This programme contains strong language and adult humour
BELL RINGS Good evening.
Argh! SLURPS LOUDLY
Argh! Ah!
HE VOCALISES
I trained at RADA.
What have I created?!
So sorry.
How we laughed.
Ahh!
Huh?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello!
Welcome to Taskmaster.
I'm Greg Davies, and I come from a family of wise old owls.
As my grandmother always used to say,
"If you keep coming round here and eating my biscuits,
"there'll come a time when you're not welcome any more."
To which I replied,
"Well, hide the barrel, old woman!
"I'm only flesh and blood, and bourbons,
"they're kind of my thang!"
It's that kind of insight into the human condition that makes me
uniquely qualified to make judgments.
SULTRILY: And judge I shall, lest I be judged.
LAUGHTER
Weirdest intro yet? Perhaps.
You try writing them every week!
Let's meet our contestants, they are Julian Clary...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Lucy Beaumont... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Sam Campbell... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Sue Perkins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, a man who makes up tasks in his jacuzzi
and says he knows when he's come up with a good one because,
and I quote, his "bald ferret breaks the surface for air."
LAUGHTER
HIGH-PITCHED: It's little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh. Oh, what a rush.
Yeah, well, I'm having a big day. Oh, are you?
I'm getting into Twitter. Oh, right.
LAUGHTER
I'm following a singer in America called Cher. Yeah.
It's incredible what she gets up to. Really? Yeah.
True or false, Greg, she's got some new Versace shoes.
Er, true. It is true!
New perfume out called "Cher"?
True. True!
I love Twitter. Great. Yeah.
Let's just wait for total silence, then I'll start the comedy show.
Right, let's get on with the opening task. What's the opening task?
Oh, back to business, is it? Boring!
And the category chosen specifically for episode five is
the best thing that has five things on it.
The best thing with five things on it will get 5 points,
and at the end of the episode, which is episode five,
one of our five contestants will win five things with five things on them
and get a great, big high five!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! They loved it.
Sue, what five-thinged thing have you brought in?
LAUGHTER
My five-thinged thing is Terry the triceratops.
Here, meet Terry.
AUDIENCE AWWS
This is a replica of something I made for my little niece.
And then, my dog got hold of Terry and ate the ass out of it.
And my niece was so distraught, I had to rebuild Terry.
And I had to order a new sound-effect thing.
So, I ordered it, popped it back in,
and then, my niece pulled the cord
and it made this noise.
CAT MEOWS
LAUGHTER
That can happen after bowel surgery.
Erm, my only slight criticism is this is supposed to be the
best thing with five things on it.
The original had five spiky things coming off it.
Hmm. LAUGHTER
Just pause while I write "spurious" down.
Julian, hello. I think you're going to like this.
It's what I can only describe as
a miniature nudist beach with five people on it.
Ah. Isn't it lovely?
Would you like to zoom in? I really would. OK.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God.
It's quite detailed. Yeah. It is.
And there's a story to be told in the form of the man
in the middle in lederhosen.
It says "voyeurism prohibited".
But I don't know whether he's hiding his voyeurism.
I'd say he's parading it.
No, he's looking out to sea, averting his eyes.
Oh, I suppose he is.
Well, I'm relieved it's something to do with genitals, Julian,
and I thank you. Erm, Sam.
I got a Plucka duck.
This is Plucka duck with five things on him.
LAUGHTER
This is a TV show called Hey, Hey, It's Saturday.
Called Hey, Hey, It's Saturday. Yeah. Hosted by Plucka duck?
By Daryl. And so, he would...
LAUGHTER
So, when the time came, they'd say, "It's not a chicken, it's not a cow,
"it's Plucka duck right now."
And he'd come running out, and he would just stress everyone out,
and Daryl would calm him down.
And then, you could win a car. OK.
He'd come out like this.
And I thought it was four things, so I was like, "Oh, Pl-Plucka duck."
He come out like this? Like this, yeah. OK.
So, that's $5 on there. Five Australian dollars!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Don't encourage this madness. LAUGHTER
I presume I'm not the only one in the room who thinks that
Sam's making all of this up. He's definitely not.
Julian was on the show.
I do remember going on that show, yes.
Not a career highlight.
Thanks, Sam, er, Susan?
So, this is an advent calendar.
And here it is.
