1 00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:05,039 [driving punk rock music] 2 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,540 (Julie) This is so exciting. 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,242 Our first meeting with a comedy manager. 4 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,078 Oh, I love going out to breakfast 5 00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:12,046 because no one ever judges you for not getting a salad. 6 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:13,381 I'll judge you. 7 00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,349 You two are so bloody funny together. 8 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,385 Richard, in Australia are the kangaroos 9 00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:18,586 as prevalent as squirrels? 10 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,020 I could beat up a kangaroo. 11 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,222 - You could not. - Yes, I could. 12 00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:22,423 - You could not. - I'd have no reason to, 13 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,158 but I could. 14 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:25,426 Are you looking for representation? 15 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,361 Oh, my God, are you kidding? Always. Yes. 16 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:28,396 That was easy. 17 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:30,331 Yes, we have a manager now. 18 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:31,432 All right, slow down. 19 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,301 Let's start this gradually. 20 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,203 We'll try a few things and build a relationship. 21 00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:36,570 I'd like to have a relationship with a fresh kangaroo. 22 00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,106 I'd pop him right in the nose. 23 00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:39,307 Give him the ol' paintbrush. 24 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,142 You're obsessed with kangaroos. 25 00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,376 Are you interested in writing jobs? 26 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,212 - Yes, yes. - Oh, God, yes. Of course. 27 00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:45,479 I'd like any job where I'm considered 28 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,215 the person with the most social skills. 29 00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,483 And I've always hated pants with zippers. 30 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,385 Even Later with Chris Hardwick is looking. 31 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:54,188 After Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, Carson Daly-- 32 00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:57,091 it's a live show that recaps the entire late night block. 33 00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:59,059 Exactly what we needed. I've been saying that. 34 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,628 Yeah, finally. 35 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,230 (Billy) So in the packet, what do we have to write? 36 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,564 Monologue jokes. Twitter hashtag games. 37 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,234 Great. We will kill it. We will crush it. 38 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,635 It's due tomorrow morning. 39 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,604 I am so ready to write television 40 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:13,174 instead of just watching it and recapping it. 41 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,608 This is huge, Billy. 42 00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:15,676 Do you realize how many people started out 43 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,378 as late night television writers? 44 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,079 Mel Brooks, Woody Allen. 45 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:20,514 I know, I can't wait to marry my own daughter 46 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,483 and start writing terrible movie scripts ten years ago. 47 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,118 I'm so proud of Woody Allen. 48 00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:25,553 He paid so many dues and he finally got 49 00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:26,654 what he was always wanted. 50 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,322 (both) An Amazon series. 51 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:32,426 [driving punk rock music] 52 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,362 Hello, Billy. Noodles. 53 00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:35,629 Why are surrounded with the vestiges 54 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:37,398 of print journalism? 55 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:39,500 We have an opportunity to be television writers. 56 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,335 Yes, we are looking at newspapers 57 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,471 because we have to write jokes about current events. 58 00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,539 Which newspapers are bursting with. 59 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,508 [sighs] 60 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:48,676 Oh, Ebola's back. 61 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,378 Uh-oh! 62 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,313 We could do something like 63 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,448 Angelina Jolie's a director and now Ebola's back? 64 00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,350 (both) Uh-oh! 65 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,651 - Right. - But we need a premise. 66 00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:58,686 Like, you know, how they talk on talk shows, 67 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,688 like, "In the news today..." 68 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,122 "You guys hear about this? 69 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,291 "Here's a funny story or..." 70 00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,658 "Joe Biden had dinner 71 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,394 in New York City." 72 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,162 Yeah, "Joe Biden had dinner in New York City." 73 00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:09,530 "Joe Biden had dinner in New York City." 74 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,399 "Joe Biden had dinner in New York City." 75 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:12,433 "Joe Biden tonight had dinner in New York City." 76 00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:13,467 What a... What a... 77 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:14,568 What a clod, right? 78 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,136 That's our take on him. 79 00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,638 Yeah. 80 00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,673 We could write a joke about the Taliban. 81 00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:20,741 Yes. 82 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,410 Like, "The Taliban is awful, 83 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,678 and Angelina Jolie is directing now?" 84 00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,547 (both) Uh-oh! 85 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,616 Sounds like you two are off to a great start. 86 00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:31,219 Text me if you don't want paella for dinner. 87 00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:32,553 Consider yourself texted. 88 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:36,156 [Arthur whistling] 89 00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,358 Julie, you okay? 90 00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:38,592 Yeah, why? 91 00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:39,693 'Cause Arthur was whistling 92 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,161 and you didn't say anything. 