1 00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:08,976 One of the fascinating things about Nin, is that she's the first, 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:13,809 she's the great forerunner of women's confessional sex writing. 3 00:00:13,833 --> 00:00:16,900 You know at that period, there wasn't a western woman writing about sex. 4 00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:23,267 She got up and brought a long mirror, and stood it against the chair. 5 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,533 The sight was enchanting. 6 00:00:28,167 --> 00:00:32,943 She was a woman of tomorrow. She wrote about being a woman, what an orgasm was like, 7 00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:37,267 what sex was like. And she tried to find the words to describe what it felt like. 8 00:00:39,267 --> 00:00:45,009 She thought it was like the gum plant leaf with its secret milk, that the pressure of the finger 9 00:00:45,033 --> 00:00:46,533 could bring out. 10 00:00:47,267 --> 00:00:51,343 I think Anais Nin's erotica is really unique. You read her describing 11 00:00:51,367 --> 00:00:55,767 women's bodies as though they're flesh and fruit, there's a real poetry to her. 12 00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:02,909 I will not rest until I have told of my descent, into a sensuality, 13 00:01:02,933 --> 00:01:06,700 which was dark, magnificent, wild. 14 00:01:20,433 --> 00:01:25,276 Anais Nin's diaries described all of her fascinating sexual adventures and they were 15 00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:29,943 the very explicit material, that she mined for the short stories, the novels, 16 00:01:29,967 --> 00:01:31,133 the erotica. 17 00:01:31,733 --> 00:01:33,900 She began to write them, as a very young girl. 18 00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:36,700 Anais Nin's diaries were her lifeline. 19 00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:40,676 I think they were her secret friend, I think the way she describes 20 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,733 them as a labyrinth, is really telling. 21 00:01:45,867 --> 00:01:50,067 She was born in France in 1903, but the family later moved to New York when she was 11. 22 00:01:51,267 --> 00:01:55,076 Her father was Cuban, and a womanizer, he was a liar. 23 00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:59,876 And she's this intense child, who's been unwell, who doesn't seem to have anyone 24 00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:03,843 around who's like her. She has these unhappy, battling parents, 25 00:02:03,867 --> 00:02:05,100 she's caught in the middle. 26 00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:09,400 And then the father abandons them, and she's devastated. 27 00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:12,933 But that was when she began to write. 28 00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:20,743 And so Nin starts to write the journal as almost a kind of set of letters, 29 00:02:20,767 --> 00:02:22,667 or postcards to her father. 30 00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:27,209 Entreating him, to come and join the rest of the family, 31 00:02:27,233 --> 00:02:28,233 in New York. 32 00:02:29,967 --> 00:02:34,776 But then she goes on writing the diaries almost every day, for the rest of her life. 33 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:38,767 And they set her off, on this incredible journey to become a great writer. 34 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:52,076 - Miss Nin. - What a pleasure to meet you, please. 35 00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:55,300 You're a real role model, for women writers Miss. Nin. 36 00:02:56,433 --> 00:02:59,833 Well, for all women. And now the diaries. 37 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:05,176 I appreciate that they're censored to protect people, but Miss. Nin, 38 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,733 I'd like to know the truth about your life. 39 00:03:07,867 --> 00:03:09,833 And I have agreed to tell you the whole story. 40 00:03:15,933 --> 00:03:19,600 I thought my life would really begin with my marriage to Hugo Guiler. 41 00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:24,033 There were problems at first, the family were against it. 42 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:34,676 I was a skinny little immigrant girl, a superstitious catholic and he was, 43 00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:37,367 from a wealthy, protestant, banking family. 44 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:40,167 But we defied it. 45 00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:44,833 And he was sent to work in a Paris branch of the bank, 46 00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:47,400 so we moved over there. 47 00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:59,267 Louveciennes resembles the village where Madame Bovary lived and died. 48 00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:02,967 It is old, untouched, and unchanged, by modern life. 49 00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:07,067 On a clear night, one can see Paris. 50 00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:11,343 Behind the windows of the village houses, old women sit watching 51 00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:14,300 people pass by. The dogs bark at night. 52 00:04:15,433 --> 00:04:17,067 My house is 200 years old. 53 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:24,700 Every day he goes to the bank, I write in my diary. 54 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:30,133 I am young, I am full of hope, and dreams. 55 00:04:31,433 --> 00:04:35,467 But I am innocent, in particular, I am sexually innocent. 56 00:04:39,867 --> 00:04:44,976 On my wedding night, Hugo was exalted and romantic, he added wonderful words 57 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:45,833 of worship. 58 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,600 But he was inexperienced. 59 00:04:54,767 --> 00:04:58,567 He worked his body against mine, until he came, all over my nightgown. 60 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,400 I was so amazed at the wetness. 61 00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,333 I felt sad, vague. 62 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,800 I thought that he did not love me. 63 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:26,043 He liked to get me to lie on the bed with my clothes on, and to raise my legs 64 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:26,900 so that he could look. 65 00:05:29,733 --> 00:05:33,133 That was all he wanted, to look up between my legs. 66 00:05:36,767 --> 00:05:41,276 It was I who incited him one night to push in, until he broke through 67 00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:44,100 the virginity, and the blood came, and it was done. 68 00:05:49,133 --> 00:05:53,767 Hugo made no crisis before, he didn't notice that I had no time to grow moist. 69 00:05:55,267 --> 00:05:57,967 He had to spread Vaseline between my legs to penetrate me. 70 00:05:59,267 --> 00:06:03,667 At such times I hated him, I lay like one who had been murdered. 71 00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:11,067 She wanted to be a good wife and, 72 00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:16,533 couldn't understand initially, this kind of, very deep, 73 00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:22,843 rooted sense of dissatisfaction. It wasn't just sexual dissatisfaction, 74 00:06:22,867 --> 00:06:26,243 I think it was much more diffuse than that, she was just dissatisfied 75 00:06:26,267 --> 00:06:27,267 with her life. 76 00:06:27,900 --> 00:06:30,633 She felt that she was, almost in prison. 77 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:35,243 You know a gilded cage, of sorts. But she was locked away, 78 00:06:35,267 --> 00:06:38,633 with her books. She really lived off of dreams, off of her imagination. 79 00:06:43,867 --> 00:06:46,643 I know that there is more to life, than sitting at home 80 00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:50,333 polishing the furniture. I know ordinary life does not interest me. 81 00:06:51,767 --> 00:06:55,833 I seek only the high moments, I am in accordance with the Surrealists. 82 00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:01,033 Searching for the marvelous. But the marvelous does not happen. 83 00:07:02,733 --> 00:07:06,867 I mend shops, prune trees, polish furniture, I am not living. 