Right.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
CHEERING It's got five things on it.
It's the least-Christmassy thing I've ever seen.
We like advent calendars.
So, this is one you can have at any time of the year. OK.
And inside... Yeah. ..are five lovely things.
Number one is an IOU foot rub
by me personally.
I was told... SUE: Ooh.
..by an ex that I have the hands of a midwife.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHING: It is the least sexy thing that anyone's ever said to anyone.
Number two is a very cute baby picture of me.
Ah. Er, number three is a tenner.
£10, as opposed to $5. Uh-oh.
LAUGHTER
SAM: Figure in the conversation rate, please.
$5 in Australia is £2.65 sterling.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Number four is a £100 donation to a charity of your choice, Greg.
Very clever. And then, er,
number five is a poem about the most wonderful person. Ah.
DRAMATICALLY: It's you, Greg.
Of course it is, Gandhi's dead.
Susan, this could be a turnaround in your fortunes, I think. Well done.
Lucy. Yeah. It must be difficult to follow that.
But I know you can.
It's a Yorkshire melon.
Ready, Greg? DISAPPOINTEDLY: Oh...yeah.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What you'll need to do is to talk this up, believe me.
Did you want to see the other side of it?
If it helps.
OK, here's the other side of the melon, as they say.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
The thing is, about the Yorkshire puddings,
they're a bowl.
OK.
I like putting Greek yoghurt in them.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
It's like she doesn't want to win. LAUGHTER
Greg we have to, er, move on now. I know we do. Yes.
What's the duck called again? Plucka!
Yeah, 1 point.
LAUGHTER
No, Greg. You're going to get a lot of letters.
LAUGHTER
I hope you like anthrax!
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
I have to judge this based on whether I'd want to take
these prizes home.
And I don't want to take five Yorkshire puddings
attached to a melon. OK, so 2 points to Lucy.
I'm going to give 3 points to Sue. 3 to Perkins.
I want that terrarium, I want it real bad,
so I'll give 4 points. OK.
But you know, advent calendar is a work of great art.
Ah. And it takes 5 points on this occasion. Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What's task number one, please, Alex?
Task number two, actually, never mind.
Here it is anyway, pop!
Hey. Hey, Sam.
You should knock.
Really? Mm-hm. Oh.
Come in.
SAM CHUCKLES You're in the hutch.
It's lovely, isn't it? Trendy.
Are you trendy? I thought I was when I was younger.
I'm not, no. Ah, well.
Oh. Nearly dead now. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
"Burst this balloon from the furthest distance.
"You must not be looking at the balloon when you burst the balloon.
It's standard practice. Never look a balloon in the eye.
"When you burst the balloon, you must not look at it.
"You've got 15 minutes.
"And your time starts...now."
Burst the balloon at a distance? That's it? Yeah.
And all of these people are clever, so they'll get really far, I think.
Shall we start with Lucy and Susan?
Here we go.
Going to go to the shed, is that all right? OK.
Thanks.
Come on baby.
Oh, I'm connecting to it like it's a baby.
Uh-oh. Yeah, you'll have to burst that baby. Yeah.
I was hoping that you had, like... a slingshot.
Thank you. Ooh-ho-ho.
Has he been good? Yes, and no.
So, can you see the balloon? I can see it now.
Right, you're not allowed to see it.
That hit the bloody balloon, didn't it?
My aim's not bad. OK.
These are the wrong instruments. I'll be back in a second. OK.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Right.
OK, I'm not looking at it.
AUDIENCE OHHS
The point is to keep that in position.
Ready?
Ahh! Ah.
You were quite close to it - oh.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Come on, you bastard!
APPLAUSE
BREATHES HEAVILY
APPLAUSE
I'm not sure the arrogance in that swagger away was earned.
No, there was no arrogance, I have a natural swagger.
It can be confusing sometimes.
I mean, how far away was Susan? Do you want to tell me before we...?
I can, I mean, I've measured it in aspirins, cos it was so close.
Yeah.71 aspirins away. LAUGHTER
I think that's a lot, man. You wouldn't have a headache.
It was bad, and there's only one thing I think that can make you feel
a bit better about your attempt. I don't think there is, but shoot.
Yes, there is, it's me talking to Lucy. OK.
I don't think it'd be possible
for you to get closer to that balloon.
But what was - what was the task?
