- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪
♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong balls ♪
♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪
♪ Leaping over laundry piles
♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪
♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪
- ♪ In the Loud house
♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪
♪ Is how we show our love
- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪
- ♪ One boy and ten girls
♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪
- ♪ Loud Loud Loud
♪ Loud house
- Poo-poo.
[pleasant music]
♪
- Guys, you're not gonna believe this.
The library's having a contest.
We can win an entire night at Spunk E. Pigeon's
- Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise!
Starring your favorite video games!
Your favorite toppings!
And your favorite hits!
- ♪ Ooh girl, if I could - ♪ Ooh, girl
both: ♪ Ooh girl, give you the world, girl ♪
- Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise!
You'll lose your mind!
[together] You mean all of it?
- Yeah, all to ourselves.
We just have to read as many books as we can as a family.
- Well hot dog, kids!
We've got some reading to do!
- To the library!
- Uh-oh. My overdue fines!
[together] Spunk-e-pigeon! Spunk-e-pigeon! Spunk-e-pigeon!
- Reading, huh?
[together] The li-brary! The li-brary! The library!
- Shhhh! - Whoops! Hush tones, kids.
- Hut hut!
- You look familiar...
- Oh, uh--no, ma'am. I'm brand new to these here parts.
- Hmm... I swear I've seen you before.
[heavy thump]
Emilio, I'm gonna need backup.
- What did you get from the library, Lola?
Stickers?
Uh, I'm not sure those count as something to read.
- Hmph! Reading's boring.
- No, it's not.
And we can't win the pizza party unless everyone
in the family reads at least one book.
- Well, tough tiaras, 'cause I'm not gonna do it!
- Dudes, Lola's gonna blow our pizza party!
What are we gonna do?
- Easy, we chain her up in the attic
and tell the librarian she never existed;
Lana just has to pretend she has a split personality.
- I can do it!
- Seems a little extreme?
- Honey, there's pizza at stake here!
- Wait, maybe there's an easier way.
You heard Lola--she just thinks that reading is boring.
So we need to help her see that it's not!
- You're right. That makes more sense.
Just in case, keep your chains handy.
- Whoa, you can make pancakes with just eggs and a banana?!
Boy, I tell you, these cookbooks
are a nonstop thrill ride!
You wanna read one?
- No, but when you've made those pancakes,
give me a holler.
Lola out.
- [stagily laughing] This book is a hoot!
I'm gonna have to get some ice for my knees,
I've been slapping 'em so hard!
Care to read one?
- Sorry, Mom says I do too much slapping already.
And biting. And shin kicking. And hair pulling...
- All fixed! It is amazing what you can learn
from these auto repair books.
Wanna read one, Lola?
- Why? That's what I pay you for.
Eight crickets, as agreed.
[crickets chirping]
Uch. - Hey Lola.
- [screams] - Wanna check out volume one
of the greatest romance of all time?
He's a dark, brooding vampire.
She's a misunderstood girl
from the wrong side of the cemetery--
- No thank you. I prefer Prince Charming to Prince Alarming.
- Well, how about volume one of the greatest
crime-fighting duo of all time?
He's an undercover hero with an ace up his sleeve.
His sidekick is-- - Uch! Stop!
For the last time, I am not interested
in reading any of your books!
- We were going about this all wrong!
Of course Lola's not interested in any of our books.
We need to find ones that are right for her. Boom.
- Of course. - That makes sense.
- Heyyy, Lola!
I know you don't want to read about Ace Savvy,
but this time I have something that's perfect for you.
The Bossy Twins!
They're first graders just like you and Lana!
And they solve mysteries!
- Do they ever solve the mystery
of who gave them those hideous haircuts?
- Hey Lola, I've got the perfect book for you!
It'll answer all of your burning questions
about tea party etiquette!
- Pft. I don't have any questions. I'm an expert.
- Oh yeah? Do you know the proper serving temperature
for Earl Grey?
