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{\an2}This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
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{\an2}Well, well, well.
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{\an2}Ooh! Oh, no, no!
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{\an2}Yes!
SHE SCREAMS
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{\an1}SHE HISSES
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{\an2}Erm...
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{\an2}Quite windy today. Yeah.
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{\an2}Christ. Whoo! Wrong way.
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{\an2}That's how you do it, baby. OK.
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{\an2}Oh, my God!
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{\an1}THEY EXCLAIM
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{\an2}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello! Hello again.
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{\an2}Welcome to Taskmaster!
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{\an2}Or, as it's referred
to in North Korea,
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{\an2}a correction facility for
enemies of the state.
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{\an2}Our five remain unbroken,
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{\an2}but I'm yet to use my
full body weight.
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{\an2}Let the games continue,
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{\an2}and, for the penultimate time,
please welcome
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{\an2}Joanne McNally...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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{\an2}..John Robins...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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{\an2}..Nick Mohammed...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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{\an2}..Sophie Willan...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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{\an2}..and Steve Pemberton!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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{\an2}And next to me, a man who says
that the mothers at
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{\an2}the gate of his children's school
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{\an2}are a duplicitous gaggle
of witches...
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}MUMBLED, HIGH-PITCHED:
..it's little Alex Horne.
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{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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{\an2}I don't remember that.
I don't...
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{\an2}No, that doesn't sound like me.
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{\an2}Task time, then, is it?
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{\an2}Hmm, it's Prize Task time. Yes.
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{\an2}Yes, and this week,
they've brought in
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{\an2}the most splendid spherical thing.
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{\an2}ALL: Ooh!
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{\an2}We're looking for a
solid all-rounder,
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{\an2}and Greg will give 5 points for
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{\an2}the most splendid spherical thing.
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{\an2}The winner of the episode will
take home five splendid spheres,
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{\an2}or a handful of brilliant balls,
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{\an2}or just under half a dozen
cracking orbs.
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{\an2}Right, Steve, hello.
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{\an2}What's your splendid
spherical thing?
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{\an2}The most splendid spherical thing
I wanted to bring you
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{\an2}was the moon.
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{\an2}Obviously I couldn't do that,
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{\an2}so I made you one.
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{\an2}Made me the moon.
I made a moon.
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{\an2}This is Steve making the moon.
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{\an2}I made it myself in my
own back garden.
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{\an2}And, er, then,
over the course of a weekend,
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{\an2}transformed it into this.
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{\an2}Wonderful moon.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an1}APPLAUSE
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{\an2}It's a bit of a blue moon.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}It's spectacular, Steve. Yeah.
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{\an2}And these craters were created
obviously by gas erupting through...
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
Oh! He saw through the science.
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{\an2}Yeah. I mean, Steve,
I'm speechless.
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{\an2}If I'd have 1,000 guesses,
I wouldn't have got to you
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{\an2}doing an arse-laden moon.
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{\an2}Yes, so do you recognise
the specificity of
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{\an2}the mooning in the crater?
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{\an2}It is me. It was taken
by Sam Campbell, there we are.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}Well done, Steve.
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{\an2}That's going to take
some beating, I tell you.
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{\an2}And I'm not a betting man,
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{\an2}but I know the woman
least likely to beat it.
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{\an2}Or am I wrong?
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{\an2}I've got a mystic ball.
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{\an2}You've got one of them, haven't you?
Got two, two. Oh!
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{\an2}I've just, in my head, said,
"Will Nick win Taskmaster?"
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{\an2}It says "very likely".
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{\an2}So, it's broken.
LAUGHTER
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{\an2}"Will Greg find love?"
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{\an2}Will Greg find love?
"Cannot foretell - but no."
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{\an2}"Cannot foretell - but no."
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{\an2}You've added the "no," yeah?
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{\an2}I added the "no,"
it felt more appropriate.
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{\an2}My niece has got one of those.
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{\an2}They're good, aren't they? Yeah.
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{\an2}John. Greg, you and I are
both childless men.
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{\an2}And, er... Thank you.
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{\an2}Nice to know I'll never find love...
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00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:56,000
{\an2}..and to be reminded that
the line stops with me.
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{\an2}I see that as a positive that
affords us certain luxuries.
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{\an2}Correct.
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{\an2}So, I have brought you
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{\an2}a giant honeycomb ball covered
in chocolate.
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{\an7}LAUGHTER
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00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,200
{\an8}I have a very specific technique
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{\an2}with the honeycomb balls
covered in chocolate.
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{\an2}I'll pop some coffee in my mouth.
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{\an2}Then I'll pop the sphere in.
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{\an2}And I'll allow the coffee to melt
through to the honeycomb. Ohh.
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{\an2}And I've already thought,
looking at that,
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{\an2}I'll have to chuck
a cup of coffee on there.
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{\an2}You could slice the top off,
pour the coffee in, and then...
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{\an2}God. ..suck it out.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}Keep talking,
you silver-tongued devil.
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{\an2}Nick. Hi, Greg.
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{\an2}I would say I'm somewhere between
Sophie and John.
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{\an2}In terms of quality.
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{\an2}In terms of quality. OK.
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{\an2}But, yeah, but I...
LAUGHTER
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{\an2}..I have bought in bath pearls.
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{\an2}Ohh!
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{\an2}Here they are.
Absolutely wonderful.
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{\an2}Very big in the '80s.
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{\an2}I think peaked in the '90s.
Pbbt!
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{\an2}No, no, no, hang on. Hang on Greg.
Honest to God, gut instinct?
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{\an2}I think this is going to do
worse than Sophie. Worse.
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{\an2}Tell you the reason why I love them.
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{\an2}It's a very specific memory
from childhood,
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{\an2}but in my mum and dad's house,
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{\an2}there was a little room which was
called the spare room.
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{\an2}Ooh, that's an interesting
name for it.
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{\an2}And at Christmas-time, Mum and Dad
would, like, kind of get ahead,
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{\an2}and they'd wrap up some presents
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{\an2}and it always used to smell of
bath pearls that room. Ah.
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{\an2}SOPHIE: Is that it?
That's it.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}Joanne. I honestly don't think
I can follow bath pearls.
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{\an2}You can.
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{\an2}So, my present this week,
it's a globe bar.
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{\an2}I mean, I know you like a drink.
I like a drink.
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{\an2}Why not get pissed on top
of the world?
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{\an2}And then, vomit on Wales,
or whatever you like to do.
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{\an2}We're talking about me here, yeah?
Well, yeah whatever.
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{\an2}OK, yeah, yeah. We could put
a woman in it, if you like.
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{\an2}That'd be interesting.
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{\an2}Nick in a wig.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}I'll do that.
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{\an2}He'll pop out for your birthday.
Yeah, I mean it...
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{\an2}..it does make the prize more
exciting to me... Does it?
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{\an2}..if I opened it to get myself a
drink, and Nick was in there. Yeah!
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{\an2}With some bath pearls.
With some bath pearls.
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{\an2}OK. You ready?
Five splendid spheres.
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{\an2}Yes, oh, pointing already. Yeah.
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{\an2}I'm sorry Nick, 1 point for
your rubbish bath pearls.
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{\an2}That's all right. Er, you'll take
2 points, and thank me for it.
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{\an2}2 to Sophie. 3, incredible -
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{\an2}I mean, you can't have thought
you'd get 3 for that tat. What?!
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{\an2}I thought it was going to win it.
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{\an2}I was so confident with that.
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{\an2}I've brought a bar, like,
what do you want?!
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an2}JOHN: He wants the moon.
He wants the moon!
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{\an2}I do want the moon.
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{\an1}APPLAUSE
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{\an2}Obviously, John's mega
chocolate-covered honeycomb ball
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{\an2}will take 4 points.
Lovely, well done, John.
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00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,840
{\an2}And, you know, who could deny
him 5 points?
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{\an2}Well done, Steve Pemberton.
There it is.
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{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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{\an2}Right, what's first Alex?
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{\an2}Well, I just can't believe
it's that time of year again.
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{\an2}It's the greatest day in
the Gregorian Davies calendar.
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{\an2}This one's for the little guys.
