1 00:00:07,413 --> 00:00:09,172 I just got fully turned around. 2 00:00:11,172 --> 00:00:12,654 How is that even possible? 3 00:00:12,655 --> 00:00:15,205 It's getting tougher. The weather's getting tougher. 4 00:00:15,206 --> 00:00:16,241 Oh, [bleep]. 5 00:00:16,344 --> 00:00:17,861 It's a massive challenge 6 00:00:17,862 --> 00:00:21,481 to keep myself mentally and physically healthy. 7 00:00:21,482 --> 00:00:22,896 What the [bleep]? 8 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,067 We got another bunny. 9 00:00:25,068 --> 00:00:27,103 Oh, got another one. 10 00:00:27,206 --> 00:00:28,895 Here's another bunny. 11 00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,861 This is going to be a wild day. 12 00:00:30,862 --> 00:00:33,723 Brings us to 51 bunnies. 13 00:00:33,724 --> 00:00:36,965 Can't see me losing this game. 14 00:00:37,068 --> 00:00:41,171 There's a little bit of smoke buildup in my shelter. 15 00:00:41,172 --> 00:00:45,964 But the worst is not the smoke. It's actually the steam. 16 00:00:45,965 --> 00:00:49,654 And as the temperature drops, the steam is getting worse. 17 00:00:49,655 --> 00:00:51,757 There's just no way I'm going to be able to [bleep] last 18 00:00:51,758 --> 00:00:54,033 with this [bleep] shelter. 19 00:00:54,034 --> 00:00:56,172 Oh, [bleep]. 20 00:01:00,379 --> 00:01:03,723 If this chimney would crack or collapse, 21 00:01:03,724 --> 00:01:06,517 I would really have serious problem. 22 00:01:06,620 --> 00:01:09,723 Chimney, [bleep] you. 23 00:01:12,344 --> 00:01:14,206 Oh, my. 24 00:01:14,310 --> 00:01:16,655 I've been so grateful for the food 25 00:01:16,758 --> 00:01:19,757 that I've already got these past 50 days. 26 00:01:20,758 --> 00:01:23,448 Let's go! 27 00:02:00,379 --> 00:02:02,895 This morning, we're going to check our trap lines. 28 00:02:02,896 --> 00:02:04,654 ♪ You gotta believe, you gotta believe ♪ 29 00:02:04,655 --> 00:02:06,136 ♪ You gotta believe ♪ 30 00:02:06,137 --> 00:02:09,172 ♪ You gotta believe there's a fish in your trout line ♪ 31 00:02:09,275 --> 00:02:12,379 ♪ You gotta believe there's a hare in your snare ♪ 32 00:02:12,482 --> 00:02:15,586 ♪ You gotta believe there's a squirrel hanging from a pole ♪ 33 00:02:15,689 --> 00:02:18,586 ♪ And a moose is taken with your bow ♪ 34 00:02:18,689 --> 00:02:20,206 Come on, everybody. 35 00:02:20,310 --> 00:02:22,034 ♪ You gotta believe, you gotta believe, you gotta believe ♪ 36 00:02:22,137 --> 00:02:25,378 ♪ You gotta believe your hair isn't just one knot ♪ 37 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:28,689 ♪ You gotta believe your bad guts will go away ♪ 38 00:02:28,793 --> 00:02:32,033 ♪ You gotta believe you won't be alone forever ♪ 39 00:02:32,034 --> 00:02:34,723 ♪ You gotta believe you can make it one more night ♪ 40 00:02:34,724 --> 00:02:39,240 ♪ You gotta believe you can lean into the fight ♪ 41 00:02:39,241 --> 00:02:41,723 ♪ One more day alone is enough ♪ 42 00:02:41,724 --> 00:02:45,310 Oh! 43 00:02:45,413 --> 00:02:47,067 We got a hare. 44 00:02:47,068 --> 00:02:49,758 We're back, baby. We're back. 45 00:02:51,482 --> 00:02:52,930 Hold on. 46 00:02:52,931 --> 00:02:54,413 I'm going to keep you there because you're literally, 47 00:02:54,517 --> 00:02:56,723 I don't know, right next to my camp. 48 00:02:56,724 --> 00:03:00,136 Hare, camp. Hare, camp. 49 00:03:00,137 --> 00:03:03,793 We're going to go check the other traps. 50 00:03:07,517 --> 00:03:10,551 Oh, wow. OK, well, that was a nice little treat. 51 00:03:10,655 --> 00:03:12,930 And the thing that I keep thinking about the most 52 00:03:12,931 --> 00:03:16,516 these past couple weeks are how I feel like 53 00:03:16,517 --> 00:03:18,516 I have changed out here. 54 00:03:18,517 --> 00:03:21,412 Like, I almost don't even recognize myself. 55 00:03:21,413 --> 00:03:25,378 I walk through life normally with my chin up 56 00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:28,964 and my shoulders back with this identity 57 00:03:28,965 --> 00:03:33,757 of being strong and secure and confident. 58 00:03:33,758 --> 00:03:36,068 And out here, 59 00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:41,310 I just feel like I've been vulnerable and teary-eyed. 60 00:03:41,413 --> 00:03:44,068 And I wouldn't say weak, 61 00:03:44,172 --> 00:03:47,861 I'm just leaning a very different presence. 62 00:03:49,275 --> 00:03:51,067 Shut the [bleep] up. 63 00:03:51,068 --> 00:03:52,654 Oof, sorry. Excuse my French. 64 00:03:52,655 --> 00:03:54,274 I got another hare. 65 00:03:58,344 --> 00:04:01,447 Wow, two hares today. 66 00:04:01,448 --> 00:04:03,724 Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. 67 00:04:05,241 --> 00:04:08,274 Oh, my God. 68 00:04:08,275 --> 00:04:10,862 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 69 00:04:10,965 --> 00:04:13,068 Wow, OK. 70 00:04:13,172 --> 00:04:14,896 This is amazing. 71 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,067 I always have leaned into emotions. 72 00:04:18,827 --> 00:04:21,309 You know, I do believe to feel is to exist. 73 00:04:21,310 --> 00:04:25,102 I'd rather feel truly, madly, deeply than to not at all. 74 00:04:25,103 --> 00:04:27,793 I want to go through the pain, I want to be sad, 75 00:04:27,896 --> 00:04:31,757 because on the other side of that is love and happiness. 76 00:04:31,758 --> 00:04:34,136 I can't believe that. Oh, thank God. 77 00:04:34,137 --> 00:04:35,586 We have food. 78 00:04:37,137 --> 00:04:39,378 You have to go through ebbs and flows. 79 00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:43,241 And I know that everything is a journey out here. 80 00:04:43,344 --> 00:04:45,620 But my identity, like who I feel at my core, 81 00:04:45,724 --> 00:04:47,896 feels very different. 82 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:52,619 You know, very convenient bag. 83 00:04:54,068 --> 00:04:58,861 Keep getting a whiff of fire. 84 00:04:58,862 --> 00:05:04,550 I mean, in fairness, it's probably me. 85 00:05:11,758 --> 00:05:16,689 But anyway, we're going to eat some rabbit, so let's do that. 86 00:05:16,793 --> 00:05:19,895 It's really interesting to see who you become 87 00:05:19,896 --> 00:05:22,344 without having to put on a mask, 88 00:05:22,448 --> 00:05:25,517 without having to be around people. 89 00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:28,586 You become who you are, the essence of your core. 90 00:05:28,689 --> 00:05:31,102 And it's like, are you becoming a new person 91 00:05:31,103 --> 00:05:32,309 or are you saying hello 92 00:05:32,310 --> 00:05:34,931 to the person you've been this whole time? 93 00:05:37,344 --> 00:05:39,930 Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about. 94 00:05:39,931 --> 00:05:43,378 Everything I do causes blindness. 95 00:05:45,896 --> 00:05:48,585 Even eating. 96 00:06:06,827 --> 00:06:10,343 God, I feel like this steam is worse than the smoke. 97 00:06:14,827 --> 00:06:16,241 It is getting pretty warm in here. 98 00:06:16,344 --> 00:06:17,999 I'll tell you that, though. 99 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,240 Smoke, though, we gotta figure it out. 100 00:06:25,517 --> 00:06:27,033 I am having some regrets 101 00:06:27,034 --> 00:06:29,481 about having a central fire in my shelter. 102 00:06:29,482 --> 00:06:32,724 The steam was not something that I predicted. 103 00:06:32,827 --> 00:06:36,999 And what's happening is, because the roof is so low, 104 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,965 the steam is becoming a cloud cover for the smoke. 105 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:44,171 And the smoke is not able to exit 106 00:06:44,172 --> 00:06:45,757 in the way that I had planned. 107 00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:51,586 I can't even eat this 'cause of the [bleep] steam! 108 00:06:51,689 --> 00:06:53,171 Ugh! 109 00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:58,654 It's getting in my [bleep] eyes and my eyes are burning. 110 00:07:03,413 --> 00:07:04,724 Ow. 111 00:07:13,551 --> 00:07:15,172 This is so much steam. 