SHE SQUAWKS Ahh!
BELL RINGS Good evening.
Argh! SLURPS LOUDLY
Argh! Ah!
HE VOCALISES
I trained at RADA.
What have I created?!
So sorry.
How we laughed.
Ahh!
This program me contains strong language and adult humour from the start
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello!
Thank you! Welcome to Taskmaster.
I'm the lord of the jungle, and I'm about to eat.
What will I enjoy today?
A Clary casserole, some Campbell and Beaumont sausages?
Maybe a Wokoma ribeye,
or an omelette made of Sue Perkins' hands?
Get the buffet ready, m-papa's sta-arving!
LAUGHTER
Please welcome to the show Julian Clary...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Lucy Beaumont... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Sam Campbell... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Sue Perkins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...and Susan Wokoma! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, a man who once hospitalised himself
doing high kicks to Toxic by Britney Spears.
HIGH-PITCHED: It's a-little Alex Hooorne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello!
Well, look, I've come up with a brand-new format slash game.
It's called Greg and Alex.
Here we go. I've got these.
So, there'll be some questions. You hold up whether it's me or you,
what you think the answer's to,
we'll see how similar we think about things.
Question one, who is the best at cooking?
Oh, we both think it's you! Oh-ho.
LAUGHTER
Who is the best at tidying up?
Who has the most trouble sleeping at night because of all
the difficult thoughts racing through their head?
LAUGHTER
Who bought the other one a present?
I've got you a present, cos of your...
...cos of your troubled brain. So I got you a little, er...
Thank you. ..a little necklace with two feathers on.
Thanks. AUDIENCE AWWS
Prize task time!
What's the category this week, you weirdo?
It's... DRUM ROLL
...the best single-word object you own and love that gets the best
reaction when introduced following a drum roll.
Hmm! Wow. Yes.
5 points for the best single-word object they own and love,
and at the end of the show, the person with the highest score
will take home all five...
DRUM ROLL
...prizes. Lots more...
LAUGHTER
...of that coming up right now, Greg.
Hello, Lucy. Oh.
DRUM ROLL
What is it?
A-Alien device.
LAUGHTER
You heard "one-word object.” It is...
...alien device. ..device.
Here it is.
LAUGHTER
So, that was in my mum’s ear canal...
...for about two years and 36 months.
Two years...
LAUGHTER
That's enough. That's five years.
It's however you want to say it. OK.
Er, don't want to brag, but I took her to one of
the best ear doctors in the UK.
He said, "Whatever is in your mum's ear is not impacted wax,"
and then, basically, there'd been UFO sightings over,
over where my mum lived, just like,
like, literally like above the house.
And then, all I'm saying is that...
LAUGHTER
...that fell out of her ear,
and then, the cat licked and it, the cat disappeared.
LAUGHTER
Thank you, Lucy.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES Julian.
DRUM ROLL
A jacket.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Now we're getting somewhere. Yeah.
If I'm going out on an evening with someone I don't much like,
you can flash that as you leave.
LAUGHTER
Thank you. Sue.
DRUM ROLL
Greg(gs)!
Ooh! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Wow! Wow.
Is that me made out of pastry?
Yes. Oh, my God. LAUGHTER
Sensational.
Your ears have crumbled a little bit over time. They have.
The eyes are glue. Erm...
LAUGHTER
...and took a long time, and some of it's under my fingernails.
Wow. Yeah.
Sue, you've surpassed yourself.
Hi, Susan. Oh, gosh. Hi.
What have you brought in?
DRUM ROLL
Calendar!
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Er, I finished doing a film towards the end of last year.
And you normally have like a big party.
And some people give you gifts.
And I was presented with this.
To this day, I don't know what vibe I give off.
LAUGHTER
But I just love that somebody looked at me at work and went,
"Do you know what she wants? A calendar of cat balls."
I mean, the one in the middle, come on.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES It needs putting down.
Sam, the heat is on. What have you brought in?
DRUM ROLL
Cobalt!
LAUGHTER
Go on.
Well, I used to live near Tempt, in Australia.
You're so close to the flight path, so planes would go over,
and the locals hated it.
