You were having a dart with your pals the other day...
DAN: Tanis is off the darts, eh?
- WAYNE: Is she really? - DARY: How'd she manage that?
Said she was reading an articles in Canadian Livings,
or... or maybe it was Chatelaines.
Could have just as easily been Chatelaine.
- Or Flare. - Oh, maybe it was Flares.
Could have just as easily been.
Either way, she was reads-ing an article
that posed the questions, "Whens was the last times
youse reallys enjoyeds a darts?"
Well, I gotta say that I'm enjoying this dart quite a bit
- right here. - This is a great dart.
Yeah. I was just thinking there ain't nothing wrong
with the darts I'm havings right nows.
Like, I know you're not supposed to like them.
- Who's "you"? - And they tell you
- that they're bad for you. - Who's "they"?
But it's just like...
quit telling me what I shouldn't like.
I think youse just became theys.
So don't go telling me what I shouldn't like.
Who you fucking talking to, bud?
I was just thinkings, I can'ts--
I can'ts remembers a darts I didn'ts enjoys.
Well, it's like, if you're not going to enjoy the dart,
then just don't have the dart.
Well, yeah. That's the power that you have over the darts.
They try to tell you that that's the power
the darts have over you.
Fuck. They's got a big mouth.
They's starting to piss me off!
Well, just because I think that, you know,
it's you running to the store all the time
and spending your hard-earned money on the darts,
rather than the other way around.
(Chuckling) Kind of funny, though,
the thought of darts going to the store for you.
They don't think so, eh?
DAN: What would you says is the darts yous most enjoyeds?
Oh. (Chuckling)
We've had a lot of great darts over the years.
I've always enjoyed that first dart
- when you step off an airplane. - That's a great dart.
No better pair than a coffee and a dart.
WAYNE: Fucking not even a piss and a fart.
DARY: But if I have to say the dart that I enjoyed the most--
- DAN: Evers? - Yeah.
If I have to say the dart that I enjoyed the most ever,
it would be the first dart I ever had.
Geez, I don't remember that dart
being such a good darts for mes.
Oh, I coughed so God damn bad.
Well, it was the first time I'd ever had sex.
DAN, WAYNE: Oh.
- If you lay it out like that. - Changed my fucking mind.
- That'd be a damned good dart. - Context. Yeah.
Wee bit cliché, though, lighting up a darts after sex, though,
- don't you thinks? - Well, I had heard
that you're supposed to lay with them for a little while
before you go get cleaned up, so I figured I'd have a dart.
Better not be darting in bed if I'm doing up the linens.
It's just that I'd seen people in movies smoke
so many times after sex that I thought
that's what you were 'exposed' to do.
DAN: Oh, no.
Same thing goes with the sex beforehand.
I just did what I'd seen so many times in porno movies,
and it turns out that is not what you're exposed to do.
- WAYNE: No. - I thinks the best darts
I ever had was the series of darts I'd smokes after school,
playing cards with my Aunt Ethels.
But mind you, Ethels would call darts fags,
and I expose there's a certain amount of charm
to that language coming outs of the right mouths.
Oh, context. Yeah.
What about you, Wayne?
(Wayne grunting)
You okays, good buddies?
(Grunting) Just like...
getting a wee bit emotional here
with all this talk of great darts.
DAN: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Been a lot of great fucking darts over the years.
WAYNE: ...think about them a lot, so...
Only can really think about them so much, though.
You think about who's been there for you.
Yeah. Right there in the breast pocket there.
Fucking great darts.
Do you want to know what? You kinda enjoy them all equally,
and if you didn't, you wouldn't smoke them.
So hold your judgement, because at the end of the day,
I could put down darts a lot faster
than you could put down the fucking internet.
♪
How's Jivin' doing?
WAYNE: You're late, bud!
You're late, bud.
You're late, bud!
You're late, bud.
Bale of hay could kill a man!
WAYNE: It's fucking barley!
He'll figure it out.
Don't cuts him too much slacks, good buddies.
Bend enough and you'll break.
I'd have never hired him in the first place.
When a friend asks for help, you help him.
- No friend of mine. - Oh, look at that.
Guy who got exiled for two years
after getting written up in the paper for mailbox stealing
doesn't believe in second chances.
Hey, Katy? Katy?
