1
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,282
<i>AMY: I'm Amy Mitchell,
and I'm a mom.</i>

2
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,208
<i>I had my first kid
when I was 20 years old,</i>

3
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,408
and I've been
running late ever since.

4
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,856
<i>My days are filled with
dropping the kids at school...</i>

5
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:18,881
Love you.

6
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,403
<i>Then racing to work
where I have meeting,</i>

7
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,648
<i>after meeting, after meeting.</i>

8
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:27,084
<i>I usually end up eating
a shitty lunch at my desk,</i>

9
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,649
<i>and I try to work
out once a week.</i>

10
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,805
<i>(SIGHS)
Why do I suck at Zumba?</i>

11
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:37,085
<i>Most days, I race back to
school for the kids' plays,</i>

12
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,441
<i>and poetry readings
and class projects...</i>

13
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,440
Mom!

14
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,320
<i>- Which I'm always late for.
(MOUTHING) Sorry.</i>

15
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,050
<i>And then there's PTA meetings,</i>

16
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,926
<i>and volunteering and
parent-teacher conferences.</i>

17
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,646
<i>Jesus, Miss Wiggins
fuckin' hates me.</i>

18
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:56,442
<i>At least once a day, I feel like
the worst mom in the world,</i>

19
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:57,965
<i>and I cry in my car.</i>

20
00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,684
(WAILING)

21
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,605
<i>Then I shuttle the kids to
piano lessons and soccer games</i>

22
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,409
<i>and dance classes
and doctors' appointments,</i>

23
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,488
<i>before my daily trip
to the grocery store.</i>

24
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,241
Ugh.

25
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,005
<i>This chick seems like
she's got it all figured out.</i>

26
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,370
<i>But I feel like I'm
screwing up all the time.</i>

27
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,608
<i>Still, I love being a mom.</i>

28
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,776
Here, baby. There's your
organic turkey club sandwich,

29
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,644
and Dylan, here's your peanut-free
peanut butter for lunch.

30
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:22,816
What's peanut-free
peanut butter?

31
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:23,841
I have no idea.

32
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,931
Baby, here's your American
history project I made you.

33
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,041
I hope you like it.

34
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,522
I love you.
I love you!

35
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,002
Oh, my God, Mom!
Not so loud! My God.

36
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,889
I love my babies so much!

37
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,365
God, they hate me.

38
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,166
Hey, Amy!

39
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,685
Hey, guys.

40
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,168
God, I just don't
know how you do it.

41
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,969
You just leave your kids all day

42
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,121
and go to work?

43
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,361
You're so strong.

44
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,325
Yeah, thank you.

45
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,283
Don't you miss them?

46
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,650
I do. But I also
need, like, money.

47
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:56,881
Right.
STACY: Hmm.

48
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,769
Oh, gosh, you guys, I'm so sorry.
I gotta go.

49
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,126
I'm really late to work.

50
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,004
Well, you're always late.

51
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,809
I know. It's basically
the only thing

52
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,166
I'm good at these days.

53
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,287
See you guys later.

54
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,529
God, I just love
how hard she works.

55
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,722
Oh, my God, I love
how hard she works.

56
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,565
I just fuckin' said that, Vicky.

57
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:13,921
(TIRES SCREECHING)

58
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,167
<i>AMY: I work at
a super-hip coffee company.</i>

59
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,526
<i>I love my job,</i>

60
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,884
<i>but I'm 32 years old and I'm
the oldest person here by far.</i>

61
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,486
<i>Most of these dudes
just play ping-pong all day.</i>

62
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:28,921
TESSA: Morning, Momma.

63
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,001
AMY: Morning, Tessa.

64
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,846
Oh, my God, I am so fucking
hungover, I might actually die.

65
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,126
(CHUCKLES)

66
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,487
That's probably something
you shouldn't tell your boss.

67
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,601
Oh.

68
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,849
Right. Except that I took like a
shitload of pills this morning,

69
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,491
so I don't totally
know where I am yet.

70
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,641
You're at work, Tess.

71
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,604
Oh, perfect.
Yeah.

72
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,286
May I have a vacation?
I'd like to go to Cuba.

73
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,284
Is that allowed?
No.

74
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,840
Good morning.

75
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,166
TESSA: Hey, boss!

76
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,401
Good morning, Dale.

77
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,170
I had a dream last night.

78
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,323
Ooh.
I was naked in a hotel.

79
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,164
I'm talking fully
naked, dick, balls...

80
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,327
Yep, got it.

81
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,926
No glasses. Everything,
fully fucking naked.

82
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,121
We got it.

83
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,690
I walk over to the coffee maker

84
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,169
and there is a bag of our
coffee in the hotel room.

85
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,760
Cool dream, Dale.

86
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,046
Thank you, Tessa.

87
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,167
(CHUCKLES)
Um...

88
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,163
ls this your way of saying that

89
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,766
you wanna start selling
your coffee to hotels, now?

90
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,486
No. This is my way of
saying that I want you

91
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,801
to start selling our
coffee to hotels now.

92
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,611
But Dale, I'm already running
sales for supermarkets,

93
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,364
airlines and restaurants.

94
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,880
I mean,
I'm just part-time.

95
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,001
You are?
Since when?

96
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,241
Six years ago!

97
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,170
(LAUGHS) What?
No way.

98
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,536
She's here like every day.
(CHUCKLES)

99
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,689
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I know, but I
have a family and stuff, so...

100
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,768
Hey! You know how important
family is to me.

101
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,410
I got it wrote on
my arm right there.

102
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,481
AMY: Oh, wow.

103
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,244
It's dope, right?
So tight.

104
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,721
Oh, shit! I gotta go roller skating.
Do you wanna come?

105
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,444
Yes!
No, Dale!

106
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,369
I have lots of work to do.

107
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,040
The History Channel was right.

108
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,764
You guys are the
greatest generation.

109
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,806
<i>AMY: I live just outside
of Chicago with my two kids,</i>

110
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,769
<i>my dog and my husband, Mike.</i>

111
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,329
<i>He's a successful
mortgage broker,</i>

112
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,971
<i>but sometimes he
feels like my third child.</i>

113
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,003
Hey, babe.
Hey... Oh! (CHUCKLES)

114
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,816
Look at all the bags you're carrying.
That's hilarious.

115
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,205
You look like a Sherpa.

116
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:19,927
AMY: Oh!

117
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,163
You guys. Thank you
for being super patient.

118
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,481
I appreciate it.

119
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,006
(GROANS)
Here We 90, guys.

120
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,206
Thanks, honey.

121
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,123
All right, love.
How was work?

122
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,523
Oh, I had two conference
calls and then I took a nap.

123
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,011
It was exhausting.

124
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,489
I bet. I bet.
Uh...

125
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,567
Dylan, baby, how was
your science quiz?

126
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,126
Oh, I got a D.

127
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,804
A D? But we
worked so hard.

128
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:45,881
Baby, what happened?

129
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,480
Do you need extra help? Should
we get you another tutor?

130
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:49,891
Mmm, nah, I'm good.

131
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,686
Mike?

132
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,366
Did you hear? Dylan got a
D on his science quiz.

133
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,560
Way to go, bud.

134
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,489
What? Okay.

135
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:00,881
Um...

136
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,930
Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait! How
was your soccer tryouts?

137
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,482
(SIGHS) Coach is posting a list of
who made the team tonight at 9:00,

138
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:08,846
and I'm so nervous.

139
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,651
Baby, it's okay, relax. You will
make the soccer team, I promise.

140
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,286
Just don't freak out.

141
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,609
(GASPS) I'm freakin' out.
I am, too.

142
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,364
What time is it now?
8:59.

143
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,130
(SIGHS) Come on!
(COMPUTER DINGS)

144
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,086
Oh, it's 9:00! It's 9:00.
Go, go, go! Hit refresh.

145
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,726
Oh, my God. I made the team.
(SQUEALS) I made the team!

146
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,370
Oh, my God.
I am so relieved.

147
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,056
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
Oh, my God.

148
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,606
(GASPS) Baby,
I'm so proud of you!

149
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,366
Oh, I'm so excited.
Oh, my God.

150
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,125
This is gonna look so awesome
on my college applications.

151
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:39,806
Baby, it's great, it's great,

152
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,763
but just remember you're
only 12, so it's...

153
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:42,881
Wait.

154
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,606
What if I don't play?

155
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,488
What if I'm a loser
benchwarmer scrub?

156
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,496
You're great, you're
gonna be fine, you're...

157
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,522
No! It's not fine, Mom.

158
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,130
Do you understand how hard it is

159
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,123
to get into
an Ivy League school now?

160
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,202
I mean, they turn away Asians.

161
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,530
That's a little racist, but...

162
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,529
Oh, my God! I need to
practice my footwork.

163
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,760
Why'd you let me eat dessert?

164
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,485
Oh, I know, because you hate me!

165
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,731
Holy shit.

166
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,164
Hey, babe. It's late.
I'm going to bed.

167
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,241
No.

168
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,085
(GASPS) Oh, my God, are you...

169
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,811
No, no, no, I was just checking
my prostate. (KEYS CLACKING)

170
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,244
You know, I've always wondered
what kind of porn you like.

171
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,536
Why won't this
fucking window close?

172
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:28,561
(GASPS)

173
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,211
Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!

174
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,126
<i>Uh, who the hell are you?</i>

175
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,570
I'm his wife.

176
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,887
<i>Oh, shit.</i>

177
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,121
Are you masturbating
online with some chick?

178
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,440
No, no!

179
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:43,760
Well, then, what are you doing?

180
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,725
(STAMMERING) Uh, um... I was
clicking and then I....

181
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:48,641
So then I was...

182
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,246
Yes, okay, I was masturbating
online with some chick.

183
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,681
What the fuck!
Why are you doing that?

184
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,765
Hold on a second. I don't think
I've done anything wrong.

185
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,808
This is totally mainstream now.

186
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,325
Hi, I'm Sharon.

187
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,536
I don't know,
I don't know, Mike.

188
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,530
This really feels like cheating.

189
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,924
No, no, no, no, no, this is
definitely not cheating, honey.

190
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,286
I've never even touched her.

191
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,091
Her giant bush
is 2,000 miles away.

192
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,007
But how long have
you been doing this?

193
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,009
Oh, I don't know.
Not long.

194
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,570
<i>Ten months next Friday.</i>

195
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,566
(MOUTHING)
What the fuck?

196
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:22,920
Ten months?

197
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,882
Do you have feelings for her?

198
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:29,771
(EXHALES)

199
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,522
You don't masturbate online
with someone for 10 months

200
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,931
without developing
some feelings.

201
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,445
I mean, I'm not a monster.

202
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,642
Do you have
feelings for her, Mike?

203
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,724
Yes! Okay? I have feelings for her!
God!

204
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,441
(MIKE SIGHS)

205
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,563
She's actually
a pretty amazing woman.

206
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,569
You know, she runs
her own dairy farm,

207
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,130
she's developing an app.

208
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,725
Get out!
What?

209
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,605
Get the fuck out of my house.

210
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,730
So uncool.

211
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,401
(DOOR CLOSES)

212
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,576
<i>SHARON: You know, Amy,
I just feel like</i>

213
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,256
<i>Mike is feeling
really trapped right now...</i>

214
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,611
(GRUNTS)

215
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,361
(GROANS)

216
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,008
Okay, so your dad had to go
outta town on a business trip,

217
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,566
so I'm gonna try to do
everything myself today,

218
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,201
which should be fine,

219
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:29,569
<i>as</i> long as everybody does
what they are supposed to do.

220
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:30,641
Right?

221
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,444
(WHINING)
Oh, no.

222
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,369
Why is Roscoe walking like that?

223
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,124
He's fine.
He's totally fine.

224
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,889
(GASPS) on, no, buddy!

225
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:53,880
(CAMERA CLICKS)

226
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,321
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

227
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,405
Lookin' good, Jeff.

228
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:58,527
Oh.

229
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,409
Thanks. Yeah, you
been workin' out?

230
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,562
No, not for like 10 years.

231
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,644
Your beige Windbreaker is
really lightin' up my board.

232
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,400
Oh, uh, thanks.

233
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,970
Do you know what I mean?
My vagina.

234
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:11,641
(SIGHS)

235
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,125
Bye. Jeff!

236
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,601
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.

237
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,281
STACY: (GASPS)
Oh, God.

238
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,408
There goes that little weird
stay-at-home mom.

239
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,687
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.

240
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,320
Oh, I don't have any friends.

241
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,086
Oh. I'm pretty isolated at home.

242
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,241
I have four kids.

243
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,243
Okay, good. Please move along.
Thank you.

244
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,376
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

245
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,440
Thank you for inviting me.

246
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,961
Oh, my God. She just got all
her sadness all over me.

247
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,530
Oh, shit!

248
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,806
Here comes the hot widower.

249
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,247
Hey, Jessie.
Hey, guys.

250
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,321
VICKY: Hi.
GWENDOLYN: Hi.

251
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,245
Cute backpack you got there.

252
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,967
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I'm such an Elsa.

253
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,129
(ALL LAUGHING)

254
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,090
You're hilarious!
You really are!

255
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,321
God, he's so fucking hot.

256
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,440
Here you go.
VICKY: I know.

257
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,249
I'm so glad his wife died.

258
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,250
You know what? I saw him install a
car seat yesterday in two seconds.

259
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,761
I'm tellin' you, it was like
boom, boom, click. (MOANING)

260
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,127
It was so hot.
Oh, gosh.

261
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,448
You know what? I think I'd
let him put it in my butt.

262
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,688
I mean, in theory, I'm not
really into the butt thing,

263
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,240
but I would let him
go to town back there.

264
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,608
I'm with you.
Emergency PTA meeting.

265
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,136
AMY: Okay, I got four minutes
to get Roscoe to the vet,

266
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,776
so I love you kids, get out,
get out, get out, get out.

267
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,165
I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.

268
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,601
Bye, Mom.

269
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,401
(GASPS)

270
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,721
<i>Oh!
Oh, my God! Oh!</i>

271
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,004
Fuck, it's so hot!
Can you roll down...

272
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,208
Can you roll down the window?
Okay. Okay, okay.

273
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,491
Hey. Hey,
babe, listen.

274
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:46,048
There is a emergency PTA
meeting today at 5:00.

275
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,202
It should be about
two to three hours.

276
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,011
Awesome. Awesome.
Okay?

277
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,603
Your dog's wearing a helmet.
Okay, I know.

278
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,091
Yes, it's... Thank you.

279
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,606
Okay.

280
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,761
Fuck!

281
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,041
Your dog has vertigo.
That can't be a thing.

282
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,091
And you are gonna have to
carry him until he gets home.

283
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,600
Are you shitting me right now?

284
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:10,687
I don't shit.

285
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,445
But he will, uncontrollably,
for the next 36 hours.

286
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,126
(WHINING)

287
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,530
I'm here.
I'm here. Amy's here.

288
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,085
You missed the meeting, bro.

289
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,520
Oh, no.

290
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,845
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

291
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,201
(INDISTINCT)

292
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,411
(PANTING)

293
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,086
(GASPS)

294
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,321
(TIRES SCREECH)

295
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,369
I know, I know.
I'm sorry, I'm late.

296
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:51,601
Get in, get in, get in.

297
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,129
I can't believe I'm gonna be late
to my first soccer practice.

298
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,168
Baby, I'm doing
the best that I can.

299
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,890
Yeah, that's what
makes it even sadder.

300
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,361
Oh, God.

301
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,171
Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey.
How was your day?

302
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,770
I swallowed a pen cap again.

303
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,281
Oh, God.

304
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,607
DYLAN: Ooh!

305
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,241
Crap.

306
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,560
Was that a hit-and-run?

307
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:12,961
Nope.

308
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,840
Nope.
That was nothing.

309
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,569
Jane, go!
Go, go, go, go!

310
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,205
Excuse me, Coach?

311
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,006
I'm so sorry that Jane is late.
It is all my fault.

312
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,768
You look wrecked.
You having a bad day?

313
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,763
Oh, God, it literally
could not get any...

314
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,285
Ah! (GRUNTS)

315
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:35,966
Shit.

316
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,481
(GROANS)

317
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,010
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

318
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,691
Hey...

319
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,122
Hi, guys! Guys, um...

320
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,811
For those of you who have been
living under a rock... (CHUCKLES)

321
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,882
I am Gwendolyn James.

322
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,731
I am the president of the PTA,

323
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,400
but most importantly,

324
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,727
I am the proud mommy
to two beautiful daughters,

325
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,404
Blaire and Gandhi.

326
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,882
Now, I called this
emergency PTA meeting

327
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:10,249
to address an issue that radically
affects the safety of our children.

