This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Good evening.
Agh!
Ah.
Ooh.
I trained at RADA.
What have I created?
Sorry.
How we laughed.
Ah.
Huh?
Hello, welcome to the show. I'm Greg Davies.
If Taskmaster is
the new Colosseum, then our contestants are lion fodder.
If Taskmaster is the Olympics, then these five
need to beef up on 'roids big-time.
If Taskmaster is the new religion, then I'm
the mother-flipping pope and I don't smoke dope
and I've never owned a soap on a rope.
Wow! Writing introductions is increasingly tough.
So, let's crack on and meet our colossal contenders,
they are Julian Clary, Lucy Beaumont,
Sam Campbell,
Sue Perkins and Susan Wokoma.
APPLAUSE
And next to me the answer to
the question, which well-known presenter does little plops in
the toilet like the ones you'd expect to see from a sheep?
It's little Alex Horne.
All right.
Hello.
Say again?
Go on, what are you preoccupied with?
Oh, was I? Sorry, no, yeah, no
not very professional.
It's just this new WhatsApp group. Yeah.
I love WhatsApp. Do you?
Just the groups, and anyway... OK.
Yes, no, I'm looking... looking forward to the show.
Let's have a look at your WhatsApp group.
Really? Yeah. It's sort of priv.... It's sort of me and my friends.
Yeah. Let me see.
My actual friends.
"The Little Ones."
It's the name of the group, yeah.
Yeah. Who's in it? Lil Nas is in it, is he? Yeah.
What's he say? "Hey, guys."
Yeah. "You free Wednesday? Got some little plans."
He's so funny. So funny.
You say, "Nah, man, not Wednesday,
"swimming lesson. You know this."
Hmm, should do.
And Lil Nas says, "Lil Wayne, you around next Wednesday?"
"Like I say, I've got some little plans."
Lil Wayne says, "Also not free Wednesday,
"I've got my climbing lesson." Climbing, always Wednesday.
"I thought you knew that, Lil Nas." Yeah.
And lots of exclamation marks.
And then, in comes Richard Littlejohn.
He says, "Hi, guys, love the banter as always." Yeah.
"I'm now free on Wednesday as my javelin practice..."
"..my javelin practice..." It moved.
"..has been moved to Sunday mornings. 8am, WTF."
Yeah, so early. Isn't that early for javelin?
Yeah. Yeah.
I've messaged him back for you. What did you say?
Oh.
I don't think they've ever heard me using that word before.
OK, that's a shame, that's a shame.
Right, on with the prize task.
Yes. And you'll like this one, Greg, because
they've been asked to bring in
the bit of old crap that Greg likes the best.
Wow, you are getting lazy.
We all know Greg likes old crap
but what old crap does Greg like best?
Best old crap equals five points
and the winner today will take home five bits of old crap. Crappy days.
OK, Julian, what bit of crap have you brought in?
Oh, you're gonna love this. It's a ceramic soldier from a junk shop.
Here we go. It's a gentleman at arms.
I bought it to annoy my husband cos I thought he'd hate it.
But, actually, we've grown to love him.
We call him Bernard.
And he's everything you'd want in a soldier.
He's well-presented, he's very, very smart
and probably available for no-strings fun round
the back of the barracks. You get that vibe.
He's got that look in his eye, hasn't he? Yeah, I see that.
Why does it have to be no-strings?
That's how we like it.
I wonder where that tradition came from
of soldiers having big feathers on their head. Any idea?
Yeah, yeah, I know. OK.
Lucy, can you beat a ceramic soldier?
This is a mouse dropping.
Oh. Basically, where my mum lived,
when she was growing up, she lived next door to,
uh, an old couple and they couldn't have children.
So, the husband, he bought a monkey off a sailor.
Um, but the monkey bit her nose off.
And I was never allowed pets.
But my mum did eventually get me a hamster.
And one night, it ran across the settee, and so,
because it scared her, she whacked it and killed it.
But because of that, my mum's now got mice in her pantry.
And instead of getting rid of 'em, she's keeping 'em like pets.
And that's their dropping.
So, the feathers are just
a symbol of their collective identity, that's all it...
