This programme contains strong language and adult humour
BELL RINGS Good evening.
Ahh! SLURPS LOUDLY
Argh! Ah!
HE VOCALISES
I trained at RADA.
What have I created?!
So sorry.
How we laughed.
Ah!
Huh?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello!
Hello, everybody, and welcome to Taskmaster.
It's a brand-new series, and I am a brand-new Greg Davies.
"Why, what's that, Greg? Have you been working out?"
Of course I haven't.
I've just started the inevitable age-related slide towards
more indefensible right-wing views.
And selfishness.
If this carries on, at this rate, this show will be run by
a fat Jacob Rees-Mogg.
As if things weren't sexy enough round here.
LAUGHTER Mm!
So, what of our latest crop of contestants?
Well, I'm not one to judge people I don't know yet,
but gut instinct and on-set gossip tell me that three of the five
will be eye-wateringly bad at this.
And with those sort of statistics to whet your appetite,
let's not waste any more time.
Please welcome Julian Clary... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Lucy Beaumont... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Sam Campbell... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Sue Perkins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Susan Wokoma! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We all know the following slogans - "just do it,"
"always the real thing,"
"I'm loving it."
The most enduring brands all have one,
so why shouldn't he?
Please welcome friendless oddball...
HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Greg. Hello, there.
Are you hungry? I'm really hungry. What have you bought for me?
Hm, well, I think you like canapes, am I right? I love canapes.
Oh, they're so small and delicious, aren't they?
Oh, my God. Pop 'em in. Ah, well, here they are.
Here we go. Canapes!
Small and delicious. LAUGHTER
Oh!
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
APPLAUSE
Right, onwards!
What's the first prize task, Alex?
Well, I think it's fair to say we're all in for a bit of laugh,
because you asked them to bring in
the most wonderful wooden thing that they've owned for a while.
Bonkers.
The wooden thing Greg deems is the most wonderful will get 5 points
to jump-start their series and, at the end of the episode,
the winner will take home five wonderful wooden things
to show all their friends and families, or burn.
All right, Julian Clary, hello.
Hello, there. How are you?
I'm bearing up under the strain, thank you. Perfect!
Erm, what wooden thing have you brought in for me, Julian?
I've brought in a wooden table that I once had commissioned.
Here is his wooden table.
LAUGHTER
And we're off. Yes.
Start as we mean to go on.
My friend was married to a furniture maker,
and I suggested what I would like,
and he made it.
About 30 years ago, I think.
And now, you think you've, what, outgrown it?
Well, it was hard to part with.
But I thought it might win me a point.
LAUGHTER
What have you brought us, Lucy Beaumont?
It's a wooden picture of a boxer dog.
AUDIENCE AWWS
It's not a wooden picture of a boxer dog,
it's a picture of a boxer dog in a wooden frame.
Er, no, y-you're wrong, erm,
because it's possessed.
LAUGHTER
By - sorry, you obviously misheard me.
Why is it possessed?
Because, in the house we lived in,
basically I got into bed, er,
I was just about to fall asleep,
and what felt like a boxer dog got in bed with me.
And obviously, we don't have a dog, but I could...
I felt, I could feel...
It's a very specific feeling.
Yeah, it is. Yeah.
For you to the breed of dog.
Because of its limbs, and then,
when he converted the garage, we found that.
LAUGHTER
Are you genuinely claiming that you felt the spirit of a boxer dog
climb into bed with you? When...
And then, you found this picture? Yeah.
Right. LAUGHTER
Sam, what have you brought us?
A Pinocchiooooo.
LAUGHTER Would you...?
Would you like to see Sam's Pinocchio?
I'd like to enjoy his pronunciation one more time.
It's a Pinocchiooo!
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Oh! That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
But everything is long, except the nose.
Oh, I see.
Wh-Why? Why? LAUGHTER
He's never lied, this guy.
It's when other people lie to him.
It's a great tragedy, in a way.
I've heard enough. You've heard enough? Yeah.
I mean, it's insane, innit? It's insane.
Hm. Sue, hello.
I've bought, erm, an original piece of art painted by Henry,
the liberated chimpanzee.
Here we go. Ah. Wow.