328
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:12,927
The bake sale.

329
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,810
Is this a joke?

330
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:20,121
Now, this is a list
of the toxic ingredients

331
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,601
that are absolutely banned
from the bake sale.

332
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,849
No BPA, no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.

333
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,491
Plus no soy, no sesame,
and, of course, no nuts

334
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,006
or eggs or milk or butter
or salt or sugar or wheat.

335
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,081
Okay?

336
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,003
Sorry, what ingredients
can we use?

337
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,856
Anyway, I will be putting together...
Thank you.

338
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,929
A special bake sale police force

339
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,166
that will monitor the food. That
will destroy any offensive treats

340
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,445
and prosecute the wrongdoers.

341
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:49,601
Yes.

342
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,331
So who will be
my first volunteer

343
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,616
for the bake sale police force?

344
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,725
I think we're gonna
have Amy Mitchell!

345
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,201
What?

346
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,044
That's what you get
for being late, sweetie.

347
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,041
No.

348
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,121
(ALL GASPS)

349
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:07,681
(CHUCKLES)

350
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:08,926
What's that now?

351
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,688
I've had a really long day.

352
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,009
I have been bruised and burned,

353
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,520
knocked unconscious.

354
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,206
I screwed up my daughter's
first day at soccer

355
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:24,046
and I hand-searched
my son's poo for a pen cap

356
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,768
and my poor dog has vertigo.

357
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,923
I mean, who knew that that was
even a real thing, you guys?

358
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,689
God, I'm drowning at work

359
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,127
and my boss is a fucking moron

360
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,641
and... (CHUCKLES)

361
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,209
Three hours ago I may or may not

362
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,248
have committed
a felony hit-and-run.

363
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,560
(GASPING)

364
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,325
I can't do this anymore.

365
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,400
I'm sorry.

366
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,080
I'm done.

367
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,810
I quit.

368
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,769
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)

369
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,603
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

370
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,487
Hey, what can I get ya?
Oh, Scotch.

371
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,081
Oh, hey, I know you.

372
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,451
You're that chick that always
picks up my kid from school

373
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,488
when I forget/don't want to.

374
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:41,043
Amy Mitchell. Yeah, Carla.
Carla Dunkler.

375
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,770
Jesus, you look like
a bag of dicks.

376
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,968
(CHUCKLES) Thanks.
Hi.

377
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,964
I'm really sorry to interrupt,
but, um, I just have to tell you,

378
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,044
what you did back there
was amazing.

379
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,288
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

380
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,646
It's Kiki, right?

381
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,841
Yes.

382
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,567
She knows my name.

383
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:58,721
(STUTTERS)

384
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,484
I feel like Beyoncé Knowles.

385
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,056
Why don't you sit down
and have a drink with us?

386
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,890
What do you mean "us"? Honey, I
was just sitting here by myself.

387
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,161
I would love to, but I can't.

388
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,416
I have to go to
the grocery store

389
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,816
and then I have to go home and
clean out my son's hamster cage,

390
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,216
'cause he gets so
mad when I forget.

391
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,242
Have a drink, Kiki.
Okay, yeah.

392
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,209
Okay. Yes, I'd like
an apple juice.

393
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,770
Why don't you have this instead?

394
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:19,851
Excuse me?
(LAUGHING)

395
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,845
Oh, do you know what my
favorite mom fantasy is?

396
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,046
What?
Uh-oh.

397
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,205
Having a quiet
breakfast by myself.

398
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,248
Oh! That is so hot!
Oh!

399
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,930
Sounds glorious.
Oh.

400
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,086
(SIGHS) Sometimes when I'm
driving all by myself,

401
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,080
I have this fantasy that
I get into a car crash.

402
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,329
Not a big one with fire and explosions,
but just like a little one.

403
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,640
But I do get injured

404
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,451
and I get to go to the
hospital for two weeks

405
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:49,605
and I sleep all day and I eat
Jell-O and I watch so much TV

406
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,603
and it's all
covered by my insurance.

407
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,889
My kids bring me balloons, and
the nurses rub cream on my feet,

408
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,201
and oh, my God, it's so amazing.

409
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:58,921
(SIGHS)

410
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,284
ls that like something you
guys fantasize about, too?

411
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:05,886
No.
No.

412
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,803
You're bat-shit crazy. Yeah.

413
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,522
And I'm never gonna get
into a car with you.

414
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,484
Is it fun being a single mom?

415
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,086
Yes!

416
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,324
I go to the casino.
Yeah.

417
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,007
You know, I'm
learning karate now.

418
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,330
Plus, I have, like, a stable
of hot dudes to call right up

419
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,010
whenever I want some D in my V.

420
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,810
I wanna be a single mom.
No, it's fuckin' awesome.

421
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,207
Bottom line is,

422
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,442
I have to live my life one
quarter mile at a time.

423
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,287
Is <i>that from... Yeah.
The Fast and Furious.</i>

424
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,924
I fucked Vin Diesel when he
was in town doing Furious 6-

425
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,923
You fucked Vin Diesel?
Yeah.

426
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,206
Vincent Diesel?

427
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,490
It might not have been
actually Vin Diesel,

428
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,528
but I definitely
fucked a bald guy.

429
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,165
<i>Salud.
Salud.</i>

430
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,446
Yep.
To Vincent Diesel.

431
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:54,567
Oh, my God.
Jesus.

432
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,842
Kiki, get your shit together.
Oh, my God.

433
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,844
Do you know what I hate?
Mmm?

434
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,922
There are so many
fuckin' rules now.

435
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,081
Yes, God.

436
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,771
"Don't punish your kids."
"Don't say no to your kids."

437
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,888
Yeah. "Go to your
kid's baseball games."

438
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,371
"Tell your kids
you love 'em."

439
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,051
"Don't fuck the janitor
at your kid's school."

440
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,122
I mean, what the
fuck is this? Russia?

441
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,925
We're killing ourselves, trying to be
perfect, and it's making us insane.

442
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,249
In this day and age, it's
impossible to be a good mom.

443
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,321
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

444
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,050
Screw it.
Yeah.

445
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,321
Let's be bad moms.

446
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,130
Oh, I'm in.
Right?

447
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,726
Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting.
I'm in!

448
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,088
Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!
To bad moms!

449
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,527
Aw.

450
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,005
I love you guys.
Mmm.

451
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,491
Oh, dude.
We love you, Kiki.

452
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,130
We just met, Kiki.
Forever.

453
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,129
I love you forever. I'm
not into this kind of...

454
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,481
Oh, gosh, honey, we
gotta go get you home.

455
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,766
We gotta go.
Yeah, let's go.

456
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,120
We gotta go. No, I can't.I have
to go to the supermarket.

457
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,561
(KIKI SIGHS)

458
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,165
Let's go to the supermarket!

459
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,441
(INAUDIBLE)

460
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,966
(ALL GASPING)
Oh, my God.

461
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,721
You're so cute.
KIKI: Adorable.

462
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,445
Oh, I wanna eat her face.

463
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:07,567
Hi, bunny.

464
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:08,687
All right, let's go!

465
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:53,681
Where is she?

466
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,521
(GROANING)

467
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,731
Oh, it's so bright, you guys.

468
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:00,961
Are you okay?

469
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,485
Yeah, I'm awesome.

470
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,045
What did you do last night?

471
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,400
Nothin'.

472
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,281
But we may need to
find a new supermarket.

473
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,041
(AMY GASPS)

474
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,169
Oh, my God. I made
nachos last night!

475
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:15,921
Oh.

476
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:18,600
Amazing.

477
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,447
Mmm.

478
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,522
The cheese is so hard.

479
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:24,881
(GRUNTING)

480
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:29,321
Um...

481
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,562
Aren't you gonna
make us breakfast?

482
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,721
Oh.

483
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:33,847
No.

484
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,761
But what are we gonna eat?

485
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,571
You guys are really smart.

486
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,330
You can make your own breakfast.

487
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,084
I'm just gonna take these to go.

488
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,360
Peace!

489
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,085
All right, get in the car.

490
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,484
You know what?
On second thought,

491
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,250
let's take your
daddy's special car today.

492
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,129
Won't Dad be mad?
Yeah.

493
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,440
Probably.

494
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,281
(ENGINE REWING)

495
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:14,690
(TIRES SCREECHING)

496
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,001
(INAUDIBLE)

497
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:35,646
Whoo!

498
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,571
That was so awesome!

499
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:40,926
All right.
(TIRES SCREECHING)

500
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:43,720
What is she driving?

501
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:45,485
Have a great day at school!

502
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,610
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Your lunch!

503
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,401
(GASPS) Thanks, Mom.
You're the best mom ever!

504
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,925
Aw, <i>I</i> love you, guys!

505
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,245
Is that Arby's?

506
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,243
I love their hot fish sandwich.

507
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,322
Hey, Amy. Hi.

508
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,885
Hey, we're having
a PTA meeting today

509
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,082
to discuss the upcoming
election at 2:00.

510
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,286
Will we see you there?

511
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:06,566
No.

512
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,001
Oh.

513
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,128
That bitch is
playing a dangerous game.

514
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:15,841
Amy plays football?

515
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,561
Oh, my God.

516
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,770
Oh, thank you.

517
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,600
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Amazing!

518
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:31,966
Oh, this is Amy.

519
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:34,691
Amy, where are you? The morning
huddle started an hour ago.

520
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,527
Oh, yeah, Dale, I'm not going to that.
It's a total waste of time.

521
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:40,764
(SNICKERING)
Are you feeling okay, Amy?

522
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,683
Are you having a senior moment?

523
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:44,690
I've actually never felt better.

524
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:48,367
I'm having a quiet breakfast
and reading the newspaper

525
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,727
for the first time in 12 years.

526
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,726
You need to come into
the office right now!

527
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,521
No, I don't. I don't, Dale. I only
work for you three days a week.

528
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,208
If you want me to work more, then
you should pay me to do that.

529
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,856
Okay, Amy, you're kind of
making me look like a dick

530
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,496
in front of everybody
in the office right now.

531
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,807
Have a great meeting!
Goodbye, Dale.

532
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:10,801
(SIGHS)

533
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,609
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

534
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,402
Hello?
Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.

535
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:30,481
Hi!

536
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,324
Um, I was actually
calling to see,

537
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,320
uh, if you'd like to join
me at the movies today.

538
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:36,924
Are we allowed to do that?

539
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,004
Well, I don't see why not.

540
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,090
I can't. I mean, I have
to iron Kent's underwear.

541
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,561
What? Why?

542
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,928
I don't know. He likes
really stiff underwear.

543
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,202
Come on, Kiki, live a little.

544
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:51,361
(CRYING)

545
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,286
Uh... Okay. Okay, okay.
I'll do it.

546
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,762
(CHUCKLES) Awesome.
Okay, I'll call Carla.

547
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,082
Oh, fun! I like her.

548
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,611
I'm also very scared of her.

549
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:02,601
(CHUCKLES) Okay.

550
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,649
Ow! Ow!

551
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:07,930
CARLA: Yo!
Hey, it's Amy.

552
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,496
Um, I'm calling to see
if you'd like to join

553
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,016
Kiki and I at the
movies this afternoon.

554
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,201
I'm already here.

555
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,281
Hey, lady.

556
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,009
Get off your phone.
Guess what?

557
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,445
She dies in the end.

558
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,126
Yeah, cancer gets her.

559
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:20,481
What?

560
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,848
Yeah, what do you
bitches wanna see?

561
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:30,161
(SLURPING)

562
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,770
<i>Love is stronger</i>

563
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:36,640
<i>than space.</i>

564
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,127
You guys, lady boners over here.

565
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:40,241
(LAUGHS)

566
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:43,411
(GASPING AND CHEERING)

567
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,648
Cheers, ladies.
Mmm.

568
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:49,961
Mmm.

569
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,041
This has been so much fun.

570
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,616
Thank you, girls,
for coming out with me.

571
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:55,641
Are you kidding me?

572
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,929
This has literally been the
best day of my entire life.

573
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,206
Oh, honey.

574
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,164
My ex is picking up the kid,
so I can go all night if...

575
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,209
Oh. hey, did you
hear that?

576
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,691
My ex has my kid.

577
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,680
AMY: Hey, hon, I've got
a question for you.

578
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:12,930
Is it hard to share your
son with your ex-husband?

579
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:14,606
(LAUGHS) Fuck no.
No?

580
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,967
Have you seen my kid?
He's like nine feet tall

581
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,724
and all he cares
about is baseball.

582
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,404
Do you go to all of his games?

583
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,482
No. No, I don't.
(AMY LAUGHS)

584
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,560
The last game I went
to was six hours long

585
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,443
and the final score
was one to two.

586
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,576
So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan
than another kids' baseball game.

587
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:30,601
Cheers.

588
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,886
How do you think that your
divorce affected your kid?

589
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,168
How are things
in your home, Amy?

590
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,203
Oh, it's fine.
(SCOFFS) Everything's fine.

591
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:44,801
Ugh.

592
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:49,209
I caught Mike having an
affair online with a woman,

593
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,886
and I guess it's been going
on for like 10 months.

594
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,486
Oh! Did you drive
a spike through his nuts?

595
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:55,886
(LAUGHING)

596
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:57,890
No. Here's the truth.

597
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,121
Our marriage has
been over for years.

598
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,046
I don't even remember
the last time we had sex.

599
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,168
Kent and I have sex every
Friday night after <i>Blue</i> Bloods-

600
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:09,841
(LAUGHS)

601
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:13,647
I find Tom Selleck's work
to be extremely erotic.

602
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,047
I feel like everything that comes out
of your mouth is a cry for help.

603
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,324
(CHUCKLES)
Kiki, you're so weird.

604
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:21,526
CARLA: No, wait,

605
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,921
why did you marry this
shithead in the first place?

606
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,126
He sounds like an asshole.

607
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,804
Because we were
young and in love.

608
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,326
I mean, he wasn't always an asshole.
I promise you.

609
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,123
It's true. Listen, I got
pregnant, we got married.

610
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:34,645
I was only 20.

611
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:38,125
You know what? Mike and I
never got our twenties.

612
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,601
Like, you know, the
fun twenties, and...

613
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:41,936
I feel like
maybe he missed that.

614
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:42,961
Oh, my God.

615
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:44,885
Maybe I did, too.

616
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,531
When I was in my twenties, I
would just walk down the street

617
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,763
and it would just be raining
dicks wherever I went.

618
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,096
It was just dick,
dick, dick, dick,

619
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:53,336
dick, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick.

620
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,170
It was, like, forecast,
lot of cock!

621
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:57,844
(INDISTINCT)

622
00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:58,967
Kiki?

623
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,282
Hi. Kent, hi.

624
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:03,726
What are you doing here?

625
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,246
I'm just having lunch
with my new friends.

626
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,448
Who's watching the kids?
Rosie.

627
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,045
Isn't that your job?

628
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:11,965
Whoa! Who the fuck
are you?

629
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,321
Yes. Yes, Kent.

630
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:17,007
It absolutely is my job, and I
was just about to leave, so,

631
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,487
um, thank you guys so much.

632
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,409
I can't, uh,
do the math right now.

633
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,370
Just take that and have a
wonderful day, you guys.

634
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:25,680
I really enjoyed it.
Thank you.

635
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:26,807
Oh, my...

636
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:28,962
Nice to meet you, Ike Turner!

637
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:30,771
That's really disturbing.

638
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:31,921
Yes!

639
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:34,123
But on the plus side,
she left way too much cash,

640
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,009
so I think I'm gonna
get fucked up!

641
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:03,283
(GROANS)

642
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:05,605
Yeah, donut holes!

643
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,200
I love these things.
How much are they?

644
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:08,366
Um...

645
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:10,921
Five cents.

646
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:12,923
How about a dollar?

647
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,684
(GASPS) What?

648
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,649
Hey now, big spender.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

649
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,207
Thank you.

650
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:19,966
Mmm.

651
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,601
Why are these so good?
Caramel number six.

652
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:23,920
Is that what it is?
Mmm-hmm.

653
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:25,687
They're tasty.

654
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,609
She's adorable.
Thank you.

655
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:29,721
Mmm-hmm.

656
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:31,281
Good to see you.

657
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,124
Bye-Bye.

658
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,606
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
What do we have here?

659
00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,251
Are these store-bought
donut holes, Amy?

660
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,211
What? No.

661
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:43,009
Gosh, no, I made them by hand

662
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,084
and then I put them in the
weird plastic container.

663
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:47,844
Oh, thank God.
'Cause we do not

664
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:49,445
allow store-bought
holes.

665
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,562
Seriously, Vicky? AMY:
Oh, come on, Gwendolyn.

