1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,440
{\an2}This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
2
00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:07,000
{\an2}Good evening.
3
00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:09,600
{\an2}Agh!
4
00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:11,640
{\an2}Ah.
5
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:12,680
{\an2}Ooh.
6
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,120
{\an2}I trained at RADA.
7
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:16,280
{\an2}What have I created?
8
00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:18,240
{\an2}Sorry.
9
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,880
{\an2}How we laughed.
10
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:21,920
{\an2}Ah.
11
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:25,760
{\an2}Huh?
12
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:39,240
{\an2}Hello, welcome to the show.
I'm Greg Davies.
13
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:40,560
{\an2}If Taskmaster is
14
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,480
{\an2}the new Colosseum, then our
contestants are lion fodder.
15
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,720
{\an2}If Taskmaster is
the Olympics, then these five
16
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,880
{\an2}need to beef up on 'roids big-time.
17
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,280
{\an2}If Taskmaster is
the new religion, then I'm
18
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,760
{\an2}the mother-flipping pope
and I don't smoke dope
19
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,560
{\an2}and I've never owned a soap on
a rope.
20
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,280
{\an2}Wow! Writing introductions is
increasingly tough.
21
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,680
{\an2}So, let's crack on
and meet our colossal contenders,
22
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:07,160
{\an2}they are Julian Clary, Lucy Beaumont,
23
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,640
{\an2}Sam Campbell,
24
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,480
{\an2}Sue Perkins and Susan Wokoma.
25
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,200
{\an1}APPLAUSE
26
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,680
{\an2}And next to me the answer to
27
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,400
{\an2}the question, which well-known
presenter does little plops in
28
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,720
{\an2}the toilet like the ones
you'd expect to see from a sheep?
29
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:28,640
{\an2}It's little Alex Horne.
30
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:32,840
{\an2}All right.
31
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:33,880
{\an2}Hello.
32
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:35,200
{\an2}Say again?
33
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,800
{\an2}Go on, what are you preoccupied with?
34
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,880
{\an2}Oh, was I? Sorry, no, yeah, no
35
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,160
{\an2}not very professional.
36
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,160
{\an2}It's just this new WhatsApp group.
Yeah.
37
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,200
{\an2}I love WhatsApp. Do you?
38
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,800
{\an2}Just the groups, and anyway... OK.
39
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,760
{\an2}Yes, no, I'm looking...
looking forward to the show.
40
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,600
{\an2}Let's have a look at your
WhatsApp group.
41
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,680
{\an2}Really? Yeah. It's sort of priv....
It's sort of me and my friends.
42
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,240
{\an2}Yeah. Let me see.
43
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:57,280
{\an2}My actual friends.
44
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:01,520
{\an2}"The Little Ones."
45
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:04,840
{\an2}It's the name of the group, yeah.
46
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,640
{\an2}Yeah. Who's in it?
Lil Nas is in it, is he? Yeah.
47
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,520
{\an2}What's he say? "Hey, guys."
48
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,960
{\an2}Yeah. "You free Wednesday?
Got some little plans."
49
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,240
{\an2}He's so funny. So funny.
50
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,080
{\an2}You say, "Nah, man, not Wednesday,
51
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,960
{\an2}"swimming lesson. You know this."
52
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,040
{\an2}Hmm, should do.
53
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,800
{\an2}And Lil Nas says, "Lil Wayne,
you around next Wednesday?"
54
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,080
{\an2}"Like I say, I've got some
little plans."
55
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,080
{\an2}Lil Wayne says,
"Also not free Wednesday,
56
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,640
{\an2}"I've got my climbing lesson."
Climbing, always Wednesday.
57
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,440
{\an2}"I thought you knew that,
Lil Nas." Yeah.
58
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:37,960
{\an2}And lots of exclamation marks.
59
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,640
{\an2}And then, in comes Richard
Littlejohn.
60
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,320
{\an2}He says, "Hi, guys,
love the banter as always." Yeah.
61
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:51,520
{\an2}"I'm now free on Wednesday
as my javelin practice..."
62
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,320
{\an2}"..my javelin practice..." It moved.
63
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,720
{\an2}"..has been moved to Sunday
mornings. 8am, WTF."
64
00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,680
{\an2}Yeah, so early.
Isn't that early for javelin?
65
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,640
{\an2}Yeah. Yeah.
66
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,960
{\an2}I've messaged him back for you.
What did you say?
67
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:08,120
{\an2}Oh.
68
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,080
{\an2}I don't think they've ever
heard me using that word before.
69
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,400
{\an2}OK, that's a shame, that's a shame.
70
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,280
{\an2}Right, on with the prize task.
71
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,480
{\an2}Yes. And you'll like
this one, Greg, because
72
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,080
{\an2}they've been asked
to bring in
73
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,400
{\an2}the bit of old crap that Greg likes
the best.
74
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,080
{\an2}Wow, you are getting lazy.
75
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,480
{\an2}We all know Greg likes old crap
76
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,880
{\an2}but what old crap does
Greg like best?
77
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,720
{\an2}Best old crap equals five points
78
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,360
{\an2}and the winner today will take home
five bits of old crap. Crappy days.
79
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,960
{\an2}OK, Julian, what bit of crap
have you brought in?
80
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:42,480
{\an2}Oh, you're gonna love this. It's a
ceramic soldier from a junk shop.
81
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,760
{\an2}Here we go.
It's a gentleman at arms.
82
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,520
{\an2}I bought it to annoy my husband cos
I thought he'd hate it.
83
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,320
{\an2}But, actually, we've grown
to love him.
84
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:51,720
{\an2}We call him Bernard.
85
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,720
{\an2}And he's everything you'd want in
a soldier.
86
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:58,280
{\an2}He's well-presented,
he's very, very smart
87
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,800
{\an2}and probably available
for no-strings fun round
88
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,320
{\an2}the back of the barracks.
You get that vibe.
89
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,320
{\an2}He's got that look in his eye,
hasn't he? Yeah, I see that.
90
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,800
{\an2}Why does it have to be no-strings?
91
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,200
{\an2}That's how we like it.
92
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,440
{\an2}I wonder where that tradition
came from
93
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,760
{\an2}of soldiers having big feathers
on their head. Any idea?
94
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,280
{\an2}Yeah, yeah, I know. OK.
95
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,000
{\an2}Lucy, can you beat a ceramic soldier?
96
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,840
{\an2}This is a mouse dropping.
97
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,720
{\an2}Oh.
Basically, where my mum lived,
98
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:34,480
{\an2}when she was growing up, she lived
next door to,
99
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,880
{\an2}uh, an old couple
and they couldn't have children.
100
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,120
{\an2}So, the husband, he bought
a monkey off a sailor.
101
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,720
{\an2}Um, but the monkey bit her nose off.
102
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,400
{\an2}And I was never allowed pets.
103
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,240
{\an2}But my mum did eventually
get me a hamster.
104
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:56,200
{\an2}And one night, it ran across
the settee, and so,
105
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,880
{\an2}because it scared her,
she whacked it and killed it.
106
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:04,520
{\an2}But because of that, my mum's now
got mice in her pantry.
107
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,880
{\an2}And instead of getting rid of 'em,
she's keeping 'em like pets.
108
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,800
{\an2}And that's their dropping.
109
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:13,480
{\an2}So, the feathers are just
110
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,640
{\an2}a symbol of their collective
identity, that's all it...
111
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:20,160
{\an2}I just feel like I have...I've done
what you've asked me to do.
112
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,280
{\an2}You haven't done...
You've just given me
113
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,880
{\an2}an awful insight into
your upbringing.
114
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,920
{\an2}And then, you've brought me
a plate full of shit,
115
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,400
{\an2}that's what you've done.
116
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,160
{\an2}Um, Sam, what have you brought?
117
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,960
{\an2}It's my National Insurance number.
