Brace, brace!
I'm bracing!
CLATTERING
Hm!
This program me contains strong language and adult humour
No, no, no, no!
TRUMPET-LIKE HONKING
No!
Ahh!
What?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to Taskmaster, and, spoiler alert,
I don't know everything.
I don't know how the pyramids were built,
I can't explain nuclear fusion,
I don't know what butter is. What is it?
No-one knows really. Off-milk?
Try spreading off-milk on your kids' toast.
They'll be off school for a fortnight, you idiot.
LAUGHTER So, why would five comedians
risk everything to win a trophy that doesn't look like anyone?
It's not me - I've had a beard for five years.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, we don't need to know the answer to everything.
Sometimes we just need to... HE INHALES SHARPLY
.drink it in.
So, please raise your glasses...
...to Frankie Boyle...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Ivo Graham... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Jenny Eclair... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Kiell Smith-Bynoe... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...and Mae Martin. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me,
the chips to my fish, the nut to my bolt,
the toilet bowl to my heavy beef lunch...
LAUGHTER .it is...
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: ..Little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Greg. You all right? Yeah. Do you want a game of I Spy?
Yes, please. OK, well, let's play.
What sort of pie is this?
LAUGHTER It's an ice pie.
It's an ice pie, isn't it?
You've got... You've got the guess the filling.
That's the...the game. That's the game.
And then, we crack it open and find out if you're right.
It's really wet.
LAUGHTER
OK, I think it's a chicken pie.
It is a chicken pie. OK.
He's won "ice pie"!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On with the prize task.
For today's prize task,
you demanded the comedians brought in the best thing
to play about with in your bathroom.
The winner of the episode is guaranteed
some seriously top-level bathroom fun.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Kiell, I'll start with you.
What do you like playing with in your bathroom?
I like playing with a piano. LAUGHTER
Here it is.
LAUGHTER
Does it drown out unfortunate sounds?
Um, it depends how high you turn it up.
So, are you saying you could provide the soundtrack to the moment?
Is that what you...? You call it "the moment"?
Do you not call it "the moment"? LAUGHTER
He's always called it "the moment".
What tunes could a man play on this piece of tat?
Oh, we're talking Three Blind Mice, um...
LAUGHTER
End of sentence.
It's shit.
LAUGHTER
That is... That is a disappointing start.
Mae.
... Well, I guess if people stay around my house,
I want them to have a very exciting and thrilling time,
and I like to live on the edge dangerously.
So, I've made, uh, a toothpaste Russian roulette.
LAUGHTER Here's a picture of it. Mm.
Toothpaste Russian roulette. LAUGHTER
OK, so, there's different things in each tube.
So, one has mayonnaise, one has cream cheese,
one has face cream... Oh! ..and one has toothpaste.
I've never felt such danger as brushing my teeth with cheese.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Quite fun, though, in a way.
It's fun, and you've made an effort.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Frankie.
You know when you have a bath,
you set up a lot of candles, you create an atmosphere?
Why not...? One does. THEY LAUGH
Why not...?
Why not use that atmosphere to contact the dead...
LAUGHTER
...with a laminated Ouija board specifically designed
to contact the dead members of the group the Bee Gees.
LAUGHTER Wow.
So, here is Frankie's waterproof Bee Gee Ouija board.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I really like it, Frankie. I probably shouldn't. I do, though.
And I'm a big fan of the Bee Gees.
RIP. RIP.
Hello, Barry!
LAUGHTER
Ivo.
Greg, I've brought in a prize task that combines
a lovely bit of music, a lovely bit of danger,
and even a little bit of death.
It's a scale model of the Titanic.
And here it is.
LAUGHTER
Come on, Greg. God...
Don't you want to bathe with her?
I don't want to, um,
recreate one of the worst maritime disasters in history.
But you don't have to recreate it.
You can keep your scale model of the Titanic afloat in the bath. Afloat.
That's the beauty of the prize task.
You can change history for the better.
I don't think you can change history.
