[whistle blows]
[men grunting]
- Ugh, I can’t believe Arthur made me go to a high school gym
to watch NPR play PBS in a game of sports ball.
[men grunting]
- Oh, God!
- Spread it out, guys! Spread it out!
Let’s do this.
- This is bringing back memories of my high school experience.
I used to hear the fags were giving hand jobs
under the bleachers, and I was like, "Ugh,"
and then I’d go wait there after school every day.
- Let’s do this! - Good. Bring it on.
- Sorry.
[whistle blows] - Foul!
Too slow to be considered running.
- Oh, for Pete’s sake.
- PBS, you’re gonna lose this game
like you lost "Sesame Street."
Suck this American dick.
- Bring it on. Bring it on.
- I will. I shall.
BILLY: Maybe this one. "Catalog-a-holic.
How hoarding catalogs eventually brought me to AA."
- Ooh, and that’s a one-woman show?
- It’s in the cabaret section.
- I think we can find worse.
- It’s gonna be hard to top last year’s lady ventriloquist
singing about her abortions
in the style of Gilbert and Sullivan.
- Those were wordy abortions.
- Ooh, looks like DeNeil Tinder
is making a little visit to New York.
- I have been hearing about DeNeil Tinder for a month.
Are you two ever gonna meet?
- Are you out of your mind?
I’ve got DeNeil Tinder, Allen Grindr, Max Scruff.
All these app guys I know who know so much about me
will be staying in my phone, thank you.
- Arthur!
- Nice D, Chester.
- Sorry. - Listen to this.
It sounds horrible.
"Searching for My Jake Ryan:
"How My 16-Year-Old Boyfriend Ruined My Life.
A Journey in Song."
- That’s the worst cabaret show in Manhattan.
- Now we have plans for the night before my birthday.
- I love our tradition of celebrating the night before.
- Yeah, ’cause the actual day always shits the bed.
- What was the worst birthday you ever had?
- That’s like asking me
which Bill Lawrence show do I find most contrived.
It’s a tie for last.
Honestly, at this point, the only thing my mother
hasn’t done to ruin my birthday is actually forget it,
like in "Sixteen Candles."
- There’s still time. - Mm.
- Go for it, Arthur. - He’s gonna--
- Gah!
[whistle blows]
[buzzer sounds]
- You scored the winning... goal!
- Home run! - Touchdown!
Touchdown! We won!
[all cheering]
- Let me guess, room temp Chamomile?
- Oh, yeah. You know they save the Earl Grey
for the championship.
[all cheering]
- Are you all turned on watching your boyfriend score
the winning point? - Oh, yeah.
From the waist down, I’m a friggin’ lake.
[driving punk music]
♪ ♪
- Nice trophy, bro! - Oh, thank you, stranger.
- Hey, do you guys want to get some dinner?
I think Giuliana Rancic’s new restaurant is nearby.
They serve ice, water, steam, and rain.
- Oh, my God. I wish.
I have to go home and recap "T. I. & Tiny: A Family Affair,"
although I might end up just splitting the difference
and putting my head in the oven.
- [chuckles]
- Why not try DeNeil Tinder?
- He’s still in Atlanta, which I know
because we text each other every single night,
even though we’ve never met.
- Right now you have two groups of guys in your life.
Men who you know intimately from your phone,
and guys that you have anonymous sex with.
- Yes. - So what I am pitching is
maybe there’s an overlapping part
of the Venn diagram we can explore.
- I guess DeNeil Tinder isn’t in New York a lot,
so even if we meet and it is a disaster,
he won’t be hanging around a long time
to remind me it’s a disaster,
the way you sometimes still see posters
for that movie "Burnt."
- Exactly, so you have nothing to lose.
What if it actually works out?
And promise me, when it does,
you’ll never take him for granted.
- Duct Tape, men I’ve never met are showing camaraderie!
- Arthur, please.
The soul mates are talking.
- Why didn’t "Burnt" work?
- I have no idea. - We’ve never figured that out.
- I can’t think of a single reason.