666
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,165
Who cares what food people bring

667
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:54,890
as long as it
raises money, right?

668
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,122
Oh, did she just... Oh. She did.

669
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:58,885
Hit her with it, G.

670
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,571
Well, you see, I care, sweetie.

671
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,881
I don't... I don't know what's
been going on with you,

672
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,486
I mean, with your
weird outbursts

673
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,086
and your terrible style,

674
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,844
but it ends now.

675
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,128
Okay? I run this school,

676
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:17,000
and no one takes
a class or kicks a ball

677
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,607
or plays a fuckin' clarinet
without my say-so.

678
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,967
And I can make life
a living hell for you

679
00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:26,849
and your dirty little children.

680
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:28,805
Do you understand me?

681
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:32,362
Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think
you should just relax a little bit,

682
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:34,647
I mean, have a donut hole.
They're delicious.

683
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,882
They're from a gas station.
They're... Mmm.

684
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,641
You have crossed
the line, little girl.

685
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:41,609
And I am going to destroy you.

686
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,610
Winter is coming.

687
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:46,041
(CHUCKLES)

688
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,167
Gwendolyn.

689
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:49,846
Oh, my God.
You are so fucked.

690
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:51,487
What...

691
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,530
Bye.
Bye.

692
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,451
Out of my way!

693
00:31:58,160 --> 00:31:59,400
I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.

694
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,449
You psyched for Mandarin class?

695
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:06,726
No!
No.

696
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,609
Mandarin class is so stressful.

697
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:10,887
Everyone just
barfs the whole time.

698
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,803
Did you say "barfs"?
Yeah.

699
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:14,845
Oh, my God.

700
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:16,166
Wha...

701
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,683
Why are we doing this?

702
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,485
What are you doing? Mandarin
class is back that way!

703
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:25,561
I know.

704
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,490
But we're gonna
play hooky today.

705
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,730
JANE: We cannot
afford this place.

706
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,450
AMY: Don't worry.
I've got a plan.

707
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,767
Shh. Get in here, you idiots.
We totally snuck in.

708
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,002
I know! Shh. I can't believe
you have a real job.

709
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,243
You're a lucky girl, Becky. I
would never do this for my kid.

710
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,010
Yeah. My mom's
pretty cool.

711
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,168
Also, my name's Jane.

712
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:53,361
Okay.

713
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:55,283
All right. Showers on
the left. Have fun, guys.

714
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:56,885
Bye, Becky! Shh.
Okay, thanks, Carla.

715
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,081
This place is fancy.
Gosh.

716
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,330
Oh, look.
Free soap.

717
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,640
No, honey, don't take that.

718
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,920
(GASPS) Oh, no, that's some good soap.
Take it, take it.

719
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,770
This is what the tub looks like
after your brother takes a bath.

720
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:12,841
(BOTH LAUGHING)

721
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,284
You look like Kung Fu Panda.
(LAUGHS)

722
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:17,641
(SIGHS)

723
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:19,400
This is amazing.

724
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:20,646
Mmm-hmm.

725
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,209
We should get matching
tattoos after this.

726
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:24,561
(LAUGHS)

727
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,048
I'm really glad
we did this, Mom.

728
00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,885
I haven't felt this
relaxed in, like, ever.

729
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,484
God, you needed a break from
school and soccer and...

730
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:36,044
(GRUNTS)
This whole Dad thing.

731
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:38,720
What whole Dad thing?

732
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,443
Nothing. Nothing!

733
00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:43,729
(GASPS) Does Dad
have a brain tumor?

734
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,167
What? No!
No, no, no, no.

735
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,049
God, no. Um...

736
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:53,287
Your dad and I are going through
a rough patch right now.

737
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:55,445
Are you guys gonna get divorced?

738
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:56,851
What? No, no, no.

739
00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:01,130
No. We're not getting
divorced right away.

740
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:05,287
I just want you to know that
no matter what happens,

741
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:07,287
it's not your fault.

742
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:09,529
Why would it be my fault?

743
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,170
Why would you even say that?

744
00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:12,241
I don't know!

745
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,250
Oh, my God, baby, I'm so sorry!
I suck at this!

746
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,448
I just don't
wanna be weird, okay?

747
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:20,040
Baby, please don't cry. Please...
No, no, no, no, no.

748
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:22,447
Honey, I need you to look at
me, just look at me, okay?

749
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:24,765
Baby, baby....

750
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,081
I need you to know
that your dad loves you.

751
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,090
That I love you.

752
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:35,246
And I promise you,
you will be fine.

753
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:36,601
(SOBS)

754
00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:38,526
How do you know?

755
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:40,011
Because I'm your mom,

756
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,651
and I know you
better than anyone,

757
00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:45,722
and I know what you're made of.

758
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:50,730
Oh, honey.

759
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,245
I love you.

760
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:55,450
I love you, too.

761
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:00,411
Hey, Coach?

762
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:02,481
Coach!

763
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:04,406
Fuck!

764
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:07,010
Hi, Gwendolyn.
Hi, how are you?

765
00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:08,856
Listen, um,
I wanna talk to you about

766
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:10,800
the starting lineup of
next week's game. Mmm-hmm.

767
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,491
In particular, Amy
Mitchell's daughter, Jane.

768
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,921
You know I can't discuss
specific players with you.

769
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,243
And you know that
I chair the hiring

770
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:20,163
and firing committee, right?

771
00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:23,608
So let's stop clicking around and
let's get to the fucking point.

772
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:25,849
Please don't get
me fired, Gwendolyn.

773
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:28,324
My cat just died.
Oh.

774
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,051
And I'm really very
fragile right now.

775
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:33,365
Bench the little dork.

776
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:35,440
Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.

777
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,000
I need this. This is my time. Do you
know what I mean? (CELL PHONE RINGS)

778
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:40,567
(SNAPS FINGERS)

779
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:41,681
(EXHALES)

780
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:45,005
<i>Go for</i> Carla.
<i>Hey, it's Amy,</i>

781
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:47,416
<i>I just found out Mike is staying
with his Internet girlfriend.</i>

782
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:49,966
<i>Oh, fuck him!
We need to get you laid.</i>

783
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:52,121
I wanna get laid.

784
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:53,201
I'm on my way.

785
00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:58,811
I'm so excited.

786
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,536
CARLA: Honey, I don't know,
what are you gonna wear?

787
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:01,561
It's like a nun's closet.

788
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:03,524
(GASPS) No, no, wait.
I got it, I got it.

789
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,244
Let's see this!

790
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,569
It's my favorite.

791
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:08,881
I love it.

792
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,322
No! No! Are you trying
to get laid or adopted?

793
00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:14,563
Oh.
Fair point.

794
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:15,641
Ooh.

795
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:17,001
Okay.

796
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,324
That's what a lonely
person gets buried in.

797
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,289
Fuck, you guys, I literally
have nothing, then.

798
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,203
I have mom clothes,
I have work clothes.

799
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,886
Okay, you know, let me get
in there one more time.

800
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:29,736
I'm gonna find it. Move. Move.
Move, move, get me in here.

801
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:31,720
I have jackets, I have lots of 'em.
We'll find it.

802
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,256
We'll find something, honey.
Don't get discouraged.

803
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:34,416
AMY: Okay. Okay.
You can do this.

804
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:36,010
I mean, Jesus Christ!

805
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,811
This is something that
Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.

806
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,769
I love that movie.
(GASPS)

807
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:42,046
Me too.
Okay.

808
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:43,200
KIKI:
It's such a good film.

809
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:45,004
Wait a minute,
I see a spaghetti strap.

810
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:49,721
No, hold on. This was, like, my slutty
Halloween costume from college.

811
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,370
I like the word "slutty."
Put it on.

812
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:52,851
Just try it.
Try it.

813
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,446
You guys are ridiculous.
I'm telling you...

814
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,211
Holy fuck! Look at your mom bra!
Ooh.

815
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,687
There's so much surface area.

816
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,889
You can make three regular
bras out of this one mom bra.

817
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,770
This isn't my mom bra.
This is my sexy bra.

818
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,525
(LAUGHS) Shut up!

819
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,125
Don't laugh.
Wait, are you serious?

820
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,440
Yes!

821
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:12,931
Oh, honey.
Amy.

822
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,168
Oh! That looks like you
just got out of surgery.

823
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:16,446
Is it that bad?

824
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,171
Yeah, there's just one boob-log.
Yeah.

825
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:20,810
You don't even have two tits.

826
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,240
I have this in black. Do you
guys wanna see it in black?

827
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:24,441
No!
No!

828
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,843
Oh, wow. This bra will be
the death of your vagina.

829
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:29,650
(ALL LAUGHING)

830
00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:32,121
Oh!

831
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,281
AMY: Oh, my gosh.

832
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,842
You guys, I've only handled
one penis my entire life.

833
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:37,967
Oh, honey!

834
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,327
What do I do if I get
a guy with a weird dick?

835
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:41,851
Kent is a never-hard.

836
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:43,610
Ooh.
What's a never-hard?

837
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,523
Oh, he never gets fully hard.

838
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:50,248
So I just have to kind of fold his
penis up like a balloon animal

839
00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:52,163
and shove it up in my vagina.

840
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,528
That sounds horrible!
AMY: Yeah.

841
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,046
Sometimes I take the balls
and shove 'em up there, too,

842
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,361
because at least,
you know, they're firm.

843
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,603
Honey, that is a lot of shit
to shove up your cooter.

844
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:04,682
I mean, I'm just
happy he's circumcised.

845
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,320
(GASPS) What if I get somebody
who's not circumcised?

846
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,209
Run out of the room screaming.

847
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:10,884
It's like finding
a gun in the street.

848
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:12,724
Just scream and get outta there!

849
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,007
No way, you guys.
Uncut guys are great.

850
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,081
Really?

851
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:17,491
Oh, they're always
so nice to you,

852
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:19,056
because they know
their dicks are gross.

853
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:20,206
How do I handle it?

854
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,576
What, do I just touch it?
Oh, I'll show you. Here.

855
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,496
Let me just, Kiki, do you mind for a sec?
Uh-uh. What?

856
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:27,286
Just imagine for a second that
this is the hood of the uncut cook

857
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,801
and then this is the penis face.
Okay? Mmm-hmm.

858
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,121
So, what you would
do is very gently,

859
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:36,524
you would just kind
of try to peel it back

860
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,805
over like that to expose
the head of the cock.

861
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,281
Okay. And then you
would just gently,

862
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,816
you wanna, I'm sorry,
honey, you just wanna kind of,

863
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,001
like it gets a little tight,

864
00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:46,525
and you gotta kind of work it,

865
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,204
you know, you gotta work it off.

866
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,681
And then you just go to town
like it's a, you know...

867
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,729
(GRUNTS) You know,
you jerk it off

868
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:53,926
till you wanna sit on it.

869
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:55,371
What do I do with this? Okay?

870
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,607
What? Like, do I put it in a
hair clip or do I just...

871
00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,284
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, this,

872
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:00,536
this you can flick it, suck it,

873
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:01,656
you know, rub your face on it.

874
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:03,536
I don't wanna do that. I don't
wanna rub my face on it.

875
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:05,528
Okay, well, take care
of this, though. Okay.

876
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,570
'Cause this is like a
big, giant man clit.

877
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:09,641
This, right here.

878
00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,802
If you work this,
it's gonna be like...

879
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:12,881
(GRUNTS)

880
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:14,001
(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

881
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,376
Does that make sense, honey?
Yeah, it's great.

882
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:17,536
Okay. Sure, sure, sure.
Thank you, honey.

883
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,722
I'm not gonna wear this
sweatshirt ever again.

884
00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:06,607
CARLA: Okay, okay, all right.
Let's get right down to it.

885
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:08,216
What kind of guy
are you into, honey?

886
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:11,449
(GASPS) You know what? I've
never been with a Latin man.

887
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:13,290
If I were you,
I would start with maybe

888
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:15,727
like just kind
of fat and Jewish,

889
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:17,962
and then work yourself
into the Latin guy.

890
00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:19,451
Excuse me.
Okay.

891
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,086
Hi, there.
Hi!

892
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:22,161
Is this seat taken?

893
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,125
Um, yes.

894
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:26,931
I mean, yes, no,
like yes, sit, please. Yeah.

895
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:29,044
What do I do?
Ask him about his hobbies.

896
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:31,281
Hi.
Hi.

897
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,806
Um, I'm Amy.
Braden.

898
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:35,211
Braden, nice
to meet you, Braden.

899
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,328
Nice to meet you. I
like your wedding ring.

900
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,487
Shit!

901
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,568
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

902
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,371
(STUTTERING) Okay, you see,
this is a funny story.

903
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,011
I was, um...
I was grocery shopping

904
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,526
and I found it on the floor,
and I picked it up and...

905
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,160
And then I put it on.

906
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:52,450
I'm gonna sit somewhere else.
Okay.

907
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:55,536
Ooh, maybe next time, try it
without your wedding ring.

908
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,085
Oh, that's a great idea! Yeah?

909
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:58,685
Yes.
Hey, ladies.

910
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:00,762
Hi! Where are you
comin' in from?

911
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,764
Uh, we live in
Westbury with our kids.

912
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,524
Great. Oh.

913
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,496
Oh, forget it. I'm really
nervous, you guys.

914
00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:09,816
You're doing great.
I know, I know. There is...

915
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:10,841
You're doing great.

916
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:12,056
Look it, there is so
much cock in here...

917
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:13,336
Yeah... that if
you literally...

918
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,682
Just try to act half-normal
and you are gonna get laid.

919
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:18,928
Just don't be such a mom. Okay.

920
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,365
You should eat more soup.

921
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,169
Oh, I loved breastfeeding until
my nipples started cracking.

922
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,286
This should prevent the
stain from setting, okay?

923
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,043
Tupperware! Pinterest!

924
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:32,889
Explosive diarrhea!

925
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,331
Does your mom know you're here?

926
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,288
See, it wasn't just about a
dolphin getting a new tail.

927
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,567
It was about a family
coming together.

928
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:45,841
What did I say?

929
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:46,967
(LAUGHS)

930
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,201
Hey! Where are you going?

931
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,041
On, my God, you guys-

932
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:52,202
How'd it go?
Oh, horrible.

933
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:53,696
What's the matter, hon?
What happened?

934
00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:56,405
I suck at this.
I just wanna go home.

935
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:57,481
Oh!

936
00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:59,210
I really do.
Amy!

937
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,281
Mmm.

938
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,488
Jessie! What are you
guys doing here?

939
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:06,609
We're just, you know, having
a little girls' night.

940
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,684
Cool, so the husband's at home
with the kids? That's nice.

941
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:11,131
Oh, mmm...

942
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:14,161
My husband's not really
in the picture anymore.

943
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,641
Yeah, yeah, she caught him
jerking off with a dairy farmer.

944
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,205
He's a sex criminal.

945
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,284
(CHUCKLES) I don't know where to start.
Are you okay?

946
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,601
I'm actually really,
really good. Yeah.

947
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:26,206
I'm glad I ran into you.
This is really nice.

948
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,845
Yeah, me too.

949
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:28,921
Me too.

950
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:30,730
Okay, creepy.
Let's go.

951
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:32,524
Let's go, creepy. Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)

952
00:42:32,720 --> 00:42:33,721
Okay.

953
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:35,081
Have fun.

954
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:38,128
You are so hard.

955
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,884
Really, he's got a hard body.

956
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,201
Thank you. I think.

957
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,851
I cannot believe Amy is
talking to Jessie Harkness.

958
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:47,604
I have dreams about
him braiding my hair.

959
00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:48,896
Okay, can you not
stand so close to me?

960
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:50,056
Because I'm still
trying to get laid.

961
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:51,445
Yeah, sure. No problem. Okay.

962
00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:52,971
And don't dance walk.

963
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,807
You work at the, uh,
coffee company, right?

964
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,441
What? Yeah. Wait,
how did you know?

965
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:06,376
I might have asked around
about you a little bit.

966
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,041
Wait. You asked about me? Yeah.

967
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,201
Yeah, I...

968
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:14,560
Okay, I've kind of always
had a thing for you and...

969
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:16,683
What?
I thought you knew that.

970
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,650
No! I had no idea.
No? You had no idea?

971
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,240
Oh, come on. You're like my
favorite mom at the school.

972
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:24,040
I mean, I honestly don't
know how you do it.

973
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:25,884
You take your kids
to all those activities,

974
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,405
and you do all
those insane projects.

975
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,086
I saw your Richard Nixon, by the way.
That was incredible.

976
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:32,970
Well, you know what? I do have a
little thing for papier-maché.

977
00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:34,644
It was really good.
Thank you.

