Improved by Rachid Ouziane
MAXIMO: My papa was the hardest working person I ever met,
spending almost every day of the year on the road.
(BOTH PANTING)
But, whenever he had time off,
he would race home to see us.
Even if he had to drive all night.
BOTH: Papa!
(♪♪♪)
MAXIMO: My papa always said,
"You get what you work for, not what you wish for. "
So much for hard work.
(♪♪♪)
(WOLF WHISTLES)
- WOMAN 1: Maximo! - WOMAN 2: Maximo...
WOMAN 3: Maximo, your pants are blocking my view!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Hi, Maximo!
(EXCLAIMS AND CHUCKLES)
WOMAN 4: Do my back, Maximo.
WOMAN 5: Hi, there.
(WOMEN CALLING OUT)
- Thank you! - Thank you.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
(♪♪♪)
(women gasp)
(woman wolf whistles)
Oh.
I think I'm making you wet.
(GROANS)
(PEGGY EXHALES)
(SIGHS)
- (GROANS) - (DEVICE BEEPS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPANISH VERSION OF "THE BIRDS AND THE BEES" PLAYING )
MAXIMO: No, no, I can't.
I have my helicopter lesson this weekend.
Chist! Spot!
Spill!
(GRUNTING)
Shadow!
Finished!
- PEGGY: Maximo! - Mmm?
There you are, my raindrop.
I was just... just on my way to wake you.
Do you know what day today is?
- Tuesday. - No! It's Saturday!
- Close enough. - Happy anniversary!
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Oh!
- Just what I needed. - Really?
So... different.
This one says 9:20. This one doesn't. It's-
I- I love it.
Thank you, thank you. I love it.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh!
- I got you something, too. - Really?
Where is it?
We have...
to go pick it up.
- Oh, how exciting! - I know! (CHUCKLES)
- I'll be right back. - Great.
Just one second.
I'm waiting for you. I'm ready for you.
I'll be but a second, sweetie.
- (SMACKING FLESH) - (MAXIMO GROANS)
- PEGGY: One second. - I'm here.
Happy anniversary!
Oh.
Darling, what a sweet thought!
Get in. Get in.
I would, but with my knees,
I'm afraid it's too close to the ground for me.
All right. Forget it.
- We won't get it, then. - Oh.
I don't want my knees to ruin our special day.
No, it's okay. It's okay.
- Okay. - Let's get it.
It could be your car, too.
Yeah, I suppose that could work.
Hey.
- We'll take this one, please. - Oh, that's a fine choice.
You know, the McLarens are like snowflakes,
in that no two are ever the same.
- Is that true? - Actually, it isn't, but, um...
well, I still think it's a lovely image with the snowflake, don't you think?
- Aren't you the charmer. - Well...
Call it the romantic in me.
The guys on the floor call me The Poet.
These boneheads, they like to make fun.
And what form of payment will you be using today, sir?
Um... her.
Very good. I'll see if that's an option in our system.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Are you- Sir, another new car?
- Oh... - Yep.
How do you do it, Mr. Maximo?
Once you lower your expectations, Jimmy, the sky's the limit.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
Fore!
You don't mind if Maximo and I play a few holes, do you?
Not at all, as long as you play a few holes with me later.
You are a naughty girl.
Here we are. A steak and a salad.
Uh-uh. Mama likes you slim and trim.
(MOANING)
Oh, you want me to feed you some meat?
I want it so bad.
RICK: This first bite is all fat.
- Hey, buddy. - Oh, hey, brother.
Millicent... mmm.
You look radiant as always.
- Right. Er, let's hit the links. - Yes.
Muah!
MAXIMO: Wanna grab a drink tonight?
RICK: Nope, sorry. Millicent's got me booked up.
Got a bleaching appointment. You should try it sometime.
I bleach my teeth.
I'm not talking about my teeth.
Oh. Ouch.
RICK: Gotta keep it white and tight.
Guys like you and me,
we hide in the tall grass,
wait for the most beautiful gazelle to come up from the back of the pack.
She drops her head to get that last drink of water, and we strike.
Thrill of the hunt.
Wait, aren't the sickly ones usually at the back of the pack?
What do you know about animals?
What are you, Steve Irwin, rest in peace?
I watch a lot of animal shows.
You're missing my point.
You know what, Rick?
I don't have to worry about hunting old gazelles anymore.
Because in my marriage... (CLICKS TONGUE)
I call the shots.
Would have been a lot cooler if I sank that.
- (MOTOR REVVING) - (MUSIC PLAYING)
Whoo!
I love that you got yourself a matching McLaren.
We only played nine holes because I wanted to get back home to you.
Maximo, you're home early.
I missed you. What's wrong?
Oh, did you get winded trying to scrapbook again?
You deserve a nice, refreshing beverage after the workout we just...
Hey! You're back!
Hey, how you likin' the car?
Handles like a beauty, doesn't she?
You cheated on me with a car salesman?
No. A little.
Remy. Here you go.
You know what, the number on the bottom doesn't work anymore,
but the top one's still good. You call any time, okay?
You want a drink? The bar here's incredible.
Oh, I don't have to tell you. (CHUCKLES)
PEGGY: I'm sorry, Maximo, it's over.
You snooze, you lose, bud.
Okay. But half of everything is mine.
Actually, no.
You signed a prenuptial agreement.
No, no, no, no, no, no. I signed a prenup.
Oh... shit.
Shit!
I'm feeling like playing some cops and robbers tonight.
Mmm? Spice things up a little?
I think I might need to get frisked.
RICK: That polyester looks a little itchy.
MILLICENT: Oh, it'll suit you just fine.
- RICK: No. - MILLICENT: No, no, no.
You're gonna put it on, you're gonna love it.
RICK: Whatever mommy wants, mommy gets.
MILLICENT: That's right.
(♪♪♪)
(WHISPERS) Maximo!
Rick. Oh!
- I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. - Oh, my God!
- You scared me. - (GROANS)
- I'm sorry. Are you okay? - Yeah.
(STAMMERS) What's going on?
Peggy dumped me.
(SIGHS)
What the hell am I gonna do?
I have- I have no money...
no home...
no helicopter...
Oh!
Oh, my God. Stop hitting me!
I'm sorry.
I am on these horse testosterone pills that Millicent makes me take
and they make me a little bit agitated.
- Look... - Oh.
Guys like you and me, we're survivors.
We do whatever it takes to come out on top.
- Yes, yes, yes. - Huh? Look at me.
- Yes. - All right, we survive.
- Yes. - That is what we do.
- Yes, yes. - All you need to do
is find yourself a new wife.
- Yes. Yes. New and improved. - New and improved!
Somebody who's richer and older than Peggy.
Absolutely, yeah. I mean, there's plenty of fish in the sea.
And all I need is a place to stay while I'm fishing.
Well, I know you haven't been in touch for a while,
but you could always try staying at your sister's.
I- I'm not sure. I mean, what about here?
- Oh, no can do. - Why?
Millicent insists that every room be reserved at all times
in case she wants to have a session.
There's- there's not a room that we don't-
- (SIGHS) - There is one place.
- Great! Oh! - I'm so...
It's the pills. It's the pills.
I don't know how these horses do it.
This is Millicent's granddaughter's playhouse.
(SIGHS)
Oh, Millicent's granddaughter has excellent taste.
Millicent's granddaughter has expensive taste.
The place cost a fortune. Horrible little girl.
One time, she made me salt a slug just so she could remember how to laugh.
Anyway, sleep tight.
Thank you.
(SIGHS)
(MOTOR REVVING)
Oh! Oh. (GROANING)
(♪♪♪)
(SIGHS)
So true.
So, um...
how do you guys know each other?
- (SCREAMING) - Oh! Oh, oh...
Oh, my God, oh...
Thanks for letting me stay at your house.
Oh, and sorry! I thought it was a real toilet!
(SCREAMING)
(CLARENCE ASHE'S "SHE SAID I'LL BE A FAILURE" PLAYING)
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey! Leave it alone! Leave it! That's mine!
Leave me alone!
