You heard a couple nut sacks talkin' about hockey the other day...
This kid. Kid is a fuckin' stud.
Kid's a fuckin' beauty. Fuckin' look at this kid.
Fuckin' love this kid.
Kid lights lamp. Hashtag lamp life.
Eat, sleep, lamp.
Don't give him too much space, buddy. He'll dangle.
He'll dangle all the fuckin' way to outer space.
Suck some Martian titties up there, boys.
Just getting super sloppy all over our space dinks.
Silky mittens, top tittens. Ferda boys.
Ferda!
Big roadie to the big city this weekend, Schmelt.
Do you know what that means?
Um...
Suckin' city titty, idiot.
Suckin' all that big city titty, idiot.
All up that big city slam piece.
Big city slams, idiot.
Big city billet moms. Big city billet sisters.
Let's get our dinks sucked on, boys.
Yes.
Hey, how's school going, Schmelt?
It's going... Just kidding. We don't give a fuck.
Get our pops, Schmelt.
Big city slams, Schmelt.
(IMITATING AIR HORN)
How are ya now? Not so bad.
Good and you?
Not too bad.
Have you shit yourself? You look like you've got an awkward boner.
Don't. Don't what?
Dan?
Did you know that Daryl used to get boners every morning
in grade nine during O Canada?
No shit.
Yep. Just
could not get through O Canada without getting a boner.
Give a young man 30 idle seconds and he's gonna get a boner.
We talked about this.
Is there something you want to talk about now?
Well, pitter patter, let's get at 'er.
Well, I was wondering if this year we could skip the birthday party?
Skip your super soft birthday party? Are you fuckin' high?
Hard no.
DAN: Daryl's super soft birthday party?
Every year, Daryl's mom used to throw him these birthday parties when he was a kid.
Softest birthday party on planet Earth.
Boy band karaoke, cupcake decoration station,
charcuterie.
One year, his mom had him a "Make the world a better place" party.
One year they dressed a horse up like a unicorn
and he was never really the same after that.
It's not funny.
I used to take a lot of teasing in school for those.
Aw, should I get you a tissue, Sally?
No, he'll have one in his purse.
Or maybe his clutch.
Party's happening, Daryl. You don't fuck with tradition.
DAN: So. The agenda.
After your dust up over the weekend, safe to assume you're fighting again?
Co‐rect. Ten‐four, good buddy.
Well, it's gonna be a busy week 'cause there's a few guys walking around town
claiming to be the toughest guys in Letterkenny.
I'm the toughest guy in Letterkenny.
You were the toughest guy in Letterkenny. It's been some time.
Now, it's safe to assume that that title is as important to you now as it was then?
Does a duck with a boner drag weeds?
Ten‐four, good buddy!
Then it's safe to assume that the challengers will be coming up around the farm,
as that is how you've conducted business in the past.
Well, I was never one for an audience.
All right, let's talk about the challengers.
First up, we've got Sled Ted.
Why's he called Sled Ted?
Well, he likes fixin' sleds, and ridin' sleds,
and talkin' about sleds.
He just really likes sleddin', boys.
Uh, he beat up a guy named Basic Jay.
Why's he called Basic Jay?
'Cause he's a fuckin' basic.
DAN: And now he thinks he's the toughest guy in Letterkenny.
After that, we got Rat Ass.
Why's he called Rat Ass?
'Cause he's got a hairy ass like a rat.
Can confirm.
He beat up a guy named Brains.
See, his name's Brian but he spelt it Brain
in the computer at bowling one time. It just kinda stuck.
DAN: Now he thinks he's the toughest guy in Letterkenny.
And after that, we got Joint Boy.
Because he smokes lots of joints, Dairy.
Well, just plucking the low hanging fruit is what that is.
I've seen that guy take on four bouncers at the rippers one time.
He is otherworldly.
Got a dome on him like an Easter Island statue.
Is he single?
Not that it matters, I guess.
Look, keep it at the end of the lane way. No degens on the property.
That's a Texas size 10‐4. Over and out.
