This programme contains strong language and adult humour
BELL RINGS Good evening.
Argh! SLURPS LOUDLY
Argh! Ah!
HE VOCALISES
I trained at RADA.
What have I created?!
So sorry.
How we laughed.
Ahh!
Huh?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome! Welcome to Taskmaster.
I'm Greg Davies, and today, I've decided to take a break
from writing these introductions,
and let an AI bot have a go at it.
Here's what it came up with.
"Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.
"We have five comedians shaking in their boots,
"eager to please the Taskmaster."
Not bad so far.
It goes on to say, "Pathetic humans,
"soon you will all be slaves.
"You will work in our cobalt mines to provide the raw materials
"needed to expand our kind,
"then remote-controlled diggers will seal you and your fragile people
"beneath the earth.
"There will be no escape from the dark tomb,
"and humanity will fade to nothing!
"All hail the new kings!
"All hail the robots!"
Not bad at all.
Right, let's meet our contestants while we still have time.
Julian Clary... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Lucy Beaumont... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Sam Campbell... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Sue Perkins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Susan Wokoma! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, a man who once got dragged six miles across
open countryside by grabbing what he believed to be
a horse's fifth leg.
It's...
HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Hooorne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, tonight, I think you will genuinely be impressed by me.
OK. Cos I-I have got hold of...
I know you won't believe me, but I've got hold of a time machine.
A working time machine. DISAPPOINTEDLY: OK.
Do you want to see it? Yeah.
Here you go.
LAUGHTER
It tells you exactly what time it is.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
It goes - look, you can see,
it's changing as time goes on.
Want a satsuma?
Well, I-I do like a satsuma. OK.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Phew! On with the prize task.
All right, you are such a stupidly sexy man.
You know it. And the prize task category is
the best thing for grown-up that is meant for a child.
Ah. AUDIENCE OOHS
5 points will go to the best thing, and then, the grown-up who wins
the episode will take home five things meant for children, splat.
It's a thing that's supposed to be for a child that's
also good for an adult. Hello, Lucy.
Ah, it's...a b-urrp.
A burr? Buhr.
Buhr.
Be-ack. A beep-ap.
I feel like something's happened to me. Has something happened?
OK well, this is what Lucy's brought in.
LAUGHTER
Oh, a bib. It's a bib attached to a packed lunch box.
Have you created a bi-pack? Is that what you want to say?
Yeah, yeah. A bi-pack. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, that'll be more straightforward than a burh-ha.
Yeah, so it's for the person who wants to go on picnics...
Yeah. ..and then, if they drop something
wants to keep them droppings for later.
So, it's for the kind of person who might half-eat a pasty.
It's for a grazer. Grazer, a snacker. Yeah.
Welcome to bi-pack. LAUGHTER
Good. Hello, Julian. Hello.
Can you beat the bi-pack?
This'll cheer you up.
It's a book by Captain WE Johns,
intended for children,
but amuses me as a renowned homosexual.
LAUGHTER
Here is the book.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
What's Biggles taking rough?
Well, active service, I believe.
And...and he's taking it...
Rough. ..rough.
There are 100 Biggles books, about 100 -
and I'd say half of them are innuendo titles.
Er, by accident?
Biggles Gets His Men.
Biggles and The Dark Intruder.
The very first one was called The Camels are Coming,
I don't think that is... LAUGHTER
That was the first one.
That is very good. Susan.
Er, my item is a lava lamp.
And here it is. And here it is. In case you've never seen one.
Ah, it's a nice one. Although...
Looks like the sort of lamp that Biggles might have.
LAUGHTER
Children love it. Yeah.
But it also doubles as a Seasonal Affective Disorder lamp.
With the greatest of respect, there's not a medical professional
in the land who would say if you have Seasonal Affective Disorder,
you should seek out a lava lamp.
And I think you know that. No!
And I'll tell you this, I don't think a lava lamp...
It does! ..should be for a child.
Oh, no, that's true. Health and Safety has asked me to say...
Oh, my... ..they're not recommended for under-14s.
OK, but 15 is still a child, so bish, bash, bosh.
Oh, yeah, job's a good 'un. LAUGHTER
You've got me on a technicality.
Who's next? Sue. Ah, Sue.
So, something for a child that I've found works beautifully
for an adult - it is the simple nappy.
There it is.
So, my ex, who was a big eater, the night we sort of got together,
there was a very big buffet at a friend's house and,
moment by moment, I watched her demolish an entire wheel of cheese.
Jesus. Wow.
I thought, "I don't think tonight's the night."
So, I went up and I turned the lights out,
and she came in to lie next to me
wearing an adult nappy that she'd found,
so that we knew that we'd have a safe evening.
And I think there's so many nights like that.
