This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Ha-haa!
No way!
Er... Gosh!
Where's the hole?
Urghh! Ahh! Uhhh...
Are you having a laugh?
SHE GASPS - Ooh! - Aghh!
APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello, everybody, I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
There are those that think that this series - series 13 - is cursed.
There are those that say I have the legs of a goat
and can be seen on the moors devouring pork by moonlight.
There are those that think all of the losers of Taskmaster
are done away with and replaced by robots that I use to do my bidding.
There are those that think
I shouldn't write introductions to the show when I'm tired.
And here are five of them.
Ardal O'Hanlon! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Bridget Christie!
Chris Ramsey!
Judi Love!
And Sophie Duker!
And next to me the answer to the question
what would happen if you forced a yak through a sausage machine?
It's...
FALSETTO: ..little Alex Horne!
CHEERING
Thank you.
All right, then, love? How are you?
I'm excited because I'm just about to say
my millionth word of the year.
I'm now 14 short
and I want you to choose my millionth.
All right.
There you are.
Biffins!
That bit between your front and your back.
That's your millionth word. That's my millionth this year. Yep.
There's always next year, isn't there?
Right. What's the prize-task category, please, Alex?
Well, this one's safely up there in our top 109 prize tasks.
We asked them to bring in the best night-time thing.
Ooh. Five points for whomever has brought in the best night-time thing
and at the end of the show, the winner will take home five night-time things
and guarantee themselves a thoroughly good Monday to Friday.
Very good. Judi Love.
I said, erm,
a lovely duvet.
Look at it.
This is practical, it keeps you warm
and when you're hot, you can put your foot out of it...
I didn't realise you could put your feet out. Yeah.
I thought they had to stay within the confines... No, no, no. No.
Only special people know this. But you...
..can also use it for camping.
Why are you saying this like...like it's the first time
anyone's ever thought of it?
What do you expect from me for that?
"What? You can take it out of the house?!"
There's so much stuff you can do with a duvet at night-time.
You can make a tent, you can sleep downstairs with it.
Do you know what I mean?
You can play ghost. It would be a big, fat ghost,
but you can play. I mean, the person that doesn't beat duvet,
hang your heads in shame.
Genius. Ardal.
Ah, well, obviously, er, night-vision goggles.
Ooh! Are they night-vision goggles?
Well, they're swimming goggles, but, er...
They are the best night-time thing
because when you wake up at night, uh, you can see.
Uh, and I...I...I...
Do you wear them in bed? Of course I wear them in bed!
So when I wake up and if there's someone in the room, I can see them.
So what are the practical applications of night-vision goggles for you? Right.
I don't sleep well. And my wife does sleep well,
but she doesn't like me turning the light on at night, so if there's an intruder comes in,
I've got a little advantage. Over your wife?
Over my wife.
Um, Sophie, can you beat night-vision goggles?
Uh, I think the best night-time thing
is an owl. But... I mean...
It's... Yeah.
I think... Do you know what?
Already I think she's right!
Already!
I think owls are creatures of the night,
they can... Not only do they have night vision,
but they can see all around.
But, um, owls and people
don't make great bedfellows.
Oh, it's not a live owl. It's an owl hot-water bottle.
And here it is.
So the thing is it might keep you warm,
but when you're cold, can you put your foot out of it?
Uh, that's how they catch their prey, isn't it, on heat.
On heat? I think... Their eyesight is actually, um...
Their eyes are actually bigger than their brains. Oh, right.
Which means sometimes it looks at a crossword and thinks, "I can do that", but it can't.
It's not as clever as it thinks it is.
It's a hot-water bottle, but it's a cute one.
Might get you two points, let's see. Chris.
A bed. A bed. He's brought a bed in.
Oh, Chris. I mean, honestly,
that is so basic. Shall we list things you can do on a bed?
Yeah. Yeah... Every single thing you said plus it's a trampoline.
Any special features?
Er, memory-foam mattress. BRIDGET: That's the mattress though.
They don't work. I got one of them.
It doesn't remember me.
It rejects me!
