SHE LAUGHS
No way!
Er... Gosh!
Where's the hole?!
Ah! Ahh!
Are you having a laugh?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Hello, everybody.
I'm Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.
It's episode seven, and it's at this point in the competition
when the mood shifts and the real battle begins.
Tactics start to come into play,
and contestants become ruthless warriors intent on victory.
And I wouldn't reveal what I've heard backstage,
cos I don't want to change your perception of any one person.
But as an example, yesterday,
I overheard an unnamed individual say,
"I won't return to Ireland until I've destroyed them all."
LAUGHTER
Let's get on with it,
and welcome our titans of task once more!
They are Ardal O'Hanlon... CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
..Bridget Christie... CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
..Chris Ramsey... CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
..Judi Love... CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
..and Sophie Duker! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, the answer to the question,
"Who's Greg throwing chicken at?" It's...
HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Hello.
What's the prize task, you fool?
Yes, this one has universal appeal,
because they've been asked to bring in
the nicest thing to put your finger in.
This is a Bafta-winning show.
The owner of the thing the Taskmaster thinks is the nicest
thing to put his finger in will be awarded five points.
And, at the end of the episode, the winner will take home
five finger-worthy things.
Yes, it's a really glove-ly prize.
AUDIENCE GROANS
I know. I know.
Ardal O'Hanlon, what would I like to pop my finger in?
Uh, I've brought in a finger puppet.
Ah. Well, not just any finger puppet.
I brought in Dr Jerry.
Erm...Dr Jerry Flynn, er, he's...
LAUGHTER
I should point out he's not a real doctor.
He's more of a life coach.
Can you just give me one example of the advice Dr Jerry might give you?
I asked him, "Should I come on Taskmaster?"
And I should've taken his advice.
LAUGHTER
It's a strong opener. OK.
Chris, can you beat an insane finger puppet?
I have brought in not a finger puppet...
..a finger monster. Ooh. Oh.
Watch out for the scary monster, Greg, here it comes.
Here it is! Eh?Ohh. LAUGHTER
I remember those.
Are they soft? Are they soft?
Yeah, soft, rubbery, really feels lovely to put your finger in.
Hm.
They were a big feature of my youth, these.
I'm surprised they've lasted into your generation.
I thought they were...
No, they started in the '50s, and they are still around.
He's really tapped into my youth, back in the '50s,
when I was down the doo-wop.
Erm, Bridget, what have you brought in?
Fart putty!
Oh, fart putty, good.
It's really cold, and really feels so good.
But also goes... LOUD SQUELCHING
We do actually have a video of it doing that noise.
Here we go!
LOUD SQUELCHING
It sounds better than that normally.
Does it? When I had my daughter, she was induced,
and the doctor had to break my waters.
They used, like, a little hook...
But he was really nervous and kept doing it wrong.
So, he kept going in and out, and it was like...
LOUD SQUELCHING
Anyway, so when I had to try and make him feel more relaxed,
I was like, "Oh, weren't you wearing a watch a minute ago?"
LAUGHTER
And he was, like, in and out, and I was like,
"Ah, this is like that fart putty."
Ah. Whoo! LAUGHTER
It's funny, innit?
I'm sort of surprised that we've arrived at this destination
when we got on at Silly Putty Station.
Judi.
I've brought in warm custard.
LAUGHTER
It's gotta be a bigger bowl, though. It's gotta be a bigger bowl.
Oh, you put your whole head in?
Well, you know, sometimes once you put the fingers in,
you do want to put your face in.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Sophie, what have you brought in?
I know that you, as the Taskmaster, you like to control us like we're
your own tiny little puppets.
I do.
I've brought the closest thing to me that I could bring
to this competition. Oh, my God.
I've brought Jane.
LAUGHTER I found her in a charity shop.
She was wearing a different outfit then, obviously.
I put her in my Taskmaster outfit.
What's she called again? Jane Norman.
Why have they got second names?
So, is she a puppet-puppet? She's a puppet-puppet.
But the key finger goes in her brain.
The index finger is powering Jane's, basically, sense of being.
