1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:03,090
‐ A statement and a question:
2
00:00:03,088 --> 00:00:04,758
I have to pee, and how
are things with you and Todd?
3
00:00:04,759 --> 00:00:06,259
‐ I think it's good.
I started introducing him
4
00:00:06,261 --> 00:00:08,141
to the Denise Richards
film canon.
5
00:00:08,140 --> 00:00:09,810
Last night, we watched
"Madea's Witness Protection."
6
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:12,940
‐ Oh, I'm happy for you‐‐
or as happy as I can be.
7
00:00:12,940 --> 00:00:14,690
I've been feeling
like shit lately.
8
00:00:14,693 --> 00:00:16,493
Oh! A pizza place.
9
00:00:16,488 --> 00:00:18,118
They have to let me
use their bathroom.
10
00:00:18,117 --> 00:00:19,697
And eat their pizza.
At different times.
11
00:00:19,704 --> 00:00:21,584
Ha, look at me.
I'm the queen of England.
12
00:00:21,581 --> 00:00:23,041
Hey, where's your restroom?
13
00:00:23,043 --> 00:00:24,633
‐ Sorry. Employees only.
14
00:00:24,629 --> 00:00:27,009
‐ But...I'm pregnant.
15
00:00:27,009 --> 00:00:28,259
‐ Yeah, she's pregnant.
16
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,522
‐ You are?
17
00:00:30,516 --> 00:00:32,896
Oh, of course you are.
‐ Okay.
18
00:00:32,896 --> 00:00:35,066
‐ It's in the basement.
Let me help you down the stairs.
19
00:00:35,067 --> 00:00:36,567
‐ Hey, be careful with my wife
on those stairs.
20
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:37,780
We want to keep it this time.
21
00:00:37,781 --> 00:00:39,581
‐ Aw, sweetie.
22
00:00:39,576 --> 00:00:40,786
‐ Just, please, be careful.
23
00:00:40,787 --> 00:00:42,077
‐ Hey, let go of me!
24
00:00:42,081 --> 00:00:43,791
‐ [groans]
25
00:00:45,171 --> 00:00:47,091
‐ Are you dead?
26
00:00:47,091 --> 00:00:49,301
‐ [moans]
27
00:00:49,304 --> 00:00:53,354
‐ Okay, I'm gonna take that as,
"I'm fine, pee somewhere else,
28
00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:54,823
and steal some garlic knots
on your way out."
29
00:00:54,815 --> 00:00:56,605
‐ I am way ahead of you.
30
00:00:56,610 --> 00:00:59,620
[driving punk rock music]
31
00:00:59,616 --> 00:01:01,196
♪ ♪
32
00:01:01,203 --> 00:01:04,843
‐ Snapple Facts,
it's 3:00 in the morning.
33
00:01:04,835 --> 00:01:07,255
You've been watching
"Criminal Minds" for six hours?
34
00:01:07,256 --> 00:01:10,466
‐ My depression has reached
procedural marathon levels.
35
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:13,271
This one isn't so bad, though,
for a No Paget.
36
00:01:13,268 --> 00:01:14,808
‐ A No Paget?
37
00:01:14,814 --> 00:01:16,114
‐ Yeah, Paget Brewster
keeps leaving
38
00:01:16,107 --> 00:01:17,487
"Criminal Minds"
and coming back.
39
00:01:17,485 --> 00:01:19,315
I read an interview
with her.
40
00:01:19,322 --> 00:01:21,162
She said she kept coming back
to "Criminal Minds"
41
00:01:21,159 --> 00:01:23,159
because that's when she was
happiest in her life.
42
00:01:23,163 --> 00:01:25,293
I just wonder
what my "Criminal Minds" is.
43
00:01:25,292 --> 00:01:27,342
‐ May I ask you your advice
on a work issue?
44
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:30,468
As you know, every PBS show
ends with us
45
00:01:30,469 --> 00:01:33,019
thanking Viewers Like You
for their donations.
46
00:01:33,016 --> 00:01:34,726
‐ You're assuming
I've ever made it
47
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,278
to the end of a PBS show,
but okay, keep going.
48
00:01:37,275 --> 00:01:38,985
‐ So I pitched to Gaby
that we should write
49
00:01:38,987 --> 00:01:40,777
personalized thank‐you notes
to the viewers.
50
00:01:40,782 --> 00:01:42,952
She told me not to,
but they account
51
00:01:42,953 --> 00:01:45,003
for 60%
of our operating costs.
52
00:01:44,999 --> 00:01:46,999
So I'm facing
a moral conundrum:
53
00:01:47,003 --> 00:01:48,673
should I write
the thank‐you notes anyway?
54
00:01:48,673 --> 00:01:50,933
‐ That's your moral conundrum?
55
00:01:50,927 --> 00:01:53,467
I once shoplifted someone's
seizure medication
56
00:01:53,473 --> 00:01:55,023
because I wanted the bottle.
57
00:01:55,019 --> 00:01:56,859
‐ Fudge it.
58
00:01:56,856 --> 00:02:00,146
Gonna be a bad boy and write
those thank‐you notes.
59
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:02,914
Are you a little turned on?
60
00:02:03,911 --> 00:02:06,421
Yeah. Oh.
61
00:02:06,416 --> 00:02:08,296
[music playing on TV]
62
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:12,135
‐ And that, my friend,
is "Blue Lagoon: The Awakening."
63
00:02:12,136 --> 00:02:14,136
‐ Denise Richards
was barely in it.
64
00:02:14,140 --> 00:02:15,690
‐ And yet somehow it feels like
65
00:02:15,685 --> 00:02:17,475
she still was in it
a bit too much.
66
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,480
I'll see you tomorrow?
67
00:02:21,071 --> 00:02:22,491
‐ Or you could stay the night.
68
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:25,250
‐ A sleepover?
[chuckles]
69
00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:27,455
We've only been dating
a couple of months.
70
00:02:27,458 --> 00:02:29,958
‐ Oh, Billy.
Who hurt you?
71
00:02:29,964 --> 00:02:31,514
‐ Fine.
72
00:02:31,508 --> 00:02:33,098
Let's do it.
73
00:02:33,095 --> 00:02:34,255
‐ Sleepover.
74
00:02:34,263 --> 00:02:37,523
[upbeat music]
75
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,230
MAN: ♪ This is it ♪
76
00:02:39,232 --> 00:02:40,902
♪ Tonight's the night ♪
77
00:02:40,902 --> 00:02:43,162
♪ The curtain's closed ♪
78
00:02:43,156 --> 00:02:44,986
♪ We'll be all right ♪
79
00:02:44,994 --> 00:02:48,674
‐ Well, in the immortal words
of Anjelica Huston's
80
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,498
dance coach on "Smash,"
81
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,554
I'm sorry,
this is just not working.
82
00:02:53,552 --> 00:02:55,772
‐ So you didn't get any sleep
at all?
83
00:02:55,765 --> 00:02:57,225
‐ No. I felt like I was seven
84
00:02:57,226 --> 00:02:59,186
and needed my mom
to come pick me up
85
00:02:59,188 --> 00:03:01,688
'cause I got scared watching
"Twilight Zone: The Movie."
