1
00:00:02,799 --> 00:00:04,469
‐ CBS presents a live
televised musical event,
2
00:00:04,469 --> 00:00:05,679
"Sunday in the Park
with George,"
3
00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:07,020
starring the cast of
4
00:00:07,016 --> 00:00:08,306
"The Big Bang Theory"!
5
00:00:08,310 --> 00:00:11,360
[orchestra warming up]
6
00:00:11,358 --> 00:00:12,818
♪ ♪
7
00:00:12,819 --> 00:00:14,779
‐ Resist!
‐ Impeach!
8
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:18,212
‐ Stop this abomination!
‐ Don't ruin our favorite show!
9
00:00:18,205 --> 00:00:20,125
[crowd commotion]
10
00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:22,545
‐ Fuck you, Bazinga!
‐ No Bazinga!
11
00:00:22,548 --> 00:00:25,008
[tone]
12
00:00:25,010 --> 00:00:26,680
[upbeat music]
13
00:00:26,681 --> 00:00:28,181
BILLY:
20 hours of community service
14
00:00:28,183 --> 00:00:29,983
is ridiculous for what we did.
15
00:00:29,979 --> 00:00:31,689
JULIE: If we hadn't stormed
that stage,
16
00:00:31,691 --> 00:00:33,361
people could have thought
that it reflected
17
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:34,820
Sondheim's intentions!
‐ Community service
18
00:00:34,822 --> 00:00:36,412
is so degrading.
19
00:00:36,408 --> 00:00:38,038
How do you think
Boy George got through it?
20
00:00:38,036 --> 00:00:40,666
‐ Poppers.
Hey, what time is it?
21
00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:42,917
I need to make my annual
insurance‐less pilgrimage
22
00:00:42,921 --> 00:00:44,931
to the old therapist
at my college clinic.
23
00:00:44,925 --> 00:00:46,545
‐ You still go to
the free student clinic
24
00:00:46,554 --> 00:00:48,184
for antidepressants?
25
00:00:48,181 --> 00:00:51,311
‐ Ever since I gained
my Freshman 1,500.
26
00:00:51,313 --> 00:00:53,153
You know, when Josh Gad
optioned my article,
27
00:00:53,150 --> 00:00:55,610
I thought I had a chance
at real medical care.
28
00:00:55,613 --> 00:00:58,203
But then that fell through,
and now I need my increase
29
00:00:58,201 --> 00:00:59,711
before the holiday.
30
00:00:59,705 --> 00:01:01,915
‐ Ah, yes.
The Passover Bump.
31
00:01:01,917 --> 00:01:04,507
‐ SSRIs are like my own
chemical Moses,
32
00:01:04,506 --> 00:01:06,636
getting me through
a family Seder.
33
00:01:06,636 --> 00:01:08,676
[tires screech]
‐ Hey!
34
00:01:08,681 --> 00:01:11,561
Do you two outside janitors
know where the Trump statue is?
35
00:01:11,562 --> 00:01:14,902
‐ Yeah, sure,
and we'd love to tell you.
36
00:01:14,902 --> 00:01:17,112
‐ What you're gonna wanna do
is just...
37
00:01:17,114 --> 00:01:20,124
[driving punk rock music]
38
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,420
♪ ♪
39
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,836
‐ "I waited over an hour
for my food
40
00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:28,218
"but got no help from the
elderly gay man with stubble
41
00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:31,100
"or the unhinged blond
42
00:01:31,101 --> 00:01:33,401
with a lot to say about
Area 51."
43
00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,647
‐ Fucking transphobic
Yelp reviewer!
44
00:01:35,652 --> 00:01:38,412
‐ Look, now that there's a sound
stage in the neighborhood,
45
00:01:38,407 --> 00:01:41,497
daytime TV producers
want their food fast.
46
00:01:41,496 --> 00:01:43,996
‐ Oh, God forbid Wendy Williams
or Maury's assistant
47
00:01:44,001 --> 00:01:46,841
needs to wait for their eggs.
‐ I've come up with a plan.
48
00:01:46,841 --> 00:01:48,341
It's called
the Nine‐Minute Lunch.
49
00:01:48,343 --> 00:01:49,893
‐ I think I got one of those
50
00:01:49,888 --> 00:01:51,308
in the bathroom
of the Phoenix once.
51
00:01:51,307 --> 00:01:53,187
‐ Ugh!
BOTH: Trash!
52
00:01:53,186 --> 00:01:55,016
‐ Look, lunch will be
on the table in nine minutes,
53
00:01:55,023 --> 00:01:56,573
or it's free.
54
00:01:56,569 --> 00:01:59,159
‐ Well, this is
the worst day ever.
55
00:01:59,157 --> 00:02:00,867
‐ Why? Did Joel Grey's lawyer
56
00:02:00,869 --> 00:02:02,659
serve you with another
restraining order?
57
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:05,294
Leave that bisexual
octogenarian alone.
58
00:02:05,294 --> 00:02:08,514
‐ Joke's on you:
my parents are dead!
59
00:02:08,509 --> 00:02:10,049
‐ My God, are you okay?
‐ What happened?
60
00:02:10,053 --> 00:02:11,933
‐ Is that them in those urns?
61
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,852
‐ No, I'm not okay.
62
00:02:13,853 --> 00:02:15,613
They were murdered
at Dollywood,
63
00:02:15,607 --> 00:02:18,567
and these are just
two‐for‐one vases I got on sale.
64
00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:21,491
Even in my darkest hour,
I can't pass up a bargain.
65
00:02:21,493 --> 00:02:23,713
‐ Honey, are you sure you
wanna be at work today?
66
00:02:23,706 --> 00:02:25,416
‐ Probably not.
I'm the emotional equivalent
67
00:02:25,417 --> 00:02:28,127
of bareback.
‐ Oh, he gets the day off,
68
00:02:28,131 --> 00:02:30,051
but Transarella
has to scrub the floor?
69
00:02:30,052 --> 00:02:31,852
I swear, if I have to hear
one more cis person
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00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,807
complain about their life,
I'm gonna kill myself!
71
00:02:33,810 --> 00:02:36,110
‐ Matthew, I know we're
not friends or anything.
72
00:02:36,105 --> 00:02:38,485
I know we don't even
like each other.
73
00:02:38,485 --> 00:02:41,945
But...my parents died too,
so if you ever need to‐‐
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00:02:41,951 --> 00:02:43,331
‐ Monologue?
Thank you.
75
00:02:43,328 --> 00:02:45,918
'Twas a Tuesday,
so naturally
76
00:02:45,917 --> 00:02:47,667
Meemaw and Peepaw
were down at Dollywood.
77
00:02:47,671 --> 00:02:49,801
Well, there was one last
funnel cake
78
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,850
at the Lil' Loggers
Landing ride,
79
00:02:51,846 --> 00:02:54,016
and my parents died
in the shootout.
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00:02:54,016 --> 00:02:56,306
‐ I‐I'm sorry. Do white people
usually die like this?
81
00:02:56,312 --> 00:02:57,822
BOTH: Yes.
82
00:02:57,816 --> 00:02:59,896
‐ Tennessee is
a mandatory carry state.
83
00:02:59,903 --> 00:03:02,993
And now I have to go down there
to identify the funnel cake!
84
00:03:02,993 --> 00:03:06,213
[sobbing] Does anybody
have a gun I can borrow?
85
00:03:06,207 --> 00:03:08,337
‐ Oh, hey, okay, come on.
86
00:03:08,336 --> 00:03:10,626
Come on.
