1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,920 {\an2}This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,480 {\an2}BELL RINGS Good evening. 3 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,640 {\an2}Argh! SLURPS LOUDLY 4 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,240 {\an2}Argh! Ah! 5 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,680 {\an1}HE VOCALISES 6 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,120 {\an2}I trained at RADA. 7 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,120 {\an2}What have I created?! 8 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,240 {\an2}So sorry. 9 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,840 {\an2}How we laughed. 10 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:21,880 {\an2}Ahh! 11 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,240 {\an2}Huh? 12 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,520 {\an2}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! 13 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,840 {\an2}Welcome to Taskmaster. 14 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:42,320 {\an2}I'm Greg Davies, and I come from a family of wise old owls. 15 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,520 {\an2}As my grandmother always used to say, 16 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,760 {\an2}"If you keep coming round here and eating my biscuits, 17 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,160 {\an2}"there'll come a time when you're not welcome any more." 18 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,520 {\an2}To which I replied, 19 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,160 {\an2}"Well, hide the barrel, old woman! 20 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,240 {\an2}"I'm only flesh and blood, and bourbons, 21 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,280 {\an2}"they're kind of my thang!" 22 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:00,240 {\an2}It's that kind of insight into the human condition that makes me 23 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,240 {\an2}uniquely qualified to make judgments. 24 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,960 {\an2}SULTRILY: And judge I shall, lest I be judged. 25 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,640 {\an1}LAUGHTER 26 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,520 {\an2}Weirdest intro yet? Perhaps. 27 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,200 {\an2}You try writing them every week! 28 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:14,160 {\an2}Let's meet our contestants, they are Julian Clary... 29 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,600 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 30 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,640 {\an2}..Lucy Beaumont... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 31 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,000 {\an2}..Sam Campbell... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 32 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,000 {\an2}..Sue Perkins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 33 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,920 {\an2}..and Susan Wokoma! 34 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,680 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 35 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:29,720 {\an2}And next to me, a man who makes up tasks in his jacuzzi 36 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,640 {\an2}and says he knows when he's come up with a good one because, 37 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,560 {\an2}and I quote, his "bald ferret breaks the surface for air." 38 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,520 {\an1}LAUGHTER 39 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,640 {\an2}HIGH-PITCHED: It's little Alex Horne! 40 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,440 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 41 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,400 {\an2}Oh. Oh, what a rush. 42 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:46,760 {\an2}Yeah, well, I'm having a big day. Oh, are you? 43 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,920 {\an2}I'm getting into Twitter. Oh, right. 44 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,840 {\an1}LAUGHTER 45 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,760 {\an2}I'm following a singer in America called Cher. Yeah. 46 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,480 {\an2}It's incredible what she gets up to. Really? Yeah. 47 00:01:56,520 --> 00:02:00,720 {\an2}True or false, Greg, she's got some new Versace shoes. 48 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,720 {\an2}Er, true. It is true! 49 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,280 {\an2}New perfume out called "Cher"? 50 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,200 {\an2}True. True! 51 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,120 {\an2}I love Twitter. Great. Yeah. 52 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:15,200 {\an2}Let's just wait for total silence, then I'll start the comedy show. 53 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,080 {\an2}Right, let's get on with the opening task. What's the opening task? 54 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:19,920 {\an2}Oh, back to business, is it? Boring! 55 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:24,000 {\an2}And the category chosen specifically for episode five is 56 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,480 {\an2}the best thing that has five things on it. 57 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,920 {\an2}The best thing with five things on it will get 5 points, 58 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,040 {\an2}and at the end of the episode, which is episode five, 59 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,960 {\an2}one of our five contestants will win five things with five things on them 60 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,480 {\an2}and get a great, big high five! 61 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,280 {\an2}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! They loved it. 62 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:42,600 {\an2}Sue, what five-thinged thing have you brought in? 63 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,120 {\an1}LAUGHTER 64 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:49,000 {\an2}My five-thinged thing is Terry the triceratops. 65 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,600 {\an2}Here, meet Terry. 66 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,040 {\an1}AUDIENCE AWWS 67 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,840 {\an2}This is a replica of something I made for my little niece. 68 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,960 {\an2}And then, my dog got hold of Terry and ate the ass out of it. 69 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:03,040 {\an2}And my niece was so distraught, I had to rebuild Terry. 70 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,800 {\an2}And I had to order a new sound-effect thing. 71 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,160 {\an2}So, I ordered it, popped it back in, 72 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,480 {\an2}and then, my niece pulled the cord 73 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,440 {\an2}and it made this noise. 74 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,000 {\an1}CAT MEOWS 75 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:19,520 {\an1}LAUGHTER 76 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:23,000 {\an2}That can happen after bowel surgery. 77 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,760 {\an2}Erm, my only slight criticism is this is supposed to be the 78 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,480 {\an2}best thing with five things on it. 79 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,720 {\an2}The original had five spiky things coming off it. 80 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,440 {\an2}Hmm. LAUGHTER 81 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:36,400 {\an2}Just pause while I write "spurious" down. 82 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,760 {\an2}Julian, hello. I think you're going to like this. 83 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,680 {\an2}It's what I can only describe as 84 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:44,400 {\an2}a miniature nudist beach with five people on it. 85 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,560 {\an2}Ah. Isn't it lovely? 86 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,400 {\an2}Would you like to zoom in? I really would. OK. 87 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,560 {\an1}LAUGHTER 88 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,040 {\an2}Oh, my God. 89 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:56,720 {\an2}It's quite detailed. Yeah. It is. 90 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,000 {\an2}And there's a story to be told in the form of the man 91 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,760 {\an2}in the middle in lederhosen. 92 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,920 {\an2}It says "voyeurism prohibited". 93 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,200 {\an2}But I don't know whether he's hiding his voyeurism. 94 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,760 {\an2}I'd say he's parading it. 95 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,640 {\an2}No, he's looking out to sea, averting his eyes. 96 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,760 {\an2}Oh, I suppose he is. 97 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,520 {\an2}Well, I'm relieved it's something to do with genitals, Julian, 98 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,160 {\an2}and I thank you. Erm, Sam. 99 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,560 {\an2}I got a Plucka duck. 100 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,280 {\an2}This is Plucka duck with five things on him. 101 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,440 {\an1}LAUGHTER 102 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,840 {\an2}This is a TV show called Hey, Hey, It's Saturday. 103 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,640 {\an2}Called Hey, Hey, It's Saturday. Yeah. Hosted by Plucka duck? 104 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,360 {\an2}By Daryl. And so, he would... 105 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:35,400 {\an1}LAUGHTER 106 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,920 {\an2}So, when the time came, they'd say, "It's not a chicken, it's not a cow, 107 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,400 {\an2}"it's Plucka duck right now." 108 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,400 {\an2}And he'd come running out, and he would just stress everyone out, 109 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,840 {\an2}and Daryl would calm him down. 110 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,960 {\an2}And then, you could win a car. OK. 111 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,920 {\an2}He'd come out like this. 112 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:53,320 {\an2}And I thought it was four things, so I was like, "Oh, Pl-Plucka duck." 113 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,640 {\an2}He come out like this? Like this, yeah. OK. 114 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,680 {\an2}So, that's $5 on there. Five Australian dollars! 