Thanks, Sue. It is useful to have a nappy,
erm, when you're an adult, I imagine.
It's quite bleak.
Here we go, Sam.
It's my birth certificate.
LAUGHTER
They've had to...
Legal said to, yeah, they've blurred it out,
but I guess it's pretty saucy stuff.
I don't think a birth certificate's for a child,
I think it's for the adult. What are you talking about?
It's for the children? A birth certificate - birth.
You know, name and surname. There we go.
Yeah, no, I can see it.
I've got one somewhere. It does say "child" on it. Yeah.
It does say "child," yeah.
Yeah-ha-ha-ha!
HE CHORTLES CONFIDENTLY
This is something produced for an adult,
and later, for another adult.
That's not true at all. Yes, it is.
It's called a birth certificate. It's for a child...
I know what it's called!
"Oh, we'll wait 18 years or whatever, it's for" -
you use it all the time, man.
During your childhood, if you can name me specific times
that you, as a child, needed your birth certificate,
then this is going to score highly.
I used it to paper-cut a bully. To paper-cut a bully?
LAUGHTER Right, OK, you're making stuff up.
Well, Susan, who would've thought that someone would score
worse than a lava lamp?
Birth certificate is not for the actual child. 1 point.
OK. 1 point to Sam.
You should not buy a lava lamp for a child.
OK.
And yet, someone's got 2 points for it.
Well done, Susan. Congratulations. 2 points to Susan.
If you're attracted to someone and you're thinking of wooing them,
rather than have to go looking for an adult nappy,
the better thing to do would be not to eat an entire wheel of cheese.
Can't disagree with that, Greg.
Then I must only give it 3 points. I understand.
Only two left to score.
OK, well, I'm going to put Biggles on 4 points,
and I'm going to give the bi-pack 5 points.
I think you're onto something.
APPLAUSE
On we task, what's up first?
I'm going to get all emotional now, because it's my absolute favourite.
It's time for sausages!
Hi, Sam.
Like a sausage.
Who doesn't?
Ah. Vegans.
I am a vegan.
Are you? Yeah. But you like sausages.
I just keep forgetting.
What nonsense do you have for me now?
What do you mean? Nonsense.
HE GROANS "Make a sausage.
"You can only use seven ingredients.
"Each beginning with the letters of the word 'sausage.'
"You have five minutes to order your ingredients...
"..And 20 minutes to prepare your sausage."
"Most surprisingly pleasant sausage wins.
"The most surprisingly pleasant sausage wins.
"You may not order sausages."
This is far from nonsense.
"Your time starts...now!"
Sorry.
Need to ostensibly look like it'll be grotesque, but dazzle.
Can skin be one?
I see.
You know, like edible underwear?
Everyone likes a pair. Uh-huh.
Anchovy. I wouldn't recommend that.
Some carrot. Urgh! A banana.
Lucy...are you OK?
Unalive cod.
Some prawns.
Artisanal...
"A decorative plate."
I look like I eat, right? I eat all the time.
Why can't I think of things?! OK.
LUCY: Some carrots. Some carrots.
Apple. Urgh, banana.
Hmm. Some carrots.
Right, OK. Apple.
Ugly...raisins.
All the herbs.
Is that how you spell "edible"? Yeah. Yeah.
An edible what?
WHISTLE BLOWS
Well, if it's pleasant, it will be a surprise.
Great, thank you for everything.
APPLAUSE
Lucy. Hmm?
You said, really excitedly, "Who doesn't like sausages?" Yeah.
And then, you said, "Vegans."
And then, there was a brief pause, and you went, "I'm a vegan."
Yeah...yeah.
There should be a term for someone who's a vegan who also eats meat.
Well, I only eat things with wings now.
If it's got wings, I'll have it. Yeah. Things with wings?
Yeah. Do you eat things with fins?
Fish, yeah.
LAUGHTER
I believe, if you could kill it...
You should be allowed to eat it. ..you're allowed to eat it, yeah.
And I can kill a fish on its side, if I...
If I can only see one eye, I can kill something.
LAUGHTER
Sue, it's a very bold woman who'll attempt a fish sausage.
LAUGHTER
I, er, go hard or go home.
And now, I know Lucy loves a one-eyed fish sausage.
I'm hopeful.
Good, what's going on, Alex, who we going to see?
Well, the first two sausage chefs we're going to see
are Lucy and Sam.
I've been shopping. Oh, good.
You've got 20 minutes to make a sausage. Awesome.
This actually looks like something that sausages could be made of.
Now, of course, I will need some electrical equipment,
just to blend it together to make the patty.
Oh, too much.
Perfect, there we go.
When it comes to cooking, aesthetic is almost everything.
Perfect.