84 00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:11,700 But I am not like Madame Bovary, going to take poison. 85 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:15,667 Instead, I am going to Paris. 86 00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:24,343 I think if any of us, had a chance in a time machine, to go to Paris, 87 00:07:24,367 --> 00:07:27,076 in the 20's and 30's, we would take it. 88 00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:30,800 It was the center of the globe, the artistic globe, at that time. 89 00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:38,143 And for Nin, it was just a train ride away. So, with Hugo away all day, 90 00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:42,176 she'd just go and wander the streets of this bohemian paradise, 91 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,200 of pre-war Paris. 92 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:52,343 Paris must have been extraordinarily exciting in the 1920's and 30's, 93 00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:56,967 a time of incredible social mixing, glamor, creativity. 94 00:08:02,433 --> 00:08:07,376 And then she began to take these dancing lessons in Paris, which began as an escape 95 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,333 from boredom, but turned into something much more thrilling. 96 00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,833 Later my Spanish dancing teacher fell in love with me. 97 00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:19,633 He had the power to make me dance. 98 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,533 Below the dancing studio, there were little dressing rooms. 99 00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:39,333 And as I stood against the dresses and shawls, he lifted my skirt, 100 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:43,000 and kissed my sex, until I grew dizzy. 101 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:45,767 [MOANS] 102 00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:58,909 I take pleasure in my transformations. Few know many women 103 00:08:58,933 --> 00:09:00,300 there are in me. 104 00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:04,867 When ordinary life shackles me, I escape one way, or another. 105 00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:07,500 No more walls. 106 00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:13,909 Nin did experience herself, as an amazing person, 107 00:09:13,933 --> 00:09:17,900 trapped in a very bourgeois, and bland, and stale existence. 108 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,233 But she began to realize the possibility for another kind of life. 109 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:29,100 And Hugo sensed, that she was changing. 110 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,767 Hugo accompanies me to all the salons. 111 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,567 He buys me everything that I want, but I am not happy. 112 00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:44,800 Imprisoned I feel I am a day-tripper from the village. 113 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,400 I press my nose, to the window of life. 114 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,400 I feel I am becoming two women. 115 00:09:56,433 --> 00:10:00,467 One who is kind, loyal, pure of thought. But then there is another. 116 00:10:02,067 --> 00:10:07,976 She is restless and impure, acting strangely, lucid, wandering, seeking life 117 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:12,400 and wanting to taste all of it. Without fear, restraint, principle, a demon. 118 00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:17,000 - I just wonder how far she will go? - You would never do wrong. 119 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:21,433 - You would never jeopardize our relationship. - I want experience. 120 00:10:23,267 --> 00:10:24,067 [MOANING] 121 00:10:27,233 --> 00:10:33,143 Hugo is clearly one of those men who finds his wife so erotic, such a kind of incredible 122 00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:37,067 sexual geisha; that eventually his desire, is more stimulated, 123 00:10:38,267 --> 00:10:41,833 by seeing her being this goddess for other men. 124 00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:47,276 But he never actually agrees to her having affairs. 125 00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:51,309 He just doesn't want to know the truth, and so she lies to him. 126 00:10:51,333 --> 00:10:53,700 They find this way, of making their marriage work. 127 00:11:08,867 --> 00:11:10,933 Dreams, are necessary to life. 128 00:11:12,833 --> 00:11:15,933 The earth is every day opaque, without dreams. 129 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,433 I have days of illuminations, and fevers. 130 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:28,400 I want to be a writer, who reminds others that these moments exist. 131 00:11:30,933 --> 00:11:34,976 Throw your dreams into space, like a kite, and you do not know what 132 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:39,600 it will bring back. A new life, a new friend, a new love? 133 00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:48,043 She needed a life to write about and she needed someone bold, confident, and who could 134 00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:49,300 help her become a writer. 135 00:11:50,933 --> 00:11:55,309 And then Henry Miller arrives, and he's all those things, and he's not necessarily 136 00:11:55,333 --> 00:11:58,800 the world's most attractive man, but he's charismatic, and he needs her. 137 00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:04,943 The first time I read something of Henry, it was like a bomb 138 00:12:04,967 --> 00:12:08,000 in me exploding. I knew straight away, that he was a great artist. 139 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,567 I wanted to meet him, and our lawyer knew him, so I invited him to a meal. 140 00:12:17,933 --> 00:12:21,909 He is a man who life intoxicates, who is floating 141 00:12:21,933 --> 00:12:23,567 on self-created euphoria. 142 00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:27,267 He is immersed in writing his book, 143 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,933 sleeps anywhere, a railroad station waiting room, a park; 144 00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:38,133 he lives from day to day, buying, begging, sponging, 145 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,633 he is almost a hobo. 146 00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:47,143 The relationship between Anais and Henry Miller is really interesting, 147 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:52,676 they clearly had quite a riotous, rivaled friendship, where they 148 00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:57,343 challenged each other. And he was much older than her, but he hadn't been 149 00:12:57,367 --> 00:13:00,309 published yet, and he was living this down and out life, 150 00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:02,433 writing his first novel, Tropic of Cancer. 151 00:13:06,333 --> 00:13:08,633 Anais gets restless here during the day, on her own. 152 00:13:09,833 --> 00:13:12,767 I'm always restless. Things just keep carrying me away. 153 00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:18,000 I feel like as though, my hair is being pulled into the stars again. 154 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:23,033 The moment I am deeply rooted, I have to utmost desire to uproot myself. 155 00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:29,533 I close my eyes for an instant, to see him by some other inner eye. 156 00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:37,733 - You don't want a real bird? - No, I prefer antique ages. 157 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:43,267 I'm waiting to find a unique, strange bird. 158 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:46,933 One that I've seen in my dreams. 159 00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:50,100 But as yet, I have not found it. 160 00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:58,867 He has no typewriter, I give him mine. 161 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:07,100 He gives me a world of writing, parts of his book, as he writes it. 162 00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:11,533 Notes on the backs of menus in small restaurants, and Chevy quarters. 