They commissioned an artwork, and it was like a sculpture,
and it was all kids with their ears,
like, hands over their ears, like, "Ahh!"
And then, they changed how high the planes were flying.
LAUGHTER
Where'd you get the cobalt?
Online.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
And you think it's good after a drum roll,
because there's background story of - it affected a...?
Oh, that story, yeah, I just - everyone was telling a story, so...
OK. Yeah.
I don't want to give anyone 1 point
because I really enjoyed those stories. Mm-hm.
I'm going to give Sam 2 points,
and he'd better thank me for it.
I'm going to give "alien device" 3, because it's insane.
I'm going to give Julian and Susan 4 points.
Think it's really egotistical of me to put Greg(gs) as number one?
Well, that's the way it's fallen.
LAUGHTER
5 points. Well done, Sue Perkins.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On we go! Are we ever going to find out about that secret task, Alex?
Maybe, Greg, maybe right now!
AUDIENCE OOHS
Sam, Julian.
Hi. Lucy.
Are you happy with me reading it, do you want to read it with me?
No, you read it. You sure? Yeah. All right, OK.
Right.
This is not a team task. What?
What?! We've bonded.
We've shared a bag of Nik Naks.
I'll come over and... I'm so sorry.
"This is not a team task. Find the secret task.
"You must never be in the same room as each other.
"Whenever the air horn sounds,
"you must replace anything you are holding and change rooms.
"Everyone must find the secret task before the task ends."”
In a way, it is a team task, cos we've got to succeed
for the thing to succeed.
Can I ask one question from you?
Has the task been ever-present through the whole time
we've been here? A secret task?
Yeah. No, it's been on my mind.
He's not going to tell you.
If we cross on the corridor, is that bad?
You do what you want.
So, I can say "hi" occasionally? Yeah, OK.
Please read the last line, Julian.
"Your time starts now."
HORN BLOWS
OK. Where do you want to go? OK, I don't know.
APPLAUSE
I don't want to hang about long,
I would just like to say I find it sickening how well you two get on.
Every time they get together and do a team task,
it's like watching the Famous Five. LAUGHTER
Thank God for Julian, when Sam was asking questions
about the secret task, went...
EXHASPERATEDLY: .."He's not going to tell you."
LAUGHTER
Let's crack on.
OK, here are secret sourcing Sues, first of all.
Bye! I'll let you know when I find it! OK.
Shut, shut, shut.
Ah. No.
In the oven. All empty.
OK.
"This is not the secret task.
"The secret task is under the initials."”
What's that? No.
HORN BLARES Please change areas.
Hi, love!
There's something underneath the big pineapple.
A secret task is under the initials.
Where's the initials? Now, where are the initials?
HORN BLARES Please change areas.
Don't go in the shed, there's nothing there for you!
OK, I'm going to up here to some initials!
"Under the initials."
Right, there's nothing in here.
SHE GASPS Oh, my God!
Hmm, drawn a blank there.
"This is not the secret task.
"The secret task is buried under buildings."
HORN BLARES
Secret task is buried under buildings!
All right, buried under buildings.
Is there any, like, a thingy that looks like a building?
Right.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! You sneaky beast.
"Buried under building.”
SHE EXHALES Breathe.
"A secret task is beneath the Taskmaster."
He's in the garden.
I can't see pictures of any buildings.
Have you found the secret task yet?
It's buried under some buildings...
HORN BLARES Ahh! Fucking hell!
You must change, you must change room.
I'm going to the Taskmaster! OK!
"Under a building," the building, there's like...
Oh!
What does it say, Sue?
Have you found the secret task? "This is not a secret task." Ah.
"The secret task is inside."
"The secret task is often behind you."
HORN BLARES Please change areas.
Buried under buildings, under the initial...
HORN BLARES
Buried under buildings under... HORN BLARES
Underneath the Taskmaster... HORN BLARES
Buried under the... ..Under the building.
HORN BLARES Hang on a minute.
The secret task is beneath...
Oh!
There's a T here.
AUDIENCE OOHS
This is the secret task.