I just feel like I have...I've done what you've asked me to do.
You haven't done... You've just given me
an awful insight into your upbringing.
And then, you've brought me a plate full of shit,
that's what you've done.
Um, Sam, what have you brought?
It's my National Insurance number.
I had to get a National Insurance number. Yeah, we all have to.
They rang me up. They said, "How do you want it?
"It gets sent in a letter or just email
"or you can get it on a cassette."
A cassette? Yeah.
It's for blind people so they can hear the number instead. Oh.
Oh. Yeah, there's the prize.
Wow.
And this is what his National Insurance number is.
COMPUTER VOICE: From the Department for Work and Pensions your reference.
BLEEP, one, BLEEP, six, BLEEP, BLEEP.
Pretty good.
I sort of do want it.
Cos you have trouble with sleeping.
I do have trouble with sleeping, yeah. Chuck that on.
Chuck that on.
Hi, Sue. Hi, you.
Can you beat a plateful of shit, a taped security number, a soldier?
I've brought this in.
Atomic Energy Badge for Boy Scouts in 1960s America.
To get this badge, uh,
as a Boy Scout, you had to build an electroscope,
build a Geiger counter,
go to a place underground with radiation
and record the measurements.
That's genuinely fascinating. Yeah.
And I've gotta say,
I think it might have the edge over a plate full of shit.
Hello, Susan.
Um, the thing that I've brought in is my childhood pet.
So, here is Susan's bit of old crap.
Yeah.
I really wanted a dog.
But my mum, she's Nigerian,
so she doesn't really understand the concept of bringing
a wild, hostile animal like a puppy into your home.
Just doesn't translate.
So one day, I was with my childhood friend Aurora.
She's very arts-and-crafty.
She calls her parents by their first name.
Urgh. Really weird, really weird.
Pull yourself together, Aurora.
And so, we decided to walk along, uh,
the Walworth Road
and each find
a leaf which we then covered in sticky back plastic and,
I decided to name my childhood pet Le Fleur
and that is a true story and I feel a bit sick.
I'm not surprised. It's genuinely heartbreaking that someone...
But it's a beloved. ..would have a pet that is a laminated leaf.
Yes.
Not easy for you this, Greg.
I mean, it's not that hard.
It'll come as little surprise that the thing I want to take home least
is a big pile of mouse shit. One point to Lucy.
One point. OK. What do you think I want to take home least the next?
I think it's the National Insurance number of an Australian comedian.
It isn't.
Oh. It's a laminated leaf.
Two points to Susan, then, is it? Yeah. OK.
I sort of want that soldier. Wait, wait, is this getting three points?
Yeah. I can't explain why I want Sam's tape.
I almost want it the most.
But not quite. I want the atomic badge the most
so I'm gonna give four points to Sam's weird tape
and five points to the atomic badge.
There we go. Well done, Sue Perkins. Wins the task.
OK, let's get going.
Stop.
Go.
WHISTLE BLOWS
And stop.
This is already majestic.
Standard sweeper.
I haven't got a driver's licence.
Do you have a driver's licence?
I do, it took a while to get.
I can't drive. I'm a Londoner.
We don't drive. You just get on the bus
or the DLR and go boop-boop at the front.
Can you drive, Sam? I can drive people crazy.
Do you have a licence? I not only have a licence, Alex,
I am a member of the Advanced Motorists association.
So, stick that in your pipe.
Drive, that's good, the first word.
Drive across the finish line.
You must obey all the rules of the road
and must only stop your vehicle at a traffic signal.
If you disobey a rule,
Alex will blow his whistle
and you must return to the start.
Back here? Back here.
For a ten-second driving lesson.
Fastest wins.
Your time starts when the traffic signals first change.
So I'm gonna teach you about this vehicle.
Right.
This is the horn.Alex... BEEPS HORN
Sorry. It's all right.
No, no, but not yet, not, not yet. Yeah,
the lesson hasn't quite finished or started.
It goes up to ten miles an hour.
Oh, I'm gonna push this bitch.
But why are you gonna push it?
I'm not entirely clear about these signals. No.
I'm assuming red means stop. No.
It doesn't? No.
You start when the traffic signals change. OK.
