You were talkin' about motion pictures
with your pals the other day...
And this particular motion picture
was stacked to the tits with that thing I hate.
Well, that doesn't really narrows it downs.
You know the thing.
Oh, What?
Like, there's a super intense dramatic scene
and one actor is on the other side of the room,
screaming their lines at the other actor,
and then slowly and gradually, they get closer and closer,
speaking more quietly and softly,
up until they get about nose to nose,
and then they deliver their last line ant it's almost a whisper?
- Okay, I hate that. - Yeah.
And then it's usually some kind of variation on...
(Whispers:) "Try me."
Or something like...
(Whispers:) "Don't make me hurt you."
Or, "This ends here."
Yeah, no.
Or how whenever there's a scene where,
like, a gal kicks a dude's ass, magically,
the dude just kind of appears out of nowhere
and says something like...
- "Hey... bitch." - Worst.
And then, after the gal's done kickin' the dude's ass,
the gal just shows up and swallows,
says something all breathy, like...
(Breathing heavily)
"Who's the bitch now?"
Ugh. Sit down.
Or how there's always some kid
who doesn't speak any English,
trying to lead all the English-speaking people
away from danger, but all he can say is,
"Here! Here!"
- "Here! Here!" - "Here! Here!"
Enough! Yes, I hate all that,
but there is nothing I hate more than--
- Oh... - Oh...
- Yup.
When every actor takes a sharp inhale before their line
for dramatic effect.
(Inhales sharply) What's wrong with that, Katy?
(Inhales sharply) You saying you don't like that?
(Inhales sharply) Kinda feels like
you're lobb-sing a grenade to the industrys there.
- Don't. - (Inhales sharply)
Do you have any idea how often actors use this device
for dramatic effect, Katy?
(Inhales sharply) And people don't even speak that way.
(Inhales) Have you ever heard anyone breathe like that
before they speaks ever in your lifes?
Go aheads, I'll wait.
Gettin' on my last nervski, boys.
(Inhales) When's it gonna stop, Katy?
What ever happened to less is more, Katy?
(Inhales)
Actors need to stop trying so darn hard, Katy.
(Inhales) Not that I got it all my damn self.
(Inhales) Yeah, not that I have it all my damn self, Katy.
(Inhales) Just sayin', Katy.
(Inhales) I completely understand
why you hates that, Miss Katys.
- Fuck off! - (Inhaling sharply)
- Fuckin'-- (Hiccups) - (Hiccups)
(All hiccupping)
Ooh, took in too much air there. (Hiccups)
- (Hiccupping) - I hate the hiccups.
Fuckin' scare me or something.
(All hiccupping)
- Ha! - You think that's scary?
Boogety, boogety, boogety!
Who the fuck are you? (Hiccups)
(All hiccupping)
And you suppose that's what...
thespians mean by sacrificing for your craft.
(Hiccups)
♪
(Phone ringing)
- (Phone ringing) - Hello?
Tanis: It's Glen.
He says we need to get down to the Church right away.
(Phone chiming)
It's Glen.
He says we need to get down to the church right away.
- (Phone chiming) - It's Glen.
He says we need to get down to the church right away.
(Phone chiming)
- It's Tanis. - 'Kay.
Says "I knew youse wouldn't listen to Glen.
Seriously. Church. Now." We should go.
- You know I'm unavailable. - I should go.
Right when I'm finally winning?
I'll make it up to you.
When's the last time you had boar chops?
Ah!
You can wait a couple hours right?
(Grumbling)
(Church bell ringing)
At long last. Thank you for heeding my call.
What's the rumpus, Glen?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today--
Whoa! I will not be hoodwinked
into attending a religious service, good sir.
- That's what I said. - Spit it out, hot stuff.
I'm getting to it!
Maybe get to it a little faster.
Okay. Wh-- fine. I gathered you all here today--
Not fast enough.
--because I wanted to thank you for participating
in the bake sale to help me raise money for the youth group!
Phew! Was that fast enough for you, Rosie?!
Yeah, I guess we can use that.
(Sighing) Katy, your muffins were divine.
It's Uncle Eddie's recipe. Guess it still holds up.
Rosie, your banana bread left me fit to be tied.
You'd be surprised at how easy it is to make.
Tanis!
Don't yell at me, preacher.