86
00:03:01,694 --> 00:03:03,164
‐ What do you think John Landis'
87
00:03:03,155 --> 00:03:04,735
worst contribution
to society is:
88
00:03:04,742 --> 00:03:07,752
his alleged manslaughter
or his son, Max?
89
00:03:07,748 --> 00:03:09,538
‐ [sighs] So this weekend,
90
00:03:09,542 --> 00:03:11,592
we're gonna try to find
some neutral territory.
91
00:03:11,588 --> 00:03:14,008
One of his clients is this big,
fancy hotel in Times Square,
92
00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:16,260
so we're gonna have us
a little staycation.
93
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,024
‐ Ooh, I love everything
about that‐‐
94
00:03:18,018 --> 00:03:20,608
except Times Square
and the word "staycation."
95
00:03:20,606 --> 00:03:23,356
‐ So as long as I'm taking
this big swing at intimacy,
96
00:03:23,361 --> 00:03:25,741
I figured I also might as well
Airbnb my place.
97
00:03:25,742 --> 00:03:27,752
If things go wrong,
at least I can overcharge
98
00:03:27,746 --> 00:03:30,166
some stupid tourists by 400%.
99
00:03:30,167 --> 00:03:31,837
‐ Sit anywhere.
Question everything.
100
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,837
Specials on the board.
‐ Julie!
101
00:03:33,841 --> 00:03:36,101
I have a meeting
with my book editor,
102
00:03:36,095 --> 00:03:38,385
and I need your permission
to print some photos
103
00:03:38,391 --> 00:03:39,981
that you happen to be in.
104
00:03:39,978 --> 00:03:42,728
‐ Mom, this is literally
what email is for.
105
00:03:42,734 --> 00:03:43,994
‐ Okay, what about this one?
106
00:03:43,986 --> 00:03:46,276
‐ No, you can't print that!
107
00:03:46,282 --> 00:03:48,372
I don't need anybody knowing
I went on a Disney cruise
108
00:03:48,370 --> 00:03:50,170
with my mom when I was 22.
109
00:03:50,165 --> 00:03:51,995
‐ Oh, but my hair
looks so good in that.
110
00:03:52,002 --> 00:03:54,092
‐ I don't care.
No, you can't print it.
111
00:03:54,090 --> 00:03:55,930
‐ Okay, well,
what about this one?
112
00:03:55,927 --> 00:03:58,387
It's the only one I have
of you smiling.
113
00:03:58,390 --> 00:04:02,190
‐ Oh, look at me all happy
with my improv group.
114
00:04:02,189 --> 00:04:04,439
[sighs] God, was I just high
all the time,
115
00:04:04,443 --> 00:04:07,033
or was this my "Criminal Minds"?
116
00:04:07,032 --> 00:04:09,452
‐ Presenting Nola!
117
00:04:09,453 --> 00:04:12,923
Bush did 9/11.
I'm angry. Politics.
118
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,209
‐ What the fuck?
119
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,803
‐ Condragulations!
120
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,430
I'm auditioning
for "RuPaul's Drag Race."
121
00:04:18,430 --> 00:04:21,440
‐ You don't do drag,
you errant lube stain.
122
00:04:21,436 --> 00:04:23,316
‐ I do now.
123
00:04:23,315 --> 00:04:26,145
I realized the only thing
standing in my way of becoming
124
00:04:26,154 --> 00:04:29,954
America's Next Drag Superstar
is a drag persona.
125
00:04:29,953 --> 00:04:31,543
And what is a persona?
126
00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:33,209
It's "person" with an A
at the end of it,
127
00:04:33,210 --> 00:04:34,710
so it's a lady.
128
00:04:34,713 --> 00:04:38,143
And what is drag
but making fun of ladies?
129
00:04:38,136 --> 00:04:40,266
‐ You are so fucking stupid.
130
00:04:40,265 --> 00:04:43,055
‐ [laughs]
Tell us how you really feel.
131
00:04:43,063 --> 00:04:45,693
[laughs]
132
00:04:45,693 --> 00:04:47,453
You know, now that I see
my reflection
133
00:04:47,446 --> 00:04:50,076
in this snake milker‐‐
butter knife,
134
00:04:50,077 --> 00:04:51,617
I guess I could trim my wig
135
00:04:51,621 --> 00:04:53,121
and be my Aunt Scorpion
for "Drag Race."
136
00:04:53,124 --> 00:04:55,304
What do you think?
‐ Hmm? Me?
137
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,255
Oh, I have no feeling
either way.
138
00:04:57,258 --> 00:05:00,348
‐ [laughs] My Aunt Scorpion
didn't have any feelings either.
139
00:05:00,347 --> 00:05:02,387
I mean, she was born
without fingertips.
140
00:05:02,393 --> 00:05:05,323
She raised me after
my choir teacher Jib Jab died.
141
00:05:06,442 --> 00:05:07,862
‐ What a colorful group
of friends
142
00:05:07,862 --> 00:05:10,122
you choose
to waste your time with.
143
00:05:10,117 --> 00:05:13,247
‐ Marilyn, I read your chapters
on your childhood.
144
00:05:13,248 --> 00:05:15,418
‐ You're welcome.
‐ They're horrible.
145
00:05:15,419 --> 00:05:18,169
Whole thing is boring,
self‐indulgent shit.
146
00:05:18,174 --> 00:05:20,054
And I had to read
Anna Kendrick's book proposal
147
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,513
for "Scrappy Little Nobody."
148
00:05:21,514 --> 00:05:23,394
‐ So what are you saying?
149
00:05:23,393 --> 00:05:25,563
‐ Maybe we put
this book on hold.
150
00:05:25,564 --> 00:05:27,324
‐ So what are you saying?
151
00:05:27,318 --> 00:05:29,868
‐ There's nothing interesting
about your life.
152
00:05:29,865 --> 00:05:31,525
‐ So what are you say‐‐
153
00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:33,124
‐ I'm saying that your
life story is too boring
154
00:05:33,121 --> 00:05:34,371
and I won't publish it.
155
00:05:34,373 --> 00:05:36,093
‐ Well, I...
156
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,085
have so much more to tell.
157
00:05:38,089 --> 00:05:42,219
I have stories about...
my Aunt Scorpion,
158
00:05:42,222 --> 00:05:45,652
who raised me after
my choir teacher Jib Jab died.
159
00:05:45,645 --> 00:05:49,275
And none of them
had any fingertips.
160
00:05:49,278 --> 00:05:51,618
‐ What?
161
00:05:51,616 --> 00:05:53,616
With a crazy backstory
like that,
162
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,460
why the hell are you writing
about the time
163
00:05:55,457 --> 00:05:58,667
you thought you saw Jerry Orbach
at a Gristedes?
164
00:05:58,672 --> 00:06:00,432
‐ Note taken.
165
00:06:00,425 --> 00:06:02,885
I am going to come back
with even more stories
166
00:06:02,889 --> 00:06:06,059
about my fascinating
hillbilly childhood.
167
00:06:06,062 --> 00:06:08,532
Hee‐haw!