978
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:36,569
Oh, and are you kidding me
with those lunches?

979
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:38,016
You know, my daughter's
always saying,

980
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,456
"Why can't you make lunch
like Dylan's mom?"

981
00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:41,050
Oh, my God,
I love your daughter.

982
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:42,764
You're making me look bad.
Oh, my God.

983
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,605
Oh, this makes me
so happy. (CHUCKLES)

984
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:47,842
You know what's just
really amazing, though,

985
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,127
is the fact that your kids
are actually nice people.

986
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:52,601
Meh, eh...
No, no, I'm serious!

987
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:56,844
Anyone could force their kids
to play cello or speak Chinese

988
00:43:56,960 --> 00:43:59,320
or, you know, go to a fancy
college, or something like that,

989
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,722
but what's really
hard is raising kids

990
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:04,404
who are actually decent and kind

991
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,051
and somehow you've done that.

992
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:08,656
And you should be really proud.

993
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,330
You're a fuckin' great mom.

994
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,403
(GROANS) on, oh...

995
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:18,042
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my.
I'm so sorry.

996
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,176
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
And I'm so embarrassed.

997
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,364
You kind of nailed my face, but
we should probably do it again.

998
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:26,608
Are you sure? Just
no sudden movements.

999
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:29,211
Just nice and slow.

1000
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:37,049
Carla. Carla!
What, hon?

1001
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:38,176
Carla, look, look, look, look!

1002
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,201
CARLA; No, Kiki.

1003
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:40,885
No, Kiki!
Kiki, no, no.

1004
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:48,803
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

1005
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:09,401
(CHUCKLES)

1006
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:17,011
Mike!
Hey, babe!

1007
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,845
What are you doing?
I wanna get back together.

1008
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:23,083
I never should've left you.
That was a total dick move.

1009
00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:27,362
And I feel like we should
just put that in the past

1010
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:28,771
and not talk about it.

1011
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:31,647
Wait, what are you
talking about?

1012
00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:34,451
Look, I...

1013
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:36,845
I just needed a break.

1014
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:38,530
Haven't you ever needed a break?

1015
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:41,042
Of course I have, Mike.

1016
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:43,407
But I didn't break up
our family to do it.

1017
00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:44,601
(SIGHS)

1018
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:46,761
I miss the kids.

1019
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:48,721
So much.

1020
00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:51,371
Mostly Dylan, but even
Jane a little bit, too.

1021
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,886
And the dog,
God, I miss Roscoe so much.

1022
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,724
How is he doing?
He's fine.

1023
00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,565
Thank God.
The bottom line is,

1024
00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:01,405
I will do whatever it takes
to keep this family together.

1025
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:03,401
Really?

1026
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:05,920
You'll finally go
to therapy with me?

1027
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:08,884
I knew you were gonna say that!
Therapy is so dumb!

1028
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,485
Great. Get out!
Have fun. Bye-bye.

1029
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:11,616
Hey! I'm trying to
do the right thing!

1030
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:13,449
Bye-bye, Mike.
Honestly!

1031
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:14,681
All right, you know what?

1032
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,650
Even though it's a total waste of
time and money, I will go to therapy.

1033
00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:22,004
But when I say go, I mean, like
actually go, like participate, cry.

1034
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:24,566
I haven't cried since the
Cubbies lost it all in '03.

1035
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:25,816
How do you expect me...
Mike, you know what?

1036
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,896
Have fun with your little weirdo
girlfriend on the Internet.

1037
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:30,491
But wait, are we gonna
go to therapy or what?

1038
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,681
I'll think about it.

1039
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:45,001
<i>HEY-</i>

1040
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:47,881
(CRYING)

1041
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:52,205
Honey? Honey,
are you okay?

1042
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,443
Coach says I'm not starting.
I'm a benchwarmer.

1043
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,727
Wait, what?
No, that's impossible.

1044
00:46:57,800 --> 00:46:59,450
You're the best
forward on that team.

1045
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:01,736
Oh, my God, my life is ruined.
I'm never going to college.

1046
00:47:01,760 --> 00:47:03,762
I might as well
just become a teacher.

1047
00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:05,689
Baby, baby,
look at me for one second.

1048
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:08,201
You'll be okay. I promise
you I'm gonna handle this.

1049
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:09,971
Okay?
Okay,

1050
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:11,121
Okay.

1051
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:12,440
Just please don't make a scene.

1052
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,047
Honey, I would
never embarrass you.

1053
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:19,280
(GRUNTS)

1054
00:47:19,720 --> 00:47:21,085
Gwendolyn made me do it!

1055
00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:22,336
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?

1056
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:24,408
What is it with you moms?

1057
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,960
I am a middle school
soccercoach.

1058
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:28,565
All I wanna do

1059
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:32,651
is make enough money to feed my
cats and fill my fuckin' Prius.

1060
00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:35,007
Grow some balls! Jesus!

1061
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:36,841
Hey!

1062
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:39,760
How dare you bench my daughter?

1063
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:41,609
On, m, Amy.

1064
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:43,489
You have no right to do that.

1065
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,485
Oh, actually, I do,

1066
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:48,450
uh, because soccer
is a PTA-sponsored activity

1067
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,842
and I am the president
of the PTA. So...

1068
00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:55,126
Oh... Okay.

1069
00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:56,641
Uh...

1070
00:47:57,680 --> 00:47:58,966
Well, um...

1071
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:02,161
Not for long.

1072
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:04,607
Oh, dear.
What does that mean?

1073
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:07,286
That means I'm gonna run
against you for PTA president.

1074
00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:09,010
On. (LAUGHS)

1075
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:13,681
(WHISPERING) Amy's husband
just recently left her,

1076
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,285
so she's kind of having
a mental breakdown right now.

1077
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:19,249
Oh, that's so sad.

1078
00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:20,881
Ooh.

1079
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:26,523
You're goin' down.

1080
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:27,681
GWENDOLYN: No, honey,

1081
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:31,368
the only thing going down is
your husband on another woman.

1082
00:48:31,720 --> 00:48:32,960
Well, damn.

1083
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,409
KIKI: This is
a terrible idea, Amy.

1084
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:39,569
There's no way you can beat her.

1085
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,371
Gwendolyn has been president of
the PTA for the last six years.

1086
00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:46,724
Kiki, she messed with my kid. I
can't let that stand. Come on!

1087
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:49,096
KIKI: Right, but all
the different mom groups

1088
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:50,256
are gonna vote for Gwendolyn.

1089
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:53,250
She's got the attachment moms,
she's got the tiger moms,

1090
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:54,401
the sad moms.

1091
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:56,403
She has the blogging moms.

1092
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:57,641
She's got the CrossFit moms.

1093
00:48:57,720 --> 00:48:58,721
Camel toe moms.

1094
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:00,400
She's got the drunk moms.

1095
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:01,720
The moms that you wanna fuck.

1096
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:03,325
The moms that used to be dads.

1097
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,727
She has the moms that
always have a limb broken.

1098
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:08,121
The hairy moms.
The wearable art moms.

1099
00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:09,725
The juicing moms.
Mmm-hmm.

1100
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:12,002
She has the moms
with the huge areolas.

1101
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:15,527
The black moms, the lesbian
moms, the divorced moms.

1102
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:18,041
She even has the divorced
black lesbian moms.

1103
00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:19,770
That is a really
hard group to get.

1104
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,171
I love those girls.

1105
00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:25,484
Plus, Amy, if you lose,
she'll destroy you.

1106
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,683
She'll put your kids in all the
dumb classes with all the dum-dums.

1107
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:30,096
She'll give 'em
the crappy teachers.

1108
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:32,771
You can forget about soccer, she
won't even give your kids milk.

1109
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:36,447
But that's all the more reason
we have to bring her down.

1110
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:38,488
I mean, you guys, she's a bully!

1111
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:41,450
Okay, she wants us all to be
these perfect little Nazi-moms

1112
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,683
and our kids to be hyper-stressed
and over-scheduled.

1113
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:48,685
My daughter gets a new rash
every week, and she's 12.

1114
00:49:48,760 --> 00:49:50,046
You had me at Nazi.

1115
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:54,286
I say we go punch that
chick right in the tits.

1116
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:55,600
Yes!

1117
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:01,200
Would you like a new
PTA president? Me too!

1118
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:03,561
Hi. Meet the Candidate Night
tomorrow night, 7:30.

1119
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:06,047
Here, honey. Take one.
Vote for Amy. Really?

1120
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,491
Amy Mitchell.
PTA president.

1121
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:09,881
Come tomorrow, 7:30,
Meet the Candidate Night.

1122
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:11,001
PTA president.

1123
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:13,043
No! No, thank you!
Take it!

1124
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:15,043
Okay!
Great!

1125
00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:16,971
(LAUGHING)

1126
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:20,046
I'll fuck your husband if you don't go.
I'll fuck him!

1127
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:21,241
Vote for Amy!

1128
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:22,401
Carla, get her!

1129
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,009
Hey! Hey!

1130
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:27,321
Don't you fuckin' run from me!
Don't you fuckin'...

1131
00:50:27,480 --> 00:50:28,686
Ah!

1132
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:32,481
(CHUCKLES)

1133
00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:33,886
It's so cute.

1134
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:37,376
So, how many people
do you think are coming

1135
00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:38,686
to the Meet the Candidate Night?

1136
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:40,489
Well, I told all the
moms that I would

1137
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:42,847
bang their husbands if
they didn't show up, so...

1138
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,082
AMY: (CHUCKLES) Carla.
A lot. My answer is a lot.

1139
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:46,606
Thank you, Kiki.

1140
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:50,688
Oh, Jesus, you guys,
look at the kids.

1141
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:52,683
My daughter won't stop studying.

1142
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:53,761
CARLA: Oh, feel lucky.

1143
00:50:54,160 --> 00:50:56,891
All my kid wants to do with
books is rip 'em in half.

1144
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:01,048
I just wish I knew
how I was doing, you know?

1145
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,887
Yeah, that's the worst part
about being a mom, though,

1146
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,804
is you don't know whether or
not you're doing a good job

1147
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:08,211
until they're fully grown.

1148
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:10,123
And by that point,
it's too late.

1149
00:51:10,240 --> 00:51:12,163
(AMY SIGHS) Your kid
is either a nice guy

1150
00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:14,607
or he's giving hand
jobs in an alley for rent.

1151
00:51:14,720 --> 00:51:16,480
I don't think those
are the only two options.

1152
00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:17,841
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

1153
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:18,961
(CHUCKLES)

1154
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:22,361
Yesterday, I gave
Bernard the wrong juice box

1155
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:24,886
and he called me a dumb bitch.

1156
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:26,564
Oh, my God.
Okay.

1157
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:30,486
My kid still watches Sesame
Street and he doesn't get it.

1158
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:31,925
(CHUCKLES)

1159
00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:34,443
My daughter's
scared of balloons.

1160
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:36,485
My kid eats
butter like an entrée.

1161
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:38,250
You gonna eat your butter?

1162
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:40,016
My daughter stole money
from a homeless woman.

1163
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:41,041
(KIKI SIGHS)

1164
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:42,884
My son failed study hall.

1165
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:44,803
Claire killed
our neighbor's ferret.

1166
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:48,089
I mean, we all pretended like it
was an accident, but it wasn't.

1167
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:50,491
She's a killer.

1168
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:52,005
(LAUGHING)

1169
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:54,481
Ugh.

1170
00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:59,567
I know we make fun of them, but
fuck, I love them so much.

1171
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:00,641
KIKI: Me too.

1172
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,321
I would literally
die for them right now.

1173
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:04,965
Oh, you're making me cry.
(SNIFFLES)

1174
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:07,168
I'm already there.
I mean, oh, my God,

1175
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:09,402
YOU guys,
children are such a gift.

1176
00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:11,045
Every time I think
about that big,

1177
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:13,043
dumb motherfucker
going off to college,

1178
00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:14,531
I wanna cry like a baby.

1179
00:52:15,680 --> 00:52:16,920
(BLOWS NOSE)

1180
00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:26,441
This sucks.

1181
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:27,960
I can't believe
you're making me cook

1182
00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:29,929
my own breakfast
every single day.

1183
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:33,131
You're doing awesome, buddy.
You really are.

1184
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,169
Hey, so where's
my science project?

1185
00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:37,125
Oh, I didn't do it.

1186
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:38,531
What? But it's due today.

1187
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:40,523
Yeah. Yeah.
That's so unfair!

1188
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:42,369
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry.

1189
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:43,976
But you're gonna
actually have to start

1190
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:45,490
doing your own
homework from now on.

1191
00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:48,648
I am a slow learner, remember?

1192
00:52:48,720 --> 00:52:52,008
You're not a slow learner.
You're just entitled.

1193
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:55,080
Honey, do you know
what "entitled" means?

1194
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:57,808
No. Because
I'm a slow learner.

1195
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:03,129
It means that Mommy and Daddy
have been spoiling you,

1196
00:53:03,240 --> 00:53:06,164
and now you think the
world owes you something,

1197
00:53:06,240 --> 00:53:08,083
but it doesn't.

1198
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,322
And if you don't learn
how to work hard now,

1199
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:13,688
then you're just gonna grow up to
be like another entitled white dude

1200
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:16,127
who thinks he's awesome
for no reason.

1201
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:18,168
And then you'll start
a ska band,

1202
00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:21,528
and it'll be awful, and
you'll be mean to girls,

1203
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:25,207
and you'll grow this ironic
mustache to look interesting,

1204
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:28,329
but you won't actually be interesting,
and I'm not okay with that.

1205
00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:32,724
So will you please, please,
just do your own homework?

1206
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:35,844
Fine. Jesus!

1207
00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:37,001
Great.

1208
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:43,011
I love you.

1209
00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:48,530
So where are your kids tonight?

1210
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:50,096
Oh, they're staying
at a friend's house.

1211
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:51,884
I gave my kid $10
and a cell phone

1212
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:53,216
and I dropped him off at Arby's.

1213
00:53:53,240 --> 00:53:54,765
He'll be fine for hours.

1214
00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:56,647
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

1215
00:53:56,720 --> 00:53:57,856
CARLA: (GASPS)
Somebody's here.

1216
00:53:57,880 --> 00:53:59,086
Amy for president!
AMY: Yes!

1217
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:03,322
Hi. Nice to meet you.

1218
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:06,609
Thank you so much for coming.

1219
00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:09,644
I didn't want her
to bang my husband.

1220
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:12,045
No, she was just kidding.

1221
00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:13,241
Oh.

1222
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:14,970
(MOUTHING)
I wasn't kidding.

1223
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:16,961
Ugh.

1224
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:19,642
Come in, come in. I'm
sorry, nobody's here yet.

1225
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:23,129
Yeah, well, I figured, what with Gwendolyn's
party and everything. (CHUCKLES)

1226
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,328
I'm sorry, what did you say?

1227
00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:28,803
Oh, nuts.

1228
00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:30,241
You didn't know.

1229
00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:34,086
Gwendolyn decided to throw a
competing party at her house.

1230
00:54:34,160 --> 00:54:36,640
And she has Martha Stewart.

1231
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:40,161
How would you like to try
these special meatballs?

1232
00:54:40,240 --> 00:54:41,976
Now, I don't have anything
nice to say to anyone,

1233
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:43,570
but I have to tell you,
I just love you.

1234
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:46,086
I've always wanted
to be you, actually.

1235
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:47,207
Yes.
Oh.

1236
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:48,931
Martha, sweetheart.
Hi, hi.

1237
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:52,083
Everything looks so beautiful.

1238
00:54:52,160 --> 00:54:54,766
Well, thank you so much,
and how's Blaire and Gandhi?

1239
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:57,411
It's been nice talking to you,
Martha, but I have things to do.

1240
00:54:57,520 --> 00:54:58,601
Stop talking to her.
Okay.

1241
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:01,365
Um, ladies? Hi, can I get
your attention, please?

1242
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:03,761
Eyes here so I know you're hearing me.
PARTY GUESTS: Shh.

1243
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,491
Listen, the program is gonna
begin in about five minutes,

1244
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:08,608
so take your
assigned seats, okay?

1245
00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:10,725
Right now. Do it right now.

1246
00:55:11,160 --> 00:55:12,844
I can't believe
Gwendolyn would do this.

1247
00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:14,485
I'm so sorry, sweetie.

1248
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:19,324
You guys, what are we gonna
do with all this shitty wine?

1249
00:55:19,680 --> 00:55:21,762
For the next two hours,
I'm gonna talk to you guys

1250
00:55:21,880 --> 00:55:24,326
about the advantages
of year-round school.