93 00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:42,430 It was like you didn't mind. 94 00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:43,497 You know, I haven oddly been more serene 95 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,165 these past few days. 96 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,434 And nauseous. 97 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:47,668 And late for my period. 98 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:48,769 Oh, my God! 99 00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,404 What if I'm pregnant? 100 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:51,572 You're not pregnant. 101 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:52,573 There's no way I'm pregnant. 102 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:53,641 No. 103 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,309 But then there's that TV show 104 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:56,577 of women that went to the bathroom one day, 105 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:57,645 and surprise, you don't have to poop; 106 00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:58,646 you're a human mother. 107 00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,248 I don't watch that show. 108 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,282 Oh, my God, what if I'm pregnant? 109 00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:04,618 (Julie) None of these pregnancy tests 110 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:05,619 are gonna be accurate. 111 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,620 Why not? 112 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,721 I'm on this illegal 113 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,390 Canadian HCG hormone 114 00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,259 I ordered from a spam email to lose weight. 115 00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,526 Well, that sounds perfectly safe. 116 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:13,727 Yeah, I know, but what's the alternative? 117 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,396 Portion control? 118 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,298 Now any of these tests I take is gonna give me 119 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,533 a false negative. 120 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,469 I'm gonna call my doctor. 121 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,437 Oh, lube has its own aisle here. 122 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,705 Fancy. 123 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,640 My doctor can't see me till Friday, 124 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,642 so I decided to stock up on hope tampons 125 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,344 in the meantime. 126 00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:31,945 I'm sure your body will get the hint. 127 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,647 You know, as impressed as I was with Richard, 128 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,616 I just don't know if he's the right match for us. 129 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,717 There's something about him. 130 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:37,951 I can't tell if he's sleazy 131 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,520 or just Australian. 132 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:40,588 So if he's the wrong manager, 133 00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:41,689 we can always leave. 134 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:42,956 I mean, nothing is permanent, 135 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,558 except, you know, parenthood. 136 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:45,559 Well, not the show Parenthood. 137 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,295 That's over. 138 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,329 Every lesbian I'm friends with on Facebook 139 00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,597 loved that show. 140 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,299 I know, it was so important to them 141 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:52,500 to let all their friends know when they cried. 142 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,734 Yeah, how did lesbians let us know 143 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:54,768 they were crying before Facebook? 144 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,003 Smoke signals. 145 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,672 Oh, my God. 146 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,241 The Huffington Post print edition? 147 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,710 Are you kidding me? 148 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,612 This is a joke? No. 149 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,314 This is real. 150 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,348 Everything you liked about The Huffington Post 151 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:08,382 without any of the convenience. 152 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:09,750 And who says print is dead? 153 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,785 Somebody at a party I would never want to talk to. 154 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,287 Look at this! 155 00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,788 How do they afford all of this ink? 156 00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:16,457 Every person in the known universe 157 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:17,991 is a columnist in there. 158 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,660 Well, to be fair, could we really have gone 159 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,629 another day without reading Phoebe Tuttnauer's 160 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:24,432 haunting personal essay about her bad experience with Airbnb? 161 00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:25,999 I must buy this! 162 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:31,505 I'm glad we got candy. It helps me think. 163 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,273 Mm-hmm. Me too. 164 00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:34,508 It's good for our brains. It's like fish. 165 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,410 Do you ever read about those rich women 166 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,446 and the dermatologists tell them to eat so much salmon 167 00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:41,315 that they joke, "Maybe I'm one day gonna become a salmon." 168 00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:42,516 Yeah, like someone who's like, 169 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,017 "Oh, if I eat another blueberry, 170 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,486 I think I'm gonna become a blueberry." 171 00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:48,622 It's like, "No, you're not." 172 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,358 I think it's from Willy Wonka. 173 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,825 Mmm. 174 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,028 We should get something on the page. 175 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,697 Yeah. 176 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,298 We're supposed to come up with Twitter hashtag games. 177 00:04:58,399 --> 00:04:59,500 Why don't we go on Twitter 178 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,668 and look at some actual hashtag games? 179 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,503 - Like research. - Mm-hmm. 180 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:07,040 [siren wailing in distance] 181 00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:13,581 [car horn in distance] 182 00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:14,815 This isn't working. 