1 00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:04,136 When you were growing up in Queens, 2 00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:05,408 did you ever think that you'd be the bartender 3 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:06,466 on Watch What Happens Live? 4 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,114 Oh, please. 5 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:09,379 Any gay guy who can get themselves to the studio 6 00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:10,537 is gonna get a turn. 7 00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:11,584 No, come on. It's a big deal. 8 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,209 I'm excited for you. 9 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:14,584 (Andy) Hey! Billy, right? 10 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,082 (Billy) Andy, how are you? 11 00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:17,494 Thank you so much for this. 12 00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:19,185 This is so awesome. 13 00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:20,417 I'm Julie. I write Housewives Recap. 14 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,161 I know exactly who you are. 15 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:24,016 Listen, our second guest, 16 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,425 the one who's legitimately famous, 17 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,026 found out that you were here and asked that you leave. 18 00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:29,299 Actually, it was more of 19 00:00:29,397 --> 00:00:31,427 a "him or me" kind of situation, but-- 20 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,132 - Are you kidding? - No. 21 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,074 - Who is it? - Chelsea Handler. 22 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,639 - Why does she hate you? - I don't know. 23 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,437 I think I tweeted the other day something like, 24 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,239 "What would I rather see less: Chelsea Handler's nipples 25 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:42,041 or her Netflix talk show?" 26 00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:43,283 It's a joke! 27 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,407 I think I used to make fun of After Lately 28 00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:45,482 when it premiered. 29 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,049 When was that, like, 2011? 30 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,318 The same year you called me 31 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:50,316 "an organ-grinding monkey in Gucci" 32 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,188 at the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion? 33 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,086 Yeah, it was Ralph Lauren, 34 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,058 and I felt pretty that day. 35 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,057 So I guess me subbing in for Billy 36 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,058 is out of the question? 37 00:00:58,159 --> 00:00:59,189 Not gonna happen. 38 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:01,063 And, actually, we would love it 39 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,332 if you could leave now, because I don't want you 40 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,060 running into her in the hallway. 41 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,265 What are you gonna do for a bartender? 42 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,236 Uh, we'll get a robot. 43 00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:10,235 [driving punk rock music] 44 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,508 * 45 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:13,506 [door opens] 46 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,207 You're back early. 47 00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,349 - I was banned from Bravo! - Congratulations. 48 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:18,475 It's Chelsea Handler's fault. 49 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,109 (Billy) No, it's my fault too. 50 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,654 I need to stop being mean to celebrities. 51 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,679 Every time I talk shit about a famous person, 52 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,354 I lose a potential gig. 53 00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,623 Talking shit about celebrities is what we do, okay? 54 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,321 It's the only thing that comes more naturally to us 55 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,193 than breathing air. 56 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,632 I know, but maybe it's time to pull a Perez Hilton. 57 00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,526 Pose in a Speedo with a baby in the bathtub? 58 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:37,198 No, I mean stop being mean to celebrities. 59 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:38,498 Just as it's starting to pay off? 60 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,369 Chelsea Handler knows who you are now. 61 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:43,168 Maybe it's just a question of picking your feuds 62 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,671 as your star rises. 63 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,442 I'm hungry. Are you hungry? 64 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,640 Arthur, is there dinner? 65 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:49,181 No, I'm sorry, noodles. 66 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,337 I was just far too spent when I go home. 67 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,354 Would you like pizza? 68 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,475 I guess. 69 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:53,710 Arthur, are you okay? 70 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,724 Yes, thank you, Billy. 71 00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,516 And I'm sorry I didn't get up to greet you when you came in. 72 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,388 It's just pledge drive week at PBS, 73 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,357 and it is even crazier than last year-- 74 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,255 Oh, my God, I just got invited 75 00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:06,127 to The Simpsons Live at Town Hall afterparty. 76 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,697 (Billy) Oh, I didn't get that invitation, 77 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,655 probably because I'm mean to everyone. 78 00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,703 I bet I said something provocative about Yeardley Smith 79 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,499 on Instagram at some point. 80 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,301 Is it "Yard-ley" or "Yeard-ley?" 81 00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:16,543 I don't know. 82 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,167 And an invitation will always be redundant, 83 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:19,742 because you will always be my plus one. 84 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,180 Well, thank you. 85 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:22,675 What am I, flaked sandwich meat? 86 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:25,146 And as far as the whole being nice to celebrities thing, 87 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,476 I'm not in favor of it, 88 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:28,680 particularly because Chrissy Teigen just weighed in 89 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,322 on the Greek elections. 90 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,448 Oh, well, she doesn't have 91 00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:32,452 quite the shrewd political mind 92 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:33,693 of a Naya Rivera. 93 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,387 No, I don't want to be mean anymore! 