1 00:00:01,511 --> 00:00:03,811 JULIE: Tourists! BILLY: Come to our show. 2 00:00:03,813 --> 00:00:06,253 JULIE: Hey, tourists! BILLY: No need to wait in line 3 00:00:06,249 --> 00:00:07,749 for Broadway show tickets. 4 00:00:07,750 --> 00:00:10,350 New show "Swiftical," the musical. 5 00:00:10,353 --> 00:00:11,793 - We want to see "Hamilton." 6 00:00:11,787 --> 00:00:13,957 - But it’s the New York Fringe Festival. 7 00:00:13,957 --> 00:00:16,557 Come on. Taylor Swift. It’s tomorrow night. 8 00:00:16,559 --> 00:00:17,989 - Oh, we want to see "Hamilton," though. 9 00:00:17,994 --> 00:00:20,404 - Well, Lin-Manuel Miranda endorsed our show. 10 00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:22,326 His quote is right there on the flyer. 11 00:00:22,332 --> 00:00:24,432 - Who is Lin-Manuel Miranda? 12 00:00:24,434 --> 00:00:26,074 We want to see "Hamilton." 13 00:00:26,069 --> 00:00:26,999 - Ugh. These mutants. 14 00:00:27,003 --> 00:00:28,603 - I’ll go get us some Bubba Gump. 15 00:00:28,604 --> 00:00:30,374 - Where’d you get that Lin-Manuel quote? 16 00:00:30,373 --> 00:00:32,643 - I made it up. - Brilliant. 17 00:00:32,642 --> 00:00:34,142 Hey, you look like you were homeschooled. 18 00:00:34,144 --> 00:00:35,284 Come see our show. 19 00:00:35,278 --> 00:00:36,948 It’s about your hero, Taylor Swift. 20 00:00:36,947 --> 00:00:38,477 - Yeah, and it’s also about "Hamilton." 21 00:00:38,481 --> 00:00:40,051 - Do you think this is the closest 22 00:00:40,050 --> 00:00:41,990 these people have ever been to an actual Jew before? 23 00:00:41,985 --> 00:00:44,345 - Probably the closest is ordering a cinnamon-raisin bagel 24 00:00:44,354 --> 00:00:45,964 at Einstein Brothers. 25 00:00:45,956 --> 00:00:48,186 - Oh, my God, that chain. Do you think they did a focus group 26 00:00:48,191 --> 00:00:50,961 and they were like, "Okay, which Jew do you hate least?" 27 00:00:50,961 --> 00:00:52,901 And people were like, “I don’t know. Albert Einstein.” 28 00:00:52,895 --> 00:00:54,125 - Yeah, well, what’s the one other 29 00:00:54,130 --> 00:00:55,870 national bagel brand people know? 30 00:00:55,865 --> 00:00:56,665 Lenders. 31 00:00:56,666 --> 00:00:58,026 - I know. Exactly. 32 00:00:58,034 --> 00:01:00,674 Because Money-Lending, Hook-nosed, Sneaky, 33 00:01:00,670 --> 00:01:03,740 Showbusiness Rat Jew Bagels was too long of a name 34 00:01:03,739 --> 00:01:04,809 to fit on the bag. 35 00:01:04,807 --> 00:01:07,137 - Hey! You guys like comedy? 36 00:01:07,143 --> 00:01:08,243 - Well, we used to. 37 00:01:08,244 --> 00:01:09,554 - Yeah. Now we do it. 38 00:01:09,545 --> 00:01:12,545 [driving punk rock music] 39 00:01:12,548 --> 00:01:13,918 ♪ ♪ 40 00:01:13,917 --> 00:01:15,587 - I tried to get us reservations at Le Cirque, 41 00:01:15,585 --> 00:01:17,715 but this place is way more expensive. 42 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:19,560 - Remember on Real Housewives when Aviva Drescher 43 00:01:19,555 --> 00:01:20,885 threw her leg at Le Cirque? 44 00:01:20,890 --> 00:01:22,360 - I wonder if they got to keep that leg. 45 00:01:22,358 --> 00:01:23,888 What if it’s attached to their restroom key? 46 00:01:23,893 --> 00:01:26,563 - "Mom, this is very generous of you." 47 00:01:26,562 --> 00:01:29,432 - Mom, this is very generous of you to take us out to lunch 48 00:01:29,432 --> 00:01:31,942 to celebrate our big play opening tomorrow night. 49 00:01:31,935 --> 00:01:33,765 - Play? That’s not ringing any bells. 50 00:01:33,769 --> 00:01:36,439 No. I invited you here because I have very good news. 51 00:01:36,439 --> 00:01:39,209 - Savannah Guthrie finally found an eye shadow that flatters her? 52 00:01:39,209 --> 00:01:40,739 - You know, I never knew it was possible 53 00:01:40,743 --> 00:01:42,053 for a woman to clash with their own eyelids. 54 00:01:42,045 --> 00:01:43,975 - I have been tapped by Bravo 55 00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:45,980 to be an in-house psych consultant 56 00:01:45,982 --> 00:01:49,752 when they audition reality show cast members! 57 00:01:49,752 --> 00:01:51,552 - What? - They bring me women; 58 00:01:51,554 --> 00:01:52,894 I interview them; 59 00:01:52,888 --> 00:01:54,658 and then I give them my professional opinion 60 00:01:54,657 --> 00:01:56,227 whether they would have a nervous breakdown 61 00:01:56,226 --> 00:01:58,456 and whether that breakdown would be compelling television. 62 00:01:58,461 --> 00:02:00,061 - Who do you know at Bravo? 63 00:02:00,063 --> 00:02:02,073 - And can they please explain "The People’s Couch"? 64 00:02:02,065 --> 00:02:04,795 - A very sweet therapist friend of mine was up for the job 65 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,800 and she wanted me to write a recommendation, 66 00:02:06,802 --> 00:02:10,072 but instead I submitted myself. 67 00:02:10,073 --> 00:02:11,643 - So you Gwyneth Paltrow’d the job 68 00:02:11,641 --> 00:02:12,711 right from under her nose? 69 00:02:12,708 --> 00:02:14,278 - So I am going to help cast 70 00:02:14,277 --> 00:02:17,677 the new "Real Housewives of New York City." 71 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:19,320 - Well, Mom, maybe I should give you a heads-up 72 00:02:19,315 --> 00:02:22,015 about the kind of women who are stars on that network. 73 00:02:22,018 --> 00:02:23,688 - Why? Because I can’t do my own job? 74 00:02:23,686 --> 00:02:25,016 - No. It’s because you haven’t watched those shows 75 00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:26,661 and I have more experience. 76 00:02:26,656 --> 00:02:29,026 - Honestly, Julie, when did my good news become all about you? 77 00:02:29,025 --> 00:02:30,625 - Moments after my theater debut became 78 00:02:30,626 --> 00:02:31,996 about your new television job. 79 00:02:31,995 --> 00:02:34,725 - I am very good at diagnosing people quickly. 80 00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:36,600 - Yes. I am too. 81 00:02:36,599 --> 00:02:37,929 As soon as I saw Paula Abdul 82 00:02:37,934 --> 00:02:39,444 dancing around with that cartoon cat, 83 00:02:39,435 --> 00:02:42,165 I knew that woman would have a problem with pills. 84 00:02:42,172 --> 00:02:43,272 - [laughs] 85 00:02:43,273 --> 00:02:46,143 - Thanks again for forcing Billy to cast me 86 00:02:46,142 --> 00:02:47,642 in his Taylor Swift musical, Mommy. 