You smelt Gap Dream at the bar the other night
and that got you hard as old sugar.
You sparked the BBQ with the lid still down
and turned your niece's 8th birthday into a scene
from the Hurt Locker.
Your friend's dad called
your sister's pet squirrel a "bush shrimp".
You've come to the conclusion that if she's got three
or more colours in her hair, she's offended by everything.
Your pal chose the urinal directly beside yours
which gotcha thinking about how he always wants to cross
your arms and crack your back.
You wanna give your sweetie the world
but all you can afford is Edmonton.
And really you shoulda known
about your back crackin' pal 'cause like,
one time he wanted to do it when it was just the two of ya.
You'd fuck a catcher's mitt at the moment
is not the answer the dude at the sex shop
was expecting when he asked ya how you were doing.
Yeah say what you want about CIS teens,
they'll build you a great fuckin' chapel.
It's not entirely true to say you got catfished,
but the girl did have a forehead so big,
she could light a dart in the shower.
Your dog ripped a fart so thick,
you could hang an axe in the air after.
You don't have a lady in your life but you do have a pal
who blows on his food to cool it down,
so tomato-tomahto.
Boy you sure catch a lot of heat for your farmer's tan
but have yous never seen a roofer's tan, like, holy fuck.
Your gal wants to start an OnlyFans page,
but even Netflix is losing subs
and she can't compete with Ozark.
Whole world's all if's and but's at the moment.
But if if's and but's were candy and nuts
you'd have nuts where your butts were before.
♪
Youse guys!
ALL: What?
Look at this.
- Christ in heaven. - What?
- Look at this. - Sweet Lord Almighty.
- What? - Look at this.
Um...
Wee bit of trouble reading then, eh, bud?
What's it say?!
Collect yourselves.
This could very easily spirals into hysterics,
if we's don't practice stoicisms.
What's it say.
Tell us what chip is the best chip of all time!
And these guys will let you design your own flavour of chip!
- (Crowd chattering) - We alls knews this was coming.
Well, all the signs were there.
Wait! What are the rules?
Yes.
Oh, wee bit of a hard time readin' then, eh, bud?
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
"Only classic Canadian flavours,
"consisting of two or less ingredients shall be considered.
"Plain, salt & vinegar, BBQ,
sour cream & onion, dill pickle... ketchup."
Better not forget those fuckin' all-dressed chips.
Wayne, all-dressed consists of more than two ingredients.
So nows, we're shaming chips for being too dressed?
I'm used to shaming them for not being dressed enough.
Stewart.
"All-Dressed chips shall be excluded!"
- (Gasps from patrons) - MAN: Get outta here!
For obvious reasons, Wayne.
Excluding the chip doesn't stop it from being
the greatest chip of all time, Dary.
Wayne, this is no time for pride. It's bedlam out here.
No one loves chips like small towns.
Not one other tribe, nor person, nor posse.
Yeah. Offices have their water coolers.
And small towns have their chip bowls.
It's a place where friendships are built
and good news is shared.
Those waters runs deeps.
Six generations strong.
The American Revolutionarys Wars was in no smalls parts due
to Great Britain's calling chips crisps.
What do you think our ancestors snacked on
up the underground railroad?
Everybody knows, the War of 1812 was the north versus the south,
but what the people on the front lines knew,
it was crinkle cut versus classic cut.
Manifest destiny wasn't even a thing until Yanks caught wind
of us fuckin' around with exotic flavours up here.
Youse beens awful quiets through all this, Waynes.
I'm so fired up right now,
I've got sweat rollin' down the small of my back
and into my ass crack.
It's emotional.
But someone's gotta stay focused through the fuss.
Someone's gotta lead.
- I nominate Stewart! - I nominate anyone else.
What are we gonna do, Wayne?
Only thing we can do.
Have a fishbowl discussion.
Come on now.
(Grunting)
Pretty short shorts for someone that calls himself a man.
You're paying a lot of attention to my shorts
for someone who calls himself straight.
Time to take a good look in the mirror, bud.
That's exactly what I thought.
What is this sorcery, boys.
Look at this hocus-pocus.
New program, boys. We wanna look like porn stars.
We're gonna look like porn stars.
- You already kinda do. - You already kinda do.
Really though, you already kinda do.
- You already kinda do. - What are we even doing here?
Seriously though, youse already kinda do.
