1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,440 {\an2}This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:07,000 {\an2}Good evening. 3 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:09,600 {\an2}Agh! 4 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:11,640 {\an2}Ah. 5 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:12,680 {\an2}Ooh. 6 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,120 {\an2}I trained at RADA. 7 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:16,280 {\an2}What have I created? 8 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:18,240 {\an2}Sorry. 9 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,880 {\an2}How we laughed. 10 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:21,920 {\an2}Ah. 11 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:25,760 {\an2}Huh? 12 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:39,240 {\an2}Hello, welcome to the show. I'm Greg Davies. 13 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:40,560 {\an2}If Taskmaster is 14 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,480 {\an2}the new Colosseum, then our contestants are lion fodder. 15 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,720 {\an2}If Taskmaster is the Olympics, then these five 16 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,880 {\an2}need to beef up on 'roids big-time. 17 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,280 {\an2}If Taskmaster is the new religion, then I'm 18 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,760 {\an2}the mother-flipping pope and I don't smoke dope 19 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,560 {\an2}and I've never owned a soap on a rope. 20 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,280 {\an2}Wow! Writing introductions is increasingly tough. 21 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,680 {\an2}So, let's crack on and meet our colossal contenders, 22 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:07,160 {\an2}they are Julian Clary, Lucy Beaumont, 23 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,640 {\an2}Sam Campbell, 24 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,480 {\an2}Sue Perkins and Susan Wokoma. 25 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,200 {\an1}APPLAUSE 26 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,680 {\an2}And next to me the answer to 27 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,400 {\an2}the question, which well-known presenter does little plops in 28 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,720 {\an2}the toilet like the ones you'd expect to see from a sheep? 29 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:28,640 {\an2}It's little Alex Horne. 30 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:32,840 {\an2}All right. 31 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:33,880 {\an2}Hello. 32 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:35,200 {\an2}Say again? 33 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,800 {\an2}Go on, what are you preoccupied with? 34 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,880 {\an2}Oh, was I? Sorry, no, yeah, no 35 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,160 {\an2}not very professional. 36 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,160 {\an2}It's just this new WhatsApp group. Yeah. 37 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,200 {\an2}I love WhatsApp. Do you? 38 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,800 {\an2}Just the groups, and anyway... OK. 39 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,760 {\an2}Yes, no, I'm looking... looking forward to the show. 40 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,600 {\an2}Let's have a look at your WhatsApp group. 41 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,680 {\an2}Really? Yeah. It's sort of priv.... It's sort of me and my friends. 42 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,240 {\an2}Yeah. Let me see. 43 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:57,280 {\an2}My actual friends. 44 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:01,520 {\an2}"The Little Ones." 45 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:04,840 {\an2}It's the name of the group, yeah. 46 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,640 {\an2}Yeah. Who's in it? Lil Nas is in it, is he? Yeah. 47 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,520 {\an2}What's he say? "Hey, guys." 48 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,960 {\an2}Yeah. "You free Wednesday? Got some little plans." 49 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,240 {\an2}He's so funny. So funny. 50 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,080 {\an2}You say, "Nah, man, not Wednesday, 51 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,960 {\an2}"swimming lesson. You know this." 52 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,040 {\an2}Hmm, should do. 53 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,800 {\an2}And Lil Nas says, "Lil Wayne, you around next Wednesday?" 54 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,080 {\an2}"Like I say, I've got some little plans." 55 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,080 {\an2}Lil Wayne says, "Also not free Wednesday, 56 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,640 {\an2}"I've got my climbing lesson." Climbing, always Wednesday. 57 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,440 {\an2}"I thought you knew that, Lil Nas." Yeah. 58 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:37,960 {\an2}And lots of exclamation marks. 59 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,640 {\an2}And then, in comes Richard Littlejohn. 60 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,320 {\an2}He says, "Hi, guys, love the banter as always." Yeah. 61 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:51,520 {\an2}"I'm now free on Wednesday as my javelin practice..." 62 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,320 {\an2}"..my javelin practice..." It moved. 63 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,720 {\an2}"..has been moved to Sunday mornings. 8am, WTF." 64 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,680 {\an2}Yeah, so early. Isn't that early for javelin? 65 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,640 {\an2}Yeah. Yeah. 66 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,960 {\an2}I've messaged him back for you. What did you say? 67 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:08,120 {\an2}Oh. 68 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,080 {\an2}I don't think they've ever heard me using that word before. 69 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,400 {\an2}OK, that's a shame, that's a shame. 70 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,280 {\an2}Right, on with the prize task. 71 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,480 {\an2}Yes. And you'll like this one, Greg, because 72 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,080 {\an2}they've been asked to bring in 73 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,400 {\an2}the bit of old crap that Greg likes the best. 74 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,080 {\an2}Wow, you are getting lazy. 75 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,480 {\an2}We all know Greg likes old crap 76 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,880 {\an2}but what old crap does Greg like best? 77 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,720 {\an2}Best old crap equals five points 78 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,360 {\an2}and the winner today will take home five bits of old crap. Crappy days. 79 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,960 {\an2}OK, Julian, what bit of crap have you brought in? 80 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:42,480 {\an2}Oh, you're gonna love this. It's a ceramic soldier from a junk shop. 81 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,760 {\an2}Here we go. It's a gentleman at arms. 82 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,520 {\an2}I bought it to annoy my husband cos I thought he'd hate it. 83 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,320 {\an2}But, actually, we've grown to love him. 84 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:51,720 {\an2}We call him Bernard. 85 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,720 {\an2}And he's everything you'd want in a soldier. 86 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:58,280 {\an2}He's well-presented, he's very, very smart 87 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,800 {\an2}and probably available for no-strings fun round 88 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,320 {\an2}the back of the barracks. You get that vibe. 89 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,320 {\an2}He's got that look in his eye, hasn't he? Yeah, I see that. 90 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,800 {\an2}Why does it have to be no-strings? 91 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,200 {\an2}That's how we like it. 92 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,440 {\an2}I wonder where that tradition came from 93 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,760 {\an2}of soldiers having big feathers on their head. Any idea? 94 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,280 {\an2}Yeah, yeah, I know. OK. 95 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,000 {\an2}Lucy, can you beat a ceramic soldier? 96 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,840 {\an2}This is a mouse dropping. 97 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,720 {\an2}Oh. Basically, where my mum lived, 98 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:34,480 {\an2}when she was growing up, she lived next door to, 99 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,880 {\an2}uh, an old couple and they couldn't have children. 100 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,120 {\an2}So, the husband, he bought a monkey off a sailor. 101 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,720 {\an2}Um, but the monkey bit her nose off. 102 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,400 {\an2}And I was never allowed pets. 103 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,240 {\an2}But my mum did eventually get me a hamster. 104 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:56,200 {\an2}And one night, it ran across the settee, and so, 105 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,880 {\an2}because it scared her, she whacked it and killed it. 106 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:04,520 {\an2}But because of that, my mum's now got mice in her pantry. 107 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,880 {\an2}And instead of getting rid of 'em, she's keeping 'em like pets. 108 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,800 {\an2}And that's their dropping. 109 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:13,480 {\an2}So, the feathers are just 110 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,640 {\an2}a symbol of their collective identity, that's all it... 111 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:20,160 {\an2}I just feel like I have...I've done what you've asked me to do. 112 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,280 {\an2}You haven't done... You've just given me 113 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,880 {\an2}an awful insight into your upbringing. 114 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,920 {\an2}And then, you've brought me a plate full of shit, 115 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,400 {\an2}that's what you've done. 116 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,160 {\an2}Um, Sam, what have you brought? 117 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,960 {\an2}It's my National Insurance number. 