118
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,440
{\an2}I had to get a National Insurance
number. Yeah, we all have to.
119
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,600
{\an2}They rang me up. They said,
"How do you want it?
120
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,440
{\an2}"It gets sent in
a letter or just email
121
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,720
{\an2}"or you can get it on a cassette."
122
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,960
{\an2}A cassette? Yeah.
123
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,600
{\an2}It's for blind people so they
can hear the number instead. Oh.
124
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,200
{\an2}Oh. Yeah, there's the prize.
125
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,280
{\an2}Wow.
126
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,480
{\an2}And this is what his
National Insurance number is.
127
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:58,440
{\an2}COMPUTER VOICE: From the Department
for Work and Pensions your reference.
128
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,720
{\an2}BLEEP, one, BLEEP, six,
BLEEP, BLEEP.
129
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,320
{\an2}Pretty good.
130
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,200
{\an2}I sort of do want it.
131
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,760
{\an2}Cos you have trouble with sleeping.
132
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,960
{\an2}I do have trouble with
sleeping, yeah. Chuck that on.
133
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,000
{\an2}Chuck that on.
134
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,040
{\an2}Hi, Sue. Hi, you.
135
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:20,160
{\an2}Can you beat a plateful of shit,
a taped security number, a soldier?
136
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:21,240
{\an2}I've brought this in.
137
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:26,400
{\an2}Atomic Energy Badge
for Boy Scouts in 1960s America.
138
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:27,440
{\an2}To get this badge, uh,
139
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:31,040
{\an2}as a Boy Scout, you had to build
an electroscope,
140
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,320
{\an2}build a Geiger counter,
141
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:35,840
{\an2}go to a place underground
with radiation
142
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,080
{\an2}and record the measurements.
143
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,800
{\an2}That's genuinely fascinating.
Yeah.
144
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,600
{\an2}And I've gotta say,
145
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,160
{\an2}I think it might have the edge over
a plate full of shit.
146
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,400
{\an2}Hello, Susan.
147
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,960
{\an2}Um, the thing that I've brought in
is my childhood pet.
148
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,880
{\an2}So, here is Susan's bit of old crap.
149
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,600
{\an2}Yeah.
150
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,000
{\an2}I really wanted a dog.
151
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,840
{\an2}But my mum, she's Nigerian,
152
00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,320
{\an2}so she doesn't really understand
the concept of bringing
153
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:03,400
{\an2}a wild, hostile animal like
a puppy into your home.
154
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,520
{\an2}Just doesn't translate.
155
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,480
{\an2}So one day, I was
with my childhood friend Aurora.
156
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:09,960
{\an2}She's very arts-and-crafty.
157
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,800
{\an2}She calls her parents by their
first name.
158
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,560
{\an2}Urgh. Really weird, really weird.
159
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,080
{\an2}Pull yourself together, Aurora.
160
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,440
{\an2}And so, we decided to walk along,
uh,
161
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,480
{\an2}the Walworth Road
162
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:21,840
{\an2}and each find
163
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:26,280
{\an2}a leaf which we then covered in
sticky back plastic and,
164
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,440
{\an2}I decided to name my childhood pet
Le Fleur
165
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,280
{\an2}and that is a true story
and I feel a bit sick.
166
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,800
{\an2}I'm not surprised. It's genuinely
heartbreaking that someone...
167
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,640
{\an2}But it's a beloved. ..would
have a pet that is a laminated leaf.
168
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,720
{\an2}Yes.
169
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,440
{\an2}Not easy for you this, Greg.
170
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:43,840
{\an2}I mean, it's not that hard.
171
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,400
{\an2}It'll come as little surprise that
the thing I want to take home least
172
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,600
{\an2}is a big pile of mouse shit.
One point to Lucy.
173
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,560
{\an2}One point. OK. What do you think I
want to take home least the next?
174
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,200
{\an2}I think it's the National Insurance
number of an Australian comedian.
175
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,240
{\an2}It isn't.
176
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,400
{\an2}Oh. It's a laminated leaf.
177
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,080
{\an2}Two points to Susan, then, is it?
Yeah. OK.
178
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,040
{\an2}I sort of want that soldier. Wait,
wait, is this getting three points?
179
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:12,040
{\an2}Yeah. I can't explain why I want
Sam's tape.
180
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,120
{\an2}I almost want it the most.
181
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,080
{\an2}But not quite. I want
the atomic badge the most
182
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,320
{\an2}so I'm gonna give four points
to Sam's weird tape
183
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,200
{\an2}and five points to the atomic badge.
184
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,760
{\an2}There we go. Well done, Sue Perkins.
Wins the task.
185
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:27,240
{\an2}OK, let's get going.
186
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,320
{\an2}Stop.
187
00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:30,360
{\an2}Go.
188
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,200
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
189
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,880
{\an2}And stop.
190
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,560
{\an2}This is already majestic.
191
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,160
{\an2}Standard sweeper.
192
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,960
{\an2}I haven't got a driver's licence.
193
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,320
{\an2}Do you have a driver's licence?
194
00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,920
{\an2}I do, it took a while to get.
195
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,520
{\an2}I can't drive. I'm a Londoner.
196
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,520
{\an2}We don't drive.
You just get on the bus
197
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,880
{\an2}or the DLR and go
boop-boop at the front.
198
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:10,520
{\an2}Can you drive, Sam?
I can drive people crazy.
199
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,080
{\an2}Do you have a licence?
I not only have a licence, Alex,
200
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,680
{\an2}I am a member of
the Advanced Motorists association.
201
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,240
{\an2}So, stick that in your pipe.
202
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,440
{\an2}Drive, that's good, the first word.
203
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,640
{\an2}Drive across the finish line.
204
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,720
{\an2}You must obey all the rules of
the road
205
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,880
{\an2}and must only stop your vehicle at
a traffic signal.
206
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:35,600
{\an2}If you disobey a rule,
207
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,800
{\an2}Alex will blow his whistle
208
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,840
{\an2}and you must return to the start.
209
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,280
{\an2}Back here? Back here.
210
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,240
{\an2}For a ten-second driving lesson.
211
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,160
{\an2}Fastest wins.
212
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:49,880
{\an2}Your time starts when
the traffic signals first change.
213
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,600
{\an2}So I'm gonna teach you about
this vehicle.
214
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:52,640
{\an2}Right.
215
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,520
{\an2}This is the horn.Alex...
BEEPS HORN
216
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,400
{\an2}Sorry. It's all right.
217
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,560
{\an2}No, no, but not yet,
not, not yet. Yeah,
218
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,520
{\an2}the lesson hasn't quite finished
or started.
219
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,080
{\an2}It goes up to ten miles an hour.
220
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,960
{\an2}Oh, I'm gonna push this bitch.
221
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,600
{\an2}But why are you gonna push it?
222
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,280
{\an2}I'm not entirely clear about
these signals. No.
223
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,920
{\an2}I'm assuming red means stop.
No.
224
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,440
{\an2}It doesn't?
No.
225
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,880
{\an2}You start when
the traffic signals change. OK.
226
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,720
{\an2}There were things that surprised me
about the intro,
227
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,560
{\an2}"I'm gonna push this bitch."
228
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,960
{\an2}That's the reason it took 14 years
to get the licence.
229
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:39,040
{\an2}Um, Julian, you're an
Advanced driver?
230
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,360
{\an2}Well, my father was
a traffic policeman,
231
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,600
{\an2}so he knew about this organisation.
232
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:47,920
{\an2}They teach you how
to drive extra safely
233
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,880
{\an2}and you get a sticker
to put in your car.
234
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,120
{\an2}But can you also do doughnuts in
a car park and stuff?
235
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,560
{\an2}Ha, I have been known.