There were things that surprised me about the intro,
"I'm gonna push this bitch."
That's the reason it took 14 years to get the licence.
Um, Julian, you're an Advanced driver?
Well, my father was a traffic policeman,
so he knew about this organisation.
They teach you how to drive extra safely
and you get a sticker to put in your car.
But can you also do doughnuts in a car park and stuff?
Ha, I have been known.
Um, things that didn't surprise me -
Sam and Lucy can't drive
and RADA sits on the front of trains
and pretends she's the driver.
I'm happy to see their attempts.
So, neither of these two have a licence
and neither of them should ever have a licence.
It's Lucy and it is also Sam. Here we go.
You can start when the traffic signals change.
Right.
WHISTLE BLOWS What's up?
WHISTLE BLOWS Please come back
for a driving lesson.
Oh.
Hello, Sam. How are you? Welcome to your first driving lesson.
Hello, Lucy. Sorry.
You clearly didn't obey the amber signal there.
I didn't know what it means.
Well, amber means to activate your brushes.
What does red mean?
You've got two seconds left. Red means go. Off you go.
WHISTLE BLOWS
You did very well with the brushes that time, but then,
you hit the purple one and, of course, at purple
you must get out of your vehicle,
walk round it and get back in it and carry on.
Yeah. Right, OK.
What's green mean? Green, wait for three seconds. Off you go.
Red is go, go, go, go go.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Blue means you have to come back
to the previous signal
and then carry on. Oh, yeah, yeah.
What's yellow? Yellow means you've gotta beep your horn and carry on.
We're getting there. Yeah.
Oh, bye-bye.
WHISTLE BLOWS What the hell?
You failed to activate your brushes.
WHISTLING
Orange means go?
No.
Ah!
WHISTLE BLOWS Shall I come back on foot?
If you want.
Hello, Lucy.
Turn them on. Purple is spin.
Obviously, I would be able to do it if I had that with me.
You want my piece of paper? Yeah.
Lovely.
Very good.
BEEPING
I've stopped the clock!
WHISTLE BLOWS What?
You're not allowed to stop unless you're next to a traffic signal.
Can you come back for a driving lesson, please?
What the hell? That was good! WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh. What happens if this goes forever?
Don't you have other things to film?
Thank you, Sam.
You should be ashamed. You should be ashamed.
Well, firstly, you enjoyed your flashing blue hat
and your authority too much, didn't you?
I enjoyed it a lot. You did.
Blowing his little whistle.
What a knob! Now, Lucy,
and I say this only in driving terms,
I think there's something wrong with you.
That's what the instructor said.
Sam, you seemed very annoyed when you were called back at one point.
Yes, I think I know the bit you mean. It's this bit.
WHISTLE BLOWS
He kept whistling and the authority figure, his hat...
Yeah, he loves... ..was pissing me off, man.
Yeah. And he was smirking and he was nasty.
He's a spiteful little shit, isn't he?
"Oh, hoo-hoo, they're not doing my task right."
He took 26 minutes and 22 seconds.
Is that good?
No...
Lucy, 24 minutes and 30 seconds so they're similar times
but Lucy's in the lead at the moment.
Well done, Lucy.
Advert time,
and it's a real opportunity to practise mindfulness.
Close your eyes and breathe.
Then make a list of all the things you haven't done.
Jesus, you're behind, get up, panic,
no-one thinks you're up to the job. Argh!
Hello, hello again. Welcome
to part two of Taskmaster where our comedians are learning
the Taskmaster rules of the road.
Yes, Greg. It's our way or the Highway...Code.
We've seen Sam and Lucy. Now for Sue Perkins
and our resident Advanced Motorist Mr Julian Clary.
Off we go.
WHISTLE BLOWS Sorry, Julian,
would you mind coming back for a driving lesson?
Hello, Julian.
Hello, did I do something wrong?
So you failed to obey
the amber signal which is, of course, activate brushes.
And red means? Go.
Blue. Blue means return to the previous signal
and obey that signal, as well. OK.
WHISTLE BLOWS I'm returning. Yeah, I knew it.
Do you have a pen?
Father taught me to drive. Did he?
I passed on my 17th birthday.