118 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,440 {\an2}I had to get a National Insurance number. Yeah, we all have to. 119 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,600 {\an2}They rang me up. They said, "How do you want it? 120 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,440 {\an2}"It gets sent in a letter or just email 121 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,720 {\an2}"or you can get it on a cassette." 122 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,960 {\an2}A cassette? Yeah. 123 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,600 {\an2}It's for blind people so they can hear the number instead. Oh. 124 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,200 {\an2}Oh. Yeah, there's the prize. 125 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,280 {\an2}Wow. 126 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,480 {\an2}And this is what his National Insurance number is. 127 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:58,440 {\an2}COMPUTER VOICE: From the Department for Work and Pensions your reference. 128 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,720 {\an2}BLEEP, one, BLEEP, six, BLEEP, BLEEP. 129 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,320 {\an2}Pretty good. 130 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,200 {\an2}I sort of do want it. 131 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,760 {\an2}Cos you have trouble with sleeping. 132 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,960 {\an2}I do have trouble with sleeping, yeah. Chuck that on. 133 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,000 {\an2}Chuck that on. 134 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,040 {\an2}Hi, Sue. Hi, you. 135 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:20,160 {\an2}Can you beat a plateful of shit, a taped security number, a soldier? 136 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:21,240 {\an2}I've brought this in. 137 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:26,400 {\an2}Atomic Energy Badge for Boy Scouts in 1960s America. 138 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:27,440 {\an2}To get this badge, uh, 139 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:31,040 {\an2}as a Boy Scout, you had to build an electroscope, 140 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,320 {\an2}build a Geiger counter, 141 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:35,840 {\an2}go to a place underground with radiation 142 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,080 {\an2}and record the measurements. 143 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,800 {\an2}That's genuinely fascinating. Yeah. 144 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,600 {\an2}And I've gotta say, 145 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,160 {\an2}I think it might have the edge over a plate full of shit. 146 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,400 {\an2}Hello, Susan. 147 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,960 {\an2}Um, the thing that I've brought in is my childhood pet. 148 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,880 {\an2}So, here is Susan's bit of old crap. 149 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,600 {\an2}Yeah. 150 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,000 {\an2}I really wanted a dog. 151 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,840 {\an2}But my mum, she's Nigerian, 152 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,320 {\an2}so she doesn't really understand the concept of bringing 153 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:03,400 {\an2}a wild, hostile animal like a puppy into your home. 154 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,520 {\an2}Just doesn't translate. 155 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,480 {\an2}So one day, I was with my childhood friend Aurora. 156 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:09,960 {\an2}She's very arts-and-crafty. 157 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,800 {\an2}She calls her parents by their first name. 158 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,560 {\an2}Urgh. Really weird, really weird. 159 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,080 {\an2}Pull yourself together, Aurora. 160 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,440 {\an2}And so, we decided to walk along, uh, 161 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,480 {\an2}the Walworth Road 162 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:21,840 {\an2}and each find 163 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:26,280 {\an2}a leaf which we then covered in sticky back plastic and, 164 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,440 {\an2}I decided to name my childhood pet Le Fleur 165 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,280 {\an2}and that is a true story and I feel a bit sick. 166 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,800 {\an2}I'm not surprised. It's genuinely heartbreaking that someone... 167 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,640 {\an2}But it's a beloved. ..would have a pet that is a laminated leaf. 168 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,720 {\an2}Yes. 169 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,440 {\an2}Not easy for you this, Greg. 170 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:43,840 {\an2}I mean, it's not that hard. 171 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,400 {\an2}It'll come as little surprise that the thing I want to take home least 172 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,600 {\an2}is a big pile of mouse shit. One point to Lucy. 173 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,560 {\an2}One point. OK. What do you think I want to take home least the next? 174 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,200 {\an2}I think it's the National Insurance number of an Australian comedian. 175 00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,240 {\an2}It isn't. 176 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,400 {\an2}Oh. It's a laminated leaf. 177 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,080 {\an2}Two points to Susan, then, is it? Yeah. OK. 178 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,040 {\an2}I sort of want that soldier. Wait, wait, is this getting three points? 179 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:12,040 {\an2}Yeah. I can't explain why I want Sam's tape. 180 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,120 {\an2}I almost want it the most. 181 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,080 {\an2}But not quite. I want the atomic badge the most 182 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,320 {\an2}so I'm gonna give four points to Sam's weird tape 183 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,200 {\an2}and five points to the atomic badge. 184 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,760 {\an2}There we go. Well done, Sue Perkins. Wins the task. 185 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:27,240 {\an2}OK, let's get going. 186 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,320 {\an2}Stop. 187 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:30,360 {\an2}Go. 188 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,200 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 189 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,880 {\an2}And stop. 190 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,560 {\an2}This is already majestic. 191 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,160 {\an2}Standard sweeper. 192 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,960 {\an2}I haven't got a driver's licence. 193 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,320 {\an2}Do you have a driver's licence? 194 00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,920 {\an2}I do, it took a while to get. 195 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,520 {\an2}I can't drive. I'm a Londoner. 196 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,520 {\an2}We don't drive. You just get on the bus 197 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,880 {\an2}or the DLR and go boop-boop at the front. 198 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:10,520 {\an2}Can you drive, Sam? I can drive people crazy. 199 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,080 {\an2}Do you have a licence? I not only have a licence, Alex, 200 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,680 {\an2}I am a member of the Advanced Motorists association. 201 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,240 {\an2}So, stick that in your pipe. 202 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,440 {\an2}Drive, that's good, the first word. 203 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,640 {\an2}Drive across the finish line. 204 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,720 {\an2}You must obey all the rules of the road 205 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,880 {\an2}and must only stop your vehicle at a traffic signal. 206 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:35,600 {\an2}If you disobey a rule, 207 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,800 {\an2}Alex will blow his whistle 208 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,840 {\an2}and you must return to the start. 209 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,280 {\an2}Back here? Back here. 210 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,240 {\an2}For a ten-second driving lesson. 211 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,160 {\an2}Fastest wins. 212 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:49,880 {\an2}Your time starts when the traffic signals first change. 213 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,600 {\an2}So I'm gonna teach you about this vehicle. 214 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:52,640 {\an2}Right. 215 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,520 {\an2}This is the horn.Alex... BEEPS HORN 216 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,400 {\an2}Sorry. It's all right. 217 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,560 {\an2}No, no, but not yet, not, not yet. Yeah, 218 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,520 {\an2}the lesson hasn't quite finished or started. 219 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,080 {\an2}It goes up to ten miles an hour. 220 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,960 {\an2}Oh, I'm gonna push this bitch. 221 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,600 {\an2}But why are you gonna push it? 222 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,280 {\an2}I'm not entirely clear about these signals. No. 223 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,920 {\an2}I'm assuming red means stop. No. 224 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,440 {\an2}It doesn't? No. 225 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,880 {\an2}You start when the traffic signals change. OK. 226 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,720 {\an2}There were things that surprised me about the intro, 227 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,560 {\an2}"I'm gonna push this bitch." 228 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,960 {\an2}That's the reason it took 14 years to get the licence. 229 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:39,040 {\an2}Um, Julian, you're an Advanced driver? 230 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,360 {\an2}Well, my father was a traffic policeman, 231 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,600 {\an2}so he knew about this organisation. 232 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:47,920 {\an2}They teach you how to drive extra safely 233 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,880 {\an2}and you get a sticker to put in your car. 234 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,120 {\an2}But can you also do doughnuts in a car park and stuff? 235 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,560 {\an2}Ha, I have been known. 