This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Taskmaster was recorded
in accordance with all social distancing guidelines in place
at the time of filming.
I just need to read that again.
APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.
I'm your captain, Greg Davis, and I'm in charge of this almighty,
yet volatile warship, as it pitches wildly through task infested waters.
A brave crew will learn something new about themselves every day
before returning to dry land to immediately sack their agents.
The audience are watching from a distant island.
So let's meet the scurvy-gummed biscuit eaters of the high seas.
They are Charlotte Ritchie!
Jamali Maddix!
Lee Mack!
Mike Wozniak!
And Sarah Kendall!
And next to me is a man who's head is shaped like the rubber
at the end of a pencil and who's body is shaped like a pencil.
He's a human pencil with a killer smile, it's little Alex Horne!
Hey, a compliment! Yeah.
Thank you for my compliment. Bit of a twist. Yeah, I'll take pencil.
Let's get this chat under way, shall we? Let's do it.
I have finished maths.
I've learnt all of maths, you can ask me any sum
and I promise you I'll get it right. OK.
I put a calculator in your drawer if you want to test me? OK.
I can't turn it on.
I genuinely can't turn it on. Is there one that says on?
Sometimes it says AC and no-one knows what that means.
No, that doesn't do it. It simply doesn't work.
It's broken. I don't think this section's going to get any better
than this. I think that what's happened in the last minute
is as good as any of your other chat.
Great, let's get going!
Of course. The prize task is first on the agenda
and this time the category is the most shocking thing
that is bigger than a cat, but smaller than a pig.
Greg will have to decide which of the five items brought in
is the most shocking thing that is bigger than a cat
and smaller than a pig, and out will come his big five points.
The overall winner at the end of the episode will take home
five shocking things that are bigger than cats, but smaller than pigs.
OK, good.
Just very briefly, why did we have to have the whole cat pig thing?
So they knew what sort of size thing to bring in. Yeah. Yeah?
People say I bully you, but I think it's deserved.
Mike. Hello. Hello.
What thing have you brought in that fits this clang's criteria?
There's a controversial artist who lives in Dartmoor,
not far from me, who renders scenes from the animal kingdom
out of glass. So I despatched it to Taskmaster HQ.
OK, this is what arrived.
Oh, that's a shame.
There wasn't a lot of bubble wrap, that was the problem.
So that's broken, is it? That is, it's a great shame.
The description was a glassware sculpture depicting a scene
from the animal kingdom. Alpaca - in brackets -
shaved in flagrante delicto with gecko - in brackets -
frenzied, as robin redbreast looks on impassively.
Shock level - high. So it was a shocking scene.
I mean, I can show you the label from the courier here.
You can see it did say "ultra care deluxe super fragile delivery deal."
I did splash out for that, and it was perfect
when the courier received it.
It's a great tragedy. It's a real shame. I'm sorry about that.
Lee.
Um, I was thinking what's bigger than a cat
but smaller than a pig? A dog.
I couldn't find a shocking-looking dog.
So in the end I went for a baby's head welded onto a dog.
Do you want to see it? Yeah. Here it is.
Oh, gosh. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.
It's called a realistic baby face mask and the reviews,
Brian Dee said, "Just what we needed for our holidays,
"well made, good quality."
Genuinely on Amazon, that review.
Charlotte can you beat a horrific baby dog hybrid? Yep, I can.
Confidently, I thought, 'Shocking,' OK.
And then I thought, a big bucket of ice.
And that's what she brought in. And that's what I brought in.
Here it is.
I'm excited for you to be positive about this.
It's rubbish. OK. Absolutely rubbish.
Jamali?
Wow! All right. I brought in a mini motorbike, right?
Here it is. Oh, God. It's a mini motorbike, but check it out.
I was so focused on the size, I forgot the shocking.
So you just went with the object part of the challenge?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean to be fair, I am fairly shocked
that you forgot about the shocking part of the task.
Yeah, there you go! So that was something. There you go.
Jesus Christ. Do you know what? I'll settle with three points.
Will you? Yeah. Ill settle with four, actually.
I'll tell you, we'll call it even. Just give me three points,
and then we're good. Can we all say now what we'll settle with?
I'll settle with four. I think Lee deserves five.
Yeah, I'll settle with five. B-b-b-b-buh!
B-b-buh! Sarah?
I asked a friend of mine, cos I was kind of worried about
bringing in a good prize, so she brought out
one of her...she said it's a toy that I bought for my kid.
This is the toy.
