Brace, brace! I'm bracing.
LOUD CRASH
Hm.
His programme contains strong language and adult humour
No, no, no, no, no!
No!
Ahh!
What?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm Greg Davies, and this is Taskmaster,
the modern-day equivalent of the Colosseum -
but instead of swords, we use tasks,
and instead of lions, we also use tasks.
And, rather than contestants fighting each other for
a life of respect and riches,
they're trying to get a rubbish trophy.
It's nothing like the Colosseum, happy now?
How about you shut your sweet mouth?
How about you try writing 15 series' worth of intros?
Too busy going for a meal with Debbie, aren't you, huh?!
Yeah! I see you!
Please welcome our gladiators of tasking,
Frankie Boyle... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Ivo Graham... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Jenny Eclair... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Kiell Smith-Bynoe... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Mae Martin! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And, sitting next to me, a man who confided in me
that he sometimes deliberately revs his engine in traffic
because it makes him feel like he's in charge of all women.
It's... LAUGHTER
HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, Greg. Hiya.
Are you ready for another brand-new game show?
It's called Two Lies And A Truth.
SWANKY THEME PLAYS
Welcome, Greg, to Two Lies And A Truth.
I'll tell you two lies and a truth.
You've got to see if you can s-spot the truth.
I have ridden a camel. I have ridden a zebra. Yeah.
I have ridden a bicycle. Yeah.
I imagine you were the sort of kid who never learnt to ride a bike.
So, you think I've ridden a camel, but not a bike. That's right.
You've not made it through round one.
Bad start. Prize task time!
Whoo. What have we got this week?
Well, Mr Yummy Scrummy, you asked them to bring in
the object which, whenever you look at it,
makes you feel the weirdest.
Oh. I feel weirdest when I look at petrol right up close
for a really long time.
Greg will award five points for the object he agrees is most likely
to cause a feeling of weirdness.
And the winner of the show will take home five objects they probably
never want to look at again. OK, Kiell, you're up first.
What object have you brought in, why will it make me feel weird?
It's a...glove on a foot.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
How do you feel?
I feel weird.
Where did you encounter this foot in a glove?
Er, I-I created it. Oh.
Although I should say, you can buy, sort of, latex rubber gloves,
but for feet.
I normally wear them, I don't know if I am...
Yeah, there we go.
THEY EXCLAIM
Oh, my God!
I've had them on under my socks every series.
That's horrible. What do you mean it's horrible?
Because you have got horribly long toes anyway.
You could knit with those toes.
Thank you, Jenny, thank you.
Erm, where did you dream this up?
I knew it had to be a feet thing, cos feet are weird, innit?
like, what are they?
Erm, and then, like, rubber gloves and latex in general
are just quite like, ew.
The more I stare at it the weirder I feel, it's a strong opener.
OK, I'll log that. Next up.
Mae?
I've brought in a small object that I think can trigger like,
a deep existential crisis.
And that object is a mirror.
And, like...what are we?
Are we the meat, are the viewer?
"Are we the meat, are we the viewer?"
One or the other.
So, they did an experiment in 2010.
If you stare into a mirror for ten minutes,
66% of people experienced seeing huge deformations in their face.
I agree, I've looked into a mirror for up to ten minutes
when I was a child, and I found my face to be horribly deformed.
Yeah. And I think it works. However... Hm.
..if I stared at the back of that mirror,
I wouldn't feel weird at all.
The thing that makes you weird, I put it to you,
is your own reflection, not the object you've offered up.
Pfff! Interesting. I mean...
What a round!
Ivo. I've picked some magnetic detachable reading glasses.
At last! Here they are.
There's lots that's weird about it.
I'm basically thrown my uncle under the bus here,
but every time he detaches his magnetic glasses,
it creeps me out.
I think I'd, sort of, go, "Oh."
But when I stare at the glove foot, I go, "Ooh""
Kiell designed that specifically for the task.
He was so busy thinking about whether he could,
he didn't stop to think about whether he should.
The brief of the task was, "Whenever you look at it,
"it makes you feel weird."