115 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:02,720 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 116 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,160 {\an2}Don't encourage this madness. LAUGHTER 117 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,600 {\an2}I presume I'm not the only one in the room who thinks that 118 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,960 {\an2}Sam's making all of this up. He's definitely not. 119 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,200 {\an2}Julian was on the show. 120 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,080 {\an2}I do remember going on that show, yes. 121 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:14,800 {\an2}Not a career highlight. 122 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,480 {\an2}Thanks, Sam, er, Susan? 123 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:26,720 {\an2}So, this is an advent calendar. 124 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,360 {\an2}And here it is. 125 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,640 {\an2}Right. 126 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,560 {\an1}LAUGHTER 127 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,800 {\an1}APPLAUSE 128 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:38,440 {\an2}CHEERING It's got five things on it. 129 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,440 {\an2}It's the least-Christmassy thing I've ever seen. 130 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,200 {\an2}We like advent calendars. 131 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,040 {\an2}So, this is one you can have at any time of the year. OK. 132 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,720 {\an2}And inside... Yeah. ..are five lovely things. 133 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:53,600 {\an2}Number one is an IOU foot rub 134 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,600 {\an2}by me personally. 135 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,160 {\an2}I was told... SUE: Ooh. 136 00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:00,640 {\an2}..by an ex that I have the hands of a midwife. 137 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,880 {\an1}LAUGHTER 138 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:11,640 {\an2}LAUGHING: It is the least sexy thing that anyone's ever said to anyone. 139 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:15,960 {\an2}Number two is a very cute baby picture of me. 140 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,960 {\an2}Ah. Er, number three is a tenner. 141 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,800 {\an2}£10, as opposed to $5. Uh-oh. 142 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,680 {\an1}LAUGHTER 143 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,040 {\an2}SAM: Figure in the conversation rate, please. 144 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,920 {\an2}$5 in Australia is £2.65 sterling. 145 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,160 {\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINUES 146 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:36,840 {\an2}Number four is a £100 donation to a charity of your choice, Greg. 147 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,200 {\an2}Very clever. And then, er, 148 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:44,680 {\an2}number five is a poem about the most wonderful person. Ah. 149 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,920 {\an2}DRAMATICALLY: It's you, Greg. 150 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,920 {\an2}Of course it is, Gandhi's dead. 151 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,520 {\an2}Susan, this could be a turnaround in your fortunes, I think. Well done. 152 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:56,960 {\an2}Lucy. Yeah. It must be difficult to follow that. 153 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,320 {\an2}But I know you can. 154 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,960 {\an2}It's a Yorkshire melon. 155 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,320 {\an2}Ready, Greg? DISAPPOINTEDLY: Oh...yeah. 156 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,000 {\an1}LAUGHTER 157 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,640 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 158 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:17,840 {\an2}What you'll need to do is to talk this up, believe me. 159 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,280 {\an2}Did you want to see the other side of it? 160 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,480 {\an2}If it helps. 161 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,040 {\an2}OK, here's the other side of the melon, as they say. 162 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:27,000 {\an1}LAUGHTER 163 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,560 {\an1}APPLAUSE 164 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,920 {\an8}The thing is, about the Yorkshire puddings, 165 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,120 {\an2}they're a bowl. 166 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,680 {\an2}OK. 167 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,680 {\an2}I like putting Greek yoghurt in them. 168 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,200 {\an1}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 169 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,120 {\an2}It's like she doesn't want to win. LAUGHTER 170 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,760 {\an2}Greg we have to, er, move on now. I know we do. Yes. 171 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,840 {\an2}What's the duck called again? Plucka! 172 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,080 {\an2}Yeah, 1 point. 173 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,960 {\an1}LAUGHTER 174 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,400 {\an2}No, Greg. You're going to get a lot of letters. 175 00:07:58,440 --> 00:07:59,800 {\an1}LAUGHTER 176 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,680 {\an2}I hope you like anthrax! 177 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,320 {\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINUES 178 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,960 {\an2}I have to judge this based on whether I'd want to take 179 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,160 {\an2}these prizes home. 180 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,560 {\an2}And I don't want to take five Yorkshire puddings 181 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,240 {\an2}attached to a melon. OK, so 2 points to Lucy. 182 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,800 {\an2}I'm going to give 3 points to Sue. 3 to Perkins. 183 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,400 {\an2}I want that terrarium, I want it real bad, 184 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,280 {\an2}so I'll give 4 points. OK. 185 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:27,440 {\an2}But you know, advent calendar is a work of great art. 186 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,960 {\an2}Ah. And it takes 5 points on this occasion. Well done. 187 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,520 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 188 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,400 {\an2}What's task number one, please, Alex? 189 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,920 {\an2}Task number two, actually, never mind. 190 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,320 {\an2}Here it is anyway, pop! 191 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,000 {\an2}Hey. Hey, Sam. 192 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,080 {\an2}You should knock. 193 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,720 {\an2}Really? Mm-hm. Oh. 194 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,280 {\an2}Come in. 195 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,360 {\an2}SAM CHUCKLES You're in the hutch. 196 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,320 {\an2}It's lovely, isn't it? Trendy. 197 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:14,440 {\an2}Are you trendy? I thought I was when I was younger. 198 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,360 {\an2}I'm not, no. Ah, well. 199 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,840 {\an2}Oh. Nearly dead now. Yeah. 200 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,480 {\an1}LAUGHTER 201 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:24,040 {\an2}"Burst this balloon from the furthest distance. 202 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:28,240 {\an2}"You must not be looking at the balloon when you burst the balloon. 203 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,840 {\an2}It's standard practice. Never look a balloon in the eye. 204 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,960 {\an2}"When you burst the balloon, you must not look at it. 205 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,160 {\an2}"You've got 15 minutes. 206 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,880 {\an2}"And your time starts...now." 207 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,720 {\an2}Burst the balloon at a distance? That's it? Yeah. 208 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:47,440 {\an2}And all of these people are clever, so they'll get really far, I think. 209 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,560 {\an2}Shall we start with Lucy and Susan? 210 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,200 {\an2}Here we go. 211 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,160 {\an2}Going to go to the shed, is that all right? OK. 212 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,160 {\an2}Thanks. 213 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,920 {\an2}Come on baby. 214 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,960 {\an2}Oh, I'm connecting to it like it's a baby. 215 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,400 {\an2}Uh-oh. Yeah, you'll have to burst that baby. Yeah. 216 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:10,600 {\an2}I was hoping that you had, like... a slingshot. 217 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,080 {\an2}Thank you. Ooh-ho-ho. 218 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:20,120 {\an2}Has he been good? Yes, and no. 219 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,360 {\an2}So, can you see the balloon? I can see it now. 220 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,200 {\an2}Right, you're not allowed to see it. 221 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,800 {\an2}That hit the bloody balloon, didn't it? 222 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,160 {\an2}My aim's not bad. OK. 223 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:36,240 {\an2}These are the wrong instruments. I'll be back in a second. OK. 224 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,080 {\an1}LAUGHTER 225 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:51,280 {\an1}APPLAUSE 226 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,960 {\an2}Right. 