All right, Chris. Bridget, hello. Hi. What have you brought in?
A fox.
ALL: Aww!
SOPHIE: You brought in the natural predator of the owl.
Why's it the best night-time thing?
I think they're magical and, er, they're all around us all the time
and we don't notice them. The amount of films
and in literature and in Japanese folklore...
You have convinced me that the fox means a lot to you.
They're in... They skulk around the suburbs in the middle of the night
like a jazz drummer trying to score heroin. They don't skulk...
Right, score some points. Yes, what is the best night-time thing?
Shall we start with the worst? OK, what's the worst?
Judi Love. And unfortunately, Chris,
I'm sure your bed's absolutely lovely, but I must only give it two points.
Sophie's coy owl will take three points.
Coy owl. So it is night-time goggles versus fox.
The idea of him in night-vision goggles,
it delights me that one point more. That is my judgement.
There we go, Ardal O'Hanlon gets five points!
Let's have a task proper. OK, then.
Well, I have a big task for you
set in a little church.
FOOTSTEPS
Ohh.
It's like a sample sale.
This is like a nightmare.
It's like Blair Witch or something. Sponsored by JD Sports.
"Display the shoe Alex is thinking of."
"All the other shoes must be out of sight at the end of your attempt."
"You may only ask yes or no questions and you must say,
"'I have to find the shoe' after every answer."
"You must shout,
"'No way! after every answer."
I must say "OK, just one more thing" after every answer.
I must laugh with disbelief after every answer.
I must get increasingly exasperated
after every answer.
"Fewest questions wins."
"Your time starts now."
So this is like Guess Who
with shoes. So what's it called?
Shoe Who. OK.
Guess Shoe. Yeah. OK.
If you think I'm not thinking of a particular shoe,
please pop it out of that window. I will be counting any questions you ask.
Maybe I don't have to ask any questions.
It's one tactic. Mmm.
Do you like shoes? Yes.
No way! So that's...
That's what we've got to do.
No way.
APPLAUSE
That's the opener you went with, is it? "Do you like shoes?"
Yeah. Bit annoyed that that got counted.
I counted every question. Every question.
Right, let's crack on. Yes. As this task is taking place in a church,
who better to start with than a bit of "Christie 'n' Love"?
Bridget Christie 'n' Judi Love.
Can I have some gloves, please?
You cold? No, I don't like touching shoes. Oh.
Is the shoe you're thinking of... Is that how we do it?
Oh, that's a question, isn't it?
Trainers? No.
Ha-haa!
Is it a baby's shoe?
No. Is it an adult... Please say...
Just one more thing. OK, just one more thing. OK, just one more thing.
Is it an adult's shoe? Yes.
OK, just one more thing.
Football boots? No. A-ha-haa!
Is it a man's shoe? No.
Is... Is it these? No.
Is it these? No.
So it's not those. Is it these? No.
Off you pop. Is it these? No.
Is it these? You haven't said, "OK, just one more thing."
OK, just one more thing. Is it these? No.
Does your toe show? Yes, it does.
Ha-haaah!
It's not those. Is it?
Oh, you still asked a question. What? No.
Alex? Hello, Judi. I think you should take those down for me.
Oh, right, OK. And these.
Out the window, is it? Yes, Alex, out the window.
Thank you, Judi.
OK, just one more thing. Is it the bowling shoes?
No. So I have to get those down now? That's another question.
Is it any of those? No. Is it on the back row? No.
OK, just one more thing. Is it these? No. OK, just one more thing. Is it these?
OK, just one more thing... One more... One more... Is it a pair of shoes?
Mm, no.
I've got one. That's not good enough.
Is it a bright shoe, Alex?
Is it a bright colour? Is it a bright colour, Alex?
Yes. You did ask me that question five times.
No, no, don't take the piss. Right.
Is it those? You've just asked me about those. Oh, yeah.
Alex, are these your dutty shoes?
Sort of.
There must've been a pair that I missed.
Right, I'll have to go through them individually again though.
Is this the shoe?
Yes.
It's not these either. No. It isn't these? No.