So, having to look at it for ten minutes, that's immediately invalid,
whereas every time I see it, that it makes me feel even
a bit weird - it's winning so far, as far as I'm concerned.
Jenny. Greg, yes. What did you bring in?
I brought in a magic eye-painting book.
Yes. The original book, there it is.
And here is one of the pages from her book.
I mean, you've all seen these before, right?
It will work you, you just need to look as if
you're looking through the screen. Oh, do I need to try?
Well, you can, I mean...
Oh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
A steam train, you're right, it was a steam train.
That has made me feel weird.
All right, well, great news, Frankie, I think it's very unlikely
you're going to be last.
I've brought you medieval paintings of cats.
Five points.
For some reason, people in the Middle Ages
couldn't paint cats properly.
And it always looks really weird and disturbing.
That's from the 14th-century illustrated French manuscript
on Roman and Christian history.
I mean, I would argue that cats are already weird.
And they, sort of, know that they're weird.
I mean, that looks weird.
That's a guy who'd just been looking in a mirror for about ten years,
then suddenly looked at a cat.
Jesus Christ, are we the meat, or are we the viewer?
Do you know what I mean?
I mean, this is unbelievable
because some bloke who's brought his uncle's glasses is going to do
quite well, here.
The least-weird thing to look at on this occasion is
Mae Martin's mirror. I'm sorry.
1 point to Mae.
Yes, I can't give a magic eye painting more than a mirror,
that's the truth of it. I'm going to give them 1 point each.
Oh, bad luck.
That's fair enough.
And then, there's a big jump up, unbelievably...
..to Ivo's uncle's collapsible glasses.
It'll take 3 points, can you imagine?
Giving 3 points for bringing them in?
There was a diminishing return of weirdness from the cats,
whereas the rubber glove on the foot made me feel consistently weird -
and thus, Kiell takes 5 points.
4 points to Frankie, 5 to Kiell.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's task.
Great shout - and we begin by splitting up one of the great bands
of the modern era, and forcing them to go solo.
Hi.
Hi, Mae. Hi.
Oh, hey! Hi, Mae.
Hiya. Hi.
Ivo.
All right? Very well, thank you.
Hm. Polite young man.
How old do you think he is?
41.
Unlucky.
Hello. This is exciting. Hi, there. I'm Jenny.
Hello, I'm Joe. What have you got, you've got a trumpet? Yeah.
How marvellous. Do you have piles, as well?
"Compose a solo for this 41-year-old ma..."
I was right!
It doesn't say that.
"Compose a solo for this musician."
"The solo must be original...
"And less than 30 seconds long." That's a blessing.
"You have five minutes.
"Your time starts now."
What instrument do you play?
The keyboard. The keyboard.
I think we will have my name,
and then, the word "taskmaster."
So, what notes are in that? I-V-O.
None. No. G-A, another A,
and then, in Taskmaster, it's quite A-heavy, isn't it?
Hit that one. Right.
# Compose a solo.... #
KEYBOARDIST MATCHES TUNE
Oh! I love that.
A-A-A-A.
So, is there any, sort of, rhythm with that?
Yeah, jaunty. Jaunty.
Instead of playing it with your hands,
you play it with your feet.
Shoe off? Yeah, shoe definitely. OK.
What I'll do is I'll just sing some notes, and you just follow it, OK?
# Lee-lee-la-la-la-la!
TRUMPET MATCHES TUNE
# Lu-lu-lu! #
TRUMPET MATCHES TUNE
# Compose a solo
# Less than 30 seconds
# Compose a solo... #
# Na-na-na-na-ner-ner! #
TRUMPET MATCHES TUNE
Faster, faster.
That's it!
A bit better? THEY LAUGH
And then, I will guess how old you are.
You'll know when it's the right number.
I think I might.
Yeah, I-I love that. Good.
I don't want anything more than that.
WHISTLE BLOWS Terrific.
Can I take that task off you, Frankie?
And can I swap it for that one? Oh.
While you're here... having that, as well.