That’s the problem.
- Remember, it’s your birthday lunch,
so you can have dessert,
but let’s get rid of the bread basket
to even it out. There you go.
We don’t want that. Thank you.
- Why do we have to go to your country club
for my birthday lunch?
Now all of your friends are gonna stop by
and schmooze you and ignore me.
- Okay, you know what I want to hear?
One thing that you are grateful for.
- I’m grateful it’s not my 11th birthday dinner.
Remember when you abandoned me at that restaurant?
- This again.
Julie, it was, what, 25 years ago?
Come on. Move on. Get over it.
- Nothing you just said is an apology
or even an acknowledgement of how bad you made me feel.
I mean, you left me alone in a restaurant!
- I did not get far before I came back to get you.
- How was I supposed to know that?
I thought you’d left forever.
- Well, I hadn’t and I’m still here.
Look who’s here. Fred and Helen. Hello.
- Hello! - Marilyn, how are you?
- To what do we owe the pleasure?
- I’m celebrating the 36th anniversary
of the day I survived 2 1/2 days of excruciating labor.
- You two should come by the spa later.
I’ll give you a mother-daughter birthday special.
My treat.
- Well, that is so generous of you!
Mr. Harris owns the spa in Tribeca.
- Thank you very much.
- You’re quite welcome. - Many happy returns.
- Happy birthday. - Thanks.
- "And thank you, Mom,
"if you hadn’t been kind enough to ask me to the club,
we wouldn’t have a spa day."
- I hate it when you put words in my mouth, okay?
I would never say that. - No, of course you wouldn’t,
because it would kill you to give me a compliment.
- Well, I would, but you’re so busy
giving them to yourself all the time.
- Okay, because somebody has to worry about my feelings.
- What about my feelings?
You never take responsibility for how you affect them!
- Oh, if this about goddamn Benihana again--
- It is about goddamn Benihana again.
- Oh, stop it, Julie.
- And it’s about my bat mitzvah...
- Oh, please. - The theme of which was "Moms,"
on your insistence.
- You chose that theme yourself. - I did not.
- And you got to sit at the Peg Bundy table!
- I thought it was Kate Pierson from the B-52s!
- Excuse me, sir.
You know, I changed my mind about the bread.
[laughter]
- Billy, don’t take off your coat.
You have more deliveries. - No, that’s not fair.
How come Matthew never has to make a delivery?
- Oh, "Boo-hoo.
"I was in ’The Seagull’ at Northwestern.
Now I deliver cheeseburgers."
Suck it up, sideburns!
- But I’m finally meeting that guy from Tinder tonight.
I can’t be late.
How come this place can’t be more like "Ratatouille"?
- We all got troubles.
My favorite piano key scarf,
ruined by my dry cleaner.
- You make me want to forgive Eddie Murphy
for everything he’s ever said.
- Speak of the devil.
Eddie, I told you I’m not speaking to you again
until you pay me that thousand bucks you owe me.
- Wait, are you the one from the story?
- No, the one died under mysterious circumstances,
God rest her soul.
No, I’m the asshole that sold him a flat screen TV
he still hasn’t paid for.
- I guess it’s easier to accept a free spa day
than it is to give your mother a compliment.
- Can we not talk, please?
- I am so sorry,
but it’s gonna be a little while longer.
Chloeë Sevigny rented out all the treatment rooms
and is taking longer than expected.
- Why does she need all the rooms?
- Oh, she’s treating the whole cast
of "American Horror Story: Hotel" to a wrap gift.
It’s for their PTSD.
- Is Gaga here? - Oh, I’m afraid not.
She was supposed to be on tour with Tony Bennett,
but she’s being detained in China for elder abuse.
Can I bring you some complimentary champagne
while you wait?
- Yes.
[laughs] Oh, my.
What’s the average IQ
of a woman who reads these things?
- Oy! Me and me mom need more champers!
- Look at this. "Dear advice lady.
"I’ve never looked at my own vagina.
"Should I squat over a hand mirror
or hire a caricature artist?"