LAUGHTER
Hello, Jenny. Hello, boys. Hello.
Hello, both.
I don't know whether either of you, or any of my team-mates here,
are clenchers or grinders - the world does divide.
Clencher or grinder? Grinder.
Grinder.
I'm a clencher. Terrible clencher.
And this is a charming mouth brace I have to wear at night,
and I can put it in... OK.
Have you lost your mind?
LAUGHTER
I told you... OK, OK.
So, I start like that, right...
LAUGHTER
..and it's disgusting,
and you can never get it properly clean.
Uh, so, on the market,
there's this digital brace cleaner that you can get.
In short, Jenny has brought in a dental pod.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER No...
To have some fun in the bathroom?
LAUGHTER
They also are quite expensive,
and I haven't treated myself to one.
I thought, "If I ask them to get me one on this,
"I'll go home with it..." LAUGHTER
"..even if I don't win... if I don't win."
Well, you're going to have to judge this, Greg.
Jenny's definitely helped me out.
One point for Jenny Eclair.
Two points to Mae.
Three to lvo, I think. Right.
Four to Kiell.
So, Frankie Boyle takes the five points.
With the Ouija board, Frankie Boyle, five points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's have a proper task.
Yes, I know.
I-] agree.
OK, here is the task right now.
LAUGHTER
DUCK QUACKS
COw MOOS
Hello.
Hello, everyone. All have a seat.
Hmm.
Two chairs. That's a bit ominous.
Ah, got a heart.
What's all this about?
LAUGHTER
"Invent an imaginary companion.”
I do that every day.
"Then complete a domestic task with your imaginary companion.”
"Your imaginary companion must either be much taller
"or much littler than you."
"Most poignant scene wins." Interesting criteria.
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
Yep. We wore the same jacket.
It's really just a dramatic scene with just myself.
Pretty much any story of a 49-year-old man
with an imaginary friend is going to have a certain poignancy.
What you thinking? Washing up. That's poignant.
If I can get a tear out, that's got to be worth a point.
I would have thought so. Yeah, OK.
Do I want this fragile-headed tall bloke
or a tiny little...? In my pocket?
Got to keep him in my bra like a...
There we go. It's in there.
Ah.
So, we're off to the kitchen? Sure.
'I be in the kitchen.
Are you all right in there? You're fine in there, aren't you?
You're all right.
We're going to go for a little walk to the kitchen.
Come on. Let's do that.
LAUGHTER
Kiel}, tell me about your childhood friend. What was his name?
Chicago.
LAUGHTER
What sort of stuff did you and Chicago get up to?
Skateboarding, uh, making up songs...
Remember any of them?
All of them started with "I don't know how much".
LAUGHTER Fucking hell.
Like...
# I don't know how much you want to be with her... #
It's the most poignant task we've ever had on the show.
Are you ready to see it? Let's have a look.
All right, we're going to begin with three real friends
called Frankie, Kiel|, and Mae,
and their unreal friends,
who are called Andy, Louis, and Salvatore.
Here we go.
Just been cooking some cookies my little friend Imaginary Andy.
It's his first day at school today, imaginary friend school.
He loves cookies.
Andy would do absolutely anything to get his hands on some cookies.
He's a bit late, actually.
Salvatore.
Mm! Yeah, here. It's good, right?
There you go, on there.
Look at us - best friends, Kiell, Louis,
about to do the washing up.
Mm. I'm sorry about my family.
They don't... understand what we have.
But since I found you under a toadstool,
I've felt like I finally make sense, you know?
So, tell me more about your plans for life.
Really?
I've always wanted to see New Zealand, too.
It's a long flight, but I'd look after you.
You know I've always got you back. Forever. Best friends.
PHONE RINGS
What's that? Sorry, I can't talk just now.
Yeah. No, I'm waiting for Andy to come back.
Yeah, he is a little bit late. Yeah.
I'm just going to put these away, yeah? Don't you move.
I feel like that soup needs a little more spice.
Salvatore?
And if we...
Louis?