You'll always be my baby.
87
00:03:10,633 --> 00:03:12,803
[baby cries]
Oh, my real baby's crying.
88
00:03:12,804 --> 00:03:14,314
[baby cries]
89
00:03:14,307 --> 00:03:16,307
Hey! Oh, you okay.
‐ Hey.
90
00:03:16,311 --> 00:03:17,941
‐ Hi.
‐ Hey, fella.
91
00:03:17,939 --> 00:03:20,029
[continue comforting baby]
‐ Like I said,
92
00:03:20,027 --> 00:03:23,737
I know we're not friends
or anything, but...
93
00:03:23,743 --> 00:03:26,213
NATE: [cooing] Yeah...
‐ This sale...
94
00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:28,705
did it include furniture?
95
00:03:28,711 --> 00:03:30,421
[Computer Magic's
"Running" plays]
96
00:03:30,422 --> 00:03:31,972
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Depression...
97
00:03:31,967 --> 00:03:34,347
it follows you everywhere
like a shadow.
98
00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:37,227
Ridshadovan treats
moderate‐to‐severe depression.
99
00:03:37,227 --> 00:03:39,777
Call your doctor if you're
experiencing suicidal thoughts
100
00:03:39,775 --> 00:03:41,985
that are dissimilar
to the suicidal thoughts
101
00:03:41,987 --> 00:03:43,527
you usually experience
day‐to‐day.
102
00:03:43,532 --> 00:03:46,082
WOMAN: ♪ In the dark...♪
103
00:03:46,079 --> 00:03:48,879
[phone vibrates]
104
00:03:48,876 --> 00:03:51,836
‐ Hey, Mom, have you heard
of Ridshadovan?
105
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:55,010
‐ Heard of them? They sent me
a mouse pad and a pubic comb.
106
00:03:55,013 --> 00:03:56,683
Now that I've had my house
renovated,
107
00:03:56,684 --> 00:03:58,734
I want everything
to look perfect.
108
00:03:58,729 --> 00:04:01,279
Speaking of that, what are you
wearing to the Seder?
109
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,655
I have some notes about
last year's outfit.
110
00:04:03,656 --> 00:04:06,076
‐ I'm an adult.
I don't dress for you.
111
00:04:06,077 --> 00:04:08,157
‐ You also don't dress
for your complexion.
112
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:09,634
Okay, here's who's coming,
and here's
113
00:04:09,626 --> 00:04:11,586
what not to
talk to them about.
114
00:04:11,588 --> 00:04:13,128
Uncle Tobey: the ACLU.
115
00:04:13,133 --> 00:04:15,053
Cousin Harry: women.
116
00:04:15,053 --> 00:04:18,143
And as for that angel
of death herself, Aunt Bonnie‐‐
117
00:04:18,143 --> 00:04:19,773
‐ Oh, shit.
What is it this year?
118
00:04:19,771 --> 00:04:21,821
‐ Her on‐again cocaine
addiction.
119
00:04:21,817 --> 00:04:24,067
‐ Ugh! Like we need that bitch
to be even more of an asshole.
120
00:04:24,071 --> 00:04:26,451
‐ God, I hate
that fuckin' bitch!
121
00:04:26,451 --> 00:04:28,581
‐ Me too. I like that
we're getting along‐‐
122
00:04:28,581 --> 00:04:30,881
‐ Moving on. Here's what
not to talk to me about.
123
00:04:30,877 --> 00:04:32,547
Number one: Arthur.
124
00:04:32,547 --> 00:04:34,257
Number two: Arthur's drinking.
MAN: Mohart?
125
00:04:34,258 --> 00:04:36,508
‐ Yes. That's me.
126
00:04:36,513 --> 00:04:39,483
Just a...17‐year‐old
127
00:04:39,477 --> 00:04:41,307
college student.
128
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:43,824
See you girls
at the quad later.
129
00:04:43,819 --> 00:04:46,829
We can talk about
vampire novels!
130
00:04:46,825 --> 00:04:48,405
Listen, here's why I'm here.
131
00:04:48,411 --> 00:04:50,501
My serotonin
is in the serotoilet,
132
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,959
and I'm gonna need you to
kick my meds up a notch.
133
00:04:52,962 --> 00:04:54,472
[clicks tongue]
‐ Oh.
134
00:04:54,465 --> 00:04:57,175
Let's see what
you're currently taking.
135
00:04:57,179 --> 00:04:59,389
Uh...
136
00:04:59,391 --> 00:05:01,941
they still make that?!
137
00:05:01,939 --> 00:05:03,649
Yikes!
138
00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:05,951
Oh, yoy, yoy.
Skimming, skimming.
139
00:05:05,947 --> 00:05:08,077
Skimming.
‐ How 'bout Ridshadovan?
140
00:05:08,076 --> 00:05:11,116
Can we add a splash of that
mixer to the cocktail?
141
00:05:11,124 --> 00:05:13,384
What do you think?
‐ Why not?
142
00:05:13,378 --> 00:05:15,928
They sent me a fanny pack
and a whoopee cushion.
143
00:05:15,925 --> 00:05:18,045
‐ Sounds legit!
144
00:05:18,054 --> 00:05:20,394
‐ [exhales]
145
00:05:20,392 --> 00:05:23,112
‐ It's, uh, Kessler.
146
00:05:23,106 --> 00:05:25,316
K‐e‐s‐s‐l‐e‐r.
147
00:05:25,318 --> 00:05:26,778
Hello!
148
00:05:31,455 --> 00:05:33,455
[gasps]
Oh, my God, she's dead.
149
00:05:35,297 --> 00:05:37,967
She died right in front of me.
150
00:05:42,729 --> 00:05:45,859
[softly] I just want
the pad...
151
00:05:46,987 --> 00:05:50,037
Fuckin' rigor mortis
setting in already!
152
00:05:50,035 --> 00:05:52,995
Why does everything bad
always happen to me?
153
00:05:52,999 --> 00:05:54,419
♪ ♪
154
00:05:54,418 --> 00:05:56,378
Have a nice day!
155
00:05:56,380 --> 00:06:00,010
[Computer Magic's
"Running" plays]
156
00:06:00,013 --> 00:06:04,233
♪ ♪
157
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:08,150
WOMAN: ♪ Can you find me ♪
158
00:06:08,154 --> 00:06:10,744
♪ In the dark? ♪
159
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:14,669
‐ This is what's called
a grab‐bag call.
160
00:06:14,668 --> 00:06:16,298
It's one audition
that we can apply
161
00:06:16,295 --> 00:06:17,835
to hundreds of opportunities.
162
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,180
There's so much content now,
163
00:06:20,178 --> 00:06:22,978
individual auditions
are just not practical.
164
00:06:22,976 --> 00:06:25,106
‐ Yeah. Everyone who used to
say, "I don't have a TV,"
165
00:06:25,105 --> 00:06:27,275
are now saying,
"There are too many shows!"
166
00:06:27,276 --> 00:06:28,486
[giggles]
167
00:06:28,486 --> 00:06:29,946
I‐I'm sorry.
168
00:06:29,948 --> 00:06:31,578
So I do this one audition,
169
00:06:31,576 --> 00:06:33,156
and then I'm eligible
for what?
170
00:06:33,162 --> 00:06:35,212
‐ Well, let's see what's
on the menu today.
171
00:06:35,208 --> 00:06:37,918
Oh, a recurring on a Seeso
crime procedural.
172
00:06:37,922 --> 00:06:40,592
‐ Seeso?
‐ It's on the computer.