1251
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:28,961
We need to change
our children's future

1252
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:33,523
by making them go to
school 365 days a year.

1253
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:35,286
(ALL LAUGHING)

1254
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:36,646
Three, two, one, go!

1255
00:55:36,720 --> 00:55:37,801
(GASPS) Catfish!

1256
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:38,881
Did she say it?

1257
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:40,016
Drink again! Drink
again, drink again!

1258
00:55:40,040 --> 00:55:41,536
Why am I the one
that's always drinking?

1259
00:55:41,560 --> 00:55:43,130
Because you said the clue word.

1260
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:44,406
KIKI: That's when
you say it.

1261
00:55:44,520 --> 00:55:45,680
I don't understand this game.

1262
00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:47,563
It's not a reading game!
(CARLA LAUGHING)

1263
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:48,727
Okay, go.

1264
00:55:48,800 --> 00:55:50,484
Amy.
AMY: What?

1265
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:52,722
No, Amy!
Emu!

1266
00:55:52,840 --> 00:55:53,921
(INDISTINCT)

1267
00:55:54,000 --> 00:55:55,490
It said fuckin' "emu"!

1268
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:57,564
You're not good at this.
(LAUGHING)

1269
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,847
CARLA: Drink!
Drink again!

1270
00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:02,927
I'm gonna take you
back a little bit.

1271
00:56:03,720 --> 00:56:05,006
Genghis Khan.

1272
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:06,969
Do you think he had
year-round schooling?

1273
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:09,005
I think not.

1274
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:10,844
Skip forward a little bit.

1275
00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:12,490
Osama bin Laden.

1276
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:15,200
(CELL PHONES RINGING) He
didn't have year-round school.

1277
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:17,456
(INDISTINCT MURMURS) There's
nothing more dangerous

1278
00:56:17,480 --> 00:56:19,562
than summer vacation.

1279
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:22,640
GWENDOLYN: Okay, ladies?
WOMAN: Yeah, let's go.

1280
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:24,490
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

1281
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,364
Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you.
Come in, come in, come in.

1282
00:56:28,920 --> 00:56:30,570
Wow, there's a lot of you.

1283
00:56:31,320 --> 00:56:32,321
Ooh.

1284
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:38,736
Are you sure you can't
stay a little bit longer?

1285
00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:40,364
Oh. I've only got my
sitter until 9:00.

1286
00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:42,124
So I have to
skedaddle right now.

1287
00:56:42,200 --> 00:56:43,531
Okay. No, I understand.
I'm a mom.

1288
00:56:44,280 --> 00:56:45,416
I had such a great night.
Bye!

1289
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:46,680
WOMAN: We'll see you
over there.

1290
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,281
Well, that ended a lot
earlier than I anticipated.

1291
00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:50,361
Yeah.

1292
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:52,616
You don't think
they're all going over

1293
00:56:52,640 --> 00:56:54,768
to Amy's party, do you?
(LAUGHS)

1294
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,446
Vicky, we had Martha fuckin'
Stewart here tonight.

1295
00:56:57,520 --> 00:56:59,010
Who does Amy have, hmm?

1296
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:03,536
I'll drive. She could
have a point, yeah.

1297
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:05,324
(ALL CHEERING)

1298
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:07,405
This party is raging.

1299
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:08,606
What a turnout.
(GASPS)

1300
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:11,486
Hi, would you ladies
like a Jell-O shot?

1301
00:57:11,560 --> 00:57:14,131
Is that...
ls that...

1302
00:57:14,240 --> 00:57:15,651
Martha Stewart?

1303
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:17,171
KIKI: Thank you.
AMY: Martha.

1304
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:18,891
Oh, my God.
MARTHA: Good, right?

1305
00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:20,405
I'm cumming.

1306
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,721
AMY: Oh, my God.
What's in this?

1307
00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:25,565
Well, it's bespoke
lingonberry gelatin...

1308
00:57:25,640 --> 00:57:27,642
Mmm.
And a shitload of vodka.

1309
00:57:28,080 --> 00:57:29,081
(CHUCKLES)

1310
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:30,321
They're delicious.

1311
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:32,607
I start my day
with six of these.

1312
00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:34,211
(ALL LAUGHING)

1313
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:37,482
Drink! Drink!

1314
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:40,291
Drink! Drink! Drink!

1315
00:58:00,360 --> 00:58:01,361
(LAUGHING)

1316
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:10,680
Whoo!

1317
00:58:36,360 --> 00:58:37,361
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

1318
00:58:39,240 --> 00:58:40,241
Whoo!
(CHEERING)

1319
00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:16,090
Holy shit.

1320
00:59:21,080 --> 00:59:24,209
Is that Jennifer Noonan
peeing behind that car?

1321
00:59:24,280 --> 00:59:25,520
STACY: Oh, my goodness.

1322
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:27,762
VICKY: This party
looks awesome!

1323
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:29,446
I need to go to this party.

1324
00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:30,646
What? Vicky!
Whoo!

1325
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,687
Please, shut up!
Just shut up for one second.

1326
00:59:33,760 --> 00:59:37,287
I know it's a school night, so we're
just gonna get right down to it.

1327
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:41,962
I wanna introduce you
to your next PTA president...

1328
00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:43,521
(ALL CHEERING)

1329
00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:45,961
Amy Mitchell!

1330
00:59:49,480 --> 00:59:50,970
Yes!

1331
00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:56,240
First of all,
I just wanna say this,

1332
00:59:56,320 --> 01:00:00,803
that I think that we, as
moms, do way too much stuff.

1333
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:06,645
And if I'm elected, I promise
you we are gonna do way less.

1334
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:07,881
Whoo!

1335
01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:12,289
Right? Less PTA meetings, less
luncheons, less fuckin' bake sales,

1336
01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:14,442
just less bullshit!

1337
01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:15,766
(ALL CHEERING)

1338
01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:18,286
AMY:
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

1339
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:20,256
And I think that our kids
need a break, too, you guys.

1340
01:00:20,280 --> 01:00:23,682
Come on, now, school starts
way too fucking early, okay?

1341
01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:25,360
God, and they have
way too much homework.

1342
01:00:25,400 --> 01:00:26,456
I mean, our kids
don't even have time

1343
01:00:26,480 --> 01:00:27,970
to be kids anymore, am I right?

1344
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:29,605
(ALL AGREEING)

1345
01:00:30,320 --> 01:00:32,687
And what is up with these five
standardized tests a week?

1346
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:35,929
We should not be teaching our
kids how to be good test-takers.

1347
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,731
We should be teaching them
how to be good people!

1348
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:42,602
What is a standardized test?

1349
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:46,287
So, if you're a mom who's
overworked, overstressed,

1350
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:50,206
or if you're just a mom
who wants to do less...

1351
01:00:50,520 --> 01:00:51,681
ALL: Yes!

1352
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:53,965
Then just vote for me.

1353
01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:55,730
(ALL CHEERING)

1354
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:03,922
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!

1355
01:01:04,040 --> 01:01:05,644
This basic bitch right here,

1356
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:07,085
she's gonna win the election.

1357
01:01:07,720 --> 01:01:09,210
No, she's not.

1358
01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:11,846
Because I'm going to
hit her where it counts.

1359
01:01:12,640 --> 01:01:14,563
You're gonna punch her
in the vagina?

1360
01:01:14,640 --> 01:01:17,484
I literally don't know why we
hang out with you anymore.

1361
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:29,886
Do you know the best thing
about mom parties?

1362
01:01:29,960 --> 01:01:32,406
They end at exactly
11:00.

1363
01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:33,481
(CHUCKLES)

1364
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:36,246
I made out with
so many women tonight.

1365
01:01:36,480 --> 01:01:38,528
I know.
KIKI: Guys...

1366
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:41,561
I really like whippets.

1367
01:01:41,640 --> 01:01:42,641
(LAUGHING)

1368
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:43,921
Hello?

1369
01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:48,090
Wow. Hey.

1370
01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:50,845
What are you doing here?

1371
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:55,324
Well, you kind of
booty texted me.

1372
01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:56,721
Uh...

1373
01:01:57,240 --> 01:02:00,369
What? It was a great party, Am.
So, uh...

1374
01:02:00,760 --> 01:02:02,091
Okay. You got all this, right?

1375
01:02:02,160 --> 01:02:04,083
Hi, Jessie. I really
like your clothes.

1376
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,446
That was odd.

1377
01:02:06,880 --> 01:02:08,280
(INAUDIBLE) (CHUCKLES)
I'm so sorry.

1378
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:10,561
Um...

1379
01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:15,884
I actually think Carla may have
booty texted you off my phone.

1380
01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:18,327
Oh, okay. (LAUGHS)
Okay, that makes sense

1381
01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:21,529
because what she wrote
was fuckin' disturbing.

1382
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:23,523
Sorry-It's okay-

1383
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:25,964
Um, I don't know.

1384
01:02:27,280 --> 01:02:28,441
Should I leave?

1385
01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:31,881
No.

1386
01:02:35,760 --> 01:02:37,000
Uh...

1387
01:02:37,480 --> 01:02:39,528
I was really
hoping you'd say that.

1388
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:51,724
So what exactly
did Carla text you?

1389
01:02:53,920 --> 01:02:55,160
Why don't I show you?

1390
01:02:55,400 --> 01:02:56,640
(GASPS) on.

1391
01:02:57,400 --> 01:02:58,447
Okay.

1392
01:03:02,240 --> 01:03:03,241
(GASPS)

1393
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:07,565
Oh, yes!

1394
01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:09,361
(BOTH MOAN)

1395
01:03:16,000 --> 01:03:18,685
AMY: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(JESSIE PANTING)

1396
01:03:19,640 --> 01:03:21,005
Oh, that was...

1397
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:22,849
Unbelievable.
I can't...

1398
01:03:23,320 --> 01:03:24,401
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

1399
01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:25,761
What was that...
Wow.

1400
01:03:25,840 --> 01:03:27,285
That thing you did at the end?

1401
01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:29,204
(LAUGHS)
I don't know.

1402
01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:31,442
I kind of came up
with it in the moment.

1403
01:03:31,520 --> 01:03:32,567
Was it okay?

1404
01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:34,364
Oh, my god, it was amazing!
Yeah?

1405
01:03:34,480 --> 01:03:36,926
That was by far the best I've ever had.
Oh, God.

1406
01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:38,451
Oh, I was so worried.

1407
01:03:38,520 --> 01:03:40,400
You know, it's been awhile
since I've done this.

1408
01:03:40,680 --> 01:03:42,603
I think I got pregnant.
(LAUGHS)

1409
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:45,251
Oh, my God.
Really. Hey.

1410
01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:48,250
Hi, yeah. Can I go
down on you again?

1411
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,443
Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

1412
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:51,646
Cool.
Okay.

1413
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:53,529
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God.

1414
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,569
Okay.
All right.

1415
01:03:55,680 --> 01:03:56,681
Oh.
Mmm.

1416
01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:59,043
(GASPS) on.

1417
01:03:59,120 --> 01:04:00,884
Oh, look at you go.

1418
01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:07,050
VICKY: God,
it's dark in here.

1419
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:12,564
(WHISPERING) God. I still don't
understand what we're doing.

1420
01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:15,246
Stop it. You guys never
tell me what we're...

1421
01:04:20,840 --> 01:04:22,922
GWENDOLYN: Vicky, why are
you so fuckin' stupid?

1422
01:04:26,160 --> 01:04:30,927
I like to start by saying that
every marriage is savable.

1423
01:04:31,040 --> 01:04:33,361
You just need two people who
are willing to work at it.

1424
01:04:33,760 --> 01:04:34,761
Okay?

1425
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:38,090
Mike, Amy, I want you
to look at each other

1426
01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:41,926
and say three things that
you like about each other.

1427
01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:45,041
Mike?

1428
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:48,044
Can I go second?
Okay. Yeah, sure.

1429
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:49,930
Uh, Amy?

1430
01:04:50,240 --> 01:04:54,768
Okay, uh, Mike, I like that
you gave me my children.

1431
01:04:55,200 --> 01:04:57,680
Uh, I like that you pick them
up from school sometimes.

1432
01:04:57,760 --> 01:05:00,127
It's actually really helpful.

1433
01:05:00,640 --> 01:05:04,725
And, uh, I like that you
came to therapy today.

1434
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:07,448
Okay, Mike. Your turn.
MIKE: Okay.

1435
01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:10,400
I like your spaghetti.

1436
01:05:11,800 --> 01:05:13,848
And you make
pretty good calzone.

1437
01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:16,961
Was that three?

1438
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:20,921
That was like one and then 1A.

1439
01:05:22,160 --> 01:05:25,801
You know what? Um...
Let's try some role playing.

1440
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:28,927
All right, Amy, I want you
to pretend to be Mike,

1441
01:05:29,560 --> 01:05:32,723
and Mike, I want you
to pretend to be Amy.

1442
01:05:33,280 --> 01:05:35,248
Okay? And now
I just want you to

1443
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:37,687
just tell me about your day.

1444
01:05:39,800 --> 01:05:41,211
(IN FALSETTO)
Hi, I'm Amy.

1445
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:45,805
All I did today was, like,
rub lotion on my face

1446
01:05:46,160 --> 01:05:49,403
and talk, talk, talk, talk.

1447
01:05:49,480 --> 01:05:50,606
Okay. Uh...

1448
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:53,608
Amy, would you like to...
Yes, I would!

1449
01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:57,884
Hey, I'm Mike.

1450
01:05:58,320 --> 01:05:59,321
Um...

1451
01:05:59,440 --> 01:06:00,885
My life is awesome

1452
01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:04,169
because my wife takes care of
everything in the world for me.

1453
01:06:04,280 --> 01:06:06,282
This is the problem!
Here's the bottom line!

1454
01:06:06,360 --> 01:06:07,930
She's a perfectionist.

1455
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:09,256
So what's the point
of even trying, okay?

1456
01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:10,327
How is that a problem?

1457
01:06:10,400 --> 01:06:11,925
And she hasn't given me a blowie

1458
01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:13,604
since my birthday
five years ago!

1459
01:06:13,680 --> 01:06:15,536
Are you fucking kidding me?
Which is so not cool!

1460
01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:16,800
Hold on one second!

1461
01:06:16,880 --> 01:06:18,166
You want a blowie?

1462
01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:21,289
Maybe if you cleaned the
kitchen, made the kids dinner,

1463
01:06:21,360 --> 01:06:23,761
cared for someone
other than yourself,

1464
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:25,016
I would give you so many blowies

1465
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:26,451
your fuckin' dick would explode.

1466
01:06:26,520 --> 01:06:28,656
My dick would never explode
'cause it's indestructible.

1467
01:06:28,680 --> 01:06:31,570
Oh, my God, I can't deal with you!
I can't fucking look at you.

1468
01:06:31,640 --> 01:06:32,641
I'm...

1469
01:06:33,520 --> 01:06:34,885
Mike, I...

1470
01:06:34,960 --> 01:06:36,450
I don't love you anymore.

1471
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:39,046
I'm so sorry, but I just don't.

1472
01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:41,686
I'm so sick and tired
of pretending like I do.

1473
01:06:42,920 --> 01:06:46,561
That is exactly how I feel.

1474
01:06:52,360 --> 01:06:53,361
Okay...

1475
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:58,250
Remember when I said that
all marriages are savable?

1476
01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:02,328
Well, it ain't gonna
happen for you guys.

1477
01:07:03,720 --> 01:07:05,404
So what do you
think we should do?

1478
01:07:05,760 --> 01:07:09,242
Well, as a therapist, I'm not
allowed to tell you what to do,

1479
01:07:09,360 --> 01:07:13,684
but <i>as</i> a human being with two
fuckin' eyes in my head,

1480
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:17,930
yeah, I think you should get
divorced <i>as</i> soon as possible.

1481
01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:20,524
This is some catastrophic shit.

1482
01:07:44,120 --> 01:07:45,645
I think it's for the best.

1483
01:07:46,400 --> 01:07:47,606
Yeah. Me too.

1484
01:07:51,280 --> 01:07:52,441
Can I give you a hug?

1485
01:07:56,600 --> 01:07:59,809
Mike. I'm so sorry.

1486
01:08:02,520 --> 01:08:03,806
I'm sorry, too.

1487
01:08:04,320 --> 01:08:05,321
Mmm.

1488
01:08:10,280 --> 01:08:11,296
You gotta watch
out for you first.

1489
01:08:11,320 --> 01:08:14,290
Dale, why is there a
security guard in my office?

1490
01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:15,851
Hey, Amy, uh, I'm so sorry,

1491
01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:18,491
but we're gonna have to
positively transition you.

1492
01:08:18,560 --> 01:08:20,050
Are you firing me?