Louis? Where'd you...?
Louis?
HE GASPS
Oh, he's back.
Where is he?
Andy! Andy, no!
Andy!
No, Andy!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
HE SOBS, LAUGHTER
Oh, my God! Sal!
Babe! Oh, my God!
It's my best friend!
We'll never go to New Zealand!
No!
Oh! Oh, my God.
Ahh!
No!
HE WAILS
Andy!
I don't want anybody else. SHE SOBS
Nobody rocks my body or my world like Sal.
LAUGHTER
I love you, Sal.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God. Mm. LAUGHTER
I sort of found...
There were a couple of genuinely harrowing moments.
Salvatore boiled to death.
In the soup. Louis was washed away.
He'll never get to go to New Zealand.
LAUGHTER
And then Frankie, fucking hell...
.that...
HE LAUGHS
...that "Jesus Christ" was genuinely too much. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I might ask you why at any point did you seek
to open the oven door,
choosing to let him carry on burning.
LAUGHTER
Cheaper than a cremation.
LAUGHTER
Um, Mae, heart-breaking.
The only thing that slightly brought me out of the narrative
and perhaps moved me away from the great tragedy just for a beat
was the notion that Salvatore used to, and I quote,
“rock your body...
I'd like more people at funerals
to give speeches about how they were going to miss the sex.
LAUGHTER
OK, hold up, that's the end of part one,
and my chance to find out what it's like to sit on someone's lap.
See you soon.
No, no, no.
No! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to Taskmaster
and the conclusion of our imaginary friend task.
Did you have an imaginary friend, Alex?
No, Greg.
They never wanted to hang out with me,
but I didn't care, because I had woodlice.
LAUGHTER
Well, yes, the current task
involves creating a poignant scene
with either a very small or a very tall imaginary friend.
We've had three smalls,
but now it's time for a biggie with Jenny Eclair.
SHE LAUGHS
Oh, Ed, you're so funny. You make me laugh all the time.
We have such fun together, don't we?
I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye.
That's not really possible, is it,
what with you being really so tall, and all that.
This is quite hard and hot work.
Gosh, I could do with a cold drink,
or something like that. ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC
Hold on. Ice cream!
SQUELCHING, FOLLOWED BY A THUD
Oh, Ed!
Your head! LAUGHTER
SHE WHIMPERS
SHE SOBS
LAUGHTER
SHE CONTINUES SOBBING
Oh, Ed!
I'm sorry!
Ahh! I'm going to have to get another imaginary friend now!
LAUGHTER Ahh!
SHE CONTINUES SOBBING
I'm not sure I've ever felt less moved.
LAUGHTER
... changed my mind.
I had my little bra friend,
and then |I... I don't know what happened to them.
She suffocated. Well, sheer hysteria seemed to set in.
There's not a court in the land
that wouldn't convict you of murder there.
LAUGHTER
Next up, it's Ivo.
What could be nicer?
Hot summer's day, couple of lads cleaning their cars.
Make sure you're thorough.
Look.
Really get every bit there, you see?
Oh, it's looking great.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of us.
Most people wouldn't give
their imaginary friend their own set of wheels,
and one day, we're going to go on the sweetest road trip together.
ENGINE STARTS
Not in the same car,
but driving side by side
singing each other songs through our windows.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And you'll be so...
Where...?
What about our road trip?
You teach them to wash their car
and they just drive off into the sunset without you.
If you love something, set it free.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
In many ways, more tragic,
because you're friend chose to leave you.
LAUGHTER
Yes. I drew on some powerful real experience.
LAUGHTER
Speaks to a certain level of social status, though, doesn't it
when your imaginary friend has a car?
LAUGHTER
Time to score them. Who's in last place, Greg?
I'm going to give Jenny two points. Oh, thank you. Thank you, yeah.
Because I did enjoy the act of...of beheading.
Then I'm going to go up to Kiell.
It was a poignant set-up. I didn't...
I wasn't as moved at the end,
and at the back of my head, I think he might have lived.