236 00:10:58,160 --> 00:10:59,880 {\an2}Um, things that didn't surprise me - 237 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,840 {\an2}Sam and Lucy can't drive 238 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,880 {\an2}and RADA sits on the front of trains 239 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,240 {\an2}and pretends she's the driver. 240 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,320 {\an2}I'm happy to see their attempts. 241 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,160 {\an2}So, neither of these two have a licence 242 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,160 {\an2}and neither of them should ever have a licence. 243 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,000 {\an2}It's Lucy and it is also Sam. Here we go. 244 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,280 {\an2}You can start when the traffic signals change. 245 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:18,320 {\an2}Right. 246 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,840 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS What's up? 247 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,080 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS Please come back 248 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:33,120 {\an2}for a driving lesson. 249 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:37,560 {\an2}Oh. 250 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,280 {\an2}Hello, Sam. How are you? Welcome to your first driving lesson. 251 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:48,960 {\an2}Hello, Lucy. Sorry. 252 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,920 {\an2}You clearly didn't obey the amber signal there. 253 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,080 {\an2}I didn't know what it means. 254 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,080 {\an2}Well, amber means to activate your brushes. 255 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:55,240 {\an2}What does red mean? 256 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,600 {\an2}You've got two seconds left. Red means go. Off you go. 257 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,240 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 258 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,080 {\an2}You did very well with the brushes that time, but then, 259 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,000 {\an2}you hit the purple one and, of course, at purple 260 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,360 {\an2}you must get out of your vehicle, 261 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,560 {\an2}walk round it and get back in it and carry on. 262 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:19,680 {\an2}Yeah. Right, OK. 263 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,680 {\an2}What's green mean? Green, wait for three seconds. Off you go. 264 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,400 {\an2}Red is go, go, go, go go. 265 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,600 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 266 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,240 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS Blue means you have to come back 267 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,280 {\an2}to the previous signal 268 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,800 {\an2}and then carry on. Oh, yeah, yeah. 269 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,800 {\an2}What's yellow? Yellow means you've gotta beep your horn and carry on. 270 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,000 {\an2}We're getting there. Yeah. 271 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,680 {\an2}Oh, bye-bye. 272 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,800 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS What the hell? 273 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,600 {\an2}You failed to activate your brushes. 274 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,240 {\an1}WHISTLING 275 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,480 {\an2}Orange means go? 276 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,520 {\an2}No. 277 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:51,560 {\an2}Ah! 278 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,000 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS Shall I come back on foot? 279 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,040 {\an2}If you want. 280 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:56,680 {\an2}Hello, Lucy. 281 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,480 {\an2}Turn them on. Purple is spin. 282 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,640 {\an2}Obviously, I would be able to do it if I had that with me. 283 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,480 {\an2}You want my piece of paper? Yeah. 284 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,160 {\an2}Lovely. 285 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,160 {\an2}Very good. 286 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:15,400 {\an1}BEEPING 287 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:26,680 {\an2}I've stopped the clock! 288 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,960 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS What? 289 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,680 {\an2}You're not allowed to stop unless you're next to a traffic signal. 290 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,760 {\an2}Can you come back for a driving lesson, please? 291 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,960 {\an2}What the hell? That was good! WHISTLE BLOWS 292 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,520 {\an2}Oh. What happens if this goes forever? 293 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,160 {\an2}Don't you have other things to film? 294 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:58,560 {\an2}Thank you, Sam. 295 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,200 {\an2}You should be ashamed. You should be ashamed. 296 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:03,680 {\an2}You should be ashamed. 297 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,000 {\an2}Well, firstly, you enjoyed your flashing blue hat 298 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,720 {\an2}and your authority too much, didn't you? 299 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,920 {\an2}I enjoyed it a lot. You did. 300 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,480 {\an2}Blowing his little whistle. 301 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,400 {\an2}What a knob! Now, Lucy, 302 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,440 {\an2}and I say this only in driving terms, 303 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,400 {\an2}I think there's something wrong with you. 304 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,240 {\an2}That's what the instructor said. 305 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:29,520 {\an2}Sam, you seemed very annoyed when you were called back at one point. 306 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,120 {\an2}Yes, I think I know the bit you mean. It's this bit. 307 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,160 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 308 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,400 {\an2}He kept whistling and the authority figure, his hat... 309 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,440 {\an2}Yeah, he loves... ..was pissing me off, man. 310 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,160 {\an2}Yeah. And he was smirking and he was nasty. 311 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,240 {\an2}He's a spiteful little shit, isn't he? 312 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,640 {\an2}"Oh, hoo-hoo, they're not doing my task right." 313 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,880 {\an2}He took 26 minutes and 22 seconds. 314 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:54,960 {\an2}Is that good? 315 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,000 {\an2}No... 316 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,240 {\an2}Lucy, 24 minutes and 30 seconds so they're similar times 317 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:01,800 {\an2}but Lucy's in the lead at the moment. 318 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:02,920 {\an2}Well done, Lucy. 319 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:06,360 {\an2}Advert time, 320 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,200 {\an2}and it's a real opportunity to practise mindfulness. 321 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,000 {\an2}Close your eyes and breathe. 322 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,200 {\an2}Then make a list of all the things you haven't done. 323 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,840 {\an2}Jesus, you're behind, get up, panic, 324 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,920 {\an2}no-one thinks you're up to the job. Argh! 325 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,560 {\an2}Hello, hello again. Welcome 326 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,880 {\an2}to part two of Taskmaster where our comedians are learning 327 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,960 {\an2}the Taskmaster rules of the road. 328 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,640 {\an2}Yes, Greg. It's our way or the Highway...Code. 329 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,960 {\an2}We've seen Sam and Lucy. Now for Sue Perkins 330 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,680 {\an2}and our resident Advanced Motorist Mr Julian Clary. 331 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:46,800 {\an2}Off we go. 332 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,520 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS Sorry, Julian, 333 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,480 {\an2}would you mind coming back for a driving lesson? 334 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,280 {\an2}Hello, Julian. 335 00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,960 {\an2}Hello, did I do something wrong? 336 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,320 {\an2}So you failed to obey 337 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,880 {\an2}the amber signal which is, of course, activate brushes. 338 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,200 {\an2}And red means? Go. 339 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,680 {\an2}Blue. Blue means return to the previous signal 340 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,840 {\an2}and obey that signal, as well. OK. 341 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,600 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS I'm returning. Yeah, I knew it. 342 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,160 {\an2}Do you have a pen? 343 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,320 {\an2}Father taught me to drive. Did he? 344 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,120 {\an2}I passed on my 17th birthday. 345 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,200 {\an2}Oh. Happy days. 346 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:24,280 {\an2}Happy birthday. I, um... 347 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,880 {\an2}Well, enough about you. Yeah, OK. 348 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,200 {\an2}Red means go. 349 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,840 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, dear. 350 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,240 {\an2}I can't read my own hands. 351 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,280 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, don't. 352 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:39,920 {\an2}So annoying! 