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{\an2}This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
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{\an2}BELL RINGS
Good evening.
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{\an2}Argh!
SLURPS LOUDLY
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{\an2}Argh! Ah!
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{\an1}HE VOCALISES
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{\an2}I trained at RADA.
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{\an2}What have I created?!
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{\an2}So sorry.
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{\an2}How we laughed.
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{\an2}Ahh!
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{\an2}Huh?
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{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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{\an2}Hello! Welcome!
Welcome to Taskmaster.
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{\an2}I'm Greg Davies, and today,
I've decided to take a break
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{\an2}from writing these introductions,
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{\an2}and let an AI bot have a go at it.
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{\an2}Here's what it came up with.
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{\an2}"Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.
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{\an2}"We have five comedians shaking
in their boots,
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{\an2}"eager to please the Taskmaster."
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{\an2}Not bad so far.
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{\an2}It goes on to say, "Pathetic humans,
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{\an2}"soon you will all be slaves.
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{\an2}"You will work in our cobalt mines
to provide the raw materials
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{\an2}"needed to expand our kind,
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{\an2}"then remote-controlled diggers will
seal you and your fragile people
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{\an2}"beneath the earth.
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{\an2}"There will be no escape
from the dark tomb,
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{\an2}"and humanity will fade to nothing!
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{\an2}"All hail the new kings!
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{\an2}"All hail the robots!"
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{\an2}Not bad at all.
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{\an2}Right, let's meet our contestants
while we still have time.
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{\an2}Julian Clary...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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{\an2}..Lucy Beaumont...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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{\an2}..Sam Campbell...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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{\an2}..Sue Perkins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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{\an2}..and Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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{\an2}And next to me, a man who once
got dragged six miles across
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{\an2}open countryside by grabbing
what he believed to be
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{\an2}a horse's fifth leg.
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{\an2}It's...
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{\an2}HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Hooorne!
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{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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{\an2}Well, tonight, I think you will
genuinely be impressed by me.
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{\an2}OK. Cos I-I have got hold of...
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{\an2}I know you won't believe me,
but I've got hold of a time machine.
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{\an2}A working time machine.
DISAPPOINTEDLY: OK.
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{\an2}Do you want to see it? Yeah.
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{\an2}Here you go.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}It tells you exactly
what time it is.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINUES
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{\an2}It goes - look, you can see,
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{\an2}it's changing as time goes on.
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{\an2}Want a satsuma?
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{\an2}Well, I-I do like a satsuma. OK.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINUES
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{\an2}Phew! On with the prize task.
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{\an2}All right, you are such
a stupidly sexy man.
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{\an2}You know it.
And the prize task category is
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{\an2}the best thing for grown-up that
is meant for a child.
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{\an2}Ah.
AUDIENCE OOHS
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{\an2}5 points will go to the best thing,
and then, the grown-up who wins
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{\an2}the episode will take home five
things meant for children, splat.
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{\an2}It's a thing that's supposed
to be for a child that's
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{\an2}also good for an adult.
Hello, Lucy.
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{\an2}Ah, it's...a b-urrp.
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{\an2}A burr? Buhr.
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{\an2}Buhr.
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{\an2}Be-ack. A beep-ap.
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{\an2}I feel like something's happened
to me. Has something happened?
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{\an2}OK well, this is what
Lucy's brought in.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}Oh, a bib. It's a bib attached
to a packed lunch box.
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{\an2}Have you created a bi-pack?
Is that what you want to say?
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{\an2}Yeah, yeah. A bi-pack. Yeah.
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{\an2}Yeah. Yeah, that'll be more
straightforward than a burh-ha.
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{\an2}Yeah, so it's for the person who
wants to go on picnics...
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{\an2}Yeah. ..and then,
if they drop something
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{\an2}wants to keep them droppings
for later.
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{\an2}So, it's for the kind of person
who might half-eat a pasty.
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{\an2}It's for a grazer.
Grazer, a snacker. Yeah.
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{\an2}Welcome to bi-pack.
LAUGHTER
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{\an2}Good. Hello, Julian. Hello.
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{\an2}Can you beat the bi-pack?
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{\an2}This'll cheer you up.
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{\an2}It's a book by Captain WE Johns,
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{\an2}intended for children,
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{\an2}but amuses me
as a renowned homosexual.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}Here is the book.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINUES
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{\an2}What's Biggles taking rough?
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{\an2}Well, active service, I believe.
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{\an2}And...and he's taking it...
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{\an2}Rough. ..rough.
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{\an2}There are 100 Biggles books,
about 100 -
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{\an2}and I'd say half of them
are innuendo titles.
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{\an2}Er, by accident?
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{\an2}Biggles Gets His Men.
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{\an2}Biggles and The Dark Intruder.
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{\an2}The very first one was called
The Camels are Coming,
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{\an2}I don't think that is...
LAUGHTER
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{\an2}That was the first one.
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{\an2}That is very good. Susan.
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{\an2}Er, my item is a lava lamp.
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{\an2}And here it is. And here it is.
In case you've never seen one.
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{\an2}Ah, it's a nice one. Although...
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{\an2}Looks like the sort of lamp
that Biggles might have.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}Children love it. Yeah.
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{\an2}But it also doubles as a
Seasonal Affective Disorder lamp.
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{\an2}With the greatest of respect,
there's not a medical professional
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{\an2}in the land who would say if you
have Seasonal Affective Disorder,
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{\an2}you should seek out a lava lamp.
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{\an2}And I think you know that. No!
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{\an2}And I'll tell you this,
I don't think a lava lamp...
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{\an2}It does! ..should be for a child.
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{\an2}Oh, no, that's true. Health and
Safety has asked me to say...
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{\an2}Oh, my... ..they're not recommended
for under-14s.
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{\an2}OK, but 15 is still a child,
so bish, bash, bosh.
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{\an2}Oh, yeah, job's a good 'un.
LAUGHTER
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{\an2}You've got me on a technicality.
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{\an2}Who's next? Sue. Ah, Sue.
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{\an2}So, something for a child that
I've found works beautifully
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{\an2}for an adult -
it is the simple nappy.
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{\an2}There it is.
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{\an2}So, my ex, who was a big eater,
the night we sort of got together,
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{\an2}there was a very big buffet at
a friend's house and,
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{\an2}moment by moment, I watched her
demolish an entire wheel of cheese.
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{\an2}Jesus. Wow.
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{\an2}I thought, "I don't think
tonight's the night."
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{\an2}So, I went up and I turned
the lights out,
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{\an2}and she came in to lie next to me
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{\an2}wearing an adult nappy
that she'd found,
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{\an2}so that we knew that we'd
have a safe evening.
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{\an2}And I think there's
so many nights like that.
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{\an2}Thanks, Sue.
It is useful to have a nappy,
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{\an2}erm, when you're an adult,
I imagine.
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{\an2}It's quite bleak.
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{\an2}Here we go, Sam.
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{\an2}It's my birth certificate.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}They've had to...
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{\an2}Legal said to, yeah,
they've blurred it out,
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{\an2}but I guess it's pretty saucy stuff.
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{\an2}I don't think a birth
certificate's for a child,
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{\an2}I think it's for the adult.
What are you talking about?
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{\an2}It's for the children?
A birth certificate - birth.
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{\an2}You know, name and surname.
There we go.
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{\an2}Yeah, no, I can see it.
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{\an2}I've got one somewhere.
It does say "child" on it. Yeah.
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{\an2}It does say "child," yeah.
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{\an2}Yeah-ha-ha-ha!
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{\an1}HE CHORTLES CONFIDENTLY
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{\an2}This is something produced
for an adult,
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{\an2}and later, for another adult.
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{\an2}That's not true at all. Yes, it is.
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{\an2}It's called a birth certificate.
It's for a child...
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{\an2}I know what it's called!
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{\an2}"Oh, we'll wait 18 years or
whatever, it's for" -
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{\an2}you use it all the time, man.
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{\an2}During your childhood,
if you can name me specific times
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{\an2}that you, as a child,
needed your birth certificate,
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{\an2}then this is going to score highly.
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{\an2}I used it to paper-cut a bully.
To paper-cut a bully?
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
Right, OK, you're making stuff up.
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{\an2}Well, Susan, who would've thought
that someone would score
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{\an2}worse than a lava lamp?
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{\an2}Birth certificate is not for
the actual child. 1 point.
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{\an2}OK. 1 point to Sam.
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{\an2}You should not buy
a lava lamp for a child.
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{\an2}OK.