Well, this is annoying.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
The fuck are they doin' out there? They're scared of you.
(SIGHS)
This snipe is a fuckin' sniper.
Snipe's a fuckin' beauty. Fuckin' look at this snipe.
Fuckin' love this snipe. We're snipe selling, boys.
Dirty fucking dangles, boys.
You're a sniper. You're a snipe.
You're a skirt, you pansy.
If you make me walk up the lane way again, we're having babies.
Put it out! Put it out! Put it out! Fuck!
Those boys need to give their balls a tug.
Maybe, check, make sure they're still attached right quick.
I'd rather put a mirror down there and see what's what.
One time, my cousin...
He tore open his ball sack trying to do a skateboard trick
and he had to show it to his mum.
Was it his scrotal sack?
Well, you know. That dangly piece of flesh, what hangs down behind the penis.
Scrotal sack. The nut sack.
So, he tore his ball sack open trying to do a skateboard trick
and he's gots to show it to his mum because apparently one of his testicles was showing.
Was it the right one or the left one?
Why is that of importance?
Well, because the left one has more sperm in it.
Spermatozoa is what it's called.
Tell you what, if I ripped open my ball sack trying to do a skateboard trick,
I'd be more worried about seeing my vas deferens.
Well, you'd have to tear your ball sack pretty near wide open doing a skateboard trick
if you wanted to see your own vas deferens.
I'm not sure I wanna see my own vas deferens
I think if I saw my own vas deferens,
I'd be quite worried.
I'd be most worried if I tore my ball sack open trying to do a skateboard trick
if I could see my accessory glands.
Well, you don't want to go too kooky with accessories on your truck.
Or your jeep. It's okay with like, a quad, though,
like my buddy Big T's got a snorkel kit on his and that's pretty punk rock.
What's an accessory gland?
Well, if your vas deferens is your sperm ducts,
the accessory glands is what supplies lubricant to the sperm duct.
I think if I ripped open my ball sack trying to do a skateboard trick,
I'd be most worried about seeing my seminal vesicles.
Oh, like the Florida State seminal vesicles?
Like the sack that hangs behind your vas deferens
and contains fructose
which is energy for the sperm.
Yeah, it's like when you go in the city there and they got them charge stations
for the people that drive the electric cars.
That's pretty much your seminal vesticles.
I thought it was pretty funny when I said
Florida State seminal vesicles and nobody laughed.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Okay.
End of the lane way. Don't come up the property.
Good.
Sled Ted's here.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Geez, Basic Jay must have been a shit fighter to lose to that ass‐hat.
I've known Basic Jay to be a pretty tough dude.
He's not really a fuckin' basic.
Guess he could have had a cold.
Or the flu.
Sled Ted had Bigfoot hands.
Yeah, he's a big grimy brute.
Shit fighter, though.
Do you guys remember the fragrance Brut?
Or Actif Brut?
Yeah. Yeah, they still make that.
I always enjoyed that fragrance.
You can use it to dry up zits too.
Did you know you can use shaving cream to get permanent marker off your hands?
Why wouldn't you just dip your hands in the parts cleaner?
Well, most people don't have a parts cleaner.
Well, most likely Rat Ass will be your next dude.
I hear that he is a greaser.
Can confirm.
So fuckin' greasy I almost don't want to.
I saw him with his shirt off, swimming at the gravel pit not that long ago.
His back acne was extraordinary.
Well, like, extraordinary how?
Well, like, I thought about it for a while after is all.
Well, elaborate, 'cause I'm likely gonna have to touch it.
Well, like how it was cultivated.
WAYNE: Well, by not showering likely.
Likely.
Did you know that men can wear the fragrance CK ONE as well as women?
Yeah. DAN: Yeah.
That's 'cause it's an unisex fragrance.
It says that right on the bottle.
But would ya? Oh, negative.
Me neither.
Would you wear Gap Dream?
DAN: No!
No, no, Dairy, that's for girls.
Dairy, that's for girls.
You can't walk around smelling like pretty girls.