And you also said no for these. Yeah.
I'm having a deja vu.
How would you like to display it?
Thank God we're in a church because I would tell you some words.
Bye, Alex. Bye, Judi.
OK, just one more thing. None of these shoes?
Yes.
OK, just one more thing. Is it one of these? Yes.
OK, just one more thing. Is it that shoe? Yes.
Oh, my God.
And then if you could turn round.
Right, I can't see any shoes.
OK, thanks, bye. Bye-bye.
APPLAUSE
Bridget, you and I have sort of known each other on and off for a few years now.
Yeah. And it's only after watching that VT
for the first time did I question your intelligence.
I was cursed by something in the church.
It had been deconsecrated, the church.
But it does make some sense because you did say quite a lot more questions
than there were shoes. Wow. How many questions did she ask?
161 questions. JUDI: No!
That's quite something. And I'll tell you something else -
it's the first time in 13 series
that I've seen Alex Horne genuinely irritated. Yeah.
Let's have a look at Alex Horne
genuinely annoyed.
It's not those, is it?
Oh, you still asked a question. What?
No!
Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like seeing that.
Please can I say something about that? Yeah. I could see how annoyed he was.
And that wasn't very supportive.
I thought Judi seemed pretty efficient to me.
Yes. 24 questions. Yeah, you tricked me on some of those questions.
You say 23, let's take off three of them so we got 21, yeah?
20. Or 20. 20 or 24 questions from Judi.
Yep. Right. We're stopping to catch our breath.
There will be more shoes after the break. Shoo! You!
Then come back for shoe! New shoe, for you!
APPLAUSE
Hello again and welcome back to the second part of tonight's show.
Quick reminder of the task in play, please, Alex.
Everyone is trying to guess my shoe, Greg.
Fewest questions wins. Next up, it's Sophie Duker
and Chris Ramsey!
AS GEORDIES: No way!
Is it a sporting shoe? No.
No way!
Does the shoe
have laces?
No.
Would you class this as a sport? No.
No way!
Can I have these ones? Now, then, is that a question?
No!
You were quite exasperated then.
So I'm just not allowed to ask questions? Now, is that a question?
Oh, my God!
I should've said "sporty". Because there's a grey area here.
Ah. You're putting on the fish shoes. Yeah.
Does the shoe you're thinking of
have laces? No.
No way!
No grey area here, Chris. The grey area has gone.
Does it have, like, a heel
with height?
Do you understand the question? Now, was that a question,
whether I understood the question?
Does it have a heel?
No. No.
Not really. What do you mean, "Not really"? It's a yes or no question.
I think all shoes have heels. No, they don't.
Does this have a heel of height?
So there's another question.
Are you getting exasperated?
Does the shoe you're thinking of have a closed toe? No.
No way!
Right. Can you tell me how many questions I've asked?
So with that one, seven. No!
No! Well, at least you're getting exasperated.
Is the shoe you're thinking of
on my right? No.
No way!
Is the shoe you're thinking of on that side of the room?
No.
Is the shoe you're thinking of on my right? Yes.
No way!
Which one do you want? Both. Both my shoes.
Hm.
You threw them further than the others. Yeah.
AUDIENCE CRIES OUT IN SHOCK
No, that was wrong, that was wrong. The closed-toe thing,
I've confused meself.
Didn't seem very exasperated.
OK, it does, it does.
Ooh. Does the shoe you're thinking of
have a buckle on it? No.
No way!
Would the shoe that you're thinking of make you feel bold
and ballerinas?
Yes.
Are you thinking of the right shoe?
No.
Thank you, Chris. Thanks, Alex.
Weirdly fun. Weirdly fun.
APPLAUSE
Chris Ramsey enters all tasks like a bouncy, happy puppy.
Yes. And he was the only person not to leave that room hating you.
Yes. As evidenced by Sophie's face...
Yep.
By the end of it, I just thought you wanted to murder him.
Yes.
I think I was getting increasingly exasperated
but forgetting that was what you'd asked me to do.
Both similar systems. The geography system is the way to do it.