353 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,040 {\an2}Bye-bye. Bye. 354 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,280 {\an2}Activate brushes. 355 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:50,560 {\an2}All right so far? 356 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,200 {\an2}Really nice. Really nice. 357 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,880 {\an1}BEEPING 358 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,000 {\an1}BEEPING 359 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,640 {\an2}I don't want it to end! 360 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,040 {\an2}Don't take hands off. 361 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,280 {\an2}I've stopped the clock! 362 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:17,920 {\an2}What was yellow? 363 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,640 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS Ten-second driving lesson, please. 364 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,080 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 365 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:30,720 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWING 366 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,000 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 367 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,560 {\an2}I'm not sure, in the history of this show, we've ever had such 368 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:44,240 {\an2}a chillingly calm meltdown. 369 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,240 {\an2}Well, I...I just smelt freedom. 370 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:52,960 {\an2}It was like a light bulb filament burnt out and then, "Nah, I'm out." 371 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,600 {\an2}It's not for me. I mean... 372 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,160 {\an2}All that blowing and I don't know how long I was there for, 373 00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,480 {\an2}but it was a long time. 374 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,760 {\an2}Well, it wasn't that long. 375 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,000 {\an2}13 minutes. 376 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,320 {\an2}You've got a shorter fuse than you thought, Julian. 377 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,280 {\an2}Well, he was the only one there to talk to. 378 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,960 {\an2}Oh, God. Awful. Um, 379 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,240 {\an2}so Julian gets no points, 380 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,360 {\an2}but, you know, what a glorious crash-and-burn. 381 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,880 {\an2}Oh, it was all worth it. 382 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,880 {\an2}Sue, I've just realised, whatever we've asked you to do 383 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,200 {\an2}for this whole series, you look like it's your job. 384 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,920 {\an2}I'm really biddable, that's the thing. 385 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,760 {\an2}I'm told to do something I go, "Absolutely," and then, I'm just it. 386 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,640 {\an2}You really did push that bitch. 387 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:30,880 {\an2}I know! 388 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,440 {\an2}She was an exhausted bitch by the time we finished. 389 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,520 {\an2}She pushed the bitch 390 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,600 {\an2}for a total of 11 minutes and 43 seconds. 391 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,800 {\an2}AUDIENCE OOHS Whoa. 392 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,120 {\an2}Who's next? 393 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,960 {\an2}Here is Susan on the sweeper. 394 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,520 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS What do, what do, what do I do? 395 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,360 {\an2}Please come back for a driving lesson. 396 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:57,840 {\an2}Oh, my God! All right. Ooh. 397 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,240 {\an1}SHE SCREAMS 398 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:02,880 {\an2}Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. 399 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,320 {\an2}Need to press. Ah! Stop! 400 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,440 {\an2}Wait, wait, wait, hang on. Wait, wait, I've got it. 401 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,000 {\an2}Everyone, calm down. 402 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,520 {\an2}Good. Stop, stop, stop, stop! 403 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,080 {\an2}I'm sorry, I nearly killed you. I'm so sorry. 404 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:23,240 {\an2}Why does it keep doing that? Why does it do that? Stop, uh... 405 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,680 {\an1}SUSAN SIGHS 406 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,040 {\an2}Welcome to your first driving lesson. 407 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,360 {\an2}Uh, unfortunately, you didn't obey the amber signal. 408 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,640 {\an2}Amber, of course, means you have to activate your brushes. 409 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:39,680 {\an2}Bye. 410 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,480 {\an2}Please come back for a driving lesson. What? No, no way! 411 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,200 {\an2}Well, I need to tell you what blue does. 412 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,880 {\an2}Blue means wait. Blue means... Wait. 413 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,280 {\an2}..come back to the previous set of signals. Off you go. 414 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,000 {\an2}What does yellow mean, now? 415 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,760 {\an2}It means you have to come back for a driving lesson. 416 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:01,800 {\an2}Careful. 417 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,880 {\an2}Yellow is beep the horn and carry on. 418 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,280 {\an2}Right, bye. Bye-bye. 419 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,240 {\an2}And do I keep them off? 420 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,520 {\an1}BEEPING 421 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,280 {\an1}BEEPING 422 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,320 {\an2}BEEPING I've already got it on 423 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,640 {\an2}so I just carry on...I'm going. 424 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,120 {\an2}I'm bloody going. 425 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,360 {\an2}You can't stop me! 426 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:29,760 {\an2}You can't stop me! 427 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,880 {\an2}Da-da-da-da-da. 428 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:34,920 {\an2}We got there. 429 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,640 {\an2}Well, here's some things that 430 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,680 {\an2}I never thought would be said out loud. 431 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,520 {\an2}You're a worse driver than Lucy Beaumont. 432 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,120 {\an2}Well, I don't have a driver's licence and... No way. 433 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,720 {\an2}No, no, no. 434 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,640 {\an2}I had so much fun. 435 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,040 {\an2}Oh, good. Yeah. 436 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:56,280 {\an2}Especially when I nearly killed someone. 437 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,280 {\an2}Didn't I hit that thing twice? Twice. 438 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,880 {\an2}The thing with the man behind? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 439 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,120 {\an2}She did fulfil the task. She passed. She learnt, 440 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,360 {\an2}she learnt really quickly. 441 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:05,800 {\an2}So, at first you were turning left, 442 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,640 {\an2}but not understanding why it went left. 443 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,360 {\an2}But you managed to time it better than anyone else with the flags. 444 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,800 {\an2}Thanks. So you did it in 13 minutes 50 seconds. 445 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,120 {\an2}Amazing. Oh, God, that's... Oh, what? Yeah. 446 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,400 {\an2}It's amazing. 447 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,920 {\an2}But it means Sam gets two points, three for Lucy, 448 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,760 {\an2}four for Susan, but Sue Perkins gets five points. There we are. 449 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,920 {\an2}And a score board, please. Maximum points at the moment goes 450 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,560 {\an2}to Sue Perkins in the lead with ten. 451 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:37,040 {\an2}Well done, Sue. May we have another task, please, Alex? 452 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,840 {\an2}Yes, and it's another one that really is just for you, Greg. 453 00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,480 {\an2}Hello. Oh, hi, Susan. 454 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:00,520 {\an2}Oh, hi. 455 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,320 {\an2}Hi, Sam. Oh, there's something in your pigeon hole. 456 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,560 {\an2}That's proper 50. 457 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,440 {\an2}Coin fever, hey! 458 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,680 {\an2}"Make Greg the best gift." 459 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,280 {\an2}"You have five minutes to order your items." 460 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,560 {\an2}"Then 15 minutes to make your gift." 461 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,040 {\an2}"Your items must cost no more than £50." 462 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:30,400 {\an2}I will need that money. 463 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,400 {\an2}So, I've got to pick these up like an animal? 464 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,200 {\an2}OK, your time starts now. 465 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:36,560 {\an2}Right, OK. 466 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,960 {\an2}Have you thought of anything you want me to buy yet? 467 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,280 {\an2}Yeah. OK. 468 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,520 {\an2}Shall I tell you? Yes, please. Oh, right. 469 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,320 {\an2}Can you get me a box? 470 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:53,680 {\an2}Corrugated cardboard. 471 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,600 {\an2}Something furry, fluffy. 