173
00:06:40,594 --> 00:06:43,354
Uh, late‐night warm‐up comic.
174
00:06:43,349 --> 00:06:45,349
Kevin James's brother.
175
00:06:45,353 --> 00:06:47,443
Oh, sperm donor to my sister
176
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,901
who's gonna be my surrogate
once she pays her dog's ransom.
177
00:06:49,904 --> 00:06:51,784
‐ You kidnapped
your sister's dog?
178
00:06:51,783 --> 00:06:54,293
‐ I kidnapped my sister's dog.
179
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:56,288
I need her to be my surrogate.
180
00:06:56,292 --> 00:06:57,922
You know how many kids
she has?
181
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,880
Three.
You know how many I have?
182
00:06:59,883 --> 00:07:01,973
Minus two.
183
00:07:01,970 --> 00:07:04,140
So I'll be Charla,
you be Dave,
184
00:07:04,141 --> 00:07:06,561
and, uh, let's just
have fun with it.
185
00:07:06,563 --> 00:07:08,443
"Dave, wow...
186
00:07:08,441 --> 00:07:10,911
I thought you'd never come
visit me in the hospital."
187
00:07:10,905 --> 00:07:12,195
‐ I'm leaving you.
188
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,659
[screaming]
‐ FUCK YOU!
189
00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:15,960
‐ Hi. Welcome to
the Quiznos Clinic.
190
00:07:15,956 --> 00:07:18,036
Sandwiches or health care?
‐ Oh, I'm getting a sandwich.
191
00:07:18,044 --> 00:07:19,594
She's seeing
the psychopharmacologist.
192
00:07:19,589 --> 00:07:21,509
‐ Yeah. I have enough
Toasty Points
193
00:07:21,510 --> 00:07:23,300
to see a doctor for free.
‐ Great. He's just finishing up
194
00:07:23,304 --> 00:07:25,104
with a patient.
White or wheat?
195
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:27,730
‐ White, please, 8‐inch,
turkey ranch, and Swiss. Thanks.
196
00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:29,320
‐ Sounds good.
‐ God, I can't get over
197
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:30,606
how weird it is
that the best health care
198
00:07:30,611 --> 00:07:32,661
in New York City
is at a Quiznos.
199
00:07:32,657 --> 00:07:34,537
‐ Well ever since Trump replaced
the Department of Health
200
00:07:34,536 --> 00:07:36,666
with Jenny McCarthy's blog,
nothing makes sense.
201
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:39,245
Doctors have to do whatever
they can to earn a living.
202
00:07:39,253 --> 00:07:40,633
‐ Um, the doctor's
ready for you now.
203
00:07:40,631 --> 00:07:42,431
‐ Thanks.
‐ Have fun!
204
00:07:43,427 --> 00:07:46,637
‐ Hi.
‐ Julia Kessler?
205
00:07:46,643 --> 00:07:48,773
Uh...looking at your
blood test results,
206
00:07:48,772 --> 00:07:50,732
I assume you're here
to wean yourself off
207
00:07:50,734 --> 00:07:53,534
the toxic levels of psychotropic
meds in your body?
208
00:07:53,532 --> 00:07:55,162
‐ Wait‐‐what?
No, no, no, no, no.
209
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,910
I'm here
for more antidepressants.
210
00:07:56,913 --> 00:07:58,583
You see, Passover is coming,
211
00:07:58,584 --> 00:07:59,844
like winter on
"Game of Thrones," I assume,
212
00:07:59,836 --> 00:08:01,586
and I need more drugs
213
00:08:01,590 --> 00:08:03,380
so I can survive my family
during the holidays.
214
00:08:03,384 --> 00:08:05,894
‐ If I give you more
antidepressants, you'll die.
215
00:08:05,890 --> 00:08:08,140
Your blood
is technically a foam.
216
00:08:08,144 --> 00:08:09,694
‐ So...I‐I'm sorry.
What are you saying?
217
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:11,229
You're not gonna give me
any more drugs?
218
00:08:11,233 --> 00:08:12,243
‐ No.
219
00:08:12,235 --> 00:08:14,025
‐ Fuck you!
220
00:08:14,031 --> 00:08:17,251
[phone buzzes]
221
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,370
‐ [as Madea] Heller?
222
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,844
‐ Good afternoont!
223
00:08:20,836 --> 00:08:22,546
Billy Epstein?
Congratulations.
224
00:08:22,548 --> 00:08:25,388
You booked a role!
‐ Oh, my God! Which one?
225
00:08:25,386 --> 00:08:27,886
‐ First I need to read you
the roles you did not get,
226
00:08:27,892 --> 00:08:29,652
starting alphabetically.
227
00:08:29,646 --> 00:08:32,106
AMA Awards Red Carpet Host,
228
00:08:32,108 --> 00:08:34,028
Annette Bening's butt double‐‐
229
00:08:34,029 --> 00:08:35,369
‐ Can you just tell me
230
00:08:35,365 --> 00:08:37,035
which one I got?
‐ Interesting way
231
00:08:37,035 --> 00:08:39,455
of gathering information,
but okay, I'll bite.
232
00:08:39,456 --> 00:08:41,626
Larry Wilmore has a new
late‐night talk show,
233
00:08:41,628 --> 00:08:44,798
and you're the warm‐up comic
for his studio audience!
234
00:08:44,801 --> 00:08:47,521
‐ Okay!
[laughs] All right, amazing!
235
00:08:47,515 --> 00:08:50,805
Um...but I‐I'm sorry.
Can you tell me,
236
00:08:50,813 --> 00:08:52,653
did Annette Bening's
butt double people
237
00:08:52,650 --> 00:08:54,570
have any notes for next time?
238
00:08:54,571 --> 00:08:56,701
‐ Extended Release,
how was the doctor?
239
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:59,660
‐ Horrible. I maxed out
on antidepressants.
240
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:02,094
‐ But it's Passover.
‐ Yeah, I know.
241
00:09:02,085 --> 00:09:03,455
How am I supposed to
get through Seder
242
00:09:03,462 --> 00:09:04,882
without my little helper?
243
00:09:04,882 --> 00:09:06,432
‐ How'd you know
I was going out of town?
244
00:09:06,427 --> 00:09:08,217
‐ No, no, no, I meant
little helper,
245
00:09:08,222 --> 00:09:09,852
like slang for drugs.
246
00:09:09,851 --> 00:09:12,061
Like black beauties
or Imagine Dragons.
247
00:09:12,063 --> 00:09:13,653
Or bennies.
Bennies burritos.
248
00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:15,320
Dexies.
Dexys Midnight Runners.
249
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,490
Uppers, downers,
East Enders, skins,
250
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,660
Winonas, Puerto Rican
French fries,
251
00:09:19,662 --> 00:09:21,582
Liza with a Zs, ludes,
252
00:09:21,583 --> 00:09:23,293
Crude ludes with attitudes...
253
00:09:23,294 --> 00:09:25,014
You're going out of town?
254
00:09:25,006 --> 00:09:27,216
‐ I just found out.
‐ Jesus Christ, Arthur!
255
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:30,138
I haven't had to sit through
a family Seder by myself
256
00:09:30,141 --> 00:09:31,981
since I was a witch in college.
You know I depend on
257
00:09:31,978 --> 00:09:33,648
my mother's hatred of you
to pull focus
258
00:09:33,649 --> 00:09:35,359
off my own wrongdoings.
259
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,990
‐ And I love being your
human shield,
260
00:09:36,988 --> 00:09:38,908
but due to budget cuts,
261
00:09:38,909 --> 00:09:41,159
PBS had to relocate
all our productions.