163 00:14:12,933 --> 00:14:14,233 A torrent of realism. 164 00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:21,500 I too love everything that flows, rivers, sewers, 165 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,667 lava, semen, 166 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,667 words, sentences. 167 00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:35,800 I love the words of hysterics. And the sentences that flow on, like dysentery, 168 00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:40,100 and mirror all the sick images of the soul. 169 00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:45,300 His writing is treacherous, and dangerous. 170 00:14:48,033 --> 00:14:51,376 At sixteen, I wrote in my diary, that I had dreamed 171 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,133 of putting myself, under the protection and nobility of a great writer. 172 00:14:55,967 --> 00:14:57,067 Henry was such a man. 173 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,333 Hugo is worried he will lose me to Henry, I tell him he won't. 174 00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:08,733 I'm devoted to Henry's work only. I separate my body from my mind. 175 00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:15,243 To begin with, they weren't sleeping together, but they did have this strong 176 00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:16,800 creative relationship. 177 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:22,976 She saw that Henry Miller was dedicated to being a writer, so he had discipline, 178 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,100 he had rigor. 179 00:15:26,433 --> 00:15:30,800 Henry read my work, he tells me I write like a man, with tremendous clearness. 180 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:37,167 His imagination is relentless, and fertile, a demon loose in the world. 181 00:15:38,833 --> 00:15:41,376 You have your version of the world, as somewhat monstrous, 182 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,067 and I have mine. 183 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:49,743 But I'll fight you Henry Miller, I'll fight your realism, with all the magical forces 184 00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:50,600 of poetry. 185 00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:58,833 Art is art, the paradise, the only paradise. 186 00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:05,967 Paradise is a place with white feather palm trees, with formulas, 187 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:12,043 with glass fishes, silk lined balls, invisible music, 188 00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:15,533 dishes shaped like stars, costumes of cellophane, 189 00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:19,033 paradise was artifice. 190 00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:24,333 Would you mind, telling me about, 191 00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:30,367 - June, Henry's extraordinary wife? - I didn't know Henry well. 192 00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:37,433 I admired his mind, his work enormously, but well, 193 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,767 that paled into insignificance, when I met June. 194 00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:54,633 I saw for the first time, the most beautiful woman on earth. 195 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,800 Her beauty drowned me. 196 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:05,100 A startling white face, burning eyes, my first sight of her, 197 00:17:06,433 --> 00:17:08,967 I felt that I would do anything mad for her. 198 00:17:11,767 --> 00:17:15,700 Henry feared, she was color, brilliance, strangeness. 199 00:17:20,333 --> 00:17:22,633 Over dinner, she and Henry told all their secrets, 200 00:17:24,233 --> 00:17:25,533 their sex, their fighting. 201 00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:33,400 You see we're at war with each other, Henry and I. 202 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:43,876 Oh, and one time, we hired a room where, 203 00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:47,400 I could be a prostitute, with a client, and he could watch. 204 00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:52,643 - Remember Henry? - [LAUGHING] 205 00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:56,167 - He watched me with women. - [LAUGHS] Don't all men like that? 206 00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:58,500 I guess not. 207 00:18:00,267 --> 00:18:04,743 By the end of the night, I was like a man, terribly in love with her face, 208 00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:06,867 and body, which promised so much. 209 00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:11,800 I think June had, a huge influence on Nin. 210 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:16,367 Her shamelessness you know, she speaks really coarsely, 211 00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:22,343 and she's a complete fantasist, she lies all the time. One time she's telling Nin, 212 00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:25,776 that she was raised in the circus. And then you never knew 213 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,233 when she was going to arrive, and you never knew when she was going to leave. 214 00:18:32,033 --> 00:18:34,167 June and I live life, as theater. 215 00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:40,067 We love costumes and changes of self's, and wearing masks, and disguises. 216 00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:46,767 But I always know what is real, thanks June. 217 00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:50,600 Come here! 218 00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:02,976 She has the body of the women, who climbed every night upon the stage of music halls, 219 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,267 and gradually undressed. 220 00:19:10,967 --> 00:19:11,800 Beautiful. 221 00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:17,033 Oh I want to dance for you Anais. 222 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,500 I am fascinated by her eyes, and mouth. 223 00:19:21,667 --> 00:19:23,867 Her discolored mouth, badly bruised. 224 00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:29,200 I do not make out her words, I see ashes under the skin of her face. 225 00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:33,867 Disintegration, she is dying before my eyes. 226 00:19:38,833 --> 00:19:43,433 Truth comes from confessions, in the darkness of the bedroom, or from, 227 00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:48,200 violent tearing of masks. 228 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:54,733 I want to kiss her fantastic beauty and say, "I dreamed you, 229 00:19:56,033 --> 00:19:57,667 I wished for your existence". 230 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:05,409 A few days later we went to the theater, outside smoking in the interval, 231 00:20:05,433 --> 00:20:09,043 I tell her, "you are the only woman whoever answered 232 00:20:09,067 --> 00:20:11,143 the demands in my imagination". 233 00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:14,333 She answers, "it's a good thing for me, I'm going away". 234 00:20:15,333 --> 00:20:19,276 What, what, what, what, what, what? She had to go back to New York, 235 00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:24,776 for a while. June would soon unmask me. I am powerless, 236 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:25,667 before a woman. 237 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,000 I want to kiss you. 238 00:20:46,733 --> 00:20:51,043 After June, filled with June, I could not bare Hugo reading 239 00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:54,400 the newspaper, and talking about trust funds, and a successful day. 240 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:03,000 He was immensely lovable, and warm, but I could not come back. 241 00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:15,800 The love between women, is a refuge, an escape into harmony. 242 00:21:17,333 --> 00:21:19,443 In the love between a man and a woman, there is 243 00:21:19,467 --> 00:21:20,867 resistance, conflict. 244 00:21:22,233 --> 00:21:25,700 I am trapped between the beauty of June, and the genius of Henry. 