183 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:15,816 I know. 184 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,518 You know why? 185 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,520 This isn't a proper work environment. 186 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,489 I wasn't just thinking that. I didn't want to say it. 187 00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:23,391 We need to make it more like a comedy writers' room. 188 00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:25,393 You know what comedy writers' room have? 189 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:27,060 Ping-pong tables. 190 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,729 Yes. Yes. 191 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,499 It'll free up our minds for jokes 192 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,767 because their hands are moving around! 193 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,102 - In motion. - We should get one. 194 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,537 - Let's go get it. - At a... 195 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,506 Um... A sporting goods store? 196 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:39,540 Yep, we'll write on the train. 197 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,541 Yep, I'll bring my laptop. 198 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:41,542 I'll bring mine too. 199 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:45,513 * 200 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,381 I'm glad we didn't write on the train. 201 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,517 Yeah, you know, I think if you start to obsess to much 202 00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:50,784 about the actual writing, 203 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,786 you miss the opportunity to be inspired 204 00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,087 by changing your environment. 205 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,456 Yeah, speaking of which, 206 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:56,624 let's get the ping-ping table 207 00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:57,825 and get the hell out of here. 208 00:05:57,925 --> 00:05:59,427 I know, I'm getting flashbacks 209 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:00,894 to all those jocks in my high school. 210 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,430 Oh, my God. 211 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,131 You know what my worst nightmare would be? 212 00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,099 What if I am pregnant 213 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,468 and I end up having a son 214 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,102 and he's athletic and well-adjusted 215 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,103 and popular? 216 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,605 And--oh, my God-- 217 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,140 what if he's not gay? 218 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,875 Julie. Stop being crazy. 219 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,644 I promise you, if you have a son, 220 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,612 he will be as gay as Jason Gould. 221 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:19,713 Thank you. 222 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,381 But still, could you imagine? 223 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,383 What if he tried to high-five me one time? 224 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:24,785 - Ugh. - I know. 225 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,119 So which is the black side 226 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,120 and which is the red side? 227 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,522 Are they different, 228 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:29,857 or is it the same kind of rubber? 229 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,459 I didn't know these were wood; is this real wood? 230 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:32,860 Hey, folks. 231 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,595 I'm Rita. Looking for a ping-pong table? 232 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:35,796 - Yeah, I think so. - Possibly. 233 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,565 Well, the thing I like about this one 234 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,467 is its integrative ball storage apron, right here. 235 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:40,734 It's right at the knee length. 236 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,169 It's nice. Holds a lot of balls. 237 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,738 Oh, my God. This is really expensive. 238 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:47,741 Well, don't make any decisions you can't back up. 239 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,710 You know, I always like to tell my customers 240 00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:52,145 to sleep on it when it comes to making big purchases. 241 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,614 Doesn't make me the best salesgirl on the floor, 242 00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,749 but at least I have a good conscious. 243 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,951 Well, we all make choices. 244 00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,587 Choices. [chuckles] 245 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:01,188 Hey, you want to hear a funny story? 246 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,890 I used to be an Olympic gymnast. 247 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,692 That is... funny. 248 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,193 Yeah, I even got an offer 249 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:07,728 to be on the cover of a box of Wheaties, 250 00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,497 but then a much trashier cereal approached me 251 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,732 for twice the money, and I couldn't say no. 252 00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,634 After my photo was published on box after box 253 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,637 of Slappies, my career was over. 254 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,472 What the hell are Slappies? 255 00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:19,773 They're off the market now. 256 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:20,774 They were kind of like Wheaties, 257 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:21,775 but they glowed in the dark. 258 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,477 Turns out that 27,000% 259 00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:25,713 of a daily recommended allowance of mercury 260 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,515 is too much of a good thing. 261 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,517 Are you serious? That's horrible. 262 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,584 Yeah. 263 00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:31,585 Sure wish I turned 'em down 264 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:32,786 when I had the chance. 265 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,555 Anywhoozle, 266 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:37,858 how about this pivoting 72-inch cotton blend net? 267 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,660 Look at that. 268 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,794 You catch blue crabs in something like that, right? 269 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:41,829 (Billy) It's nice. 270 00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,230 You guys go crabbing? 271 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,665 We're never going to play ping-pong. 272 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,199 No, and now that I see it in person, 273 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,467 I don't think it's as inspirational 274 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:48,569 as I thought it would be. 275 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:49,670 We're not, like, sportsmen. 