262
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,923
‐ Please tell me
you're not going to L. A.
263
00:09:42,917 --> 00:09:45,047
‐ I wish!
Louisiana was too expensive.
264
00:09:45,046 --> 00:09:46,756
No, from here on in,
we're shooting everything
265
00:09:46,758 --> 00:09:48,468
at Burt Reynolds'
old dinner theater
266
00:09:48,469 --> 00:09:49,639
in Jupiter, Florida.
267
00:09:49,639 --> 00:09:51,389
‐ Oh, Jesus, Arthur!
268
00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:53,022
Why is this happening?
269
00:09:53,020 --> 00:09:54,650
‐ I'll be back
before you know it,
270
00:09:54,649 --> 00:09:56,439
and Billy will be at
the Seder.
271
00:09:56,443 --> 00:09:58,413
[phone buzzes]
272
00:09:58,406 --> 00:10:00,536
‐ Hey.
‐ Good news, bad news.
273
00:10:00,536 --> 00:10:01,906
I'm warming up
for Larry Wilmore,
274
00:10:01,913 --> 00:10:03,213
and I can't come to Seder.
275
00:10:03,207 --> 00:10:04,957
‐ Oh, fuck!
276
00:10:04,961 --> 00:10:06,511
Wait, which is which?
277
00:10:09,010 --> 00:10:10,810
‐ Thanks for volunteering
278
00:10:10,806 --> 00:10:12,476
at the Children's Hospital.
‐ It was mandatory,
279
00:10:12,475 --> 00:10:14,515
part of our community
service requirement.
280
00:10:14,522 --> 00:10:16,112
But it's nice to finally have
a pair of shoes that fits me.
281
00:10:16,108 --> 00:10:17,148
‐ You're gonna
brighten up some lives!
282
00:10:17,152 --> 00:10:18,242
These kids are at an age
283
00:10:18,237 --> 00:10:19,697
where they don't know yet
284
00:10:19,699 --> 00:10:21,329
to be scared of clowns.
285
00:10:21,326 --> 00:10:22,826
‐ I want a clown name,
286
00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:24,670
just a big, goofy,
harmless clown,
287
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:26,167
someone who
doesn't upset anybody,
288
00:10:26,170 --> 00:10:29,220
totally unmemorable,
no edge.
289
00:10:29,217 --> 00:10:32,017
‐ Hey, kid,
I'm Go‐Go!
290
00:10:32,015 --> 00:10:34,225
‐ And I'm Mario Lopez.
‐ [lisping] And we're here
291
00:10:34,227 --> 00:10:37,477
to make your last hours
on Earth a little sillier!
292
00:10:37,484 --> 00:10:39,034
[toot toot]
293
00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:46,880
‐ So do you have any jokes?
294
00:10:46,878 --> 00:10:48,718
‐ Maybe we can read you
some of our tweets.
295
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:50,335
‐ That's a good idea.
‐ 'Cause we've written those
296
00:10:50,343 --> 00:10:51,853
already‐‐Those are
already out there.
297
00:10:51,846 --> 00:10:53,926
‐ Yeah, exactly.
You can't steal them.
298
00:10:53,934 --> 00:10:55,984
‐ Uh...no.
‐ Too obscure.
299
00:10:55,979 --> 00:10:57,689
‐ Oh, here's one.
You know Elmo, right?
300
00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,651
Here's one about the guy
who played Elmo.
301
00:10:59,654 --> 00:11:01,624
‐ Oh, no, no.
Maybe no tweets.
302
00:11:01,616 --> 00:11:03,746
Hey, kid, um...
303
00:11:03,745 --> 00:11:06,325
how long did the doctor
give you to live?
304
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,133
‐ I have a broken leg.
305
00:11:08,128 --> 00:11:10,048
‐ From the cancer?
306
00:11:10,049 --> 00:11:12,389
‐ No. I went on a ski trip.
307
00:11:12,387 --> 00:11:14,727
‐ You're not dying?
And you're rich?
308
00:11:14,725 --> 00:11:17,055
‐ Well, fuck this!
309
00:11:17,063 --> 00:11:19,613
‐ Ooh, chocolates.
‐ Hey, that's mine.
310
00:11:19,610 --> 00:11:23,160
‐ Yeah. Come over and stop me.
311
00:11:23,158 --> 00:11:25,368
‐ Are you clowns
gonna do anything?
312
00:11:25,371 --> 00:11:27,841
‐ I'll sign your fucking cast.
313
00:11:27,835 --> 00:11:29,375
You know what we can do
314
00:11:29,379 --> 00:11:30,759
to fill the time?
‐ Hmm?
315
00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:32,547
‐ We can brainstorm some ways
316
00:11:32,553 --> 00:11:34,683
for you not to jump off
the ledge during Seder.
317
00:11:34,682 --> 00:11:38,152
‐ Okay. Non‐pharmaceutical
ways of dealing with stress.
318
00:11:38,147 --> 00:11:40,317
‐ My mom goes to our
Sausalito house sometimes
319
00:11:40,318 --> 00:11:41,988
to meditate with Oprah.
320
00:11:41,988 --> 00:11:44,118
‐ Oh, shut up, Baby Warbucks.
‐ Wait a minute.
321
00:11:44,117 --> 00:11:46,037
Meditation, though?
That's just napping, right?
322
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:47,878
I can do that!
‐ You need to get yourself
323
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,955
one of those meditation apps.
That way, you can be
324
00:11:49,962 --> 00:11:51,802
one of those people who feels
superior to other people
325
00:11:51,799 --> 00:11:54,219
because you meditate.
‐ Yes, brilliant. I'll try it.
326
00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:56,560
Great news, kid‐‐I left you
the creams and jellies
327
00:11:56,559 --> 00:11:58,099
in this chocolate assortment.
328
00:11:58,103 --> 00:11:59,773
Bad news‐‐I'm taking
the rest of it.
329
00:11:59,774 --> 00:12:02,664
Look! Mario Lopez
signed your cast.
330
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,525
[upbeat music]
331
00:12:06,955 --> 00:12:09,035
‐ No. No.
332
00:12:09,042 --> 00:12:10,712
17.99? Really?
333
00:12:10,712 --> 00:12:12,802
You still owe me 10 bucks
for "Inland Empire."
334
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,300
No. Ooh!
335
00:12:18,895 --> 00:12:20,935
‐ Hey, it's me, Danny Aiello.
336
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:23,071
Are you ready to meditate?
‐ Yeah!
337
00:12:23,070 --> 00:12:24,950
‐ What a coincidence.
So the hell am I.
338
00:12:24,949 --> 00:12:27,159
Okay, pally, do me a favor
339
00:12:27,161 --> 00:12:29,421
and get yourself
in a comfortable position
340
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,586
and take some deep breaths.
341
00:12:31,587 --> 00:12:34,717
‐ [breathing deeply]
342
00:12:34,719 --> 00:12:37,729
DANNY: There you go.
343
00:12:37,725 --> 00:12:39,765
[soft music]
344
00:12:39,770 --> 00:12:42,190
DANNY: And now, we are back.
345
00:12:42,191 --> 00:12:43,861
How do you feel?
346
00:12:43,862 --> 00:12:46,872
Pretty relaxed, huh?
Atta girl!
347
00:12:46,868 --> 00:12:50,878
Now you're all meditated,
with me, Danny Aiello.
348
00:12:50,876 --> 00:12:52,206
Bye!