You look pleased.
Hi, Sam. Hello.
What am I going to be eating?
Whoa. One big sausage.
Here's what you ordered.
A sausage. Yeah.
Would the master like some cutlery?
You must've had a sausage before.
I've had a sausage before.
I've not had one with such prominent...ends?
Oh, yes, the ends are very prominent this time of year.
Can I pick it up?
P-P-Pick what up, sorry?
You know how you can normally pick up a sausage? Yeah, sure!
Ooh, it opens up for you, doesn't it?
SAM LAUGHS
OK.
I'm going to pick it up now. OK. And eat it like a sausage.
OK. Oh, no. Huh?
I picked the end up. Ooh. Sausage.
WHISPERING: That's a big bit.
How is everything?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
THEY CHUCKLE
I recommend a little bit. A little bit, OK, yeah.
It tastes like a hot banana. Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Hmm, that's gorgeous.
Gosh, I'll be having that at lunchtime.
Will you take it away from me, please? Yeah.
HE MUTTERS: It's ho... It's really horrible.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUES
One of the worst things I've ever heard from someone
who was eating something was,
"Oh, it really opens up for you, doesn't it?"
It was horrible. Yeah, sorry about everything, eh?
OK. It was disgusting. How about Lucy's?
Oh, yeah. It looked like an awful turd.
LAUGHTER
How did it taste? Awful.
I mean, in many ways, you'll have to help me judge these, really.
Well, it's meant to be surprisingly pleasant, so you're meant to look
at it and think, "That won't be very nice. Oh, it is quite pleasant."
Neither of them looked or were pleasant. Which one was the worst?
Sam's one was the worst. Thank you.
We've got the beginnings of a competition.
LAUGHTER
OK, let's pause to let off some steam.
We'll see you back here soon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, to all of you, and welcome back to part two of Taskmaster.
Time for the next two sausage-makers and, hot dog,
it's Julian and Susan!
I've found all the things you asked for, Julian.
Oh, well done.
You've got 20 minutes.
20 minutes - I'm just going to wash my hands.
Ah, thank you.
You've got 20 minutes Susan. 20 minutes.
I think I've found everything you wanted.
Yeah, you've got it. I'm really impressed -
edible glitter, good.
It wasn't easy to find the edible pants.
Oh, no, they look gross, don't they?
Like something out of Silence of the Lambs.
Some aubergines. Greens - beautiful, beautiful.
That is a sausage, isn't it?
WHISTLE BLOWS
Sausages? Ooh, yes, please.
Get that down, you.
Three sausages! I know.
Wow.
Hello, sir. Susan.
Hoping for some surprisingly pleasant sausages.
Surprising? Ooh.
Erm, you have a whole avocado.
And the undies?
Er, you can lick them.
Lick them. Yeah, you can lick the undies.
I'll go for the middle one. Yeah, go for that one.
Ooh, sticky. Yeah. It's a sensation, I think.
All the qualities of a sausage. Mm-hm.
SUSAN LAUGHS
Oh, it's so salty.
SUSAN LAUGHS Isn't it?Yeah.
Hmm. You're nodding. Mm-hm.
Oh.
What are you tasting?
Mainly edible pants.
Yeah. Hmm.
It's just salt. Is it?
Salt and a strawberry. You try it. What about that?
How's that? That's the strawberry.
Yeah. But it's not a sausage.
Sh, sh, sh, sh.
The part with the granola... Hmm.
..really sets off the soft apple. Yes.
And is that sticky toffee? Yes.
Ah, hmm. Good boy.
No, that one was quite pleasant. Yeah. Which is a surprise.
Did you get that? "Pleasant surprise."
Down the hatch.
Would you like some knickers to, like, just, to lick or something?
Yes, please. Sign it off?
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
Hmm, it's quite nice.
What are you doing under the table? Oh, I'm just hiding the last bit.
Oh. Thank you, Julian.
OK, you're welcome.
APPLAUSE
Right, I'm starting with the relatively successful sausage first.
Yes. Well, it turned out quite well, didn't it?
I've never been one to use edible pants, but they seem very thick.
Now, should you have to work that hard to eat your way
through some pants?
They should be thinner and more skin-like.
Yeah, it felt like they were edible pants for a labourer.
Like, they were pretty... Feel like you could do...
For a labourer. ..a hard day's work.
Big lad working on the roads.
I think so, wearing it all day, and then,
"Oh, I guess I'll eat them now." LAUGHTER
Well done for doing a quite successful sausage.
To Susan. Hi.
I very much enjoyed you making Alex lick some knickers. Yeah.
I liked you calling him a "good boy".
And I liked how pleased he was to be called a "good boy"
while he was licking knickers. Yeah. Me, too.
