You're hangin' a piss with your pals the other day...
(Urine splashing)
Sounds like a healthy streams there, Darys.
I'm told Italians have narrow urethras.
Then, from the sounds of it, Dary ain'ts Italian.
Might could be just a wee bit Italian by the sounds of it.
I thought only girls have urethras?
No. You're thinksin' of uteruses.
Uteri.
You know, I was told the Swiss shit black
because of all the chocolate they eat.
Only bad chocolate makes you shits blacks,
not good Swiss chocolates.
Well, like, if it was imported from another country, like...
Ireland.
- Scotlands. - Wonkaland.
I think Alexander might have a narrow urethra.
I was standing beside him, having a piss,
and I had finished mine before he'd even started his.
No. You're thinksin' of shy bladders.
He just stood there,
pullin' on it every few seconds.
I seen 'em bop it off the urinal one time,
trying to get 'er goin'.
Guys with shy bladders can only piss
if they're in the rights environments.
Well, like, warm or cold?
No. You're thinksin' of climates.
So, he couldn't have a piss right here with me?
He'd likelys prefers not to.
Peoples with shy bladders can't piss at the urinals
if someone's standing next to them.
It's like a stage frights things.
Like a stand your ground or run away type thing?
No. You're thinksin' fights or flights.
Well, how do you rock a piss?
Well, peoples with shy bladders
gots to be awares of all the available washrooms, likelys.
Like the CIA has to be aware
of all the available exits for the president.
No. You're thinksin' of the Secret Services.
'Kay.
But, you know, I imagines, if you have a shy bladder,
your brains is kinds of like the Secret Service
and your horn's kind of like the President.
Potamus?
No. You're thinksin' of POTUSes.
Isn't that something?
The Secret Service organizes everythings for the POTUSes.
Yeah, POTUS doesn't have much of a choice there, but, well,
he's the one who wanted to be leader of the free world, so...
Imagine you work your way up secret serving,
and then you get assigned a detail to protect POTUS,
and then, all you're doing is just clearing bathrooms
for him and his shy bladder.
Hey, check yourself.
Any detail those dudes get assigned is a fuckin' honour.
- I think so's toos. - Ask any one of them.
Yeah, they'd be happy with any details you gives 'em.
I think I'd try to switch details
- with another secret server. - I don't think that's
how presidentials details works theres, Darys.
Alright, riddle me this - let's say you work your way
all the way up to being a secret server,
what are you gonna do then? Huh?
Gonna go to the POTUS, say you don't like your detail?
That you want another secret server's detail?
Don't be surprise they take away your details altogether.
You'd be scrubbing the ship's commodes.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Old boss is always a dick till you meet the new one.
You'll be dreaming of the old boss' dick.
Fuckin' leader of the free world.
If I was a secret servers, I'd be happy to help the POTUSes
in any ways he neededs.
So, he's not standing there,
boppin' his wiener off the urinal like Alexander.
Why doesn't he just use the handicap bathroom?
- Complete privacy. - Oh, that's uncouth.
Yeah. I don't think the secret servers would think
that's a very good looks for the POTUSes.
Why doesn't the Secret Service just clear the bathroom
entirely? That way, you don't have to check
- if anybody's in there. - Listen, I don't know about
youse, but that sounds an awful lot to me like abuse of power.
The POTUS has gots to bes for the peoples.
Well, what if the Secret Service hired guys with shy bladders
to secretly serve?
So, they could empathize with the POTUSes?
- Yeah. - No chance in hell.
- Why not? - Don't ask, don't tell.
You think the Secret Service ever kicked a guy off the can,
so the president could rock a piss?
Not unless he's trying to flush a vote down the toilet.
Can you imagine if the POTUSes had a shy bladders
and was Italians?
Talks about doubles troubles.
Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!
Well, fuck, the Secret Service
would have their hands full then, boy!
I'm told Italians have narrow urethras.
♪
Youse wanna see some butt-fuckery?
Not particularly.
- No. - Yes.
No, no, no.
Made its way back to me twice already.
Two separate sources.
- Fuck a duck. - Uh-huh.
What's the frequency, Kenneth?
Nude o'clock.
(Chuckling) Prove it.
Of Gail.
- BOTH: Nope. - Well, I'd still take a gander.
- Cool it. - No James Van Der-peeking.
It ain't Dawson's crack.
I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over.
Just show it to me.
Mind your scruples, Dary.
Does Gail know?
En route to her now.
Sending nudes has becomes very populars
amongst the youngs peoples these days.