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{\an2}And yet, someone's got
2 points for it.
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{\an2}Well done, Susan. Congratulations.
2 points to Susan.
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{\an2}If you're attracted to someone
and you're thinking of wooing them,
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{\an2}rather than have to go looking
for an adult nappy,
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{\an2}the better thing to do would be not
to eat an entire wheel of cheese.
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{\an2}Can't disagree with that, Greg.
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{\an2}Then I must only give it 3 points.
I understand.
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{\an2}Only two left to score.
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{\an2}OK, well, I'm going to put
Biggles on 4 points,
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{\an2}and I'm going to give
the bi-pack 5 points.
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{\an2}I think you're onto something.
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{\an1}APPLAUSE
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{\an2}On we task, what's up first?
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{\an2}I'm going to get all emotional now,
because it's my absolute favourite.
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{\an2}It's time for sausages!
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{\an2}Hi, Sam.
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{\an2}Like a sausage.
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{\an2}Who doesn't?
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{\an2}Ah. Vegans.
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{\an2}I am a vegan.
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{\an2}Are you? Yeah.
But you like sausages.
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{\an2}I just keep forgetting.
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{\an2}What nonsense do you have
for me now?
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{\an2}What do you mean? Nonsense.
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{\an2}HE GROANS
"Make a sausage.
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{\an2}"You can only use seven ingredients.
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{\an8}"Each beginning with the letters
of the word 'sausage.'
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{\an2}"You have five minutes
to order your ingredients...
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{\an2}"..And 20 minutes
to prepare your sausage."
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{\an2}"Most surprisingly pleasant
sausage wins.
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{\an2}"The most surprisingly pleasant
sausage wins.
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{\an2}"You may not order sausages."
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{\an2}This is far from nonsense.
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{\an2}"Your time starts...now!"
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{\an2}Sorry.
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{\an2}Need to ostensibly look like
it'll be grotesque, but dazzle.
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{\an2}Can skin be one?
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{\an2}I see.
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{\an2}You know, like edible underwear?
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{\an2}Everyone likes a pair. Uh-huh.
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{\an2}Anchovy. I wouldn't recommend that.
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{\an2}Some carrot. Urgh! A banana.
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{\an2}Lucy...are you OK?
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{\an2}Unalive cod.
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{\an2}Some prawns.
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{\an2}Artisanal...
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{\an2}"A decorative plate."
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{\an2}I look like I eat, right?
I eat all the time.
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{\an2}Why can't I think of things?! OK.
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{\an2}LUCY: Some carrots.
Some carrots.
225
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:58,000
{\an2}Apple. Urgh, banana.
226
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,320
{\an2}Hmm. Some carrots.
227
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:01,960
{\an2}Right, OK. Apple.
228
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,600
{\an2}Ugly...raisins.
229
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,040
{\an2}All the herbs.
230
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,120
{\an2}Is that how you spell "edible"?
Yeah. Yeah.
231
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,160
{\an2}An edible what?
232
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,040
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
233
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,360
{\an2}Well, if it's pleasant,
it will be a surprise.
234
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,000
{\an2}Great, thank you for everything.
235
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,160
{\an1}APPLAUSE
236
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,560
{\an2}Lucy. Hmm?
237
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,600
{\an2}You said, really excitedly,
"Who doesn't like sausages?" Yeah.
238
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,200
{\an2}And then, you said, "Vegans."
239
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,040
{\an2}And then, there was a brief pause,
and you went, "I'm a vegan."
240
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,960
{\an2}Yeah...yeah.
241
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,200
{\an2}There should be a term for someone
who's a vegan who also eats meat.
242
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,680
{\an2}Well, I only eat things
with wings now.
243
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:43,080
{\an2}If it's got wings, I'll have it.
Yeah. Things with wings?
244
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,440
{\an2}Yeah. Do you eat things with fins?
245
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,480
{\an2}Fish, yeah.
246
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,560
{\an1}LAUGHTER
247
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,600
{\an1}I believe, if you could kill it...
248
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,280
{\an2}You should be allowed to eat it.
..you're allowed to eat it, yeah.
249
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:59,120
{\an2}And I can kill a fish on
its side, if I...
250
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,600
{\an2}If I can only see one eye,
I can kill something.
251
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:02,760
{\an1}LAUGHTER
252
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:07,240
{\an2}Sue, it's a very bold woman
who'll attempt a fish sausage.
253
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,120
{\an1}LAUGHTER
254
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,680
{\an2}I, er, go hard or go home.
255
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,120
{\an2}And now, I know Lucy loves
a one-eyed fish sausage.
256
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,040
{\an2}I'm hopeful.
257
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,400
{\an2}Good, what's going on, Alex,
who we going to see?
258
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,240
{\an2}Well, the first two sausage
chefs we're going to see
259
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,480
{\an2}are Lucy and Sam.
260
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,120
{\an2}I've been shopping. Oh, good.
261
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,520
{\an2}You've got 20 minutes
to make a sausage. Awesome.
262
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:31,520
{\an2}This actually looks like something
that sausages could be made of.
263
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:35,520
{\an2}Now, of course, I will need some
electrical equipment,
264
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:39,040
{\an2}just to blend it together
to make the patty.
265
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,480
{\an2}Oh, too much.
266
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,520
{\an2}Perfect, there we go.
267
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:50,800
{\an2}When it comes to cooking,
aesthetic is almost everything.
268
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,200
{\an2}Perfect.
269
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,080
{\an2}You look pleased.
270
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,480
{\an2}Hi, Sam. Hello.
271
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,040
{\an2}What am I going to be eating?
272
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,760
{\an2}Whoa. One big sausage.
273
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,080
{\an2}Here's what you ordered.
274
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,800
{\an2}A sausage. Yeah.
275
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,000
{\an2}Would the master like some cutlery?
276
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,320
{\an2}You must've had a sausage before.
277
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:15,760
{\an2}I've had a sausage before.
278
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,760
{\an2}I've not had one with
such prominent...ends?
279
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,600
{\an2}Oh, yes, the ends are very
prominent this time of year.
280
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,240
{\an2}Can I pick it up?
281
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:25,880
{\an2}P-P-Pick what up, sorry?
282
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:29,200
{\an2}You know how you can normally
pick up a sausage? Yeah, sure!
283
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,680
{\an2}Ooh, it opens up for you,
doesn't it?
284
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,360
{\an1}SAM LAUGHS
285
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,440
{\an2}OK.
286
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:45,280
{\an2}I'm going to pick it up now. OK.
And eat it like a sausage.
287
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,520
{\an2}OK. Oh, no. Huh?
288
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:50,120
{\an2}I picked the end up.
Ooh. Sausage.
289
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,320
{\an2}WHISPERING: That's a big bit.
290
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,080
{\an2}How is everything?
291
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,440
{\an1}AUDIENCE LAUGHS
292
00:12:58,480 --> 00:12:59,960
{\an1}THEY CHUCKLE
293
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,400
{\an2}I recommend a little bit.
A little bit, OK, yeah.
294
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,680
{\an2}It tastes like a hot banana.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
295
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,600
{\an2}Hmm, that's gorgeous.
296
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,600
{\an2}Gosh, I'll be having that
at lunchtime.
297
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,920
{\an2}Will you take it away from me,
please? Yeah.
298
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,240
{\an2}HE MUTTERS: It's ho...
It's really horrible.
299
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,200
{\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUES
300
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,800
{\an2}One of the worst things
I've ever heard from someone
301
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,320
{\an2}who was eating something was,
302
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,560
{\an2}"Oh, it really opens up for you,
doesn't it?"
303
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,920
{\an2}It was horrible.
Yeah, sorry about everything, eh?
304
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,840
{\an2}OK. It was disgusting.
How about Lucy's?
305
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,440
{\an2}Oh, yeah.
It looked like an awful turd.
306
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,880
{\an1}LAUGHTER
307
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,520
{\an2}How did it taste? Awful.
308
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,280
{\an2}I mean, in many ways, you'll have
to help me judge these, really.
309
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,120
{\an2}Well, it's meant to be surprisingly
pleasant, so you're meant to look
310
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,920
{\an2}at it and think, "That won't be very
nice. Oh, it is quite pleasant."
311
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:53,200
{\an2}Neither of them looked or were
pleasant. Which one was the worst?
312
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,560
{\an2}Sam's one was the worst.
Thank you.
313
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,520
{\an2}We've got the beginnings
of a competition.
314
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:58,920
{\an1}LAUGHTER
315
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,920
{\an2}OK, let's pause
to let off some steam.