Oh. Happy days.
Happy birthday. I, um...
Well, enough about you. Yeah, OK.
Red means go.
WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, dear.
I can't read my own hands.
WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, don't.
So annoying!
Bye-bye. Bye.
Activate brushes.
All right so far?
Really nice. Really nice.
BEEPING
I don't want it to end!
Don't take hands off.
I've stopped the clock!
What was yellow?
WHISTLE BLOWS Ten-second driving lesson, please.
WHISTLE BLOWS
WHISTLE BLOWING
WHISTLE BLOWS
I'm not sure, in the history of this show, we've ever had such
a chillingly calm meltdown.
Well, I...I just smelt freedom.
It was like a light bulb filament burnt out and then, "Nah, I'm out."
It's not for me. I mean...
All that blowing and I don't know how long I was there for,
but it was a long time.
Well, it wasn't that long.
13 minutes.
You've got a shorter fuse than you thought, Julian.
Well, he was the only one there to talk to.
Oh, God. Awful. Um,
so Julian gets no points,
but, you know, what a glorious crash-and-burn.
Oh, it was all worth it.
Sue, I've just realised, whatever we've asked you to do
for this whole series, you look like it's your job.
I'm really biddable, that's the thing.
I'm told to do something I go, "Absolutely," and then, I'm just it.
You really did push that bitch.
I know!
She was an exhausted bitch by the time we finished.
She pushed the bitch
for a total of 11 minutes and 43 seconds.
AUDIENCE OOHS Whoa.
Who's next?
Here is Susan on the sweeper.
WHISTLE BLOWS What do, what do, what do I do?
Please come back for a driving lesson.
Oh, my God! All right. Ooh.
SHE SCREAMS
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Need to press. Ah! Stop!
Wait, wait, wait, hang on. Wait, wait, I've got it.
Everyone, calm down.
Good. Stop, stop, stop, stop!
I'm sorry, I nearly killed you. I'm so sorry.
Why does it keep doing that? Why does it do that? Stop, uh...
SUSAN SIGHS
Welcome to your first driving lesson.
Uh, unfortunately, you didn't obey the amber signal.
Amber, of course, means you have to activate your brushes.
Bye.
Please come back for a driving lesson. What? No, no way!
Well, I need to tell you what blue does.
Blue means wait. Blue means... Wait.
..come back to the previous set of signals. Off you go.
What does yellow mean, now?
It means you have to come back for a driving lesson.
Careful.
Yellow is beep the horn and carry on.
Right, bye. Bye-bye.
And do I keep them off?
BEEPING
I've already got it on
so I just carry on...I'm going.
I'm bloody going.
You can't stop me!
Da-da-da-da-da.
We got there.
Well, here's some things that
I never thought would be said out loud.
You're a worse driver than Lucy Beaumont.
Well, I don't have a driver's licence and... No way.
No, no, no.
I had so much fun.
Oh, good. Yeah.
Especially when I nearly killed someone.
Didn't I hit that thing twice? Twice.
The thing with the man behind? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She did fulfil the task. She passed. She learnt,
she learnt really quickly.
So, at first you were turning left,
but not understanding why it went left.
But you managed to time it better than anyone else with the flags.
Thanks. So you did it in 13 minutes 50 seconds.
Amazing. Oh, God, that's... Oh, what? Yeah.
It's amazing.
But it means Sam gets two points, three for Lucy,
four for Susan, but Sue Perkins gets five points. There we are.
And a score board, please. Maximum points at the moment goes
to Sue Perkins in the lead with ten.
Well done, Sue. May we have another task, please, Alex?
Yes, and it's another one that really is just for you, Greg.
Hello. Oh, hi, Susan.
Oh, hi.
Hi, Sam. Oh, there's something in your pigeon hole.
That's proper 50.
Coin fever, hey!
"Make Greg the best gift."
"You have five minutes to order your items."
"Then 15 minutes to make your gift."
"Your items must cost no more than £50."
I will need that money.
So, I've got to pick these up like an animal?
OK, your time starts now.
Right, OK.
Have you thought of anything you want me to buy yet?
Yeah. OK.
Shall I tell you? Yes, please. Oh, right.