Shouldn't take pictures of yourself.
Sending nudes is one thing. Get after it.
Yeah, let your freak flag fly.
Leaking nudes is another.
Don't take pictures of yourself at the gym.
I mean, show it to a pal or two on your phone,
have a giggle, but don't send it to a pal. Fuckin' nerds.
It ought to be punishable by castration.
Straight up.
What? Like a bilaterals orchidectomys?
I don't give a shit!
You should lose your balls for leaking nudes.
And then,
a picture of your nut-less ball sack
should be sent to everyone you sent the nude to.
Hey, bud, you ever see that video
of that dude who's sittin' on stage
and crosses his leg and crushes his nut?
Oh, what? This one?
(Chuckling)
Well, Katy, boys will be boys and--
Exactly! That is exactly what you are.
If you send a naked picture of the girl you're having sex with
to your pals, you are a boy.
Well... how are we gonna fuck this pig?
One: locate culprit.
Two: delete evidence. And three...
Yes, and three...
Vigilante justice.
That's the spirit, big brother.
No. No, I think I...
Well, I think I just got stung by a bee.
(Electronic dance music playing)
♪
Ooh... (Breathing heavily)
Ooh. You feel that?
- What? - Heat.
You don't think it's a bit brisk today?
Heat. Cop nip. All eyes on me.
We're in the centre of the ring, just like a circus.
There's too much heat on our names.
Fools out here blowing up our spot.
Yeah, finna' catch a body.
What you sayin', shot caller?
What would fools do, if we didn't deal anymore?
What would we do?
- Well, we would still deal. - Oh, okay.
But under the guise of a proxy.
And on top of taking the heat off of our name,
he would be able to inflate the prices,
charging fools whatever premium suits us.
A proxy?
Can we call it "Operation: Goldiprox?"
Operation: Proxic Relationship.
Operation: Smallprox?
Operation: Longprox On The Beach.
Operation: Safety Deposit Prox.
That would take the heat off our names.
But who would help us in such a matter?
Or any matter, for that matter?
(Gasping) Operation: Bagels With Prox.
BOTH: 'Sup.
NM, NM. You?
We out here.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
- Sure you right. - You know what it is?
Hype.
It's, uh, Goldstein?
Yeah. AKA: Billfold-stein,
legend of oldstein, never paroled-stein,
never controlled-stein, a story untoldstein.
We are...
Sir Patrick Stewart, Gary Roaldman.
So, what you know about extra-curricular activities?
I've been known to enrol in the after school curriculum.
Lead guitar in a contraband?
Got a phernalia.
Shit, I even got a pair-a-phernalia.
Stewart's making drug references.
I just want to make sure that that's what you're doing.
Roald up the rim to win, you... can be sure.
Do you want some?
- Now? - Yes.
- Free.
Free weed?
(Scoffing) Watchu talkin' bout weed?
Khalifa, the Goblin, the Dojo.
I meant free rips.
Rips? Whatchu talkin' bout rips?
The lines, the linos, the devil's dandruff.
No. That's-- That's not kosher.
Weed isn't even a drug.
Yes, it is.
When you're six.
You must have been a troubled six-year-old.
It's not a drug, though. It's weed.
Actually, it is very commonly referred to as
the gateway drug.
Gateway to salt 'n' vinnies
and pocketing other peoples' lighters.
(Both laughing)
What are you guys, the joint task force?
We have a business proposition!
- Word? - Sure you right.
- You know what it is. - Hype.
You will sell for us in order to inflate the prices
and take the heat off of our names.
- Why me? - You're our chosen person.
Because I'm one of the chosen people?
- Precisely. - So, because I'm Jewish,
you think I'm business-minded and money-minded?
- BOTH: No! - No, no, no.
- BOTH: What? - I-I...
- What? - I don't see religion.
- No, 'cause I am. - BOTH: That's good for you.
That's really good for you. Because that had nothing...
We didn't even talk about it-- That had nothing to do--
I didn't know you were Jewish. Jewish?
Couldn't tell?
- Consider it a Mitzvah. - A Mitzvah.
BOTH: Mitzvah. Mitzvah. Mitzvah.
I do this Mitzvah in exchange for drugs?
Free drugs.
Ah. Win-win.
- Sure you right. - You know what it is.
Hype.
Bonnie, how are ya now?
- Pissed 'n you? - Not so bad.
- What are you lookin' at ther-- - Not now, Daryl.
What are you looking at?
The best way to remove a man's balls from his body.
We're all over it, Bonno.
And now, so am I.