To be as far away as you could be when you popped it.
Well, that's what I did!
You can't get far away from it, cos you wouldn't be able to pop it.
I'm intrigued. Are you saying someone was further away?
Well, Susan was, for a start.
And Susan was rubbish.
15 aspirins. LAUGHTER
Advert time.
Some say marketing people are the scum of the earth.
Bottom-feeders who spend their working days dreaming up legal ways
of conning you out of your money.
And by some people, I mean me! I say that!
Regret rien, though! Bye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to the second part of the show.
Yes, I'm clean, I'm mean,
and I thought Sean was pronounced "Sheen."
LAUGHTER Next up, Sam and Julian.
Oh, no.
Is this something that would excite a heterosexual, do you think?
Apparently so. Hmm.
Do we still have nails?
Strong ones?
I'd like something really hot.
Hot nails. Yeah.
All right, I'm coming out.
Right, you've come out.
Hmm?
So, you're attaching nails to a golf ball. Yeah. Yeah.
Just like in the old country.
What about that, man? Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Underarm, or overarm? That's the only question.
Ooh.
So, you're not looking at the balloon.
I'm just going to close my eyes. OK.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
My God! How much time?
A minute-and-a-half. Oh, I'm going to throw.
LAUGHTER
I was hoping to get it up near the end of the house. Yeah.
No, it's just there in the end.
Hopefully it'll land on the ball.
Er...
Fuck, that sucked.
APPLAUSE
I think this might come across quite judgmental of me, Julian. Mm-hm.
But when I heard that your plan, such as it was,
was to throw the balloon, my gut instinct told me,
"This man is not a natural thrower." LAUGHTER
I mean, to be honest, it was very, very cold that day,
and I wanted to get it over with.
When I saw you throw it, I thought,
"No-one could throw a balloon a shorter distance than that."
LAUGHTER
You put all that power into it, and you threw it largely up.
But then, I ran. And everyone saw it.
The running away helped, though. It really did. Oh, it did?
By the time it landed, he was 564 aspirins away.
Er, Julian, 292 aspirins. Wow!
OK, there's one person left to see.
Just a minute, it's Sue Perkins!
So, what I'm going to try and do is truss it up like a haggis,
and then, pull it off.
I wasn't expecting a haggis reference.
No, but it's very haggae-like.
I'll pop that round there.
Would you - can I just give that to you one second?
Only a few minutes left, Sue.
Well, I mean...it's win-win.
I mean, either it works or, you know...
Or you lose.
Right, is it looking taut from your end?
It's very taut, Sue.
Very taut? Oh, yeah.
I'm trying to work out what level yank I go for.
That's up to you.
I think mid-yank.
Good luck.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Did it work?
You can come and have a look.
It worked. It teetered, it wobbled, and then, it burst.
If I do nothing else in this life, that was worth it.
LAUGHTER Back to base.
It really was joyous. You must be thrilled.
I was so elated. I was buzzing after that.
We could see, because you ran like a five-year-old
to see that balloon.
So many aspirins, I bet you'll have to shift your system, won't you?
Er, I don't have to, no, but it is a lot, it's 2,459 aspirins.
Imagine that. A lot of aspirins.
Yeah, you're not allowed to buy that much in one go. No.
Incredible. Points-wise, it's 1 to you, Lucy, 2 to Susan,
3 to Julian, 4 to Sam, 5 points, though, to Sue Perkins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Should I have a little look at the scoreboard?
Unfortunately, Lucy, you're still rock-bottom with 3 points. Oh.
At the top, it is Sue Perkins with 8 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good.
Very good. I'd like another task, please.Well, in that case,
here is a fun task based on organised groups of criminals.
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Come in.
Hiya.
Wow.
What is this?
It's actually making me feel a bit itchy.
Aren't they sweet? Took me a while, that.
You know how to enjoy yourself, don't you?
LAUGHTER
Any sign of any, er, secret tasks around the house?
Oh, well, I couldn't tell you, I mean, you know that, right?
I just heard a rumour that sometimes Greg hides secret tasks
around the house. Yeah, there is that rumour.
Yeah, well, I've got a lot of little googlies to look at,
so I don't have time for...
HE WHISPERS: ..secret...
tasks.
JULIAN: "Make the most cool, but scary gang using these eyes.
"You have 15 minutes.
"Your time starts now."