Your bannock blew my mind.
I know my way around a salle à manger.
She's cute. She means "cuisine".
Gail! Your tarts worked their way into my hearts and my belly.
Dick-skin helped.
Coach!
No one gave two poops about your fruit cake,
which is no surprise at all.
You don't like fruit cake?
Oh, no. Me, personally, I love a fruit cake.
Oh, you do?
Anybody who knows me at all knows that about me. (Snorts)
Barb loved fruit cake.
Oh, can we not with Barb, please?
(Softly:) Well, I was hesitant to contribute at all.
Hm?
(Softly:) I was hesitant to contribute at all.
Huh?
I was hesitant to contribute at all!
- Pourquoi? - Because the Christian youth
are... uh...
dabbling in a little iffy business these days.
- Like what? - You ever heard of soaking?
- No. - It's when a dude...
puts his dink in a gal...
(Grunting)
- Oh. - ...but doesn't move it.
So, like, no thrusting or anything?
- No. - But that's the good stuff.
- Oh, my... - The dude...
just puts his dink in...
- (Grunting) - ...and stays still.
It's a way for them to get around
saving their virginity till marriage.
Little troubleshooting there.
So, they would say, we can't have sex, but we can...
(Grunting) Soak.
What is the point?
Well, I guess it beats not doing anything at all.
ALL: No, it doesn't.
- All right, Glen... - Okay, okay.
You are here because something horrible has happened.
My best friend Tanis and I arrived at the church today
at about, ehh, it was 10 a.m.
Wait, what?
Oh. We're besties now.
'Cause remember, when I called you,
you came right away to help me?
And that's exactly the kind of thing
a bestie does for their bestie. Right, bestie?
Yeah, 'cause you said there was a fire.
Well, one little white lie never hurt nobody.
And I was like, "Well, I didn't start it."
We arrived here at around at 10 a.m.,
when I showed my bestie that the till
that had all the earnings in it from the bake sale
had gone missing!
And so, I says to my bestie, I says,
"We best check our purses 'cause we done got robbed."
Now... all of you
had access to the till,
which means that one of you heartless monsters stole...
from me - Glen -
your friend or best friend,
depending on whether or not your name is Tanis.
So, let me remind youse...
(Whispers) ...do not...
steal... from me.
KATY: Bravo.
- I didn't. - And more importantly,
do not stealeth from the Church!
From the Lordeth shimself!
And all his Idrises Elba
and from the Lordeth's youth group -
The Burning Bush Club.
It's me, Glen, your friend.
Who hath stolen from me?!
Confess and then repent. Who hath doneth it?
Oh!
How will I ever find out who hath robbed me?
Lord, send me some help!
(Door opening)
STEWART: Ding-dong.
Here! Here!
♪
Good evening.
It's afternoon.
What are you doing here, under creature?
I am the answer to your prayers, preacher man.
Honestly...
(Whispering) Roald!
Oh, sorry Stewart.
(Sound effect of thunder cracking)
Where's boo?
Who?
- Wayne! - With Squirrely Dan.
I ordered some Okoya furniture,
got delivered today.
You know how much they love that shit.
Gentlemen. What a great day, eh?
- Gots the times? - No.
- Shockers. - Sorry?
Well, you say be available
between the hours of one and four in the afternoon
to sign for delivery.
So, what time's it now?
4:45.
BOTH: 4:48!
We just follow the schedule.
Oh, all right. So, delivery's 75 bucks.
The attitude extra, 'er?
Katy said she was ordering some Swedish furniture.
Didn't say anything about no fuckin' lips.
WAYNE: How 'bout the lip on this one?
DAN: Who knew Swedes were so fuckin' lippy.
Did you have somewhere to be?
WAYNE: I've had about enough of the lip!
DAN: You Swedes may be good at fuckin' meatballs,
but you got a lots to learn about fuckin' being on times.
WAYNE: What's your name?
- Jens. - WAYNE: What?
Jens.
What is there two of ya?
That's gotta be the most Swedish fuckin' name I ever heard.
I'm actually Dutch.
Don't say that too louds around heres.
- What's your name? - Gunner.
- But what's your real name? - Gunner.
Yeah, but what's your real name?
- Gunner. - Fuck around.
You're already lates. Don't get fuckin' smart.