(BEEPING)
(INTERCOM RINGING)
Hello?
Uh... surprise!
It's your brother!
No, sir, you got the wrong apartment.
Uh... Sara! Sara!
(BEEPING)
- (INTERCOM RINGS) - Yes?
Sara?
Who's this?
Maximo?
Yeah. The one and only.
(DISH CLATTERS)
- Sara? - (INTERCOM HANGS UP)
Sara?
Open...
(KNOCKING)
No!
Stop it!
(TUTTING)
Wow.
(GASPS) Oh, my goodness! It's Hector!
Hugo.
Right. What did I say?
Hugo, remember I told you I had an ugly, crazy brother
who was the champion of farting?
- Yes. - That's it.
- (LAUGHS) Hey! How are you? - Uncle Maximo.
- Hi. - Look at you!
You must be six years old by now, huh? (CHUCKLES)
- I just turned 10. - (STAMMERS) Ten?
I know. I was kidding. (CHUCKLES)
Everyone's so serious around here. It's like, "who died?"
My Dad.
Ah...
Yeah, I was... I was sorry to hear about that.
Pictures! Hey, where's my picture?
I don't know. Those are family photos.
- I'm family. - Uncle Maximo,
we're having chicken and rice. Want some?
Um, chicken?
Ugh... you know, may- maybe I'll have a lobster roll.
Or maybe you don't eat.
Mmm.
- Mmm. - Hey, hey, hey.
Why don't you say grace before we start eating?
Hmm, I already started. Next time.
- This time. - (GROANS)
Okay, okay.
Oh...
Um... Dear Lord,
even though we're just eating chicken and rice,
at least we're all here together.
Well, not all of us because Hector's dad is dead.
Hugo. His name is Hugo.
Oh, yeah.
Because Hugo is dead.
Hugo is not dead!
- His father... - Amen.
Amen.
Oh, wait, wait, wait! Uh...
Lord, before you go.
Please...
Please help me find a... a new wife with a big heart.
But not necessarily a strong heart.
With a high net worth,
and a nice, big house,
who doesn't ask me to poke her that often.
(DISHES RATTLE)
- Amen. - Amen.
Amen?
Hey, you got a girlfriend?
- No. - Really?
What's wrong with you?
He's 10, Maximo.
Ah. Late bloomer, huh?
Hugo, I have an idea.
Why don't you tell uncle Max about your science fair project?
And this way, it'll be you talking and not this dummy over here.
Okay. Sure.
I'm sending a weather balloon with a GoPro camera
to the edge of the stratosphere.
Oh, stratosphere. Wow.
I modified the GoPro camera
to send a live video stream back to Earth via FM transmitter.
Wow, transmitter. Wow.
The balloon's gonna go very high up.
And then, we're gonna see, like, a little part of the Earth.
- Earth. Wow. - Yeah.
Now I understand why he doesn't have a girlfriend.
- (SILVERWARE CLATTERS) - Stop it!
(MAXIMO BLOWING AIR)
Wanna know what I'm doing, uncle Maximo?
No.
- Oops. - You know...
I'd prefer my own room.
And I'd prefer for you to be normal, but we get what we get.
- Bedtime. - No, I'm serious.
What about upstairs?
Uh, those are other people's apartments.
Really?
Really. But, hey, why don't you go knock on their door?
Maybe they'll take you in.
I love you.
- I love you, Mom. - Sweet dreams!
(SCOFFS)
Well, I guess I'll just tuck myself in!
How you do this?
Oh!
My God.
(SIGHS)
- Uncle Maximo? - Mmm.
How long were you married?
Twenty-five years. Good night.
And you didn't have to work that whole time?
Nope. Nighty-night.
But what did you do for money?
(SIGHS) I didn't need money. She paid for everything.
Go to sleep.
So, now you have to find a new wife to pay for stuff?
(SIGHS) Yep, that's the plan. Sweet dreams.
How are you going to do that?
(GRUMBLING)
By getting a good night's sleep.
- Why haven't you ever visited us? - I've been busy!
Doing what? You just said you didn't work.
Sara!
- Sara, help! - (DOOR OPENS)
Sara! Emergency, Sara!
- Emergency, Sara! - What's wrong? I'm armed!
- What? - MAXIMO: Sara!
(YELLING)
I'm trying to go to sleep and the kid won't stop talking!
You were talking, too!
- To tell you to stop talking! - That's still talking!
You were... I was trying to tuck in!
- No, no, no! - Enough!
You almost gave me a heart attack, look. I thought we were being robbed.
I was being robbed! Of my beauty sleep.
(GRUNTING) Shut up! Shh!
Go to sleep! Both of you!
Yes, Mommy.
And no more talking about not talking!
And no more talking about poking, either.
Tattletale.
Poke you!
(AIR HISSING)
(STOPS HISSING)
- (HISSING) - (STOPS HISSING)
Oh, God.
- (SNORING) - (MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANING)
Oh! (GROANING)
Did you put your homework in your backpack?
- Yes. - Good.
(SIGHS)
- Morning. - Morning. (GROANS)
- Morning. - Morning.
Oh, we have rules here. Any dish that you use, you have to wash.
- (RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) - (SIGHS)
I didn't know we could do that.
- We can't! - (KNOCK ON DOOR)
So don't even think about it.
Oh! James!
- Hi. - Hi!
Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. You have a guest. Uh...
I don't have a guest.
Oh, that? That's my brother Maximo.
Oh, oh! Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure is all mine. - Ah.
Um, you know what?
My doorknob is sticking again. (CHUCKLES)
- Can you believe it? - Again?
I know! It's crazy, right? Uh...
Can I borrow your tools? Or...
Oh, no, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Easy. Easy-peasy.
I'd love to.
Got a sticky knob.
Why don't you go ahead and I'll meet you there, like, in five minutes?
Okay. You're the best. Thank you.
It's nothing.
Are you two...?
What are you doing?
(WHISTLING)
What are you implying?
(PANTING)
No!
It's an old building!
Go get dressed! Look at you! We have to leave in five minutes.
Hugo, get your stuff. I'll meet you in the car.
Sticky knob.
Look.
That sad man has to spin that sign like a fool, for all to see.
SARA: At least he has a job.
Which is more than I can say about another man in this car.
Work's for suckers.
Mom! Uncle Maximo said the "S" word.
- That's not the "S" word. - What is?
- Can I tell him? - No!
Shit. (GASPS)
MAXIMO: So, you're a big-time architect now.
SARA: Junior architect.
But I still haven't gotten my own house to design,
so I'm not going to be late for work
because you take two hours to blow-dry your hair.
- I am trusting you with my car... - Uh-huh.
I am trusting you with my car, and I am trusting you with my son.
You need to go out there, and find yourself a job.
- Uh-huh. - You pick me up at 5:00, okay?
Okay, I'll try to remember.
You will remember because I have no other way to get back home.
I said I'd try. Jeez!
Five o'clock!
Is she always like this?
No, I just think she doesn't like you.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow. I smell money.
How do you go here?
I have an academic scholarship to cover some of my tuition.
My mom has to pay the rest.
You can drop me off here.
Drop you off? Are you kidding?
I'll walk you in.
Where do the rich, single moms park?
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait. - What?
(♪♪♪)
Friend of yours?
Arden? No. I wish.
She doesn't even know I exist.
Why do you say that?
Because she's a girl and she's cute.
And I'm me.
You make a great point. You are... you.
How old is she?
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, she's turning 10 next week.
I heard she's having a big birthday party.
No, no, not the kid. Her.
Oh, that's Arden's grandmother.
She's perfect.
- Name? - I think it's Celeste.
- Celeste what? - Celeste Burch.
Is there a Grandpa Burch?
He died last year.
Great. Great! That's great news! He's dead.
And... so very sad.
Life's a gift.
Okay, kid. Have a great day.
But I thought you wanted to walk me in?
What are you, a baby? You can walk yourself in.
Go on, then!
I got work to do.
Hey! (CHUCKLES)
May I help you?
It's me, Maximo!
I'm an old friend of Celeste's.
I feel like we've met before, right?