94 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,619 God damn it! 95 00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:37,634 Whatever you want to do, 96 00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:39,285 I will support you either way. 97 00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:40,693 Well, we have that bingo gig tomorrow night. 98 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,734 You think we can do it without going full mean? 99 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,570 If you're nice, I'll be nice too. 100 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,696 And as our gift to you, 101 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:50,601 we'll provide you with this wonderful swag. 102 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,674 We've got Classic Doo-Wop. We've got-- 103 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:53,713 (Arthur) Oh, God! 104 00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:55,607 Chad Arrow is so arrogant 105 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,479 about making the most pledge money. 106 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,208 I mean, the odds are in his favor. 107 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:00,353 He's in prime time, 108 00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,648 giving away doo-wop CDs. 109 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,550 PBS viewers love doo-wop! 110 00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:07,662 It's like catnip to PBS viewers! 111 00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:10,285 I'm going to bed. Good night. 112 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:11,391 Good night, Arthur. 113 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:12,792 An unexpected bonus might be 114 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:15,203 to speak with Clare here. 115 00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:16,256 Clare, could you smile? 116 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:17,474 (Arthur) Turn that off. 117 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:23,400 * 118 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:24,514 - That was awful. - I know. 119 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:25,565 I hate bombing! 120 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:26,470 Let's take this into consideration. 121 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,507 We did sub in for a drag queen 122 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:29,737 and an insult comic on bingo night. 123 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,581 So what does that mean? 124 00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:33,576 I'm just saying maybe this wasn't the best time 125 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:34,724 to debut our new material 126 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,446 about how nice Naomi Watts seems. 127 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,224 I think it's the venue. 128 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:39,723 I think we need to give the nice thing one more chance. 129 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:40,891 Excuse me. I'm so sorry. 130 00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,719 I think you dropped something. 131 00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,293 - What? - What? 132 00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:45,592 30-day chip from AA. Look at that. 133 00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,303 [clicks tongue] 134 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,755 What the hell are you doing to my friend? 135 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,332 I'm gonna call the cops. 136 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:51,471 Sorry, sorry. 137 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,365 I'm--I'm Abra Cadouglas, 138 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,537 grateful recovering alcoholic 139 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,995 and magician. 140 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:59,344 What's that in your pocket, sir? 141 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,770 - What? - Check your pocket. 142 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,682 (Billy) What? 143 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,307 "Abra Cadouglas." 144 00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:06,583 Abra Cadouglas, yes. 145 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,280 "Williamsburg's premier sober magician"? 146 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,623 There's more than one? 147 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,348 She's here every Tuesday night. 148 00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:13,823 She does this magic show 149 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,621 that's themed around her recovery. 150 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:16,763 I freaking love you so much. 151 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,327 Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. 152 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:21,396 Magic is an illusion made up of many steps. 153 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,625 Sobriety takes just 12. 154 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,501 Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. 155 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,369 First...we admitted 156 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:30,498 that our lives had become unmanageable. 157 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,574 [applause] 158 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,272 [rings clattering] 159 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,583 Is this crazy, or is this good? 160 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:40,348 Once I was so desperate for alcohol 161 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:43,518 that I shoplifted a can of hair spray 162 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,047 and then drank it. 163 00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:48,692 Woke up three days later on a boat with Bill Pullman. 164 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,459 Now, that's crazy. 165 00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:53,058 Abra Cadouglas is my name, 166 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,830 and I have to get out of this bar. 167 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,658 Something bad's gonna happen. 168 00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:57,804 Good night. 169 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,528 Bye. Makes me laugh so much. 170 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,803 Last week, she sawed her sponsor in half. 171 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:03,672 That does not surprise me. 172 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:05,841 [sighs] 173 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,739 - I'm Billy, by the way. - Hey, I'm Fred. 174 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,541 - Hey, Fred. - Hey. 175 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,883 You didn't happen to see our show just now, did you? 176 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,409 Oh, no, no. 177 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:14,754 You know, I usually try to make it here 178 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,078 for the bingo as well, but I had to work late today. 179 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,654 That is more than okay. 180 00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:19,792 Are you in show business also? 181 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,317 No. God, no. I'm a dentist. 182 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:23,323 Dentist? Wow. 183 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,394 That's refreshing. 184 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:25,392 Are you single? 185 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:26,463 Rested and ready. 186 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,630 If that's the case, 187 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:28,858 I shall be excusing myself, Billiam. 188 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:29,862 Have a beautiful night. 189 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:30,863 Nice meeting you. 190 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:31,874 Bye. 191 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,495 [both chuckle] 192 00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,471 Hey, can I get you another beer? 193 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:36,899 I'm gonna fuck you, yeah. 194 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:37,914 Wow, okay. 195 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,565 I'm just kidding. 