So, she doesn't talk, she just sits with her mouth agawp?
ARDAL: What she doesn't talk? She does talk. Ha!
LAUGHTER
Here's the thing,
the monsters, they remind me so powerfully of my youth that...
Same. ..I can't separate them from putting my finger in
a bowl of warm custard.
And I still think farts are hilarious, now that I've
disassociated it from Bridget's womb.
So, I'm going to give three points to you three.
I'm going to give four points to Jane Norman, because clearly,
Ardal really needs Dr Jerry Flynn.
And I'll give him five points for that.
There you go, Ardal O'Hanlon gets five points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Alex Horne, you will play me a sweet, sweet video.
I will, but first, watch me do this.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
APPLAUSE
Judi Love. Hi, babes.
Hiya. Hi, Sophie.
Bridget. What?
I hope more people call me that from now on. What, babes? Yeah.
See what I'm going to call you after I read this.
"Show off.
"Biggest show-off wins."
"You have 20 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
Show off? Yeah.
I don't know how to show off, babes.
APPLAUSE
I can't wait to see these guys show off.
Yes, it's a tough task. Tough.
They had to boastfully display their abilities or accomplishments.
And first up, forget about the silly Citizens Advice Bureau,
we've got a much better CAB -
it's Chris, Ardal, and Bridget.
ARDAL: Oh, God where do I start?
Start by, I suppose, juggling bricks.
OK.
I have an idea. I'll be back.
Have you got a gun?
No.
I'm going to do one thing that my dad taught us that I think
I might be able to do.
So, no guns, no?
No.
Have you got an axe?
No.
I'm going to see how many balls I can get in there.
Great.
Oh.
SHE LAUGHS
Come on. Oh!
Ooh.
Are you trying to knock it off, or get it in it? Get it in. Ah.
I might pop it just down here for now.
That would've been much better with some sort of gun.
APPLAUSE
Right, I should try the yellow one.
I think it's cos the, er... buckets aren't heavy enough.
Moment of truth.
I might've been a bit too ambitious, with what I can do here.
APPLAUSE
Thanks, Chris.
You were inside for 14 minutes, Ardal.
Well, I think you'll see the time was not wasted.
I'm going to balance this wooden spoon on my chin.
You see? Oh. Yeah.
CHEERING
OK, thanks, then. Thanks, Bridget. Yeah, bye, then. I enjoyed that.
Yeah, thanks.
I can do this, as well.
LAUGHTER
I can do it for ages.
Doesn't hurt.
Hurts a little bit now.
OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, all so enjoyable for such different reasons.
Bridget and I'm not normally this direct, erm,
what's wrong with you?
LAUGHTER
I thought, "Don't try and do something else.
"Stay with the balls. Don't give up."
Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself.
You've got to back yourself - if you won't back yourself,
who'll back you, right? Nobody.
Dr Jerry.
LAUGHTER
I'm telling you this - I'm fascinated by what went on in
the 14 minutes of absence.
14 minutes... Yeah. ..of absence.
And you came back, I think, with glitter in your hair. Yes.
Er, and you conclusively proved that
you're incapable of balancing a spoon on your chin.
I am fundamentally incapable of showing off.
I come from a place where showing off is, like,
the worst thing you can do.
People in my town won't wear high-vis jackets, because...
LAUGHTER
It's true!
Erm, Chris, look at the reaction your dad gained you.
It was... I-I thought... ..fever pitch in here.
Honestly, that's better than some gigs I've done, that.
What's his name, your dad? Er, Bill.
Well played, Bill!
And if that display of talent hasn't done enough to guarantee your return
after the break, that is 100% fair enough.
No hard feelings, look after yourselves. Bye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back, and hurry up! We've already started.
Yes, we've already nearly finished.
It's now time to head to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Not really, I'm just having a bit of a laugh with everyone.
His face... Before the break, Ardal and Bridget proved that they
aren't really show-offs in a task where the biggest show-off wins.
Next up, here's how Sophie and Judi got on.
That is so cringey.
Going to have to tell jokes.