112 00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,964 I can't see. 113 00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:23,999 Wow. 114 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,412 I gotta figure out a solution to this fire. 115 00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:39,757 It's cold, man. 116 00:07:39,758 --> 00:07:40,861 And I don't know how cold it is, 117 00:07:40,862 --> 00:07:42,171 but... 118 00:07:44,103 --> 00:07:46,689 These bunnies are frozen. 119 00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,999 Can't even peel her [bleep] legs. 120 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,550 That guy's legs just snapped off. 121 00:07:54,689 --> 00:07:56,378 Weather's gotten chilly. 122 00:07:56,379 --> 00:07:59,171 Some mornings I'm like, oh, it feels like minus 10, 123 00:07:59,172 --> 00:08:00,792 but then it's like 124 00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:02,757 I'm getting frost on my beard really quick. 125 00:08:02,758 --> 00:08:06,103 I'm like, this isn't normal for minus 5 to 10, 126 00:08:06,206 --> 00:08:08,551 so maybe it's 10 to 20. 127 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,724 Holy [bleep]. 128 00:08:17,068 --> 00:08:20,343 But my hands and my toes can bug me. 129 00:08:20,344 --> 00:08:22,000 My hands are really bad. 130 00:08:25,931 --> 00:08:28,689 Not fun doing these guys frozen. 131 00:08:28,793 --> 00:08:31,241 But if I have a fire, I can do whatever I need to do. 132 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,241 And then I just go to the fire and warm up. 133 00:08:34,344 --> 00:08:35,896 That's three bunnies. 134 00:08:42,241 --> 00:08:44,103 As long as I have fire, I'm fine. 135 00:08:44,206 --> 00:08:46,274 And I'll get this guy cooked. 136 00:08:48,758 --> 00:08:52,343 Hopefully it lights, 'cause I'm frozen. 137 00:09:04,758 --> 00:09:06,826 Put the ferro rod away. 138 00:09:10,034 --> 00:09:12,930 I haven't had a fire in the shelter yet. 139 00:09:12,931 --> 00:09:15,586 We're not burning our sleeping bag. 140 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:18,758 We're not getting smoke asphyxiation. 141 00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:22,172 We just gotta play the smart game. 142 00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:32,103 Getting to the point wherever only the strong will be here. 143 00:09:33,517 --> 00:09:35,344 It's getting chilly. 144 00:09:45,206 --> 00:09:48,688 I think we ought to try to get him because it's fish bait. 145 00:09:50,275 --> 00:09:53,310 I don't need to eat him, but I know the fish like squirrel. 146 00:09:53,413 --> 00:09:56,309 I'm definitely desperate to get something fatty. 147 00:09:56,310 --> 00:09:59,102 Can't just be eating rabbits. 148 00:10:18,068 --> 00:10:20,724 [bleep]. 149 00:10:29,793 --> 00:10:31,481 [bleep]. 150 00:10:31,482 --> 00:10:33,482 Oh, my God. 151 00:10:42,551 --> 00:10:44,586 He's sure-- holy [bleep]. 152 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,206 Oh, no. 153 00:10:56,965 --> 00:11:02,136 Oh, [bleep]. Oh, no. 154 00:11:06,965 --> 00:11:08,723 [bleep]. 155 00:11:11,172 --> 00:11:13,930 That is not good. 156 00:11:15,137 --> 00:11:17,757 These are the mistakes you don't make, guys. 157 00:11:17,758 --> 00:11:19,000 And I'm making 'em. 158 00:11:21,379 --> 00:11:24,585 I cannot believe I just did that. 159 00:11:29,620 --> 00:11:33,412 What a dumb [bleep] idiot. 160 00:11:38,689 --> 00:11:43,448 Guess this will just be my fire-tending glove. 161 00:11:45,758 --> 00:11:46,964 Got the other gloves. 162 00:11:46,965 --> 00:11:48,688 I just got to be super smart with them 163 00:11:48,689 --> 00:11:50,999 'cause they're rubber. 164 00:11:53,137 --> 00:11:57,861 This could be over in two days or a month and a half. 165 00:11:57,862 --> 00:12:01,033 We don't know, so we gotta play smart. 166 00:12:01,034 --> 00:12:02,930 No hovering over the fire. 167 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,895 No doing stupid sh-- stuff like that. 168 00:12:05,896 --> 00:12:09,688 Putting on winter bibs, keeping the winter jacket on. 169 00:12:09,689 --> 00:12:11,344 I don't need to get sick. 170 00:12:14,931 --> 00:12:17,965 [bleep]. 171 00:12:19,379 --> 00:12:21,550 Seems as I get deeper into this competition 172 00:12:21,551 --> 00:12:24,205 and the weather gets colder and nastier, 173 00:12:24,206 --> 00:12:28,999 my mental and emotional stability 174 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,895 has been going up and down. 175 00:12:30,896 --> 00:12:33,862 I'm having more frequently bad days. 176 00:12:35,241 --> 00:12:38,275 I think I might have a fire tonight. 177 00:12:40,827 --> 00:12:43,343 Doing like the next hour just so 178 00:12:43,344 --> 00:12:45,103 if it doesn't work out that good, 179 00:12:45,206 --> 00:12:48,517 we can open the door, 180 00:12:48,620 --> 00:12:50,481 fix what we have to. 181 00:12:51,689 --> 00:12:53,344 I don't want to build a fire inside 182 00:12:53,448 --> 00:12:57,206 because I don't want the possibility of sheltered fire. 183 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,793 But I'm coming to the realization 184 00:12:59,896 --> 00:13:01,862 the weather is garbage. 185 00:13:01,965 --> 00:13:04,654 My hands are freezing. My feet are cold. 186 00:13:04,655 --> 00:13:07,274 This is the only thing I can do. 187 00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:12,895 Just a little fire to take the chill away. 188 00:13:13,896 --> 00:13:16,516 Trying to be happy, positive. 189 00:13:16,517 --> 00:13:20,171 And we need to turn a bad situation into a win. 190 00:13:25,379 --> 00:13:27,343 What's going on, guys? 191 00:13:27,344 --> 00:13:29,826 Um, got the fireplace working. 192 00:13:29,827 --> 00:13:31,964 There's a little bit of precipitation 193 00:13:31,965 --> 00:13:33,585 that I don't like in here. 194 00:13:33,586 --> 00:13:37,481 You can see my breath and stuff 'cause of the cold air higher. 195 00:13:37,482 --> 00:13:39,585 Lower air is hot. 196 00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:43,447 But it's working. 197 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,275 So it's just a waiting game now 198 00:13:45,379 --> 00:13:48,654 until Melissa comes and gets me. 199 00:13:48,655 --> 00:13:51,343 This moisture is insane, though. 200 00:13:51,344 --> 00:13:53,516 I don't like that. 201 00:13:53,517 --> 00:13:55,343 A lot of it is the mud. 202 00:13:55,344 --> 00:13:59,171 So once that dries out, man, I'm telling you, 203 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,793 I think I got it. 204 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:06,378 I just have to clean the camera every 30 seconds. 205 00:14:08,034 --> 00:14:11,689 There's like a film on my sleeping bag, even. 206 00:14:11,793 --> 00:14:14,619 But, yeah, it's too hard to film right now. 207 00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:16,103 Have a good night. 208 00:14:40,448 --> 00:14:42,655 Things are getting very difficult now 209 00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:44,481 with this chimney. Oh, man. 210 00:14:44,482 --> 00:14:46,275 And if you look down the base, 211 00:14:46,379 --> 00:14:49,205 it's not completely dry at some part. 212 00:14:49,206 --> 00:14:51,103 So where I want to put clay? 213 00:14:51,206 --> 00:14:53,619 So one, it's here. 214 00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:55,102 Then it's-- 215 00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:58,481 yeah, I realized, I mean, here is where I burned my gloves. 216 00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:01,827 Another place where I want to put more clay, 217 00:15:01,931 --> 00:15:05,964 see, this part dried faster than this part. 218 00:15:05,965 --> 00:15:08,033 And here is one huge crack. 219 00:15:08,034 --> 00:15:10,481 And I want to make this thicker 220 00:15:10,482 --> 00:15:15,688 just to avoid any breaking I'm getting there. 221 00:15:15,689 --> 00:15:18,654 So I mean, I think that when I have these doors 222 00:15:18,655 --> 00:15:20,724 and extra insulation, I will be fine. 223 00:15:20,827 --> 00:15:25,137 But for now with this moisture, I have to keep the fire going 224 00:15:25,241 --> 00:15:27,516 at least for a couple of days now. 225 00:15:32,103 --> 00:15:33,758 First thing I really need to do 226 00:15:33,862 --> 00:15:38,550 is doors and insulation are needed. 