87 00:02:47,643 --> 00:02:48,843 Muah. 88 00:02:48,844 --> 00:02:50,614 - Casting you was common sense. 89 00:02:50,613 --> 00:02:52,423 You’re a god damn star. 90 00:02:52,415 --> 00:02:54,715 Besides, I told him that if he didn’t cast you, 91 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,347 he couldn’t have the night off. - [chuckles] 92 00:02:56,352 --> 00:02:59,022 - Who knows? Maybe it’ll be a big hit like "Hamilton." 93 00:02:59,022 --> 00:03:00,362 - You mean the play I wrote? 94 00:03:00,356 --> 00:03:02,126 - God damn it. Not again. 95 00:03:02,125 --> 00:03:03,785 - No, no, no. Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote "Hamilton." 96 00:03:03,793 --> 00:03:05,363 - Bullshit. 97 00:03:05,361 --> 00:03:08,001 Lin and I went to the same elementary school in Inwood. 98 00:03:07,998 --> 00:03:09,898 In the fourth grade, I presented a book report 99 00:03:09,899 --> 00:03:12,199 on Alexander Hamilton, and it rhymed. 100 00:03:12,202 --> 00:03:14,342 That’s when Lin got the idea. 101 00:03:14,337 --> 00:03:17,167 Now he’s onstage every night, and that could’ve been me 102 00:03:17,173 --> 00:03:18,743 getting the MacArthur Genius Grant 103 00:03:18,741 --> 00:03:20,941 for making hip-hop accessible to Ben Brantley. 104 00:03:20,944 --> 00:03:22,454 - Oh, I’m so sorry 105 00:03:22,445 --> 00:03:24,575 that instead you’re a successful business owner 106 00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:25,580 with a gorgeous wife. 107 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,181 This guy. 108 00:03:27,183 --> 00:03:29,423 - Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen? 109 00:03:29,419 --> 00:03:30,889 Is there some sort of sex party 110 00:03:30,886 --> 00:03:32,616 the trans waitress wasn’t invited to? 111 00:03:32,622 --> 00:03:34,762 - Take two. - Why are there 12 cases 112 00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:36,127 of olive oil in the kitchen? 113 00:03:36,126 --> 00:03:37,656 If Alec Baldwin is coming in here, 114 00:03:37,660 --> 00:03:39,460 I refuse to serve his problematic ass. 115 00:03:39,462 --> 00:03:42,002 [together] Bring it on. - Why are there 12 cases 116 00:03:41,998 --> 00:03:43,498 of olive oil in the kitchen? 117 00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:44,899 If CeeLo Green is coming in here, 118 00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:46,840 I have not forgotten his tweets about rape. 119 00:03:46,836 --> 00:03:48,736 - Brava. - We feel good about that one? 120 00:03:48,738 --> 00:03:50,308 - Restaurant week starts off tomorrow. 121 00:03:50,306 --> 00:03:52,676 We’ve got 400 customers coming in a single day. 122 00:03:52,675 --> 00:03:54,235 Oh, the meat just came. 123 00:03:54,244 --> 00:03:56,414 Tonight the vegetables come, and we’ll be good to go. 124 00:03:56,412 --> 00:03:58,152 - Ugh. We better be. 125 00:03:58,148 --> 00:03:59,948 Restaurant Week is our only chance 126 00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:02,320 to undo the damage done by that evil Zagats. 127 00:04:02,318 --> 00:04:03,818 - So you don’t want me to come in? 128 00:04:03,819 --> 00:04:06,789 Is that it? I’m the secret shame? 129 00:04:06,789 --> 00:04:08,189 I’m just supposed to hide out of sight? 130 00:04:08,191 --> 00:04:10,261 - Girl, you’re not getting the night off. 131 00:04:10,260 --> 00:04:11,130 - Fuck! 132 00:04:11,127 --> 00:04:13,097 - Got 400 people coming through. 133 00:04:13,096 --> 00:04:14,726 - Denise, mama, I’m gonna tell you 134 00:04:14,730 --> 00:04:18,130 the same thing I told Tommy Tune and those seven chorus boys: 135 00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:22,144 it’s physically impossible to fit all those people in here. 136 00:04:22,138 --> 00:04:23,808 But it sure would be fun to try. 137 00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:26,936 BOTH: [laugh] 138 00:04:29,512 --> 00:04:31,212 - Candidate number 23. 139 00:04:31,214 --> 00:04:32,854 - When do I get to meet Andy Cohen? 140 00:04:32,848 --> 00:04:34,178 - Please focus, Marilyn. 141 00:04:34,184 --> 00:04:35,994 Would Melissa make a good housewife? 142 00:04:35,986 --> 00:04:37,216 - You know, it’s funny. 143 00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:38,920 Melissa--she said something to me 144 00:04:38,922 --> 00:04:40,162 that reminded me of my wedding. 145 00:04:40,156 --> 00:04:41,856 It was 1969. I was a knockout. 146 00:04:41,857 --> 00:04:43,387 - Stay on topic, Marilyn. 147 00:04:43,393 --> 00:04:46,403 Is Melissa stable enough to be on a reality show? 148 00:04:46,396 --> 00:04:49,996 - Well, stability is subjective. A couple of years ago, 149 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,370 I thought that stevia was the right sweetener for me. 150 00:04:52,368 --> 00:04:53,468 My A1C had come back-- 151 00:04:53,469 --> 00:04:55,069 - Moving on. 152 00:04:55,071 --> 00:04:58,871 Olivia. We worry that Olivia may too normal for the show, 153 00:04:58,874 --> 00:05:01,044 but fans do like strong, confident women. 154 00:05:01,044 --> 00:05:02,614 - Let me stop you right there. 155 00:05:02,612 --> 00:05:05,922 Strength and confidence are two different things. 156 00:05:05,916 --> 00:05:08,716 Let me explain why I have both. 157 00:05:08,718 --> 00:05:12,058 - Marilyn, we’ve reviewed 25 of the candidates-- 158 00:05:12,055 --> 00:05:13,515 - At $1, 000 a pop. 159 00:05:13,523 --> 00:05:15,933 - And it’s clear that evaluating others 160 00:05:15,926 --> 00:05:17,686 may not be the best job for you. 161 00:05:17,693 --> 00:05:18,833 - Well, fuck you, too, 162 00:05:18,828 --> 00:05:20,328 and I’ve already invoiced you. 163 00:05:20,330 --> 00:05:22,170 - But I think I may have another job 164 00:05:22,165 --> 00:05:26,795 for someone as self-inclined as you. 165 00:05:26,802 --> 00:05:28,242 - Go on. 166 00:05:28,238 --> 00:05:30,668 - Baby, you were so right about moving the tables. 167 00:05:30,673 --> 00:05:32,313 - Yeah. I’m always so right. 168 00:05:32,308 --> 00:05:34,838 - Yeah, but sometimes you’re so wrong. 169 00:05:34,844 --> 00:05:37,054 - Come on. Just call the vegetable people. 