too.
I could have a Caesar if you guys are havin' Caesars.
Hard to see a Caesar and not want a Caesar.
That's actually how they market Caesars.
You should call up Gail over at her Bed and Biscuits.
I bet ya she's got some studs for Stormy.
Well, better to let the dust settle
on Modean's burn‐down before I bug her.
We need a new bar in this town.
But why's Stormy trying to kill all her studs?
'Cause they're sayin' the wrong things, likely,
just like humans.
First line better be a winner.
First impression's a lasting one.
Like what?
Well, to be honest,
I've taken to breaking the ice
with the lyrics from '90s pop songs.
The words are penetrating
because she's likely heard 'em before,
but she likely won't realize it when they're spoken
rather than sung with musical accompaniment.
Five bucks says you cannot successfully sell me on this.
Hey, girl, give me your heart.
Make it real or else forget about it.
That's Rob Thomas and Carlos Santanas.
K.
Hey, girl. I wanna stand with you on a mountain
and I wanna bathe with you in the sea.
Savage Gardens.
Uh‐oh.
Hey, girl, I swear by the moon,
the stars in the sky, I'll be there.
All‐4‐Ones.
Well, fuck a duck.
Hey, girl, I'll make love to you
like you want me to, then I'll hold you tight,
baby all through the night.
Are you talking to me, you fuckin' greaser?
You don't talk to me like that, you fuckin' pud.
‐Argh! ‐I'll beat the shit outta you.
Ah! Don't!
You're real good at beatin' up Dary
and that's what I appreciates about you, Katy.
Oh, is that what you appreciate about me?
I'll stake 20 to 25% off her over there, Squirrely Dan.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Roald, uh, I bet you have a name for your bong.
‐ROALD: Samwise Ganja. ‐Cool.
ROALD: Formerly known as Paul Tokenfold.
‐Awesome. ‐Formerly known as Air Bud.
Hey, maybe your next one can be called
Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver.
All right, guys, we're outty. Peace.
‐(SARCASTICALLY) Peace. ‐(ROALD SNORTS)
Bye, guys.
DEVON: Bye, Stewart, not Katy.
‐(ROALD SNORTS) ‐Pardon?
‐DEVON: Huh? ‐(ROALD SNORTS)
I'll be in the car.
Cool, baby.
Devon, you may elaborate on your entanglement.
And, Roald, your exasperation.
‐(SARCASTICALLY) Cool, babe. ‐(ROALD SNORTS)
Speak!
My entanglement is that when that came along,
that started happening.
Seriously, Stewart what are you even wearing?
It's so gay.
‐But you're gay. ‐So what?
‐He's a homophobe now, too. ‐(SCOFFS)
‐No! ‐Yes!
I was born this way, Stewart!
We don't even know where you are half the time.
We're going to the Weeknd show.
It's Tuesday.
No, The Weeknd is here.
In three days, yeah.
No, I mean The Weeknd is here today.
‐No, it isn't. ‐Yes, he is.
Who is "he"?
The Weeknd.
Wow! Slightly sexist statement
to say Saturday and Sunday are the masculine ones.
He's a misogynist now, too!
‐No. ‐Yes!
I mean we are going to see The Weeknd perform.
She's got you totally brainwashed, man.
You don't even know what day it is.
I was born this way, Stewart.
(CHUCKLES)
(SNIGGERING)
‐Ahh! ‐No, no, no!
‐(YELLS) ‐(GROANS)
(GROANS)
Did you just stab me with an EpiPen?
(GROANS)
(SHUDDERS)
‐Pain is good. ‐(WAILING)
‐Taste three mills. ‐(SCREAMS)
Oh!
Oh! What?
If any bees come in here we are so fucked!
Don't open those peanut M&Ms, Connor!
(SCREAMS)
(ALL WAILING)
STEWART: Epinephrine OD.
Well, uh, Jimmy Dickskin...
Dickins.
Dickskin, that's what I said.
You motioned for an emergency meeting
and that's why we're all here.
Goddamn Dickskin's cuttin'
into my gin and tonic time, that's all I know.
Dickins!
‐That's what I said, Dickskin. ‐(CHUCKLES)
(MUTTERING) All right, well, Dickskin,
you can have the floor.
MRS. McMURRAY: Dickskin.
After, of course, we explore the several
Agricultural Hall related issues
that I have detected within the last 24 hours.
Pick one!
Well, as I've mentioned, there are several
so we will begin with one of them.
Well, don't bore us, get to the chorus.
Wayne, you're uh, acting fairly curt.
I'll be fuckin' Courtney
if it gets us through this before Christmas.
I motion Wayne assume
the title of President of the Ag Hall
effective immediately. (AUCTIONEERING)
All those in favor, gonna need one vote.
Do we have one vote? Are we lookin' at one?
One over here, now we're gonna need two.
Two down, we got two. Lookin' at three
for Wayne for president and we'll get it over there.
Now gonna get four, gonna get four over here.
Now we're gonna have four over here for Wayne for President.
Can we get five? What've we got, five?
Five over here now! We're getting into six.
Six over here, feels good over here,
now we're lookin' at seven.
Seven over here now, can I get an eight? Eight now,
‐can we get any more here? ‐(MOUTHS) You shit.
No nine, that's all right, for my friend Wayne.
Celebrate good times. Baby get along.
Sold!
This is a fuckin' outrage.