196 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:40,813 Uh, you want to see a show tomorrow night? 197 00:05:40,908 --> 00:05:41,908 Yeah, great. 198 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,909 [upbeat music] 199 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,822 * 200 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,745 I just think it would be so disgusting 201 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,650 to look inside a mouth every five minutes. 202 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:53,923 Well, I mean, you know, when it's gross, 203 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,691 it's usually more about the tongue 204 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:56,859 than it is the teeth. 205 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,357 Ugh, that's-- that is just disgusting. 206 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,630 Tongues are weird. They're scaly. 207 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:01,828 Mm! Ew. 208 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,129 Later. 209 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,470 Oh, my God, there's Marc Shaiman. 210 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:06,666 (Fred) Who's that? 211 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,397 (Billy) He co-wrote Hairspray 212 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:09,642 and Smash. 213 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:10,837 - Wow. - Yeah, he's amazing. 214 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:13,438 I love that you know all this stuff. 215 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,381 I just see a guy with gaps in his incisors. 216 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,736 [laughs] 217 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:18,584 Well, there's that too. 218 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,149 So, Billy, what do you think 219 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,917 is, like, the greatest injustice in show business? 220 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:24,485 Wow. Good question. 221 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,145 I think the greatest injustice 222 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:28,663 is probably that Martin Short doesn't have an EGOT. 223 00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:30,416 You know what the EGOT is? 224 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:31,934 It's someone who has an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony. 225 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,885 And I think all my second-place grievances 226 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,834 are probably about Marisa Tomei. 227 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,469 [cheers and applause] 228 00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:38,665 (Bridget) Now, ladies and gentlemen, 229 00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,726 if you've been to the show before, 230 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,704 you know that I always love to sing a song 231 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:44,943 and dedicate it to everybody with a pussy. 232 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,438 Now, if you have a pussy, I want to hear you say, 233 00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:49,511 "I love my pussy!" 234 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,980 I love my pussy! 235 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,178 I said, "I love my pussy!" 236 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,650 I love my pussy! 237 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,648 (Bridget) Oh, shit. 238 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,990 Can I get a volunteer? 239 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,485 - Ooh! - Anyone. 240 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:01,858 Come on up, Horshack. Let's go. 241 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,785 - Whoo! - Help him out. 242 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:04,931 She chose me! 243 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:05,925 (Bridget) He's fired up. 244 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,526 Whoo! 245 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:08,898 [cheers and applause] 246 00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:10,926 Have a seat up there. 247 00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,671 He's a participator? 248 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:13,996 Yes, a participator. 249 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,571 I had no idea. 250 00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:16,769 The second Bridget asked for a volunteer 251 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:18,810 to come up on stage, his hand shot up 252 00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:21,436 faster than Kevin Spacey's fly at the opening of Newsies. 253 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:22,812 What is that, even, 254 00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,950 to not be embarrassed by even just the idea 255 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,775 of audience participation? 256 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,520 I don't know; I don't even like it at a concert, 257 00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:30,476 like when the lead singer goes, "Now you guys sing." 258 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:31,894 No. Fuck you. 259 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,885 Yeah, I paid you to sing, thank you very much. 260 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:36,687 I don't ask Imagine Dragons to come here and wait tables. 261 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:37,760 It's bullshit. 262 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:38,988 And if I am gonna sing, 263 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,562 there's thousands of people there. 264 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:41,861 Would my voice make a difference? 265 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,702 No, not when everybody around you is doing it. 266 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,497 - It's like voting. - That's elitist. 267 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,229 Why are you the only ones that get to sing and dance 268 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,974 or whatever the hell it is you do? 269 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,699 You think I'm a dancer? Really? 270 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,844 Is it the arch in my back? 271 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,039 Look, if nonperformers want to perform, 272 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,881 they have karaoke and Halloween to use 273 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,706 for act-out and dress-up times. 274 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,551 (Nate) But what's the point in going to see anything 275 00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:00,747 if you can't take part in it? 276 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:02,018 [scoffs] You would say that. 277 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,545 He turns into such a racial stereotype 278 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:05,852 whenever we go to the movies together. 279 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,693 He's always talking back to the screen 280 00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,988 or yelling "watch out" to characters in trouble. 281 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,590 You know, you really ruined Blue Valentine for me. 282 00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,633 Michelle Williams was going to get her heart broken. 283 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:15,898 That is the plot! 284 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,026 Are we talking about audience participation? 285 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:19,831 Boy, I have a story 286 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,603 about when I was in Tony n' Tina's Wedding. 