BOTH: Thank you, Glen.
Oh, that was confusing. That was not a compliment.
Because you look like straight male porn stars.
- Pardon? - Well, you know,
like a Shane Diesel, or a Sean Lawless.
Or Johnny Sins?
Jordi el Nino Polla or Juan El Caballo Loco.
- Gizmo Osmond? - Maybe even him.
Wait, I'm sorry, Glen,
but a porn star is a porn star is a porn star.
(Snort laughing) Not when it comes
to the flawless male physique, it t'ain't.
He's right. Gays hold it down there.
Yeah. We can't argue that.
Like a little Johnny Rapid? A little Buck Richards?
Sure, like a little Pierce Paris, or a little JJ Knight.
A little Max Arion?
A little Liam Cyber?
Yeah, a little Calvin Banks.
Li'l Beaux Banks. Li'l Boomer Banks.
A little Max from Corbin Fisher?
A little Dean from Seancody?
A little Cocky Boys?
Yeah, a little Guys In Sweatpants.
Li'l Helix. Li'l Bel Ami.
Hey, Glen?
Oh, Hockey, I forgot about you.
How do you know so much about gay, male porn stars?
Pourquoi?
It's just that we know why Ron and Dax know so much
about gay, male porn stars.
'Cause we're homos?
Not sure that's PC but you said.
Gay as the day is long.
All new levels of gay.
Straight up the ass.
But for you to know so much about gay porn stars...
Gay-- Gay male porn stars.
Yes, for you to know so much about gay, male porn stars,
it would suggest...
Uh, that I've done my research? (Laughing)
Jonesy, I'm not sure if this is your first time
throwing some weights around, but in the fitness community,
we have something called goals.
We also have a little thing called fitspo.
So, what I like to do is I set my goals,
I gather up my fitspo, and then I go about
trying to achieve my goals.
Par example...
This... is my fitspo. Okay?
So, my goal...
is the whole...
aesthetic.
Okay? My goal...
is to look... like this.
Or maybe even a little bit like this.
Or, if I'm lucky I get to and/or look like this.
- Okay, Glen. - We got it, buddy.
So, if everything's clear,
you guys can just skedaddle on out of here
and I can get back to my goal of looking like this!
BOTH: O-kay.
We'll take it from here, fellas.
How do we feel about Austin Wilde?
Well, he's no Christian Wilde.
No he is not.
(Crowd chattering)
Simmer down.
In order to arrive at the conclusion
of what the best chip ever is...
in an effort to be able to design our own chip...
we will now begin a closed fishbowl discussion
on the matter,
and let the chips fall as they may.
Wayne.
You wanna know what, here I go now.
I just want to start by saying thanks to Gail
for acting as today's moderator,
also, for assuming the responsibility
of booking us the Ukrainian Hall for today's event.
(Applauding)
Thank you, Gail.
'Kay.
Rules for today's fishbowl discussion are simple.
I'll introduce flavours of chip one by one.
Peer discussion inside the fishbowl will begin.
I, and only I, have the power to move on to the next flavour
of chip.
In conclusion of today's fishbowl discussion,
the best chip of all time will be determined via vote
by show of hands.
We begin.
Plain.
(Croup mumbling, talking over each other)
I-- I submit:
that chip could be called plain... or regular.
How would youse like it if someone called youse regulars?
- I would love that! - (Laughing)
I mean, to be called regular ol' Letterkenny folk--
Anyhoo!
I'm not trying to take anything away from the chip.
- He's really not. - I hopes not.
I would also offer, calling the chip plain is misleading,
on account of the light drizzle of salt adorning the chip.
Put that light drizzle of salt up against
any other flavour of chip for me real quick and,
I mean, I think we're good to move this along.
There isn't one person here who'd take the plain chip.
All I'll say.
I actually know a few people who would
and I'm not going to name names, but I ain't one of 'em.
- I am. - (Gasping)
Dary.
And I'll say this...
you can call it regular,
but I call it classic!
(Uproar from the crowd)
GAIL: Let him speak! Let the man speak!
It doesn't need to go there.
It never needs to go there.
Youse may want your chips all dolled up and camera ready...
I just want a chip to sit on the sofa with...
catch a flick...
shoot the breeze.
- But... - But...
- But-- - But fuck it!
ROALD: (Quietly) Yes.