227 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,400 {\an2}OK, I'm not looking at it. 228 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,640 {\an1}AUDIENCE OHHS 229 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,480 {\an2}The point is to keep that in position. 230 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:15,720 {\an2}Ready? 231 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,440 {\an2}Ahh! Ah. 232 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,600 {\an2}You were quite close to it - oh. 233 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,640 {\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 234 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,760 {\an2}Come on, you bastard! 235 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,600 {\an1}APPLAUSE 236 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,760 {\an1}BREATHES HEAVILY 237 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:55,520 {\an1}APPLAUSE 238 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:02,280 {\an2}I'm not sure the arrogance in that swagger away was earned. 239 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,440 {\an2}No, there was no arrogance, I have a natural swagger. 240 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,080 {\an2}It can be confusing sometimes. 241 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,200 {\an2}I mean, how far away was Susan? Do you want to tell me before we...? 242 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,000 {\an2}I can, I mean, I've measured it in aspirins, cos it was so close. 243 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,880 {\an2}Yeah.71 aspirins away. LAUGHTER 244 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,240 {\an2}I think that's a lot, man. You wouldn't have a headache. 245 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,040 {\an2}It was bad, and there's only one thing I think that can make you feel 246 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,760 {\an2}a bit better about your attempt. I don't think there is, but shoot. 247 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,880 {\an2}Yes, there is, it's me talking to Lucy. OK. 248 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,320 {\an2}I don't think it'd be possible 249 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,680 {\an2}for you to get closer to that balloon. 250 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,240 {\an2}But what was - what was the task? 251 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,040 {\an2}To be as far away as you could be when you popped it. 252 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,840 {\an2}Well, that's what I did! 253 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:43,040 {\an2}You can't get far away from it, cos you wouldn't be able to pop it. 254 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:51,040 {\an2}I'm intrigued. Are you saying someone was further away? 255 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,240 {\an2}Well, Susan was, for a start. 256 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,360 {\an2}And Susan was rubbish. 257 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:01,080 {\an2}15 aspirins. LAUGHTER 258 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,360 {\an2}Advert time. 259 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,600 {\an2}Some say marketing people are the scum of the earth. 260 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,440 {\an2}Bottom-feeders who spend their working days dreaming up legal ways 261 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:08,880 {\an2}of conning you out of your money. 262 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,240 {\an2}And by some people, I mean me! I say that! 263 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,000 {\an2}Regret rien, though! Bye! 264 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,480 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 265 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,920 {\an2}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! 266 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,080 {\an2}Welcome back to the second part of the show. 267 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,080 {\an2}Yes, I'm clean, I'm mean, 268 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,480 {\an2}and I thought Sean was pronounced "Sheen." 269 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,480 {\an2}LAUGHTER Next up, Sam and Julian. 270 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,120 {\an2}Oh, no. 271 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:41,400 {\an2}Is this something that would excite a heterosexual, do you think? 272 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,280 {\an2}Apparently so. Hmm. 273 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,520 {\an2}Do we still have nails? 274 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,120 {\an2}Strong ones? 275 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,920 {\an2}I'd like something really hot. 276 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,880 {\an2}Hot nails. Yeah. 277 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:55,040 {\an2}All right, I'm coming out. 278 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,600 {\an2}Right, you've come out. 279 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,520 {\an2}Hmm? 280 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:04,640 {\an2}So, you're attaching nails to a golf ball. Yeah. Yeah. 281 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,360 {\an2}Just like in the old country. 282 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,000 {\an2}What about that, man? Yeah, that's pretty cool. 283 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,960 {\an2}Underarm, or overarm? That's the only question. 284 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,200 {\an2}Ooh. 285 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,920 {\an2}So, you're not looking at the balloon. 286 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,320 {\an2}I'm just going to close my eyes. OK. 287 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,200 {\an1}AUDIENCE LAUGHS 288 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,720 {\an2}My God! How much time? 289 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,120 {\an2}A minute-and-a-half. Oh, I'm going to throw. 290 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,840 {\an1}LAUGHTER 291 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:55,080 {\an2}I was hoping to get it up near the end of the house. Yeah. 292 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,600 {\an2}No, it's just there in the end. 293 00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,720 {\an2}Hopefully it'll land on the ball. 294 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:12,880 {\an2}Er... 295 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,840 {\an2}Fuck, that sucked. 296 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,720 {\an1}APPLAUSE 297 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,480 {\an2}I think this might come across quite judgmental of me, Julian. Mm-hm. 298 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,480 {\an2}But when I heard that your plan, such as it was, 299 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,520 {\an2}was to throw the balloon, my gut instinct told me, 300 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,480 {\an2}"This man is not a natural thrower." LAUGHTER 301 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,960 {\an2}I mean, to be honest, it was very, very cold that day, 302 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,760 {\an2}and I wanted to get it over with. 303 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,200 {\an2}When I saw you throw it, I thought, 304 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:48,880 {\an2}"No-one could throw a balloon a shorter distance than that." 305 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:52,240 {\an1}LAUGHTER 306 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:56,360 {\an2}You put all that power into it, and you threw it largely up. 307 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:59,320 {\an2}But then, I ran. And everyone saw it. 308 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,280 {\an2}The running away helped, though. It really did. Oh, it did? 309 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,720 {\an2}By the time it landed, he was 564 aspirins away. 310 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,920 {\an2}Er, Julian, 292 aspirins. Wow! 311 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,360 {\an2}OK, there's one person left to see. 312 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,560 {\an2}Just a minute, it's Sue Perkins! 313 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:19,680 {\an2}So, what I'm going to try and do is truss it up like a haggis, 314 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,960 {\an2}and then, pull it off. 315 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,960 {\an2}I wasn't expecting a haggis reference. 316 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,720 {\an2}No, but it's very haggae-like. 317 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,120 {\an2}I'll pop that round there. 318 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,560 {\an2}Would you - can I just give that to you one second? 319 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,440 {\an2}Only a few minutes left, Sue. 320 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,720 {\an2}Well, I mean...it's win-win. 321 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,520 {\an2}I mean, either it works or, you know... 322 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,880 {\an2}Or you lose. 323 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,920 {\an2}Right, is it looking taut from your end? 324 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,480 {\an2}It's very taut, Sue. 325 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,120 {\an2}Very taut? Oh, yeah. 326 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,000 {\an2}I'm trying to work out what level yank I go for. 327 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,920 {\an2}That's up to you. 328 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,040 {\an2}I think mid-yank. 329 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,320 {\an2}Good luck. 330 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,040 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 331 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:22,920 {\an2}Did it work? 332 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,320 {\an2}You can come and have a look. 333 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,640 {\an2}It worked. It teetered, it wobbled, and then, it burst. 334 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,720 {\an2}If I do nothing else in this life, that was worth it. 335 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,040 {\an2}LAUGHTER Back to base. 336 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,120 {\an2}It really was joyous. You must be thrilled. 