287 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:22,802 (Billy) Oh, I'm shocked. 288 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:23,943 Shut up, Billy. 289 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,507 So the whole show, 290 00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,636 for those of you who don't know, 291 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:30,041 is audience participation. 292 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,813 [laughing] 293 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:36,623 And we had so much fun. 294 00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,787 [laughing] 295 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,686 That's your story? 296 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:41,718 [laughs] 297 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,562 So Fred is a participator. 298 00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:44,957 Is that the only thing you don't like about him? 299 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,888 Yeah, you know, he's a great guy. 300 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,604 He has an actual job. 301 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:49,756 He's an adult. 302 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,603 Then don't do what you usually do 303 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,929 and break up with a good guy because of a tiny, dumb reason. 304 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,304 Is that what I do? 305 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,672 both: Yes. - You'll die alone. 306 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:57,840 Why don't you just take him someplace 307 00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:59,008 other than a show? 308 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,778 Okay. 309 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,006 That's a good idea. 310 00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,081 You're very smart, Nate. 311 00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:06,878 You never sat next to him 312 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,320 when he's yelling at the Coca-Cola polar bears 313 00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:09,645 before the movie starts. 314 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,320 They're gonna get diabetes. 315 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:14,088 [light music] 316 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,317 Ugh, let me guess. 317 00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:17,733 Pizza again for dinner? 318 00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:19,585 And the place is a mess. 319 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,663 What a dump, eh, Martha? 320 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,662 Sorry. I'm just hungry. 321 00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:24,674 Every year, it's the same. 322 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,065 PBS has a pledge drive, 323 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,136 and I need understanding from you that I don't get. 324 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,795 And you're such a supportive partner to Billy. 325 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,103 Why can't I get some of that, Julie? 326 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,944 You used my real name. 327 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,070 If I don't raise enough money, 328 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,084 I could lose my job. 329 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,875 Gabby told me that today. 330 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:39,047 If you lose your job, we'll get you another job, 331 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,576 maybe at a for-profit network this time. 332 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:41,981 I could even pitch them. 333 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,152 This is not about you! 334 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,591 [sighs] 335 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,116 Okay, Arthur. 336 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,690 I acknowledge that when it comes to our relationship, 337 00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:52,860 I tend to be J.Lo to your Judy Greer. 338 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,160 But I'm trying to fix your problem. 339 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,162 Yeah, that's just it, Julie. 340 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,903 You're trying to fix it, 341 00:09:57,998 --> 00:09:59,098 'cause that's what you want to do. 342 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,369 I'm asking for sympathy and support. 343 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,897 I need you to listen. 344 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,372 Otherwise, you may as well not even be here. 345 00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,840 Oh, well, maybe you need to be left alone. 346 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,779 Why don't I just give you the apartment for the week? 347 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:08,935 Fine! 348 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,112 If that's the case, 349 00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,780 why don't I just take the dogs too 350 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,379 so you don't have to worry about walking them? 351 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,780 Good! 352 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:15,852 Great! 353 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,149 I'll just grab my toothbrush. 354 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:18,750 Or I won't. 355 00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:19,992 I'll just buy a new one at Duane Reade. 356 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,047 Great idea. 357 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,124 So I'll just take the dogs 358 00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,622 and their food and beds 359 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,955 and my hair stuff. 360 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:29,799 The dogs, their food and bed, 361 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:30,997 and my hair stuff, 362 00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,868 and my laptop... 363 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:36,736 and jacket, 'cause it's cold outside. 364 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,767 The dogs, their food and beds, 365 00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:42,143 hair stuff, jacket because it's cold outside, 366 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:43,982 and laptop. 367 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:46,777 And this DVD of The Jerk. 368 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,680 See you Monday. 369 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,652 And that's all I need! 370 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,121 Come on, guys. 371 00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:56,959 Darling. 372 00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:57,957 Hi, Mom. 373 00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,758 Welcome home. 374 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,430 Can the dogs stay outside? 375 00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:12,806 For how long do we have the pleasure of your company? 376 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,876 Until Arthur stops being mad at me 377 00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:17,745 or pledge week ends, whichever comes first. 378 00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:20,175 Did you ever wonder whether Arthur's drinking problem 379 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,020 is affecting your relationship? 380 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,915 I don't think he has a drinking problem. 381 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,117 We're having dinner with the Cuppermans 382 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:26,818 tomorrow night. 383 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,760 You're invited to join if you'd like. 384 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:29,756 I don't know if-- 385 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,017 They have a single son. 386 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,894 We didn't break up. 387 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:33,993 Well, you're not married. 