"Make something that looks like this musician's musical instrument.
"Then mime to your new solo.
"You may not use a musical instrument in the creation
"of your musical instrument.
"Best performance wins."
I've got 15 minutes, and my time, Joe, starts now.
Has it started, yeah? It's started now.
FRANKIE: Here's the high hat right there.
How long's a drum stick, mate?
Bloody hell. Yes, it's more complicated than you think.
Mine's less complicated.
LAUGHTER
Four strings, is it? Uh-huh. Yeah.
How many keys does it have? 25, I'd say.
25. Would you settle for seven?
Yours isn't quite as big as mine.
Oh, is that what we're doing?
Just...quite like accuracy. Ahem.
Unbelievable.
Pretty good.
Ah, finished? Yeah. OK.
Jenny, we...we frequently go south of the waist band with you,
I've noticed. I didn't know that trumpet players do get piles.
Oh, yes. You did what then seemed, to me, an extreme scat.
I'm so unmusical.
I don't even recognise "Happy Birthday."
It's like something I can't do.
"I don't recognise 'Happy Bir'..."
We'll just let that slide? You know when people start singing
"Happy Birthday" and expect you to join in? And I panic because...
FRANKIE: The cake must give you a clue.
LAUGHTER
I don't understand!
OK, I won't let you see any of their solos until after the break.
And if that's not enough of a tease, why...
..here's a little bit of my leg.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
Oop!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's part two, Alex. Thank God for you, Greg.
Amen.
Bef... HE LAUGHS
Before the break...
Before the break, our cast used five brilliant musicians
to create original solos, and then, found they had to mime to their solo
on an instrument they'd made to look like the real musician's instrument.
First up, with the voice of angel,
projected through a banana-based trumpet,
it's Jenny Eclair.
Er, I'd like now to play for you a solo piece called
the "Neen-Neen-Neen-Nana" song.
And give me a one, give me a two, give me a one, two, three!
TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS
Thank you very much, yeah.
Think I might have piles now.
I felt it was a powerful performance.
I think it's a beautiful instrument.
Could you convince yourself that it was Jenny making those noises?
If I gobbled dish full of recreational drugs,
I could convince myself that was Jenny Eclair playing
that instrument, and indeed, that instrument was functional.
Want another one? Yes, please.
OK, next up, with a dramatic drum solo,
it's Frankie Boyle.
Drum solo on a count of four.
A-one, a-two, a-three, four!
DRUM SOLO PLAYS
LAUGHTER
I have no real memory of doing that.
Your face said, at the end, "I think this has gone badly."
But I thought it was quite good.
Er, I'm a bit worried cos I'm just enjoying all these. Who's next?
Well, there's still time. Er... LAUGHTER
It's now time for a man who simply oozes sax appeal, Ivo Graham.
Welcome to the Taskmaster Jazz Festival.
It's Ivo Graham with "Toxic Golf Fumes (Mainly in A)".
Take it away.
SAXOPHONE SOLO PLAYS
I very much enjoyed your instrument.
I enjoyed the keys. All seven of them. Yes.
Colour. I enjoyed your performance very much. Yeah.
Let's leave the sentence there, I say.
LAUGHTER
Tick.
Who's next? All right, well, now it's time for Mae Martin
on the double bass with the toe.
I'm so excited to present my original solo, by Mae Martin.
Maestro, Mae-stro, am I right?
Er, sorry I don't want to lose points for Mae-stro.
It's too late. OK.
One, two, three, four.
BASS SOLO PLAYS
Thank you so much. thank you so much.
I sense, while we were watching that,
you were disturbed by the sight of your own toe.
It doesn't look like that.
My foot does not look like that. Does it not?
No. Very dainty. S-Sexy.
Just trust me. You know what you need, don't you?
Yeah. Pop a glove on that.
They're like fingers, they spread, too.
You see what I mean, feet? What are they? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are they? Right! One left.
Yes, it's our final solo. It's keyboard Kiell.
One, two, three, and...