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{\an2}NICK: Right.
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00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:28,080
{\an2}Hello. Hi, hi.
Welcome to my flexible work space.
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{\an2}Oh, right.
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{\an2}Oh, smells nice in here.
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{\an2}Sort of smells like
a National Trust...something.
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{\an2}This is where I stay.
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{\an2}This is where the magic
doesn't happen.
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{\an2}Sometimes happens.
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{\an2}Sure.
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{\an2}Is this is where you live?
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{\an2}And this is me. That's very sweet.
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{\an2}You've got a calendar out. Hmm.
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{\an2}Oh, that's sad, isn't it? Asleep.
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{\an2}Asleep by a tree. Yeah.
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{\an2}"Create a new tradition
to celebrate Assistant's...Day.
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00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,920
{\an2}"Most notable new tradition wins.
183
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,920
{\an2}"You must demonstrate your
tradition in the next 30 minutes.
184
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,200
{\an2}"Your time starts now."
185
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,280
{\an2}Guy Fawkes has his fireworks,
doesn't he? He does.
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00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,200
{\an2}People like me don't have
anything at the moment.
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{\an2}No, you don't, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
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00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,640
{\an2}What day is Assistant's Day?
189
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:19,760
{\an2}Look in the calendar.
190
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,040
{\an2}Ah! April the 20th.
191
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,400
{\an2}There is an Assistant's Day,
192
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,640
{\an2}an official Professional
Administrative's Day.
193
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:31,240
{\an2}Right, well, this is going
to help us a little bit. Yeah.
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00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:33,680
{\an2}Oh! Christ. It's my fault.
195
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,080
{\an2}Yeah, it's OK.
196
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,800
{\an2}I feel like Assistant's Day is
for one day you are the assisted.
197
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,120
{\an2}So, you'll help me.
198
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:41,160
{\an1}HE LAUGHS
199
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,360
{\an2}There was a man called Butch...
Yeah. ..who broke this table.
200
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,520
{\an2}Really? Yeah. OK.
201
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:47,600
{\an2}Big guy.
202
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,880
{\an2}Trying to think about you -
you've got your beard.
203
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,280
{\an2}You've got your clipboard.
204
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:55,000
{\an2}Personality.
205
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,960
{\an2}You've got a great personality.
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00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,320
{\an2}Erm...
LAUGHTER
207
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,240
{\an2}Might have a little walk
and a little think. Mm-hm.
208
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,000
{\an2}Everybody who comes on
the show and who meets Alex
209
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:12,400
{\an2}says what a nice guy he is,
210
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,920
{\an2}but I hope this task that he's set,
211
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,920
{\an2}once and for all, reveals what
a disgusting egomaniac,
212
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:23,360
{\an2}and what an absolute
narcissist he is. Hmm.
213
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,520
{\an2}Erm, but I'm happy to let you
have your moment.
214
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:28,080
{\an2}Assistant's Day it is.
Thanks, Greg.
215
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,000
{\an2}Let's crack on. OK.
216
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:33,880
{\an2}First to celebrate Assistant's Day
are Soph' and Stev'.
217
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,600
{\an2}Here we go.
218
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:39,480
{\an2}SOPHIE: Right. So, what I've got
is like a-a song that,
219
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,680
{\an2}on Assistant Day, people sing.
220
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:42,960
{\an2}So, nobody's got a choice.
221
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,240
{\an2}You could even start, and Greg'd
have to join in. Anybody.
222
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,160
{\an1}STEVE GROANS
223
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:51,960
{\an2}Steve! Hey! How are you?
224
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,560
{\an2}Not bad. Good seeing you.
225
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,120
{\an2}April the 20th, innit?
226
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,760
{\an2}April 20th today, yeah.
227
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,200
{\an2}One, two, three, go.
228
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,600
{\an2}BOTH: # Tick that box,
cross off the list.
229
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,600
{\an2}# Doo-de-lu-do,
Doo-de-lu-do
230
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,120
{\an2}# Assistant's Day! #
231
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,440
{\an2}Oh...oh, no.
232
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,880
{\an2}Happy Assistant's Day.
Hey, speaking of which,
233
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,840
{\an2}you know what we've got to do on
20th of April, don't you?
234
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,160
{\an2}The tradition.
Right, you ready for it, then?
235
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,480
{\an2}I'm ready, I love it.
You got it? I've got it.
236
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,080
{\an1}BOTH GROAN
237
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:30,400
{\an2}BOTH: # On Assistant's Day,
we shout hooray!
238
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,520
{\an2}# We drink a toast to
helping folk... #
239
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,360
{\an2}Ah!
240
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,160
{\an2}Hey! Ah!
241
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,160
{\an2}See you next year? Yeah,
I'll see you at Assistantbury.
242
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,320
{\an2}Bye-bye. Take care.
243
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,480
{\an2}Thanks, Sophie.
Thanks for the song.
244
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,640
{\an2}# Doo-de-lu-do, doo-de-lu-do
245
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,000
{\an2}BOTH: # Assistant's Day! #
246
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:06,000
{\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
247
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,440
{\an2}I mean, I imagine there are
PAs across the land
248
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,160
{\an2}screaming into their hands.
249
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,520
{\an2}That's just the song.
250
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,520
{\an2}Er, assistants get
to sing that song?
251
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,240
{\an2}# Tick that box, check off the list
252
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,360
{\an2}# Doo-de-lu-do... #
Yeah, yeah, we saw it.
253
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,320
{\an1}LAUGHTER
254
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,600
{\an2}It's a reminder of
how busy they are.
255
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,720
{\an2}Right. Is it something
you'd enjoy doing?
256
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,920
{\an2}I did enjoy doing it.
On once a year? Yeah.
257
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,600
{\an2}For ten seconds?
258
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,480
{\an2}Both of those things
made me very happy.
259
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:33,960
{\an2}I think great minds think alike.
260
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,720
{\an2}Yeah? I think it's what kicks off
Assistant's Day.
261
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,040
{\an2}Hmm. What, a forward roll
with a glass of water
262
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,880
{\an2}in your fucking hand?Yes!
LAUGHTER
263
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,760
{\an2}You did promise me you knew the
trick where you could do a roly poly
264
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,600
{\an2}and keep the glass of water full.
Yes, I did.
265
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:47,600
{\an2}Neither of us could do that.
No, no.
266
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,040
{\an2}My God. What a terrible start.
267
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,240
{\an2}Right, well, that's
the end of part one...
268
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,640
{\an2}And there'll be more Assistant's Day
celebrations coming up in part two.
269
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,400
{\an2}Thanks, guys. Lovely to...
270
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:03,600
{\an2}Ahh!
271
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,880
{\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
272
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,120
{\an2}Hello! And welcome to Taskmaster,
273
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,520
{\an2}where, for some grim, vain reason,
274
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,360
{\an2}we're celebrating the man
next to me.
275
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,800
{\an2}Not satisfied with flogging the
format around the world, are you?!
276
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,880
{\an2}# Doo-de-lu-do, doo-de-lu-do,
Assistant's Day! #
277
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:29,480
{\an2}Now it's time for some more admin
adulation with John and Joanne.
278
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:32,840
{\an2}What an assistant loves more than
anything else on earth is paper.
279
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,600
{\an2}It's your photocopier,
it's your printer,
280
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,120
{\an2}it's your to-do list.
281
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,680
{\an2}So, come with me, Alex,
we're going to make you your
282
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,920
{\an2}Assistant's Day paper suit.
Great.
283
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,240
{\an2}So, you're going to just going
to chill out today,
284
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,280
{\an2}and enjoy your Assistant's Day.
285
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,680
{\an2}Just make sure you don't
try and assist,
286
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,480
{\an2}cos that is your natural way. OK.
287
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:56,200
{\an2}We're going to go and say
"no" to the bad man.
288
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:57,600
{\an2}R...Right.
289
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,320
{\an2}Shoulder to elbow, please.
290
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,480
{\an2}33 centimetres, wasn't it?
Mm-hm.
291
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,320
{\an2}Just need to sew these together.
292
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:07,880
{\an2}There we go.
293
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,360
{\an2}Here he is, OK.