1493
01:08:20,120 --> 01:08:23,203
Yuck. Okay, that's not my word.
I don't like that word.

1494
01:08:23,320 --> 01:08:24,321
But, yes, I'm firing you.

1495
01:08:24,440 --> 01:08:25,441
Why?

1496
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:27,284
Well, you quit
coming to the office.

1497
01:08:27,360 --> 01:08:30,489
Okay, maybe I've been slacking
off a little bit, but...

1498
01:08:31,400 --> 01:08:34,324
Tessa took two weeks off when Jon
Snow died on Game of Thrones,

1499
01:08:34,400 --> 01:08:35,496
and he's not even a real person.

1500
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:38,126
To be fair, we all took two
weeks off when Jon Snow died.

1501
01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:40,320
You're the only person that
didn't take two weeks off.

1502
01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:42,206
But as a token of appreciation

1503
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:43,680
for your six years
with the company,

1504
01:08:43,720 --> 01:08:45,609
I got you a very special gift.

1505
01:08:48,840 --> 01:08:50,205
You got me
the four-ounce bag?

1506
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:51,964
Couldn't even
splurge for the eight?

1507
01:08:52,080 --> 01:08:53,445
(SHRIEKS)

1508
01:08:59,400 --> 01:09:00,481
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

1509
01:09:03,400 --> 01:09:04,401
What?

1510
01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:07,376
<i>PRINCIPAL</i> BURR: <i>Ms-Mitchell, this is
Principal Burr. We need you to come in.</i>

1511
01:09:07,400 --> 01:09:09,323
Okay, okay.
I'll be right there,

1512
01:09:09,400 --> 01:09:12,165
and I'm very sorry, Principal,
for how I answered the phone.

1513
01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:17,010
I'm sorry.
You found what?

1514
01:09:17,080 --> 01:09:20,289
I found marijuana cigarettes
in your daughter's locker.

1515
01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:23,011
Now, it looks like Sour Diesel
or a little Afghan Kush.

1516
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,242
That's impossible.
She's only 12.

1517
01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:28,045
It happens. Snoop been
smokin' since he was five.

1518
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,321
Those aren't mine.

1519
01:09:29,400 --> 01:09:31,323
I mean, Mom, I swear to God,
they're not mine.

1520
01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:32,640
Baby, I believe you.

1521
01:09:32,720 --> 01:09:34,722
And why were you looking
in my locker anyway?

1522
01:09:34,840 --> 01:09:38,003
We were tipped off
by a concerned parent.

1523
01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:40,329
Wait a minute.

1524
01:09:40,400 --> 01:09:42,846
Was this concerned parent's
name Gwendolyn James?

1525
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:45,216
Hey, listen, I don't know nothin'
about Gwendolyn James, all right?

1526
01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:46,287
That woman scares me.

1527
01:09:46,360 --> 01:09:49,842
What I do know is this school
is a zero-tolerance school,

1528
01:09:49,920 --> 01:09:51,216
so that means that
your daughter's banned

1529
01:09:51,240 --> 01:09:52,890
from all extra-curricular
activities.

1530
01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:54,161
What does that mean?

1531
01:09:54,240 --> 01:09:55,765
That means you're
off the soccer team.

1532
01:09:55,920 --> 01:09:57,126
What?

1533
01:09:58,200 --> 01:10:00,282
Oh, my God.
Hey, my hands were tied.

1534
01:10:01,840 --> 01:10:03,080
Honey, baby, hold on.

1535
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,967
That little girl
rolls a real tight jay.

1536
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:09,690
This is all your fault.

1537
01:10:09,760 --> 01:10:11,444
Why did you mess
with Gwendolyn James?

1538
01:10:11,560 --> 01:10:13,324
AMY: Sweetie,
I am so sorry.

1539
01:10:13,560 --> 01:10:15,289
Honey, please,
I didn't mean for this.

1540
01:10:15,440 --> 01:10:17,204
Yes, you did mean to, Mom!

1541
01:10:17,600 --> 01:10:20,365
You were sick of
being a mom, so you quit

1542
01:10:20,440 --> 01:10:21,805
and you started partying

1543
01:10:21,880 --> 01:10:23,848
with your weird, new friends,

1544
01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:26,048
and blowing off work,
and, oh, yeah,

1545
01:10:26,120 --> 01:10:29,249
having sex with
Lori Harkness' dad.

1546
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:30,761
So gross!

1547
01:10:31,160 --> 01:10:32,969
Honey, I know that you're mad.

1548
01:10:33,080 --> 01:10:35,367
I get it.
You are so selfish, Mom.

1549
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:38,603
You are so selfish and
it frigging sucks, okay?

1550
01:10:38,720 --> 01:10:41,690
Baby, I'm so sorry. Tell me,
how can I make this better?

1551
01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:43,922
No. I wanna stay
with Dad tonight.

1552
01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:45,490
Even he's a better
parent than you.

1553
01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:47,001
(SIGHS)

1554
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:55,526
Oh, my God.

1555
01:10:56,400 --> 01:10:59,051
Guys! Guys, guys.
Did you hear?

1556
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:02,203
Amy Mitchell's daughter
got busted for drugs.

1557
01:11:02,320 --> 01:11:03,970
What? No way!
Yeah.

1558
01:11:04,480 --> 01:11:07,245
Look, I am not blaming Amy Mitchell.
I mean, my God, I would never...

1559
01:11:07,320 --> 01:11:09,687
Of course... ever
judge another mother,

1560
01:11:09,800 --> 01:11:12,087
but I think we really
have to ask ourselves,

1561
01:11:12,160 --> 01:11:16,563
do we want someone who is that
reckless and irresponsible

1562
01:11:16,640 --> 01:11:21,328
and mentally unhinged alcoholic
to be president of the PTA?

1563
01:11:22,360 --> 01:11:23,407
I don't know.

1564
01:11:23,480 --> 01:11:26,848
You know what? I never even liked her.
She looks foreign.

1565
01:11:26,960 --> 01:11:28,689
Oh, God.
Foreigners.

1566
01:11:28,760 --> 01:11:30,808
Listen. I think now
we just need to pray

1567
01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:34,089
that Amy's little crackhead
daughter gets the help she needs.

1568
01:11:35,040 --> 01:11:36,041
(INAUDIBLE)

1569
01:11:39,040 --> 01:11:40,485
Mike, if Janey needs anything,

1570
01:11:40,560 --> 01:11:42,767
and I mean anything,
just please call me.

1571
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:45,127
Babe, it's gonna be fine.
I'm staying at the Waldorf.

1572
01:11:45,200 --> 01:11:47,851
They got an indoor-outdoor
pool, room service,

1573
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:49,016
18-hole golf course.
It's killer.

1574
01:11:49,040 --> 01:11:50,883
You're staying at the Waldorf?

1575
01:11:50,960 --> 01:11:53,725
God, this is a divorce,
not a luxury vacation, Mike.

1576
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:55,325
It's a safe hotel.

1577
01:11:55,400 --> 01:11:58,370
Wait, bye, angel! Have so
much fun with Daddy!

1578
01:11:59,360 --> 01:12:00,850
Can I get a hug?

1579
01:12:02,280 --> 01:12:04,965
No? Okay. Okay.

1580
01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,927
Oh, no, buddy, wait.
You're also going?

1581
01:12:09,000 --> 01:12:11,321
Dylan, you know
the hotel has TVs.

1582
01:12:11,400 --> 01:12:13,209
You don't have
to bring your own.

1583
01:12:13,320 --> 01:12:14,321
(ROSCOE WHINES)

1584
01:12:15,560 --> 01:12:18,643
Oh, Roscoe, not you, too.

1585
01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:21,246
Oh, the Waldorf's
dog-friendly, so don't worry.

1586
01:12:21,360 --> 01:12:22,691
Yeah. So.

1587
01:12:22,760 --> 01:12:24,410
Mike, please go.
Yeah.

1588
01:12:29,160 --> 01:12:30,366
Bye, kids.

1589
01:12:32,840 --> 01:12:33,841
(SIGHS)

1590
01:14:05,480 --> 01:14:08,370
<i>PRINCIPAL</i> BURR: <i>Welcome to
the annual PTA election.</i>

1591
01:14:09,560 --> 01:14:11,881
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

1592
01:14:13,320 --> 01:14:15,926
We will start with
the candidates' statements,

1593
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:18,480
and since only one
bothered to show up,

1594
01:14:19,160 --> 01:14:20,491
she will go first.

1595
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:23,325
Gwendolyn,
you have five minutes.

1596
01:14:26,000 --> 01:14:28,162
Thank you.
I'll talk as long as I want.

1597
01:14:29,000 --> 01:14:30,923
(MAN SCREAMING
ON TV)

1598
01:14:35,520 --> 01:14:37,807
God, this movie's depressing.

1599
01:14:38,320 --> 01:14:39,656
(KNOCKING) CARLA: Amy!
Amy, I'm sorry we're late.

1600
01:14:39,680 --> 01:14:41,011
Oh, my God!
It's Kiki's fault.

1601
01:14:41,160 --> 01:14:42,176
Sorry we're late, honey.
So sorry.

1602
01:14:42,200 --> 01:14:43,247
I had to pee.

1603
01:14:43,360 --> 01:14:44,536
What's happening?
Why aren't you ready?

1604
01:14:44,560 --> 01:14:45,641
What's going on?

1605
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:47,051
What are you talking about?

1606
01:14:47,400 --> 01:14:49,243
What are you...
It's the PTA election.

1607
01:14:49,360 --> 01:14:52,204
Oh, my God, no. Sorry,
I'm not going to that.

1608
01:14:52,320 --> 01:14:53,731
What? Why not?

1609
01:14:53,880 --> 01:14:55,450
Oh, I don't know.

1610
01:14:55,520 --> 01:14:59,286
Maybe because my husband
left me, my kids left me.

1611
01:14:59,360 --> 01:15:01,203
My fucking dog left me.

1612
01:15:01,320 --> 01:15:03,448
All the moms in school hate me,

1613
01:15:03,560 --> 01:15:07,849
and I am a complete and
utter failure <i>as</i> a mother.

1614
01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:10,127
First of all, you are so
not a failure <i>as</i> a mother.

1615
01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:12,965
In fact, you're the best
mother that we've ever seen.

1616
01:15:13,040 --> 01:15:14,041
True that.

1617
01:15:14,160 --> 01:15:16,128
You give your kids salad.

1618
01:15:16,240 --> 01:15:18,242
You remember your
kids' birthdays.

1619
01:15:18,720 --> 01:15:20,927
I mean, I sat here
and watched you wait

1620
01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:23,606
until your kid fell
asleep before you got high.

1621
01:15:23,680 --> 01:15:26,251
Most moms do that, Carla.

1622
01:15:26,840 --> 01:15:28,056
(WHISPERS)
That's most moms, yeah.

1623
01:15:28,080 --> 01:15:31,721
Well, whatever. This is the worst
thing I've ever seen you do.

1624
01:15:31,880 --> 01:15:32,961
You've quit trying.

1625
01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:35,570
We don't quit!
Moms don't quit!

1626
01:15:35,680 --> 01:15:38,001
No! Quitting
is for dads!

1627
01:15:38,080 --> 01:15:39,081
Uh...

1628
01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:42,081
Listen, no matter what
shit is thrown at us,

1629
01:15:42,160 --> 01:15:43,241
us moms, we have to just...

1630
01:15:44,280 --> 01:15:45,770
We have to just keep going.
Mmm-hmm.

1631
01:15:45,960 --> 01:15:47,371
And do you know why?

1632
01:15:47,480 --> 01:15:49,244
Because we have
low self-esteem.

1633
01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:51,169
No. No, no.

1634
01:15:51,920 --> 01:15:54,048
It's because we love our kids.

1635
01:15:54,120 --> 01:15:55,400
It's because we love our stupid,

1636
01:15:55,440 --> 01:15:57,841
selfish, ungrateful,
little shit-faces!

1637
01:15:57,920 --> 01:15:58,920
That's why.

1638
01:15:58,960 --> 01:16:01,691
We love 'em so much
that we would do...

1639
01:16:02,440 --> 01:16:03,885
Literally anything for them.

1640
01:16:04,600 --> 01:16:06,409
You guys,
I can't win the election.

1641
01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:07,481
Oh, my God!
Amy!

1642
01:16:07,560 --> 01:16:09,164
Amy! This is not
about the election.

1643
01:16:09,240 --> 01:16:10,241
Amy, sit up.

1644
01:16:10,320 --> 01:16:12,004
This is about
standing up to the bitch

1645
01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:13,809
that hurt your little girl!

1646
01:16:14,000 --> 01:16:18,085
Now, are you gonna sit here and let
Gwendolyn get away with this shit?

1647
01:16:18,160 --> 01:16:19,924
Don't do it, Amy.
Fuck that!

1648
01:16:20,000 --> 01:16:21,240
Fuck it!

1649
01:16:21,680 --> 01:16:25,890
You are gonna rise up like a
small, little white Apollo Creed

1650
01:16:26,560 --> 01:16:28,841
and you are gonna look at
Gwendolyn and you are gonna say,

1651
01:16:28,960 --> 01:16:30,576
"You can do what you want
to me, I don't care,

1652
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:31,647
"throw it at me,

1653
01:16:31,760 --> 01:16:34,001
"but you fucked
with my daughter,

1654
01:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,531
"and now I have to fight you.

1655
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:38,642
"I will fight you
in the playground.

1656
01:16:38,800 --> 01:16:40,802
"I will fight you
in the cafeteria.

1657
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:45,486
"I will even fight you in the
parking lot of Trader Joe's.

1658
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:49,491
"But I will have justice
for my little girl,

1659
01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:53,564
"because I am a fucking mom.

1660
01:16:55,120 --> 01:16:58,169
"And we protect
our young."

1661
01:17:00,720 --> 01:17:02,927
So get up off this couch,

1662
01:17:03,000 --> 01:17:05,970
turn <i>off 12 Years</i> a <i>Slave</i>

1663
01:17:06,040 --> 01:17:08,042
and let's body slam this bitch.

1664
01:17:11,560 --> 01:17:13,608
KIKI: Come on, Amy. Come on,

1665
01:17:13,680 --> 01:17:14,966
get those tits up.

1666
01:17:15,040 --> 01:17:16,690
Get 'em up.
Get 'em up.

1667
01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:18,569
Get your boobs up.
Get those tits right up.

1668
01:17:18,680 --> 01:17:20,762
I'm gonna get my tits up.
Get your tits up!

1669
01:17:20,880 --> 01:17:22,536
They're getting up, you guys.
They're getting UP-

1670
01:17:22,560 --> 01:17:24,176
I can see it. Guys, my
tits are gettin' up.

1671
01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:26,282
They're getting up. They're getting up.
That's it.

1672
01:17:26,360 --> 01:17:27,805
They are up!

1673
01:17:35,680 --> 01:17:36,681
(CARLA WHOOPING)

1674
01:17:37,520 --> 01:17:39,045
Go, go, go, go!

1675
01:17:39,600 --> 01:17:40,840
(TIRES SCREECHING)

1676
01:17:40,920 --> 01:17:42,809
(ALL SCREAMING)

1677
01:17:45,080 --> 01:17:46,081
Oh, my God.

1678
01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:48,766
I can't seem to locate
my safety belt back here.

1679
01:17:54,840 --> 01:17:56,524
This is a one-way street!

1680
01:17:58,360 --> 01:17:59,486
Move out of the way!

1681
01:17:59,560 --> 01:18:02,689
We're on our way to a PTA
meeting, motherfuckers!

1682
01:18:02,880 --> 01:18:04,120
Oh, my God, there's a truck!

1683
01:18:04,400 --> 01:18:06,323
Truck! Truck! Truck!
Oh, my God!

1684
01:18:06,600 --> 01:18:07,681
(HONKING)

1685
01:18:11,080 --> 01:18:12,366
Oh, my God.

1686
01:18:12,560 --> 01:18:13,721
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

1687
01:18:13,800 --> 01:18:16,406
Oh, shit. Oh, fun.
Kent is calling.

1688
01:18:17,000 --> 01:18:18,240
Hi, honey.
KENT: <i>Kiki.</i>

1689
01:18:18,920 --> 01:18:20,649
(CRYING)
The kids are going insane.

1690
01:18:20,720 --> 01:18:22,882
I can't do this.
You gotta come home right now.

1691
01:18:23,400 --> 01:18:25,164
But I can't come home.

1692
01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:27,971
I'm going to the PTA
meeting with my friends.

1693
01:18:28,040 --> 01:18:30,247
No, no, no, no. I said
come home now, damn it!