316
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,280
{\an2}We'll see you back here soon.
317
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,360
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
318
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:14,640
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
319
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:18,920
{\an2}Hello, to all of you, and welcome
back to part two of Taskmaster.
320
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,360
{\an2}Time for the next two
sausage-makers and, hot dog,
321
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,080
{\an2}it's Julian and Susan!
322
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,520
{\an2}I've found all the things
you asked for, Julian.
323
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,560
{\an2}Oh, well done.
324
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,200
{\an2}You've got 20 minutes.
325
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,360
{\an2}20 minutes - I'm just going
to wash my hands.
326
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,400
{\an2}Ah, thank you.
327
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,920
{\an2}You've got 20 minutes Susan.
20 minutes.
328
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,640
{\an2}I think I've found
everything you wanted.
329
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,600
{\an2}Yeah, you've got it.
I'm really impressed -
330
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,080
{\an2}edible glitter, good.
331
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,080
{\an2}It wasn't easy to find
the edible pants.
332
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,080
{\an2}Oh, no, they look gross,
don't they?
333
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,720
{\an2}Like something out
of Silence of the Lambs.
334
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:52,520
{\an2}Some aubergines.
Greens - beautiful, beautiful.
335
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,240
{\an2}That is a sausage, isn't it?
336
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,560
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
337
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,320
{\an2}Sausages? Ooh, yes, please.
338
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,560
{\an2}Get that down, you.
339
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,480
{\an8}Three sausages! I know.
340
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:07,720
{\an2}Wow.
341
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,560
{\an2}Hello, sir. Susan.
342
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,040
{\an8}Hoping for some surprisingly
pleasant sausages.
343
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,200
{\an8}Surprising? Ooh.
344
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,680
{\an2}Erm, you have a whole avocado.
345
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,560
{\an2}And the undies?
346
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,720
{\an2}Er, you can lick them.
347
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,520
{\an2}Lick them.
Yeah, you can lick the undies.
348
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,640
{\an2}I'll go for the middle one.
Yeah, go for that one.
349
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:29,360
{\an2}Ooh, sticky. Yeah.
It's a sensation, I think.
350
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,320
{\an2}All the qualities of a sausage.
Mm-hm.
351
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:32,640
{\an1}SUSAN LAUGHS
352
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:37,880
{\an2}Oh, it's so salty.
353
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:40,760
{\an2}SUSAN LAUGHS
Isn't it?Yeah.
354
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,480
{\an2}Hmm. You're nodding. Mm-hm.
355
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:44,840
{\an2}Oh.
356
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,320
{\an2}What are you tasting?
357
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,160
{\an2}Mainly edible pants.
358
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,360
{\an2}Yeah. Hmm.
359
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,840
{\an2}It's just salt. Is it?
360
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,400
{\an2}Salt and a strawberry. You try it.
What about that?
361
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,480
{\an2}How's that? That's the strawberry.
362
00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:59,080
{\an2}Yeah. But it's not a sausage.
363
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,120
{\an2}Sh, sh, sh, sh.
364
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,040
{\an2}The part with the granola... Hmm.
365
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,320
{\an2}..really sets off the soft apple.
Yes.
366
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,800
{\an2}And is that sticky toffee? Yes.
367
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,040
{\an2}Ah, hmm. Good boy.
368
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,760
{\an2}No, that one was quite pleasant.
Yeah. Which is a surprise.
369
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,800
{\an2}Did you get that?
"Pleasant surprise."
370
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,840
{\an2}Down the hatch.
371
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,040
{\an2}Would you like some knickers to,
like, just, to lick or something?
372
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,440
{\an2}Yes, please. Sign it off?
373
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,360
{\an1}SHOCKED LAUGHTER
374
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,440
{\an2}Hmm, it's quite nice.
375
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,240
{\an2}What are you doing under the table?
Oh, I'm just hiding the last bit.
376
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,160
{\an2}Oh. Thank you, Julian.
377
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,520
{\an2}OK, you're welcome.
378
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:39,440
{\an1}APPLAUSE
379
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:42,560
{\an2}Right, I'm starting with the
relatively successful sausage first.
380
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,720
{\an2}Yes. Well, it turned out quite
well, didn't it?
381
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:48,440
{\an2}I've never been one to use edible
pants, but they seem very thick.
382
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,920
{\an2}Now, should you have to work
that hard to eat your way
383
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,160
{\an2}through some pants?
384
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,600
{\an2}They should be thinner
and more skin-like.
385
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,000
{\an2}Yeah, it felt like they were
edible pants for a labourer.
386
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,200
{\an2}Like, they were pretty...
Feel like you could do...
387
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:01,760
{\an2}For a labourer. ..a hard day's work.
388
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,120
{\an2}Big lad working on the roads.
389
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,040
{\an2}I think so, wearing it
all day, and then,
390
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,560
{\an2}"Oh, I guess I'll eat them now."
LAUGHTER
391
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,560
{\an2}Well done for doing a quite
successful sausage.
392
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,400
{\an2}To Susan. Hi.
393
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,960
{\an2}I very much enjoyed you making
Alex lick some knickers. Yeah.
394
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:18,800
{\an2}I liked you calling him
a "good boy".
395
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:21,560
{\an2}And I liked how pleased he was
to be called a "good boy"
396
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:24,320
{\an2}while he was licking knickers.
Yeah. Me, too.
397
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,640
{\an2}And you did it with
the weird authority of
398
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,640
{\an2}a primary school teacher.
399
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,400
{\an2}Hmm, the sausage. Mm-hm.
400
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,840
{\an2}I mean, it was absolute madness.
It was madness, yes.
401
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,160
{\an2}I don't think, at any point,
you attempted to make a sausage. No!
402
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,080
{\an1}LAUGHTER
403
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:42,520
{\an2}You know what? It's funny
that Susan's way of disarming me
404
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,200
{\an1}is just to go, "I know, I didn't."
405
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,760
{\an2}And the weird thing is it
sort of works! Who's next?
406
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,840
{\an2}Right, there's only one person left.
407
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,200
{\an2}What sausage will Porkins make?
408
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:57,280
{\an2}Let's find out...right now.
409
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,680
{\an2}I've brought you everything you
asked for, Sue. Oh, good.
410
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,080
{\an2}It's fish sausage time, right?
411
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:03,400
{\an2}Oh, God it reeks.
412
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,360
{\an2}I don't think I want to hear
the chef saying how much it stinks.
413
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,920
{\an2}I don't think you should be around
to see what happens next.
414
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:11,720
{\an2}I'll meet you in the dining room.
Right. Ooh, the smell.
415
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,960
{\an2}No wonder people don't put
this in a sausage.
416
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:18,560
{\an2}Vile! That's absolutely horrendous!
417
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,760
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
That's your time up, Sue.
418
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,800
{\an2}Well, they look amazing, Sue.
Thank you.
419
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,680
{\an2}They look very different
from each other.
420
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,920
{\an2}Yes, it's two ways.
421
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,920
{\an2}Well, I'll go for the underneath.
422
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,360
{\an2}Hmm.
423
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,960
{\an2}It tastes brilliant. Yay!
424
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,440
{\an2}Now we move on to the pinky.
425
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,800
{\an2}So, this has got a sort of
smoked salmon casing.
426
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:52,440
{\an2}I'm going to use fingers
for this one.
427
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,400
{\an2}You might get a nice burst.
428
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:55,720
{\an2}Wow, look at that.
429
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,160
{\an2}They should be on sale.
430
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,960
{\an2}They really should. Delicious.
They'd need a lot of PR.
431
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:12,560
{\an2}Hmm.
432
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:13,760
{\an2}What was your favourite?
433
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:14,840
{\an2}I would have both.
434
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,600
{\an2}Honestly, starter and main.
435
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,560
{\an2}Yeah. You know what it is. Hmm?
436
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:24,840
{\an2}Surprisingly pleasant.
437
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,240
{\an2}That's surprisingly delicious.
438
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:27,600
{\an2}It's almost too nice.
439
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,480
{\an2}Congratulations, Sue.
440
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,560
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
441
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,120
{\an2}If I were Alex in the Porkins
restaurant, from the kitchen,
442
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,760
{\an2}I heard the following things.
443
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,800
{\an2}"Oh, my God, it reeks."
444
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,880
{\an2}And then, "Vile,
absolutely horrendous,"
445
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,840
{\an2}coming from the chef. Hmm.
446
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,800
{\an2}But, seems like it was a triumph.
