1 00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:03,010 [whistle blows] 2 00:00:03,010 --> 00:00:04,610 [men grunting] 3 00:00:04,610 --> 00:00:07,810 - Ugh, I can’t believe Arthur made me go to a high school gym 4 00:00:07,810 --> 00:00:11,410 to watch NPR play PBS in a game of sports ball. 5 00:00:11,410 --> 00:00:13,180 [men grunting] 6 00:00:13,176 --> 00:00:14,706 - Oh, God! 7 00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,610 - Spread it out, guys! Spread it out! 8 00:00:16,610 --> 00:00:18,840 Let’s do this. 9 00:00:18,843 --> 00:00:21,163 - This is bringing back memories of my high school experience. 10 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:23,060 I used to hear the fags were giving hand jobs 11 00:00:23,062 --> 00:00:24,862 under the bleachers, and I was like, "Ugh," 12 00:00:24,863 --> 00:00:26,803 and then I’d go wait there after school every day. 13 00:00:26,798 --> 00:00:29,528 - Let’s do this! - Good. Bring it on. 14 00:00:29,534 --> 00:00:30,534 - Sorry. 15 00:00:30,534 --> 00:00:31,744 [whistle blows] - Foul! 16 00:00:31,735 --> 00:00:33,335 Too slow to be considered running. 17 00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:34,697 - Oh, for Pete’s sake. 18 00:00:34,704 --> 00:00:35,944 - PBS, you’re gonna lose this game 19 00:00:35,939 --> 00:00:37,769 like you lost "Sesame Street." 20 00:00:37,773 --> 00:00:39,513 Suck this American dick. 21 00:00:39,508 --> 00:00:41,178 - Bring it on. Bring it on. 22 00:00:41,176 --> 00:00:42,506 - I will. I shall. 23 00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,050 BILLY: Maybe this one. "Catalog-a-holic. 24 00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:46,205 How hoarding catalogs eventually brought me to AA." 25 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,753 - Ooh, and that’s a one-woman show? 26 00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,248 - It’s in the cabaret section. 27 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,020 - I think we can find worse. 28 00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:52,487 - It’s gonna be hard to top last year’s lady ventriloquist 29 00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:53,745 singing about her abortions 30 00:00:53,753 --> 00:00:55,223 in the style of Gilbert and Sullivan. 31 00:00:55,220 --> 00:00:57,590 - Those were wordy abortions. 32 00:00:57,589 --> 00:00:59,919 - Ooh, looks like DeNeil Tinder 33 00:00:59,924 --> 00:01:01,464 is making a little visit to New York. 34 00:01:01,459 --> 00:01:04,199 - I have been hearing about DeNeil Tinder for a month. 35 00:01:04,195 --> 00:01:05,625 Are you two ever gonna meet? 36 00:01:05,629 --> 00:01:07,129 - Are you out of your mind? 37 00:01:07,130 --> 00:01:10,070 I’ve got DeNeil Tinder, Allen Grindr, Max Scruff. 38 00:01:10,066 --> 00:01:12,626 All these app guys I know who know so much about me 39 00:01:12,634 --> 00:01:14,944 will be staying in my phone, thank you. 40 00:01:14,936 --> 00:01:16,436 - Arthur! 41 00:01:16,437 --> 00:01:17,567 - Nice D, Chester. 42 00:01:17,572 --> 00:01:19,372 - Sorry. - Listen to this. 43 00:01:19,374 --> 00:01:20,784 It sounds horrible. 44 00:01:20,775 --> 00:01:22,675 "Searching for My Jake Ryan: 45 00:01:22,676 --> 00:01:25,606 "How My 16-Year-Old Boyfriend Ruined My Life. 46 00:01:25,612 --> 00:01:27,252 A Journey in Song." 47 00:01:27,246 --> 00:01:29,416 - That’s the worst cabaret show in Manhattan. 48 00:01:29,415 --> 00:01:31,945 - Now we have plans for the night before my birthday. 49 00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:34,450 - I love our tradition of celebrating the night before. 50 00:01:34,452 --> 00:01:36,722 - Yeah, ’cause the actual day always shits the bed. 51 00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:38,361 - What was the worst birthday you ever had? 52 00:01:38,355 --> 00:01:39,855 - That’s like asking me 53 00:01:39,856 --> 00:01:42,226 which Bill Lawrence show do I find most contrived. 54 00:01:42,225 --> 00:01:43,555 It’s a tie for last. 55 00:01:43,559 --> 00:01:45,159 Honestly, at this point, the only thing my mother 56 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,830 hasn’t done to ruin my birthday is actually forget it, 57 00:01:47,830 --> 00:01:49,060 like in "Sixteen Candles." 58 00:01:49,064 --> 00:01:50,604 - There’s still time. - Mm. 59 00:01:50,599 --> 00:01:52,069 - Go for it, Arthur. - He’s gonna-- 60 00:01:52,066 --> 00:01:53,266 - Gah! 61 00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:54,667 [whistle blows] 62 00:01:54,668 --> 00:01:56,298 [buzzer sounds] 63 00:01:56,303 --> 00:01:58,773 - You scored the winning... goal! 64 00:01:58,771 --> 00:02:00,211 - Home run! - Touchdown! 65 00:02:00,206 --> 00:02:02,136 Touchdown! We won! 66 00:02:02,141 --> 00:02:05,011 [all cheering] 67 00:02:05,010 --> 00:02:06,780 - Let me guess, room temp Chamomile? 68 00:02:06,778 --> 00:02:08,748 - Oh, yeah. You know they save the Earl Grey 69 00:02:08,746 --> 00:02:10,106 for the championship. 70 00:02:10,114 --> 00:02:12,354 [all cheering] 71 00:02:12,349 --> 00:02:14,519 - Are you all turned on watching your boyfriend score 72 00:02:14,518 --> 00:02:16,388 the winning point? - Oh, yeah. 73 00:02:16,385 --> 00:02:20,185 From the waist down, I’m a friggin’ lake. 74 00:02:20,188 --> 00:02:23,188 [driving punk music] 75 00:02:23,191 --> 00:02:24,731 ♪ ♪ 76 00:02:24,726 --> 00:02:27,326 - Nice trophy, bro! - Oh, thank you, stranger. 77 00:02:27,328 --> 00:02:29,128 - Hey, do you guys want to get some dinner? 78 00:02:29,130 --> 00:02:31,100 I think Giuliana Rancic’s new restaurant is nearby. 79 00:02:31,097 --> 00:02:33,367 They serve ice, water, steam, and rain. 80 00:02:33,366 --> 00:02:34,966 - Oh, my God. I wish. 81 00:02:34,967 --> 00:02:37,967 I have to go home and recap "T. I. & Tiny: A Family Affair," 82 00:02:37,970 --> 00:02:39,670 although I might end up just splitting the difference 83 00:02:39,671 --> 00:02:41,011 and putting my head in the oven. 84 00:02:41,005 --> 00:02:41,935 - [chuckles] 85 00:02:41,940 --> 00:02:43,310 - Why not try DeNeil Tinder? 