472 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:56,640 {\an2}A blanket. 473 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:00,800 {\an2}What colour? 474 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:01,840 {\an2}Brown. 475 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,320 {\an2}And if there's any Mr Sheen spray 476 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,480 {\an2}and a duster if you can afford that, as well. 477 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:09,680 {\an2}I'd like a hairdryer. 478 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:10,960 {\an2}Nothing with nuts. 479 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,000 {\an2}The craziest straws that you can see. 480 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,520 {\an2}So, that's up to about £8 now, do you think? 481 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,080 {\an2}You've got 30 seconds and probably about £2 left to spend. 482 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,960 {\an2}Let's put some little sweets in. Hmm. 483 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,480 {\an2}Or maybe he's a cris... I think he might be a crisp man. 484 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,200 {\an2}Ferrero Rocher. 485 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,800 {\an2}You're going to spoil him. 486 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,920 {\an2}Cheap crisps. Cheap crisps. Cos then, we can have a few. He'll like that. 487 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,480 {\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS OK. Here you are. 488 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,360 {\an2}Are you OK? Yeah, I'm going to the shop. 489 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,280 {\an2}Whatever's left over, just buy yourself something. Right. 490 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:39,760 {\an2}All right. 491 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,600 {\an2}You've got 15 minutes to create your gift for Greg Davies. 492 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:43,640 {\an2}Fabulous. 493 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:49,760 {\an2}Um, is it appropriate to call him "sir"? Definitely. 494 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,800 {\an2}It sort of looks like you know what you're doing. 495 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:53,840 {\an2}I don't. 496 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,600 {\an2}Wear this one. Yeah. And then, I'd like you to come out naked. 497 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:57,640 {\an2}Look at that. 498 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,960 {\an2}Is that snow? Yeah. 499 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,080 {\an2}I'm sorry I started this now. Yeah. 500 00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:04,880 {\an2}And you've finished, have you? Yeah. Yeah. I'm done now. 501 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,600 {\an2}This is really good, by the way. 502 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,520 {\an2}You want me to pass that on? Yeah. 503 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,480 {\an2}I've got a real feeling this is gonna be quite...quite wonderful. 504 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,800 {\an2}You sort of set Sam up there a little bit by giving him coins... Yeah. 505 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,280 {\an2}..while everyone else had a note. 506 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,640 {\an2}But I think we set him up because we always know he's 507 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:21,920 {\an2}gonna say something amazing. 508 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,600 {\an2}And I just loved, "Coin fever, eh!" 509 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:28,880 {\an2}Why did you have an orange tie on? 510 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,960 {\an2}I was under instructions to spend whatever money was left over, 511 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,320 {\an2}uh, on something for myself. 512 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,640 {\an2}I'm very excited by all of these 513 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:40,000 {\an2}and well done for the "sir" thing. It puts me in mind of my teaching days. 514 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,520 {\an2}I thought it might. 515 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:42,640 {\an2}Advert time. 516 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:46,520 {\an2}A wise man once said, never a borrower or a lender be. 517 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,040 {\an2}And did that guy have an air fryer or a SodaStream? 518 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,320 {\an2}No, what a loser. 519 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:52,160 {\an2}Apply for a new credit card immediately. 520 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,760 {\an2}The neighbours are talking about you! 521 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,600 {\an2}Bye. 522 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:07,960 {\an2}Hello. 523 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,680 {\an2}Welcome back to Taskmaster where I've been 524 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,000 {\an2}a very patient boy, haven't I, Alex? 525 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,400 {\an2}Such a patient boy, Greg, 526 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,200 {\an2}but the waiting is about to pay off. Are you ready? 527 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,560 {\an2}Yes! Let's go and get your presents. Come on. 528 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:27,560 {\an2}Happy birthday, Greg. 529 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:28,600 {\an2}Present time. 530 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,760 {\an2}Yes, let's start this end. 531 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,800 {\an2}This one is from Mr Julian Clary. 532 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:34,000 {\an2}You remember the box he made. 533 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,120 {\an2}Yes. Enjoy. 534 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,320 {\an2}Ah, that is a lovely box 535 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,720 {\an2}with pink spots on it. So lovely, Julian. 536 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,280 {\an2}This could change your life. 537 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:44,920 {\an2}Oh... 538 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,160 {\an2}Oh, God. 539 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:53,040 {\an2}Oh, God, that is... 540 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,160 {\an2}There's more. Oh. 541 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,800 {\an2}What's that, polish? 542 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:01,280 {\an2}Oh. Julian's written "Have fun!" in the bottom. 543 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:06,680 {\an2}This is what? The shorts. Oh, God... 544 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,800 {\an2}I mean, you know, it's getting to the time 545 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,240 {\an2}where I should consider retiring, 546 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,800 {\an2}so why don't I go out with a bang and put this on. 547 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,760 {\an2}Thank you for my... 548 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,840 {\an2}..gimp costume? 549 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:21,920 {\an2}OK, second present. This is from Susan Wokoma. 550 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:25,840 {\an2}Oh, I like that. Home-made. 551 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,520 {\an2}Oh, that is nice. 552 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,720 {\an2}I-I think you should put it on. 553 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,680 {\an2}Pop that on. Get that on you. 554 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,200 {\an2}A more cynical man would say that this was just 555 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,840 {\an2}some crudely cut pieces of material... No. 556 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,600 {\an2}..that have been glued onto a fur coat. 557 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,440 {\an2}No, no, you'd be mistaken. 558 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,800 {\an2}If you wanna go up to the fr... Oh, look at that! 559 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,280 {\an2}Give us a spin! AUDIENCE CHEERS 560 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,720 {\an1}WHISTLING, APPLAUSE 561 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:50,720 {\an2}Pop these on. 562 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,160 {\an2}Yeah! Yeah! 563 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,840 {\an2}There we are. Yeah. 564 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,440 {\an2}Oh. They're nice presents so far, aren't they? 565 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,560 {\an2}Honestly, they do feel quite nice. 566 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,000 {\an2}Lucy Beaumont's...den. 567 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,280 {\an2}Ah. 568 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,680 {\an2}That's quite clever though because I do like a den. 569 00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,320 {\an2}Well, you can hide in there waiting for your victims. 570 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,560 {\an2}There's a trail of crisps, you know, where someone might go, 571 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,800 {\an2}"Oh, crisps!" and then, they'll come in the den, 572 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:19,080 {\an2}and then, you can get them. 573 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,320 {\an2}Can you fit in there OK? 574 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,360 {\an1}GREG SIGHS 575 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:29,280 {\an2}Let's see, shall we? 576 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,320 {\an2}Oh, you're going in backwards. Yes. 577 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,320 {\an2}You like the present, Greg? 578 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:38,720 {\an2}MUFFLED: No. 579 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,560 {\an2}Bit more delicate, this one. This is, uh, 580 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:46,160 {\an2}from Sam Campbell. All for you. 581 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:48,880 {\an2}Oh. 582 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,520 {\an2}What is at the bottom of the bucket, there's snow? 583 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:55,800 {\an2}I mean, I have to say, this is Sam's actual credit card. 584 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,520 {\an2}So, that's incredible. Yeah, it's a gentleman's basket. 585 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,040 {\an2}Oh, what I was thinking? 586 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,120 {\an2}Well, I thought, when I saw you, you're so stylish. 587 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,600 {\an2}I didn't know you were gonna start dressing Fagin at a disco. 588 00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:11,680 {\an2}Last one. 589 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,120 {\an2}And now, you can enjoy a lovely bit of art. 590 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:17,720 {\an2}Oh, wow. Is that you? That's you? 591 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:19,160 {\an2}Yeah, we did that in the garden. 