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WAYNE:
Previously on Letterkenny...
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[Dan farting]
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‐ That was well brought up.
Too bad you weren't.
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[farts from computer]
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‐ Those are cat farts.
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[farts overlapping]
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‐ Oh! There's one knocking.
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[farts continue]
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‐ [farts]
‐ [groaning]
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[farts continue]
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[fart fades in and out]
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‐ Guess what?
‐ Chicken butt.
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[farts continue]
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‐ What is your guys'
fascination with farts?
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[grunts]
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[farts continue]
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JONESY: Fuck!
‐ [squeaky farts]
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‐ [low fart]
DAN: Sorries.
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[farts continue]
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JONESY: Fuck.
‐ [farts continue]
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[Dan farting]
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[Daryl chuckles]
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♪ theme music playing ♪
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‐ Glen came by the produce stand
wanting some plants today.
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‐ Is that his way of asking for weed?
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‐ There's no way Glen smokes
the sublime ragtime.
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‐ That's kinda hard to imagine,
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a man of the cloth smoking
a devil's dart.
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‐ I don't smoke weed anymore.
‐ Or any less.
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‐ But what did he want?
‐ Azaleas.
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‐ I got a friend Kayla sells Azaleas.
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Westphalia Azaleas.
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‐ Could she mail ya an Azalea?
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‐ Well, I told him that Azaleas grow wild
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down by the river on the Azalea banks.
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‐ You could always go down a side road
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and get 'em on the honor system
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at the end of the lane way
to the Mennonapper's house.
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‐ Yeah, there's a Dutch napper, Iggy.
He's got 'em.
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‐ Oh, that's right. Iggy Azaleas.
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‐ Yup. Used to have a shop
in St. Jacob's, too.
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Named it after his son, Brandon's.
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‐ That's right. Brandon Flowers.
DARYL: Hmm.
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What'd Glen want Azaleas for?
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‐ Says he got a part‐time gig
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managing the Letterkenny
cable access TV studio,
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wants to do some decorating.
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‐ Does anyone even use that?
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‐ I seem to remember a dude named Jono,
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had himselfs a visions.
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‐ You're gonna wanna nuke that,
big brother.
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‐ Late for fuckin' steak night.
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‐ Nukes a steaks?
‐ And Berta beef, no less.
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‐ Gordon Ramsay'd fucking spit.
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‐ He's a good guy.
‐ He's a real good guy.
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‐ He's a great guy, but he's a hair guy.
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‐ What's a hair guy?
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‐ Well, a guy with hair, likely.
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‐ A guy who spends
too much time on his hair.
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‐ Oh, yeah. Ramsay's a hair guy.
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‐ Look, Ramsay cooks a great steak,
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great quail, stews and what have you.
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It's like you wanna
like him and everything,
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but every time you look at him,
all you can think about is him
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Biebering into the mirror
fuckin' with his hair
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to make it stand up like that.
He'd be like,
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[yelling in British accent]
"This is fucking rotten!"
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[in normal voice]
Pull your finger outta your ass.
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‐ [in British accent]
"You say the food's great,
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"people love it.
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I am shitting myself, you fucking twat!"
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‐ [in British accent]
"No! I am not here to tell you
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"not to put raw onions
in the fucking French onion soup,
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you fucking useless bell end!"
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‐ Hmm? Choosing a hairstyle
is complicated.
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‐ No, it isn't.
‐ It isn't?
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‐ You get it wet, then you let it dry.
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‐ [in normal voice] So first,
you comes in lates for suppers
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and now we gotta listens to you
slagging a true culinary artisans?
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‐ I'm sorry I'm late for supper.
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‐ Yeah, why were you late?
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‐ Too much chorin' to do.
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‐ No more than any other year,
last time I checked.
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‐ [in normal voice]
Mmm. Berta beef, no less.
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‐ It's 'cause every farmer
with an acreage or an operation
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inside two townships
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is callin' me for advice on this
or help with that, fuck.
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‐ Like who?
‐ McMurray calls me not once,
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not twice,
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but thrice a day.
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‐ McMurray's a piece of shit.
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‐ When a friend asks for help,
you help him.
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‐ Just tell him you're busy.
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‐ When a friend asks for help,
you help him.
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‐ Good buddies.
‐ Squirrelly Dan.
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DAN: Glen came by earlier
looking for Azaleas.
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‐ Well, tell him to go Iggy Azaleas.