1694
01:18:33,680 --> 01:18:34,841
And I said,

1695
01:18:34,920 --> 01:18:38,845
"I'm going to the fucking PTA
meeting with my fucking friends,"

1696
01:18:38,920 --> 01:18:41,890
so stop being such a goddamn
pussy and make it work!

1697
01:18:42,560 --> 01:18:43,891
Kiki. Kiki...

1698
01:18:47,000 --> 01:18:48,001
(SCREAMS)

1699
01:18:48,400 --> 01:18:49,686
That was very exciting.

1700
01:18:49,760 --> 01:18:51,576
How good did that feel?
That felt good, didn't it?

1701
01:18:51,600 --> 01:18:53,443
It's very exciting!
Yes!

1702
01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:55,562
It's very exciting!
(CARLA AND AMY WHOOPING)

1703
01:18:57,360 --> 01:19:00,204
And it is for that reason
and the 47 others

1704
01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:02,169
that I laid out for you today

1705
01:19:02,240 --> 01:19:04,766
that I humbly ask for your vote.

1706
01:19:09,440 --> 01:19:11,283
All right, thank you, Gwendolyn.

1707
01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:14,647
Uh, well...
Sorry I'm late!

1708
01:19:17,080 --> 01:19:20,084
Actually, you're just in time to
give your candidate statement.

1709
01:19:20,160 --> 01:19:21,366
What's a candidate statement?

1710
01:19:21,480 --> 01:19:22,816
KIKI: Oh, I think
that's like a speech.

1711
01:19:22,840 --> 01:19:25,096
You got one of those, right, honey?
What are you talking about?

1712
01:19:25,120 --> 01:19:27,407
You don't have a speech?
(SOFTLY) Of course not!

1713
01:19:27,480 --> 01:19:28,641
It's all good.

1714
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:31,040
She's got a great speech.

1715
01:19:31,400 --> 01:19:33,448
AMY: I'm not good at
this public speaking.

1716
01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:37,485
Hey, we're sitting here.
Move, move, sorry, move.

1717
01:19:38,000 --> 01:19:39,047
(EXHALES)

1718
01:19:42,840 --> 01:19:43,841
Okay.

1719
01:19:47,200 --> 01:19:49,328
Wow, there's a lot of you.

1720
01:19:49,400 --> 01:19:50,765
Introduce yourself.

1721
01:19:51,680 --> 01:19:54,445
Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.

1722
01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:56,289
Good.

1723
01:19:56,360 --> 01:19:57,885
And I'm running
for PTA president.

1724
01:19:59,680 --> 01:20:00,681
(WOMAN COUGHING)

1725
01:20:01,160 --> 01:20:02,207
You're doing great.

1726
01:20:03,160 --> 01:20:04,336
Just 'cause
they're not responding

1727
01:20:04,360 --> 01:20:06,010
doesn't mean they think
you're terrible.

1728
01:20:10,440 --> 01:20:11,805
You know...

1729
01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:16,091
I know there's a lot of rumors
going around about my daughter.

1730
01:20:16,200 --> 01:20:17,201
(WOMEN MURMURING)

1731
01:20:17,680 --> 01:20:18,920
That's a bad place to start.

1732
01:20:19,040 --> 01:20:21,771
And I'm guessing a lot of you
think that I'm a bad mom.

1733
01:20:21,840 --> 01:20:22,887
Yes.

1734
01:20:22,960 --> 01:20:26,089
No, no. No, you know what?
You're right.

1735
01:20:26,600 --> 01:20:29,285
Sometimes, I'm too
lenient with my kids.

1736
01:20:29,360 --> 01:20:31,203
Sometimes, I'm too strict.

1737
01:20:31,280 --> 01:20:32,964
Well, we overestimated
her, obviously.

1738
01:20:33,040 --> 01:20:34,246
Sometimes, I'm so crazy

1739
01:20:34,320 --> 01:20:35,696
that I don't even
understand the words

1740
01:20:35,720 --> 01:20:37,210
that are coming out of my mouth.

1741
01:20:38,920 --> 01:20:42,891
You see, what works for my daughter
almost never works for my son.

1742
01:20:44,880 --> 01:20:48,327
And whenever I think I'm actually
starting to figure my kids out,

1743
01:20:49,440 --> 01:20:52,284
they grow up
and I'm back to square one.

1744
01:20:53,480 --> 01:20:56,689
So, the truth is,
when it comes to being a mom,

1745
01:20:57,560 --> 01:20:58,561
(CHUCKLES)

1746
01:20:58,640 --> 01:21:00,768
I have no fucking
clue what I'm doing.

1747
01:21:00,880 --> 01:21:02,325
(ALL LAUGH)

1748
01:21:02,760 --> 01:21:05,570
And you know what?
I don't think anyone does.

1749
01:21:05,680 --> 01:21:08,331
I think we're all bad
moms, and you know why?

1750
01:21:08,880 --> 01:21:13,886
Because being a mom
today is impossible!

1751
01:21:17,600 --> 01:21:19,648
I never doubted her.
I never doubted her.

1752
01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:21,848
She's doing great.
She's a natural.

1753
01:21:21,920 --> 01:21:25,925
So can we all just please stop
pretending like we have it figured out

1754
01:21:26,000 --> 01:21:28,048
and stop judging
each other for once?

1755
01:21:29,080 --> 01:21:31,731
Look, I'm running
for PTA president because...

1756
01:21:31,800 --> 01:21:34,610
Because I want our
school to be a place

1757
01:21:34,680 --> 01:21:37,206
where you can make mistakes,
where you can be yourself,

1758
01:21:37,280 --> 01:21:39,442
where you're being judged
on how hard you work

1759
01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:42,171
and not on what you bring
to the fucking bake sale.

1760
01:21:42,240 --> 01:21:43,605
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

1761
01:21:46,360 --> 01:21:47,521
Yeah!
Yeah!

1762
01:21:47,600 --> 01:21:51,207
I want our school to be a place
where it's okay to be a bad mom.

1763
01:21:51,280 --> 01:21:52,725
Do you know what I mean?

1764
01:21:53,320 --> 01:21:55,971
My kids haven't had
a bath in three weeks.

1765
01:21:56,560 --> 01:21:58,881
That's okay! Listen, we've all been there.
(ALL CLAPPING)

1766
01:21:58,960 --> 01:22:03,682
I confiscated my son's weed and
then I smoked the shit out of it!

1767
01:22:05,080 --> 01:22:06,684
(YELLS)
What's your number?

1768
01:22:06,760 --> 01:22:09,445
I give my kids a Benadryl
every Tuesday night

1769
01:22:09,520 --> 01:22:10,885
so I can watch The Voice.

1770
01:22:11,480 --> 01:22:12,481
(LAUGHS)

1771
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:15,048
I can't tell my twins apart!

1772
01:22:15,120 --> 01:22:17,248
I let my 7-year-old
watch Mad Max.

1773
01:22:17,320 --> 01:22:19,209
I drink margaritas
for breakfast.

1774
01:22:19,280 --> 01:22:21,487
I threw my son's
violin in the garbage.

1775
01:22:21,800 --> 01:22:23,404
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

1776
01:22:25,040 --> 01:22:27,168
Oh, honey,
we don't speak Spanish.

1777
01:22:27,240 --> 01:22:29,891
I like my nanny better
than I like my husband.

1778
01:22:29,960 --> 01:22:31,360
Wait, really?
(WOMEN GASP AND CHEER)

1779
01:22:32,320 --> 01:22:33,321
(WHOOPING)

1780
01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:34,970
Yeah, you do!

1781
01:22:35,240 --> 01:22:36,446
I don't even have kids!

1782
01:22:36,520 --> 01:22:39,000
I just come to PTA meetings
because I'm lonely.

1783
01:22:39,160 --> 01:22:40,605
CROWD: Aw.
(APPLAUSE)

1784
01:22:42,840 --> 01:22:43,841
AMY: Here's the thing.

1785
01:22:44,320 --> 01:22:45,731
If you're a perfect mom

1786
01:22:45,800 --> 01:22:48,406
who's got this whole
parenting thing figured out,

1787
01:22:48,480 --> 01:22:51,165
well, then, you should
probably vote for Gwendolyn,

1788
01:22:51,320 --> 01:22:53,368
'cause she's amazing.

1789
01:22:53,520 --> 01:22:54,521
Yes.

1790
01:22:54,680 --> 01:22:56,762
But if you're a bad mom like me

1791
01:22:56,840 --> 01:22:59,002
and you have no fucking clue
what you're doing,

1792
01:22:59,800 --> 01:23:02,724
or you're just sick of being
judged all the time...

1793
01:23:04,880 --> 01:23:06,530
Then please vote for me.

1794
01:23:07,800 --> 01:23:09,320
Thank you.
(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1795
01:23:11,560 --> 01:23:12,971
Oh, my God!

1796
01:23:16,920 --> 01:23:18,331
Are you kidding me?

1797
01:23:34,360 --> 01:23:35,486
Yes!

1798
01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:36,720
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy!

1799
01:23:36,760 --> 01:23:39,525
Look at that!
This is your PTA president!

1800
01:23:46,480 --> 01:23:48,881
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy!

1801
01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:50,646
Oh, mama.

1802
01:23:50,720 --> 01:23:52,722
I feel invigorated.
This is so great!

1803
01:23:52,840 --> 01:23:55,571
I still can't believe you won.
I know!

1804
01:23:55,640 --> 01:23:58,041
Oh, I'm so happy you guys
dragged me out of the house.

1805
01:23:58,640 --> 01:24:00,961
Oh, sweetheart, I didn't
doubt you for a second.

1806
01:24:01,120 --> 01:24:03,646
Oh, God, you know,
I forgot what it was

1807
01:24:03,720 --> 01:24:04,846
like to have real friends,

1808
01:24:04,920 --> 01:24:07,287
like, true friends.

1809
01:24:07,360 --> 01:24:08,360
I know.

1810
01:24:08,400 --> 01:24:11,688
Before you guys, my only friend
was that lady on Google Maps.

1811
01:24:11,840 --> 01:24:12,921
(LAUGHS)

1812
01:24:13,520 --> 01:24:15,124
You're pretty much
the first bitches

1813
01:24:15,200 --> 01:24:17,282
to ever talk to me
at this school, so...

1814
01:24:17,400 --> 01:24:20,290
I'm so happy we found
each other, you guys.

1815
01:24:20,360 --> 01:24:21,930
Me too.
Me three.

1816
01:24:22,000 --> 01:24:24,048
Let's hug for
a really long time.

1817
01:24:24,160 --> 01:24:26,561
Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.

1818
01:24:27,040 --> 01:24:28,201
(KIKI LAUGHS)

1819
01:24:28,760 --> 01:24:31,001
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING OVER CAR
STEREO) (GWENDOLYN SOBBING)

1820
01:24:31,800 --> 01:24:34,201
Hey, will you guys
give me, like, a second?

1821
01:24:35,440 --> 01:24:37,249
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, honey. Sure.

1822
01:24:37,320 --> 01:24:38,526
Okay.
Sure, take a minute.

1823
01:24:38,600 --> 01:24:39,886
Digest it.
Thanks.

1824
01:24:54,800 --> 01:24:56,320
What, did you come
to gloat? (SNIFFLES)

1825
01:24:56,360 --> 01:24:58,647
No. No, no, I'm just
seeing if you're okay.

1826
01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:01,604
I'm fine. Everything's fine.
I'm fine.

1827
01:25:01,720 --> 01:25:04,564
Okay. I don't wanna bother you.
No, I'm good.

1828
01:25:04,640 --> 01:25:06,483
It's just that the PTA

1829
01:25:07,560 --> 01:25:10,643
was the only good thing in my
life and now I've lost that, too.

1830
01:25:11,240 --> 01:25:13,527
Come on, Gwendolyn,
your life is awesome.

1831
01:25:14,120 --> 01:25:16,487
You have, like, three boats.

1832
01:25:16,560 --> 01:25:19,006
I have four boats.
(LAUGHS) Okay.

1833
01:25:19,560 --> 01:25:24,248
But, no... (SCOFFS)
My life is so not awesome.

1834
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,242
Gwendolyn, what could
possibly be wrong?

1835
01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:28,321
Oh, God.

1836
01:25:29,200 --> 01:25:30,690
Okay, well,

1837
01:25:31,520 --> 01:25:33,249
for starters...
(SNIFFLES)

1838
01:25:33,320 --> 01:25:36,085
My husband was just arrested
for embezzling

1839
01:25:36,160 --> 01:25:38,481
$100 million from
a children's charity.

1840
01:25:39,680 --> 01:25:41,921
(VOICE BREAKING)
And I have night terrors.

1841
01:25:42,000 --> 01:25:46,050
And I have to take Vicodin every 20
minutes, and I'm not even in any pain.

1842
01:25:46,480 --> 01:25:48,528
I'm just addicted to them now.

1843
01:25:48,600 --> 01:25:49,816
I'm pretty sure
my brother-in-law

1844
01:25:49,840 --> 01:25:52,241
just joined ISIS,
and he's a Jew!

1845
01:25:52,960 --> 01:25:56,885
Oh, and also, my DVR just
stopped recording Castle-

1846
01:25:56,960 --> 01:25:58,246
Just out of nowhere.

1847
01:25:58,320 --> 01:26:01,210
Like, how the fuck
does that even happen?

1848
01:26:01,280 --> 01:26:03,851
And I am the only thing
holding my family together,

1849
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:07,641
so, yeah, it's awesome.

1850
01:26:08,720 --> 01:26:10,051
It's just awesome.

1851
01:26:10,360 --> 01:26:11,361
Wow.

1852
01:26:11,440 --> 01:26:14,410
I had no idea.
Yeah.

1853
01:26:15,440 --> 01:26:18,250
You just always acted like
everything was so perfect.

1854
01:26:24,080 --> 01:26:25,286
<i>HG'! »</i>

1855
01:26:25,360 --> 01:26:27,966
I'm really sorry about
what I did to your daughter.

1856
01:26:28,640 --> 01:26:31,849
I promise you I will get her back
on the soccer team, all right?

1857
01:26:34,440 --> 01:26:37,410
I know that was
a really shitty thing to do.

1858
01:26:38,200 --> 01:26:39,884
Yeah.
Even for me.

1859
01:26:40,440 --> 01:26:42,681
Listen, we're all
bad moms, right?

1860
01:26:42,800 --> 01:26:43,881
Yeah.

1861
01:26:44,880 --> 01:26:46,840
That was literally the only
thing you said tonight

1862
01:26:46,880 --> 01:26:48,211
that made any fuckin' sense.

1863
01:26:48,280 --> 01:26:49,486
(LAUGHS)

1864
01:26:51,160 --> 01:26:52,161
Bye.

1865
01:27:10,000 --> 01:27:12,367
Hey, guys. Can I talk
to you for a second?

1866
01:27:12,440 --> 01:27:13,566
Yeah.

1867
01:27:16,360 --> 01:27:17,361
Look, I just wanna say

1868
01:27:17,440 --> 01:27:19,488
I'm really sorry for how
I've been acting lately.

1869
01:27:19,600 --> 01:27:22,251
Oh, it's fine. Yeah, it's
just menopause, right?

1870
01:27:22,360 --> 01:27:24,488
(CHUCKLES) No.
It's not menopause.

1871
01:27:24,560 --> 01:27:26,642
And I'm sorry
for acting so crazy

1872
01:27:26,760 --> 01:27:27,920
about the whole soccer thing.

1873
01:27:28,560 --> 01:27:30,642
I'm really trying
to chill out more.

1874
01:27:30,720 --> 01:27:32,848
I mean, it's just
soccer. Right?

1875
01:27:33,480 --> 01:27:35,050
I got you back on
the soccer team.

1876
01:27:35,120 --> 01:27:36,849
Shut up!
Shut up.

1877
01:27:36,920 --> 01:27:39,048
Shut your face!
Oh, my God.

1878
01:27:39,120 --> 01:27:40,531
Thank you so much, Mom.
(CHUCKLES)

1879
01:27:41,440 --> 01:27:42,930
Oh, I love you.
Get in here.

1880
01:27:43,520 --> 01:27:45,841
There. Oh, I love you guys
so much.

1881
01:27:45,920 --> 01:27:47,490
You're amazing kids.

1882
01:27:48,240 --> 01:27:51,289
I promise, I promise
to always be here for you.

1883
01:27:52,200 --> 01:27:53,201
Oh.

1884
01:27:53,640 --> 01:27:54,926
My babies.

1885
01:27:55,040 --> 01:27:56,041
(OVEN DINGS)
on...

1886
01:27:56,120 --> 01:27:57,645
I almost forgot!
Where is he going?