- I don't think so. - I think so.
- You're Brian, right? - Quincy.
Oh! I knew it started with a "Q" or a "B" or an "S."
Quincy. That's a great name, Quincy.
I was named after my grandfather's dog.
The legacy lives on.
- Don't touch me. - Oh, yeah.
And where did you say you met Celeste?
(STAMMERS) At the sports event.
(GASPS) Oh, the polo match?
- Yes, exactly. - Oh!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Oh, the one back in April? - That's the one, yeah.
She never went to a polo match back in April.
Uh... May?
No.
- June? July? - No. No.
- August? September? - No. No.
- October? November? - No. No.
- December? January? - No. No.
- February? No.
- March! - No.
- April? - You already said "April. "
And you said?
(WHISPERS) No.
Oh, oh, oh! I'm so sorry.
I must've gotten confused, yeah.
- March. - No.
Of course. Thanks.
- Pizza delivery! - (PHONE RINGTONE PLAYING)
Hey, man, what's up? I'm- I'm a little busy.
Listen! I think I found my next wife!
- You ever hear of Celeste Burch? - Celeste Burch?
She's worth 10 Peggy Von Strausses.
- You ever meet her? - I have not had the pleasure.
But Millicent was supposed to go
to her charity function today at the Pacific Woodruff.
The Pacific Woodruff, today?
Yeah, I mean, go get her.
Be the best 500 bucks you ever spent.
(EXHALES) $500?
Yeah. That's the cost of the charity event ticket.
Seems like the opposite of charity.
- MILLICENT: Pizza boy! - I gotta go. Duty calls.
One extra-large sausage. That'll be $17.50.
I'm afraid I don't have any change.
Well, maybe we'll just have to work something out between us.
Mmm...
(CHUCKLES) Maybe.
(SIGHS) Five hundred dollars.
(♪♪♪)
Hi. Uh...
I need to get my car wrapped. And I need the cash up front.
Bro, is he here about the bike? Are you here about the bike?
- No. - No, bro.
He's not here for your stupid tiny bike. All right?
He got the thing online, the idiot.
- Oh... yeah. - We all make mistakes, okay?
You're not perfect. I misunderstood the dimensions.
Oh, it happens.
Anyway, you thought about what kind of ad
- you wanna wrap your car in? - Um. I mean...
This looked a lot bigger on the Internet,
because they had a picture with a little boy, so it seemed much bigger.
- Yeah, great. Great. - How do you not know the difference
between a little boy and a grown man?
He looked older. He had a little bit of a mustache.
Look at this. This was in the picture.
It was a boy with a mustache, so I assumed-
Whatever pays the most!
Oh, sorry. Was that rude?
I'm just- I-I'm in a rush. That's all. I'm in a rush.
- The man's in rush. - Yes. Thank you.
Here are the terms.
- Wrap stays on the car for 90 days. - Yes.
If you take it off before that, you have to pay us the money back.
Not a problem. Yeah.
- Leave the wrap on the vehicle. - Yes, I-I will.
Can we start as soon as possible?
(♪♪♪)
SCOTT: $1,000.
Keep it close, paisano.
(♪♪♪)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
WOMAN: Good afternoon, sir.
(VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING)
Sir?
Would you like to buy a ticket?
Yes, I would.
Poolside.
Perfect.
WOMAN: Sir?
(CASH COUNTER BEEPS AND DINGS)
Keep the change.
(MAXIMO GARGLING)
Am I making you wet?
(CHUCKLES) Am I making you wet?
Am I (SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
("BETUN" STARTS PLAYING)
(♪♪♪)
MAN 1: This guy's from another planet.
Come to papa.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
MAN 2: Is that shit?
(♪♪♪)
(PANTING)
(GROANS)
Am I making you wet?
(SCREAMS)
Sorry.
Am I making you wet?
No, no, bone-dry. Thanks for asking, though. Come on.
- All right... - Hey, unhand me, sir.
I just want to speak to Celeste.
Listen, Menudo.
You think you're the first money-grubbing gigolo
to throw himself at my boss?
Maybe not the first, but I'm hoping to be the last.
No. Not while I'm working for her.
- (SCOFFS) - She's been through too much,
emotionally and surgically, to put up with this.
You can't keep me away.
- No, I can! I can keep- - No, you can't. No.
- Very easily keep you away! - No, you can't.
I just did!
No- Well, yes, you did.
So unless you have a written invitation to her home,
you're not going anywhere near her.
Hey, there's your clown suit.
All right, and here's your... car, too.
I don't speak Spanish.
(PHONE RINGTONE PLAYING)
Hey, bro. Did you make your move?
I sort of made a move. Can you talk?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Millicent's just taking a post-coital cool-off.
Tell me you closed her.
Tell me you closed her during the silent auction.
She didn't even see me. I'm not sure about this one.
She's impossible to get to.
I have no in.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) - (MUSIC PLAYING)
Or maybe I do.
Sound... sounds like you have an idea,
but I can't tell, 'cause I can't see your face.
- Describe your face. - My face?
- Yeah, what's it look like? - Eh...
Thoughtful, very handsome, with a hint of mischief.
That's the spirit. Hey, I'm there for you, whatever you need.
Unless it's money, 'cause then I can't do it, 'cause I'm on an allowance.
Great, great, okay.
Listen, find out whatever you can about Celeste.
Interests, passions, hobbies.
When I'm invited to her home,
I plan on sealing the deal.
- I will ask around the club. - Thanks.
And I've got work to do on my end.
- (HORN HONKS) - (CHILDREN CHATTERING)
Hey. Hey!
My eyes are up here. Get in.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
HUGO: Usually we just come here on Sundays,
because Mom says it's too much sugar to have more than once a week.
- Oh. Wow. - Yeah.
Anyway, so, Hugo, I wanna talk to you about Arden.
♪ Froyolo, look out, that's right ♪
♪ You gotta let your fantasies out for a bite ♪
♪ Say your name Hugo! ♪
♪ Ain't no shame ♪
♪ Froyolo ♪
♪ Froyolo! ♪
Do they make you sing that every time?
I get to sing that every time.
Okay.
You know, if you guess the weight of your yogurt, it's on the house.
Five pounds.
That's so off.
- I'll give you one more guess. - Thirty pounds.
Let's check. (BEEPS)
(IMITATES BUZZER) Wow, they're 14 ounces.
(SIGHS) I was so close.
That'll be $6.50.
Hey, watch and learn.
Oh, I like your bandages.
Oh, I, um... I have a lot of rescue cats.
- Really? - Yeah.
So I'm no stranger to scratches. I'm always bleeding.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, thank you, uh...
- Cindy. - Wow, Cindy.
What an enchanting name!
Oh, thank you.
If these frozen yogurts are half as sweet as you,
we're in for quite a treat.
Wow.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You said 14 ounces, right?
Thank you...
sweet Cindy.
I hope your pussycats realize
what a beautiful scratching post they have in you.
Bye.
I am a beautiful scratching post.
See what I did there? Mmm?
You got us froyo for free?
No, my skills of seduction got us froyo for free.
- Hmm. - What if I told you
I can teach you how to use your skills of seduction
to get what you want?
Argh, I forgot to ask for gummy bears.
Screw the gummy bears! I'm talking about Arden!
Hey, I can get you invited to her birthday party.
Hmm? Would you like that?
You can't get me invited to Arden's birthday party.
(SCOFFS) Baby, please.
- It's impossible. - Somebody asked for gummy bears?
- They're on the house. - (CHUCKLES)
Thank you, sweet Cindy.
- Sure. - Thank you.
I have gummy bears coming out of my ears. Literally.
Not literally, but they are
in a surprising amount of places around here. (LAUGHS)
- Thank you. - Uh-huh.
(CHUCKLING)
See? I can make things happen for you.
Hmm?
(♪♪♪)
When do we start?
We just did.
Okay, lesson number one.
Eye contact.
Follow me. Follow me.
- Eye contact. Follow me. - Okay.
Okay, eye contact is power, Hugo.
Women will lust after you.
Now, it's your turn, okay?