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‐ Or Azalea banks.
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‐ Is Brandon Flowers still open?
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‐ He was looking for flowers to decorate
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the Letterkenny cable access TV studios.
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‐ You're better to go
Iggy Azaleas for interiors.
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‐ You should start yourself up
an agricultural consulting show.
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You know, people can call you up,
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you devotes an hour a week
to taking calls,
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helping people out with their problems,
and then you got it licked,
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and you have the rest of the week
to do your own chorin's.
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‐ Yeah. We could help you out,
good buddy.
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‐ Well, how would you get the word out?
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‐ Well, you put it
on your fucking Facebook.
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‐ Fuck Facebook.
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‐ You wanna know what?
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Yeah, all right.
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DARYL:
McMurray's a piece of shit.
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‐ I am as God made me.
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‐ Your shirt's too small,
is all I'm saying.
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‐ Presentlys.
‐ So...
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I heard youse are starting
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your own agricultural consulting show
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'cause apparently I call youse too much.
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‐ Did you say that?
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‐ I added some smirk emojis.
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‐ Well, I'll have youse know
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that I, McMurray, am
the most resilient farmer
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inside of two townships
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and I'm gonna prove it
by starting my own call‐in show.
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‐ Well, time's a bit tight here,
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so maybe just do it after ours?
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‐ I was already gonna.
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‐ Ooh. Not exactly
The Dini Petty Show in here, is it?
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‐ [chuckles]
WAYNE: Yeah, Glen,
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your studio's a bit of a holler.
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‐ Okay. It's one thing when I say it,
but I don't love it when you say it.
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‐ It beats the Franks D'Angelo shows.
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‐ Nothing beats Jonovision.
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‐ Is there a bar in here?
‐ Wayne!
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You are lookin' cuter
than a little beaver pup today.
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‐ Beaver pups are called kits.
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‐ McMurray, why don't you go
back to the green room
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so I can let Wayne here get processed
through hair and make‐up?
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‐ Pass.
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‐ I'll just takes a little bits of rouge
to add some contours to my cheekbones.
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‐ And wardrobe.
‐ I'm already in it.
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‐ But your friend Dary showed up
in his barn clothes!
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‐ I am as God made me.
‐ Yes!
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I, McMurray,
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shall wait in the green room
like a professional.
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‐ McMurray, also, I think you might need
a little bit of wardrobe processing, too,
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'cause I'm not sure what happened
but your shirt shrunk.
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And you know what, it's distracting me.
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Pop it right off.
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‐ Oh!
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Why don't youse hang around
after your show
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to watch my show to see how
a real pro does a call‐in show?
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‐ Why don't you say "show" again?
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‐ Hope you packed
some showmanship, Wayne.
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‐ Atta boy.
‐ Now, Wayne, admittedly,
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I do not know a whole heck of a lot
about a call‐in show,
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but it strikes me that it is complicated.
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‐ No, it isn't.
‐ It isn't?
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‐ People call in with their questions,
and then you answer them.
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‐ Ooh, stripped down.
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Bare‐bones. I like it.
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Speaking of stripping and bones,
why don't you pop that shirt right off?
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‐ Katy, can you help us
screen callers for nut sacks?
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‐ That's a Texas size 10‐4.
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‐ Thank you.
‐ [laughs loudly]
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‐ Screening your callers,
huh, Wayne?
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Why don't youse hang around
after your show
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to see how a real professional
respects his audience.
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‐ All right, McMurray. Less talk,
and more popping that shirt off. Go away.
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McMURRAY: Can't work
under these conditions.
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[imitating train]
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[toots horn]
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‐ Can't really screen for nut sacks
if they're already in the studio.
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‐ Hickolodeon!
‐ Huh?
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‐ For the title.
We saw on Facebook that you're making
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an agricultural call‐in show
and we thought...
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‐ Hickolodeon!
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‐ Get the fuck outta here.
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[phone ringing]
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‐ Hello? Yeah, I'll put you in the queue.
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‐ They need music.
‐ Like a theme song!
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‐ Why do youse care?
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‐ We are in the platinum age
of television.
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I must subscribe.
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[phone ringing]
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‐ Hello?
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Yeah, I'll put you in the queue.
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‐ Phone lines are already fuego.
‐ Fi‐ya filled.
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‐ We need something bold.
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Something that sonically
insists we are serious.