1887
01:27:58,440 --> 01:27:59,646
Why is he touching the oven?

1888
01:28:02,640 --> 01:28:04,210
DYLAN: I made a frittata.

1889
01:28:04,840 --> 01:28:08,401
Did you just say "frittata"?

1890
01:28:08,480 --> 01:28:10,056
You said you weren't gonna
cook for us anymore,

1891
01:28:10,080 --> 01:28:11,809
so I taught myself how to cook.

1892
01:28:12,800 --> 01:28:16,282
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you!
Get in here. I love you.

1893
01:28:16,360 --> 01:28:18,169
I love you. Okay, okay,
all right, all right.

1894
01:28:18,240 --> 01:28:19,651
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.-

1895
01:28:19,720 --> 01:28:20,721
All right, okay, let go.

1896
01:28:20,840 --> 01:28:22,604
Okay. I gotta go do my homework.

1897
01:28:24,360 --> 01:28:25,600
Who are you?

1898
01:28:25,680 --> 01:28:26,681
(SONG PLAYING)

1899
01:28:28,920 --> 01:28:30,684
<i>I said, "You're holding back"</i>

1900
01:28:30,760 --> 01:28:33,366
<i>She said,
"Shut up and dance with me!"</i>

1901
01:28:33,440 --> 01:28:36,011
<i>This woman is my destiny</i>

1902
01:28:36,200 --> 01:28:40,888
<i>She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo,
Shut up and dance with me!"</i>

1903
01:28:41,200 --> 01:28:42,850
(LAUGHS)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

1904
01:28:43,480 --> 01:28:45,960
Oh, hold on. Sorry, guys.
One sec, one sec.

1905
01:28:46,840 --> 01:28:48,444
Hello, this is Amy.

1906
01:28:48,520 --> 01:28:49,646
Hey, Amy, it's Dale.

1907
01:28:50,160 --> 01:28:52,880
The company is falling apart without you.
Could you please come back?

1908
01:28:52,960 --> 01:28:54,769
I will give you
whatever you want.

1909
01:28:55,240 --> 01:28:56,924
Whatever?
Whatever I want?

1910
01:28:57,000 --> 01:28:58,411
Yes! Yes! Anything.

1911
01:28:58,920 --> 01:29:03,084
Okay, um, well,
I wanna double my pay.

1912
01:29:03,760 --> 01:29:07,606
I wanna work from
home two days a week.

1913
01:29:07,880 --> 01:29:12,329
Oh, and I wanna hire three
women over the age of 12

1914
01:29:12,400 --> 01:29:13,765
to fill out my team.

1915
01:29:13,840 --> 01:29:16,207
Okay, okay, fine. Anything you want.
Can you start today?

1916
01:29:16,280 --> 01:29:18,169
Oh, no, no. No, sorry,
today's not good for me.

1917
01:29:18,240 --> 01:29:20,561
I'll start sometime next week.
Thanks. Bye-bye.

1918
01:29:22,480 --> 01:29:23,481
(SCREAMS)

1919
01:29:33,960 --> 01:29:35,041
Come here.
Love you.

1920
01:29:35,760 --> 01:29:37,056
Great day at school.
Love you, Mom.

1921
01:29:37,080 --> 01:29:39,401
I love you kiddos.
Be great, okay?

1922
01:29:39,480 --> 01:29:40,925
Okay.
Be amazing. Be awesome.

1923
01:29:41,840 --> 01:29:42,921
Love you!

1924
01:29:44,440 --> 01:29:45,487
(SIGHS)

1925
01:29:48,200 --> 01:29:49,611
When did they get so big?

1926
01:29:50,720 --> 01:29:51,846
I don't know.

1927
01:29:54,520 --> 01:29:57,000
Hey, what would happen if
I came over Friday night,

1928
01:29:57,120 --> 01:29:58,360
brought a great bottle of wine,

1929
01:29:58,400 --> 01:29:59,686
you know,
made you a nice dinner,

1930
01:29:59,760 --> 01:30:02,161
maybe ran you a hot bath and
someone just took care of you...

1931
01:30:02,240 --> 01:30:04,322
I love you.
For a change?

1932
01:30:04,400 --> 01:30:05,970
What did you just say?
What?

1933
01:30:06,040 --> 01:30:07,530
What was that?
I said nothing.

1934
01:30:07,600 --> 01:30:09,921
You said nothing.
I meant to say that I...

1935
01:30:10,000 --> 01:30:12,207
God, I would love that.
I would love that.

1936
01:30:12,480 --> 01:30:13,845
Great.
Yeah.

1937
01:30:15,320 --> 01:30:16,924
I'll see you Friday.
Okay.

1938
01:30:24,320 --> 01:30:26,891
I'll see you after school.
Be good, okay?

1939
01:30:28,720 --> 01:30:29,881
VICKY: Hey, how's it going?

1940
01:30:29,960 --> 01:30:31,928
I'm doing amazing.

1941
01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:36,446
I slept in late, skipped my
workout, had, like, four donuts.

1942
01:30:36,520 --> 01:30:37,646
I told these kids,

1943
01:30:37,720 --> 01:30:39,722
"Look, you get yourself
ready for school today."

1944
01:30:39,800 --> 01:30:42,610
And my husband totally
Fifty-Shaded me this morning.

1945
01:30:42,960 --> 01:30:44,883
Oh.
I've never felt better.

1946
01:30:45,080 --> 01:30:46,081
Wow.

1947
01:30:46,160 --> 01:30:47,321
Yeah.

1948
01:30:55,160 --> 01:30:56,161
Hi!

1949
01:30:57,280 --> 01:30:59,009
Did you remember
Maddie's backpack?

1950
01:30:59,760 --> 01:31:00,841
(SIGHS)

1951
01:31:01,160 --> 01:31:03,640
Shoot. No, I left it
in the car.

1952
01:31:03,720 --> 01:31:05,643
Okay, well, let's go get it, dude.
Right?

1953
01:31:05,720 --> 01:31:06,721
Chop-chop.

1954
01:31:06,800 --> 01:31:08,450
I'm so sorry.
Be right back.

1955
01:31:08,520 --> 01:31:09,851
It's not gonna grab itself.

1956
01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:15,846
Hey, Jackson.

1957
01:31:17,200 --> 01:31:18,611
I, uh...

1958
01:31:18,680 --> 01:31:20,728
I made you lunch today.

1959
01:31:20,800 --> 01:31:22,848
It's a hummus
wrap with some kale.

1960
01:31:23,080 --> 01:31:24,081
Gross!

1961
01:31:24,160 --> 01:31:25,496
Yeah, I know, it sounds
totally disgusting,

1962
01:31:25,520 --> 01:31:28,410
but it's supposed to
be good for you, so...

1963
01:31:28,480 --> 01:31:30,096
And I'm gonna come to your
baseball game tomorrow night.

1964
01:31:30,120 --> 01:31:33,283
For real? I'm gonna stay
the whole stupid game.

1965
01:31:33,520 --> 01:31:34,521
Mmm-hmm.

1966
01:31:34,920 --> 01:31:36,160
Because“.

1967
01:31:38,320 --> 01:31:39,526
I love you.

1968
01:31:40,760 --> 01:31:41,886
And stuff.

1969
01:31:44,120 --> 01:31:45,121
CARLA: Oh.

1970
01:31:58,480 --> 01:31:59,481
(SIGHS)

1971
01:31:59,560 --> 01:32:02,166
Still cannot believe I pushed
that thing outta my chotch.

1972
01:32:02,760 --> 01:32:05,570
Hey. What's up,
pretty ladies?

1973
01:32:05,640 --> 01:32:06,846
What should we do today?

1974
01:32:06,920 --> 01:32:08,365
How about we go to brunch?

1975
01:32:08,480 --> 01:32:09,481
Mmm.

1976
01:32:09,560 --> 01:32:10,896
Oh, how about we go
to Color Me Mine

1977
01:32:10,920 --> 01:32:12,331
and make each other salad bowls?

1978
01:32:12,400 --> 01:32:13,640
I love it.
Oh, I got an idea.

1979
01:32:13,720 --> 01:32:15,722
Why don't we try something
that doesn't suck?

1980
01:32:16,320 --> 01:32:18,891
Hey, bitches! Get in.

1981
01:32:31,240 --> 01:32:32,446
Wait.

1982
01:32:33,240 --> 01:32:36,050
Holy shit. Wait. Wait.
Wait. ls that...

1983
01:32:36,560 --> 01:32:38,847
Well, I have my husband's
plane for the whole day,

1984
01:32:38,920 --> 01:32:40,922
so where do you guys
wanna go, huh?

1985
01:32:43,280 --> 01:32:45,521
You know what? Gwendolyn's
starting to grow on me, guys.

1986
01:32:45,600 --> 01:32:48,000
I'm not gonna lie to you. I think
she's a really good person.

1987
01:32:48,080 --> 01:32:49,570
Come on, come on!
Very generous.

1988
01:32:49,960 --> 01:32:51,325
(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

1989
01:33:05,400 --> 01:33:08,643
My role as a mother was
so hit-and-miss. (LAUGHS)

1990
01:33:09,520 --> 01:33:12,808
I was a little looser, but
too loose in many ways.

1991
01:33:12,880 --> 01:33:14,166
I would give her whiskey.

1992
01:33:14,800 --> 01:33:15,801
(LAUGHS)

1993
01:33:16,240 --> 01:33:18,766
We left the country when
she was seven years old.

1994
01:33:18,840 --> 01:33:22,481
My mom kept telling me that
we were moving up the street.

1995
01:33:22,800 --> 01:33:24,564
And then we flew to L.A.

1996
01:33:24,640 --> 01:33:26,130
My mother's a filthy liar.

1997
01:33:26,440 --> 01:33:27,720
When I went into
labor and stuff,

1998
01:33:27,760 --> 01:33:29,489
I didn't even ask if
it was a boy or a girl.

1999
01:33:29,560 --> 01:33:31,210
I just asked for Demerol.

2000
01:33:31,280 --> 01:33:32,611
(LAUGHING)

2001
01:33:32,680 --> 01:33:34,648
I heard someone calling my name.

2002
01:33:34,720 --> 01:33:36,165
"Please come to
the service desk."

2003
01:33:36,240 --> 01:33:37,241
I thought,
"What's that?"

2004
01:33:37,320 --> 01:33:39,280
And I looked around, there
was no Kathryn. (GASPS)

2005
01:33:39,480 --> 01:33:41,456
She was three years old.
(LAUGHING) I was three years old.

2006
01:33:41,480 --> 01:33:44,086
I'm thinking,
oh, my God, that was bad!

2007
01:33:44,160 --> 01:33:45,844
When I was nine years old,

2008
01:33:46,480 --> 01:33:49,404
um, my mom took me to see
Cruising in the theaters

2009
01:33:49,920 --> 01:33:52,287
because she loved Al Pacino.
I loved Al Pacino.

2010
01:33:52,360 --> 01:33:54,283
Cruising is a movie about a man

2011
01:33:54,360 --> 01:33:57,728
investigating the
underworld of S&M gay clubs

2012
01:33:58,080 --> 01:34:00,970
because there was a man murdering
men after raping them.

2013
01:34:01,040 --> 01:34:02,565
Al Pacino.

2014
01:34:02,640 --> 01:34:05,007
You do stupid things as a parent

2015
01:34:05,080 --> 01:34:06,576
and you're like, "Oh, they're
fine, they're fine,"

2016
01:34:06,600 --> 01:34:07,880
and then you're in the hospital.

2017
01:34:07,920 --> 01:34:10,571
Yeah, of course you lie to
your kids, of course you do,

2018
01:34:10,640 --> 01:34:12,688
and you go through their things.
You have to.

2019
01:34:12,760 --> 01:34:14,125
You go through my things?

2020
01:34:14,200 --> 01:34:16,726
Sometimes you have
to make people happy,

2021
01:34:16,800 --> 01:34:18,643
to lie a little bit.
You know?

2022
01:34:18,760 --> 01:34:21,081
Easter Bunny. Tooth Fairy.
(CHUCKLES)

2023
01:34:21,160 --> 01:34:23,128
Food out for Santa Claus.

2024
01:34:23,200 --> 01:34:24,800
You had me clean
the fireplace that year.

2025
01:34:24,840 --> 01:34:26,296
Yeah, well, that was
a good idea anyway.

2026
01:34:26,320 --> 01:34:27,731
Like a chimney sweep.

2027
01:34:27,840 --> 01:34:30,491
I would just be all,
you know, upset

2028
01:34:30,600 --> 01:34:33,206
because of the way
I thought that it had to be.

2029
01:34:33,280 --> 01:34:36,011
You know, I was so angry one
day, and I said to her,

2030
01:34:36,080 --> 01:34:38,606
"Dominic doesn't like you,
Eric doesn't like you."

2031
01:34:38,680 --> 01:34:40,489
You told me to fuck off.
(SNORTS)

2032
01:34:40,560 --> 01:34:42,847
"Laura doesn't like you.
Your dad doesn't like you."

2033
01:34:42,920 --> 01:34:44,696
You said, "Fuck you, Mom."
Or something like that.

2034
01:34:44,720 --> 01:34:46,643
"I don't like you, and the
dog doesn't like you."

2035
01:34:46,720 --> 01:34:47,721
(LAUGHING)

2036
01:34:47,880 --> 01:34:49,689
Yeah, I don't know
what I was thinking.

2037
01:34:50,400 --> 01:34:53,324
I just really didn't
have a clue about...

2038
01:34:53,400 --> 01:34:55,482
You were perfect.
(LAUGHS)

2039
01:34:55,560 --> 01:34:56,960
Yeah, it kind of
worked out for her.

2040
01:34:57,000 --> 01:34:59,048
It worked out perfectly.

2041
01:34:59,120 --> 01:35:00,565
I had the best childhood.

2042
01:35:00,680 --> 01:35:02,364
I loved my childhood.

2043
01:35:02,440 --> 01:35:04,124
I had a very happy childhood.

2044
01:35:04,200 --> 01:35:05,565
And we would have the best days.

2045
01:35:05,640 --> 01:35:07,896
Yeah, it was absolutely like some
of the best times of my life.

2046
01:35:07,920 --> 01:35:09,285
You were an amazing mom.
(LAUGHING)

2047
01:35:09,360 --> 01:35:11,169
Which is fine.
I feel good.

2048
01:35:11,240 --> 01:35:13,322
It's nuts being a mom, guys.
(BLOWS NOSE)

2049
01:35:13,560 --> 01:35:16,245
Raising kids is
an amazing experience.

2050
01:35:16,320 --> 01:35:20,450
I did some mistakes, but the
end, I can see it's not as bad.

2051
01:35:21,080 --> 01:35:23,208
They survived.
In spite of us.

2052
01:35:23,320 --> 01:35:25,243
Now, thank goodness...
(LAUGHS)

2053
01:35:25,320 --> 01:35:29,644
You know, she turned out to be
the wonderful woman that she is.

2054
01:35:29,720 --> 01:35:31,131
I think she's perfect.

2055
01:35:32,120 --> 01:35:35,681
The love that you had
when that kid was born,

2056
01:35:35,760 --> 01:35:37,808
that you didn't have...
(SNIFFLES)

2057
01:35:37,960 --> 01:35:39,644
It is a miracle.

2058
01:35:39,720 --> 01:35:42,246
It's the wife that she is
and the mother that she is,

2059
01:35:42,320 --> 01:35:44,209
and I'm really
proud of just her.

2060
01:35:44,960 --> 01:35:46,041
Mom.
Yeah.

2061
01:35:46,120 --> 01:35:48,691
She's so good, like a mom.
She's so good.

2062
01:35:48,960 --> 01:35:50,246
Yeah.
Thanks, Mommy.

2063
01:35:50,320 --> 01:35:52,402
So I think she's the
best mom in the world,

2064
01:35:52,480 --> 01:35:55,723
and I go, "I wish, you know,
I'd been more like that."

2065
01:35:55,800 --> 01:35:56,801
Oh.

2066
01:35:56,880 --> 01:35:58,006
I love you.
I love you, hon.

2067
01:35:58,080 --> 01:35:59,127
I love you, Mommy.

2068
01:36:01,520 --> 01:36:02,521
(LAUGHING)

2069
01:36:02,600 --> 01:36:03,601
Aw.

2070
01:36:03,680 --> 01:36:05,364
You said it would
be fun, Kathryn.

2071
01:36:05,800 --> 01:36:06,847
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

2072
01:36:06,920 --> 01:36:07,967
Don't touch my makeup.

2073
01:36:08,040 --> 01:36:09,371
See this shit?
(LAUGHING)