294
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,240
{\an2}Repeat after me. "No!"
295
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:17,280
{\an2}No!
296
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,200
{\an2}"I'm my own man today."
297
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,920
{\an2}I'm a m... I am a...
298
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,040
{\an2}"Own man."
299
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,160
{\an2}I am my own man today.
300
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,160
{\an2}"Not today, Satan."
301
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,760
{\an2}Come on, it's your day.
302
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,640
{\an2}Not today, Satan!
303
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,680
{\an2}Good boy. Yeah?
You're doing so well today.
304
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,160
{\an2}Er, and we'll do this every...
305
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,440
{\an2}Once a year. ..once a year.
306
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:40,040
{\an2}Now, you'll have to assist me
a bit while you're in the pram,
307
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,840
{\an2}cos it's - you're heavy.
Is it a pram?
308
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,880
{\an2}Yes, of course it's a pram.
What else is it?
309
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:45,840
{\an2}I thought it was a regal trolley.
310
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,840
{\an2}To-may-to, tom-ah-ato.
311
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,600
{\an1}DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
312
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,760
{\an1}APPLAUSE
313
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:03,840
{\an2}No!
314
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,280
{\an2}"No!" No!
315
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,680
{\an2}"No assisting today, it's my day!"
316
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,880
{\an2}No! But you are going to have
to get me my lunch though.
317
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:12,520
{\an2}Oh, really? Yeah.
318
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,680
{\an2}You want it now? Yeah.
319
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,240
{\an2}Would you...?
You wait there, I'll get the menus.
320
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:18,800
{\an2}W-Will you help me out?
321
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:19,840
{\an2}No.
322
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,560
{\an2}Take a load off your boxes.
Cheers, John. Cheers.
323
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,600
{\an2}Thank you so much.
324
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,320
{\an2}I love Assistant's Day.
325
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,520
{\an1}APPLAUSE
326
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,560
{\an2}"Not today, Satan," yeah?
327
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,400
{\an2}I mean, I sort of get -
I get the logic.
328
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,400
{\an2}Why should they have to walk
on that special day?
329
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,400
{\an2}Exactly, and Alex is,
330
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,800
{\an2}he-he assists, he's assist...
he's assistable...
331
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,360
{\an2}Ah? He-He's assisting by nature.
332
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,800
{\an2}Is this a remix?
333
00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,680
{\an1}SHE MIMICKS
334
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,240
{\an2}His natural way is to
assist and help.
335
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,880
{\an2}Love it, yeah. So, the only way
to stop him assisting is to...
336
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,160
{\an2}..put him in a pram.
I like the empowerment.
337
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,160
{\an2}You were getting him to shouting...
Yeah. ..sort of...
338
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,280
{\an2}He was asserting himself.
Hmm. Yeah.
339
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,280
{\an2}I did enjoy it.
I felt quite emboldened.
340
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,880
{\an2}Did you? He did. "No!"
341
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:21,000
{\an2}You looked like a
helpless adult in a trolley.
342
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,840
{\an2}John, I would like to celebrate
your tailoring skills.
343
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,480
{\an2}It's an amazing paper suit.
344
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,160
{\an2}My question is,
have I missed a metaphor?
345
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,560
{\an2}Er, outside of, it's an assistant
who's covered in paper?
346
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,480
{\an2}For Assistant's Day... Yeah.
347
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:40,040
{\an2}..assistants get to dress in their
favourite thing, which is paper.
348
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,720
{\an2}Is it?Yes.
LAUGHTER
349
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,560
{\an2}Because they love paper.
350
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,400
{\an2}Also, I didn't want to...
But, yeah...
351
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,800
{\an2}I think the basis of
your celebration is that
352
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,880
{\an2}all assistants love paper.
353
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,120
{\an2}Yeah, big time.
354
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,120
{\an2}Have you seen this guy's
dressing room?
355
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:56,600
{\an2}It's like a hamster's cage.
356
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,080
{\an1}LAUGHTER
357
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,920
{\an2}I just think it's going to depress
assistants. # Doo-de-lu-do. #
358
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,200
{\an2}Who's next? It's Nick Mohammed.
359
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,000
{\an2}How are you? Well, I'm great,
cos it's Assistant's Day.
360
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,560
{\an2}It is, it's Assistant's Day
so here we go.
361
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:15,720
{\an2}Well, this is sort of specifically
for you, but also,
362
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,000
{\an2}for assistants sort of everywhere.
363
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:19,280
{\an2}You ready?
364
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,880
{\an2}Ha-ha! OK.
365
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,080
{\an1}HE PLAYS A GENTLE BALLAD
NICK HUMS ALONG
366
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,040
{\an2}# He assists us and helps us
367
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:30,160
{\an2}# He's persistent and selfless
368
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:31,360
{\an2}# He's Alex Horne
369
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,800
{\an2}# He is quite tall
370
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:35,560
{\an2}# A welcome thorn in all our sides
371
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:40,240
{\an2}# Not just there for the ride,
he is there by your side
372
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,800
{\an2}# When things get tough,
when things get weird
373
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,800
{\an2}# He's always there with
his nice beard
374
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:50,440
{\an2}# But this is a song
for assistants worldwide
375
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:55,000
{\an2}# For their endless assistance
to all humankind
376
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:59,920
{\an2}# An assistant's existence
should not be downplayed
377
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:03,720
{\an2}# So on this day,
let's celebrate and appreciate
378
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:07,440
{\an2}# and ruminate on Assistant's Day,
Assistant's Day,
379
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,000
{\an2}# Assistant's Day
380
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:12,480
{\an2}# And specifical-lay Alex Horne... #
381
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,280
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
382
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:18,760
{\an2}Thank you.
383
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,520
{\an2}I feel like I took it
too seriously.
384
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,080
{\an2}I think maybe I'm having
a breakdown, but I felt...
385
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,680
{\an2}I-I felt quite emotional.
386
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,200
{\an1}LAUGHTER
387
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,040
{\an2}..cos I was just like this.
388
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,680
{\an2}"Sing to me, Nick."
389
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,640
{\an2}I thought it was really lovely,
Nick. Thanks, Greg.
390
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,200
{\an2}And where do you imagine it
being played - at the beginning
391
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,560
{\an2}of Assistant's Day, or is there
an event of some kind?
392
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,120
{\an2}Ah, I think it's that kind of thing,
almost like in - at Christmas,
393
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,920
{\an2}there's carols, so I think you can
sing it maybe up to the lead-up
394
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,320
{\an2}to Assistant's Day.
Ooh, really?
395
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:50,720
{\an2}And then, on the day itself.
396
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:54,160
{\an2}And then, maybe the day after,
but not much after that. Oh, OK.
397
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:58,040
{\an2}I-I guess on the day after,
it might start to grate. Yes.
398
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,080
{\an2}I'll give some points out. OK.
399
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:03,520
{\an2}We're saying Sophie 1 point -
and deservedly so, aren't we? Right.
400
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:07,160
{\an2}I celebrated the assistant,
didn't humiliate the assistant.
401
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,880
{\an2}Yeah, fine, you can have 2 points.
LAUGHTER
402
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,440
{\an2}And you'll thank me for them.
403
00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:13,520
{\an2}Think I'm going to give
the paper suit 3 points.
404
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,720
{\an2}I'm going to give Joanne 4,
but you know, I've been horrible
405
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,560
{\an2}to him over the years, so...
Yeah. ..he should have one day off.
406
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,880
{\an2}Thank you, Joanne.
It's not today, you prick.
407
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,040
{\an1}LAUGHTER
408
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,800
{\an2}Ah, and you know what?
What a hauntingly beautiful way
409
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:28,440
{\an2}to start Assistant's Day, listening
to Nick's lovely, uplifting song.
410
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,640
{\an2}5 points to Nick. There you go.
Congratulations, Nick Mohammed!
411
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,560
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
412
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,440
{\an2}Can I have a scoreboard,
please, Alex?
413
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,120
{\an2}Yes, and once again,
it's 7, 7, 7 at the top.
414
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,520
{\an2}Joanne, John, and Steve
joint leaders.