I'm Arden. Say hello to me.
Okay.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hello, Hugo. I'm Arden.
Hello, Arden.
You broke eye contact. You broke eye contact!
'Cause you threw a gummy bear at me.
Well, life will throw gummy bears at you.
Okay, do it again.
Stop throwing gummy bears!
Stop breaking eye contact.
Hello, Arden.
Ah... Not bad.
Good eye contact.
Not bad at all.
You guys are getting real creative with these gummy bears.
Most people just eat them.
Okay, lesson number two.
Women love when men take control,
'cause women have no idea what they want.
"Uh, I'll have the steak, and the lady will have the Cobb salad. "
But what if she doesn't want the Cobb salad?
Listen, a woman would rather eat
something you order for her that she doesn't want,
rather than something she ordered for herself that she does want.
It doesn't make sense. Like, at all.
You know what doesn't make sense? What is that? Hmm?
You under house arrest or what?
It's a planetary watch.
Some people call it an astronomical watch.
Well, I call it an "I'm gonna die a virgin" watch.
Lose it. Let's go.
Wait, uncle Maximo, what is a virgin?
It's an airline.
Last lesson of the day. Your walk.
Your walk says more about you than your mouth ever can.
My walk?
Yes, your walk. Show me your walk.
Do I just walk?
- Just walk. Walk like you walk. - Okay.
Fuck me.
Horseshit.
Sit and watch.
Loose stride.
Sleepy eyes.
Smiling just a little bit,
because you know what all the ladies are thinking.
What are the ladies thinking?
"Look at that confidence.
He must be great in bed. "
- I'm great in bed. - What?
I don't pee or anything anymore.
Come on, mama's boy. Let's walk.
("SOPA DE CARACOL" PLAYING THROUGHOUT)
My God!
Loose stride.
Sleepy eyes.
What are you doing?
Pretend there is a girl, and you're walking towards her.
- Feel your sexiness. - I don't feel my sexy.
What is that? You're walking exactly like the geese.
Let's go. Don't watch the geese, okay?
A girl pass by.
Turn around, walk backwards.
Sexy, sexy.
What is this? What is this? What is this?
One more time.
Feel it in your crotch.
- You want everyone to see down here. - No, I don't.
Look at me. You're learning from the best.
Okay, one more time.
(INAUDIBLE)
Do you feel sexy right now?
- Yes. - Great.
Okay, one more time.
Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
There you go. Much better.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, shit! (SONG ENDS)
Okay.
One more time.
SARA: Gwen!
I wanted to see if you heard back on the Robinson account.
Sara, I was really hoping to avoid you, and then ignore you a bunch
- before you could ask me about this. - I know, sorry.
I can ask you again tomorrow, as soon as you get out of the car.
No, no, we can't unbreak this egg. All right.
They loved you. They thought you were incredible.
But they're gonna go with someone who has...
More experience.
Oh, I'm sorry. Can I finish? (CHUCKLES)
- Oh, sorry. No... - (LAUGHS)
Yes, yes.
Someone who has more experience.
You finished?
Yeah.
(SIGHS) I just don't know what to do.
I can't get a job because I don't have any experience.
And I can't get experience if I don't get a job.
(HORN HONKS) Hey, Mom!
I'm here.
Five o'clock. I remembered.
You have nothing to complain about.
I thought you'd be happy. I got a job.
Turning my car into a stripper-mobile? It's not a job.
- What's a stripper? - It's only 90 days.
No, it's not. You get this trash off my car today!
- Hey... - Today!
HUGO: Oh, I know!
Those guys that- no, wait, girls
that dance on the poles naked, right?
(♪♪♪)
HUGO: Icebergs. They're literally just floating ice on the water.
Water. Astonishing.
So when it melts, it's like, uh, soda.
- So it's like bubbles... - Like bubbles, wow.
- ... of carbon dioxide. - Interesting.
Hugo, where's your watch?
You mean my "die a virgin" watch?
- What did you say? - (MAXIMO COUGHS)
- "Die a virgin" watch. - (CHUCKLING) Kids.
Where do they come up with this stuff?
Uncle Maximo told me to take it off.
He's training me to get girls to like me.
- He's training you? - Yes.
What the hell are you teaching my son?
Nothing, nothing, nothing. It's just silly guy talk.
It wasn't silly.
I've learned how to undress a woman with my eyes.
And how to walk so a woman will know I'm good in bed.
- (GASPS) - He said women have
no idea what they want and you have to tell them what to do.
No. I... I... I never used those words exactly.
Sure you did. I wrote it all down in this notebook.
- What notebook? - "Lesson number... "
(CLATTERS)
(MOUTHING) Come on, now.
Look, Hugo needs to focus on his schoolwork.
He has a crush on a girl at school.
I'm trying to help the kid.
No.
No more sugar-mama-catching training!
Hugo already has a mother. Understood?
Yes, Mommy.
Understood?
Hey, pull my finger.
Pull it.
- False alarm. - Yeah.
Are you writing a love letter to Arden?
No, I was just writing to my dad.
Your dad?
You know he'll never get those letters, right?
I know. It's just a way for me to feel close to him.
Don't you ever think about your dad?
- No. - Never?
Never.
Do you remember anything about him?
Hmm, I remember he worked a lot.
Oh, and he parked his truck in our house once.
(FARTS) Oh. There it is.
- (SNORTS) - Late bloomer.
(SIGHS) I remember a lot about my dad.
He was fun.
I think he'd be happy that you're here, and that you're helping me.
That's what I was just writing him.
(♪♪♪)
Uncle Maximo, can I show you my science project?
(STAMMERS) Uh, in the morning.
- Please. - (SNORES)
I know that you're really not sleeping.
- (SNORES LOUDER) - (AIR HISSING)
Uncle Maximo, please?
(HISSING STOPS)
- (AIR HISSING) - Okay, in the morning.
Oh, God...
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
It's morning. Uncle Maximo?
Remember when you told me that I could show you
my science fair project in the morning?
Well, here it is. My weather balloon.
And here is the GoPro camera,
which will be attached to the weather balloon, which will go up in space.
- It's cool, right? - Amazing.
Now will you please get it out of my face, so I can go back to sleep?
Get up, lazy bum!
Time to go get a job!
Here, I circled the ones that I think will be good for your qualifications,
like human statue,
mattress tester,
dog poop picker-upper.
It's Sunday. What place would even be open?
It's Thursday.
Want me to deflate the balloon?
(SARA, CLAPPING HANDS) Let's go, Hugo!
The science fair is next Sunday. School is today.
Hey, no, Hugo. Hey! Sara!
SARA: Get a job!
(♪♪♪)
Hey! Condos! Condos!
(SCOFFS)
Oh! Oh. Oh.
- Oh. - (TIRES SCREECHING)
(MAN GRUNTS)
- Oh! What... - (GROANS)
- Sorry! - DISABLED MAN: I'm okay!
I'm okay!
(CHUCKLES) He's okay.
He's okay. (TIRES SCREECH)
Oh! (ALL GASP)
DRIVER: Sir, are you okay? (MUSIC PLAYING)
- It wasn't me. It wasn't me! - DISABLED MAN: I'm all right!
This neighborhood isn't that bad.
I was expecting something out of a horror movie.
This is more like something out of an independent movie.
Stop trying to make me feel better.
"Stop trying to make me feel better. "
- Are you teasing me? - "Are you teasing me?"
Hey! What are you doing?
Oh. I'm sorry.
Millicent is fantasizing about this Professor Rojas.
She's got me dressing like him, talking like him.
But I can't do an accent to save my life.
And I can't sleep on an air mattress one more night.
You find any intel on Celeste Burch?
As a matter of fact, I did.
Now before I share this-
I don't think that she's the right mark for you.
Oh, come on!
"Celeste Burch's passions.
Avid mountain climber. Loves train travel.
Favorite food, fried chicken. "
Great. This will help. Thanks.
(SPANISH ACCENT) All right. It is time to go.
- (NORMAL ACCENT) Anything? - Terrible.
(SPANISH ACCENT) It is time to go.
You sound like Dora the Explorer.