That's mixed media. Erm...
..acrylic, wood, banana puree.
LAUGHTER
So, I went to a chimp sanctuary... Yeah. ..where all the chimps
had been sadly experimented on,
but they'd been released into this beautiful,
sort of, forest environment.
And the boys had never met girls before.
And there was an introduction day.
And all I can describe is...
..sex-gedden.
So, the chimpanzees ran at each other with real, real need.
Apart from Henry, who just climbed...top of a pole,
and he stayed there, and later, when I'd left the sanctuary,
they sent me this. It's signed at the back.
So, if I've got this right, you observed a monkey orgy...
Yes! A morgy, yes.
A morgy.Yeah. LAUGHTER
One of the monkeys wasn't interested in the morgy.
Er, he climbed a stick, looked lonely,
he painted you a picture. Yes, he did.
Weirdly, ever since I've had it,
every night when I get into bed, I feel...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, incredibly, more believable
than the spirit of a boxer dog.
LAUGHTER
Susan, welcome.
Hi. What wooden thing have you brought me?
A wind chime.
It's not haunted!
There it is.
It's not really wooden, though. Erm, yes.
I mean, to be fair, it seems more shell-based.
Talk us through your wind chime.
I went to have a look at a volcano in Costa Rica.
And when I saw the volcano, I thought it was really beautiful,
and so I started crying.
And then, this lovely lady came up to me, and she said,
"Why are you crying?"
And I said, "Because this is really beautiful."
And she went, "Well, then, you can take something with you."
And she pulled out this wind chime, and she gave it to me.
Oh, God. And then, I looked in the gift shop, and she'd just
basically bought it and was trying to palm it off.
LAUGHTER Wow.Mm-hm.
It's quite a sweet story.
Unfortunately, it's an awful object.
It's fairly easy to score this, isn't it?
Sorry, Lucy, it was an enchanting story, but I don't want that.
So, I'm only giving you 1 point.
1 point to you. Yeah. Well done, Lucy.
And you can get 2 points, and thank you me for them.
OK. Thank you.
What do I want? I'm quite frightened of yours, Sam.
I'm giving it 3 points, and I think, just cos it's such a big,
heavy bum table, it has to take the 5 points. OK.
So, 4 to Sue, 5 to Julian, there it is. Well done, Julian.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right, let's see them in action.
What's first, please, little Alex Horne?
Well, Greg Davies, we start with a canny little task.
Ooh!
Hello?
Oh, it's you. Hi.
This is the living room, and that is Greg Davies.
Don't look... Don't look him in the eye. Thank you. Yeah.
Hi. Hi, Julian, I'm Alex.
Sam Campbell.
Do you think anyone's going to find the secret task?
I don't know about that.
I was just wondering, do you think anyone's going to
find the secret task this series?
I don't know. Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Not me. No? No.
They look lovely like that.
Why do they bother putting labels on them?
Ah.
"Build a tower out of the cans in the lab.
"You must" - oh, for g... oh, what? Ah!
"You must put on your blindfold in this room,
"and wear it properly for the rest of the task.
"Tallest tower wins.
"You have five minutes.
"Your time starts now."
Where's the blindfold?
In the can.
Can you get a can of blindfold?
Yeah.
LUCY: Is it in the can? Oh!
Where do you buy blindfolds in cans from?
So, the... What's this?
LAUGHTER
OK. Can you see anything, Sam?
Nah. Sam? What's up?
Great.
You've now only got four-and-a-half minutes.
What?! No!
"Five minutes!" Oh, yeah, it did say five minutes.
See you later. Bye!
No, no, no, no. You've gotta put it on this room.
Huh?
Leave the room now?
That's not a door.
Well, the door was here.
What is that? It's quite sharp.
No, the door's there. Door's still there. What's that?
Goes further... Ah!
Yeah, that's a whole minute gone now.
Here it is. And off we go.
There's a little door.
Erm, just a reminder to everyone,
the task was not, "Get out of this room."
Julian, you seemed to have a sizzling contempt for Alex
I detected early on. Oh, really?
Well, yes. Yeah.
It sort of evolved, but I mean, he's ever so nice, really.
But he does grate, you're right. Oh.