276 00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:50,738 Now that we're here, it just-- 277 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,706 it's not a good idea. 278 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,808 Okay, well, what the fuck am I doing here, then, right? 279 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:55,843 Oh, wow. 280 00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:57,210 Clarence? 281 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,680 (Julie) Okay, back to the packet. 282 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:00,981 I have an idea. 283 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,517 What if we went to the Paley Center 284 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,953 and we watched old episodes of late night talk shows 285 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,487 for inspiration? 286 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:08,922 Yes, I've always wanted to do that. 287 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,258 You can go and you watch, like, Steve Allen and Jack Paar 288 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,693 and all of it. 289 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:13,894 Even if we just watch a couple 290 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:14,928 of episodes of Johnny Carson, 291 00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,263 it will inspire us. 292 00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:17,264 Totally. 293 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,265 What was that thing 294 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,266 Johnny Carson used to do? 295 00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:20,267 Oh, no-- punch women. 296 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,669 Yes. 297 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:22,903 I am so glad we left the Paley Center 298 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:23,937 to get mani-pedis. 299 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:24,972 Me too. 300 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,540 How are supposed to sit through 301 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,708 a single episode of any of that shit? 302 00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:28,976 I know, right? It's so boring. 303 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:31,278 I mean, Ernie Kovacs, suck my dick. 304 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:32,813 That was a different time. 305 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,047 Were they? 306 00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:35,649 I mean, it's 2015 and still, 307 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:36,984 every single talk show host on network 308 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,852 late night TV is a straight white man. 309 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,654 Hmm, I don't know. 310 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:43,290 Colbert's too smart not to at least be bi. 311 00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,760 See, girls that age, 312 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,662 you just sneeze on them and they get pregnant. 313 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:49,997 But what erotic foreplay. 314 00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:51,699 Seriously, though, I'm 35. 315 00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,601 What if this is my last chance to get pregnant? 316 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:54,668 Do you want to be pregnant? 317 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:55,669 No! 318 00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:56,670 Thank God. 319 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:57,671 What if I do one day, 320 00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:58,672 and when the time is right, 321 00:08:58,772 --> 00:08:59,673 I'm not able to? 322 00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:00,874 What if you do one day 323 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,309 and you then you become of those people 324 00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:03,744 that only talks about their baby all the time 325 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:04,978 and then I have to find a new friend? 326 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,680 God, look at the masthead on this thing. 327 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:07,981 It's huge. 328 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,883 Oh, good. Bill Maher has something to say. 329 00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,585 How can still call them "new rules"? 330 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:12,786 He's been on the air since his hair 331 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,655 will still mauve. 332 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,624 I don't know, we need fresh voices on television. 333 00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:17,791 I know: ours! 334 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:18,792 I just want to dive in 335 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:19,827 and write, write, write! 336 00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:21,028 Me too! 337 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:22,029 You know what would be fun? 338 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,030 To go to a movie. 339 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,665 A movie. 340 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:25,766 (Julie) So it's later than we thought. 341 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:26,967 I'm still glad we saw that. 342 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:27,968 Me too. 343 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,302 The only annoying thing 344 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,904 is how many of our friends were in it. 345 00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,773 Anything at this point that's Apatow-adjacent, 346 00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,041 we just have to accept is going to star 347 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,944 everyone we went into improv class with. 348 00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:38,612 - Oh, no. - What's wrong? 349 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:39,780 Is the baby kicking? 350 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:40,848 I don't have my laptop. 351 00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:42,683 But our sex tape is in the cloud! 352 00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,117 [screams] 353 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,653 Seriously, though, I don't have my laptop. 354 00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,756 [driving punk rock music] 355 00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:52,025 Sorry, guys, no laptop in the lost and found. 356 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,026 Really? 357 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,594 Could you just ask Rita 358 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,896 if it was near the ping-pong table? 359 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,030 I know it has to be there. 360 00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,331 Well, Rita's shift ended. 361 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,600 Maybe she took the laptop home. 362 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:01,835 My friend has a lot of classified information 363 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,336 on that computer. 364 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,905 She's a very important businesswoman. 365 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,073 Sir, she works for NASA. 366 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:07,641 NASA? 367 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:08,976 Those are the same sons of bitches 368 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,343 who put me in this chair. 369 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,679 I beg your pardon? 