- A caricature artist.
That way you can count all the "NINAs."
[both laughing]
- Gaga!
BILLY: DeNeil Tinder, at long last.
DENEIL: Billy Tinder. [both laughing]
So, huh.
- This apartment is huge. - Yes.
- Your sister must be doing well.
- Oh, she’s doing really well for herself.
- You know what’s strange is that, you know,
normally on a first date, you could just make
this, like, meaningless bullshit small talk,
but you know me too well now
’cause we’ve been texting forever,
so you know that I don’t give a shit
how your flight was, and I don’t give a shit
what the weather’s like in Atlanta.
- Yeah, and you know me well enough
to know that my whole homo-thug routine
for quick sex is bullshit.
- Right. So, no small talk.
What do we do?
- Well, if we didn’t know each other so well,
what would we do?
- Sex with a guy you really know, not so bad.
- Yeah.
Who knew?
- Certainly not David Duchovny.
- Can I offer you something to drink?
- No. I think I’m fine.
God, your sister has a beautiful place.
- Yeah. She and her husband have their own business.
It’s a café.
- Oh, my God.
- [laughs] She’s all alone. - I can’t believe--
- Oh, God-- Oh, God!
[panting]
- Denise is his sister?
Holy shit! [laughs]
- I know.
It’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened!
And of course the one time
I try combining sex and intimacy,
I end up shitting where I eat.
Eating where I fuck? Fucking where I shit?
- Dealer’s choice.
What did she say?
- Oh, it was also so weird.
She was nice, and I was confused,
DeNeil was confused, and then she ended up
inviting me to a family dinner tomorrow.
- Do you want me to call and say your dad died again?
- [laughing] No! I don’t know what to do.
I can’t just dump him
because Denise hates me enough as it is,
and I can’t ghost him, though I usually would,
because DeNeil knows me well enough to know
that’s what I do when I feel overwhelmed.
- Is there any universe in which you’d consider
just being yourself?
- Are you insane?
No. I can’t be myself.
I don’t know how to be with a guy
and try to connect with his family.
I don’t know how to do that.
- What if you Sharon Stone it?
- Sharon Stoning it, yes!
- Remember what she said,
"If you’re having a hard time acting an emotion,
just make the facial expression and the emotion will follow."
- There’s a reason she’s in Mensa.
- She was never in Mensa. - I know,
but she said she was in Mensa,
so she should be in Mensa. - I love her.
- I’ll go in there and make my face look
like I’m enjoying something painful
until I’m actually having a good time.
- I bet that’s how she got through "Basic Instinct 2."
- Me too. All right,
night-before-birthday girl, more importantly,
are you ready for the worst night of theater
since Bruce Willis wore an ear piece in "Misery"
and still forgot all his lines?
- Whoo! Sports.
Mm.
Hey, Fraternity Paddle, you’re back. Good.
Hey, hand me the "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit issue.
I want to use it as a coaster for my new brewski.
- Jesus Christ, Arthur.
Enough. We get it.
You scored a goal or whatever.
That doesn’t mean you can not ask me about my night.
- Hey, I’m watching the game. I’m a man.
- You’re not acting like a man.
You’re acting like a bro, okay,
and if I wanted to be with a bro,
I would have blown Doug Ellin at the bathroom at the Standard
the night Billy and I crashed that "Entourage" party.
- Quit riding me, woman!
I’m going into my man-cave.
Ahh.
[cheering on TV]
- I don’t understand. Are you mad at me?
Why am I doing deliveries? Why isn’t Billy?
- Because Billy is joining DeNeil and I
for our family dinner with my aunt tonight.
- Wait, so Billy is meeting Aunt Sam before I get to?
What’s happening?
Okay, down’s up, cats are dogs,
what, Patti LuPone suddenly doesn’t hate Bernadette Peters?
- Hey! I assure you,
Patti still really fucking hates Bernadette Peters.
There’s a reason for this dinner, okay?
My aunts are bitches. They hate everybody.