Er, and Susan, I felt quite sorry for initially,
because she seemed quite defeatist.
She went, "Who'll find the secret task? Not me."
And I thought, "Don't be so negative. Be positive.
"Talk yourself up" - and then, I watched the rest of the video,
I thought, "No, it won't be you." LAUGHTER
OK, we're going to start by seeing these two people,
Lucy Beaumont and Susan Wokoma!
It's not something you want to do fast, is it, really? Cos...
..you don't want to be injured.
Why does the corridor feel like it's getting narrower?
It's like a nightmare.
Oh, Christ. Oh, yeah, here we are.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
This is the door! The door.
Oh, Christ. Oh, yeah, here we are.
What was that?
Are you meant to be leading me - oh!
Ahh!
I think...I think there was a tower there, you know?
Fine! Fine, fine, fine.
Still got two minutes.
Alex. Yes? Where are you? I'm just here.
One minute left.
Why...! These are not sufficient.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Do I have to build these from scratch?
All the information's on the... Oh, for Go...!
I don't - well, I can't read it, can I?
That's fine.
You've got 30 seconds. Yeah.
Ten seconds, Lucy.
Do you know what I feel?
Five seconds left. Should stop there.
Are you sure? Yeah, I feel like I'm going to ruin it.
Are you going to do it, or not?
No.
WHISTLE BLOWS
OK. I'll measure the tower.
You can leave now.
APPLAUSE
Erm, Lucy, how did you feel watching that?
I don't know what you give points for, you know, you might...
Oh, in this case, it's for how high the stack of cans is.
Just how high. Yeah. Yeah, and you measure it, yeah, yeah.
Do you remember what you said when you were ineffectually putting
one can on top of each other, and they kept falling off?
Cos I've written it down. Yeah.
Erm, you said, "These are not sufficient."
She is the winner so far, she... She is the winner so far.
11 cans high, and I've given Lucy a six-can tower.
Is that cos there were six cans left standing from the tower
that she knocked down? That she made.
How did she make it? By knocking it down.
Right, now for a smidge of Julian Clary,
and a smudge of Sam Campbell.
So, I take this can with me?
Yes.
Oh, am I...? Oh, shit.
Oh... AUDIENCE OOHS
Oh, shit.
This is bullshit, dude.
Pardon? Nothing.
I've never felt such high things.
Whoa! What the heck...wait.
OK.
APPLAUSE
Stop the clock.
Well, it doesn't have that function, we have to wait.
OK. I'm just going to lie down.
I'm tempted just to leave it...
..cos I'm going to make it worse, aren't I?
Oh, going again?
Oh.
I expect you're enjoying this, are you?
HE CHUCKLES Ten seconds.
Five seconds left. Five seconds.
WHISTLE BLOWS There we are.Oh.
Wow, that was a roller-coaster.
But the... The game's over?
Do, er, you put - do you want me to...?
Yeah, thank you.
Sorry.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow, things are starting to hot up now. Ooh.
What I found intriguing, Julian, is that when some cans fell off,
virtually no emotional response from you.
Ah, you'll find as the series go along,
there's very little emotion from me.
Zero emotional response from you.
You curled up in the foetal position.
I thought if I got really low, the tower would be even higher.
LAUGHTER
If only that's the way the world worked.
Right, it's time to honour the passing of part one.
Alex, please. Mm-hm.
PLAYS SINGLE NOTE
PLAYS HIGHER NOTE
PLAYS TRADITIONAL OUTRO
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! And welcome back to the first episode of
this fresh new series.
Mm, yes. I think this is the freshest I've ever felt, Greg.
And my secret - wet wipes everywhere.
Everywhere. LAUGHTER
But back to the task -
they're trying to stack cans whilst blindfolded.
There have been some disasters and some successes.
Now finally, some Sue Perkinses.
You went a little bit too far there.
Yes, I could feel my buttocks have made contact with something
that possibly they shouldn't.
SHE LAUGHS
I'm advancing. You're doing very well.
You're not in any danger.
You'll just bump into something...
You've just bumped into something.
Oh, it's OK. So, I'm just going to - do I have to...?
What an absolute shower of shits you are.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Is there an existing tower?
I can't answer your question.