415
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,800
{\an1}APPLAUSE
416
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,920
{\an2}Right! What have we got next,
then, Alex?
417
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,320
{\an2}Well, this is a task where they all
participated in our progressive
418
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,560
{\an2}aerobic cardiovascular endurance run
- and I'm not even joking.
419
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,000
{\an2}Stop it, here we go!
420
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,000
{\an2}Joanne McNally.
421
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,800
{\an2}Alex...whatever.
422
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,240
{\an2}Alex Horne.
423
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,600
{\an2}Lovely to see you.
424
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,560
{\an2}Absolutely love to see you, too.
425
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,960
{\an2}John. Alex.
426
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,440
{\an2}Right, ooh!
Oh, it jumped off, Sophie.
427
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,560
{\an2}I know it's ready for me,
that's what it is.
428
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:26,960
{\an2}Have you been up to much?
429
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,160
{\an2}Erm, no, I've just been preparing
every possible outcome
430
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,760
{\an2}for this task, so whatever it is,
431
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,840
{\an2}I'm pretty sure I've already
thought of it.
432
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,240
{\an2}NICK:Oh, here we go.
HE LAUGHS
433
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:38,560
{\an2}"Peg a BLEEP sock.
434
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,360
{\an2}"Bin a BLEEP sock.
435
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,240
{\an2}"Then BLEEP...
436
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,760
{\an8}"..don aBLEEPsock on
anBLEEPappendage.
437
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,920
{\an8}"Then BLEEP don a BLEEP sock
438
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,200
{\an8}"on a BLEEP appendage."
439
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,600
{\an2}Peg, bin, don.
440
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,200
{\an2}Peg, bin, don, is it?
441
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,520
{\an2}SOPHIE: So, OK so I get that.
442
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:59,040
{\an2}Throw one, one on the peg,
put one on my body.
443
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:04,960
{\an2}"Each single BLEEP action must take
place between BLEEP bleeps."
444
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,960
{\an2}"Most BLEEP bleeps damn wins."
445
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,160
{\an2}Sounds like my mother.
446
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:14,320
{\an2}"Your BLEEP time BLEEP well
starts when the BLEEP bleeps start
447
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:17,520
{\an2}"and BLEEP ends when you miss
a BLEEP bleep."
448
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,480
{\an2}It's really fun to do that,
in't it?
449
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,080
{\an2}To warn you, the bleeps will start
far apart, but they'll get closer.
450
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,680
{\an2}Oh, like the bleep test at school?
451
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:24,880
{\an2}It's like the bleep test at school.
452
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,360
{\an2}"Your time starts when
the bleeps start,
453
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,280
{\an2}"and ends when you miss a bleep."
454
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,360
{\an2}Peg. Bin.
455
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,680
{\an2}And then, don.
456
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:36,960
{\an2}Does that make sense?
457
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,760
{\an2}Er, not really.
458
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,640
{\an2}Let the bleeps commence! Oh, God.
459
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,440
{\an1}APPLAUSE
460
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,280
{\an2}Tell me about the bleep test
at school, Nick, what was that?
461
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,600
{\an2}When you all sat down at the -
one end of the sports hall,
462
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,880
{\an2}and they do a bleep, and then,
you run to the other end.
463
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,960
{\an2}Then you've gotta run back before
the sound of the next bleep.
464
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,840
{\an2}Am I the only one who hasn't done
the bleep test?
465
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,760
{\an2}Then they speed up, then they do...
You've all done the bleep test.
466
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,120
{\an2}CROWD: Yes.
Sorry. Right.
467
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,600
{\an2}I haven't done a bleep test, Greg.
Ah, I see. Yeah.
468
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,040
{\an1}LAUGHTER
469
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,400
{\an2}I-I see what's happening here, yes.
470
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,160
{\an2}Of course, our version of that
was we used to ride
471
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,720
{\an2}a penny farthing to school.
472
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,840
{\an2}There is one more thing
I want to say.
473
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,440
{\an2}IN FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: Appendage.
474
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,480
{\an2}IN FRENCH PRONUNCIATION:
Appendage. Appendage.
475
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:23,800
{\an2}I'm appalled at myself.
476
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,040
{\an2}I've a degree in English,
how embarrassing.
477
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,480
{\an2}First up, it's John and Nick.
478
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,880
{\an2}IN FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: Appendage!
479
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,360
{\an2}Peg, bin, don.
480
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,480
{\an2}May the bleeps commence.
481
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:38,680
{\an8}Will they be...?
BLEEP
482
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,000
{\an8}Oh, that's a bleep. OK.
So, peg a bleep.
483
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:42,480
{\an8}Don't peg a bleep.
484
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,120
{\an8}No, I won't.
485
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,040
{\an8}Ah!
486
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,680
{\an8}Oh, you've tied it to
the sodding thing!
487
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,160
{\an8}Is there a key for that?
488
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,880
{\an8}You've done one, peg.
489
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,360
{\an8}I'm going to take off the cloak.
490
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,400
{\an8}BLEEP
Oh, that was a bleep.
491
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,200
{\an8}There's gotta be a key for
that bin somewhere.
492
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,480
{\an8}I expect so, yeah.
493
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,640
{\an8}Over the shoe. Lovely.
494
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,080
{\an8}What's your system here, Nick?
495
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,480
{\an2}There and back, there and back.
Yeah, lovely.
496
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,160
{\an8}You've pegged and you've binned,
and you've donned.
497
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,360
{\an8}Peg, bin, don.
498
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,280
{\an8}Now what I'm thinking is...
just move everything a bit closer.
499
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,320
{\an8}Oh.
500
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,600
{\an8}Oh, yeah, I see.
501
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,000
{\an7}BLEEP
502
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:44,200
{\an7}BLEEP
503
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,600
{\an8}Have you found the key?
Yeah, I've found the key.
504
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,280
{\an8}Must be before the next bleep.
505
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:56,880
{\an8}That's on.
BLEEP
506
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,880
{\an8}Just in time there, Nick.
It was on.
507
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:01,880
{\an8}BLEEP
Fuck.
508
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,680
{\an8}Peg, bin, don.
509
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,600
{\an8}Oh, there's a key on it!
510
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:30,920
{\an8}Don.
511
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,000
{\an8}Peg, bin, don.
512
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:34,400
{\an8}Peg is next.
513
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,600
{\an8}Pegs.
514
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,160
{\an7}LAUGHTER
515
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:41,840
{\an8}BUZZER
Oh!
516
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,080
{\an8}Oh, did you miss one? Oh.
517
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,840
{\an2}You covered a lot of ground there.
Whoo! Whoo!
518
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:49,640
{\an8}Peg.
519
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,200
{\an8}Bin.
520
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,240
{\an8}Don.
521
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,480
{\an8}Peg. Bin.
522
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,440
{\an8}Don.
523
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,760
{\an8}BUZZER
Ah, I missed the beep.Oh.
524
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,120
{\an2}Bye John.
525
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:02,680
{\an1}APPLAUSE
526
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,320
{\an2}It's quite incredible how
seriously you take some things.
527
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:09,760
{\an2}Even I started to think it was
a fucking sport. Oh, hello.
528
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:14,120
{\an2}Well, when you've been playing peg,
bin, don as long I have... Yeah.
529
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,960
{\an2}..you just want to try it in
different terrains, different, er,
530
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,400
{\an2}weather conditions and stuff.
It was a nice day.
531
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,480
{\an2}The wind was in a good place for me.
532
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:25,000
{\an2}LAUGHTER
Erm...sun was shining.
533
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:28,920
{\an2}This is a great post-match
interview, I'm really enjoying it.
534
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,360
{\an2}Nick, I did write down
that you take defeat well.
535
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,560
{\an2}Oh, thank you. Something, innit?
536
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,640
{\an2}I genuinely believe
that you learn a lot more
537
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,840
{\an2}from failure than success. Yeah.
But which do you prefer?
538
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:41,880
{\an1}LAUGHTER
539
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,600
{\an1}LOUDLY SMACKS LIPS
540
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:44,720
{\an2}What's that?
541
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,160
{\an2}That's me savouring success.
542
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,560
{\an2}Oh. Just how I do it.