(SPANISH ACCENT) Now is the go- when it is time to go.
- Speedy Gonzales. - Really?
All right. Hola.
Everybody knows how to say that.
And somehow you screwed it up.
(SCOFFS)
"Ho-la. " (SCOFFS)
(ENGINE STARTS)
SCOTT: I'm positive, that's the car!
NICK: But why would we pay him if he's not gonna do it?
(♪♪♪)
We paid him a lot of money.
Hey, hey, hey, Nick. It's the guy.
(HORN BLARING)
- You, stop. You, stop! - (TIRES SCREECH)
Well, look who it is.
No, no, no. Where do you think you're going?
- Where you going, man, huh? - I was just looking for you guys.
- Where are you going? - I was just looking for you guys.
We clearly said, "Don't take the wrap off!"
Ever!
(STAMMERS) Yes, yes. I remember.
And I thought you did a great job with the wrapping.
But you see, my sister felt differently.
- Oh. Oh, oh. - Oh.
- His sister. Yeah, I get it. - It was his sister.
- Women! (CHUCKLES) - Right, yeah, please.
You don't have to tell Nick and I about that.
Yeah.
- (GROANS) - Get his nuts!
- I got 'em. I got both of 'em. - Get his nuts!
- Get both of 'em. - I... I got 'em.
You just give us our money and we'll be fine.
I spent it. I spent it.
Well, I sincerely hope
that you bought something you really wanted, or needed.
God, you're terrible at this, Nick! Just think before you talk.
Can you do that? It's not hard.
I made a mistake. (STAMMERS)
I'll get you the money, I promise.
(PANTING)
Come on, guys. I mean, it's just $1,000.
- One week. You got one week. - Yes. Yes.
- One week. - SCOTT: Let's go.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
SCOTT: Yes! I didn't see that coming. Nice!
- Thought we were done, right? - You feel that?
Feel that? That's two hands.
You want four hands? That's four hands.
- SCOTT: Yeah, there it is! - NICK: That's four hands.
- One week. - One week.
(GASPING)
One week, homeboy.
We went four hands on that dude, man! That was badass.
SCOTT: His balls are so big.
NICK: Better get that money, or next time it's eight hands!
SCOTT: Guy doesn't have $1,000? Get a job, bonehead!
(INHALES DEEPLY)
♪ Froyolo, look out, that's right ♪
♪ You gotta get your fantasies out for a bite ♪
♪ Say your name Jose ♪
♪ Ain't no shame ♪
♪ Froyolo... ♪
♪ FROYOLO! ♪
Such a good effort.
It's only lacking joy, soul, rhythm and musicality.
And I'd cry way less. Maybe not at all.
(♪♪♪)
(GROANING)
HUGO: But what ifmom finds out we're training again?
Hugo, you can't live your life afraid that something bad will happen,
- or you'll never really live. - Okay.
So, you've gotten her to notice you with your sexy walk,
you've intrigued her with a strong eye contact.
Now, it's time to talk to her.
I don't think I can.
(SCOFFS) Relax, Hugo.
I mean, it's not like you've never talked to a girl before.
Yes, it is. I've never talked to a girl before.
- Really? - Yeah.
They make me really nervous, and then my nose starts to sweat.
- Your nose sweats? - Yeah.
- Your... your... your nose? - Yes.
- I-I can't help you with that, I- - Stop mocking me.
- Well, come on, let's go. - Well, where are we going?
You're too in your head, kid. You need to relax.
("COME ON TWIST" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Goddammit.
I don't like the bowling balls here. Too slippery.
I'm gonna grab a Coke. You want one?
Cokes have no nutritional value. Neither do eggplants.
Okay, two Cokes.
GIRL: Nice form.
Thanks.
My name's Gabi. What's yours?
My name is Hugo.
(CHUCKLES) You're cute, Hugo.
Thank you.
See ya.
Thank... thank you.
- What was that? - She just called me cute!
- She said you were cute? - Yes!
I guess my mom is not the only one that thinks that!
Guess not. (CHUCKLES)
What is that crap on your nose?
It's sweat!
Oh, wait. My shoes.
Okay, I'll be right back.
- Don't get kidnapped. - Okay.
Thank you. Those, please.
Nice work.
I aim to please.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
COACH: All right, good practice, ladies.
MAXIMO: Okay, remember, Eye contact and confidence.
Come on, take that off.
You can do it! Now we're talking!
Look at that! You are a Greek God.
Abs of steel.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Is my nose sweating?
Yeah, a little bit, but it'll wash off when you get in the water.
- Okay. - Okay, come on!
- Go get her! - Okay! (GROWLS)
You can do this. Come on, stallion.
I'm here with my mom.
Yeah. I'm going home. I'll see you later.
- Do you need a towel? - (STUFFED UP) No, no, no.
MAXIMO: Eye contact. Eye contact.
- Hi, Arden. - Hi, Hugo.
- You know my name? - Yeah, I know your name.
Just so you know, I mean "h-i," not "h-i-g-h. "
Okay.
(COACH BLOWS WHISTLE)
Let's go, ladies! Practice is over.
We gotta clear the pool area. Everybody out!
Yes!
- Yes? - Yes!
- She invited me to her party!
She invited me to her party!
- She invited me! - (MAXIMO LAUGHING)
We did it! That's exactly what I needed.
- Yes! - Yes!
To see my nephew happy.
- Yes! - Yes! Yes!
- Yes! - Yeah, man! You got it!
- Whoo! - (HUGO EXCLAIMS)
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
(MAXIMO LAUGHS)
Gwen, I heard about the Pasadena project.
- Yeah. - Listen, I have some ideas.
I know it's a long shot, but please take a look.
I'd love a chance.
And I promise that I would treat it like my own child.
(horn honks)
- (SCREAMS) - Hey, Mom!
The 101 was wide open.
(LAUGHS) It's okay, I just let him drive from around the block.
- (STAMMERS) - Huh.
Don't worry, I'm not one of those people who's concerned about children.
Hugo, that's wonderful! A party with other kids!
- So, can I go? - Of course!
I'll take you. It'll be great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sara, you work so hard. I'll take him.
Are you kidding me? I can't wait to meet Hugo's new friend.
Plus we get to see the big mansion of the grandmother, right?
- Yes! - Hey, hey, hey, no offense,
but I think Hugo would much rather go with me.
(SCOFFING) I mean, look at you.
Look at me. (CHUCKLES)
- Look at you. Look at me. - Maximo...
- I mean, right? Right?
The words should sound right in your head
before they leave the lips in your stupid face.
I don't care who brings me. I'm just excited to go.
I'm bringing you, honey.
I'm sure uncle Maximo has better things to do on a Saturday.
HUGO: Okay.
(♪♪♪)
(SIGHS)
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
- James. - (YELLS)
Oh! Oh, shit! You scared me!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (GROANS)
It's Maximo. Sara's brother.
Yeah, why are you hiding in my garbage?
We need to talk. It's about Sara.
Oh, my God. What happened?
It's not what happened.
It's what hasn't happened.
I don't understand.
- What do you mean? - James, uh...
I'm not saying I get it, but she likes you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) - Hey, hey, I have an idea.
Like, take her out on... Saturday.
- Saturday? - Don't you think
you've waited long enough?
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Door!
- MAXIMO: It's your turn. - HUGO: No, wait.
MAXIMO: You need to match that.
- HUGO: What do I do with that? - (knocking continues)
- (HUGO TALKING INDISTINCTLY) - MAXIMO: What is that?
Please don't bother yourselves.
JUST KEEP DOING NOTHING THERE
while I cook and I open the door, and whatever else you need...
Hi.
Hi, James!
- Hi. Hi. - Is it the door again?
I'll go get my tools.
Oh, no, no, no, um, no, actually it's, um...
It's...
It's my sink.
(COUGHS)
I was just kidding about my sink. (LAUGHS)
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Funny.
So, do you need something?
Or did you just come here to tell me your sink joke?
No, no, no, actually, I didn't. I mean, I did,
but, I came up to ask you
if you were free on Saturday and if you wanted to...
if you wanted to come out on a date with me.
