Your sister heard an old favorite
on the radio the other day...
You know what I heard on the radio today
who I haven't heard from in a really long time
but low‐key love?
Radio?
Oh, so you were here when I said that then.
Which radio? The one in the fuckin' truck.
Are you being goofy right now?
So, terrestrials radios!
All right. Yeah. So you're being goofy right now.
No, it's just I don't knows
too many peoples who still listens to terrestrials radios.
You've ceased mingling with the peasants then, hey, Dan?
Internet radios, satellite radios and podcasters
is far more populars these days.
What do youse listen to?
My Favorite Murder podcast.
Taggart and Torrens podcast.
WAYNE: Stern. Ah, Stern's fuckin' sexy.
Most peoples just don't listen to terrestrials radio.
Internet radios and satellite radios have become far superior.
So, if Howard Stern's type of radio
is better than terrestrial radio,
would Howard Stern's type be... Extra‐terrestrial?
(ALL LAUGHING)
ALL: Extra‐terrestrial...
(ALL LAUGHING)
ALL: Fuck you, Dary.
Guess who I heard on terrestrial radio
who I haven't heard from in a really long time
but low‐key love?
Who was it? DMX.
Fuckin' A. You like him, too?
Sure I do. Why?
Well, because he's an animal lover.
How do youse knows he's an animal lover?
Well, on account of him always barkin' like a dog in his songs.
See, that's why I low‐key love him.
He just, he sounds so tough when he goes
"arf, arf" at the end of a rap.
How's that go, Katy? Arf, arf.
I see. So, arf, arf...
What the fuck was that? What's the problem?
If DMX was here right now, he'd hoof you right in the nuts.
I think DMX would assume Dary'd already been hoofed in the nuts.
Yeah. I mean, you might as well make a cat sound
at the end of a tough guy line.
Well, how'd that go, Katy? Meow!
No, but put some threatening rap music lyrics
in front of it like DMX would.
Okay. I'm click‐clackin' and rack stackin',
bitches know I'm packin', I'm the trillist. Meow!
See? I see. It's not the same thing.
Nope. No animal sound
would have the same effect as a dog barking
if you're tryin' to sound tough with rap music lyrics. Not one.
Maybe it coulds. Okay, Dan.
Dan, okay. Okay, Dan. Let's put it to the test.
Ahem. Uh...
It's the jump‐off. Rockin' in my Tims.
I'm the greatest. Get shook. Baa!
Nope. This is America.
Put the Benjamin's in the bag, bitch.
Hoes in the trap, laid back in the 'Lac,
I'm a don. Quack, quack, quack.
Strike two. Number one country hustlers,
I'll spray your crew and shoot up your funeral.
It's beef and that's hunnid.
(CROWING)
Strike three. Youse outs.
Ha, ha. Woo! J Hova.
Original north side gang bangers. Bounce. Real Quick. Moo!
Okay. Yes, I understands.
I'm a P‐I‐M‐P.
Banana clips in the Benz.
I'll skeet on your main chick, you little bitch. Baa!
Okay, you've made your points.
Squee‐squee. Ice on my wrist.
I'm strappin' and clappin' the glock.
I'm about to shoot up your block.
Keep it gangster. (CAWING)
Okay, that might be enough shouting.
(IMITATES ALARM) Machiavelli. Mom's spaghetti,
it's straight yayo all day, yo. I'm the realist. Hee‐haw!
I said you made our point!
Gucci bag. Poppin' Dom.
Racks on racks on racks, bitch.
Make money. Imma shoot on your casket.
(COOS)
This is getting obnoxious.
Versace, Versace, Versace. Cash money,
Uzi's in the back of the Bentley For real though.
Ribbit...
So you see, Dan? No animal sound is as tough as a dog sound.
I'm the king of the jungle, bitch!
Bow down! (ROARS)
I'm pretty sure that was a lion he was attempting there. So...
So you stand corrected.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay...
Is... Is that okay?
I... Just asking...
Are you okay? Yep... Just... Just checking... Bye.
Don't do that, bud. What?
Ask your gal privately, but publicly, "Are you okay?"
Well, I was just making sure.