86 00:02:43,307 --> 00:02:45,477 - He’s still in Atlanta, which I know 87 00:02:45,476 --> 00:02:47,646 because we text each other every single night, 88 00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:49,145 even though we’ve never met. 89 00:02:49,146 --> 00:02:51,976 - Right now you have two groups of guys in your life. 90 00:02:51,981 --> 00:02:54,351 Men who you know intimately from your phone, 91 00:02:54,350 --> 00:02:56,490 and guys that you have anonymous sex with. 92 00:02:56,485 --> 00:02:58,085 - Yes. - So what I am pitching is 93 00:02:58,086 --> 00:03:00,656 maybe there’s an overlapping part 94 00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:02,855 of the Venn diagram we can explore. 95 00:03:02,857 --> 00:03:05,327 - I guess DeNeil Tinder isn’t in New York a lot, 96 00:03:05,325 --> 00:03:08,785 so even if we meet and it is a disaster, 97 00:03:08,794 --> 00:03:10,204 he won’t be hanging around a long time 98 00:03:10,196 --> 00:03:11,826 to remind me it’s a disaster, 99 00:03:11,830 --> 00:03:13,270 the way you sometimes still see posters 100 00:03:13,265 --> 00:03:14,365 for that movie "Burnt." 101 00:03:14,366 --> 00:03:16,566 - Exactly, so you have nothing to lose. 102 00:03:16,568 --> 00:03:18,068 What if it actually works out? 103 00:03:18,069 --> 00:03:19,899 And promise me, when it does, 104 00:03:19,903 --> 00:03:21,613 you’ll never take him for granted. 105 00:03:21,605 --> 00:03:24,665 - Duct Tape, men I’ve never met are showing camaraderie! 106 00:03:24,674 --> 00:03:25,684 - Arthur, please. 107 00:03:25,675 --> 00:03:27,535 The soul mates are talking. 108 00:03:27,543 --> 00:03:29,113 - Why didn’t "Burnt" work? 109 00:03:29,111 --> 00:03:30,581 - I have no idea. - We’ve never figured that out. 110 00:03:30,579 --> 00:03:31,579 - I can’t think of a single reason. 111 00:03:31,580 --> 00:03:32,950 That’s the problem. 112 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:36,819 - Remember, it’s your birthday lunch, 113 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,187 so you can have dessert, 114 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:39,485 but let’s get rid of the bread basket 115 00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:40,716 to even it out. There you go. 116 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,090 We don’t want that. Thank you. 117 00:03:42,088 --> 00:03:43,288 - Why do we have to go to your country club 118 00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:44,919 for my birthday lunch? 119 00:03:44,923 --> 00:03:46,093 Now all of your friends are gonna stop by 120 00:03:46,091 --> 00:03:47,861 and schmooze you and ignore me. 121 00:03:47,859 --> 00:03:49,129 - Okay, you know what I want to hear? 122 00:03:49,127 --> 00:03:51,097 One thing that you are grateful for. 123 00:03:51,095 --> 00:03:53,295 - I’m grateful it’s not my 11th birthday dinner. 124 00:03:53,297 --> 00:03:55,397 Remember when you abandoned me at that restaurant? 125 00:03:55,399 --> 00:03:56,629 - This again. 126 00:03:56,633 --> 00:03:58,533 Julie, it was, what, 25 years ago? 127 00:03:58,534 --> 00:04:00,644 Come on. Move on. Get over it. 128 00:04:00,636 --> 00:04:02,296 - Nothing you just said is an apology 129 00:04:02,304 --> 00:04:05,374 or even an acknowledgement of how bad you made me feel. 130 00:04:05,373 --> 00:04:07,883 I mean, you left me alone in a restaurant! 131 00:04:07,875 --> 00:04:10,905 - I did not get far before I came back to get you. 132 00:04:10,911 --> 00:04:12,011 - How was I supposed to know that? 133 00:04:12,012 --> 00:04:13,382 I thought you’d left forever. 134 00:04:13,379 --> 00:04:14,919 - Well, I hadn’t and I’m still here. 135 00:04:14,915 --> 00:04:16,115 Look who’s here. Fred and Helen. Hello. 136 00:04:16,115 --> 00:04:17,345 - Hello! - Marilyn, how are you? 137 00:04:17,349 --> 00:04:19,219 - To what do we owe the pleasure? 138 00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:21,588 - I’m celebrating the 36th anniversary 139 00:04:21,586 --> 00:04:25,756 of the day I survived 2 1/2 days of excruciating labor. 140 00:04:25,756 --> 00:04:27,486 - You two should come by the spa later. 141 00:04:27,491 --> 00:04:29,761 I’ll give you a mother-daughter birthday special. 142 00:04:29,759 --> 00:04:30,959 My treat. 143 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,230 - Well, that is so generous of you! 144 00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:35,298 Mr. Harris owns the spa in Tribeca. 145 00:04:35,297 --> 00:04:36,527 - Thank you very much. 146 00:04:36,532 --> 00:04:37,902 - You’re quite welcome. - Many happy returns. 147 00:04:37,899 --> 00:04:40,299 - Happy birthday. - Thanks. 148 00:04:40,301 --> 00:04:41,701 - "And thank you, Mom, 149 00:04:41,702 --> 00:04:44,102 "if you hadn’t been kind enough to ask me to the club, 150 00:04:44,104 --> 00:04:45,574 we wouldn’t have a spa day." 151 00:04:45,572 --> 00:04:47,342 - I hate it when you put words in my mouth, okay? 152 00:04:47,341 --> 00:04:49,311 I would never say that. - No, of course you wouldn’t, 153 00:04:49,308 --> 00:04:51,038 because it would kill you to give me a compliment. 154 00:04:51,044 --> 00:04:52,284 - Well, I would, but you’re so busy 155 00:04:52,278 --> 00:04:53,978 giving them to yourself all the time. 156 00:04:53,979 --> 00:04:56,609 - Okay, because somebody has to worry about my feelings. 157 00:04:56,614 --> 00:04:58,124 - What about my feelings? 158 00:04:58,115 --> 00:04:59,715 You never take responsibility for how you affect them! 159 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,946 - Oh, if this about goddamn Benihana again-- 160 00:05:01,952 --> 00:05:03,292 - It is about goddamn Benihana again. 161 00:05:03,286 --> 00:05:04,346 - Oh, stop it, Julie. 162 00:05:04,354 --> 00:05:05,994 - And it’s about my bat mitzvah... 163 00:05:05,989 --> 00:05:07,459 - Oh, please. - The theme of which was "Moms," 164 00:05:07,457 --> 00:05:08,787 on your insistence. 165 00:05:08,791 --> 00:05:10,291 - You chose that theme yourself. - I did not. 166 00:05:10,292 --> 00:05:12,992 - And you got to sit at the Peg Bundy table! 167 00:05:12,994 --> 00:05:15,264 - I thought it was Kate Pierson from the B-52s! 168 00:05:15,263 --> 00:05:16,403 - Excuse me, sir. 169 00:05:16,397 --> 00:05:18,427 You know, I changed my mind about the bread. 