337 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,600 {\an2}I was so elated. I was buzzing after that. 338 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,560 {\an2}We could see, because you ran like a five-year-old 339 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,640 {\an2}to see that balloon. 340 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,920 {\an2}So many aspirins, I bet you'll have to shift your system, won't you? 341 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:58,440 {\an2}Er, I don't have to, no, but it is a lot, it's 2,459 aspirins. 342 00:17:58,480 --> 00:17:59,920 {\an2}Imagine that. A lot of aspirins. 343 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:03,800 {\an2}Yeah, you're not allowed to buy that much in one go. No. 344 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,840 {\an2}Incredible. Points-wise, it's 1 to you, Lucy, 2 to Susan, 345 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:10,520 {\an2}3 to Julian, 4 to Sam, 5 points, though, to Sue Perkins! 346 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,840 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 347 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,160 {\an2}Should I have a little look at the scoreboard? 348 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:18,560 {\an2}Unfortunately, Lucy, you're still rock-bottom with 3 points. Oh. 349 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,760 {\an2}At the top, it is Sue Perkins with 8 points. 350 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,440 {\an2}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good. 351 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,920 {\an2}Very good. I'd like another task, please.Well, in that case, 352 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,840 {\an2}here is a fun task based on organised groups of criminals. 353 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,160 {\an1}KNOCKING ON DOOR 354 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,320 {\an2}Come in. 355 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:49,400 {\an2}Hiya. 356 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,160 {\an2}Wow. 357 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,680 {\an2}What is this? 358 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,360 {\an2}It's actually making me feel a bit itchy. 359 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,320 {\an2}Aren't they sweet? Took me a while, that. 360 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,440 {\an2}You know how to enjoy yourself, don't you? 361 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,720 {\an1}LAUGHTER 362 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:09,400 {\an2}Any sign of any, er, secret tasks around the house? 363 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,280 {\an2}Oh, well, I couldn't tell you, I mean, you know that, right? 364 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,280 {\an2}I just heard a rumour that sometimes Greg hides secret tasks 365 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,360 {\an2}around the house. Yeah, there is that rumour. 366 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,760 {\an2}Yeah, well, I've got a lot of little googlies to look at, 367 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,920 {\an2}so I don't have time for... 368 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,080 {\an2}HE WHISPERS: ..secret... 369 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,560 {\an2}tasks. 370 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:32,320 {\an2}JULIAN: "Make the most cool, but scary gang using these eyes. 371 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,520 {\an2}"You have 15 minutes. 372 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,280 {\an2}"Your time starts now." 373 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,880 {\an2}So, once I've got my gang, what do we, like, how do we, 374 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,560 {\an2}do we like, do we have to get someone or something? 375 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,520 {\an2}Maybe you'll be the person who we get. 376 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,720 {\an8}So, you can use the big ones, the small ones. 377 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,800 {\an2}Yes, I've gathered that. Yeah. 378 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,840 {\an2}Thanks very much. 379 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:57,480 {\an2}So, every scary gang needs... a tall one. 380 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,800 {\an2}I think I can make myself cool. 381 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,040 {\an2}Uh-huh. What sort of cool things do you want? 382 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:04,320 {\an2}Erm, do you have a skateboard? 383 00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:07,720 {\an2}I think we do. A big reefer? 384 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,560 {\an2}I don't think we have that. 385 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,000 {\an1}APPLAUSE 386 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:18,080 {\an2}Sam, when you said "Do we have to get someone?" Yeah. 387 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,960 {\an2}I believe it was a genuine question. 388 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,680 {\an2}Well, just in my gang, that's what we'd often do. 389 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,760 {\an1}LAUGHTER 390 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,920 {\an2}You don't want to find out more about his gang? 391 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,960 {\an2}What gang were you in? Hell's Angels. 392 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,280 {\an2}Did you have a hog? Er, skateboard division. 393 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,080 {\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINUES 394 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,640 {\an2}The first gang-makers we're going to see are Julian and Sue. 395 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,320 {\an2}SUE: Right, every... 396 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,400 {\an2}Don't mind me. 397 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,760 {\an2}Ah. Every gang needs a leader, right? 398 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,920 {\an2}It's going to be a gang of teapots, 399 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:57,080 {\an2}which has a sort of... gay undercurrent, 400 00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:58,480 {\an2}do you know what I'm saying? 401 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,800 {\an2}Oh, dear, I might need to nail-gun that on. 402 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,280 {\an2}I used to be called a teapot at school. 403 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,440 {\an2}Don't know if you know I'm a homosexual. 404 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,600 {\an2}Oh, congratulations. 405 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:15,920 {\an2}Once you start looking... this is a mob, not a gang, isn't it? 406 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,120 {\an2}Get a loving embrace on that. 407 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,000 {\an2}There, just... 408 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,000 {\an2}Flamingo, brains of the operation. 409 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,600 {\an2}Don't do very much, and certainly no good in a chase. 410 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,560 {\an2}This one has massive eye-bollock. 411 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:34,880 {\an2}It's just massive. 412 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,200 {\an2}LAUGHTER Listen, listen to the noise of that. 413 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,840 {\an1}RAPID CLICKING 414 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:44,720 {\an2}It's not helpful. 415 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:52,440 {\an2}That's funny. 416 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,240 {\an1}APPLAUSE 417 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:04,000 {\an2}Right, why is a flamingo no good in a chase? 418 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:07,680 {\an2}They often, er, one-legged when they stand, when they're at rest, 419 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:12,720 {\an2}they're on one leg, so they don't have the best start in a chase. 420 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,240 {\an2}The cool thing about the gang that I created... 421 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:16,800 {\an2}Here we go, this'll be interesting. 422 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:20,560 {\an2}..is that wherever you are, there's somebody on, watching you. 423 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:24,680 {\an2}So, if you're low-down, the beaver's eye-bollock will see you. Yeah. 424 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:30,000 {\an2}To the side, old one-legged flamingo got you in his scope. OK. 425 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,640 {\an2}What do you think of Sue's gang? One word. Oh. 426 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:36,840 {\an2}I nearly said it was... a sw-swear word. 427 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,480 {\an2}Do you think it's that bad? 428 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:39,680 {\an2}I think it's poor. 429 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,400 {\an1}LAUGHTER 430 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,560 {\an2}I've just realised how out of sync I am with reality. 431 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,840 {\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINUES 432 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,920 {\an2}So, if you look at that, and then, we'll compare it to Julian's, 433 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,800 {\an2}who just used teapots. 434 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,600 {\an1}LAUGHTER 435 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,920 {\an2}It's cool, but scary. Come on. 436 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,760 {\an2}I've got a beaver with an eye-bollock! 437 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,040 {\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINEUS 438 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:05,840 {\an2}Julian, are you pleased with your gang? 439 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:09,400 {\an2}Yes, they're cool because they're an oppressed minority who've found 440 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,040 {\an2}their voice and their strength. 441 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,880 {\an1}LAUGHTER 442 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,320 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 443 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:23,640 {\an2}I do think that your oppressed minority are really cool. 444 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,120 {\an2}Are they scary? 