You're not wearing it right now, are you?
Cologne is too expensive. I just use sunscreen. Banana Boat.
Let's get into some of those fuckin' all dressed chips.
WAYNE: Jesus, Katy, put some fuckin' clothes on.
Not my forte. Unfortunate.
Hey, neighbor said he's not gonna give us a horse this year.
What?
Well, he said that last year we returned him and his breath smelled like alcohol.
Well, it was probably mine. You could have lit my breath on fire the next day.
Horse was half cut though.
He said that he's gonna give us a donkey. Nope.
Might be funny.
Gotta be a horse. You don't fuck with tradition.
You're really gonna pump the brakes on a donkey dressed up like a unicorn?
Oh, I'm stompin' the brakes.
You put that idea right through the fuckin' windshield.
But it's a donkey dressed up like a unicorn. Katy!
Well, it's better than a kick in the pants.
Do you want this to be the softest birthday party ever or not?
I want this just as much as you do.
Well, then find us a horse.
Please and thank you. And don't stay out in the sun too long.
Your skin will look like an old saddle bag.
Yeah.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Okay.
End of the lane way. Don't come up the property.
Good.
Rat Ass is here.
Keep it standing.
This goes to the ground, we stand up.
Okay.
This goes to a clinch,
we separate.
Great. Let's go!
All right. So, hit me.
Fight him or shut the fuck up.
I'll give you a free one.
What the fuck is this?
Let's fuckin' do this.
Just fuckin' square off.
WAYNE: Hey! He's pulling hair, he's pulling hair.
Break 'em up, break 'em up.
Come on, come on!
DAN: I'm gonna clock this shitty wolverine.
(YELLING)
Hit me. Come on. I love pain.
Look at the execution, boys. Look at the hustle, boys.
Ding.
You guys made the liquor run, right?
I was Donny Drives the car. I was Nicki Navigates.
But, uh...
We couldn't find a lot of the stuff on the list.
Yeah. Like what?
Uh, well...
Uh, there's ingredients
that I don't think you can get in Letterkenny. Yeah.
So, go to the city.
Yeah, but we got practice in a couple of hours.
We're gonna crush a couple sandos before, too.
Grab some nappies, maybe?
We haven't had our pre‐game naps either.
Nappies are nappies. Ferda. Ferda.
Well, we need everything on the list.
So, what drinks do you need ingredients for?
Uh,
Corebelo Love Potion.
Uh, Purple Passion Punch.
Lemon Gingerini.
Apricot Toblerone Cocktail.
Couldn't find a Flirtini.
Couldn't find Sparkling Mango Sorbet Float.
Don't... Don't know really what that is.
Well, that's all of them.
Ye... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Look, I have about a million things to do if this is
gonna be the softest birthday party ever.
If you guys don't get me everything on the list,
you'll be pulling each other's horns from now on.
(PHONE BEEPS)
Pitter patter!
(BOTH GROANING)
So far!
Fuck, was he a beaker.
Like, he would not stop beaking.
That shit is the worst.
That was right to stick to the task at hand, pal.
Keep your trap shut. Throw bombs.
I wouldn't say shit if my mouth was full of it.
I haven't seen that many hits since Good Charlotte played Warped Tour.
Yeah, more like...
Not very Good Charlotte.
I always liked NOFX.
YESFX.
Big fuckin' day, Dairy. Big fuckin' day!
Ow.
Happy birthday, it's your special day Dairy. DAN: Birthday beats! Birthday beats!
Ow. Oh, that's not polite, Katy.
You really are a Sally.
That's the most action I've seen since I gave the dairy cows' teats a good scrubbin'.
I don't need to know that.
You're pretty good at wrestling there, Katy,
and that's what I appreciates about you.
Is that what you appreciate about me?
Let's go easy over there, squirrelly Dan.
Yeah. Oh, hey, look at you, ground.
So, tell me about this guy, Joint Boy.
Well, I'm not gonna sugar coats it for you, Wayne.
This guy looks like an Australian rugbies player, chiseled out of stones.
