Ooh.
Yow!
I just need to read that again.
SHE LAUGHS
Oh!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Hello, I'm Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.
As we're near the halfway point of the series,
I'd like to take a moment to reflect.
There are those that say Taskmaster is a show without meaning,
that five comedians step into an arena and when they leave,
they've learnt nothing.
They've made fools of themselves on national television, brought shame
to their families and in some cases caused themselves physical harm.
To those that would reduce this show to a grotesque spectacle
watched over by a big fat man and a hairy sausage I say this,
please welcome Charlotte Ritchie... APPLAUSE
..Jamali Maddix... APPLAUSE
..Lee Mack... APPLAUSE
Mike Wozniak, and Sarah Kendall.
APPLAUSE
Now, eagerly sizzling in the pan next to me, statistics
are his foreplay and spreadsheets his post-coital cigarette.
It's the little Alex Horne!
Didn't mind that one. Nice, eh?
It implies I had a bit of fun. Yes.
And also, I have finished maths.
Oh.
OK, we're going back to this one, are we?
Well, I think we should give it a try because I learnt all of maths for this.
So, I presume there's a calculator in this.
Yes, I popped a working calculator into your drawer.
Right.
I can answer any sum, I'll pop that down.
Do you wanna pick a sum, Mike?
Erm, 13,243.
13,000... One, three, two, four, three.
One, three, two, four, three.
Yep. One, three, two, four, three. Uh, plus 8,000.
You are doing plus?
Plus 8,000.
Divide that by 20.
We're adding 8,000, divided by 20.
Just before you give me the answer, take your earpiece out.
Really? Yeah, we'll give you the final part of the sum.
Yeah, plus one.
So all of that plus one.
Plus one, 13,644.
No, it is that. Yeah.
Do another. He's got two ears, mate.
Yeah, I've got two earpieces. Oh!
I've got two earpieces.
The dirty rat.
I'm impressed with that.
That's genuinely the best thing you've ever done,
and I don't mean on this show.
What's the prize task category this week, please?
Well, it's quite simply the Craziest Thing.
You'll judge whose thing is the craziest, they'll get five
points, and the overall winner will take home five crazy things.
It's crazy. Jamali.
It's pretty crazy cos, d'you know what, yeah?
I feel like you haven't enjoyed my other prizes.
Correct. So I've got a photo of a baby smoking.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I remember this kid.
Yeah, I remember that boy.
Yeah, pretty mad, innit? He's on like 80 a day. Yeah.
Was it 80 a day or something? Yeah, but he gave up cos he's a quitter.
Yeah, so I thought that was pretty mad, innit? That is your best prize by some distance.
There you go. It's a happy ending to that story, by the way.
Smoking's bad, he now thinks chocolate is better than smoking.
Ahh, good.
Lee, what have you brought in?
Um, well, I brought in something that I find particularly crazy
and that is, uh, a lady's swimming costume.
Not just any lady's swimming costume,
I'm the kinda person that thinks, ooh, what's underneath that costume,
and I know you're thinking, hello, bit of old school sexism there.
Yeah. I mean really underneath the costume.
Here it is.
Oh!
It's absolutely disgusting. Well done.
Thank you. I think it's educational in a crazy sort of way.
Good. Hello, Charlotte. Hello. What have you brought in?
Well, the craziest thing that I could think of
if my life is that I've genuinely been at the inauguration
of every president during my lifetime. What d'you mean?
There've been seven inaugurations since she's been born.
Yeah. Four presidents. You've been at four inaugurations?
Yes. Wow. So, we've got photos of Charlotte at each of them.
Yeah. Which are up for grabs, is that right? Yeah, have 'em.
So, the first one here, Clinton's one, you can see her there.
Where? Where? Where? Oh, that little kid who's been superimposed?
Oh, God, the disappointment's so crushing that this is fake.
Hang on, I'm confused. Is the story true but the pictures fake or the whole thing's fake?
Charlotte is really there,
but all of those old bastards have been superimposed there.
Oh, right. Let's see all four pictures before we decide whether
this is a fake story. OK. Here's Charlotte at George W's inauguration.
OK. Yep, there she is.
Yep. Yeah, yeah.
I am beginning to think it's true.
OK, we're up to Obama. There I am.
There she is. Where, where are you?
There she is. Oh, yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Oh, yeah!
That's when you went through your awkward teenage phase... Yep.
..when your head was four times bigger than anyone else's.
And most recently, and you said this was your favourite,
Donald Trump's inauguration. Yeah, really enjoyed that.
That one's quite convincing apart from the fact that again that
you're giant. Well, that one actually, is real.
Is it? Yes. What a twist!
It's crazy. Nah, it's not real.
Aw! Alex, come on.
So, absolutely none of this is true?
But it's beautifully plausible. Hmm. Like, I believed it.
You believed it. Yeah, and the fact that I believed it is crazy.
Ooh. Love that. Next up, it's Mike.
Oh, what have you got for us?
So, I am not much of a, sort of domestic god
and as a housemate, I'm not too much trouble,
but there's a very specific toilet based, sort of infraction that
I, I do not understand for which there is an image.