170 00:05:37,047 --> 00:05:38,677 They should’ve been here hours ago. 171 00:05:38,681 --> 00:05:40,751 - You know, you’re even cute when you’re worried 172 00:05:40,750 --> 00:05:42,350 about the vegetables coming on time. 173 00:05:42,352 --> 00:05:44,292 - All right, well, why don’t I hit you with my car, 174 00:05:44,287 --> 00:05:46,757 you’ll become a vegetable, and then I’ll pull the plug? 175 00:05:46,756 --> 00:05:49,426 - Oh, you gonna pull my plug? Is that what you’re gonna do? 176 00:05:49,425 --> 00:05:51,625 You gonna pull my plug, huh? - Why are you so nasty? 177 00:05:51,627 --> 00:05:52,897 - Please, come and pull my-- 178 00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:54,595 No, this is not an obscene phone call. 179 00:05:54,597 --> 00:05:56,197 I’m sorry. This is Nate from D’s. 180 00:05:56,199 --> 00:05:58,269 What time are my vegetables coming? 181 00:05:58,268 --> 00:06:00,768 JULIE: Why can’t our owner just leave us at home? 182 00:06:00,770 --> 00:06:03,110 We’re cats. We hate traveling. 183 00:06:03,106 --> 00:06:05,576 - I know. Of all the people in the world 184 00:06:05,575 --> 00:06:06,605 who could have adopted us, 185 00:06:06,609 --> 00:06:08,639 why that bitch Taylor Swift? 186 00:06:08,644 --> 00:06:11,454 - And then we sing the "Let Me Shit Alone In A Box" song. 187 00:06:11,447 --> 00:06:12,977 - Okay. Do you want to go from the top? 188 00:06:12,983 --> 00:06:14,423 - Yep. Sounds good. 189 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,747 Oh, my God. Billy. We’re almost sold out. 190 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:19,362 - What? We’ve never sold out one of our shows. 191 00:06:19,355 --> 00:06:21,815 We’ve never even sold out like half of one of our shows. 192 00:06:21,824 --> 00:06:24,134 - And all we did was quote the guy who wrote "Hamilton" 193 00:06:24,127 --> 00:06:26,157 on the flyer... I mean, success by association. 194 00:06:26,162 --> 00:06:27,402 BILLY: You know, when we decided to do that, 195 00:06:27,397 --> 00:06:29,297 I was a little worried, but now I know 196 00:06:29,299 --> 00:06:30,499 we were doing the right thing. 197 00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:31,630 - Excuse me. I’m sorry. 198 00:06:31,634 --> 00:06:33,774 Are you Billy Epstein and Julie Kessler? 199 00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:35,309 - Aw! A fan. 200 00:06:35,305 --> 00:06:36,665 - What’s your name, little buddy? 201 00:06:36,672 --> 00:06:39,082 Oh, hold on. Let me guess. It’s Bryce. 202 00:06:39,075 --> 00:06:41,905 - Are you gay, Bryce? What can we sign for you? 203 00:06:45,148 --> 00:06:47,178 It’s from Shake It Off, Incorporated. 204 00:06:47,183 --> 00:06:48,823 - You’ve been served. 205 00:06:51,154 --> 00:06:53,024 - It’s a cease and desist 206 00:06:53,023 --> 00:06:55,433 from Taylor Swift, herself. 207 00:06:55,425 --> 00:06:57,185 - What? - Billy! 208 00:06:57,193 --> 00:06:59,733 - I think you may be better for the show if you were on it. 209 00:06:59,729 --> 00:07:02,029 - The truck just hit a damn costume shop on 72nd Street. 210 00:07:02,032 --> 00:07:03,732 The vegetables are not coming. 211 00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:06,973 - How would you feel about being Countess LuAnn’s new shrink? 212 00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:08,340 - We can’t do "Swiftical"! 213 00:07:08,338 --> 00:07:10,338 BOTH: Fuck! - Terrific! 214 00:07:13,509 --> 00:07:15,709 [upbeat music] 215 00:07:15,711 --> 00:07:18,151 - Well, if the show’s off, I’m gonna fire Matthew. 216 00:07:18,148 --> 00:07:20,048 That’s the only upside to this. 217 00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:21,280 [line trills] 218 00:07:21,284 --> 00:07:22,494 MATTHEW: Hey. - Hey, Matthew. 219 00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:23,515 MATTHEW: What? 220 00:07:23,519 --> 00:07:24,719 - Yeah, hey, the show’s canceled, 221 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:25,820 so you’re fired. 222 00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:28,121 MATTHEW: [screaming] - Okay. 223 00:07:28,124 --> 00:07:29,364 - The only thing more depressing 224 00:07:29,359 --> 00:07:30,929 than having a Fringe Festival show 225 00:07:30,927 --> 00:07:32,727 is having to cancel a Fringe Festival show. 226 00:07:32,728 --> 00:07:35,568 - Yeah. It’s kind of flattering that we were even on her radar 227 00:07:35,565 --> 00:07:38,295 enough for us to get sued. - Fucking Taylor Swift. 228 00:07:38,301 --> 00:07:39,771 - Oh, hey, look. It’s the two losers 229 00:07:39,769 --> 00:07:41,069 from "The Moth" last year. 230 00:07:41,071 --> 00:07:43,571 - Who the fuck are you? - Andrea Mumford. 231 00:07:43,573 --> 00:07:47,113 Really? I remember the two generic white Jews on stage 232 00:07:47,110 --> 00:07:49,210 making pop culture references in lieu of jokes, 233 00:07:49,212 --> 00:07:51,112 and you have no recall of a girl in a wheelchair 234 00:07:51,114 --> 00:07:52,954 doing spoken word poetry about her rapist uncle 235 00:07:52,949 --> 00:07:54,149 for 45 minutes? 236 00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:56,220 - Listen, lady. We meet a lot of people. 237 00:07:56,219 --> 00:07:58,119 - Okay. - What are you even doing here? 238 00:07:58,121 --> 00:08:00,191 - Oh, I have to ask the Fringe organizers 239 00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:01,620 to move my show to a bigger venue. 240 00:08:01,624 --> 00:08:03,434 We keep adding dates, but they keep selling out. 241 00:08:03,426 --> 00:08:05,196 - Of course you have a Fringe show. 242 00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:07,195 - Yeah, I’m doing a one-woman version of "Snowpiercer" 243 00:08:07,197 --> 00:08:09,827 where I play all the roles, including the train. 244 00:08:09,832 --> 00:08:11,832 I’ve already gotten seven Obies, and it’s not even in previews. 245 00:08:11,834 --> 00:08:14,944 - "Ooh, I’m a train." - "I’m a train. Choo-choo-choo." 246 00:08:14,938 --> 00:08:16,368 - Fuck you. - Fuck you too. 247 00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:17,542 You know what? Let me guess. 248 00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:18,940 You two dipshits have a show, too, 249 00:08:18,942 --> 00:08:20,442 but nobody’s seeing it, 250 00:08:20,443 --> 00:08:22,013 so you’re here to ask for your deposit back. 251 00:08:22,012 --> 00:08:24,282 - The joke’s on you, Andrea. 