What? Oh.
I... I don't know.
- Okay. - Mom, are you okay?
Um... you wanna think about it?
- I don't know. - She's acting weird.
- Maybe? - Yeah.
She'll just think about it and get back to you.
Okay. All right. But, you know, let me know either way.
I told you. This guy likes you.
I don't wanna talk about it.
- Hey! - I'm going to my room.
- Hey! - Finish the dinner.
(SIGHS)
(♪♪♪)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Don't come in.
I'm sleeping.
- (CHUCKLES) - Mmm!
(MAXIMO LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
(♪♪♪)
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
(CONTINUES SINGING)
(SINGING UPBEAT)
(BOTH SINGING)
("EL TRISTE" SALSA VERSION PLAYING)
(BOTH SINGING LOUDLY)
- Mom? - (IMITATING TRUMPET)
(CONTINUES SINGING)
Mom! Mom!
Hugo! Did we wake you up?
Yes. You're singing very loudly and bumping into things.
Go to sleep. Both of you.
Okay.
(LAUGHING)
- Okay, here we go. - (TEXT TONE PLAYING)
(♪♪♪)
Hugo!
You have no room to judge.
(♪♪♪)
WOMAN: Sorry for the spill.
(SIGHS)
What the hell happened to me?
Lookie what the cat dragged in.
- It's payday. - Oh. Great. Thank you!
Hey, where's the rest of it?
Try feeding 50 cats on that kind of money. (SCOFFS)
It's meow-trageous.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
What?
"Old man"?
Not for long.
(SPANISH VERSION OF "CALL ME" PLAYING THROUGHOUT)
Give me the works.
(GROANING)
(YELLS)
(SNEEZES)
Sorry!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - Ahh!
Ow!
(SIGHS)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
MAXIMO: Hey.
Ta-da!
Mmm-hmm.
What are you telling your dad tonight?
Just that I'm excited to go to Arden's party.
And that...
I'm glad you're going with me.
Oh. I patched it up for you.
So you can sleep better.
(♪♪♪)
Give me a piece of paper, Hugo. I wanna write a letter, too.
To who?
My dad.
I wanna tell him about his amazing grandson.
HUGO: Can we do this every night?
- MAXIMO: Sure. - (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
It could be our thing.
Hey, pull my finger.
(FARTS) Oh.
- Too late. - Oh.
Sorry.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(♪♪♪)
(GROANS)
- Today's the party! - MAXIMO: Really?
I haven't been thinking about it.
Mommy's taking me to get a haircut.
Tell 'em not too short. You don't have the ears for it.
Why don't you stop talking? You don't have the mouth for it.
Hugo, come here.
Hey!
I made the wall! (CHUCKLES)
Wow! What happened? Huh?
It's been kind of nice having you here.
- Mmm! - Right?
It's been okay.
- Oh, just okay? - (LAUGHING) Okay! Okay!
It's been very nice having you, uncle Maximo.
Now we're talking.
- See you later. - Bye.
- See you, uncle Maximo. - Bye.
Don't sprinkle the toilet.
- I'll do my best. - (DOOR CLOSES)
Mmm.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - (GROANS) God!
Now what?
- You're hurt. - (GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(CHUCKLING) Hey, guys!
I was just looking for you. (CHUCKLES)
Coffee?
Coffee. (LAUGHS)
Money!
NICK: We're not here for coffee, man!
- What are you talking about? - Money! Give us our money.
- When did we care for coffee? - Give us our money!
- We don't even like that. - You stole from me!
- Give us our money! - Get the money!
(STAMMERS) Yeah, money.
I don't exactly have it.
What do you mean, "exactly"?
He means he doesn't have it.
Well, then why not just say that you don't have it?
Why even say the word "exactly" at all?
Hey, I'm gonna pay you. I promise.
Hey, you got a real nice place here. By nice place, I mean a total dump.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
People should just say what they mean, that's confusing.
- Guys. - (SIGHS)
This... this is my sister's place. Please.
SCOTT: You know what your problem is?
You don't have any respect for money, man.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
- No, it doesn't. - Nicky!
It would be cool if it did.
Nicky, please!
I'm just backing up your point. You could literally rake it up.
- What are you doing? - Hey, guys.
I totally forgot what I was talking about.
- What if we took stuff of yours, sir? - Yeah! Okay, that's a good point.
What if we walked in and just started taking stuff, huh?
- What if I took this thing? - No, please.
I don't even know what it is.
- No, please. - Huh? What about this?
- What if I took this? - No, no. No, not that.
No! That- that- that's my nephew's. That's important.
- Please. Yeah. - Oh, this is important to you?
You probably don't want me to have it, then, huh?
No, please, no. No, no. Don't do that, please.
No. No, don't do that, please. Okay, okay.
What do you like? Huh? Sports cars?
Helicopters? Rolex watches?
I promise I'm good for the money, and so much more.
I don't need a Rolex, bro.
- You know something? - What?
- You seem like a very sincere guy. - I am.
But I don't believe that you can do anything that you say you're gonna do.
So give us our money, and you can have the camera back.
It's that simple.
Please. Hey! Please, please, please.
- Hey. - Hey.
Have a real nice day.
And by that I mean, do not have a real nice day.
- (GROANS) - (BOTH LAUGH)
NICK: I get it! Sometimes it's funny
to not say exactly what you mean.
- No! The camera! - (DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, the camera! (GROANS)
- (DOOR OPENS) - Uncle Maximo, we're home!
- Are you ready? - (DOOR CLOSES)
(STAMMERS) Almost!
- (SIGHS DEEPLY) - ("FIREWALKER DAMELO VERSION" PLAYING)
- Wow, we look the same. - Yep.
- Maximo, Minimo. - (BOTH LAUGH)
Wow, Mom! You look pretty.
And you so handsome!
That dress is really tight on you.
- You mean I look fat? - No, no, no.
- No. - In a good way, I mean.
Because you can see all the body parts in your body.
I'm gonna change.
- No, no, no. No. - No.
- Let's make some magic happen. - Yeah!
Arden, here we come. Whoo!
(♪♪♪)
HUGO: Wow. Look at this place.
Yep. This will do just fine.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
There she is.
Yep. There she is.
Hey, Hugo. Just remember everything I taught you, okay?
Thank you, uncle Maximo.
Go get her.
Go get her, Latin lover.
(♪♪♪)
Hello.
Hello. Have we met?
Only in my dreams.
(LAUGHING)
(CHILDREN LAUGHING AND CHATTERING)
Oh, Hugo.
Did you hurt your leg?
Nah, baby. I was just walkin'.
My nephew is quite fond of your granddaughter.
Really? Oh.
Do I have something on my face?
Yes. You have my full attention.
(CHUCKLING) Okay.
It's enchanting to meet you, uh...
- Maximo. - Maximo.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, baby. What do you say we, like, leave this place?
What do you mean? It's my birthday party.
Drinks?
Allow me, please.
Uh, excuse me.
The lady and I will have your finest champagne.
She'll have a Sprite, and I'll have a Coke.
Something as refreshing and exciting as she is.
- Of course. - (CHUCKLING) Oh, well...
Actually, I'll just have some water. Thanks.
Women. They never know what they want.
Am I right? She'll have a Sprite, like I said.
WAITER: But of course.
I have to go.
(SIGHS)
Arden, wait!
Shall we grab a bite?
(LAUGHING)
Wait! Wait.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry I was acting so weird.
Can we start over?
Is that a planetary watch?
Oh. Yeah.
Want to check out the rest of my party?
- Sure. - Come on.
(HUGO CHUCKLES)
- (GLASSES CLINK) - Cheers. (CHUCKLES)
- Beautiful party. - Isn't it?
MAXIMO: Yeah.
CELESTE: Such a beautiful day.
Mountains, trains, chickens.
- (CELESTE SIGHS) - Hmm.
That's quite the mountain of melon balls.
You know, climbing is one of my greatest passions.
In fact, I'm training for Everest.
Of course... "It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves. "
- Sir Edmund Hillary. - Yes!