You'll have to come to my show and see that - my sold-out show.
Erm, I'm a Loose Woman, as well.
Do you know what I mean?
Won an award.
"But soft, what light through yonder windows breaks?
"It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."
I've met some famous people.
Mary J Blige,
Kevin Hart, H-Town, Jodeci.
"Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick
"and pale with grief that thou, her maid,
"art far more fair than she."
I feel like I'm in the popular mums' WhatsApp group.
"Be not her maid, since she is envious.
"Her best delivery is but sick and green, and numb,
"but fools do wear it.
"Cast it off."
I go to my most favourite local West Indian shop,
always get a little discount in there.
Lidl's have sent me free stuff before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh! To all the mums out there - I had two kids.
Had no stitches, no stitches.
I mean, clench-clench.
I mean, I can touch my toes.
Both of them at the same time.
Like, good with the kids.
Got close train station.
I've got loads of lovely, luscious parks around me.
I mean, honestly, Mumma didn't raise no fool.
I can fry evenly four fish fingers,
four, all at the same time.
WHISTLE BLOWS All come out golden-y.
Ooh!
Done? I think so. Yeah? Yeah.
Bye-bye. Bye.
That was really cringey and uncomfortable.
We had to force it out of you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Quite the contrast.
To the extent that I don't really know where to start.
I suppose the most marked contrast was when Sophie was underwater,
having performed Shakespeare,
and Judi was bragging about how good she is at frying fish fingers.
To me, it's like a national dish.
When you can fry four of them at the same time evenly,
and they come out golden - hello, I'm that bitch. Hello.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
She was handcuffed and underwater!
I think it was really good. Yeah.
But I would just argue that, that could've been footage
of Judi in any task.
At any time. LAUGHTER
I've got some great favourites.
She gets a lot of emails. That's not bad.
The fourth-last one was, "I have borrowed a dog."
That was, that was... Hello?
That's the kind of life that I live, that I can borrow a dog when I want.
"I can borrow a dog whenever I want?"
I've got a picture of it! I believe you can do it.
CHRIS: No, we believe you!
Judi, Sophie was performing Shakespeare.
I gave you culture.
Literature.
Water.
Here's how I'm going to score it.
Oh, good. And I feel a bit mean, because actually, Bridget.
Oh, not aga...
LAUGHTER What is wrong with you?
So, worse than Ardal? What?
I can't believe it!
Sometimes absence is more powerful than presence.
And then, there was the glitter!
I'm going to give him an extra point than you.
Fine. Go on, then.
I hope you can sleep tonight.
WHISPERS: I'll be fine.
OK, so it's two points to Ardal O'Hanlon.
Yeah, and Judi - I felt like there was a drop-off in quality.
'Course. She started big, and she went to Lidl.
No offence, Lidl. No offence, Lidl. LAUGHTER
We had a classic bit of clowning,
and then, we had one of the strangest sections of showing off
I've ever seen by combining escapology with Shakespeare...
And having a bath. ..and having a bath.
I'll change my mind slightly.
I'll pop them at the top of the pile with five points each.
I'm going to bring Judi up to four.
OK. I'm going to bring Ardal up to three...
Uh-uh... ..and I'm going to give you two points now.
AUDIENCE OOHS Yeah, that's cheered her up.
LAUGHTER
There we go so, it's five points to Chris and Sophie!
There it is.
APPLAUSE
Let's have a scoreboard, please, little Alex Horne. 'Course.
Bridget's on five at the bottom.
Sophie's at the top with nine points!
APPLAUSE
What's next?!
Team drinks!
Gentlemen. There we go.
Hello. Oh, hello, Ardal.
Hiya.
Hi, team.
Oh, hi.
Well, you look really cool.
But please, could you now put on your hats?
Oh, God.
And if one of you could pick up the task.
THEY LAUGH
ARDAL: Oh, I'm not able to. Oh, I must try again.
Oh, couldn't do it, then. Er, I'll help you.
BRIDGET: Shall I get it? It doesn't say, I mean...
Yeah, you get it babes.