And then she said that the tail is a butt plug. Ooh!
And then two people can sit on the ears.
And then I just said I don't think anyone else is seeing that
with that toy? Well, they're not.
I mean, in terms of shape, Greg, it does have a flanged end to prevent
the device from being lost inside the rectum, so it would work.
So it's a shocking donkey. Are you ready to score? Yep.
Are we starting? It's pretty difficult.
Are you starting at the top or the bottom?
It's not difficult to get the bottom. Why?
Well, cos someone brought in a load of ice.
Oh. Oh, I see.
I'm giving Charlotte one point.
I'm going to give all three of the weirdos three points.
Three points to Jamali, three to Mike, three to Sarah.
Pretty happy with that. The only person who brought something
that genuinely shocked me, that disgusting baby thing.
we'll give him five points. Five points to Lee Mack.
There we go. Thank you.
OK. Lay a task on me!
Sure thing.
It's time to take all our clothes off, get hot and sweaty,
and sit on some wood!
Hey, what's up? Hi, Jamali. Hey, you good?
Oh, please don't go past that rope.
Thank you.
What's that for? It's for you.
Thank you.
For you.
Thanks.
What am I missing?
Hey, what's up? What do you mean?
What's the task, man? Oh, yes, sorry.
It's on that, it's on that. Oh, it's on the towel? It's on here?
Yeah. Where's the task?
It's not far away. OK. Yeah.
Don't tell me it's, like, on me? Ahh!
Task on the towel? Can I take it off?
I see. Oh, hello.
Make the sauna stones hiss.
You must be standing behind the rope when the sauna stones hiss.
You may not move the sauna stones or this rope.
That was the first thing I thought. You may not use a hose.
Fastest wins. Your time starts now.
You don't like it when Jamali says "what's up," do you?
You don't like any kind of slang language.
But I'm doing my best. What's up?
Yeah, man. See? We cool!
Cool.
"We cool". That was...that was more irritating than the "what's up".
When you went "we cool"! We are cool!
That's more you.
Let's crack on.
So it's saunas. I like a sauna. I see the health benefits
and we're going to start with Lee Mike, Lee and Mike.
Lee Mack and Mike. Here we go.
Just got to luzz some water at them, right? Um...
"Luzz" did you say? Luzz. I was going to luzz.
Luzz some water. How are you spelling luzz?
Luzz. L-U-Z-Z.
I used to play again called Track and Field on a computer game
in the '80s, and the shot-putter would spin around.
You had to press the button at the exact moment to release it.
Oh, God, that would have worked if I had double-bagged!
Here's a good old luzzer. How are you spelling that?
L-U-Z-Z-E-R.
No. Poor. Poor start.
Aagghhhh!
Oh, for God's sake!
Maybe I should just be luzzing it the old-fashioned way.
Nature's luzzer.
No hit.
Right.
Progress.
How do you gaffer all that together?
It's bamboo time.
Yes!
Now, let's see. Something's happening there, isn't it?
Just before I try that...
I think we all know what I'm going to do!
Sorry.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
I'm just going to go and get some more water. Back in a moment!
Right, try and not get killed.
Here we go! Come on!
HISSING Yes!
What a shot!
Right, I've not got a very good aim, so I wonder if I need to build
a sort of structure that will help encourage the projectile
to its home.
OK. Jessica Ennis.
HISSING
I've stopped the clock! Oh, there we go! Well, thank you.
Thanks, Alex. Lovely.
Lee, your final throw was pretty dramatic.
I was pumped for quite a few hours.
I went straight in, made a cup of tea and had jammy dodger.
It's true.
So, "nature's luzzer" is the first of the catchphrases
that will never catch on, that I wrote down.
"It's bamboo time" being the second.
You know, it's bamboo o'clock, tick-tock!
Hang on there. Let me just put that down on the, uh...
"It's bamboo o'clock, tick-tock!"
Have you got some statistics for us?
Yes, well bamboo o'clock worked for Mike.
He did it in seconds. He did it in 704 seconds,
which is 11 minutes and 44.
Lee was 12 minutes 30, so he was slower than Mike.
He was slower.
Oh, I've just realised it's bamboo time!
Right! Break time. Flood us with adverts!
Welcome back to Taskmaster where we're currently
in the middle of a task. Sauna, Alex?
Little Alex Horne, I thank you.
Yes, they were trying to make some sauna stones hiss from a distance.
Not as easy as you might think. Next to have a hissy fit
are Charlotte and Sarah.