170 00:05:18,431 --> 00:05:19,971 [laughter] 171 00:05:19,967 --> 00:05:21,527 - Billy, don’t take off your coat. 172 00:05:21,534 --> 00:05:23,804 You have more deliveries. - No, that’s not fair. 173 00:05:23,803 --> 00:05:25,573 How come Matthew never has to make a delivery? 174 00:05:25,571 --> 00:05:27,011 - Oh, "Boo-hoo. 175 00:05:27,005 --> 00:05:29,135 "I was in ’The Seagull’ at Northwestern. 176 00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:31,080 Now I deliver cheeseburgers." 177 00:05:31,076 --> 00:05:32,736 Suck it up, sideburns! 178 00:05:32,743 --> 00:05:34,483 - But I’m finally meeting that guy from Tinder tonight. 179 00:05:34,478 --> 00:05:36,008 I can’t be late. 180 00:05:36,013 --> 00:05:38,053 How come this place can’t be more like "Ratatouille"? 181 00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:40,447 - We all got troubles. 182 00:05:40,449 --> 00:05:42,649 My favorite piano key scarf, 183 00:05:42,651 --> 00:05:44,121 ruined by my dry cleaner. 184 00:05:44,119 --> 00:05:45,989 - You make me want to forgive Eddie Murphy 185 00:05:45,988 --> 00:05:47,658 for everything he’s ever said. 186 00:05:47,655 --> 00:05:49,215 - Speak of the devil. 187 00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:50,863 Eddie, I told you I’m not speaking to you again 188 00:05:50,858 --> 00:05:53,328 until you pay me that thousand bucks you owe me. 189 00:05:53,326 --> 00:05:56,156 - Wait, are you the one from the story? 190 00:05:56,162 --> 00:05:59,432 - No, the one died under mysterious circumstances, 191 00:05:59,431 --> 00:06:00,731 God rest her soul. 192 00:06:00,732 --> 00:06:02,572 No, I’m the asshole that sold him a flat screen TV 193 00:06:02,567 --> 00:06:03,997 he still hasn’t paid for. 194 00:06:05,303 --> 00:06:08,373 - I guess it’s easier to accept a free spa day 195 00:06:08,372 --> 00:06:10,772 than it is to give your mother a compliment. 196 00:06:10,773 --> 00:06:12,583 - Can we not talk, please? 197 00:06:12,575 --> 00:06:13,975 - I am so sorry, 198 00:06:13,976 --> 00:06:15,406 but it’s gonna be a little while longer. 199 00:06:15,411 --> 00:06:17,311 Chloeë Sevigny rented out all the treatment rooms 200 00:06:17,313 --> 00:06:19,013 and is taking longer than expected. 201 00:06:19,014 --> 00:06:20,324 - Why does she need all the rooms? 202 00:06:20,315 --> 00:06:21,975 - Oh, she’s treating the whole cast 203 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,952 of "American Horror Story: Hotel" to a wrap gift. 204 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,351 It’s for their PTSD. 205 00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:27,992 - Is Gaga here? - Oh, I’m afraid not. 206 00:06:27,987 --> 00:06:30,057 She was supposed to be on tour with Tony Bennett, 207 00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:32,486 but she’s being detained in China for elder abuse. 208 00:06:32,491 --> 00:06:35,331 Can I bring you some complimentary champagne 209 00:06:35,327 --> 00:06:36,327 while you wait? 210 00:06:36,328 --> 00:06:38,258 - Yes. 211 00:06:40,297 --> 00:06:42,497 [laughs] Oh, my. 212 00:06:42,499 --> 00:06:43,999 What’s the average IQ 213 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,100 of a woman who reads these things? 214 00:06:46,102 --> 00:06:48,942 - Oy! Me and me mom need more champers! 215 00:06:48,938 --> 00:06:51,508 - Look at this. "Dear advice lady. 216 00:06:51,506 --> 00:06:54,076 "I’ve never looked at my own vagina. 217 00:06:54,075 --> 00:06:55,975 "Should I squat over a hand mirror 218 00:06:55,977 --> 00:06:58,577 or hire a caricature artist?" 219 00:06:58,579 --> 00:07:00,109 - A caricature artist. 220 00:07:00,113 --> 00:07:02,653 That way you can count all the "NINAs." 221 00:07:02,649 --> 00:07:05,789 [both laughing] 222 00:07:10,656 --> 00:07:12,086 - Gaga! 223 00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:15,294 BILLY: DeNeil Tinder, at long last. 224 00:07:15,292 --> 00:07:18,562 DENEIL: Billy Tinder. [both laughing] 225 00:07:18,562 --> 00:07:21,062 So, huh. 226 00:07:21,064 --> 00:07:23,234 - This apartment is huge. - Yes. 227 00:07:23,232 --> 00:07:24,932 - Your sister must be doing well. 228 00:07:24,933 --> 00:07:27,003 - Oh, she’s doing really well for herself. 229 00:07:27,002 --> 00:07:28,572 - You know what’s strange is that, you know, 230 00:07:28,570 --> 00:07:30,340 normally on a first date, you could just make 231 00:07:30,337 --> 00:07:32,607 this, like, meaningless bullshit small talk, 232 00:07:32,606 --> 00:07:33,936 but you know me too well now 233 00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:35,240 ’cause we’ve been texting forever, 234 00:07:35,241 --> 00:07:37,181 so you know that I don’t give a shit 235 00:07:37,177 --> 00:07:39,077 how your flight was, and I don’t give a shit 236 00:07:39,078 --> 00:07:40,348 what the weather’s like in Atlanta. 237 00:07:40,345 --> 00:07:41,845 - Yeah, and you know me well enough 238 00:07:41,847 --> 00:07:43,717 to know that my whole homo-thug routine 239 00:07:43,715 --> 00:07:45,015 for quick sex is bullshit. 240 00:07:45,016 --> 00:07:49,416 - Right. So, no small talk. 241 00:07:49,420 --> 00:07:50,720 What do we do? 242 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:52,991 - Well, if we didn’t know each other so well, 243 00:07:52,989 --> 00:07:55,529 what would we do? 244 00:07:55,525 --> 00:07:59,295 - Sex with a guy you really know, not so bad. 245 00:07:59,295 --> 00:08:00,555 - Yeah. 246 00:08:00,562 --> 00:08:02,002 Who knew? 247 00:08:01,997 --> 00:08:03,897 - Certainly not David Duchovny. 248 00:08:03,898 --> 00:08:05,868 - Can I offer you something to drink? 249 00:08:05,866 --> 00:08:09,136 - No. I think I’m fine. 250 00:08:09,135 --> 00:08:11,365 God, your sister has a beautiful place. 251 00:08:11,370 --> 00:08:14,040 - Yeah. She and her husband have their own business. 252 00:08:14,039 --> 00:08:16,409 It’s a café. 253 00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:17,578 - Oh, my God. 254 00:08:19,544 --> 00:08:22,914 - [laughs] She’s all alone. - I can’t believe-- 255 00:08:22,914 --> 00:08:24,854 - Oh, God-- Oh, God! 256 00:08:24,848 --> 00:08:26,078 [panting] 257 00:08:28,851 --> 00:08:30,991 - Denise is his sister? 