This programme contains strong language and adult humour
SHE CAWS Ah.Good evening.
Ah!
Argh!
Oh!
Bla-la-la-la-la.
I trained at RADA.
What have I created?
Sorry.
How we laughed.
Ah!
Huh?
APPLAUSE
Hello!
Thank you. Welcome to Taskmaster.
I'm Greg Davies.
And I have a smorgsabord of tasks for you
from a wondrous gang of loons.
And if that's not enough, I've also got a second camera
trained on me at all times.
Felt cute. Might delete later.
LAUGHTER
We are tit deep in the competition so let's crack on.
Please welcome Julian Clary,
Lucy Beaumont,
Sam Campbell,
Sue Perkins
and Susan Wokoma.
And next to me a man who told me that if he sees
the pilot of any plane he boards is a woman, he immediately leaves.
Because he believes and I quote that "Their concentration spans
"and motor skills are not suited to the job."
It's little Alex Horne.
Hi, there, thank you for my introduction. You're welcome.
Well, I do worry about these bits, Greg,
I worry that sometimes they create an atmosphere that isn't,
er, entirely pleasant or useful for the show. They do.
I'm worried that I've created a rod for my own back.
Oh. Would you like to see it?
Yeah.
I...I've created a rod for my own... I've got a rod,
I've created a rod for my own back and then I talked about this...
The rod for my... In the set up in the bit and...
So what's the punchline? Something about a hook?
Yeah. I was...I was going to... Oh, oh, I think I've got a bite.
Or oh... Oh, no, no, no. I think I've got a bite's fine.
Yeah?
Have you had Botox?
Well, first...first...
It's a straight yes or no.
It's definite no. But why would you ask?
Cos I just... In...in the light I can see how smooth it all is.
I'm younger than you. And it never used to be smooth.
I'm a lot, like, two decades younger. I know you're younger than me.
Have you had some fillers or something?
No. I...I...
On we go with the prize task.
Well, Greg, they've been asked to bring in
the thing that is most guaranteed to make you groan.
Oh. AUDIENCE: Ooh.
Oh, dear. I know.
The potential for some awful things is high.
The thing most guaranteed to make you groan in Greg's opinion
gets the big five and the winner's going to groan their way home
with five groan-worthy things. Oh.
Oh, God.
I mean, the chances of these not being sexual
based on what I've seen from these people so far are zero.
I'll be less surprised than I was when I found out
Alex had had cosmetic surgery.
LAUGHTER
Hi, Sam, what thing have you brought in that makes you groan?
Oh, this thing is disgusting.
Let's have a look at it.
It's a toothbrush.
Oh! Oh!
That's against God. Oh!
There's a lot going on there, isn't there?
I mean I can barely look at this thing.
It's just... Don't you find that just really grotty?
I think I'm groaning because I'm so bemused by you.
Thanks, Sam. Next?
All right, Lucy.
It's a serious thing. OK.
Um, it's a lesson in the importance of cartilage.
It's taken the form of this skeleton.
So it's pointing obviously to the areas that have cartilage.
Why is this supposed to make me groan?
If you don't have cartilage. Yeah.
You...you'll groan... You'll groan. ..when you, uh, bend and lift.
I'm giving a gift to whoever wins to say look after that.
Look after your cartilage.
And how do we look after our cartilage?
I don't know.
I mean both of them have made me groan. Hmm.
So I suppose, yeah. Successful so far. OK.
Uh, hello, Julian. Hello.
Um, what have you brought in that might make one groan?
Oh, it's so awful this,
every year for my birthday my husband goes into a shop
and asks them for the most hideous thing they've got on sale. Right.
And this I what he got me a couple of years ago and I...
every time I look at it I groan.
LAUGHTER
It's so awful.
Someone said it looks like Alex without his beard.
I dunno, he's got a normal-width neck.
But it does make me groan every time I see it which is quite often.
But you can't bring yourself to throw it away because you're...?
This is the golden opportunity to pass it on.