Get her done.
168
00:06:11,072 --> 00:06:12,992
‐ Welcome, Airbnb‐ers.
169
00:06:12,992 --> 00:06:14,872
Come on in.
Give you a little tour.
170
00:06:14,871 --> 00:06:16,501
Don't fall too far behind.
171
00:06:16,499 --> 00:06:21,009
Now, over here
is the formal dining area, okay?
172
00:06:21,008 --> 00:06:24,718
And then over here
is the boudoir.
173
00:06:24,724 --> 00:06:26,274
It's one of those apartments,
174
00:06:26,269 --> 00:06:28,109
doesn't look like much
when you walk in,
175
00:06:28,106 --> 00:06:31,486
but then you discover little
things, like over here...
176
00:06:31,487 --> 00:06:33,947
is a bowl of change.
177
00:06:33,951 --> 00:06:36,871
'Cause I went to the deli,
and I bought some milk
178
00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:38,714
and just, you know,
some snacks and stuff,
179
00:06:38,711 --> 00:06:41,301
and then I gave him cash,
and then he gave me back change,
180
00:06:41,299 --> 00:06:44,099
and I thought,
"I'm gonna put it in a bowl."
181
00:06:44,096 --> 00:06:46,266
And, you know,
there is so much light.
182
00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:50,567
In New York, it's very rare...
to have a window.
183
00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:53,197
Sometimes I wake up
in the morning and...
184
00:06:53,198 --> 00:06:56,868
[laughing] I don't even know
where I am.
185
00:06:56,872 --> 00:06:58,542
‐ Seemed a lot bigger
in the photo.
186
00:06:58,541 --> 00:07:01,131
‐ Oh, no, for New York,
this place is huge.
187
00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:02,590
Trust me.
Okay, plus, you guys
188
00:07:02,591 --> 00:07:04,181
are gonna be out
doing tourist stuff.
189
00:07:04,178 --> 00:07:06,218
You know, you just need
a place to sleep.
190
00:07:06,224 --> 00:07:09,064
‐ Can we have a minute
alone to talk?
191
00:07:09,063 --> 00:07:12,113
‐ Oh. Yeah, sure.
Let me give you some privacy.
192
00:07:12,110 --> 00:07:16,790
If you need me, I'll be here
in the en suite.
193
00:07:18,331 --> 00:07:22,341
‐ [speaking German]
194
00:07:28,101 --> 00:07:29,941
Okay, we will try it.
195
00:07:29,938 --> 00:07:31,818
‐ Oh, that's really great news!
196
00:07:31,817 --> 00:07:33,277
Hey, where are you guys from?
197
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:34,568
Oh, you know what?
I don't care.
198
00:07:34,571 --> 00:07:35,741
Boy, that accent, though,
199
00:07:35,741 --> 00:07:37,411
that is not comforting.
200
00:07:37,411 --> 00:07:40,791
[upbeat rock music]
201
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,883
‐ Oh, hi. Matthew...is it?
202
00:07:43,882 --> 00:07:45,852
‐ Yes, it is.
‐ Yes!
203
00:07:45,845 --> 00:07:47,555
‐ Now put it in lights!
‐ Oh!
204
00:07:47,556 --> 00:07:49,636
‐ [laughs]
Wait, you look familiar.
205
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:51,273
Which is the word I use
for "Jewish."
206
00:07:51,272 --> 00:07:53,032
Oh, you're Julie's sister!
207
00:07:53,026 --> 00:07:55,276
‐ And now we're best friends.
208
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,830
‐ Yasss!
‐ Yasss!
209
00:07:57,827 --> 00:08:00,457
‐ [laughs] So what
can I do you for you, Diva?
210
00:08:00,457 --> 00:08:03,457
‐ I wanted to ask you out
to lunch tomorrow.
211
00:08:03,463 --> 00:08:05,303
‐ Oh, hon, I'm‐‐I'm flattered,
212
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,180
but I take it up the ass.
213
00:08:07,179 --> 00:08:08,429
‐ I assumed.
214
00:08:08,431 --> 00:08:09,981
I just have this weird feeling
215
00:08:09,976 --> 00:08:12,556
that you and I
could be good friends.
216
00:08:12,564 --> 00:08:16,074
‐ Well, as Jib Jab said
right before she died...
217
00:08:16,072 --> 00:08:18,332
[hoarsely]
"That ain't a bad idea!"
218
00:08:18,326 --> 00:08:19,996
‐ Ooh, tell me more about that!
219
00:08:19,996 --> 00:08:22,076
‐ Turns out, it was a bad idea
220
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,344
for her to jump
into that swamp water.
221
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,008
I watched those gators
222
00:08:26,008 --> 00:08:28,508
rip her body apart
right in front of me.
223
00:08:28,513 --> 00:08:30,683
At night, I can still hear
her screams
224
00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:32,654
when I close my eyes.
225
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:36,146
[hoarsely] "Matty, help me.
They're pulling my legs off.
226
00:08:36,153 --> 00:08:39,453
They're ripping
my arms off now."
227
00:08:39,451 --> 00:08:40,701
‐ Oh, that's good.
228
00:08:40,704 --> 00:08:43,084
‐ What?
‐ That's‐‐wow.
229
00:08:43,084 --> 00:08:44,254
‐ And what could I do, you know?
230
00:08:44,253 --> 00:08:47,053
I was...nine years old,
231
00:08:47,050 --> 00:08:51,310
just standing there on the‐‐
on the‐‐on the side of the swamp
232
00:08:51,308 --> 00:08:53,808
in a ball gown.
233
00:08:53,814 --> 00:08:58,164
Probably the second‐saddest
Christmas I ever had.
234
00:08:58,156 --> 00:08:59,906
[laughter]
MELISSA: Wow, Julie,
235
00:08:59,909 --> 00:09:01,249
this reunion is so fun!
236
00:09:01,245 --> 00:09:03,075
What a great idea
to get together.
237
00:09:03,082 --> 00:09:05,802
‐ I just remember I was so happy
when we did shows.
238
00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:07,416
‐ Melissa, remember
that sketch we did‐‐
239
00:09:07,424 --> 00:09:09,224
‐ Oh, the nacho sketch? Yes!
240
00:09:09,219 --> 00:09:11,349
BOTH: I don't theeenk so!
241
00:09:11,348 --> 00:09:15,148
‐ I don't theeenk so!
[laughter]
242
00:09:15,148 --> 00:09:17,068
‐ Do you guys remember my bit
about Carol Channing
243
00:09:17,068 --> 00:09:19,238
at the dentist?
She was like, "Hey"‐‐
244
00:09:19,239 --> 00:09:21,159
MELISSA:
Ray, how old is your baby?
245
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,410
‐ Uh, he's six weeks,
and we already think
246
00:09:23,414 --> 00:09:25,384
he has a learning disability,
so...yeah.
247
00:09:25,376 --> 00:09:26,916
‐ Oh, wow.
248
00:09:26,922 --> 00:09:28,932
‐ [as Carol Channing]
Hello, molars!
249
00:09:28,926 --> 00:09:34,556
[laughing] Carol Channing.