"Deliver a cocktail to Greg."
Who's Greg?
"Your cocktail must have the following ingredients.
"Every ingredient must pass through a head pipe before
"entering the Taskmaster's glass."
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now, and ends when you have garnished
"your cocktail with the umbrella."
So, we're looking for fruits and liquids.
Oh, I cannae see a glass either.
I don't like this at all.
This must be what an anteater feels like. OK.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
WHISPERING: Did I hear Judi say, "Who's Greg"?
No, I said - I thought you said "Heg". Heg.
LAUGHTER Oh, good.
And congratulations to Bridget, as well, for being the only person
of all five of them to work out that knees bend.
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
OK, here we go.
JUDI: OK, I see some juice over there. Yeah, OK, right.
ARDAL: Chris! What?
I have some liquids. And some fruit. Ooh!
How many cocktails?
All the information's on the task, Judi.
Er...
Ah!
ARDAL: Where's the glass?
CHRIS: Oh, it's in here, it's in here, it's in here!
Here, babes, just put this in your hole.
Going to put this in your hole.
You need to put your pipe over there,
so I can put this down your hole.
Guys, I've got quite a heavy bucket of ice.
Where? Here. Ah!
Girl, you're strong.
Ah!
SHE SCREAMS
Ah! Ahh!
SCREAMING CONTINUES
Oh, my God.
BRIDGET: Shall we swap? I'll do that. Yeah.
APPLAUSE
ARDAL: That's one liquid. Just a tiny segment is all we need.
This. Got it stuck. Oh!
Put too much in.
OK, well, let me just put it through yours, then.
JUDI: That's it, hold still, hold still.
This feels really demeaning.
Have you got the banana in? It's slipping out, hold on.
Can you not use your hand?
Hey. Hey, there's orange in there!
The orange is in there.
Nice, right, we need to leave room for the ice now. OK.
There's quite a bit of ice. Right, so start layering the ice in.
Plop, plop, plop.
Oh.
I'll stir it, now.
I'm getting another liquid.
Quite a bit of ice.
That's me shaking it.
We just need one more liquid, then we've done it.
It needs to be shaken and stirred, so we might need a cocktail shaker.
Right.
Yeah, why don't we make it out of this bucket?
I'll go and get a lid.
I've got a lid.
LAUGHTER
That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
And we need to stir as well. There we go.
Shit. Is this a full one?
Argh! Oh!
Go forward.
I've stopped the clock. Great teamwork, everyone.
Go on.
Perfect.
I think Taskmaster will really love this.
If this goes through the pipe, like, we just can't be beaten.
Did it go in? No.
No?
Ice time.
Come on, fire it in. Thanks, mate.
Faster, faster!
Remember Tom Cruise in Cocktail.
OK, swap over. You go...you go down and I'll do the ice. Yeah, yeah.
Nice.
Give us a bit of fruit.
Yeah, fruit! You ready?
We should stoop down low, when we're giving it to him. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
That's your classic NeGREGI.
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
Well, interesting team dynamic.
Sophie's job seemed to be screaming and breaking things.
Judi seemed to be eating half a banana,
and then, repeatedly threatening to put a banana down someone's hole.
And Bridget did the rest of the stuff
and exercised some common sense.
That's the way I see it. Yes.
It's a rare moment in the series,
where Bridget is the voice of reason.
I mean, the obvious highlight is Ardal's arse lid that he created.
LAUGHTER
Like Tom Cruise, isn't it? It's like Tom Cruise. Just like Tom Cruise.
Well, unlike the girls, we actually used a cocktail shaker.
I mean... They should've used a traditional cocktail shaker
just like you did, Ardal. Yes.
LAUGHTER
Yes. Were the boys faster than the girls?
Oh, it took three times as long as the girls.
No way! Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
So, 13:27 minutes versus 4:30 minutes.
So, the girls 100% five points.
But the boys have to be rewarded in some way.
They did complete the task.
I'm going to give them two points each. I think that's fair.
Oh, three, come on. Are you trying to question Greg's authority?