# Compose a solo
# Less than 30 seconds
# Compose a solo
# Less than 30 seconds
# Compose a solo
# Less than 30 seconds long, as long,
# That's 30 seconds long...
# What's your age young man?
# 41
# 42
# 43... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Kiell. That's all right.
DISCORDANT KEYBOARD NOTES
I, sort of, felt I couldn't look away from it,
but I also found it quite unsettling.
Sexy, though, right?
So sexy. Yeah.
I'm 54, by the way.
LAUGHTER
I'll do you a song later.
Oh, Christ, that is so hard, I enjoyed all of them.
I'm going to give Kiell, Ivo,
and Jenny 5 points. Ooh!
And I'm going to give Frankie and Mae 4 points.
Oh? I've literally lost my goddamn mind.
Well, there we go, that's 5 points to Jenny, Kiell and Ivo.
Hooray!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Scoreboard time! Yes, it is.
Last week's winner is in last place.
Mae's got 5, Kiell has 10 points in the lead at the moment.
CHEERING
What's next, Alex?
Well, Greg it's the first team task of the series.
HE GASPS, AUDIENCE OOHS
Ah. Hi. Hello, Mae.
A potato? Excellent.
Thanks.
Please, can you put that down.
Yeah.
You can pick up the potato. OK.
Right. Hello! OK!
Hello, I'm so sorry, I can only bring you down.
What are you talking about? No way.
It's lovely. Oh, thank you. Why have you got a large potato?
I brought it from home. Oh, good, I wish I'd brought one.
We could've had... For luck. ..jackets in the garden.
Sometimes with a potato, you can smell when they're on the turn.
Yeah.
Look, we have another friend. Hello!
Yo. What's happening?
Hey. You all right? How are you? I'm good, you?
Would you like to hold the potato?
I'd love to. There you go. Enjoy.
Thank you.
IVO: Hello, Frankie. All right, man. I've got a potato here.
Hello, Alex. Hello, Ivo.
Sorry to interrupt you about the potato.
"Build the highest bridge over the middle of the red green..."
Red green? Red green.
Right, I'll start again.
"Build the highest bridge over the middle of the red green.
"And balance the potato on the middle of the bridge.
"The potato may not be anchored in any way.
"If anything touches the red green,
"you must put everything back where you found it...
"..Tut, and go back to the drawing board.
"You have 20 minutes.
"Your time starts now."
I can do the tutting.
JENNY: I'll just stand here and get ready to tut.
As the clever one, you start planning... No!
..and I go and get a whole load of random shit.
The first thing Frankie's done is send me away.
THEY LAUGH
The team of three seemed very comfortable together straight away.
Good chemistry. Good chemistry.
What's going on here?
I didn't know he w...
I thought it was some bloke delivering something.
So, you didn't know who Ivo was?
I did once I, like, fully took him in, but I thought,
"Someone's just wandered into the shot."
I would say watching Frankie and Ivo they were the most, like, a,
sort of, father-and-son team we've ever had -
except a father and son who haven't really spent any time together.
It's what you want from the team task.
The crackle of tension.
Not some bloody mic-muffling hug, thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
We all sniff a potato, and then, get on?
Boring! Not for me and my dad.
Do you want to see the boring team of three first?
Yeah, let's get them out of the way, being all nice to each other.
Then we can get on to this fucking shitshow.
Here we see Jenny, Kiell, and Mae.
Gather stuff, come on. KIELL: Right, OK.
Gang. I'm getting different stuff.
Oh, I've never done this before.
It looks like there's shit on this one.
You want it as high as possible. Barrel on top of barrel.
Get it high.
Oh, loving your work. Wait.
Everyone stop. I touched the red green.
Please put everything back, tut, and go back to the drawing board.
No...I'm so... Why did you tell them?
We have to tut.
THEY TUT
Please be careful, Jenny. Don't do yourself.
Don't - stop patronising me. OK.
Back to the drawing board, please.
Touch the drawing board.
THEY SCREECH
Oh, no, no!
Did it touch it? I think you may have just touched it.
I did, yeah.