Is there ice in the freezer? Yeah, all right.
SHE LAUGHS
It's not bad.
Oh, no! Come on.
So I'll just do one more.
OK.
That was actually close!
Is that...? I didn't hear a hiss. Did you hear a hiss?
OK.
You thought you could run faster than the water would fall? Yep.
Oh, this is... No.
Oh! Ahhh.
OK.
Whoosh! HISSING
I've stopped the clock. Yes!
Whoosh! Whoosh!
It's hissing! HISSING
Yes, yeah. A little hiss there. thank you.
Thanks!
Right. Well done.
Um, for a while I thought you'd lost your mind,
because you just would continue to throw the ice repeatedly.
When you have no other ideas, you stick to your bad idea
and hope that through sheer persistence you're going to reap
some sort of benefit. It's the definition of madness.
Yeah, very. Yes, absolutely. Yep.
But then you did something far more logical. You took the ice cube
and you build a bridge to put the ice cube on.
I did that.
Um, Charlotte, you said "it's not bad" after your first water throw,
which was about one foot away from you.
So it was quite bad. It was bad.
It's not easy to wield a turkey baster. It isn't. That's true!
It did go "pffunk" straight away, so...
Once you'd devised your pulley system, you then attempted
to run faster than gravity.
Again, yeah, imagine if I had beat it?
Oh, my God. I would have discovered something incredible.
You'd be able to just run up a tree to the moon. Pffwooooh! Yeah.
I can tell you that they both did it in seconds.
710 seconds over here, four seconds quicker than Mike.
At the moment Charlotte's in the lead.
But Sarah did it even faster. What?
Yeah, she did it in 482 seconds, just eight minutes and two seconds.
Right, lots faster. I'm really surprised by that.
All right, do you want to see the Jamali finale? So much.
Here it is.
Do we have any, like, balloons? Balloons? Balloons. Yeah.
Can I get one? Whereabouts are the balloons?
I'll get you a balloon. Yeah, can I get a balloon?
What colour? Any colour. Are you coming with me?
I mean, the thing is, it's a time thing,
and you're not going very fast. Oh, are you chasing me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, OK. If you could just...
..step it up, please. Thank you.
Can you help me out here, mate?
Can you like hold this while I tape it around, please?
Ah, no.
No, not long enough.
Is there a bow and arrow in here?
No, there's no bow and arrow in the shed.
Oh, all right.
HISSING Well, that was a hiss.
Yeah, you're not behind the rope.
Wait for it.
You got to listen, Alex.
FAINT HISSING
Did I pass? I suppose so. Yep? We're counting that as a hiss.
All right! Thanks, Jamali.
Oooh!
Uh, again, I thoroughly enjoyed how irritated you get with Alex for...
It's like, it's a time thing and he just sort of goes,
"OK, any colour?" It's... Yeah, yeah, crack on.
I did trot along in the end.
It's incredibly irritating asking what colour balloon as well.
Yeah, yeah. What does it matter? Well, it might matter.
It didn't matter. No, it didn't matter.
Just to explain what happened with the sauna for Jamali.
The reason why we were trying to light it was cos
when the balloon burst, it put out the sauna.
The whole match system was born...
necessity being the mother of invention was born
when you were trying to light the thing, right?
Different type of hiss though, isn't it? It's a hiss though.
It's a hiss, mate. Is it a hiss, would you describe it as a hiss?
It is a hiss, mate. I'm counting it as a hiss.
I appreciate that. You can take that to the bank. Yeah. OK.
I mean, it's slightly academic because it took him 25.5 minutes.
Jamali came last, so he gets one point.
Then it goes Lee with two points, 12 minutes.
Mike, three points, 11.44. Charlotte four points, 11.40.
But Sarah gets all five points with eight minutes and two seconds.
Yes! The ice bridge was triumphant. Scoreboard then, please.
Very satisfying for me.
It's 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, with Sarah in the lead with 8!
Lovely! Lovely. Do we have time for another one?
Oh, we have all the time in the Gregorian calendar!
CLOCK TRILLS Hey, what's up?
Hello, Jamali. Nice to see you again.
Do you want me to say "what's up" back? Nah.
OK.
"What's up" is like a thing you respond to, it's not like,
"what's up". "What's up?" Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Create the best new way to remember how many days
each of the months has.
I'm not sure I know the answer to that.
You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now.
Um, can I borrow your pen? Yes.
I just have to remember the basics before we do anything. Right.
Do you mind if I scrawl on this? Thank you.
