Ah!
Nh, spla. Ooh!
Is this a joke?
Yeah!
Mm-mm! Oh!
Oh!
Oh, I like that!
Oh! Wow. Mm!
This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with all social
distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming
Hello, one and all!
I'm Greg Davies, and I am the Taskmaster,
and this is Taskmaster!
It's a brand-new series with a brand-new cast
and a brand-new set of tasks.
But I'm not brand-new.
Quite the contrary.
I'm a living relic, an almighty deity,
resurrected time and time again.
I'm not as good as God, but I sure am one swell guy.
So, who are the five so desperate to get their hands on my golden goblet
that they would go against the explicit advice of their agents?
Well, let's cast our eyes across five faces of fear,
and please welcome Alan Davies...
...Desiree Burch...
...Guz Khan...
...Morgana Robinson...
...and Victoria Coren-Mitchell.
And now, to my assistant.
Usually I introduce him in a derogatory way,
but, for a change, I thought he could read the introduction
I've written for him.
Over to you.
My name is Alex and, in interviews,
I pretend Greg and I are friends in real life.
But, in truth, we barely know each other.
Also, I've got a little winkie.
It's little Alex Horne!
Do you want to play a quick game of "whose face am I sitting on"?
Yes, cos I know this is the pre-prepared banter
you've got for us. It's a little game for you.
I thought you'd enjoy this. Whose face am I sitting on, Greg?
I don't know, Alex. You can have 120 guesses.
OK.
I can do an impression of them. OK.
"Oh, would you like a present?"
Er, Father Christmas!
Yes! Father Christmas.
That was really good.
You can't sit on Father Christmas' face.
Oh, yes, you can.
Right, same old prize task, is it?
Yes, way, Jose.
And for this first episode, they've been asked to bring in
the thing that, if you put it in a bag and sit on it,
it would feel the nicest.
There are five enormous points available for the best thing
that would feel the nicest when sat on in a big bag,
and the winner of tonight's episode will win all five things,
and therefore require an even bigger bag.
And a much bigger bottom.
This task, to me, feels fraught with dangers,
but I know I'm going to start with a mature man who I know
won't have gone route one.
Alan Davies.
Welcome to the show, what have you brought in?
It's an inflatable cushion...
OK... which I have for the kids in the car.
But as an optional extra,
an electric toothbrush.
A car seat and a toothbrush. There you go, Greg.
You probably would put the toothbrush inside the cushion.
It's got a little zip.
Then you turn it on and, of course, it buzzes and vibrates.
And that's always a bonus in a seat, isn't it?
Do you imagine the toothbrush to be lengthways?
Of course. Or sideways?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I expect questions, but come on, there's a level of common sense.
You'd have to recharge it,
so there's a limited amount of time for you to enjoy the vibration
of your seat, Alan.
And that, my friend, is where the whole thing falls down.
Des... Desiree.
The most comfortable thing, I think, on planet Earth are boobs.
And you can't put human boobs in a bag because... sick.
But you can get a replica of those in a bag.
So, what we got were those chicken cutlets, like, that replicate boobs.
Chicken fillets? Yeah, those little guys.
Oh, you mean that thing you...? Yeah, that go bloop, right?
And they feel boob-like in a bag.
Here's a bunch of boobs for you. OK.
Static boobs, no variety, no variation, no rotation.
Well, I mean, you can go to a couple different shops, if you want,
and get different boobs, all right?
To be honest, they can all laugh,
but we've managed to get guys home with those. Yeah! So...
You haven't managed to get any guys home with them in a bag.
Guz, what have you brought?
I bought a chair, and then, I put it in a bag.
Here is the chair.
It's the same one as he's sitting on at the moment.
Right, so he didn't bring a chair, he's just...
No, I might've bought it, you don't know.
It's important that you and I form a bond of honesty
at this stage in the series.
So, I ask you this now...
...last minute, did you think,
"I'm just going to say I brought this chair?"
Yeah, a little bit. Right, good.
Last place. Morgana.
What have you brought in?
I've brought in a spinning washing machine.
But it's got to be on spin, not just any old washing machine.
OK. But it's got to be, you know, on "vibrate" for the last bit.
And we can see it spinning right now, Greg. OK.
There it is. See, there it goes. That's going to... Yeah, yeah.
I've got... Same vibe.
Same vibe, but a little bit less subtle, I think, Morgana,
but there you are.