Yeah, you don't wanna get too needy
with a gal like that, Dary.
A gal like what? A gal who is, respectfully,
super, super, super fuckin' hot.
She's Victoria Secrets hot, there, good buddys.
She's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition hot, Dary.
Well, yeah. All the more reason to make sure she's okay.
Well, don't say we didn't warn ya.
(IMITATES SWITCH) How's the day?
Longest day of the year.
Summer solsticks...
And you know what that means...
ALL: Century Club!
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
A hundred shots of beer in a hundred minutes
will buckle ya if you don't have a strategy.
Let me just call the girlfriend and, uh,
make sure it's okay with le ol' boule et chaine.
Put your phone down, Dary.
And fuckin' stomp on it...
You try dating a French girl.
Yeah, give it a shot, bud. WAYNE: 'Kay.
KATY: Today on the summer solstice
we honor the time good ol' Uncle Eddie
got the worst sunburn this side of Sasky,
thus having to spend the longest day of the year inside,
drinkin' the bar down.
Well, I'm not carrying Dan home from the bar this time.
That was youse? Well... Who's in?
The skids are sober, so they're out.
And I don't know, I haven't heard from Reilly and Jonesy.
McMurrays? Yeah, they'll be there.
(GROANS)
Mrs. McMurray tried to arrange
some sort of pre‐drink on Facebook.
Which is really counterproductive
for the Century Club.
Also, fuck Facebook.
You'll wanna avoid McMurray today.
Is that possible? Why?
Well, it is the Century Club, so he'll be shit‐faced.
DARYL: And when McMurray gets shit‐faced,
things come out of him that are...
Off‐putting. Like what?
No. This one's best left parked.
Well, now I'm just super curious.
No, just... Just lets sleepin' dogs lies.
Yeah, yeah, and don't kick a dead horse.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Yeah, stay away from him today.
Actually, stay away from him when he's shit‐faced any time.
You do realize you're driving us straight to him, right?
Can confirm. Well, I got the e‐brake on so...
Better let it out.
Can't control a French girl. Or a fuckin' bored one.
'Sup? 'Sup?
We'll find out about it anyway.
Look, here's the scoop and I'm gonna tell you.
When McMurray gets shit‐faced,
he likes to recount stories from his boys' trips.
He still goes on boys' trips and he's married? Grow up.
Yeah, he says things that are,
mmm... Spit it out.
Shoot.
Just the worst fuckin' things you've ever heards
in your entire lives. This I promise youse.
Thank you, Squirrelly Dan.
MARIE‐FREDERIQUE: My brother was a hockey player,
all my cousins, too. I grew up with boys. The worst kind.
So just try me.
Samezies.
All right. If we're goin' in, we're goin' in.
We ain't stopping till the job's done.
I should've packed a lunch for this.
And final warning, this one is best left unpacked.
Once we start you're gonna want us to stop.
But we're not gonna stop.
Prove it.
You guys should do it in your McMurray's voice.
Also keep your jaws clenched
like he does when he's all shit‐faced.
You know, for its effects. Any time now.
Buckles up.
Wayne, how would youse like to talk about cunt?
Hey, Dary, are you an ass man, a tits man, or a cunt man?
Hey, you ever fucked a couple of tasties at the same time?
Oh... Fucked so many tasties.
They used to tell me, "Hey, you wanna taste it?"
They used to say, "Come on, big boy,
"wanna jam a little bit of a taste?"
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
I go down to Vegas with about 17 buddies every single year
and you never seen so much cunt in your life.
Ew! Hard Rock rooftop,
poolside villas. I ain't never seen so much cunt in my life.
Anybody tell ya they seen more cunt then that's a liar!
I used to fuck so many tasties...
(FRENCH PROFANITY)
Where is Mrs. McMurray in all this?
We's don't ask those kinds of questions.
I'll tell ya, the last time we were down there,
we made a little hashtag
so the boys could keep track of each other.
Why don't you go ahead and search
hashtag MashTheGash2018.
The year before it was hashtag SlitSlam2017.
Oh... They were just the tastiest
little slits you've ever seen.
You never seen a gash so tasty.
You know what, Bobby, Jim Dandy,
you're gonna lose a digit in that sort of snapper.