236
00:10:58,160 --> 00:10:59,880
{\an2}Um, things that didn't surprise me -
237
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,840
{\an2}Sam and Lucy can't drive
238
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,880
{\an2}and RADA sits on the front of trains
239
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,240
{\an2}and pretends she's the driver.
240
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,320
{\an2}I'm happy to see their attempts.
241
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,160
{\an2}So, neither of these two have
a licence
242
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,160
{\an2}and neither of them should ever
have a licence.
243
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,000
{\an2}It's Lucy and it is also Sam.
Here we go.
244
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,280
{\an2}You can start when
the traffic signals change.
245
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:18,320
{\an2}Right.
246
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,840
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
What's up?
247
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,080
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
Please come back
248
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:33,120
{\an2}for a driving lesson.
249
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:37,560
{\an2}Oh.
250
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,280
{\an2}Hello, Sam. How are you? Welcome to
your first driving lesson.
251
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:48,960
{\an2}Hello, Lucy. Sorry.
252
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,920
{\an2}You clearly didn't obey
the amber signal there.
253
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,080
{\an2}I didn't know what it means.
254
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,080
{\an2}Well, amber means
to activate your brushes.
255
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:55,240
{\an2}What does red mean?
256
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,600
{\an2}You've got two seconds left.
Red means go. Off you go.
257
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,240
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
258
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,080
{\an2}You did very well with
the brushes that time, but then,
259
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,000
{\an2}you hit the purple one and,
of course, at purple
260
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,360
{\an2}you must get out of your vehicle,
261
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,560
{\an2}walk round it and get back in it
and carry on.
262
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:19,680
{\an2}Yeah. Right, OK.
263
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,680
{\an2}What's green mean? Green, wait
for three seconds. Off you go.
264
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,400
{\an2}Red is go, go, go, go go.
265
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,600
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
266
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,240
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
Blue means you have to come back
267
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,280
{\an2}to the previous signal
268
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,800
{\an2}and then carry on. Oh, yeah, yeah.
269
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,800
{\an2}What's yellow? Yellow means you've
gotta beep your horn and carry on.
270
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,000
{\an2}We're getting there. Yeah.
271
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,680
{\an2}Oh, bye-bye.
272
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,800
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
What the hell?
273
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,600
{\an2}You failed to activate
your brushes.
274
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,240
{\an1}WHISTLING
275
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,480
{\an2}Orange means go?
276
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,520
{\an2}No.
277
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:51,560
{\an2}Ah!
278
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,000
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
Shall I come back on foot?
279
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,040
{\an2}If you want.
280
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:56,680
{\an2}Hello, Lucy.
281
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,480
{\an2}Turn them on. Purple is spin.
282
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,640
{\an2}Obviously, I would be able
to do it if I had that with me.
283
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,480
{\an2}You want my piece of paper? Yeah.
284
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,160
{\an2}Lovely.
285
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,160
{\an2}Very good.
286
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:15,400
{\an1}BEEPING
287
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:26,680
{\an2}I've stopped the clock!
288
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,960
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
What?
289
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,680
{\an2}You're not allowed to stop unless
you're next to a traffic signal.
290
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,760
{\an2}Can you come back for
a driving lesson, please?
291
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,960
{\an2}What the hell? That was good!
WHISTLE BLOWS
292
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,520
{\an2}Oh. What happens if this goes
forever?
293
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,160
{\an2}Don't you have other things
to film?
294
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:58,560
{\an2}Thank you, Sam.
295
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,200
{\an2}You should be ashamed.
You should be ashamed.
296
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:03,680
{\an2}You should be ashamed.
297
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,000
{\an2}Well, firstly, you enjoyed your
flashing blue hat
298
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,720
{\an2}and your authority too much,
didn't you?
299
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,920
{\an2}I enjoyed it a lot. You did.
300
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,480
{\an2}Blowing his little whistle.
301
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,400
{\an2}What a knob! Now, Lucy,
302
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,440
{\an2}and I say this only in driving terms,
303
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,400
{\an2}I think there's something wrong
with you.
304
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,240
{\an2}That's what the instructor said.
305
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:29,520
{\an2}Sam, you seemed very annoyed when you
were called back at one point.
306
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,120
{\an2}Yes, I think I know
the bit you mean. It's this bit.
307
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,160
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
308
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,400
{\an2}He kept whistling and the
authority figure, his hat...
309
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,440
{\an2}Yeah, he loves...
..was pissing me off, man.
310
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,160
{\an2}Yeah. And he was smirking
and he was nasty.
311
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,240
{\an2}He's a spiteful little shit,
isn't he?
312
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,640
{\an2}"Oh, hoo-hoo, they're not doing my
task right."
313
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,880
{\an2}He took 26 minutes and 22 seconds.
314
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:54,960
{\an2}Is that good?
315
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,000
{\an2}No...
316
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,240
{\an2}Lucy, 24 minutes and 30 seconds
so they're similar times
317
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:01,800
{\an2}but Lucy's in the lead at
the moment.
318
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:02,920
{\an2}Well done, Lucy.
319
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:06,360
{\an2}Advert time,
320
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,200
{\an2}and it's a real opportunity
to practise mindfulness.
321
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,000
{\an2}Close your eyes and breathe.
322
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,200
{\an2}Then make a list of all
the things you haven't done.
323
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,840
{\an2}Jesus, you're behind, get up, panic,
324
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,920
{\an2}no-one thinks you're up to the job.
Argh!
325
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,560
{\an2}Hello, hello again. Welcome
326
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,880
{\an2}to part two of Taskmaster where our
comedians are learning
327
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,960
{\an2}the Taskmaster rules of the road.
328
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,640
{\an2}Yes, Greg. It's our way
or the Highway...Code.
329
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,960
{\an2}We've seen Sam and Lucy.
Now for Sue Perkins
330
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,680
{\an2}and our resident Advanced Motorist
Mr Julian Clary.
331
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:46,800
{\an2}Off we go.
332
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,520
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
Sorry, Julian,
333
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,480
{\an2}would you mind coming
back for a driving lesson?
334
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,280
{\an2}Hello, Julian.
335
00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,960
{\an2}Hello, did I do something wrong?
336
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,320
{\an2}So you failed to obey
337
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,880
{\an2}the amber signal which is,
of course, activate brushes.
338
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,200
{\an2}And red means?
Go.
339
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,680
{\an2}Blue. Blue means return to
the previous signal
340
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,840
{\an2}and obey that signal, as well. OK.
341
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,600
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
I'm returning. Yeah, I knew it.
342
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,160
{\an2}Do you have a pen?
343
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,320
{\an2}Father taught me to drive.
Did he?
344
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,120
{\an2}I passed on my 17th birthday.
345
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,200
{\an2}Oh.
Happy days.
346
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:24,280
{\an2}Happy birthday. I, um...
347
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,880
{\an2}Well, enough about you.
Yeah, OK.
348
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,200
{\an2}Red means go.
349
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,840
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, dear.
350
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,240
{\an2}I can't read my own hands.
351
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,280
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, don't.
352
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:39,920
{\an2}So annoying!
353
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,040
{\an2}Bye-bye.
Bye.
354
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,280
{\an2}Activate brushes.
355
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:50,560
{\an2}All right so far?
356
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,200
{\an2}Really nice. Really nice.
357
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,880
{\an1}BEEPING
358
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,000
{\an1}BEEPING
359
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,640
{\an2}I don't want it to end!
360
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,040
{\an2}Don't take hands off.
361
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,280
{\an2}I've stopped the clock!
362
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:17,920
{\an2}What was yellow?
363
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,640
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
Ten-second driving lesson, please.
364
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,080
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
365
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:30,720
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWING
366
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,000
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
367
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,560
{\an2}I'm not sure, in the history of
this show, we've ever had such
368
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:44,240
{\an2}a chillingly calm meltdown.