250
00:09:34,561 --> 00:09:37,111
‐ Hey, remember that time
we went to Calgary
251
00:09:37,108 --> 00:09:39,108
and they were like,
"No improv allowed"?
252
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:40,782
[cell phone buzzing]
RAY: We were pretty fucking rad.
253
00:09:40,783 --> 00:09:42,543
‐ Oh, I have to grab this.
I'm sorry.
254
00:09:42,536 --> 00:09:44,246
[laughter]
255
00:09:44,248 --> 00:09:45,418
RAY: It's like, "Speak English."
256
00:09:45,416 --> 00:09:47,126
[laughter]
257
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:48,378
‐ Hey, what's up?
258
00:09:48,381 --> 00:09:50,011
BILLY: I'm in the hotel.
259
00:09:50,009 --> 00:09:52,309
I can't sleep,
but Todd can,
260
00:09:52,305 --> 00:09:54,055
which means
this is a "me" problem
261
00:09:54,059 --> 00:09:55,599
and not an "us" problem.
262
00:09:55,603 --> 00:09:57,233
‐ "This is Us" is a big problem.
263
00:09:57,232 --> 00:09:59,192
Why don't I just meet you
in the lobby
264
00:09:59,194 --> 00:10:01,284
with a sock full of Klonopin
and you can Cosby yourself?
265
00:10:01,282 --> 00:10:03,912
‐ I don't want to tear you
away from your improv reunion.
266
00:10:03,912 --> 00:10:05,962
‐ It's okay. I don't think
they're very happy to see me.
267
00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,628
Maybe they never liked me
268
00:10:07,627 --> 00:10:09,797
and we were all just so high,
I didn't notice.
269
00:10:09,799 --> 00:10:11,849
P.S. Why did I stop smoking pot?
270
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:13,805
‐ Because you were having
panic attacks
271
00:10:13,807 --> 00:10:15,897
and decided you should have
your own show on Adult Swim.
272
00:10:15,895 --> 00:10:18,015
‐ Right. You know,
maybe I was just happy
273
00:10:18,024 --> 00:10:20,994
because of that whole improv
philosophy of "yes, and."
274
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,278
‐ Maybe you should try
saying "yes, and"
275
00:10:22,282 --> 00:10:23,952
to whatever they're saying now.
276
00:10:23,952 --> 00:10:25,202
What's the worst
that could happen?
277
00:10:25,204 --> 00:10:26,754
‐ I don't know, I could end up
278
00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:28,420
making the sequel
to "Don't Think Twice"?
279
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:30,089
‐ Ooh. Maybe that's
on pay‐per‐view here.
280
00:10:30,089 --> 00:10:31,589
If that doesn't make me
fall asleep,
281
00:10:31,592 --> 00:10:33,432
then I've already died
and I'm a ghost.
282
00:10:33,429 --> 00:10:35,679
[laughter]
283
00:10:35,684 --> 00:10:37,904
‐ Will, while we're
coming clean,
284
00:10:37,897 --> 00:10:40,607
I did steal your mullet wig.
285
00:10:40,610 --> 00:10:42,410
ALL: Oh!
286
00:10:42,405 --> 00:10:44,655
‐ All right, during
the improv marathon of '02,
287
00:10:44,660 --> 00:10:47,210
I initiated a scene
with a premise in mind.
288
00:10:47,207 --> 00:10:48,877
[laughter]
289
00:10:48,877 --> 00:10:52,837
‐ Yes, and...
while we're confessing, um,
290
00:10:52,843 --> 00:10:55,983
Melissa,
I fucked your boyfriend.
291
00:10:56,851 --> 00:10:58,521
‐ [laughing] Jesus.
292
00:10:58,521 --> 00:10:59,861
Julie, that's a big one.
293
00:10:59,857 --> 00:11:01,987
‐ Wait, which boyfriend?
Not Ryan.
294
00:11:01,987 --> 00:11:05,737
‐ Yes, and...
not Ryan.
295
00:11:05,744 --> 00:11:06,914
‐ Was it Chuck?
296
00:11:06,913 --> 00:11:08,883
‐ Yes, and...
297
00:11:08,875 --> 00:11:11,755
yes, it was Chuck.
298
00:11:11,756 --> 00:11:14,546
‐ I had no clue. When?
299
00:11:14,553 --> 00:11:16,473
‐ Uh...
300
00:11:21,608 --> 00:11:24,608
Christmas Eve, 2000.
301
00:11:24,614 --> 00:11:28,874
‐ Uh...Chuck died that night.
302
00:11:28,874 --> 00:11:31,764
‐ You were the last person
to see him alive.
303
00:11:33,215 --> 00:11:37,215
‐ Yes, and...it has haunted me.
304
00:11:39,729 --> 00:11:41,269
‐ So you were with Chuck
305
00:11:41,273 --> 00:11:43,243
when he fell down those stairs
and died.
306
00:11:43,235 --> 00:11:45,355
Oh, is this really why you
wanted us all to get together?
307
00:11:45,364 --> 00:11:47,794
‐ Yes, and...
now that we are hanging out,
308
00:11:47,787 --> 00:11:49,457
I'm actually having
a good time,
309
00:11:49,456 --> 00:11:50,956
so why don't you guys
come over tomorrow?
310
00:11:50,959 --> 00:11:53,009
We'll watch some tapes
of our old shows,
311
00:11:53,005 --> 00:11:55,175
and we can all pretend we don't
notice how fat we've gotten.
312
00:11:55,176 --> 00:11:56,966
Yeah? Yes!
313
00:11:56,971 --> 00:11:59,231
All right!
That's what I like to hear.
314
00:11:59,226 --> 00:12:01,556
[as Carol Channing]
Hello, molars!
315
00:12:01,563 --> 00:12:06,853
[laughs]
316
00:12:06,853 --> 00:12:08,693
TODD: Well, neutral territory
didn't help.
317
00:12:08,691 --> 00:12:10,401
‐ What?
You were asleep all night.
318
00:12:10,402 --> 00:12:12,362
‐ No, I felt bad
I suggested the hotel,
319
00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:13,914
so I just pretended.
320
00:12:13,909 --> 00:12:16,039
‐ You stayed motionless
for seven hours?
321
00:12:16,038 --> 00:12:18,418
Who are you, Denise Richards
in "Starship Troopers"?
322
00:12:18,418 --> 00:12:20,338
‐ Should we just cut our losses
and go home?
323
00:12:20,338 --> 00:12:23,338
‐ I can't. I Airbnb‐ed my place
for the whole weekend.
324
00:12:23,344 --> 00:12:25,144
‐ I keep forgetting
how broke you are.
325
00:12:25,140 --> 00:12:28,350
‐ Oh, that's funny.
I think about it constantly.
326
00:12:28,354 --> 00:12:30,994
‐ All right, here's a pitch.
327
00:12:30,985 --> 00:12:33,695
Why don't we just wear ourselves
out till we have to sleep?
328
00:12:33,699 --> 00:12:35,579
What's the most exhausting thing
you can think of?