258 00:08:30,986 --> 00:08:32,346 Holy shit! [laughs] 259 00:08:32,354 --> 00:08:33,664 - I know. 260 00:08:33,655 --> 00:08:35,855 It’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened! 261 00:08:35,857 --> 00:08:37,357 And of course the one time 262 00:08:37,358 --> 00:08:39,088 I try combining sex and intimacy, 263 00:08:39,092 --> 00:08:40,992 I end up shitting where I eat. 264 00:08:40,994 --> 00:08:43,064 Eating where I fuck? Fucking where I shit? 265 00:08:43,063 --> 00:08:44,103 - Dealer’s choice. 266 00:08:44,096 --> 00:08:45,866 What did she say? 267 00:08:45,865 --> 00:08:48,065 - Oh, it was also so weird. 268 00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:51,997 She was nice, and I was confused, 269 00:08:52,003 --> 00:08:53,943 DeNeil was confused, and then she ended up 270 00:08:53,938 --> 00:08:55,608 inviting me to a family dinner tomorrow. 271 00:08:55,606 --> 00:08:57,836 - Do you want me to call and say your dad died again? 272 00:08:57,842 --> 00:09:01,142 - [laughing] No! I don’t know what to do. 273 00:09:01,144 --> 00:09:02,414 I can’t just dump him 274 00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:04,081 because Denise hates me enough as it is, 275 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,110 and I can’t ghost him, though I usually would, 276 00:09:06,114 --> 00:09:07,984 because DeNeil knows me well enough to know 277 00:09:07,983 --> 00:09:09,753 that’s what I do when I feel overwhelmed. 278 00:09:09,751 --> 00:09:11,991 - Is there any universe in which you’d consider 279 00:09:11,986 --> 00:09:13,716 just being yourself? 280 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,820 - Are you insane? 281 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,891 No. I can’t be myself. 282 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,060 I don’t know how to be with a guy 283 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,258 and try to connect with his family. 284 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,059 I don’t know how to do that. 285 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,630 - What if you Sharon Stone it? 286 00:09:23,628 --> 00:09:26,228 - Sharon Stoning it, yes! 287 00:09:26,230 --> 00:09:27,770 - Remember what she said, 288 00:09:27,766 --> 00:09:29,926 "If you’re having a hard time acting an emotion, 289 00:09:29,933 --> 00:09:33,203 just make the facial expression and the emotion will follow." 290 00:09:33,203 --> 00:09:34,473 - There’s a reason she’s in Mensa. 291 00:09:34,471 --> 00:09:36,371 - She was never in Mensa. - I know, 292 00:09:36,372 --> 00:09:38,042 but she said she was in Mensa, 293 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,710 so she should be in Mensa. - I love her. 294 00:09:40,709 --> 00:09:42,309 - I’ll go in there and make my face look 295 00:09:42,310 --> 00:09:43,680 like I’m enjoying something painful 296 00:09:43,678 --> 00:09:45,548 until I’m actually having a good time. 297 00:09:45,546 --> 00:09:47,646 - I bet that’s how she got through "Basic Instinct 2." 298 00:09:47,647 --> 00:09:49,077 - Me too. All right, 299 00:09:49,083 --> 00:09:50,753 night-before-birthday girl, more importantly, 300 00:09:50,750 --> 00:09:52,450 are you ready for the worst night of theater 301 00:09:52,451 --> 00:09:54,821 since Bruce Willis wore an ear piece in "Misery" 302 00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:57,460 and still forgot all his lines? 303 00:09:57,455 --> 00:10:00,555 - Whoo! Sports. 304 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,728 Mm. 305 00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,626 Hey, Fraternity Paddle, you’re back. Good. 306 00:10:03,627 --> 00:10:06,397 Hey, hand me the "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit issue. 307 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,927 I want to use it as a coaster for my new brewski. 308 00:10:08,932 --> 00:10:10,732 - Jesus Christ, Arthur. 309 00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:12,203 Enough. We get it. 310 00:10:12,201 --> 00:10:13,801 You scored a goal or whatever. 311 00:10:13,802 --> 00:10:16,372 That doesn’t mean you can not ask me about my night. 312 00:10:16,371 --> 00:10:19,571 - Hey, I’m watching the game. I’m a man. 313 00:10:19,573 --> 00:10:21,043 - You’re not acting like a man. 314 00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:22,281 You’re acting like a bro, okay, 315 00:10:22,275 --> 00:10:23,905 and if I wanted to be with a bro, 316 00:10:23,911 --> 00:10:25,681 I would have blown Doug Ellin at the bathroom at the Standard 317 00:10:25,678 --> 00:10:28,178 the night Billy and I crashed that "Entourage" party. 318 00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:30,150 - Quit riding me, woman! 319 00:10:30,149 --> 00:10:32,479 I’m going into my man-cave. 320 00:10:32,483 --> 00:10:34,423 Ahh. 321 00:10:39,089 --> 00:10:41,059 [cheering on TV] 322 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,087 - I don’t understand. Are you mad at me? 323 00:10:43,092 --> 00:10:45,262 Why am I doing deliveries? Why isn’t Billy? 324 00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:46,761 - Because Billy is joining DeNeil and I 325 00:10:46,762 --> 00:10:49,332 for our family dinner with my aunt tonight. 326 00:10:49,331 --> 00:10:52,831 - Wait, so Billy is meeting Aunt Sam before I get to? 327 00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:54,044 What’s happening? 328 00:10:54,035 --> 00:10:55,765 Okay, down’s up, cats are dogs, 329 00:10:55,769 --> 00:10:58,369 what, Patti LuPone suddenly doesn’t hate Bernadette Peters? 330 00:10:58,371 --> 00:11:00,841 - Hey! I assure you, 331 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,080 Patti still really fucking hates Bernadette Peters. 332 00:11:04,076 --> 00:11:07,046 There’s a reason for this dinner, okay? 333 00:11:07,045 --> 00:11:09,475 My aunts are bitches. They hate everybody. 334 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,550 They’ll tear Billy to shreds. 