369
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,240
{\an2}Well, I...I just smelt freedom.
370
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:52,960
{\an2}It was like a light bulb filament
burnt out and then, "Nah, I'm out."
371
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,600
{\an2}It's not for me. I mean...
372
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,160
{\an2}All that blowing and I don't
know how long I was there for,
373
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,480
{\an2}but it was a long time.
374
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,760
{\an2}Well, it wasn't that long.
375
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,000
{\an2}13 minutes.
376
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,320
{\an2}You've got a shorter fuse than you
thought, Julian.
377
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,280
{\an2}Well, he was the only one there
to talk to.
378
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,960
{\an2}Oh, God. Awful. Um,
379
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,240
{\an2}so Julian gets no points,
380
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,360
{\an2}but, you know, what
a glorious crash-and-burn.
381
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,880
{\an2}Oh, it was all worth it.
382
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,880
{\an2}Sue, I've just realised, whatever
we've asked you to do
383
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,200
{\an2}for this whole series,
you look like it's your job.
384
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,920
{\an2}I'm really biddable, that's
the thing.
385
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,760
{\an2}I'm told to do something I go,
"Absolutely," and then, I'm just it.
386
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,640
{\an2}You really did push that bitch.
387
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:30,880
{\an2}I know!
388
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,440
{\an2}She was an exhausted bitch by
the time we finished.
389
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,520
{\an2}She pushed the bitch
390
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,600
{\an2}for a total of 11 minutes and 43
seconds.
391
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,800
{\an2}AUDIENCE OOHS
Whoa.
392
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,120
{\an2}Who's next?
393
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,960
{\an2}Here is Susan on the sweeper.
394
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,520
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
What do, what do, what do I do?
395
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,360
{\an2}Please come back for
a driving lesson.
396
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:57,840
{\an2}Oh, my God! All right. Ooh.
397
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,240
{\an1}SHE SCREAMS
398
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:02,880
{\an2}Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
399
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,320
{\an2}Need to press. Ah! Stop!
400
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,440
{\an2}Wait, wait, wait, hang on.
Wait, wait, I've got it.
401
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,000
{\an2}Everyone, calm down.
402
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,520
{\an2}Good. Stop, stop, stop, stop!
403
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,080
{\an2}I'm sorry, I nearly killed you.
I'm so sorry.
404
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:23,240
{\an2}Why does it keep doing that?
Why does it do that? Stop, uh...
405
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,680
{\an1}SUSAN SIGHS
406
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,040
{\an2}Welcome to your first
driving lesson.
407
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,360
{\an2}Uh, unfortunately, you didn't obey
the amber signal.
408
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,640
{\an2}Amber, of course, means you have
to activate your brushes.
409
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:39,680
{\an2}Bye.
410
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,480
{\an2}Please come back for
a driving lesson. What? No, no way!
411
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,200
{\an2}Well, I need to tell you what
blue does.
412
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,880
{\an2}Blue means wait. Blue means... Wait.
413
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,280
{\an2}..come back to the previous set of
signals. Off you go.
414
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,000
{\an2}What does yellow mean, now?
415
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,760
{\an2}It means you have to come back
for a driving lesson.
416
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:01,800
{\an2}Careful.
417
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,880
{\an2}Yellow is beep the horn
and carry on.
418
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,280
{\an2}Right, bye. Bye-bye.
419
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,240
{\an2}And do I keep them off?
420
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,520
{\an1}BEEPING
421
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,280
{\an1}BEEPING
422
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,320
{\an2}BEEPING
I've already got it on
423
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,640
{\an2}so I just carry on...I'm going.
424
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,120
{\an2}I'm bloody going.
425
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,360
{\an2}You can't stop me!
426
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:29,760
{\an2}You can't stop me!
427
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,880
{\an2}Da-da-da-da-da.
428
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:34,920
{\an2}We got there.
429
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,640
{\an2}Well, here's some things that
430
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,680
{\an2}I never thought would be said
out loud.
431
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,520
{\an2}You're a worse driver than
Lucy Beaumont.
432
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,120
{\an2}Well, I don't have
a driver's licence and... No way.
433
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,720
{\an2}No, no, no.
434
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,640
{\an2}I had so much fun.
435
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,040
{\an2}Oh, good. Yeah.
436
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:56,280
{\an2}Especially when I nearly killed
someone.
437
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,280
{\an2}Didn't I hit that thing twice?
Twice.
438
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,880
{\an2}The thing with the man behind?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
439
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,120
{\an2}She did fulfil the task.
She passed. She learnt,
440
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,360
{\an2}she learnt really quickly.
441
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:05,800
{\an2}So, at first you were turning left,
442
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,640
{\an2}but not understanding why it
went left.
443
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,360
{\an2}But you managed to time it better
than anyone else with the flags.
444
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,800
{\an2}Thanks. So you did it in 13 minutes
50 seconds.
445
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,120
{\an2}Amazing. Oh, God, that's...
Oh, what? Yeah.
446
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,400
{\an2}It's amazing.
447
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,920
{\an2}But it means Sam gets two points,
three for Lucy,
448
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,760
{\an2}four for Susan, but Sue Perkins gets
five points. There we are.
449
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,920
{\an2}And a score board, please.
Maximum points at the moment goes
450
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,560
{\an2}to Sue Perkins in the lead
with ten.
451
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:37,040
{\an2}Well done, Sue. May we have another
task, please, Alex?
452
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,840
{\an2}Yes, and it's another one that
really is just for you, Greg.
453
00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,480
{\an2}Hello. Oh, hi, Susan.
454
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:00,520
{\an2}Oh, hi.
455
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,320
{\an2}Hi, Sam. Oh, there's something
in your pigeon hole.
456
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,560
{\an2}That's proper 50.
457
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,440
{\an2}Coin fever, hey!
458
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,680
{\an2}"Make Greg the best gift."
459
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,280
{\an2}"You have five minutes
to order your items."
460
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,560
{\an2}"Then 15 minutes to make your gift."
461
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,040
{\an2}"Your items must cost no
more than £50."
462
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:30,400
{\an2}I will need that money.
463
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,400
{\an2}So, I've got to pick these up like
an animal?
464
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,200
{\an2}OK, your time starts now.
465
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:36,560
{\an2}Right, OK.
466
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,960
{\an2}Have you thought
of anything you want me to buy yet?
467
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,280
{\an2}Yeah. OK.
468
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,520
{\an2}Shall I tell you? Yes, please.
Oh, right.
469
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,320
{\an2}Can you get me a box?
470
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:53,680
{\an2}Corrugated cardboard.
471
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,600
{\an2}Something furry, fluffy.
472
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:56,640
{\an2}A blanket.
473
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:00,800
{\an2}What colour?
474
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:01,840
{\an2}Brown.
475
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,320
{\an2}And if there's any Mr Sheen spray
476
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,480
{\an2}and a duster if you can afford that,
as well.
477
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:09,680
{\an2}I'd like a hairdryer.
478
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:10,960
{\an2}Nothing with nuts.
479
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,000
{\an2}The craziest straws that you can
see.
480
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,520
{\an2}So, that's up to about £8 now, do
you think?
481
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,080
{\an2}You've got 30 seconds and
probably about £2 left to spend.
482
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,960
{\an2}Let's put some little sweets in.
Hmm.
483
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,480
{\an2}Or maybe he's a cris... I think he
might be a crisp man.
484
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,200
{\an2}Ferrero Rocher.
485
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,800
{\an2}You're going to spoil him.
486
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,920
{\an2}Cheap crisps. Cheap crisps. Cos then,
we can have a few. He'll like that.
487
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,480
{\an2}WHISTLE BLOWS
OK. Here you are.
488
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,360
{\an2}Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm going to the shop.
489
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,280
{\an2}Whatever's left over, just buy
yourself something. Right.
490
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:39,760
{\an2}All right.