LAUGHTER
OK, three points to Kiell.
Mae and Ivo, I would probably give four points to,
because when Frankie shouted "Jesus Christ",
I actually out loud went, "Oh, my God!"
And therefore he must take the five points.
There we go. Well done, Frankie Boyle. Five points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's see a scoreboard then. All right.
Well, he's not won an episode yet,
but currently a maximum score of ten,
it's Frankie Boyle in the lead.
Wow. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What's next, Alex?
It's time for breakfast. Mm!
Hello.
Oh, my favourites. Eggs.
Good morning.
Hi. Good... SHE LAUGHS
Hi. There's something funny about an egg.
LAUGHTER
May |7 You may.
"Efficiently shell an egg."
"You may not touch any part of any egg..."
"..With your hands."”
I thought this was going to be pretty simple for a while.
Yeah.
"..And you may only break the shell of one of the eggs.”
What does that mean?
Why have I got all these eggs if I'm only doing one egg?
That's a great question.
LAUGHTER
"Fewest pieces of egg-less shell wins."
Why is this so confusing?
"Fewest pieces of egg-less shell...”
I'm going to go into full crisis here.
I just don't understand what's been asked of me. Right.
I'm not thick... OK. ..OK?
I'll write that down.
So, do you understand the task?
Not really, Alex, no. No.
So, you've got to get the shell off an eqgqg.
That's about right.
You have a maximum of ten minutes.
Your time starts now.
APPLAUSE
There seemed to be some collective confusion
over this task there.
Yes, all five of them.
We're you surprised that they didn't understand the task? Completely. Yeah.
They couldn't use their hands so they had to peel the egg
in as few pieces as possible.
We gave them a choice of eggs
because that might be important, it might not. Write that then!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Here we go.
Some of these eggs aren't going to break, are they?
Some of them are not real eggs. OK.
Just sort of test the weight.
That's quite a sensible thing to do, isn't it?
They all sound real to me.
How, were they?
All roughly the same weight.
That's a relief.
"Fewest pieces of egg-less shell...”
Egg-less shell.
You've taken a shoe off.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Well, what about if I had a tea towel
and an egg in it,
and then I wouldn't be touching it with my hands.
I'd be touching it with the...
LAUGHTER
Right OK.
Were you aiming for the middle of the egg?
Yes, I was. LAUGHTER
Can I use a practice egg?
Well, all I can say, Ivo,
is that all the information is on the task.
So, if I get that egg out...
Ah. Right.
Egg-less shell. Yep.
How we doing for time?
Three minutes 44 left.
Seriously? Mm-hm.
Let's get the rest of this out.
It's just going to be three pieces.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Uh...
We're definitely keen that you shell an egg at some point.
Yeah, you... LAUGHTER
CRUNCHING
Oh, that's quite a crunchy bit of egg you're eating.
Oh, stop it. Shut up. LAUGHTER
Hmm.
Doesn't feel good, does it, putting it in my mouth?
Or just a knife.
LAUGHTER
A nice tiny sliver of shell.
LAUGHTER
That's turning into so many bits of small shell.
CRACKLING I can hear them.
Ooh!
That's a nice big bit.
Now what are you doing?
Nothing. JUST finishing off my egg.
LAUGHTER
CRUNCHING
Another crunchy bit? LAUGHTER
WHISTLE BLOWS
Thanks, Jenny. Right. I'm a bit egged out now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well, first things first, Jenny. Why did you take your shoe off?
I just wondered whether
I could do something with the shoelace.
I don't know why. LAUGHTER
I mean, normally, Ivo, I see you as, you know,
quite a person of action.
You normally think, "Right, I'll have a go at this."
But you just seemed lost for a long time with it.
I think the only good thing I did in that ten minutes
was keep both of my shoes on.
LAUGHTER
Why did you try to work out the weight of the eggs?
What did you think was going on with the eggs?
Um, well, I don't think even the successful shellers amongst us
will have provided any answer as to why there were five eggs.