Can I have a calendar, please? Do you mind what pictures are on it?
I just need a calendar ASAP, cos it's 20 minutes...
Can you.... just get the calendar, get the calendar.
I need to talk to a producer after this,
cos the time needs to be stopped when you're...
Just get the calendar. I can't deal with this.
There's a poem kicking around out there.
I've heard talk of this poem. You know it!
Right so we've got 30 days have September...
April, June...
November.
All the rest have 31.
Except for February, blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Right, I've got to confess here that I don't know
what the last line of that is.
"30 days have September, April, June and November.
"All the rest have 31, except for February, blee bluh bleee..."
I think it's what I always do in my head.
Do you want me to tell you the rest of it? Yes, please.
We had it as a reading at my wedding.
It goes, "All the rest have 31, but February's 28,
"the leap year which comes once in four gives February one day more."
No, that's not it. That's awful and that can't be it.
It doesn't even scan!
It makes me want to run up a tree to the moon!
So we're looking for an alternative to that?
Yes, just a way for you to remember the number of days in the month.
Let's crack on. OK. First up, it's a man.
He's got facial hair, but not just a moustache.
He's got a lovely big bushy beard. Yes, it's Mr Jamali Maddix.
Look, the time should be stopped.
Like, it's unfair, cos I'm based on his time of slowness.
Calendar, do you have my calendar? Yes, I'm putting it over here.
OK. Oh, so can I get more time on the clock? Um...
Thank you. I will leave him a voice mail.
So you're going to leave him... What's his full name?
I forgot his full name. Greg, Greg Davis.
Greg Davis, that's it.
He's got... I love Greg Davis, he's a funny guy.
He was good in Inbetweeners and, erm,
all the other great stuff he's done.
Hey, Greg. It's Jamali Maddix here.
So I'm just going to leave you a voice mail and then you can
go back to it when you need to go back to it.
Um, January has 31 days in the month.
Uh, February has 29, but I think sometimes it's a leap year.
You've got March, 31 days. Same as January.
You have April which is actually my birthday month, is 30 days.
So if you want to send me a gift.
July, which is summertime, and it's got 31 days,
which is nice cos we've got more days in the summer, I guess.
You've got August which is 31. October, which is 31 again.
November, we're at 30.
You got December, we're at 31. That's Christmas month.
And that's it! That's the... that's the whole thing.
So, yeah, give me a text back if you want.
Yeah, thank you, man. Appreciate it.
Quite a long message. I mean, it's a lot of information, isn't it?
You definitely haven't watched this show before you agreed to be on it.
Of course I've seen the show! You don't even know who I am!
I know who you are! I know who you are.
You don't know my name! I know Greg!
You knew some of his name. You don't know my second name.
Why do I need to know it? Hey, listen it's not about me.
In what situation am I going to think, "Oh, I'm not I'm not sure
"how many days there are in this month,
"I'll just listen to Jamali's voice mail?"
Did you not say just before, "I can't even remember
"the rhyme for the thing. It goes..."
Well, I didn't say it like that! OK.
So then I've given you personally a gift,
and then now you can listen back to it and remember.
It was one hell of an opener. Who's next?
It's the Australian Sarah Kendall and Shane Richie.
Sorry? Shane Rich... Charlotte Ritchie!
I don't understand how leap years work,
so I don't know if that matters. I guess it does matter,
because you have to remember how many days each one has.
So the way I remember it is January February, March, April, May, June,
July, August, September, October, November, December.
The up ones are 31 and the downs are 30.
So we need an up and a down, and it needs to be memorable.
That's a clock. That's exciting. Yeah.
I guess the problem is is that time only has two hands.
J, M, M. Oh, I need more vowels.
Jm, jm, jaod. Jammjoad!
Then the leftover letters are "snadge".
So I'm thinking of April? Yeah, Snadge.
Or Jammjoad.
August. Ah.
Ah, that's two Js. One, two, three, four, five, six.
It just needs six hands
and then the second set of hands will be longer.
Cos effectively what I'm doing is making a calendar
that you can look at! Can I make this into a real clock? Yes.
If you lie in a certain way...
OK, so if he starts on his left foot.
31, 28, 31, 30.
So.
Oh. Yep. the only problem is that the clock actually,
it turns out I think since I've been making it, has manipulated the arms.
Cos at the moment June doesn't have any days and July's got 61.
Yeah.
August, elbow September.
Oh, I'm just going to have to lower it.
Back up to the shoulder for October.
Keep November, December 31!