Good. Hello, Sue. Hello.
What have you brought in that might make a man or a woman groan?
I thought what would be the best way to make everyone groan
and I thought, well, maybe if I asked an authority figure
and so I asked the king of the bird men and he said yes.
I've got a voice that could stun a goat from over a mile away.
And when I ask for a loud noise it gets done.
Just ask the wing bird man, Brian Blessed you groan,
like your life depends on it.
Come on, come on. Groan. You feckless bastards.
Come on! Groan.
The full recording's on this memory stick.
You've really outdone yourself there, Perkins.
That's amazing. That is stupendous.
Susan. Oh.
Traditionally this is not your strongest round. No.
And you're following a recording of Brian Blessed.
I...
Good luck.
As Greg so kindly said I, uh, have been performing
quite poorly when it comes to the prizes.
And here are a few of the shit prizes.
That's actually very good.
One big present to make you groan.
So have you collected these from the previous winners of the show?
Yes, I have.
They're all so shit that all these guys actually gave them back to me.
That's very good. Right, I'm going to give out some quick points.
All right then, who is the least likely to make you groan?
Well, I'm not going to give anyone 1 point cos I liked all of them.
So, that's good, isn't it? I'm going to give Sam and Lucy two points,
and I'll tell you why, it's because it was her explanation
that made me groan, not the item. Right, two points each. Well done.
Yeah, that's good, isn't it? Well done. Sorry.
I'm going to give...
LAUGHTER
I'm going to give Julian 3 points, ask me why.
Why are you going to give Julian 3 points?
Because that thing's awful, it does make me groan
but the sentiment behind it is rather lovely I think. Oh.
And, so I'm sort of not giving him too many points
to celebrate his wonderful marriage. Oh.
There's a logic there somewhere. OK.
I'm going to give Susan, because my God she's had
a nightmare in this series, I'm going to give her 4 points
for her very clever idea of getting her shit prizes back
and putting them all together.
And, of course, Brian Blessed will get the 5 points.
There we go, 5 points to Sue Perkins. Yeah!
APPLAUSE
Right, let's stop talking about cosmetic surgery
and let the tasking commence.
But be warned it's a minefield out there, Greg.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hello.
Can I come in?
Please do.
This looks fiendish.
Look at all these bells, ah.
That says 'Don't' on it. But I do I want to, I won't.
OK. Ah, ooh. Piss it.
Hang on. Right.
I've found some little bits
of paper that say 'vibration, danger'
'Big light, leaves.'
'Sound.'
'UV light, smoke, vibration.'
It's like an Ann Summers party.
Do whatever you like with these switches for five minutes.
OK. You will then do a task in the lab for five minutes. All right.
The conditions in the lab will change according
to when you switch the switches in here.
So there's a cause and effect situation.
The annoying thing is I don't know what the switches do.
I have told you what the switches do it's all on those labels.
Your time starts when Alex is confident you understand
the task.
Confident and Alex are two words one doesn't associate.
Wonder what the task is.
What have you put in there?
Leaves. Leaves.
Surely that's the main switch.
I expect danger is that one. Oh, I, I don't know.
I don't think I trust you.
What's that one? Like I don't know what that one is.
It's like with this, what's the point of, like, trying to like...?
What will be will be.
I really think that piss it is an underrated exclamation.
I really enjoyed piss it.
It is lovely, isn't it?
It's nice, it's harmless, it's warm.
The task as far as I can work out before we get on with it is,
it's largely arbitrary that they don't know
which label goes with which switch.
Bit like giving a toy to a child and saying, don't play with that
for five minutes and... Yeah. And probably they all did.
Well, let's crack on. Yeah.
OK, get ready, Greg, here they all are flicking themselves silly.
Oh.Oh. LAUGHTER
I'm confident you understand the task. Your time starts now.
I'll start with a bit of leaves.
If I leave it on do leaves keep coming?
Well, it depends if it is leaves, of course.
Of course. Yeah.