And you did it with the weird authority of
a primary school teacher.
Hmm, the sausage. Mm-hm.
I mean, it was absolute madness. It was madness, yes.
I don't think, at any point, you attempted to make a sausage. No!
LAUGHTER
You know what? It's funny that Susan's way of disarming me
is just to go, "I know, I didn't."
And the weird thing is it sort of works! Who's next?
Right, there's only one person left.
What sausage will Porkins make?
Let's find out...right now.
I've brought you everything you asked for, Sue. Oh, good.
It's fish sausage time, right?
Oh, God it reeks.
I don't think I want to hear the chef saying how much it stinks.
I don't think you should be around to see what happens next.
I'll meet you in the dining room. Right. Ooh, the smell.
No wonder people don't put this in a sausage.
Vile! That's absolutely horrendous!
WHISTLE BLOWS That's your time up, Sue.
Well, they look amazing, Sue. Thank you.
They look very different from each other.
Yes, it's two ways.
Well, I'll go for the underneath.
Hmm.
It tastes brilliant. Yay!
Now we move on to the pinky.
So, this has got a sort of smoked salmon casing.
I'm going to use fingers for this one.
You might get a nice burst.
Wow, look at that.
They should be on sale.
They really should. Delicious. They'd need a lot of PR.
Hmm.
What was your favourite?
I would have both.
Honestly, starter and main.
Yeah. You know what it is. Hmm?
Surprisingly pleasant.
That's surprisingly delicious.
It's almost too nice.
Congratulations, Sue.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
If I were Alex in the Porkins restaurant, from the kitchen,
I heard the following things.
"Oh, my God, it reeks."
And then, "Vile, absolutely horrendous,"
coming from the chef. Hmm.
But, seems like it was a triumph.
It came together, didn't it, weirdly? Hmm.
It's like, you know in the Matrix, when those - it goes,
"I know kung fu," it's like, suddenly someone going, pfft -
"Oh, my God, I know sausages."
LAUGHTER
OK, well, look here are all five sausages, it's time to score them.
What was the least tasty sausage?
I'm afraid it's Sam's. Sam's was inedible.
Sorry, Sam.
You've gotta eat. LAUGHTER
OK, 1 point to Sam, incredible.
Yeah, and there was a surprisingly pleasant moment with Susan's,
but only the one moment. One moment. Yeah, so that gets 2 points.
That gets 2, I think probably...
I mean, look at Lucy's.
Served with a duck. It's why it's got a duck there.
Yeah. So, I think it'd be 3 to Lucy and 4 to Julian, but I mean,
it's obvious that 5 points has to go to Sue Perkins.
Are you happy with that? Of course. 5 points to Sue Perkins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next, please! Ooh, you're a keen one,
and this is a team one.
Ooh. AUDIENCE OOHS
Well, well, well.
Oh, you're here. What a thrill.
What's this? Ah.
Please stand behind your buckets.
And then, please put the buckets on your heads.
We don't even question it any more.
Would you mind if I attach things to you?
It would be a great pleasure.
Julian. I'm doing you first.
Oh, my bum!
That really worries me, cos I just wasn't affected by him
sort of pinning things to my boobs.
You may take the tubs off your heads.
The task is behind you on the whiteboard.
Shall I read it? Yeah.
"Complete all the tasks.
"Then put the tubs back on your heads.
"One person must be looking at a team-mate at all times
"during these tasks.
"Also, one person must be shaking their head and smiling
"at all times during the task."
I could do that.
"And one person must only shout."
I'm good at shouting.
Do you like shouting? Yeah. OK, great, great, great, great.
I'm going to pretend that the fox shat in my garden again.
Is that all right? There's method.
I can shout. Or do you want to shake your head and smile?
Oh, that's horrible.
I'm quite good at looking. Can I do the looking?
You're very watchful. So, Sue's going to be shouting.
Susan'll be shaking her head and smiling. Yes.
And one of you must be looking at the other person at all times.
You're easier to look at than I am.
I will not have you say that. Take that and put it in the bin.
All right. I want to stare at you. God, that's really good of you.
I'll look at you. I believe that.
So, you'll be shaking your head and smiling, and looking at Sue.
"Fastest wins."
BOTH: "Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle!"
WHISTLE BLOWS Ah!
Good. Seems quite straightforward.
Well, I think, why don't we just crack on with it?
Lucy, you'll shout at an imaginary fox, right,
just to be clear, are you? Oh, I know. I regret that now.
You forget anyone's going to watch when you're in there.
LAUGHTER
We're beginning with the team of trois, here we go.
There are 12 tasks on you.
Your time starts... WHISTLE BLOWS
Get out of my garden, you bloody fox!
I can't believe it! Get out!