- 208 degrees Fahrenheit.
- "Frankie the Friendly Fairy?"
- Pass. I'm into unicorns now.
- Aha! Then you'll love-- "Unicorn University"!
- I've already seen the movie.
Ugh. That's 99 minutes I'll never get back.
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta tinkle.
- Come on, Lola!
The contest ends tomorrow and you're letting everyone down!
I'm not moving until you agree to read a book!
- Fine! Just gimme the princess one!
All: We're finished!
- The Loud family would like to report 260 books read.
- Very impressive.
The next highest family total is only 23,
and the contest ends at 5:00.
You've got this wrapped up.
[cheering]
- That's what I'm talking about!
- I'll just need you all to prove you read the books
by giving you a book-by-book quiz.
- We're ready for anything.
- You. Bread crust in a meatloaf: how much?
- Half a cup! - Very good.
You! Twist ending. Go!
- ...So it turns out it wasn't even a student
running the blog, it was a teacher!
And he literally tried to frame Gabby with a laptop in her--
- That's enough! Very good.
Now, what does the cow say?
- Moo! - Very good.
Ace Savvy's real name? - Spade Nifty!
- What time was Mr. Darcy's party?
- 8:00 p.m. sharp! - Einstein's wives?
Mileva 1903 - 1919.
Elsa 1919 - 1936. Y'all.
- Four-stroke engine cycle consists of--
- Intake, compression, power, exhaust!
- Sis boom bah!
- The sound made when a sheep explodes!
- Mick Swagger owes his entire career to--
- Delta blues musician Murky Bottoms.
- Fashion began with-- - Charles Frederick Worth!
First to sew a label!
- The greatest of all time?
- Muhammed Ali. Also prettiest.
- The night the vampire cried?
- Trick question. He cried every night.
- Well, I am impressed.
Clearly you've done all the work.
No need to quiz you on the rest.
- Phew. - Oh, wait!
We missed one family member. That's you, sweetie.
Tell me about Princess Martha and what she wore on her head.
- Oh, uh, she was a princess,
all right, oh yeah...
It was a crown!
She wore a crown... on her head.
Crown. Final answer.
- True. But what was so interesting about it?
- Oh, uh, it was interesting 'cause...
It was made of chocolate? - Chocolate?
- What is this, an interrogation?!
- Little girl, did you even read this book?
- No! I didn't read it!
[all gasp]
- The rules officially say that every member
has to read at least one book.
Little girl, I'm afraid if you didn't read this book,
your entire family is out.
[all groaning] - Are you serious?
- Lola!
- I told you I didn't want to do this stinking challenge!
- Huh! So long, Spunk E. Pigeon.
- Yeah! I'd like to give Lola a pizza my mind.
But seriously, she ruined everything!
- Guys, wait! Remember, Librarian Wetta said
the contest ends at 5:00.
It's only 3:00. We still have two hours!
- What about Lola?
There's literally no point if she won't participate.
- Leave everything to me.
I'll get to read that book by 5:00.
[indistinct chatter] - You got this.
- We'll be back in two hours.
[tires squeal]
- All right, what's the deal, Lo?
Won't you just read one book?
- Ugh! "Won't you just read one book"?
No, I won't! - Well, why the heck not?
- Okay, Lincoln, I guess it's time
I told you the truth.
I just don't like pizza.
[accordion music]
- Yeah, not buying that.
I know you don't like reading books,
but everyone's counting on you.
It's time to be a team player.
- Well, I'm not moving.
So good luck getting me back in there.
Noooooo!
- All right, you're not leaving until you read this whole book
in front of me.
- [clears throat] Books!
- Where?!
Dang it.
Hey, get back here!
- I told you, I ain't reading, okay?!
- I have you now!
- Like heck!
- What is wrong with you?
Is it that hard to read one measly book?!
- Yes, it is!
- Wait, what?
- It's too hard for me to read,
so I never do.