Can you get me a box?
Corrugated cardboard.
Something furry, fluffy.
A blanket.
What colour?
Brown.
And if there's any Mr Sheen spray
and a duster if you can afford that, as well.
I'd like a hairdryer.
Nothing with nuts.
The craziest straws that you can see.
So, that's up to about £8 now, do you think?
You've got 30 seconds and probably about £2 left to spend.
Let's put some little sweets in. Hmm.
Or maybe he's a cris... I think he might be a crisp man.
Ferrero Rocher.
You're going to spoil him.
Cheap crisps. Cheap crisps. Cos then, we can have a few. He'll like that.
WHISTLE BLOWS OK. Here you are.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm going to the shop.
Whatever's left over, just buy yourself something. Right.
All right.
You've got 15 minutes to create your gift for Greg Davies.
Fabulous.
Um, is it appropriate to call him "sir"? Definitely.
It sort of looks like you know what you're doing.
I don't.
Wear this one. Yeah. And then, I'd like you to come out naked.
Look at that.
Is that snow? Yeah.
I'm sorry I started this now. Yeah.
And you've finished, have you? Yeah. Yeah. I'm done now.
This is really good, by the way.
You want me to pass that on? Yeah.
I've got a real feeling this is gonna be quite...quite wonderful.
You sort of set Sam up there a little bit by giving him coins... Yeah.
..while everyone else had a note.
But I think we set him up because we always know he's
gonna say something amazing.
And I just loved, "Coin fever, eh!"
Why did you have an orange tie on?
I was under instructions to spend whatever money was left over,
uh, on something for myself.
I'm very excited by all of these
and well done for the "sir" thing. It puts me in mind of my teaching days.
I thought it might.
Advert time.
A wise man once said, never a borrower or a lender be.
And did that guy have an air fryer or a SodaStream?
No, what a loser.
Apply for a new credit card immediately.
The neighbours are talking about you!
Bye.
Hello.
Welcome back to Taskmaster where I've been
a very patient boy, haven't I, Alex?
Such a patient boy, Greg,
but the waiting is about to pay off. Are you ready?
Yes! Let's go and get your presents. Come on.
Happy birthday, Greg.
Present time.
Yes, let's start this end.
This one is from Mr Julian Clary.
You remember the box he made.
Yes. Enjoy.
Ah, that is a lovely box
with pink spots on it. So lovely, Julian.
This could change your life.
Oh...
Oh, God.
Oh, God, that is...
There's more. Oh.
What's that, polish?
Oh. Julian's written "Have fun!" in the bottom.
This is what? The shorts. Oh, God...
I mean, you know, it's getting to the time
where I should consider retiring,
so why don't I go out with a bang and put this on.
Thank you for my...
..gimp costume?
OK, second present. This is from Susan Wokoma.
Oh, I like that. Home-made.
Oh, that is nice.
I-I think you should put it on.
Pop that on. Get that on you.
A more cynical man would say that this was just
some crudely cut pieces of material... No.
..that have been glued onto a fur coat.
No, no, you'd be mistaken.
If you wanna go up to the fr... Oh, look at that!
Give us a spin! AUDIENCE CHEERS
WHISTLING, APPLAUSE
Pop these on.
Yeah! Yeah!
There we are. Yeah.
Oh. They're nice presents so far, aren't they?
Honestly, they do feel quite nice.
Lucy Beaumont's...den.
Ah.
That's quite clever though because I do like a den.
Well, you can hide in there waiting for your victims.
There's a trail of crisps, you know, where someone might go,
"Oh, crisps!" and then, they'll come in the den,
and then, you can get them.
Can you fit in there OK?
GREG SIGHS
Let's see, shall we?
Oh, you're going in backwards. Yes.
You like the present, Greg?
MUFFLED: No.
Bit more delicate, this one. This is, uh,
from Sam Campbell. All for you.
Oh.
What is at the bottom of the bucket, there's snow?
I mean, I have to say, this is Sam's actual credit card.
So, that's incredible. Yeah, it's a gentleman's basket.
Oh, what I was thinking?
Well, I thought, when I saw you, you're so stylish.
I didn't know you were gonna start dressing Fagin at a disco.