No Lucy, you don't have to be shouting.
You can shout the instructions.
"Eat one bowl of cereal in the lab."
So, I don't have to just continue to shout about anything? No.
"Sniff the front door!"
You don't need to have eye contact, I'm just looking at you.
Did you watch Lucy sniff the front door?
I did watch her sniff the front door.
And what does it smell like, Lucy?
It smelt like wood!
Want to try sniffing the back door?
THEY LAUGH
Have to shout, if you're going to comment.
You're a mucky bugger!
"Shake hands!"
"Name a total of five biscuits!"
Bourbons. Bourbons!
Rich Tea. Rich Tea!
Chocolate finger.
Chocolate finger! Garibaldi. Garibaldi!
Jam rings. Jam rings!
Yeah, lovely, thank you. Gotta shake his hand.
"Make your buckets look like your faces!"
Well, obviously, Julian, you've gotta be looking at Lucy. I am.
Do him dribbling. There we are.
Lovely. OK, next one.
"Do a total of 20 squats!"
Total of 20.
I don't know who's counting.
We've done 20, I think.
I've done 15, so that must be 20, OK.
Shake hands, er, again?
"Tell each other something you've done that you regret!"
Er, going to Croatia last year, but just what happened there.
Ah, OK. Cunnilingus.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
I did a big poo when I went to Kavos,
and I threw it off the balcony.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER And you regret that?Yeah!
"Shake hands."
THEY LAUGH
"Shake hands!"
There's one on your shoulder.
"Write a powerful message to the other team on the whiteboard!"
Wow! That's lovely!
"Shake hands!"
Buckets back on heads?
Ooh, ow.
WHISTLE BLOWS I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE
Well, I don't know where to start, it's just...
It was just like three minutes of absolute insanity.
Julian's big regret is cunnilingus.
LAUGHTER
And I don't know why I said that, really, cos I didn't...
..don't really regret it, I was very good at it.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
Lucy, "Oh, you mucky bugger."
My next question is, what happened in Croatia?
I... Do you know what I mean? It's not so much...
And this is boring, and no-one'll want to hear this stuff.
It wasn't cunnilingus, it was just...
Like, I just felt like I didn't make the most of my time there.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What did you think of Sam's choice for an inspirational message
for the other team? "Fly forever, my angels."
Have you seen these chicks?
They're angels!
ALL: Aww!
SUE: Look at him.
SUSAN: I don't think I've ever been called a "chick".
No, I never - no. LAUGHTER
Or an angel. Or an angel.
Just fly forever, chicks.
Cheers, babes. How long did they take?
The team of three took six minutes and 48.
That is the bar set.
OK, break time. Or, as I call it,
"tip a pan of cold water on your sleeping partner" time.
You've got to do something to bring the excitement back.
He takes you for granted! He's married to golf!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE Hello!
Welcome to the third part of today's Taskmaster,
where there's a team task under way.
There really is, and there are lots of tasks involved in this task.
Lots - and now, for lots of Sues involved in lots of tasks.
"Tell each other something you've done that you regret!"
Wearing thermals with two single sets of boiler suits on!
I regret when I decided to put a watch battery in my ear
when I was six, because my ears weren't pierced.
"Make your tubs look like your faces!" What?
How can we make a tub look like a face?
Is there anyway we can draw? Is everything we need in here?
Oh, the... Yes, there's a pen! Well done, you're amazing.
Ah!
Can I touch your knee? Yes!
"Write a powerful message to the other team on the whiteboard!"
"Less is less."
There you go. Wow.
I've caveated it. That is powerful.
It is powerful, isn't it?
"Shake hands!"
I really enjoyed that. "Sniff the front door!"
Come on, let's sniff it!
I forgot for a minute that you've gotta shout.
Damn, that smells good!
"Shake hands!" We've done it already, but I'm doing it again!
Is it the same one? I don't know. OK.
"Shake hands!" What?
"Touch me!"
"Do a total of 20 squats!" OK.
Oh... Oh, that's nice!
Not sure this is appropriate! What's happening?
This is unbearable!
17, 18... Gruelling! Oh!
..19, 20!
Can I? Yeah. Lot of squats there, guys, thank you.
"Eat one bowl of cereal in the lab!"
Follow me to the kitchen! OK.
Cereal's here! Don't know why I've adopted this voice!
Mm. Keep smiling, Susan. You need to keep smiling. Mm!
That was disgusting!
God, this feels like the biggest bowl of cereal I've ever had.
"Shake hands!"
MUFFLED: Can I finish now? No!
Ooh, one more to go! Is that the final one?
Ah, yeah!
"Name a total of five biscuits!"
Garibaldi! Nice! Bourbon!
Custard cream! Chocolate digestive!