- Gailers here? - Liquor run.
Where do you stand in all of this, Bonnie?
Bro, you leak a pic, you lose your dick.
Look, all I'm saying is that maybe we should follow
the money around and take a little look--
So, wheres dos we starts?
Youse don't. We got this.
We'll be back when it's sorted.
Well, should we get hammered then?
I'd get hammered.
I's never tried an Aperol Spritz.
So, where do we start?
Dealer's choice.
Well...
my brother's kind of a piece of shit.
- Hey! - How 'r you now?
- Not s'bad.
- (Speaking auctioneer babble) - 'Kay.
- McMurrays... - Rosie.
There's a leaked nude of my cousint circulating around town
and we're looking for who's behind it.
Oh. So, what are we talkin' about here? Tits?
Beaver? Li'l beaver cleaver?
One of them over-the-shoulder shots
into the mirror with a li'l bit of backside?
- Tits and beav? - Ooh. Did you see her split?
Maybe one of those bent over shots into the mirror
you just get a li'l peek-a-boo of her split?
MCMURRAY: Yeah, a little split sampler?
Little split sample platter?
Little split mingler?
Ew.
Well, who's got it?
Yeah. Let's have a li'l peek-a-boo.
That's what I always say.
If it wasn't sent to you, it wasn't meant for you!
Let's have a cock suckin' gin and tonic, then.
- So you haven't seen it? - Well, not yet,
but the suspense is killing me!
Now, now, Baby, maybe don't get your hopes up.
You know what they say: the bigger the build-up,
the shittier the movie.
So you don't know who leaked it?
No, but if I was youse,
I'd be looking directly at Jimmy Dickskin.
(Gasping)
What do you have against Jim Dickens?
He's too tall, that's all I know!
Too tall to be trusted!
Don't believe a word he says. It's all tall tales!
He was the last one to crawl up that skin slide,
so don't youse stand here waving your fingers at me.
- Jim Dickens is a good guy. - With values.
He would never do anything like that.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day!
- Huh? - Do the math!
Do you have anything to say to that?
As it turns out,
I will not be joining you for an afternoon hot tub.
Know anything about this, Jim?
Miss Gail and I have had a courtship in the past,
but if I ever circulated a naked photo of a woman
who trusted me with her body,
I would voluntarily permit that woman to cut off my genitals
and then thank her for the kindness!
There's some good ones left.
- Yeah. - You know what,
give me one good reason why we ought to believe that,
you redwood-lookin' beanstalk,
cell phone tower-lookin' sombitch?
He looks a bit like Jeff Goldblum.
You want one good reason? I'll give you one.
And after that, I'll give you two.
And then after that, I'll give you three good reasons...
(All speaking auctioneer babble)
Cool it!
Ladies,
the concept of eagerly oversharing
an explicit photograph resonates,
to me, as childlike behaviour.
Yup. Boys.
There are two boys who come to mind straight out the gate.
Yeah. I guess they should have been our first stop.
Fuckin' bell tower, corn silo, giraffe ass, space needle,
fuckin' sumbitch.
Yeah! Fuck you, Dickskin, you fuckin' boreal forest sequoia.
Dickens!
Like Charles!
- Avi. - Fruit Roald Up.
- Goldstein. - Kristen Stewart.
Have you considered our proposal?
I sell your drugs in exchange for free drugs?
Weed. Free weed.
Yeah, the drug weed.
You mean the no longer controlled substance weed?
The reason for immense unnecessary incarceration weed.
Oh, you mean cannabis? The dioecious flower?
If you mean cannabis,
the flower with psychoactive effects, then yes!
Yeah, psychoactive effects, such as minor feelings of euphoria
and intense desire for dill picklers.
Ugh! You guys should really watch Narcos Mexico.
- You can't even die from it! - Quite the opposite, actually!
It can help you live.
My point exactly! It's medicinal.
And recreational!
Perhaps we were wrong about you!
- Perhaps you were! - Allow me to mediate!
I'll allow it.
I'll allow it first. Universal Roaldier...
Stewart, you have asked Mr. Goldstein to sell drugs
for us at an elevated price to take heat off our names.
And Mr. Goldstein,
you have been offered free skunk bud indica
in exchange for these services.
Now, the agreement is all but signed.
What must transpire between these two entities
in order to close this deal? (Chuckling)
Avi, you have the floor.
Thank you, Advil Roald and Flu.
Now, Tylenol Cold and Stew,
I will head your sales team...
when you admit that weed is, in fact, a drug.