- You climb? - Oh, once upon a time, but not anymore.
Oh, nonsense.
A beautiful, strong woman like yourself surely has many climbs left in her.
Not this woman, I'm afraid.
(CHUCKLING) Give me one good reason.
- Frostbite. - Oh, my God.
South face of Everest.
Just thinking about it gives me day tremors.
I hate climbing.
You convinced me. I hate it, too.
Oh.
What I really love? Train travel!
So classic. Wouldn't you agree?
- (CLEARS THROAT) - Oh, Jesus!
Steam locomotive. 1950.
- You have no arms? - I was playing on the tracks
and got stuck.
I'm afraid I haven't much fondness for trains.
Now, if you'll excuse me a moment, please.
Chicken!
Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!
- Chicken? - Yes, chicken!
I'm sure you love fried chicken.
Having my limbs torn from my body...
- Okay. - ... helped me to realize
just how barbaric the treatment of chickens is in our culture.
I'm vegetarian.
- Which is why I founded... - Of course you did.
The Burch Poultry Rehabilitation Center!
Now, if you'll forgive me a moment, please.
Oh, shit.
Ugh.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Argh.
- Chicken. - (PHONE RINGTONE PLAYING)
(RINGTONE STOPS)
Rick?
- Rick. - Hey!
- What are you doing here? - Hey, I was just, uh...
Waiting for me to make a fool of myself in front of Celeste?
- Yes. - I mean...
All that information you gave me was wrong.
- It was. - How could you do that to me?
Because I can't take another second of Millicent.
Last night, she made me dress up as her father. What is that about?
I think it's pretty clear.
I guess you're right.
- Well, so leave her! - Leave her?
And end up like you? With nothing?
Look, it's survival of the fittest. Come on, bro.
You know the game. No hard feelings.
Hey, what- Rick!
Hey, Rick! Where are you going? Rick!
(SONG PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
I believe they're playing our song. May I?
Oh, I'm sorry, do I know you?
- I'm Rick Parsons. - I see...
- May I cut in? - No, I don't think that's a good idea.
- I saw her first. - Well, I was aware of her first.
- Well, I don't care. - Come right this way.
- Let her go! Let her go! - Stop it!
- Oh, oh! - (ALL GASPING)
Oh. You can't, uh...
You know...
(STAMMERS) How do I, uh...
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
My liege.
Get out!
- Yes. - Yep.
- You pulled her arm off. - No, no, you pulled it off.
No, you pulled it off first.
Bad friend! Coward! You have no shame!
(WEIRD AL'S "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" PLAYING)
- You were my best friend! - (GRUNTS)
- Why? - Get off me!
♪ Happy birthday! ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
♪ Well, it's time to celebrate your birthday ♪
♪ It happens every year ♪
♪ We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer ♪
♪ You should be good and happy ♪
♪ That there's something you can eat ♪
♪A million people every day... ♪
- (SCREAMS) - (ALL GASP)
BOY: They're fighting!
(BOTH GRUNT)
(GASPS)
- MAN: Hey, guys! - WOMAN: Cut it out!
MAN: It's a kid's birthday party!
MAXIMO: You betrayed me!
RICK: It was just business. It wasn't personal!
(BOTH PANTING)
You knew... you knew how much I needed this!
You knew how desperate I was!
Celeste was my way out!
You think I want to spend the rest of my life
living with my sister and my nephew in their crappy little apartment?
I thought you said you liked living with us.
Hugo. No, no. I- I-
I mean, yes.
I do. I do very much. It's just-
'Cause you were using me to get to Arden's grandmother, right?
No, no, no. I was helping you-
- Please don't lie. - I swear.
(STAMMERS) Okay.
A little bit. I mean, I sort of used you.
But it wasn't really about you, it was more about me,
and in order to help me, I wanted to help you.
Oh, my God.
Now that I hear it out loud, it sounds... it sounds worse than it is.
I thought you were helping me because you liked me!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I don't want you sleeping in my bed anymore.
I don't want you staying in my house anymore!
Oh, my God.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SIGHS)
JAMES: Overdressed? Absolutely not, No.
I think... I think everybody at the game was underdressed.
I think you really classed the whole place up.
I think they should've paid you to come to the game.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- I'm sorry. - Sure.
- Yeah, it's my son. - Mmm-hmm.
Hi, sweetie.
What?
(BEEPING)
(CLATTERS)
Ah. (SIGHS)
(SIGHS) No, Sara. Hey...
Okay.
Okay?
(♪♪♪)
(SIGHS)
(CATS MEOWING)
♪ Welcome to my home, that's right ♪
♪ You've got to let your feelings out for your life ♪
You don't have to sing, please-
♪ Say your name ♪
(CATS MEOWING)
Say your name.
Maximo.
♪ Ain't no shame ♪
♪ You're at Cindy's home ♪
♪ Cindy's home. ♪
Thanks for letting me stay.
- Oh. Oh. - (MEOWS)
- Watch your back. (LAUGHS) - Oh. Ah.
We've got you some nice hot tea. I think I got all the hairs out.
And you can stay here as long as you like.
I'm sure you'll figure out a way to pay me back.
Shh.
I get it.
(CATS MEOWING AND PURRING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)
This is all for you, baby.
Look at me.
Eye contact, eye contact.
Don't lose eye contact.
What are you doing?
I'm about to pay you back.
What?
Oh, God.
- (UNZIPS) - Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- No, stop. Stop. Please stop. - (MUSIC STOPS)
- Isn't this what you want? - No.
Oh, God, no! (LAUGHS) Um, button up.
Just put... put that away.
You're not attracted to me?
No!
- Really? - Not at all.
No, I'm attracted to, like, really good looking guys.
Guys with, like, great faces and great bodies,
who are muscular and handsome,
and younger, much younger than you,
and tall- a lot taller. But that's just me.
But then... why did you give me the job?
I think I'm just drawn to helping less fortunate,
damaged, sad, sad,
sad, sad creatures.
Why do you think I have so many cats? (CHUCKLES)
They need me, but I need them.
But they hurt you over and over again.
(LAUGHING) This guy, right? I know.
I mean, just because they hurt me doesn't mean they don't love me.
I take care of them, and I don't expect anything in return.
These cats are my family.
- (SIGHS) - ("DON'T GIVE UP ON ME" PLAYING)
I had a chance to be a part of a family, and I ruined it.
I don't think you ruined it,
because it's never too late to make it right.
"Catta" do what you "catta" do.
(♪♪♪)
(MEOWS)
Ha, I've never seen that one before.
RICK: Well, you'll be happy to know that I've lost everything.
Millicent found out about Celeste's party.
She kicked me out.
Do you have a sister you can stay with?
No.
I never should've gone behind your back like that.
I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you.
(DRINKING NOISILY) There is something.
That's your idea face.
Yep. This is it.
RICK: So, when's the kid's science fair again?
MAXIMO: It's in three hours.
You get in there and get his camera. I'll keep 'em distracted out here.
- (KNOCKING) - RICK: Police!
Police in the neighborhood!
Can I help you, Officer? You here for the tiny motorcycle?
He's not here for your stupid bike! You here for the bike?
No, sir, I'm not here for the vehicle.
There is a neighborhood gas leak.
Please evacuate the "premiseses. "
NICK: Gas leak?
I didn't even know we had gas.
Situation is clear, Larry.
Yes, sir, Mr. neighborhood police officer!
I'm gonna fix the...
I'm closing the door because the gas is- because there's a leak in here.
- I didn't even smell any gas. - I don't smell anything.
You wouldn't.
That's what makes the danger so dangerous.
Excuse me, officer? What kind of handcuffs are those?
Police handcuffs.
Are they furry?
There have been some local perps
who've been having an allergic reaction to the metal.
Now we coat it with this synthetic material.
Health is on the uprise, crime is on the downrise.
But I wouldn't worry your pretty head over that, ma'am.
I don't think we'll need it in this investigation.
BOTH: "Ma'am"?
Is this an investigation? I thought this was a gas leak.
Investigation of a gas leak. Oh, and shut up!