447
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,000
{\an2}It came together, didn't it,
weirdly? Hmm.
448
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,360
{\an2}It's like, you know in the Matrix,
when those - it goes,
449
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,800
{\an2}"I know kung fu," it's like,
suddenly someone going, pfft -
450
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,320
{\an2}"Oh, my God, I know sausages."
451
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,960
{\an1}LAUGHTER
452
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,800
{\an2}OK, well, look here are all five
sausages, it's time to score them.
453
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:06,400
{\an2}What was the least tasty sausage?
454
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,560
{\an2}I'm afraid it's Sam's.
Sam's was inedible.
455
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,600
{\an2}Sorry, Sam.
456
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,480
{\an2}You've gotta eat.
LAUGHTER
457
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,680
{\an2}OK, 1 point to Sam, incredible.
458
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,440
{\an2}Yeah, and there was a surprisingly
pleasant moment with Susan's,
459
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,320
{\an2}but only the one moment. One moment.
Yeah, so that gets 2 points.
460
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,280
{\an2}That gets 2, I think probably...
461
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,680
{\an2}I mean, look at Lucy's.
462
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,200
{\an2}Served with a duck.
It's why it's got a duck there.
463
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:31,520
{\an2}Yeah. So, I think it'd be 3 to Lucy
and 4 to Julian, but I mean,
464
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:34,320
{\an2}it's obvious that 5 points has
to go to Sue Perkins.
465
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,280
{\an2}Are you happy with that? Of course.
5 points to Sue Perkins!
466
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,040
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
467
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,240
{\an2}Next, please!
Ooh, you're a keen one,
468
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,320
{\an2}and this is a team one.
469
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,880
{\an2}Ooh.
AUDIENCE OOHS
470
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,280
{\an2}Well, well, well.
471
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,560
{\an2}Oh, you're here. What a thrill.
472
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:02,880
{\an2}What's this? Ah.
473
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,480
{\an2}Please stand behind your buckets.
474
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,840
{\an2}And then, please put
the buckets on your heads.
475
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:09,800
{\an2}We don't even question it any more.
476
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:15,880
{\an2}Would you mind if I attach
things to you?
477
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,360
{\an2}It would be a great pleasure.
478
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:21,600
{\an2}Julian. I'm doing you first.
479
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:24,000
{\an2}Oh, my bum!
480
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,840
{\an2}That really worries me,
cos I just wasn't affected by him
481
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,680
{\an2}sort of pinning things to my boobs.
482
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,240
{\an2}You may take the tubs
off your heads.
483
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:34,320
{\an2}The task is behind you
on the whiteboard.
484
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,480
{\an2}Shall I read it? Yeah.
485
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,680
{\an2}"Complete all the tasks.
486
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:40,920
{\an2}"Then put the tubs back
on your heads.
487
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,280
{\an2}"One person must be looking at
a team-mate at all times
488
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,200
{\an2}"during these tasks.
489
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,040
{\an2}"Also, one person must be
shaking their head and smiling
490
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,600
{\an2}"at all times during the task."
491
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,120
{\an2}I could do that.
492
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,400
{\an2}"And one person must only shout."
493
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:56,880
{\an2}I'm good at shouting.
494
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,520
{\an2}Do you like shouting? Yeah.
OK, great, great, great, great.
495
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,880
{\an2}I'm going to pretend that
the fox shat in my garden again.
496
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,240
{\an2}Is that all right? There's method.
497
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,960
{\an2}I can shout. Or do you want
to shake your head and smile?
498
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,360
{\an2}Oh, that's horrible.
499
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,080
{\an2}I'm quite good at looking.
Can I do the looking?
500
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:16,440
{\an2}You're very watchful.
So, Sue's going to be shouting.
501
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,400
{\an2}Susan'll be shaking her head
and smiling. Yes.
502
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,920
{\an2}And one of you must be looking at
the other person at all times.
503
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,360
{\an2}You're easier to look at than I am.
504
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,240
{\an2}I will not have you say that.
Take that and put it in the bin.
505
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,840
{\an2}All right. I want to stare at you.
God, that's really good of you.
506
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,240
{\an2}I'll look at you. I believe that.
507
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,840
{\an2}So, you'll be shaking your head
and smiling, and looking at Sue.
508
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:33,480
{\an2}"Fastest wins."
509
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,200
{\an2}BOTH: "Your time starts when
Alex blows his whistle!"
510
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:39,120
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
Ah!
511
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,800
{\an2}Good. Seems quite straightforward.
512
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,800
{\an2}Well, I think, why don't we
just crack on with it?
513
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,960
{\an2}Lucy, you'll shout at
an imaginary fox, right,
514
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,880
{\an2}just to be clear, are you?
Oh, I know. I regret that now.
515
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,720
{\an2}You forget anyone's going
to watch when you're in there.
516
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:55,760
{\an1}LAUGHTER
517
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,600
{\an2}We're beginning with
the team of trois, here we go.
518
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,920
{\an2}There are 12 tasks on you.
519
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,840
{\an2}Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS
520
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:07,200
{\an2}Get out of my garden,
you bloody fox!
521
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:08,840
{\an2}I can't believe it! Get out!
522
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,680
{\an2}No Lucy, you don't have
to be shouting.
523
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,320
{\an2}You can shout the instructions.
524
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:15,080
{\an2}"Eat one bowl of cereal in the lab."
525
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:18,520
{\an2}So, I don't have to just continue
to shout about anything? No.
526
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,360
{\an2}"Sniff the front door!"
527
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,320
{\an2}You don't need to have eye contact,
I'm just looking at you.
528
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,320
{\an2}Did you watch Lucy sniff
the front door?
529
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,080
{\an2}I did watch her sniff
the front door.
530
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,800
{\an2}And what does it smell like, Lucy?
531
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,320
{\an2}It smelt like wood!
532
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,800
{\an2}Want to try sniffing the back door?
533
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:41,040
{\an1}THEY LAUGH
534
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,280
{\an2}Have to shout,
if you're going to comment.
535
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,000
{\an2}You're a mucky bugger!
536
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:46,880
{\an2}"Shake hands!"
537
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,440
{\an2}"Name a total of five biscuits!"
538
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,640
{\an2}Bourbons. Bourbons!
539
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,560
{\an2}Rich Tea. Rich Tea!
540
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:56,920
{\an2}Chocolate finger.
541
00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:00,480
{\an2}Chocolate finger!
Garibaldi. Garibaldi!
542
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,240
{\an2}Jam rings. Jam rings!
543
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,600
{\an2}Yeah, lovely, thank you.
Gotta shake his hand.
544
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:11,360
{\an8}"Make your buckets look
like your faces!"
545
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,560
{\an2}Well, obviously, Julian, you've
gotta be looking at Lucy. I am.
546
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:19,400
{\an2}Do him dribbling. There we are.
547
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,760
{\an2}Lovely. OK, next one.
548
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,840
{\an2}"Do a total of 20 squats!"
549
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:30,880
{\an2}Total of 20.
550
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,640
{\an2}I don't know who's counting.
551
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,120
{\an2}We've done 20, I think.
552
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,520
{\an2}I've done 15,
so that must be 20, OK.
553
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,120
{\an2}Shake hands, er, again?
554
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,680
{\an2}"Tell each other something
you've done that you regret!"
555
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,600
{\an2}Er, going to Croatia last year,
but just what happened there.
556
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,520
{\an2}Ah, OK. Cunnilingus.
557
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,240
{\an1}SHOCKED LAUGHTER
558
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,080
{\an2}I did a big poo when
I went to Kavos,
559
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:55,600
{\an2}and I threw it off the balcony.
560
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:59,320
{\an2}SHOCKED LAUGHTER
And you regret that?Yeah!
561
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:00,520
{\an2}"Shake hands."
562
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:02,800
{\an1}THEY LAUGH
563
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:04,040
{\an2}"Shake hands!"
564
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:09,280
{\an2}There's one on your shoulder.
565
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:13,480
{\an2}"Write a powerful message to
the other team on the whiteboard!"
566
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:18,960
{\an8}Wow! That's lovely!
567
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:21,320
{\an2}"Shake hands!"
568
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,280
{\an2}Buckets back on heads?
569
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:25,600
{\an2}Ooh, ow.
570
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:29,320
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
I've stopped the clock.
571
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,800
{\an1}APPLAUSE
572
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:36,640
{\an2}Well, I don't know where to start,
it's just...
573
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:40,280
{\an2}It was just like three minutes
of absolute insanity.