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A new astral plane of euphoric bliss.
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‐ Scribble down into some catstep
with some unlicensed samples?
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[gasps] White labels?
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‐ Why don't we just dig out
our Lilith Fair CDs
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00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:23,360
and calm the crowd with
a vintage set of ecto‐folk.
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‐ Giant step‐through fat pants
and rip into some Midwestern fidget juke?
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‐ Frick!
200
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,743
Why don't we just beat juggle
some laptopist new jack swing?
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[phone ringing]
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‐ Wayne, the camera hates plaid.
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‐ 'Kay.
‐ Also adds ten pounds.
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00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:38,333
Aren't you sassy, Miss Camera.
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00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,835
She's a bit of a cow.
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‐ Can we smoke in here?
‐ No.
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Okay. I've got a shirtless Mr. McMurray
in the green room who has agreed,
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00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:46,800
very generously,
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to let you wear his
Mr. Clean‐style white T‐shirt.
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Now, may I also recommend
that you try on
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this Mr. Clean‐style gold hoop earring
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00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,642
together...
‐ Five minutes!
213
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:57,394
‐ Oh, God. Oh, none of this is gonna work.
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00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:58,937
We don't have time for any of it. Okay.
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00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,398
I need to go take some stills
of Mr. McMurray.
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00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,151
I say still, but it may move.
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00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,861
[camera shutter clicks]
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00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:06,945
McMurray!
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00:08:08,614 --> 00:08:10,490
[phone ringing]
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00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,117
‐ I'll add you to the queue.
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00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:14,953
‐ Here comes a rumble
of Tampa Bay booty trance.
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00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,830
‐ NuSkool anthem acid breaks.
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00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:17,956
‐ If you beat juggle two‐step,
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00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:19,541
you get a four‐step
which blends perfectly
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00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:21,543
in a sped‐up Manc baggy B‐sides.
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00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,754
‐ Get 'em ankled to a set
of ex‐pat Rio funk.
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00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:25,172
‐ CanCon 40% rule,
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00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:28,175
let's go panoramic Labrador toughcore.
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‐ Oh, Miss Katy,
I am loving this look for you.
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00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:33,013
You're all like, "Hello, operator,
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00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:35,265
"I'd like to make a person‐to‐person
phone call, please,
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"trans‐Atlantic to my sister in Chicago.
233
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"We're so worried about her husband.
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We haven't heard from him
since the Battle of the Bulge."
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‐ Thank you, Glen.
‐ You're welcome.
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[phone ringing]
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00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,734
‐ I'll add you to the queue.
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00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,070
‐ Paradise Garage‐era
12‐inch extended mixes
239
00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:50,113
of spoken word historical speeches.
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00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:51,740
‐ Jump‐up liquid Rotterdam
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and then rip into some hot horn
242
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,743
for a sweaty sax break.
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[gasps]
Restaurantica?
244
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:57,829
‐ Atmospherica?
‐ Modern lounge.
245
00:08:57,829 --> 00:08:59,581
‐ [phone ringing]
‐ Fuck gastro‐house.
246
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:00,707
‐ I'll add you to the queue.
247
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,417
‐ I get a rash from
harsh metals on my skin,
248
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:04,127
so can I just hold this on the outside?
249
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:05,587
‐ No!
‐ Hello?
250
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:10,092
‐ Now, you'd never be
that soft on air, eh?
251
00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:12,052
‐ [phone ringing]
‐ Monterrey hip‐house cassingles.
252
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,220
‐ Hello?
‐ Step into straight edge
253
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,680
progressive tribal coldwave.
254
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,306
‐ You just take the reins off the hops
255
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:17,975
and we'll jump in when you
needs us, good buddies.
256
00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:18,976
‐ Got 'er, good buddy.
257
00:09:18,976 --> 00:09:20,769
‐ Adding you to the queue. Hello?
‐ [phone ringing]
258
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,521
‐ C‐86 Nu NRG Goa Garage!
259
00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,398
‐ Ramadan symphonic soca screamo.
260
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,482
‐ Katy?
‐ One minute.
261
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,859
‐ Can I have my shirt back, please?
262
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:29,403
And my fuckin' pants too!
263
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:31,822
Preacher!
264
00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:33,699
‐ [phone ringing]
‐ Hello?
265
00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:35,534
‐ Gospel‐inspired power pop psy‐funk.