227 00:15:38,551 --> 00:15:41,792 Then clay work these final small cracks 228 00:15:41,793 --> 00:15:45,826 that no smoke gets out and stuff like that. 229 00:15:45,827 --> 00:15:49,585 OK, I think it's time for doors. 230 00:15:51,793 --> 00:15:53,033 Hey, birdy. 231 00:15:55,827 --> 00:15:59,724 I feel that I'm in quite good position 232 00:15:59,827 --> 00:16:03,757 even for winning this competition. 233 00:16:03,758 --> 00:16:04,930 Quite cool. 234 00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:09,136 If I want to keep on going, 235 00:16:09,137 --> 00:16:12,550 I have to eat a lot, and very caloric food. 236 00:16:13,965 --> 00:16:18,033 And also a lot of projects because each day, 237 00:16:18,034 --> 00:16:21,482 the time of sunlight is getting shorter and shorter, 238 00:16:21,586 --> 00:16:24,033 and it will disappear at some point. 239 00:16:25,206 --> 00:16:29,309 Well, I think that's good enough. 240 00:16:29,310 --> 00:16:31,274 Especially towards the end, 241 00:16:31,275 --> 00:16:35,895 it might become more mental game than hunger game. 242 00:16:35,896 --> 00:16:40,309 I will now try to fill as much 243 00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:44,136 of these doors with moss 244 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,379 as much as possible. 245 00:16:46,482 --> 00:16:48,827 So this is why it's very important 246 00:16:48,931 --> 00:16:52,792 to keep your mind occupied with projects. 247 00:16:52,793 --> 00:16:56,792 Man, this shelter is becoming so cozy. 248 00:16:56,793 --> 00:16:58,412 It's also fun to do them. 249 00:16:58,413 --> 00:17:02,067 And there are many never-ending projects 250 00:17:02,068 --> 00:17:03,102 like shelter. 251 00:17:04,827 --> 00:17:07,930 The doors are filled with moss. 252 00:17:09,034 --> 00:17:12,793 Let's check it out. Check it out. 253 00:17:12,896 --> 00:17:16,033 So that's it. Doors are done. 254 00:17:16,034 --> 00:17:20,378 OK, chimney. I have to fill this with clay. 255 00:17:20,379 --> 00:17:22,205 Holy crap. 256 00:17:25,655 --> 00:17:28,861 Holy, holy, holy, holy crap. 257 00:18:01,068 --> 00:18:06,137 OK, very quick, fixing with clay. 258 00:18:08,862 --> 00:18:12,000 No. 259 00:18:17,793 --> 00:18:19,136 Damn it. 260 00:18:27,241 --> 00:18:29,206 OK. [bleep]. [bleep], [bleep]. 261 00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:32,654 [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep]. 262 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,448 OK. That's very bad now. 263 00:18:39,103 --> 00:18:41,861 What I was afraid actually happened. 264 00:18:45,724 --> 00:18:47,689 Yeah, I shouldn't have done it this way. 265 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:51,171 I knew from the beginning, but-- 266 00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:52,343 OK. 267 00:18:54,517 --> 00:18:57,758 Time to think what to do. 268 00:19:03,241 --> 00:19:06,517 So one option would be-- 269 00:19:06,620 --> 00:19:10,240 and probably the best one, to cut this straight 270 00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:14,067 and cut this straight and put one on each other. 271 00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:18,378 So then I can just join them together. 272 00:19:18,379 --> 00:19:20,516 And it would give stability 273 00:19:20,517 --> 00:19:23,310 just by standing one on each other. 274 00:19:25,793 --> 00:19:28,551 OK, [bleep]. That's not a good day. 275 00:19:30,137 --> 00:19:32,206 I definitely feel overwhelmed. 276 00:19:32,310 --> 00:19:35,205 I have to find a solution quite quick. 277 00:19:35,206 --> 00:19:37,619 First, I'm going to cut the chimney 278 00:19:37,620 --> 00:19:41,000 so the lower part doesn't have a slope, but it's straight. 279 00:19:45,413 --> 00:19:46,861 OK. 280 00:19:59,862 --> 00:20:01,930 I never thought about chimney might break 281 00:20:01,931 --> 00:20:03,102 or stuff like that. 282 00:20:03,103 --> 00:20:05,379 But now I really have to be prepared. 283 00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:08,792 OK, now it's horizontal, 284 00:20:08,793 --> 00:20:12,964 but I'm really afraid that I will break more than needed. 285 00:20:16,413 --> 00:20:20,826 So in the morning, I had fire and chimney. 286 00:20:20,827 --> 00:20:23,792 Now I don't have fire nor chimney. 287 00:20:26,862 --> 00:20:30,068 OK. 288 00:20:30,172 --> 00:20:32,343 Here is the plan. 289 00:20:32,344 --> 00:20:35,861 I will cut also this one approximately straight. 290 00:21:05,310 --> 00:21:06,481 Ah, [bleep]. 291 00:21:10,517 --> 00:21:13,343 And I don't have fire. 292 00:21:13,344 --> 00:21:16,793 So it's a-- 293 00:21:16,896 --> 00:21:19,240 it is a challenging day. 294 00:21:19,241 --> 00:21:22,585 That's going to be the final hole. 295 00:21:22,586 --> 00:21:26,827 I just can't get out of this loop of chimney repairing. 296 00:21:26,931 --> 00:21:29,999 Seems like a never-ending story. 297 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,033 Yeah, damn it. 298 00:21:55,620 --> 00:21:57,000 Check this out. 299 00:21:59,103 --> 00:22:01,240 Solid ice. 300 00:22:01,241 --> 00:22:02,689 Last night was super cold, 301 00:22:02,793 --> 00:22:05,861 as cold as we've had by a long way. 302 00:22:05,862 --> 00:22:07,724 So this is going to need thawing out. 303 00:22:08,931 --> 00:22:11,102 It's really starting to get cold now. 304 00:22:11,103 --> 00:22:13,516 In the night, I can hear strange sounds 305 00:22:13,517 --> 00:22:15,102 as the ice forms on the river. 306 00:22:15,103 --> 00:22:17,757 It's like a creaking sound. It's quite eerie. 307 00:22:18,896 --> 00:22:20,620 First of all, let's check the snares, 308 00:22:20,724 --> 00:22:22,619 see if there's anything in those. 309 00:22:22,620 --> 00:22:25,585 So I'm heading into a difficult period where 310 00:22:25,586 --> 00:22:27,448 I'm probably days away from being able 311 00:22:27,551 --> 00:22:29,827 to walk on the ice and ice fish, 312 00:22:29,931 --> 00:22:33,275 so I'm likely to have to rely on whatever I can get on land, 313 00:22:33,379 --> 00:22:36,896 so that's most likely things like varying hare. 314 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,689 I don't want to spend too much time out today 315 00:22:38,793 --> 00:22:40,723 if I can avoid it. 316 00:22:40,724 --> 00:22:43,723 This is a whole different world from what I'm used to. 317 00:22:43,724 --> 00:22:47,723 I'm seriously going to need to keep myself 318 00:22:47,724 --> 00:22:50,550 wrapped up as much as I can. 319 00:22:50,551 --> 00:22:52,172 Wales is a very temperate climate. 320 00:22:52,275 --> 00:22:55,964 It very rarely gets below zero and we hardly ever get snow. 321 00:22:55,965 --> 00:22:57,550 I've traveled. 322 00:22:57,551 --> 00:22:59,619 I've spent a lot of time in Sweden, Norway, and Canada, 323 00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:02,067 but I've never been this far north. 324 00:23:02,068 --> 00:23:04,448 It's surreal, really. 325 00:23:05,655 --> 00:23:08,655 There's not much new sign. 326 00:23:08,758 --> 00:23:11,896 Looks pretty quiet. 327 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,689 Oh, no. 328 00:23:13,793 --> 00:23:16,067 I spoke too soon. 329 00:23:16,068 --> 00:23:17,481 Got a varying hare. 330 00:23:17,482 --> 00:23:18,688 Wow, wow, wow. 331 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,931 I would love to have more things to eat, 332 00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:23,309 but the hares keep coming 333 00:23:23,310 --> 00:23:25,000 and I'm going to keep eating the hares. 334 00:23:25,103 --> 00:23:28,343 And I'm very grateful for them. 335 00:23:28,344 --> 00:23:29,930 And I've just spotted something. 336 00:23:29,931 --> 00:23:32,585 I've got another hare caught in a trap. 337 00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:44,103 OK. 338 00:23:44,206 --> 00:23:49,033 Believe me, I take absolutely no pleasure from that. 339 00:23:49,034 --> 00:23:51,516 I've got another hare. 340 00:23:51,517 --> 00:23:54,689 Amazing. Absolutely amazing. 341 00:23:59,655 --> 00:24:01,964 Wow. What a morning. 