This is his crazy thing.
Are you saying this is what makes YOU crazy?
No, I think this choice is crazy.
If you're gonna put it anywhere you could put it on the floor,
you could take it with you, put it in your pocket,
put it behind, whatever. You've chosen to put it on, ON the bin.
Yeah. For which, all you need to do is - pop.
Good. Good? I think it's crazy.
OK. Sarah, crazy?
Crazy. So, I went to a, uh, a dinner party and my recollection
of the whole evening was incredibly insane but there was a candle
that they had on the table and the candle was hundreds of angels'
faces in the wax and then they lit the candle and as the night steadily
got drunker and drunker and the evening felt stranger and stranger
there were melting angels' faces kind of drooping down the candle.
Here are the melting angel faces. They're horrible.
Frightening. It was like we'd angered the gods or something.
I don't know what you're offering up as crazy here,
melty angels or the collective experience?
The collective experience.
Now's the time to judge, Greg.
Melted crazy faces, toilet situation.
I didn't, I didn't find Lee's costume particularly crazy
and I'm gonna give it one point. OK, so it's one point to Lee.
I'm gonna give, I'm gonna jump to three points cos I think there's
some proper crazy goes on from that point onwards.
Three points to...
To the smoking baby.
A joint four points. Ooh!
To Charlotte and to Wozniak, but I think I'm being very generous
here because I think I'm giving him crazy points because he's crazy.
Yes, he did just put something on a bin.
And five points, I mean, no-one's gonna beat that, I mean, it's absolute madness.
Melted angel faces. Sarah Kendall takes the big five.
Well done, Sarah Kendall, five points.
Let's move on. Task, please.
Yes, we start today's show with some banana drama.
Hello, Alex.
What's in the mug? Uh, it's coffee.
Do you not want that? I can put it down.
No, I like it. Is that all right? Yeah.
Shall I just, uh, crack away?
Yes, please. Please crack away.
Right, I'm looking at a frozen banana.
Am I allowed to touch these things, Alex?
All the information's in the task, Lee.
Can I take this off? I can't hear a thing you're saying.
"Get all of this banana in the bottle."
Oh, it's cold.
"You may not break the bottle."
"The bottle may not leave the lab. Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now." Does that mean now? Hang on.
It's the old, uh, frozen banana in the bottle - classic.
Yeah. It's like a ship in a bottle but a banana instead of a ship
and it's not often you can use a banana instead of a ship.
Good. Let's play on.
Ooh, OK. Well, first it's Jamali and Lee.
Ahh.
Right, OK, it's got a number on it, so I have to find the code, don't I?
You've gotta get the banana in the bottle. Oh, hello,
there's a code at the bottom. It says 201.
Hello. Urgh, it's disgusting this stuff.
Oh, it came off.
Bingo.
It's, like, a frozen banana as well, innit?
Oh, hang on, there's something in the bottle.
Oh, no. Oh, for the love of God.
I mean, I'm tempted to just pour it all over the floor,
but I have got some dignity, unlike the other people,
the young people who'll throw it all over the floor.
Can I just pour it on the floor? OK.
Is that all right?
Oh, you fucking...
HE LAUGHS
I can go get stuff?
Ah, all the information's in the task there, Jamali.
Oh, OK. Oh, you're being sarcastic.
All right, thank you, man.
Ahh, there we go. It might be that my b... Ah!
Oh, it's jelly, I think.
Did you microwave the banana?
Yeah. How long for?
Two, two minutes.
AUDIENCE GROANS
This is horrible.
I think if you heat jelly up it liquefies, doesn't it?
SQUELCHING
There's no, like, suction device here, is there?
Well, we've got a Hoover. Can I get a Hoover?
Can we get you a Hoover? Yeah, get me a Hoover, bro. OK.
Right. Now, watch.
I think I've just demonstrated lateral thinking there.
HOOVER WHIRS
LAUGHTER
You don't have, like, an industrial Hoover?
An industrial Hoover? Yeah. We don't have an industrial Hoover, no.
Get the banana defrosted, get all of that in there.
Yeah, thank you, bro.
Right, that's the jelly out.
Great.
All of the banana, that's gotta be the skin, right?
AUDIENCE GROANS
Oh, no, it's full up.
The bottle's full. HE LAUGHS
I'm doing everything in my powers not to masticate it,
but at the moment it's looking like it might have to be.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Hot or cold? It's confusing.
Free... Boiling on the outside, freezing in the middle.
I'm very... Actually, it's quite nice.
I'm sorry to keep asking you to do shit, can you,
get me a cup of water, please? What's in your hand?
Yeah, but I mean like, a full-up cup. Oh, right.
And a little less attitude next time, please, mate.
I feel like this is either the smartest thing I've ever done
or the dumbest thing I've ever done.
You know, I'm basically gonna squeegee that into the bowl,
d'you know what I'm saying?
OK.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
What are you doing, Lee? Sharpening the end.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Oh, stop it.
Nearly.
Stop the clock. Ah!
HE LAUGHS
Stop. Stop it?