So, once I've got my gang, what do we, like, how do we,
do we like, do we have to get someone or something?
Maybe you'll be the person who we get.
So, you can use the big ones, the small ones.
Yes, I've gathered that. Yeah.
Thanks very much.
So, every scary gang needs... a tall one.
I think I can make myself cool.
Uh-huh. What sort of cool things do you want?
Erm, do you have a skateboard?
I think we do. A big reefer?
I don't think we have that.
APPLAUSE
Sam, when you said "Do we have to get someone?" Yeah.
I believe it was a genuine question.
Well, just in my gang, that's what we'd often do.
LAUGHTER
You don't want to find out more about his gang?
What gang were you in? Hell's Angels.
Did you have a hog? Er, skateboard division.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
The first gang-makers we're going to see are Julian and Sue.
SUE: Right, every...
Don't mind me.
Ah. Every gang needs a leader, right?
It's going to be a gang of teapots,
which has a sort of... gay undercurrent,
do you know what I'm saying?
Oh, dear, I might need to nail-gun that on.
I used to be called a teapot at school.
Don't know if you know I'm a homosexual.
Oh, congratulations.
Once you start looking... this is a mob, not a gang, isn't it?
Get a loving embrace on that.
There, just...
Flamingo, brains of the operation.
Don't do very much, and certainly no good in a chase.
This one has massive eye-bollock.
It's just massive.
LAUGHTER Listen, listen to the noise of that.
RAPID CLICKING
It's not helpful.
That's funny.
APPLAUSE
Right, why is a flamingo no good in a chase?
They often, er, one-legged when they stand, when they're at rest,
they're on one leg, so they don't have the best start in a chase.
The cool thing about the gang that I created...
Here we go, this'll be interesting.
..is that wherever you are, there's somebody on, watching you.
So, if you're low-down, the beaver's eye-bollock will see you. Yeah.
To the side, old one-legged flamingo got you in his scope. OK.
What do you think of Sue's gang? One word. Oh.
I nearly said it was... a sw-swear word.
Do you think it's that bad?
I think it's poor.
LAUGHTER
I've just realised how out of sync I am with reality.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
So, if you look at that, and then, we'll compare it to Julian's,
who just used teapots.
LAUGHTER
It's cool, but scary. Come on.
I've got a beaver with an eye-bollock!
LAUGHTER CONTINEUS
Julian, are you pleased with your gang?
Yes, they're cool because they're an oppressed minority who've found
their voice and their strength.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I do think that your oppressed minority are really cool.
Are they scary?
Yes, cos there's so many of them and,
now they've got strength in numbers,
they could pour you to death.
Is that a pun on "pour"?
Yes, it was a pun - you like a pun, don't you?
Lovely, yeah, I really like them.
I put that in for you, whoever you are.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Very good. Who's next?
OK, next to gang up is Lucy.
SWANKY MUSIC PLAYS
CHEERING
Well, I'm certainly scared.
Exactly! I was underneath that.
That's true. That was me.
FLATLY: No way.
I guess I'll ask some basic questions, Lucy,
do you know what a gang is?
Yeah. Well, I was in a gang,
but they couldn't come out to play that night.
To play? Yeah.
So, I'm left with the terrifying gang leader.
Oh, I'm not the gang leader.
So, who was that character?
Big Billy Big Bollocks.
LAUGHTER Big Billy Big Bollocks.Yeah.
Now we've got a fight on our hands. LAUGHTER
Jesus Christ.
OK probably bedtime for the kids now, isn't it?
Why are they still up?
Oh, you think this programme's educational?
Pull yourself together!
They're falling behind in school, and it's your fault!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
You join us for part three of Taskmaster, where we're in
the intimidating presence of the googly-eyed gangs.
We're basically a pair of Ross Kemps.
Next up... LAUGHTER
..it's Susan Wokoma's gang!
CHILDISH MUSIC PLAYS
JOLLY VOICE: Hello, pleased to meet ya,
I'm Satan!
DUCK SOBS QUIETLY
GRUFF VOICE: Alison!
SULTRY ITALIAN VOICE: Ciao bella, I'm Helmet.
ABRASIVE VOICE: I'm Tim, and I will kill you!
SOBBING CONTINUES
Iain!
Finish him!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now we're getting somewhere.
I like the gang.