245 00:21:28,067 --> 00:21:30,233 Every encounter of June Miller, that we have is this, 246 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,600 very exciting, charismatic, 247 00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:40,567 androgynous, kind of stalky, earthy figure, who was very very attractive. 248 00:21:43,233 --> 00:21:48,676 So there was this tantalizing flirtation, and kissing but not evidence 249 00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:52,833 of a full sexual relationship. Just this powerful attraction, on Nin's side. 250 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,600 When June left, she went back to New York. 251 00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:04,009 I waited sometimes where we used to meet, expecting to feel again 252 00:22:04,033 --> 00:22:07,300 the joy of seeing her walk towards me, out of a crowd. 253 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:18,367 I went for a massage, the masseuse was small and pretty. 254 00:22:20,433 --> 00:22:23,800 I saw her breasts when she leaned over me, small but full. 255 00:22:27,267 --> 00:22:29,000 I was stirred, madly. 256 00:22:31,233 --> 00:22:33,567 Aware of the frustration of my desire. 257 00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:41,500 I knew that June did not reach the same sexual center in me that a man reaches. 258 00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:44,767 So what then had she moved in me? 259 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:49,400 But there is no life in the love between women. 260 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:54,200 The animal strength which satisfies women, lies in brutal men. 261 00:22:55,967 --> 00:22:57,633 In the realists, like Henry. 262 00:23:00,033 --> 00:23:03,167 A letter from Henry, I received one every day. 263 00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:09,167 Deep down, I'm afraid of this man. His sensual being, 264 00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:14,733 the ferocity enveloped in tenderness, his ever rich mind. 265 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,833 Writers make love to what they need. 266 00:23:22,300 --> 00:23:25,233 -Henry wrote to me, I could- -stay here all night writing. 267 00:23:27,033 --> 00:23:30,976 I see you before me constantly, with your head down, and your long lashes 268 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,000 lying on your cheek. 269 00:23:35,967 --> 00:23:39,300 It seems to me, that from the very moment when you held out your hand, 270 00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:41,400 I was yours. 271 00:23:43,233 --> 00:23:45,867 I met Henry in a small dark bar. 272 00:23:48,067 --> 00:23:52,167 Suddenly he leans over, and engulfs me in an endless kiss. 273 00:23:55,733 --> 00:23:57,267 I do not want the kiss to end. 274 00:24:11,933 --> 00:24:15,033 Later a small dark room, so shabby like an alcove, 275 00:24:16,167 --> 00:24:18,300 the richness of Henry's voice and mouth. 276 00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,833 The feeling of sinking into warm blood. 277 00:24:28,367 --> 00:24:31,633 And he overcome with my warmth and moisture, 278 00:24:33,033 --> 00:24:37,076 Slow penetration, with pauses and with twists, 279 00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,000 make me gasp with pleasure. 280 00:24:40,333 --> 00:24:43,167 I have no words for it, it is all new to me. 281 00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:47,567 That afternoon in Henry's room, was like a white hot furnace. 282 00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:04,567 Before I had only the white heat of the mind and the imagination, 283 00:25:05,667 --> 00:25:09,100 now it is of the blood, sacred completeness. 284 00:25:12,567 --> 00:25:16,000 I come out dazed in a mellow spring evening, and I think, 285 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,567 now I would not mind dying. 286 00:25:30,867 --> 00:25:33,333 So it was Henry Miller, who awakened you? 287 00:25:35,467 --> 00:25:39,009 Sexually. And who inspired your work, your writing, 288 00:25:39,033 --> 00:25:40,609 and you inspired his? 289 00:25:40,633 --> 00:25:42,800 It was my writer's soul, that loved Henry. 290 00:25:45,467 --> 00:25:49,533 He was doing his best writing, there was, such a splendor to it. 291 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,867 I want to feel your presence for a few hours. 292 00:25:56,667 --> 00:25:58,767 To feed you, cool you, 293 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:04,833 fill you with every breath on earth of the trees which reap the blood. 294 00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:10,767 I realized that I don't want you to come back. 295 00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:20,543 As a muse, I couldn't have asked for more, and yes as a woman, 296 00:26:20,567 --> 00:26:22,633 I was fully awake, and then fully alive. 297 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,300 I have only three desires now. 298 00:26:30,267 --> 00:26:31,800 To eat, to sleep, and to fuck. 299 00:26:34,667 --> 00:26:35,867 I want to dance. 300 00:26:37,633 --> 00:26:41,867 I want drugs. I want to bite into life, and be torn by it. 301 00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:54,133 And as soon as she begins to have fantastic sex, 302 00:26:55,533 --> 00:26:59,300 she realizes, this is what I can write about. 303 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:05,009 I mean she just breaks free, and unleashes the shackles. 304 00:27:05,033 --> 00:27:07,133 Of both her imagination, and her body. 305 00:27:19,933 --> 00:27:26,276 But, you aren't a published writer yet, you're just a woman writing 306 00:27:26,300 --> 00:27:29,367 a diary. You still had your nose pressed against the window, 307 00:27:30,533 --> 00:27:32,667 you're a banker's wife, a muse, but you're 308 00:27:33,633 --> 00:27:35,267 serving them dinner, and giving them money. 309 00:27:37,367 --> 00:27:39,300 I believe someone called you a, 310 00:27:42,533 --> 00:27:44,200 little bourgeois banker's wife? 311 00:27:45,833 --> 00:27:49,233 While I was writing the diaries, they were my material. 312 00:27:51,667 --> 00:27:54,100 And, I was learning to create art out of them. 313 00:27:55,867 --> 00:27:57,100 To describe an adventure? 314 00:28:05,967 --> 00:28:08,533 I come back to Hugo pleased, and so joyous. 315 00:28:09,633 --> 00:28:12,667 He says, "I have never been so happy with you". 316 00:28:15,267 --> 00:28:18,843 I am always concerned with Hugo, as though he were my child. 317 00:28:18,867 --> 00:28:22,700 It is because I love him best, I wish he was 10 years old. 318 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:34,543 I cheat him, I deceive him, yet the world does not sink into 319 00:28:34,567 --> 00:28:35,800 sulphur colored mists. 320 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,133 I just cry and laugh. 321 00:28:47,900 --> 00:28:51,533 He desires me, my conscious dies at that moment. 322 00:28:52,933 --> 00:28:56,733 Hugo bears down on me, and I immediately obey Henry's whispered words, 323 00:28:58,533 --> 00:29:02,567 I close my legs about Hugo, and he exclaims in ecstasy, 324 00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:05,167 "you're driving me wild". 325 00:29:10,300 --> 00:29:12,667 Henry whispers to me, what my body must do. 326 00:29:13,867 --> 00:29:16,833 I obey, and new instincts rise in me. 327 00:29:18,433 --> 00:29:20,933 I am woman, a man has made me submit. 328 00:29:25,900 --> 00:29:28,509 How did you conceal this from your husband? 329 00:29:28,533 --> 00:29:31,167 Wasn't, keeping a journal a dangerous thing? 330 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,067 Well yes, and, 331 00:29:36,933 --> 00:29:39,567 there came a time, that Hugo found it. 332 00:29:44,867 --> 00:29:47,600 One day he read my diary, the red one. 333 00:29:49,900 --> 00:29:51,600 I told him that it was fiction. 334 00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:58,809 Hugo finds the diary about Henry, in which Nin is talking wildly 335 00:29:58,833 --> 00:30:02,933 about their love making, and how sensual she feels when she's with Henry. 336 00:30:05,433 --> 00:30:09,300 She becomes terrified that, the life that they have built together, 337 00:30:10,733 --> 00:30:15,909 is going to be shattered. And so she tells Hugo, that this diary, 338 00:30:15,933 --> 00:30:19,333 the diary that he has read, is a diary of her fantasy life. 339 00:30:20,900 --> 00:30:24,733 And that there is a second diary, which is the real, diary. 