Let me tell you something, Vegas, Hard Rock rooftop,
poolside villas, that cunt's there for the money
and the money's there for the cunt.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Oui.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Yous guys had that comin', good buddies.
That's a keeper if there ever was one, eh, good buddy?
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Katy?
But the McMurray's are part of the lifestyle
so don't they just do that kind of shit together?
I mean, they seem so in love.
Different strokes for different folks, Miss Katys.
I don't think Mrs. McMurray knows about this.
It's none of our beeswax, Miss Katy.
And she oughtta.
That's none of your beeswax, Miss Katy.
What are you trying to say to me right now?
I'm sorry, Miss Katys.
Apples.
How's the take down tally, gents?
Almost at the finish line.
Let's sprint, baby, you know I want it.
Speaking of Finnish,
I smashed a Finnish‐Jordanian a few nights ago. Exquisite.
I smashed a Tongan‐Micmac just this morning.
Yeah, I smashed a Catalan‐Cameroonian.
Yeah? I smashed a Swedish‐West Indian.
Good. Well I smashed an Interior Salish‐Thai‐Syrian.
Okay. Ever smashed an East Timorese‐Papua New Guinean?
No. Ever smashed a Honduran‐Emiratis‐Metis?
Talk to me when you've smashed
a Cape Verdean Bahraini Manitoban.
I smashed a Kazakh‐Baffin Island Inuit.
Wonderful! Final day of competition.
Let's all take a piss and get fuckin'
some Nepalese Maritimers.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(URINATING) ALL: Oh... Ow...
Ronsey? Daxy.
Hurt a bit when you pee?
It burns, buddy.
Jonesy? Reilly.
It burns when I pee, buddy.
(REILLY AND JONESY GROANING AND SQUEALING)
DAX: It was that Haitian‐Bangladeshi.
REILLY: (EXCLAIMS) That Baja Desert‐Ukrainian.
RON: It had to have been that Northern Irish‐Maori tribesman.
JONESY: It was that Saint Lucian‐Sikh separatist.
JONESY: (FARTS) Fuck!
(JONESY MOANING)
Oh, Katy. You better tuck in that bottom lip
before ol' Tweety Bird comes along
and makes a poopy poop on it.
Glen, I will... Katy...
Get a drink.
Can I get a drink?
Oh, no, no, Katy. Yell at me today.
Because today I'm playing the role of Gail the bartender
so that she may binge drink
with all y'all, which is technically
a form of alcoholism.
It's gonna be a great day.
Not for hay. Not today.
Today we's stays.
Inside?
Fuck's sake. You're gonna fuck it up, bud.
Meanwhile, hello there.
Who's this nice little number, Wayne? She's like a...
Like a little Cathy Deneuve or like a little Brigitte Bardot.
Glen, this Marie‐Fred.
Oh... Enchante, Marie‐Fred.
Je m'appelle all fucking yours.
I know what you mean, Gail.
She's like a... Like a Juliet Binoche...
Like a Marion Cotillard.
I'm here with Wayne.
Who? Wayne.
I don't fuckin' know him. Yeah, you do.
But I know you... Not yet.
Soon...
Oh, lads, just a little FYI reminder.
I am taking over the bar for Gail today.
ALL: We know! Tone.
Where's Bonnies?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Bonnie, how're ya now?
Good and you?
Not so bad. You callin' this thing t'day?
One hundred shots of beer in 100 minutes.
Rules are no pissin', no passsin' out
and especially no pukin'.
Ugh! No pukin', please!
Ew‐wee‐you‐wee, gross, gross! It's a carpet in here.
Competition's slim this year. The skids are sober.
Reilly and Jonesy called in sick.
So, you've got a shot.
One hundred shots to bes precise.
Oh, Dan!
Well, I'd have a beer. Katy have a beer?
I need a beer. Marie‐Fred, have a beer?
I'd have a beer. Dan, have a beer?
I'd have a beer. Dary, have a beer?
You okay? Fuck sake.
I'll grab them.
This time, yes, but next time,
talk to old Glen. Say, "Glen, get me some beers."
Because technically today I'm takin' over the bar for Gail.