445 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,760 {\an2}Yes, cos there's so many of them and, 446 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,680 {\an2}now they've got strength in numbers, 447 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,600 {\an2}they could pour you to death. 448 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:33,480 {\an2}Is that a pun on "pour"? 449 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,400 {\an2}Yes, it was a pun - you like a pun, don't you? 450 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:36,960 {\an2}Lovely, yeah, I really like them. 451 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,840 {\an2}I put that in for you, whoever you are. 452 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:42,720 {\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 453 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,320 {\an2}Very good. Who's next? 454 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:48,760 {\an2}OK, next to gang up is Lucy. 455 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,680 {\an1}SWANKY MUSIC PLAYS 456 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,680 {\an1}CHEERING 457 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,480 {\an2}Well, I'm certainly scared. 458 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:22,000 {\an2}Exactly! I was underneath that. 459 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,480 {\an2}That's true. That was me. 460 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:25,880 {\an2}FLATLY: No way. 461 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:28,120 {\an2}I guess I'll ask some basic questions, Lucy, 462 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,600 {\an2}do you know what a gang is? 463 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,880 {\an2}Yeah. Well, I was in a gang, 464 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,160 {\an2}but they couldn't come out to play that night. 465 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,000 {\an2}To play? Yeah. 466 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,720 {\an2}So, I'm left with the terrifying gang leader. 467 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,280 {\an2}Oh, I'm not the gang leader. 468 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:43,680 {\an2}So, who was that character? 469 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,760 {\an2}Big Billy Big Bollocks. 470 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:49,800 {\an2}LAUGHTER Big Billy Big Bollocks.Yeah. 471 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,960 {\an2}Now we've got a fight on our hands. LAUGHTER 472 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,360 {\an2}Jesus Christ. 473 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,720 {\an2}OK probably bedtime for the kids now, isn't it? 474 00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:58,840 {\an2}Why are they still up? 475 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,320 {\an2}Oh, you think this programme's educational? 476 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:02,800 {\an2}Pull yourself together! 477 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,880 {\an2}They're falling behind in school, and it's your fault! 478 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,880 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 479 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,040 {\an2}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! 480 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,960 {\an2}You join us for part three of Taskmaster, where we're in 481 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,120 {\an2}the intimidating presence of the googly-eyed gangs. 482 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,640 {\an2}We're basically a pair of Ross Kemps. 483 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,320 {\an2}Next up... LAUGHTER 484 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:29,720 {\an2}..it's Susan Wokoma's gang! 485 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,160 {\an1}CHILDISH MUSIC PLAYS 486 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,960 {\an2}JOLLY VOICE: Hello, pleased to meet ya, 487 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,360 {\an2}I'm Satan! 488 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:35,680 {\an1}DUCK SOBS QUIETLY 489 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,760 {\an2}GRUFF VOICE: Alison! 490 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,720 {\an8}SULTRY ITALIAN VOICE: Ciao bella, I'm Helmet. 491 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,000 {\an8}ABRASIVE VOICE: I'm Tim, and I will kill you! 492 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,720 {\an1}SOBBING CONTINUES 493 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:46,920 {\an2}Iain! 494 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,120 {\an2}Finish him! 495 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,600 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 496 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,200 {\an2}Now we're getting somewhere. 497 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:06,240 {\an2}I like the gang. 498 00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:08,680 {\an2}Well, she's a classically-trained actor, as well, and... 499 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,720 {\an2}I did all the voices. You used your acting skills. 500 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,640 {\an2}Yeah, and I did like the cinematography. 501 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,080 {\an2}I didn't want to step on toes, because it's a collaboration, 502 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,520 {\an2}but I knew what I was doing. 503 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,680 {\an2}You didn't think at any point to make it really scary of getting 504 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,320 {\an2}a skateboard and a saxophone, and just going... 505 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:25,120 {\an1}LAUGHTER 506 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,320 {\an2}It didn't cross my mind, no, no. 507 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:32,080 {\an2}Who's next? OK, well, finally, it's Sam Gangball. 508 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,280 {\an1}CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS 509 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,400 {\an2}AUDIENCE OOHS Oi! 510 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:44,080 {\an2}Oh. Ah. Lookie here, fellas. 511 00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:46,560 {\an2}A two-eyed bastard. 512 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:50,520 {\an2}Us two-eyed blokes are sick of you gangs. 513 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:52,560 {\an2}I'm going to alert the police about you. 514 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,160 {\an2}Yeah, good luck. 515 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,920 {\an2}Excuse me, officer, I'd like to report a gang. 516 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:00,880 {\an2}Ahh! 517 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,200 {\an2}That's right. Our gang have infiltrated the police. 518 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,520 {\an2}And soon, we will infiltrate the government. 519 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:12,800 {\an1}APPLAUSE 520 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,520 {\an1}CHEERING 521 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,880 {\an2}I mean, the three-eyed boot boys were genuinely creepy, I thought. 522 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,120 {\an2}Yeah. Hmm. That was good, that, Sam. 523 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,480 {\an2}Genuinely creepy. 524 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:25,280 {\an2}Talk me through the genesis of the gang, Sam. 525 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,720 {\an2}So, basically, we had so many eyes. Yeah. 526 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,520 {\an2}I'm thinking, "Let's definitely incorporate them." 527 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,920 {\an1}LAUGHTER 528 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,920 {\an2}Good thinking. Have you seen this, 529 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:39,760 {\an2}the Planet of the Apes sort of thing? 530 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,360 {\an2}Yeah, that sort of thing, yeah. 531 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,160 {\an2}Basically, the apes are number one in that world. Yeah. 532 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,040 {\an2}And the human is... 533 00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,000 {\an2}In the minority. Yeah. Yeah. 534 00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,560 {\an2}So, that's kind of similar to what I was up to. 535 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:52,760 {\an1}LAUGHTER 536 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:58,280 {\an2}Well, I shall start from the bottom, shouldn't I? OK. Worst gang. 537 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,520 {\an2}Well, you say that, Sue. 538 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:01,760 {\an2}LUCY: Oh, God! 539 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,720 {\an1}LAUGHTER 540 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,480 {\an2}As an act of entertainment, I thoroughly enjoyed it, 541 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,680 {\an2}but it wasn't a gang, wasn't scary - 1 point. 542 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:12,600 {\an2}Oh, right. It goes without saying that Sue Perkins can thank me 543 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,160 {\an2}for her 2 points. Right. 2 to Sue. 544 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:18,960 {\an2}Julian, 3 points. Susan, 4 points, but really, 545 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,080 {\an2}because it genuinely creeped me out, 546 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,640 {\an2}Sam takes the 5 points. There we go, well done, Sam. 547 00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,120 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 548 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:29,920 {\an2}One more, please! OK, here we go. 549 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:43,320 {\an2}Yes! 550 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,640 {\an2}Yes. What an entrance. 551 00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:47,440 {\an2}I know. 552 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:50,360 {\an2}Yo. You're very welcome. 553 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,040 {\an2}Ooh. Ooh. 554 00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,360 {\an2}The weird bloody jelly. Flowers. 555 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,880 {\an2}Pardon? Unset blood jelly. 556 00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:58,680 {\an2}Name of my first band. 557 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:00,440 {\an2}Didn't go anywhere. 558 00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:01,680 {\an2}It's red water. 