342 00:24:01,965 --> 00:24:03,586 One hare. 343 00:24:03,689 --> 00:24:05,412 Two hares. Boom. 344 00:24:05,413 --> 00:24:10,689 We can keep doing this until-- well, until the hares run out. 345 00:24:10,793 --> 00:24:14,654 And I'm very acutely aware of rabbit starvation. 346 00:24:14,655 --> 00:24:17,309 But since it's the only food I have, 347 00:24:17,310 --> 00:24:20,103 I'm just having to do what I can, 348 00:24:20,206 --> 00:24:22,895 which means eating the brains, which are fatty, 349 00:24:22,896 --> 00:24:24,965 kidneys and liver, and hoping that 350 00:24:25,068 --> 00:24:27,723 I'm getting enough nutrients to compensate for the fact 351 00:24:27,724 --> 00:24:30,757 that I'm eating a lot of very, very lean meat. 352 00:24:30,758 --> 00:24:32,136 Whoa. Right. 353 00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:33,964 I need to get this fire going and keep it going. 354 00:24:35,379 --> 00:24:37,448 So I'm going to have some offal 355 00:24:37,551 --> 00:24:40,792 and a little bit of the meat today. 356 00:24:40,793 --> 00:24:45,379 And then tomorrow, I'll have another half of one. 357 00:24:46,448 --> 00:24:50,033 And that's going good. Oh. 358 00:24:50,034 --> 00:24:53,033 Ah, [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep]. 359 00:24:53,034 --> 00:24:55,447 [bleep]. 360 00:24:55,448 --> 00:24:58,481 Ah, [bleep] cramp. 361 00:24:58,482 --> 00:24:59,654 Oh, [bleep]. 362 00:25:01,275 --> 00:25:02,378 Oh, man. 363 00:25:03,620 --> 00:25:05,171 Oh, man. 364 00:25:05,172 --> 00:25:06,550 I keep getting it now. 365 00:25:06,551 --> 00:25:11,205 It's a--a symptom of-- 366 00:25:11,206 --> 00:25:13,792 Salt deprivation, I think. 367 00:25:17,241 --> 00:25:20,482 Oh, [bleep]. 368 00:25:20,586 --> 00:25:24,033 Oh, man. Oh. 369 00:25:24,034 --> 00:25:28,102 I keep getting it in my feet and my legs. 370 00:25:28,103 --> 00:25:30,309 I can stretch it out. 371 00:25:30,310 --> 00:25:34,723 If I stay in one position for more than a few minutes, 372 00:25:34,724 --> 00:25:35,723 it kicks in. 373 00:25:39,620 --> 00:25:41,793 Really hoping to keep the cramp at bay tonight, 374 00:25:41,896 --> 00:25:44,585 so I'm going to do my stretches now. 375 00:25:44,586 --> 00:25:45,792 It's definitely something 376 00:25:45,793 --> 00:25:48,033 that seems to be happening more now. 377 00:25:48,034 --> 00:25:52,619 And I'm pretty sure that's down to a isotonic imbalance. 378 00:25:52,620 --> 00:25:54,241 So if these cramps keep getting worse, 379 00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:57,688 that's going to be another headache. 380 00:25:57,689 --> 00:25:59,688 Oh, right. 381 00:25:59,689 --> 00:26:03,171 Oh, man. Feel a bit better for that. 382 00:26:03,172 --> 00:26:06,343 Hopefully, that'll stop the cramp kicking in tonight. 383 00:26:07,862 --> 00:26:10,379 Oh, all right. OK. 384 00:26:10,482 --> 00:26:15,171 I'm just taking each day as it comes at the moment. 385 00:26:15,172 --> 00:26:16,585 It does worry me that 386 00:26:16,586 --> 00:26:19,447 my body's not performing the way I want it to. 387 00:26:19,448 --> 00:26:22,896 So I'm just going to take it easy today, 388 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,516 try and eat something, keeping myself hydrated. 389 00:26:25,517 --> 00:26:27,482 So I've got my spruce tea, 390 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:31,067 so that's always a good step in the right direction. 391 00:26:31,068 --> 00:26:34,654 And I'm going to be eating those brains, 392 00:26:34,655 --> 00:26:37,757 eyeballs, you name it. 393 00:26:37,758 --> 00:26:40,343 The kidneys, they are the only thing that 394 00:26:40,344 --> 00:26:43,964 has any kind of salty flavor. 395 00:26:43,965 --> 00:26:46,205 And I don't know if they do contain much salt, 396 00:26:46,206 --> 00:26:47,793 but they definitely taste like they do. 397 00:26:47,896 --> 00:26:51,999 So they're, uh, they're definitely worth seeking out. 398 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:56,585 So hopefully, I'll-- I won't get any cramp tonight. 399 00:26:56,586 --> 00:26:58,067 We shall see. 400 00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:28,862 Holy, I just, uh, 401 00:27:28,965 --> 00:27:31,274 went to go take a pee, and then my stomach is like-- 402 00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:33,447 I don't know. 403 00:27:33,448 --> 00:27:35,688 Maybe the bunny I ate yesterday was 404 00:27:35,689 --> 00:27:37,896 a little bit raw or something or I don't know, 405 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,447 my stomach didn't agree with it. 406 00:27:39,448 --> 00:27:41,274 But holy, 407 00:27:41,275 --> 00:27:42,689 it's one of those get your pants off 408 00:27:42,793 --> 00:27:45,482 as fast as you can moments. 409 00:27:50,896 --> 00:27:54,205 Feet feel like they're going to freeze off. 410 00:27:54,206 --> 00:27:57,033 It's that damn fire. 411 00:27:57,034 --> 00:28:02,448 Last night, I had a fire, and things didn't go very good. 412 00:28:02,551 --> 00:28:07,482 Zero, zero, and zero. 413 00:28:07,586 --> 00:28:10,136 That's not a good start. 414 00:28:10,137 --> 00:28:13,137 I don't like the design of my shelter. 415 00:28:13,241 --> 00:28:14,758 It's not keeping warm. 416 00:28:14,862 --> 00:28:17,930 I've kind of made a couple critical errors. 417 00:28:17,931 --> 00:28:20,378 Man, I don't know what to do. 418 00:28:20,379 --> 00:28:23,550 When I built the chimney, I obviously built it too small. 419 00:28:23,551 --> 00:28:25,343 I made it about 8 inches. 420 00:28:25,344 --> 00:28:26,793 And then when I put the mud in, 421 00:28:26,896 --> 00:28:29,793 it obviously choked it too much. 422 00:28:31,137 --> 00:28:32,481 Get rid of it. 423 00:28:33,896 --> 00:28:37,689 So I needed to make the chimney, say, 12 inches, 424 00:28:37,793 --> 00:28:39,724 which would have gave me an 8-inch hole, 425 00:28:39,827 --> 00:28:43,275 which would have ventilated the fire with the smoke. 426 00:28:43,379 --> 00:28:45,344 There's a hole in the side. 427 00:28:45,448 --> 00:28:49,103 I'm going to have to do some patch work. 428 00:28:49,206 --> 00:28:52,723 I think I'll sleep with my boot liners 429 00:28:52,724 --> 00:28:53,964 in the sleeping bag. 430 00:28:53,965 --> 00:28:57,965 We're getting past that threshold now where 431 00:28:58,068 --> 00:29:01,068 I need to warm my body up and then keep it warm. 432 00:29:01,172 --> 00:29:05,654 I just got to play the smart game. 433 00:29:07,827 --> 00:29:11,688 The first 30 to 40 days, I felt unstoppable. 434 00:29:11,689 --> 00:29:14,724 But now that it's getting colder, it's getting longer, 435 00:29:14,827 --> 00:29:16,724 I'm starting to see some cracks. 436 00:29:18,620 --> 00:29:21,517 So you want to be on "Alone," do you? 437 00:29:22,931 --> 00:29:24,895 Do you want your feet to damn near feel like 438 00:29:24,896 --> 00:29:26,309 they're going to fall off? 439 00:29:27,379 --> 00:29:29,757 Hike miles and miles and miles? 440 00:29:30,862 --> 00:29:33,793 Starve, have no fat in your diet? 441 00:29:35,137 --> 00:29:38,792 Don't talk to a human in freaking weeks? 442 00:29:40,655 --> 00:29:43,688 Well, then you're the right person. 443 00:29:43,689 --> 00:29:45,861 'Cause this is what we do out here. 444 00:29:51,310 --> 00:29:56,688 All that hiking for nothing. Produced diddly squat. 445 00:29:58,275 --> 00:30:00,309 Think I'm coming down with something too, 446 00:30:00,310 --> 00:30:02,344 like a stomach bug or-- 447 00:30:03,482 --> 00:30:05,344 I don't know, man. 448 00:30:07,793 --> 00:30:10,136 [bleep]. 449 00:30:19,034 --> 00:30:22,240 Oh, I gotta be more careful on those transitions. 450 00:30:24,206 --> 00:30:26,447 Damn. 451 00:30:26,448 --> 00:30:29,447 Oh, my mind wants to go home today, boys. 452 00:30:29,448 --> 00:30:32,103 The demons are battling. 453 00:30:44,310 --> 00:30:49,309 Out here, I feel my emotions cannot be distracted. 454 00:30:51,172 --> 00:30:54,792 I can't turn on the TV. I can't play on my phone. 455 00:31:06,896 --> 00:31:12,205 Pretty, uh, crazy how I can go from, like, 456 00:31:12,206 --> 00:31:15,136 mentally rock solid, emotionally rock solid. 457 00:31:15,137 --> 00:31:18,136 And then, like, I would have paid a lot of money 458 00:31:18,137 --> 00:31:19,793 for a couple phone calls today. 