If you just divided them in half each time, you'd get the shoe in seven questions.
What Chris did well, he barely wasted a question.
13 in total. Pretty impressive. WHOOPING AND WHISTLING
But the woman who'd like to squeeze the life out of you...
Yes. Er, 30 in total.
It just leaves Ardal to go. He threatened to complete the task
without asking any questions at all. High hopes here.
Let's see how he got on.
Um,
is it a blue shoe? No.
It's not a blue shoe? Was that... No, no, no, that's one question!
I have to find the shoe.
Is it a shoe that you would mainly use for sports?
No. I have to find the shoe. Basketball.
Bowling.
Walking is a sport. OK.
I would argue most shoes are for walking.
Well, that's where we differ, Alex.
Would you wear this particular shoe
to a funeral?
No. You wouldn't wear it to a funeral?
Well, I certainly wouldn't, no. No.
You wouldn't wear these unless you were...
..going to Elvis's funeral or something.
No, you wouldn't wear your white ones to a funeral.
Well, I did say I wouldn't wear my shoe to a funeral.
HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
You wouldn't wear the shoe to a funeral.
Oh, you wouldn't wear it, OK.
Is it a...
Is it a left shoe?
Yes.
It is a left shoe.
OK... I need to...find its counterpart.
I have to find the shoe.
You would wear those to a funeral. Of course you would.
These you would. Oh, yeah.
Course you would! ALEX LAUGHS
Not going to wear sandals to a funeral. I suppose kids get away with murder.
They could wear whatever they want. Not going to wear them.
Wouldn't wear those.
SLOWED DOWN: I have to find the shoe...
But not these two. So...
..I'm going to go with...
Is that the shoe you were thinking of? No.
What do you have to do?
I have to find the shoe.
Is it a red shoe?
Is it reddish? Yes.
I have to find the shoe.
Could you pass that sandaly one there?
This? Yeah, that one.
OK, I want to display this. Is this the shoe?
Yes. Is it?!
Yeah.
APPLAUSE
Wow!
BRIDGET: Oh, my God. CHRIS: Wow.
Before that, uh, lucky twist of fate at the end,
I would say a more heart-breaking image
than Ardal sitting on a cage of shoes
you'll struggle to see...
I can read you out his last two questions. They're quite heart-breaking. Please.
The last two were "Will Taskmaster be happy?"
and "Can you help me get back in?"
Taskmaster's very happy!
With the wisdom of hindsight,
was your funeral system the best system?
In theory, it was, but I do blame Alex. Ah.
Er, I asked a simple question - "Would you wear it to a funeral?"
and he said something like, "I wouldn't not wear it..."
I think I said, "No." Did you?!
How many questions? 40.
Oh! I mean, second last, but not last
by 121 questions.
Well, look, Bridget one point for 161 questions
then it's Ardal, Sophie, Judi.
Chris, just 13 questions, five points!
There it is!
Scoreboard, please. It's the closest episode of the series so far.
There's just two separating all five of them.
We have joint leaders - Ardal and Chris - on seven points.
APPLAUSE
Pretty close. Pretty close.
Have you got another one ready? Ooh, yes. Ooh!
Yes, and I've got some lovely news - unless you're my wife -
I'm getting married again!
HE SIGHS After you, Chris.
Oh, thank you very much. Braver than me. Kind of you.
Hello, Bridget. Ah.
Hello. Oh, you've brought Sophie.
I did, yes. Oh, and Judi. Judi's here as well.
Yeah. Yeah. That's nice.
So, shall we?
Go on, you can. OK.
"Give Alex the best stag minute."
"By the end of the stag minute,
"Alex must be ready to get married."
"You have 29 minutes to prepare for the stag minute."
"Your time starts now."
So the obvious thing is to...
..pour flour on him. Yeah.
Like a stag do but in a minute. Who's going to be... Who's going to be...
..the twerkin'...
Twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk. Do all men have stag dos like that now?
I thought that was quite an old-fashioned thing, wasn't it?
I think they do things like book readings and things now, don't they?
Really?
I mean, humiliation is the main part of this. OK.