543
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,520
{\an2}What about when you fail?
544
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:53,160
{\an2}Pbbbbt! Er...
545
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,480
{\an2}Don't know why I did that.
Is that me shitting?
546
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:56,680
{\an1}LAUGHTER
547
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:59,320
{\an2}Is that me pooing myself?
I just had a real out-of-body
548
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:01,880
{\an2}experience where I just
realised I was doing that,
549
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,640
{\an2}and it was being filmed.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
550
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:06,560
{\an2}I think, maybe all the sarcastic
things I've said to you
551
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:10,080
{\an2}have built up, and that was
the release. Yeah. Came out.
552
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:11,840
{\an2}Right, that's the end of part two.
553
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,880
{\an2}Alex, please, would you perform
a haiku for everybody?
554
00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:18,560
{\an2}Coo!
555
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:19,800
{\an2}Comedy! Comedy!
556
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:30,120
{\an2}Hello there!
557
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:32,680
{\an2}Welcome to the third part of
the show, where there's
558
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,200
{\an2}an old-school bleep test under way.
559
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:38,200
{\an2}Big time. Yes, they've got to
peg a sock, bin a sock,
560
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,640
{\an2}then don a sock on an appendage.
561
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,040
{\an2}Each action taking place
between the bleeps.
562
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,800
{\an2}So, let's see how Sophie
and Joanne got on.
563
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:49,160
{\an2}So, it's peg first. Good.
564
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:50,200
{\an8}Peg a sock. Yeah.
565
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,560
{\an8}It doesn't say peg to the line.
Sure it doesn't.
566
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,280
{\an8}Oh! Thinking outside the box.
567
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,400
{\an8}Oh, so you've just pegged it, OK.
568
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,320
{\an8}Do you think binning means
putting it in a bin,
569
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:01,480
{\an8}or are you just going to bin?
570
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,440
{\an2}I thought "bin it"
as in "get rid of it". Fine.
571
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:04,760
{\an2}Is that...? It's up to you.
572
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:06,360
{\an2}Oh, I have it!
573
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,520
{\an8}I'm bringing them all to
the same place.
574
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:09,800
{\an8}Right.
575
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,000
{\an2}An ear's an appendage, isn't it?
576
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,800
{\an2}That's an appendage.
Yeah, lovely. Lovely appendage.
577
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,080
{\an8}Oh, no! Oh. You...
578
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,040
{\an8}What have you done to my basket?
Sorry.
579
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,440
{\an2}Cool. Are you happy with
your technique?
580
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:25,840
{\an2}Oh. Lovely.
581
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:29,440
{\an8}Right.
582
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:33,760
{\an8}Very casual.
583
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,160
{\an8}It's very casual, isn't it?
584
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,520
{\an8}We could have brunch.
585
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,640
{\an8}Lovely. Thank you. Peg.
586
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:49,840
{\an2}So, you're saying
the head is an appendage.
587
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,080
{\an2}Yeah, it's a head, in't it? Yeah.
588
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:53,480
{\an7}LAUGHTER
589
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:02,560
{\an2}An appendage is just something
that you might stick
590
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:04,120
{\an2}a plaster on, in't it?
591
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,520
{\an8}Which is a head.
592
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:09,720
{\an8}In my case.
593
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,440
{\an8}Oh, fuck.
594
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:14,520
{\an8}This is the sportiest thing
I've ever done, so...
595
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,400
{\an8}Oh, Jesus.
596
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:17,520
{\an1}BLEEP
597
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:18,840
{\an2}BUZZER
Uh-oh!
598
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,160
{\an1}WHISTLE BLOWS
599
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,200
{\an2}Appendage.
600
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,360
{\an2}God, it's really complicated.
601
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,200
{\an8}Peg. Yeah, you've gotta be
quick now. Right, sh.
602
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,880
{\an2}Sorry. Sorry. Oh, no.
603
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,080
{\an2}BUZZER
Peg. Ah no, I lost my peg!
604
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,240
{\an2}Oh, no. Ah.
605
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,480
{\an2}It's intense, that, weren't it?
Yeah.
606
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,240
{\an1}APPLAUSE
607
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,240
{\an2}Joanne's having a blinder today,
in't she? Oh, yeah.
608
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:44,120
{\an2}It's the first task that
I've kind of read between
609
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:45,480
{\an2}the lines of the task.
610
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:49,000
{\an2}Yeah. Now let's talk about the
definition of binning something.
611
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,680
{\an1}LAUGHTER
612
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,480
{\an2}Bin it off. You're the sort of
person who chucks crisp bags
613
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:56,840
{\an2}out of your car, aren't you?
614
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,520
{\an2}Yeah, I mean, binning can
mean get rid of.
615
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,960
{\an2}Thank you. I got rid of 'em...
616
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,520
{\an2}It can. Is the dictionary
definition "get rid of"?
617
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:05,560
{\an2}Bin. To bin it off.
618
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,320
{\an2}Get rid of? They're still existing.
619
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:08,960
{\an2}Bin it! They're just behind her.
620
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,880
{\an2}Bin it. I-I'm aware of
the casual use of "bin it".
621
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,200
{\an2}I just don't whether I approve.
622
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,120
{\an2}I think it's people like you
who are bringing our country down.
623
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,200
{\an2}LAUGHTER
Who's next?
624
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,800
{\an2}OK, finally, it's time to see
the multi-award-winning actor
625
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,800
{\an2}and writer Steve Pemberton
in a different sort of light.
626
00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:26,840
{\an8}OK, come on.
627
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,800
{\an8}Ohh, BLEEP!
628
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:33,240
{\an8}Oh, orange peg for an orange sock.
629
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:34,440
{\an2}Bonus point.
630
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:38,680
{\an8}"Most bleeps wins" -
now I've got to bin a sock
631
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,320
{\an2}before the next bleep.
632
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:43,320
{\an2}After the next bleep!
633
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,000
{\an2}So I, er, where's the bin?
634
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:47,600
{\an8}There's a bin here.
You ready for your sock?
635
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:48,800
{\an2}GRUFF VOICE: "Yes."
636
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:50,800
{\an2}You hungry?
"I'm starving!"
637
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:51,920
{\an2}You want a BLEEP sock?
638
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:53,640
{\an2}"Yeah, gimme a BLEEP sock!"
639
00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:56,280
{\an2}You sure?
"Yeah! Gimme a BLEEP sock now!"
640
00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:57,920
{\an2}All right, you BLEEP, calm down!
641
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,240
{\an2}"Stop being a BLEEP
and gimme a sock!"
642
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,440
{\an2}Jesus. There's your sock.
643
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:07,560
{\an8}Very rude bin.
644
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:09,480
{\an8}OK, "Don a sock on an appendage."
645
00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:12,720
{\an8}So, I've already got one in my hand.
646
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,320
{\an2}There we go.
647
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:16,840
{\an2}GRUFF VOICE: "Mother BLEEP."
648
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,240
{\an2}I hope I've done that right.
649
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,040
{\an2}Have you finished?
650
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:29,800
{\an8}BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP,
BLEEP, BLEEP...
651
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,920
{\an2}..er, nipples...
BLEEP
652
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:33,360
{\an2}Yes, finished.
653
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:36,800
{\an2}I don't know what I'm meant to do!
654
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:40,760
{\an2}Well, all the information's
on the task, Steve.
655
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:42,600
{\an2}I hope I've not made
a fool of myself.
656
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,880
{\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
657
00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:51,840
{\an2}I just heard "most bleeps wins".
658
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,520
{\an2}There were loads of bleeps!
659
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:55,840
{\an1}LAUGHTER
660
00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:57,360
{\an2}I think I should win.
661
00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:58,560
{\an2}S...
662
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,320
{\an2}"Most bleeps wins."
663
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:05,640
{\an2}So, your understanding of that task
was person who swears the most...
664
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,520
{\an2}Yeah. I thought the socks were
a total irrelevance.
665
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:09,720
{\an2}Right.
666
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:14,560
{\an1}APPLAUSE
667
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:17,920
{\an2}I mean, I'm happy to count
the swearing bleeps as bleeps.