592 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:21,840 {\an2}There's a version on the back where the artist's in the frame. 593 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,600 {\an2}I just wanted you to see Alex in a more aesthetic, 594 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,040 {\an2}romantic - perhaps, even sexual - way. 595 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,560 {\an2}Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful. 596 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:34,800 {\an2}Which is your least favourite gift, Greg? 597 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:37,360 {\an2}I don't wanna give any of them one point. Right. 598 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:38,560 {\an2}I'm gonna give, uh, 599 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:40,640 {\an2}two points to Sam's gentleman's basket. 600 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,360 {\an2}Ah. Because I think, well, it's insane. 601 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:44,400 {\an2}Lovely stuff. 602 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,240 {\an2}And I think I'm gonna give, three points 603 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,520 {\an2}to Susan's coat. Do you know why? 604 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:51,640 {\an2}I can imagine. 605 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,400 {\an2}It's rubbish. 606 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:54,640 {\an2}Three to Susan. 607 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,240 {\an2}I'm gonna give four points to Lucy's crisp den. 608 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:02,280 {\an2}And I'm gonna give four points also to Julian's, uh, rubber outfit 609 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:05,720 {\an2}because it's just something I've never considered before. 610 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:06,960 {\an2}And I'm gonna give five points 611 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:10,760 {\an2}to this beautiful painting of my favourite man in the world. Oh. 612 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:12,760 {\an2}Well, there we go. Sue Perkins wins the task! 613 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:15,000 {\an2}Let's go back down. 614 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:20,520 {\an2}Shall we try for another? Hmm, yes, please. 615 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,560 {\an2}OK, Greg, here is some more clowning about. 616 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,640 {\an2}Hello. Hello, there. 617 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,760 {\an2}Ah. That's a creepy clown. 618 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:50,520 {\an2}Don't go any closer to the clown that's... 619 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:52,480 {\an2}I don't want to. It's a clown. Good. 620 00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:53,680 {\an2}OK, here we go. 621 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:57,200 {\an2}"Feed the clown the most cards." 622 00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:00,040 {\an2}"No part of you must cross the threshold of the stage." 623 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:04,960 {\an2}This is the stage. Don't go any closer than that. 624 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,400 {\an2}No, uh, no... Exactly. Even if a hair goes over it. 625 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,880 {\an2}"You have ten minutes, your time starts now." 626 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:15,040 {\an2}Pretty straightforward. 627 00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:17,360 {\an2}Get the cards into the clown's mouth. Mm-hm. 628 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,560 {\an2}Do not cross the threshold 629 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:21,360 {\an2}and I will be ruthless on this. 630 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:24,040 {\an2}I think we should just get on with it. OK, well, let's begin, 631 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,880 {\an2}as we so often have, with Lucy and Susan. 632 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,840 {\an2}I'm gonna just try and see what my aim's saying. 633 00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:34,920 {\an2}Cool. 634 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:38,080 {\an2}Have you got a fishing rod and a magnet? 635 00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:39,240 {\an2}All I've got is a shed. 636 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,000 {\an2}I'll try it again just so that we're all aware that this is not 637 00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:43,320 {\an2}how we're gonna do this. 638 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,040 {\an2}Useless. 639 00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:48,400 {\an2}Hello, Lucy. Hiya. 640 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:49,440 {\an2}You got a plan? 641 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:50,760 {\an2}Yeah. Yeah. 642 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:54,800 {\an2}All right, so we've done that. 643 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:55,840 {\an2}Yeah, done that. 644 00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:08,280 {\an2}That was about six. 645 00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:10,040 {\an2}Do you mind telling me your plan? 646 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,400 {\an2}I want to see if you'll, um, if you'll sit on there. 647 00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:14,760 {\an2}I don't mind sitting on a sledge. 648 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:16,840 {\an2}I can't cross the threshold. 649 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:22,600 {\an2}Can you cross the threshold? 650 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,560 {\an2}Yeah, I can do what I want. Can you get me all the cards, please? 651 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:27,720 {\an2}No, thank you... No, thank you. What?! 652 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:28,960 {\an2}I don't really like clowns. 653 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,320 {\an2}No, nobody does, do they? 654 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,240 {\an2}I'm just gonna give you this card. 655 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:36,200 {\an2}You might need to just shuffle forward a bit. 656 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:38,760 {\an2}Uh, I won't be putting them in the clown's mouth. 657 00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:40,200 {\an2}You won't be? I don't think so. 658 00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:43,600 {\an2}Right, hmm. 659 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,000 {\an2}May I go in the shed, please? Thanks. 660 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:49,880 {\an2}Ah. 661 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:51,800 {\an2}I mean, there's nothing in here. 662 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:53,880 {\an2}Well, no, that's cos that's not the shed. 663 00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:57,360 {\an2}Why am I sitting on a sledge? I don't know, 664 00:31:57,400 --> 00:31:59,760 {\an2}I was gonna push you if you needed me to. 665 00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:00,880 {\an2}OK. 666 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:03,680 {\an2}No. 667 00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,120 {\an2}You were fine, just... Was I? 668 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:06,760 {\an2}Ah, yeah. I'm over it. 669 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,160 {\an2}I've got a feeling this isn't the best way, 670 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:14,000 {\an2}but I don't know... I've sort of committed to it, 671 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:15,720 {\an2}I don't know any other way now. 672 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,080 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 673 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,120 {\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS 674 00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,920 {\an2}Well, there are SOME cards in the clown's mouth. 675 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:34,960 {\an2}What's great about Taskmaster is that people sometimes try a method, 676 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:37,560 {\an2}but then, they evolve as the task goes on. 677 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:39,320 {\an2}Not in Susan's case. 678 00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:40,360 {\an2}No, no, no. 679 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:43,200 {\an2}It was just the throw the cards, route one. Yeah. 680 00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:45,120 {\an2}Throw the cards into the clown's mouth. Yeah. 681 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:47,080 {\an2}How many did you get in? Uh, was it three? 682 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:48,120 {\an2}How many'd she get in? 683 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:49,640 {\an2}Actually 12. Oh, was it 12? 684 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,320 {\an2}Wow. Yeah, 12 in the end. For, for insanity, that's pretty good. 685 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:55,400 {\an2}Well, that's a disappointing start. 686 00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:58,160 {\an2}Well, you would've thought no-one could be worse than that. 687 00:32:58,200 --> 00:32:59,920 {\an2}You would've thought. 688 00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:01,920 {\an2}Hello, Lucy. Hi. 689 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:03,720 {\an2}Why were you wearing two hats? 690 00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:06,240 {\an2}I think just cos, they were, they were in there. 691 00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:09,160 {\an2}Yeah, pop 'em on. Fine perfect answer. Is that all right? 692 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:12,760 {\an2}Probably the same reason that when Susan failed, she maniacally laughed. 693 00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,800 {\an2}Lucy, did you really think you could use a leaf blower 694 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:18,960 {\an2}to blow that card into the clown's mouth? 695 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,000 {\an2}Yeah. Yeah, she did. 696 00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,600 {\an2}Cos when I blow leaves at home I mean... Into a clown's mouth. 697 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:25,840 {\an2}Well, I mean they go...they go really far. They go miles. Yeah. 698 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:29,800 {\an2}So, it's 12 and zero to beat. 699 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:30,840 {\an2}Who's next? 700 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,120 {\an2}We're gonna see Sam Clownball and Julian Clowny, fine? 701 00:33:34,160 --> 00:33:35,160 {\an2}Yes. Here we go. 702 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:44,880 {\an2}I've got an idea. OK. 703 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,560 {\an2}I need some string, am I allowed to go back into the house? 704 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:50,760 {\an2}Oh, all the information's on the task, Sam. 705 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,920 {\an2}If I look in the shed might I find some elastic bands? 