266
00:09:35,534 --> 00:09:37,786
‐ Trombone‐based zydeco hardstyle bangers.
267
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:38,996
‐ Adding you to the queue.
268
00:09:38,996 --> 00:09:40,664
‐ African Italo K‐pop.
‐ J‐tek minimal gloomcore.
269
00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:43,375
‐ Katy?
‐ Glen, you're very good at this job.
270
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:45,919
‐ Oh, why thank you.
I actually have a degree in management.
271
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,172
‐ What kind?
‐ Micro. Time!
272
00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:49,548
‐ Uh, 10 seconds.
273
00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:51,383
‐ Quiet on set! Ring the bell!
274
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:53,385
[bell ringing]
275
00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:54,928
‐ No surf psych a capella?
276
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,305
‐ No north coast fiddle funk?
277
00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:57,639
‐ [shushes]
‐ [gasps]
278
00:09:57,639 --> 00:10:00,392
‐ All right. In three, two...
279
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,237
‐ [mouthing] And go.
280
00:10:14,907 --> 00:10:15,866
‐ You all right?
281
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,163
‐ Uh, like... Likely means we can go.
282
00:10:21,163 --> 00:10:23,081
‐ All right. Right on.
283
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:26,960
Um, well, the show's called,
uh, Crack an Ag,
284
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,838
and, um... "Ag" spelt A‐G.
285
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,507
‐ Yeah, like "Agriculture."
286
00:10:31,507 --> 00:10:33,258
It's what we decided to call the show.
287
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,179
It's what we decided
to call the call‐in show, so...
288
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,474
‐ So, youse can calls‐in
with your questions
289
00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:42,684
and we will helps you if we cans.
290
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,478
‐ But, uh, before we get started,
291
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,147
uh, I just wanna... I...
292
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,816
Thank my sister Katy here.
You know, she's in, uh...
293
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,777
This booth
in the back there and,
294
00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:53,820
uh, you know, she's gonna
take your calls.
295
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:57,324
She's gonna help us take your calls,
so we can help youse, so.
296
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,451
‐ Yeah, I'd just like to thank
a few people as well...
297
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:00,661
‐ No. No. No.
‐ ...before we start...
298
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,329
‐ We're gonna do the rest
of the thank yous
299
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,122
at the end of the show.
‐ Yeah, we'll probably thank
300
00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,457
a bunch of people
at the end of the show.
301
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,084
‐ Or we would just be
thanking people all show.
302
00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:07,918
[Wayne muttering]
303
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:10,546
‐ Um...
304
00:11:10,546 --> 00:11:13,966
[mouthing words]
305
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,218
Is that for me?
306
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,303
‐ [mouthing] Take... Phone!
307
00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:21,598
‐ Let's take a call.
‐ What's that?
308
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:26,061
‐ Uh, uh, we're going
to take a call now. Stop.
309
00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:27,396
‐ [cell phone ringing]
‐ Yeah, all right.
310
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,941
‐ Turn off your fudging phones!
311
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,025
‐ That's embarrassing.
312
00:11:32,818 --> 00:11:35,571
‐ We have Brett Nichol on the line.
313
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,072
‐ Is he really?
KATY: Yeah.
314
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,076
‐ Well, can he hear us?
BRETT: I can hear yas.
315
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:42,035
‐ Right on.
316
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:45,289
‐ Bretzky!
‐ You don't need to yell.
317
00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:47,124
He can hear you just fine.
318
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:48,083
‐ Right on.
319
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,627
Right on.
320
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:52,379
BRETT: Youse still there?
‐ Yup.
321
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,339
BRETT:
Right on.
322
00:11:55,424 --> 00:11:57,301
‐ Bretzky?
BRETT: How are ya now?
323
00:11:57,301 --> 00:11:58,969
‐ Oh, good. And you?
BRETT: Not so bad.
324
00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:01,138
‐ Right on.
325
00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:03,515
Say, did I hear you're
coaching this year, or... ?
326
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:04,850
BRETT:
That's the plan.
327
00:12:04,850 --> 00:12:06,685
‐ [muttering]
‐ Where's Blaker playing?
328
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,897
BRETT: Looking like Ripley.
‐ Oh.
329
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,315
‐ Eh, Ripley's after him then, eh?
330
00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:13,442
‐ I hear they're loading up.
BRETT: Yup.
331
00:12:13,442 --> 00:12:16,195
‐ Uh, is Teddy heading
back up north, or... ?