SHE SIGHS This is...
Because if I...
I've just answered that question. Yes, you have. Yeah.
Is there another tower?
I can't answer your question.
Once again, I've found the a...
Is there a tower here? You've got 32 seconds left.
Is there a tower here? WHISTLE BLOWS
Sue. Yes? Sue, your time is up.
Do you mind just holding steady, so I can have a look at your tower?
Oh, I see. Would you mind just...?
I hope you counted it quickly, cos it's just...
Mm, is it a self-standing tower?
Some of it's self-supporting. Yeah.
Well, not self-supporting, it's supporting by my groin.
Which is structurally unsound increasingly.
I'm looking up at you, but I don't know where you are.
But just, in my mind's eye, you're over there, just up here somewhere.
Has he gone? He's gone, hasn't he?
He's gone.
OK. APPLAUSE
You started off with almost military confidence, I felt.
Yes. There was a lot of quite cocky corridor energy.
I really wanted to follow you into battle at that point.
Don't, is my advice... No, I shan't. ..now you've seen.
You also quoted the Bible. Erm... Oh, I missed that.
Er, "You absolute shower of shits," that's Book of Revelations.
LAUGHTER
Did she make a tower in her lap?
I think we have to say, it has to be a free-standing tower, I think.
So, it's one, then. One can tall. Yeah.
Sue, er, gets 1 point.
2 points to Lucy, with six cans.
Susan gets 3 points. 4 to Julian.
5 points to Sam Campbell!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
Well, hm, should we have a quick look at a scoreboard, then?
We can, Julian's in the lead, with 9 points! Yay!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done, Julian.
Right, I believe the people want more tasks, Alex.
I also want more tasks,
and world peace, and equal rights for personal assistants,
but for now, it's the first team task of the series.
AUDIENCE OOHS
Good morning. Good morning.
Hello, Susan. You all right?
Please, could you stand behind the white box?
I've put all your favourite things in it.
We're talking a carabiner.
We're talking rubber bands.
Heavy-duty clips.
Zip ties.
Harnesses.
Jockey straps.
Absolute smorgasbord for a kidnapper.
"A smorgasbord for a kidnapper."
Oh, my God.
Hello.
LAUGHTER
Hello.
SUSAN: Massive rope.
We've got these things, which is normally done in crime.
I think you know everything's here now. Yeah.
OK, off you go.
SHE MOUTHS
Ahh! THEY LAUGH
You all right? I'll come and give you a hu...
Am I allowed, is that...? Yeah.
Hey! THEY GIGGLE
JULIAN: Hello. SAM: Nice to see you.
You guys are part of a team.
Oh, great.
OK. No "hellos" or anything, just straight on with it.
Oh, yes.
You are now a team.
BOTH CHEER
Yay! I'm really glad!
You may open the task.
Ooh. Oh, wow.
Oh, hello, Lucy. SHE MOUTHS
This is Sam and Julian. This is Lucy. Hiya.
How's it going? WHISPERS: You all right?
Lucy's also in your team. FLATLY: Oh, great.
Come and join us.
WHISPERS: I've not seen you before. I know.
All right? Yes, I'm so happy.
OK. OK! Ahh!
JULIAN: "Connect the most individual parts of one person...
.."To individual parts of another person.
"All members of your team must be connected."
What? Oh-ho-ho!
Ooh, gone rather Marquis de Sade.
This is, what...? OK, "You've got ten minutes.
JULIAN: "Your time starts now."
Alex, there are bulldog clips here. And we're ladies.
Yeah, where's that going to go? What's wrong with you?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I found the arrival of everyone individually, er,
some of the most awkward television I've ever seen in my life.
At one point, Lucy said, "I've not seen you before."
And Julian replied, "I know."
Look at the way these two greeted each other, like -
I hope this isn't offensive - old-school village idiots.
And then, the nipple clamps came out.
LAUGHTER
OK, well, shall we start with the two people with the same name?
It's the team known as the Sues!
Hang on, let's see how...
I think you might, er, well...
That's so painful! OK.
You can use your clothes.
So, it doesn't have to be skin? It doesn't need to be skin-on-skin.
Cos that looks like that would rip skin.