"If you found this task fastest, you must choose one contestant
"who will lose 5 points." AUDIENCE GASPS
"If you found it second fastest,
"you must choose one contestant who'll lose one point.
"If you found this third, one gets a special hat.
"Fourth-fastest" - oh, I like the special hat.
"You must choose a contestant who will gain a point.
"If you found it slowest choose one contestant
"who will gain 5 points. You must not choose yourself."
Only because I've never met him before,
and he's young and beautiful,
and he'll get over this, Sam Campbell!
HORN BLARES You must change areas.
Can I come in there? OK, yes, so...
I think it's in there, and I think it's underneath, erm, Greg.
Right, it's often behind you, which is there.
It's underneath the Taskmaster, which is him.
It's beneath the bloody initials.
SHE SQUEALS
I found it, Sue! I think.
YEAH, I FOUND IT! SHE GIGGLES
Do I just choose a name?
Erm, Sam Campbell!
HORN BLARES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you see what I mean about the Famous Five thing?
"Don't go to the shed, there's nothing there for you!"
Let's have some ginger beer!
What the hell have you both got in for Sam Campbell?
What's, like, did you hear the audience react when
you both said Sam Campbell?
I didn't want to pick anyone. I didn't want to pick anyone.
And then, Alex made me, and I can't, for legal reasons, talk about how.
LAUGHTER
But also, if they were very slow, then you might've given him points,
we don't know. Sam, it only feels right I should
get your comment on both women turning on you like snakes?
Yeah, it's just exciting to know people are talking about me.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
APPLAUSE
Time for a little break.
The average biscuit has about 240 calories in it.
It takes a one-mile walk to burn off 100 calories -
and yet, you're still going to smash at least five biscuits
into your face, aren't you?!
Time to look in a mirror! See you in a bit!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where the competitors are finding the secret task one-by-one.
Yes, but the order in which they find them is very important.
When they find it, they must say a rival's name
and thus seal their fate.
Here are the team of three searching and shouting.
Press your horn.
HORN TOOTS
Ah, I've found one. I've found it.
It's not in here, I don't think.
BOTH: "This is not the secret task."
"The secret task is under the initials.
"A secret task has a secret door!"
Secret door.
HORN BLARES Oh, fuck it!
Please change rooms.
SAM CACKLES Secret door.
I mean, there's doors, but they're not very secret.
HORN BLARES Hello. Hello, Lucy.
What do you know so far? I know that there's a secret door.
Secret door. OK.
Do you think it's a real door, or like a secret door?
I think it's probably a secret door.
"This is not the secret task.
"The secret task is often behind you.
"The secret task is beneath the Taskmaster."”
BARELY AUDIBLE: Is it down here?
Pardon? Is it down here?
HE WHISPERS: I don't know.
It's not down here, then, the secret door? It might be.
Is that a yes? No.
HORN BLARES
Please change rooms.
Is there anything nice in there, do you think?
Erm, I couldn't possible say. Ah!
Ah, Julian welcome to the living room.
Do you know anything yet at all?
It's beneath the Taskmaster.
AUDIENCE OOHS
"This is the secret task.
"You must shout the name of your contestant in ten seconds from now."
Sam Campbell.
LAUGHTER
HORN BLARES Please change rooms, everyone.
What were you saying just then?
There's things of interest in there. OK.
Oh, hello, Sam. How are you?
It's very infuriating, this. I hate looking for things.
Psst. Hello.
Just passing by.
Yes. Under that? This lifts up?
That's awesome, wow.
Oh, this is the secret task!
"You must shout the name of your contestant in ten seconds from now."
PLAYS FLAT NOTE
Sue Perkins! HORN BLARES
We need to get Lucy in there now. Yeah, yeah.
SHE CHUCKLES
I'll be honest with you... Yes.
...I don't like looking for things. Right.
Erm, Sam? Yeah? Where is the task in here?
"TM" is my clue.
Thank you.
SHE GASPS
Well, that is inspired, thank you.
Sue Perkins!
I can confirm everyone has now found the secret task.
HORN BLARES One of your better efforts.
Ah, thank you, Julian.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It genuinely sounded there, with that last sentence,
that you were auditioning for a James Bond villain.