They’ll tear Billy to shreds.
Then Billy will dump DeNeil, and that way
my brother won’t hate me, ’cause I’m not the bad guy.
My aunts are the bad guy!
- Oh, Mama, you are as smart as Sharon Stone.
[laughs]
[children yelling]
Hey, let go!
Hey! Oh, my God!
Let go! Let go!
[sobs]
What’s happening? What’s happening?
[sobs]
- So that’s when Arthur was like, "Oh, my.
Uh, hold it right there, Hockey Puck."
- He did not. - He fucking did.
[both laughing]
Spit it out, Mom!
- I love you.
- Really? - Sort of.
[both laughing]
- All right, folks.
It’s 11:00 p. m., and you know what that means.
Time for karaoke!
- Ohh. - Boo!
- I swear, New York is becoming the worst suburb, you know?
- I hate--I hate it.
[B-52’s’ "Love Shack" playing]
♪ If you see a faded sign ♪
♪ at the side of the road ♪
♪ that says 15 miles to the-- ♪
- ♪ Love shack! ♪
- ♪ Love shack, baby you’re a love shack ♪
♪ Oh, love shack! ♪
You’ve been wonderful.
So we’re just gonna bring it down just a little bit.
- Excuse me. You have been up there forever.
- Oh, I’m sorry. I’m--let me guess.
You guys are from Tisch?
You musical theater students from NYU?
- Yeah. - We took a vote,
and nobody likes you.
- You’re gonna do the thing at karaoke
where you pretend to be worse singers than you are,
and you use less vibrato in your voice?
’Cause I invented that trick!
- All right, let’s go.
We’ll be back next week with some more.
You know who she reminds me of?
- Kathleen Marcovici. Remember her?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that bitch mother,
Hannah? - God, I hated her,
mouthing off to me at every PTA meeting.
- Yeah. - Bitch.
- Let’s take an Uber to their place
and fuck with them. - Your treat!
[laughs] Oh.
- Actually, Auntie Frankie, we met on Tinder,
so we’ve been texting for months.
It was just a weird coincidence--
- Show of hands. Who’s bored with this story?
- You’re right. This story sucks.
I feel like I was on a Tyler Perry show on OWN.
[laughter]
- [whispering] What the fuck are you doing?
- [whispering] He seems sweet. - He’s Satan!
- May I please have some more wine?
- Funny and polite.
He says may, not can,
because he knows what words mean.
Aren’t they cute together?
Go on, hold hands.
We don’t mind if you canoodle at the table.
[giggles] - Love is love.
Go on, kiss. [laughs]
all: Ooh! [both laughing]
- I don’t care what Dr. Ben Carson says.
I like when nice men kiss.
- DeNeil, why don’t you go get the dessert?
And Billy, go with him.
- Everybody loves me.
- What the hell are you doing?
You two hate everyone!
You wouldn’t even let me watch Mr. Rogers growing up
because you said only peeping toms wore cardigans.
- I stand by that!
- Do you think that I invited Billy to a family dinner
so he can feel like he’s part of this family?
Why do you refuse to hate the one person
I fucking begged you two to hate?
I begged ya! I begged ya!
- He’s sweet and charming.
- Yeah, and maybe Nate can learn a thing or two.
- I swear to God-- - What the hell did I do?
- I can’t believe how much they like you.
- I know. I can’t believe how much I like this.
Middle aged African-American women are my demo.
- And you’re comfortable? - Yeah, it’s weird.
You know, whenever I eat pie, it’s usually alone,
standing over the sink, but this feels very... familial.
Your aunts are so nice.
My family dinners are not like that.
I’m sorry. I’m never this open.
You know, I haven’t even done poppers.
Unless Auntie Frankie put some in the ham.
It’s weird, you know? It’s, like,
do you know that scene in "When Harry Met Sally"
when Meg Ryan, like, almost starts to cry
’cause she talks about the little kid
pointing at a family and saying, "I spy a family"?
I’m not Meg Ryan. I’m Sharon Stone, you know?
- I heard she’s in Mensa.