Last one.
And now, you can enjoy a lovely bit of art.
Oh, wow. Is that you? That's you?
Yeah, we did that in the garden.
There's a version on the back where the artist's in the frame.
I just wanted you to see Alex in a more aesthetic,
romantic - perhaps, even sexual - way.
Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful.
Which is your least favourite gift, Greg?
I don't wanna give any of them one point. Right.
I'm gonna give, uh,
two points to Sam's gentleman's basket.
Ah. Because I think, well, it's insane.
Lovely stuff.
And I think I'm gonna give, three points
to Susan's coat. Do you know why?
I can imagine.
It's rubbish.
Three to Susan.
I'm gonna give four points to Lucy's crisp den.
And I'm gonna give four points also to Julian's, uh, rubber outfit
because it's just something I've never considered before.
And I'm gonna give five points
to this beautiful painting of my favourite man in the world. Oh.
Well, there we go. Sue Perkins wins the task!
Let's go back down.
Shall we try for another? Hmm, yes, please.
OK, Greg, here is some more clowning about.
Hello. Hello, there.
Ah. That's a creepy clown.
Don't go any closer to the clown that's...
I don't want to. It's a clown. Good.
OK, here we go.
"Feed the clown the most cards."
"No part of you must cross the threshold of the stage."
This is the stage. Don't go any closer than that.
No, uh, no... Exactly. Even if a hair goes over it.
"You have ten minutes, your time starts now."
Pretty straightforward.
Get the cards into the clown's mouth. Mm-hm.
Do not cross the threshold
and I will be ruthless on this.
I think we should just get on with it. OK, well, let's begin,
as we so often have, with Lucy and Susan.
I'm gonna just try and see what my aim's saying.
Cool.
Have you got a fishing rod and a magnet?
All I've got is a shed.
I'll try it again just so that we're all aware that this is not
how we're gonna do this.
Useless.
Hello, Lucy. Hiya.
You got a plan?
Yeah. Yeah.
All right, so we've done that.
Yeah, done that.
That was about six.
Do you mind telling me your plan?
I want to see if you'll, um, if you'll sit on there.
I don't mind sitting on a sledge.
I can't cross the threshold.
Can you cross the threshold?
Yeah, I can do what I want. Can you get me all the cards, please?
No, thank you... No, thank you. What?!
I don't really like clowns.
No, nobody does, do they?
I'm just gonna give you this card.
You might need to just shuffle forward a bit.
Uh, I won't be putting them in the clown's mouth.
You won't be? I don't think so.
Right, hmm.
May I go in the shed, please? Thanks.
Ah.
I mean, there's nothing in here.
Well, no, that's cos that's not the shed.
Why am I sitting on a sledge? I don't know,
I was gonna push you if you needed me to.
OK.
No.
You were fine, just... Was I?
Ah, yeah. I'm over it.
I've got a feeling this isn't the best way,
but I don't know... I've sort of committed to it,
I don't know any other way now.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Well, there are SOME cards in the clown's mouth.
What's great about Taskmaster is that people sometimes try a method,
but then, they evolve as the task goes on.
Not in Susan's case.
No, no, no.
It was just the throw the cards, route one. Yeah.
Throw the cards into the clown's mouth. Yeah.
How many did you get in? Uh, was it three?
How many'd she get in?
Actually 12. Oh, was it 12?
Wow. Yeah, 12 in the end. For, for insanity, that's pretty good.
Well, that's a disappointing start.
Well, you would've thought no-one could be worse than that.
You would've thought.
Hello, Lucy. Hi.
Why were you wearing two hats?
I think just cos, they were, they were in there.
Yeah, pop 'em on. Fine perfect answer. Is that all right?
Probably the same reason that when Susan failed, she maniacally laughed.
Lucy, did you really think you could use a leaf blower
to blow that card into the clown's mouth?
Yeah. Yeah, she did.
Cos when I blow leaves at home I mean... Into a clown's mouth.
Well, I mean they go...they go really far. They go miles. Yeah.
So, it's 12 and zero to beat.
Who's next?
We're gonna see Sam Clownball and Julian Clowny, fine?
Yes. Here we go.