388 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,234 I know. 389 00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,028 Why don't the dogs stay in cages? 390 00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,830 Because they're not canaries. 391 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:40,932 Wait here; I have this article I want to show you 392 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,044 about women with performance backgrounds 393 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,766 moving on to lucrative careers. 394 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,440 Oh, and I have another one about a study they did. 395 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,442 Apparently, Jewish women who marry Jewish men 396 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,054 have happier children. 397 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:55,776 We've got to get Daddy to let Mommy come home. 398 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,953 You, um, looked like you were having a good time up there. 399 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,192 Oh, my God, what a blast. 400 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,217 I mean, of all the crazy things, 401 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,822 I'm not even a performer. 402 00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:05,194 Not even an aspirational one? 403 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:06,462 Oh, God, no. No, no, no. 404 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:07,959 I love what I do. 405 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,231 (woman) * Happy birthday... 406 00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:11,829 * Birthday to you 407 00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:16,142 (people and Fred) * Happy birthday to you 408 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:21,006 * Happy birthday, dear...person * 409 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:25,748 * Happy birthday to you 410 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:28,776 * And many more 411 00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,782 Whoo! 412 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,994 Happy birthday. 413 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,156 Fred, you're a really sweet guy. 414 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,926 I think it's great you don't want to be a performer. 415 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,526 But I worry that what you are 416 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:44,998 makes us even more incompatible. 417 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,798 You're a... participator. 418 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,236 What--what's that? 419 00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:52,037 Like getting on stage with Bridget 420 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,309 and singing Happy Birthday with these people. 421 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:54,936 You don't know these people. 422 00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:56,312 I--I just like to sing. 423 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:57,539 What's the big deal? 424 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,014 It's like Game of Thrones. 425 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:02,252 I want to be okay with it, but I'm not. 426 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:05,119 [rock music] 427 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,958 Hi. Julie Kessler for Arthur Tack. 428 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,515 - Noodles. - Oh, hi! 429 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:10,992 I brought you lunch. 430 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,091 And look, I found those olives you like. 431 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:14,333 And bitters. I found bitters. 432 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:15,857 Hello, Julie. 433 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,263 Hey, Gabby. How's the pledge drive? 434 00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:19,204 Uh, we're doing the best we can. 435 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:19,969 Hey, have you guys ever considered 436 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,127 changing your pitch? 437 00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,002 It's like tote bags and umbrellas? 438 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:24,873 What kind of message does that send? 439 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:26,965 "I love books" and "oh, good, it's raining"? 440 00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:28,244 We can't afford better gifts. 441 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:29,541 Oh. 442 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,142 One of Julie's favorite hobbies 443 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,354 is fixing things when she thinks they need fixing, 444 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,075 even when it's my boss. 445 00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:36,881 Ooh, then what if you just jazzed up the pledge breaks? 446 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,124 I mean, it doesn't have to be expensive. 447 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,288 It could be cheap, 448 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:41,016 like when Comedy Central did those roasts. 449 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,091 Let's get back to work. 450 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,559 Wait, Gabby. 451 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,556 Seriously, I think this is kind of a great idea. 452 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,158 First ever PBS roast? 453 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,830 I mean, we could pack the dais with PBS personalities 454 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,970 and rip them all new assholes-- 455 00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:53,565 Charlie Rose, Cookie Monster, 456 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,096 those creepy twins from Antiques Roadshow. 457 00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:57,573 I grew up with those brothers. 458 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:58,940 They're family friends. 459 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,039 I bathed with those twins. 460 00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:03,181 This conversation is hurtful. 461 00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,246 And out of respect to my boundaries, 462 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,845 I am going. 463 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:12,591 Thanks for lunch. 464 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:15,191 [sighs] 465 00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:20,058 [stirring music] 466 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,960 Everybody on Veep talks too fast. 467 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,333 I'm switching it to Big Bang. 468 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:26,632 Why did Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting 469 00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:29,073 only make $1 million for this episode? 470 00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:30,169 Is that true? 471 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,640 It's amazing. 472 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,208 When you're here, she actually listens. 473 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,136 I listen to everything you say. 474 00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,282 You're upset because you brought Arthur lunch 475 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,077 and he was too drunk to realize you were there. 476 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,410 That's not the story. 477 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,324 I think it's very close. Who wants popcorn? 478 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,116 Isn't this fun? 479 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,618 It's like a slumber party. 480 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,989 Hey, Billy, want to see my yearbook? 