252 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,150 They don’t give you your deposit back. 253 00:08:26,149 --> 00:08:27,379 - And as a matter of fact, 254 00:08:27,383 --> 00:08:29,623 we’re just here on a victory lap 255 00:08:29,619 --> 00:08:32,359 because our show just sold out in such record time. 256 00:08:32,355 --> 00:08:34,085 - Pretty important show, too, you know. 257 00:08:34,090 --> 00:08:35,830 Not, like, a train thing, you know. 258 00:08:35,825 --> 00:08:37,125 - No. - It’s like-- 259 00:08:37,127 --> 00:08:38,927 kind of picks up where "Hamilton" left off. 260 00:08:38,929 --> 00:08:40,699 - Really? "Hamilton"? 261 00:08:40,696 --> 00:08:42,666 How is your show anything like "Hamilton"? 262 00:08:42,665 --> 00:08:44,765 - Our show’s exactly like "Hamilton." 263 00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:45,867 - Mm-hm. - For starters, 264 00:08:45,868 --> 00:08:47,168 it’s about another president. 265 00:08:47,170 --> 00:08:48,570 - Well, Hamilton was never a president. 266 00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:50,471 - Yeah, and like Hamilton, it’s a president 267 00:08:50,473 --> 00:08:52,143 that people don’t really write about a lot, 268 00:08:52,142 --> 00:08:54,082 so our take on him is pretty unique. 269 00:08:54,077 --> 00:08:55,147 - I’m gonna tell you one more time: 270 00:08:55,145 --> 00:08:56,505 Hamilton was never president. 271 00:08:56,512 --> 00:08:58,512 - Yeah. Nothing wrong with another musical 272 00:08:58,514 --> 00:08:59,554 about presidents. 273 00:08:59,549 --> 00:09:02,589 - Andrea, how are you? - Hi, Raul. 274 00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:04,285 - Good to see you. - Thank you. You too. 275 00:09:04,287 --> 00:09:06,287 You know, Billy and Julie here were just telling me 276 00:09:06,289 --> 00:09:08,059 how fast their show sold out. 277 00:09:08,058 --> 00:09:09,688 - "Swiftical"? Really? 278 00:09:09,692 --> 00:09:12,432 - Your important "Hamilton" show is called "Swiftical"? 279 00:09:12,428 --> 00:09:15,528 - No. It’s called "Carter." - Mm-hm. 280 00:09:15,531 --> 00:09:17,031 - ’Cause it’s about Jimmy Carter. 281 00:09:17,033 --> 00:09:18,503 - Mm-hm. - Heard of him? 282 00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:19,801 - Yeah, and we were just coming here to ask Raul 283 00:09:19,802 --> 00:09:21,142 if we could change the title. 284 00:09:21,137 --> 00:09:22,237 - Yeah. We’re changing it to "Carter." 285 00:09:22,238 --> 00:09:23,768 "Swiftical" is now "Carter." 286 00:09:23,773 --> 00:09:25,813 - Oh, great. Well, how much like "Hamilton" is it? 287 00:09:25,808 --> 00:09:27,408 Is there rapping in it? - Yes. 288 00:09:27,410 --> 00:09:29,810 - Is there hip-hop dancing? - Oh, yeah. 289 00:09:29,812 --> 00:09:32,382 - Well, then, I certainly hope that I can get a ticket, 290 00:09:32,382 --> 00:09:33,852 ’cause I’ll be there. 291 00:09:33,849 --> 00:09:35,789 - I certainly hope you will. - Oh, I certainly will. 292 00:09:35,785 --> 00:09:37,415 - Great. Yeah. See if you can get a ticket. 293 00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:39,520 Probably can’t, though. - Oh, don’t worry. 294 00:09:39,522 --> 00:09:41,222 MATTHEW: What? - Hey, Matthew. It’s Billy. 295 00:09:41,224 --> 00:09:42,434 The show’s back on. You’re re-hired. 296 00:09:42,425 --> 00:09:44,685 MATTHEW: [screaming] - Oh, God. 297 00:09:44,694 --> 00:09:47,464 - Fucking Andrea Mumford. Why did we lie to her? 298 00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:49,403 - I don’t know, but we did, and now we have a show tomorrow, 299 00:09:49,399 --> 00:09:50,829 and we don’t have a single idea. 300 00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:52,673 - You could always change the subject matter 301 00:09:52,668 --> 00:09:53,768 but keep the material. 302 00:09:53,769 --> 00:09:55,639 - Arthur, it’s very sweet of you to help, 303 00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:57,368 but please leave the art to the artists, 304 00:09:57,373 --> 00:09:58,873 and the farts to the fartists. 305 00:09:58,874 --> 00:10:00,414 - Okay, hear me out. 306 00:10:00,410 --> 00:10:02,050 What if we change the subject matter, 307 00:10:02,045 --> 00:10:04,445 but we keep the material? - That’s what I just said. 308 00:10:04,447 --> 00:10:07,977 - Are you suggesting that we Weird Al our own musical? 309 00:10:07,984 --> 00:10:10,554 Change the lyrics but leave the melodies intact? 310 00:10:10,553 --> 00:10:12,723 - Without ever once brushing out our natural curls? Yes! 311 00:10:12,722 --> 00:10:14,722 - Oh, my God. That’s brilliant. So all we have to do 312 00:10:14,724 --> 00:10:16,494 is change the Taylor Swift specifics 313 00:10:16,492 --> 00:10:18,392 to Jimmy Carter specifics, and we’re home free. 314 00:10:18,394 --> 00:10:21,764 - Yeah. We’ll replace John Mayer with Yasser Arafat. 315 00:10:21,764 --> 00:10:23,904 [hip-hop music] 316 00:10:23,899 --> 00:10:25,299 - ♪ Throughout his second term, he, Roz and Amy ♪ 317 00:10:25,301 --> 00:10:26,401 ♪ Ate their chicken fried ♪ 318 00:10:26,402 --> 00:10:27,802 - ♪ He pissed Israelis off ♪ 319 00:10:27,803 --> 00:10:29,843 ♪ He called their policies apartheid ♪ 320 00:10:29,839 --> 00:10:32,909 BOTH: ♪ Carter, you did a lot of things I guess ♪ 321 00:10:32,908 --> 00:10:34,578 ♪ Carter ♪ 322 00:10:34,577 --> 00:10:38,007 ♪ Your second wife was Sharon Gless ♪ 323 00:10:38,014 --> 00:10:39,254 - Autosave. 324 00:10:39,249 --> 00:10:41,989 The new script is very creative, 325 00:10:41,985 --> 00:10:45,555 but I’m not comfortable being credited as historical advisor. 326 00:10:45,555 --> 00:10:47,415 - But it’s sweet that I included you. 327 00:10:47,423 --> 00:10:50,863 - Yes, but there are things in here that are not accurate. 328 00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:53,330 - Like what? - Well, 329 00:10:53,329 --> 00:10:54,759 at no point did Jimmy Carter 330 00:10:54,764 --> 00:10:56,374 weigh in on Suzanne Somers’ salary dispute 331 00:10:56,366 --> 00:10:57,926 with the producers of "Three’s Company." 332 00:10:57,934 --> 00:11:00,004 And it took me a long time to figure out who you were 333 00:11:00,003 --> 00:11:02,473 confusing Rosalynn Carter with, but it’s Emmylou Harris. 