Yeah. Yep. OK. There we go.
I love that you correctly predicted the poor behaviour of the youth.
I knew it. I knew it. Just no consideration, just all over the floor and I was making a...
I also like that you said you were gonna do it with dignity
and then ended up chopping it up in your mouth and spitting it...
And then spat it into the thing, yeah.
It was a lovely metaphor for the difference between two age groups as
well in that you thought, I'm gonna melt this jelly and it'll logically
fall out of the bottle, whereas you asked for a Hoover to suck it out.
Yeah, I didn't, it was only later on I realised that if you add
water to it that it obviously fills up with air and pushes it out
but I, yeah, I just thought I could hoover it out or something.
It's the folly of youth. Yeah, yeah.
Have you got some fascinating statistics?
Lee said the futility levels on this show are beyond the realm
and scored 11 minutes and 13 seconds.
All right. And to put that into context, Jamali,
after getting a blender, a Hoover, a spoon, a funnel, towel, pumps,
23 minutes and 19 seconds.
Ahh. More than twice.
Lovely to see the older generation winning the day.
Yeah. Cos something we know about is mashing up our food.
Having a lovely banana snack as well.
OK, it's the end of part one,
your task at home is to go to the fridge, take in about 1,500
calories and then come back full of regret and vulnerable.
See you after the break.
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to part two of tonight's show.
Before the break, there was a banana task under way.
They were trying to get a frozen banana into a bottle packed full of jelly.
All of our parents are going to be so proud.
Now, who is the man behind the moustache? It's Mike Wozniak.
So, here is Mike Wozniak's banana bash.
So that's... What is that? Vaseline or something?
I think it's Vaseline.
HE LAUGHS OK.
Uh, OK.
Um, right, so this is frozen.
OK, that's unexpected.
Uh, the bottle may not leave the lab, but I might leave the lab.
Back in a tick. OK.
BLEEPING
OK. Right, I'm going to start, see if I can,
sort of very slow to, uh, actually
go in the actual bottle which is full of stuff.
Right, there we go, a twist, but full of what?
That's the question.
Right, I've made a pig's ear of this.
Right, OK, I'm going to try and empty the bottle.
Back in a mo. Jelly.
It's full of jelly.
What dissolves jelly? Come on you cheeky scamp.
Hello, Mike. Hello.
Look at that, that's going in beautifully.
Gentle pummelling action on the old banana udder's working very nicely.
Skin time.
Do you want me to ask you what time it is? Uh, you can ask me what time... What, what...
Well, I thought you might then say, "Skin time."
Oh, skin time. Thank you. I didn't... Oh, right, OK.
I've never.... I've not come across skin time before.
You did say skin time. Did I say skin time? Yes.
Oh, right, OK. What time is it, Mike?
It's skin time. Thank you.
Skin time is the right time.
Don't mind a bit of finger in there, do you?
Done. I've stopped the clock. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
Well, Wozniak...
..if you had to choose one of the catchphrases that have got
the nation talking would it be "bamboo time" or "skin time"?
I think skin time feels... Because skin time's the right time, am I right?
Skin time is the right time, but it feels a bit blue to me, so
I think, uh, bamboo time's probably got a bit more universal appeal.
It feels like there's an elephant in the room. Yeah, I know.
Well, I know what the elephant in the room is
and it crushed my spirit seeing that.
It's like you're doing an operation and just, uh,
whipping out the wrong organ. Heart-breaking.
Just leaping out the window with it, yeah. Yeah.
Yes, you did, it left the room, which is a shame
because he got through everything else.
He was the quickest - ten minutes, 36 seconds. Yeah.
But it's a lot easier if you leave the room with the bottle.
Skin time is the wrong time.
But what you saw there was a man who thought it was jelly o'clock
and tick-tock, he should've stopped and checked his watch. Right.
And seen that in fact, it was stay-in-the-room time.
Unlucky, loser. What's next?
Finally, it's Charlotte and Sarah.
I'm just going to try zero, zero, zero cos you just don't... you just don't know.
OK, are you going to do all the numbers? What, from the beginning to the end? Hm.
Yeah, how long have I got? Ahh, yeah!
Well, it just comes off. OK.
"The bottle may not leave the lab."
But I can leave the lab.
I can leave the lab? OK, all right.
OK.
Oh, it's got...
Oh, no. Oh, no! What's the problem? It's got, like, a jelly in it.
Ah. Get out. Get out.
I'm microwaving the banana.
How long are you microwaving it for?
Two, two minutes.
Oh, it's frozen.
I've got it on high.
Look at that technique.
Ahh. Urgh.
Oh.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK.
LAUGHTER Ah, it's hot.
It's so hot and yet so cold.
Ow! No.
Oh, shit, that's... That's not going to work.
I now have to remove the banana that's already in there.
Do you know what's happened is that I've actually not displaced enough jelly.
Something's shifting.
LIQUID SLOPS IN BOTTLE
I'm doing something wrong, but I'm going to stick with it.
OK.
Oh, I think we've made enough space now.
OK. All right.
Just look away, guys.