Greg has to sit like this! And what's the system?
The joints of the body.
So if I say to you July?
January, February, March, April, May, June, July!
It's your 31.
Did you initially, when you...
when you developed your letter system, you wanted me to learn
jammjoad snadge?
Yes! I did!
I was in such a state of panic, I felt sick!
The body system's good, as long as I remember to stay like this, right?
I have tried to represent it in a graphic, which should clear that up.
Looks like this. That's an easy thing to remember, isn't it?
And the red? Reds are up, so they have more numbers.
Reds are up, yeah.
Mate, it really is a workable system though, isn't it?
If you think it is, then it is.
Well, it is. And it doesn't involve me
listening to a 35 minute answerphone message.
Are you saying its easier to do that than to press play?
It's not easier, it's less time-consuming.
Charlotte, I write down some of my favourite quotes
as the series rattle on, and that's going in the quote book.
"I guess the problem is that time only has two hands."
Yes. It doesn't make any more sense the more you think about it.
It's wrong. Well, cos, yeah, famously clocks have three hands,
there's the minutes and the hours and the seconds. Oh.
Yes, they do. They do, of course.
They do have three hands.
The task wasn't necessarily to make a better system
for remembering the months, it was a system.
But I think it's implied it should be better than the poem.
But what's good is you just look at it, you know.
Well, you tell me a month that I want to know,
and I'll whisk around and look at it. OK, October.
Here it is. Yeah, easy.
It's pink. 30! No, it's got 31. The clock is broken.
Yeah, she got muddled up with the pink and blue in the end,
so the whole thing is wrong. So the whole thing is wrong,
so you know that that's true.
So now that you know that it's wrong what would you answer?
I can reverse engineer my answer. Let's try it! June. Um...
You're stitching me up, Alex. 31.
So... Another 30!
Another part dies, but I shall resurrect her!
LIGHTNING CRASHES
She will be reborn!
Hello and welcome back to Taskmaster.
Alex, remind the insolents what the task was before the break.
They're so insolent - but also some of them are really cool.
Before the break these guys were all trying to create a new
way to remember how many days each month has.
You want to see the last two guys? Yes, please.
OK. It's our very own Calendar Girls, it's Lee and Mike.
Mm.
Don't have a bath if you're feeling dirty
if the month only contains days that are 30.
I'm talking of September, April... No, I'm not.
I'm talking of September, April and June,
and November's not good if you're a sweaty baboon.
Now, I can't read my own writing. Hang on.
Don't wash in February because that's 28 or 29.
Use a flannel instead to remove all the brine.
All the...? Brine. I couldn't think of a word!
Brine is sort of, like...
I don't know what brine is but it's just, it's...
Grime! Grime!
OK.
November's not good if you're a sweaty baboon
but don't wash in February because that's 28 out of 29, use
a flannel instead to remove all the grime.
All the rest are OK, cos they've got 31, have a bath if you like
and treat yourself to a scone.
WHISTLE BLOWS That's you're 20 minutes up, Mike.
Er, I've got a pneumonic for the Taskmaster.
LAUGHTER
Can I just see this in action? Hi, Mike. Hi.
Oh, how many days does October have? October?
O - Orangutans - 31.
31 dead orang... You're not going to forget 31 dead orangutans.
It's an horrific sight, they're endangered.
I was born in September.
Samurai - 30 days - er, cos of the 30 Samurai that nobbled...
..April. Thank you, Mike. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
It does work but it relies on me remembering all of that madness.
Quite heavy-duty. It wasn't explicit,
but it was implied it should be better than the original thing.
It should be memorable. It should be memorable. Yeah, fair play.
Lee, the only thing I remember about that poem is that we
all need to get brine off us, like we're giant tuna fish.
The word grime was always there and I went with brine for some reason.
The poem started with, "Now, listen here, you...
That's always a good start to a poem. Listen here, you!
That's like a northern version of once upon a time.
I'm ready to pass judgment on this. I can't wait. Right.
Lee, one point. Oh, that's harsh. I will remember...
..that October's the month of monkey massacre,
and for that, he can have two points.
Charlotte's system gets three points because it sort of works
if I'm prepared...
..if I'm prepared to reverse your logic, I'll get there.
Which means incredibly I'm going to give Jamali's
rubbish...his rubbish voicemail second place with four points
and Sarah takes a sweet jamjod snedge, five points.
Well done, Sarah Kendall. This one's for jamjod.
What's next, little Alex Horne? Well, we're all going on a holiday.