491
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,600
{\an2}You've got 15 minutes to
create your gift for Greg Davies.
492
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:43,640
{\an2}Fabulous.
493
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:49,760
{\an2}Um, is it appropriate
to call him "sir"? Definitely.
494
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,800
{\an2}It sort of looks like
you know what you're doing.
495
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:53,840
{\an2}I don't.
496
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,600
{\an2}Wear this one. Yeah. And then,
I'd like you to come out naked.
497
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:57,640
{\an2}Look at that.
498
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,960
{\an2}Is that snow? Yeah.
499
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,080
{\an2}I'm sorry I started this now.
Yeah.
500
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:04,880
{\an2}And you've finished, have you?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm done now.
501
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,600
{\an2}This is really good, by the way.
502
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,520
{\an2}You want me to pass that on? Yeah.
503
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,480
{\an2}I've got a real feeling this is
gonna be quite...quite wonderful.
504
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,800
{\an2}You sort of set Sam up there a little
bit by giving him coins... Yeah.
505
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,280
{\an2}..while everyone else had a note.
506
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,640
{\an2}But I think we set him up
because we always know he's
507
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:21,920
{\an2}gonna say something amazing.
508
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,600
{\an2}And I just loved, "Coin fever, eh!"
509
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:28,880
{\an2}Why did you have an orange tie on?
510
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,960
{\an2}I was under instructions to spend
whatever money was left over,
511
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,320
{\an2}uh, on something for myself.
512
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,640
{\an2}I'm very excited by all of these
513
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:40,000
{\an2}and well done for the "sir" thing. It
puts me in mind of my teaching days.
514
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,520
{\an2}I thought it might.
515
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:42,640
{\an2}Advert time.
516
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:46,520
{\an2}A wise man once said, never
a borrower or a lender be.
517
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,040
{\an2}And did that guy have
an air fryer or a SodaStream?
518
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,320
{\an2}No, what a loser.
519
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:52,160
{\an2}Apply for a new credit
card immediately.
520
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,760
{\an2}The neighbours are talking about you!
521
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,600
{\an2}Bye.
522
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:07,960
{\an2}Hello.
523
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,680
{\an2}Welcome back to Taskmaster
where I've been
524
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,000
{\an2}a very patient boy, haven't I, Alex?
525
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,400
{\an2}Such a patient boy, Greg,
526
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,200
{\an2}but the waiting is about
to pay off. Are you ready?
527
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,560
{\an2}Yes! Let's go and get
your presents. Come on.
528
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:27,560
{\an2}Happy birthday, Greg.
529
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:28,600
{\an2}Present time.
530
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,760
{\an2}Yes, let's start this end.
531
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,800
{\an2}This one is from Mr Julian Clary.
532
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:34,000
{\an2}You remember the box he made.
533
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,120
{\an2}Yes. Enjoy.
534
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,320
{\an2}Ah, that is a lovely box
535
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,720
{\an2}with pink spots on it.
So lovely, Julian.
536
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,280
{\an2}This could change your life.
537
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:44,920
{\an2}Oh...
538
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,160
{\an2}Oh, God.
539
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:53,040
{\an2}Oh, God, that is...
540
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,160
{\an2}There's more. Oh.
541
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,800
{\an2}What's that, polish?
542
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:01,280
{\an2}Oh. Julian's written "Have fun!"
in the bottom.
543
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:06,680
{\an2}This is what? The shorts. Oh, God...
544
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,800
{\an2}I mean, you know, it's getting to
the time
545
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,240
{\an2}where I should consider retiring,
546
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,800
{\an2}so why don't I go out with
a bang and put this on.
547
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,760
{\an2}Thank you for my...
548
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,840
{\an2}..gimp costume?
549
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:21,920
{\an2}OK, second present.
This is from Susan Wokoma.
550
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:25,840
{\an2}Oh, I like that. Home-made.
551
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,520
{\an2}Oh, that is nice.
552
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,720
{\an2}I-I think you should put it on.
553
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,680
{\an2}Pop that on. Get that on you.
554
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,200
{\an2}A more cynical man would say that
this was just
555
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,840
{\an2}some crudely cut
pieces of material... No.
556
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,600
{\an2}..that have been glued onto a fur
coat.
557
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,440
{\an2}No, no, you'd be mistaken.
558
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,800
{\an2}If you wanna go up to the fr...
Oh, look at that!
559
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,280
{\an2}Give us a spin!
AUDIENCE CHEERS
560
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,720
{\an1}WHISTLING, APPLAUSE
561
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:50,720
{\an2}Pop these on.
562
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,160
{\an2}Yeah! Yeah!
563
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,840
{\an2}There we are. Yeah.
564
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,440
{\an2}Oh. They're nice presents so far,
aren't they?
565
00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,560
{\an2}Honestly, they do feel quite nice.
566
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,000
{\an2}Lucy Beaumont's...den.
567
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,280
{\an2}Ah.
568
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,680
{\an2}That's quite clever though
because I do like a den.
569
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,320
{\an2}Well, you can hide in there
waiting for your victims.
570
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,560
{\an2}There's a trail of crisps,
you know, where someone might go,
571
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,800
{\an2}"Oh, crisps!" and then,
they'll come in the den,
572
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:19,080
{\an2}and then, you can get them.
573
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,320
{\an2}Can you fit in there OK?
574
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,360
{\an1}GREG SIGHS
575
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:29,280
{\an2}Let's see, shall we?
576
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,320
{\an2}Oh, you're going in backwards.
Yes.
577
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,320
{\an2}You like the present, Greg?
578
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:38,720
{\an2}MUFFLED: No.
579
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,560
{\an2}Bit more delicate, this one.
This is, uh,
580
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:46,160
{\an2}from Sam Campbell. All for you.
581
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:48,880
{\an2}Oh.
582
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,520
{\an2}What is at the bottom of
the bucket, there's snow?
583
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:55,800
{\an2}I mean, I have to say, this is
Sam's actual credit card.
584
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,520
{\an2}So, that's incredible.
Yeah, it's a gentleman's basket.
585
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,040
{\an2}Oh, what I was thinking?
586
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,120
{\an2}Well, I thought, when I saw you,
you're so stylish.
587
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,600
{\an2}I didn't know you were gonna start
dressing Fagin at a disco.
588
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:11,680
{\an2}Last one.
589
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,120
{\an2}And now, you can enjoy
a lovely bit of art.
590
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:17,720
{\an2}Oh, wow.
Is that you? That's you?
591
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:19,160
{\an2}Yeah, we did that in the garden.
592
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:21,840
{\an2}There's a version on the back
where the artist's in the frame.
593
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,600
{\an2}I just wanted you to see Alex
in a more aesthetic,
594
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,040
{\an2}romantic -
perhaps, even sexual - way.
595
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,560
{\an2}Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful.
596
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:34,800
{\an2}Which is your least favourite
gift, Greg?
597
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:37,360
{\an2}I don't wanna give any
of them one point. Right.
598
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:38,560
{\an2}I'm gonna give, uh,
599
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:40,640
{\an2}two points to Sam's
gentleman's basket.
600
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,360
{\an2}Ah. Because I think, well,
it's insane.
601
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:44,400
{\an2}Lovely stuff.
602
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,240
{\an2}And I think I'm gonna give,
three points
603
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,520
{\an2}to Susan's coat. Do you know why?
604
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:51,640
{\an2}I can imagine.
605
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,400
{\an2}It's rubbish.
606
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:54,640
{\an2}Three to Susan.
607
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,240
{\an2}I'm gonna give four points
to Lucy's crisp den.
608
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:02,280
{\an2}And I'm gonna give four points also
to Julian's, uh, rubber outfit
609
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:05,720
{\an2}because it's just something
I've never considered before.