335 00:11:11,549 --> 00:11:13,819 Then Billy will dump DeNeil, and that way 336 00:11:13,817 --> 00:11:16,117 my brother won’t hate me, ’cause I’m not the bad guy. 337 00:11:16,118 --> 00:11:18,218 My aunts are the bad guy! 338 00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:22,460 - Oh, Mama, you are as smart as Sharon Stone. 339 00:11:22,458 --> 00:11:24,388 [laughs] 340 00:11:28,863 --> 00:11:30,733 [children yelling] 341 00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:32,200 Hey, let go! 342 00:11:32,198 --> 00:11:33,628 Hey! Oh, my God! 343 00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:35,033 Let go! Let go! 344 00:11:35,034 --> 00:11:36,574 [sobs] 345 00:11:36,569 --> 00:11:39,069 What’s happening? What’s happening? 346 00:11:39,071 --> 00:11:40,411 [sobs] 347 00:11:42,139 --> 00:11:45,039 - So that’s when Arthur was like, "Oh, my. 348 00:11:45,042 --> 00:11:47,242 Uh, hold it right there, Hockey Puck." 349 00:11:47,243 --> 00:11:49,453 - He did not. - He fucking did. 350 00:11:49,445 --> 00:11:50,805 [both laughing] 351 00:11:50,813 --> 00:11:52,753 Spit it out, Mom! 352 00:11:52,748 --> 00:11:54,148 - I love you. 353 00:11:54,149 --> 00:11:56,149 - Really? - Sort of. 354 00:11:56,151 --> 00:11:58,221 [both laughing] 355 00:11:58,219 --> 00:11:59,749 - All right, folks. 356 00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:02,163 It’s 11:00 p. m., and you know what that means. 357 00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,215 Time for karaoke! 358 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,363 - Ohh. - Boo! 359 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:08,598 - I swear, New York is becoming the worst suburb, you know? 360 00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:09,955 - I hate--I hate it. 361 00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:11,062 [B-52’s’ "Love Shack" playing] 362 00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:13,163 ♪ If you see a faded sign ♪ 363 00:12:13,164 --> 00:12:14,804 ♪ at the side of the road ♪ 364 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,070 ♪ that says 15 miles to the-- ♪ 365 00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:20,697 - ♪ Love shack! ♪ 366 00:12:25,774 --> 00:12:29,144 - ♪ Love shack, baby you’re a love shack ♪ 367 00:12:29,144 --> 00:12:30,714 ♪ Oh, love shack! ♪ 368 00:12:35,282 --> 00:12:36,822 You’ve been wonderful. 369 00:12:36,817 --> 00:12:40,117 So we’re just gonna bring it down just a little bit. 370 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,150 - Excuse me. You have been up there forever. 371 00:12:42,154 --> 00:12:44,094 - Oh, I’m sorry. I’m--let me guess. 372 00:12:44,089 --> 00:12:45,389 You guys are from Tisch? 373 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,030 You musical theater students from NYU? 374 00:12:48,026 --> 00:12:50,026 - Yeah. - We took a vote, 375 00:12:50,028 --> 00:12:52,128 and nobody likes you. 376 00:12:52,129 --> 00:12:53,599 - You’re gonna do the thing at karaoke 377 00:12:53,597 --> 00:12:56,127 where you pretend to be worse singers than you are, 378 00:12:56,133 --> 00:12:58,273 and you use less vibrato in your voice? 379 00:12:58,267 --> 00:12:59,497 ’Cause I invented that trick! 380 00:12:59,501 --> 00:13:01,101 - All right, let’s go. 381 00:13:01,103 --> 00:13:03,913 We’ll be back next week with some more. 382 00:13:03,905 --> 00:13:05,365 You know who she reminds me of? 383 00:13:05,373 --> 00:13:07,413 - Kathleen Marcovici. Remember her? 384 00:13:07,408 --> 00:13:09,108 - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that bitch mother, 385 00:13:09,109 --> 00:13:11,249 Hannah? - God, I hated her, 386 00:13:11,245 --> 00:13:13,905 mouthing off to me at every PTA meeting. 387 00:13:13,913 --> 00:13:15,513 - Yeah. - Bitch. 388 00:13:15,514 --> 00:13:17,384 - Let’s take an Uber to their place 389 00:13:17,383 --> 00:13:19,253 and fuck with them. - Your treat! 390 00:13:19,251 --> 00:13:21,321 [laughs] Oh. 391 00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:26,191 - Actually, Auntie Frankie, we met on Tinder, 392 00:13:26,190 --> 00:13:27,720 so we’ve been texting for months. 393 00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,494 It was just a weird coincidence-- 394 00:13:29,492 --> 00:13:32,202 - Show of hands. Who’s bored with this story? 395 00:13:32,195 --> 00:13:33,655 - You’re right. This story sucks. 396 00:13:33,663 --> 00:13:36,733 I feel like I was on a Tyler Perry show on OWN. 397 00:13:36,731 --> 00:13:38,171 [laughter] 398 00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:39,626 - [whispering] What the fuck are you doing? 399 00:13:39,634 --> 00:13:41,504 - [whispering] He seems sweet. - He’s Satan! 400 00:13:41,502 --> 00:13:42,942 - May I please have some more wine? 401 00:13:42,936 --> 00:13:44,136 - Funny and polite. 402 00:13:44,137 --> 00:13:46,167 He says may, not can, 403 00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,313 because he knows what words mean. 404 00:13:48,308 --> 00:13:50,208 Aren’t they cute together? 405 00:13:50,209 --> 00:13:51,739 Go on, hold hands. 406 00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:53,583 We don’t mind if you canoodle at the table. 407 00:13:53,579 --> 00:13:56,049 [giggles] - Love is love. 408 00:13:56,047 --> 00:13:58,877 Go on, kiss. [laughs] 409 00:13:58,883 --> 00:14:02,293 all: Ooh! [both laughing] 410 00:14:02,286 --> 00:14:05,016 - I don’t care what Dr. Ben Carson says. 411 00:14:05,021 --> 00:14:07,421 I like when nice men kiss. 412 00:14:07,423 --> 00:14:09,793 - DeNeil, why don’t you go get the dessert? 413 00:14:09,792 --> 00:14:11,162 And Billy, go with him. 414 00:14:11,159 --> 00:14:13,229 - Everybody loves me. 415 00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:14,928 - What the hell are you doing? 416 00:14:14,929 --> 00:14:16,559 You two hate everyone! 417 00:14:16,563 --> 00:14:18,103 You wouldn’t even let me watch Mr. Rogers growing up 418 00:14:18,098 --> 00:14:21,098 because you said only peeping toms wore cardigans. 419 00:14:21,101 --> 00:14:22,701 - I stand by that! 420 00:14:22,702 --> 00:14:25,672 - Do you think that I invited Billy to a family dinner 421 00:14:25,671 --> 00:14:27,741 so he can feel like he’s part of this family? 