First up, shall we have your right arm, my left arm?
Let's connect those to start. Yeah. OK.
Going to have to stand quite close.
Wrap this round your right hand. OK, my right.
So, we'll be facing each other in the end. All right, got it.
Let's cut that. OK, right, like, where do you want me to cut?
Just anywhere there. OK. Just not through the hand.
Feel like I've achieved something. Oh, I think we cut...
Oh. Aha! I did wonder!
Right, you had one job. That was like a magic trick. OK.
You've got two minutes left.
I've got a bit of give here.
Is gut - is gut a body part?
One of the best.
Very nice to meet you, by the way.
I mean, I don't meet people often like this but... Yeah.
..I mean, as an ice-breaker, wonderful, isn't it?
Ooh! If you just... Yeah.
WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, just going to check the connections.
So, we've got neck, wrist...
Yeah. Boobs.
..other wrists, boobs, er, gut,
ankle, foot. OK, I think I've got all your connections.
Er, that's just a...
Just for you, as well.
AUDIENCE OOHS How are you going to open that?
There's more? Oh, there's more.
OK. Got it?
Oh, for goodness' sake.
APPLAUSE
Was there much of a system, do you think?
I think it was mainly panic, rather than process-driven.
But you were gut-to-gut, boob-to-boob. Boob-to-boob.
You didn't like saying "boob," I noticed. Made me laugh.
No, but I thought it a lot that night. Yeah, I bet you did.
LAUGHTER
There were 12 connections altogether,
but that wasn't the task.
We don't know what the actual task is yet. No.
Show me the natural friends.
LAUGHTER OK.
When chemistry explodes.
Here come the natural friends, also known as JLS -
Julian, Lucy, and Sam!
Can I say my pitch? Mm-hm.
Chop off a little bit of everyone's hair, put it in, you know...
Mm-hm. I don't mind doing that,
because my daughter put a Fruitella, you know, in my hair.
And I can't get it out. Er, and I keep getting other thi...
I've got a bit of cotton wool stuck it in, as well.
So, I'm really happy to cut off all that, if you want.
We haven't got any scissors, though. They're in here.
We could use a saw. Oh, there is, yeah.
Are you happy to lose some strands?
Well, only a little bit. Yeah, yeah, same from the back.
Do you want to just cut it off, then?
You're totally sure? I think so.
Definitely do this. Just as low down as you c...
Oh.
You're not having that much of my hair. Oh, gosh.
Can you take a tiny bit of mine?
Mine's, I'm not being funny, quite a nice cut?
If I do it sort of in the middle, then you won't,
you can cover it with the other bits.
OK, hang on... Ooh.
Oh, shriek.
Oh!
I'm going to cut Sam's hair.
Open sesame.
Shall all we hold it?
That's pretty good, I reckon.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Need to inspect the connections, and I'll give you...that.
Oh, this is a second part? Yeah.
"You're now ready for the actual task.
"Cross the finish line with all connections still connected.
"Fastest wins.
"Your time starts when Alex
"blows...his...whistle."
WHISTLE BLOWS OK.
Yay!
SLOW-MOTION DISTORTED: Yay!
APPLAUSE
Great, I'll go and count these, you can go inside. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.
HE SNIFFS
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.
Well, there you go, that's what this show does,
it brings people together quickly.
First of all, I think the idea is brilliant.
It was Sam's idea, right? What have you got more of than hair?
Could've done it with blood.
Could've done it with bits of our blood.
Oh, well next time.
LAUGHTER
Cos you say all this stuff, you know,
"oh, the unnatural friendship," or whatever but,
I think it helped, like...
Do you know that boys that got stuck in the cave? Yeah.
Wow. The divers that saved them, they were like all people, like,
they were like, "Did you feel anything?"
They go, "Nothing." They're clinical guys.
But they're capable of just amazing things.
Did they swap hair?
They didn't swap hair, they just do this diving.
And they're not like bubbly personalities, no offence.
But they... LAUGHTER
They saved those boys, man. They did.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Breaktime again. Bye-bye, bum-bums!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster!
Yes, there's a classic two-part team task in play.
They had to connect the most individual parts of one person
to the most individual parts of another,
but didn't know they'd then be asked to race across
the finishing line still connected.