334 00:11:02,472 --> 00:11:05,382 - Oh, shit. We need to get the "Carter" flyers printed. 335 00:11:05,375 --> 00:11:06,775 Are there any Kinko’s left in New York City? 336 00:11:06,776 --> 00:11:08,006 - I think there’s one. 337 00:11:08,011 --> 00:11:09,681 But you have to go on the deep web to find it. 338 00:11:09,679 --> 00:11:11,149 - Don’t just stand there, dear. 339 00:11:11,147 --> 00:11:13,147 Cook us breakfast, and then find it. 340 00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:16,685 - And just because Jimmy Carter is from Georgia 341 00:11:16,686 --> 00:11:18,446 does not mean he knew NeNe Leakes. 342 00:11:18,454 --> 00:11:21,164 - Arthur! - Why can’t you support me? 343 00:11:22,926 --> 00:11:25,626 MARILYN: Julie! JULIE: Mom. Hi. 344 00:11:25,628 --> 00:11:27,458 - Wow, this is where you’re doing your show? 345 00:11:27,463 --> 00:11:30,133 It’s like the cellar from "Silence of the Lambs," 346 00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:31,433 but you haven’t lost weight yet. 347 00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:33,404 - What do you want, Mom? I’m busy. 348 00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:35,673 - Bravo has asked me to be on camera 349 00:11:35,671 --> 00:11:37,771 as Countess LuAnn’s therapist! 350 00:11:37,773 --> 00:11:40,013 - What? - They were looking for someone 351 00:11:40,010 --> 00:11:42,080 who felt the benefits of television exposure 352 00:11:42,078 --> 00:11:45,218 outweighed the slippery slope of patient confidentiality. 353 00:11:45,215 --> 00:11:46,515 Et voilà! 354 00:11:46,516 --> 00:11:48,416 - All right. I got a lot of work to do. 355 00:11:48,418 --> 00:11:50,418 Congrats. I’ll talk to you later. 356 00:11:50,420 --> 00:11:51,890 - Well, wait. You watch that show. 357 00:11:51,887 --> 00:11:54,217 You mentioned before that you might have some advice. 358 00:11:54,224 --> 00:11:56,664 - Nope. Nothing. No advice. 359 00:11:56,659 --> 00:11:58,759 Just be yourself, away from me. 360 00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:00,301 - Why are you sulking? 361 00:12:00,296 --> 00:12:02,766 - I guess I’m just processing the fact that my mom is gonna be 362 00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:04,165 on TV before I am, 363 00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:05,697 and that my first exposure to audiences 364 00:12:05,701 --> 00:12:07,741 will be as a reality star’s daughter. 365 00:12:07,737 --> 00:12:09,967 - Did you say star? - All right. You know what, Mom? 366 00:12:09,973 --> 00:12:12,613 My Jimmy Carter musical is in less than 11 hours, 367 00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:14,638 and I need to rehearse, so... 368 00:12:14,644 --> 00:12:18,384 - Carter? I hope you have a song about how much Israeli blood 369 00:12:18,381 --> 00:12:21,081 is on his hands from his negotiations with Hamas. 370 00:12:21,084 --> 00:12:23,854 - Don’t you pitch me ideas that you clearly lifted 371 00:12:23,853 --> 00:12:25,293 from "Kiss Me Kate." 372 00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,960 - So these were all just lying in the street, 373 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,590 covered in glitter? 374 00:12:31,594 --> 00:12:33,234 - Yes. A truck crashed into that costume store on 72nd Street-- 375 00:12:33,229 --> 00:12:35,569 The one near the last remaining Kinko’s in New York City. 376 00:12:35,565 --> 00:12:37,625 I took everything era-specific I could find. 377 00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,943 - That is insane. Although, I have to say 378 00:12:39,936 --> 00:12:41,696 I kind of wish there was a way we could use 379 00:12:41,704 --> 00:12:43,414 some of the Taylor Swift stuff, you know? 380 00:12:43,406 --> 00:12:45,476 Like, that cow costume is amazing 381 00:12:45,475 --> 00:12:46,705 for the Tennessee hoedown. - You’re right. 382 00:12:46,709 --> 00:12:48,509 - There has to be a way we can use it. 383 00:12:48,511 --> 00:12:51,151 - Yeah, and we have to use those fucking kitten costumes too. 384 00:12:51,147 --> 00:12:52,347 And... 385 00:12:52,348 --> 00:12:54,248 I mean, we got to use Mr. Pea-- 386 00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:55,650 - Don’t even say the name. 387 00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:57,651 I don’t want to risk getting sued again. 388 00:12:57,653 --> 00:13:00,593 But, yes, we have to make Matthew wear this. 389 00:13:00,590 --> 00:13:02,490 We’ll just call him something else. 390 00:13:02,492 --> 00:13:04,032 - Oh, and the flyers came out great too. 391 00:13:04,027 --> 00:13:07,227 Look at these. And it turns out Lin-Manuel Miranda 392 00:13:07,230 --> 00:13:08,900 loves this show too. - Ooh, let me see. 393 00:13:08,898 --> 00:13:10,628 - Here. We have to make Matthew give those out. 394 00:13:10,633 --> 00:13:13,143 - Okay, but you know I can only be outside 395 00:13:13,136 --> 00:13:14,536 for about five minutes at a time. 396 00:13:14,537 --> 00:13:16,867 I’m very sensitive to low temperatures. 397 00:13:16,872 --> 00:13:20,642 As you know, my body fat levels are virtually Chenowethian. 398 00:13:20,643 --> 00:13:22,653 - Fuck you, Matthew. - Yeah. 399 00:13:22,645 --> 00:13:24,145 - What are you two amateurs doing? 400 00:13:24,147 --> 00:13:26,177 We have less than four hours until the show starts, 401 00:13:26,182 --> 00:13:28,552 and we haven’t even run Amy Carter’s dream ballet. 402 00:13:28,551 --> 00:13:30,151 - Speaking of dreams, Matthew, 403 00:13:30,153 --> 00:13:31,623 I hope one day yours are crushed. 404 00:13:31,621 --> 00:13:33,461 - The only thing that’s getting crushed of mine 405 00:13:33,456 --> 00:13:35,026 is whatever Mr. Sondheim wants 406 00:13:35,025 --> 00:13:38,355 when I’m finally invited to his alleged sex dungeon. 407 00:13:38,361 --> 00:13:41,601 - What a gorgeous view, LuAnn. - Yeah. Right? 408 00:13:41,597 --> 00:13:43,627 That’s what you get when you live in a penthouse. 409 00:13:43,633 --> 00:13:45,973 - Good morning, everyone. Countess, how are you? 410 00:13:45,969 --> 00:13:48,439 - Morning. - Marilyn, I’m Allison. 