459 00:31:20,965 --> 00:31:23,793 Been nice to talk to Melissa. Yeah. 460 00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:27,999 Man, I miss her so much. I understand it now. 461 00:31:29,206 --> 00:31:31,689 I can see why people tap now. 462 00:31:31,793 --> 00:31:36,654 It's like you want to just hear their voice so bad. 463 00:31:36,655 --> 00:31:40,861 But it's like, yeah, I can do that so quickly, 464 00:31:40,862 --> 00:31:44,309 but I got to trade my dreams, 465 00:31:44,310 --> 00:31:45,688 my aspirations. 466 00:31:46,931 --> 00:31:48,723 So easy sitting on the couch watching this 467 00:31:48,724 --> 00:31:51,310 being like, oh, man, just suck it up. 468 00:31:51,413 --> 00:31:53,000 I was that guy. 469 00:31:55,103 --> 00:31:57,309 We need to suffer, though. 470 00:31:59,551 --> 00:32:01,481 This is part of it, man. 471 00:32:01,482 --> 00:32:05,102 It's all sunshine and roses the first month. 472 00:32:05,103 --> 00:32:09,274 Second month gets a bit, OK, now we're into it. 473 00:32:09,275 --> 00:32:12,757 And I have issues that I need to resolve. 474 00:32:14,965 --> 00:32:17,999 Here's a little bit of a bombshell. 475 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:21,136 Me and Melissa, we've been separated for two years. 476 00:32:22,965 --> 00:32:25,792 I didn't tell anybody in the cast or the production. 477 00:32:25,793 --> 00:32:30,205 I didn't want it to look like I had any chinks in my armor. 478 00:32:30,206 --> 00:32:33,448 We're pretty much kinda getting back together. 479 00:32:33,551 --> 00:32:35,067 But it's just we don't know. 480 00:32:41,379 --> 00:32:44,275 It's, uh it's weird how it-- 481 00:32:44,379 --> 00:32:47,688 this game plays on your emotions. 482 00:32:47,689 --> 00:32:49,517 Let's see if we can rebound, 483 00:32:49,620 --> 00:32:51,964 battle through it, and come back. 484 00:32:51,965 --> 00:32:53,930 We're going to have a talk with ourself tonight, 485 00:32:53,931 --> 00:32:58,758 reel it back in, lock in, and find our groove again. 486 00:33:24,482 --> 00:33:27,758 What? 487 00:33:30,344 --> 00:33:31,964 Feel like I'm back at the clubs. 488 00:33:31,965 --> 00:33:36,240 No, I never did that. 489 00:33:36,241 --> 00:33:39,792 OK, that's not true. I did. I did. 490 00:33:39,793 --> 00:33:41,999 It actually is, believe it or not, 491 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:44,448 slightly less smoky than yesterday. 492 00:33:44,551 --> 00:33:49,067 So what I've done is I've opened the bullboat further. 493 00:33:49,068 --> 00:33:53,481 I mean, I've opened up the bullboat pretty significantly 494 00:33:53,482 --> 00:33:57,102 to make that smoke escape a bit better. 495 00:33:57,103 --> 00:34:00,309 I mean, I can breathe. 496 00:34:00,310 --> 00:34:04,586 It's not as clear as it should be, but I can breathe. 497 00:34:04,689 --> 00:34:07,999 Definitely some steam. 498 00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:10,103 And some condensation. 499 00:34:13,275 --> 00:34:16,688 But overall, it's actually not as bad as it has been, 500 00:34:16,689 --> 00:34:17,861 so that's good. 501 00:34:17,862 --> 00:34:21,481 I don't want to jinx it, but it's good. 502 00:34:21,482 --> 00:34:23,895 Well, we're gonna eat this rabbit. 503 00:34:26,103 --> 00:34:27,723 You know, I really worry sometimes 504 00:34:27,724 --> 00:34:29,688 about how I'm going to be portrayed. 505 00:34:30,689 --> 00:34:32,586 You know, my full-time job is 506 00:34:32,689 --> 00:34:35,172 I own my own company where I teach people skills. 507 00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:40,412 But this is a whole other arena, what I'm doing. 508 00:34:40,413 --> 00:34:41,655 You know? 509 00:34:41,758 --> 00:34:45,000 Oh, that's never fun getting in and out of that. 510 00:34:45,103 --> 00:34:46,895 I teach survival. 511 00:34:46,896 --> 00:34:49,412 You know, I teach emergency preparedness. 512 00:34:49,413 --> 00:34:52,205 I teach how to get out of sticky situations. 513 00:34:52,206 --> 00:34:54,275 This is wilderness living. 514 00:34:54,379 --> 00:34:57,896 This is different. This takes guts. 515 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:01,136 Today, I'm going to pluck some spruce boughs 516 00:35:01,137 --> 00:35:02,586 to use for ice fishing. 517 00:35:05,931 --> 00:35:08,171 OK. 518 00:35:08,172 --> 00:35:09,447 The spruce boughs, 519 00:35:09,448 --> 00:35:10,862 we're actually going to go into the hole 520 00:35:10,965 --> 00:35:13,412 which we create when we break through the ice, 521 00:35:13,413 --> 00:35:14,655 drop the line in. 522 00:35:14,758 --> 00:35:16,655 So the boughs will be essentially 523 00:35:16,758 --> 00:35:20,033 a block for the ice to freeze solid 524 00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:22,033 and that each morning, I could break the ice 525 00:35:22,034 --> 00:35:23,826 with ease to check the lines. 526 00:35:27,448 --> 00:35:31,309 I was very warm last night. 527 00:35:31,310 --> 00:35:33,723 So that gave me a lot of hope. 528 00:35:33,724 --> 00:35:36,136 That can push me through the next three weeks 529 00:35:36,137 --> 00:35:37,757 despite the fact that 530 00:35:37,758 --> 00:35:40,723 I'm pretty sure I cooked my eyeballs. 531 00:35:42,379 --> 00:35:45,033 I'm starting to notice that my eyes are becoming 532 00:35:45,034 --> 00:35:47,171 way more sensitive to the steam and smoke. 533 00:35:47,172 --> 00:35:51,412 The recovery time from the steam exposure 534 00:35:51,413 --> 00:35:53,240 is getting longer. 535 00:35:53,241 --> 00:35:56,205 My eyes-- 536 00:35:58,448 --> 00:36:02,274 I wouldn't say they hurt. They're just really irritated. 537 00:36:07,137 --> 00:36:09,171 You know, I have a lot on the line. 538 00:36:09,172 --> 00:36:11,793 I travel across the country teaching people skills. 539 00:36:11,896 --> 00:36:15,034 And here I am, struggling with smoke. 540 00:36:17,379 --> 00:36:18,964 The skills part is easy. 541 00:36:18,965 --> 00:36:21,241 But even then, I've made some mistakes. 542 00:36:23,620 --> 00:36:26,241 Oh, no. 543 00:36:27,862 --> 00:36:29,240 Ugh. 544 00:36:29,241 --> 00:36:31,517 I could have chose an easier shelter to build. 545 00:36:31,620 --> 00:36:35,861 But you know, I didn't come here to play it safe. 546 00:36:36,862 --> 00:36:38,103 It's definitely a gamble 547 00:36:38,206 --> 00:36:40,792 because I know that there is a possibility 548 00:36:40,793 --> 00:36:44,343 for people to judge my performance highly. 549 00:36:44,344 --> 00:36:47,206 There's this pressure from my peers 550 00:36:47,310 --> 00:36:50,378 and my audience to do well. 551 00:36:50,379 --> 00:36:52,792 But it's well on their terms. 552 00:36:54,758 --> 00:36:56,620 And that's what's a little frustrating 553 00:36:56,724 --> 00:37:01,033 because I get to determine what doing well means. 554 00:37:01,034 --> 00:37:03,930 People are going to think whatever they want to think. 555 00:37:03,931 --> 00:37:06,102 I'm really doing this for me. 556 00:37:06,103 --> 00:37:09,344 And if anybody wants to go out and judge my experience, 557 00:37:09,448 --> 00:37:10,930 you can go get off the couch 558 00:37:10,931 --> 00:37:12,931 and apply to the show next year and prove me wrong. 559 00:37:14,896 --> 00:37:19,000 Yeah, I feel like it's time to get warm. 560 00:37:47,551 --> 00:37:51,965 Let's go down and check the gill net and the weir. 561 00:37:52,068 --> 00:37:55,619 Bit of a later start today, but on Nero time. 562 00:37:55,620 --> 00:37:57,309 So start whenever I want. 563 00:37:58,758 --> 00:38:00,655 I've been thinking about my relationship with my dad 564 00:38:00,758 --> 00:38:04,861 growing up, and just not a lot of time spent together. 565 00:38:04,862 --> 00:38:07,274 He was just working a lot of the time. 566 00:38:07,275 --> 00:38:09,930 And we'd go through little bits and pieces, 567 00:38:09,931 --> 00:38:11,930 the stereotypical playing ball 568 00:38:11,931 --> 00:38:15,136 or, you know, camping or hikes or whatever it is. 569 00:38:15,137 --> 00:38:17,724 The one thing that he always went back to was fishing. 570 00:38:22,448 --> 00:38:26,171 Yeah, buddy. 571 00:38:26,172 --> 00:38:28,000 The cold temperatures have brought 572 00:38:28,103 --> 00:38:31,964 another coney into the mix. 573 00:38:31,965 --> 00:38:35,067 Yes. 574 00:38:35,068 --> 00:38:36,862 Coney time. 575 00:38:36,965 --> 00:38:39,619 Coney time. Yes. 576 00:38:39,620 --> 00:38:41,861 It's not guaranteed yet, though. 