That didn't matter for the team of three,
with their cunning hair play.
But what about the team of Sues?
Well...good luck, here we go. THEY LAUGH
"You are now ready for the actual task."
You shit giblet. LAUGHTER
OK, well, good luck.
I'm going to... OK. Shall we move the inside...?
Here we go! WHISTLE BLOWS
..or the outside legs? Yeah.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, dear. That step's going to be interesting. Yeah.
One, two, three. Three.
Ooh, hello! Oh, my knee's gone!
Oh, yeah.
I'm dragging the box. The box is coming with us.
Let's go. Come on, boxy!
Right, I'm going inside leg, outside leg. OK, OK.
Ah! Inside... Ah! ..outside.
Inside... Ooh! ..outside.
That's pulling quite heavily on the groin. It is - on the groin?
It's all good. OK.
The box is still attached!
STRAINING LOUDLY
Glory photo finish! Yay!
SLOW-MOTION DISTORTED! Yay!
You made it!
APPLAUSE
I mean, it looked painful, and you did at some point, Sue,
say, "This is pulling quite heavily on the groin." Yeah.
I enjoyed you calling him a "shit giblet," though. Very nice.
That's actually from King Lear. Cordelia said that. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
But you did make it across the line, and that's to be celebrated.
They did make it across the line. We don't know who's won yet, Greg.
We do. We do. We do. We do.
We know some by margin, but you know,
if you want to build it up... Yeah. "Ooh, who has won?"
Oh, it was these guys, easily, by miles. Yeah.
Yeah, the team of three crossed the line in 11.5 seconds.
Team of two, just over 90 seconds.
OK. OK.
So, I'll give 5 points to these three, and I'll give 2 points...
WHISPERS: Five points! ..to these two. Fair enough.
Thank you very much. So, it's 5 points to the team of three!
There we are. They're the winners. APPLAUSE
And I would like to have another fine task, if you please.
And, to really spoil you, here's our first location task.
Oh, hello. Hello.
Hello, Sam. Come through.
Watch out, watch out for the duck.
It's the only sport I'm good at.
What do you mean? Hook a duck.
A sport? Well, you know.
It's the only thing I was good at as a kid.
How good were you at it?
I used to be able to hoo-hoo-hook the ducks.
Oh, well that is good. Yeah.
"Get the duck into the lake."
JULIAN: "Get the duck into the lake."
EERIE MUSIC
"Get this duck into the lake.
"You must not touch the beak.
SUSAN: "If the duck leaves the course, it must re-enter at
"the point it left the course.
"If your duck touches the boundary...
SAM: .."Or a flamingo...
SUE: .."Or a pineapple...
JULIAN: .."One minute will be added to your time.
"Or a flamingo?" Bloody hell.
It's all go, innit?
SUE: "Fastest wins.
"Your time starts now."
Thank you very much. Pleasure, good luck.
OK thanks.
APPLAUSE
Lucy, tell me about the hook-a-duck?
It was something you were genuinely good at.
Yeah, I wasn't very sporty, you know, cos I did...
I wasn't either. But you've got legs, haven't you?
I've got legs. And I have, but they're...
I've got legs for miles, baby.
LAUGHTER
I think my legs are actually arms without fingers.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
They fold up, you know, they fold, like,
I can cross my legs really well.
You think you've got four sets of arms?
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I've not had it proven but...
What do you mean - I'm sorry...
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
What do you mean you can really fold them well, your legs?
Mine fold like arms.
With feet, I've got feet. Yeah.
I'm not complaining. No.
We have to carry on with the show, Greg. I don't...
We do have to.
The first names on the bill are Sue, Sam, and Lucy.
Well, you can't touch the flamingo.
Yeah, or the beak.
Don't touch the beak.
Yeah, so watch out for the flamingos and, yeah.
Oh-ho! It's touched that one.
Yeah, it's sort of left. Is that all right?
Yeah, you're meant to stay on the course ideally, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, if I don't do this,
it's going to constantly touch the boundary.
Make this as wide as possible.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
So sorry, I've cut you in half, love.
Argh!
I'm just thinking, is there another way to do it, but...?