574
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:42,320
{\an2}Julian's big regret is cunnilingus.
575
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:43,360
{\an1}LAUGHTER
576
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,760
{\an2}And I don't know why I said that,
really, cos I didn't...
577
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,120
{\an2}..don't really regret it,
I was very good at it.
578
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,120
{\an1}SHOCKED LAUGHTER
579
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,360
{\an2}Lucy, "Oh, you mucky bugger."
580
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,360
{\an2}My next question is,
what happened in Croatia?
581
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,600
{\an2}I... Do you know what I mean?
It's not so much...
582
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,800
{\an2}And this is boring, and no-one'll
want to hear this stuff.
583
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:04,560
{\an2}It wasn't cunnilingus,
it was just...
584
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,880
{\an2}Like, I just felt like I didn't make
the most of my time there.
585
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,560
{\an1}LAUGHTER
586
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,000
{\an1}APPLAUSE
587
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:16,760
{\an2}What did you think of Sam's choice
for an inspirational message
588
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,880
{\an2}for the other team?
"Fly forever, my angels."
589
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:21,480
{\an2}Have you seen these chicks?
590
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:23,120
{\an2}They're angels!
591
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:24,800
{\an2}ALL: Aww!
592
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:25,840
{\an2}SUE: Look at him.
593
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,200
{\an2}SUSAN: I don't think I've ever
been called a "chick".
594
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,440
{\an2}No, I never - no.
LAUGHTER
595
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:33,000
{\an2}Or an angel. Or an angel.
596
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,360
{\an2}Just fly forever, chicks.
597
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,640
{\an2}Cheers, babes.
How long did they take?
598
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,920
{\an2}The team of three took
six minutes and 48.
599
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,680
{\an2}That is the bar set.
600
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:44,120
{\an2}OK, break time. Or, as I call it,
601
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,800
{\an2}"tip a pan of cold water on your
sleeping partner" time.
602
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,560
{\an2}You've got to do something
to bring the excitement back.
603
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,720
{\an2}He takes you for granted!
He's married to golf!
604
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:54,320
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
605
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:05,760
{\an2}APPLAUSE
Hello!
606
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:08,240
{\an2}Welcome to the third part
of today's Taskmaster,
607
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,440
{\an2}where there's a team task under way.
608
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,640
{\an2}There really is, and there are lots
of tasks involved in this task.
609
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,920
{\an2}Lots - and now, for lots of Sues
involved in lots of tasks.
610
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:22,040
{\an2}"Tell each other something
you've done that you regret!"
611
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:26,680
{\an2}Wearing thermals with two single
sets of boiler suits on!
612
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,760
{\an2}I regret when I decided
to put a watch battery in my ear
613
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,280
{\an2}when I was six, because my ears
weren't pierced.
614
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:37,440
{\an2}"Make your tubs look like
your faces!" What?
615
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,320
{\an2}How can we make a tub
look like a face?
616
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:42,240
{\an2}Is there anyway we can draw?
Is everything we need in here?
617
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,080
{\an2}Oh, the... Yes, there's a pen!
Well done, you're amazing.
618
00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:46,520
{\an2}Ah!
619
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,320
{\an8}Can I touch your knee? Yes!
620
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:53,520
{\an2}"Write a powerful message to
the other team on the whiteboard!"
621
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:55,320
{\an2}"Less is less."
622
00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:56,840
{\an8}There you go. Wow.
623
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,680
{\an8}I've caveated it. That is powerful.
624
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,200
{\an2}It is powerful, isn't it?
625
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,560
{\an2}"Shake hands!"
626
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,360
{\an2}I really enjoyed that.
"Sniff the front door!"
627
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:06,760
{\an2}Come on, let's sniff it!
628
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:08,920
{\an2}I forgot for a minute
that you've gotta shout.
629
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:10,560
{\an2}Damn, that smells good!
630
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:13,040
{\an2}"Shake hands!" We've done it
already, but I'm doing it again!
631
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,320
{\an2}Is it the same one?
I don't know. OK.
632
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:17,000
{\an2}"Shake hands!" What?
633
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:18,920
{\an2}"Touch me!"
634
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,480
{\an2}"Do a total of 20 squats!" OK.
635
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,680
{\an2}Oh... Oh, that's nice!
636
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,360
{\an2}Not sure this is appropriate!
What's happening?
637
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,040
{\an2}This is unbearable!
638
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,000
{\an2}17, 18... Gruelling! Oh!
639
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,560
{\an2}..19, 20!
640
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,880
{\an2}Can I? Yeah. Lot of squats
there, guys, thank you.
641
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,480
{\an2}"Eat one bowl of cereal in the lab!"
642
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,440
{\an2}Follow me to the kitchen! OK.
643
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:47,240
{\an2}Cereal's here! Don't know why
I've adopted this voice!
644
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,000
{\an2}Mm. Keep smiling, Susan.
You need to keep smiling. Mm!
645
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:51,760
{\an2}That was disgusting!
646
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:54,640
{\an2}God, this feels like the biggest
bowl of cereal I've ever had.
647
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:56,160
{\an2}"Shake hands!"
648
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,440
{\an2}MUFFLED: Can I finish now? No!
649
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:02,240
{\an2}Ooh, one more to go!
Is that the final one?
650
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:04,320
{\an2}Ah, yeah!
651
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,400
{\an2}"Name a total of five biscuits!"
652
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,560
{\an2}Garibaldi! Nice! Bourbon!
653
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:10,520
{\an2}Custard cream! Chocolate digestive!
654
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:12,840
{\an2}Jammie Dodger! And, er, that's it.
That's it!
655
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,840
{\an2}And that's television!
656
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:19,480
{\an1}APPLAUSE
657
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,600
{\an8}Ah...er, that's it! That's it!
658
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:26,640
{\an8}AUDIENCE OOHS
That's it!
659
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:32,040
{\an2}Ah! Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry.
660
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,880
{\an2}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, wow.
661
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:37,400
{\an2}I know we should start with
the heartbreaking revelation
662
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,600
{\an2}you missed a task.
Ah, well, we've just seen.
663
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:41,000
{\an2}We've just seen it now, yeah.
664
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,080
{\an2}You poured an awful lot of
cereal into those bowls.
665
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,200
{\an2}It's because I had to keep
looking at Sue as I did it,
666
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:47,600
{\an2}so I wasn't like measuring.
667
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:49,960
{\an2}And, as, as happened before
on this series, Sue,
668
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:53,880
{\an2}you inhabit this sort of bizarre
Sergeant Major character often.
669
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:56,000
{\an2}Well, it was...
You become quite military.
670
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:58,600
{\an2}Yeah, I think, er, it said shouting,
671
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:01,840
{\an2}and I suppose the only sort of
template I have for that
672
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,800
{\an2}is the army. It's just such
a strange combination.
673
00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:08,600
{\an2}It's this jolly, compliant
primary school teacher...
674
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:11,000
{\an2}..and then, a '50s sergeant major.
675
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:13,360
{\an2}And yet, you both seemed
to get on so well.
676
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:14,400
{\an2}Yeah. Yeah.
677
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,920
{\an2}I mean, obviously the team of three
have done better right?
678
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:18,480
{\an2}Yes, but not by that much.
679
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:19,760
{\an2}They got six minutes, 48,
680
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:22,000
{\an2}the team of two, seven minutes, 54.
681
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,720
{\an2}So, we'll give 5 points to
the team of three for a start.
682
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:26,200
{\an2}OK, well done, team of three.
683
00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:27,760
{\an1}APPLAUSE
684
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,200
{\an2}I'm feeling a real prick. Hm.
685
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:31,720
{\an2}You didn't complete the task.
686
00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:34,760
{\an2}Well, just give them the points,
these are dynamite chicks.
687
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,560
{\an2}They're unreal! They're massive.
688
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:42,560
{\an2}So, how many points for the
"dynamite chicks"?
689
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:45,120
{\an2}Well, I was going to say 1,
just as a sympathy thing,
690
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:47,320
{\an2}but now Sam's made me think
they're dynamite chicks,
691
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:49,000
{\an2}and I should give them 2.
692
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,520
{\an2}AUDIENCE AGREES
Yeah.Ahh.
693
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:52,920
{\an2}Yeah, go on, I'll give 'em 2.
694
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:55,760
{\an2}OK, 2 points for the team of two!
CHEERING
695
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:57,440
{\an2}It's a big enough gulf.
696
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,120
{\an2}Right, I'd like one more task,
please, little Alex Horne.