370 00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:12,813 There was this beautiful girl, you see, 371 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:14,381 and it wasn't typical, 372 00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,816 a girl that stunning would talk to me. 373 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:18,118 Anyway, she asked me to accompany her 374 00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,987 to space camp. 375 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,789 I should have said no. 376 00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:23,090 And what happened at space camp? 377 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,025 I destroyed both my eardrums. 378 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,860 Lost my equilibrium. 379 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,061 What happened to the girl? 380 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:29,396 She got away. 381 00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,665 Ground control to Major Bummer. 382 00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:33,867 Well, I'll go give Rita a call. 383 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:34,868 Thank you so much. 384 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,136 Yeah, thanks. 385 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,405 Billy, I can't lose my laptop. 386 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,740 I know, do you have a lot of naked pictures 387 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,808 of yourself on there? 388 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,342 Of course; I'm more concerned 389 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:43,343 about all the emails badmouthing people . 390 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,411 Right. 391 00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:45,813 Amy Pascal has nothing on me. 392 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,047 She's an angel compared to you. 393 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,048 You're the same way. 394 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,683 I mean, come on. 395 00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,084 If anyone published your emails, 396 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,652 wouldn't you much rather it was just, like, 397 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:53,954 un flattering photo of you naked? 398 00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,723 Are you kidding? 399 00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:56,790 I don't care about people say about my dick. 400 00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:57,858 Hey, NASA! Good news. 401 00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,059 We just got your laptop. 402 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,427 - Oh, yes! - Are you serious? 403 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,796 Oh, my God, thank you so much. 404 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,165 Yeah, she said to meet her near Astor Place at 6:00. 405 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,166 (Julie) Okay. 406 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,367 She's got a voice lesson. 407 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,902 Oh, wow. 408 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:09,903 I wouldn't think Rita could carry a tune. 409 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,071 (man) Shut your mouth! 410 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,073 There's a lot of things Rita can do. 411 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,942 [lively rock music] 412 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:16,076 (Julie) This is good. 413 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,677 We're meeting Rita at 6:00, 414 00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:18,746 so now we have three hours to write. 415 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,113 Yes, exactly. All right. 416 00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:21,849 So should I type, or do you want to type? 417 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:23,116 - We can switch off. - Let's switch off. 418 00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,718 Want to trade off, like, every half hour? 419 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:25,819 15 minutes. 420 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:26,820 Okay, why don't we trade off 421 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,055 every 10 minutes? 422 00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:29,857 But you should start, you know... 423 00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:30,858 My keyboard's, like, disgusting at this point. 424 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,025 Excuse me. 425 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,994 I'm just going to the restroom. 426 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,863 If a guy comes in about 5'9" 427 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,464 wearing a purple scarf, 428 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:38,766 will you tell him that I'll be right back, please? 429 00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:40,834 Yeah, sure. 430 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,035 You're looking at my eyebrows aren't you? 431 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,703 - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. 432 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:44,872 - No. - You're looking at my eyebrows. 433 00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:45,873 - No. - They're obvious. 434 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:47,107 Yes, you are. 435 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,408 (Billy) They look great. 436 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:49,777 I got my hair done for this date, 437 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,011 and the lady at the salon 438 00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,145 convinced me to darken them 439 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:53,480 to make my eyes pop. 440 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:54,714 First they turned black, 441 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:55,715 so she put bleach on them. 442 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,818 Then... they turned yellow, 443 00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,152 so she put gloss on them. 444 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,421 Then they turned a mint-grey. 445 00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,791 Next thing I knew, my eyebrows were gone. 446 00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:06,193 Oh, my God. 447 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,728 Before what you say yes to. 448 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,134 [sighs] 449 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,168 Wow. 450 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:16,870 I'm telling you, 451 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,038 you don't know what it means to be alone 452 00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:19,072 until you're alone in New York. 453 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,440 I know, right? 454 00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:21,975 All right, we have to do this. 455 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,510 Hey, can I just borrow your laptop real quick? 456 00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:24,945 I'm just gonna look up abortion clinics on Yelp. 457 00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:27,114 Okay. 458 00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,816 Oh, this one got 4 1/2 stars. 459 00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,050 Oh. 460 00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:33,921 [driving punk rock music] 461 00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:36,189 Rita's almost a half hour late. 462 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:37,858 What if she doesn't even have my laptop? 