(Giggling)
But, Stewart, I mean,
don't you remember the... the thrill
of hiding weed in your locker at school
and knowing that, if you got caught,
oh, you'd get in trouble?
Cha. Junior kindergarten was a riot.
But I mean, don't you remember
the excitement of bringing it home
and hiding it in your undie drawer,
so your mom couldn't find it?
Well, my mom was hiding it in her undie drawer...
unsuccessfully.
ROALD: But don't you remember...
when Katy came to you for the first time... for weed?
The excitement...
of when she asked you to meet her after school
in that hedge with the big hole in it?
Ooh, it was so secret.
And sexual.
Sure.
But do you remember...
what she called you?
Her first drug dealer.
Goldstein...
Winnie the Stew...
You will sell our rips
and, in exchange, we will provide a free
and unlimited supply of the...
...drug... marijuana.
Hype. Two conditions.
One: weed up front.
(Snapping)
Toda raba.
Done. Two?
I need your reassurance that these drugs
have not been tampered with.
Tampered with?
Yeah. Cut up with anything not advertised,
Roald To Perdition.
Our stuff is safe to play with.
Rated "E" for everyone.
Then, yes. We have a deal.
Wondrous!
You will post up outside of the dollar store,
and we... will herd customers your way.
That's what's up, Hasidic Stew.
- Sure you right. - You know what it is.
Hype.
- DAN: Alexanders. - DARY: How 'r ya now?
Life is like toilet paper -
you're either on a roll or taking crap off someone.
Where you headed, bud?
Gonna bop my wiener off the urinals a couple times.
- Booty nude? - Yeah.
I didn't even know you could do it slo-mo.
- Sniper. - Other snipe.
Wayne's sweetie.
Is there a naked photo of my cousint on your phone?
- Who's your cousint. - Gail.
Oh, yeah. Sorry, boys.
Too many conkies.
- You've only had five. - Yeah.
Most people wouldn't consider that too many conkies.
Yeah. I might be forgetting a conkies, bro.
Most people would agree that is a side effect of conkies.
Anyhoo... I don't know.
You don't know?
I'm the conky tonk man.
You're trying to tell me
that you're not sure if you have a naked photo of Gail -
the Gail - on your phone?
I've got so many naked photos of broadskis on my phone,
I don't know where it begins or where it ends.
Yeah. My camera roll include recent nudes, favourite nudes,
portrait nudes, slo-mo nudes, time lapse nudes,
and my recently deleted folder is exclusively nudes.
It's tough to 86 a nude.
Yeah. Some you wish you could axe immediately.
Yeah. I figured out how to delete the calculator
and the heart monitor app off my phone
to make more room for incoming nudes.
(Chuckling)
But, you know, even if we were sendeded it,
we wouldn't have sended it to the boys.
That is like... bad.
Colour me pleasantly surprised, boys.
I mean, we'd show it to them, obviously,
twice if they asked.
We just wouldn't, you know, sended it to them.
And there it is.
Perhaps the skids could go on the dark web
and figure out who it was.
Worth a shot.
But if you do do that,
please don't tell them about our stash of nudes
because dark web dudes have the means to snatch those from us.
Yeah, and we'd get in trouble with our billet parents.
Don't worry.
We won't sended-ed-ed them that information.
BOTH: Nert-nert!
(Electronic music playing)
♪ Ahh ♪ Goldstein.
- Campbell's Chunky Stew. - Hi, Avi!
Roald to Avonlea. 'Sup.
- You know what it is. - Ah, but in case you don't:
were you able to disperse our rips in exchange for...
This Boba Fat stack?
- Whoa! - Oh, wow!
How?
Rather not talk about it, Rod Stewart.
Please?
Maybe for you, Roald & the Beautiful.
You see, I devised a plan of my own.
- That's not part of the plan. - No, but check it out.
I sold to your regulars, but for their regular price.
Fair is fair.
This plan of yours to inflate the prices,
it just didn't add up meth-amatically speaking.
And trust me, I know a lot about math
because my dad was an accountant,
and that's like third best job you can get as a Jew.
- You're Jewish. - Are you Jewish?
We didn't even know it. But what are the first two jobs?
Doctor and lawyer are tied for first,
and then member of the Beastie Boys.
- Sure Shot. - So What'cha Want?
What I did instead was I hit up my cousint Shlomi.
He's the on campus dealer at the Yeshiva in Toronto.
- What's a Yeshiva? - Oh, it's like--
It's like the same as school,
but with a primary focus on bible studies,
also less girls.