340 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,276 I ran quickly, bought a green journal, 341 00:30:33,300 --> 00:30:37,033 while he was at work, I wrote quickly and secretly, to bring it up to date. 342 00:30:39,467 --> 00:30:41,600 The imaginary account, of my sensual life. 343 00:30:45,567 --> 00:30:51,276 Does writing about this, extremely unconventional web of relationships 344 00:30:51,300 --> 00:30:55,067 also justify it? Does it absolve you of any issues of morality? 345 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,033 Well you see, it allowed me to live and, 346 00:31:02,533 --> 00:31:04,700 to watch myself live, at a distance. 347 00:31:07,067 --> 00:31:09,233 I called it, the double monde. 348 00:31:11,500 --> 00:31:14,100 It turned me into an observer, reporting. 349 00:31:14,900 --> 00:31:16,400 Did it make your betrayals bearable? 350 00:31:19,567 --> 00:31:21,733 Perhaps some things are buried in the bone. 351 00:31:23,433 --> 00:31:26,300 And then June Miller came back from New York. 352 00:31:31,733 --> 00:31:34,600 June arrived last night, I was stunned. 353 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,067 I am like a person drowning. 354 00:31:45,467 --> 00:31:48,200 And I found no pain, at the sound of her voice, 355 00:31:49,467 --> 00:31:50,533 no bliss. 356 00:31:53,633 --> 00:31:57,300 June is my adventure, and my passion, but Henry is my love. 357 00:32:00,933 --> 00:32:02,567 I cannot face them both. 358 00:32:07,033 --> 00:32:09,200 At first, June had wanted to fight me. 359 00:32:13,867 --> 00:32:16,567 At the first sight of my eyes, she trusted me again. 360 00:32:23,500 --> 00:32:27,200 On the bed with June, she began to kiss me saying, 361 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:31,333 "how little you are, I could break you in two. 362 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:39,833 We kissed each other, passionately. 363 00:32:45,300 --> 00:32:47,367 Her light moth kisses showered on me, 364 00:32:48,700 --> 00:32:51,000 she said, "you look beautiful now". 365 00:32:52,233 --> 00:32:54,700 I said, "let me see your body". 366 00:32:57,233 --> 00:33:01,167 I was aware of a standstill, June said "not yet". 367 00:33:04,267 --> 00:33:05,767 I ought to strangle you. 368 00:33:09,767 --> 00:33:12,000 She began to extract confidences from me. 369 00:33:13,433 --> 00:33:18,409 I was wary, I depicted the quality of my love for Henry, 370 00:33:18,433 --> 00:33:21,033 while deforming completely the facts about him. 371 00:33:24,467 --> 00:33:27,167 What a superb game, the three of us were playing. 372 00:33:28,300 --> 00:33:32,743 Who is the demon? Who the liar? Who loves the most? 373 00:33:32,767 --> 00:33:34,100 What has he done for me? 374 00:33:39,500 --> 00:33:43,743 They had both betrayed her, so Anais Nin herself, 375 00:33:43,767 --> 00:33:47,343 had a sort of sexual involvement with June. 376 00:33:47,367 --> 00:33:52,809 But it was very twisted. And it resulted in the end of Henry and June's marriage. 377 00:33:52,833 --> 00:33:56,976 So Anais now got Henry all to herself, and they could just be 378 00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:58,233 writers together. 379 00:34:00,667 --> 00:34:05,133 June told Henry "I know everything, that you love Anais, and Anais loves you". 380 00:34:08,367 --> 00:34:11,833 June left and, and Henry rushed over to me. 381 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,000 And we plunged into work. 382 00:34:16,867 --> 00:34:20,767 There is in our relationship, both humanists, and monstrosity. 383 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:26,233 Our love is humane, I sense when he is cold, I get him blankets. 384 00:34:28,267 --> 00:34:30,100 But our work, is monstrous. 385 00:34:31,467 --> 00:34:35,100 When we write we heighten, exaggerate, color, 386 00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:40,976 There are satanic joys, known to writers only. 387 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,333 June is a story teller. 388 00:34:43,733 --> 00:34:45,333 Dragged in our romances. 389 00:34:46,700 --> 00:34:50,033 I, begin to notice discrepancies in her stories. 390 00:34:51,767 --> 00:34:54,200 Childish lies, she lives without magic. 391 00:34:56,900 --> 00:35:00,667 He is rewriting his novel, Tropic of Cancer, immersed in the past. 392 00:35:02,333 --> 00:35:04,867 I gave him my ideas on June, and he uses them. 393 00:35:07,067 --> 00:35:12,276 When June leaves with great dignity, it's as though Anais and Henry 394 00:35:12,300 --> 00:35:15,467 say to themselves, "alright well, let's really destroy her. 395 00:35:16,467 --> 00:35:19,567 Let's take who this person was as a human being, and write her as a character". 396 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:25,776 And so I feel like Anais Nin, and Henry Miller got famous, off the back of writing 397 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:27,267 about June Miller. 398 00:35:28,033 --> 00:35:31,576 And it says something about how cruel writers can somehow be, 399 00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,667 I think they both did her over. 400 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:49,376 I think that she considered herself to be a diarist, and had fantasies 401 00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:53,033 of being a published author. But I don't think it was until she met Miller, 402 00:35:54,367 --> 00:35:58,367 That she really began to realize that as a possibility, for herself. 403 00:36:00,533 --> 00:36:04,843 What she wants to do, is put sex into writing. 404 00:36:04,867 --> 00:36:09,676 She can't stop writing, she can't stop having sex, she can't stop gathering 405 00:36:09,700 --> 00:36:15,309 experiences to herself. She needed the writing to make sense of the experience. 406 00:36:15,333 --> 00:36:18,900 But also, she was having the experience, to do the writing. 407 00:36:21,567 --> 00:36:26,543 A woman artist, has to feel creation and life in our own way, 408 00:36:26,567 --> 00:36:30,200 or in our own womb. She has to create something different from a man. 409 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,409 To create within the mystery storms, and terrors of sex, 410 00:36:34,433 --> 00:36:37,833 women must not fabricate, she has to descend into a real womb and, 411 00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:43,876 and expose its secrets, and labyrinths. She's the mermaid with her 412 00:36:43,900 --> 00:36:46,233 fish tail dipped into the unconscious. 413 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,667 So this way of life simply, carried on? 414 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:06,900 Yes when, 415 00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:12,433 when Hugo went away on business, Henry would come and live with me in the house. 416 00:37:15,033 --> 00:37:18,776 Did you feel much guilt? I know you had therapy throughout this time. 417 00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:20,867 Well yes, I had therapy for many years. 418 00:37:22,433 --> 00:37:27,309 This here gave me absolution, and helped me to see, 419 00:37:27,333 --> 00:37:28,967 I should feel no Catholic guilt. 420 00:37:30,533 --> 00:37:32,167 It was a great influence on my writing. 421 00:37:33,633 --> 00:37:37,376 Jung said "proceed from the dream outwards", and that is always how 422 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:38,300 I've tried to write. 423 00:37:41,967 --> 00:37:44,400 I say this is a wild dream. 424 00:37:46,500 --> 00:37:48,900 But it is this dream, I want to realize. 425 00:37:50,700 --> 00:37:52,733 Life and literature combined. 426 00:37:54,367 --> 00:37:55,900 Love, a diamond. 427 00:37:57,300 --> 00:38:00,600 You with your chameleon soul, giving me a thousand loves. 428 00:38:02,433 --> 00:38:06,667 Being anchored always in no matter what storm, home wherever we are. 429 00:38:08,700 --> 00:38:11,100 In the mornings, continuing where we left off. 430 00:38:12,700 --> 00:38:14,833 Resurrection after resurrection. 431 00:38:17,267 --> 00:38:21,233 When, Anais experienced that first taste, 432 00:38:22,900 --> 00:38:26,900 of sexual pleasure, and sexual fulfilment, it blew the doors wide open. 433 00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:33,543 And she, had a glimpse into what is essentially a very mysterious 434 00:38:33,567 --> 00:38:37,809 part of human life. That we still to this day, are not particularly 435 00:38:37,833 --> 00:38:39,200 comfortable in talking about. 436 00:38:41,567 --> 00:38:45,743 So she went on an odyssey, searching to throw off 437 00:38:45,767 --> 00:38:48,433 the fevers and the shackles. 438 00:38:49,500 --> 00:38:51,200 Through various men. 439 00:39:04,967 --> 00:39:09,276 So you had freed yourself from guilt, and now you could do 440 00:39:09,300 --> 00:39:10,767 as a man does, and take many lovers. 