What are those?
What, these?
See you got some new high-tops there.
These don't need an introduction.
What are you trying to fucking...
you trying to fucking start a punk band or--
- Skas band? - Skinhead?
Sticks and stones, boys. Docs are timeless fashion,
and timeless fashion never goes out of style.
Okay. So, what are you, a fucking...
fucking dairy-free ice cream eater or--
- Going to smoke a pipe next? - Oi! Oi! Oi!
Style tips from Mark's Work fucking Warehouse. I love it.
DAN: Alright, but does you really wants to be... that guy?
Youse guys don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
What's wrong with being known for something?
Oh, nothings, nothings...
if'n it's a good thing.
Yeah, there was a while there that I was thinking
about rocking a chain wallet, but didn't want to be that guy.
Same with me when I had my nipples ring.
- I was that guy. - How'd you get that out?
- You was there. - Was I really?
I mean, it's like the time I wanted to get cat-eye glasses,
but I didn't want to be that guy.
Same with bangs.
Oh, my God.
Should I get bangs?
GUYS: (In monotone) Yes. You should get bangs.
It's not the right time.
- Should I get bangs? - Dudes don't get bangs.
- Wayne has bangs. - Docs are different, though.
Docs are iconic.
- You doing Kegels over there? - What's that?
Why are you squinting so much?
Future's bright.
I've been noticing you doing that a lot more recently.
I've noticed you doing it a wee bits more than usuals, toos,
- good buddies. - No. I think you're squinting
just the perfect amount there, good buddy.
You're having trouble seeing, aren't you?
Got a bright future.
When was the last time you went to the optom-al-myth?
Oh, that'd be our class trip to Dr. McDavid's.
- As in Grade 2? - Grade 1.
- Grade 1! - What's the problem, Katy?
- I'm making you an appointment. - Don't you got
a fucking Warped Tour to get to or something?
Why don't you go play fucking rockabilly, fucking steampunk?
- Fucking dance of the skanks. - Fucking going straight edge.
WAYNE: Get outta here, you fucking stage diver!
Say, where's Dr. McDavid?
Dr. McDavid my grandpa, or Dr. McDavid my dad?
- The doctors McDavid. - Golf course. Or Legion.
Yeah, 'cause I was just thinking you're kind of young
- to be a doctor, eh? - I think when you get
to a certain age, everyone seems young.
Good enough.
So, do you want the good news first or the bad news?
- Bad. - You're dying.
- I'll get my affairs in order. - There's no bad news.
Some people with your vision get glasses,
and some people don't.
Well, then I'll save a buck.
What prompted you to get your eyes checked?
I'm told I squint too much.
- You got a bright future. - Thank you for your help.
But if the sun's bothering you--
Well, the sun doesn't bother me.
--I could apply your prescription
to a very stylish pair of sunglasses.
Hmm...
You playing shortstop or second?
- Eh? - Left field?
- Mind your beeswax. - A little brisk out
for beach volleyballs theres, good buddies.
Little warm for '80s night on the slopes.
I could shake my head in these all day.
- They won't come off. - Prove it.
You look like you're about to rip a Tour De France.
Look like Lance Armstrong if he did even more steroids.
You look like the guy who's gonna say something racist
into camera at a live-on-location news broadcast.
I thought Jivin' Pete was exposed to bes heres.
(Groaning)
- What? - Now, I'll shake my head.
- He's fucking up. - How late is he this times?
- Doesn't matter. - Late is late.
Yeah. If you're not 10 minutes early, you're late.
He smells like a brewery all morning
and a dispensary all afternoon.
Smells like he pissed on a campfire and stood in the smoke.
Look who's talking.
Tried to show me a nude of a gal he had on his phone,
and I said, "I, sirs, ams a feminist."
- Don't be that guy. - Yeah.
Definitely don't be that guy.
Oh... Do you want to know what?
- I feel bad for him. - Who the fuck are you?
Like, I'm not getting soft or anything. Just, like--
You're a fanny pack full of cotton balls.
It's like, it's likely not easy getting yourself sorted
after you been off smoking meth for half a fucking decade.
You're a chocolate marshmallow Santa.
- Here he is, doing it. - You're baby hair, bud.
Just can't get out of his own way.