I put it to you, it's a hugely uncomfortable seat.
I just think it's a bit like - I mean, I'm not saying I want to
spend all night on it, but I think...
How long do you want to spend on it? Five, ten?
I think it'll give me bum problems.
Do you really think? I think it'll tighten everything up. It isn't.
I think it'll do the opposite.
I think it'll work things out that I wouldn't want worked out.
Victoria. Yes.
You got a nice sitting thing?
Diamonds.
Interesting.
All this soft things and squishy things, and vibrating things
are all very well.
I'm looking for the greater comfort of long-term financial security.
So, these are the diamonds that the winner is going to sit on.
Quite a few. You've brought those in, Victoria?
No, of course not.
If I had that many diamonds, I wouldn't be here.
So, what you're offering up is the concept?
You asked what, if you put them in a bag and sat on them,
would feel the nicest - and I say diamonds.
As a rule... I don't enjoy this kind of attitude.
There's an over-confidence to it that I've stamped out of Alex.
Thank you.
Here are my judgments.
In last place, guess who?
Is it Guz Khan? It's Guz Khan!
One point to Guz...
Guz, you're in the lead currently.
Obviously, er, the washing machine,
the second-laziest thing here, two points.
Controversially...
Oh, now this is interesting.
...it's the diamond-bum girl, three points. Oh!
Above a lifetime's supply of diamonds, I'm going to have
a vibrating toothbrush.
So, four points to Alan Davies. Four points.
And five points to Desiree!
Congratulations. And we're off! Desiree, five points.
Well done, Desiree.
Whoo! Feel the rush!
What's first on our agenda?
OK, we are starting with a new non-non-contact sport.
Where's Alex?
Is he off sick?
Cheeky cacti, yeah.
OK.
Thought I was going to call it a cactuses.
It's cacti.
It's not a real cactus.
"Strike Alex with a ball."
"Alex may not run..."
"Hide..."
"Or leave the Taskmaster grounds.
"Fastest wins.
So, I've got to find the little BLEEP.
"Your time starts now."
But do I have to find the ball?
Where's Alex?
A sneaky task, Greg.
Why is it sneaky?
Well, they had a little camera there. Yeah.
And I could see what the camera was showing on my little screen here,
so I could see where they were moving, but they didn't necessarily
know that I could see that.
Well, I don't want to mess around, I just want to get going.
Who are we seeing first?
The first two people we're going to see share their names with old men,
it's Des and Vic.
Erm... er...
Where the hell would a ball - would probably be in here?
Erm...
Oh.
Hello. Hello. SHE LAUGHS
Do you have a ball with you? No.
Why... why am I looking in here?
This doesn't make any sense.
Er, OK abort, abort. Abort!
I don't need two, do I?
Wait, what?...?
I thought you couldn't...
It says you can't hide!
This is... this is a ball.
All right, where's the Alex?
But he can't hide.
Not there, OK.
Well, this is ridiculous.
Are you watching all this on camera and knowing where to go?
Cos that is horrible.
This is hiding!
If I can't see you, it's hiding.
Where have you hidden this tall man?!
There's... and there he goes.
There, right.
I'm not good at throwing.
I'm so sorry!
OK, where the hell haven't I looked?
Oh, hello!
Shouldn't run, but I saw you!
Stop doing the thing I know you're doing, man!
No... no! SHE LAUGHS
Ah! I gotcha! Wha-ha-ha!
What a blow.
You're running, you're running. I'm not allowed to run.
There, there!
There!
I've stopped the clock.
That... is the most exercise I've done since I was at school.
Desiree, there's a book of Taskmaster quotes,
and, er, "Stop doing the thing I know you're doing"...
...is going immediately into it.
Desiree spent the longest looking for the ball.
We didn't expect that to be... part of the task.
No.
What I enjoyed, though, is your natural anger towards Alex. Yes!
And for you to feel rage this early bodes very well for you.
Now, it seems to me, Victoria,
that you were baffled by the rules of the game.
And you sought to impose your own rules.
"If I can't see you, it's hiding."
Is everyone you can't see now hiding from you?
I thought that I'd found him.
"OK, there he is, great. Now I'll get the ball."
And then, I came back, and he wasn't there - that is hiding.
I had moved, that's true. How did they both do?
Victoria was the slower of the two, seven minutes, 24. Hm.
But only 63 seconds quicker, over here, six minutes and three seconds
is in the lead at the moment.