Oh, one of them has. Well, several.
LAUGHTER
Me and Jenny over in thicko corner.
"Jenny and I".
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"Thicko corner"?
Oh, God, Ivo.
I can't believe I'm being told off by Jenny
for ruining our friendship
and told off my Alex for using bad grammar
at the same time. LAUGHTER
It's really gone badly, hasn't it?
Well, look, I had the slightly sad job
of having to count the pieces afterwards.
Uh, Ivo, 13 pieces of eggshell. Yes!
Jenny, 20 pieces, and that's not including the pieces you ate.
Yeah. Which were many.
All right, then, it's time for Kiell and Frankie.
I've got to somehow select the hardest egg.
You're looking for a hard egg?
I'm looking for the hardest possible egg.
What about that...? Whoa...
I think... I think this one is up for it.
I had an idea.
Maybe the hard-boiled egg will sink furthest to the bottom.
What's your method, Kiell?
Uh, pick it up and drop it.
That one had a bit of a slower trajectory.
What are we learning?
What do people normally use? To do this?
Yeah. A spoon?
OK.
Or this. And this.
Ah. LAUGHTER
What have you found? I don't know what that is.
Ooh.
That to me seemed quite hard.
Go on, get in.
Right.
I don't really understand how that's happened.
So, that's the egg you've chosen, is it? Yeah. This is the moment.
LAUGHTER
It's going be, like, a thousand pieces of eggshell.
LAUGHTER
There we go. All right.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Bit of a mess.
I mean, I don't think I've seen anyone peel an egg this badly.
LAUGHTER
I think I'm smashing this.
Is that a pun?
Oh, you.
LAUGHTER
Oh, that's better.
Well, you know, it kind of came together at the end there.
Finished? Yeah. Soz about that.
Bye-bye.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Frankie, did your "drop an egg in the water" system help much?
No. LAUGHTER
Uh, I think I hadn't entirely understood the task,
and also I stopped caring...
That was very much true. ..halfway through, and...
Welcome to thicko corner. Yeah. LAUGHTER
You are welcome. LAUGHTER
Kiell accidentally found the solution,
which is you're looking for a raw eqg,
cos then you can get the egg out in one.
You can make a little hole and blow the egg out in one.
I'm not going to be blowing the egg out. But you nearly did blow the egg out.
You did a good job using some drawing implements.
I did have to count all the little bits.
There were six little bits,
but that's a lot fewer than Frankie, who had 83.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, and that is the end of part two.
"All good things must come to an end," my auntie always says.
She remains to this day one of the most boring human beings
I've had the misfortune to spend time with.
LAUGHTER See you in a bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! We're back.
It's the third part of tonight's show,
and once again, we find ourselves in the company of eggs.
MAE'S VOICE: Hi. There's something funny about an egg.
LAUGHTER Yes.
The current task involves efficient shelling.
They can't use their hands.
Only one egg can be touched, and fewest pieces of eggshell wins.
Here's Mae's attempt.
OK, I'm just going to take my shoes and socks off.
LAUGHTER Yes. Yeah. Me, too.
OK. Are you allowed to put them on the floor for me?
Yeah, OK.
It looks like I'm wanking off an egg with my foot.
Does a bit.
Oh, God, it really does.
No, fuck this. OK.
OK.
And now I'm going to put my mouth on them.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Hmm. Uh-huh.
Would you prefer to work with a boiled egg or an unboiled egg?
Mm.
I'm going to get a pin
and then I'm going to hope it's a raw eqg,
and I'm going to make a pin-sized hole.
Right?
Not sure this is the way. LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE EXCLAIM Ah.
Well, that was the way.
You pretty much finished the task. LAUGHTER
OK, I'm going to get the rest of the egg out.
I mean, I don't know why I had my feet
and my mouth involved when I could have used any utensil.
LAUGHTER
Fewest pieces of egg-less shell.
If I'm being completely honest, there's three.
Yes, should be.
I'm done. Yep.
Three. Three.
What does it say?