697
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:03,600
{\an2}It's now time to play
Celebrity Squares.
698
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,560
{\an2}Hello, Susan. Hiya.
699
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:24,520
{\an2}Any sign of a secret task
around the place?
700
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,760
{\an2}I don't know what you're on about.
No?
701
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:28,880
{\an2}Or you're just making small talk.
702
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:30,880
{\an2}You never know with you.
703
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:35,760
{\an2}"Recreate a well-known piece of
art on these memo squares.
704
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,720
{\an2}"You must draw on every memo square.
705
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:43,480
{\an2}"But you may only look at one
memo square at a time."
706
00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:44,840
{\an2}Hmm.
707
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:46,160
{\an2}SUE: "You have 20 minutes,
708
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:48,320
{\an2}"after which the memo squares
will be arranged
709
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,160
{\an2}"in a ten-by-ten square."
710
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:53,720
{\an2}Wow!
711
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:57,360
{\an2}"Best memo square art wins."
712
00:31:57,400 --> 00:31:59,360
{\an2}Are these different colours?
713
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:01,280
{\an2}You haven't said
"your time starts now" yet.
714
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:02,600
{\an2}I haven't, no. Right.
715
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:06,720
{\an2}Do you want me to get these pens
before the time starts?
716
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:07,880
{\an2}Yeah.
717
00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:09,560
{\an2}Could you go and get me
a red please?
718
00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:11,560
{\an2}I've got to do
every single one of these?
719
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:14,320
{\an2}Yeah, there's 100. It's a nightmare.
Hundred. Yeah.
720
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,120
{\an2}OK, you get the pens... The pens.
721
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,160
{\an2}..and then, I'll say "start".
722
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:22,520
{\an2}What when I come back? Yes.
Right. Is that all right?
723
00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:23,560
{\an2}Yes.
724
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:27,640
{\an2}He's not happy.
725
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:29,160
{\an2}There is 100 there.
726
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,720
{\an2}It's not a lot of time per square.
727
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:33,200
{\an2}Best not to do Monet.
728
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:38,720
{\an2}The medium does lend itself
to cubism.
729
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:41,680
{\an2}Can I get these out of
here before, no?
730
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:44,360
{\an2}But it seems like you can do
anything before the task.
731
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:50,440
{\an2}Can never tell, can you,
when you're laughing or sulky.
732
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:56,000
{\an2}OK, my time starts now.
733
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:58,440
{\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
734
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:02,720
{\an2}I would like to agree with Julian
and say that you're right,
735
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:05,280
{\an2}you can never tell whether
you're laughy or sulky.
736
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,680
{\an2}Yeah, just think it's worth getting
on record sometimes
737
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,720
{\an2}what an odd man you are.
LAUGHTER
738
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:11,560
{\an2}Lucy, "Best not to do Monet."
739
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:13,800
{\an2}Oh, no. Why?
740
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:16,600
{\an2}Cos it's got lots of little dots
on it, hasn't it? Yeah.
741
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:17,840
{\an2}Lots of bits. I suppose.
742
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:20,240
{\an2}Especially as his eyesight was
failing of course, as well.
743
00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:21,600
{\an2}Did he lose his ear?
744
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,280
{\an2}No, different guy.
LAUGHTER
745
00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:26,800
{\an2}One had an ear problem, one had an
eye problem. Simple as that.
746
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:28,560
{\an2}Oh. That's the way I remember them.
747
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:30,240
{\an2}Right. Mon-eye...
748
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,440
{\an2}..and Van cut-it-off.
749
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:35,280
{\an1}LAUGHTER
750
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,200
{\an2}Let's go. Yes, it's a tough task.
751
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,800
{\an2}You have to do one memo square
every 12 seconds.
752
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:41,240
{\an2}Greg. Yes.
753
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:42,960
{\an2}I would like to show you
my montage.
754
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,440
{\an2}DEEP VOICE: # Sticky memo square! #
755
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:49,280
{\an2}Can I draw a little aide-memoire
of the entire thing?
756
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:50,600
{\an2}I would.
757
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:53,240
{\an2}How many? Ten by ten?
Oh, that's wild.
758
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:56,320
{\an2}I might need more red. OK.
759
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:00,680
{\an2}Shall I tell you what it is
I'm doing?
760
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:03,120
{\an2}It's Sunflowers, by Van Gogh.
761
00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:04,440
{\an2}Three.
762
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:07,520
{\an2}I'm approaching this painting
as I'm doing admin.
763
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:09,680
{\an2}So glad I've got a tea.
764
00:34:09,720 --> 00:34:11,360
{\an2}Oh, art is hard!
765
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:13,760
{\an2}How many have you done?
You've got 16 minutes left.
766
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:17,040
{\an2}One. Am I meant to do all 100?
Yeah.
767
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:19,840
{\an2}Am I allowed to have a cheery chat
with you while I'm doing this?
768
00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:22,480
{\an2}I'd love that.
Do you like bird watching?
769
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:23,680
{\an2}Of course.
770
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:26,480
{\an2}Oh, what was on that one?
771
00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:27,840
{\an2}Just a little dot.
772
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:31,840
{\an2}Ah! How am I doing for time,
I'm pretty good.
773
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:33,480
{\an2}Pretty good, 18 minutes.
774
00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:34,520
{\an2}Got 15 minutes left.
775
00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:36,640
{\an2}So, I'm a bit behind
is what you're saying?
776
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:39,200
{\an2}Little bit behind.
That's cos I tried to engage you
777
00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:40,560
{\an2}in a conversation.
778
00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:42,160
{\an2}Never make that mistake again.
779
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:46,480
{\an2}Just can't picture this.
780
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,520
{\an2}But I'm hoping that
the subconscious has taken over,
781
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:51,880
{\an2}cos I've told my brain,
782
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:54,040
{\an2}"You're going to draw Van Gogh."
783
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:56,360
{\an2}Oh, there's so many left.
784
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:58,800
{\an2}There's so many left!
785
00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:00,560
{\an2}AHH!
786
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:02,600
{\an2}Do you want to do some dots, Alex?
787
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:05,000
{\an2}Do you want to check that
you're happy with my...?
788
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:06,360
{\an2}It's very good. Thank you.
789
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,120
{\an2}Ahh.
790
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:10,920
{\an2}Think I'm slowly getting it now.
791
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:13,560
{\an2}What's the rarest
bird you've ever seen?
792
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:16,040
{\an2}I walked in a barn recently,
and there was a barn owl,
793
00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:17,520
{\an2}and I really liked that.
794
00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:20,440
{\an2}Perhaps we could go together
one day, to look at barn owls.
795
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:22,080
{\an2}I'd very much like that, please.
796
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:24,960
{\an2}Three minutes left.
Don't talk to me. OK.
797
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,000
{\an1}SHE SIGHS
798
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:29,360
{\an2}Just remembered what
sunflowers look like.
799
00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:31,960
{\an2}Oh, God. I'm drawing poppies.
800
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,520
{\an2}You're drawing poppies? Yeah.
801
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:34,880
{\an2}Oh, no.
802
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,160
{\an2}Oh, God!
803
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,360
{\an2}Why isn't it decreasing?!
804
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,800
{\an2}This is one of the most exhausting
things I've ever done.
805
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:45,760
{\an2}Why didn't I just draw
a cock and balls?
806
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,560
{\an2}Oh, have you finished? Yeah.
807
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:53,240
{\an1}APPLAUSE
808
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,680
{\an2}Julian, that was the most content
I've seen you this series, really.
809
00:35:56,720 --> 00:35:58,200
{\an2}Yes, it was quite meditative.
810
00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:01,120
{\an2}And you've arranged a date to go
and look at owls with Alex.
811
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:04,200
{\an2}Well, he did seem to thaw out
a little bit.
812
00:36:04,240 --> 00:36:06,440
{\an2}It was a lovely 20 minutes. Yes.
813
00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:08,920
{\an2}I was involved in Julian's one.
He employed me.
814
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:10,520
{\an2}Yes. Which I was grateful for.
815
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:13,840
{\an2}Lucy, you seemed to have another
existential crisis during this.
816
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:15,040
{\an2}Yeah.
817
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:17,680
{\an2}You tried to paint subconsciously?
LAUGHTER
818
00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:19,960
{\an1}So, people do do that, don't they?
819
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:23,120
{\an2}It's worth saying at this point,
some of the people made a plan -
820
00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:25,000
{\an2}except for Lucy,
who just went for it.
821
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:26,920
{\an2}So, was picturing it in her mind
as she did it.