422 00:14:27,739 --> 00:14:29,309 Why do you refuse to hate the one person 423 00:14:29,307 --> 00:14:31,077 I fucking begged you two to hate? 424 00:14:31,075 --> 00:14:32,335 I begged ya! I begged ya! 425 00:14:32,343 --> 00:14:33,883 - He’s sweet and charming. 426 00:14:33,877 --> 00:14:36,707 - Yeah, and maybe Nate can learn a thing or two. 427 00:14:36,713 --> 00:14:39,253 - I swear to God-- - What the hell did I do? 428 00:14:39,248 --> 00:14:41,818 - I can’t believe how much they like you. 429 00:14:41,818 --> 00:14:44,288 - I know. I can’t believe how much I like this. 430 00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:46,615 Middle aged African-American women are my demo. 431 00:14:46,621 --> 00:14:49,161 - And you’re comfortable? - Yeah, it’s weird. 432 00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:51,586 You know, whenever I eat pie, it’s usually alone, 433 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:56,231 standing over the sink, but this feels very... familial. 434 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,229 Your aunts are so nice. 435 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:01,231 My family dinners are not like that. 436 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:03,873 I’m sorry. I’m never this open. 437 00:15:03,868 --> 00:15:06,538 You know, I haven’t even done poppers. 438 00:15:06,537 --> 00:15:08,637 Unless Auntie Frankie put some in the ham. 439 00:15:08,639 --> 00:15:10,539 It’s weird, you know? It’s, like, 440 00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:12,311 do you know that scene in "When Harry Met Sally" 441 00:15:12,308 --> 00:15:14,738 when Meg Ryan, like, almost starts to cry 442 00:15:14,744 --> 00:15:16,514 ’cause she talks about the little kid 443 00:15:16,511 --> 00:15:19,751 pointing at a family and saying, "I spy a family"? 444 00:15:19,748 --> 00:15:23,018 I’m not Meg Ryan. I’m Sharon Stone, you know? 445 00:15:23,017 --> 00:15:25,147 - I heard she’s in Mensa. 446 00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:27,616 MARILYN: Fucking Marcovicis. 447 00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:29,560 Hannah used to lie in that hammock all day long 448 00:15:29,556 --> 00:15:31,286 drinking Crystal Light and gin. 449 00:15:31,290 --> 00:15:32,690 - What a whore. I hate them. 450 00:15:32,691 --> 00:15:34,091 - Strike the match away from you. 451 00:15:34,092 --> 00:15:35,162 - I know how to light poop, mother! 452 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,290 - Oh, yeah? - Get ready to-- 453 00:15:36,294 --> 00:15:37,504 ring the doorbell. Get ready. 454 00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:38,495 Get ready. Get ready. Get ready. 455 00:15:38,496 --> 00:15:39,796 - Go! Go, go, go! Go! 456 00:15:39,797 --> 00:15:41,027 - Ring the doorbell! Ring the doorbell! 457 00:15:41,031 --> 00:15:42,131 [doorbell ringing] Ahh! 458 00:15:42,132 --> 00:15:45,772 [both giggling] 459 00:15:45,769 --> 00:15:47,599 - [gasps] 460 00:15:49,205 --> 00:15:50,435 - Oh! - [laughs] 461 00:15:51,506 --> 00:15:52,936 - Oh. Oh, oh, oh. 462 00:15:52,941 --> 00:15:55,341 [both laughing] 463 00:15:55,342 --> 00:15:57,342 - Why did you do this to me? 464 00:15:57,344 --> 00:16:00,154 - Wait, are you Hannah Marcovici? 465 00:16:00,146 --> 00:16:01,646 - No! 466 00:16:01,648 --> 00:16:04,378 The Marcovicis moved away after Brian Williams got fired. 467 00:16:04,384 --> 00:16:06,024 My name is Willa Kaplan! 468 00:16:06,018 --> 00:16:09,748 I’m a retired schoolteacher, and I’m upset! 469 00:16:09,754 --> 00:16:11,624 - Let’s go. Quick, quick. 470 00:16:11,623 --> 00:16:14,433 - At least it was fun to light poop. 471 00:16:14,425 --> 00:16:16,985 She probably deserved it some way anyway. 472 00:16:16,994 --> 00:16:18,734 [both laughing] 473 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:22,028 Oh, happy birthday, sweetheart. 474 00:16:22,031 --> 00:16:23,271 I love you. 475 00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:28,940 - Happy 36th anniversary of your labor. 476 00:16:28,936 --> 00:16:30,766 You can be a fun mom. 477 00:16:30,771 --> 00:16:33,311 - Did you just give me a compliment? 478 00:16:33,307 --> 00:16:36,037 - Yes, and it was a good one. [laughs] 479 00:16:36,042 --> 00:16:37,382 - Oh, Julie. 480 00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:39,106 I’m sorry for all the past birthdays 481 00:16:39,112 --> 00:16:40,612 you had that weren’t perfect. 482 00:16:40,613 --> 00:16:42,183 Let’s have a do-over. 483 00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:43,550 - Oh, that’s silly. - Yes. 484 00:16:43,548 --> 00:16:44,878 - There’s no do-overs. - Let’s go back 485 00:16:44,882 --> 00:16:46,522 to that restaurant, that terrible restaurant 486 00:16:46,518 --> 00:16:48,188 where they cook food in front of you, 487 00:16:48,185 --> 00:16:51,045 and this time I won’t leave. 488 00:16:51,054 --> 00:16:52,664 - Okay. It’s a deal. 489 00:16:52,655 --> 00:16:54,255 - Come on. - Ohh. 490 00:16:54,257 --> 00:16:56,387 - Let’s find an Irish neighborhood, 491 00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:57,661 and we’ll have a nightcap! 492 00:17:01,996 --> 00:17:04,426 - Oh, my God. 493 00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:06,672 Billy, where did you even find this? 494 00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:08,697 - I found this lunatic on Etsy 495 00:17:08,701 --> 00:17:10,371 who will literally draw anyone’s face 496 00:17:10,370 --> 00:17:12,440 on a celebrity body, so this is you and me 497 00:17:12,438 --> 00:17:13,738 as Michael Stipe and Kate Pierson 498 00:17:13,739 --> 00:17:16,379 in the "Shiny Happy People" video. 499 00:17:16,375 --> 00:17:17,875 - I don’t know what to say. 500 00:17:17,876 --> 00:17:19,036 - Happy Birthday, Jules. 501 00:17:19,044 --> 00:17:21,384 - Well, stray dogs ate all the food again, 502 00:17:21,379 --> 00:17:23,949 and they bit my neck and hands! 503 00:17:23,948 --> 00:17:27,018 I’m stuck doing deliveries just because you’re dating DeNeil? 504 00:17:27,016 --> 00:17:28,246 This isn’t fair! 505 00:17:28,251 --> 00:17:29,521 - How was dinner with DeNeil? 