481 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,219 I was a size zero, 482 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:53,063 and that's a 1969 size zero. 483 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,100 I was the size of Allison Janney's arm. 484 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,895 - Wow. - Very, very small. 485 00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,068 I'll be right back. 486 00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:01,096 I have to get out of here. 487 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,301 I miss my boyfriend. 488 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,073 I know, and looking at you, 489 00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,442 I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have dumped Fred. 490 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:07,639 Is it the worst thing in the world 491 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,140 to be a participator? 492 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,152 No. I mean, it's up there. 493 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,645 Oh, it's time for Arthur's shift. 494 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,176 Turn on PBS quick. 495 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:17,323 Here you are. 496 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:18,447 Thank you. 497 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,321 Where did my nerds go? 498 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,160 Hello, public television fans. 499 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,185 We hope you are enjoying hour three 500 00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:26,991 of The Slow Dances of Tibet. 501 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,134 And now it's umbrella time. 502 00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:30,999 (Billy) Oh, my God, it's umbrella time. 503 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:32,168 How exciting is that? 504 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,225 I feel like I've been shot in the face 505 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:34,673 with a tranquilizer dart. 506 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,197 Arthur told me he gets the worst programs 507 00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:37,473 during the worst shifts. 508 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:40,010 No, they're contaminating the popcorn. 509 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,937 Oh, God, that's a Marimekko bowl. 510 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,413 We are a family here, and we need your help. 511 00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,212 Isn't that right, Arthur? 512 00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,154 (Billy) Oh, here's Arthur. 513 00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,419 (Julie) Ugh, nobody's gonna pledge any money for this. 514 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:53,117 Coming up after the final Tibetan dance, 515 00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:55,360 set to complete silence, 516 00:15:55,455 --> 00:16:00,025 a number from the musical The Hairspray. 517 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,687 He's gonna get fired. 518 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,704 [rock music] 519 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:08,367 * 520 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,698 How did you get in here? 521 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,072 I told the security guard 522 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,411 I was Shari Lewis's granddaughter. 523 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:14,335 Well, the pledge thermometer hasn't budged. 524 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:15,511 Hopefully, people will tune in during the Hairspray song. 525 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,278 Oh, who's doing it? 526 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:18,507 Harvey Fierstein is singing with Cheyenne Jackson, 527 00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:19,511 and Marc Shaiman is playing piano. 528 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:22,122 Wow, the gay trifecta. 529 00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,175 I wonder who they'll contact in the inevitable séance. 530 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,294 Ross Matthews? 531 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:26,345 Ross Matthews isn't dead yet. 532 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:27,523 Oh, right. 533 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,160 I want to meet Marc Shaiman. 534 00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:30,716 (Shaiman) My ears are burning. 535 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,193 And it's not venereal. 536 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,532 [laughter] - Hey, hi, how are ya? 537 00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,056 I'm Billy. 538 00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:36,202 I saw Bridget Evancho the other night, 539 00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:37,326 and your songs are amazing. 540 00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,030 Yeah, right? 541 00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,472 I'm Julie Kessler. I'm such a fan of yours. 542 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:41,497 I wouldn't even know where to begin. 543 00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,071 Julie Kessler. 544 00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:44,740 Don't you write recaps of TV shows? 545 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,937 Yes. 546 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,539 You wrote something really nasty about us on Smash. 547 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,081 Well, if I said anything mean about it, 548 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,307 I'm sure I was just upset 549 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,211 that Ivy didn't get the role of Marilyn. 550 00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:56,053 Do you have any idea how hard we work on those songs? 551 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,449 And then it's so easy for you people 552 00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:58,550 to just trash 'em. 553 00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:00,091 It wasn't that easy. 554 00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:02,117 I had 300 words due that day by noon. 555 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,092 You here to write some more shit about me online? 556 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,291 I'm here because the pledge breaks are so boring, 557 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:07,533 I decided to help my boyfriend-- 558 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,127 Oh, great, so now I'm boring. 559 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,459 You know what? I'm leaving. 560 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,333 What? Mr. Shaiman, no. 561 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,302 Tell Harvey and Cheyenne I'll meet them 562 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:15,571 at the M&M store. 563 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:17,138 Oh, thanks a lot, mouse pad. 564 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,507 Now with Shaiman gone, 565 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,205 I have nothing lined up for the next pledge break. 566 00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:21,367 I was just trying to help. 567 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:24,084 And yet... 568 00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,407 Shit! 569 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:26,782 Okay, I can fix this. 570 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,119 What if we do your PBS roast idea? 571 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,446 Uh, we can't just-- we have nothing prepared. 572 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:32,821 It's making fun of PBS celebrities. 573 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,419 We can do it in our sleep. 574 00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:36,161 Doesn't that go against your whole resolution 575 00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,086 about being nicer to celebrities? 