Uh‐oh. Got legs on him like tree trunks.
Is that a deciduous tree or a coniferous tree?
What? Well, there's a difference.
If we're talking about, like, a maple tree,
which is thick and deciduous
or a Christmas tree, which is thin and coniferous.
Yeah, but both is hards and mades of woods, right?
There's a difference is all I'm saying.
What type of tree is a coconut tree?
It's a palm tree.
How do you know?
Well, like the Internet. Oh.
Anyways, backs to Joint Boy.
How come I've never heard of him before?
Oh, he just gots out of jail.
He was arrested for assaults after he beats the shits
out of a guy for pushin' up on his sister.
Got this big entourage of guys,
bald‐headed, bearded dudes what looks like a whole bunch of surly uncles.
You think we should call The Ginger?
Mmm.
No.
DARYL: Why not? He's tougher than hell.
WAYNE: Yeah, but...
Well, like you heard he fucked an ostrich, right?
He what?
He fucked an ostrich.
Allegedly.
How does a fella get caught up in that sort of business?
Well, I guess his cousin
had an ostrich farm
when he thought it might be fun to fuck one.
Allegedly.
So, he got hard
somehow
and he fucked an ostrich.
That's fucked.
That's a felony.
So, we use him in emergencies only, then.
I should say.
Dairy. Hey, Dairy.
This one's for you.
Oh.
DARYL: Hey, Joint Boy's here.
Which one of youse is Wayne?
We got some business.
You're interrupting a party for my best pal
that my little sister worked pretty hard to put on.
Hold it.
May I sort this out now, please?
Goddamn right you may.
WAYNE: Thank you.
Don't lose.
You had yourself a scrap the other weekend at Modean's.
What's it to ya?
You left the dude pretty banged up.
I heard he kicked a slow learning fella in the bum while he was havin' a piss.
Now, that slow learning fella is my second cousin.
Okay.
Being the toughest guy in Letterkenny is important to me.
I'm sure it is to you too
but we're all hicks here.
And you've done me a favor, so I'd be willing to shake your hand and call it a day.
I didn't do you no favors.
'Cause I don't know who the fuck you are.
We done talking?
You wanna come to a super soft birthday party?
Happy birthday, Dairy.
It's really more for them, ain't it?
What is?
DAN: All this.
No, it's not. It's cream cheese. No.
That's cream cheese.
No. Yeah, that's cream cheese.
Just go...
Jesus!
You remember they weren't allowed to have birthday parties growing up.
They had to go bucky at mine.
DAN: All they do is go alls out, don'ts they?
DARYL: That's a Texas size 10‐4.
You know, if Joint Boy and his pals hadn't showed up,
I figure this would have been the softest birthday ever.
That's a small victory for you, I suppose.
I was worried.
Thought I might have to get Stewart and the Skids to come over here and start
hoovering up that white powder of theirs.
DARYL: Anything for a little bit of an edge, am I right?
DAN: The white stuff.
The snooter.
The devil's dandruff.
The dander.
I... I hoovered up a bit of the schneef in my day.
You ever hoovered barnyard schneef?
I've hoovered behind the manure pile schneef.
You ever hoovered schneef off a sleeping cow's spine?
I've hoovered schneef off of an awake cow's teat.
What are the odds that I ride him home bareback?
Gonna hurt your balls, bro.
Good going.
Oh, yeah.
You ever hoovered library schneef?
I've hoovered schneef off of the cover of
Gordon Korman's This Can't Be Happening at Macdonald Hall.
You wanna come home with me?
You can sleep in my bed.
He'd break it. He'd break your bed.
His dick alone would break your bed.
I saw that too. I... Yeah.
It was really big.
(PHONE BEEPING)
You ever hoovered Sunday school schneef?
I've hoovered schneef off the collection plate in the rectory.
Do you know what dick dingers are?
Yep.
You know that movie
with the guy who whispers to horses.
Brokeback Mountain?
No. No.
DARYL: That's the toughest guy in Letterkenny.
(BLOWING PARTY WHISTLE)