463 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,259 What if this whole thing was just a con? 464 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,232 Hi. 465 00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:46,834 Are you waiting for Rita? 466 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,201 Yes, are you-- 467 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,803 I'm Kiki, her roommate. 468 00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,839 Rita's at urgent care. 469 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,874 Oh. Is she okay? 470 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:56,276 Yeah, she'll be all right. Rita's Rita. 471 00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,178 Ah. Here's your laptop. 472 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,013 Oh, thank you so much. 473 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,949 You have no idea 474 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,016 what this means to me. 475 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,484 No, I don't. 476 00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:08,021 Do you want to buy some coke? 477 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,022 Eh. 478 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,091 We just need index cards. 479 00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,993 Cowards. 480 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,069 We bought a lot of stuff from Staples. 481 00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:24,104 We really did. 482 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,807 And yet, we have not written a single word. 483 00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:29,009 I know. 484 00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:30,077 We've wasted the day. 485 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,079 We've wasted our day. 486 00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,847 We don't have anything on the page. 487 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,115 What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? 488 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,116 I'm panicking! 489 00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,117 All right, don't panic! 490 00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,151 - Motivate me. - Okay. 491 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,987 Think of all the opportunities 492 00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:42,022 we didn't even get the chance to fail at. Right? 493 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,123 This time, if we don't get the job, 494 00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,324 it's our fault 495 00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,527 and we can't blame the world. 496 00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,863 That's a nightmare. 497 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,999 Let's write this packet. 498 00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:55,002 [bouncy piano music] 499 00:13:55,102 --> 00:14:00,040 * 500 00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,241 Suzanne Somers! 501 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:02,242 Yes. 502 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:06,213 * 503 00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,181 That is indeed a packet. 504 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,918 Wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be, but-- 505 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,086 No, but we did get to eat candy, so... 506 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,087 Should I hit Send? 507 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,023 Yeah, hit Send. 508 00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:19,026 Ah! 509 00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:20,560 Finished? 510 00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,896 Yes, whether or not we get this job 511 00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,864 is now in God's hands. 512 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:27,167 Yes, He mostly concerns Himself with staffing matters. 513 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:29,336 I am so proud of you, Noodles. 514 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,104 I can't believe how you just pushed that out 515 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,172 all by yourself. 516 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,273 God, you're so strong. 517 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,909 I wish I could've helped. 518 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,310 Thanks, Crackers. 519 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,579 Text me if you don't want duck for dinner. 520 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:43,883 Consider yourself texted. 521 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,219 [exhales deeply] 522 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:47,320 You think he knows? 523 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,289 I hope not. 524 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,590 Arthur would be a good dad, 525 00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:53,326 a weird dad, but a good dad. 526 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,328 Uh, I don't know what to do. 527 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,030 Let's fall asleep watching The Talk 528 00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:59,099 like our forefathers did. 529 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:00,267 Okay. 530 00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:04,237 (Billy) Oh, my God. Julie, wake up. 531 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,238 What? 532 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,940 Um, it turns out Richard 533 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,342 does come from a performance background. 534 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:10,910 What do you mean? 535 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,145 Porn? So what? 536 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,580 I'd do porn if I had a thigh gap. 537 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,350 No, no, no. Look at this, please. 538 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,919 "Puppetry of the Penis"? 539 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,354 Richard was in that? 540 00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:22,355 "Puppetry of the Penis"! 541 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:23,923 [screaming] 542 00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:24,924 Don't you remember? 543 00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:25,959 It started in Australia. 544 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,227 I saw that Real Sex. 545 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,162 There was the guy that was like, 546 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,031 [with accent] "I was at the bar doing dick tricks? 547 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,932 "and there another bloke, and he was doing dick tricks, 548 00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,301 and we were like, 'Let's team up!'" 549 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,137 That was--that happens in Australia! 550 00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,338 You want to watch this? 551 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,140 I want to see what he can do. 552 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,409 Okay, he'll turn his penis into a tangerine. 553 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:43,977 (Richard) You've met the curious elephant 554 00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:45,712 and the hairy yo-yo, 555 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:49,682 but who here wants to see a juicy submarine sandwich? 556 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,184 No. No. 557 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,952 [both groaning] 558 00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,621 We just stayed up all night 559 00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:56,256 based on a suggestion coming from someone 560 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,657 who's more likely to know the founder 561 00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,959 or Burning Man than have any legitimate 562 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,328 connections in show business. 