Don't you think I want to read about American princesses
and unicorns and the bossy twins,
even if they terrible hair?
- What if I helped you?
- Are you sure?
I'm so slow. And we don't have much time.
Doesn't it end at 5:00?
- We'll get through it together.
And you'll see, the more you read
the easier it gets.
Come on, sis, I'll show ya.
- O-o-once... yew--
- You got it!
Once uh-puh-- - Upon!
Once upon a t-t-t...
Okay, this word looks weird.
- Sound it out.
There's the T, so "tuh,"
then "I"--
- Tuh-i... Oh, time! Time!
Once upon a time.
And--and--
oh, Lincoln, it's 5:00!
What are we gonna do?!
- Don't worry about that. Let's finish reading.
- "And they lived hap-p-pee-ly...ever..."
[gasps] Happily ever after!
The end!
I can't believe it! I read a whole book!
Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!
- So proud of you, sis.
- Lincoln! It's 5:30!
The contest ended half an hour ago!
- Totally my fault.
It's just so quiet here.
I must've fallen asleep.
- Well, you literally blew it.
- Lincoln, you lost the contest for all of us!
- Yeah... I know.
- Wait. Stop, Lincoln.
This is my fault.
He spent the whole time helping me to read.
'Cause, well, it's hard for me.
But I like it now.
And I'm going to keep practicing,
because it's not as hard as I thought!
[all murmuring] - I know how you feel.
- Aw, don't worry about it.
- We're so sorry. - It's okay.
I'm sorry I cost Spunk E. Pigeon for you guys.
Aw, sweetie, that doesn't matter now.
- Yes, the important thing is that you're now able
to enjoy the wonders of literacy.
- I knew I recognized that voice.
The one with the fines!
- Peace out!
- ♪ Ooh girl, if I could
- ♪ Ooh girl, give you the--
both: ♪ Ooh girl, world, girl
- The fuzz-a-rockin' explodoganza
appears every six minutes!
- You know, this commercial is so realistic.
I totally smell pizza.
[all sniffing]
- Hey guys! Now that I can read,
I thought I'd make us all some pizza.
Pepperoni's in the oven, and next up is...
pineapple!
[timer dings]
- Well, isn't this just great?
- Just as good as Spunk E. Pigeon's!
- Get back here!
- [cackling] You'll never catch me, Wetta!
- You owe me $50,000!
[rock music]
♪
- Check this out.
"Our little Lori was born
with a point head, no hair, and webbed toes."
Gosh. She was perfect from day one.
- Focus, Clyde. We're supposed to be looking
for my birth story.
Everyone in our class has to do a report
about the day they were born,
and tomorrow is my turn.
Should be a cinch, because Mom and Dad
keep detailed baby books
for all of us.
Here's Luna's... Here's Lynn's...
Here's Lucy's... aha!
Here's mien.
Huh. The section for my birth story is blank.
That's okay. I'm sure Mom and Dad remember it.
- Your birth story?!
- Yeeeah.
It's not in my baby book.
- Uh, that's weird.
[chuckles] Wha-What do you want to know?
- Well, what time of day was I born?
- Night. - Morning.
- Okay... how much did I weigh?
- Nine pounds. - Seven pounds.
- What was the doctor's name?
- Dr. Patel. - Dr. Bernstein.
- What is going on?
both: Nothing!
- At least you agree on that one.
- That story had more holes than my underwear.
My parents are obviously hiding something,
and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.
- No, we are!
You're my best bud and future brother-in-law,
and I need to know how you came into this world!
- Hey Lori, do you remember anything
about the day I was born?
- Sure. Pop Pop was watching us.
A car pulled up and a scientist wearing a mask and gloves
stepped out holding you.
- A scientist?
- Did you say a scientist?
- Oh. Hi, Clyde.
- System overload! Abort! Abort!
[crash]
I hate to question my future bride,
but that story makes no sense.
Scientists don't deliver babies.
- Wait a minute. What if that scientist didn't deliver me?