706 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:56,040 {\an2}It's a really nice shed. 707 00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:59,160 {\an2}Do you come with me or not? Do I go on my own? That's up to you. 708 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:00,560 {\an2}You come with me. Great! 709 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,120 {\an2}Is this your stage persona or is this what you're like? 710 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:07,320 {\an2}I don't know what you mean. 711 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,000 {\an2}OK. 712 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,040 {\an2}Why did you do that? 713 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:16,920 {\an2}Just to test my thrust. 714 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:17,960 {\an2}How was your thrust? 715 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:20,800 {\an2}Yeah. 716 00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:22,800 {\an2}Have you done this before? 717 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:32,760 {\an2}Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. 718 00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:39,280 {\an2}What I want to do is just shove the whole thing in. Oh, I see. 719 00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:44,240 {\an2}Oh. Oh. No. Oh, I could still get it now, then. 720 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,000 {\an2}That's in the clown. 721 00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:58,120 {\an2}That's what you wanted. 722 00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:00,440 {\an2}There's still one card not in. 723 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:03,600 {\an2}Um, have I got time to go and get a broom or something? 724 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,040 {\an2}You've got two minutes. 725 00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:06,800 {\an2}I'll go on my own this time. 726 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:08,600 {\an2}OK. Thank you. 727 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:12,680 {\an2}How lucky did I get with that little bit? The lip. Really lucky, Sam. 728 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,800 {\an2}Are you giving me some sort of countdown? 729 00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,600 {\an2}Do you want it to be dramatic? 730 00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:23,000 {\an2}Well, let's see how dramatic you are. 731 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:24,600 {\an2}You've got 45 seconds left, Julian. 732 00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:28,160 {\an2}Oh, now, I've done it. 733 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:29,600 {\an2}Oh, well, I give up. I don't... 734 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:33,400 {\an2}Never mind about the last card. 735 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:42,480 {\an2}Thanks, Sam. 736 00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,160 {\an2}That's the end of your time. Thank you. Thank you. 737 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:48,400 {\an2}It was nice to go to the shed with you. You're not the first. 738 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:55,320 {\an2}Sam, my feeling was that probably when you did that successful 739 00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:57,840 {\an2}power throw of the cards that you ran off 740 00:35:57,880 --> 00:35:59,640 {\an2}and you just kept running for days. 741 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:03,160 {\an2}Um, incredible. Must have been quite a rush. 742 00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:05,240 {\an2}This woman came to my school. 743 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:07,240 {\an2}She died, but she came back to life, 744 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,240 {\an2}and she came in to tell us about it cos she said she saw God 745 00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:13,000 {\an2}and he was a giant pink crystal. And that's how that felt. 746 00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:19,080 {\an2}Cheers, Sam. 747 00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:20,840 {\an2}Julian, your system worked really well. 748 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,000 {\an2}The only question I've got really is why did you make 749 00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,920 {\an2}the cards like two feet from the top of the rod? 750 00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:28,160 {\an2}Well, I think there was something wrong with that rod. 751 00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:31,560 {\an2}It wasn't quite as euphoric an experience for me as... 752 00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,520 {\an2}..as your brush with God. 753 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:37,280 {\an2}To me, it was just a packet of playing cards 754 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:39,000 {\an2}and a rusty old clown's mouth. 755 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:44,960 {\an2}Yes. Yeah, it didn't make you think of a rebirth and crystals, no? 756 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:46,200 {\an2}Not at any point. 757 00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:49,440 {\an2}No...no. So, Julian still had time to get that last card. 758 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:52,480 {\an2}He didn't get it which meant he got 51 in whereas Sam... Yeah. 759 00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:54,840 {\an2}..got 52 cards in. The full 52 cards. 760 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,680 {\an2}Wow. That one card was the difference. 761 00:36:56,720 --> 00:36:58,880 {\an2}We've reached the end of part three once more. 762 00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:01,360 {\an2}The prizes today include a Sellotaped leaf, 763 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,000 {\an2}a cassette tape of a National Insurance number 764 00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,240 {\an2}and some mouse droppings, 765 00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,680 {\an2}and yet, you will still watch. 766 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:10,520 {\an2}You will still watch. 767 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:26,200 {\an2}Hello. Welcome back 768 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:28,840 {\an2}to the final part of the show where there's 769 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,720 {\an2}a big old clown head that still needs feeding. 770 00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:33,560 {\an2}Oh, dear. Hungry, are you? 771 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:41,240 {\an2}No, I suppose you mean the clown head in the current task. 772 00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:43,480 {\an2}The last person to launch is Sue Perkins. 773 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:46,560 {\an2}These are the most funnelly things I could find 774 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:49,080 {\an2}but I think they might mean I have to cross the threshold. 775 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:51,720 {\an2}Right, OK. 776 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:53,920 {\an2}That's not gonna wor... Let's try and just... 777 00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:56,120 {\an2}I'm gonna go for plan B and just throw some things. 778 00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:02,080 {\an2}Yeah, I'm running out of cards. So. 779 00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:03,880 {\an2}So, we're on to plan C, is it now? 780 00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:05,520 {\an2}Can I bring the clown nearer me? 781 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,880 {\an2}As long as you don't cross that threshold. Right. 782 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:10,440 {\an2}How's it going, Sue? Is there any gaffer tape in the shed? 783 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:13,200 {\an2}Yes, would you like me to get it for you? Oh, thanks so much. 784 00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:15,800 {\an2}Also, if you find anything longer than this, that'd be great. 785 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:17,880 {\an2}You've got five minutes left. No! 786 00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:25,960 {\an2}Ah. 787 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,080 {\an2}Take that, you hungry clown. 788 00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,520 {\an2}Are there more cards? Ah! 789 00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:51,160 {\an2}Hello, Sue. 790 00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:52,680 {\an2}Hello, how long have I got? 791 00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:53,960 {\an2}You've got 30 seconds. Oh. 792 00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:57,800 {\an2}So there's another whole packet? 793 00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:00,320 {\an2}Yeah, the classic 72. 794 00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:01,640 {\an2}The classic 72. 795 00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:03,840 {\an2}Is it 72? 796 00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:07,720 {\an2}Thanks, Sue. 797 00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:09,160 {\an2}Classic 72, mate. 798 00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:10,680 {\an2}It's a classic 72. 799 00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:13,600 {\an2}Add it to the 87 that were there, we're talking big numbers. 800 00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:20,760 {\an2}What did you think the classic 72 was, one pack or two? 801 00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:22,200 {\an2}Uh, I thought it was one pack 802 00:39:22,240 --> 00:39:24,320 {\an2}and it's just the way I said, "The classic 72," 803 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,480 {\an2}and Alex just went, "72!" And then, I just thought, 804 00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:29,840 {\an2}"I have just become the biggest cock on Earth." 805 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:31,040 {\an2}The plan worked a treat. 806 00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:32,080 {\an2}You got the classic 72. 807 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,840 {\an2}Well done, you. Thank you. I do need to show you some more stuff. 808 00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:38,000 {\an2}Oh, there's a but, isn't there? Ah. I think we all felt there might be. 809 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,520 {\an2}It was actually birthday cards. Hmm. 810 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:43,840 {\an2}He's excited because he's gonna crush me again. 811 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,720 {\an2}Let's see what the Dream Crusher's got in store. 812 00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:49,560 {\an2}That's what my children call me. OK, here we go. 813 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:52,600 {\an2}I'm gonna go for plan B and just throw some things. 814 00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:54,200 {\an2}Yeah, watch that hand. 815 00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:56,960 {\an2}I'm gonna just try and see what my aim's saying. 816 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,200 {\an2}Cool. Hmm. 817 00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:17,720 {\an2}The Dream Crusher! 