577 00:38:41,862 --> 00:38:44,033 Gotta get it on shore. 578 00:38:46,586 --> 00:38:49,688 Oh, it's a good-sized one, too. 579 00:38:49,689 --> 00:38:51,309 All right, come on. 580 00:38:51,310 --> 00:38:54,931 Yes. 581 00:38:55,034 --> 00:38:55,931 Yes. 582 00:38:57,827 --> 00:39:00,413 Yes. 583 00:39:00,517 --> 00:39:05,413 Now a good, good size inconnu. 584 00:39:05,517 --> 00:39:07,688 Yes. 585 00:39:07,689 --> 00:39:09,481 Gill net has been working, but you know, 586 00:39:09,482 --> 00:39:10,930 I don't just sit back and do nothing. 587 00:39:10,931 --> 00:39:13,240 It's about still just trying different means. 588 00:39:13,241 --> 00:39:15,102 And not only is it calories coming in, 589 00:39:15,103 --> 00:39:19,481 but it's the variety that's going to prolong my time here. 590 00:39:19,482 --> 00:39:22,102 I'm gonna put you back in the water just for time being. 591 00:39:23,758 --> 00:39:26,136 All my life, I've been looking for external validation 592 00:39:26,137 --> 00:39:29,792 because I haven't had the confidence in who I am. 593 00:39:29,793 --> 00:39:32,827 Oh, let's get you scaled straight up. 594 00:39:32,931 --> 00:39:35,619 And it's always looking for something external, 595 00:39:35,620 --> 00:39:37,792 somebody else to give me reassurance 596 00:39:37,793 --> 00:39:40,034 about who I am and whether I'm loved 597 00:39:40,137 --> 00:39:43,033 or worthy of love and people's attention. 598 00:39:43,034 --> 00:39:46,034 Oh, this guy's pretty tough on the scales. 599 00:39:46,137 --> 00:39:49,240 I felt like just being me was never enough 600 00:39:49,241 --> 00:39:51,689 because from my experience growing up, 601 00:39:51,793 --> 00:39:53,688 it was never enough to get the love 602 00:39:53,689 --> 00:39:55,103 and attention that I wanted. 603 00:39:55,206 --> 00:39:57,274 Some of this straight in the pot. 604 00:39:57,275 --> 00:40:00,103 So I feel like I just needed to push and do more 605 00:40:00,206 --> 00:40:03,343 and be more to try and get what I thought 606 00:40:03,344 --> 00:40:05,964 was missing and what everybody else seemed to have. 607 00:40:05,965 --> 00:40:08,723 Oh yeah, it's a good first meal. 608 00:40:08,724 --> 00:40:11,827 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 609 00:40:11,931 --> 00:40:15,034 OK, let's get these gill nets sorted out. 610 00:40:18,172 --> 00:40:21,034 And now, I've come to a place where I have that, 611 00:40:21,137 --> 00:40:23,274 that inner resolve and that inner clarity 612 00:40:23,275 --> 00:40:28,654 in knowing not only who I am but knowing that I am loved 613 00:40:28,655 --> 00:40:31,482 and that I am special and worthy. 614 00:40:31,586 --> 00:40:33,033 Thank you, Mr. Inconnu, 615 00:40:33,034 --> 00:40:35,723 for not messing up my gill net too bad. 616 00:40:37,413 --> 00:40:41,102 Last few pike have been pretty violent. 617 00:40:41,103 --> 00:40:43,309 And damn, that placement's pretty damn good too. 618 00:40:43,310 --> 00:40:45,102 Because of this experience, 619 00:40:45,103 --> 00:40:46,723 for the first time in my life, 620 00:40:46,724 --> 00:40:51,896 I know and love myself regardless of anything else. 621 00:40:56,206 --> 00:40:58,000 Oh, [bleep]. 622 00:41:06,620 --> 00:41:08,172 Oh, [bleep]. 623 00:41:08,275 --> 00:41:11,310 [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep]. 624 00:41:11,413 --> 00:41:13,136 Not good. 625 00:41:15,862 --> 00:41:17,136 Not good. 626 00:41:19,551 --> 00:41:22,792 Wrong step. Wrong step. 627 00:41:24,103 --> 00:41:26,412 Wrong step. 628 00:41:26,413 --> 00:41:31,412 Gotta get back, get some firewood in, 629 00:41:31,413 --> 00:41:35,619 and get back and get dry. 630 00:41:35,620 --> 00:41:38,275 Dry, dry, dry. 631 00:41:46,793 --> 00:41:48,171 That sucked. 632 00:41:50,724 --> 00:41:54,585 That was above-the-knee submersion. 633 00:41:54,586 --> 00:41:56,723 Then I put my left hand out. 634 00:41:59,965 --> 00:42:05,689 Water went all into my left mitt as well. 635 00:42:07,896 --> 00:42:11,137 I've got a fresh change of thermals. 636 00:42:11,241 --> 00:42:13,688 My pot's full of food. 637 00:42:13,689 --> 00:42:16,172 So I can essentially just bunker down now 638 00:42:16,275 --> 00:42:18,550 and just dry out all my stuff. 639 00:42:18,551 --> 00:42:21,344 So in that regards, really thankful. 640 00:42:21,448 --> 00:42:23,757 That was a good reminder I should be smarter 641 00:42:23,758 --> 00:42:26,343 and I should clear that and make sure 642 00:42:26,344 --> 00:42:27,758 that's all very, very accurate 643 00:42:27,862 --> 00:42:29,412 with where to actually step. 644 00:42:30,965 --> 00:42:32,757 Could have been worse. 645 00:42:34,103 --> 00:42:35,654 Let's get yous dry. 646 00:42:37,551 --> 00:42:39,034 It's not a straightforward decision 647 00:42:39,137 --> 00:42:40,448 to choose to come on "Alone." 648 00:42:41,827 --> 00:42:43,103 That's really good. 649 00:42:43,206 --> 00:42:45,655 Really, really good. 650 00:42:45,758 --> 00:42:47,067 There's a lot of risks, 651 00:42:47,068 --> 00:42:49,516 not necessarily to do with the environment, 652 00:42:49,517 --> 00:42:52,274 all of that, absolutely is something to consider. 653 00:42:52,275 --> 00:42:55,136 But you're also putting yourself out there 654 00:42:55,137 --> 00:42:58,309 to be seen, to be judged, 655 00:42:58,310 --> 00:43:01,688 and there's a lot of things that are outside your control 656 00:43:01,689 --> 00:43:04,448 that can really impact and dictate your journey 657 00:43:04,551 --> 00:43:07,205 and how your experience is going to be. 658 00:43:07,206 --> 00:43:09,895 Oh, that's good. Yeah. 659 00:43:09,896 --> 00:43:14,516 And to do that publicly is-- yeah, it's scary. 660 00:43:14,517 --> 00:43:16,517 That's really nice as well. 661 00:43:16,620 --> 00:43:18,102 There's things that you kind of have in mind 662 00:43:18,103 --> 00:43:20,757 how you'd like your experience to be 663 00:43:20,758 --> 00:43:24,102 and the story that you'd like to share. 664 00:43:24,103 --> 00:43:26,930 But life doesn't play out that way. 665 00:43:26,931 --> 00:43:28,378 Life just happens the way it happens. 666 00:43:28,379 --> 00:43:30,379 And you just need to adjust 667 00:43:30,482 --> 00:43:34,136 and accept that you're vulnerable. 668 00:43:34,137 --> 00:43:36,171 Like, it was never my intention to come out here 669 00:43:36,172 --> 00:43:39,758 and work on my relationship with my dad. 670 00:43:55,103 --> 00:43:58,930 I was lying in my sleeping bag. 671 00:43:58,931 --> 00:44:01,309 And-- 672 00:44:01,310 --> 00:44:03,792 I-- 673 00:44:03,793 --> 00:44:08,792 I thought about my dad. 674 00:44:08,793 --> 00:44:10,379 And... 675 00:44:15,068 --> 00:44:19,619 Internally, I've been very critical of him. 676 00:44:19,620 --> 00:44:23,861 And resentful because... 677 00:44:25,724 --> 00:44:28,551 You know, for me, as a child, 678 00:44:28,655 --> 00:44:31,171 you know, I just wish that he was around more. 679 00:44:33,034 --> 00:44:35,516 And spent more time with him. 680 00:44:37,931 --> 00:44:41,620 But he just worked a lot. 681 00:44:41,724 --> 00:44:45,550 Just like-- 682 00:44:47,517 --> 00:44:51,585 Just spent so much time, sacrificed so much of his time 683 00:44:51,586 --> 00:44:54,655 and his life working. 684 00:44:56,827 --> 00:44:59,481 To look after us and to provide for us. 685 00:45:01,793 --> 00:45:03,343 He'd do anything for us. 686 00:45:03,344 --> 00:45:06,136 He still would do anything for me. 687 00:45:07,551 --> 00:45:09,413 He would. 688 00:45:09,517 --> 00:45:10,827 If I needed help... 689 00:45:15,275 --> 00:45:18,861 And asked, at the drop of a hat, 690 00:45:18,862 --> 00:45:20,827 he would come and do it. 691 00:45:24,689 --> 00:45:29,861 He's given so much to support. 692 00:45:32,827 --> 00:45:35,102 And do what he thought was right. 693 00:45:37,103 --> 00:45:41,550 And here I've been just resentful. 694 00:45:41,551 --> 00:45:44,172 Holding a grudge. 