Hello, Lee. Ah...
Does it look like I'm in Top Gun? Not really. Oh.
Hi, Jamali. How are you doing? I'm good.
If you want to go around there to the luggage trolley,
that would be great. How are you? I'm good, thank you, how are you?
Yeah, all right, yeah.
"Get all of your luggage through security."
"You must stay inside the maze
"until your luggage has been through the X-ray machine."
"You may go under one rope and release one rope."
"You may also disconnect one pole completely but you must then
"pick up that pole and carry it for the rest of the task."
"If any of your luggage touches any of the barriers,
"the maze will restart and you must start again."
"Fastest wins, your time starts now."
I'm not going to say the last sentence yet,
because I'm older than the other contestants,
and I don't retain the information like the others. Quite a lot older.
I've already forgotten the first four sentences. Mm-hm.
I would sum this task up as being irritatingly complicated.
So complicated. In a good way?
No, no, in a way that makes me want to kill you. Let's go.
OK, well, the simple task is to... It wasn't simple, was it, Alex?
But carry on. ..get all your luggage through security.
It's time to check out Mike and Charlotte checking in.
Right, OK, thank you.
If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to have a quick look and see...
It's a fiddly old thing, isn't it? Where have I got to go? There.
Passport and boarding pass.
The temptation was to just sort of lazum over the...
But I mean, I don't... My aim isn't that impressive.
All right, OK.
The old fiddly trolley.
Don't forget.
You've released one rope. I have released one rope.
Release that one.
Didn't strike the barrier, but it very nearly did.
It very nearly did, didn't it?
Oh.
OK.
Just to be on the safe side, a good hands-free technique.
That doesn't count, does it, because it's not...
It's all up to you, do you think it counts?
Oh, if it's up to me, it didn't touch anything. Oh, OK.
OK, got it. OK.
Oh, OK.
Yep. OK.
Hello there. Hello.
Please can I see your boarding pass and passport?
I mean, I've got... I've got that.
Oh, hang on.
I can see what looks like a passport.
LAUGHTER OK!
OK. Thank you, that's fine.
It's lucky these are all empty. They're all empty, are they? Yep.
Over the ropes.
Slightly unsettling. Thank you.
Do you want me to stop the clock? Yep. I've stopped it. All right.
Time off.
I think we're through. Have a nice trip. Thank you, Alex.
I'll go this way.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Right, Charlotte looked fresh-faced and positive, whereas Mike looked,
as I imagine he looks when he takes his actual family through passport
control, like he could flip out at any minute, and leave them all.
Mike was the only one who then took all the luggage away,
everyone else thought, "The task is over, I'll leave the luggage."
But he thought he was off on holiday at that point.
I think I'm just too heavily conditioned by institutions,
rules, and once I set off on a path, I just have to keep going.
Where did you take them?
I think when I hit fresh air, then I sort of came to. What, you...?
I think someone gave me a sugary tea and I calmed down.
As an older person,
I actually found Charlotte's positivity quite annoying.
I knew you'd say that.
Almost too positive, though, because Charlotte, as you saw,
one of her bags did strike one of the barriers. It did.
And she decided not to start again at that point. Ah.
So, what are you saying, that Charlotte absolutely fucked it?
I wouldn't have used those words,
I would have said completely fucked it.
Give me some times.
Well, she did take six minutes 53, so she would have been quick,
but she failed. Such a shame. Such a shame.
Mike, eight minutes 29. OK, everyone, break time now.
So, intoxicate yourselves on some adverts for a while,
and then return to the climax of the show.
Someone's going to win a bucket of ice!
APPLAUSE
Hello, everyone and welcome inside the fourth
and final part of the show.
Yeah, I reckon its going to be a sick final part of the show.
Before the break, the competitors were trying to make their way around
an airport check-in maze.
The next people we're going to see hanging around in a hanger
are Lee, Sarah and Jamali.
Oh, shit.
Right, put that there.
Where are you going today?
I'm just going over there.
OK.
OK, so I can disconnect one.
Oh, why did I do that one? Can I reconnect it?
No.
Oh, I've reached a dead end.
You must go under one rope and release one.
Oh, so I can go under that?
Go under. I can go under another one.
Oh.
Oh, it just hit the... It didn't touch.
That touched.
METALLIC CLANG
Well, it sounded like it hit one.
It did.
Have to start again, don't I?
Yeah, I made it. Oh, hello there.
Um, can I see your passport and boarding pass, please?
LAUGHING: I don't have a passport and boarding pass.