559 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,680 {\an2}You do know that's, like, not a thing? 560 00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:05,960 {\an2}No, that's like a... 561 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:08,320 {\an2}Anyway, I mean, I'm not going to fight you. 562 00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:10,880 {\an2}Any sign of any secret tasks anywhere, Julian? 563 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,640 {\an2}You're being a bit cryptic. 564 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:17,800 {\an2}Shall I go for it? I think you'd better. 565 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:21,880 {\an2}Sorry. Sorry. 566 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,880 {\an2}"Get all the water in the vase." 567 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:29,600 {\an2}"If you spill any water from the plate, you are disqualified. 568 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,440 {\an2}"You may not leave the lab. 569 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:32,840 {\an2}"Fastest wins." 570 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:35,120 {\an2}"Your time starts now." 571 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:37,000 {\an2}You just have to get that in there? 572 00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:39,320 {\an2}All of it, and if you spill a single drop, Lucy, 573 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,400 {\an2}you'll be disqualified. OK. 574 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,400 {\an2}WHISPERS: But what are the matches for? 575 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:53,400 {\an2}Amazing, Julian, how you can just say the word "yes" to Alex, 576 00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:55,720 {\an2}and it feels like you're insulting him. 577 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:57,320 {\an2}He brings it out of me. 578 00:29:57,360 --> 00:29:59,960 {\an2}Yeah, people say I'm a bully, but I'm not - it's him, isn't it? 579 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,040 {\an2}It is him. LAUGHTER 580 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:04,720 {\an2}Let's have a look. OK, well, first up in the lab, 581 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,440 {\an2}it's Julian Clary and Lucy Ann Beaumont. 582 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:09,760 {\an2}and fun fact - Lucy's initials spell out "lab," 583 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:12,320 {\an2}but Julian's don't, so here we go. 584 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,400 {\an2}Any spillage it's all over. 585 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,960 {\an2}Yes, I understood the brief, thank you. 586 00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:19,720 {\an1}LAUGHTER 587 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:24,080 {\an2}There isn't time to reduce that by heating it up, is there. 588 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:29,080 {\an2}Is it a red herring? 589 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:31,680 {\an2}Oh. LAUGHTER 590 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:36,400 {\an2}Oh, no, it's stuck. Oh, no. 591 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:37,760 {\an2}Oh, God. 592 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:41,440 {\an2}Oh...oh, here we go. 593 00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:43,480 {\an2}You can't get it up. 594 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:44,680 {\an2}Pardon? 595 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:47,560 {\an2}Oh, it's coming unstuck. 596 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:56,680 {\an1}HE GASPS 597 00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,080 {\an1}AUDIENCE GASPS 598 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,080 {\an2}LAUGHTER Right, OK. 599 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:12,720 {\an8}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Oh. There's a spillage. 600 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:14,000 {\an2}What a shame. 601 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:16,480 {\an2}Soiled your floor, Alex. 602 00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:17,840 {\an2}It's seen worse. 603 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:20,760 {\an1}AUDIENCE LAUGHS 604 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,840 {\an1}LUCY LAUGHS DESPERATELY 605 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:42,600 {\an2}None of it's gone in. 606 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:49,080 {\an1}APPLAUSE 607 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:52,200 {\an2}Well, I mean, neither of you just tried to pour it straight into 608 00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:54,400 {\an2}the vase, so that's encouraging. Yeah. 609 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:56,800 {\an2}Can I say anything else positive? 610 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,880 {\an2}No. LAUGHTER 611 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:01,400 {\an2}I mainly want to know how the others did it, you know, 612 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:02,960 {\an2}to learn from them. 613 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:07,760 {\an2}I will say, it is fastest wins, so... Yeah. Did I do it? 614 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,480 {\an2}No! LAUGHTER 615 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:13,200 {\an2}Have you lost your mind? 616 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,640 {\an2}I'll just say you both quite quick, but it's irrelevant unfortunately. 617 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,480 {\an2}Right, we're off to a crushingly poor start. OK. 618 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,960 {\an2}Who's next? Next up, it's Susan. 619 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,760 {\an2}I was thinking I'd drink that and spit it in there. 620 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:32,040 {\an2}Er, the only reason why I'm not doing that immediately... Mm-hm? 621 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:35,120 {\an2}..is because there's an effing candle. What is that? 622 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:36,680 {\an2}Yeah, yeah. 623 00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:38,960 {\an2}I'd say we have provided everything you need. 624 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:40,560 {\an2}I would argue that you haven't. 625 00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:44,160 {\an2}Fine. 626 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:45,320 {\an2}Shit. 627 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,960 {\an8}Why has that got...what's that? What's that bit? 628 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:55,200 {\an1}AUDIENCE GASPS 629 00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:59,360 {\an1}SHE SLURPS 630 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:00,920 {\an1}SHE LAUGHS 631 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:11,960 {\an2}Mm! Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm-mm. 632 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:13,880 {\an2}Mm-mm-mm-mm! 633 00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:14,920 {\an2}Mm-mm. 634 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,480 {\an1}SHE CHOKES 635 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:24,640 {\an2}Don't spill any. 636 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,120 {\an2}How am I going to get the last bit in? 637 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,280 {\an2}Is that where the bloody candle starts growing a fucking mouth 638 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,000 {\an2}and starts doing it for me?! 639 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:36,040 {\an2}Sorry. 640 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:38,480 {\an2}Sorry, I just didn't... I've had an outburst. 641 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:46,880 {\an1}SHE STRAINS 642 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:48,240 {\an2}Be careful with the end. 643 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:52,200 {\an1}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 644 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,080 {\an1}SHE LAUGHS 645 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:55,680 {\an1}AUDIENCE OOHS 646 00:33:58,320 --> 00:33:59,720 {\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINUES 647 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:04,520 {\an2}LAUGHTER CONTINUES Bye-bye. 648 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:06,480 {\an1}APPLAUSE 649 00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:11,880 {\an1}Incredible. I've got some questions. 650 00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:15,040 {\an2}Why did you light a match, and then, throw it into the water? 651 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:17,720 {\an2}It's just one of those things where if there's something there 652 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,640 {\an2}and you've got no clue how to use it, just have an experiment, 653 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:22,120 {\an2}if it fails, that's all right. 654 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:24,360 {\an2}And then, yeah, and then, I discovered the straw, 655 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,760 {\an2}which made so much more sense. It did make sense. Yes. 656 00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:29,160 {\an2}And it was fairly effective initially, until you made 657 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,640 {\an2}yourself laugh.Yeah. LAUGHTER 658 00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:33,520 {\an2}That was your downfall, hubris. Yes. 659 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:35,920 {\an2}We were in that lab for a long time. We was. 660 00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:39,040 {\an2}You were sucking the rose for 14 minutes. All right, mate. 661 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:44,280 {\an2}You absolute monster. 662 00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:45,920 {\an2}Susan failed, correct? 663 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:49,000 {\an2}Yeah, there were drips, you couldn't do that. There were drips. 664 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,800 {\an2}Right, three total failures, then into break. 665 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:53,040 {\an1}LAUGHTER 666 00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:55,800 {\an2}In the final part of the show, one lucky winner will head home 667 00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:58,040 {\an2}with five tiny nudists. 668 00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:00,880 {\an2}We're a modern show, guys, get over it! 669 00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:03,080 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 670 00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:11,280 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 671 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:12,680 {\an2}Hello, welcome back. 672 00:35:12,720 --> 00:35:15,200 {\an2}And, would you believe it, it's the final part of the show. 673 00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:17,680 {\an2}It certainly is. And you, sir, are my dream partner. 