I'd be careful, a nickname like that just might stick.
Gettin' lipped off by a couple of fuckin' Swedes.
I've had about enough of the lip.
I can takes one looks at ya
and I know why Katy's fuckin' ordered offa yas.
WAYNE: Christ, I'm not sure the shirts get any tighter,
but I'd bet the farm they fuckin' gave it a shot.
We got one dresser and two bed side tables.
- Where do want this assembled? - Right there.
- What? - WAYNE: What?!
What'd he say about the fuckin' lip?
It's $75 for delivery, installation and assembly.
Well, you already fucked up the delivery.
You can sets it up right heres and, for frees,
we'll let you know what kind of job you're fuckin' doin'.
We can assemble it here, but let us know where to carry it.
It'll take thirty seconds.
WAYNE: Yeah, while you bounce it off 30 fuckin' walls.
The customer's always right.
DAN: Damn right. Pitter-patter.
WAYNE: All right, youse go get sorted.
Dan and I will finish our beers
and we'll go over some safety tips.
(Church bell ringing)
Gasp! What are you doing here, Stewart?! Hi, Roald.
Hi, Glen! Um, hi, everyone!
Roald! (Inhales sharply)
Assembled fools...
- (Inhales sharply) - Don't!
Don't what?
Don't with the dramatic inhale.
I am here...
because I know... who did it.
How could you possibly know anything, Stewart?
You refused to participate in my bake sale!
I offered my brownies.
I don't care if it's legal, Stewart;
you will not sell drugs in my church!
Weed isn't even a drug.
I know Dan's the de facto butt stuff fella in these parts--
Hey! I like a one in the two.
I said "fella".
But butt stuff's pretty popular with the Christian youth.
- Shocker. - That too.
Basically anything that doesn't involve
penile/vaginal penetration.
Another way to protect their virginities.
Li'l life hack.
So, they say we can't have vaginal intercourse,
but we can--
Fire it up the pooper.
- Really? - Dance like nobody's watchin'.
To each his or her own.
- Now and then. - All right!
Enough with these sidebar conversations. Stewart!
Explain yourself in front of God, his son Jesus,
and all of his Idrises Elba!
(Both hissing)
- (Hissing) - Fine!
I grew up reading all the classics
of Lord Agatha Christie.
I don't think that's how that works.
- It's not. - Confirmed.
- Best friend. - And... (Sniffing)
...I can sniff out a murder plot a mile away!
Stewart the most sophisticated sense of smell.
Got any snooters?
No one was murdered.
- Irregardless! - Ugh.
Allow me to walk you through... a scenario.
Gettin' close to boar chop o'clock.
What brought all of these strange,
disparate people gathered in this room together today?
Why these people? And why...
(Inhales sharply) ...here?
I asked them to help me with the bake sale
'cause we're pals, and then some.
STEWART: Likely story.
BOTH: Likely story.
That's a likely story.
- Likely story. - That's a likely story!
But what about this one?
(Thunder crashing)
No one likes Glen and no one supports his church.
GLEN: Stewart, you know I can still hear you, right?
STEWART: I posit this!
Because no one really wanted to help Glen or his God
or any of his Idrises Elba,
everyone pretended to put their profits in the till,
but instead pocketed the money and kept it for themselves!
♪
There was no money to be stolen
because everyone kept their own profits.
♪
Therefore...
(Thunder crashing)
Roald!
The murderer is...
everyone!
No one was murdered, Stewart.
But wait, does that mean you all robbed me?
Me and Him? Capital H.
Isn't that just the plot of Murder on the Orient Express?
Oh, love that book, and the movie.
- Which one? - David Suchet all the way.
I didn't hate the new one. What up, Michelle Pfeiffer?
Yew!
- She is a masterpiece. - Mmm-hmm.
She can still get it.
Any time she wants it.
Any time.
(Laughing) Any... time... she wants... it.
So, What? You're telling me that you admit it?
You all robbed me, all at the same time, all at once.
- I got gang-banged?! - Of course not, Glen.
Oh my God, Tanis, I did not mean you.
You would never do that to me.
You're my best friend since forever.
Enough!
I did not say that's what happened!
I posited...
that that's how it could have happened!
But it didn't. (Inhales sharply)
Allow me to walk you through...
another scenario.