What if she created me...
like "Larry the Lab Boy"! - Of course!
And it would totally explain the white hair.
[chuckles] - Only one thing.
Larry had super powers. And I don't.
- or do you?
Both: Field test!
- First up: super strength.
- Okay, Clyde. Let's do this!
[crash] [screams]
- Now that you're upright,
let's try testing your super speed.
On your mark, get set,
run like the wind!
- I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
- Move it, slowpoke.
- What just happened?
- I think you just proved you're definitely not as fast
as a boy made in a lab.
- Ah. Let's go check with Leni.
- I totes remember that day.
We were at home waiting to meet you.
And then you were carried in by an eagle.
Well, off to the mall!
- An eagle? That's crazy!
- Maybe she said beagle.
- How is that better?
- Wait a minute! Remember this?
- Of course!
"Erik the Eagle Boy"!
He was half eagle and half boy.
That would explain the white hair.
- But Erik could do all that, you know, eagle-stuff.
Both: Field test!
- McBride to tower, we're ready for take-off.
1, 2, 3-- fly, Eagle Boy!
Fly like-- - Aaaargh!
[smack] - A rock.
Open wide, eagle-boy,
here's lunch.
- [gulps]
[vomiting]
- Hmm. Maybe it was beagle.
How about some turkey giblets and gravy?
- [vomiting]
- Your birth story?
Totally remember it, brah.
A car pulled up to the house,
and Mom and Dad stepped out holding you...
- Huh. Nothing suspicious about that.
- And then all these dudes in dark suits and sunglasses
jumped out, surrounded the house,
and started talking into their watches.
It was pretty rad. Later!
- Well, now I'm even more confused.
- I'm not!
- Alan the Alien Boy! Of course!
Those guys Luna saw were government agents
bringing me to Mom and Dad.
- That would explain the white hair.
Both: Field test!
- Alan could open doors with his mind.
Let's see what you got.
[grunting, straining]
both: It worked! [flushing]
- I'd give it a minute before going in there.
Whew!
- Well, scratch that.
The next test is the ability to regenerate lost limbs.
Do you have a stick you could bite on?
- Clyde, I think it's pretty obvious I'm not an alien.
- Well, I was really little, but I do remember
how excited we were to finally have a brother.
We thought for sure you'd be a girl.
- Why would you think that?
- Mom and Dad already had your room decorated for one.
At first, we thought they brought home the wrong baby!
[giggling]
- Clyde, that's it!
It's just like "Ricky, the Wrong Baby."
Ricky's so-called "parents" wanted a boy so badly,
they paid a doctor to switchbabies.
My parents already had five girls.
It makes total sense!
- It would explain the white hair.
- Come on, Clyde.
We have to get to the bottom of this.
Okay, here are the local birth announcements
from the day I was born.
We need to find all of these families
and see if one of them could be mine.
- Great plan, Lincoln.
Or, I mean, whatever your name really is.
[sighs] This is gonna be an adjustment.
- Okay, Clyde. First house on the list!
- Maybe you were switched with that really tall girl.
- Or maybe not. Next!
- [giggling]
- Hey! That girl laughs just like Luan!
She must be a Loud, and I must belong in that family.
Or maybe not. Next!
Maybe she's the one. She's into dirt, just like Lana!
Or not.
Ow! I hate these drought-resistant lawns.
- I sure hope it's not this house,
because we'd be going to different schools.
Just thinking about that makes my feet sweat.
[car horn honks]
- I wouldn't worry about it, Clyde.
With the luck we're having--
Gah! The white hair!
And look at her hair!
It looks just like Lori's!
- What does everyone want for dinner?
- Spicy subs! Spicy subs!
- Hair like Lori's, plays guitar like Luna,
eats like Lynn--
that girl is a Loud!
- We don't know that!
[sighs]
- Let's face it, Clyde.
Those white-haired people are my real parents.
I'm gonna have to move here
and start my life all over.