506 00:17:29,518 --> 00:17:30,788 I didn’t get a single text from you 507 00:17:30,786 --> 00:17:32,016 that said "Get me out of here" 508 00:17:32,020 --> 00:17:33,420 or "Call in a bomb threat." 509 00:17:33,421 --> 00:17:34,721 - I mean, it started off awkward, 510 00:17:34,722 --> 00:17:36,092 but I forced myself to smile, 511 00:17:36,090 --> 00:17:38,190 and I wound up getting emotional over pie, 512 00:17:38,192 --> 00:17:39,832 and then it was great. 513 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,226 I think there’s something to the Sharon Stoning thing. 514 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:42,827 - And you still like DeNeil? - Yeah. 515 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,299 Like, a lot, I think, even after a family dinner. 516 00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:46,568 - That’s huge. Family can be 517 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,996 a real clit-flattener. - Hm. 518 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,700 Hey, didn’t E. E. Cummings say that? 519 00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:51,401 - Yes. So when do I get to meet DeNeil? 520 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,813 Oh, why don’t you invite him to my birthday dinner tonight? 521 00:17:53,805 --> 00:17:55,265 - Oh, what time? - [gasps] Quarter past 522 00:17:55,273 --> 00:17:57,273 "you’re not invited." - [groans] 523 00:17:57,274 --> 00:17:58,714 You are everything. [laughs] 524 00:17:58,708 --> 00:18:01,678 - Does anybody else even work here? 525 00:18:04,780 --> 00:18:07,680 - Hey, bud, I’d like to order for the birthday girl. 526 00:18:07,683 --> 00:18:10,723 She’s my old lady. - Arthur, I swear to God. 527 00:18:10,718 --> 00:18:13,418 - Chickens be clucking, am I right? 528 00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:17,160 - I’d like to propose a toast. 529 00:18:17,156 --> 00:18:19,926 The year was 1979. 530 00:18:19,925 --> 00:18:22,125 My haircut was awful. 531 00:18:22,127 --> 00:18:23,627 "Bangs," I told the stylist. 532 00:18:23,628 --> 00:18:25,928 "Let’s try bangs," but no. 533 00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:28,870 He was dead-set on a center part. 534 00:18:28,866 --> 00:18:32,596 - Sorry to interrupt, Mom. I have to go to the bathroom. 535 00:18:32,603 --> 00:18:34,573 - Pull your hair back when you vomit. 536 00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:36,170 You look so pretty tonight. 537 00:18:36,172 --> 00:18:37,772 So DeNeil, DeNeil, 538 00:18:37,773 --> 00:18:41,183 who do you think looks good with a center part? 539 00:18:41,176 --> 00:18:42,506 Nobody! 540 00:18:42,511 --> 00:18:44,511 - Okay, we’d like to invite a guest 541 00:18:44,512 --> 00:18:46,982 behind the grill to learn a trick. 542 00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:49,420 Who’s the most athletic person in the group? 543 00:18:49,416 --> 00:18:51,076 - Uh, that’d be me. 544 00:18:51,083 --> 00:18:52,523 - All right, come around. 545 00:18:52,519 --> 00:18:55,389 So, we cut the meat, and we throw the meat. 546 00:18:55,387 --> 00:18:56,457 Think you can handle it? 547 00:18:56,455 --> 00:18:58,355 - Yeah, I think I can handle it. 548 00:18:58,356 --> 00:19:00,486 - Billy, there you are! 549 00:19:00,491 --> 00:19:02,231 - Matthew, I think Julie made it pretty clear 550 00:19:02,226 --> 00:19:03,526 you weren’t invited here. 551 00:19:03,527 --> 00:19:05,927 - Shh. DeNeil, Billy doesn’t like you. 552 00:19:05,929 --> 00:19:07,229 It took me a few hours, 553 00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,770 but I finally realized what Sharon Stoning means. 554 00:19:09,765 --> 00:19:12,665 Okay? He’s pretending to have emotions for you. 555 00:19:12,668 --> 00:19:14,998 - Is that true? - No! 556 00:19:15,003 --> 00:19:20,873 I mean, it was, but now I really like you, 557 00:19:20,874 --> 00:19:23,014 and, you know, I’m so used to separating things, 558 00:19:23,009 --> 00:19:25,679 and-- - Billy, I got to be honest. 559 00:19:25,678 --> 00:19:28,648 When you were on Tinder, you were a lot less sappy. 560 00:19:28,648 --> 00:19:30,178 - What? - You’re kind of emotional. 561 00:19:30,182 --> 00:19:32,552 I don’t know, and it’s kind of a turn-off. 562 00:19:32,551 --> 00:19:34,021 - Are you fucking kidding me? 563 00:19:34,018 --> 00:19:35,948 No, no, no, no. I’m a block of ice. 564 00:19:35,953 --> 00:19:38,323 I checked Deadline at my dad’s funeral. 565 00:19:38,321 --> 00:19:40,061 When Bing Bong died, I nodded off. 566 00:19:40,057 --> 00:19:42,887 I Shazamed songs during "Still Alice." 567 00:19:42,892 --> 00:19:44,532 - Look, this is way too much. 568 00:19:44,526 --> 00:19:46,326 You’re way too attached. 569 00:19:46,328 --> 00:19:47,898 We’ve only known each other for a couple of days. 570 00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,726 I’m going back to Atlanta. - No! Wait-- 571 00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:51,801 - When I tell Denise that you two are over, 572 00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:53,569 you’re gonna go back to doing deliveries 573 00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:55,598 for the rest of your non-equity life. 574 00:19:55,602 --> 00:19:56,802 - Get the fuck out of here, Matthew! 575 00:19:56,803 --> 00:19:57,703 - Oh! 576 00:19:57,704 --> 00:19:59,674 - Who can refill my Buddha-tini? 577 00:19:59,673 --> 00:20:01,813 - Look, there is that maniac 578 00:20:01,807 --> 00:20:04,507 who lit the dog shit on fire outside our house. 579 00:20:04,509 --> 00:20:06,439 - Excuse me? - Do you know 580 00:20:06,444 --> 00:20:08,454 I got dog shit all over our hammock 581 00:20:08,446 --> 00:20:10,276 chasing after you and then falling 582 00:20:10,281 --> 00:20:11,781 into the hammock feet-first? 583 00:20:11,782 --> 00:20:14,052 - You know what? I left my lights on. 584 00:20:14,050 --> 00:20:15,320 I’ll be right back. 585 00:20:15,318 --> 00:20:17,748 - Somebody trip her before she gets to the door. 586 00:20:17,753 --> 00:20:18,953 - You got great knife skills. 587 00:20:18,954 --> 00:20:20,624 - Yeah, well, years of practice. 