Well, she's a classically-trained actor, as well, and...
I did all the voices. You used your acting skills.
Yeah, and I did like the cinematography.
I didn't want to step on toes, because it's a collaboration,
but I knew what I was doing.
You didn't think at any point to make it really scary of getting
a skateboard and a saxophone, and just going...
LAUGHTER
It didn't cross my mind, no, no.
Who's next? OK, well, finally, it's Sam Gangball.
CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS
AUDIENCE OOHS Oi!
Oh. Ah. Lookie here, fellas.
A two-eyed bastard.
Us two-eyed blokes are sick of you gangs.
I'm going to alert the police about you.
Yeah, good luck.
Excuse me, officer, I'd like to report a gang.
Ahh!
That's right. Our gang have infiltrated the police.
And soon, we will infiltrate the government.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
I mean, the three-eyed boot boys were genuinely creepy, I thought.
Yeah. Hmm. That was good, that, Sam.
Genuinely creepy.
Talk me through the genesis of the gang, Sam.
So, basically, we had so many eyes. Yeah.
I'm thinking, "Let's definitely incorporate them."
LAUGHTER
Good thinking. Have you seen this,
the Planet of the Apes sort of thing?
Yeah, that sort of thing, yeah.
Basically, the apes are number one in that world. Yeah.
And the human is...
In the minority. Yeah. Yeah.
So, that's kind of similar to what I was up to.
LAUGHTER
Well, I shall start from the bottom, shouldn't I? OK. Worst gang.
Well, you say that, Sue.
LUCY: Oh, God!
LAUGHTER
As an act of entertainment, I thoroughly enjoyed it,
but it wasn't a gang, wasn't scary - 1 point.
Oh, right. It goes without saying that Sue Perkins can thank me
for her 2 points. Right. 2 to Sue.
Julian, 3 points. Susan, 4 points, but really,
because it genuinely creeped me out,
Sam takes the 5 points. There we go, well done, Sam.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
One more, please! OK, here we go.
Yes!
Yes. What an entrance.
I know.
Yo. You're very welcome.
Ooh. Ooh.
The weird bloody jelly. Flowers.
Pardon? Unset blood jelly.
Name of my first band.
Didn't go anywhere.
It's red water.
You do know that's, like, not a thing?
No, that's like a...
Anyway, I mean, I'm not going to fight you.
Any sign of any secret tasks anywhere, Julian?
You're being a bit cryptic.
Shall I go for it? I think you'd better.
Sorry. Sorry.
"Get all the water in the vase."
"If you spill any water from the plate, you are disqualified.
"You may not leave the lab.
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now."
You just have to get that in there?
All of it, and if you spill a single drop, Lucy,
you'll be disqualified. OK.
WHISPERS: But what are the matches for?
Amazing, Julian, how you can just say the word "yes" to Alex,
and it feels like you're insulting him.
He brings it out of me.
Yeah, people say I'm a bully, but I'm not - it's him, isn't it?
It is him. LAUGHTER
Let's have a look. OK, well, first up in the lab,
it's Julian Clary and Lucy Ann Beaumont.
and fun fact - Lucy's initials spell out "lab,"
but Julian's don't, so here we go.
Any spillage it's all over.
Yes, I understood the brief, thank you.
LAUGHTER
There isn't time to reduce that by heating it up, is there.
Is it a red herring?
Oh. LAUGHTER
Oh, no, it's stuck. Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Oh...oh, here we go.
You can't get it up.
Pardon?
Oh, it's coming unstuck.
HE GASPS
AUDIENCE GASPS
LAUGHTER Right, OK.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Oh. There's a spillage.
What a shame.
Soiled your floor, Alex.
It's seen worse.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
LUCY LAUGHS DESPERATELY
None of it's gone in.
APPLAUSE
Well, I mean, neither of you just tried to pour it straight into
the vase, so that's encouraging. Yeah.
Can I say anything else positive?
No. LAUGHTER
I mainly want to know how the others did it, you know,
to learn from them.
I will say, it is fastest wins, so... Yeah. Did I do it?
No! LAUGHTER
Have you lost your mind?
I'll just say you both quite quick, but it's irrelevant unfortunately.
Right, we're off to a crushingly poor start. OK.
Who's next? Next up, it's Susan.
I was thinking I'd drink that and spit it in there.