Fucking, come on. Yeah, yeah, it's in.
And I seem to be masturbating a highly lubricated bottle but,
kind of, trying to shove banana into the eye of its penis.
OK? Ooh...
Ooh, oh, my! Ahh, this is so upsetting.
Yeah, there we go and then we use the that's what we do.
If I eat it.
Then there won't be any banana left I suppose.
In it goes.
Hmm.
Oh, my God, it's so cold.
Well, that goes in the bin so that doesn't count as banana any more.
OK, there, I think I'm finished. OK, I've stopped the clock.
I'm just going to have to call that one a day I think.
I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE
Are you under the impression that if you put something in the bin it doesn't exist any more?
Yeah. I wrote down a quote.
Cos I don't think that you'll ever say this again in life,
"What's happened here is I haven't displaced enough jelly."
It's a one-off, yeah.
Sarah, once you'd said, "What I'm doing here is,
"I'm ramming a banana into the end of a penis,"
I didn't hear any other words you said cos all I could see is that...
Huh, really? ..awful image.
Oh, I really enjoyed, "Something's shifting."
I don't remember being... Oh, yeah.
"Something is shifting!"
Do you want me to give you some time, Greg? I do, yeah.
OK, well, uh, Mike is disqualified cos he.
Tragic. Cos of the elephant in the room. He took the elephant out of the room, as you know.
Yeah. Charlotte stopped at 23 minutes, 22.
Three seconds after Jamali's time. OK.
So she's either second last or disqualified
cos she didn't get all the banana in the bottle.
Yeah, yeah, give her a point. Why not?
She made it disappear with her magic bin.
Charlotte, you get one point. Thank you.
Jamali's definitely in third with 23 minutes, 19.
We know that Lee got 11 minutes, 13.
Sarah, eight minutes, 49.
No? Acht minuten.
So, she definitely gets the five points. That's crazy.
APPLAUSE
Scoreboard, please.
Mike is in last place with 4,
our series leader Sarah is leading the episode too with 10 points.
Mm-hmm. Das ist gut.
One more task, please.
OK, matey boy, it's team time and, as a little nod to how you put me
to bed each night,
they've been shackled in chains with bells attached to them.
Here we go.
I think me and you are probably the least appropriate
dressed for the hottest day of the year.
Please mount your podiums. Thank you.
Hello, team. Hello. Hey.
Please stand on a box and, when you're on your box, please
put on your little gloves and your belt.
Thank you.
Little gloves.
Right, put this on, yeah? Yes, please.
"Put the bag of salt on that table over there."
Ah. Is that the bag of salt? I assume so.
"No-one may move while holding the bag of salt."
"If the bag of salt touches the ground at any point you must return to your starting point."
"If any bell touches the ground at any point you must return to your starting point."
Bell? Bell.
"You may not touch the rope or your belts.
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now." OK.
Looks like a fun game. I do it with my children.
All makes sense to me. Mm-hmm.
I've not got much to say, other than the sight of Lee and Mike just
reminded me of a nurse bringing her delusional patient across a field.
Shall we start with them? Yes, please.
They've got an average age of 46.5 with Lee doing
most of the heavy lifting there.
It's Mike and Lee.
Uh, so no-one may move while holding the bag of salt.
Well, can we maybe use the... Uh, what about using the, the sheet to wrap the...?
Cos then we're not physically holding the bag of salt, we're holding the sheet bagged up.
So, if I grab that.
I wonder, if we clear off the stuff,
the idea is to wrap the thing up, so it becomes a bag,
so we're not actually holding the bag of salt.
But one person would then have to carry the red bag. Yeah, but they wouldn't...
Cos there's no way we can lean in without those bells. Oh, yeah, exactly, yeah.
one person's doing all the work, the other guy's just stretching the belt.
Wrap it all up? Whoa, hang on, it me.
Cos we... He...he might've said, "Whilst holding the salt," is what he says.
Right. If I was walking along shopping... Yeah?
..and my wife said, "Oh, don't forget to buy salt," I bought salt, put it in the carrier bag...
Yep. ..and she said, "Oh, hang on, have you got...did you get salt?"
I go, "Yeah." And she said, "Are you carrying it now?"
And I went, "No." She'd say, "But you are carrying the salt."
"No, I'm not, I'm carrying the plastic bag which is holding the salt."
With you completely but we're not in Mack world, we're in Taskmaster world.
Oh.
Shall we throw it? Play safe.
Yes, you go there. Want us to get a little bit closer?
Here it comes. Yes!
Ooh!
Oh, it's...it's...it's...well,
it's... there's nothing in the thing about the bag splitting. Everything's fine.
Have you re-knotted? I've sort of twizzled.
Twizzle will be fine. OK.
Hang on, hang on. Yep. Yep.
I've stopped the clock. Sweet. Do you think you completed the task?
HE LAUGHS I don't really remember what the task said.
I enjoyed myself. Are you a bit dirty now, Mike?
I'm salty. I don't think that's the same thing.
Are you now? Salt's all right, innit?
OK, well you can, uh, remove the belt.