"One of your better efforts, Mr Horne."
So, Perkins and Campbell become the fall guys for this task.
Ohh. How did it feel, Sue?
It would've felt like bullying, had that gone on for Sam.
He still got three out of five.
I thought I was giving him five extra points.
Well, you might be.
Ah. You might.
Everyone's talking about this guy. It's official. He has arrived!
LAUGHTER
Pick the bones out of that point-wise, then.
Well, I can tell you exactly how it works point-wise.
Julian, you were the fastest, six minutes, 30.
You shouted "Sam Campbell,” he loses 5 points.
Oh, no. Aww!
But Susan, you were the slowest, you took 18 minutes,
you shouted "Sam Campbell,”
so he gains 5 points!
ALL CHEER
Back to zero.
LAUGHTER
Sam, you were the second-fastest, eight minutes, 50.
You shouted "Sue Perkins," she loses a point.
AUDIENCE AWWS
Sue, you were the second-slowest, 16 minutes, five,
you shouted "Sam Campbell,” he gains a point.
ALL CHEER
Oh, my God this is a roller-coaster!
Lucy, you were in the middle, 13 minutes, 25,
you shouted "Sue Perkins," so Sue Perkins wins a special hat!
JULIAN: Oh, my God! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
It's like a really, really weird version of Handmaid's Tale.
LAUGHTER
Can you tell me the scores, please?
Yes, oh, it's such a tight score board, Greg. Ooh!
Sam and Lucy are at the bottom with 3,
all the rest are at the top with 4 points!
APPLAUSE
Shall we get on with the next bit of the show please, Alex?
Oh, let's do it, Daddy.
Hello, sausage.
Oh, hello, Sue.
Hiya.
Would you like me to bend over?
I really would.
"Complete the fortune trail."
What is a fortune trail?
This is a fortune trail.
"Fastest wins."
Goes from right to left.
There are five tasks on the fortune trail.
Oh, well, always start with the ladder.
Down the fortune ladder, through piggy...
Is that a bag of salt? Oh, yeah. Classic.
"Your time starts now."
APPLAUSE
The fortune trail, the concept of the fortune trail
threw you a little bit, Sam.
I'd never heard of that in my life. No. And do you know why?
It's cos he made it up.
LAUGHTER
It's like Brian Blessed, is he real?
SUE: Oh, he's super real. Yeah, he's real, yeah. Oh, wow.
LAUGHTER
Let's crack on.
First to test their luck are Sam Cam and Sue Wo.
"Your time starts now!"
Are you a superstitious person?
Yes. Oh, good.
All right. "walk under the ladder..."
"..Or put the ladder back in the shed."
Under the ladder?
Cool. So, you're not that superstitious?
Yeah, but like, I'm also, like, I want to win.
"Find a lucky penny..."
"..Or put exactly £13 on the lucky plate."
Am I allowed to smash this?
Yeah, you can smash it.
LAUGHTER
How do you tell if they're lucky? Oh, you'll know if it's lucky.
How much have you got so far? £1. Ah.
£3.
Ten more.
I'm done with that one.
Stage Two complete.
40, 50, 13 quid.
Stage Two complete. Cool.
"Either spill the salt or throw..."
"..All the salt over your shoulder..."
"..Onto the pasta in the caravan." "..In the caravan." What?
Oh, dear, that's bad luck. Oh.
"And open the umbrella inside the shed...”
"..Or close these five umbrellas."
One.
Two.
Oh! SHE GIGGLES
Impressive.
I found a lucky penny, as well.
Oh, well done.
Mm!
Ah, and what's that?
"Toss five heads in a row."
Heads.
One head. Great. Get that?
Well, this'll be easy.
Tails.
Heads. OK. So, how many have I done? One.
No, I haven't. It's heads in a row.
In a row? In a row. You just did tails.
What? This'll take all my life! At this rate.
Four. Wow, OK so this will do it.
Ohh, no!
Tails.
Heads. Heads. Tails. Heads.
Tails. Tails. Tails. Tails. Tails. One head!
You got a head? No! OK.