349
00:12:54,299 --> 00:12:55,969
‐ Happy Passover, Mom.
350
00:12:55,969 --> 00:12:57,639
‐ Julie, why are you late?
351
00:12:57,639 --> 00:12:59,639
‐ You know, it's funny.
352
00:12:59,643 --> 00:13:02,363
I've been losing track of time
since I started meditating.
353
00:13:02,356 --> 00:13:05,356
And I've been losing money too.
Is that how that works?
354
00:13:05,362 --> 00:13:07,162
As a mental health profession‐‐
‐ Okay, enough!
355
00:13:07,158 --> 00:13:10,158
Your father is stuck
on the BQE with a fruit platter.
356
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,214
I told him to put Waze
on the phone.
357
00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:14,260
He says, "No. It takes up
too much memory."
358
00:13:14,255 --> 00:13:17,715
What's he doing on his phone,
making documentaries?
359
00:13:17,721 --> 00:13:19,141
[door closes]
360
00:13:21,938 --> 00:13:24,318
BOTH: Oh, fuck.
361
00:13:24,317 --> 00:13:26,527
‐ Hi, Aunt Bonnie!
362
00:13:26,531 --> 00:13:28,411
‐ Hi, Julie.
363
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,618
Marilyn.
364
00:13:29,620 --> 00:13:31,370
‐ Hello, Bonnie.
365
00:13:31,373 --> 00:13:33,093
You're looking very well.
366
00:13:33,085 --> 00:13:35,455
It's natural to expect
a little weight gain,
367
00:13:35,464 --> 00:13:37,054
considering all the damage
368
00:13:37,051 --> 00:13:39,351
the cocaine's done
to your metabolism.
369
00:13:39,347 --> 00:13:42,347
‐ Oh, don't worry.
I'll work it off with sex.
370
00:13:42,353 --> 00:13:44,693
You remember sex, Marilyn.
‐ Yes, I do, Bonnie.
371
00:13:44,692 --> 00:13:47,662
You never forget your little
sister's first paying job.
372
00:13:47,656 --> 00:13:49,116
‐ Oh, you dirty bitch.
373
00:13:49,117 --> 00:13:50,997
‐ Hey, come on, Lola,
374
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,666
I got two potato chip
sandwiches up for table three.
375
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:54,336
‐ I know Billy's
at his stupid new job,
376
00:13:54,335 --> 00:13:56,715
but where
the fuck is Matthew?
377
00:13:56,716 --> 00:13:59,636
‐ Matthew.
You are two hours late!
378
00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:02,438
And you look like Sal Mineo
went to a Hot Topic
379
00:14:02,435 --> 00:14:04,225
right before he was murdered.
380
00:14:04,230 --> 00:14:06,990
‐ Uh, so? I don't got
parents no more.
381
00:14:06,986 --> 00:14:08,986
So I don't gotta do nothin'
nobody says.
382
00:14:08,990 --> 00:14:10,700
I had candy for breakfast
this morning.
383
00:14:10,702 --> 00:14:12,622
I don't even give a care!
384
00:14:12,623 --> 00:14:14,293
‐ Is this about you
losing your parents?
385
00:14:14,292 --> 00:14:15,922
That happened on Tuesday.
386
00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,721
You're milking this
like it had titties!
387
00:14:17,716 --> 00:14:19,546
And, yeah, as a transwoman,
388
00:14:19,553 --> 00:14:22,683
I can engage in provocative
biological discourse.
389
00:14:22,684 --> 00:14:25,314
‐ This is insane!
Nine‐Minute Lunch, my ass!
390
00:14:25,314 --> 00:14:27,444
Like, where is my cold cut
and grape salad?
391
00:14:27,443 --> 00:14:29,033
‐ All right, all right.
Matthew.
392
00:14:29,030 --> 00:14:30,490
‐ Mattman.
393
00:14:30,491 --> 00:14:32,541
‐ Mattman,
we know you're upset,
394
00:14:32,537 --> 00:14:34,327
but we need you to help out.
395
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:35,752
Do you think
you could wait some tables?
396
00:14:35,752 --> 00:14:38,222
‐ You're not my father!
397
00:14:38,215 --> 00:14:40,175
‐ Oh, my God.
398
00:14:40,177 --> 00:14:42,807
What are we supposed to do
about our out‐of‐control teen?
399
00:14:42,808 --> 00:14:44,808
MAN: Excuse me.
400
00:14:44,812 --> 00:14:46,572
I've waited more than
ten minutes
401
00:14:46,565 --> 00:14:48,185
for my carrot
wrapped in salami,
402
00:14:48,193 --> 00:14:50,873
so I guess that means
I get a free meal.
403
00:14:50,865 --> 00:14:53,365
♪ ♪
404
00:14:53,370 --> 00:14:55,500
‐ Hey, Facebook Live,
it's Billy.
405
00:14:55,499 --> 00:14:57,499
I am coming to you
from the set of my new‐‐
406
00:14:57,503 --> 00:15:00,013
Oh, 'scuse me‐‐
My new comedy job.
407
00:15:00,009 --> 00:15:02,509
I am doing comedy for
one of the funniest Larrys
408
00:15:02,514 --> 00:15:05,394
of all time.
Not David. Not Sanders.
409
00:15:05,394 --> 00:15:07,774
Not even Miller.
But Wilmore!
410
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,904
Wilmore! Larry Wilmore!
411
00:15:09,903 --> 00:15:12,243
‐ Yes, I am.
‐ Oh, my God, Larry, hey.
412
00:15:12,241 --> 00:15:14,201
I'm Billy.
I'm the new warm‐up comic.
413
00:15:14,203 --> 00:15:16,713
I was a huge fan of "The
Nightly Show," I really was.
414
00:15:16,709 --> 00:15:18,459
‐ Yeah, well, this is
a little different.
415
00:15:18,462 --> 00:15:20,592
I'm doing everything
the network tells me to do
416
00:15:20,592 --> 00:15:23,772
for those high ratings.
I just want to stay on the air.
417
00:15:23,765 --> 00:15:25,635
Let me tell you what
America loves on TV.
418
00:15:25,643 --> 00:15:27,613
Party games with celebrities,
419
00:15:27,606 --> 00:15:29,566
and interviews with
precocious little kids
420
00:15:29,568 --> 00:15:31,278
by black men over 40.
421
00:15:31,279 --> 00:15:32,659
‐ You're right.
Steve Harvey.
422
00:15:32,657 --> 00:15:34,487
Bill Cosby.
423
00:15:34,494 --> 00:15:36,464
‐ Bill Cosby?
‐ When it comes to doing
424
00:15:36,456 --> 00:15:38,206
"the darndest things"...
425
00:15:38,210 --> 00:15:40,380
‐ You think drugging women
and having sex with them
426
00:15:40,380 --> 00:15:42,550
while they're asleep
is a..."darndest thing"?
427
00:15:42,552 --> 00:15:44,602
‐ It's not not the darndest.
428
00:15:44,598 --> 00:15:46,428
‐ No. No, it's not.
‐ Why don't we
429
00:15:46,434 --> 00:15:48,564
leave Larry alone for a sec.
‐ Sure, yeah.
430
00:15:48,564 --> 00:15:50,614
Oh, my God,
I can't believe this.
431
00:15:50,610 --> 00:15:52,240
Two days ago, I was
serving mozzarella sticks,
432
00:15:52,238 --> 00:15:53,948
and now I am rifting
with Larry Wilmore!
433
00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:56,080
This is crazy!
I have a question, by the way.
434
00:15:56,079 --> 00:15:57,869
Do I do my stand‐up
right at the top?