668
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:19,760
{\an2}Because it won't affect the scores.
669
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:21,040
{\an1}LAUGHTER
670
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:22,840
{\an2}What was your favourite
swear word you used?
671
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:24,080
{\an2}Erm...
672
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:29,120
{\an1}LAUGHTER
673
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:31,640
{\an2}It's just a bit of fun,
what's your favourite swear word?
674
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:32,960
{\an2}Jizz.
675
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:37,560
{\an2}Lovely. Can I have some scores,
please?
676
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:40,480
{\an2}Steve managed to generate
a total of 15 bleeps.
677
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:43,160
{\an2}Nick, 22, Sophie, 30,
678
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:45,680
{\an2}Joanne, 42 bleeps,
679
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:49,440
{\an2}John, 43, so he gets the 5 points.
Ooh!
680
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:52,000
{\an2}There we go, well done, John.
APPLAUSE
681
00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,400
{\an2}OK, and do you think we can have
one more task, Alex, please?
682
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:01,480
{\an2}Mm-hm, it's time to go back
of head to the lab.
683
00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:02,760
{\an2}Huh?
684
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:19,880
{\an2}Hello. Hello, Sophie.
685
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:23,760
{\an2}Ha-ha! Short back and sides, please.
686
00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:25,760
{\an1}LOUDLY CLEARS HIS THROAT
687
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:27,880
{\an2}Yes?
HE LAUGHS
688
00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:31,040
{\an2}That's how I enter.
That's how I usually enter a room.
689
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:34,160
{\an2}Ah, I can see myself and
the back of my head.
690
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,400
{\an2}Very rarely you get to see that.
691
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,160
{\an2}Ah, yeah. The old task.
692
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:39,520
{\an2}Yeah, I'm afraid so.
693
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:43,280
{\an2}"Make" - it's written backwards.
694
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:46,680
{\an2}Oh, no. God, that's hard, in't it?
695
00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:51,000
{\an2}"Heen, hoob...heeb."
696
00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:52,120
{\an2}That's an S, isn't it?
697
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,640
{\an2}They look like As backwards on
this typewriter. They do.
698
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,520
{\an2}"Need" - ooh. Oh, yeah.
699
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,280
{\an2}"Bermar"...
700
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:03,040
{\an2}Hold on a second here.
701
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:07,960
{\an2}"Be ambumbur."
702
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,480
{\an2}Something going on, in't there?
703
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:13,160
{\an2}Oh, for Christ's sake.
704
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:17,400
{\an2}Right, er, "Make the back of your
head look like the front of a head."
705
00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:18,600
{\an2}"Make the na...
706
00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:22,560
{\an2}"Make the back of your neeb..."
707
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:23,800
{\an2}What's a neeb?
708
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:25,080
{\an1}NICK LAUGHS
709
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:28,680
{\an2}"Make the back of your head
look like the front of your head.
710
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:30,960
{\an2}"You may not just make a mask."
711
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:34,480
{\an2}"You must demonstrate your new
front of head in action.
712
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:38,520
{\an2}"Most characterful
back/front head wins."
713
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:40,120
{\an2}Is there anything else in the room
714
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:42,840
{\an2}that could help you read that,
do you think? Oh, my f...
715
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:50,080
{\an2}That is a really good trick,
I have to say.
716
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:51,560
{\an2}"You have 15 minutes.
717
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,080
{\an2}"Your time starts...won."
718
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:57,560
{\an2}Typo. Finally.
719
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,800
{\an2}"Your time starts won."
720
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:01,080
{\an2}It's "now" backwards.
721
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:07,840
{\an2}"Most characterful back/front
head wins." All right.
722
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:12,680
{\an2}So...I would imagine
it's a bit of yellow.
723
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:17,880
{\an2}Oh, no, that's my precious.
724
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:20,560
{\an2}Can you see my nostrils?
725
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:21,920
{\an2}Biggest I've ever seen.
726
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:28,040
{\an2}So, I - that's what the ketchup's
for, obviously. Uh-huh.
727
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:31,120
{\an2}She's the kind of person
who listens to Gloria Gaynor.
728
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:33,680
{\an2}Let's dive in.
729
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,840
{\an2}What you thinking? Hello.
730
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:39,560
{\an2}This is very...Blue Peter back
in the day, isn't it?
731
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,880
{\an2}How old is she? She's about 50,
732
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,680
{\an2}and been through the menopause.
733
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:45,200
{\an2}She's on HRT.
734
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:48,000
{\an2}Oh, God. I hate you for this.
735
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:55,480
{\an2}Well, I'm very much looking forward
to meeting the lady who's into
736
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,960
{\an2}Gloria Gaynor and is...menopausal.
LAUGHTER
737
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,800
{\an2}You know that I am what I am,
she's had to accept herself.
738
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:03,920
{\an2}Yeah, you've got to,
haven't you? Yeah.
739
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:06,400
{\an2}Good, so we're doing some
back-of-the-head characters.
740
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,440
{\an2}Yes, most characterful
back of head wins.
741
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,960
{\an2}Let's start with Sophie
and Nick's characterful creations.
742
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:18,840
{\an2}Hello, where's the party at?
743
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:21,480
{\an2}Oh, hello, what -
oh, hello welcome to the party.
744
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,160
{\an2}Yeah, I'm having a great time.
745
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:27,360
{\an2}Don't know what your name is.
Er, Death.
746
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:29,640
{\an2}Death, right. Hello, Death.
747
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:32,520
{\an1}LAUGHTER
748
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:36,720
{\an2}LIGHT, AIRY VOICE: Hello.
749
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,880
{\an2}My name's Lesley,
750
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:40,720
{\an2}and I'm ready for my song.
751
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:42,440
{\an2}Hello, Lesley.
752
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,760
{\an2}SOMBER PIANO PLAYS
# Ooh
753
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:47,880
{\an2}# Ooh, ooh
754
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,440
{\an2}# Ooh! Ooh... #
755
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:53,320
{\an2}Ah, did you write
that yourself, Lesley?
756
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:54,640
{\an2}It's about my divorce.
757
00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:57,360
{\an2}Oh, sorry to hear that. Yeah.
758
00:34:57,400 --> 00:34:59,240
{\an2}Did he leave you,
or did you leave...?
759
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:00,960
{\an2}He left. He left.
760
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:03,480
{\an2}It was hard. But I'm back.
761
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,120
{\an2}I'm back.
762
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:07,960
{\an2}Thanks for inviting me.
763
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:09,080
{\an2}Pleasure, Death.
764
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,680
{\an2}Oh, hang on my...
my straw's come out my mouth.
765
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,440
{\an2}There we go.
766
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:17,040
{\an2}There you go, that's all right!
767
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:21,680
{\an2}Go, Lesley! You know?
768
00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:24,400
{\an2}Whoo! Whoo!
769
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:27,240
{\an1}APPLAUSE
770
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,480
{\an2}Did you feel there was some doubt
in your eyes when you said,
771
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:35,760
{\an2}"That was all right"?
772
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:38,040
{\an2}There was a touch of doubt.
773
00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:41,400
{\an2}I think I got really fixated on
the party blower thing.
774
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:43,000
{\an2}But I loved the party blower thing.
775
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:46,360
{\an2}So did I, but then,
that's the only thing it could do.
776
00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:49,720
{\an2}Not so.
The monocle swivelled into place.
777
00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:52,960
{\an2}That's true. There was a lot of
moving parts to that face.
778
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,080
{\an2}I think I'm too into it. Yeah.
779
00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:57,920
{\an2}LAUGHTER
I'm all right with that.
780
00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:01,080
{\an2}Erm, is Lesley the middle-aged lady,
781
00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:02,800
{\an2}she was from Sesame Street?
782
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:08,480
{\an2}I was just expecting something
a little bit more realistic.
783
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:12,160
{\an2}I thought, "I'm going to get drawn
into a woman's struggle here."
784
00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:14,200
{\an2}You know, someone who's been
through something.
785
00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:19,440
{\an2}Yes. And then, there was just some
goon with a sheet and two big...
786
00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:22,880
{\an2}Two big boggle eyes cellotaped
to the back of her head.