APPLAUSE
You, specifically, looked like you were having the time of your life there. I was having a lovely time.
You looked like a provincial vicar tied to Lee Mack,
trotting across a field without a care in the world.
It brought me back to my old morris dancing days.
This is just...
Just good clean fun on a summer's day...
I don't doubt you have morris danced in your life.
..breeze in my hair, and a bag of salt to play with.
Yeah. What more can a boy ask for?
There was some real insight into the Mack family there.
Does she quiz you about the contents of the shopping bags?
She's obsessed with salt and whenever we're coming
away from any shop, she'll always go, "Did you get salt?"
And I always have to go, "Yes." Even if we've been shopping for, like, clothes and things.
Well, look, they told me to stop the clock at four minutes, 42. Yep.
I thought we were pretty slick. Lovely. Goodbye, part two.
We're finished. We tried to make it work, but it didn't.
It's no-one's fault. I think we just need space.
It's hard enough as it is. Just go!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.
Give me a recap please, Alex, in the form of a performance poem.
OK, are you going to lay down a beat?
Sure, man. Here we go.
GREG BEATBOXES
The task before the break involved passing salt.
Mike and Lee passed the salt.
Next, it's time for the team of three
and that is the recap poem by me.
Rubbish. APPLAUSE
If you tauten it, I go long and then go under it.
Yeah. Oh, OK. Yeah. Or we could swivel round.
OK. What?
BOTH: OK.
Yeah, amazing. And then we're going to throw it to each other?
Yeah. All right. OK.
OK, who do I throw it to now, Sarah? At me.
And then... Don't step.
Oh, we've got to start again.
So you can't move when you're... When you're holding the salt.
Off you go again. OK, ready? Yeah.
All right.
Oh, yeah, great. OK.
And then, so... You can't step.
Oh, OK. Yeah.
OK.
Come on, guys.
Let's get a bit of hustle. OK.
OK.
All right. No stepping.
Oh, we've got problems.
Agh! OK.
It kind of felt sweet in my mouth, I don't...
Salt? Oh, guys, guys, guys, it says...
This is sugar, it's not salt.
So, let's... If we put it to the table and go back. Go round
this way. Careful, careful.
OK. And then go back to the table.
On the table, innit?
Oh, for fuck sake. Yeah. Yeah, they're still here.
Also, I just touched the... I just touched the rope.
The bells touched the ground. Sorry, you've got to start again.
Yeah. God's sake.
OK?
Yeah, we better start. Yeah, OK. Yeah. OK.
Just boot it, just kick it over. Keep going. Go!
Just kick it. Kick it, kick it, kick it.
OK. OK. Yep.
Doesn't matter. Yeah, you got it. Yeah, and then just slam it down.
Just...
I've stopped the clock.
Well, there's some salt in a bag on the table I suppose.
APPLAUSE
That is highly irritating.
Watching yours, knowing that you didn't know gave me
an insight into how you feel all the time and it felt incredible.
Did it feel good? Smug. I was thinking, they've blown this.
They've ruined it. We are in, we are quids in for maximum points.
It was really enjoyable knowing that you messed up!
And then just watching it and watch him be like, yeah, yeah!
Yeah. And, you know what,
he didn't say nothing, but he gave a little eye to Mike, just went
like that and that was just...
And just as I was having a little victory parade like that,
a tiny little voice went... "This tastes sweet."
I was like, "What? What do you mean it tastes sweet?"
Then it all... Inside my head just went to pieces.
When Sarah's dramatic revelation - which I think we should watch, cos
I thought it was worthy of a movie role, this.
OK, this is the dramatic moment.
Agh.
Oh, guys, guys, guys. This is sugar, it's not salt.
Yeah! Genuinely. Wow. That's a proper thriller.
I did not know what I was meant to do in that task
and that was the one thing that I knew. One fact.
One thing. But what you can't take away from me
is that I had an absolutely lovely day.
Well, very exciting and catastrophic for these two clowns.
It's up to you how many points you want to give the team of two.
Can't give them anything. No. Didn't put salt on the table. And the team of three?
Five points each. It's a big day for them.
Five points to the team of three.
APPLAUSE
Very good. Let's go, what's next?
Loo roll! Uh-oh.
Got to look for the, er, look for the task?
Yes, please. OK. Um...
Ooh! OK.
All right. I'm good. You? Your goggles.
Ooh, sorry, can I do that again? You can do it again.
Sorry. Get this sheet of loo roll as far from here as possible.
Only this sheet of loo roll may touch the ground.
The loo roll must not break at any point.
And the loo roll inner tube must stay on the loo roll
holder at all times.
I've got banana everywhere.
Give me a sec, sorry.
You have 20 minutes. I just need to read that again.
Yeah, absolutely. All right.
There's a task in there for you. Is there? Did you see it?
I can't find a task. No, I can see that.
We printed it on paper.
If it was on there, I've just used it. Oh, did you really?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it was on there, yeah.
It might be in the toilet. Oh, no, it's... Luckily,
cos I just didn't want to flush the chain I just threw it on the thing.