Er, the only reason why I'm not doing that immediately... Mm-hm?
..is because there's an effing candle. What is that?
Yeah, yeah.
I'd say we have provided everything you need.
I would argue that you haven't.
Fine.
Shit.
Why has that got...what's that? What's that bit?
AUDIENCE GASPS
SHE SLURPS
SHE LAUGHS
Mm! Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Mm-mm-mm-mm!
Mm-mm.
SHE CHOKES
Don't spill any.
How am I going to get the last bit in?
Is that where the bloody candle starts growing a fucking mouth
and starts doing it for me?!
Sorry.
Sorry, I just didn't... I've had an outburst.
SHE STRAINS
Be careful with the end.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
SHE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE OOHS
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Bye-bye.
APPLAUSE
Incredible. I've got some questions.
Why did you light a match, and then, throw it into the water?
It's just one of those things where if there's something there
and you've got no clue how to use it, just have an experiment,
if it fails, that's all right.
And then, yeah, and then, I discovered the straw,
which made so much more sense. It did make sense. Yes.
And it was fairly effective initially, until you made
yourself laugh.Yeah. LAUGHTER
That was your downfall, hubris. Yes.
We were in that lab for a long time. We was.
You were sucking the rose for 14 minutes. All right, mate.
You absolute monster.
Susan failed, correct?
Yeah, there were drips, you couldn't do that. There were drips.
Right, three total failures, then into break.
LAUGHTER
In the final part of the show, one lucky winner will head home
with five tiny nudists.
We're a modern show, guys, get over it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, welcome back.
And, would you believe it, it's the final part of the show.
It certainly is. And you, sir, are my dream partner.
The current task sees them trying to fill a vase
full of water from a plate.
We're down to the final two to try and fill,
but not spill - it's Sam and Sue.
Initial thoughts.
Could I drink this, and then, stand on that?
I don't think it's what we've asked you to do.
Hey, we seem to have some sort of straw.
I don't understand why this is part of it. I know.
Oh, is paper? Has it got invisible ink on it?
OK, can I light this up?
SHE STRAINS Ah. Right.
What's this little badger?
I see something. Ooh.
It says, "Candle, candle."
Well, this is going to take seven days.
Ah! I'm just going to start doing stuff with the water and the thing,
I can't really be bothered with that.
Rah-lah - OK, let's keep going.
What could these be for?
Right, OK, there's a diagram here.
There's a diagram of a vase and a plate.
Can you show it to me?
"Candle o...candle on..."
Oh, it's something over candle.
Can I put the plate on the vase?
Oh, there is like a weird trap door.
Oh. Ah.
LAUGHTER
Is that good?
SHE STRAINS
Well, but nothing happened!
Now you've made me look like a proper fool.
SHE SIGHS
That's useless - that's worse than useless!
Unless it goes like that.
LAUGHTER
"Candle on plate, vase on candle."
There's something yellow.
Oh, "Light the candle."
Really?
And then, put that on there.
How's that going to make the water go up?
What?!
SHE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY
How does that work?! APPLAUSE
Whoa! Wow!
It actually w...
How the hell does that ha...?
Wh-What have I created?!
Awesome.
Bye-bye.
Is there anything about me not being able to lick around the corners?
You can lick around the corners.
Urgh.
SLURPS LOUDLY
Ahh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You know you've got good studio audience when they start cheering
a rudimentary science experiment.
Really, all I ever want to discuss ever again is Sue's decision
to lick around the corners.
Circles don't have corners.
No that's true. Yeah, but, yeah. But round the parameter.
I hate myself, I hate myself. Yeah.
No, you're right to be...
You're right to hate yourself. LAUGHTER
But incredibly, incredibly thorough.
Sam, your instinct was to ask whether you could drink
the liquid and stand on the vase.
Yeah, I think that...
I kind of wish I'd gone with that approach.
Anyway, I did it right and I got the points, so let's move on.
No, no, nothing... No need for chatting.
Nothing else went down. Sam's very keen that we move on.
Yeah, that was a hell of a task, man, that was fantastic.
Why are you being like this? No reason.
We can watch him again, if you want?
ALL: Ohh. Let's have a look, then.
I've got some on the table!
I think that's disqualified.
So you're disqualifying yourself.
HE SIGHS
If I put it like this... Remember.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Well, I'm going to hope that wasn't seen, OK.