Oh, tut. THEY TUT
Back to the drawing board!
You think two blue...
Two blue, barrels on top.
It's got to be as tall as possible.
I think the best way we're going to do it is with duct tape.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think we can get higher than this?
Yes! Is a pole taller than these at the moment?
Like that? Yeah, we ca... THEY LAUGH
OK, OK. So, we just need duct tape.
We have a new plan.
I-I'm putting this down. Fuck that. OK.
Why don't we make this wider?
Three-and-a-half minutes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK. Ooh, no, no, no!
Two minutes, 20. Careful, careful.
I can't bear it.
OK, slow raise at the same time.
# Come on, magic potato
# Up to the sky
# Up to the sky... #
Stop the clock, I think.
I think we could go higher. No, I'm scared.
I'm coming round to help, Mae.
OK... Oh, whoa, whoa!
Come on a bit more. Come on, higher, higher.
OK, stop the clock, stop the clock. Higher, higher. No!
Higher, stop the clock now!
You want me to measure it? Yes! Yeah.
OK, lovely stuff. Ohh!
Well done. Super teamwork.
Oh... No, don't let it touch!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
First things first.
Let's see a clip of Jenny getting rid of that plank again.
Here she is. Yeah.
Fuck that!
Yeah.
She did say, at one point, "It's like a day out with your nana,
"but quite a weird nana."
You got the magic potato up to the sky,
and I think you're a lovely team.
Yeah, they did pretty well.
They got about the same height as if you imagine the average
three-year-old standing on the shoulders, or the head actually,
of maybe a taller-than-average ten-year-old,
or an average 11-year-old. That's about the - so two...
How high, was it? Two metres 40, sorry. Right.
Right, then, everyone, we're halfway through the show.
Alex, run me a bath, and then, get your scrubbing brush.
Let's see if we can't some of this dead skin off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey, hello! Welcome back to part three of Taskmaster,
where I'm now as smooth as an eel.
Yes, we got it all off! We got it all off...!
Mm, mm!
AUDIENCE REVOLTS
The current task involves trying to make the highest bridge to support
a potato, but if anything touches the red green -
it's quite salty - they have to put everything back
where they found it, tut, and go back to the drawing board.
We've seen the team of three build and tut,
now let's see Frankie and Ivo work together as a pair.
Do you want some chalk? Yes, I would, please.
I don't actually...
You know, I don't want to come across as too much of a snowflake,
but, er, I don't enjoy the sensation of chalk on a chalkboard.
Ah.
Oh, I like those. This might inspire something.
I haven't done much with the board yet.
Hm.
I think I'd probably like to borrow a s...
A board brush.
Er, a board clearer, a dusting...tool.
Lot of pressure on Frankie, I think.
What's your idea?
Well, I've certainly cleared the board.
My idea right, and it may be a bad idea... Good.
..we just try and go from the top of the caravan to the top of that,
kind of, geodesic dome.
And we stick the potato in the middle.
To the top of what? The geo...
Our geodesic dome.
It's probably - is that what it is? The ge-geodesic dome. Yeah.
That little greenhouse. Great. THEY LAUGH
It's really the opposite of the shape we need.
Well... Well. ..that's an ugly start.
It certainly makes you think about what could be achieved
closer to the... Yeah.
Ivo. Yeah?
That's lower than the ladder.
Well, I think we should abandon that and move nearer the thing.
OK, don't drop that. Can we be in it?
Yeah, we can be human parts of the bridge, nothing says we can't.
Yes!
I'm going to have a bit of a rootle round the house.
We could roll it in a tube. Mate.
The second ladder. Frankie!
Yeah. Perhaps we should've done more work on our planning phase.
I think skipping the plan was thrilling.
Now, measure the blighter. Yeah, yeah.
I don't really know how to measure it.
What's the matter, Alex? Can't reach our spud?
THEY LAUGH
There we go.
Very happy with that. Well done, Ivo.
I'm going to let this go now.
APPLAUSE
This is like a 1970s sitcom.
People from a different class!