I'll turn it off again now. Right.
That one's already on so I think I'll turn that one off.
I mean, that's danger right there, that nearly took my hand off.
Well, it does say "Don't".
I mean lights are not going to bother me, are they?
I'm going to give myself a bit of time once I'm in there
just to muck around.
Blimey it's all happening.
This one. That one.
All right, now we're going to... Oh, no wait a second, would you?
It wasn't a very long rest.
No.
I need to have a bit of this one.
I don't know what, though. I don't like going upside down,
spiders, uh, hot dogs, you know the ones in tins.
I don't like, you know, if you pull cotton wool apart.
Folk music.
I don't like ice cubes.
What if that's leaves?
I've been denied the pleasure of leaves.
30 seconds.
How much longer?
Three seconds.
WHISTLE OK, I'll see you in the lab, Sam.
Well... Yeah, great thank you.
What have I done? Oh, dear. What have I done?
What have you done, Julian, do you think that...?
Well, we just didn't know. You know, it was quite a lot of fun.
No and yet, across the series you seem a very intelligent man
to me and yet you spent a long time flicking those switches on and off.
Well, there was nothing else to do.
There was no cheery chat from Alex.
No. There never is.
Well, Sam said, "I want to buy myself some
"time once I'm in there to muck around."
Yeah, it is about that in a way.
Hmm.
You know when two samurai encounter...
This is real. Yeah. When they encounter each other,
they'll, like... Do you know what I mean?
And then the first one to move will often be slain.
And also a samurai can tell if he will defeat another samurai just by
watching them making a cup of tea cos they're like,
they see how effective they are.
I...I've moved, yeah. Yeah.
I...I'm happy to be slain just to get out of this chat.
What's next, Alex?
Here are Sam and Susan and the results of their switching.
My God.
So you've decided... Oh, my God.
Yeah. You've decided the conditions for this task.
Yeah.
I'm scared.
What happens in here is all your fault.
OK.
Feet close together, please. Why?
It's important.
That's not good for balance.
No.
'Balance the most tees on the shelves.' So these are the tees.
Uh-huh. OK.
Oh, 'You must stay on the platform throughout the task.
'You have five minutes.
'Your time starts when Alex is confident you understand the task.'
Where are the golf tees?
Here. Where are the shelves?
Here.
I'm going to start the clock now.
Absolutely terrified.
Do you like it?
My method was kind of doing everything at once.
So I guess everything wild will happen.
Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell.
Why is it saying my name?
Well, you switched the sound button on. Sam Campbell.
I can't work under these conditions.
Oh, my God!
Fucking hell.
Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell.
This is insane. Sam Campbell.
No!
How... What time are we up to?
Uh, you've got two minutes 50 left.
Yeah. No tees yet.
Can you remember what you did now in the...?
Oh, this is when I have a break. Yes.
Right, fine. Well, then this is the most that I'm going to get on.
Oh, yeah it was only like 30 seconds, wasn't it?
20.
Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell.
I mean how is that falling off even through that.
Well, you've turned on the vibration switch.
Now I know I shouldn't have touched any of the bloody switches.
That's going to ruin it.
That was like...
Oh, what?
Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell.
Ah.
Sam Campbell.
WHISTLE
That was really tough.
WHISTLE
I think that's pretty bloody good.
APPLAUSE
I think that being jiggled around on a vibrating platform,
it sort of suits you?
Yes.
Does that make sense?
You're not the first person to say that.
How many did she stack? Well, we saw, just two.
But she did realise halfway through, if she hadn't pressed any of
the switches, the conditions would've been perfect.
And that's sort of key to this, really.
If they'd not flicked any switches... Yeah, just chilled out.
Sam actually did pretty well, right? Well, he created a method.
He did all of his flicking in a short period of time.
He did well despite that, I'd say
He created a method of balancing the tees within a task,
which was balancing on it. And he also balanced a bowl
on the bottom of the shelves. I don't know if that counts.