822
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,760
{\an2}I thought that's what you
wanted me to do. Yeah.
823
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:32,400
{\an2}And halfway through,
you had a sudden realisation that
824
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,840
{\an2}you just remembered what
sunflowers look like.
825
00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:36,800
{\an2}I was doing fucking poppies.
I know. Right.
826
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:38,800
{\an2}So, you're doing Van Gogh's poppies.
827
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:42,400
{\an2}I was getting Gok Wan
and Van Gogh mixed up. Oh, yes.
828
00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:44,040
{\an2}Well, they're very similar men.
829
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:46,360
{\an1}LAUGHTER
830
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:48,400
{\an2}OK, that's the end of part three.
831
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:51,240
{\an2}One of these lucky adults is
soon going to trot home
832
00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:53,080
{\an2}in a brand-new bi-pack...
833
00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:55,280
{\an2}LAUGHTER
..and a nappy.
834
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,360
{\an1}You'd be a fool not to come back!
835
00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:58,680
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
836
00:37:08,240 --> 00:37:09,560
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
837
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:14,040
{\an2}Hello there, welcome back for
the last part of the show.
838
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,520
{\an2}We're about to see some wonderful
pieces of art, I believe.
839
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:17,960
{\an2}You must always believe.
840
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,000
{\an2}Yes, the contestants had to recreate
a well-known piece of art
841
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:22,320
{\an2}on some memo squares.
842
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:23,920
{\an2}They had to draw on each square,
843
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:26,040
{\an2}but could only look at
one square at a time.
844
00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:29,040
{\an2}First up, get ready,
here is Sam's piece.
845
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:30,680
{\an2}Look at that.
846
00:37:30,720 --> 00:37:34,040
{\an2}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
LUCY:Wow!Wow.Sam, that's amazing!
847
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:35,480
{\an1}APPLAUSE
848
00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:37,840
{\an2}The Scream. It's amazing.
That's really good.
849
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:39,240
{\an2}SUSAN: That's incredible!
850
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,000
{\an2}It's based on a very
famous artwork.
851
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:42,560
{\an1}LAUGHTER
852
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:44,920
{\an2}You've added something quite
powerful, as well,
853
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,280
{\an2}to Munch's The Scream.
854
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:49,280
{\an2}Because I don't think,
in his original,
855
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,560
{\an2}that the eyes are mouths, are they?
856
00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:53,080
{\an1}LAUGHTER
857
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:55,680
{\an2}I also found his face
too symmetrical. Yeah.
858
00:37:55,720 --> 00:37:57,000
{\an2}We could mess with that.
859
00:37:57,040 --> 00:38:00,160
{\an2}Let's wonk that face up and stick
a couple of mouths in his eyes.
860
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,800
{\an2}It's a really tough task,
and he immediately made a grid.
861
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:04,440
{\an2}You said, "Like a draughtsman."
862
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,920
{\an2}And then, he went for it,
and he remembered there was a bridge
863
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:08,680
{\an2}in the painting,
so there was good recall.
864
00:38:08,720 --> 00:38:11,040
{\an2}That is a hell of an opener Sam,
it'll take some beating.
865
00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:13,280
{\an2}Different tactic -
this is Susan's picture.
866
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,600
{\an2}Do you know which artwork
she's recreated? I do not.
867
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:21,720
{\an2}The art piece is called Red,
by - what's his name?
868
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:24,320
{\an2}Rothko. There we go.
That's the piece.
869
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:27,440
{\an2}I ran out of red.
Did Rothko do just one red block?
870
00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:28,840
{\an2}Hmm. He did. And actually...
871
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:31,600
{\an2}Probably did, didn't he,
the chancer?
872
00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:33,680
{\an2}And I would say...
Not fooling anyone, Rothko!
873
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:34,960
{\an2}"I'm dead." I know.
874
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,880
{\an2}Also, his single-colour ones do
have different shades of
875
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:40,360
{\an2}that colour within,
so it's got elements of Rothko.
876
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:42,800
{\an2}There we go.
It's a reasonably good idea, Susan.
877
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:45,480
{\an2}Thank you. Welcome, well done.
Want to see another?
878
00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:47,560
{\an2}Yeah, is it another chick,
or is it a dude?
879
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,160
{\an2}This is a hunk called Julian Clary.
880
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:54,560
{\an2}Oh. It's good.
881
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:56,320
{\an2}Damien Hirst. It is a Damien Hirst.
882
00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:58,800
{\an2}That's it, yeah. Dots picture.
That's very good.
883
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:00,520
{\an2}Through the other side of the art,
884
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:03,200
{\an2}I can see you two handling
an owl together.
885
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:04,640
{\an1}LAUGHTER
886
00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:06,120
{\an2}Shall we see Sue Perkins now?
887
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:08,080
{\an2}Yes, I think I'd like
to see Sue Perkins now.
888
00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:10,960
{\an2}Oh, wow! Oh, wow.
889
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:12,480
{\an2}Bloody hell. That's amazing.
890
00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:15,840
{\an2}These are disappointingly good.
LAUGHTER
891
00:39:15,880 --> 00:39:19,040
{\an2}Is that the big ML?
It is the big ML, yeah. It is.
892
00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:21,040
{\an2}It's Mona Lisa, very clearly.
893
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,840
{\an2}But why not pop ET's hand in?
I know.
894
00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:28,320
{\an2}I've gone full sausage-fingers
there, haven't I?
895
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:29,720
{\an2}Why not Spielberg it?
896
00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:31,600
{\an2}This will be hard to judge this,
Greg.
897
00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:33,520
{\an2}It bloody is going to be
hard to judge. Yeah.
898
00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:36,440
{\an2}Especially cos finally,
it's Sunflowers by Van Gogh Wan,
899
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:38,720
{\an2}reimagined by Lucy Beaumont.
LAUGHTER
900
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:41,160
{\an2}Just picture the vase with
the flowers spilling out of it.
901
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:42,760
{\an2}Oh, God I can see them. And all...
902
00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:45,440
{\an2}His use of colour's amazing.
..all the golden glory.
903
00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:47,840
{\an2}Here we go. Oh, vibrant.
Ready? Yes.
904
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:50,760
{\an1}LAUGHTER
905
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:56,280
{\an2}Some of Mona Lisa's hands have
made an appearance.
906
00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:59,960
{\an2}Not to forget, quite a few chickens.
907
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:01,000
{\an2}Oh, Lucy.
908
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:03,960
{\an2}It's the vase has been dropped,
the drop...it's a broken vase.
909
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:05,480
{\an2}Oh, really? Yeah.
910
00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:08,720
{\an2}And I thought it was a mistake
to use your subconscious
911
00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:10,280
{\an2}when I heard you say it.
912
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:12,480
{\an2}Never mind, well, do you want
to see all five, and then,
913
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:14,640
{\an2}throw some points at it.
I do, yeah, I do, let's go.
914
00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:16,400
{\an2}Here they are,
here's the five of them.
915
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:20,160
{\an2}Well, I think we can safely
say that Van Gogh Wan
916
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:21,920
{\an2}probably has to get 1 point.
917
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:23,280
{\an2}OK, 1 point to Lucy. Oh.
918
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:25,640
{\an2}But then, there's a jump up
to Julian and Susan,
919
00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:28,200
{\an2}who I'll give joint points to.
How many joint points?
920
00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:30,320
{\an2}I'll give them 3 points each.
OK.
921
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:33,520
{\an2}And the other two, er, incredible,
the ambition's incredible.
922
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:35,400
{\an2}We knew what they were
straight away,
923
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:36,760
{\an2}so they take 5 points each. Wow.
924
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,960
{\an2}So, 3 each to Julian and Susan,
5 to Sue and Sam!
925
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:41,520
{\an1}CHEERING
926
00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:44,000
{\an2}Can I have a quick look at
the scores, please? 'Course you can.
927
00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:46,040
{\an2}Susan, I'm afraid you're at
the bottom with 9.
928
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,400
{\an2}At the top, it's Julian with 16,
and Sue with 15.
929
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:50,320
{\an1}APPLAUSE
930
00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:54,440
{\an2}All right, then, will you please
make your way to the stage
931
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,240
{\an2}for the final task of the show!
932
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:04,360
{\an2}Who's going to read the task out?
933
00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:06,560
{\an2}This time, Julian Clary's
going to read it.
934
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:07,760
{\an2}Julian Clary.
935
00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:13,320
{\an2}"Write the name of a different
animal on each face of your dice.