441 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,700 It was not just Henry Miller, was it? There are others too, 442 00:39:19,733 --> 00:39:22,443 Gonzalo, the South American revolutionary? 443 00:39:22,467 --> 00:39:23,667 Oh, Gonzalo. 444 00:39:24,733 --> 00:39:25,533 [FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 445 00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:31,167 Then you're my tiger of dreams. 446 00:39:33,733 --> 00:39:34,567 My tiger, 447 00:39:36,767 --> 00:39:37,600 [FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 448 00:39:40,433 --> 00:39:43,600 - What do I have to do? - He whispered, while we danced. 449 00:39:44,967 --> 00:39:47,400 You are the perfume and essence of all things. 450 00:39:48,767 --> 00:39:51,367 You have bruised your head, against the world's reality. 451 00:39:52,567 --> 00:39:56,633 You don't see the city, houses, men, you see beyond. 452 00:40:00,667 --> 00:40:03,867 But I don't want, always what is beyond. 453 00:40:07,333 --> 00:40:09,900 I want this world. 454 00:40:12,667 --> 00:40:17,133 This world but, with grandchildren, and heroism. 455 00:40:20,567 --> 00:40:24,833 I want to go to Spain with you now, I want to see war. 456 00:40:26,333 --> 00:40:30,776 When she met Gonzalo, interestingly he was, 457 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:33,167 in a sense, the traditional Spanish man. 458 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:39,409 And he brought out, the passive, feminine, 459 00:40:39,433 --> 00:40:42,100 woman in her. And she thoroughly enjoyed it. 460 00:40:43,300 --> 00:40:49,176 And I think she was also attracted to what, initially seemed to be his, 461 00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:54,776 radical politics, and his fieriness, and his kind of seriousness, 462 00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:58,909 and his passion. Which was a counter point, both to Henry and to Hugo, 463 00:40:58,933 --> 00:41:01,033 I would say. In terms of temperament. 464 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:07,267 Here is Gonzalo, ardently breathing out the fire of revolution. 465 00:41:08,867 --> 00:41:11,267 He wants to kiss me wildly, and talk vehemently. 466 00:41:12,667 --> 00:41:16,100 With Gonzalo I entered that dream of communism, its essence. 467 00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:20,700 The white ghost of communism, as it must have been in Russia. 468 00:41:23,367 --> 00:41:27,409 Little idiot Anais, you're given a spider web, 469 00:41:27,433 --> 00:41:29,967 and you want to make a sail out of it, and sail a boat. 470 00:41:30,967 --> 00:41:35,400 Oh I want a boat, I want to get outside of the world with Gonzalo. 471 00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:40,767 He is a pirate, an anarchist, lover, and warrior. 472 00:41:42,533 --> 00:41:46,067 Anais Donclay, at dawn he must put on his armor. 473 00:41:47,433 --> 00:41:49,067 He will leave you for a crusade. 474 00:41:50,333 --> 00:41:52,167 So what did Gonzalo feel in you? 475 00:41:54,433 --> 00:41:56,067 The writing, the diaries. 476 00:41:57,667 --> 00:42:01,776 I was surrendering to great passion, and reporting back 477 00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:04,067 through the diaries, the experience of a woman. 478 00:42:06,867 --> 00:42:10,933 Revolution is another orgasm, sainthood is another orgasm. 479 00:42:12,500 --> 00:42:17,009 They are made of wafers, on the lip, of blood and wounds, 480 00:42:17,033 --> 00:42:21,876 experiencing while blabbering odd or dead words, in epilepsy, 481 00:42:21,900 --> 00:42:26,200 or insanity. All pulsations leading to explosion. 482 00:42:27,733 --> 00:42:32,133 Gongs of pleasure, sound in church bells, or death mills. 483 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:38,867 I wanted a houseboat on the sand, to look Gonzalo and to write. 484 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,833 I wrote on the title page, Les mots flottants, the floating words. 485 00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:47,400 I had to find a houseboat for them. 486 00:42:48,967 --> 00:42:50,800 Was Henry jealous, of Gonzalo? 487 00:42:51,733 --> 00:42:54,600 Yes, and they both fought desperately for my attention. 488 00:42:55,867 --> 00:42:59,343 There was a Saturday night, when Henry insisted that I was with him, 489 00:42:59,367 --> 00:43:01,400 so Gonzalo insisted on the same night. 490 00:43:02,767 --> 00:43:05,943 That evening, I put a sleep drug in Henry's tea, 491 00:43:05,967 --> 00:43:07,400 and by 10 o'clock, he was asleep. 492 00:43:08,633 --> 00:43:11,233 I dressed, and crept to Gonzalo. 493 00:43:12,900 --> 00:43:16,409 And he was so frightened, by what Henry would do, if he woke, 494 00:43:16,433 --> 00:43:17,467 that he couldn't perform. 495 00:43:19,433 --> 00:43:22,033 At 5:30 am, I rushed back to Henry. 496 00:43:23,067 --> 00:43:25,133 He hadn't woken, the luck of the bandits. 497 00:43:27,033 --> 00:43:30,000 I gave Henry everything that he wanted and, 498 00:43:31,300 --> 00:43:33,100 then went home and gave Hugo a gift. 499 00:43:34,933 --> 00:43:36,567 Was it just sex or love? 500 00:43:40,933 --> 00:43:42,533 I had at that time an, 501 00:43:44,367 --> 00:43:48,033 emotional love tapeworm, never enough. 502 00:43:51,500 --> 00:43:54,000 When you vibrate deeply, sexually, 503 00:43:55,500 --> 00:43:56,933 when you love passionately, 504 00:43:58,467 --> 00:44:02,909 then it is like a warm current, in the body, which creates a warm contact 505 00:44:02,933 --> 00:44:05,933 with all. I feel so many people. 506 00:44:07,767 --> 00:44:11,567 Physically, amorously, cause I am in a state of warmth, 507 00:44:13,367 --> 00:44:16,300 like a mystic, it is immensely overflow. 508 00:44:18,433 --> 00:44:23,700 But mainly it was Gonzalo More, Henry Miller, and my husband Hugo 509 00:44:25,433 --> 00:44:29,000 They were the three main men, during my lady time in Paris. 510 00:44:34,533 --> 00:44:37,533 It feels as if Paris, was a love affair too. 511 00:44:38,867 --> 00:44:40,467 That all this, couldn't of happened anywhere else. 512 00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:46,033 Well there was, there was such a magic about Paris. 513 00:44:47,367 --> 00:44:51,533 The smell of pate, and charcoal burners, tobacco, and cafe o'lait, 514 00:44:53,367 --> 00:44:54,233 and the people. 515 00:44:55,633 --> 00:44:58,543 We went to the madness club house, with an omelet, 516 00:44:58,567 --> 00:44:59,833 with a big pockets. 517 00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:03,676 And then to play chess at the cafe, where the old actors 518 00:45:03,700 --> 00:45:07,509 meet for a game, to the tunes of those tired classical musicians 519 00:45:07,533 --> 00:45:09,367 playing quartets, and we stayed until dawn. 520 00:45:10,633 --> 00:45:16,243 As the tired prostitutes wore down, and the music inside of me. 521 00:45:16,267 --> 00:45:19,533 I feel the mad hope of jazz, it ended in my blood. 522 00:45:31,667 --> 00:45:32,933 [RADIO BROADCAST] 523 00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:36,243 England is determined that the violence must cease. 524 00:45:36,267 --> 00:45:39,476 Premier Deladier told the foreign affairs commission, to the chamber of deputies 525 00:45:39,500 --> 00:45:42,843 that France does not wish to live any longer, in the state of insecurity, 526 00:45:42,867 --> 00:45:44,467 prevailing in the last few years. And both Allies, 527 00:45:45,533 --> 00:45:47,967 have said that they cannot trust the word of the present German government. 528 00:45:48,933 --> 00:45:52,176 The bombs aren't literally falling around her, but they might as well be, 529 00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:53,233 at that point. 530 00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:57,033 It suddenly dawns on her, that perhaps being in Europe, 531 00:45:58,967 --> 00:46:02,533 in the midst of World War II, is not the best idea. 532 00:46:06,467 --> 00:46:08,667 At the first air raids, I would not hide. 533 00:46:09,967 --> 00:46:13,300 I wanted to encounter war, and feel its burning face. 534 00:46:14,933 --> 00:46:19,333 A shell fell in my courtyard, Hugo was ordered back to the United States. 535 00:46:21,767 --> 00:46:23,767 It was time for us to leave for New York. 536 00:46:26,433 --> 00:46:29,200 The parting from Paris, the parting from a form of life, 537 00:46:30,433 --> 00:46:33,700 from mysterious nights, the menace of war, 538 00:46:34,700 --> 00:46:39,033 the sound of anti-aircraft guns, of airplanes passing, of sirens. 539 00:46:48,633 --> 00:46:50,767 When Gonzalo came to see me, I was weeping. 