ALL: We know. Okay. I'm starting to hear,
I'm sayin' it a lot and I'm being really detailed...
You comin'? Thought I'd concealed it.
GAIL: Let's go. Oh, mercy.
Bonnie, get the hot compress ready for Gail!
She is some special, Wayne.
She's like a little Genevieve Bujold.
Or like a little Marie‐Josee Croze...
Yep, a keeper if there ever was one, bud.
Just makin' sure...
Oh, Daryl. You're a bit of a tragedy today, aren't ya?
A needy boy is a seedy boy. Okay?
You're gonna fudge this up, buddy.
I don't know why she's being so distant. Well...
Take a look in the mirror you fuckin' asshole!
Wayne! How's the good 'n' you bad are you now?
(SNICKERS) You're hammered... McMurray.
Here they are...
Well, I might've had a helpin' hand
from a spicy little number
by the name of Mrs. Pampered Puss McMurray. (MUTTERING)
(MUTTERING)
Hoo, boy! MRS. McMURRAY: I'll tell you what.
I might have a little base coat of ginski in this cocksucker...
Mayfair. The good stuff...
Hey, Gail! How are we doin' for ginski in this cocksucker?
You got the Piger Henricus from... Quebec?
GAIL: I got a Wendigo if you want a Quebec gin.
Awesome... Ginski...
Oh, heavens... Okay?
Next time ask me 'cause I'm in charge of the bar today.
I am a lucky man. (SNIFFLES)
Well, now that the sit‐down pissers
are trampin' off to the bar,
youse guys wanna talk about cunt?
DAX: What a pain in the ass, eh, Ronsey?
RON: I'd call it a pain in the dick, Daxy.
Pain in the ass? Pain in the dick?
REILLY AND JONESY: This is the end of days.
Oh, relax, boys.
At least it's not the gift that keeps on giving.
Yeah, boys. Could've been the herp‐dog.
How can you be so cold about this? It's your manhood, boys.
Doesn't it just level you to see it like that?
This isn't your... This is!
(CLAPPING)
DAX AND RON: Your first STD!
Adorable.
Wait. This... This isn't yours?
DAX AND RON: No!
How many have you had?
That's a tough question.
I don't even know. Oh, my God, is that bad?
Oh, my God, is it?
I'm more trying to think of a time
when I didn't have one.
(STAMMERS) Two‐wenty? Thirty?
You're in the ballpark. I think?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you're terrible.
You're terrible.
How the fuck can you be so calm about this?
This is the end of days!
REILLY AND JONESY: (CRYING) This is the end of days!
I think we learned a lesson here, buddy.
I think so too, buddy.
Which is odd because we're normally
all about the anti‐lesson, buddy.
Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose type thing.
Yeah, it was coming to us, bro.
When we compete to take down babes...
And nearly win. Still could win.
But... Really...
BOTH: No one wins. (GROAN)
It was that Himlayan‐Bengali‐Croat.
That rascal!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
♪ I feel foolish I wanna drink too much
♪ You look Polish you got a wicked sense of humor
♪ I feel dizzy and I want your touch
♪ Let's get tipsy and start a rumor
♪ I feel restless here I can't sit still
♪ Everybody at this party's got their fingers in the till
♪ I bet their parents are ridiculously loaded
♪ Let's get moving, before I'm loaded
♪ The dancers need a dance floor the swingers gotta swing
♪ Fashionable people doing questionable things
♪ Fashionable, fashionable fashionable people
♪ I don't wanna hang around in someone else's scene
♪ Fashionable people doing questionable things
♪ Fashionable, fashionable fashionable people
♪ Come on
♪ Questionable, questionable questionable things
One hundred. Congratulations, everyone.
Huzzah, gang!
We all finished the cocksucker...
Nobody puked or pissed or passed out.
Wait. Yeah. Wow.
Everybody wins.
Well, I do love a happy ending.
As do I, mon frere.
BONNIE: Congratulations on completion, everyone.
You may now use the facilities.
Oh...
Hello. Goodbye. Well, that's my cue.
I'll help you bus, Glen.
Samezies. Ah, thank you.
You got a big bin for all this?
GLEN: Well, I sure do.