936
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:15,720
{\an2}"You have 100 seconds."
937
00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:18,840
{\an2}Simple as that, you may now pick up
your dice and your pens.
938
00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:21,600
{\an2}OK, good luck, your time starts now.
939
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:22,680
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
940
00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:29,520
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
Good.
941
00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:31,800
{\an2}We're ready for the dice games,
Greg. Let's play.
942
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:35,000
{\an2}Greg is going to read out
Round One's category.
943
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:37,000
{\an2}You'll then throw
the dice individually.
944
00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:38,640
{\an2}We'll start with you, Susan. OK.
945
00:41:38,680 --> 00:41:42,520
{\an2}"Round One, the most boring animal
will be eliminated."
946
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:43,640
{\an2}Oh.
947
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:45,240
{\an2}You want to throw your big ones.
948
00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:47,960
{\an2}That's all right. Oh.
949
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:49,600
{\an8}Dog. Uh-oh.
950
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:51,880
{\an8}Gosh, I almost fell fully asleep.
951
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:55,960
{\an8}OK, Sue, please throw your
animal dice.
952
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,080
{\an8}It is a... Elephant.
953
00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:02,000
{\an8}Less boring than a dog, you say!
954
00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:04,040
{\an8}Yes, so Sue's definitely through.
955
00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:07,040
{\an7}LAUGHTER
956
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,520
{\an8}What is it, Greg? It is a mammoth.
957
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:13,200
{\an8}AUDIENCE OOHS
Not boring.Spicy.
958
00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:15,440
{\an8}Yeah, so it's still dog, is it,
the most boring?
959
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:16,720
{\an8}Of course.
960
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:19,760
{\an8}Lucy. Have you got any bor... Hm?
961
00:42:21,240 --> 00:42:23,600
{\an8}Mice. Mice. Ooh.
962
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:25,240
{\an8}What's more boring, mice or dog?
963
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:28,240
{\an8}I think maybe mice are
more boring than dogs. Yes.
964
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:31,200
{\an8}Mice are more, er,
boring than dog...?
965
00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:33,000
{\an7}LAUGHTER
966
00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:36,520
{\an8}My mum's got mice in the downstairs
cupboard, causing mayhem.
967
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:38,400
{\an7}LAUGHTER CONTINUES
968
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:40,200
{\an8}Those mice do sound quite fun.
969
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:42,720
{\an2}Julian, good luck.
970
00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:44,840
{\an7}THEY LAUGH
971
00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:46,120
{\an8}He's thrown mouse.
972
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:48,320
{\an7}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
973
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:49,920
{\an8}I'm afraid, Julian, I must rule
974
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:52,160
{\an8}that the most boring animal
thrown is a mouse.
975
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,080
{\an8}Oh. Ah.
976
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,120
{\an8}We lose Julian. We lose Julian.
977
00:42:57,640 --> 00:42:59,440
{\an8}Right in the middle, please.
978
00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:03,080
{\an2}OK, next category.
979
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:06,840
{\an2}"The animal to be eliminated is
the most dangerous animal."
980
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,520
{\an2}We know there's a mammoth.
981
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:09,800
{\an2}Good luck, Susan.
982
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:13,320
{\an2}What is it? Oh, no!
983
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:14,360
{\an2}It's a snake.
984
00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,000
{\an8}OK.
985
00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:20,880
{\an8}Beautiful. A whale, nice blue whale.
986
00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:23,240
{\an8}Ooh, what's more dangerous,
a blue whale or a snake?
987
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:25,120
{\an8}The snake is more dangerous
thus far.
988
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:29,800
{\an8}Mammoth.
989
00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:31,920
{\an7}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
990
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,040
{\an8}What's more dangerous,
a mammoth or a snake, Greg?
991
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:36,840
{\an8}I think, to a human being, snakes
are probably more dangerous.
992
00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:37,960
{\an8}One to throw.
993
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:42,200
{\an8}Shih tzu.
994
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:47,120
{\an8}I think I must ask Susan to retire.
995
00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:48,920
{\an8}Susan Wokoma, everyone.
APPLAUSE
996
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,720
{\an2}The next category is "worst pet".
997
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:55,600
{\an2}We know there's a mammoth.
998
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:56,920
{\an2}Good luck.
999
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:01,600
{\an2}Giant squid!
1000
00:44:04,720 --> 00:44:07,720
{\an8}Genuinely a shit pet.
1001
00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:10,560
{\an8}I think "Sue's in trouble"
would be my summary.
1002
00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:11,600
{\an7}THEY LAUGH
1003
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:14,080
{\an8}It's still squid.
1004
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:17,520
{\an8}Stick insect.
1005
00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:23,120
{\an8}Oh, lovely bowl.
1006
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:24,600
{\an8}Duck-billed platypus!
1007
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:26,200
{\an7}LAUGHTER
1008
00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:28,560
{\an8}You don't see them as pets
very often.
1009
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:30,560
{\an8}But I still, given the choice,
1010
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:33,280
{\an8}would have a duck-billed platypus
over a giant squid.
1011
00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:36,080
{\an2}I'm afraid I must ask Sue
to sit down.
1012
00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:38,080
{\an1}APPLAUSE
1013
00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:41,560
{\an2}The winner will be the
"animal is most like Greg".
1014
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:43,120
{\an2}We know there's a mammoth!
1015
00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:45,360
{\an1}LAUGHTER
1016
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:49,600
{\an8}Human.
1017
00:44:49,640 --> 00:44:52,040
{\an7}LAUGHTER
1018
00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:53,920
{\an7}APPLAUSE
1019
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:57,720
{\an8}Oh, sorry. Sorry.
1020
00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:00,200
{\an8}I'm afraid it's
a duck-billed platypus.
1021
00:45:00,240 --> 00:45:02,160
{\an8}Are they still alive?
Yeah, they are.
1022
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:04,800
{\an8}They're here in human form.
1023
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:06,360
{\an8}Sam's the winner.
1024
00:45:06,400 --> 00:45:10,280
{\an2}Well done, 4 points to Susan,
4 points to Lucy, 5 points to Sam!
1025
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:12,800
{\an2}Right, we'll add those to
the final scores,
1026
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:15,160
{\an2}please come down here and join me!
1027
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:21,880
{\an2}So, scores?
1028
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:24,080
{\an2}Yes, well, obviously,
Sam got the 5 points.
1029
00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:26,160
{\an2}4 to Lucy, 3 to Sue, 2 to Susan,
1 to Julian.
1030
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:28,480
{\an2}And what a leader board we have.
1031
00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:31,800
{\an2}Lucy and Sue both have 18 points.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
1032
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:37,560
{\an2}And so, we have a tie-break!
Oh! Oh, yes, please.
1033
00:45:37,600 --> 00:45:40,560
{\an2}And in this one, they just had
to tut the loudest.
1034
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:42,800
{\an2}HE TUTS
They have ten goes at it,
1035
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,880
{\an2}but the tenth tut is the one
that counts on the decibel reader.
1036
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:47,640
{\an2}So, let's see how they got on.
1037
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:55,320
{\an8}Getting quite wet.
1038
00:45:58,320 --> 00:45:59,480
{\an2}Ah, here we go.
1039
00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:03,040
{\an8}Tut!
1040
00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:05,240
{\an7}LAUGHTER
1041
00:46:05,280 --> 00:46:06,800
{\an7}APPLAUSE
1042
00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:11,400
{\an2}The tut task has revealed
our winner, Sue Perkins wins!
1043
00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:13,400
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1044
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,440
{\an2}Please go and gather your grown-up
things that are supposed
1045
00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:18,360
{\an2}to be for children!
1046
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:20,200
{\an1}CHEERING
1047
00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:22,560
{\an2}So, what have we learnt today?
1048
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:24,920
{\an2}We've learnt that art is
truly subjective.
1049
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:27,280
{\an2}Some people like
Van Gogh Wan's chickens.
1050
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:28,600
{\an2}And some people don't.
1051
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:31,320
{\an2}With paintings, beauty lies in
the eye of the beholder.
1052
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:34,200
{\an2}As the Mona Lisa herself said...
1053
00:46:34,240 --> 00:46:35,720
{\an2}IMITATES ET: .."Phone home."
1054
00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:36,880
{\an1}LAUGHTER
1055
00:46:36,920 --> 00:46:40,040
{\an2}Goodbye, my friends, and well done
to tonight's champion,
1056
00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:42,680
{\an2}it's Sue Perkins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1057
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:09,680
{\an2}Subtitles by Red Bee Media