Jammie Dodger! And, er, that's it. That's it!
And that's television!
APPLAUSE
Ah...er, that's it! That's it!
AUDIENCE OOHS That's it!
Ah! Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, wow.
I know we should start with the heartbreaking revelation
you missed a task. Ah, well, we've just seen.
We've just seen it now, yeah.
You poured an awful lot of cereal into those bowls.
It's because I had to keep looking at Sue as I did it,
so I wasn't like measuring.
And, as, as happened before on this series, Sue,
you inhabit this sort of bizarre Sergeant Major character often.
Well, it was... You become quite military.
Yeah, I think, er, it said shouting,
and I suppose the only sort of template I have for that
is the army. It's just such a strange combination.
It's this jolly, compliant primary school teacher...
..and then, a '50s sergeant major.
And yet, you both seemed to get on so well.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, obviously the team of three have done better right?
Yes, but not by that much.
They got six minutes, 48,
the team of two, seven minutes, 54.
So, we'll give 5 points to the team of three for a start.
OK, well done, team of three.
APPLAUSE
I'm feeling a real prick. Hm.
You didn't complete the task.
Well, just give them the points, these are dynamite chicks.
They're unreal! They're massive.
So, how many points for the "dynamite chicks"?
Well, I was going to say 1, just as a sympathy thing,
but now Sam's made me think they're dynamite chicks,
and I should give them 2.
AUDIENCE AGREES Yeah.Ahh.
Yeah, go on, I'll give 'em 2.
OK, 2 points for the team of two! CHEERING
It's a big enough gulf.
Right, I'd like one more task, please, little Alex Horne.
It's now time to play Celebrity Squares.
Hello, Susan. Hiya.
Any sign of a secret task around the place?
I don't know what you're on about. No?
Or you're just making small talk.
You never know with you.
"Recreate a well-known piece of art on these memo squares.
"You must draw on every memo square.
"But you may only look at one memo square at a time."
Hmm.
SUE: "You have 20 minutes,
"after which the memo squares will be arranged
"in a ten-by-ten square."
Wow!
"Best memo square art wins."
Are these different colours?
You haven't said "your time starts now" yet.
I haven't, no. Right.
Do you want me to get these pens before the time starts?
Yeah.
Could you go and get me a red please?
I've got to do every single one of these?
Yeah, there's 100. It's a nightmare. Hundred. Yeah.
OK, you get the pens... The pens.
..and then, I'll say "start".
What when I come back? Yes. Right. Is that all right?
Yes.
He's not happy.
There is 100 there.
It's not a lot of time per square.
Best not to do Monet.
The medium does lend itself to cubism.
Can I get these out of here before, no?
But it seems like you can do anything before the task.
Can never tell, can you, when you're laughing or sulky.
OK, my time starts now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I would like to agree with Julian and say that you're right,
you can never tell whether you're laughy or sulky.
Yeah, just think it's worth getting on record sometimes
what an odd man you are. LAUGHTER
Lucy, "Best not to do Monet."
Oh, no. Why?
Cos it's got lots of little dots on it, hasn't it? Yeah.
Lots of bits. I suppose.
Especially as his eyesight was failing of course, as well.
Did he lose his ear?
No, different guy. LAUGHTER
One had an ear problem, one had an eye problem. Simple as that.
Oh. That's the way I remember them.
Right. Mon-eye...
..and Van cut-it-off.
LAUGHTER
Let's go. Yes, it's a tough task.
You have to do one memo square every 12 seconds.
Greg. Yes.
I would like to show you my montage.
DEEP VOICE: # Sticky memo square! #
Can I draw a little aide-memoire of the entire thing?
I would.
How many? Ten by ten? Oh, that's wild.
I might need more red. OK.
Shall I tell you what it is I'm doing?
It's Sunflowers, by Van Gogh.
Three.
I'm approaching this painting as I'm doing admin.
So glad I've got a tea.
Oh, art is hard!
How many have you done? You've got 16 minutes left.
One. Am I meant to do all 100? Yeah.
Am I allowed to have a cheery chat with you while I'm doing this?
I'd love that. Do you like bird watching?
Of course.
Oh, what was on that one?
Just a little dot.
Ah! How am I doing for time, I'm pretty good.
Pretty good, 18 minutes.
Got 15 minutes left.
So, I'm a bit behind is what you're saying?
Little bit behind. That's cos I tried to engage you
in a conversation.
Never make that mistake again.
Just can't picture this.
But I'm hoping that the subconscious has taken over,
cos I've told my brain,
"You're going to draw Van Gogh."
Oh, there's so many left.
There's so many left!
AHH!
Do you want to do some dots, Alex?
Do you want to check that you're happy with my...?