329
00:12:35,578 --> 00:12:37,158
‐ We can call my cousin Jeannie
and ask her
330
00:12:37,164 --> 00:12:38,754
why she took a break
from social media.
331
00:12:38,751 --> 00:12:40,841
‐ Or...
332
00:12:40,838 --> 00:12:43,008
there's nothing more exhausting
than tourist bullshit, right?
333
00:12:43,009 --> 00:12:44,849
‐ Oh, my God.
334
00:12:44,846 --> 00:12:46,596
We could pretend like
we're tourists for the day.
335
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,140
I could be someone
who owns a piece of clothing
336
00:12:48,144 --> 00:12:50,194
from Old Navy...
‐ Yes.
337
00:12:50,190 --> 00:12:51,610
‐ And you could be a teenage
girl who can't get an abortion.
338
00:12:51,610 --> 00:12:52,820
‐ [laughing] Yeah!
339
00:12:55,492 --> 00:12:58,462
Hi, I'm Todd.
We're from New Mexico.
340
00:12:58,456 --> 00:12:59,786
‐ Oh, hey, Todd.
‐ Oh!
341
00:12:59,793 --> 00:13:01,303
‐ Hello.
‐ Hi, we've never been
342
00:13:01,295 --> 00:13:03,125
to the big city,
so we're very scared.
343
00:13:03,132 --> 00:13:05,722
‐ Oh, yeah? We've been here
a whole mess of times.
344
00:13:05,721 --> 00:13:07,521
‐ Oh, wow.
345
00:13:07,516 --> 00:13:10,606
‐ We just saw the greatest show:
"Gazillion Bubbles."
346
00:13:10,606 --> 00:13:12,276
Though to tell you the truth,
347
00:13:12,275 --> 00:13:13,485
it seemed more like
a gahundred thousand.
348
00:13:13,486 --> 00:13:14,906
‐ Oh!
[laughter]
349
00:13:14,906 --> 00:13:16,656
Yeah, Lucy and I
seen that "Othello"
350
00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:18,830
at The Old Vic last year,
351
00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:22,921
and this show made that
look like a hunk of shit.
352
00:13:22,922 --> 00:13:23,972
‐ Oh, well!
353
00:13:23,966 --> 00:13:25,546
Thank you, Ben Brantley.
354
00:13:25,553 --> 00:13:27,563
‐ Hi, Ben.
355
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,267
‐ Hey, if you wanna,
356
00:13:29,268 --> 00:13:31,228
y'all are welcome
to hang out with us today.
357
00:13:31,230 --> 00:13:32,860
‐ Ooh!
358
00:13:32,859 --> 00:13:33,899
[with bad New York accent]
Like a couple
359
00:13:33,902 --> 00:13:35,412
of real New Yorkers!
360
00:13:35,405 --> 00:13:36,655
[laughter]
361
00:13:36,658 --> 00:13:38,368
‐ Well, I'm exhausted already!
362
00:13:38,369 --> 00:13:40,289
[laughter]
363
00:13:40,290 --> 00:13:42,040
MATTHEW: And then
after the eighth time
364
00:13:42,043 --> 00:13:44,763
that Aunt Scorpion
swallowed a bag of needles,
365
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,717
we started taking her
to the veterinarian.
366
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,350
‐ I could listen
to your stories all day.
367
00:13:49,349 --> 00:13:51,269
‐ And I could tell them all day,
368
00:13:51,270 --> 00:13:53,980
but unfortunately, I have
to get back to my photo studio.
369
00:13:53,984 --> 00:13:55,654
I've got to develop
some creep shots I took
370
00:13:55,654 --> 00:13:56,994
of Sigourney Weaver
on the D train.
371
00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:59,120
‐ You have a photo studio?
372
00:13:59,119 --> 00:14:00,749
‐ Yeah, it's a little hobby
I picked up
373
00:14:00,748 --> 00:14:02,748
back when Jib Jab
wanted to be in "Hustler."
374
00:14:02,752 --> 00:14:06,552
‐ Ah. Well, maybe you could take
some pictures of me. I'd pay.
375
00:14:06,551 --> 00:14:08,811
‐ Oh, sure, doll.
You want the full beav?
376
00:14:08,805 --> 00:14:10,725
I mean, I never pictured you
as a Hustler Honey,
377
00:14:10,726 --> 00:14:13,856
but I bet I'd change my mind
once you opened your legs.
378
00:14:13,857 --> 00:14:16,317
‐ Oh, actually,
I just need an author photo.
379
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,160
‐ So tits, glasses,
pencil in mouth.
380
00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:19,787
‐ That's it. That's it.
‐ Yup, got it.
381
00:14:19,786 --> 00:14:21,666
‐ Well, I can't wait
to get some closure
382
00:14:21,665 --> 00:14:24,125
on whether Jib Jab actually
made it into "Hustler."
383
00:14:24,127 --> 00:14:26,627
Did she?
‐ Well, they approved her,
384
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,343
and then her eyes fell.
385
00:14:28,344 --> 00:14:30,604
‐ Speak up.
‐ [louder] Her eyes fell.
386
00:14:30,599 --> 00:14:32,519
‐ Wonderful.
‐ Right out of they sockets.
387
00:14:32,519 --> 00:14:34,189
‐ Mm!
388
00:14:34,189 --> 00:14:36,949
‐ And on behalf of PBS,
389
00:14:36,945 --> 00:14:40,235
I thank you sincerely
390
00:14:40,243 --> 00:14:44,173
for being one
of the Viewers Like You.
391
00:14:45,671 --> 00:14:48,681
[ominous music]
392
00:14:48,677 --> 00:14:55,687
♪ ♪
393
00:15:00,576 --> 00:15:02,706
‐ "Criminal Minds,"
Paget Brewster.
394
00:15:02,705 --> 00:15:06,125
‐ Game change.
I've stumbled upon a caper.
395
00:15:06,128 --> 00:15:09,548
Every Viewer Like You
has the same address!
396
00:15:09,552 --> 00:15:10,602
‐ Arthur, what are you
talking about?
397
00:15:10,596 --> 00:15:11,846
My improv group is here.
398
00:15:11,848 --> 00:15:14,438
‐ Noodles, intrigue is afoot.
399
00:15:14,436 --> 00:15:16,816
This is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me.
400
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,146
‐ Yay, that's amazing.
401
00:15:18,152 --> 00:15:19,662
Sorry about that.
402
00:15:19,655 --> 00:15:22,235
So the food delivery guy
sold me this.
403
00:15:22,243 --> 00:15:25,503
I hope it's pot.
404
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:27,130
‐ Hey, can you maybe
not smoke that
405
00:15:27,128 --> 00:15:28,838
near my special needs infant?
406
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,930
‐ [exhales]
Oh, all right, poindexter.
407
00:15:30,928 --> 00:15:34,728
Any of you other fuddy‐duddies
have requests from Yawnsville?
408
00:15:34,727 --> 00:15:38,187
[laughs]
I love myself high!
409
00:15:38,192 --> 00:15:40,072
Hey, Melissa, wanna take a hit
410
00:15:40,071 --> 00:15:42,331
of To Bong Foo, Thanks
For Everything, Julie Kessler?