There we are. Six minutes spent looking for the ball.
Yeah, yeah. LAUGHTER
Lovely start. Right, we're going to have a break now.
Let's see if Alex can finally buff my bottom well enough
to see his crooked tooth in it!
Hello, and welcome back to the first part two of the series.
Before the break, the new cast were partaking
in one of my favourite pastimes of hitting Alex with a ball.
Yes, you're so good at it, big guy.
We've learnt that Desiree and Victoria
prefer not to travel above walking pace,
but are Alan and Guz more au fait with urgency?
Let's find out.
I think, uh, find a ball first.
Oh, that's annoying cos I saw him and he's gone, but he's not hiding.
He's just moved.
Alex?
Alex!
Alex! Yeah?
Alex? Yeah?
Alex? Yes?
Alex!
I've looked in all the bits.
Alex? Hello? Alex?
Alex! It's me! Hey!
Maybe I'll just have a, a snack, since I can't find him.
Guz?
Hello, Guz? Alex?
Guz?
Is there anywhere you can go? Is there an upstairs?
Alex? Yes?
Are you in there?
Alex? Alex!
Ow! I was calling you for, like, half an hour. I was calling you.
There's pictures of Alex with a ball.
Oh, got me!
Two very different energies there,
and I have to say that normally when we do a series, it,
it takes a few episodes
for the tired middle-aged contestant to make themselves known.
So I'd like to thank Alan
for plodding around the house before stopping for a snack.
Very different energy from Guz.
It seemed to me that you wanted to, uh, murder Alex.
Yeah, I asked somebody as well,
"Have you got any heavier balls than this?"
I really wanted to... You did wanna hurt him.
...some substantial damage, yeah.
This is good, my boy. Thank you, thank you.
OK, so who did better,
the, uh, psychopath who was in pursuit of you, or my lovely uncle?
Well, bearing in mind we thought Victoria's time was slow,
Alan was three minutes slower than Victoria. Ten minutes 22.
But Guz was also five seconds slower than Victoria, so, uh,
seven minutes 29.
Uh, how am I suddenly the benchmark for slowness?
What we found is, I move quite fast. That's what we've established.
Nice. Who's left? It's time for the Morgana show.
Ready? Ready. Time starts now.
Ball! Balls.
Does anyone know, uh, are there any balls anywhere?
Well, I mean, I've got to find a ball.
Oh, I know where a ball is.
I've just seen him, the little... but I don't have a ball!
Aah!
Oh!
Now, now we're talking.
Now we've got some spirit. Bit of verve.
Got quite a ducky run, though, haven't I, which I wasn't aware of.
A slightly ducky run. I thought you looked like a primed athlete.
Victoria, under her breath, during it said, "So athletic".
Yes, I thought it was great. I love sitting next to Victoria.
I barely give them out.
I think there's been a handful of occasions across 11 series.
I'm going to give Morgana a bonus point for her attempt. Wow.
Before we even give her a score.
Why are you giving, uh, Morgana a bonus point?
You would think it was because you set a trap for Alex,
which I really enjoyed and thought,
"I'm gonna give her an extra point for that, it's so clever."
But it's not, it's cos you called Alex a little... Ah.
Amazing, so a bonus point. Yeah.
Yes, you are setting quite a precedent there
for the future. Yeah. Don't care.
And I've probably said quite a few in the show, actually.
Yeah, well, let's watch those points rack up.
No, listen, I can't fault it. It was a spirited attempt.
Was it a good time, though?
It was five times faster than Uncle Alan, two minutes and four seconds.
Oh, Uncle Alan.
Impressive... Impressive.
So tell me some stuff.
Yes, well, Alan only gets one point.
Then it was Guz, then Victoria,
then Desiree. Morgana, I mean, this is unprecedented, gets six points.
I don't have a six function on this, but five plus one.
So Morgana wins the task.
Go on, then, let's have a scoreboard.
OK, well, Guz and Alan are at the bottom
and Desiree's at the top with nine points.
Well done, Desiree, well done.
What's next?
It's a creeping task for our creepy cast.
Hello. Welcome, Alan.
This is a creeper. Please could you lie down on it?
Now? Yes.
Oh, I don't feel like I've got full range of movement in this outfit.
No. Belly, you want me to go belly first? No. Back first?
Yes, please. Oh. All right. It's called a car creeper.