332
00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:18,655
BRETT: No, no. He'll be in Guelph.
Brianna's there, so.
333
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,449
‐ Well, Brianna's been there
for a couple of years now.
334
00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:21,533
‐ That's right. That's cool.
335
00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:22,951
‐ What's Mac doing?
336
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,953
BRETT: Mac's reffin' now.
‐ Is he really?
337
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,455
BRETT: Yup.
‐ Right on.
338
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,708
Uh, we'll...
339
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:32,544
Uh, Bretzky, the show's
called Crack an Ag, and...
340
00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:34,838
I bet you can't, so.
341
00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:36,465
BRETT: Thanks.
‐ You bet.
342
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,010
‐ Uh, hows can we helps yas?
‐ Don't touch.
343
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:42,054
BRETT:
Well, chainsaws aren't going through shit.
344
00:12:42,054 --> 00:12:44,056
‐ How big?
BRETT: Guide bar?
345
00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:45,140
‐ No, your horn.
346
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,100
[Dan, Brett, and Daryl snicker]
347
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,894
BRETT:
Yeah, guide bar's a 18‐inch.
348
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:50,354
‐ Just a little guy then.
BRETT: Yeah.
349
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,523
‐ Well, how long ya had it?
350
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,733
BRETT:
Two seasons.
351
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,610
‐ Where are you takesin'
it to get sharpened?
352
00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:58,737
BRETT: I sharpen it myself.
‐ Oh, no.
353
00:12:58,737 --> 00:12:59,988
‐ What, you never take it in for that?
354
00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:01,782
BRETT: No.
WAYNE: Oh, I mean...
355
00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:03,534
I don't know.
356
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:05,619
I might take it in
for a new chain altogether.
357
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:07,371
‐ If you takes it in,
you should bring your axe too,
358
00:13:07,371 --> 00:13:09,164
'cause they'll, they'll sharpen
that up for 10 bucks.
359
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:10,582
‐ Yeah, nine‐ten bucks.
‐ Yeah, you know,
360
00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:12,793
like, you know, nine plus tax,
about, 'bout 10 bucks.
361
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:15,212
‐ That's how they get ya on the‐‐
the sign that say nine bucks.
362
00:13:15,212 --> 00:13:16,296
‐ Oh, yeah.
‐ And then,
363
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,422
that's how they get you to come in.
364
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:18,465
Nine bucks is better than 10 bucks.
365
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,716
‐ Coming and going, you know?
366
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,510
You know? I don't like...
367
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:23,428
change, so, just 10 bucks.
WAYNE: Mmm.
368
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,348
BRETT: Thought I was maybe
sharpening it wrong.
369
00:13:26,348 --> 00:13:27,975
[Dan sighs]
370
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,394
‐ Could anybody tell him...
‐ No.
371
00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:32,688
A career sawyer wouldn't even
have that mastered, no.
372
00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:34,606
‐ No. No. No.
BRETT: Oh, no!
373
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,358
‐ Well, he'd be the first one
to tell you that, too.
374
00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:39,319
‐ You ever hear about,
uh, sawyer's fatigue?
375
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,279
BRETT:
No.
376
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:42,781
‐ Uh, that's a real thing, so, you know...
377
00:13:43,574 --> 00:13:44,700
Stay alert.
378
00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:47,536
‐ Well, I don't know...
379
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,914
Sounds like you should
take it in, Bretzky.
380
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:53,333
BRETT: That's what I'll do.
‐ Right on.
381
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,962
‐ Tell, uh... Tell Pete
and Mary‐Anne we said hi.
382
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:59,047
BRETT: Will do.
‐ Okay.
383
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,674
‐ Well, all right.
BRETT: Talk to ya.
384
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,801
‐ Yup, talk to ya.
‐ [hangs up]
385
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,428
[mouthing]
386
00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:07,347
‐ We have Matt Merkley on the phone.
387
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,183
‐ Is he really?
KATY: Yeah.
388
00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:11,727
‐ Merkley!
389
00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:15,230
McMURRAY:
Tip of the dong, the teats, the tats.
390
00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,857
Tip of the dong, the teats, the tats.
391
00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:20,736
Tip of the dong, the...
[exercises vocal cords]
392
00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:22,154
[blows raspberry]
393
00:14:23,197 --> 00:14:24,990
Patch 'em in, preacher!