411
00:15:42,325 --> 00:15:44,285
‐ No, thanks.
412
00:15:44,287 --> 00:15:46,787
Um, listen, Julie, I don't want
to bring the mood down,
413
00:15:46,793 --> 00:15:48,593
but I'm in touch
with Chuck's mom,
414
00:15:48,588 --> 00:15:50,838
and we still have so many
questions about his death.
415
00:15:50,843 --> 00:15:52,813
‐ Oh, yeah, that's normal.
416
00:15:52,805 --> 00:15:57,395
But, you know, we all came here
to watch the tape, so...
417
00:15:57,397 --> 00:15:59,357
[as Carol Channing]
Hello, molars!
418
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,029
[laughs]
419
00:16:01,029 --> 00:16:03,279
‐ Um, do you remember
Chuck's last words?
420
00:16:03,284 --> 00:16:04,624
Did he mention his mom?
421
00:16:04,620 --> 00:16:07,330
‐ Yes, and...
he forgives her.
422
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:10,303
[both gasp]
423
00:16:10,298 --> 00:16:12,468
‐ [exhales]
424
00:16:12,468 --> 00:16:15,018
Oh, yeah!
This is definitely pot!
425
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:16,936
[laughs]
426
00:16:16,936 --> 00:16:20,276
"Smoke me, Melissa."
427
00:16:20,276 --> 00:16:21,486
[funky music]
428
00:16:21,486 --> 00:16:23,446
‐ What's that?
‐ Yes!
429
00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:25,489
‐ So you said that your aunt
didn't have any fingertips.
430
00:16:25,494 --> 00:16:27,214
Is that right?
‐ Correct.
431
00:16:27,207 --> 00:16:29,287
You're cold.
You're a shivering little baby.
432
00:16:29,294 --> 00:16:31,724
Brr!
433
00:16:31,716 --> 00:16:33,546
Bartender. Yes.
‐ Bartender.
434
00:16:33,553 --> 00:16:35,353
‐ And then the fronts
of your hands as well.
435
00:16:35,348 --> 00:16:36,978
We thought we'd be
on that island forever...
436
00:16:36,976 --> 00:16:39,306
‐ You have lived
a fascinating life.
437
00:16:39,314 --> 00:16:40,654
‐ And then you notice,
"Oh, my God, what time is it?"
438
00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:42,201
And you spill the cocktail.
439
00:16:42,195 --> 00:16:44,235
‐ Do you come from a line
of alcoholics?
440
00:16:44,241 --> 00:16:46,411
‐ Ah, fabulous, fabulous.
More. More, more, more, more.
441
00:16:46,411 --> 00:16:48,001
‐ All right, I think we‐‐
we're good, then.
442
00:16:47,998 --> 00:16:50,128
Do you think we have enough?
‐ I don't.
443
00:16:50,127 --> 00:16:52,967
‐ That did the trick.
I'm exhausted.
444
00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:54,757
In fact,
I think I could take a nap.
445
00:16:54,762 --> 00:16:57,692
‐ Yes! A nap!
The snack of sleep!
446
00:16:57,685 --> 00:17:00,475
We can't afford a full meal,
so we'll just graze.
447
00:17:00,481 --> 00:17:02,321
‐ Aw, Ed.
448
00:17:02,318 --> 00:17:04,568
The fruitcakes are sleepy.
449
00:17:04,573 --> 00:17:05,873
‐ Oh!
450
00:17:05,867 --> 00:17:07,657
‐ My favorite thing about a nap
451
00:17:07,663 --> 00:17:11,173
is dreaming about sleeping
next to this big guy.
452
00:17:11,169 --> 00:17:15,599
‐ I love sleeping next to Lucy.
453
00:17:15,595 --> 00:17:18,015
‐ I'm sorry,
I have to ask.
454
00:17:18,017 --> 00:17:20,347
Did you two ever have a problem
falling asleep together?
455
00:17:20,354 --> 00:17:22,994
‐ Absolutely not.
456
00:17:22,985 --> 00:17:24,565
‐ So how long have you
been married?
457
00:17:24,572 --> 00:17:26,872
‐ We're not married.
I'm paying her.
458
00:17:26,868 --> 00:17:29,498
‐ I am Lucy,
the vacation prostitute.
459
00:17:29,497 --> 00:17:31,417
‐ Yes, you are.
‐ Whoo!
460
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,838
‐ My wife, on the other hand,
is a fucking nightmare.
461
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,390
I can't sleep in the same room
with that woman.
462
00:17:36,386 --> 00:17:39,936
Why did I marry someone
that I can't sleep next to?
463
00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,685
‐ Yes, we get it.
464
00:17:41,689 --> 00:17:43,229
Thank you for illustrating
our fears with examples.
465
00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:46,623
‐ So which room
we gonna go back to,
466
00:17:46,616 --> 00:17:49,826
yours or ourn?
467
00:17:49,830 --> 00:17:51,710
‐ What?
‐ Huh?
468
00:17:51,709 --> 00:17:53,589
‐ Well, why the hell would you
spend the day with us
469
00:17:53,588 --> 00:17:56,088
if you didn't wanna swing?
470
00:17:56,093 --> 00:17:57,763
‐ Please tell me you're
referring to dancing along
471
00:17:57,763 --> 00:17:59,523
to the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.
472
00:17:59,516 --> 00:18:02,016
‐ No, group sex.
Partner swapping.
473
00:18:02,021 --> 00:18:04,151
Course, it'd be you two
double‐teaming her.
474
00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:07,410
I'd watch and do my business
in a sock.
475
00:18:10,580 --> 00:18:14,050
‐ I'm cornfused.
Why are we in a hospital?
476
00:18:14,045 --> 00:18:16,965
And why don't I have a show
on Adult Swim?
477
00:18:16,968 --> 00:18:19,058
And why are we in a hospital?
478
00:18:19,055 --> 00:18:20,675
‐ Chuck didn't get along
with his mom,
479
00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:22,524
and you have new information.
480
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,820
So we're here
to give her closure.
481
00:18:25,819 --> 00:18:28,699
Meet Chuck's mom.
482
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:30,950
‐ Oh, no.
483
00:18:30,954 --> 00:18:32,254
‐ [coughing]
484
00:18:32,248 --> 00:18:33,708
‐ Oh, she's really sick.
485
00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:35,130
‐ Hi, Mrs. Chuck.
486
00:18:35,129 --> 00:18:36,469
You're gonna be
the second member
487
00:18:36,465 --> 00:18:38,085
of your family
I watch die.
488
00:18:38,093 --> 00:18:40,223
‐ Julie, please.
489
00:18:40,222 --> 00:18:43,352
‐ You were with my Chuck?
490
00:18:43,353 --> 00:18:45,193
What were his last words?
491
00:18:45,191 --> 00:18:50,491
‐ They were, "Tell my mother
I forgive her."
492
00:18:50,493 --> 00:18:53,213
‐ The last words
he said to me were,
493
00:18:53,207 --> 00:18:55,037
"I'll never forgive you."
494
00:18:55,044 --> 00:18:56,674
‐ Yeah, well, I don't know
what to tell you, lady.