Can I keep going, just to look at what it said?
Do whatever you want.
Like that? And that'll do something?
How would that do the...
Oh.
Ah!
They both bravely carried on, but we did spot the spillages.
Did anyone manage this task? No.
If, in the Olympics, there was a sport and they were like,
"Yeah, no-one can do it,"
don't have it in the Olympics.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
OK, no points.
THEY LAUGH
Can we have a look at the scores?
I can tell you the series scores at this point.
It's quite spicy, we have Susan on 61,
Lucy on 62, little jump up to Sue on 70,
another jump up to Julian on 81,
and Sam on 84 at this point.
CHEERING
However, despite losing in the series at the moment,
she's winning this episode, Susan's in the lead with 11 points!
Hey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, please, can you all make your way to the stage for
the final task of the show!
Hello, my love.
Watcha, mate.
Who will be reading the task out, Alex?
Sam Campbell will be reading the task out. Ah, Samuel.
"Sip your drink.
"You may only touch the loo roll,
"and you may not reach over the line. Fastest wins."
So, you have one loo roll each. There's a red line here.
I'm keeping an eye on that. No part of you may cross that line.
OK. We'll have three rounds of this.
All of you will do all three rounds,
and we'll work out who's the best at sipping the drink quickest.
You may now approach your loo rolls,
and it's up to you if you're going to squat, kneel, sit, or stand.
OK, good luck, everyone, on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS
LUCY: I've got different toilet paper.
SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE
You-You're rolling it the wrong way.
Uh-oh.
Oh, we've lost Sue!
We've lost Sue!
Julian's looking good.
Go on, Julian.
Oh, Julian lovely.
CHEERING
Oh, that's it! That's it, that's it.
Round 1 was won by Julian, and Lucy came in second place,
the others failed to complete the task.
Lovely. Round 1 over.
Reset the drinks board!
We have reset.
LAUGHTER
Yes, we have, Greg.
Competitors, please take your positions.
Got a slightly bigger drink this time -
and there's Lucy standing up. LAUGHTER
WHISTLE BLOWS
And they're off.
Oh, a steady start, a very steady start.
Ah, yeah they've got their favourites.
Oh! Lovely, Lucy.
CHEERING
THEY SCREAM LAUGHTER
CHEERING CONTINUES
LUCY: Thank you.
I'm so sorry, Greg, we've analysed the footage. Yes.
Unfortunately, Lucy's fingertips did cross the line,
and we said no part of your body.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'm sorry I did that. I just got really angry.
SAM: It was good. Sorry.
So, Sam won that one, and Julian came second.
Again, the Sues failed to do the task.
SUSAN: All right!
It's the final round, it's non-alcoholic champagne round.
Again, it's just a sip to win.
Is it sham-pagne? It is sham-champagne.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You may take your positions, contestants.
LUCY: So nervous.
Good luck, on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS And they're off.
This is the one to win!
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS We've lost Susan!
LUCY: Fuck's sake!
CHEERING
AUDIENCE OOHS
SAM: You can do something there.
You've just gotta not cross that line.
SUE: Lasso. Lasso it.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Someone else does it?
Someone else who's already been disqualified...!
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
JULIAN: Sabotage.
SUSAN: Ohh! So close!
Well done, Julian.
That might be one of the most heroic acts...
LAUGHTER ..that have lost a person points.
Please come and join me! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What? Oh, God. LAUGHTER
"Oh, that."
Poignant and emotional at the end there, cos Sue completed the task,
but then, put her hand over to help Julian
before the task was over, so...
She's out. Yeah. ALL: Ohh!
I know, she threw herself in front of a bullet for a friend.
That's the LGBT community for you. Yeah.
CHEERING
It meant Julian gets 5 points.
Yes. Sam 4, Lucy 3, and joint fourth-place,
the Sues get 2 points each.
And so, we've got 12, 13, 14, 15 -
and the man with 15 points, at the top of the leader board,
it's Julian!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Julian Clary wins!
Please go and fetch your five things that each of which
have five things on them!
CHEERING
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that a new Olympics sport has been born,
and won't it be exciting at Paris '24 when we see our very own
Sue Perkins awarded the gold medal for being the best in the world
at licking around the corners of a circle.
And at the halfway point, the champion of the night
is Julian Clary! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media