You didn't know who I fucking was a minute ago!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Right, time for a power nap. Three, two, one, sleep.
APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello, again.
You join us in the middle of a messy work outing.
We've had some drinks, so now we've got the munchies.
TRUMPET MUSIC PLAYS
Hi. ALEX: Hi, Bridget.
Oh, I haven't seen one of these for years!
Am I about to reveal the budget?
I hope so.
Sculpt the most beautiful sculpture.
Your sculpture must weigh exactly 150g and be entirely edible.
That means that you can eat it.
You have five minutes to order your ingredients.
Then, 20 minutes to sculpt your sculpture.
ALEX: Do you mind reading the rest of it out loud?
No, no, cos I need time to think. Right.
Your time starts, now.
Can I have flour?
500g of butter.
ALEX: For your 150g... Can I get 200g of butter, please? Yeah.
Can I find that 150g before I say the last line?
ALEX: Do you want me to go and get you a scale? Yes, please. OK.
Um... I suppose tofu...
..although it's not...it's not edible.
All I'm thinking of is cheese. All I can think of is cheese.
Look can I have steak?
But it has to be cooked. No!
Urgh!
Some scales there.
Oh, half a mug.
Half a mug?
And it's got to be the most beautiful sculpture
you've ever seen.
You don't have to make it out of the mug.
You can make it out of something lighter than a mug.
Flour, eggs, milk, butter, a rolling pin...
Get some Dairylea triangles.
Have you read out the rest of the task, yet? No. No, right.
Can I get bananas?
Spaghetti!
Bread?
Your time starts, now.
APPLAUSE
Well, I'm very keen to get on and see the creative process.
Course, you are.
First, we're going to see Chris' out-of-this-world sculpture.
Lovely.
Oh, shit. That's 65 already.
I'm stress eating.
Oh, that is nice. Oh, I do like a bit of cheese.
LAUGHTER
144. I think that's OK.
You think that's 150?
It has to be 150, not less than?
Oh, no.
I'll just make the cheese ball bigger.
That's too big.
Not nice, that.
150.
Great.
OK.
Right, so, that just stands up on there.
Ta-da!
Do you know what it is?
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter - big gassy ball,
Saturn - got rings, two fried eggs.
Pluto - declassified, mate. Not a planet. Don't worry about it.
Thank you very much, Chris.
Thank you. Be very careful with that.
Will do. Sorry, before you go...
Yeah. ..one more.
WHISPERS: Oh, God.
F...
HE LAUGHS
Completely consume your beautiful sculpture.
Fastest wins. Your time starts, now.
God, I hate you.
I hate you so much.
This is terrible.
There goes Jupiter.
Wish it was all gas. It's not, it's cheese.
It's so dry!
HE GROANS
Urgh!
I haven't ate raw spaghetti, since I was a kid. I can't do it.
Stop the clock.
APPLAUSE
Well, I mean, it's a magical sculpture, first of all.
Lovely little detail at the end with the blueberry as well.
The declassified. Yeah, it was wonderful.
Wonderful. Really nice.
And you are going to judge this on the beauty of the sculpture,
and then, the speed of the consuming,
so it's two tasks, really.
Well, let's be honest, he didn't complete the consuming.
13g was unconsumed cos he said he's not a child any more,
so he's not going to eat uncooked spaghetti.
Did you used to...did you used to eat uncooked spaghetti as a child?
I did used to eat uncooked spaghetti.
I did as well, and sometimes, alone.
Well, I mean, it's not a group activity.
Who's next?
Next up, it's the unsuspecting Ardal and Judi.
Check that these are real.
HE GRUNTS
LAUGHTER
I'm going to strain the bread.
CROWD GROANS
I mean, this is not sticking, is it?
I'm just going to leave that to set.
Are you making anything in particular, Judi?
This is a tower of love.
I'm going to craft something beautiful.
I think it's going to be a ballerina.
A ballerina?
We're up to 98g.
God, these little strawberries are heavy, aren't they?
How much does your ballerina weigh?
She weighs 158.
So, maybe I'll take off the arm.