563 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,230 It must be so stretched out. 564 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,231 Oh, my God. 565 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:07,000 [cell phone buzzing] 566 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,968 - Ah! - Who is it? 567 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,270 Hey, Richard. 568 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,172 No. 569 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,741 I'm gonna put you speaker. Hold on. 570 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,276 What shape is his penis in right now? 571 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:17,644 - [shushes] - Oh, sorry. 572 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,346 (Richard) Hi, Billy. Hi, Julie. 573 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,248 So the head writer of Even Later with Chris Hardwick 574 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:23,016 loved your packet, and he wants to meet with you this afternoon. 575 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,084 - Whoa! - Oh, my God! 576 00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,019 (both) That's amazing. 577 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,120 Thank you so much. We'll call you right back. 578 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,121 Thank you. 579 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:29,389 The greatest dick trick 580 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,690 the devil ever played 581 00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,160 was getting us that interview. 582 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,262 Oh, my God. Oh. 583 00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:39,132 He's--you know what, he's got a pretty asshole. 584 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:42,001 [bluesy guitar music] 585 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:51,010 * 586 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,011 (Billy) Wow. 587 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:53,012 The Doors. 588 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,281 You can really play. 589 00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,015 Yeah, I'm a lefty; I play a righty guitar, 590 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,016 though, like Hendrix. 591 00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,785 Just like Jimi Henj. 592 00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:01,254 So, Billy and Julie. 593 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,223 Yes, thank you so much for meeting with us. 594 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,024 We're really excited to be here. 595 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,094 And Richard said that you really liked our packet, 596 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,295 so thank you very much. 597 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:09,296 That means a lot coming from you. 598 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:11,098 We worked really hard on it. 599 00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,499 To be honest, I didn't read it, 600 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,168 but I'm sure it's awesome. 601 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,204 I mean, network has been up my fucking ass 602 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:18,405 about a diversity hire 603 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:21,108 ever since Jezebel did another post 604 00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:24,177 about how there's no female writers in late night. 605 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:25,778 So do I count as a woman because I'm gay? 606 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,347 [laughs] 607 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:28,415 (Adam) All right, so let me level with you guys. 608 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,416 Unless you take a fucking shit 609 00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:30,817 right on my desk, 610 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,453 or if you aren't cool, you got this. 611 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,088 What do you mean by "cool"? 612 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,256 You know, just how it's, like, not safe 613 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,458 to joke about anything anymore, right? 614 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,493 You guys probably deal with that shit a lot. 615 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,262 We want to make the show that we want to make. 616 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,331 We don't want to have any regrets. 617 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,798 We don't want to wake up the next morning 618 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,300 and think, "You know what? 619 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,136 "We shouldn't have taken that network note. 620 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,837 We should have said no." 621 00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:53,806 Everyone we bump into has all these regrets. 622 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,743 I mean, glow-in-the-dark ping-pong lady. 623 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,478 Scabby brows. 624 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,247 (Julie) Space camp wheelchair. 625 00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:01,748 What's "space camp wheelchair"? 626 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:03,283 Is that in your packet? Chris will love that. 627 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,084 Everyone we've spoken to in the past 24 hours 628 00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:06,553 should have said no when they said yes. 629 00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,821 And now it's time for us to learn 630 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,190 from their mistakes. 631 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:11,758 That's right. 632 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,493 And you're gonna be the first person we say no to. 633 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:14,527 I mean, could you imagine working with this guy? 634 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,095 Is this some kind of bit? 635 00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:17,230 And whether or not I'm pregnant, 636 00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:18,831 I am getting an abortion today. 637 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,501 I am terminating this opportunity 638 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,236 before it gets any bigger. 639 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,271 All right, cool. 640 00:18:24,371 --> 00:18:25,872 Well, I got a meeting, so... 641 00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:27,106 Oh, you have a meeting? 642 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,775 Where? In 1968? 643 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,543 Before feminism was invented. 644 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,579 And you you're think or, like, punk rock why? 645 00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,814 Because you DVR Anthony Bourdain? 646 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:36,349 You're probably one of those guys that thinks 647 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,850 that John Lennon was edgier than Yoko. 648 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,287 Yoko Ono was the best thing 649 00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:41,788 that ever happened to John Lennon. 