695 00:45:44,275 --> 00:45:47,930 And he did exactly what I'd do for my son. 696 00:45:47,931 --> 00:45:49,999 I'd do anything for him. 697 00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:55,205 I'd go through that for him. 698 00:45:58,000 --> 00:46:01,310 And have I ever really, truly said thank you? 699 00:46:03,758 --> 00:46:06,550 And shown my gratitude to my dad? 700 00:46:12,655 --> 00:46:13,792 Thank you, Dad. 701 00:46:16,482 --> 00:46:18,205 I love you. 702 00:46:29,413 --> 00:46:31,240 And you know, the thing is... 703 00:46:34,862 --> 00:46:38,516 I came out here 704 00:46:38,517 --> 00:46:40,895 to learn and grow, 705 00:46:40,896 --> 00:46:44,550 to become a better father for my son. 706 00:46:46,896 --> 00:46:50,827 I didn't realize 707 00:46:50,931 --> 00:46:54,723 what else I needed to do is come out here to become 708 00:46:54,724 --> 00:46:59,619 a better son for my own dad. 709 00:46:59,620 --> 00:47:04,309 You deserve more. 710 00:47:04,310 --> 00:47:08,965 You deserve a better son. 711 00:47:09,068 --> 00:47:13,310 When I get back, I want to spend more time with my dad. 712 00:47:30,758 --> 00:47:33,447 Cramp started again. 713 00:47:37,827 --> 00:47:39,240 Oh, God. 714 00:47:46,517 --> 00:47:48,724 Good morning. 715 00:47:48,827 --> 00:47:50,309 Wow, it was a wild one last night. 716 00:47:50,310 --> 00:47:51,550 It's still a bit wild now. 717 00:47:51,551 --> 00:47:55,309 It's, uh, it's been pretty windy. 718 00:47:55,310 --> 00:47:58,723 And the floor of my shelter 719 00:47:58,724 --> 00:48:02,412 is covered with spindrift snow 720 00:48:02,413 --> 00:48:05,861 which has just blown in through the chimney. 721 00:48:05,862 --> 00:48:09,724 However, my bed is completely snow-free, 722 00:48:09,827 --> 00:48:12,688 so that makes me a very happy bunny. 723 00:48:12,689 --> 00:48:17,551 Um, right, OK, so this is the view this morning. 724 00:48:17,655 --> 00:48:20,757 There's a fair amount of extra snow overnight. 725 00:48:20,758 --> 00:48:24,930 Right, let's have a quick check of the local snares. 726 00:48:26,344 --> 00:48:27,793 Temperature's dropping quite a lot, 727 00:48:27,896 --> 00:48:32,964 so that seems to indicate that the snow 728 00:48:32,965 --> 00:48:34,861 may be over for a while. 729 00:48:34,862 --> 00:48:39,999 And as tough as it is to have low temperatures... 730 00:48:41,275 --> 00:48:44,688 I'm finding the snow is more difficult to manage. 731 00:48:44,689 --> 00:48:48,067 It sort of covers up all the tracks. 732 00:48:50,931 --> 00:48:53,757 No fox tracks, no-- no anything. 733 00:48:53,758 --> 00:48:55,274 This is-- it's a worry, really, 734 00:48:55,275 --> 00:48:58,481 because if there's no game, there's no food. 735 00:49:00,103 --> 00:49:03,482 Wow, the snow is deep here. Look at this. 736 00:49:03,586 --> 00:49:05,654 And I'm wearing these bibs. 737 00:49:05,655 --> 00:49:07,034 I'm going to need them. 738 00:49:09,000 --> 00:49:11,862 This is going to be slow going today. 739 00:49:16,965 --> 00:49:20,136 It's my first snare here. There's nothing in that. 740 00:49:20,137 --> 00:49:22,067 Let's move that around a little bit. 741 00:49:23,965 --> 00:49:26,344 I've had a pretty good run. I've had quite a few hares. 742 00:49:26,448 --> 00:49:29,792 But the weather became a lot more unsettled. 743 00:49:29,793 --> 00:49:31,792 The winds can be pretty strong, 744 00:49:31,793 --> 00:49:34,412 and that causes snow drifts. 745 00:49:34,413 --> 00:49:36,172 There's a run through here as well. 746 00:49:36,275 --> 00:49:38,241 I mean, some of the snares have been completely buried. 747 00:49:38,344 --> 00:49:40,033 Nothing in that one. 748 00:49:41,034 --> 00:49:43,068 I'll move that one up a bit. 749 00:49:43,172 --> 00:49:44,481 Those that aren't completely covered 750 00:49:44,482 --> 00:49:46,481 are moved out of position. 751 00:49:46,482 --> 00:49:49,412 And as a result, my ability to catch hares 752 00:49:49,413 --> 00:49:52,068 has diminished quite significantly. 753 00:49:52,172 --> 00:49:54,826 So it's getting tough, definitely getting tough. 754 00:49:56,517 --> 00:49:59,689 Every step is just brutal punishment. 755 00:50:01,275 --> 00:50:04,343 And there's got to be an easier way of getting hares. 756 00:50:04,344 --> 00:50:07,102 Or any kind of food, for that matter. 757 00:50:07,103 --> 00:50:09,310 So I shall go back. 758 00:50:09,965 --> 00:50:12,206 I've found myself in a position where 759 00:50:12,310 --> 00:50:14,757 I'm not having any success fishing. 760 00:50:14,758 --> 00:50:16,861 The foraging is not happening 761 00:50:16,862 --> 00:50:18,171 because there's too much snow out. 762 00:50:18,172 --> 00:50:19,964 All the berries are covered. 763 00:50:19,965 --> 00:50:21,792 And my one source of food, 764 00:50:21,793 --> 00:50:24,447 suddenly now, I can't catch them. 765 00:50:26,482 --> 00:50:30,861 I can't honestly see this going on another month or more. 766 00:50:30,862 --> 00:50:35,689 Just not much prospect of getting any more food, really. 767 00:50:35,793 --> 00:50:38,861 This is definitely one of the toughest parts. 768 00:50:38,862 --> 00:50:40,516 You know, I've had a few periods 769 00:50:40,517 --> 00:50:44,137 of starvation before now in the early stages. 770 00:50:44,241 --> 00:50:46,309 But at this stage, it's far more serious 771 00:50:46,310 --> 00:50:48,930 because I just have no body weight to spare. 772 00:50:48,931 --> 00:50:53,619 So a gap in my ability to actually trap hares 773 00:50:53,620 --> 00:50:55,965 suddenly has become a pretty serious threat 774 00:50:56,068 --> 00:50:58,585 to my ability to function. 775 00:50:58,586 --> 00:51:00,688 I hate returning home empty-handed. 776 00:51:00,689 --> 00:51:02,309 Oof, wow. 777 00:51:02,310 --> 00:51:04,757 You would not believe how hard everything becomes 778 00:51:04,758 --> 00:51:09,481 when you are in a calorie deficit. 779 00:51:09,482 --> 00:51:11,309 Oh, my God. 780 00:51:27,172 --> 00:51:30,274 Wow, and what a mess. Look at me. God. 781 00:51:33,413 --> 00:51:37,516 Nature and the outdoors is an unforgiving place. 782 00:51:37,517 --> 00:51:38,930 And today was one of those days 783 00:51:38,931 --> 00:51:41,654 that reminds you of how unforgiving it can be 784 00:51:41,655 --> 00:51:45,550 and how poorly my body is performing 785 00:51:45,551 --> 00:51:47,757 under the circumstances. 786 00:51:47,758 --> 00:51:49,309 There's a little piece of me that just 787 00:51:49,310 --> 00:51:50,551 wants to push that button. 788 00:51:50,655 --> 00:51:54,758 And I can just sit back, sip a cup of coffee, 789 00:51:54,862 --> 00:51:59,000 and I won't have to worry about the struggle anymore. 790 00:52:02,206 --> 00:52:03,309 There's a lot of people out here 791 00:52:03,310 --> 00:52:04,689 that perform at a very high level 792 00:52:04,793 --> 00:52:07,689 within the world of bushcraft and survival skills. 793 00:52:07,793 --> 00:52:09,965 But this is a massive, massive challenge 794 00:52:10,068 --> 00:52:13,102 regardless of how skilled or experienced you are. 795 00:52:13,103 --> 00:52:16,550 Real hardship, real starvation. 796 00:52:16,551 --> 00:52:18,550 And it's painful. 797 00:52:18,551 --> 00:52:20,309 That's enough of monkey business. 798 00:52:22,103 --> 00:52:23,550 I think as a younger man, 799 00:52:23,551 --> 00:52:26,343 I wouldn't have been able to tolerate the discomfort 800 00:52:26,344 --> 00:52:28,930 in the same way that I can now. 801 00:52:28,931 --> 00:52:31,792 I can't stand it. 802 00:52:31,793 --> 00:52:34,586 The knocks that life tends to throw at you... 803 00:52:36,137 --> 00:52:38,447 Have an amazing ability to make you very resilient. 804 00:52:41,931 --> 00:52:43,067 It's a fight. 805 00:52:43,068 --> 00:52:45,240 Every day now is becoming a fight. 806 00:52:46,896 --> 00:52:50,724 Every day is getting harder. Every day is getting colder. 807 00:52:50,827 --> 00:52:53,343 Every day, we're getting skinnier. 808 00:52:53,344 --> 00:52:57,481 How long I can continue for is up for question. 809 00:53:00,034 --> 00:53:01,792 As tough as it is, 810 00:53:01,793 --> 00:53:05,241 the more of that school of hard knocks that you get, 811 00:53:05,344 --> 00:53:06,862 the more resilient you become. 812 00:53:09,034 --> 00:53:11,448 And that's the reality of the world we're in. 813 00:53:38,827 --> 00:53:40,413 What's up? 814 00:53:42,827 --> 00:53:45,792 Today, I was going to go work on a trap line. 815 00:53:45,793 --> 00:53:48,275 But with the snow, 816 00:53:48,379 --> 00:53:50,895 that doesn't really make a lot of sense. 817 00:53:50,896 --> 00:53:53,862 However, the gill net needs to be repaired. 