I thought that creation was legit. Oh, OK. That's what I thought.
Well, then he got sort of 87, I suppose.
Wait, wait, wait, wait - really? Wow. I know.
Yeah, I guess I'll take 87, yeah.
Right, join us after the break.
If I were you, I'd leave that guff-soaked sofa
and get some fresh air for a few minutes.
Fart outside! Live a little!
APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello!
I'm afraid to say you've woken me from my power nap
and I'm not a happy boy.
Chill out, dude.
Before the break, the cast were presented with some switches,
fully aware that how and when and if they were switched
would directly affect the conditions of the next task.
Here is everyone else.
Your time starts...now.
Ah, I'll start with a little leaves.
Immediately with the leaves.
Oh, you see... Oh, it was leaves, it was leaves! It was leaves.
Do I need to...? Oh. VIBRATION
Ooh, I say.
Fucking hell!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Leaves.
Oh, for God's sake.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Sue Perkins. Sue Perkins.
Oh, I don't want to listen to that.
No, I don't want to listen to that. That's the sound on.
I don't like it. Sue Perkins? Sue Perkins.
Sue Perkins.
I just farted on my...!
There's more to come!
Sue Perkins.
Don't make me fart in the dark listening to my own name!
Sue Perkins?
I don't like UV light very much.
My mum thinks it was because I was in an incubator to help me grow.
VIBRATION Oh!
Sue Perkins. Yeah.
Sue Perkins? Yeah?
Sue Perkins. Yeah.
WHISTLE
Oh.
WHISTLE And we're done.
Can you stop me vibrating? Yeah.
Oh. Thank you, Julian. Thank you.
Goodbye, Sue. That sounded very final.
And after what I've done in this room, I don't blame you.
So sorry for everyone.
SHE WAFTS THE PLASTIC SHEETING
APPLAUSE
Did you enjoy that task, Julian? I did quite.
And it was very sensory, wasn't it?
With all the lights and the movement. Yeah.
It was better than some I've sat through anyway.
There was a slight issue with Julian's, which we didn't
really show there, but the vibration machine wouldn't turn off
afterwards. Remember, you were on there for another minute afterwards.
Get your thrills where you can at my age.
Sue, you said, in my opinion,
the greatest thing that's ever been said on this show.
"Please don't make me fart in the dark listening to my own name."
APPLAUSE
Can I ask you about Sue's technique of balancing? They're not balanced.
You poked them through the shelf.
I was really desperate at that point. Yeah, I know, cos the...
Yeah, but is it more balanced
than me just putting a bowl on the table?
Yeah, you did allow 87 from Sam. Yeah.
In a bowl plonked on the bottom shelf.
Oh! No, I wasn't allowing that. I was allowing...
Sorry, there's been some confusion. Ah.
I was allowing his system of hanging things. Ah. Sorry.
Now I feel really bad.
Yeah, you've really fucked Sam over there.
Yeah, you're pretty at good sticking things into other places. Yeah.
Knives into backs. Balanced!
It's balanced, man.
So, we're saying that Sue didn't balance any tees? I'm afraid we are,
because they were quite clearly pushed through the shelf.
That is very harsh but I accept it always.
I should also tell you then that Julian did manage
to balance nine tees on his shelves.
IMPRESSED WHISTLE Lucy, 19.
That's amazing. What we haven't seen yet is the Don't Switch.
Danger did go with Don't. Shall we see what the Danger Switch did?
Yes, please. OK. Good luck, everyone. Here we go.
I've spent however long just trying to avoid that button.
That's all I've thought about from the moment I've walked in.
I mean, I've been brought up well.
If something tells me not to touch it, I'm not going to touch it.
Right, I'm going to start the task now.
Hee-hee-hee!
I can't say I wasn't warned.
Still got 1:45.
Oh...
I'm going to go for this one.
How much danger can I endure, ten seconds' worth?
Well, you have now ten seconds left.
Five seconds left, Lucy.