Could be the first chip I ever had.
And I'm not gonna turn my back on it.
'Cause it's never turned its back on me.
Waynes? Youse been awful quiets through all this.
Dary, I know you go back a long way back with the chip.
- So do you. - So do I.
But I look over at you here, and... like,
how soon we forget, old friend,
all those sleepovers, kindergarten through Grade 2,
you and me used to add a couple things into a bag of plain chips
in an effort to... make our own homemade chip.
Dary, why don't you tell the group
what those two things were.
- Salt and vinegar. - (Gasping)
What?
I'm gonna take some air.
(Door opening and closing)
With the salt and vinegar seed planted,
we will gracefully and with composure segue
into salt and vinnies.
- (All talking over each other) - Damn good chip.
That chip won't be pushed around.
Why do you think Doritos never fucked with it?
Corn chips have no place here!
- Still an underdog. - Always beens an underdogs.
It's enough to give anyones an attitudes.
It's a versatile chip.
Expand on that please, Rosie.
Throw it in with some popcorn or pretzels.
Pretzels, pretzel sticks...
- DARYL: Peanut M&M's. - (Gasping)
DAN: He's back.
(Crowd whispering)
It plays by the rules.
Doesn't try to steal the spotlight.
It's a respectful chip.
Shall I just say what everyone's thinking?
- Stewart. - Roald.
If you're goings where I thinks you're goings,
I suggests you holds your tongue.
In fact, I strongly suggests it.
Stewart. Proceed.
That chip is... inconsistent.
- (Gasping) - You son of a bitch!
I have relied on that chips my whole life.
Which chip, Dan?
You never know which one you're getting!
And that's the problem.
You're pulling out one
that's maybe a little too salt and vinegary.
Next thing you know,
you've got one that's not very salt and vinegary at all.
Gails, I sense an edge of confrontations
in the gentleman's tone.
One's got enough salt and vinegar to prune your lips
for the better part of 48 hours,
and the next one may as well be...
- Don't you dare. - ...regular.
- Prepare to meet your maker! - WAYNE: Dan!
Why don't you take some air.
(Gentle patting)
I thinks I will take some airs.
(Stewart chuckling)
(Squealing)
(Door opening closing)
BBQ!
(Chattering)
WOMAN: ...The name itself.
Hey, Glen.
Hey, Glenski.
Bert, Ernie.
We just wanted to say, like, um, sorry if we were kinda weird
earlier when you were able to list the names
of so many gay, male porn stars.
Yes and again when you had a gay, male porno magazine
on your person.
You know, I don't know how what a person has on their person
is any of your concern!
Exactly! Exactly.
What a person keeps on their person
is none of anybody's business, or what they do
in the privacy of their own home.
Yes, I mean a person's preferences
is none of anybody's business.
So, you do yo, bro.
(Snort laughing)
Do you mean to tell me,
that you've never been watching a porn and said to yourself,
huh, my gourd, that man or young adult
or young adult portraying an adolescent
or actual adolescent portraying a step-son
has an extraordinary physique?
No.
All porn stars are pretty shredded,
so they're pretty much interchangeable
after a certain point.
I pretty much don't even notice the dude anymore.
Exactly! I don't even notice the girl!
Although, I'll take pause
to acknowledge a nice wrench though.
Yes, if he has a massive wrench,
you've gotta pause for a stick tap.
Gentlemen, we're on the same page,
we're speaking the same language,
we're driving the same direction.
So, what I'm saying is the next time you're looking
for shredded dudes for your fitspo, maybe think
about switching up your porn searches a little wee bit.
It's good to mix it up, boys.
- Great to mix it up. - You gotta mix it up.
Well, let's mix it up.
What are we even fuckin' doin' here?
What is wrong with searching...
"massive cock drills tiny hole," huh? What's wrong with it.
Nothin', buddy!
Then what's wrong with searching...
"two massive cocks drill tiny hole," huh?
What's wrong with it?
Not a thing in the world, bro.
Okay, well then, what's wrong with
searching "two handsome, muscular men with massive cocks
not touching each other or anything,
but definitely no girls," huh?
- What's wrong with it. - Nah-- Nah-- Nothing
What's wrong with searching "two handsome, muscular men
"with massive cocks goin' all the way with each other
with no one else around," huh? What's wrong with it?!