Maybe it just needs less tosses.
Fewer.
Heads, that's two.
Three! Oh!
Four. We've been here before, though, haven't we?
It's heads! Stop the clock.
Not like winning...matters.
Yeah! How long, was it?
Thanks. Great.
Have you got anything of ours?
Er, no.
Oh, I do still have one coin.
Back on the table. Sorry, sir.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
APPLAUSE
SUE: Ohh!
I know Alex of old now, and I...
As soon as I saw there was a special coin, I thought,
"I bet that's a doubled-headed coin."
It's the sort of thing this dweeb gets off on.
There were a few of them, as well.
There was one in the caravan, if you'd gone in there,
One in that little moneybox, one behind you on the door.
They were dotted about. Ahh.
But if either had worked that out, we would've been robbed of one of
the more dramatic statements that Sam's made during this show.
"This'll take all my life!"
LAUGHTER
Sam was very quick going down the fortune trail... Yeah.
...and he got five in a row in just six minutes, 51.
Wow, that's nowhere near all your life!
And Susan, nine minutes, 49.
Oh, well there we go.
Now we're throwing to the adverts,
just time to pop into your teenager's bedroom and confirm
that they're spending all their spare time scrolling through
their phones like a brain-dead text zombie.
Bad parenting alert! It's your fault!
See you in a bit. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome back!
This is Taskmaster, it's part three, and we're in the middle of a task
to test their superstition.
Who's next? It is Julian, Lucy, and Sue now.
Are you a superstitious person, Sue?
It's too late for that.
Lovely.
Walk under it? No.
I'm not going to walk under it, am I?
"Find a lucky penny."
How do I find a penny? Is it here somewhere?
Can I skip on and come back to it? Yeah, 'course.
Imma come back to that.
If I give them £7 and a penny,
then that sort of cancels each other out.
You know, cos if this penny isn't lucky, they've got £7.
“Either spill the salt or throw all the salt over your shoulder..."
"..Onto the pasta in the caravan.”
Oh, I've spilt it!
Now, what's happened there? Have you done what it said on the task?
"Either open the umbrella inside the shed..."
Yeah, I opened the umbrella inside the shed.
I see, so you opened one of these umbrellas inside the shed.
Damn your syntactical vortex!
In the shed, umbrella in the shed.
I suppose the younger contestants
will be better at this sort of thing.
LAUGHTER
What you doing? Lucky penny!
There's a lucky penny!
So, that goes on there. OK.
Oh, there's a penny.
Is it lucky?
"Toss five heads on a coin in a row.
"Each toss of the coin must be a standard coin toss."
Just feels like we've been here before with the lucky penny.
Heads.
Hang on, there's gotta be something easier than doing this.
I'm going to toss my head five times in a row.
On the coin.
LAUGHTER
Maybe there's a coin with two heads.
AUDIENCE OOHS
No, these are all real coins.
You're only looking at one side.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE GASPS
Yes!
Three. Ooh.
I've found a lucky coin! Right.
It's got two heads on it.
OK, see if you can toss five in a row.
Sorry, I-I've seen it done on film.
Yes.
You've gotta start again, I'm afraid, Lucy.
Oh, fancy finding it, and then... I can just do it on there, yeah?
LAUGHING: Oh, sorry.
Is that tossed enough? Well, I-I've stopped the clock.
Heads, I've stopped the clock.
Four. Now, here we go.
Five. Was it a standard toss, that last one?
It was, and the penny in there.
Jolly good. Yeah.
You got a problem? Not wi...not...
No, sir.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Some firsts for Julian there,
that's the first time we've seen you directly threaten Alex.
Heterosexual male banter.
LAUGHTER
Erm, what I wrote about you, Sue, is you "lost your goddamn mind."
That happened.
Do I allow Sue's head tossing?
Hmm. It did say they were meant to be standard coin tosses.
Listen, I've travelled, I've been lucky enough to travel a lot.
Er, just because we toss a coin in the West like this,
let me tell you... Yeah, we all know that in Peru,
that's how they do it. LAUGHTER
Lucy, the thing that I'm most fascinated by is the fact that you
have a singular inability to toss a coin.