435
00:15:57,874 --> 00:15:59,094
Because I have
a tight 15 minutes
436
00:15:59,085 --> 00:16:00,625
about a loose Kevin Spacey.
437
00:16:00,630 --> 00:16:02,930
‐ Hey, don't worry about
your "stand‐up."
438
00:16:02,926 --> 00:16:05,256
Your job is to psych up
those people.
439
00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:07,274
Come over here, clown.
440
00:16:07,268 --> 00:16:09,058
Look at this.
See this?
441
00:16:09,063 --> 00:16:12,153
This is a CD. This is for
the booty‐shaking contest.
442
00:16:12,153 --> 00:16:14,663
This is a cannon
that shoots out T‐shirts.
443
00:16:14,658 --> 00:16:16,198
‐ Okay.
‐ These are the T‐shirts.
444
00:16:16,202 --> 00:16:17,752
Guess where they go?
‐ In the cannon.
445
00:16:17,747 --> 00:16:19,377
‐ In the cannon.
What is this right here?
446
00:16:19,375 --> 00:16:21,085
These are snacks for those
animals up there.
447
00:16:21,087 --> 00:16:22,717
And these are the two
most important things.
448
00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:24,466
This is the prank call
templates,
449
00:16:24,468 --> 00:16:26,598
and these are
the clapter suggestions.
450
00:16:26,599 --> 00:16:28,559
‐ I'm sorry..."clapter"?
451
00:16:28,561 --> 00:16:30,571
‐ Clapter. That's when one of
your jokes doesn't work,
452
00:16:30,565 --> 00:16:32,685
you don't get a laugh, you
say something very obvious
453
00:16:32,694 --> 00:16:34,624
that everyone understands
is correct.
454
00:16:34,615 --> 00:16:36,275
That way,
at least you get applause.
455
00:16:36,284 --> 00:16:37,914
‐ Oh. So basically
the show bible
456
00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:39,043
for "Real Time With
Bill Maher."
457
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,290
‐ Don't riff!
458
00:16:40,292 --> 00:16:41,922
‐ Welcome to Seder, everybody.
459
00:16:41,921 --> 00:16:43,301
Happy Passover!
460
00:16:43,298 --> 00:16:45,178
ALL: Happy Passover.
461
00:16:45,177 --> 00:16:47,307
‐ Happy Passover.
ARTHUR: Hello, Marilyn.
462
00:16:47,306 --> 00:16:49,516
So glad I could be here
from the other promised land‐‐
463
00:16:49,519 --> 00:16:50,899
Jupiter, Florida.
464
00:16:50,897 --> 00:16:52,107
[booming explosion]
465
00:16:52,107 --> 00:16:53,607
‐ What was that?
[gunfire]
466
00:16:53,611 --> 00:16:55,571
‐ Since I landed in Florida,
467
00:16:55,573 --> 00:16:58,083
there's been a steady stream of
gunfire and explosions.
468
00:16:58,078 --> 00:17:01,498
Judi...viewers...Bush!
469
00:17:01,501 --> 00:17:04,171
‐ Is he really doing that,
or am I just detoxing?
470
00:17:04,173 --> 00:17:05,683
‐ Both.
That'll do, pig.
471
00:17:05,677 --> 00:17:07,097
ARTHUR: Hello!
472
00:17:07,096 --> 00:17:08,556
Can you hear...
[voice muted]
473
00:17:08,557 --> 00:17:10,227
‐ Can we please start
the Seder?
474
00:17:10,227 --> 00:17:11,647
The sooner we start,
the sooner we get to eat.
475
00:17:11,647 --> 00:17:13,477
‐ Oh, Julie, please, just eat.
476
00:17:13,483 --> 00:17:15,243
I mean, who could blame you
for stuffing your face
477
00:17:15,237 --> 00:17:17,527
when you got a mess
of a mother like that?
478
00:17:17,534 --> 00:17:19,294
‐ Don't you tell me
why my daughter overeats.
479
00:17:19,287 --> 00:17:21,327
I'll tell you why my
daughter overeats.
480
00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:22,962
Impulse control.
‐ Impulse control?
481
00:17:22,961 --> 00:17:25,931
‐ That's right.
‐ I call it neglect!
482
00:17:25,925 --> 00:17:28,635
Everything about her
is screaming, "Look at me!
483
00:17:28,639 --> 00:17:31,019
Look at me!"
‐ My parenting has absolutely
484
00:17:31,019 --> 00:17:34,069
nothing to do with her
desperate need of attention!
485
00:17:34,066 --> 00:17:35,946
‐ Denial.
‐ What do you know about kids
486
00:17:35,945 --> 00:17:37,275
The only kids you know
487
00:17:37,281 --> 00:17:38,701
are the ones you've blown!
488
00:17:38,701 --> 00:17:40,961
‐ Seacrest out.
489
00:17:44,170 --> 00:17:45,170
‐ What's going on with Mattman?
490
00:17:45,172 --> 00:17:46,802
‐ Well, Maury,
491
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,510
Matthew used to be
the sweetest boy.
492
00:17:48,512 --> 00:17:51,062
But, you know,
this last one day
493
00:17:51,059 --> 00:17:52,899
has just been a nightmare.
494
00:17:52,896 --> 00:17:54,976
ALL: Aw!
‐ Well, maybe we can
495
00:17:54,983 --> 00:17:57,573
end this nightmare right now.
496
00:17:57,572 --> 00:17:59,492
Mattman, come on out!
497
00:17:59,492 --> 00:18:01,582
[crowd booing]
‐ You don't know me!
498
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,670
You don't know me!
I do what I want.
499
00:18:03,668 --> 00:18:05,798
You can't handle all this!
500
00:18:05,797 --> 00:18:07,417
MAURY: Sit down, sit down.
MAN: Shut up!
501
00:18:07,424 --> 00:18:09,434
‐ Mattman, you think
it's neat to be rude?
502
00:18:09,428 --> 00:18:11,928
It's not neat.
‐ I think it's neat as fuck.
503
00:18:11,934 --> 00:18:13,604
I don't got parents no more,
so I decide
504
00:18:13,604 --> 00:18:15,614
what the fuck to do,
what the fuck I want.
505
00:18:15,608 --> 00:18:18,528
[all booing]
Oh...boo!
506
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,411
‐ Denise, you wanna
tell him something?
507
00:18:20,409 --> 00:18:22,829
‐ Matthew...
508
00:18:22,831 --> 00:18:26,211
yes...there's an addition
to our family.
509
00:18:26,212 --> 00:18:27,802
There's a new ingénue,
510
00:18:27,799 --> 00:18:30,679
but you will always be
my Broadway baby.
511
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:32,560
CROWD: Aw!
512
00:18:32,559 --> 00:18:35,939
‐ You gotta think about
the 1989 revival of "Gypsy."
513
00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:38,900
Yes, Linda Lavin
was a great replacement,
514
00:18:38,904 --> 00:18:44,044
but Tyne Daley is on
the cast album, right?
515
00:18:44,875 --> 00:18:46,795
‐ Thank you for putting it
in my terms.
516
00:18:48,339 --> 00:18:50,429
I'm gonna kill that baby.
‐ Wait‐‐What?
517
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:55,774
‐ Uh...okay, party people.
518
00:18:55,772 --> 00:18:58,612
How 'bout a prank
phone call?
519
00:18:58,611 --> 00:19:00,321
‐ It's just gonna go
to voice mail.
520
00:19:00,322 --> 00:19:02,832
No one picks up
their phone anymore.