How long do you think a roll of loo roll is?
Good question. Thank you.
Lee, I'm just going to reattach the original sheet,
then I'll start the clock. Right, OK.
Please don't break it again.
Yeah, I should've probably spotted that, but what I tend to do is
use toilet paper rather than read it... Awkward. ..reading it first.
You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.
I just crack on, use the toilet paper, get on with my day.
Yeah. All right.
Ooh, hello. You could use that as a loo-roll holder.
Oh, dear. Genuinely, Lee had some banana from the banana task
stuck on his helmet,
so he went in there and cleaned off the banana with the task.
Yeah. I mean, what struck me instantly
is that there were four people getting stuck into Taskmaster
the show, and then Lee was, er,
taking part in a documentary about a care home.
Confused! "I've got banana on my helmet!"
"Oh!" Thank God I'm a pig and I don't throw my dirty tissues away
and I just throw it on the side.
You didn't even put it in the bin. No.
What's that going to do to you?
It's rising, it's rising. It's rising. It's bubbling up, yeah.
First up, it's Charlotte and Michael.
Right.
OK, excuse me.
If I go out the window...
Ooh, have you got any Sellotape?
OK, ah-ha.
I'm fortifying the loo roll.
Yeah.
Trying to construct a little loo-roll rise.
Do you think everyone's going to do this method? Yeah.
Great. It's fairly universal.
I've got too, er, unravel this beast, because, otherwise,
I think I'm going to get myself in a pickle.
Now the window's going to cause real havoc with this.
Gently, gently, does it.
Ooh, it's... It's like a ripping noise.
Somehow, the tape's actually made it a lot heavier.
Somehow.
OK, come on.
OK, could you foot the ladder for me?
I'm footing the ladder.
So we've reached the point at which I've ceased to think things
through very carefully.
It's becoming a bit of a burden actually. Is it?
Yeah, cos, I mean, in a way,
I do wish that I'd gaffer taped the whole thing.
How are the weather conditions? They're, they're brisk.
It's your perfect, sort of, you know,
after-lunch walking weather, I'd say.
But, er, in terms of sticking toilet paper onto some
PVA glue - sub-optimal.
Please be careful, Charlotte. Thank you.
Oh!
Five minutes to go.
Five minutes? Crumbs.
OK, two ticks.
Oh. Maybe I should... Oh! OK.
Flirting with the ground quite often.
Yeah, I'm keeping it on the edge.
Whoo, no!
That's come loose.
No. OK.
Careful, Mike. Tense. Yes. Tense moment.
That's actually disappointing to, um, to say the least.
OK.
That's it.
I've boobooed.
Thanks, Alex. Thank you, Mike.
APPLAUSE
I mean, fascinating. I've known Mike for some time.
I've seen him dancing in a pair of tiny, little, gold hot-pants.
Just an absolute maniac.
And yet, the Mike that I'm presented with here says things like,
"I'll have to unravel this, otherwise I'm going to get myself
"into a pickle." "Crumbs."
What's the weather like?
"It's perfect after-lunch walking weather."
That was, yeah, that was really... What's happened to you?
I don't know.
The after-lunch walking weather thing really distressed me.
Charlotte, I thought coming out the window was a lovely touch.
Did you regret not fortifying all of your toilet paper?
I guess... I guess I got confident and I just...
I thought, "Well, I've fortified the first bit, I'll just let go now
"and get moving." Let's see what happens. Keep it fast,
keep it slick, keep it good.
So many catchphrases have been invented in this series.
I don't know where to start. Keep it fast, keep it slick, keep it good.
Do your summary. Unfortunately, she should've kept on the ladder.
They could've both stopped. She'd reached 14 metres, he'd reached 8m.
But hers snapped with four minutes to go, his with three minutes to go.
Well, I imagine Mike had to stop so he could go
for his afternoon constitution.
Two glorious failures. Do you want to see some more?
Yeah. OK, next up are Lee and Jamali.
It says, the loo roll inner tube must stay on the loo roll
holder, so why don't we get the loo roll holder off...off there.
Do you have a screwdriver? Phillips or a flat head?
Let me get a flat head. Actually...
I'm should have no problems hailing a cab with this.
What's...what's that? A weight.
A little rock? Yeah.
Hello. It's a very odd request, but I'm making a television programme.
Can I give you that just to put on your passenger seat?
And just drive away with it. You can have it.
Thank you.
Go as far as you can - 20 minutes.
Don't take it off the loo-roll holder.
You done? Um, how long have I got left? You've got 11 minutes.
There you go. So you've done it? I'll just have a cup of tea now.
Right.
Is that further? Nowhere near.
Actually, what, am I...?
I can just go there myself.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Your time's up, Jamali. OK.
Where's the loo roll? It's way somewhere down there.
I got far and then I kind of got bored, so I came back.
Will I be able to find it? Yeah. Keep on going straight.
There's like a water fountain. It's next to that. A water fountain?
Yeah. Oh, that's pretty.
Like a little drinking fountain. Oh, so it's functional?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Lovely.
APPLAUSE
Similar technique by both men, executed differently.