Because I think... I think TM would like to see
Alex be utterly humiliated.
Erm, it's my stag minute, so I... It's going to be a surprise for me,
so I'm going to leave you to it. Oh, it's going to be a surprise. OK. Oh.
JUDI LAUGHS
OK, we've got to make him have a nice time.
I think he likes birds.
Birds? And then we could watch him through binoculars or...
He'd probably like that. Serve him worms.
Can the bird be wearing a thong?
HE PUFFS OUT AIR
If you're about to show me an actual bird twerking,
you might have this in the bag.
Who are we going to see first, please?
Let's see how the bloody lads got on.
Hey! Hey!
Come on, Horne dog! Hey-hey!
Hi, guys. Are you ready for your stag do?
Yeah, it's going to be the best minute of your life! Hey!
Hey, grab your parachute! Hey, Horne dog! Lads, lads, lads!
Horne dog! OK, on the count of three!
Three, two, one... THEY ALL CHEER
THEY CHANT: Horne dog! Horne dog! Porn mag! Porn mag!
Come on, Horney! Horney, get your mask on.
This is dangerous now, I'm serious.
We're doing milk-balling. Milk-balling! We're doing what?
- Milk-balling! - What do I do? THEY CHEER
THEY SHOUT AND JEER
Come on! Beer and curry! Beer and curry with the lads!
Cheers, lads. Cheers.
Lads, lads...
THEY TALK WITH MOUTHS FULL
Oh, no. Oh, we've got him!
What are you going to do?
What you going to do? What you going to do?
I can't get it on! What you going to do?
Eat the key, eat the key. Eat the keys?
Not you. Come on!
THEY CHEER
APPLAUSE
They've gone.
It looked like you had the time of your life.
I genuinely got an adrenalin rush watching it back.
It was so exciting!
There was one little bit I was confused by
and that was when you put my face over your heads
and then you appeared to throw milk at each other with a teaspoon.
Let us explain. Erm...
It was supposed to be paintballing. It was paintballing,
so we wore masks of Alex's favourite person.
Yeah, yeah. And the game was renamed...
Milk-balling. Milk-balling.
And the little drink and the tiny snack was...
Curry. A shot of beer and a bite of curry.
And we did the traditional thing of tying him to a lamp post.
To a lamp post. Right.
It's time for us all to have a lovely, well-deserved break.
Not you, Alex! See you soon.
APPLAUSE
Hello! Come in, settle down, pop your feet up.
Yes, hi, guys, welcome to our little home.
We're very happy together, aren't we, Greg?
Get your fucking hand off me. Before the...
Sorry...
Before the break,...
..I announced my upcoming marriage and during the break,
I received quite a cross message from my wife.
The task was to give me the best stag minute.
Next up, it's time for the girls.
Alex!
Yes? Come with me.
OK, there's a step. Yes, I know there's a step here. OK.
You're going to have the best stag do of your bloody life.
Sit down on the stool in front of you. Open your legs.
Open your legs. How many hands are on me?
Keep going. In, in. In?
In.
Left leg. Just keep leaning forward. Why?
Three, two,
one... Good, OK!
Here you go. Put your arm through.
Through there. Lovely. Shot.
Shot.
Shot...
Eat your fucking worm!
Ow! Ow!
Why?
What are you... Just keep your head still!
I'm trying to eat a worm! Tweet, tweet, tweet.
Meow! Meow...
JUDI HISSES Meow.
Meow?
Meow.
Whistle like a bird. I'm making... Hoo!
That's an owl! Whistle!
Blimey.
Meow.
Meow...
Meow.
HE COUGHS
Right. Thank you, everyone.
I'm ready to get married.
APPLAUSE
CHRIS: Wow.
If I didn't know it was a stag do, I'd think it was some awful...
..captured video from Guantanamo Bay, to be honest.
Bird bath. We had a bath.
We caught him. All things that have got nothing to do with a stag do.
No, but it was personal, wasn't it? Yeah, it was personal to him.
He likes birds, it was something blue for his wedding.