"I'm the lord, but he's the master."
I feel, despite what might seem like differences between us,
I've got nothing but love for Mr Ivo Graham.
AUDIENCE AWWS
And I felt that most of the success of the task was due to Ivo
prompting me to be less wrong.
LAUGHTER
A really genuinely sweet thing that
somehow still sounded like a threat.
How high did they go though?
It was as high as Hagrid jumping over a loaf of bread.
Well, he's two metres, 59 - two metres, 81.
41 centimetres higher than the team of three.
Well, they both fairly effective, weren't they?
Yes, but there must be a gulf. Yeah, five and three.
OK, so 3 points to the team of three,
5 points to Daddy and Son! Daddy and Son!
CHEERING AND APPLAUES
Let's have a rootle around and see if we can get another task.
Yes, here we go, deep breath.
ALEX INHALES
GREG EXHALES
Kiell. How's it?
Watch this.
How'd you do that? Uh-huh.
Well, that was cool. Thank you.
Oh, it went, oh...
Did that not work? It was meant to go the other way up.
Hi, chief.
Are you ready? Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"Achieve the most impressive effect with a single breath.
"You must take your breath and achieve your effect
"within the next 20 minutes.
"The most impressive effect..."
Effect.
Hm.
Blowing out a...a candle,
not in itself very impressive.
But perhaps if it achieved complete darkness within a space,
that would be quite boring and bad television.
I need to find a dying frog.
Or a tiny bird that I can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to.
Is it raining? No.
All right, come on, then.
Is this the first time in, 15 series of this show,
that we've been asked for a dying frog?
Second. Second.
Second time.
Well, I'm very keen to see the impressive effect that these people
did with a single breath.
GREG EXHALES Oh.
Lovely.
OK, up first, it's Mae and Kiell.
Hello, again. Hi.
This is just phase one.
So, we need some pipes.
Couple of bricks.
It's going to be incredible.
I've never worked so hard in my life.
Right, you've put a mop on a duck.
On a shed.
Yes.
You've got four minutes, Mae. Oh, my God.
Argh!
That's not even science, man.
I'm going to blow it down, one huge breath,
and then, hopefully it's going to hit the xylophone.
That's the end, that'll be...
That'll be the...
Ahh!
Oh, my God.
Good luck, Kiell.
Ah!
Ready? Good luck.
Don't fail me, OK.
You ready? I'm ready.
Are you ready?
They're ready.
Ahem.
MARBLE CLATTERS
XYLOPHONE NOTE PLAYS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ohh!
Hee-hee-hee!
Oh, God, that was satisfying.
LOUD BLOWING
I'm going to blow this with a single breath.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Someone'll say that was more impressive that what I did.
And I'm going to kick off.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Mae, I think you're fast becoming an expert at these tasks.
Oh, thank you.
They beaver away, they create something.
I beaver away famously.
APPLAUSE
I...
Great beavering. And...
Thank you.
..what a lovely pipe at the end of it, as well.
There was a real contrast between the two.
Oh, come on!
What Kiell's very good at is having the confidence of someone
who's doing a good job.
The self-belief is sensational.
I didn't really take into consideration that...
..I'm not able to blow a golf ball.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no, stuff went wrong way before then.
Next up are two comedians known simple as Jenny Eclair
and Frankie Boyle.
Hello, Jenny. Hello, Alex.
I'd like to show you my party trick.
Er, the most impressive thing I can do with a single breath...
..is save this caravan.
About here is it? Yeah.
You just need to be ready to duck.
I'm ready to duck.
Going to save this caravan from a roaring inferno.
Jenny?
I saved the caravan!
Is it definitely out? Yeah.
Was it one breath? One breath.
Can I just check - can we stand down all the fire officers now?
Slightly over the top, wasn't it?
There's a lot of them. Thank you, Jenny.
WHISTLE BLOWS
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Single breath.
GREG LAUGHS
Do you think it was impressive?
It would've been impressive if they'd let me really set fire to
the curtains, but they were being a bit wet about it.