394
00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:25,949
‐ Okay.
395
00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:28,285
McMURRAY:
Welcome, caller.
396
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:32,414
You've joined an Agri‐Cult.
397
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:34,166
CALLER:
Hey, first time long time over here.
398
00:14:34,166 --> 00:14:37,461
‐ Well, that's just not possible,
but okay.
399
00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:39,463
CALLER: Hey, McMurray, you still
farmin' chickens, eh?
400
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:41,548
‐ Oh. Chicken breed by day.
401
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:42,674
Chicken dance by night.
402
00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:43,717
CALLER:
So, let me ask ya.
403
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,011
Ya ever fuck Mrs. McMurray
in the chicken coop?
404
00:14:46,011 --> 00:14:47,554
‐ [gasps]
‐ Huh?
405
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,514
CALLER:
'Cause I'll tell ya,
406
00:14:48,514 --> 00:14:50,557
that's the first place
I'd be fuckin' your wife.
407
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,892
‐ Oh, my Lord.
408
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:54,019
‐ I will slap the yellow off of your teeth
409
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:56,021
and your belly, you sumbitch!
410
00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:59,066
Hang up, preacher. Next caller.
‐ [hangs up]
411
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:00,359
CALLER 2:
I love the show, McMurray.
412
00:15:00,359 --> 00:15:02,653
It's really pulled me out of
some dark places along the way.
413
00:15:02,653 --> 00:15:04,154
‐ What?
‐ Well,
414
00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:06,657
you've joined an Agri‐Cult.
415
00:15:06,657 --> 00:15:08,575
CALLER 2:
Yeah, I got a question about husbandry.
416
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,744
McMURRAY:
You've come to the right place.
417
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:14,289
We raise animals for meat, milk, eggs...
418
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:16,667
CALLER 2: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I meant you as a husband.
419
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,627
Why the fuck would Mrs. McMurray
420
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,546
marry a piece of shit like you?
421
00:15:20,546 --> 00:15:21,964
She's an 11 out of 10,
422
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:24,800
but that decision downgrades
her to an even dime.
423
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,134
‐ Fuck you!
424
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,887
I will find out where you are,
you sumbitch.
425
00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:29,888
Hang up, preacher!
426
00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:30,931
[hangs up]
427
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,140
Next caller!
428
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,977
I'd like to remind the callers at home
429
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:37,396
that this is an agricultural show.
430
00:15:37,396 --> 00:15:40,816
Please keep the questions ag‐related.
431
00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:42,150
Thank you.
432
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:43,277
Welcome, caller.
433
00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:46,655
You've joined an Agri‐cult.
434
00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,990
CALLER 3:
Hey, hi, McMurray.
435
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,950
What's the best way
to connect a three‐point hitch?
436
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:52,619
‐ When connecting your trailer to
your tractor with a classic...
437
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:53,996
CALLER 3:
No, no. I was actually wondering
438
00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:55,622
how you think the best way
to get your wife
439
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:56,915
and balls‐hot sister
440
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:58,542
into a hot, sweaty three‐way would be.
441
00:15:58,542 --> 00:16:00,919
I'm talking about
some real hot fuck action!
442
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,005
‐ Fuck!
‐ Oh, no!
443
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:05,174
CALLER 3: That's right,
I'll fuck 'em long dick style!
444
00:16:05,174 --> 00:16:07,259
‐ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
445
00:16:07,259 --> 00:16:08,635
Hang up, preacher!
446
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,345
‐ Okay.
‐ [dial tone]
447
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:12,598
‐ Fuck you, fuck youse. Next...
448
00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:14,474
fucking caller!
449
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,809
CALLER 4:
Hey, McMurray. Just... [groans]
450
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,144
I was jerking off to your wife right now.
451
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,520
If you could help me
cross the finish line,
452
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:19,771
how does your wife orgasm?
453
00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:21,356
Is it like a high‐pitched squeal
454
00:16:21,356 --> 00:16:23,984
or is it more like a [groans]
a low groan? And, thanks, buddy.
455
00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:26,403
‐ I'm gonna make you
squeal like a pig
456
00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:28,488
in a positraction El Camino!
457
00:16:29,323 --> 00:16:31,575
‐ Oh, no! Hands off Iggy's Azaleas!
458
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:39,166
♪ Hey Willy, hey Willy ♪
459
00:16:39,416 --> 00:16:41,502
‐ Fuck that shit.