Oh, I mean, honestly, look at that shit.
Hasn't quite set, yet.
No.
I just want to make her tutu a slightly different colour.
So, you're rubbing jelly on it?
150g.
OK.
CROWD GROANS
Well, congratulations.
Congratulations!
Oh, my God.
And that is for you.
Well done.
I mean, honestly.
What does it say, Judi?
I don't even want to talk.
Do you want me to read it out?
Yeah.
Completely consume your beautiful sculpture.
Your time starts, now.
LAUGHTER
CROWD GROANS
Going for the arm next.
The remaining arm.
Bit more hair...
It's not fair because the chewy sweets...
..are really chewy.
OK, I'm going for it.
CROWD GROANS
ARDAL MOANS
CROWD LAUGHS
Egg shell?
No.
I feel I could've done better.
APPLAUSE
Judi, I put it to you,
you just made a big pile of things you'd like to eat.
Yeah. Do you want to see it? We've got a picture of it. There it is.
Oh, look at that!
CHEERING
If someone sent that you as a pudding... You'd like that.
I mean, I'd argue that perhaps Ardal was a little braver
with his creation.
Yeah, ambitious. Anastasia is what you called it.
Anastasia, yeah. Here's Anastasia.
LAUGHTER
She's a former ballerina, obviously. Of course.
And to get the rosy face of a dancer in her prime,
why not rub a bit of jelly on some tofu? Why not?
Right, we have to stop now
because Alex needs to have a wee every 15 minutes. Sorry!
APPLAUSE
Hello, welcome back to part four of four.
Yes, and this summary is especially for one lucky viewer.
It's for Peter from Guildford. Hi, Pete.
So, Peter, before the break,
the cast were each making a 150g food sculpture.
It was then revealed they also had to eat it.
Mm, it seems pretty obvious now, doesn't it, Pete?
Finally, two more people, who wish they'd seen it coming -
it's the hindsight duo of Bridget and Sophie.
Big up the Guildford massive, Pete. Here we go.
This is... Wow.
Butter.
Hmm...
I've got to get a baby and a breast and a nipple out of all of that.
Let's pop it in there.
I've got nothing to do, now.
What have you begun to sculpt, Sophie?
It's like a still life...
..of the human body.
I thought it'd be quite stressful, this job,
but it's really relaxing, isn't it?
Just one?
How many do you have?
Does that look like a baby?
Oh.
The nipples have browned, which is quite sweet.
Oh, sort of on a sea of milk.
A baby and two breasts, yeah. Yeah.
Have you heard of like a piece of art called L'Origine Du Monde?
No. OK.
This is the clitoris, the grape.
The bananas are the clitoral wings... Lovely.
..and this is the vagina.
Thank you, Sophie. Thank you so much.
Oh, Sophie. Mm-hm.
Sorry, there's one more, before...
Oh.
Oh, no. I ca...
No, I can't.
This is entirely my own fault.
It's delicious.
Is it edible?
Hmm...
Don't make me eat it.
CROWD GROANS
It's a lot of butter.
I have made a huge mistake.
LAUGHTER
It's literally all on the roof of my mouth.
I feel if I can't eat this,
then I will, like, send out quite a negative message about...
Like, I want to destigmatise this kind of thing.
Yeah, but equally, that's about 100g of butter you're eating.
It's really dry.
LAUGHTER
CROWD GROAN
I can't swallow it.
Do you want me to get you a little bag?
Please.
I think it's the flour...
..cos it hasn't cooked.
You're not speaking very clearly.
CROWD GROANS
I've stopped the clock.
Is there anything...?
Shall I stop the clock? Yes, please. Yes.
LAUGHS WITH MOUTH FULL
LAUGHTER
SHE HEAVES
CROWD GROANS
APPLAUSE
It was so hard.
So hard.
Let me start with you, Bridget. The miracle of childbirth.
Do you feel you successfully celebrated it via your sculpture?
I do. The fact that our bodies produce milk,
that then, nourishes a child is one of the most amazing things
that humans, mammals do. I agree.