Do you want me to press the button?
WHISTLE You can't now, unfortunately.
Oh, shit, there's...
WHISTLE
Right, I'm going to go for this one.
Hee-hee-hee.
Do you know what, I was ten seconds away from
avoiding my baser instincts. And I failed.
APPLAUSE
Oh.
I really like it when you're disappointed in us.
There's something wrong with me!
Well, we weren't to know that was going to happen, were we?
It did say "don't". Yeah.
Heart breaking, but good news to old Lucy. Yes.
Yeah, I think she only didn't press it because she ran out of time.
She wanted to. No, I wasn't going to. No, no.
Were you a well-behaved child? I had to be.
Oh, yeah, me too. My mum was incredibly violent.
Where does all that leave us? Well, it means that no-one
gets any points, they were all disqualified,
except for Lucy Beaumont, who gets five points.
APPLAUSE
Let's have a look at a scoreboard, can we?
We can and, unsurprisingly,
Lucy's in the lead with seven points! Well done, Lucy.
Let's have another one, please.
Yes. In your face, Greg.
QUIET THUD
Sorry, I didn't mean to kick the door, sorry.
What larks.
Already, this is my favourite.
Yeah, me too.
I've always wanted to be a clown.
Mixed emotions?
Mainly joy.
Oh, that's not edible.
Now, fear.
Any sign of that secret task yet?
Not yet.
"Pie Wayne in the face."
Will I know who Wayne is?
Do you know any Waynes?
Rooney.
Not him.
"Wayne is outside the front door."
"You may not touch Wayne nor step on the red green."
The red green?
Now, what the hell is that?
Well, you know a green? Yeah.
A red one of them.
"If you miss Wayne with the pie, you must copy
"Wayne's dance moves for ten seconds."
"You must not touch Wayne."
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts when you open the front door."
Who is Wayne? Do you know him?
I don't know him well.
You can't touch any part of Wayne, I need to make that clear.
I understand boundaries.
OK.
Are these top-ups? Yeah. OK.
Not a lot of faith in me, then, is there?
So, do I take more than one pie?
I'm not likely to miss him, am I?
I'll start the clock as soon you open the door.
Oh, I see.
Hiya, Wayne!
That's Wayne?
Oh, yeah, there he is.
In the face? In the face.
All right.
That's brilliant.
APPLAUSE
I loved it. I was shit at it but I loved it.
Do you think sometimes you've lost some of the innocent joy
of childhood, Julian?
Because everybody else saw Wayne and went, "Oh!",
started laughing and you went, "Oh, I see." No.
I was like that as a child, I'm afraid.
Nothing's changed.
So, basically, they're going to be pieing one of those wavy-arm men
from outside garages in the face.
Not a great incentive to come back, is it, Alex?
No, but I could sing my favourite hymn.
Yes?
Yeah, all right, that'll do.
# Be thou my vision
# O, Lord of my heart
# Nought be all else to me
# Save that thou art... #
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's part three and I want to see wavy man Wayne get pied in the face.
Oh, I do too Greg.
Remember, as is common practice on Taskmaster,
they can't stand on the red green.
So, let's begin with Susie and Susannah.
So, Wayne's going to be operated by a switch.
I've got to try and find the switch.
That's part of him, that's his umbilical cord.
Oh, so I can't...?
Oi.
That's not his face.
You must dance. Ugh!
Ugh. Is that ten seconds?
That's ten seconds.
Be careful.
Lovely. Thank you, Sue.
OK.
I mean...
Ah!
Sue?
Thank you, Sue.
Wayne's my favourite.
Come on, you little shit!
Sue.
Oh, Christ.
Can't see anything now.
Basically did this at Rada. OK.
Yeah, that's ten seconds.
Why did you have to pick this one after lunch?!
Come on.
Oh, shit.
I've stopped the clock. Did I get it? Yeah.
CHEERING
Where is his umbilicus?
The naughty flamingo's going to touch him.
Naughty flamingo.