521
00:19:02,827 --> 00:19:05,117
[crowd boos]
522
00:19:05,123 --> 00:19:07,043
‐ What's up with the crowd, man?
They're acting like
523
00:19:07,044 --> 00:19:09,094
I didn't just play
beer pong with Joan Didion.
524
00:19:09,089 --> 00:19:11,339
‐ That segment was terrific.
And just so you know,
525
00:19:11,344 --> 00:19:13,224
the medic on the set,
she said that she can
526
00:19:13,223 --> 00:19:15,063
absolutely reattach
that finger.
527
00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:16,810
‐ Yeah, all right, whatever.
But I think we made
528
00:19:16,814 --> 00:19:18,534
a big mistake
with this warm‐up guy.
529
00:19:18,526 --> 00:19:20,566
‐ [under breath]
Oh, fuck.
530
00:19:20,571 --> 00:19:22,161
God, they hate me.
531
00:19:22,157 --> 00:19:24,867
Uh...all right,
time for some clapter.
532
00:19:24,871 --> 00:19:27,171
Uh...
533
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,627
Okay, guys, so, um,
534
00:19:29,631 --> 00:19:32,301
you know, Osama Bin Laden
is still dead.
535
00:19:32,302 --> 00:19:34,932
[applause]
536
00:19:34,933 --> 00:19:36,853
And, uh, let me just ask you.
537
00:19:36,854 --> 00:19:40,114
How many of you here
hate AIDS?
538
00:19:40,110 --> 00:19:42,620
[applause]
539
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:45,075
And now the easiest
clapter of all‐‐
540
00:19:45,078 --> 00:19:48,078
give it up for Larry Wilmore!
541
00:19:48,084 --> 00:19:50,974
[cheers and applause]
542
00:19:50,965 --> 00:19:52,965
You know, it's great
that Larry has a new show,
543
00:19:52,969 --> 00:19:55,559
because nobody watched
his old show.
544
00:19:55,558 --> 00:19:57,518
[laughter]
545
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,610
Oh...ha ha.
Maybe I should riff.
546
00:19:59,608 --> 00:20:02,278
Right? I mean, Larry
always kept it 100.
547
00:20:02,279 --> 00:20:05,079
Unfortunately, he kept it
at 100 viewers.
548
00:20:05,076 --> 00:20:06,746
[laughter, applause]
549
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:10,207
‐ [softly]
You used my own...words
550
00:20:10,211 --> 00:20:12,511
to slam me?
551
00:20:12,508 --> 00:20:15,428
He's using my words
to slam me.
552
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:18,230
‐ Uh, Hey, Larry,
will more people
553
00:20:18,227 --> 00:20:19,937
watch your new show?
554
00:20:19,940 --> 00:20:21,530
[laughter, applause]
555
00:20:21,526 --> 00:20:23,236
‐ I'm gonna fucking
kill that guy.
556
00:20:23,237 --> 00:20:25,577
‐ Relax. Remember what
Danny Aiello taught you?
557
00:20:25,576 --> 00:20:27,156
‐ Yes. Breathe.
‐ All right.
558
00:20:27,162 --> 00:20:28,672
This next segment
is bulletproof.
559
00:20:28,666 --> 00:20:30,206
You talk to a kid.
It's very easy.
560
00:20:30,210 --> 00:20:31,800
‐ I got it, I got it.
‐ You got it?
561
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,837
All right,
we're back in three, two...
562
00:20:33,842 --> 00:20:36,602
[show theme plays]
563
00:20:36,598 --> 00:20:38,428
‐ Hey, all right.
564
00:20:38,434 --> 00:20:40,524
This next
totally original segment
565
00:20:40,523 --> 00:20:44,243
is called Little Kids Say
Dumb Things to Big shot Larry.
566
00:20:44,238 --> 00:20:47,578
So everybody please help me
welcome Mikey Blazina!
567
00:20:47,578 --> 00:20:49,328
♪ ♪
568
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,421
Hey, how's it going?
569
00:20:51,419 --> 00:20:54,009
♪ ♪
570
00:20:54,008 --> 00:20:55,928
‐ Oh, fuck.
571
00:20:55,928 --> 00:20:58,218
‐ Hey, Mario Lopez!
572
00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:00,604
‐ Check it out, audience.
573
00:21:00,604 --> 00:21:02,984
He's already saying
some dumb shit.
574
00:21:02,984 --> 00:21:06,074
‐ That clown wrote on my
leg cast that I was gay,
575
00:21:06,073 --> 00:21:07,993
so the kids at school
beat me up,
576
00:21:07,994 --> 00:21:09,964
and now I have this arm cast!
577
00:21:09,956 --> 00:21:12,376
‐ Who, the "not funny T‐shirt
giving out motherfucker"
578
00:21:12,377 --> 00:21:14,087
over there?
‐ And he ruined
579
00:21:14,089 --> 00:21:15,759
"Bazinga in the Park
with George"!
580
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:17,890
AUDIENCE: OH!
‐ He what?
581
00:21:17,889 --> 00:21:20,389
Tell the set medic
to leave the premises
582
00:21:20,393 --> 00:21:22,063
with Joan Didion's
frozen finger.
583
00:21:22,064 --> 00:21:24,404
I want this piece of shit
to bleed to death
584
00:21:24,401 --> 00:21:26,281
while I punch his teeth out.
585
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:27,700
[crowd commotion]
586
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:30,330
[Billy moaning]
[applause]
587
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:31,670
BILLY: Ohh!
588
00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:34,586
MAN: Whoo‐hoo‐hoo!
589
00:21:34,589 --> 00:21:37,969
‐ You want a T‐shirt?
Beg, motherfucker!
590
00:21:37,970 --> 00:21:39,680
[mellow music]
591
00:21:39,682 --> 00:21:42,232
DANNY: Okay, pally,
do me a solid.
592
00:21:42,229 --> 00:21:45,949
Ask yourself...
what are you afraid of?
593
00:21:45,945 --> 00:21:47,985
‐ My mother.
DANNY: What's in the way
594
00:21:47,990 --> 00:21:49,950
of your happiness?
‐ My mother.
595
00:21:49,953 --> 00:21:51,873
DANNY: Well, I got news
for you, friendo.
596
00:21:51,873 --> 00:21:54,463
You gotta become the thing
that's getting in your way.
597
00:21:54,461 --> 00:21:56,171
‐ But I'm afraid of
becoming my mother.
598
00:21:56,173 --> 00:21:58,513
DANNY: It's time to swim
through the pain.
599
00:21:58,512 --> 00:22:00,522
Now, I don't know how to swim.
600
00:22:00,516 --> 00:22:03,766
Marty Scorsese said
that's why he never cast me
601
00:22:03,772 --> 00:22:05,572
in any of his movies.
602
00:22:05,568 --> 00:22:07,198
But I know he was lying.
603
00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:08,655
[shouting]
What does he fuckin' make,
604
00:22:08,657 --> 00:22:10,867
Esther Williams movies?
605
00:22:10,870 --> 00:22:13,960
Now...that you're good
and relaxed,
606
00:22:13,959 --> 00:22:17,049
write down my routing number.
607
00:22:17,048 --> 00:22:19,138
♪ ♪
608
00:22:19,136 --> 00:22:21,806
‐ Hey.
‐ Bonnie? What the hell!
609
00:22:21,808 --> 00:22:24,648
‐ I saw you duck in here,
all stressed out.
610
00:22:24,647 --> 00:22:26,147
Now, come on.