460
00:16:41,502 --> 00:16:43,420
‐ Fuckin' I'm kinda looking
forward to the next one.
461
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,463
That was a good time today.
462
00:16:44,463 --> 00:16:45,839
‐ Well, it was a real good time.
463
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,716
‐ It was a great time.
‐ I should say, good buddies.
464
00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:49,968
‐ Now, are you sure you won't
reconsider the theme song?
465
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,845
I've got rare, a big beat Christmas
466
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:54,640
crunk Record Store Day‐only
seven‐inch from Discogs.
467
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,391
‐ Do you mean Disco Gs?
‐ [hisses]
468
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:57,726
‐ I think we're sorted.
469
00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,896
‐ How about new age abstract
gangsta big band?
470
00:17:00,896 --> 00:17:03,357
‐ NuSkool old wave downbeat rock‐a‐booty?
471
00:17:03,357 --> 00:17:05,234
‐ Shut the fuck up!
472
00:17:05,234 --> 00:17:07,444
‐ So, you enjoying your
engagement party there, good buddy?
473
00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:09,655
‐ Looks more like a stump burn
to me, good buddy.
474
00:17:09,655 --> 00:17:11,657
‐ Well, we're all heres
'cause youse gots engaged.
475
00:17:11,657 --> 00:17:14,743
‐ Well, I'm here because we got
a big fuck‐off stump to burn.
476
00:17:15,244 --> 00:17:16,537
‐ More to that, buddy.
477
00:17:16,537 --> 00:17:18,664
‐ He's not your buddy.
478
00:17:18,664 --> 00:17:20,624
‐ Well, seeing as marriage
is complicated...
479
00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:21,917
‐ No, it isn't.
‐ It isn't?
480
00:17:21,917 --> 00:17:24,545
‐ You decide you're gonna spend
the rest of your life with someone,
481
00:17:24,545 --> 00:17:26,129
and then you do it.
482
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:27,756
‐ What I think he's trying to say is
483
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:30,717
you can only smash one woman
for the rest of your life.
484
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,427
‐ Hence the decision
to make her his wifes.
485
00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:34,721
‐ For life.
‐ It's a super important concern, bro.
486
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,598
‐ Thanks, bro.
‐ [bottles clink]
487
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:40,477
‐ But my question was
more along the lines of,
488
00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:43,772
could we now try and smash babes
that you've already smashed?
489
00:17:45,566 --> 00:17:46,984
Because, I mean, we know the code, bro.
490
00:17:46,984 --> 00:17:48,068
‐ He's not your bro.
491
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:50,112
‐ Oh, yeah. If you wanna
talk code, we know it, boys.
492
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,488
‐ Yeah, and name one person
493
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:53,782
who knows the code better than us.
494
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:54,867
Yeah, go ahead, I'll wait.
495
00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:56,577
‐ Why don't you say "code" again, bud.
496
00:17:56,577 --> 00:17:58,245
‐ More like Pearl Jam's No Code.
497
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,873
‐ Atta boy.
‐ What's bro code?
498
00:18:00,873 --> 00:18:04,751
‐ The bro code is
you never smash a bro's girlfriend...
499
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,378
‐ Or ex‐girlfriend.
500
00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:08,130
But that's only bro code‐ish.
501
00:18:09,173 --> 00:18:10,841
‐ And I think that's it.
‐ Yeah, that's it.
502
00:18:10,841 --> 00:18:12,301
‐ Don't make any sense.
503
00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:14,720
‐ But seeing as you've now
hung them up permanently...
504
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,805
‐ I would philander with Tanis so fast.
505
00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:18,682
‐ You couldn't wheel Tanis, you pylon.
506
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:20,684
‐ Buddy, you couldn't wheel
a fuckin' tire down a hill.
507
00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:22,186
‐ You haven't seen his dick.
508
00:18:22,186 --> 00:18:23,395
‐ Neither have you.
509
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:25,480
‐ You'll just have to
take that up with Tanis.
510
00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:28,025
‐ So, what about the...
511
00:18:28,025 --> 00:18:29,568
‐ Angie who?
512
00:18:29,568 --> 00:18:31,695
‐ Sick, buddy. I'd love to smash her.
513
00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:32,821
‐ Sick, boys.
514
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,448
I'll see if she wants
to smash right after this.
515
00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:35,699
REILLY: Yeah.