787
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:25,200
{\an2}I think you saw her, though,
didn't you? I saw her all right.
788
00:36:25,240 --> 00:36:27,920
{\an2}Lesley, she was there,
she was with you. She was there.
789
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:30,680
{\an2}I enjoyed it, albeit low-scoring.
790
00:36:30,720 --> 00:36:32,520
{\an2}OK, I'll bear that in mind. OK.
791
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:34,880
{\an2}That's three quarters of this
fine episode gone.
792
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:37,680
{\an2}There's a massive chocolate ball
and a mooning moon up for grabs,
793
00:36:37,720 --> 00:36:39,400
{\an2}so hurry back. We'll see you soon!
794
00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:40,880
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
795
00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:51,040
{\an2}Hello! It's the final
part of the show,
796
00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:53,480
{\an2}and there's still a task to
complete in the lab.
797
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:55,640
{\an2}Yes, that's right,
our cast are trying to make
798
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:58,200
{\an2}the back of their head look
like the front of a head.
799
00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:00,520
{\an2}Most characterful back/front
head wins.
800
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:03,080
{\an2}Steve Pemberton
and Joanne McNally are next.
801
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:05,600
{\an2}Oh, and here they come right now.
802
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,400
{\an2}BOXING BELL DINGS
Put 'em up!
803
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:10,600
{\an2}Put 'em up. Eh...
804
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:14,960
{\an2}I'm undefeated in 18 fights, eh?
805
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:18,440
{\an2}Floats like a battleship,
sings like a wasp!
806
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:23,080
{\an2}So, go on,
he fell asleep on the plane.
807
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,160
{\an2}You took his phone,
pointed to his face,
808
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,480
{\an2}opened it, and went into his DMs.
809
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:29,360
{\an2}IN ESSEX ACCENT:
"I went into his DMs.
810
00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:32,960
{\an2}"He's fuckin' cheating, in't he?
Some slag called Barbara,
811
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:34,520
{\an2}"fucking all over him!
812
00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:36,520
{\an2}"Sending naked photos
and everything,
813
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:37,920
{\an2}"and he's asking for it!"
814
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:41,800
{\an2}Come on, Alex.
I'm going to take you out.
815
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:43,400
{\an2}Come on! Are you a man or
a mouse? Come on!
816
00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:44,880
{\an2}Oh, you want me to come
and fight you?
817
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:46,800
{\an2}I want you to come and fight me!
Oh, I'd love to.
818
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,400
{\an2}I can take you. Jab.
819
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:51,720
{\an2}Are you a south paw? Er...
820
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:52,760
{\an1}BLOW LANDS
821
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:54,400
{\an2}Oh, yeah, oh, you got me
really good.
822
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:58,120
{\an2}Ah! Yeah! I love you, Adrienne!
823
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:02,200
{\an2}You're joking.
"Fuckin' knew he was cheating."
824
00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:04,840
{\an2}Fucking knew it. When the
phone's face-down during dinner,
825
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:07,360
{\an2}when they bring it to the toilet.
"That's it, innit?
826
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:11,000
{\an2}"That's when I knew he was
mugging me off, didn't I?
827
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:13,080
{\an2}"Eh? I'm ragin'!"
828
00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:15,480
{\an2}Oh!
829
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:19,480
{\an1}APPLAUSE
830
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:25,440
{\an2}When I first saw it, Steve,
and you going, "Urgh," I thought,
831
00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:28,480
{\an2}"He's lost his fucking mind."
LAUGHTER
832
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,760
{\an2}And then, I went,
"Cauliflower ears." Clever. Hmm.
833
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:33,160
{\an2}It was all edible.
Orange peel tooth, banana nose.
834
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:35,080
{\an2}Coffee pod eyes.
Coffee pod eyes. Ketchup.
835
00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:36,640
{\an2}Yeah, and that cauliflower stain,
836
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:39,120
{\an2}that was turmeric cauliflower
which stained my hair for about
837
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:40,440
{\an2}a fortnight afterwards.
838
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:43,920
{\an2}And those elastic bands left
welts in my face,
839
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,480
{\an2}that meant we had to delay filming
by quite some time
840
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:48,080
{\an2}before they calmed down again.
841
00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:52,040
{\an2}Wow. Joanne, I mean I...
I hated that woman.
842
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,960
{\an2}Yeah. I - so, I'm sorry to
the people of Essex.
843
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,960
{\an2}I can't do accents. Do.
Oh. She was from Essex?
844
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:00,320
{\an2}Yeah! Did you not hear?
I thought she was Welsh.
845
00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:02,840
{\an2}It was kind of -
it was a Gemma Collins character.
846
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:06,680
{\an2}Yeah. Were there any rules
that Joanne broke?
847
00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:09,880
{\an2}No, the one rule was
you can't just make a mask.
848
00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:13,000
{\an2}But she didn't just make a mask.
It was far more creative.
849
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:14,800
{\an2}OK, she wore it -
oh, it was very creative.
850
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:18,000
{\an2}I loved the duality of flipping
between the two characters.
851
00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:20,080
{\an2}Felt quite serious all of
a sudden, doesn't it? Yeah.
852
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:21,240
{\an2}Yeah, she did also say,
853
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:23,640
{\an2}"Oh, so it's just sticking shit
to the back of my head, is it?"
854
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:25,560
{\an1}LAUGHTER
855
00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:28,080
{\an2}That's more like it,
we're back in the game!
856
00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:31,120
{\an2}Well, just John left, and that
means this is either very good
857
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,640
{\an2}or absolute horse shit.
858
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:36,840
{\an2}All right, then, well, finally,
it's our resident reanimator -
859
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:37,880
{\an2}it's John Robins.
860
00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:42,200
{\an2}Hello.
861
00:39:42,240 --> 00:39:45,160
{\an2}How are you doing Wembley,
you OK?
862
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:47,520
{\an2}# Ey-oh!
863
00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:49,680
{\an2}# Ey-ey-ey-ey-ey-oh!
864
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:51,640
{\an2}# Ey-oh! Ey-oh!
865
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,640
{\an2}# Ey-oh!
866
00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:57,480
{\an2}# Toodle-ey-ey-oh! #
867
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:00,920
{\an2}Toodle-oo!
868
00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:05,160
{\an1}APPLAUSE
869
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:10,800
{\an2}Incredible, some of your finest
work, I would say.
870
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:12,560
{\an2}Look how pleased he is with himself.
871
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:14,880
{\an2}Well, do you know
the reason I'm pleased is cos
872
00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:17,240
{\an2}I'm so bad at painting and
colouring in and -
873
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:19,880
{\an2}not that I do colouring
in any more.
874
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:22,920
{\an2}I was painting in the mirror,
and I thought,
875
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:24,480
{\an2}"Don't let Freddie down."
876
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:26,640
{\an1}LAUGHTER
877
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:28,720
{\an2}Right, are you ready
to score these backs of heads?
878
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,880
{\an2}Yeah, it's quite tricky, really,
cos, you know there's a lot of
879
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:34,000
{\an2}people jostling at
the bottom of the pile.
880
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:36,960
{\an2}I'll put all five up here, OK,
and then, that might help you.
881
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:39,360
{\an2}That might help me. There they are.
882
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:40,960
{\an2}There are the five characters.
883
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:43,480
{\an1}LAUGHTER
884
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:45,800
{\an2}You won't like this,
can I go from the top down?
885
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:47,520
{\an2}I'm fine with that,
I'm a pretty relaxed guy.
886
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:49,440
{\an2}Right, cos obviously,
Freddie Mercury is the best.
887
00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:51,280
{\an2}Right. So, we'll give John 5 points.
888
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:54,200
{\an2}There we go, round of applause
for John Robins. Well done.
889
00:40:54,240 --> 00:40:56,200
{\an1}APPLAUSE
890
00:40:56,240 --> 00:40:58,400
{\an2}If we're talking about
character from faces,
891
00:40:58,440 --> 00:40:59,960
{\an2}I'll give Steve 4 points.
892
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,920
{\an2}I rather liked Joanne's,
the duality -
893
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:04,440
{\an2}I'm sure the Internet'll go
fucking mad... Yeah.