610
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:06,960
{\an2}And I'm gonna give five points
611
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:10,760
{\an2}to this beautiful painting of
my favourite man in the world. Oh.
612
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:12,760
{\an2}Well, there we go. Sue Perkins
wins the task!
613
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:15,000
{\an2}Let's go back down.
614
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:20,520
{\an2}Shall we try for another?
Hmm, yes, please.
615
00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,560
{\an2}OK, Greg, here is some
more clowning about.
616
00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,640
{\an2}Hello.
Hello, there.
617
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,760
{\an2}Ah. That's a creepy clown.
618
00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:50,520
{\an2}Don't go any closer to
the clown that's...
619
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:52,480
{\an2}I don't want to. It's a clown.
Good.
620
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:53,680
{\an2}OK, here we go.
621
00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:57,200
{\an2}"Feed the clown the most cards."
622
00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:00,040
{\an2}"No part of you must cross
the threshold of the stage."
623
00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:04,960
{\an2}This is the stage.
Don't go any closer than that.
624
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,400
{\an2}No, uh, no... Exactly.
Even if a hair goes over it.
625
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,880
{\an2}"You have ten minutes,
your time starts now."
626
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:15,040
{\an2}Pretty straightforward.
627
00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:17,360
{\an2}Get the cards into the clown's mouth.
Mm-hm.
628
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,560
{\an2}Do not cross the threshold
629
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:21,360
{\an2}and I will be ruthless on this.
630
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:24,040
{\an2}I think we should just get on
with it. OK, well, let's begin,
631
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,880
{\an2}as we so often have,
with Lucy and Susan.
632
00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,840
{\an2}I'm gonna just try
and see what my aim's saying.
633
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:34,920
{\an2}Cool.
634
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:38,080
{\an2}Have you got a fishing rod
and a magnet?
635
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:39,240
{\an2}All I've got is a shed.
636
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,000
{\an2}I'll try it again just so that
we're all aware that this is not
637
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:43,320
{\an2}how we're gonna do this.
638
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,040
{\an2}Useless.
639
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:48,400
{\an2}Hello, Lucy. Hiya.
640
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:49,440
{\an2}You got a plan?
641
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:50,760
{\an2}Yeah. Yeah.
642
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:54,800
{\an2}All right, so we've done that.
643
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:55,840
{\an2}Yeah, done that.
644
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:08,280
{\an2}That was about six.
645
00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:10,040
{\an2}Do you mind telling me your plan?
646
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,400
{\an2}I want to see if you'll, um,
if you'll sit on there.
647
00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:14,760
{\an2}I don't mind sitting on a sledge.
648
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:16,840
{\an2}I can't cross the threshold.
649
00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:22,600
{\an2}Can you cross the threshold?
650
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,560
{\an2}Yeah, I can do what I want. Can you
get me all the cards, please?
651
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:27,720
{\an2}No, thank you... No, thank you.
What?!
652
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:28,960
{\an2}I don't really like clowns.
653
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,320
{\an2}No, nobody does, do they?
654
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,240
{\an2}I'm just gonna give you this card.
655
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:36,200
{\an2}You might need to just shuffle
forward a bit.
656
00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:38,760
{\an2}Uh, I won't be putting them in
the clown's mouth.
657
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:40,200
{\an2}You won't be? I don't think so.
658
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:43,600
{\an2}Right, hmm.
659
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,000
{\an2}May I go in the shed, please?
Thanks.
660
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:49,880
{\an2}Ah.
661
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:51,800
{\an2}I mean, there's nothing in here.
662
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:53,880
{\an2}Well, no, that's cos that's not
the shed.
663
00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:57,360
{\an2}Why am I sitting on a sledge?
I don't know,
664
00:31:57,400 --> 00:31:59,760
{\an2}I was gonna push you if you needed
me to.
665
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:00,880
{\an2}OK.
666
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:03,680
{\an2}No.
667
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,120
{\an2}You were fine, just... Was I?
668
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:06,760
{\an2}Ah, yeah. I'm over it.
669
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,160
{\an2}I've got a feeling this isn't
the best way,
670
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:14,000
{\an2}but I don't know... I've sort
of committed to it,
671
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:15,720
{\an2}I don't know any other way now.
672
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,080
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
673
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,120
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
674
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,920
{\an2}Well, there are SOME cards in
the clown's mouth.
675
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:34,960
{\an2}What's great about Taskmaster is
that people sometimes try a method,
676
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:37,560
{\an2}but then, they evolve as
the task goes on.
677
00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:39,320
{\an2}Not in Susan's case.
678
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:40,360
{\an2}No, no, no.
679
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:43,200
{\an2}It was just the throw the cards,
route one. Yeah.
680
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:45,120
{\an2}Throw the cards into the
clown's mouth. Yeah.
681
00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:47,080
{\an2}How many did you get in?
Uh, was it three?
682
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:48,120
{\an2}How many'd she get in?
683
00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:49,640
{\an2}Actually 12. Oh, was it 12?
684
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,320
{\an2}Wow. Yeah, 12 in the end. For, for
insanity, that's pretty good.
685
00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:55,400
{\an2}Well, that's a disappointing start.
686
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:58,160
{\an2}Well, you would've thought no-one
could be worse than that.
687
00:32:58,200 --> 00:32:59,920
{\an2}You would've thought.
688
00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:01,920
{\an2}Hello, Lucy.
Hi.
689
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:03,720
{\an2}Why were you wearing two hats?
690
00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:06,240
{\an2}I think just cos,
they were, they were in there.
691
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:09,160
{\an2}Yeah, pop 'em on. Fine perfect
answer. Is that all right?
692
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:12,760
{\an2}Probably the same reason that when
Susan failed, she maniacally laughed.
693
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,800
{\an2}Lucy, did you really think you could
use a leaf blower
694
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:18,960
{\an2}to blow that card into
the clown's mouth?
695
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,000
{\an2}Yeah. Yeah, she did.
696
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,600
{\an2}Cos when I blow leaves at home I
mean... Into a clown's mouth.
697
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:25,840
{\an2}Well, I mean they go...they go
really far. They go miles. Yeah.
698
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:29,800
{\an2}So, it's 12 and zero to beat.
699
00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:30,840
{\an2}Who's next?
700
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,120
{\an2}We're gonna see Sam Clownball
and Julian Clowny, fine?
701
00:33:34,160 --> 00:33:35,160
{\an2}Yes. Here we go.
702
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:44,880
{\an2}I've got an idea.
OK.
703
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,560
{\an2}I need some string, am I allowed
to go back into the house?
704
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:50,760
{\an2}Oh, all the information's on
the task, Sam.
705
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,920
{\an2}If I look in the shed might
I find some elastic bands?
706
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:56,040
{\an2}It's a really nice shed.
707
00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:59,160
{\an2}Do you come with me or not? Do I go
on my own? That's up to you.
708
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:00,560
{\an2}You come with me. Great!
709
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,120
{\an2}Is this your stage persona or is
this what you're like?
710
00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:07,320
{\an2}I don't know what you mean.
711
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,000
{\an2}OK.
712
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,040
{\an2}Why did you do that?
713
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:16,920
{\an2}Just to test my thrust.
714
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:17,960
{\an2}How was your thrust?
715
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:20,800
{\an2}Yeah.
716
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:22,800
{\an2}Have you done this before?
717
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:32,760
{\an2}Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
718
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:39,280
{\an2}What I want to do is just shove
the whole thing in. Oh, I see.
719
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:44,240
{\an2}Oh. Oh. No. Oh,
I could still get it now, then.
720
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,000
{\an2}That's in the clown.
721
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:58,120
{\an2}That's what you wanted.
722
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:00,440
{\an2}There's still one card not in.
723
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:03,600
{\an2}Um, have I got time to go
and get a broom or something?
724
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,040
{\an2}You've got two minutes.