Can I just make it clear, my dad loves birds.
That's it. You was enjoying yourself.
I was stimulated, yes. Did you hear that? I heard that he was stimulated.
He was stimulated because people were throwing birdseed
in the man...in the man's face!
We fed him... While a twerking cat waxed his arm!
Yes, I know what you're going to say, you were feeding him worms...
From my mouth! Because we all heard you say,
"Just eat your fucking worm!"
Can we say... We stuck to the tradition,
right? You did not.
Well, look, they've said their pieces.
As an outside observer, my observation is
that Alex might've marginally
enjoyed the more traditional stag do a little more
in that he wasn't having alcohol and birdseed thrown in his face
while a mad twerking cat waxed his arm.
That's all I'm saying.
I'm going to give four points to the ladies...
Mm-hm. ..and five points to the gentlemen.
There we go, five to Ardal and Chris!
Come on! Wonderful!
JUDI: Girls, we done great, we done great.
And yours was great. Thank you.
I'm going to find that puss-face and I'm coming for you.
Onward, please. Yes, onwards and what's the best thing in the world?
Bunting! Off we go.
ECHOING: My name's Greg Davies...
I am the Taskmaster... the Taskmaster...
..the Taskmaster...
Hi. Is that Bridget?
Hi. Yes. Hello.
Hi, Ardal. Hi, Alex.
Ah... Oh, what does that say?
Ooh. Ooh.
Feel like I'm running through gardens again when I was a kid, dodging washing lines.
Do you like what you see?
Letters. Mm. Yeah.
I'm good at letters.
"Make a stirring speech for the Taskmaster
"out of this bunting."
"Longest speech
"that is deemed to be stirring by the Taskmaster wins."
CHRIS: "You may only use the letters currently on the bunting."
"You have 15 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
Yes. Are you serious? Yes.
OK.
OK. Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make words. Mm-hm.
And then I'm going to make a sentence out of the words.
OK...
One, two, three.
How can there be no Bs? What kind of alphabet is this?
Why are they all... Are they all weird letters?
There must be one B. Why?
But why would there be no B? Why would there be no B?!
And the colour coordination's not vital either.
OK.
Is this supposed to say a particular thing?
How long have I got left? 12 and a half. Oh, my God!
Aghh! Come on!
Have you made a stirring speech before, Bridget?
I'm no Malcolm X! Oh, right... Treat...
- Why are there so many letters? - Erm...
Aghh! This is horrible!
Sake. This is why I've got a dryer.
Whoo!
Let me... Nice.
I don't like the first bit. Well, maybe I should change that.
Don't need that. Doesn't scan.
We'll just have to use that. Oh, that's quite powerful.
OK, I'm done. HE BLOWS WHISTLE
SHE SIGHS
Do you think other people, Alex, will...
..will come up with the same speech?
No, I would be very surprised. Mm. Mm.
APPLAUSE
They all found it very stressful.
Very stressful. Oh, it was horrible.
But you, initially, were full of memories of your northern childhood,
running through gardens... Yeah, until you told us spelling was involved!
Well, we're looking for the longest speech that you deem to be stirring.
Stirring. Here is Chris Ramsey's speech.
Oh, God.
Sir,
on my knee,
I implore you, please,
let me win
this task.
M,
good, raa-aaa,
Dad.
APPLAUSE
Dad? Called you Dad. Called you Dad at the end.
I did like it. Did that stir you?
It did stir me. I thought... Probably not in the right way.
I didn't know we could do it on the floor.
No-one said we could do it on the floor. All the information was on the task.
It was stirring stuff. Mm-hm. What about the "Please let me win"?
What's stirring about that? That appeals to my grotesque ego.
I think the boy played a blinder, to be honest. Hohh...
Well, then, it's very simple, isn't it? Suck up to you and you win.
Yeah.
It's not rocket science.
Christopher, I thought it was a very good start. Who's next?
Here is what Sophie Duker did.
God damn,
if Sophie Duker wins Taskmaster,
we all win her papa!
APPLAUSE
I also called him Dad. Yeah. Very good.