"Frankie, Frankie, Jenny, Frankie, Frankie."
What does that mean?
Well, I presume Jenny's boiled.
No, Jenny was the raw one.
Yeah, cos Frankie...
Frankie and Benny. No, what? LAUGHTER
Frankie "Boyle". Yeah, that's infuriating.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What was the plan when your shoes and socks came off?
Oh, I was going to use my feet to...to expertly shell it.
I don't know. LAUGHTER
You were going to peel the egg with your toes?
I feel nauseous from watching that. Like that was... I...
We've all been quite traumatised. Yeah.
I don't know if you can tell. Like...
Yeah. But the pin idea was amazing.
Oh, the pin idea was amazing. Yeah, yeah.
Dropped the egg. But then, a happy accident, right?
It was a very happy accident, like Kiell, really, and it worked.
Just the three pieces. They've definitely won.
Shall we just score it and move on?
Let's just agree it's been the worst... LAUGHTER
...task and the worse response to a task in 15 series,
and let's move on.
By some distance. By some distance. LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And yet, Frankie gets a point, Jenny two, Ivo three,
Kiell four, but Mae Martin, five points.
Do I dare ask for another?
Thankfully, we do have another one,
and I've been busy doing a spot of landscaping.
Ooh!
Ha!
This looks great. Yeah, it's an improvement.
Yeah. Bowling ball. Uh-huh.
Right. Oh, do... Open the task.
Yep, that's the first task. LAUGHTER
"Bash the big bell with the bowling ball.”
"Fastest gets five points."
"Slowest gets four points.”
"Nobody else gets any points.”
Interesting.
"You are to stay off the grass unless you're wearing gold shoes."
"If anything other than the bowling ball or gold shoes
"touches the grass, you are disqualified.”
"You have a maximum of 20 minutes."
"Your time starts...now."
APPLAUSE
Pretty straightforward.
I'm looking forward to just getting on with it. Crack on.
All right, first up to give it a bash are Jenny and Mae.
Oh, no.
I'm not going to be able to do that.
Well, it might hit. LAUGHTER
No, and now you can't reach it.
No. I've got to find some golden shoes.
Gold shoes.
Well, just going to have a look
for some gold shoes quickly.
OK.
I found one. Oh, well done.
Yeah. That didn't take long.
That pineapple is calling to me.
SHE CACKLES
LAUGHTER It's a golden shoe!
Is there another one?
They normally come in pairs.
They do, normally.
There's no gold shoe in here, is there?
Well, where's the other golden shoe?
Found the golden spray.
They lent me a kicking shoe.
I'm going to gold spray it.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
No! No! LAUGHTER
What's wrong?
Why would they do that?!
LAUGHTER
I only have one.
So, what's the plan?
Go on one foot.
Can you do that? Yeah.
I think I can.
They're so golden.
That's more like it.
Golden shoes!
OK. LAUGHTER
How does it feel? Scary.
Yep.
I'm allowed on the grass in my golden shoes.
Kicking the ball with my golden shoes.
Oh, bloody hell!
I've stopped the clock.
Come on! Come on! Yeah.
I've stopped the clock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I think if you ever decide you want to do pantomime,
that would serve as a very good audition tape,
because you were literally cackling like a lunatic.
LAUGHTER
I'm not very good with children en mass.
LAUGHTER
Why didn't you pick up the ball at any point?
LAUGHTER
Why would you say that now?! LAUGHTER
You both did really well.
Uh, Jenny bashed the bell in three minutes 40.
Three minutes 40.
If you'd got the right paint first time around,
you would have beaten Mae, who got two minutes 57.
So, you both did extremely well.
Good start. Well done. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good start.
Two big bell bangers now.
It's Kiell and Frankie.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Aw!
LAUGHTER
HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY
I should try to hit it before I do this, shouldn't I?
Oh!
May I have your shoes?
You want my shoes?
Yeah.
Alex will give you his shoes if you do one of the following -
deposit £100 in his bank account,
give him a perfect dippy boiled egg with buttered soldiers
and a glass of milk,
physically remove them.