I've got an idea. OK.
I need some string, am I allowed to go back into the house?
Oh, all the information's on the task, Sam.
If I look in the shed might I find some elastic bands?
It's a really nice shed.
Do you come with me or not? Do I go on my own? That's up to you.
You come with me. Great!
Is this your stage persona or is this what you're like?
I don't know what you mean.
OK.
Why did you do that?
Just to test my thrust.
How was your thrust?
Yeah.
Have you done this before?
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
What I want to do is just shove the whole thing in. Oh, I see.
Oh. Oh. No. Oh, I could still get it now, then.
That's in the clown.
That's what you wanted.
There's still one card not in.
Um, have I got time to go and get a broom or something?
You've got two minutes.
I'll go on my own this time.
OK. Thank you.
How lucky did I get with that little bit? The lip. Really lucky, Sam.
Are you giving me some sort of countdown?
Do you want it to be dramatic?
Well, let's see how dramatic you are.
You've got 45 seconds left, Julian.
Oh, now, I've done it.
Oh, well, I give up. I don't...
Never mind about the last card.
Thanks, Sam.
That's the end of your time. Thank you. Thank you.
It was nice to go to the shed with you. You're not the first.
Sam, my feeling was that probably when you did that successful
power throw of the cards that you ran off
and you just kept running for days.
Um, incredible. Must have been quite a rush.
This woman came to my school.
She died, but she came back to life,
and she came in to tell us about it cos she said she saw God
and he was a giant pink crystal. And that's how that felt.
Cheers, Sam.
Julian, your system worked really well.
The only question I've got really is why did you make
the cards like two feet from the top of the rod?
Well, I think there was something wrong with that rod.
It wasn't quite as euphoric an experience for me as...
..as your brush with God.
To me, it was just a packet of playing cards
and a rusty old clown's mouth.
Yes. Yeah, it didn't make you think of a rebirth and crystals, no?
Not at any point.
No...no. So, Julian still had time to get that last card.
He didn't get it which meant he got 51 in whereas Sam... Yeah.
..got 52 cards in. The full 52 cards.
Wow. That one card was the difference.
We've reached the end of part three once more.
The prizes today include a Sellotaped leaf,
a cassette tape of a National Insurance number
and some mouse droppings,
and yet, you will still watch.
You will still watch.
Hello. Welcome back
to the final part of the show where there's
a big old clown head that still needs feeding.
Oh, dear. Hungry, are you?
No, I suppose you mean the clown head in the current task.
The last person to launch is Sue Perkins.
These are the most funnelly things I could find
but I think they might mean I have to cross the threshold.
Right, OK.
That's not gonna wor... Let's try and just...
I'm gonna go for plan B and just throw some things.
Yeah, I'm running out of cards. So.
So, we're on to plan C, is it now?
Can I bring the clown nearer me?
As long as you don't cross that threshold. Right.
How's it going, Sue? Is there any gaffer tape in the shed?
Yes, would you like me to get it for you? Oh, thanks so much.
Also, if you find anything longer than this, that'd be great.
You've got five minutes left. No!
Ah.
Take that, you hungry clown.
Are there more cards? Ah!
Hello, Sue.
Hello, how long have I got?
You've got 30 seconds. Oh.
So there's another whole packet?
Yeah, the classic 72.
The classic 72.
Is it 72?
Thanks, Sue.
Classic 72, mate.
It's a classic 72.
Add it to the 87 that were there, we're talking big numbers.
What did you think the classic 72 was, one pack or two?
Uh, I thought it was one pack
and it's just the way I said, "The classic 72,"
and Alex just went, "72!" And then, I just thought,
"I have just become the biggest cock on Earth."
The plan worked a treat.
You got the classic 72.
Well done, you. Thank you. I do need to show you some more stuff.
Oh, there's a but, isn't there? Ah. I think we all felt there might be.
It was actually birthday cards. Hmm.
He's excited because he's gonna crush me again.
Let's see what the Dream Crusher's got in store.
That's what my children call me. OK, here we go.
I'm gonna go for plan B and just throw some things.
Yeah, watch that hand.
I'm gonna just try and see what my aim's saying.
Cool. Hmm.