You know what? I think those sunglasses
are a wee bit tight on your brain, big brother.
But I ams a feminists.
Good, Dan. Girls love that.
Well, I was told they don't.
WAYNE: Want to know what? Fuck it.
I got to do something, because he's fucking useless.
- He is risen. - Yeah.
He's fucking up lots, good buddy.
Yeah. Shared those nude pictures of Gails.
- Abandoned his dog. - Now, he's late
every fucking day, and then you give him a second chance.
- And what does he do? - Smells like a brewery
all morning and a dispensary all afternoon.
- Time to cut him loose. - I'll do something like that.
- There he is. - Just, uh...
don't like to kick people when they're down.
But... I ams a feminists.
Never want to get your dick sucked again, then, eh, bud?
"I Speak Feminist."
Yo. This guy likes to party.
You're not that guy, are you?
I will no longers bes brow- beatens because of my beliefs.
I'm a feminist, sirs, and prouds ofs it.
You know you can be one without screaming it
in everybody's face, though, right?
Those who shout the loudest have the most to hide.
- Same thing goes for gals, too. - (Yelling) Huh?
There's no rights or wrongs ways to bes a feminists.
You mansplaining, bud?
Never.
Hey, boys.
- There's womens presents. - Okay, fine. Hey, guys.
- That's not better. - Fuck off.
- So, it's my birthday week-- - Sorry. What?
It's my birthday week,
and I want to celebrate it with everyone I care about.
So, I was wondering if you all would meet me here tonight
to celebrate the best birthday week ever.
- You're that guy? - What guy?
The guy who makes way too big a deal out of his own birthday.
Only 13-year-old girls can use
the expression "birthday week," you Sally.
- I got this, buddy. - Thanks, bud.
Look. It's just been a really--
It's just been a really tough week for everyone,
with the degens fucking with us again--
Degens are fucking with youse, too?
Tibadoo got a job driving the Zamboni,
but he didn't show up for work,
and we had to play our beer league game in an inch of snow.
- Fuck youse, Tibadoos. - And I just--
I just think a birthday week party
is what we all need right now.
- Huh? - And you're that guy?
(Hesitantly) Yes?
The guy who knows what we all need right now?
What next? Anything that that brings you
mild satisfaction is everything?
And anyone doing anything remotely relatable
is "all of us"?
Gail, the new hand soap you got in the bathroom
gives me life.
Oh, my God, Katy. That video you posted
of Gus sleeping beside his bowl is such a mood.
You're not a tabloid magazine's Twitter account.
Stop talking like that.
Well, none of this changes the fact
that I still want to make, uh, my birthday week--
ALL: Don't say "birthday week"!
I wasn't going to!
Birthday.
But I do really want to make a week out of it, so...
We'll come to your birthday party.
- Thank you. - You're early.
If you're not 10 minutes early, you're late.
Fucking A, ma fille.
Anik, it's my birthday week, so I was--
- Don't be that guy. - Okay.
- Hi, Anik. - Bonjour, Daryl.
(Snapping)
Did youse know that those little top ponies
are still a thing with dudes in Quebec?
REILLY: Like a-- like a top knot?
GAIL: Kind of, but gnarlier.
Like a little nubbin up there.
Hmm. You don't say.
DAN: Nothing wrong with a guy shows-ing his feminine side,
- sirs, especially-- - No.
- No. Okay. - I was watching
some hockey fights from the Quebec senior league,
and I picked out two dozen of those little nubbins
in the crowd.
REILLY: Nubbin.
Oh.
Now, there's a way things run around here,
and your work ethic is slowing up production.
Okay.
I can see you're trying to turn over a new leaf and all that,
and I'm trying to help you,
but you're not reliable.
Okay.
Feels to me like there might be a problem.
I wonder if it mightn't be a bad idea
for you to take some time and get that sorted.
You firing me?
Did I say I was firing you?
Okay.
Jivin's saying some shit about you.
And we know it's not true,
but we want you to know it's being said.
He came to us for some contraband
an hour or so ago, and he was indignant,
irked, ireful, ill-tempered!
He said you called us fags.
We know you wouldn't say that, so...
We just wanted you to know it was being said.
(Vehicle approaching)
MCMURRAY: Wayne.
How are you, now?
- Good, and you? - Not so bad.