I'm a police officer. I want this crime scene secured.
- It's not a crime scene. - Shut up!
Where is it?
Gotcha.
Take it easy, all right?
- You said "investigation"? - No! You take it easy.
Or I will shoot you!
Oh. You're not shooting anybody.
I will shoot you in the lorax!
- That's not a thing, officer. - It's a children's book.
- RICK: You shushing me, boy? - NICK: No...
- You shushing me? - No.
I am a police officer of the law!
I don't think you are,
Officer George Clooney, from the 69th Precinct.
Hey!
Don't make me use this.
I won't.
Hey, no.
We've been compromised!
Ride like the wind!
- Ow! - Ooh.
(♪♪♪)
Hey, watch it, jerk! (CAR HORN BLARES)
- Whoa. - DISABLED MAN: I'm okay.
I'm okay.
You have the right to remain silent.
Not in the face. (GROANS)
Hugo!
Hey! Hugo!
Hugo!
Hugo! Hey!
(♪♪♪)
(SIGHS)
(CATS PURRING AND MEOWING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
HUGO: All I wanted to do was impress her.
Instead, I was humiliated.
I'm sorry, honey.
- Do you want me to walk you in? - No, I don't.
"You can't live your life afraid that something bad will happen,
because then you really never lived. "
Where did you hear that?
Uncle Maximo.
- Hi, Arden. - Hugo!
I'm so glad to see you.
- You are? - Yeah.
- I thought you were mad at me. - No.
My grandma and I know you did nothing wrong.
Ah. Good.
I was just worried your grandma would be
up in arms about us being friends.
Get it?
Up in arms. Up in arms. Get it?
Hugo, that's not funny.
That's just offensive.
- I didn't mean it like that. - I'm joking!
I'm funny, too, you know?
- Wow, you are funny. - (BOTH LAUGH)
- Oh! I got your letter. - My letter?
No one's ever written me an actual letter on real paper before.
Oh, really?
And my answer is yes.
Oh...
Well, that's great.
To what question again? I'm sorry, it's just-
I'd love to launch your weather balloon with you, silly.
Yeah.
Right. My weather balloon.
I forgot about that. How could I forget about that?
Um, can I see that for a sec?
I just want to see if I got all my punctuations right.
- Is that okay? - As long as you give it back.
Thank you.
MAXIMO: "Dearest Arden,
I'm sorry if I caused you any pain.
It was the last thing I wanted to do.
(CARLA MORRISON'S "PALE EYES" PLAYING THROUGHOUT)
You are more important to me than you know. "
Three, two, one. Yes, go!
"I always wished we could be friends. "
- ARDEN: There it goes! - Yes! Yes!
"But you don't get what you wish for,
you get what you work for.
Sometimes, love can be scary. "
All right, I mean, um...
It's more cumin than I'm used to.
All right, moment of truth. Here we go.
I think...
"Sometimes, love can be surprising. "
Oh! (CLATTERS)
- Is this happening? - I think so.
(CATS MEOWING)
"Sometimes, we hurt the ones we love. "
(CAT YOWLS) (CHUCKLING)
Ah, cool! Oh, yeah.
What? No!
- What the hell is this? - I didn't know, man.
SCOTT: What did you think was gonna be in that little box, Nicky?
"But it's never too late to make it right.
(♪♪♪)
"Our time on earth is short... "
(YELLING)
"But love is forever. "
Yeah! Yeah!
"You make me want to be a better fifth grader. "
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
"Would you please join me in launching my weather balloon?
Yours, Hugo. "
Oh, Sara!
You didn't get the house in Pasadena.
- They went with someone who has... - Let me guess. More experience.
- Yeah. - Well, you know what I think?
- Yeah, but the- - Can I finish?
I think that I deserve a shot at my own house.
And if I'm not given my due,
I'm not afraid to go somewhere else where I'm appreciated.
Okay. Are you finished?
No, I'm not.
A lesser woman would have given up already.
Ten years of drawing plans.
But I am strong, and I am determined,
and I know that I will find my dream job someday.
- Yes, you will. - Yes, I will!
And that day is today.
What?
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
(♪♪♪)
Okay, Hugo.
What do you think, glasses on or glasses off? Hmm?
You look pretty either way, Mommy.
Oh, baby, it's a big day today.
Mommy's a little nervous.
Well, at least your nose isn't sweating.
Well, that's a good thing.
(SNIFFS) (HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
Wow!
A helicopter!
SARA: Oh, my goodness. Okay.
Uh... you wait here.
- Okay. - And I will be right back.
- Mommy? - Yeah?
I'm proud of you.
Oh, you squishable angel! (LAUGHS)
Mommy's gonna build a house!
Yes! Yes! (GRUNTS)
Mrs. Dupont. It is so nice to meet you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this opportunity.
I promise that you won't regret it.
Oh, I certainly hope not. You've come very highly recommended.
Oh... By whom?
Maximo?
Whoa.
(LAUGHING) Sara...
SARA: No... (CHUCKLES)
I usually don't put much stock in what my man candy says,
but he showed me your designs and I loved them.
You did? (CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.
Uncle Maximo! Uncle Maximo!
Hey! (LAUGHS)
- Hugo! - That's my son.
- I missed you so much. - I missed you, too.
Nice blazer, uncle Maximo.
Uh, Professor Rojas when she's around.
Such a great view. I'm so glad I'm rich.
Yeah, me too.
- Must be nice. - MAXIMO: Hey!
Young lady!
Don't go too far, or I'll put you in detention.
Ah, have I been a bad girl?
Yes, you've been a very bad girl.
(MILLICENT PURRING) (GROWLS)
Well, I guess papa was wrong.
Sometimes, you do get what you wish for.
Are you kidding?
- Oh, my God...
Hugo, want to go for a ride?
I don't know if Mom will let me.
SARA: You know what?
I think Professor Rojas has earned another chance.
Yes!
- Yes! - That's my older sister.
Stop it!
I am your baby sister.
Well, yeah, but you look older.
- Honestly. Really.
You earned it.
(MAXIMO CHUCKLES)
Okay, Hugo, let's go. Mommy's got work to do.
He's not a juice!
Up we go. (GRUNTING WITH EFFORT)
Come on, copilot.
- I want the house to be beautiful. - Me, too.
- But eerie. - Hmm?
A sleek, seaside fever dream.
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
("NO ESTOY TRISTE" PLAYING THROUGHOUT)
SARA: You took the words right out of my mouth.
Let's fly!
Bye!
HUGO: I didn't know you could fly a helicopter.
MAXIMO: Of course. All rich people fly helicopters.
- Can I drive? - I don't see why not.
HUGO: Yes!
(ALARM BLARING) MAXIMO: Oh, God, no!
No, no, no, no! God!
Oh! I thought we were in trouble there. You got it.
(CELL PHONE RINGS) MAXIMO: Hello?
Are you insane? Come back this instant!
HUGO: Who's that?
MAXIMO: It's your mom. She wants us to come back now.
Bring back Hugo, my son!
EUGENIO DERBEZ: Come on.
Show me your sexy. (CLICKS TONGUE)
("NO ESTOY TRISTE" CONTINUES)
CREW MEMBER: Camera mark.
(COUGHING)
CREW MEMBER: And blooper reel! (CREW LAUGHING)
(ALL SING IN SPANISH)
Squeeze your butt. You look like Chaplin.
- You know who Chaplin is? - Uh, no.
Unhand me, sir.
I just wanna speak... (LAUGHS)
(ALL SING IN SPANISH)
Do you want me to see if the manager's here?
I mean, she does all the hiring.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Sure. - Thank you.
Hello!
I'm the manager! (LAUGHS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(CREW LAUGHS) DERBEZ: Salma!
Hey, guys!
Oh!
(CREW LAUGHS) (GROANS)
Latin lover!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(CACKLING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
(ALL SING IN SPANISH)
(ALL CHEERING)
(SALMA HAYEK AND EUGENIO DERBEZ'S SALSA VERSION OF "EL TRISTE" PLAYING)
(SONG ENDS)
Improved by Rachid Ouziane