Come on, little ducky.
It's actually quite relaxing.
Has it touched anything yet?
SAM: It's touched everything!
Right darling. Let's get you into your natural habitat.
I've stopped the clock.
Did it touch the boundary?
Yeah. How many times?
About 12? LAUGHTER
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
Sue moved the boundary. Hm.
Lateral thinking. Yes.
She moved the obstacles out of the way.
Mm-hm, lateral thinking, yeah.
Lateral thinking was allowed, was allowed.
How does that make you two feel?
Angry. Then disappointed,
because, no offence to you, Sue, cos I like you a lot, actually,
But it doesn't say you can do that.
I mean, if you went through life just always moving the boundaries,
you know, like a 70mph, it doesn't say don't go at 90mph.
LAUGHTER It does.It literally does.
Feel it's a difference between
a light entertainment comedy format and the law.
And a well-established British law.
So, do you mean for, like, all these, you can just
change the rules?
I haven't changed the rules on any of these things!
My feeling is, in terms of avoiding the things that would penalise you,
you did it very badly. Hm.
And the size of the duck also affected play. Yeah.
It was a big duck.
Well, look, Sam did it in two minutes, 20.
Lucy, two minutes, 44 - which is great, but then,
she only hit ten things, but that's an extra ten minutes.
And Sam hit nine things, so it's an extra nine minutes.
Sue, nine minutes, 45 -
so seven-and-a-half minutes slower than Sam.
But she didn't touch anything,
so she actually beat him by a minute-and-a-half.
Good, OK. Break time.
Who will take home Julian's old wooden bum table,
and Sam's horrific Pinocchiooo?
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, welcome back!
You join us for the final part of the show.
Yes, it's nearly bedtime, but we still need to see two people
pushing giant ducks towards a pond.
So, finally, let's gander at Julian and Susan.
Right, then. I mustn't touch the beak.
Oh, definitely not.
There's not really any other bits.
Oh, actually, hang on.
If the beak's facing me, I know I'm going to touch it.
That's a big girl, innit?
Come on.
Come on, girl! Ah!
Ooh.
JULIAN EXHALES
I think you clipped one flamingo.
I think it was the wind.
Oh, was it? Right, OK, I'll put that down.
Come on, girl!
I'm nearly there.
It'd be lovely if it goes in on his bottom.
Well, there was nothing in the rules about that.
No, that's true.
Ahh! This is going to be so satisfying!
Yeah! SHE LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Bye!
Why's he doing that?
I think he's getting excited.
I've stopped the clock.
Sorry he's on his side,
but that's how it happens.
APPLAUSE
Well, Julian's was quite a haphazard technique, wasn't it?
Well, it was quite hard work for, you know, an ageing homosexual.
LAUGHTER
Julian slid and bounced it there in four minutes, 15,
with just a two-minute penalty, so 6:15 - he's in the lead.
Susan. Hi.
You said, and I quote,
"If the beak faces me, I know I'm going to touch it."
Is that a compulsive disorder of some kind?
That's just me being absolutely aware of my limitations.
And beak-touching is one of them?
Honestly, just keep a beak away from me.
LAUGHTER
Halfway along the duck drag,
you turned into a character from EastEnders.
And started repeatedly saying, "Come on, girl."
I mean my impression is that Susan did brilliantly there and...
She did. ..is going to be the victor.
No punishments at all. Three minutes, 20.
Absolutely smashed it.
However... Uh-oh. Oh.
Oh, come on, girl!
LAUGHTER
You've done me up like a kipper, you slag.
Remember the rule about the not touching the beak?
I have to show you this extra little video, here we go.
Ohh.
I mustn't touch the beak. Oh, definitely not.
BUZZER
I might've touched the beak.
Erm, yeah Lucy you've just exited the course, I'm afraid.
Don't touch the beak. Don't touch the beak?
BUZZER
Ah, shit.
Which means that, because of that, Sam actually gets 3 points.
It's 4 points to Sue, but it's 5 points to Susan Wokoma!
There it is! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
May I see the scores before the studio task, please?
The leader is Sam at the moment, with 16 points.
Wow! APPLAUSE
Right, for the first time this series,
would you please make your way to the stage for
the final task of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, young fellow m'lad.