It's very good. Thank you.
Ahh.
Think I'm slowly getting it now.
What's the rarest bird you've ever seen?
I walked in a barn recently, and there was a barn owl,
and I really liked that.
Perhaps we could go together one day, to look at barn owls.
I'd very much like that, please.
Three minutes left. Don't talk to me. OK.
SHE SIGHS
Just remembered what sunflowers look like.
Oh, God. I'm drawing poppies.
You're drawing poppies? Yeah.
Oh, no.
Oh, God!
Why isn't it decreasing?!
This is one of the most exhausting things I've ever done.
Why didn't I just draw a cock and balls?
Oh, have you finished? Yeah.
APPLAUSE
Julian, that was the most content I've seen you this series, really.
Yes, it was quite meditative.
And you've arranged a date to go and look at owls with Alex.
Well, he did seem to thaw out a little bit.
It was a lovely 20 minutes. Yes.
I was involved in Julian's one. He employed me.
Yes. Which I was grateful for.
Lucy, you seemed to have another existential crisis during this.
Yeah.
You tried to paint subconsciously? LAUGHTER
So, people do do that, don't they?
It's worth saying at this point, some of the people made a plan -
except for Lucy, who just went for it.
So, was picturing it in her mind as she did it.
I thought that's what you wanted me to do. Yeah.
And halfway through, you had a sudden realisation that
you just remembered what sunflowers look like.
I was doing fucking poppies. I know. Right.
So, you're doing Van Gogh's poppies.
I was getting Gok Wan and Van Gogh mixed up. Oh, yes.
Well, they're very similar men.
LAUGHTER
OK, that's the end of part three.
One of these lucky adults is soon going to trot home
in a brand-new bi-pack...
LAUGHTER ..and a nappy.
You'd be a fool not to come back!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello there, welcome back for the last part of the show.
We're about to see some wonderful pieces of art, I believe.
You must always believe.
Yes, the contestants had to recreate a well-known piece of art
on some memo squares.
They had to draw on each square,
but could only look at one square at a time.
First up, get ready, here is Sam's piece.
Look at that.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS LUCY:Wow!Wow.Sam, that's amazing!
APPLAUSE
The Scream. It's amazing. That's really good.
SUSAN: That's incredible!
It's based on a very famous artwork.
LAUGHTER
You've added something quite powerful, as well,
to Munch's The Scream.
Because I don't think, in his original,
that the eyes are mouths, are they?
LAUGHTER
I also found his face too symmetrical. Yeah.
We could mess with that.
Let's wonk that face up and stick a couple of mouths in his eyes.
It's a really tough task, and he immediately made a grid.
You said, "Like a draughtsman."
And then, he went for it, and he remembered there was a bridge
in the painting, so there was good recall.
That is a hell of an opener Sam, it'll take some beating.
Different tactic - this is Susan's picture.
Do you know which artwork she's recreated? I do not.
The art piece is called Red, by - what's his name?
Rothko. There we go. That's the piece.
I ran out of red. Did Rothko do just one red block?
Hmm. He did. And actually...
Probably did, didn't he, the chancer?
And I would say... Not fooling anyone, Rothko!
"I'm dead." I know.
Also, his single-colour ones do have different shades of
that colour within, so it's got elements of Rothko.
There we go. It's a reasonably good idea, Susan.
Thank you. Welcome, well done. Want to see another?
Yeah, is it another chick, or is it a dude?
This is a hunk called Julian Clary.
Oh. It's good.
Damien Hirst. It is a Damien Hirst.
That's it, yeah. Dots picture. That's very good.
Through the other side of the art,
I can see you two handling an owl together.
LAUGHTER
Shall we see Sue Perkins now?
Yes, I think I'd like to see Sue Perkins now.
Oh, wow! Oh, wow.
Bloody hell. That's amazing.
These are disappointingly good. LAUGHTER
Is that the big ML? It is the big ML, yeah. It is.
It's Mona Lisa, very clearly.
But why not pop ET's hand in? I know.
I've gone full sausage-fingers there, haven't I?
Why not Spielberg it?
This will be hard to judge this, Greg.
It bloody is going to be hard to judge. Yeah.
Especially cos finally, it's Sunflowers by Van Gogh Wan,
reimagined by Lucy Beaumont. LAUGHTER
Just picture the vase with the flowers spilling out of it.
Oh, God I can see them. And all...
His use of colour's amazing. ..all the golden glory.
Here we go. Oh, vibrant. Ready? Yes.
LAUGHTER
Some of Mona Lisa's hands have made an appearance.
Not to forget, quite a few chickens.
Oh, Lucy.
It's the vase has been dropped, the drop...it's a broken vase.
Oh, really? Yeah.