576 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,191 Fuck celebrities! 577 00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:40,392 I mean, except for Wendy Williams. 578 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,463 Look, you need me, and Arthur needs you. 579 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,303 Arthur. 580 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,128 We have an idea. 581 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,466 Welcome to the first ever PBS roast. 582 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,372 Now, before we move on, I just want to acknowledge 583 00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,144 all of our viewers who are taking time 584 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,443 out of not having sex to watch our show. 585 00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,084 Thank you so much. 586 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,349 Your balls are bluer than Cookie Monster's. 587 00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,348 (Billy) And speaking of Sesame Street, 588 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,390 Maria from Sesame Street was supposed to be here tonight, 589 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,385 but Charlie Rose wouldn't let her have the night off 590 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:08,557 from cleaning his apartment. 591 00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:09,855 And speaking of Charlie Rose, 592 00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,486 this isn't a joke or anything, 593 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,491 but he just seems like a really mean pervert to me, 594 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:14,833 like the kind of guy that only likes porn 595 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,127 where a lady's getting it from behind 596 00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,529 and her head is in the toilet. 597 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,530 And I hate to take things into a negative place, 598 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,403 but, PBS, I have a beef with you. 599 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,402 Why did you cancel Shining Time Station? 600 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:26,274 If there is one thing children love, 601 00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:29,183 it's having Ringo Starr yell at them about trains. 602 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,376 (Billy) There are so many good shows you guys don't play anymore. 603 00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:32,508 What about The Frugal Gourmet? 604 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,282 Remember that show? 605 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,281 That was one of my grandmother's favorites. 606 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,323 You know, the original title of The Frugal Gourmet 607 00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:40,288 was The Cheap Cunt. 608 00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:41,887 Or Mr. Bean. Everybody loves Mr. Bean. 609 00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:43,858 Hey, Billy, you know that's what I call my clitoris? 610 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,356 Oh, wow. 611 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,558 Maggie Smith knows what I'm talking about. 612 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,399 Well, despite an FCC fine 613 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:49,825 and an email from Gabby firing me, 614 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,299 which she later retracted, 615 00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,368 you guys really saved my patoot. 616 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:56,436 Yes, Arthur, this video has over 100,000 views already. 617 00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,366 Not since the days of Too Many Cooks-- 618 00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,441 remember Too Many Cooks? 619 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:00,909 No. 620 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,507 This video has gotten so many donations 621 00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:04,479 that PBS raised more money than we ever have, 622 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,307 over $1,143! 623 00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,154 Oh, Arthur, I'm so proud of you. 624 00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:10,579 And I promise going forward, I'm going to give you 625 00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,253 the five days a year that you need. 626 00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:13,452 Oh, thank you, porcupine, 627 00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,363 but those days are over for this year. 628 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,255 Welcome home. I'll make dinner tonight. 629 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,457 Mm-mm, no. 630 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,188 We have tickets to Abra Cadouglas. 631 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,563 Then we have to go to that Simpsons party. 632 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,201 When did you get tickets for Abra Cadouglas? 633 00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:24,596 Well, it was my big play to get Fred back, 634 00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,467 but he never replied to my email. 635 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:29,166 - Fuck Fred. - Fuck Fred. 636 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,339 Now if I want to go to a magic show with a gay guy, 637 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,338 the only left is Neil Patrick Harris. 638 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,610 [lively music] 639 00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,878 Oh, my God, this place is packed. 640 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,307 It's a good thing you got tickets 641 00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:42,552 before Abra Cadouglas exploded, apparently. 642 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,949 Oh, my God, is that Martha Stewart 643 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:46,491 and Nathan Lane? 644 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:49,186 I guess Abra's the toast of the town. 645 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:50,419 - Oh, my God. - What? 646 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,963 That's Fred. And he brought a date. 647 00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:54,259 (Julie) The nerve of him. 648 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:55,531 I hate them both! 649 00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:57,328 No, no, no, you don't have to hate them. 650 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,670 It's my fault; I was being nice to celebrities 651 00:19:58,765 --> 00:19:59,965 and mean to guys I date. 652 00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,396 I should be doing the reverse. 653 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,541 Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. 654 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,366 - Oh! - Here we go. 655 00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:07,912 (man) She's sober. She's magical. 656 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,377 She's Abra Cadouglas! 657 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,477 [applause] - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 658 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:13,649 The road to recovery is long, 659 00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:15,206 and so is this scarf. 660 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:16,975 Oh, it never ends. It never ends. 661 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,523 Lifelong commitment to... 662 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,389 serenity. 663 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:22,488 Abra Cadouglas. 664 00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,659 [cheers and applause] 665 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,456 When I say, "A," you say, "A." 666 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,558 - A. - A. 667 00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,229 - A. - A. 668 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,628 Higher power. Thank you so much. 669 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,399 [scattered applause] 670 00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:33,228 For my next trick, I'm gonna need a volunteer. 