540 00:46:51,867 --> 00:46:53,867 I felt too wrenching from Henry. 541 00:47:27,833 --> 00:47:30,133 I carried the diaries, in a little blue cloth bag. 542 00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:40,800 The time on the train, was so long and sad. 543 00:47:41,833 --> 00:47:45,667 A glimpse of the tragic face of Spain, its hunger, its ruins. 544 00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:51,443 At the frontier, locked up in the cloth bag, lies the hidden story 545 00:47:51,467 --> 00:47:52,333 of these eight years. 546 00:47:55,733 --> 00:47:59,000 When I felt so uprooted, torn, split, 547 00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:04,600 I reread two volumes, and felt again, the force of my life, 548 00:48:05,833 --> 00:48:09,800 the fire of it. I warmed myself, to my one flame. 549 00:48:11,267 --> 00:48:15,433 It was, I felt small and sick, and powerless at that moment. 550 00:48:23,767 --> 00:48:27,509 I think Paris was this gorgeous bubble, I think the war was 551 00:48:27,533 --> 00:48:28,533 a real reckoning. 552 00:48:29,467 --> 00:48:31,533 And it was reality, slamming down. 553 00:48:33,733 --> 00:48:37,609 So Anais Nin goes to New York, which she describes as, 554 00:48:37,633 --> 00:48:42,609 brutal, and mechanistic, and hard, and full of concrete, and poverty, and strife. 555 00:48:42,633 --> 00:48:45,800 She describes American as robots, and she is rootless. 556 00:48:50,833 --> 00:48:53,500 New York, I feel like a ghost. 557 00:48:56,467 --> 00:49:00,533 Hugo's bank takes care of us, so I enter a palace of Byzantine luxury. 558 00:49:01,967 --> 00:49:05,967 The more comforts, warmth, luxurious beds, service, 559 00:49:07,467 --> 00:49:08,667 the lonelier I feel. 560 00:49:11,367 --> 00:49:13,300 As one can only feel in a palace. 561 00:49:19,500 --> 00:49:22,300 I landed in my diaries, but without my soul. 562 00:49:28,500 --> 00:49:32,367 The machine in Europe, it is killing people, and here it is canning them. 563 00:49:34,533 --> 00:49:38,133 It would have been better for all of us to die in flame, than this kind of death. 564 00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:49,600 And then the others arrived. 565 00:49:50,967 --> 00:49:52,267 Gonzalo, and Henry, 566 00:49:54,600 --> 00:49:56,467 I paid their fares, their rents. 567 00:49:57,633 --> 00:50:02,909 I was overstretched financially, but I felt responsible for them all. 568 00:50:02,933 --> 00:50:04,667 But you managed, you supported them all. 569 00:50:05,900 --> 00:50:10,576 With a little bit of help, you see Henry was offered 100 dollars a month, 570 00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:12,967 to write erotic stories about a wealthy client. 571 00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:18,000 At first he wrote all these wild stories but, 572 00:50:19,700 --> 00:50:22,976 but then he got annoyed, because of course he wanted to do his proper writing, so 573 00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,167 so he suggested that I give it a go. 574 00:50:27,367 --> 00:50:29,867 I wrote a few stories, and sent them off and, 575 00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:32,300 and then I received a phone call. 576 00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:43,476 It's fine, but leave out the poetry, and the descriptions 577 00:50:43,500 --> 00:50:46,233 of anything but the sex. I just want the sex. 578 00:50:51,300 --> 00:50:54,176 So I began to write, a bit tongue in cheek. 579 00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:58,100 I was so outlandish and inventive, I thought it would be too much. 580 00:50:59,500 --> 00:51:01,200 I spent days studying the Karma Sutra. 581 00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:05,233 And listening to friends' most extreme adventures. 582 00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:09,600 And what does the beast do? 583 00:51:11,667 --> 00:51:14,700 I had a feeling that here was a Pandora's box which, 584 00:51:16,367 --> 00:51:18,500 contained women's sensuality. 585 00:51:19,700 --> 00:51:23,700 So different from a man's, and from which man's language, 586 00:51:25,533 --> 00:51:26,600 seemed inadequate. 587 00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:30,367 - Would you like me to read some of the stories? - Please. 588 00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:43,609 She remembered Martinez, the flick of his tongue covering the distance, 589 00:51:43,633 --> 00:51:45,267 from the pubic hair to the buttocks. 590 00:51:46,667 --> 00:51:48,933 How do I look to him, she asked herself. 591 00:51:50,633 --> 00:51:54,067 She got up and brought a long mirror, and stood it against the chair. 592 00:51:55,533 --> 00:51:58,800 Then she sat down in front of it, and slowly opened her legs. 593 00:51:59,867 --> 00:52:01,633 The sight was enchanting. 594 00:52:03,367 --> 00:52:07,609 She thought it was like the gum plant leaf, with its secret milk, 595 00:52:07,633 --> 00:52:09,433 that the pressure of the finger could bring out. 596 00:52:10,400 --> 00:52:13,867 The odorous moisture, that came like the moisture of the seashells. 597 00:52:17,267 --> 00:52:21,609 Women discovered in Anais Nin's writing, a kind of delicacy, 598 00:52:21,633 --> 00:52:25,133 and a poise and intelligence, that are really unique. 599 00:52:26,700 --> 00:52:30,509 It wasn't about how do men see women? It was about how do, 600 00:52:30,533 --> 00:52:34,343 women see women? How do, women experience the world 601 00:52:34,367 --> 00:52:36,000 and experience their sexuality? 602 00:52:36,767 --> 00:52:41,567 She described a woman being able to pleasure herself, for herself, with herself. 603 00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:48,609 And, also men were there, but it was women 604 00:52:48,633 --> 00:52:49,767 as the center of everything. 605 00:52:51,500 --> 00:52:55,333 And with her fingers, she opened the two little lips of the vulva. 606 00:52:56,833 --> 00:53:01,433 And she began stroking it, with cat like softness, back and forth. 607 00:53:03,667 --> 00:53:04,767 She writes in her sort of, 608 00:53:06,733 --> 00:53:12,009 dream state. She just slips into this far more, free fall, 609 00:53:12,033 --> 00:53:18,643 impressionistic state. Which is quite original, it's sexy, 610 00:53:18,667 --> 00:53:22,643 there are no boundaries. There's bestiality, 611 00:53:22,667 --> 00:53:27,909 there's paedophilia, there's necrophilia, there's lesbian scenes, 612 00:53:27,933 --> 00:53:32,709 there's everything. She's just running through this gimmick of fantasies. 613 00:53:32,733 --> 00:53:35,167 Some of it, presumably based on her inexperience. 614 00:53:45,867 --> 00:53:47,867 While writing the erotica, I remembered this, 615 00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:53,500 I was seven or eight years, my father always took us to the attic to be whipped. 616 00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:58,267 We all hated this, and begged to be forgiven. 617 00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:04,509 Now I ask myself, if the hand that administered the powerful spankings, 618 00:54:04,533 --> 00:54:07,033 must have awakened a region of pleasure. 619 00:54:12,933 --> 00:54:15,533 I never before was aware, of a link between them. 620 00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:19,767 Until one night I entered one of those booths, where they show erotic films. 621 00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:25,200 And I saw a scene where a woman bent another over, and began spanking her sharply. 622 00:54:30,033 --> 00:54:34,676 I felt the most amazing pleasure. I grew wet between the legs, 623 00:54:34,700 --> 00:54:37,200 and began to palpitate, almost reaching orgasm. 624 00:54:58,400 --> 00:55:01,967 I entered into a period, of erotic madness. 625 00:55:05,900 --> 00:55:07,900 Some were young, too young. 626 00:55:12,333 --> 00:55:14,133 Deliver me from obsessive love. 627 00:55:15,700 --> 00:55:17,967 People think I only crave love or worship. 628 00:55:19,567 --> 00:55:22,467 Nobody knows I am crying out for my very existence. 629 00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:26,000 I only exist in the body of my lover. 630 00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:30,467 How can I go anywhere, alone? 631 00:55:32,867 --> 00:55:35,300 I have written not to be alone. 632 00:55:40,300 --> 00:55:43,843 I see her as this, quite broken individual. 633 00:55:43,867 --> 00:55:47,676 Who had lots of pathologies, which are clearly survival mechanisms. 