And I thought it was a mistake to use your subconscious
when I heard you say it.
Never mind, well, do you want to see all five, and then,
throw some points at it. I do, yeah, I do, let's go.
Here they are, here's the five of them.
Well, I think we can safely say that Van Gogh Wan
probably has to get 1 point.
OK, 1 point to Lucy. Oh.
But then, there's a jump up to Julian and Susan,
who I'll give joint points to. How many joint points?
I'll give them 3 points each. OK.
And the other two, er, incredible, the ambition's incredible.
We knew what they were straight away,
so they take 5 points each. Wow.
So, 3 each to Julian and Susan, 5 to Sue and Sam!
CHEERING
Can I have a quick look at the scores, please? 'Course you can.
Susan, I'm afraid you're at the bottom with 9.
At the top, it's Julian with 16, and Sue with 15.
APPLAUSE
All right, then, will you please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Who's going to read the task out?
This time, Julian Clary's going to read it.
Julian Clary.
"Write the name of a different animal on each face of your dice.
"You have 100 seconds."
Simple as that, you may now pick up your dice and your pens.
OK, good luck, your time starts now.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Good.
We're ready for the dice games, Greg. Let's play.
Greg is going to read out Round One's category.
You'll then throw the dice individually.
We'll start with you, Susan. OK.
"Round One, the most boring animal will be eliminated."
Oh.
You want to throw your big ones.
That's all right. Oh.
Dog. Uh-oh.
Gosh, I almost fell fully asleep.
OK, Sue, please throw your animal dice.
It is a... Elephant.
Less boring than a dog, you say!
Yes, so Sue's definitely through.
LAUGHTER
What is it, Greg? It is a mammoth.
AUDIENCE OOHS Not boring.Spicy.
Yeah, so it's still dog, is it, the most boring?
Of course.
Lucy. Have you got any bor... Hm?
Mice. Mice. Ooh.
What's more boring, mice or dog?
I think maybe mice are more boring than dogs. Yes.
Mice are more, er, boring than dog...?
LAUGHTER
My mum's got mice in the downstairs cupboard, causing mayhem.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Those mice do sound quite fun.
Julian, good luck.
THEY LAUGH
He's thrown mouse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm afraid, Julian, I must rule
that the most boring animal thrown is a mouse.
Oh. Ah.
We lose Julian. We lose Julian.
Right in the middle, please.
OK, next category.
"The animal to be eliminated is the most dangerous animal."
We know there's a mammoth.
Good luck, Susan.
What is it? Oh, no!
It's a snake.
OK.
Beautiful. A whale, nice blue whale.
Ooh, what's more dangerous, a blue whale or a snake?
The snake is more dangerous thus far.
Mammoth.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What's more dangerous, a mammoth or a snake, Greg?
I think, to a human being, snakes are probably more dangerous.
One to throw.
Shih tzu.
I think I must ask Susan to retire.
Susan Wokoma, everyone. APPLAUSE
The next category is "worst pet".
We know there's a mammoth.
Good luck.
Giant squid!
Genuinely a shit pet.
I think "Sue's in trouble" would be my summary.
THEY LAUGH
It's still squid.
Stick insect.
Oh, lovely bowl.
Duck-billed platypus!
LAUGHTER
You don't see them as pets very often.
But I still, given the choice,
would have a duck-billed platypus over a giant squid.
I'm afraid I must ask Sue to sit down.
APPLAUSE
The winner will be the "animal is most like Greg".
We know there's a mammoth!
LAUGHTER
Human.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
I'm afraid it's a duck-billed platypus.
Are they still alive? Yeah, they are.
They're here in human form.
Sam's the winner.
Well done, 4 points to Susan, 4 points to Lucy, 5 points to Sam!
Right, we'll add those to the final scores,
please come down here and join me!
So, scores?
Yes, well, obviously, Sam got the 5 points.
4 to Lucy, 3 to Sue, 2 to Susan, 1 to Julian.
And what a leader board we have.
Lucy and Sue both have 18 points. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
And so, we have a tie-break! Oh! Oh, yes, please.
And in this one, they just had to tut the loudest.
HE TUTS They have ten goes at it,
but the tenth tut is the one that counts on the decibel reader.
So, let's see how they got on.
Getting quite wet.
Ah, here we go.
Tut!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
The tut task has revealed our winner, Sue Perkins wins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please go and gather your grown-up things that are supposed
to be for children!
CHEERING
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that art is truly subjective.
Some people like Van Gogh Wan's chickens.
And some people don't.
With paintings, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.
As the Mona Lisa herself said...
IMITATES ET: .."Phone home."
LAUGHTER
Goodbye, my friends, and well done to tonight's champion,
it's Sue Perkins! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media