725
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:06,800
{\an2}I'll go on my own this time.
726
00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:08,600
{\an2}OK. Thank you.
727
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:12,680
{\an2}How lucky did I get with that little
bit? The lip. Really lucky, Sam.
728
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,800
{\an2}Are you giving me some sort
of countdown?
729
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,600
{\an2}Do you want it to be dramatic?
730
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:23,000
{\an2}Well, let's see how dramatic
you are.
731
00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:24,600
{\an2}You've got 45 seconds left, Julian.
732
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:28,160
{\an2}Oh, now, I've done it.
733
00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:29,600
{\an2}Oh, well, I give up. I don't...
734
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:33,400
{\an2}Never mind about the last card.
735
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:42,480
{\an2}Thanks, Sam.
736
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,160
{\an2}That's the end of your time.
Thank you. Thank you.
737
00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:48,400
{\an2}It was nice to go to the shed with
you. You're not the first.
738
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:55,320
{\an2}Sam, my feeling was that probably
when you did that successful
739
00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:57,840
{\an2}power throw of the cards
that you ran off
740
00:35:57,880 --> 00:35:59,640
{\an2}and you just kept running for days.
741
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:03,160
{\an2}Um, incredible.
Must have been quite a rush.
742
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:05,240
{\an2}This woman came to my school.
743
00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:07,240
{\an2}She died, but she came back to life,
744
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,240
{\an2}and she came in to tell us about
it cos she said she saw God
745
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:13,000
{\an2}and he was a giant pink crystal.
And that's how that felt.
746
00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:19,080
{\an2}Cheers, Sam.
747
00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:20,840
{\an2}Julian, your system worked really
well.
748
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,000
{\an2}The only question I've got really
is why did you make
749
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,920
{\an2}the cards like two feet from
the top of the rod?
750
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:28,160
{\an2}Well, I think there was something
wrong with that rod.
751
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:31,560
{\an2}It wasn't quite as euphoric
an experience for me as...
752
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,520
{\an2}..as your brush with God.
753
00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:37,280
{\an2}To me, it was just
a packet of playing cards
754
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:39,000
{\an2}and a rusty old clown's mouth.
755
00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:44,960
{\an2}Yes. Yeah, it didn't make you think
of a rebirth and crystals, no?
756
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:46,200
{\an2}Not at any point.
757
00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:49,440
{\an2}No...no. So, Julian still had time
to get that last card.
758
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:52,480
{\an2}He didn't get it which meant
he got 51 in whereas Sam... Yeah.
759
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:54,840
{\an2}..got 52 cards in.
The full 52 cards.
760
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,680
{\an2}Wow. That one card was the
difference.
761
00:36:56,720 --> 00:36:58,880
{\an2}We've reached the end
of part three once more.
762
00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:01,360
{\an2}The prizes today include
a Sellotaped leaf,
763
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,000
{\an2}a cassette tape of
a National Insurance number
764
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,240
{\an2}and some mouse droppings,
765
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,680
{\an2}and yet, you will still watch.
766
00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:10,520
{\an2}You will still watch.
767
00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:26,200
{\an2}Hello. Welcome back
768
00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:28,840
{\an2}to the final part of
the show where there's
769
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,720
{\an2}a big old clown head that still
needs feeding.
770
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:33,560
{\an2}Oh, dear. Hungry, are you?
771
00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:41,240
{\an2}No, I suppose you mean
the clown head in the current task.
772
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:43,480
{\an2}The last person
to launch is Sue Perkins.
773
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:46,560
{\an2}These are the most funnelly things
I could find
774
00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:49,080
{\an2}but I think they might mean I have
to cross the threshold.
775
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:51,720
{\an2}Right, OK.
776
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:53,920
{\an2}That's not gonna wor...
Let's try and just...
777
00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:56,120
{\an2}I'm gonna go for plan B
and just throw some things.
778
00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:02,080
{\an2}Yeah, I'm running out of cards. So.
779
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:03,880
{\an2}So, we're on to plan C, is it now?
780
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:05,520
{\an2}Can I bring the clown nearer me?
781
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,880
{\an2}As long as you don't
cross that threshold. Right.
782
00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:10,440
{\an2}How's it going, Sue? Is there
any gaffer tape in the shed?
783
00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:13,200
{\an2}Yes, would you like me to get it
for you? Oh, thanks so much.
784
00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:15,800
{\an2}Also, if you find anything longer
than this, that'd be great.
785
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:17,880
{\an2}You've got five minutes left.
No!
786
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:25,960
{\an2}Ah.
787
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,080
{\an2}Take that, you hungry clown.
788
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,520
{\an2}Are there more cards? Ah!
789
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:51,160
{\an2}Hello, Sue.
790
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:52,680
{\an2}Hello, how long have I got?
791
00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:53,960
{\an2}You've got 30 seconds. Oh.
792
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:57,800
{\an2}So there's another whole packet?
793
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:00,320
{\an2}Yeah, the classic 72.
794
00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:01,640
{\an2}The classic 72.
795
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:03,840
{\an2}Is it 72?
796
00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:07,720
{\an2}Thanks, Sue.
797
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:09,160
{\an2}Classic 72, mate.
798
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:10,680
{\an2}It's a classic 72.
799
00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:13,600
{\an2}Add it to the 87 that were there,
we're talking big numbers.
800
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:20,760
{\an2}What did you think
the classic 72 was, one pack or two?
801
00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:22,200
{\an2}Uh, I thought it was one pack
802
00:39:22,240 --> 00:39:24,320
{\an2}and it's just the way I said,
"The classic 72,"
803
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,480
{\an2}and Alex just went,
"72!" And then, I just thought,
804
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:29,840
{\an2}"I have just become
the biggest cock on Earth."
805
00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:31,040
{\an2}The plan worked a treat.
806
00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:32,080
{\an2}You got the classic 72.
807
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,840
{\an2}Well done, you. Thank you. I do
need to show you some more stuff.
808
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:38,000
{\an2}Oh, there's a but, isn't there? Ah.
I think we all felt there might be.
809
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,520
{\an2}It was actually birthday
cards. Hmm.
810
00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:43,840
{\an2}He's excited because he's gonna
crush me again.
811
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,720
{\an2}Let's see what the Dream Crusher's
got in store.
812
00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:49,560
{\an2}That's what my children call me.
OK, here we go.
813
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:52,600
{\an2}I'm gonna go for plan B
and just throw some things.
814
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:54,200
{\an2}Yeah, watch that hand.
815
00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:56,960
{\an2}I'm gonna just try
and see what my aim's saying.
816
00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,200
{\an2}Cool. Hmm.
817
00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:17,720
{\an2}The Dream Crusher!
818
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:18,760
{\an2}Wow.
819
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:20,800
{\an2}That's fingertip cruel, mate.
820
00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:23,360
{\an2}He's right. It's fingertip
cruel, mate.
821
00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,600
{\an2}You look so nice, but underneath
it all, you're just a shit.
822
00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:28,680
{\an2}Oh, that is...
823
00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:31,280
{\an2}Oh, that's awful, but rules
are rules, unfortunately. Oh.
824
00:40:31,320 --> 00:40:34,240
{\an2}Yeah, it means Julian Clary was the
only one who completed the task.
825
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:35,800
{\an2}Wow. Wow, really?
826
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:37,160
{\an2}51 cards and you would've won
827
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:39,040
{\an2}the task if you hadn't done
anything at all.
828
00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:42,160
{\an2}Well done.
Let's have a look at the scores.
829
00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:44,320
{\an2}The winner so far is Sue
with 15 points.
830
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:52,400
{\an2}Oh, can you please stay where you are
831
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:54,960
{\an2}while Alex and I make our way to the
stage...
832
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,840
{\an2}What? ..for the final task of the
show!
833
00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:06,760
{\an2}Hello, there.