Jamali, I'm going to put it to you,
I think you really enjoyed that task.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I enjoyed... honestly, like, er,
being in that house for so long, you kind of just want to start
ripping shit off the walls. Sweet technique. Yeah.
Worked a treat, I imagine. Yes. How far away did he get it?
Well, 60 giraffes lying end to end. 363 metres. Good.
Lee, same technique - rip it off the wall. Very clever.
What I enjoyed about it was I think that that woman was genuinely
frightened of you. There was a moment when I was close to saying,
"Can I get in?" Yeah.
And as I was about to say it, I looked at her eyes
and I thought she's going to say no. You didn't get the opportunity to
look into her eyes because the last three things you said to her, she
was pretending you weren't there. Obviously, I don't know
the result, but my concern is that she lives, like, very close
to the Taskmaster house. Her name is Rebecca, she wasn't happy,
but she was happy to be involved. She wasn't happy at first,
because she didn't recognise you and then she did,
but then she was confused. Right.
She drove to Kew, which is three miles away.
Wow. Right, that's three down and one to go, until someone wins
Mike Wozniak's finished loo roll sitting on an old bin.
That's what's at stake here.
And you thought climate change was important. Hurry back!
APPLAUSE
Hello, here we are again, it's the final part of tonight's Taskmaster.
Yes, it's very late, I didn't eat much din-dins
and I'm feeling very weak.
Before the break, they were trying to get the loo roll
the furthest distance from where it started
but the loo roll had to stay in one piece
and the loo roll had to remain on the loo roll holder at all times
or else the attempt would be null and void.
To help spell out the rules, I've actually put together a little video
to show the kind of thing that could cause an instant disqualification.
It says, "The loo roll inner tube must stay on the loo roll holder."
So, why don't we get the loo roll holder off...
..because it probably unscrews, and then, I can go further.
You've got 19-and-a-half minutes.
No.
Oh, my life! You've got to be kidding me.
Can I say one thing - in the break,
I looked at Lee and went, "You know, I thought won that one."
Lee said, "Yeah, but the thing is
"you don't know what they're gonna spring on you."
Anyway, let me just get my five points. Yeah, that was great.
Oh, that it is just... That felt so good.
Thank you, Alex. Oh, honestly.
I mean, basically, you've got yourself on a police watchlist.
For nothing!
I thought the sugar/salt incident wouldn't get me any more annoyed.
But that... I could kill you, Alex!
That's two in a row. Two in a row for Lee Mack.
Let's see how Sarah did. OK.
Of course, toilet roll is famously used to wipe your down under,
so, does that mean our last competitor will have an advantage?
It's Sarah Kendall.
OK. I'm just thinking that I should get some supports in place.
Yep.
I think I'm being really ambitious.
All right, OK, so...
I'd love it if I got right out. Yeah.
You don't think I'm going to?
I'm very excited to watch what happens.
OK.
Oh, fuck. No! No, no. Did that just touch?
It didn't but it was incredibly close.
Oh, right, I see the problem I've got here,
it's gonna start unfurling. Yeah.
Ooh. No. No, no, no, no!
Right. Getting somewhere? Yeah, we're getting somewhere.
Oh, no, is that wet?
I've got, I've got a sparesy.
I'm finished.
WHISTLE Thank you.
Thanks.
APPLAUSE
The thing that fascinates me about the whole show, really,
is how quickly that becomes normalised,
that I found myself thinking,
ah, she's using the old boot on a bucket system.
LAUGHTER
And very wise, stopping to dry the top of a bucket with her arse.
She's an Olympic player, this girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I unearthed the skill set I didn't know I had.
It was great. How far did she get?
Well, it's probably easiest if you picture it in red blood cells.
Two million red blood cells. Wow. Wow.
It's a long way, isn't it? It's not bad.
Just give us some proper statistics. 14 metres. All right.
Weirdly, that is second place,
but Jamali is the winner with 363 metres.
There it is!
The first one I won. Is that the first one? It's my first one I won.
Enjoying yourself now, aren't you? I am, yeah.
What the show called? Ah, come on!
LAUGHTER
Taskgames? I don't know. Yeah, that'll do.
On with Taskgame!
Yeah, I can tell you, Jamali could still win this one, he's on 16,
Sarah's on 19.
APPLAUSE
OK, everyone, please, make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Do you like it?
I think I like it. Yeah?
Who's gonna read it?
Charlotte Ritchie... Oh, yeah? ..is not gonna read it. OK.
Mike Wozniak's gonna read it.
Write down what five things are in the bowl under the table
and how many of each thing there are.
You must look at the Taskmaster throughout this task.
One of your hands must be in the bowl
and the other must be holding your pen throughout the task.
You have two minutes. The most accurate answers wins.
You can look at your writing when you're writing
but please don't cheat.
There are five different types of thing in your bowl.
You need to write down what they are and how many there are.
Does that make sense? Yep. Yeah.
Simple as that, five different things.
Are you ready? Your time starts...
BLOWS WHISTLE
Look at me.
Have a good old rummage.
Ooh.