- Glen... - Glen are you...
What?
Always on the lookout for long-lasting,
relentless, repetitive,
high-intensity,
ads-free fitspo?!
You're GD right I am!
- Okay, Glen. - Okay, Glen.
(Exhaling) Working out gets me real...
real pumped up, real aggressive.
I mean, what is wrong
with getting your prostate checked a couple times a week
by someone who is not a doctor, huh?
What's wrong with it?
(Door opening and closing)
Dill pickle.
- (Chattering) - Glad I came back for this one.
Good chip.
About time this thing started heatin' up.
Dill pickle Pringles. How 'bow 'dah?
How 'bout that's not a chip.
Stewart?
It is a Pringle, it's not a chip.
I think you're thinking "It's not a chip, it's a cracker."
I think you're thinking "It's not a cracker, it's a Crispers."
It's part chip, part cracker, all snack.
He's right.
Pringles didn't have the same advantages as other chip.
(Scoffing) Pringles have more advantages than other chip
for the packaging alone.
Tube of chips versus bag of chips.
Sounds like Pringles might be in your pocket.
Follow the moneys.
Pringles didn't have the same advantages
as other chip and still did just fine.
They did more than fine.
Pringles packaging brings a whole new element to the chip.
No doubt.
Let's the chip show you a whole different side of itself.
But Rosie, let me ask you, might that be called privilege?
- It might. - Oh?
Or it mightn't.
Well, might it or mightn't it?
No one can argue it's a chip that knows exactly who it is.
Pretty easy for a chip that's had everything
handed to it its whole life.
But it doesn't carry itself that way. That matters here!
ROALD: Pringles just think they're better than other chip,
what with being all un-cracked and the same shape.
You could argue they're setting an unrealistic standards
for chips everywhere.
The topic is dill pickle.
You ever seen a family-sized pack of Pringles?
No. 'Cause they don't get the same opportunities
as other chip. Never did.
They excluded themselves from that conversation!
- Oh! - Oh, but since you asked,
Rosie, oh, what do you think a family-sized pack
of-- of Pringles looks like?
Three tubes stacked on top of each other?
I was thinking three tubes pressed side by side.
You've got two parents, two to three kids
and maybe a dog in the family sedan,
you really think there's any room for those options.
- (Crowd gasping) - (Laughing)
Pringles are used to being left behind.
I'll take some air.
Rosie...
(Door opens and closes)
The topic is dill pickle.
Youse been awfully quiets through all this, Waynes.
DARYL: So have you, Katy-Kat.
WAYNE: (Quietly) ...should say something?
KATY: (Quietly) I think you should say something.
WAYNE: (Quietly) Think I'd like you to say something.
KATY: (Quietly) I think you should take it.
- WAYNE: (Quietly) You sure? - Take it.
WAYNE: Okay.
We've always been able to rely on the family farm, you see.
A number of years back, we had a rough patch...
agriculturally.
Difficult times.
Lot of 'uncertainteh'.
Katy had to get a job in town to help us make ends meet.
And every night I'd drive into town there,
pick her up 'cause...
well, that's the least I could do.
Hell I'll admit it, I was hurtin'.
I was hurtin' real bad.
It was a time when a lot of men would lose themselves.
But what got me through it was the pride of knowin'
that every night when she'd go in town there for work,
she'd know exactly who was comin' to pick her up
eight hours later.
That's me and bag a bag of dill picklers.
(Katy exhaling)
Gonna take some air.
I'd take a wee bit of air, too.
(Door opening and closing)
It's a good time... for all of us to take some air.
(Crowd chattering)
- (Weights clanking) - (Grunting)
- Glen. - Glenski.
Hall, Oates.
We just wanted
to make this crystal clear here, boys.
We weren't scrambling because anybody's gay.
- We're gay. - Gay as the day is long.
- All new levels of gay. - Straight up the ass.
- Which is good. - Which is great.
I mean, it's great, whatever you're doing,
it's great.
It's all great.
So, even if you were... gay...
JONESY: Or are gay.
Were gay, are gay, plan to be gay...
whatever it is...
- It's all good. - It's all great.
I mean, it's great.
Whatever you're doing, it's great.
W...we were just wondering...
Glen...
You know, we've been pals for a long time.
And we were just wondering...
We've been pals long enough for-- you can tell us
if we're out of line too! Like you-- just go for it!