Papa or Pa-pa,
as some people pronounce it, is a more reverential...
Oh, was that directed at me, "Papa"?
If you like it.
I thought it was stirring. Yeah, I mean, it started with "God damn."
Yes, but it was similar grovelling sentiments to...
It wasn't grovelling, it was self-sacrificing.
I would say also this has happened in shows before this series
where Ardal has criticised a lot of people's attempts,
partly building up to what I know he's done.
If you just bear this...bear this in mind.
Good. Let's crack on. OK. Here is writer, stand-up
and all-round wordsmith Bridget Christie's attempt.
Treat others carelessly, oik,...
..wind...
Wind
is God.
Wait!
That's the end of the speech. Thank you, Bridget.
APPLAUSE
You see? You saying that you didn't have the speech skills
of Malcolm X was folly
because that speech would drop into some of the all-time classics.
Ich bin ein Berliner,
oik.
I think, if you actually break it down -
"Treat others carelessly, oik" -
I think she's referring to you as "oik".
SOPHIE: I think it's an insult. ARDAL: I think it's an insult.
She definitely doesn't think you're God because she thinks wind is God. Wind is God.
You think I haven't got wind?
I could go off like a tugboat right now!
But she hasn't necessarily finished because she does end intriguingly with "Wait"
and then we don't find out what...what happens next.
Wait. Everyone, slow down, we're all in such a rush.
You know? Wait. Think about things.
Right, oik, it's break time. Time for you to take your bins out
and resentfully stare at your partner
while they just sit there, again. Your mum was right about them,
wasn't she?! See you in a bit!
APPLAUSE
Hello! You join us for the final part of tonight's show
where we still have a task to finish off.
Before the break, the comedians were writing the most stirring speeches
for the Taskmaster using the letters provided on the bunting.
Next up, it's Judi Love!
A,
hi, Taskmaster,
I don't like you looking happy.
Rass man.
I dare,
don't vex me.
End.
APPLAUSE Wow.
Are you calling me a rass man? Well, you know,
I added a little culture in there,
Jamaican culture, and called you a rass... Could you interpret "Rass man" for me?
A rass is like...
..an arse.
And you warned me not to vex you.
Not to vex you... Well, maybe I'll vex you plenty, my friend.
So shall we see Ardal's rubbish one?
Yes...
Any last words, Ardal, before we see it?
Uh, no, I think all my words...
All the words I know I think I used.
OK. Finally, here he is. It's Ardal O'Ardal. Here we go.
I am seven
types of rank
tit.
U R swel, man.
Hail TM!
APPLAUSE
Obviously I was drunk with ego with "Hail TM."
Erm, but you're doing yourself down a little bit
with, erm, "rank tit". Seven types. Seven types.
"Seven types of rank tit." They were the only letters available to me.
That's definitely not true. You used the fewest letters by quite some margin.
Some of them were damaged.
Well, Ardal's was the shortest - 36 characters -
then Bridget 39, Sophie 51, Chris 57.
Judi's was the longest at 61 characters.
It's impressive stuff. Are we deeming them all...
Go on, let's say there's an element of stir in all of them.
Well, in that case, it's one to Ardal, two to Bridget,
three to Sophie, four to Chris, but five to Judi Love!
Oh!
CHEERING
There is one other thing. Everyone struggled a little bit with the letters provided.
People questioned the lack of Bs.
Er, these were obviously the letters here.
Nobody worked out why those letters were provided.
Any thoughts, Greg? The red flags?
Exactly, if they looked at the red flags, you see it says,
"Look under the desk!"
Hello! Welcome at last to Taskmaster.
I'm Greg Davies and I am the Taskmaster.
I'm powerful and in peak physical condition.
That is of course the most stirring speech in all Taskmaster history
and we did provide all the letters for that
and an extra K because we got it slightly wrong.
Incredible that we would get something wrong.
Right, one more look at the scores, I think.
All right. We have Sophie and Ardal in joint third on 13,
Judi on 14, Chris in the lead with 16 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right. Please vacate the area
and head to the stage for the final task of the show!