Is this how you get underneath cars to fix them? Yes, it is.
Little head that rests on the little black pillow. Comfortable?
I mean, I've been more comfortable. Here it comes.
"Paint the most flattering picture of the Taskmaster in action."
"On the canvas in the lab."
OK!
"The canvas will either be six inches or six feet above you."
"You must lie flat on your back on the creeper at all times.
"You have ten minutes."
"Your time starts now and you must tell Alex
"if you want the canvas to be six inches...
"Or six feet above you within the next ten seconds." Hmm.
I think I want it six, uh, dammit. Uh...
But if it's six feet, uh, how would I reach it?
Good question. With a very long paintbrush?
Six inches! Six inches.
I think, uh, I think I'll go six feet.
Six feet? Yeah. Up we go. All right, then, Alan.
Six inches. I'll go six feet.
Good luck. Thank you.
You must stay lying down, though. Oh.
Hmm, right. Yes, yes. Good.
Now, I'm not gonna make a feature of this throughout the series
because it would become very tiresome,
but I will point out that everybody agonised
over the height of the canvas above their heads apart from Alan, who,
when he said, "I think I'll go six feet",
may as well have said, "What does it matter? I'll be dead soon."
I found Guz Khan absolutely adorable
for one beat during that introduction.
He became a ten-year-old boy and I wanted to hold him.
Yes, I can... I think I've got the beat here. Here it is.
Back first. Yes, please. Oh.
Yes! Cute little thing.
Right, we're going to leave this task hanging
like the very worst smell
because it's time for us to go to the adverts,
or as Alex calls them, the tiny films.
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Before the break,
the cast were manoeuvring themselves about on a car creeper.
We've seen the decisions they made.
There's the six-footers, Alan and Victoria,
and the six-inchers, Morgana, Desiree, and Guz.
Here's how all of them got on.
I don't really know where the lab is.
Where am I going?
Oh, er...
OK.
Take these with me.
This is the most bizarre and unnerving experience.
Am in the lab yet?
Whoa.
OK, sorry.
Oh, I feel like I'm in an MRI.
What, this is way closer.
This is six inches?
Guys always think this is six inches. This is five.
I'll tell you what, six feet is further than I thought it would be.
What can I do it with?
I've provided with you with some paints, and...
Wh-Where? Have I gone past them?
Is this a joke?
Oh, BLEEP.
This is kind of the position I like to be in, brother, when I'm at work,
you know what I mean?
This is not art.
This is a nightmare.
Where? Oh, I see.
Honestly... oh, my God!
Oh, look at all this BLEEP! OK.
Ah! Oh, lovely OK.
Have you got any brushes on poles?
Paintbrushes, where were they?
Yeah, I feel like this is the first task, bro, where, er...
...I really feel zen-like, you know?
What you've done is reduce the ability for me to cause chaos,
do you know what I mean?
What are these? Big pencils?
It's just a stick!
Oh...
I'm exhausted.
Haven't seen any brushes?
Guys, is this a wind...
Oh, little BLEEP!
I genuinely wouldn't mind if you extended this task
to three-and-a-half hours.
Let's get some features on this blob.
I think this is just appalling, the way this has been organised,
to be honest with you.
I'm just going to concentrate on eyebrows.
It's a gold throne, isn't it, that he sits on?
Oh, I've got no BLEEP gold.
You've got six-and-a-half minutes.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
There wasn't a time thing on the actual thing.
There was.
I wish I'd done the six inches.
Anyone can paint from six feet.
Oh, this is too long.
This is not how painting should be done.
I think I've strained every muscle in my body.
Don't have to rush. Still got some time.
If there's some kind of bowel movements from me,
it's a natural part of life, innit?
20 seconds, Alan. Oh, come on!
20 seconds to give a man a soul?
Do you what I think is the problem?
It's the paint brush.
This is not uplifting for people!
SHE LAUGHS This is awful.
Guz, did you expect, for the first time in your life,
to find inner peace whilst trapped under a canvas?
Listen, absolutely not.
You learn something new about yourself every day.
But it was a very nice break
from running around like a BLEEP all day.
I just want to say, though, I was covered in paint.
And I had to go two-and-a-half hours back to Cov,
and the brother that was driving me back said,
"I don't want you have any paint on my car, so sit."
So, the whole zen-like thing didn't last that long? No.
It was well, sort of, Sistine Chapel vibes, weren't it?