- You can't! How are we gonna stay best friends?
Do walkie-talkies even reach this far?
Will your new parents even let me sleep over?
[panting]
- Don't worry, we'll work it out.
But first, I have some choice words for my so-called parents.
[dramatic music]
[cracks neck]
- Can we help you, son?
- Son--that's an interesting choice of words.
- Yeah!
- Is there something wrong,boys?
- Yes. I know my real birth story.
- You do?!
- Yep. You really had another girl,
but you didn't want another girl, did you?
You wanted a boyyyy!
So what did you do?
You paid off the hospital to look the other way,
then you made the ol' switcheroo with some poor,
unsuspecting family across town!
What do you have to say for yourselves?!
- Yeah! For shame!
[laughter]
- Oh, I'm glad you find ruining my life funny.
[chortling]
- We're sorry, honey. We don't mean to laugh.
It's just that you're way off base.
- Oh, Lincoln, of course you're our son.
Why don't you sit down? It's time you know
the real story of your birth.
Okay, you too, Clyde.
- Well, the day you were born
got off to a pretty normal start.
My water broke, we called Pop Pop,
he came over to watch your older sisters...
- I drove your mother to the hospital in Vanzilla,
but not surprisingly, she broke down.
Uh, the van, not your mother.
And that's when things stopped being normal...
- We were afraid you were going to be born
on the side of the road,
but thankfully, a black limo pulled up.
- Could have knocked me over with a feather--
it was the President and the First Lady!
When I told them what was going on,
they offered to give us a ride to the hospital.
- Everything was looking fine again,
but you weren't a very patient baby.
We weren't going to make it to the hospital.
You were going to be delivered by the President...
Until he passed out.
Then the First Lady took over.
- What an amazing woman.
She was so cool under pressure.
- Of course, you had to hear that from me,
since you were passed out too.
- That's not how I remember it.
- Anyway, she delivered you right there in the limo.
When we saw you for the first time...
[sighs] Our hearts just melted.
- The reason we never told you was because the President--
[whispering] Because the President was heading
to his top secret safehouse in Royal Woods.
No one knows about it, and no one can.
- We had to sign an agreement saying we'd never discuss it.
- Wow! That's amazing!
But wait, some things still don't make sense.
Luan said you decorated my room for a girl.
It sure sounds like you were expecting one.
- We already had five girls.
We were just using the baby stuff we had.
What about the men in black suits and sunglasses
that Luna told me about?
- They were secret service.
- Lori said there was a scientist
in gloves and a mask--
- That was the First Lady.
She got that stuff from the first aid kit in the car.
- Okay, but what about what Leni said?
That I was carried by an eagle?
- Mm, you were wrapped in a blanket
with the presidential seal on it.
- In fact...
- Holy cow! I can't believe it!
I was delivered by the first lady!
- I believe she's referred to as "FLOTUS."
Lincoln, wait until you tell this story to our class!
It's gonna totally blow away the story
about Liam's water birth!
- Sorry, sweetie, but you can't tell your class.
Remember, it's top secret. - Oh, right.
- Sorry about that, son.
- It's okay, Dad. I'm just glad you can still call me that.
- Aww. - Bring it in, kiddo.
- [crying]
It's just too beautiful.
- Uh, Clyde, that's a piece of American history.
- It's great we know the truth, Lincoln.
But we still haven't solved the mystery of your white hair.
- True. Wait a minute!
I think I have the answer.
- Of course!
"Ron the Radioactive Boy"!
His hair turned white after that gamma ray explosion!
- But he also got all those weird mutant abilities.
Both: Field test!
- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪
♪ May sound bad but ain't the case ♪
♪ In the Loud house - ♪ Loud house
- ♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪
♪ That's the way we show our love in the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house
♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪
♪ Hand-me-downs that make me cry ♪
♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪
♪ Never any privacy
♪ Chaos with 11 kids
♪ That's the way it always is ♪
♪ In the Loud house