674 00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:20,040 {\an2}The current task sees them trying to fill a vase 675 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:21,800 {\an2}full of water from a plate. 676 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:23,760 {\an2}We're down to the final two to try and fill, 677 00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:26,000 {\an2}but not spill - it's Sam and Sue. 678 00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,080 {\an2}Initial thoughts. 679 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:35,440 {\an2}Could I drink this, and then, stand on that? 680 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:37,680 {\an2}I don't think it's what we've asked you to do. 681 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:43,120 {\an2}Hey, we seem to have some sort of straw. 682 00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:46,120 {\an2}I don't understand why this is part of it. I know. 683 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:48,320 {\an2}Oh, is paper? Has it got invisible ink on it? 684 00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:49,760 {\an2}OK, can I light this up? 685 00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:51,800 {\an2}SHE STRAINS Ah. Right. 686 00:35:53,040 --> 00:35:54,560 {\an2}What's this little badger? 687 00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:59,080 {\an8}I see something. Ooh. 688 00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:01,640 {\an8}It says, "Candle, candle." 689 00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:12,040 {\an2}Well, this is going to take seven days. 690 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:15,120 {\an2}Ah! I'm just going to start doing stuff with the water and the thing, 691 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:17,000 {\an2}I can't really be bothered with that. 692 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:18,600 {\an2}Rah-lah - OK, let's keep going. 693 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:20,200 {\an2}What could these be for? 694 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:26,600 {\an2}Right, OK, there's a diagram here. 695 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:29,360 {\an2}There's a diagram of a vase and a plate. 696 00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:30,640 {\an2}Can you show it to me? 697 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:35,120 {\an2}"Candle o...candle on..." 698 00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:37,080 {\an2}Oh, it's something over candle. 699 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:38,680 {\an2}Can I put the plate on the vase? 700 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:43,560 {\an2}Oh, there is like a weird trap door. 701 00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:45,040 {\an2}Oh. Ah. 702 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,400 {\an1}LAUGHTER 703 00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:51,680 {\an2}Is that good? 704 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:57,080 {\an1}SHE STRAINS 705 00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:03,640 {\an2}Well, but nothing happened! 706 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:05,960 {\an8}Now you've made me look like a proper fool. 707 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:08,880 {\an1}SHE SIGHS 708 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:11,120 {\an2}That's useless - that's worse than useless! 709 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:14,440 {\an2}Unless it goes like that. 710 00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:15,960 {\an1}LAUGHTER 711 00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:22,880 {\an2}"Candle on plate, vase on candle." 712 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:24,280 {\an2}There's something yellow. 713 00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:25,880 {\an2}Oh, "Light the candle." 714 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,440 {\an2}Really? 715 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:29,960 {\an8}And then, put that on there. 716 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,960 {\an2}How's that going to make the water go up? 717 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:38,040 {\an8}What?! 718 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:39,560 {\an1}SHE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY 719 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:41,480 {\an2}How does that work?! APPLAUSE 720 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:44,040 {\an2}Whoa! Wow! 721 00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:51,120 {\an2}It actually w... 722 00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:53,040 {\an2}How the hell does that ha...? 723 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:55,040 {\an2}Wh-What have I created?! 724 00:37:57,920 --> 00:37:59,440 {\an8}Awesome. 725 00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:00,720 {\an8}Bye-bye. 726 00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,640 {\an2}Is there anything about me not being able to lick around the corners? 727 00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:07,280 {\an2}You can lick around the corners. 728 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:13,840 {\an2}Urgh. 729 00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:15,240 {\an1}SLURPS LOUDLY 730 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:18,720 {\an2}Ahh. 731 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:26,560 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 732 00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:34,320 {\an2}You know you've got good studio audience when they start cheering 733 00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:36,160 {\an2}a rudimentary science experiment. 734 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:40,720 {\an2}Really, all I ever want to discuss ever again is Sue's decision 735 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:42,960 {\an2}to lick around the corners. 736 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:44,640 {\an2}Circles don't have corners. 737 00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:47,400 {\an2}No that's true. Yeah, but, yeah. But round the parameter. 738 00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:49,160 {\an2}I hate myself, I hate myself. Yeah. 739 00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:50,440 {\an2}No, you're right to be... 740 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:52,960 {\an2}You're right to hate yourself. LAUGHTER 741 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:54,960 {\an2}But incredibly, incredibly thorough. 742 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:58,040 {\an2}Sam, your instinct was to ask whether you could drink 743 00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:00,520 {\an2}the liquid and stand on the vase. 744 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:02,000 {\an2}Yeah, I think that... 745 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:04,720 {\an2}I kind of wish I'd gone with that approach. 746 00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:07,680 {\an2}Anyway, I did it right and I got the points, so let's move on. 747 00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:09,560 {\an2}No, no, nothing... No need for chatting. 748 00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:11,920 {\an2}Nothing else went down. Sam's very keen that we move on. 749 00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:14,880 {\an2}Yeah, that was a hell of a task, man, that was fantastic. 750 00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:17,560 {\an2}Why are you being like this? No reason. 751 00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:19,320 {\an2}We can watch him again, if you want? 752 00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:21,520 {\an2}ALL: Ohh. Let's have a look, then. 753 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:29,120 {\an2}I've got some on the table! 754 00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:31,160 {\an2}I think that's disqualified. 755 00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:32,760 {\an2}So you're disqualifying yourself. 756 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,040 {\an1}HE SIGHS 757 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:36,160 {\an8}If I put it like this... Remember. 758 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:37,760 {\an7}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 759 00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:42,680 {\an2}Well, I'm going to hope that wasn't seen, OK. 760 00:39:42,720 --> 00:39:44,520 {\an2}Can I keep going, just to look at what it said? 761 00:39:44,560 --> 00:39:46,480 {\an2}Do whatever you want. 762 00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:48,840 {\an8}Like that? And that'll do something? 763 00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:50,080 {\an8}How would that do the... 764 00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:51,640 {\an8}Oh. 765 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,320 {\an2}Ah! 766 00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:58,520 {\an2}They both bravely carried on, but we did spot the spillages. 767 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:02,080 {\an2}Did anyone manage this task? No. 768 00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,440 {\an2}If, in the Olympics, there was a sport and they were like, 769 00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:06,080 {\an2}"Yeah, no-one can do it," 770 00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:07,800 {\an2}don't have it in the Olympics. 771 00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:11,160 {\an1}LAUGHTER 772 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,120 {\an1}APPLAUSE 773 00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:16,440 {\an2}OK, no points. 774 00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:18,280 {\an1}THEY LAUGH 775 00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:19,920 {\an2}Can we have a look at the scores? 776 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:22,600 {\an2}I can tell you the series scores at this point. 777 00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:24,480 {\an2}It's quite spicy, we have Susan on 61, 778 00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:27,800 {\an2}Lucy on 62, little jump up to Sue on 70, 779 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:29,400 {\an2}another jump up to Julian on 81, 780 00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:31,160 {\an2}and Sam on 84 at this point. 781 00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,360 {\an1}CHEERING 782 00:40:34,720 --> 00:40:37,520 {\an2}However, despite losing in the series at the moment, 783 00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:40,400 {\an2}she's winning this episode, Susan's in the lead with 11 points! 