You're entering from a different point. Yes. OK.
You have released one rope.
Right.
Oh, its heavy, isn't it?
Yes.
Do you know, if you scan them through while I'm looking for it
cos it's in one of my bags. You might as well scan them
cos I'm coming through anyway. You want me to put that through?
Yes, put it through. I haven't seen your... Yeah, yeah. Thank you.
So I can take this off here.
Uh-huh.
Oh, hi there. Hi, how are you? I'm good.
Please can I see your boarding pass and passport?
Erm...
Hello, there sir.
I can't put your luggage on until I see your passport and boarding pass.
But that's over there.
I can't go under now, can I?
Hm, I don't think you can. You can go over.
Oh, I should have done that before.
Can you throw that away for me, please?
Yes, you can't take that onboard. Yep, I know.
I feel like you're giving me extra plane security by the way, but...
Why would I do that? I'm just...
You know, I don't I don't know, you tell me.
Cos of the glasses?
Yeah, cos of the glasses.
SARAH: I mean, I'm presuming it's in one of these bags.
Well, they're your bags. Yeah, they are, and I did pack them myself.
Hm.
OK, do you have any liquids on you?
Oh, yeah. Is that the wrong answer?
Fluids?
Ah, yes, you can't take them on the plane. No, I'm aware of that.
Feels heavy.
Yes.
Crafty.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Comical, I get it.
Funny bit. Yeah, funny bit.
Oh, yeah, OK, yeah, yeah. Cool.
I can't let you put your last bag through until I see your passport.
Yeah. I'm just going to have to stop the machine.
I do need to see your passport.
Was I meant to have picked up a passport earlier somewhere?
OK.
I've stopped the clock.
You can, uh, get on the plane.
"Get all your luggage through security." So it's done.
But it's not through security cos I haven't seen your passport. Oh, OK.
I need to check you are who you say you are.
But all my luggage is through. You put it through.
Well, it's not quite through. No...
Please don't.
I think I've done very well on this task.
Yes. I've stopped the clock. And we're done.
Yeah, they're through? Yep.
All right, I've stopped the clock. OK.
Thank you, Jamali. If you are Jamali.
Have a nice holiday. Yep.
Bye-bye.
APPLAUSE
There we go. Yes, lovely.
To me, tonally, it felt like a mental competence test
for people who've had their driving licences taken off of them.
Yeah, it did. I think that's fair, I think that's fair.
I'd summarise it as Last Of The Summer Wine
meets The Krypton Factor. LAUGHING
Even The Krypton Factor. Even saying the word The Krypton Factor...
No-one knows that. I mean, Jamali, do remember the heady days
of The Krypton Factor? I genuinely don't know
what you're talking about. He doesn't know this show.
I mean, what's really awful is watching just how slow
my mind works. Well, you cleverly thought "I could enter the maze
"from a different place," but then you stayed right at the back
of the maze. You could have entered right by it
if you were doing that tactic. Yeah, I know.
I have no defence here. I mean, this was an appalling piece of footage.
But they did find the liquids. So that's up to you to judge on Mike.
OK. You took no joy in that game whatsoever?
No, I enjoyed it. Fun.
Did you? He enjoyed the maze bit more than anyone.
He sort of saw his way through. He got there very quickly,
but then he had to search through every bag twice.
I just liked how pathetic Alex was as security, where he goes,
"I have to see your passport," and he was like, "I haven't got one,"
and he goes, "Well, go on, then."
On you go. But it didn't say you couldn't bully your way through.
It didn't say that.
It didn't say you can't juggernaut your way through security.
You looked absolutely furious to me. I'd have let you through, as well.
I don't want to set a precedent that you can bully me and get the points.
No, he can't have the points.
If the passport was part of the rules, he can't have the points.
Really? Yeah.
I wish I was as brave as you. So, no points to Jamali
because he didn't present a passport. There you go.
No points to Mike because he didn't find the water.
No points to Charlotte cos her bag touched the barrier. There you go.
So, weirdly, Sarah gets 4 points. Yeah. That's insane.
And even more insane, Lee gets 5 points for 11 minutes 37.
APPLAUSE There you go. That's insanity.
That's insanity, but I'll take it.
Quick look at the scores. Yes, three people on eight points,
so that's Charlotte, Jamali and Mike.
The outright leader, though, is on 17, and that's Sarah Kendall.
APPLAUSE
OK, everyone, please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show.
What's up? No.
OK, then.
That was awful.
That was terrible.