How's it going, Frankie?
Well, I took an assessment of my bowling ability,
and I thought, "Time to make me some gold shoes."
LAUGHTER
You know, it's not terrible.
HE PANTS
HE SIGHS
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Come on!
Argh! AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You bashed the bell. Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What was your...plan when you were rolling up the green?
You were sort of pawing at Alex like a cartoon cat in a...
I thought I could wrestle him to the ground and take his shoes.
LAUGHTER
I didn't expect to see Frankie Boyle
creeping across a green with two swing-ball bats.
LAUGHTER
Swing-ball bats or golden snow shoes?
LAUGHTER
Yellow. Yellow. We all know it's not gold.
It's yellow. Yellow.
Well, what is gold?
"Gold is a deep lustrous yellow or yellow-brown colour.”
That was neither.
Only the fastest and the slowest get the points here,
and it's interesting.
Mae, of course, two minutes 57. Jenny, three minutes 40.
That's not relevant now, Jenny,
because Frankie, six minutes 50 is the slowest,
Kiell, three minutes 45, so also not relevant.
Oh! Frankie one end, Mae the other,
if we allow the gorgeous golden shoes on Frankie's feet.
LAUGHTER
We'll carry on the gold/yellow debate after the break.
Right. Nearly there. Only one part to go.
A task to be finished, the studio task, and then a winner -
a winner of nanny's dental pod. LAUGHTER
That's Taskmaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to the last part of tonight's show.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, Alex,
but isn't there still a big bell to be bashed will a bowling ball?
Ooh, bang-on, big boy. LAUGHTER
But they can't walk on the grass unless they're wearing golden shoes.
We've isolated one player... or should I say Ivo-lated?
It's Mr Graham again. Here we go.
What if it doesn't come back?
LAUGHTER
You can't live your life like that.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Oh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What now, Ivo?
I've got to leave the complex, really.
No, I've got to get the gold shoes. Ah, OK.
Can I wear those gold shoes?
Thank you very much. Pleasure.
"Alex will give you his shoes if you do one of the following -
"deposit £100 in his bank account,
"give him a perfect dippy boiled egg
"with buttered soldiers and a glass of milk,
"physically remove them."
LAUGHTER
Yes, the egg isn't totally submerged.
LAUGHTER
He's not got long. Seven minutes.
Oh, this is disgusting.
What I'm doing is disgusting.
LAUGHTER
Good...for an omelette. It's cost another four minutes.
The stench of failure hangs over this task.
Failure and egg.
Two minutes left.
Another big moment now.
Yes, beautiful.
Ivo.
Hello, Alex.
Oh, lovely.
LAUGHTER
30 seconds. I've lured you with a bad egg.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was my milk.
It's my milk now. LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Was that always your plan, just to attack him when he came near?
My... I didn't really have a plan.
I did want to commit some sort of physical assault,
but I was also seduced by the romance of trying
to cook the perfect dippy egg. LAUGHTER
It did take him about 17 minutes to boil an eqg,
but that's in your favour,
cos if you're the last person, you get four points. Slowest. Yeah.
And you did complete the task with 16 seconds to go.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Pretty neat stuff, actually. LAUGHTER
Well, then.
Well, then. Well, then.
So, it looks like Mae gets the five and Ivo gets the four.
Right. But it is worth doing one last check.
Remember, if anything touches the grass
other than golden shoes, you're disqualified.
"Your time starts now."
Can I have a look in the bath?
Well, you're not allowed to stand on the grass.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Don't step on the...
Ah!
What's happened?
Nothing.
LAUGHTER
Don't go on the grass!
Ah!
LAUGHTER
SHE LAUGHS
So close.
So close. So close.
HE LAUGHS
Ivo, you also put the podium on the grass.
Please don't take my four points
with three other people getting zero away from me.
LAUGHTER
The only things that went on the grass that were golden
were the shoe over here...
...and the shoes over here. LAUGHTER
I...I'm really throwing myself fully behind "yellow isn't gold" now.