784 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:41,640 {\an2}Hey! 785 00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:44,760 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 786 00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:49,680 {\an2}Right, please, can you all make your way to the stage for 787 00:40:49,720 --> 00:40:51,280 {\an2}the final task of the show! 788 00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:03,440 {\an2}Hello, my love. 789 00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:04,920 {\an2}Watcha, mate. 790 00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:07,160 {\an2}Who will be reading the task out, Alex? 791 00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:10,960 {\an2}Sam Campbell will be reading the task out. Ah, Samuel. 792 00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:12,760 {\an2}"Sip your drink. 793 00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:14,440 {\an2}"You may only touch the loo roll, 794 00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:18,200 {\an2}"and you may not reach over the line. Fastest wins." 795 00:41:18,240 --> 00:41:20,960 {\an2}So, you have one loo roll each. There's a red line here. 796 00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:24,240 {\an2}I'm keeping an eye on that. No part of you may cross that line. 797 00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:26,240 {\an2}OK. We'll have three rounds of this. 798 00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:27,800 {\an2}All of you will do all three rounds, 799 00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:30,600 {\an2}and we'll work out who's the best at sipping the drink quickest. 800 00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:32,440 {\an2}You may now approach your loo rolls, 801 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:35,640 {\an2}and it's up to you if you're going to squat, kneel, sit, or stand. 802 00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,880 {\an2}OK, good luck, everyone, on the whistle. 803 00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:45,360 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 804 00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,360 {\an8}LUCY: I've got different toilet paper. 805 00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:50,360 {\an7}SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE 806 00:41:50,400 --> 00:41:52,760 {\an8}You-You're rolling it the wrong way. 807 00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:53,800 {\an8}Uh-oh. 808 00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:55,640 {\an8}Oh, we've lost Sue! 809 00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:57,160 {\an8}We've lost Sue! 810 00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:59,240 {\an8}Julian's looking good. 811 00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,480 {\an8}Go on, Julian. 812 00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:04,520 {\an8}Oh, Julian lovely. 813 00:42:06,560 --> 00:42:08,640 {\an1}CHEERING 814 00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:14,760 {\an2}Oh, that's it! That's it, that's it. 815 00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:17,960 {\an2}Round 1 was won by Julian, and Lucy came in second place, 816 00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:19,960 {\an2}the others failed to complete the task. 817 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:21,480 {\an8}Lovely. Round 1 over. 818 00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:23,200 {\an2}Reset the drinks board! 819 00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:28,200 {\an2}We have reset. 820 00:42:28,240 --> 00:42:30,400 {\an1}LAUGHTER 821 00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:31,480 {\an2}Yes, we have, Greg. 822 00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:33,680 {\an2}Competitors, please take your positions. 823 00:42:33,720 --> 00:42:35,560 {\an2}Got a slightly bigger drink this time - 824 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:38,200 {\an2}and there's Lucy standing up. LAUGHTER 825 00:42:38,240 --> 00:42:40,160 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 826 00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:41,440 {\an2}And they're off. 827 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:46,640 {\an2}Oh, a steady start, a very steady start. 828 00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:49,240 {\an8}Ah, yeah they've got their favourites. 829 00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:51,240 {\an8}Oh! Lovely, Lucy. 830 00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:02,920 {\an1}CHEERING 831 00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:05,920 {\an1}THEY SCREAM LAUGHTER 832 00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:08,760 {\an1}CHEERING CONTINUES 833 00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:11,760 {\an2}LUCY: Thank you. 834 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,640 {\an2}I'm so sorry, Greg, we've analysed the footage. Yes. 835 00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:17,160 {\an2}Unfortunately, Lucy's fingertips did cross the line, 836 00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:18,760 {\an2}and we said no part of your body. 837 00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:20,280 {\an1}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 838 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,120 {\an1}LAUGHTER 839 00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:25,960 {\an1}APPLAUSE 840 00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:34,080 {\an2}I'm sorry I did that. I just got really angry. 841 00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,200 {\an2}SAM: It was good. Sorry. 842 00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:38,440 {\an2}So, Sam won that one, and Julian came second. 843 00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:40,360 {\an2}Again, the Sues failed to do the task. 844 00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:41,400 {\an2}SUSAN: All right! 845 00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:45,200 {\an8}It's the final round, it's non-alcoholic champagne round. 846 00:43:45,240 --> 00:43:46,480 {\an2}Again, it's just a sip to win. 847 00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:48,840 {\an2}Is it sham-pagne? It is sham-champagne. 848 00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:51,560 {\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 849 00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:54,960 {\an2}You may take your positions, contestants. 850 00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:56,240 {\an2}LUCY: So nervous. 851 00:43:58,240 --> 00:43:59,680 {\an2}Good luck, on the whistle. 852 00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:04,040 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS And they're off. 853 00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:09,440 {\an8}This is the one to win! 854 00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:13,120 {\an8}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS We've lost Susan! 855 00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:16,760 {\an2}LUCY: Fuck's sake! 856 00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:24,920 {\an1}CHEERING 857 00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:30,080 {\an1}AUDIENCE OOHS 858 00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:31,880 {\an2}SAM: You can do something there. 859 00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,840 {\an2}You've just gotta not cross that line. 860 00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:36,720 {\an2}SUE: Lasso. Lasso it. 861 00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:38,560 {\an2}AUDIENCE MEMBER: Someone else does it? 862 00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:40,960 {\an8}Someone else who's already been disqualified...! 863 00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:42,520 {\an7}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 864 00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:45,280 {\an2}JULIAN: Sabotage. 865 00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:47,880 {\an2}SUSAN: Ohh! So close! 866 00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:54,720 {\an2}Well done, Julian. 867 00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:57,240 {\an2}That might be one of the most heroic acts... 868 00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,920 {\an7}LAUGHTER ..that have lost a person points. 869 00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:04,000 {\an2}Please come and join me! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 870 00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:16,080 {\an2}What? Oh, God. LAUGHTER 871 00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:18,320 {\an2}"Oh, that." 872 00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:21,600 {\an2}Poignant and emotional at the end there, cos Sue completed the task, 873 00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:23,880 {\an2}but then, put her hand over to help Julian 874 00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:25,480 {\an2}before the task was over, so... 875 00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:27,760 {\an2}She's out. Yeah. ALL: Ohh! 876 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,680 {\an2}I know, she threw herself in front of a bullet for a friend. 877 00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:33,880 {\an2}That's the LGBT community for you. Yeah. 878 00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:36,560 {\an1}CHEERING 879 00:45:41,240 --> 00:45:43,320 {\an2}It meant Julian gets 5 points. 880 00:45:43,360 --> 00:45:46,760 {\an2}Yes. Sam 4, Lucy 3, and joint fourth-place, 881 00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:48,520 {\an2}the Sues get 2 points each. 882 00:45:48,560 --> 00:45:50,600 {\an2}And so, we've got 12, 13, 14, 15 - 883 00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:53,400 {\an2}and the man with 15 points, at the top of the leader board, 884 00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:54,440 {\an2}it's Julian! 885 00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:57,080 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 886 00:45:58,920 --> 00:46:00,120 {\an2}Julian Clary wins! 887 00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:03,200 {\an2}Please go and fetch your five things that each of which 888 00:46:03,240 --> 00:46:04,800 {\an2}have five things on them! 889 00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:07,320 {\an1}CHEERING 890 00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:11,080 {\an2}So, what have we learnt today? 891 00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:14,120 {\an2}We've learnt that a new Olympics sport has been born, 892 00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:18,200 {\an2}and won't it be exciting at Paris '24 when we see our very own 893 00:46:18,240 --> 00:46:22,000 {\an2}Sue Perkins awarded the gold medal for being the best in the world 894 00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:25,160 {\an2}at licking around the corners of a circle. 895 00:46:25,200 --> 00:46:29,440 {\an2}And at the halfway point, the champion of the night 896 00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:32,000 {\an2}is Julian Clary! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 897 00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:59,000 {\an2}Subtitles by Red Bee Media