495
00:18:56,672 --> 00:18:57,722
That's what he said.
496
00:18:57,716 --> 00:18:59,176
‐ If Chuckles had to die
497
00:18:59,177 --> 00:19:00,847
falling down a flight of stairs,
498
00:19:00,847 --> 00:19:03,557
at least he was in the company
of his lover
499
00:19:03,561 --> 00:19:08,031
and, yes, on a night
his beloved Yankees won.
500
00:19:08,028 --> 00:19:12,078
‐ I remember. He was so happy
about those Yankees
501
00:19:12,078 --> 00:19:14,668
winning the ball game.
502
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:16,287
Anyway, closure, closure.
503
00:19:16,294 --> 00:19:17,344
What a wonderful thing.
504
00:19:17,338 --> 00:19:18,378
Okay, bye!
505
00:19:18,382 --> 00:19:20,432
‐ Hold on!
506
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:23,887
Chuck hated the Yankees almost
as much as he hated redheads!
507
00:19:23,893 --> 00:19:25,903
Plus, it was Christmas Eve.
508
00:19:25,897 --> 00:19:28,567
There are no baseball games
on Christmas Eve.
509
00:19:28,570 --> 00:19:29,820
‐ Julie, what's going on?
510
00:19:29,822 --> 00:19:31,282
‐ I'll tell you what's going on!
511
00:19:31,283 --> 00:19:33,623
This cunt murdered my son!
512
00:19:36,627 --> 00:19:37,837
ARTHUR: Gaby, I'm sorry
to drag you here
513
00:19:37,838 --> 00:19:39,338
in the middle of the night,
514
00:19:39,340 --> 00:19:40,800
but I found out something
very disturbing.
515
00:19:40,802 --> 00:19:42,472
Every Viewer Like You
516
00:19:42,471 --> 00:19:44,941
lives at the same address.
517
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:47,225
So I went there
in the dead of night,
518
00:19:47,231 --> 00:19:49,821
and you'll never believe
who lives there.
519
00:19:49,820 --> 00:19:52,490
‐ Larry the Cable Guy.
‐ Larry the Cable...Guy.
520
00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:53,791
You knew?
521
00:19:53,786 --> 00:19:55,286
‐ Everyone knows
Viewers Like You
522
00:19:55,289 --> 00:19:56,959
is a pseudonym
for Larry the Cable Guy.
523
00:19:56,959 --> 00:19:58,839
We just don't talk about it.
‐ Why the secret?
524
00:19:58,838 --> 00:20:01,178
I think people should know
what a hero he is.
525
00:20:01,176 --> 00:20:02,386
‐ Wrong!
526
00:20:02,386 --> 00:20:03,926
Our fans don't want to know
527
00:20:03,932 --> 00:20:06,442
Larry the Cable Guy
is behind PBS
528
00:20:06,436 --> 00:20:08,896
any more than his fans want
to know how passionate he is
529
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:11,070
about importing
British television shows.
530
00:20:11,071 --> 00:20:14,121
Now, are you gonna forget
all about this?
531
00:20:14,118 --> 00:20:15,998
‐ Yes! Yes.
532
00:20:15,997 --> 00:20:18,537
I mean, forget what?
‐ That's right, kitty cat.
533
00:20:18,544 --> 00:20:19,804
You play dumb.
534
00:20:22,426 --> 00:20:24,676
One more.
535
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:27,022
Now get the fuck out!
536
00:20:28,355 --> 00:20:29,815
‐ Okay.
537
00:20:30,234 --> 00:20:33,244
[tense music]
538
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,240
♪ ♪
539
00:20:35,244 --> 00:20:37,214
‐ Matthew?
540
00:20:37,206 --> 00:20:39,706
I got home, and I realized
I left some shoes‐‐
541
00:20:39,712 --> 00:20:41,092
[gasps]
542
00:20:41,089 --> 00:20:44,099
[suspenseful music]
543
00:20:44,095 --> 00:20:51,105
♪ ♪
544
00:20:57,246 --> 00:20:58,496
[whimpers]
545
00:21:02,339 --> 00:21:03,339
[both gasp]
546
00:21:04,343 --> 00:21:05,353
[both gasp]
547
00:21:09,145 --> 00:21:10,645
[both scream]
548
00:21:15,867 --> 00:21:16,867
[both gasp]
549
00:21:20,334 --> 00:21:21,424
[both blow raspberry]
550
00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:25,343
[both hiss]
551
00:21:25,344 --> 00:21:26,604
‐ Oh!
‐ You!
552
00:21:26,597 --> 00:21:28,477
Enough!
‐ Oh, my God!
553
00:21:28,475 --> 00:21:30,055
My mirror's talking to me!
554
00:21:30,062 --> 00:21:31,732
‐ I am not a mirror.
I am Marilyn!
555
00:21:31,732 --> 00:21:32,782
‐ I am not a mirror.
556
00:21:32,776 --> 00:21:33,896
I am Marilyn!
557
00:21:33,903 --> 00:21:35,363
BOTH: Stop. Enough.
558
00:21:35,364 --> 00:21:36,994
Are you really so stupid,
559
00:21:36,992 --> 00:21:39,582
you don't realize
this isn't a mirror?
560
00:21:39,581 --> 00:21:41,081
This is so silly!
561
00:21:41,084 --> 00:21:43,344
‐ Matthew,
you explain this to me.
562
00:21:43,338 --> 00:21:45,128
‐ [sighs]
563
00:21:45,134 --> 00:21:46,434
You see, after Lola
yelled at me,
564
00:21:46,427 --> 00:21:48,427
I needed a new drag persona.
565
00:21:48,431 --> 00:21:50,561
And I couldn't just make one up.
566
00:21:50,562 --> 00:21:54,072
I was born
without an imagination.
567
00:21:54,068 --> 00:21:58,448
So, Marilyn, meet...
568
00:21:58,451 --> 00:22:01,501
Dr. Marilicious.
569
00:22:01,499 --> 00:22:03,839
‐ So you've just been pretending
to be interested in me
570
00:22:03,838 --> 00:22:05,718
so you could steal my identity
571
00:22:05,717 --> 00:22:08,467
for your selfish
little purposes.
572
00:22:08,471 --> 00:22:10,271
Shame on you!
573
00:22:10,267 --> 00:22:12,437
‐ [sighs]
How can I make it up to you?
574
00:22:12,438 --> 00:22:14,688
‐ Trust has to be earned, dear.
575
00:22:14,693 --> 00:22:18,243
But you could start by
telling me how cousin Ponytail
576
00:22:18,241 --> 00:22:20,041
preserved Jib Jab's eyeballs
577
00:22:20,037 --> 00:22:24,087
in her famous homemade
formaldehyde stew.
578
00:22:27,552 --> 00:22:30,062
‐ I'm no closer
to falling asleep.
579
00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:31,557
I memorized the whole
580
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,980
McDonaldland characters
Wikipedia.
581
00:22:33,981 --> 00:22:37,321
Do you know, in 1974, they
cut off two of Grimace's arms.