‐ [Jonesy chuckles]
516
00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:37,242
‐ So, I guess that leaves, uh...
517
00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:40,954
‐ Rosie. Rosie O'Donnell was
on Howard Stern the other day
518
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,539
and she's a damn good interview.
519
00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:44,208
‐ Well, everybody's good on Stern.
520
00:18:44,208 --> 00:18:46,376
GAIL: Couldn't help
but catch a bit of the convo.
521
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:49,087
Just 'cause you're married
doesn't mean you can't
522
00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,298
smash a whole bunch of people.
523
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,342
McMURRAY:
I can confirm.
524
00:18:53,342 --> 00:18:55,010
MARIE‐FRED:
Hell of an engagement party.
525
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:56,094
Merci.
526
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,596
‐ Looks more like a stump burn to me.
527
00:18:57,596 --> 00:19:00,098
‐ Big brother, we're all here
for your engagement.
528
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,475
‐ Well, I'm here because we got a...
529
00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:04,019
‐ Big fuck‐off stump burn.
Reviens‐en.
530
00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:05,979
‐ [imitates shotgun cocking]
KATY: Oh, yeah?
531
00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:07,481
You like Puppers?
‐ Yeah, I like Puppers.
532
00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,316
‐ You like Gus 'n Bru?
‐ I like Gus 'n Bru.
533
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:12,611
‐ Well, let's raise a glass.
534
00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:19,326
To Marie‐Fred and Wayne
settling down, as they say.
535
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,286
‐ Droppin' anchor.
‐ Without a doubtin' it.
536
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:22,996
‐ It's a life‐o‐suction, buddy.
537
00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:24,414
‐ Bending over backwards, boys.
538
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:25,666
‐ Ignoring statistics.
539
00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:27,543
‐ [crying] Becoming one!
540
00:19:27,543 --> 00:19:29,378
‐ You must consummate the marriage!
541
00:19:29,378 --> 00:19:32,005
‐ Hear, hear!
‐ [bottles clinking]
542
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:35,133
GLEN: Oh! Oh, no! Am I late
for the engagement party?
543
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,677
‐ It's a stump burn.
544
00:19:36,677 --> 00:19:39,471
‐ You must consummate the marriage.
545
00:19:39,471 --> 00:19:40,639
‐ Yeah, we covered that.
546
00:19:40,639 --> 00:19:42,724
‐ Well, thanks for coming, everybody.
547
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:43,851
Let's get fuckin' hammered.
548
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:48,438
[no audible dialogue]
549
00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,190
DAN: I, uh...
550
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:52,860
I brought a little bits of aviation fuel
for the occasion.
551
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:53,735
‐ Oh!
552
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:55,654
‐ We throw some aviation fuel
on the cocksucker?
553
00:19:55,654 --> 00:19:57,155
‐ Fuckin' I'm surprised we're not puttin'
554
00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,824
aviation fuel on the cocksucker
right now!
555
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,411
‐ Let's get fucking reckless, boys.
556
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:04,538
REILLY:
Let's put gasoline on a fire!
557
00:20:04,538 --> 00:20:07,666
["Hey Willy" by Shannon
and the Clams playing]
558
00:20:07,666 --> 00:20:11,253
♪ Well, don't you
Know 'bout us? ♪
559
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:14,506
♪ Our secret love? ♪
560
00:20:15,549 --> 00:20:17,718
♪ We both learned pain ♪
561
00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:20,304
♪ When we were young ♪
562
00:20:20,304 --> 00:20:23,390
♪ Once upon a time ♪
563
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:26,685
♪ We were high and free ♪
564
00:20:26,685 --> 00:20:29,771
♪ Then this old war ♪
565
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:32,774
♪ Come runnin' for me ♪
566
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:37,446
♪ Then the draft man come ♪
567
00:20:37,446 --> 00:20:39,698
♪ I left and went on the run ♪
568
00:20:40,949 --> 00:20:43,410
♪ I know that you were too young ♪
569
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:47,164
♪ To know why I went away ♪
570
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:49,249
♪ Hey Willy, hey Willy ♪
571
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:52,544
♪ You've got yourself a girl ♪
572
00:20:53,587 --> 00:20:55,672
♪ Hey Willy, hey Willy ♪
573
00:20:56,798 --> 00:20:59,009
♪ Been lonely in this world ♪
574
00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:02,304
♪ You know, you know ♪