650 00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,856 The Beatles were holding Yoko Ono back. 651 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,792 The only reason I wish Jim Morrison 652 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,394 was still alive today 653 00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:48,528 is just to see how fat he could have gotten. 654 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,197 Oh, my God. 655 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,199 Jim Morrison would have had a field day 656 00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,133 at a Dairy Queen. 657 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:57,136 I mean, can you imagine Jim Morrison around a Blizzard? 658 00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,372 Holy shit. The Blizzard King. 659 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,374 [laughs] 660 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,575 (Adam) All right. 661 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,611 Blizzard King is fucking funny, though. 662 00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:08,448 Stephanie, will you bring me that black guy's packet, please. 663 00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:11,818 [driving punk rock music] 664 00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:14,887 (Julie) That was intensely satisfying. 665 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,156 We can saw no to things we don't want to do. 666 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,425 Yeah, and if Richard freaks out 667 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,260 about how we treated Adam, 668 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,895 I will remind him he used to be a penis puppeteer. 669 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:27,267 Billy, I need you to leave the bathroom. 670 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,435 - Why? - Please. Right now. 671 00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:29,836 - Okay. - Really, really. 672 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,170 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 673 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:32,205 - Okay. - All right, bye. 674 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,540 All right. 675 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,308 I'm not pregnant! 676 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,444 I love my period! 677 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:40,447 These pipes are clean! 678 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,449 [cell phone buzzing] - Okay, congratulations. 679 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:45,218 Oh, Julie. It's Richard. 680 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:46,619 Hey. 681 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,455 So you're not mad at us 682 00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:50,323 for turning down the job? 683 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,459 No, that guy is supposed to be a real asshole. 684 00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:53,860 I just think it's great to have clients 685 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,495 who know what they don't want. 686 00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,664 Ca-ca-ca-clients? 687 00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,932 Whoa. 688 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,901 I just wish when I was at your age 689 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,237 I'd said no to an opportunity that my mate presented me with. 690 00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,538 Um, Richard, 691 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,374 I think I know what performance opportunity 692 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,208 you're talking about. 693 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,344 We've seen the submarine sandwich. 694 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,680 Well, youthful indiscretion, perhaps, 695 00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:16,215 it lasted, like, a decade. 696 00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:17,350 You're a grown man who put your penis 697 00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:19,218 into the shape of a koala. 698 00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:20,219 (Richard) Okay, okay. 699 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,255 Even later; it's out. 700 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,290 Well, you've already conquered the world 701 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,625 of magazines I see. 702 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:26,959 (Julie) What are you talking about? 703 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:27,960 (Richard) These columns are amazing. 704 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,596 What? 705 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,398 Your columns in here, they're fantastic. 706 00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,899 We're columnists. 707 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,701 Page 484, 485. 708 00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,403 "We Should Be Allowed to Have Cookies for Breakfast" 709 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,537 by Julie Kessler. 710 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:38,971 Billy, you're in here too. 711 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,374 Yes, I submitted a column to HuffPo. 712 00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:42,909 - I totally forgot. - Me too. 713 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,477 I didn't know that they published it. 714 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,645 Oh, my God. 715 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,314 "Why I Hate Other Gay Men" 716 00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,282 by Billy Epstein. 717 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:50,383 It holds up. 718 00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:52,352 We're in a magazine! 719 00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:53,386 Yes! 720 00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:55,254 You guys are on fire. 721 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,990 Richard, now that we're your new favorite clients, 722 00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,726 can you please do us a favor 723 00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:03,463 and show us just one dick trick, please? 724 00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:04,531 Please, please, please! 725 00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,933 No, Julie! Julie! 726 00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:09,035 Yes, we're gonna take you on a safari 727 00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:11,037 on the Australian outback. 728 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,605 Here we go. All right. 729 00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:14,006 All right. 730 00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:15,308 Guess what kind of critter this is. 731 00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:16,309 (both) Oh, um... 732 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:17,477 Um... Um... 733 00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:19,045 It's a wombat. It's a wombat. 734 00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:20,547 Nicole Kidman. 735 00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:21,548 It's a kangaroo. 736 00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:22,649 It's a kangaroo. 737 00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:25,352 I can beat up a kangaroo. 738 00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:27,654 * Thought it'd be easy 739 00:21:27,754 --> 00:21:30,423 * Thought they didn't know 740 00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:35,495 * You thought it was the only way to go * 741 00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:38,297 * Another way out 742 00:21:38,398 --> 00:21:40,567 * Found on the way home 743 00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:42,068 * Thought you were living fast 744 00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:44,671 * But you were living slow 745 00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:52,712 *