Little fucker.
Don't touch him.
Come on, naughty flamingo.
You've on more task to fulfil.
Pin him!
Take it.
I've stopped the clock, Sue.
APPLAUSE
It felt like it was a bit of a grudge for you, in the end.
Yeah, I mean...
"Take it, you little fucker."?
Yeah. There's only so much expressive dance I can do
and I don't have the training. Susan's got training.
She's got, you know, the depth of experience,
she understands the biomechanics of the human form and art in general.
I was just very, very frustrated and then blind
and then the naughty flamingo spared my blushes.
I like to see that sort of lateral thinking.
The naughty flamingo was allowed to touch Wayne.
Yes, yes, the flamingo could touch Wayne. Yeah. And did. And did.
Now, Susan's told us repeatedly that she trained for three years at Rada.
I put it to you, Susan, you weren't even attempting
to pie Wayne for most of it,
you were just enjoying the interpretive dance.
Yeah, yeah. I just was so... As you say, when I saw him,
it was so glorious and I sort of forgot the point of it.
Yeah. But I had a good time. But the final pieing was...
Well, it caught us by surprise. It caught me by surprise. Bloody hell.
Yeah. Three awful throws got nowhere near.
The fourth, right in the face. Only took her 1:39.
CHEERING
And what about old grudge match over there?
Naughty flamingo lady? Yeah.
7:25. Wow.
Little bit longer. Who's next?
OK, we've seen the Sues, now for Julian, Sam, Lucy and Wayne again.
Julian?
That's not his face.
Now you have dance on the dancing mat.
That's lovely, Julian.
Are you OK?
Oh, what are you looking for?
LUCY: Something to get Wayne down.
Was that on his face? No, afraid not.
That's lovely, Julian.
I'll go and get another pie. OK.
I brought this from home.
Can I try and lasso him?
Now you have to dance, Julian.
My enthusiasm for the dancing has waned, as it were.
It has waned.
Pretty close.
Can you hold the other end of that to trap him?
To trap...? I'll do what I'm told.
No, no, no, stop!
This way.
I've got him! Surely?!
Surely, surely I got him?
I got him! I got him!
I got him big time!
Yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE
Well, that's not my problem, is it?
There you are. I've stopped the clock.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
Wayne! Don't touch me, Wayne!
Wayne!
I've stopped the clock.
Wow.
Got him, I got Wayne.
APPLAUSE
Julian, your pie technique was dreadful.
But I thought you were a very graceful dancer.
Oh, thank you. You're welcome.
Anything else to say? No.
I thought the most dramatic thing we were going to see in those attempts
was Sam shouting, "I got him big time."
He had it too good for too long.
What turned out to be the most dramatic thing was Julian Clary
taking Wayne down with a swing ball. Yeah.
That was the most dramatic thing.
Lucy, did you think the task was touch Wayne as much as you can?
The swing ball touched him. As well, yeah.
You touched him big time. But how?
With your hands.
He touched me.
You did touch Wayne and, even if you didn't, there was one other rule
which you may have broken as well. What? You weren't allowed to touch
the red green. Of course, we always know that. This is what happened.
Well over. Oh, no.
But why are you zooming in on people's feet, you sicko?
That's fetish, that is.
I mean, I am going to disqualify them
but I also agree with them, you are sick.
The three of them, very similar times.
Lucy, actually, 3:25. Right. As relevant as that is. Yeah.
Julian, 3:32, Sam, 3:40.
So, what that means is that Sue and Lucy don't get any points.
Oh, fuck you.
Do you know what? He's smiling but he's hurting.
The reason you can't see he's hurting...
He does. You do look like you have had.... He does!
You look as smooth as fibreglass.
You do, he's right. You look like a canoe. Right.
So, Sam, you get three points,
Julian, four,
but five points goes to Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING
OK. And now time for some product placement.
There's a bee out there.
Is there? Yeah. OK.
Sorry, I shouldn't have come in too big, should I?
Perkins.