LAUGHTER
What I would say is that if we disqualified Frankie,
then Mae is then both the fastest and the slowest
and will get nine points.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Frankie, I loved your gold shoes. LAUGHTER
Beautiful.
So, everyone's perfectly happy with the golden bats now, I presume?
Yeah, I love 'em. Love them. I'm not.
LAUGHTER
Sorry, Mae. I'm going to allow it. OK. There you go.
Congratulations.
Frankie, you get four points. Mae Martin, another five points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's have a look at the scores.
Mae's on 16 and Frankie's on 15.
Hey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, will you please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Who's going to read the task out, Alex?
Ivo Graham is going to read the task out.
"Walk around the chairs listening to Greg's story.
"Then sit on a chair when you hear a word containing two letter Ls."
KIELL EXHALES SHARPLY
“If you stop walking or touch a chair incorrectly,
"you are disqualified.
"If you fail to sit on a chair when you hear a word
"containing two letter Ls, you are disqualified.
"Best listener wins."
So, it's basically going to be like musical chairs,
but instead of music,
it's going to be Greg reading a story to you.
There are four stories,
and each story will have a different rule.
So, it's two Ls in the first story.
Aw, man.
LAUGHTER
Please read the first story and walk when he talks.
"The sun was setting.
"The light was magical
"and the water lapped at the shore of the lake.
"'Right,' said Greg.
"'Get your clothes off. You're going in.'
"'I don't want to,' said the scrawny, sausage-shaped man.
"I need you to retrieve the stone I just threw in,'
"whispered Greg, noisily.
“It's one of my favourite stones, I think.'
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
"And so..."
LAUGHTER
" little Alex Horne.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
You did that very badly. Very, very badly.
LAUGHTER
Kiell first struck a chair, so was pretty much disqualified,
and then just walked over to me. LAUGHTER
Greg, what's the rule for the next story?
The next story, you should sit down when you hear a word
with a U in it.
Off we go. Story two.
“In the morning, I like to have a pot of coffee
"and a slice of cake.
“Little Alex Horne brings them in when I ring my little bell.
"I let him wear his yellow cape if he is a very lucky boy."
AUDIENCE: Oh!
LAUGHTER
Frankie Boyle shoulder-barging Jenny Eclair.
LAUGHTER
Are you OK, Jenny?
I can't believe that happened.
Can we remove a chair?
Yeah, fuck this.
LAUGHTER
This time, you should sit down
when you hear a word that starts and ends
with the same letter.
"These are the closing rules
"the Taskmaster expects those around him to adhere to
"at all times.
"One, the shirt should be tucked in
“really tucked in.
"Right in! Two..."
LAUGHTER
I mean, Ivo was following,
but there was no words there that started and ended
with the same letter.
We've lost Frankie Boyle.
Frankie, you've lost it. APPLAUSE
As soon as the Boyle bottom went, mine was swiftly following.
LAUGHTER
This is the final, Greg.
Right, this time, you should sit down
when you hear a six-letter word.
Are you ready? Yeah. OK.
"I don't remember much about that fateful night.
"It was cold.
"The moon was full, I know that.
"I'm not an idiot.
"And I can't be held responsible for the terrible accident
"that happened to little Alex Horne."
AUDIENCE: Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We have a winner. "Little" has got six letters.
Do you want to come down here
and we'll see how that's affected the final scores?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Ah! Very good.
Well, that was exciting, I thought.
Yes. Kiell was the worst listener.
But the best was Mae Martin, with five points,
and that does mean this episode has been won by Mae Martin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Again! 21 points.
There we go.
Mae Martin wins.
Please go and bag your bathroom bootie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What have we learned today?
If you ever find yourself lying in bed alone
and you get a pleasant feeling that you maybe haven't felt
for a long time, relax.
It's good news.
Salvatore lived,
and you're about to get your body rocked.
LAUGHTER
Please clap once again for the winner of tonight's show.
It's Mae Martin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media