671 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:34,403 Who's it gonna be? 672 00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:35,441 - Should I do it? - Anybody? 673 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:36,935 Because if I do it, 674 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,466 maybe Fred will see that I'm okay with it 675 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:39,541 and then he'll have to take me back. 676 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:40,639 Are you serious? 677 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,380 You have to think about this, Billy. 678 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,475 I don't have time to think. I'll do it! 679 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,276 Yes, you will. 680 00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:46,508 Give him a round of applause. 681 00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:48,353 He just got a service commitment. 682 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,278 [applause] 683 00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:51,283 Sir, what's your name? 684 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:52,394 Um, Billy. 685 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,415 (all) Hi, Billy. 686 00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,961 Hi, and I just want to say that I'm not above this. 687 00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,486 And I'm having a great time, and I'm up for anything. 688 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:03,532 Billy, I'm gonna need you to sit inside of this wagon. 689 00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,570 Okay, all right. 690 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,765 This trigger represents an obstacle to recovery, 691 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,538 or a trigger. 692 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:11,567 Oh, Jesus. 693 00:21:11,671 --> 00:21:13,541 Work stress. 694 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,340 Co-dependent parents. 695 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:17,442 Dating too soon in recovery. 696 00:21:17,544 --> 00:21:18,584 [laughter] 697 00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:19,678 Living above a bar! 698 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,349 No, okay. All right. Oh. 699 00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:22,978 Presto chango, you're off the wagon. 700 00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:24,052 [applause] 701 00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:25,590 Abra Cadouglas! 702 00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:28,785 Oh, God, you're still wet? 703 00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:30,388 Well, I mean, you know... 704 00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,020 Was that as humiliating as it looked? 705 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,594 Oh, much more so. 706 00:21:33,693 --> 00:21:34,663 Hey, Billy. 707 00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:36,461 Hey, Fred. How are you? 708 00:21:36,563 --> 00:21:37,503 Good to see you. 709 00:21:37,597 --> 00:21:39,327 Look at me; I participated. 710 00:21:39,432 --> 00:21:41,072 Yeah, you know, I feel like this whole thing 711 00:21:41,167 --> 00:21:42,737 was like an exercise in empathy. 712 00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:44,335 Yeah, I guess that's what it was. 713 00:21:44,437 --> 00:21:45,507 Such a huge turnoff 714 00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:48,375 to see somebody embarrass themselves on stage like that. 715 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:49,705 I'll see you around. 716 00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,679 Come on, Mordecai. 717 00:21:54,414 --> 00:21:55,584 Never do the right thing. 718 00:21:55,682 --> 00:21:56,822 I know. 719 00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:58,446 Never do the right thing! 720 00:21:58,551 --> 00:22:00,751 I know. I know. I know. I'm sorry. 721 00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:02,493 Let's go to that Simpsons party. 722 00:22:02,589 --> 00:22:06,429 [dramatic classical music] 723 00:22:06,526 --> 00:22:08,426 Kessler. K-e-s-s-l-e-r. 724 00:22:08,528 --> 00:22:09,698 Just look again. 725 00:22:09,796 --> 00:22:11,326 Here, show him the invite on your phone. 726 00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:12,771 This says, "Julie Kavner." 727 00:22:12,865 --> 00:22:14,025 - What? - What are you talking about? 728 00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:15,843 JulieK@gmail. 729 00:22:15,935 --> 00:22:17,365 With or without an underscore, though? 730 00:22:17,470 --> 00:22:18,640 - Shit. - No, that was a mistake. 731 00:22:18,738 --> 00:22:20,738 We meant to invite Julie Kavner, because 732 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,680 she is an integral part of the longevity of The Simpsons. 733 00:22:22,775 --> 00:22:24,435 You know, I don't need to hear your musings 734 00:22:24,544 --> 00:22:25,784 on Julie Kavner's star quality right now. 735 00:22:25,878 --> 00:22:27,378 Yeah, well, you, I've never heard of. 736 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:28,520 Next. 737 00:22:28,615 --> 00:22:30,445 See? I wasn't invited either. 738 00:22:30,550 --> 00:22:31,780 And it has nothing to do with whether or not 739 00:22:31,884 --> 00:22:33,054 we're nice or mean to celebrities. 740 00:22:33,152 --> 00:22:34,722 It's just the way it is. 741 00:22:34,821 --> 00:22:36,491 It has to do with the fact that nobody knows who we are. 742 00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:38,119 Hey. 743 00:22:38,224 --> 00:22:39,664 [laughs] Billy, isn't it? 744 00:22:39,759 --> 00:22:40,659 - Yeah. - Oh, my God. 745 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:41,760 [laughs] 746 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:43,361 Oh, my God, Martin Short. 747 00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:44,633 Gee, you're taller in person. 748 00:22:44,731 --> 00:22:45,801 I--I am very tall. 749 00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:47,668 Oh, my God, yes, I'm Billy Epstein. 750 00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:48,697 How do you know who I am? 751 00:22:48,801 --> 00:22:50,441 I'm a huge fan of yours, 752 00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:51,837 and you recognizing me is changing my entire night. 753 00:22:51,938 --> 00:22:53,808 Yeah, you were at Abra Cadouglas's show. 754 00:22:53,906 --> 00:22:55,066 - Were you just there? - Yes. 755 00:22:55,174 --> 00:22:56,544 Oh, my God, that's crazy. 756 00:22:56,643 --> 00:22:58,383 And what--you know my standup or something? 757 00:22:58,478 --> 00:22:59,608 No, no, I've never seen it. 758 00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,412 I can't imagine you'd have a standup. 759 00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:02,724 If you do, you shouldn't. 760 00:23:02,815 --> 00:23:03,815 You were just this awkward guy 761 00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:05,076 that they brought up 762 00:23:05,184 --> 00:23:06,624 and kind of made a goof of himself. 763 00:23:06,719 --> 00:23:08,419 Gee, you have no charisma, 764 00:23:08,521 --> 00:23:09,861 but I think that's maybe your strength. 765 00:23:09,956 --> 00:23:11,816 I don't know, but it's fun for us to watch. 766 00:23:11,924 --> 00:23:15,164 Hey, now, you remind me of a young Shari Lewis. 767 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:17,428 Jerry Lewis. 768 00:23:17,530 --> 00:23:18,630 - Okay. - Yeah. 769 00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:21,401 Anyway, got the big teeth. 770 00:23:21,501 --> 00:23:22,841 Anyway, good to see you. 771 00:23:22,935 --> 00:23:24,395 [rock music] 772 00:23:24,504 --> 00:23:26,714 (man) * Ow 773 00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:29,436 * Thought it'd be easy 774 00:23:29,542 --> 00:23:31,812 * Thought they didn't know 775 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:36,921 * You thought it was the only way to go * 776 00:23:37,016 --> 00:23:39,546 * Another way out 777 00:23:39,652 --> 00:23:42,122 * Found on the way home 778 00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:43,491 * Thought you were living fast 779 00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:46,130 * But you were living slow 780 00:23:46,225 --> 00:23:54,165 *