Horne.
Oh, God.
Oh, look, it's me. You both look great.
She's pretty.
LAUGHING: Look at my hands.
Oh, it's me with my eyes shut.
Oh, I do all my pictures like this.
I never told you, did I?
Thank you.
"Put yourself somewhere within...
"Put yourself somewhere within the..."
Oh, she's putting me off.
"Put yourself..."
If that started walking away, I'd be so freaked out.
"Put yourself somewhere within the boundary."
That's what my therapist says.
"The person furthest from everyone else wins."
"The people closest together both lose two points."
"Also, throughout the task you must behave really weirdly."
"You must behave really weirdly."
Ugh.
"Really weirdly."
"Weirdly." "Weirdly."
Don't have to tell me twice.
"You've got a maximum of ten minutes.
"Your time starts...now."
So, you've just got to think, where would Sue Perkins put Sue Perkins?
Well, there's no way of knowing, is there? No. No, there isn't.
APPLAUSE
I think that some tasks are unfairly stacked in
the favour of some contestants. I mean, I don't want to pick on people
but I have written down that, throughout this, sometimes,
Lucy and Sam have come across as -
well, I've written "absolutely deranged".
CHEERING
That's another part complete.
If you want to see someone forced to take home Susan's prizes for
a second time, then, by all means,
please join us again for part four. Bye.
Hello! Welcome back to the final part of the show.
Yes, and welcome to those who aren't watching Taskmaster too,
that's absolutely fine.
It's about time we found out where the five competitors placed the
cut-outs of themselves. The person furthest from everyone else wins,
but the two people closest together each lose two points.
Ye-ouch! Here's what they did.
Behave weirdly. Shall I behave like you?
Yes, please.
Ah.
"There's nothing I can do to help you."
SUE GROWLS LIKE CHEWBACCA
SHE YODELS
I don't think anyone would be as obvious as...
I don't think anyone would be obvious as this.
There's an argument for just popping myself just there.
LUCY YODELS
Where do you think Sue Perkins is going to put herself?
Um, there.
Sam Campbell?
Um, there.
Susan Wokoma?
Um, there.
And Julian Clary?
Just there.
That's quite near your one.
Yeah, I know.
Why have you put it so close to Julian Clary?
I didn't know at the time that he put it there.
Can I move it again? Well, you've still got eight minutes.
OK.
SHE YODELS
So, say I tear his head off...?
Is that me, then? Like, what makes you you?
Is it where your head is or your heart or your...?
It'll be a discussion.
But to be honest, for some people, this isn't weird, this is exercise.
But to me, that's about as weird as it gets.
I'm off fishing now.
So, is it me that likes fishing in this scenario?
Don't you like fishing? I don't think so. Or bird watching?
Yes, please. I knew it was something boring. Right.
I'm off to find a robin.
Where do you think Julian Clary's going to put himself?
Probably, like, back there or something.
Sam Campbell? They're going to be doing this. Going, "Whoo."
Ugh.
SHE YODELS
I think it's now not near anybody.
Ugh.
Could do that?
But will that be far enough away?
OK.
Something about the boundary line. Right.
On the horns, by the boundary line.
Do you have a coin on you? I'm going to coin toss it.
Thanks, Sam.
Heads for that deer's head.
Tails for on the boundary line.
APPLAUSE
Julian displays a continual -
and, to me, delightful - contempt for Alex.
And this is the zenith, I think.
Doing a insulting impression of him... Can I see it again? Yes.
"There's nothing I can do to help you."
Is that enough? Yeah.
That was before his surgery.
APPLAUSE
It was a really creditable impression.
Thank you. It just came over me.
He is irritating, isn't he?
What we need to know is what the coin decided for Sue, of course.
Yeah. Before we do, I'll appraise you for
a very creditable Chewbacca impression.
SHE GROWLS
OK, so we're going to find out
if Sue is near the tossed head on the deer.
This is it, this is the cliff hanger. Yeah.