Identify and count, that's the game, Greg, identify and count.
Oh, come on.
Look at me.
Yeah, as long as you look at Greg.
Please look at Greg, Charlotte. Sorry.
I'm just watching your eyes there, they did drift.
Um, I had something in my eyes.
I blinked, as well. Look at me, Lee. Look at me.
I think Jamali is actually counting.
He's still looking at me, though, good boy.
Don't say that, that was really... really horrifying.
That was actually, like, that actually...disgust...
Yeah, keep looking. It's the truth. Stop, stop. Stop.
I'm your destiny. Look at me.
Something is emitting an odour.
Something is emitting an odour, says Mike Wozniak.
You've got a special treat in yours.
How long left? Lee, look at me.
Worth writing...some stuff down. Yellow card.
That's your catchphrase when you do stand-up, isn't it? Yellow card.
Who got a yellow card there, Greg? Lee did.
I've not looked down, I'm looking at the writing.
He's glancing down like a fish.
No, I'm looking at the paper that I'm trying to...
You are allowed to look at your writing, that's fine.
Let's see.
Tick-tock. Five seconds.
And...
JAMALI: I'm good.
WHISTLE
That's your time up, please.
Both your hands above the table now, please.
Ah, fuck! Ah, come on!
Such a mucky pup.
OK, I'm going to ask Charlotte,
tell me one of the things you thought you found.
Well, listen, I'm gonna say ice cubes.
How many? Five. Five ice cubes.
Five. Jamali, ice cubes?
I got six. Six.
I got four. Four.
Three. Three.
Six. Six.
The correct answer was six.
Sarah and Jamali, one correct answer.
Jamali, please tell me one of the things you found in your bowl.
Hard-boiled eggs.
Uh, I found eggs, but they weren't hard-boiled. But how many?
I had two. Two. Two soft, non-boiled eggs.
Two eggs.
I said two eggs but I, um, guessed they were, um, like rubber eggs,
not actual eggs.
Two. Two.
So, everyone gets a point for that one. Yeah.
Lee, what did you find in your bowl?
Well, disappointingly I found, uh...hundreds and thousands.
Who else found hundreds and thousands?
I'll do a joke about egg fried hundreds and thousands.
Yeah, I found hundreds and thousands. Did you? Um, OK.
Did anyone find anything with a consistency of hundr...
I said rice, and I... I found rice. Rice. Yes.
Rice. And how many grains? 5,000. 5,000.
I got, uh, 6,000.
120,000 grains of rice.
Jamali wins that one, it was 17,000 grains of rice.
So I win? You were the closest. OK.
Mike, apart from eggs, ice, and hundreds and thousands,
what did you find in your bowl? A premature conker.
LAUGHTER
A premature conker?
I used to be in a band called Premature Conker.
I remember seeing it. Do you remember? Yeah. Good times.
Anyone else find anything with a consistency of a premature conker?
I thought they were grapes. No grapes.
Plums? No plums. Lee?
Olives? No olives.
I said an eraser.
No-one found my pickled onions.
Oh.
Finally, Sarah, one last item.
Uh, it, it felt a blob of, uh, gelatine.
How many jelly? Uh, just one.
One. One jelly. One jelly. One jelly.
I found two, two jellies. Well, there was only one. Mike?
One dead jellyfish.
So, everyone, again, apart from Lee and Mike, got that one right.
I used to be in a band called One Dead Jellyfish.
I remember seeing that.
How much was it to get in? Six squid?
GROANING
Oh!
Do you want me to add up these numbers, Greg?
Anything to take the taste away.
They'd better come down here,
we'll see how all that's affected the final scores.
Ah, hi, Greg.
Hello. Nice to be back.
Nice to have you back.
Now, that must have affected things a bit.
Jamali identified all of them except for the pickled onions
cos no-one got the pickled onions, so, he gets the full five points.
Well done. That's my first, second win. Well done.
APPLAUSE
Sarah got three of the things, she comes second.
Charlotte, two of the things so, comes third.
The team of two, Mike and Lee, have had a complete shocker this episode,
they both came last with just one. Aw. Aw.
Which means, in terms of the series,
Jamali is now hot on their tails,
52 points, 57 points,
58 points to Lee.
Obviously, Charlotte, a little way back.
Sarah, 20 points ahead, on 78 points.
Wow.
That's unfathomable.
But the winner, 17 points ahead of Mike,
it's the third show she's won in total,
it's Sarah Kendall with 23 points! Whoa!
Sarah Kendall wins again!
Please, go crazy for your craziest things!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Off you go again!
So, what have we learnt today?
We've had an insight into two very different career trajectories.
Cut to two years from now -
Sarah Kendall steps on to a moonlit city skyline
as the lead in the new Hollywood super-hero franchise Salt Woman.
Back in England, a police car picks up Lee Mack,
he's on the M4 with a shopping trolley full of toilet rolls,
shouting, "I thought it was salt. It looked like salt!"
It's bye from us for now,
but let's end with some more recognition for tonight's winner,
she's done it again -
it's Salt Woman, Sarah Kendall!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media