818 00:53:55,586 --> 00:53:58,344 Ah, [bleep]. 819 00:53:58,448 --> 00:54:00,103 And the good thing is is that we don't actually have to make 820 00:54:00,206 --> 00:54:04,585 a full net because we're just repairing some things. 821 00:54:04,586 --> 00:54:10,033 But I think if I had to guess, about 4 feet should be plenty. 822 00:54:11,689 --> 00:54:14,205 4 feet is still a lot to net-make. 823 00:54:15,827 --> 00:54:18,826 The good thing is that we've got nothing but time. 824 00:54:21,034 --> 00:54:24,309 I've been having a lot of really extreme emotions here 825 00:54:24,310 --> 00:54:27,274 about failure and image and ego. 826 00:54:28,310 --> 00:54:29,896 Maybe it's a good thing. 827 00:54:31,758 --> 00:54:34,723 Maybe I'm having an ego death. 828 00:54:34,724 --> 00:54:38,343 Even if I just do this for me and my personal goals, 829 00:54:38,344 --> 00:54:43,826 it's really easy to say I can be happy with what I've done. 830 00:54:43,827 --> 00:54:45,827 Well, it looks like I'm going to be doing this for a while. 831 00:54:48,172 --> 00:54:49,620 Is that right? 832 00:54:49,724 --> 00:54:53,412 But then I think about the countless young women 833 00:54:53,413 --> 00:54:58,689 who feel that they can't do incredible things... 834 00:55:00,310 --> 00:55:02,758 Great. So, yeah, now I can't see. 835 00:55:02,862 --> 00:55:04,172 [bleep]. 836 00:55:08,379 --> 00:55:11,964 Who feel that somebody else 837 00:55:11,965 --> 00:55:13,826 wrote the script to their life. 838 00:55:15,172 --> 00:55:19,241 My story can show them that, yeah, 839 00:55:19,344 --> 00:55:21,826 you can change your narrative. 840 00:55:21,827 --> 00:55:25,689 My journey has changed my life 841 00:55:25,793 --> 00:55:27,862 from one of resistance to reward. 842 00:55:29,896 --> 00:55:31,895 From reaching to releasing, 843 00:55:31,896 --> 00:55:35,517 and the confidence to take back the pen 844 00:55:35,620 --> 00:55:38,481 to writing my own narrative. 845 00:55:43,344 --> 00:55:46,516 I think I burnt my eyes again. 846 00:55:53,758 --> 00:55:55,792 So you can't tell, I want-- [bleep] hot. 847 00:55:58,068 --> 00:56:01,309 Damn it. 848 00:56:09,586 --> 00:56:12,758 It's too painful. I can't do it. 849 00:56:14,827 --> 00:56:17,723 I can't [bleep] do this right now. 850 00:56:19,896 --> 00:56:23,413 The smoke is rising and-- 851 00:56:25,724 --> 00:56:27,999 I can't [bleep] see! 852 00:56:36,275 --> 00:56:38,067 I don't know what to do. 853 00:56:38,068 --> 00:56:40,274 I have to get this [bleep] net done. 854 00:56:40,275 --> 00:56:43,516 I don't know what to do. 855 00:56:43,517 --> 00:56:46,930 Here is my 856 00:56:46,931 --> 00:56:49,172 favorite-least-favorite part of the day. 857 00:56:49,275 --> 00:56:51,344 It's like, I get to be warm. 858 00:56:51,448 --> 00:56:52,827 I get to eat. 859 00:56:52,931 --> 00:56:55,723 But then I have to be tortured at the same time. 860 00:56:59,586 --> 00:57:01,826 My eyes. [bleep]. 861 00:57:04,310 --> 00:57:06,930 I can't even open them. 862 00:57:06,931 --> 00:57:11,310 It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. 863 00:57:15,137 --> 00:57:18,964 I'm not really ready for bed, but I can't see. 864 00:57:21,586 --> 00:57:25,378 So I can't do anything. 865 00:57:25,379 --> 00:57:28,171 Oh, my eyes. 866 00:57:28,172 --> 00:57:30,999 Oh, my God. My eyes. 867 00:58:01,965 --> 00:58:05,240 I don't know what to do. 868 00:58:05,241 --> 00:58:08,413 I think I really hurt my eyes. 869 00:58:10,827 --> 00:58:15,861 It's been 12 hours. 870 00:58:15,862 --> 00:58:20,896 And I can somewhat open my right one. 871 00:58:23,724 --> 00:58:26,757 Barely my left. 872 00:58:26,758 --> 00:58:30,551 Um, my left one feels like there's something in it. 873 00:58:32,931 --> 00:58:37,448 Like it's scratchy or it's cut. 874 00:58:37,551 --> 00:58:40,481 I can't open them for more than a second or two 875 00:58:40,482 --> 00:58:42,999 without tears coming to my eyes. 876 00:58:53,103 --> 00:58:57,067 I can't see the screen. 877 00:59:00,034 --> 00:59:02,172 Everything's really blurry. 878 00:59:04,655 --> 00:59:09,274 We do have a syringe in our med kit. 879 00:59:11,965 --> 00:59:13,826 And I was thinking about how I could use that 880 00:59:13,827 --> 00:59:17,275 maybe to flush my eyes out. 881 00:59:17,379 --> 00:59:20,274 But I can't safely disinfect water right now. 882 00:59:23,655 --> 00:59:25,895 I'd have to build a fire. 883 00:59:28,689 --> 00:59:32,171 I didn't foresee this in any way. 884 00:59:32,172 --> 00:59:36,413 As someone who is a professional in this field, 885 00:59:36,517 --> 00:59:39,034 I am embarrassed, but things happen. 886 00:59:40,482 --> 00:59:43,412 I can't lay here 887 00:59:43,413 --> 00:59:45,619 all day trying to get warm 888 00:59:45,620 --> 00:59:49,826 and be blind in an environment like this. 889 00:59:51,206 --> 00:59:53,240 I can't. It's not safe. 890 00:59:53,241 --> 00:59:57,619 It's not smart. And... 891 00:59:59,206 --> 01:00:01,723 There's nothing more I can do. 892 01:00:14,137 --> 01:00:16,412 This is Jacks, 893 01:00:16,413 --> 01:00:19,378 and I am officially tapping out. 894 01:00:28,068 --> 01:00:33,654 I put some snow in this gauze for inflammation. 895 01:00:33,655 --> 01:00:36,689 Maybe it'll melt, irrigate my eyes a little bit. 896 01:00:47,793 --> 01:00:51,275 This was not an easy decision for me to make. 897 01:00:55,793 --> 01:00:59,447 I've always had a problem with self-care, 898 01:00:59,448 --> 01:01:03,689 and I think that's because there is a lack of-- 899 01:01:03,793 --> 01:01:08,688 there is a little bit of a lack of love there towards the self. 900 01:01:08,689 --> 01:01:13,343 I know that by leaving here is protecting myself. 901 01:01:13,344 --> 01:01:17,724 That is self-care, and it's the greatest act of self-love. 902 01:01:20,724 --> 01:01:25,033 I became much more vulnerable, 903 01:01:25,034 --> 01:01:28,620 but much more authentic out here. 904 01:01:28,724 --> 01:01:32,655 And in return, I actually think I became stronger, 905 01:01:32,758 --> 01:01:36,999 way more connected to land and spirit, 906 01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:40,240 courageous. 907 01:01:40,241 --> 01:01:44,862 I've never felt more alive... 908 01:01:46,827 --> 01:01:51,482 In my entire life than I have in the past two months. 909 01:02:00,724 --> 01:02:03,310 I never thought I could feel that. 910 01:02:09,068 --> 01:02:11,274 This is the first time in my life where 911 01:02:11,275 --> 01:02:15,481 I've chosen me 912 01:02:15,482 --> 01:02:18,481 before anything else, really. 913 01:02:20,931 --> 01:02:24,516 This is the first time in my life that I chose 914 01:02:24,517 --> 01:02:27,309 to love my most authentic self 915 01:02:29,724 --> 01:02:31,619 over the armor that I wear. 916 01:02:33,586 --> 01:02:37,585 This is a side of me that I normally don't let people see. 917 01:02:37,586 --> 01:02:39,447 My truth is out there. 918 01:02:39,448 --> 01:02:41,447 Who I really am is out there. 919 01:02:41,448 --> 01:02:45,895 And now, I'm free. 920 01:02:45,896 --> 01:02:48,688 I don't need that armor anymore. 921 01:02:48,689 --> 01:02:51,931 This experience has given me the best gift possible. 922 01:02:53,482 --> 01:02:57,930 And that is that I can fully be that person now. 923 01:02:57,931 --> 01:03:00,827 I get to leave here 924 01:03:00,931 --> 01:03:03,826 leaning into that person, 925 01:03:03,827 --> 01:03:06,481 and I get to love that person now. 926 01:03:06,482 --> 01:03:09,862 Being here was an opportunity of a lifetime. 927 01:03:14,034 --> 01:03:15,481 But this? 928 01:03:17,034 --> 01:03:18,723 You know, this is forever. 929 01:03:42,310 --> 01:03:44,654 Unless ice fishing starts to produce, 930 01:03:44,655 --> 01:03:46,447 things are not looking good for me. 931 01:03:46,448 --> 01:03:48,067 I've had an idea 932 01:03:48,068 --> 01:03:51,689 that will allow "Hiraeth" the coracle to rise again. 933 01:03:53,241 --> 01:03:56,689 Holy crap. What the heck is happening with the shelter? 934 01:03:58,448 --> 01:03:59,654 [bleep]. 935 01:03:59,655 --> 01:04:01,792 My family photo. 936 01:04:01,793 --> 01:04:04,827 Not having my family, the love, the attention, 937 01:04:04,931 --> 01:04:08,172 the affection, that's what slowly wears you down.