You're out of order! This... It wasn't...
It wasn't motioned.
That's not the right way.
There wasn't a motion.
Well, you're about to find out how hard this job really is.
You're in the hot seat now, big boy.
It is fuckin' pipin' hot.
Like 1500 goddamn watts.
Well, you're gonna run 'er.
(MOUTHS) I love you.
(MOUTHS) I love you, so much.
Anything pressing?
Back to chorin'. (BANGS GAVEL)
REILLY: Gotta break the ice here, boys.
JONESY: We gotta get the ball rolling, bro.
First impression's gotta be a good one.
First impression's a lasting one, buddy.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Great minds think alike, buddy.
You boys wanna go wheel some snipes after praccy?
Wheel snipe celly, boys.
Dirty fuckin' dangles, boys.
I'm married, you little bitch.
Yorkie?
Happily married. Scholtzy?
I love my wife, pussy. Fisky?
I'd fallen in with the wrong crowd, went down a dark path.
My wife saved me. Boomtown?
I love my wife like I love doing legs.
‐Okay. ‐All right. Um...
You guys wanna grab some sandos after praccy?
Crush some appies?
I'm gluten‐free, you little bitch.
Yorkie?
Fuck gluten. Scholtzy?
Gluten gives me gravy pants, pussy.
Fisky?
Gluten‐free, dairy‐free,
gaseous intestinal by‐product‐free.
Boomtown?
I love gluten‐free living like I love my wife.
‐Okay. ‐Uh, yeah.
What... What do you guys like to do?
Winning, you little bitch.
Yorkie?
Love winning. Scholtzy?
Winning red ribbons, pussy.
Fisky?
Winning hardware, winning gold. Boomtown?
I love winning like I love gluten‐free livin'.
Okay, we really need to pull out the big guns
on this one here, buddy.
Dig deep. Bear down, buddy, okay?
(BOTH SNIFFING)
Have you boys ever heard of dinker‐ball?
How about a round of dinker‐ball, boys?
Dinker‐ball?
Okay, I got this.
Okay... You see, you grab your dink or your ball.
You scrunch it up in your hand and then someone has to guess
whether it's a dink or a ball.
Dink or ball?
You fuckin' serious right now?
We don't want to see your junk, schmelt.
BARTS: Put your junk away, schmelt.
‐Uh, schmelt? ‐What's schmelt?
So the schmelts want to play games, Yorkie.
YORKIE: Yeah, I think we got a game
for the schmelts, Barts.
You like games, right?
‐Sure. ‐(DOOR CLOSES)
You're out.
‐Out of what? ‐This.
‐What's this? ‐This...
Is not your crew anymore.
This is not your life anymore.
This is not the weekend.
‐It's Tuesday. ‐(POPS)
‐But this is... ‐Not your basement anymore.
This is my basement now.
And you are not welcome.
Are those loaded?
Only one way to find out.
The great playwright Anton Chekhov
invented the principle of Chekhov's Gun.
What is the principle of Chekhov's Gun?
Ha!
If in the first act you say a gun is in the room,
then in the second act, it must absolutely go off.
In other words, if you're gonna bring heat,
you better use it.
I'm preheated to 375, ready to go to 425, big boy.
Blast off, Major Dongfucker.
(GROWLING)
(SNARLING AND YELPING)
(SNARLS)
(RETCHES)
(VOMITS)
(GASPING)
You schmelts ever played Duck, Duck, Goose?
Yeah, with the four‐ to six‐year‐old group
we had at hockey summer camp.
What are we, four‐ to six‐year‐olds, boys?
I guess you're four‐ to six‐year‐olds.
(LAUGHS)
You schmelts ready?
Close your eyes.
BOTH: Duck.
BOTH: Goose!
(FARTING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Schmelts are gongshows, boys.
Schmelts are gongers.
This is better than doing legs,
you little bitch. Yorkie?
Let's do legs right now. Scholtzy?
I love doing legs, pussy. Fisky?
Stairs. Works calves, quads, glutes. Boomtown?
I love doing stairs like I love winning.
Let's do this, boys!
(ALL CHEERING)
(RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)
How many games in this season, buddy?
42, buddy.
(SNIFFS)
Do you have any baby wipes?
I don't, buddy.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
There's been...
An uprising.
K.
‐I'm homeless. ‐K.
‐Wayne. ‐Hard no.
If a man asks you for help, you help him.
You're gonna work the ground game, then, huh, Katy?
If you asked me for help...
I would help you.
Oh, look, they're comin' land, sea and air now.
‐You can stay here. ‐Wondrous!
‐For a couple of days. ‐Favorable.
That's 48 hours, max.
Satisfactory.
(SIGHS) We'll put your shit in the spare bedroom.
Come on.
(CAR APPROACHING)
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
WAYNE: Hold it!
End of the laneway. Don't come on the property.
‐Rematch. ‐K.
Knocked you out. Can't believe you got back up.
You come here to throw fists
or flap lips there, big shooter?
You suckered him.
Still knocked him the fuck out.
Then he got back up and knocked you out.
‐So rubber match then. ‐We already established that.
Unless you wanna do some more talking.
Good amount of chin‐wagging goin' on over there.
All right, I suckered you.
So we shake hands, clear the air,
then we square off.
Good enough.
(UPTEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXHALES)
You're fuckin' 10 ply, bud.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)