Yeah, so it is their fault, but really, it was just you
blowing on the corner of a curtain.
She saved the caravan, there's no doubt about it.
If she hadn't blown it out... It would've been a blazing inferno.
Yeah. Why was I so impressed by Frankie Boyle being a naughty boy?
LAUGHTER
Everyone hates golf.
Everyone.
I've never really played golf,
because I'm not trapped in
a loveless marriage.
APPLAUSE
Frankie got slightly lucky, cos our garden backs onto a golf course.
Your first instincts were to blow a whistle in a matinee or a church.
Both of which I would've enjoyed.
OK, one part left until someone wins a glove that Kiell put on a foot.
Feel the rush!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! And welcome back to Taskmaster.
We've got a task that needs completing,
and Alex is about to fill you in on why.
Yes, the comedians have been trying to achieve the most impressive
effect with a single breath.
There's only one person left to see, and it's Ivo!
Can I try and get on the radio and just breathe?
LONG EXHALE
Yeah, that's impressive. Yeah.
When I'm speaking to the producer, I'm a bit more like, er,
"Yes I've got an opinion about wind farms."
But then, once I'm on the air...
Erm, 5 Live.
PHONE RINGS
Yeah, you've got...
Y-Yeah, I know. ..12 minutes.
It's just hung up.
Er, I'll instead call, er, Greg.
Will he recognise your breath?
PHONE RINGS
AUTOMATED VOICE: Hello, I'm sorry, but the person you've called...
No!
That's agony. That's agony.
I will breathe down a phone today.
LAUGHTER
Right.
Three-and-a-half minutes, by the way. Yeah.
Er, I'd like to apologise for the wilful damage of fancy glassware.
I'm going to call Ed Gamble.
Previous Taskmaster contestant.
Winner and host of the Taskmaster podcast.
PHONE RINGS
ED GAMBLE: Hello, Ivo.
GLASSES CLINK
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
IVO SNORTS
WHISTLE BLOWS
Is Ed still on the line? No, he hung up.
It feels like 1 point, doesn't it?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I mean, the whole attempt was extraordinary.
The trouble is nothing happened. It was a single breath -
and the single breath, it had no effect at all.
My instinct is, is to say Ivo gets 1 point,
but then, I remember Jenny blowing on the corner of a curtain.
I'm going to give them both 1 point.
You're giving Jenny fewer points than Kiell.
Hey, hey, hey! Look, don't bring me into it.
He's having a nice time over here, let him do his thinking.
He blew at a golf ball three times, and nothing happened.
Hey, hey, hey, look! But he constructed a thing.
I can't believe what's going on here.
I just, er, I need to report from the front line,
and it was very disappointing.
Yeah, the first three!
And then, the fourth one was fucking sick!
Yeah, but it was a single breath, Kiell.
Do you know what it is? I've been hypnotised by your charm.
And I was about to give you 2 points when you don't deserve them.
Alex! Thank God my little assistant's here.
So, you can have 1 point, as well. Shit's sake!
On point... Hang on - mine is the same, the same?
Yeah. I-I don't know where that finger's pointing.
To you! LAUGHTER
One, one, one.
I mean, I've got to say,
I'm not especially impressed with any of these.
Right, OK. What about me?
Well, there's, like, the "bing" at the end.
Bing was good. But is it a 5-point bing?
Yeah. I don't think it's a 5-point bing.
Are you sure you just haven't become jaded with
the concept of the show?
I don't think that's the case.
We haven't got a 5-point bing,
and I can't give a grown man putting a golfer off 5 points.
Who wins the task, Greg? OK, Mae wins the task.
And I've already told you it wasn't a 5-point bing,
so logic would tell you that Mae gets 4 points,
and Frankie gets 3.
OK, so well done, Mae, you've sort of won the task, 4 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Kiell, are you all right?
I'm fumin'.
One last look at the scores! At the top of the pile,
it's Frankie Boyle with 16 points!
CHEERING
OK, it's time to leave your seats and head to the stage for,
guess what, the final task of the show!
CHEERING
I'm already excited. Oh, yes.