411 00:13:48,438 --> 00:13:49,838 Cheryl, who you met at Bravo-- 412 00:13:49,839 --> 00:13:51,739 she had a nervous breakdown. - Oh! 413 00:13:51,741 --> 00:13:53,281 - And because she was in Thailand when it happened, 414 00:13:53,276 --> 00:13:54,636 their euthanasia laws-- 415 00:13:54,644 --> 00:13:56,254 long story short, she’s probably dead. 416 00:13:56,246 --> 00:13:57,506 - Oh. - But, silver lining, 417 00:13:57,513 --> 00:13:59,083 I’m producing your segment now. 418 00:13:59,082 --> 00:14:01,322 - All right. Well, okay. 419 00:14:01,317 --> 00:14:06,117 Well, I’ve never counseled a patient in her own home before. 420 00:14:06,122 --> 00:14:08,692 - Oh, just treat it like a normal therapy session. 421 00:14:08,691 --> 00:14:11,731 - Yeah, like a normal, well-lit therapy session 422 00:14:11,727 --> 00:14:13,257 with cameras and a Countess. 423 00:14:13,263 --> 00:14:15,873 - All right, well, so far it’s fun. 424 00:14:15,865 --> 00:14:17,265 All right. Good. 425 00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:18,797 Let’s go. When do we start? 426 00:14:18,801 --> 00:14:20,671 - Oh, we’ve been recording since you got here. 427 00:14:20,670 --> 00:14:23,270 - You didn’t get me yelling at her housekeeper, did you? 428 00:14:23,273 --> 00:14:25,613 Here’s why you don’t need her side of the story... 429 00:14:25,608 --> 00:14:27,638 - Can we talk about my fight with Sonja, please? 430 00:14:27,643 --> 00:14:29,883 - Of course. Which camera do I look at? 431 00:14:29,879 --> 00:14:32,149 Now, see, here’s where my daughter Julie could help me. 432 00:14:32,148 --> 00:14:33,318 Do you have a daughter? - I do. 433 00:14:33,316 --> 00:14:34,816 - You do? Do you get along? 434 00:14:34,817 --> 00:14:36,087 - We get along great. She’s amazing. 435 00:14:36,086 --> 00:14:37,516 - Oh, you are so lucky. 436 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,560 Honestly, all I do is fight with my daughter. 437 00:14:39,555 --> 00:14:41,285 I don’t know what it is. I do everything I can. 438 00:14:41,291 --> 00:14:44,061 There’s always friction. I think she’s jealous of me. 439 00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:45,460 - That’s too bad, but can we get 440 00:14:45,461 --> 00:14:47,061 back to my therapy session, please? 441 00:14:47,063 --> 00:14:48,533 - Yes, of course. Go ahead. 442 00:14:48,531 --> 00:14:50,901 - So I tell Sonja I’m writing another book, 443 00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:52,700 and she totally checks out on me. 444 00:14:52,702 --> 00:14:54,202 - Well, of course I’d need to know a little bit more, 445 00:14:54,204 --> 00:14:55,774 LuAnn, but off the top, I’d say 446 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:58,211 that you’re dancing around the real conflict. 447 00:14:58,208 --> 00:15:01,578 - I am not. Although, I’m an excellent dancer. 448 00:15:01,577 --> 00:15:03,547 - Well, so am I. - No, I’m a really good dancer. 449 00:15:03,546 --> 00:15:05,176 - Yeah, well, I’ve won championships. 450 00:15:05,181 --> 00:15:07,751 Anyway, why is Sonja upset that you’re writing a book? 451 00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:10,550 - Maybe because it’s a toaster oven cookbook, 452 00:15:10,553 --> 00:15:12,963 and her whole thing is cooking with a toaster oven? 453 00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:14,716 - Well, I don’t think she’s jealous of you. 454 00:15:14,724 --> 00:15:16,434 I think she feels that you’re 455 00:15:16,426 --> 00:15:19,796 trying to one-up her in her realm... 456 00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:23,465 just like I did with Julie. 457 00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:25,636 You know, I have a very good idea 458 00:15:25,635 --> 00:15:27,395 that I think will help you and Sonja. 459 00:15:27,403 --> 00:15:30,043 There is a play that I think is important 460 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,980 for all of us to see. 461 00:15:31,975 --> 00:15:35,075 - Well, if it’s "Kinky Boots," I’ve seen it 11 times. 462 00:15:35,078 --> 00:15:37,878 Cyndi keeps asking me for notes. I mean, at this point, 463 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,680 you have to say, "What’s done is done." 464 00:15:41,051 --> 00:15:42,991 - Holy shit. We’ve got a full house. 465 00:15:42,986 --> 00:15:46,486 - Shit. Shit. - Okay. We can do this. 466 00:15:46,489 --> 00:15:49,689 "Now we’re just gonna put on our wigs and play make-believe," 467 00:15:49,692 --> 00:15:51,462 just as John Travolta and Kelly Preston 468 00:15:51,461 --> 00:15:52,861 say to each other every morning. 469 00:15:52,862 --> 00:15:55,372 - Places. Thank you. Places. 470 00:15:55,365 --> 00:15:57,065 - Yes. But first we pray. 471 00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,604 Our Father, Guido Sarducci, 472 00:16:00,603 --> 00:16:02,343 who art in Don Novello, 473 00:16:02,338 --> 00:16:03,568 thank you for this audience. 474 00:16:03,573 --> 00:16:04,573 On the count of three. One, two, three. 475 00:16:04,574 --> 00:16:05,984 [together] Carter! 476 00:16:05,976 --> 00:16:07,436 - You know, I know we don’t get along, 477 00:16:07,443 --> 00:16:10,753 but I really love you guys. 478 00:16:16,586 --> 00:16:18,546 [banjo music] 479 00:16:18,554 --> 00:16:21,424 - Howdy. I’m Professor Cashews. 480 00:16:21,424 --> 00:16:24,664 I’m here to tell you a story about a peanut farmer 481 00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:26,260 who became president. 482 00:16:26,262 --> 00:16:27,762 Oh! 483 00:16:27,763 --> 00:16:32,103 Mind if I put these kitten skins down and sit a spell? 484 00:16:32,102 --> 00:16:33,942 [audience muttering] MAN: Oh, jeez. Unbelievable. 485 00:16:33,937 --> 00:16:36,737 - Now, let me see. WOMAN: That was the worst. 486 00:16:36,739 --> 00:16:38,939 MATTHEW: Our story starts 487 00:16:38,942 --> 00:16:43,082 at a humanity habitat being built for poors. 488 00:16:45,848 --> 00:16:47,348 - Make sure you get a lot of footage 489 00:16:47,350 --> 00:16:49,120 of my daughter, right there. 490 00:16:49,119 --> 00:16:51,449 - Mind you don’t hurt your thumb, Gloria Steinem. 491 00:16:51,454 --> 00:16:52,794 You might break a nail. 492 00:16:52,788 --> 00:16:54,058 - Try to be as inconspicuous as possible. 493 00:16:54,057 --> 00:16:55,687 JULIE: You know what, Jimmy Carter? 494 00:16:55,691 --> 00:16:56,991 You can go fuck yourself. [audience shushing] 495 00:16:56,993 --> 00:16:58,233 - We’re invisible. MAN: Be quiet. 