818 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:18,760 {\an2}Wow. 819 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:20,800 {\an2}That's fingertip cruel, mate. 820 00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:23,360 {\an2}He's right. It's fingertip cruel, mate. 821 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,600 {\an2}You look so nice, but underneath it all, you're just a shit. 822 00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:28,680 {\an2}Oh, that is... 823 00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:31,280 {\an2}Oh, that's awful, but rules are rules, unfortunately. Oh. 824 00:40:31,320 --> 00:40:34,240 {\an2}Yeah, it means Julian Clary was the only one who completed the task. 825 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:35,800 {\an2}Wow. Wow, really? 826 00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:37,160 {\an2}51 cards and you would've won 827 00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:39,040 {\an2}the task if you hadn't done anything at all. 828 00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:42,160 {\an2}Well done. Let's have a look at the scores. 829 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:44,320 {\an2}The winner so far is Sue with 15 points. 830 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:52,400 {\an2}Oh, can you please stay where you are 831 00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:54,960 {\an2}while Alex and I make our way to the stage... 832 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,840 {\an2}What? ..for the final task of the show! 833 00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:06,760 {\an2}Hello, there. Who will be reading the task out? 834 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:09,480 {\an2}It's me. OK. 835 00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:10,840 {\an2}A-hem. 836 00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,440 {\an2}Watch Alex's parade. 837 00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:15,680 {\an2}Oh. 838 00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:17,760 {\an2}Then answer the questions. 839 00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:21,600 {\an2}Most correct answers wins. 840 00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:25,240 {\an2}You may not make any notes during the parade. 841 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,880 {\an2}Let the parade commence. 842 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:29,800 {\an2}And here he comes. 843 00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:32,560 {\an2}The furry Wotsit. Oh, 844 00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:35,720 {\an2}he's wearing a lollipop person's outfit. 845 00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:38,880 {\an2}I remember my lollipop lady when I was a boy. 846 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:43,240 {\an2}Mandy. She was an angry lady who hated children. 847 00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:48,440 {\an2}Ooh, here he comes again. 848 00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:51,160 {\an2}Born in 1972 849 00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:54,480 {\an2}and found as a baby in a car park in Nantwich, 850 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:56,800 {\an2}Alex is now dressed as a doctor. 851 00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:59,640 {\an2}Which is ironic because he's currently suffering 852 00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:02,400 {\an2}from ugly haemorrhoids. 853 00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:07,080 {\an2}Ooh. Who's Alex, here's Alex the handyman. 854 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:10,360 {\an2}He could fix your immersion heater 855 00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:14,960 {\an2}or do a very workman-like strip at a hen-do. 856 00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:18,120 {\an2}But in real life, he couldn't do anything like that. 857 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:22,040 {\an2}Because he's had a soft upbringing and he's incompetent. 858 00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:23,880 {\an2}Oh, who could this be? 859 00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:27,840 {\an2}Who ordered the limp, white meat, 860 00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:30,120 {\an2}the limp, white meat. 861 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:33,200 {\an2}No, that's just Alex the chef. 862 00:42:33,240 --> 00:42:34,720 {\an2}He's always unappetising 863 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:37,240 {\an2}and when he eats he has to shut his eyes 864 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,280 {\an2}cos he can only open one orifice at a time. 865 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:45,600 {\an2}There he is again as a magician. 866 00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:48,480 {\an2}Alakazam! Wow, 867 00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:50,880 {\an2}he can literally turn any situation into 868 00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:53,200 {\an2}a lifeless vacuum. 869 00:42:53,240 --> 00:42:55,080 {\an2}What's his magician's name? 870 00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:59,080 {\an2}Why it's the Mysterious Bacteriosis. 871 00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:07,520 {\an2}No, he's got legs. 872 00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:10,560 {\an2}Look at his legs. Look at it. 873 00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:13,040 {\an2}Right, it's time for the, uh, parade test. 874 00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:15,160 {\an2}You may now pick up your blackboards and pens. 875 00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:18,800 {\an2}Question one... 876 00:43:27,720 --> 00:43:28,840 {\an2}Julian. 877 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:31,200 {\an2}Limp white meat. Lucy. 878 00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:32,480 {\an2}Swollen meat man. 879 00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:37,280 {\an2}Don't remember telling you my stage name. 880 00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:40,440 {\an2}Sam. A good bloke. 881 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:47,200 {\an2}Sue. Uh, I've got the wrong character so I said kill any vacuum. 882 00:43:47,240 --> 00:43:50,600 {\an2}Yeah. Susan. 883 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:52,480 {\an2}Um, my mind was sort of nearly there. 884 00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:53,920 {\an2}Soft white meat, I got. 885 00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:58,280 {\an2}I don't know. Very close... Yeah. ..but no cigar. No. 886 00:43:58,320 --> 00:43:59,560 {\an2}Question two. 887 00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:08,280 {\an2}Julian. 1972. 888 00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:11,880 {\an2}Lucy. He was born in 2015 or 1800s. 889 00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,760 {\an2}Absolutely incredible. Sam. 890 00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:18,160 {\an2}Uh, 1984. 891 00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:19,200 {\an2}Sue. 892 00:44:19,240 --> 00:44:20,240 {\an2}1972. 893 00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:23,160 {\an2}Susan? 1972. 894 00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:24,200 {\an2}Well done. 895 00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:25,400 {\an2}Question three. 896 00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,200 {\an2}Julian. 897 00:44:32,240 --> 00:44:33,680 {\an2}Alakabaz. 898 00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:35,880 {\an2}Ah. Lucy. 899 00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,240 {\an2}Cheesecake tits. 900 00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:40,520 {\an2}Sam. 901 00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:41,680 {\an2}Alakazam. 902 00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:43,200 {\an2}Sue. Alakazam. 903 00:44:43,240 --> 00:44:45,040 {\an2}Susan. Alakazam. 904 00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:47,040 {\an2}Very close, Julian, very close. 905 00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:49,640 {\an2}Question four. 906 00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:56,680 {\an2}Julian. Big end. 907 00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:00,920 {\an2}Lucy. His tripod. 908 00:45:02,640 --> 00:45:05,480 {\an2}Sam. His personal life. 909 00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:06,960 {\an2}Incisive. Sue? 910 00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:08,080 {\an2}Immersion heaters. 911 00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:09,760 {\an2}Susan. Immersion heater. 912 00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:10,800 {\an2}Wow. 913 00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:15,040 {\an2}And, finally, question five... 914 00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:22,560 {\an2}Julian. Rubber duck. 915 00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:26,280 {\an2}Lucy. A penis brackets cock ring or cheese triangle. 916 00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:30,680 {\an2}Sam. The Holy Bible. 917 00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,280 {\an2}Sue. Yeah, I guessed a duck, as well. 918 00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:38,560 {\an2}Susan. Yeah, duck, as well, yeah, yeah. 919 00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:40,000 {\an2}Seriously? Yeah. 920 00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:43,120 {\an2}It was a delicious satsuma. Oh, magic. 921 00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:45,360 {\an2}I didn't take any of it in at all. 922 00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:48,000 {\an2}We know. 923 00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:50,560 {\an2}So, we'll add all of those 924 00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:52,520 {\an2}and we'll put 'em onto the final scores. 925 00:45:52,560 --> 00:45:54,080 {\an2}We'll come down there and join you. 926 00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:04,400 {\an2}That's put the cat amongst the pigeons, hasn't it? 927 00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:06,080 {\an2}Yes, I changed my clothes really fast 928 00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:08,160 {\an2}and you produced a satsuma secretly. 929 00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:11,280 {\an2}Yeah. Scores-wise, Lucy didn't get any right, 930 00:46:11,320 --> 00:46:14,000 {\an2}but still gets one point for coming fifth, so well done. Ah, thanks. 931 00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:15,360 {\an2}And that feels like charity. 932 00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,080 {\an2}Yes. Uh, Sam, you got one right, 933 00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,000 {\an2}so you get two points for coming fourth. 934 00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:20,960 {\an2}Oh, great. Julian, you come third, 935 00:46:21,000 --> 00:46:22,440 {\an2}so you get three points. 936 00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:23,520 {\an2}Uh, Sue and Susan, 937 00:46:23,560 --> 00:46:26,520 {\an2}with suspiciously similar answers you, 938 00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:28,520 {\an2}you both win the task and get five points each. 939 00:46:32,120 --> 00:46:34,240 {\an2}And so... The winner of the episode, 940 00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:36,080 {\an2}with 20 points, is Sue Perkins! 941 00:46:38,240 --> 00:46:40,240 {\an2}Sue Perkins wins. 942 00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:43,040 {\an2}Please go and collect your bits of crap. 943 00:46:46,400 --> 00:46:48,440 {\an2}Just one sweet final to go 944 00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:50,960 {\an2}and one sweet winner tonight. 945 00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:52,120 {\an2}Sue Perkins! 946 00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:57,120 {\an2}Subtitles By Red Bee Media