I thought it was pretty fresh. Me too.
Fresh 28. Fresh 28.
I would like Charlotte Richie to read it out this time.
OK.
"Act out a nursery rhyme for the taskmaster to guess.
"Each team has three minutes to act out their nursery rhymes.
"Most nursery rhymes guessed by the taskmaster wins.
"You must remain silent and on your spots throughout."
So it's a team task. The team of two is going first. Yep.
Good luck with the nursery rhymes. Good luck understanding them, Greg.
Here we go. Oh, God. Three minutes starts...
HE BLOWS WHISTLE
Um, Baa Baa Black Sheep.
Correct. OK, next one.
Four, ten... Four, ten... It is numbers.
Four, twenty.
Four And Twenty Blackbirds.
Correct. Next one.
Oh. Ah.
It's a classic.
Humpty Dumpty?
Correct.
Erm, The Cat... The Owl And The Pussy-Cat?
The fiddle?
Sounds like fiddle.
Moon.
Fiddle. Yeah, The Cow Jumped Over The Moon?
What's it called?
Hey Diddle Diddle. Correct. Yes!
Oh, man!
Fish.
Once I Caught A Fish Alive.
We'll give you it.
They're really good.
Clock And The Cat.
LAUGHING
Hickory Dickory Dock.
Correct.
Blind Anus. LAUGHING
Not Blind Anus. Three Blind Mice. Correct.
Teapot. I'm A Little Teapot.
Unlucky there.
Oh, sounds like kettle.
Umbrella. It sounds a lot like kettle.
Parasol.
They're penalised by my idiocy.
Give me the second word.
Cricket?
Bat?
Golf?
Putt?
Putt! Sorry.
Oh! Polly Put The Kettle On, you prick! Sorry.
What's the matter with you?! Absolutely fair comment.
So, well done. I'll warn the second team now,
I don't know any more nursery rhymes.
Yeah, I'm not sure I do either.
Please rotate until the team of three are in the miming position.
I'm hoping that the team of three now are at a disadvantage
cos now he's got to watch three people at once.
You're three minutes start...
HE BLOWS WHISTLE
Sun?
Moon?
Telescope?
LAUGHING
Please be quiet.
Record?
Sounds like drive.
Sounds like car.
I mean, this is unbelievable.
I mean, it's infuriating, innit?
I feel for you guys and I want to win.
Erm...
Scar?
And you've said sun and moon.
Sun and... Oh, Sun And The Moon And The Stars?
Oh, no, but you've got stars now.
Stars...
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star! Correct!
Row Row Row Your Boat.
He's back on it.
Three words. First word.
Ear?
Oh, God! Men!
Listen?
Sounds like. LAUGHING
Sounds like cut.
Oh, mate, you've got no chance with that.
Sounds like sever.
Hand. Oh, my God.
Drive. Where are these guys going?
Dig.
I don't...
Two people.
And they're going somewhere.
They're going up the stairs.
Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill?
Correct.
30 seconds left.
Are you Christ?
London Bridge Is Falling Down? Correct.
Kangeroo.
Sounds like kangaroo.
Hop. WHISTLE BLOWS
I'm sorry, folks.
It was Mary Had A Little Lamb.
It's like charades at Christmas with your very elderly grandad, isn't it?
Come down and we will add it to the final scores.
APPLAUSE
Very good.
You only managed to guess four of the team of three.
One every 45 seconds.
Oh, wow.
The team of two, you managed to guess seven.
First of all, everyone's going to get points out of this
cos I do think the team of two were more efficient.
So there has to be a gulf of sorts. Sure.
OK, so I'm going to give them five points each,
and I'm going to give the other team three points each.
Well, well done, Mike and Lee.
Five points. APPLAUSE
The series scoreboard is hotting up.
Lee and Mike both have 51, Sarah's in the lead with 55.
In this episode, Charlotte and Jamali joint last with 11,
Sarah is the winner with 20 points.
Yay! No?
Sarah Kendall wins.
Please go and collect your midsize shocking prizes.
Thank you, everyone.
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that I don't know many nursery rhymes,
apart from this new classic.
Jammjaod Snadge is Sarah's friend and Lee is covered in brine,
Alex's friends are all pretend and Mike likes bamboo time.
Charlotte says time has just two hands,
she wishes that it would go faster,
and that leaves Jamali all on his own, he's never heard of Taskmaster.
We'll see you next time,
but for now let's applaud tonight's winner one more time, Sarah Kendall!
APPLAUSE