496 00:16:58,228 --> 00:16:59,558 MARILYN: We’re invisible. 497 00:16:59,562 --> 00:17:00,832 - I am not sitting with Sonja. I am not. 498 00:17:00,830 --> 00:17:02,400 - Just sit in there. It’s all right. 499 00:17:02,398 --> 00:17:04,498 - I’m not sitting next to her! - I’ll sit between you. 500 00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:05,970 - Fair-weather bitch. 501 00:17:05,969 --> 00:17:07,769 - ♪ I was a peanut farmer ♪ 502 00:17:07,770 --> 00:17:09,510 ♪ I was a Southern charmer ♪ 503 00:17:09,505 --> 00:17:11,535 ♪ Makin’ Palestine my Valentine ♪ 504 00:17:11,541 --> 00:17:12,841 ♪ Like Greg meetin’ Dharma ♪ 505 00:17:12,842 --> 00:17:15,912 - Sonja. Sonja. Come on. Just be cool. 506 00:17:15,912 --> 00:17:17,812 - Oh, like, don’t be uncool? - All right? Just be cool. 507 00:17:17,813 --> 00:17:18,953 - Sonja, please. - Can it, Countess. 508 00:17:18,949 --> 00:17:20,349 - Oh, my God. - I hate her. 509 00:17:20,350 --> 00:17:23,450 - I hate you. - All right, Countess, please. 510 00:17:23,453 --> 00:17:25,663 - Shit. 511 00:17:25,655 --> 00:17:27,615 Matthew’s show started half an hour ago, 512 00:17:27,623 --> 00:17:29,193 and we’re still chopping vegetables. 513 00:17:29,192 --> 00:17:31,562 - Not our fault. The veggie truck didn’t come. 514 00:17:31,561 --> 00:17:33,161 We need to prep. We have priorities. 515 00:17:33,163 --> 00:17:35,003 - Yeah, but are they the right priorities? 516 00:17:34,998 --> 00:17:36,868 You know, we have a family restaurant, 517 00:17:36,866 --> 00:17:38,896 but no family... if we don’t leave this place to someone, 518 00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:41,471 they’ll turn it into a Chase bank or a CVS 519 00:17:41,471 --> 00:17:44,711 or condos that only Russian sex traffickers can afford. 520 00:17:44,707 --> 00:17:46,837 - So what are you saying? 521 00:17:46,842 --> 00:17:49,212 - I’m saying that-- 522 00:17:49,212 --> 00:17:50,912 - What, baby? 523 00:17:53,049 --> 00:17:55,819 - I think we should adopt a baby. 524 00:17:55,818 --> 00:17:58,888 - Are you serious? Because you hate kids. 525 00:17:58,888 --> 00:18:00,388 - Only ’cause I’m not related to them. 526 00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:02,960 - Okay, what about Matthew? - Matthew’s grown. 527 00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:05,299 He’s getting married. He doesn’t even need me anymore. 528 00:18:05,295 --> 00:18:06,725 Sunrise, sunset. 529 00:18:06,729 --> 00:18:08,859 - Hey, listen. I’ve been suggesting we have kids 530 00:18:08,864 --> 00:18:10,974 ever since I went to that "Yo Gabba Gabba" concert 531 00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:14,097 by myself and was detained by security. 532 00:18:16,806 --> 00:18:18,506 - Let’s go to Connecticut. 533 00:18:18,508 --> 00:18:21,208 We’ll adopt a white baby. We’ll be like the reverse 534 00:18:21,211 --> 00:18:23,081 of those celebrities that go to Africa. 535 00:18:23,079 --> 00:18:24,649 - Or Sandra Bullock. Remember? 536 00:18:24,647 --> 00:18:26,317 She got a Katrina baby from New Orleans 537 00:18:26,316 --> 00:18:28,776 after that Nazi cheated on her. - Mm-hmm. 538 00:18:28,784 --> 00:18:31,594 - Fuck Restaurant Week. Fuck these vegetables. 539 00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:34,957 Baby, I feel so good about this. 540 00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:37,288 - Me too. Really good. - Yeah. 541 00:18:38,929 --> 00:18:42,029 - I’m Ronald Reagan. 542 00:18:42,032 --> 00:18:45,572 And this is a song about my legacy. 543 00:18:45,568 --> 00:18:47,468 - Put that away. 544 00:18:47,470 --> 00:18:49,540 Put it away. 545 00:18:49,539 --> 00:18:51,109 - ♪ I ♪ 546 00:18:51,107 --> 00:18:55,977 ♪ I ignored AIDS, I ignored AIDS ♪ 547 00:18:55,979 --> 00:18:57,979 - I don’t understand what this play has to do with Carter. 548 00:18:57,981 --> 00:18:59,821 - Or us. Or anything. 549 00:18:59,815 --> 00:19:02,285 - ♪ I ignored AIDS ♪ 550 00:19:02,285 --> 00:19:04,215 ♪ AIDS ♪ 551 00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:05,660 - This is just a waste of our time. 552 00:19:05,655 --> 00:19:07,355 [overlapping whispers] 553 00:19:07,357 --> 00:19:08,787 MAN: Shut up! 554 00:19:08,791 --> 00:19:10,961 - Let’s go to the tanning salon in Chelsea. 555 00:19:10,961 --> 00:19:13,101 At least there people recognize us--sorry. 556 00:19:13,096 --> 00:19:14,626 - What were we even fighting about? 557 00:19:14,630 --> 00:19:17,400 - I don’t know. - Stay. Keep shooting. 558 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,040 [gentle rock music] 559 00:19:20,036 --> 00:19:21,596 - ♪ Gene Simmons, David Bowie ♪ 560 00:19:21,604 --> 00:19:23,344 ♪ At your service to show ♪ 561 00:19:23,339 --> 00:19:27,239 - ♪ A lot of stuff about a president you hardly even know ♪ 562 00:19:27,243 --> 00:19:30,983 - ♪ The ’70s were crazy, I got a ton of poon ♪ 563 00:19:30,981 --> 00:19:33,651 - ♪ I drink Liz Taylor’s lady juice ♪ 564 00:19:33,649 --> 00:19:34,879 ♪ Right out of a coke spoon ♪ 565 00:19:34,884 --> 00:19:36,394 - ♪ Carter beat Gerald Ford ♪ 566 00:19:36,386 --> 00:19:38,686 ♪ And gave the White House solar panels ♪ 567 00:19:38,688 --> 00:19:40,888 - ♪ Gave us ten new HBO channels ♪ 568 00:19:40,890 --> 00:19:44,090 ♪ Skateboarded with Andrew Rannells ♪ 569 00:19:44,094 --> 00:19:45,934 - ♪ Why does this Southern Baptist matter? ♪ 570 00:19:45,929 --> 00:19:47,559 - ♪ What’s he teaching us sluts? ♪ 571 00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:51,733 - ♪ That ignoring Carter’s legacy is totally nuts ♪ 572 00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:54,174 ALL: ♪ Carter, you are a martyr ♪ 573 00:19:54,170 --> 00:19:57,470 ♪ And you were smarter than other Carters ♪ 574 00:19:57,473 --> 00:20:01,413 ♪ Like Aaron, Nick, Beyonce, Nell, Lynda, Dixie, Graydon ♪ 575 00:20:01,411 --> 00:20:02,751 ♪ Well ♪ 576 00:20:02,745 --> 00:20:07,645 ♪ Carter, now we know about you ♪ 577 00:20:07,650 --> 00:20:09,490 [scattered claps] 578 00:20:09,485 --> 00:20:10,545 MAN: Whoo. 579 00:20:10,553 --> 00:20:12,763 - I don’t think they got it. 580 00:20:12,755 --> 00:20:15,725 - Yeah, well, if they stayed, they would have. 581 00:20:15,725 --> 00:20:17,555 [sighs] 582 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,500 I’m gonna go get the AIDS cow. 583 00:20:19,495 --> 00:20:20,725 - Okay. 584 00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:22,200 DENISE: There he is. - [gasps] 585 00:20:22,198 --> 00:20:25,268 - There’s my big star. - Mama De-neesy Nash, 586 00:20:25,268 --> 00:20:26,838 you made it. 587 00:20:26,836 --> 00:20:30,336 - Of course. And I have wonderful news. 588 00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:31,980 Come on. Sit. 589 00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:39,280 Nate and I have decided to adopt a baby, 590 00:20:39,282 --> 00:20:43,422 and you’re gonna be a big brother. 