Who will be reading the task out?
834
00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:09,480
{\an2}It's me. OK.
835
00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:10,840
{\an2}A-hem.
836
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,440
{\an2}Watch Alex's parade.
837
00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:15,680
{\an2}Oh.
838
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:17,760
{\an2}Then answer the questions.
839
00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:21,600
{\an2}Most correct answers wins.
840
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:25,240
{\an2}You may not make any notes during
the parade.
841
00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,880
{\an2}Let the parade commence.
842
00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:29,800
{\an2}And here he comes.
843
00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:32,560
{\an2}The furry Wotsit. Oh,
844
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:35,720
{\an2}he's wearing a lollipop
person's outfit.
845
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:38,880
{\an2}I remember my lollipop lady when
I was a boy.
846
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:43,240
{\an2}Mandy. She was an angry lady who
hated children.
847
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:48,440
{\an2}Ooh, here he comes again.
848
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:51,160
{\an2}Born in 1972
849
00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:54,480
{\an2}and found as a baby in
a car park in Nantwich,
850
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:56,800
{\an2}Alex is now dressed as a doctor.
851
00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:59,640
{\an2}Which is ironic because
he's currently suffering
852
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:02,400
{\an2}from ugly haemorrhoids.
853
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:07,080
{\an2}Ooh. Who's Alex,
here's Alex the handyman.
854
00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:10,360
{\an2}He could fix your immersion heater
855
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:14,960
{\an2}or do a very workman-like strip
at a hen-do.
856
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:18,120
{\an2}But in real life, he couldn't do
anything like that.
857
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:22,040
{\an2}Because he's had a soft upbringing
and he's incompetent.
858
00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:23,880
{\an2}Oh, who could this be?
859
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:27,840
{\an2}Who ordered the limp, white meat,
860
00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:30,120
{\an2}the limp, white meat.
861
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:33,200
{\an2}No, that's just Alex the chef.
862
00:42:33,240 --> 00:42:34,720
{\an2}He's always unappetising
863
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:37,240
{\an2}and when he eats he has
to shut his eyes
864
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,280
{\an2}cos he can only open one orifice
at a time.
865
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:45,600
{\an2}There he is again as a magician.
866
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:48,480
{\an2}Alakazam! Wow,
867
00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:50,880
{\an2}he can literally turn any
situation into
868
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:53,200
{\an2}a lifeless vacuum.
869
00:42:53,240 --> 00:42:55,080
{\an2}What's his magician's name?
870
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:59,080
{\an2}Why it's the Mysterious Bacteriosis.
871
00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:07,520
{\an2}No, he's got legs.
872
00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:10,560
{\an2}Look at his legs. Look at it.
873
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:13,040
{\an2}Right, it's time for the,
uh, parade test.
874
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:15,160
{\an2}You may now pick up your
blackboards and pens.
875
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:18,800
{\an2}Question one...
876
00:43:27,720 --> 00:43:28,840
{\an2}Julian.
877
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:31,200
{\an2}Limp white meat. Lucy.
878
00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:32,480
{\an2}Swollen meat man.
879
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:37,280
{\an2}Don't remember telling you my stage
name.
880
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:40,440
{\an2}Sam. A good bloke.
881
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:47,200
{\an2}Sue. Uh, I've got the wrong character
so I said kill any vacuum.
882
00:43:47,240 --> 00:43:50,600
{\an2}Yeah. Susan.
883
00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:52,480
{\an2}Um, my mind was sort
of nearly there.
884
00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:53,920
{\an2}Soft white meat, I got.
885
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:58,280
{\an2}I don't know. Very close...
Yeah. ..but no cigar. No.
886
00:43:58,320 --> 00:43:59,560
{\an2}Question two.
887
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:08,280
{\an2}Julian. 1972.
888
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:11,880
{\an2}Lucy.
He was born in 2015 or 1800s.
889
00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,760
{\an2}Absolutely incredible. Sam.
890
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:18,160
{\an2}Uh, 1984.
891
00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:19,200
{\an2}Sue.
892
00:44:19,240 --> 00:44:20,240
{\an2}1972.
893
00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:23,160
{\an2}Susan? 1972.
894
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:24,200
{\an2}Well done.
895
00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:25,400
{\an2}Question three.
896
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,200
{\an2}Julian.
897
00:44:32,240 --> 00:44:33,680
{\an2}Alakabaz.
898
00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:35,880
{\an2}Ah. Lucy.
899
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,240
{\an2}Cheesecake tits.
900
00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:40,520
{\an2}Sam.
901
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:41,680
{\an2}Alakazam.
902
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:43,200
{\an2}Sue. Alakazam.
903
00:44:43,240 --> 00:44:45,040
{\an2}Susan. Alakazam.
904
00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:47,040
{\an2}Very close, Julian, very close.
905
00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:49,640
{\an2}Question four.
906
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:56,680
{\an2}Julian. Big end.
907
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:00,920
{\an2}Lucy.
His tripod.
908
00:45:02,640 --> 00:45:05,480
{\an2}Sam. His personal life.
909
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:06,960
{\an2}Incisive. Sue?
910
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:08,080
{\an2}Immersion heaters.
911
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:09,760
{\an2}Susan. Immersion heater.
912
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:10,800
{\an2}Wow.
913
00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:15,040
{\an2}And, finally, question five...
914
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:22,560
{\an2}Julian. Rubber duck.
915
00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:26,280
{\an2}Lucy. A penis brackets cock ring
or cheese triangle.
916
00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:30,680
{\an2}Sam. The Holy Bible.
917
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,280
{\an2}Sue. Yeah, I guessed a duck, as well.
918
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:38,560
{\an2}Susan. Yeah, duck, as well, yeah,
yeah.
919
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:40,000
{\an2}Seriously? Yeah.
920
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:43,120
{\an2}It was a delicious satsuma.
Oh, magic.
921
00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:45,360
{\an2}I didn't take any of it in at all.
922
00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:48,000
{\an2}We know.
923
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:50,560
{\an2}So, we'll add all of those
924
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:52,520
{\an2}and we'll put 'em onto
the final scores.
925
00:45:52,560 --> 00:45:54,080
{\an2}We'll come down there and join you.
926
00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:04,400
{\an2}That's put the cat amongst
the pigeons, hasn't it?
927
00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:06,080
{\an2}Yes, I changed my clothes
really fast
928
00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:08,160
{\an2}and you produced
a satsuma secretly.
929
00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:11,280
{\an2}Yeah. Scores-wise, Lucy didn't get
any right,
930
00:46:11,320 --> 00:46:14,000
{\an2}but still gets one point for coming
fifth, so well done. Ah, thanks.
931
00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:15,360
{\an2}And that feels like charity.
932
00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,080
{\an2}Yes. Uh, Sam, you got one right,
933
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,000
{\an2}so you get two points
for coming fourth.
934
00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:20,960
{\an2}Oh, great. Julian, you come third,
935
00:46:21,000 --> 00:46:22,440
{\an2}so you get three points.
936
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:23,520
{\an2}Uh, Sue and Susan,
937
00:46:23,560 --> 00:46:26,520
{\an2}with suspiciously similar
answers you,
938
00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:28,520
{\an2}you both win the task
and get five points each.
939
00:46:32,120 --> 00:46:34,240
{\an2}And so... The winner of the episode,
940
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:36,080
{\an2}with 20 points, is Sue Perkins!
941
00:46:38,240 --> 00:46:40,240
{\an2}Sue Perkins wins.
942
00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:43,040
{\an2}Please go and collect your bits
of crap.
943
00:46:46,400 --> 00:46:48,440
{\an2}Just one sweet final to go
944
00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:50,960
{\an2}and one sweet winner tonight.
945
00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:52,120
{\an2}Sue Perkins!
946
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:57,120
{\an2}Subtitles By Red Bee Media