588 00:20:20,622 --> 00:20:24,192 And sometimes, all you need is talent. 589 00:20:24,192 --> 00:20:25,762 Ah! I’m blind! - Oh! 590 00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:27,099 - [screams] - Ah! Hey! 591 00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,325 Can we get a medic, please? Some first aid? 592 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,129 - I grilled my arms! 593 00:20:31,131 --> 00:20:33,371 And without a marinade! 594 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:34,796 - [sighs] 595 00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,501 Happy birthday, Julie. 596 00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:40,812 You’re already 36, and you just threw up in a public restroom. 597 00:20:43,173 --> 00:20:44,173 Oh, my God. 598 00:20:44,174 --> 00:20:45,714 Excuse me. I’m sorry. 599 00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:48,449 Are you Kate Pierson from the B-52s? 600 00:20:48,445 --> 00:20:50,245 - Yeah. - Oh, my God, Kate Pierson, 601 00:20:50,246 --> 00:20:53,316 I can’t believe I’m meeting you on my birthday. 602 00:20:53,316 --> 00:20:56,816 Do you have any idea what your work has meant to me? 603 00:20:56,818 --> 00:21:00,548 - No, but I have a sneaking suspicion I’m about to find out. 604 00:21:00,554 --> 00:21:01,924 - When I was 11 years old, 605 00:21:01,922 --> 00:21:05,492 I didn’t know who I wanted to be one day, 606 00:21:05,491 --> 00:21:09,731 and then I saw you and Cindy in beehives and go-go boots, 607 00:21:09,729 --> 00:21:13,229 harmonizing next to openly gay Southern men, 608 00:21:13,232 --> 00:21:18,942 and I just realized this is who I want to be one day. 609 00:21:18,936 --> 00:21:22,536 You gave me someone to aspire to, 610 00:21:22,539 --> 00:21:24,809 and I didn’t feel so alone anymore. 611 00:21:24,807 --> 00:21:26,507 - Well, being alone isn’t so bad. 612 00:21:26,508 --> 00:21:29,108 That’s why sometimes people have to duck into the bathroom 613 00:21:29,110 --> 00:21:32,080 just to get a couple of minutes to be by themselves. 614 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,580 You know what I mean? 615 00:21:33,581 --> 00:21:35,251 Anyway, happy birthday. 616 00:21:35,249 --> 00:21:36,719 - Thanks. 617 00:21:36,716 --> 00:21:39,786 I got to say, you know, it’s real human of you 618 00:21:39,786 --> 00:21:41,646 to listen to all my bullshit. 619 00:21:41,654 --> 00:21:43,464 - Well, now can I have a little bit of privacy? 620 00:21:43,456 --> 00:21:44,486 - Oh, my God. Yes. 621 00:21:44,490 --> 00:21:45,560 Oh, please. Of course. 622 00:21:45,557 --> 00:21:46,687 I’m sorry, Kate Pierson. 623 00:21:46,691 --> 00:21:48,861 Thank you. Enjoy. Uh, enjoy. 624 00:21:48,860 --> 00:21:50,090 - Thank you. - Touched--I just touched you. 625 00:21:50,094 --> 00:21:51,604 I’m sorry. I touched your shoulder. 626 00:21:51,595 --> 00:21:53,155 Okay, good-bye. I love you. Thank you. 627 00:21:53,164 --> 00:21:54,704 - Jesus Christ. 628 00:21:54,698 --> 00:21:57,898 [The Thompson Twins’ "If You Were Here"] 629 00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:05,840 ♪ ♪ 630 00:22:12,412 --> 00:22:13,812 - I can’t believe it. 631 00:22:13,813 --> 00:22:16,923 I’ve been fucking abandoned on my birthday-- 632 00:22:16,916 --> 00:22:18,416 again. 633 00:22:18,417 --> 00:22:22,417 ♪ ♪ 634 00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:25,220 - ♪ If you were here ♪ 635 00:22:25,222 --> 00:22:26,492 - Thanks for coming back. 636 00:22:26,490 --> 00:22:27,960 - I just wish I’d stayed. 637 00:22:27,958 --> 00:22:30,128 Chasing after DeNeil was so stupid. 638 00:22:30,126 --> 00:22:32,626 - Why? ’Cause he’s in great shape, huh? 639 00:22:32,628 --> 00:22:34,528 - That, and I also think 640 00:22:34,530 --> 00:22:36,030 when it comes to the guys in my life, 641 00:22:36,031 --> 00:22:39,131 I’m not ready to stop compartmentalizing. 642 00:22:39,133 --> 00:22:40,273 The fact is, 643 00:22:40,267 --> 00:22:42,497 when Homeland Security shut down Rentboy, 644 00:22:42,503 --> 00:22:44,443 all of our lives fell to shit. 645 00:22:44,438 --> 00:22:45,708 - I think the secret is just keeping 646 00:22:45,706 --> 00:22:47,536 your expectations really low. 647 00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:48,870 That way you can’t be disappointed, 648 00:22:48,874 --> 00:22:50,914 and a birthday is just another shitty day 649 00:22:50,910 --> 00:22:52,780 but with cake that you have to share. 650 00:22:52,777 --> 00:22:54,577 - Are you really gonna cut out alcohol? 651 00:22:54,579 --> 00:22:55,979 - Oh, yeah. No, I’m never letting 652 00:22:55,980 --> 00:22:58,550 my guard down around Marilyn again. 653 00:22:58,549 --> 00:23:00,649 - Happy birthday, Jules. 654 00:23:00,651 --> 00:23:02,421 Make a wish. 655 00:23:02,419 --> 00:23:04,549 - It already came true. 656 00:23:04,554 --> 00:23:05,964 - It did? - No, I’m joking. 657 00:23:05,955 --> 00:23:08,555 I’m a very unhappy person. 658 00:23:08,557 --> 00:23:10,457 But I’m glad you’re here. 659 00:23:10,459 --> 00:23:11,659 - Me too. 660 00:23:12,527 --> 00:23:14,727 GAY TEENAGER: [coughs] 661 00:23:14,729 --> 00:23:17,129 Hi. Sorry. - Hello? 662 00:23:17,131 --> 00:23:20,071 - Sorry, I--I’m just hanging out 663 00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:23,136 in the bleachers here after school. 664 00:23:23,136 --> 00:23:26,536 I heard a rumor that if you wait long enough-- 665 00:23:26,539 --> 00:23:28,409 - Yeah, go home, kid. 666 00:23:28,406 --> 00:23:29,636 There are hand jobs, 667 00:23:29,639 --> 00:23:31,209 but you have to wait until college. 668 00:23:36,772 --> 00:23:39,012 MAN: ♪ Oh ♪ 669 00:23:39,005 --> 00:23:41,535 ♪ Thought it’d be easy ♪ 670 00:23:41,539 --> 00:23:44,169 ♪ Thought they didn’t know ♪ 671 00:23:44,172 --> 00:23:48,212 ♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪ 672 00:23:48,205 --> 00:23:49,535 ♪ ♪ 673 00:23:49,539 --> 00:23:51,669 ♪ Another way out ♪ 674 00:23:51,672 --> 00:23:54,472 ♪ Found on the way home ♪ 675 00:23:54,472 --> 00:23:55,872 ♪ Thought you were living fast ♪ 676 00:23:55,872 --> 00:23:59,112 ♪ But you were living slow ♪ 677 00:23:59,105 --> 00:24:07,035 ♪ ♪