582
00:22:37,321 --> 00:22:39,331
‐ Oh, yeah, I knew that.
‐ Oh.
583
00:22:39,325 --> 00:22:40,945
‐ And I've now been
on Instagram so long,
584
00:22:40,954 --> 00:22:43,544
I just found my Airbnb‐ers.
585
00:22:46,339 --> 00:22:47,719
Oh, my God.
586
00:22:47,717 --> 00:22:49,847
They're nudists!
‐ What?
587
00:22:49,846 --> 00:22:52,176
‐ Oh, my God, they're nudists!
They're nudists!
588
00:22:52,184 --> 00:22:53,774
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
589
00:22:53,771 --> 00:22:55,651
He's using my remote
to cover his dick!
590
00:22:55,650 --> 00:22:57,240
‐ Oh, nudists are worse
than swingers
591
00:22:57,236 --> 00:22:59,276
because their lifestyle
isn't sexual!
592
00:22:59,282 --> 00:23:01,082
‐ And now they're rubbing their
balls and their labia flaps
593
00:23:01,077 --> 00:23:03,667
all over every conceivable
surface of my apartment.
594
00:23:03,666 --> 00:23:05,416
‐ Listen, we can't sleep anyway.
595
00:23:05,419 --> 00:23:06,759
Let's get those fuckers
out of your apartment.
596
00:23:06,755 --> 00:23:09,425
‐ God, German nudists!
Ugh!
597
00:23:09,427 --> 00:23:11,677
Let me screen grab his dick,
though.
598
00:23:11,682 --> 00:23:13,392
‐ I'm telling you guys,
for the last time,
599
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:15,273
I did not kill Chuck!
600
00:23:15,272 --> 00:23:17,692
‐ Your facts kept changing.
Your timeline is off.
601
00:23:17,694 --> 00:23:19,114
‐ I'm gonna call the police.
602
00:23:19,113 --> 00:23:21,583
‐ No, don't!
Listen, okay, I...
603
00:23:21,577 --> 00:23:24,457
I just wanted to be happy
with you guys again, okay?
604
00:23:24,457 --> 00:23:26,497
I...I never even met Chuck.
605
00:23:26,502 --> 00:23:30,722
I just said that I fucked him
because I was "yes, and"‐ing.
606
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:33,180
‐ How dare you use
improv terminology
607
00:23:33,183 --> 00:23:34,733
to cover up a homicide?
608
00:23:34,728 --> 00:23:36,438
‐ You're a murderer!
609
00:23:36,439 --> 00:23:37,979
No one would be so awful
610
00:23:37,984 --> 00:23:40,574
as to lie to a dead man's
dying mother
611
00:23:40,573 --> 00:23:43,373
just to get attention
from an old improv group!
612
00:23:43,370 --> 00:23:45,790
NICKY: Hey! Shut up!
613
00:23:48,002 --> 00:23:49,762
Yo!
614
00:23:49,756 --> 00:23:51,336
You're that pregnant bitch
615
00:23:51,343 --> 00:23:52,933
that threw me down
a flight of stairs.
616
00:23:52,929 --> 00:23:55,059
‐ I'll explain that one
in a minute.
617
00:23:55,058 --> 00:23:56,688
‐ Wait a second.
618
00:23:56,686 --> 00:23:57,806
You're pregnant
and you're smoking pot?
619
00:23:57,814 --> 00:23:58,864
‐ No, I‐‐
620
00:23:58,857 --> 00:24:00,277
No, wait.
621
00:24:00,277 --> 00:24:02,197
Look. See?
622
00:24:02,197 --> 00:24:04,787
I couldn't have been with Chuck
on Christmas Eve of 2000.
623
00:24:04,786 --> 00:24:06,826
I was on a Disney cruise
with my mother!
624
00:24:06,832 --> 00:24:09,042
‐ No one in their 20s goes on a
Disney cruise with their mother.
625
00:24:09,044 --> 00:24:10,594
‐ Check the time stamp.
626
00:24:10,589 --> 00:24:12,549
‐ Shit. She's not lying.
627
00:24:12,552 --> 00:24:14,682
‐ So Chuck didn't forgive me?
628
00:24:14,681 --> 00:24:16,271
This was all a lie?
629
00:24:16,268 --> 00:24:18,358
You are a monster!
630
00:24:18,355 --> 00:24:19,765
[sobbing] Oh, my God!
631
00:24:19,774 --> 00:24:21,364
‐ No, don't touch!
‐ No, no, don't!
632
00:24:21,361 --> 00:24:22,911
‐ Oh, my goodness!
‐ No, no, don't do that.
633
00:24:22,905 --> 00:24:24,825
Don't do that. It's okay.
No, no, no, no.
634
00:24:24,826 --> 00:24:28,626
‐ I hope you roast in hell,
you fucking loser!
635
00:24:28,625 --> 00:24:30,665
[upbeat rock music]
636
00:24:30,671 --> 00:24:32,631
‐ Billy, I've made a decision.
637
00:24:32,633 --> 00:24:34,643
I am done with "yes, and"‐ing.
638
00:24:34,637 --> 00:24:36,677
I'm more of a "no, but" girl.
639
00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:38,653
Well, not a no‐butt girl.
640
00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:41,605
More like a flat‐butt girl.
Flat and wide.
641
00:24:41,610 --> 00:24:43,950
You know those potato rolls
that come all stuck together?
642
00:24:43,947 --> 00:24:45,447
Yeah, I've got, like,
643
00:24:45,451 --> 00:24:47,291
four of those behind me,
sometimes six.
644
00:24:47,288 --> 00:24:49,208
‐ Billy, found another pube
in the breakfast nook.
645
00:24:49,208 --> 00:24:51,208
‐ Julie,
I got pubes in the nook,
646
00:24:51,212 --> 00:24:53,012
and the Swiffer ain't doin' it.
I gotta go.
647
00:24:53,007 --> 00:24:55,137
JULIE: No, no, no, wait.
Let me describe my ass more.
648
00:24:55,136 --> 00:24:56,806
MAN: ♪ Ah! ♪
649
00:24:56,806 --> 00:24:59,806
[Foxy Shazam's "Bombs Away"]
650
00:24:59,812 --> 00:25:06,792
♪ ♪
651
00:25:12,505 --> 00:25:18,265
MAN: ♪ Hear the sun
crashing down from the sky ♪
652
00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:23,857
♪ Darkness crawls,
coming in from all sides ♪
653
00:25:23,860 --> 00:25:26,660
♪ That's it, I quit ♪
654
00:25:26,658 --> 00:25:30,998
♪ And all the targets
have been hit ♪
655
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,130
♪ Our home, our vine ♪
656
00:25:34,131 --> 00:25:36,511
♪ We'll all have
vengeance time ♪
657
00:25:36,511 --> 00:25:38,641
♪ Bombs away ♪
658
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:42,020
♪ Bo‐o‐ombs away ♪
659
00:25:42,022 --> 00:25:45,032
One, two, three, four!
660
00:25:45,028 --> 00:25:46,238
WOMAN: La, la, la, la.
661
00:25:46,239 --> 00:25:47,989
Oh, my God.