I got two strong hands. I can help.
No, we got it. WAYNE: Good enough.
You leave it to Julie Delpy and Mila Kunis and me.
Come on, ladies.
Well, they all cleared out of here pretty fast.
Not as fast as the wind.
You guys know that back in high school
I used to be known as... (MUTTERS)
(BURPS) I ought to tell youse
a story about hashtag CuntCripple2016.
Please don't feel like you have to. Oh, I do.
Going down Vegas with the boys. Hard Rock rooftop...
ALL: Poolside villas.
This sweet and tasty little thing
comes and grabs me right by the short and curlies,
right at the poolside bar. And, believe me, never,
ever in your life have you ever seen so many tasties ever.
I'd have a dart. I didn't fart.
Oh, now, now, hold your horses now,
'cause this is about to get real good.
Now this particular tasty was of the Australian variety.
Crikey.
Now you may not know this,
but down there they likes you to piss on 'em.
No, they don't. Yes, they do.
Actually, I'm told the dudes from down under
do piss on gals.
But I don't know what's in it for the gals.
So anyways, she says to me,
"I'm gonna go lay in the tub
"and I want you come in there and have a little piss on me."
Fuck sake.
So, I says to her, "You want the yella or the big fella?"
Let's have a dart.
Oh, no, come on now. Now we're almost there.
I'm almost done.
I don't really know what to do.
I don't know if I'm supposed to get hard
or where I'm supposed to piss on her...
Dary! I kinda wanna see where it goes.
So she says to me,
"I'm gonna go in there, and lay in the tub
"and you're gonna go in there and get a little bit hard,
"and you're gonna come in
"and have a little piss on my tits."
Dart time! Fart time. (LAUGHS)
No, I just gotta call Anik, make sure everything's good.
McMurray... Katy.
DAN: (FARTS) That wasn't a fart.
I've got a question for you! I've got a question for you...
Okay. You need to know that when...
What are you doing
the last week of May?
Why? I'll tell you.
Every spring, me and about 17 gal pals
head down to Cancun for a girls' weekend.
Okay...
Let me tell you something about spring break.
The older cunt is there for the young cock.
And the young cock is there for the older cunt.
Oh...
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Thanks, Glen. Oh!
Thanks, Bonnie.
It was a pleasure, Gail.
It's always nice to give you a moment to binge drink,
which is a form of alcoholism.
'Kay...
Come on, Glen. I'll drive you home.
Thank you, Bonnie.
And I will sing you hymns to keep you alert and inspired.
No, you won't. That's fair.
Ladies first. Okay.
They look so in love.
WAYNE: Got every reason to believe they are, bud.
KATY: But they... DAN: Miss Katys?
What?
A wee bits earlier I suggested, quite gently,
that what the McMurray's do is nobody's business.
I remember. I remember you shouting at me.
I'm sorry, Squirrelly Dan.
(WHISPERS) That's okay, Miss Katys.
We are, nones of us perfects.
And that is what I appreciates about us.
Can I borrow somebody's phone to call Anik, please?
WAYNE AND KATY: No.
But what have we learned through all this, Miss Katys?
Different strokes, for different folks. I think?
I think you just nailed it.
♪ Get a little closer let fold
♪ Cut open my sternum and pull
♪ My little ribs around you
♪ The rungs of me be under under you
♪ I'll cut the soft pockets let bleed
♪ Over the rocky cliffs that you leave
♪ To peer over and not forget what feet are
♪ Splitting threads of thunder over me
♪ Listen closely closely to the floor
♪ Emitting all its graces through the pores
♪ You make a fine shrine in me
♪ You build a fine shrine in me
♪ That I might see with my chest and sink
♪ Into the edges round you
♪ Into the lakes of quarry's that brink
♪ On all the edges round you
♪ Get a little closer let fold
♪ Cut open my sternum and pull
♪ My little ribs around you
♪ The lungs of me be crowns over you
♪ Get a little closer let fold
♪ Cut open my sternum and pull
♪ My little ribs around you
♪ The lungs of me be crowns over you
♪ Get a little closer let fold
♪ Cut open my sternum and pull
♪ My little ribs around you
♪ The rungs of me be under under you
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