I've never done that with - someone's always done it, you know?
Usually, without being sexist, a man.
A man. Yeah. You've got a man who does that for you?
No, I mean, you know...
I-I've never packed a boot.
LAUGHTER
SUE: Why would you?
I'll say, she was so much slower than all of them,
despite finding the two-headed coin. Yeah.
Ahh. Erm, Julian, you flicked it incredibly quickly.
It was on your third go.
You only have a 3% chance of doing it five times in a row.
So, Julian did the whole thing in four minutes, 12.
Lucy, 11 minutes, three. Yes.
And in the middle, we had Sam, six minutes, 51,
Sue, six minutes, 56, Susan, nine minutes, 49.
But Lucy did only put £7 and a penny on the £13 tray.
So, I'm afraid you didn't do all of the tasks. Didn't do it.
And, just while I'm being a party-pooper, Sue,
I'm afraid it's not considered a standard coin toss
anywhere in the world.
It's good I've got a jacket for this eventuality.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
APPLAUSE
When did you do that?
Erm, I said I wanted to go for a wee, and then, I did it,
and then, some of the guys backstage helped me do it. Ah.
So, there we are. There we are, it means that Susan,
you get 3 points. Sam, 4.
But Julian, you thought this was a young person's task,
wins all 5 points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I think I'd like another, please.
OK, then, Greg, and night-night!
Ooh!
Ah, Susan. Hi.
LAUGHTER
Julian. Hello.
Good evening.
Night-night. Ah.
It's nice, in't it?
Ah, love a starry night.
Might just adjust this to stay in the same frame.
Perfect.
What the h... Really? Yeah.
"Convince a child you're asleep.
"You must either have a nap lasting one minute
"with your face visible throughout.
"During this nap, you must snore and sleep walk.
"Or you must have a nap lasting one minute
"where you are not in bed at all,
"but the child thinks you are.
"During this nap, you must snore and sleep talk.
"Most convincing sleeper wins.
"You have a maximum of 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Wh-Who is this child?
Which method are you going to take?
I'll go in the bed, I think.
I'm going to do number one, it'll be me with my face visible.
Quite a good actress, so I'll just do it myself.
I'm not going to be in the bed.
I'm going to be talking to this child and...
...sleep talking, snoring.
You think that's the best way?
For me, yeah.
I'm going to do the sleep talking.
I want to have some movement, cos when you're a sleep talker,
the body moves, so it'll need to sort of move around a bit.
I was made for this.
I don't know if you know,
but I trained at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, mate.
You think you're going to win this one? I think so.
MUSIC BOX PLAYS
JULIAN GROANS
APPLAUSE
I thought that Sue and Susan looked quite sweet
in their bedtime outfits,
and everyone else looked like they were members of a cult.
So, everyone, in a way, is planning to use their acting skills -
with the exception of Julian,
who I think is just planning to go to sleep.
LAUGHTER
we'll see.
OK, we're going to see the child now,
watching Lucy and Susan, and Julian pretending to be asleep. OK.
Hello, Flossy. Hi.
OK, this first person, it's a man called Julian.
SNORING
SNORING CONTINUES
LAUGHTER
That was Julian. Do you think he was asleep?
No. Uh-huh. LAUGHTER
OK, this is Susan.
SHE SNORES
SHE GRUNTS
LOUD SNORING
I think she's asleep,
cos her sound's a little bit more realistic.
OK, and this is Lucy.
LOUD SNORING
Morning.
LAUGHTER
It's time to get up now.
Come on, then.
LAUGHTER
Ohh...where are my socks?
Where are my socks?
I'm... Oh. Not that way.
Oh...
...just five more minutes.
LOUD SNORE
Awake or asleep?
Awake. You could actually see her eyes opening.
She was like looking for her socks like that.
I don't know how she would be able to get in, back into bed
when she was looking for her socks.
APPLAUSE
RADA strikes again. Yeah.
It's - I know it's annoying,
but it's all I've got, so... let me have it. Yeah.
Er, Lucy, what I wrote down was
"some of the worst acting I've ever seen."