894
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,720
{\an2}..that she just used a mask,
so 3 points.
895
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:08,760
{\an2}Back again. I know, here we are.
896
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,080
{\an1}LAUGHTER
897
00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:13,520
{\an2}Getting 2 points is like
Christmas Day.
898
00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:14,840
{\an2}2 points each.
899
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:17,160
{\an2}THEY GASP
There we go, 2 points each.
900
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:21,120
{\an2}What are the scores?
901
00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,400
{\an2}The scores, well, yes,
Sophie and Nick are at the bottom,
902
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:25,760
{\an2}Joanne, you're second
903
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:27,600
{\an2}but John's in the lead
again with 17!
904
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:30,360
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
905
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:32,800
{\an2}Please, can you all make your
way to the stage for
906
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:34,360
{\an2}the final task of the show!
907
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:44,120
{\an2}Hi, baby boy.
908
00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:45,720
{\an2}Oh, hi, Dad.
909
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:48,080
{\an1}LAUGHTER
910
00:41:48,120 --> 00:41:49,440
{\an2}Who's going to read the task out?
911
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:51,040
{\an2}Joanne McNally, please.
912
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:54,520
{\an2}McNally. It's with you.
913
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,480
{\an2}"Bounce a ball on the bar.
914
00:41:56,520 --> 00:42:00,800
{\an2}"In round one, your ball must bounce
once before falling off the bar.
915
00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:04,920
{\an2}"In round two, your ball must bounce
twice before falling off the bar,
916
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:05,960
{\an2}"and so on.
917
00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:09,480
{\an2}"Each player has one life,
most correct bounces wins."
918
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:10,840
{\an2}They can make one mistake.
919
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:12,760
{\an2}One mistake in total in the
whole game. Got it.
920
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:15,200
{\an2}OK, and as... Can you choose
when to use that life?
921
00:42:15,240 --> 00:42:17,720
{\an1}LAUGHTER
922
00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:20,360
{\an2}Do you want to use it in
a pr-previous task?
923
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:23,000
{\an1}LAUGHTER CONTINUES
924
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:25,080
{\an2}Oh, right, no,
I get it now, I get it.
925
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:27,120
{\an1}LAUGHTER
926
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,880
{\an2}So, John is up first.
Let's play ball.
927
00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:32,920
{\an2}John, grab a ball,
bounce it once on the bar.
928
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:37,640
{\an2}Oh. He has made it through.
929
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:38,840
{\an2}It was a classic side bounce.
930
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:41,240
{\an2}It was a side bounce.
Following suit.
931
00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:46,080
{\an2}Well done, lovely stuff.
APPLAUSE
932
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:48,280
{\an2}Next up, it's Steve Pemberton.
933
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:50,600
{\an2}ALL: Ooh!
934
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:51,800
{\an2}I meant it!
935
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:54,640
{\an2}OK, next up, it's Nick Mohammed.
936
00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:57,320
{\an2}Feeling all right, Nick?
I'm all right.
937
00:42:57,360 --> 00:42:58,600
{\an2}There we go.
938
00:42:58,640 --> 00:42:59,960
{\an1}APPLAUSE
939
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:02,040
{\an2}If anyone can mess this up.
940
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:03,080
{\an1}LAUGHTER
941
00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:07,520
{\an2}Oh! Slightly aggressive.
Incoming!
942
00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:10,040
{\an2}It's now round two,
two bounces on the bar, please.
943
00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:15,720
{\an2}APPLAUSE
Lovely.
944
00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:20,400
{\an2}Ah...
945
00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:25,920
{\an2}CHEERING
She's through.
946
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:28,520
{\an2}No-one's using the
full length of the bar yet.
947
00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:30,280
{\an2}It's quite expensive.
948
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:32,600
{\an1}LAUGHTER
949
00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:37,520
{\an2}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Oh!
950
00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:41,880
{\an2}I'm holding it,
because you're now on a life.
951
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:45,520
{\an2}Oh!
952
00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,760
{\an2}Steve, please sit on
the Elimination Bench.
953
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:50,520
{\an2}Steve Pemberton, everyone.
APPLAUSE
954
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:52,080
{\an2}Heartbreaking.
955
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:57,800
{\an7}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
956
00:43:57,840 --> 00:44:00,360
{\an2}OK. It's all right,
you're still in the game, Nick.
957
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:01,640
{\an2}Try and do it twice.
958
00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,440
{\an1}LAUGHTER
959
00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:05,000
{\an2}Ah, the voice of experience.
960
00:44:07,440 --> 00:44:10,800
{\an2}Lovely.
APPLAUSE
961
00:44:10,840 --> 00:44:12,920
{\an2}Let's just put it there.
just to remember. Yes.
962
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:19,240
{\an2}LAUGHTER
Do we all sit?
963
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:25,680
{\an2}Go on, Sophie, come on. OK, right.
964
00:44:25,720 --> 00:44:28,200
{\an2}Come on, number two. Two.
965
00:44:28,240 --> 00:44:29,600
{\an2}Dur-dur.
966
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,200
{\an1}APPLAUSE
967
00:44:32,240 --> 00:44:35,000
{\an2}Sophie, please make your way
to the bench.
968
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,560
{\an2}So, John, you're up.
Three bounces, please.
969
00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:47,640
{\an2}Ohh!
970
00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:49,560
{\an2}Well, be useful in round five.
971
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:51,600
{\an1}LAUGHTER
972
00:44:57,320 --> 00:44:58,360
{\an2}Oh! Ohh!
973
00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:01,520
{\an2}On the bench, you may still make it
through if the others don't.
974
00:45:04,320 --> 00:45:06,240
{\an2}Hmm...hmm...
975
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:11,640
{\an2}Yes, yes.
976
00:45:11,680 --> 00:45:13,200
{\an2}Oh!
977
00:45:13,240 --> 00:45:14,600
{\an2}Oh, it was close.
978
00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:17,600
{\an2}That was four - so just one fewer,
and you'll be through. OK.
979
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,600
{\an2}I don't have the time to have
a strategy. I don't know
980
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,240
{\an2}if it's a fucking strategy, just...
981
00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:29,920
{\an8}Yes...yes!
CHEERING
982
00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:34,320
{\an2}Thank God! So, if Nick fails here,
Joanne is the winner.
983
00:45:34,360 --> 00:45:35,840
{\an2}It's three, isn't it? One, two.
984
00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:37,760
{\an2}Three, and you have no lives -
so this is it,
985
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:40,040
{\an2}this is potentially the endgame.
986
00:45:41,800 --> 00:45:44,800
{\an2}LAUGHTER
Oh!Oh, hello.
987
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:50,960
{\an2}Just one trick shot too far,
wasn't it?
988
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:52,560
{\an2}Oi-oi-oi!
989
00:45:57,760 --> 00:46:00,680
{\an2}Ladies and gentlemen
the winner is Joanne McNally!
990
00:46:00,720 --> 00:46:02,640
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
991
00:46:02,680 --> 00:46:06,320
{\an2}Come down and join me,
we'll add that to the final scores!
992
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:14,360
{\an2}So, Sophie and Steve
came joint fourth.
993
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:15,600
{\an2}You get 2 points each.
994
00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:17,600
{\an2}Nick and John joint second,
4 points each
995
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:19,680
{\an2}but the best bouncer was
Joanne McNally!
996
00:46:19,720 --> 00:46:22,640
{\an2}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
5 points.
997
00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:26,800
{\an2}So, it means that Nick has had
a solid episode.
998
00:46:26,840 --> 00:46:29,040
{\an2}You're joint third with Steve.
999
00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:30,840
{\an2}Joanne a strong finish on 19,
1000
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,240
{\an2}but John is the winner again,
with 21 points!
1001
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:36,920
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1002
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:41,640
{\an2}John Robins wins! Please go and
scoop up your splendid spheres!
1003
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:45,880
{\an2}See you next time for the final,
1004
00:46:45,920 --> 00:46:48,840
{\an2}but now, please applaud tonight's
worthy winner once more -
1005
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:52,200
{\an2}it's John Robins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1006
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:19,200
{\an2}Subtitles by Red Bee Media