Do you know what docking is?
No.
(Thunder crashing)
Do youse have a stud finder?
I don't believe that's any of your fuckin' business.
Okoya suggests fastening the unit to the wall;
helps prevent it from tipping.
- Youse gots a stud finders? - Yeah.
Well, fuckin' point it over here;
I'll tell ya if it's working.
Everybody's got a stud finder joke.
I don't remember askin' how nots to tip stuffs.
Did you want the stud finder or not?
WAYNE: Well, fuckin' don't need one; already found 'em.
DAN: You let us worries about that.
Youse just worries about righty-tightys, leftys-looseys.
You're getting some nice furniture here.
DAN: I can see from here
the hardware's stripped from screwing it in once.
So, tells me again what we're gettings heres?
WAYNE: Another Allen key in the fuckin' junk drawer.
People seem to like it.
Know what else people seemed to like?
Boy bands.
This silly Swedish furniture is like boy bands:
it's hot for a second, sure,
but it's only a matter of time before you're a joke.
The screws get stripped pretty easily.
You could holds the thing together
better with fuckin' flour.
But it's good material otherwise.
WAYNE: What is?
GUNNER: This.
WAYNE: Well, I could piss a hole in that.
Hey, youse guys ever wonder what it would feel like
to wear a shirt that fuckin' fits?
- Tight pants kill sperms. - I don't want kids.
Well, fuckin' bet they don't want you either, bud.
We've got a couple of stud finders in the truck.
- You can have this one. - All right.
Well, don't point it over here; it'll fuckin' break right off.
KATY: Hang on. Glen,
what does the youth group need money for?
- Katy! - I've been to youth group
and all youse got is refreshments.
No more than $20 dollars,
more like $15 if you're cuttin' coupons.
So, where does the rest of it go?
Ask the Vatican.
If a Girl Guide or a Boy Scout
comes to the door selling cookies,
I know where the money's going -
sendin' kids camping and whatnot.
Or if a GI Jehovah comes to the door,
I know where the money's going -
cancelling Christmas and whatnot.
But youse don't go camping
and youse love Christmas.
So, I ask: what is the money for?
Katy, have you seen the price of Freshie lately?
Mm, they don't make that anymore.
Exactly!
You can get all the Freshie you want on the...
BOTH (Whispering): Dark web.
Coach!
Hi, Stewart.
You are an emotional basket case.
Well, I was unware you felt this way.
You have never recovered from the death of your wife.
Barb?
We all know her name, Coach.
Though, come to think of it, I don't know yours.
- Irregardless! - (Thunder crashing)
Coach, you're the angriest man we all know.
And then, no one bought any of your fruitcake.
That might be enough to push a man over the edge.
That might be enough to drive a man to murder!
♪
Ugh. No one got--
(Thunder crashing)
No one got murdered, Stewart!
I'm confused.
Is this supposed to be another Agatha Christie book?
Of course it is.
I don't recognize this plot at all.
Is it Evil Under The Sun?
- It's not The ABC Murders. - Ten Little Indians?
- (Inhales sharply) - She said it.
It's Death on the Nile!
- No, it isn't. - Yes it is!
Death on the Nile is about the poor couple
that kills the rich girl to take her money.
Hastily simplified, but yes.
Stewart, your Coach theory is nothing like Death on the Nile.
(Scoffing) It is a very close approximation.
- It's not. - Can confirm.
Coach!
What... say... you?
I didn't do that.
(Both scoffing) What a defence!
- What a defence! - What a defence!
BOTH: What a defence! What a defence! What a defence!
I was actually quite happy no one bought the fruit cake
because I found that in the pantry
and I don't even know how long it's been there.
- Coach... - No, guys,
it's much darker than that.
I, um... I guess...
a few months ago, I started hittin' the bottle pretty hard--
Anyhoo!
I don't think Coach did it, Stewart.
I didn't say that Coach did it, Rosie.
I said he might have done it.
No, you said he did it.
I posited! It was only a posit.
And allow me to... posit...
one... last...
- (Thunder crashing) - ...time.
- JENS: All done, gentleman. - DAN: Gots the times?
- Time to get a watch. - WAYNE: Don't get lippy.
There's that fuckin' lips agains.
- It's six o'clock. - Oh, he's learnin'.