591 00:20:43,419 --> 00:20:44,849 - No! 592 00:20:44,854 --> 00:20:47,364 [sobbing] 593 00:20:47,357 --> 00:20:49,327 - He took it much better than I thought. 594 00:20:49,325 --> 00:20:50,585 - Yeah. 595 00:20:50,593 --> 00:20:54,363 - [sobbing] 596 00:20:54,364 --> 00:20:55,474 - Oh. Julie. 597 00:20:55,465 --> 00:20:58,195 I came to your show. I brought cameras. 598 00:20:58,201 --> 00:21:01,171 - I noticed. - Because you should be on TV. 599 00:21:01,171 --> 00:21:02,111 Not me. 600 00:21:02,105 --> 00:21:05,175 - Well, Marilyn, you did the impossible. 601 00:21:05,175 --> 00:21:07,105 LuAnn and Sonja are no longer fighting. 602 00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:09,210 - I told you I knew what I was doing. 603 00:21:09,212 --> 00:21:10,952 - The LuAnn/Sonja conflict was supposed to be 604 00:21:10,947 --> 00:21:12,747 the arc of this whole season. 605 00:21:12,748 --> 00:21:14,448 - Remind me what arc means in your world 606 00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:15,820 and who LuAnn is. 607 00:21:15,818 --> 00:21:17,848 - Now I got to start shit with Bethenny. 608 00:21:17,853 --> 00:21:19,793 Marilyn, you’re fired. 609 00:21:22,692 --> 00:21:25,002 - I should have given you advice when you asked for it. 610 00:21:24,995 --> 00:21:28,055 - Yeah, you’re always selfish that way. 611 00:21:28,064 --> 00:21:31,034 - You want to grab a couple of AIDSy’s hooves? 612 00:21:31,034 --> 00:21:33,274 LIN-MANUEL: Hello? 613 00:21:34,670 --> 00:21:37,340 Who said I said this show was better than mine? 614 00:21:37,340 --> 00:21:38,570 - Lin-Manuel Miranda? 615 00:21:38,574 --> 00:21:40,484 - Yeah, I know who I am. Who the fuck are you? 616 00:21:40,476 --> 00:21:43,306 - I’m Billy. Hey, can Julie and I have tickets to "Hamilton"? 617 00:21:43,313 --> 00:21:47,023 - No. - Well, well, well. 618 00:21:47,017 --> 00:21:51,917 If it isn’t Lin-Man-well, well, well. 619 00:21:51,922 --> 00:21:54,462 You steal any fourth-grade book reports lately? 620 00:21:54,457 --> 00:21:57,327 - Nate. Fuck, dude. 621 00:21:57,327 --> 00:21:59,127 I’m sorry. 622 00:22:03,333 --> 00:22:05,943 - Thank you. 623 00:22:05,936 --> 00:22:07,396 I just wanted an apology. 624 00:22:07,403 --> 00:22:08,643 - [sighs] - Enjoy your Tonys. 625 00:22:08,638 --> 00:22:10,438 - Oh, I do. 626 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,010 Sometimes I pretend one’s a boy Tony and one’s a girl Tony, 627 00:22:13,009 --> 00:22:14,339 and I make them kiss. 628 00:22:14,344 --> 00:22:16,354 Not that two boy Tonys can’t kiss. 629 00:22:16,346 --> 00:22:18,246 I don’t know why I said that. That’s very heteronormative. 630 00:22:18,248 --> 00:22:20,648 It’s just I’ve already named them: Roger and Desiree. 631 00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:24,220 Anyway, it’s great to see you. You’ll hear from my lawyer. 632 00:22:24,220 --> 00:22:25,590 - Hey, can I be in "Hamilton"? 633 00:22:25,588 --> 00:22:26,888 - Sure. We rehearse on Monday. 634 00:22:26,889 --> 00:22:28,459 - Really? LIN-MANUEL: No! 635 00:22:28,458 --> 00:22:31,158 - You know, I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: 636 00:22:31,161 --> 00:22:33,031 That was the best play I ever saw in my life. 637 00:22:33,029 --> 00:22:34,299 - Really? - Yes. 638 00:22:34,297 --> 00:22:36,127 - Thank you, Arthur. - Thanks, babe. 639 00:22:36,132 --> 00:22:38,802 ANDREA: Guys, I really loved it too. 640 00:22:38,801 --> 00:22:40,771 In all seriousness. I’m not kidding. 641 00:22:40,770 --> 00:22:42,070 JULIE: You’re not fucking with us? 642 00:22:42,072 --> 00:22:43,612 - No. - Thanks, Mumford. 643 00:22:43,606 --> 00:22:45,736 - Yes. Thank you very much. - That means a lot. 644 00:22:45,741 --> 00:22:46,941 - Yeah, no problem. 645 00:22:46,943 --> 00:22:48,743 Oh, hey, there. - Hello. 646 00:22:48,744 --> 00:22:50,254 - Wanna get some coffee sometime? 647 00:22:50,246 --> 00:22:51,746 - Oh, uh... - Excuse me. 648 00:22:51,747 --> 00:22:53,017 Hi. What’s going on? 649 00:22:53,016 --> 00:22:55,546 This is my boyfriend. Back off, bitch. 650 00:22:55,551 --> 00:22:56,751 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 651 00:22:56,752 --> 00:22:58,892 You’re fucking that? 652 00:22:58,888 --> 00:23:00,288 Oh, my God. 653 00:23:00,290 --> 00:23:02,060 When you’re ready for some A+ pussy, 654 00:23:02,058 --> 00:23:03,688 my number’s on the card. 655 00:23:03,693 --> 00:23:07,063 - Excuse me? Hey, take a hike, Shining Time Station. 656 00:23:07,063 --> 00:23:08,633 - I’ll shine your station. 657 00:23:08,631 --> 00:23:11,101 BILLY: There she goes, the midnight train to Georgia. 658 00:23:11,101 --> 00:23:12,741 That was very rude. 659 00:23:12,735 --> 00:23:14,095 JULIE: You gonna call her? ARTHUR: Of course not. 660 00:23:14,104 --> 00:23:17,274 - Wait. Where’s Matthew? 661 00:23:17,273 --> 00:23:21,243 - [sobbing] 662 00:23:21,244 --> 00:23:24,454 [jazzy percussive music] 663 00:23:24,447 --> 00:23:29,087 ♪ ♪ 664 00:23:29,085 --> 00:23:31,045 - Hey, you like comedy? - No! 665 00:23:31,054 --> 00:23:33,964 - Don’t be a dick! - No! 666 00:23:33,957 --> 00:23:36,287 MAN: ♪ Thought it’d be easy ♪ 667 00:23:36,292 --> 00:23:39,132 ♪ Thought they didn’t know ♪ 668 00:23:39,129 --> 00:23:42,969 ♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪ 669 00:23:42,966 --> 00:23:44,566 ♪ ♪ 670 00:23:44,567 --> 00:23:46,637 ♪ Another way out ♪ 671 00:23:46,636 --> 00:23:49,236 ♪ Found on the way home ♪ 672 00:23:49,239 --> 00:23:50,839 ♪ Thought you were living fast ♪ 673 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,880 ♪ But you were living slow ♪ 674 00:23:53,876 --> 00:24:02,016 ♪ ♪