I know, I don't get many acting roles, have you noticed?
LAUGHTER
I asked Alex during it if he could show us Flossy's reaction
to your acting one more time.
She reacted like this.
Come on, then.
LAUGHTER
Part three is over.
Come back to see our task titans grapple it out in the final part.
All desperate to take home a lump of cobalt,
a cat balls calendar, and scream,
"Look, Mum, I've made it!" CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to the final part of the show,
where our cast are fast asleep - or are they?
No, they're all awake, Greg, come on, mate.
Pay attention, but they are attempting to trick
our special guest sleep inspector, Flossy, into believing they are.
Now it's time for Sam and Sue.
So, I've got my snoring string and my sleep-talking stick.
Of course. Yeah? Mm-hm.
SNORES LOUDLY
SNORING CONTINUES
Here's Sue.
LOUD SNORING
INDISTINCT MUTTERING
...Lateral thinking...
SNORING CONTINUES
...Your time starts now...
Flossy, what do you think of Sue?
I think she's awake.
I don't think her snoring kept on stopping and going,
and stopping and going, and it kept on going, like, on.
Really? Interesting.
Right, well, there's only one more to see.
I'm now going to show you somebody called Sam.
LOUD SNORING
LAUGHTER
SNORING CONTINUES
LAUGHTER
SNORING CONTINUES
Thank you.
I think he's asleep.
We're saying Sam is asleep? Mm.
Right. So, we're down to Susan, or Sam, the flamingo.
I think she was awake. Really?
So, you're saying that flamingo is asleep?
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
It looks like RADA has been defeated.
LAUGHTER
By a toy flamingo.
We haven't said anything about Sue.
No, Flossy sort of saw through your technique,
because it was a bit jerky.
I just really liked the idea of stuffing a massive stick up
a mannequin's arse and rotating it like a rotisserie chicken.
Sue went to a lot of effort to construct that,
and Flossy just went, "Nah, she's not asleep.”
LAUGHTER
Although, Greg, I think it is worth reassessing the techniques used
by one of the sleepers.
Oh, OK. Have a watch of this.
LOUD SNORING
SAM'S VOICE: Hello, child.
Listen here, all you have to do is say that this is
the most convincing sleeper.
Seriously.
Say the yellow one. The yellow bed.
I'm going to get the production company to contact your parents.
I will give you £100. LAUGHTER
I'm going to figure out how to get it you,
£100 if you say that I'm the most convincing sleeper.
Thank you, child.
LAUGHTER
So, the question is, who was the most convincing sleeper?
SHE GIGGLES
Will Sam actually give me £1007?
LAUGHTER
I do want £100.
SHE GIGGLES
Final answer, who do you think was asleep?
I don't think Sam was awake.
Or Susan.
If you can't decide between Sam and Susan,
then that's absolutely fine.
If you think they're both asleep.
Do you think he would actually give me £1007?
Susan and Sam.
Flossy, thank you very much for looking at these five people.
APPLAUSE
Hey, listen all, all's fair in love and war.
You know, and those were the two that she chose.
I think the least-convincing sleeper,
I feel like I've picked on you a bit, Lucy,
but you just were.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I was. 1 point to Lucy. Got it.
I think Julian was more convincing than the rotisserie madness,
so I'm going to give Sue 2 points...
OK. ..and Julian 3 points.
And then, the people that fooled Flossy, by hook or crook,
both gain 5 points are Sam and Susan!
APPLAUSE
It's a three-way tie at the top between Julian, Sam, and Susan,
all on 12 points! Whoa!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, it's time to make your way to the stage for
the final task of the show!
APPLAUSE
Who's going to read the task out?
Julian Clary, please.
"Mime the proverb on your card.
"There will be three minute-long rounds.
"You must be waving at each other throughout your attempt.
"But you can make a single noise of the Taskmaster's choosing."
So, this is a team task.
The waving bit's going to be really annoying.
While miming, you have to wave to each other.
Any questions? Yes, Sam.
Oh, I'm just practising. Yeah, OK.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So, first of all, Sam, you're going to miming the proverbs
to these two people here on your team, Lucy and Julian.