MARILYN: Fucking Marcovicis.
Hannah used to lie in that hammock all day long
drinking Crystal Light and gin.
- What a whore. I hate them.
- Strike the match away from you.
- I know how to light poop, mother!
- Oh, yeah? - Get ready to--
ring the doorbell. Get ready.
Get ready. Get ready.
- Go! Go, go, go! Go!
- Ring the doorbell! Ring the doorbell!
[doorbell ringing] Ahh!
[both giggling]
- [gasps]
- Oh! - [laughs]
- Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
[both laughing]
- Why did you do this to me?
- Wait, are you Hannah Marcovici?
- No!
The Marcovicis moved away after Brian Williams got fired.
My name is Willa Kaplan!
I’m a retired schoolteacher, and I’m upset!
- Let’s go. Quick, quick.
- At least it was fun to light poop.
She probably deserved it some way anyway.
[both laughing]
Oh, happy birthday, sweetheart.
I love you.
- Happy 36th anniversary of your labor.
You can be a fun mom.
- Did you just give me a compliment?
- Yes, and it was a good one. [laughs]
- Oh, Julie.
I’m sorry for all the past birthdays
you had that weren’t perfect.
Let’s have a do-over.
- Oh, that’s silly. - Yes.
- There’s no do-overs. - Let’s go back
to that restaurant, that terrible restaurant
where they cook food in front of you,
and this time I won’t leave.
- Okay. It’s a deal.
- Come on. - Ohh.
- Let’s find an Irish neighborhood,
and we’ll have a nightcap!
- Oh, my God.
Billy, where did you even find this?
- I found this lunatic on Etsy
who will literally draw anyone’s face
on a celebrity body, so this is you and me
as Michael Stipe and Kate Pierson
in the "Shiny Happy People" video.
- I don’t know what to say.
- Happy Birthday, Jules.
- Well, stray dogs ate all the food again,
and they bit my neck and hands!
I’m stuck doing deliveries just because you’re dating DeNeil?
This isn’t fair!
- How was dinner with DeNeil?
I didn’t get a single text from you
that said "Get me out of here"
or "Call in a bomb threat."
- I mean, it started off awkward,
but I forced myself to smile,
and I wound up getting emotional over pie,
and then it was great.
I think there’s something to the Sharon Stoning thing.
- And you still like DeNeil? - Yeah.
Like, a lot, I think, even after a family dinner.
- That’s huge. Family can be
a real clit-flattener. - Hm.
Hey, didn’t E. E. Cummings say that?
- Yes. So when do I get to meet DeNeil?
Oh, why don’t you invite him to my birthday dinner tonight?
- Oh, what time? - [gasps] Quarter past
"you’re not invited." - [groans]
You are everything. [laughs]
- Does anybody else even work here?
- Hey, bud, I’d like to order for the birthday girl.
She’s my old lady. - Arthur, I swear to God.
- Chickens be clucking, am I right?
- I’d like to propose a toast.
The year was 1979.
My haircut was awful.
"Bangs," I told the stylist.
"Let’s try bangs," but no.
He was dead-set on a center part.
- Sorry to interrupt, Mom. I have to go to the bathroom.
- Pull your hair back when you vomit.
You look so pretty tonight.
So DeNeil, DeNeil,
who do you think looks good with a center part?
Nobody!
- Okay, we’d like to invite a guest
behind the grill to learn a trick.
Who’s the most athletic person in the group?
- Uh, that’d be me.
- All right, come around.
So, we cut the meat, and we throw the meat.
Think you can handle it?
- Yeah, I think I can handle it.
- Billy, there you are!
- Matthew, I think Julie made it pretty clear
you weren’t invited here.
- Shh. DeNeil, Billy doesn’t like you.
It took me a few hours,
but I finally realized what Sharon Stoning means.
Okay? He’s pretending to have emotions for you.
- Is that true? - No!
I mean, it was, but now I really like you,
and, you know, I’m so used to separating things,
and-- - Billy, I got to be honest.