(Chuckling) Okay.
Yeah.
Told him I had a handle on some good shit,
named my price and he bought it all.
Jews work together, my goy.
L'Chaim.
I sense trickery.
Just... treatery.
How surreptitiously clandestine of you.
Oh, bee-tee-dubs, one of the guys you sent over -
really smelly dude, kinda smelled like unused,
- stacked cardboard boxes... - (Roald sighing)
...yeah, showed me a nude of Gail from the bar. Yeah.
Had a really dumb name, something like...
'Jiggly Puff Pat'. Something like that.
Anyways, you might want to give your buddy a heads up
he's a proper degen.
Jivin' Pete.
Yes. He is a proper degen.
We will be sure to pass that information
on to the right people.
But, in the meantime,
to the bar for an alcohol induced jubilation.
Drinks on me.
You guys go ahead.
I don't want to be late for Shabbos dinner.
Bubbie's making brisket; I'm about to fuck up with my mouth.
Ooh...
Goldstein...
it was a pleasure.
Roald, Milstew, keep it tight.
(Making airplane noise)
(Making explosion sound)
- Shirt tuckers. - Shirt tuckerettes.
There's something going around town,
linked to my cousint Gail. What do you know?
I know it wouldn't be the first time something went around town
linked to your cousint Gail.
So that was true?
- (Quietly) Yeah. - Speak!
(Scoffing) Snitches get stitches.
- (Grunting) - Snitch or you'll need them.
Tighter. (Yelping)
It was Jivin' Pete!
Are youse coming in?
Need to offset the degen population in here.
He's gotta be in there.
Gail's gotta know first.
- Yeah. - Yeah, that's what I thought.
(Rock music playing)
Gail, how 'r ya now?
- Good 'n you? - Oh, I'm not s'bad.
- Cousint. - Cousint.
Heard youse been having my back around town.
ALL: Can confirm.
So you know it was Jivin' Pete.
I sent it to him.
Did you... fuck Jivin' Pete, Gailer?
No. I just sent him a nude.
But I've fucked worse.
I once had it off with the four day shift guys at Timmies
'cause they offered me a real... Double-Double.
You know what that is, Wayne?
- No. - Anyways,
I was home with a cold 'cause cough syrup makes me horny,
and I needed someone to play carpenter with.
- What's that? - It's a game.
How does ones plays carpenters, Gails?
Only two rules. One: we get hammered.
Two: you nail me. (Grunting)
Gail, you need Jesus.
Good thinking. Best carpenter there ever was.
So what happened?
Greasy degen was slipping and sliding all up in my DMs,
so I sent him a little something to wail on it to.
Cousint, aren't you mad he went around town
showing it to everyone?
Mad? Fucker did all my marketing for me.
Like an analog Tinder profile, going off left and right,
showing me off to every dangling dong in town.
My phone's burning up.
That nude... is my business card.
You see it, Daryl?
No, and when I tried to look at it--
Cool it.
I'll just piss a little in his drink.
I'll do it for you.
Just gimme a few minutes to bop it off the urinus.
Well, how you wanna fuck this pig?
(Whispering indistinctly)
Sometimes you've gotta kill 'em with kindness.
(Amyl and The Sniffers "Hertz")
♪
♪ I wanna go see the country ♪
♪ I want to get out of here ♪
♪ I'm sick of looking at graffiti ♪
♪ On the walls of the grey walls, the city ♪
♪ I want to drive in the countryside ♪
♪ I want the breeze in my hair ♪
♪ I am touching your leg and... ♪
♪ I have my hand in your hand ♪
♪ Take me to the beach, take me to the country ♪
♪ Climb in the backseat, if you love me ♪
♪ Hire me a car ♪
♪ I wanna go driving ♪
♪ Climb in the backseat, that's where you'll find me ♪
♪ I see mosquitoes, they buzz past ♪
♪ Your hand is in mine ♪
♪ I look out the window, it looks stunning ♪
♪ To see the sun is setting in the sky ♪
♪ Everyone is wavin' out the window ♪
♪ It's like they're excited we're here ♪
♪ I stopped by the fish and chips shop ♪
♪ They act like mates, it makes me cheer ♪
♪ Take me to the beach ♪
♪ Take me to the country ♪
♪ Climb in the backseat, if you love me ♪
♪ Hire me a car ♪
♪ I wanna go driving ♪
♪ Climb in the backseat ♪
♪ That's where you'll find me ♪
♪
♪ I want you to love me ♪
♪
♪ Do you love me? ♪
♪