But you cannot pass.
And in Round One, what noise can they make?
I'd like Sam to make the noise...
...of a steam train.
So, start waving and start miming on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Waving, Sam, waving Sam, waving.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch?
Correct!
APPLAUSE
And serving...
A watched pot?
You're welcome to use the steam train. ..Kettle...
HE MIMICS TRAIN
Er, too many cooks?
Spoil the broth. Correct!
Correct! WHISTLE BLOWS
You must stop there, you scored 2 points, 2 points.
So, Susan to mime to Sue. What noise can Susan make?
A clip-clopping horse.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Drawing, painting, victory.
Go to right, throws a ball.
Erm, er, I'm strong. The strongest.
Fastest, jousting, fighting.
The sword is mightier than the pen. Yeah!
No, no. The pen is mightier than the sword! Correct, yes!
MAKES CLIP-CLOPPING SOUNDS
Erm, one more town.
Erm, don't, er, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Yeah! Correct!
Er, you've...
Every poo has a silver lining.
LAUGHTER
Goose's eggs, eggs, look at the, the basket.
Basket, don't count your eggs in your basket!
Don't put all your eggs in one basket!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Wow, I can't believe the mighty horse was useful.
LAUGHTER
The team of two win Round One.
There is two rounds to go though.
Sue, you are going to Susan this time. OK, er...
What noise would you like Sue to make?
I was thinking a sort of auctioneer.
Sort of... IMITATES AUCTIONEER
LAUGHTER
Team of two get ready to wave and mime, go.
WHISTLE BLOWS
A pony, stroke the horse.
Scratch the horse. Don't scr...
Oh, my God.
LAUGHTER
IMITATES AUCTIONEER
Ooh! Hmm...
Oh, what?
MEOW!
Meow!
WHISTLE BLOWS And that's the end of the round.
Yeah, it was curiosity killed the cat.
GREG LAUGHS
What sound is Lucy allowed to make? I would like Lucy to make the sound
of someone falling off a mountain.
Ahh.
They need one to win this round.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Money.
Money...
Wave, wave, waving, Lucy. ..doesn't...
Waving, Lucy. ..grow on trees.
Correct! That's the end of Round Two.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
It's 1-1. One round to go.
What noise is available to Julian?
The mighty bong of Big Ben.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Bong!
Waving, Julian.
We're talking five words.
Five words. First word...
Waving, Julian. Slip.
Fourth word...
Drink. Drink.
Erm, water, it's great.
Oh, it's something with water?
Erm, blood is thicker than water!
Correct! Wow! APPLAUSE
Eight seconds, Julian, eight seconds.
Look...
Look before you jump. Look before you leap!
It was on the buzzer, and he did it!
Yeah, I think you got it on the buzzer, yeah.
It's been given. Two to beat.
You've gotta get three, Susan, you've gotta get three to win.
What sound can Susan make, if she chooses?
Oh, yeah, the sound. If you want to, a haunting whistle.
Hello. Er, laughing.
Laughter's the best medicine. Correct.
Ohh! APPLAUSE
No, crying. Er, don't cry over spilt milk.
Correct!
APPLAUSE
Er, sunshine, pick the fruit, er, er...
...dropping fruit.
Erm, orchard, trees. I've got the fruit, apples.
Apple tree. I've fallen over the apple tree.
Apple falls.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!
WHISTLE BLOWS CHEERING
Uh, we'll add that to the final scores. Come down and join me!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Who'd have thought that would end in such a high-octane way?
It was an adrenaline rush.
The team of three obviously came second.
The team of two, first.
The team of three got five right, they got six right altogether.
5 points. Team of two, of course... Team of two. Yeah.
What should I give the others?
3 feels fair.
OK, so it's 3 points to the team of three,
5 points to the team of two!
APPLAUSE
It means, at the end of the episode, Lucy, you come last with 7 points.
Sue, 11. Sam, 15. Julian, also 15. Susan, also -
no, she's won the episode with 17 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Whoa! Susan Wokoma wins!
Please go and pick up your drum roll-worthy prizes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight, everyone's talking about the winner - it's Susan Wokoma!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media