Um... What better way to represent it than with...
..a disembodied baby's head and two floating bread boobs?
LAUGHTER
Milk. And the milk.
It's nice to see the female genitals celebrated in quite so much detail.
Thank you. It really does feel like an evolution from
us childishly drawing cock and balls on windows,
as I've done, I'm ashamed to say, so many times.
LAUGHTER
I mean, I just thought of the most beautiful thing
that I could imagine and I wanted it to be educational like Chris.
Yeah. What's the broccoli at the bottom?
That's the bumhole. Come on!
Is it? Yeah, of course.
You've got the vagina, you've got a broccoli bumhole. Move on.
LAUGHTER
Shall we deal with the eating first? Yeah.
Bridget ate the least.
Out of 150g, she ate 8.
Ardal's next. He ate 40g in 3 minutes 10 seconds.
Chris ate all but 13g in 4:26 minutes.
Sophie did eat all of hers.
Some came out afterwards. I don't know how much.
I mean, she did consume it all in 3 minutes.
This should be a big surprise
as to ate the most of their delicious pudding. Yes.
Judi ate her dinner in 1:50 minutes, so well done, Judi.
LAUGHTER
Five points. Five points to Judi.
Now, you've got to separate them in terms of beauty. So, all five...
Now, this is going to be a minefield. Yes.
All five here. Let's go.
ARDAL: I can't see how that's difficult.
An ageing ballerina with only one arm.
Oh, if I place your tofu ballerina above a vagina,
I am finished.
I cannot separate the beauty of the solar system,
a woman nurturing a child and a vagina.
And I want you to quote me on that.
So, I'm going to give all three of those beautiful things five points.
Oh, right. Come on!
So, five points to Bridget, Chris and Sophie.
And now, I must acknowledge...
..if I was in a restaurant, I'd think that was beautiful. OK.
But I can't, in good conscience,
give it any more marks than a one-armed ballerina.
LAUGHTER
Four points each. And we're done.
There we go, we're done.
Five, five, five, four, four.
What are the scores?
Well, Ardal and Bridget have both got 16,
but at the top of the leaderboard,
we've got Judi on 21, and then, Sophie on 23.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
OK, everyone, time for you to head to the stage
for the final task of the show!
APPLAUSE
All right, my love?
Who's going to read it out?
I'm going to ask Sophie Duker to read it out.
Build the tallest tower of toilet rolls in front of your spot.
You have 100 seconds.
After 100 seconds, you will throw both of your shoes at the towers
one at a time from the throwing spot.
Down there, on the stage.
Whoever builds the tallest tower will throw first.
The tallest toilet roll tower after all shoes are thrown wins.
So, there's a bit of tactics here.
The person, who's got the highest tower, has to throw first.
So, if you've got the smallest tower,
maybe yours will still be standing, when you get to throw.
Oh, God, it's like chess.
LAUGHTER
OK, your 100 seconds starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Different styles already, Greg.
Who's...?
I think Chris is giving the thrower a thin target.
The audience are enjoying it, Greg.
CHEERING
Oh, yeah.
Yes!
CHEERING
I mean, Chris' is beautiful.
Ramsey's going to stick this on his chin, afterwards.
LAUGHTER
20 seconds left.
CHEERING
Oh!
Five, four, three, two, one.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Step away, step away.
Step back.
That is incredible.
That's going down. Wow.
It is incredible but it's a high-risk strategy.
Oh, course, it is.
Yeah, I... Yeah, I'm not even bothered I enjoyed doing that.
LAUGHTER
The tallest tower is clearly Chris Ramsey,
so, please, make your way down to the throwing spot, Chris Ramsey.
CHEERING
So, yeah, if you do feel worried about your safety,
you can step back if you want.
Chris, whose...whose tower...
Whose tower are you going to...? Who are you most threatened by, Chris?
I think Sophie's a force to be reckoned with,
so I'm going to aim for Sophie's.
OK, well, good luck. She's the only one, who hasn't stepped back.
LAUGHTER
I want to go down with my tower.
Yeah.
If you want to throw a shoe...