Okay, but from one pal to another,
are you...
I was.
You were?
I am.
You are?
And I plan to be!
...the most fitspired fella in this whole fitness forum!
Who is with me?
It's none of our business, buddy.
Can't know everything, bro.
BOTH: We're with you.
Oh! Good.
'Cause it's hard to stay fitspired.
I need good fitspo.
- You betcha, buddy. - We're here to help, bro.
Even if it means searching: massive cock drills tiny hole?
- Sure, buddy. - Even if it means searching:
two massive cocks drill tiny hole?
- Whatever it takes, buddy. - Even if it means searching:
two very handsome, muscular men with massive cocks
who aren't touching each other,
but there's definitely no girls around?
I can help with that one, buddy.
Even if it means searching: "two handsome, muscular men
with massive cocks just going all the way with each other,
while the rest of their fraternity brothers
cheer them on and drink beer?
That's right in my wheelhouse, buddy.
Oh! Good, good, good. Good! Good!
Now...
which of you non-doctors feels like giving me a prostate exam?
Sour cream and onion!
(Crowd grumbling)
You mean sour cream and untouchable?
Sour cream and unacceptable.
Well, they're sour cream and underappreciated.
Sour cream and undeserving.
Pfft. If you're sour cream and unintelligent.
Katy!
That was sour cream and unnecessary.
This whole things is getting sour creams and uncomfortables.
Ketchup!
(Crowd grows louder)
Good chip!
Gails, you gots to gets control of the situation.
They're gone, Dan! I've lost them!
- Wayne, help her! - What?
This is the chip I've been waiting for!
This is my moment!
Stewart!
Katy, get under your chair!
What? Dary, you get under the chair--
All is lost!
- (Crowd yelling) - All is lost!
ROSIE: Did you say something?
I can't hear what you're saying.
- (Door opening) - (Crowd goes silent)
(Door closing)
(Blitzen Trapper "The Tree")
♪ When your love rains down, just like diamonds all around ♪
♪ A strange and changing sound ♪
♪ A transformation in the ground ♪
♪ The great and winding tree ♪
♪ Splits the Earth from sea to sea ♪
♪ And my lover comes to me ♪
♪ Bids me follow endlessly ♪
♪ As she laughs and starts to climb ♪
♪ Through the branches and the binds ♪
♪ Through the tangle of our minds, ♪
♪ For this tree, you see, it grows, never ending... ♪
Why are youse all here and not the bar?
All-Dressed.
That's the chip. It is THE chip.
I mean, it really is the best of the best.
I mean, what are we talking about here?
It's a mix of barbecues, ketchups,
sour creams & onions, and salts & vinegars.
There's a little bit of all of us in that chip.
It was right there in front of us this whole time.
Couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Nothing regular about it.
There's no dill pickle in there.
Dill pickle will always have a place in our hearts.
What is going on here?
The rules clearly state:
All- Dressed shall be excluded.
For obvious reasons, Wayne.
Well, Dary...
excluding the chip doesn't stop it
from being the greatest chip of all time.
Got that right, good buddy.
It's the Brets Harts of chips. The best there is.
The best there was. The best there ever wills bes.
This fishbowl discussion will now be closed.
There will be no vote via show of hands
as the conclusion for the best chip of all time
has been drawn,
pursuit of designing our own flavour of chip
will also conclude.
Yeah, but the chip we'd design, it-- it'd be like,
a Caesar flavoured chip,
like a Bloody Mary flavoured chip.
I think that that'd be the winner.
You know, I think we'd all agree on that.
Everyone knows it.
I mean, a chip that tastes like Caesars? Slam dunk.
- (All agreeing) - WAYNE: You can't lose.
All-Dressed though...
(Chuckling)
Got everything in a chip you want right there.
Friendship. Feels good.
Friend-chip? (Laughing)
Yo.
What the actual fuck is going on here.
(Glasvegas "Geraldine")
♪
♪ When your sparkle evades your soul ♪
♪ I'll be at your side to console ♪
♪ When you're standing on the window ledge ♪
♪ I'll talk you back, back from the edge ♪
♪ I will turn, I will turn your tide ♪
♪ Be your shepherd, I swear I'll be your guide ♪
♪ When you're lost in the deep and darkest place around ♪
♪ May my words walk you home safe and sound ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