Sure you don't want us to take this up to the bedroom?
Who said anything about a bedroom?
Well, they're bedside tables.
It's just a name, Jennifer.
DAN: They could just as easily be ends tables.
WAYNE: Could just as easily be a little table in the kitchen
to put the telephone on, maybe a little notepad.
DAN: Spend all day haulin' fuckin' boxes,
you should learn to thinks outsides of one.
So, you don't want us to take this inside?
- WAYNE: Sorted. - Okay.
All right, Dan, better fuckin' get it inside
before the wind blows it over.
Your tips.
Hey, thanks. I didn't see this coming.
- Want another one? - BOTH: Sure.
Be on time.
(Both laughing)
Now, what are we gonna do with this piece of shit?
Good Lord...
Christ sake.
This'll be the only time I offer you a screw.
I'll take it, good buddy. Alley-oop.
Clearly don't know anything about Agatha Christie!
(All shouting at once)
Fine!
(Inhales sharply) Allow for one last--
Last time I tell ya about the dramatic inhale, skid.
Hey, bitch!
GLEN: Ooh. Ooh.
(Grunting)
Who's the bitch now?
Bravo.
I was getting hiccups anyway.
Allow one last theory
because this theory...
is the truth.
(Thunder crashing)
♪
I was hurt - nay, offended -
when Glen rejected my offer of baked-baked goods.
ROALD: (Giggling) Good one, Stewart.
STEWART: Roald!
So, after everyone had packed up and left the church,
I snuck back in and stole the money myself!
♪
(Gasping) But, Stewart...
Yes, Roald?
Why? Why would you do all of this?
To see if I could get away with it...
and... I... did.
Curtain!
Curtain couldn't come soon enough.
Wait just a minute.
Curtain -
that's the name of the last Hercule Poirot book,
the one where the detective himself commits the murder
and then kills himself at the end.
- Exactly. - Ooh.
Are you gonna kill yourself now, Stewart?
(Chuckling) More lookin' at Coach for that.
Stewart, as a man of the cloth,
I cannot condone suicide.
However, I do recommend that you repent!
(Hissing)
Nah.
GLEN: Ugh.
So, how much is in there, Glen?
Well, if it's all here, and I certainly hope it is,
then we will have collected just shy of...
thirty dollars! And it's all here! Woo-hoo!
We listened to Stewart talk for what felt like two fiscal weeks
for thirty bucks?
Just shy of thirty bucks!
And... curtain.
I'd have a beer.
You're going so soon?
I owe my hick a boar chop supper.
- Ooh! Salt and pepper? - You got it, girl.
Tell boo I said what's up.
You got it, girl.
GLEN: But-- but wait.
We just reacquired all this money.
And what on earth am I gonna do with it all?
Ask the Vatican!
You know, again, this is not a Catholic church.
Okay, in the future, I would pay $50
to not have to listen to Stewart speak.
Oof. Amen to that.
But... ba-doop-boop-boop,
I just wanted to thank you for everything you did today,
bestie.
(Tanis groaning)
So, what's docking?
We can't do it.
Hmm.
Wanna soak?
Not in my pews.
(The Age of Electric "Enya")
♪
- How 'r' ya now? - Good, 'n you?
You wanna know what, I'm just gonna come right out and say it:
I'm half cut.
- I'll catch up. - Good enough.
What smells like boar chops?
Oh, might be boar chops.
- Might it? - Or it mightn't.
I thought we established that I owe you one?
Well, you like boar chops, right?
Love boar chops.
Well, I made you boar chops, Rosie.
Guess I'll have to make up for it after.
WAYNE: 'Kay.
You can wait a couple hours, right?
(Wayne grumbling)
(Both grumbling)
♪ Hide in your inner circle ♪
♪ Strength ain't muscle ♪
♪ Whatever makes it better ♪
♪ Hold onto your pride ♪
♪ In time, your faith will wither ♪
♪ Fucked up and gone ♪
♪ Hurt won't live forever ♪
♪
♪ Enya ♪
♪ In your garden ♪
♪ All of your angels gather ♪
♪ Taking you into hiding ♪
♪ Under their wings ♪
♪ Enya ♪
♪ In your saviour ♪
♪ Can you find hope for future ♪
♪ Where all fears and anger ♪
♪ Won't cloud your... ♪