Wayne, Jivin' come to the house looking for a hot tub.
Now, he's an old pal, so,
you know, I entertained the idea,
but then he had the audacity, the little rat bastard,
to say that when he was here working with youse,
that youse guys were saying you'd like to fuck my old lady,
Mrs. McMurray!
Now, I know you wouldn't say it.
I'm just letting you know, it's being said.
We know you wouldn't say it.
But, like... if you did...
(Vehicle approaching)
(Truck doors closing)
Jivin' was talking shit about you in the MoDean's parking lot.
Dan went to punched him. He ducked out.
Dary went to chase him, but he couldn't catch him.
Well, that's the difference
between a friend and a pal.
A pal will listen to someone talk shit about you.
A friend won't hear a second of it.
Degens are back.
Degens ain't welcomes.
How we going to fuck this pig?
Hi.
Daryl!
What?
You're that guy?
(Both laughing)
BOTH: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- I tried to tell him. - Nothing wrongs
with showings your feminine sides, Darys.
Take your hair down, you fucking woman.
You going to rip some Ultimate later?
- You mean Ultimate Frisbee? - Guess not.
If you were, you would know they just call it Ultimate.
You going for glamour shots later or something?
Well, okay. You said dudes from Quebec
have tiny little top knots up there, so I thought maybe--
Daryl.
Mm. Hello, Anik.
Trying something new?
This? Oh. (Chuckling) You noticed.
You look like all my cousints.
(Skids laughing)
- That was hot. - That was...
It's good to be known for something, Daryl.
And there is nothing wrong with being... that guy.
For instance, I wear a bowler hat.
(Snapping) I'm that guy.
Yeah, and I wear a bandana. I'm that guy.
Thank you, skids.
Just don't be...
BOTH: That guy!
(Both laughing)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hey, Gails, what guys are youse?
- In a town this size? - Yeah.
- The black guy. - The great David Beckham
could barely pull that off, you fool.
Bender like Beckham. (Laughing)
Hilarious coming from A Clockwork Orange.
- What? - KATY: They're right.
You're no Jon Snow, bud.
Don't you have a Mighty Mighty Bosstones show to get to?
I'm more of a Rancid gal.
What's with the hat, Dan?
- I, sirs, am-- - Just kidding.
- I don't give a fuck. - Why would you ask him, then?
That was so rude!
(All talking at once)
(Angrily talking over each other)
(Spitting)
What happens now, Wayne?
You start walking in this direction,
or you start running in the other one.
Yeah? You going to chase me?
No. You've done what you've done.
And if you want to humiliate yourself
right here in front of all your pals
by not taking responsibility for it when the time's come...
well, that's enough for me.
And what if we just beat the shit out of you
right here and right now?
I'm not leaving here without some sort of resolution.
I came to work every single day,
and I poured my heart and soul into that job.
And you tell me I'm slowing up production
to try to fire me?
I never said I was firing you.
I've been chore-ing 20 years!
Twenty years, and no one's ever told me
I was slowing up production in my life!
So maybe you ought to take a good, hard look in the mirror,
do some thinking about which one of us is the real problem,
because the only person with an issue here... is you.
Youse have upset a lot of people in town.
Yeah? Well, it's a good thing I'm from upcountry.
But in spite of all that--
Despite.
- Despite what? - Never mind.
In spite of all that,
I'm going to give you a little pass,
prove to you I'm not the man you think I am!
So, go. Go, go, go.
Gather up some of your pals,
and when youse are ready to sort this out...
we'll be right here waiting.
(Brendan Canning "Plugged In")
♪
♪ What comes of... (Singing indistinctly) ♪
♪ Too much waiting... ♪
(Singing indistinctly)
♪ ...not working ♪
♪ Your way is to... ♪
♪ A holiday ♪
♪ The holidays ♪
♪ I can take ♪
♪
♪ Same ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ As me ♪
♪ Please come here ♪
(Singing indistinctly)
♪ Words keep on wanting ♪
♪ The points to ♪
♪ The message ♪
♪ No more messages ♪
♪ I can take ♪
♪
♪ Fella ♪
♪
♪ Today is what... ♪
♪ Is done ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Your holiday ♪
♪ No more holidays ♪
♪ I can take ♪
♪
♪ Fella ♪
♪