APPLAUSE
ARDAL: Wow. That's the slimmest I've ever looked in my life.
Who will read the task out, little Alex Horne?
Ardal O'Hanlon will read the task out.
Please, Ardal. OK. "Taking it in turns,
"roll a tyre down the nappet."
"You must roll from on the stage."
"If your tyre does not pass the line,
"you may not roll any further tyres."
"If both your dolls topple, you may not roll any further tyres..."
So you're trying to avoid toppling your own doll. Exactly.
OK. "Last doll standing wins."
So your tactics are to try to knock everyone else's dolls over,
but not yours. OK. As soon as both your dolls are toppled, you're out.
You'll be going one at a time from last place to first place.
There's a chance some people won't get to roll at all.
And I would like to point out every time your roll your tyre,
it must cross the red line.
So first of all, Bridget will roll.
OK. CHRIS: Wow.
Let's roll. Right. Exactly.
Let's roll. So good luck, Bridget,
you're trying to avoid yourself. Yes.
It's a great roll.
ALL: Aww! That's OK. That's OK.
APPLAUSE
Next to roll, Ardal O'Hanlon.
Left-handed, is it?
Ooh! ALL: Ohh!
CHEERING
BUZZER
Chris Ramsey is out!
We've lost Chris Ramsey. He will not get to roll.
I guess that's just the way the tyre rolls.
Who's next?
Sophie Duker is next.
Sister queen, don't do it!
Ooh. Ohh... It went past the line.
It did go past the line. Next to roll, Judi Love.
Let's see if the same loyalty applies! Sister queen...
CRIES OF DISAPPOINTMENT
Get! Judi... No, Judi.
No, Judi. No, Judi. No, Judi.
Look at this shit! Look at this!
My nail has fucking popped off!
I deserve another point!
Judi... Judi, there's good news and bad news.
The good news is you are still in the game, you can still win,
but you can't take part in the game. I mean, that was not fair.
It was fair, you've still got a chance,
but, I mean, what are the chances of people not targeting you now?
OK, so we're back to the beginning. It's back to Bridget Christie again.
Yes. Right. Been eventful, hasn't it?
Only one person struck so far. Chris is out.
Mind my nail, Bridget. My nail.
Ah! Ahh!
CHEERING
BUZZER
Three left in. Yes, we've lost Judi Love.
Now, we know who's up next. It's the deadly Ardal O'Hanlon.
It's tense.
Ooh, who will I aim for?
SOPHIE: Ohh, no.
Ooh.
Ooh, straight in!
APPLAUSE
BRIDGET: Oh, my God.
We've lost Sophie.
It's the final. It's Bridget versus Ardal
and it's Bridget to roll. JUDI: Come on, Bridget.
SOPHIE: You can do it, Bridget. Go on, girl.
Yes!
APPLAUSE
Let's see how that's affected the final score. Come and join me!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Pretty exciting stuff. Yes, yes.
Three people in joint third, two people in joint first.
What? Wow. And the scoreboard looks like this.
CRIES OF SHOCK So it's a tie between Ardal and Chris Ramsey!
APPLAUSE Ooh!
How will we sort this awful mess out?
With the only way known to man.
With a beer-mat-flipping tiebreak!
Ohh...
All they had to do was turn over the most beer mats out of 91
in 30 seconds. Simple.
Here is how they got on.
"Your time starts now."
Quick as you can, Ardal.
How's it going? Shut up.
Five seconds.
WHISTLE
That was a quick 30 seconds, that. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
So we only counted the beer mats that were still on the table after the task.
Out of 91,
Chris flipped 59 beers mats.
Ardal -
64. Nice one!
Congratulations, Ardal O'Hanlon!
Ardal O'Hanlon wins!
Please go and collect those nice night-time knick-knacks!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very good. Really good.
So what have we learned today? Well, we've learned
if you're off on a stag or a hen do this weekend,
you've got to look out for the twerking cat
because you don't want it to spoil your game of milk-ball!
Four out of ten complete. See you again soon.
But for now, let's hear it for Ardal O'Hanlon!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media