634 00:55:47,700 --> 00:55:49,900 She's not, she's not this abusive woman, 635 00:55:50,767 --> 00:55:53,909 who's deliberately mistreating others, she's someone who is skating 636 00:55:53,933 --> 00:55:56,943 on thin ice, psychologically. 637 00:55:56,967 --> 00:55:59,967 With huge amounts of ambition, and desire, and energy, and of course, 638 00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:04,743 you know what does a woman have to sell, if she's got nothing? 639 00:56:04,767 --> 00:56:06,467 Her sexuality, because there's nothing left. 640 00:56:07,433 --> 00:56:13,276 As she started getting into the affairs, I myself was a young woman, 641 00:56:13,300 --> 00:56:17,943 and was shocked. And I had to grapple with my own 642 00:56:17,967 --> 00:56:19,133 feelings of judgment. 643 00:56:20,300 --> 00:56:23,733 When it came to reading about her affair with her father, 644 00:56:24,967 --> 00:56:27,967 I, threw the book across the room. 645 00:56:29,467 --> 00:56:32,400 And, had to take a few deep breaths. 646 00:56:33,633 --> 00:56:36,467 I await my father with deep joy and patience. 647 00:56:37,867 --> 00:56:42,300 I recognize in him the king, the leader of the mental world I had created alone. 648 00:56:44,700 --> 00:56:49,100 I am dazzled, his hair was perfumed, his nails immaculate. 649 00:56:51,367 --> 00:56:54,767 She meets him again, when she's 33, and he's about 53. 650 00:56:55,967 --> 00:56:59,333 And he is a dashing man, who flirts with her. 651 00:57:00,533 --> 00:57:05,409 Now what a fascinating thing, for her to, 652 00:57:05,433 --> 00:57:07,500 perhaps turn the tables, on him. 653 00:57:10,467 --> 00:57:12,267 He was watching me, constantly. 654 00:57:13,633 --> 00:57:16,433 He said, "what a tragedy I meet the woman of my life, 655 00:57:17,900 --> 00:57:19,000 and it is my daughter". 656 00:57:21,300 --> 00:57:23,167 We looked at each other, as if in a dream, 657 00:57:25,567 --> 00:57:29,033 we kissed, and that kiss unleashed a wave, of desire. 658 00:57:31,600 --> 00:57:34,933 "We must avoid possession", he said, "but oh let me kiss you". 659 00:57:37,500 --> 00:57:40,433 He uncovered himself, and with a strange violence, 660 00:57:41,767 --> 00:57:46,476 I lifted my negligee, and lay over him. 661 00:57:46,500 --> 00:57:49,867 Anais he cried, "I've lost my god". 662 00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:08,833 Were you happy? 663 00:58:10,467 --> 00:58:11,300 Happy? 664 00:58:17,933 --> 00:58:20,133 I have never described before, 665 00:58:21,467 --> 00:58:25,500 the act of self-murder, which takes place after my being with someone. 666 00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:33,709 A sense of shame, for the most trivial defect. 667 00:58:33,733 --> 00:58:37,733 Lack, sleep, error, for being too passionate. 668 00:58:40,333 --> 00:58:42,800 For not being free, or being too impulsive. 669 00:58:44,900 --> 00:58:48,033 For not being myself, or being too much so. 670 00:58:51,600 --> 00:58:54,333 -That is, very touching, it sounds so… Desperate. 671 00:58:56,267 --> 00:58:57,100 It was. 672 00:59:00,967 --> 00:59:05,533 I had finished with Gonzalo, and, I had finished with Henry, 673 00:59:07,400 --> 00:59:09,867 Hugo was more of a brother to me, most of the time. 674 00:59:10,833 --> 00:59:15,409 And the diaries? At this point everyone, knew about them, 675 00:59:15,433 --> 00:59:17,309 but they didn't get published. 676 00:59:17,333 --> 00:59:20,933 The thing that, made me very sad was that, 677 00:59:22,500 --> 00:59:26,967 everything that I wrote, the stories, the novels, originated from the diaries. 678 00:59:29,500 --> 00:59:31,367 But I couldn't get the diaries past the censor. 679 00:59:33,300 --> 00:59:36,909 She suddenly changes from the person who only wants to have love affairs, 680 00:59:36,933 --> 00:59:41,509 and see where that takes her, to being someone that says now I want to get this work 681 00:59:41,533 --> 00:59:42,900 out and no one will take it. 682 00:59:44,567 --> 00:59:47,200 So she just buys her own press, and publishes her own work. 683 00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:52,843 Gonzalo was a trained printist, so he helps, but she types it, 684 00:59:52,867 --> 00:59:54,967 and hand cranks all the work herself. 685 00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:03,233 Work has degraded me, I have no time for obsessions. I began typesetting. 686 01:00:04,767 --> 01:00:08,809 I go to work regularly at the press, morning and afternoon. 687 01:00:08,833 --> 01:00:13,476 Setting by me, printing by Gonzalo. We work with fervor, 688 01:00:13,500 --> 01:00:14,300 and intensity. 689 01:00:16,067 --> 01:00:20,533 June, 1942, the book was finished at 11:45 at night. 690 01:00:27,533 --> 01:00:30,967 My brother once described me as a still hummingbird, determined to be famous. 691 01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:34,900 And I was determined, 20 years of work behind me. 692 01:00:37,433 --> 01:00:42,476 I wrote to colleges, asking for invitations to speak, and I sent them copies 693 01:00:42,500 --> 01:00:44,133 of my books, and photographs, and, 694 01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:49,267 and slowly, very slowly I began to get a following for my fiction. 695 01:00:52,267 --> 01:00:56,276 And by the end of the 1940's, she had quite a few things published. 696 01:00:56,300 --> 01:01:00,843 Short stories, novels like House of Incest, and Winter of Artif, e 697 01:01:00,867 --> 01:01:02,633 and some volumes of the early diaries. 698 01:01:03,933 --> 01:01:08,443 And on these university tours, she was met with a lot 699 01:01:08,467 --> 01:01:12,443 of avid, young feminist students, in particular. 700 01:01:12,467 --> 01:01:16,609 Who had been very inspired by the diary, and by the sense 701 01:01:16,633 --> 01:01:20,476 that Nin had lived, what seemed impossible at the time, 702 01:01:20,500 --> 01:01:22,667 this truly liberated life, as a woman. 703 01:01:23,600 --> 01:01:27,033 And so for certain feminists, she was somewhat of an icon. 704 01:01:32,733 --> 01:01:34,667 You said you're still with your husband. 705 01:01:36,267 --> 01:01:39,843 - Do you sort of muddle along? - Not muddle along as a person. 706 01:01:39,867 --> 01:01:43,543 - Oh I'm sorry, I didn't. - F. Scott Fitzgerald said that there are no second acts, 707 01:01:43,567 --> 01:01:44,467 in American lives. 708 01:01:45,533 --> 01:01:47,200 Of course we know that he is wrong. 709 01:01:49,067 --> 01:01:50,367 He looks like Hugo, 20 years ago. 710 01:01:51,267 --> 01:01:52,733 Everybody says that. 711 01:01:54,300 --> 01:01:58,333 His name is Rupert Pole, he works for the forestry commission in California. 712 01:02:01,933 --> 01:02:04,833 I have two husbands, it's complicated. 713 01:02:07,500 --> 01:02:10,933 What's really interesting about Nin, is that from the 40's onwards, 714 01:02:11,933 --> 01:02:17,009 she has two husbands. One on the east coast, Hugo the original husband, 715 01:02:17,033 --> 01:02:21,309 one on the west coast, Rupert Pole. And she flies between 716 01:02:21,333 --> 01:02:23,876 the two husbands. Neither of them know about each other. 717 01:02:23,900 --> 01:02:26,200 In her day it was so shocking, that it could never come out, so she had to have 718 01:02:27,500 --> 01:02:30,533 two check books, two sets of prescriptions, either side 719 01:02:31,567 --> 01:02:35,733 of the Atlantic, she had to have a lie box, so she knew what she was telling 720 01:02:36,933 --> 01:02:39,976 each husband. She's behaving like a character in her book, 721 01:02:40,000 --> 01:02:44,376 so she's maintained these facades of lies. And she has these 722 01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:47,643 multiple diaries where one of them, is the real diary. 723 01:02:47,667 --> 01:02:51,609 In which she writes about what she's truly getting up to. And the other one 724 01:02:51,633 --> 01:02:55,509 is just like a prop, in a drama. What's astounding really, 725 01:02:55,533 --> 01:03:00,343 is that she was able to keep those two lives going for so long, 726 01:03:00,367 --> 01:03:03,300 we're talking around about 30 years, that she kept up, 727 01:03:04,467 --> 01:03:05,867 this traveling back and forth. 728 01:03:07,967 --> 01:03:12,476 The salacious details of her life, tend to obscure 729 01:03:12,500 --> 01:03:16,376 how good a writer she actually was. And you don't get to be 730 01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:20,809 a New York Times best seller, without being a good writer. 731 01:03:20,833 --> 01:03:25,043 People wanted to read this stuff, and people still want to read 732 01:03:25,067 --> 01:03:26,533 this stuff. 733 01:03:27,433 --> 01:03:30,643 And that's a testament, I think to the power of her writing, 734 01:03:30,667 --> 01:03:32,533 and how interesting her ideas are.