Who will be reading the final task out?
Susan Wokoma, please.
"Say whether you think the next item is heavier or lighter
"than the previous item.
"If you are wrong, you are eliminated.
"Last person standing wins."
So, I'll go over to the other end. Goodbye.
Julian, eight loo rolls.
Heavier or lighter than one large duck?
Oh, we could play this at home, couldn't we? I know.
Lighter.
You're saying the duck is heavier than the loo rolls.
Oh, I'm going to get the audience to go "whoo". Oh, yes.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
OK. Let's find out.
Remember, if it's heavier, the duck will go down.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE OOHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Correct! Julian survives.
We now move on to Lucy Beaumont. Oh, God.
Pineapple - heavier or lighter than duck?
Well, that's heavier, isn't it? Oh, yes, it is.
Heavier than a duck, you say.
AUDIENCE OOHS
CHEERING
Hello, Sam. Welly? Oh.
Heavier or lighter than a pineapple? Oh, that's a tricky one.
Can I ask questions? You can ask me one.
Are you a child of divorce?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
He's used up his question.
So, heavier or lighter?
I think wellington, heavier than a pine...apple.
He says it's heavier. Let's find out.
AUDIENCE OOHS
CHEERING
Heavy wellies. Sue, welly...or flour?
Flour. Flour heavier.
Can I just say, before you pull that out obviously?
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Ohh!
One wellington, more than 1.5kg?
You have to now hold the one to indicate that you're out.
It's quite heavy. Oh, it is very...
You utter shit.
LAUGHTER
No thank you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, it's your turn, Susan.
Is the bell heavier than the flour?
Erm...Sue, I'll give you permission to put that down, if you like.
LOUD THUD
OK. I'm going to say the bell.
The bell's heavier than the flour, let's see.
Audience noise.
AUDIENCE OOHS
Shit. Susan's out.
So, we're back to you, Julian. OK.
It's candlestick time.
Heavier or lighter than the bell?
Lighter.
It was a quick answer.
Hm, mercifully quick, some would say. Yeah.
AUDIENCE OOHS
What do I have to do now? I-I'm out? Yeah, you're out.
You're out, yeah. But you get the bell. Oh, well.
Be still, my beating heart.
LAUGHTER
It's Lucy versus Sam.
I guess. And we're moving on to the teddy.
Heavier or lighter than the candlestick?
Think that's heavier.
The candle's heavier? Pull the stick. Yeah.
Oh, sh... No! You can see it's not.
Oh, bastard. AUDIENCE OOHS
We've lost Lucy.
However, Sam still has to get one right to win the task,
cos so far, he's only got one.
So, this is a big moment.
Good luck, Sam.
It's teddy versus leaf blower. Oh! Oh, my God.
You know it's a heavy teddy.
You're going to say I'm crazy for this one,
but I think they have equal weight.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You can change your mind,
if you want to make everything easier.
Teddy, teddy, teddy, teddy.
The teddy's heavier?
Yeah, yeah, it's heavy. It's really heavy, yeah.
LAUGHTER
If the leaf blower is lighter than the teddy,
then Sam Campbell will win the task outright.
Oh, my God.
Come on. Oh, my God.
AUDIENCE OOHS
ECSTATIC CHEERING
YOU MADE ME CHANGE IT!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was so good. That was... That's good.
Much, much heavier in the end.
LAUGHTER
We'll add it to the final scores, please come and join me.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, that was exciting, wasn't it?
Yes, it meant Sue and Susan didn't get any right.
They came joint fourth, so they get 2 points each,
and we have three people who won the task, even though they only
got one thing right, they get 5 points each.
So, that's Julian and Lucy, and Sam. All won the task!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the winner of the first show of the series, with 21 points,
it's Sam Campbell!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sam Campbell wins!
Please, wander up to worship your wonderful wooden winnings!
CHEERING
What have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if you put a human being in a tricky situation,
they can be thoughtful, resourceful, and sometimes ingenious.
We've also learnt that some people think they've got arms
instead of legs. It's a funny old world, isn't it?
See you soon. But for now, please applaud the first winner
of the series, Sam Campbell!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media