When you were on Tinder, you were a lot less sappy.
- What? - You’re kind of emotional.
I don’t know, and it’s kind of a turn-off.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
No, no, no, no. I’m a block of ice.
I checked Deadline at my dad’s funeral.
When Bing Bong died, I nodded off.
I Shazamed songs during "Still Alice."
- Look, this is way too much.
You’re way too attached.
We’ve only known each other for a couple of days.
I’m going back to Atlanta. - No! Wait--
- When I tell Denise that you two are over,
you’re gonna go back to doing deliveries
for the rest of your non-equity life.
- Get the fuck out of here, Matthew!
- Oh!
- Who can refill my Buddha-tini?
- Look, there is that maniac
who lit the dog shit on fire outside our house.
- Excuse me? - Do you know
I got dog shit all over our hammock
chasing after you and then falling
into the hammock feet-first?
- You know what? I left my lights on.
I’ll be right back.
- Somebody trip her before she gets to the door.
- You got great knife skills.
- Yeah, well, years of practice.
And sometimes, all you need is talent.
Ah! I’m blind! - Oh!
- [screams] - Ah! Hey!
Can we get a medic, please? Some first aid?
- I grilled my arms!
And without a marinade!
- [sighs]
Happy birthday, Julie.
You’re already 36, and you just threw up in a public restroom.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me. I’m sorry.
Are you Kate Pierson from the B-52s?
- Yeah. - Oh, my God, Kate Pierson,
I can’t believe I’m meeting you on my birthday.
Do you have any idea what your work has meant to me?
- No, but I have a sneaking suspicion I’m about to find out.
- When I was 11 years old,
I didn’t know who I wanted to be one day,
and then I saw you and Cindy in beehives and go-go boots,
harmonizing next to openly gay Southern men,
and I just realized this is who I want to be one day.
You gave me someone to aspire to,
and I didn’t feel so alone anymore.
- Well, being alone isn’t so bad.
That’s why sometimes people have to duck into the bathroom
just to get a couple of minutes to be by themselves.
You know what I mean?
Anyway, happy birthday.
- Thanks.
I got to say, you know, it’s real human of you
to listen to all my bullshit.
- Well, now can I have a little bit of privacy?
- Oh, my God. Yes.
Oh, please. Of course.
I’m sorry, Kate Pierson.
Thank you. Enjoy. Uh, enjoy.
- Thank you. - Touched--I just touched you.
I’m sorry. I touched your shoulder.
Okay, good-bye. I love you. Thank you.
- Jesus Christ.
[The Thompson Twins’ "If You Were Here"]
♪ ♪
- I can’t believe it.
I’ve been fucking abandoned on my birthday--
again.
♪ ♪
- ♪ If you were here ♪
- Thanks for coming back.
- I just wish I’d stayed.
Chasing after DeNeil was so stupid.
- Why? ’Cause he’s in great shape, huh?
- That, and I also think
when it comes to the guys in my life,
I’m not ready to stop compartmentalizing.
The fact is,
when Homeland Security shut down Rentboy,
all of our lives fell to shit.
- I think the secret is just keeping
your expectations really low.
That way you can’t be disappointed,
and a birthday is just another shitty day
but with cake that you have to share.
- Are you really gonna cut out alcohol?
- Oh, yeah. No, I’m never letting
my guard down around Marilyn again.
- Happy birthday, Jules.
Make a wish.
- It already came true.
- It did? - No, I’m joking.
I’m a very unhappy person.
But I’m glad you’re here.
- Me too.
GAY TEENAGER: [coughs]
Hi. Sorry. - Hello?
- Sorry, I--I’m just hanging out
in the bleachers here after school.
I heard a rumor that if you wait long enough--
- Yeah, go home, kid.
There are hand jobs,
but you have to wait until college.
MAN: ♪ Oh ♪
♪ Thought it’d be easy ♪
♪ Thought they didn’t know ♪
♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Another way out ♪
♪ Found on the way home ♪
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
♪ But you were living slow ♪
♪ ♪