Don't do that.
I'll be gutted, if I hit you with a shoe. Please?
I'll be that guy, who hit that girl with that shoe.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God.
Ready? Yeah.
JUDI: Oh, my God.
GROANING
Have you got magic powers?!
OK.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
That is top place psychology. Oh, my God!
So, the second tallest tower is Sophie Duker.
Please, come down to the throwing spot.
I wonder who she'll aim for.
She's going to shatter my tower.
These are boots. Boots now, Greg.
SHE LAUGHS
I don't give a shit.
Good luck, Sophie. Whose tower are you aiming at?
The boys'.
Oh, dear me.
Watch your feet.
Sophie!
CHEERING
No!
JUDI: Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry! Oh, my God!
Ardal, avert your eyes. She's an animal.
The trouble is, Sophie, you are now the tallest tower.
If you'd left that up, other people wouldn't be aiming for you.
It's like chess.
LAUGHTER
Argh!
Oh, now, you fuck up!
Greg, it's time for Ardal O'Hanlon.
CHEERING
Ardal, currently the second highest tower. Sophie's the highest.
Look at this. Ardal, Ardal! This is a man, who's throw shoes before.
Well, you know what? Cos I love everyone equally,
I'm going to just throw it at random.
ALL: Ooh! No!
No, I'm not. Hah!
I'm going to throw it at Sophie. No, no!
Argh!
CROWD GROANS
You've got a forcefield!
Same again or...?
You're going to target me twice?
Take your time. Decimate it, come on.
No, no!
ALL: Ooh!
Underarm.
Oh!
What a system!
Sophie, an incredible performance, so far.
She is winning the episode, remember. She is.
Judi has never won an episode.
The only contestant not to have won one.
Still left to throw, it's Bridget Christie's turn.
Any thoughts on your technique, before you let rip?
No.
LAUGHTER
ALL: Ooh! That was close.
Closer than me.
GROANING
Please, come back to the stage, Bridget.
Judi, please, head down to the throwing spot.
Can I just say, my shoes have no leverage whatsoever?
Well, look, Judi, this is huge for you.
If you can strike that tower,
you've got every chance of winning the show.
Did you hear that? You could win this episode.
I'll give you my shoes, Judi.
But how am I supposed to kill you with your own shoes?
LAUGHTER
Is it because you don't want to touch shoes without gloves?
Yes.
Shall we get you a glove? Yes.
I just don't like touching the bottom of shoes.
OK. Now, whoa, whoa! Think about this, Judi.
Who...? Where are you aiming at?
No, Judi, Judi, Judi. You've got to hit that one,
if you want to win the show. Take your time. Sophie, I'm so sorry.
I'm worried she's going to hit her own tower.
LAUGHTER
ALL: Ooh!
Sophie's tower.
GROANING
ARDAL: You can't win, if you kill me.
JUDI: What happened? Sophie's is the tallest.
Sophie's is the tallest. Yeah, that was the practice, wasn't it, yeah?
LAUGHTER
That's an end to it.
We'll work out how that's affected the final scores.
Please, come and join me down here.
CHEERING
What a show. High drama up there.
High drama.
Well, Chris, you were destroyed instantly by the boot of Sophie.
So, one point for the lowest tower.
Judi and Bridget, you were the joint third highest towers.
You get three points each.
Ardal remained unscathed - second highest tower and four points.
But Sophie's performance was immaculate
and she obviously gets the full five points. Sophie Duker!
CHEERING
And so...?
And so, this was Judi's closest chance so far to win an episode,
and with 24 points, she comes second.
Sophie Duker gets 28 points and comes first.
There it is.
CHEERING
Sorry. Sophie Duker is triumphant.
Please, pace up to the stage and poke your precious prizes.
I'm destroyed.
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, today, has been a true celebration of womankind.
We've admired the miracle of bringing life into the world.
We've marvelled at the female form and we'll never forget
that some women can borrow a dog whenever they want.
LAUGHTER
Please, clap your hands with all your might
for tonight's winner, Sophie Duker!
APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media