611
00:22:26,150 --> 00:22:28,860
Give your Aunt Bonnie
a nice, fat line
612
00:22:28,864 --> 00:22:32,124
of that tasty kosher
for Passover booger sugar.
613
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:33,870
‐ What the hell is wrong
with you?
614
00:22:33,874 --> 00:22:35,714
You can't get through
one meal without drugs?
615
00:22:35,711 --> 00:22:37,631
‐ Your mother drove me
to it.
616
00:22:37,632 --> 00:22:39,722
‐ I get it.
I completely relate.
617
00:22:39,719 --> 00:22:43,059
But...you know what?
Maybe it's time for us
618
00:22:43,059 --> 00:22:45,899
to become the thing
that's getting in our way.
619
00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:47,898
‐ We already opened the door
for Elijah.
620
00:22:47,902 --> 00:22:50,412
Where were you, Julie?
‐ Oh, just upstairs,
621
00:22:50,406 --> 00:22:53,406
helping out, being the selfless
daughter I always am.
622
00:22:53,412 --> 00:22:56,502
By the way, dear,
I had some notes
623
00:22:56,502 --> 00:22:58,882
about the blouse
you chose to wear tonight.
624
00:22:58,882 --> 00:23:00,432
I'm concerned it's not
the most flattering
625
00:23:00,426 --> 00:23:02,256
to your...bra fat area.
626
00:23:02,264 --> 00:23:04,774
‐ I'm an adult.
I don't dress for you.
627
00:23:04,769 --> 00:23:07,149
‐ What's that? I couldn't hear
you over all the makeup.
628
00:23:07,148 --> 00:23:09,818
‐ Lorna, would you pass whatever
food is in front of you?
629
00:23:09,821 --> 00:23:12,411
‐ Please be careful.
Small bites.
630
00:23:12,409 --> 00:23:13,999
Try to exercise
some impulse control.
631
00:23:13,996 --> 00:23:15,576
‐ I'm sorry.
632
00:23:15,582 --> 00:23:17,212
God, I'm the worst.
633
00:23:17,210 --> 00:23:18,880
‐ What are you two,
"Freaky Fridaying"?
634
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,220
You know...I once made
Barbara Harris watch
635
00:23:22,220 --> 00:23:24,560
while I blew her husband.
636
00:23:24,559 --> 00:23:28,019
‐ And on that note,
so ends another Passover.
637
00:23:28,024 --> 00:23:29,744
Oh, by the way,
638
00:23:29,736 --> 00:23:32,196
your friend in the computer
needs help.
639
00:23:32,198 --> 00:23:34,118
[no sound]
JULIE: Wait a minute.
640
00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:37,039
It's over?
I survived the Seder?
641
00:23:37,042 --> 00:23:39,842
Mom, Danny Aiello
was my Passover Bump!
642
00:23:39,839 --> 00:23:41,969
‐ [gasps]
‐ Aah!
643
00:23:41,968 --> 00:23:44,218
She's found me!
My depression has found me!
644
00:23:44,222 --> 00:23:46,812
‐ Who the hell are you?
‐ You can see her too?
645
00:23:46,811 --> 00:23:48,901
‐ Damn it, Flipper,
I told you to text me
646
00:23:48,899 --> 00:23:50,899
when you were around the corner.
647
00:23:50,903 --> 00:23:54,243
‐ Bonnie, is that your drug
dealer that you invited here?
648
00:23:54,242 --> 00:23:57,832
‐ No. She happens to be
my tennis instructor.
649
00:23:57,833 --> 00:24:00,843
‐ Bullshit! I've seen you at my
old college campus downtown.
650
00:24:00,839 --> 00:24:03,719
‐ Probably. I sell a lot
of drugs to students.
651
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:05,220
You want my pager number?
652
00:24:05,223 --> 00:24:07,943
‐ Get the fuck outta here.
Go! Go!
653
00:24:07,937 --> 00:24:09,937
BONNIE: Come on.
BOTH: Trash.
654
00:24:09,941 --> 00:24:12,701
‐ I'm sorry the holidays
have to be so difficult.
655
00:24:12,696 --> 00:24:15,656
‐ Me too. But we can
agree on one thing, though.
656
00:24:15,661 --> 00:24:18,171
Aunt Bonnie is a total
waste of space.
657
00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:21,545
‐ A true human dumpster.
658
00:24:21,548 --> 00:24:23,338
JULIE: Wanna finish those
macaroons?
659
00:24:23,342 --> 00:24:25,512
MARILYN: I sure do.
‐ One more thing.
660
00:24:25,514 --> 00:24:28,194
If a couple of guys
show up asking for me‐‐
661
00:24:28,185 --> 00:24:31,815
Javier and his cousin Carlos,
both about 19‐‐
662
00:24:31,818 --> 00:24:33,858
tell them to meet me
at the Days Inn
663
00:24:33,864 --> 00:24:36,294
near JFK
and bring the poppers
664
00:24:36,285 --> 00:24:38,115
but forget the rubbers.
665
00:24:38,122 --> 00:24:40,132
Happy Passover.
666
00:24:40,126 --> 00:24:41,956
‐ Never brag on social media
667
00:24:41,963 --> 00:24:44,683
about a job
you haven't started yet.
668
00:24:44,677 --> 00:24:47,307
What are our fake friends
saying online?
669
00:24:47,307 --> 00:24:49,557
‐ "Hey, asshole, I hear
your new job's a hit.
670
00:24:49,562 --> 00:24:51,982
In the face.
From Larry Wilmore."
671
00:24:51,983 --> 00:24:54,863
‐ How 'bout you? You're gonna
continue meditating?
672
00:24:54,864 --> 00:24:57,494
‐ No, I don't think so.
I mean, yes, it really helped.
673
00:24:57,494 --> 00:24:59,504
But then I was going through
my bank statement,
674
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:00,998
and I realized
I was hypnotized
675
00:25:01,001 --> 00:25:04,221
into sending Danny Aiello
nearly $700.
676
00:25:04,216 --> 00:25:06,756
‐ Ugh! God, our lives suck.
677
00:25:06,763 --> 00:25:09,813
‐ At least after this,
our community service is over.
678
00:25:09,810 --> 00:25:11,690
In the middle of fuckin'
nowhere.
679
00:25:11,689 --> 00:25:14,189
‐ "Big Fuckin' Bang!"
680
00:25:14,194 --> 00:25:15,404
‐ Hey!
‐ Hey!
681
00:25:16,658 --> 00:25:18,238
[car horns honk]
BOTH: Hey!
682
00:25:18,244 --> 00:25:19,964
‐ Fuck you!
‐ Fuck you,
683
00:25:19,956 --> 00:25:22,206
"Big Bang" piece of shit!
‐ I got news for you.
684
00:25:22,210 --> 00:25:24,210
Bazinga ruined Bazinga!
685
00:25:24,214 --> 00:25:26,344
SINGERS: ♪ Oh ♪
686
00:25:26,343 --> 00:25:28,893
♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
687
00:25:28,890 --> 00:25:31,520
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
688
00:25:31,521 --> 00:25:35,191
♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪
689
00:25:35,194 --> 00:25:36,614
♪ ♪
690
00:25:36,614 --> 00:25:39,044
♪ Another way out ♪
691
00:25:39,035 --> 00:25:41,575
♪ Found on the way home ♪
692
00:25:41,583 --> 00:25:43,253
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
693
00:25:43,252 --> 00:25:45,512
♪ But you were living slow ♪
694
00:25:45,507 --> 00:25:51,767
♪ ♪