Who's going to read it out? Ivo Graham this time.
Ah.
"Create a recognisable picture of an animal on the back of your T-shirt
"using the equipment provided.
"You must stay on your spot,
"and you must not move your spot.
"If you create the same animal as someone else,
"you will both be disqualified.
"Best recognisable picture of an animal on your back wins.
"You have 200 seconds."
Put an animal on your back.
If it's the same animal as someone else, you get nothing.
Good luck, your time starts... BLOWS WHISTLE
What sort of animals are you hoping for, Greg?
Baboon.
Hedgehog.
OK, so remember, on the backs of your T-shirts.
GREG LAUGHS
We've got halfway.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go on, Jennie!
Oh, bless you, darling, that's very kind. That's it.
That's all we need, in terms of audience interaction,
one woman shouting, "Go on, Jenny."
Do you want the same woman to shout anything again?
They could encourage a different contestant.
Yeah, that's... LAUGHTER
35 seconds left now, Greg. Not long.
I mean, Kiell completed his about two full minutes ago.
Frankie is also finished.
Oh, shi...
Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Please put down your materials.
CHEERING
First to reveal their animal, it's going to be Frankie Boyle.
Are you ready to witness his animal?
FLATLY: I'm absolutely beside myself.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's the unmistakably rigid shape...
..of a deceased snake.
Frankie, is that what you were trying to achieve?
Yes. Yes.
If there's one thing you famously say about snakes,
they are straight.
LAUGHTER
Lotta different kinds of snakes, Greg.
Can we see the second animal?
OK, Ivo, please turn around and show us your animal.
Bearing mind that Ivo was the only person who discovered the scissors.
I don't love what that implied.
What animal is it, Greg?
I think it's a jaunty giraffe.
I aimed for jaunty. I'm glad that's been recognised.
Is it a giraffe?
Oh, oh, yes. I...
LAUGHTER
Jenny Eclair, what do we have?
Butterfly. Butterfly.
And it's really good. I like it.
APPLAUSE
This is Jenny's finest hour.
LAUGHTER
Are we ready for Kiell's?
Kiell used 30 seconds of his allotted time.
Oh! THEY GASP
Oh, dear. Oh, no.
This seems very cruel.
But sadly, it's another snake.
It could be a stick insect.
Is it a snake, Kiell?
It's a bendy snake. LAUGHTER
Fair point.
Frankie and Kiell were first and second in the episode.
They're both... Cruelly disqualified.
Both now out. OK, Mae.
Oh, my God, that's good. Why's that so good?
It's not just a bit of tape stuck on a board, Kiell,
that's why it's good. Fuck.
LAUGHTER
I think it might be an extinct bird?
A dodo?
It isn't - oh.
But it's enough to say it's a bird.
Yeah, it's a duck. I-It's a bird...
It's a bird, that's what counts! It's a bird. OK.
Two snakes bite the dust.
Who'd've thought that the heel-clicking jaunty giraffe
would get 3 points?
And yet, there it is, 3 points to the giraffe.
And honestly, they're both very good.
But for me, Jenny's beautiful butterfly just takes it.
So, 4 points to Mae, and 5 points to Jenny Eclair,
and that's an end to it.
OK, there we go, well done, Jenny Eclair!
APPLAUSE
Come down, we'll see how that's effected the final scores!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, that's got to put the old proverbial cat amongst the pigeons,
hasn't it? It really has, and none of them made cats or pigeons,
they made beautiful animals.
Yes, they did. Unfortunately, there were two snakes.
The final scores are so close.
There's only 3 points separating the five of them.
Frankie and Mae are in joint-second place,
but the winner, with 17 points.
Ivo Graham! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ivo Graham wins!
Please leap up to look at your objects and feel weird!
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if your husband's back late from a round of golf,
he's not necessarily having an affair.
His swing might have been impeded by Frankie Boyle's whistle.
That's all for now.
Four people didn't win this week, but one definitely did.
And you know who it was?
I know, it was Ivo Graham!
Bye!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media