It's all about the toss. Here we go.
Heads for that deer's head.
Tails for on the boundary line.
Thank you, Sue. Thank you.
8cm. 8cm away.
That felt...
I mean, I knew what had happened
and even I was swept along by the narrative.
The coin was so cruel.
Unfortunately, the people closest to each other lost two points.
Listen, I'm just grateful...
I don't think I was disqualified in that round. You weren't.
But you don't get any points.
Because the distances from one another, as we can see here,
Sam was 14.24m away from everyone.
Lucy second, 13,
Julia third, Sue fourth,
Susan fifth.
But Julian and Susan both lose two points, so it ends up being
one point to Susan, none to Sue, one to Julian,
four to Lucy and five points to Sam Campbell!
APPLAUSE
I think that's a very satisfactory outcome.
And it's progress, Sue, in a way,
because you've been disqualified for two. Yeah.
But at least you've got no points this time.
Let's have a glance at the scores.
It's tight, except for Sue.
Lucy, you're still in the lead with 11 points.
APPLAUSE
OK, everyone, please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING
Who will be reading the task?
Sue Perkins.
"Catch three balls on your head.
"After you've caught a ball, you must shout 'ball'.
"You may not step off your circles, move your circles,
"adjust your arms or touch the balls with your hands.
"The fastest wins."
Can we cooperate?
I guess we'll find out.
Good luck.
On your marks, get set. WHISTLE
And they're off.
LUCY: Ball! SAM: Ball!
JULIAN: Ball.
SAM: Ball. JULIAN: You've got another one.
SAM: It is in there for a bit, does that count? Ball!
LUCY: Ball. Oh, that's...!
Oh, we have a winner over here, Julian Clary!
CHEERING
And Sam's out. Sam, are you finished?
Ball.
Susan, you're done, you're finished. Oh, have I?
It's just you, Sue.
Oh!
I was never very good at sport.
SAUSAN: Hang on. There's coming... Hang on.
There's one coming, incoming.
This is a pitiful...!
Say ball. Ball. Say ball again. Ball.
And then say it one more time.
Ball. WHISTLE
Come down we'll add that to the final scores, come and join me.
That was exciting. Mmm.
Not for the first time the group confounded us by working together.
They did. One to Sue, two to Susan, three to Lucy,
four to Sam, five to Julian Clary. Well done.
APPLAUSE
So, that's affected things in many ways.
We have three people in the 90s now, in terms of the series.
Susan, you are in last place, on 92. Yes, lovely.
Sue, 95, Lucy, 99, then jump up to Julian, on 108,
Sam's in the lead on 120.
APPLAUSE
Incredible. Yes.
What's the final scoreboard for today? Well, it's a tight one.
Sue, stranded on six.
The rest, it goes 12, 13, 14, 14 -
Lucy and Sam, joint winners.
Yay! No!
CHEERING
So, we have a tie-break situation.
Yes, tie-breaks are very serious matters and we're going to settle
this one right here on the studio floor.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
In my drawer, I have two party poppers.
Oh, I don't like them.
Sam and Lucy will fire their party poppers from their seated positions
And the person who fires the contents of their party popper
furthest wins, simple as that. We're all out of budget.
Lucy, are you ready?
Three, two, one...pop.
Bastard.
Sam, I believe this is yours for the taking.
Wow.
You're going to have to measure this.
I'll hold it. Thank you, Sue.
Furthest bit.
108cm.
123cm!
CHEERING
Lucy Beaumont wins!
Please go and gather your gifts and groan.
Not that.
So, what have we learned today?
We've learned that, in a thousand years, when the people of the future
look back and somehow try to understand how our society worked -
what were we all about? -
there is one thing along that they will be sure of -
show them a picture of Sue Perkins and they'll all go,
oh, yeah, that's the lady who didn't like farting in the dark
to the sound of her own name.
Only three episodes to go,
so let's appreciate tonight's winner once more.
It's Lucy Beaumont!
CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media