The Dream Crusher!
Wow.
That's fingertip cruel, mate.
He's right. It's fingertip cruel, mate.
You look so nice, but underneath it all, you're just a shit.
Oh, that is...
Oh, that's awful, but rules are rules, unfortunately. Oh.
Yeah, it means Julian Clary was the only one who completed the task.
Wow. Wow, really?
51 cards and you would've won
the task if you hadn't done anything at all.
Well done. Let's have a look at the scores.
The winner so far is Sue with 15 points.
Oh, can you please stay where you are
while Alex and I make our way to the stage...
What? ..for the final task of the show!
Hello, there. Who will be reading the task out?
It's me. OK.
A-hem.
Watch Alex's parade.
Oh.
Then answer the questions.
Most correct answers wins.
You may not make any notes during the parade.
Let the parade commence.
And here he comes.
The furry Wotsit. Oh,
he's wearing a lollipop person's outfit.
I remember my lollipop lady when I was a boy.
Mandy. She was an angry lady who hated children.
Ooh, here he comes again.
Born in 1972
and found as a baby in a car park in Nantwich,
Alex is now dressed as a doctor.
Which is ironic because he's currently suffering
from ugly haemorrhoids.
Ooh. Who's Alex, here's Alex the handyman.
He could fix your immersion heater
or do a very workman-like strip at a hen-do.
But in real life, he couldn't do anything like that.
Because he's had a soft upbringing and he's incompetent.
Oh, who could this be?
Who ordered the limp, white meat,
the limp, white meat.
No, that's just Alex the chef.
He's always unappetising
and when he eats he has to shut his eyes
cos he can only open one orifice at a time.
There he is again as a magician.
Alakazam! Wow,
he can literally turn any situation into
a lifeless vacuum.
What's his magician's name?
Why it's the Mysterious Bacteriosis.
No, he's got legs.
Look at his legs. Look at it.
Right, it's time for the, uh, parade test.
You may now pick up your blackboards and pens.
Question one...
Julian.
Limp white meat. Lucy.
Swollen meat man.
Don't remember telling you my stage name.
Sam. A good bloke.
Sue. Uh, I've got the wrong character so I said kill any vacuum.
Yeah. Susan.
Um, my mind was sort of nearly there.
Soft white meat, I got.
I don't know. Very close... Yeah. ..but no cigar. No.
Question two.
Julian. 1972.
Lucy. He was born in 2015 or 1800s.
Absolutely incredible. Sam.
Uh, 1984.
Sue.
1972.
Susan? 1972.
Well done.
Question three.
Julian.
Alakabaz.
Ah. Lucy.
Cheesecake tits.
Sam.
Alakazam.
Sue. Alakazam.
Susan. Alakazam.
Very close, Julian, very close.
Question four.
Julian. Big end.
Lucy. His tripod.
Sam. His personal life.
Incisive. Sue?
Immersion heaters.
Susan. Immersion heater.
Wow.
And, finally, question five...
Julian. Rubber duck.
Lucy. A penis brackets cock ring or cheese triangle.
Sam. The Holy Bible.
Sue. Yeah, I guessed a duck, as well.
Susan. Yeah, duck, as well, yeah, yeah.
Seriously? Yeah.
It was a delicious satsuma. Oh, magic.
I didn't take any of it in at all.
We know.
So, we'll add all of those
and we'll put 'em onto the final scores.
We'll come down there and join you.
That's put the cat amongst the pigeons, hasn't it?
Yes, I changed my clothes really fast
and you produced a satsuma secretly.
Yeah. Scores-wise, Lucy didn't get any right,
but still gets one point for coming fifth, so well done. Ah, thanks.
And that feels like charity.
Yes. Uh, Sam, you got one right,
so you get two points for coming fourth.
Oh, great. Julian, you come third,
so you get three points.
Uh, Sue and Susan,
with suspiciously similar answers you,
you both win the task and get five points each.
And so... The winner of the episode,
with 20 points, is Sue Perkins!
Sue Perkins wins.
Please go and collect your bits of crap.
Just one sweet final to go
and one sweet winner tonight.
Sue Perkins!
Subtitles By Red Bee Media