I just imagine, you know, like... Yeah, it's very Michelangelo. Yeah.
Unlike Desiree who, er, shouted, "Whoa! Bleep!"
That right. When she got to her canvas.
And there's a feeling to you, Morgana - I feel, watching you,
that at any minute, you could just smash everything up and run away.
But it was very contained.
I was composed.
I don't think that Victoria knew what show she was signing up to.
Alan, you'll be pleased to know
you've made it into the Taskmaster heritage book of quotes with,
"Oh, come on, 20 seconds to give a man a soul."
And I can't wait to see my soul.
Well, I thought it'd be nice to see the six-inchers first,
so we can compare and contrast. Five. Five!
A gentleman's six.
Well, Desiree tried to get some "faces on the blob",
that was her quote. And this is what she did. Yeah.
I love that. That looks really good.
Very expressive! There's a lot of action in that.
You were also emerging from the sea.
Is it a reflection of him at the top?
There was a, sort of, a myth of Narcissus thing going on,
with your reflection rippling in the water that you had just destroyed
because you were in action. Ooh! Right.
Just really BLEEP that one. Did that come out all right? Yeah.
Great. We've got Guz next.
Yes, Guz. He did that.
I think it's very excellent.
What about the hand prints?
Kind of like a signat... what do you call it? A signature.
A signature, yeah. Yeah.
He's got your bags, hasn't he, Greg, under the eyes?
Yeah, yeah. I noticed them.
I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Right.
The last six-incher is Morgana. Here we go. All right.
Oh, that looks like a majestic deer.
You're playing football, by the way. Oh, am I?
Yeah, that's a ball and a net on the left there.
You've just scored a goal.
But you're still a little bit pissed off, so hence the eyebrows.
Oh, they're eyebrows. Couple of quotes from Morgana.
"He's basically all eyebrows."
"He's got a pointy nose." "He's nostrilly and angry."
He's "basically all eyebrows"? Basically.
Thanks, Alex, thanks.
Who's next? Well, Alan said you've got a dark soul,
you're red in the face, and you're piggy-eyed...
...and he did this picture.
Ooh! I like it.
Up to the last second, you didn't have any eyes at all,
and then, it really looked terrifying. Yeah.
But I really have given you a soul there and now,
who wouldn't want that man?
He was making the "rage of Taskmaster". That was his title.
Well, the rage of Taskmaster comes through. I like the face.
OK, well, there's one left.
It's sort of the minimal approach, this is Victoria's painting.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, come on, Victoria.
You've got to dig deep. We're here for ten weeks.
I don't know if my self-esteem is going to survive this series.
I... Desiree did the myth of Narcissus.
I couldn't do a face!
That would be more like me if you'd just fallen into it.
OK well, here are all five for you, Greg.
Unfortunately... Yeah? ..even though I'm worried about her,
I'm going to give Victoria one point.
One point, well done, Victoria. I know. I'm grateful for that.
I'm going to give Morgana two points, and it's basically
because Desiree really BLEEP her way to three points.
Yes!
So, it's between Guz and Alan, then, for the five points.
Yeah, and that is tough, because...
...Alan really did check in with my soul. Yeah.
But I guess Guz just knows me.
Five points to Guz Khan. Correct.
Congratulations, Guz!
I think we should have another task, you messy little boy.
I think we should, too, and this one involves me
running my very own shop.
Ooh!
"Pop the balloon."
What balloon?
Ah.
"You must stay behind the rope at all times."
This... ah, this rope here.
"You must not move the rope.
"You may buy the tools you need with time."
That's Shakespearian.
"You may buy the tools you need with time."
It is Shakespeare you're right.
"Fastest wins."
My time starts when Alex "has shown me his tool shop."
Awesome, OK.
Hello, Alan. Hello.
This is my tool shop. Nice.
I can offer you a slingshot and a bucket of stones for one minute.
OK. The pebbles cost you one minute, 30 per pebble.
You OK? Yes! OK.
I just... I'm getting the concept, yeah, OK.
Two minutes per fork, or the darts are two minutes, 30...
Two minutes, 30, of course. ..per dart.
The rubber ducks are free, Alan.
We've also got these nice portcullis scissors,
and that costs you eight minutes.
And, with them, you snip the string behind you and see what happens.
But that's the only time you're allowed to touch the string.
But this will take eight minutes off the time? Eight minutes, yes.
Then, brother, this is not sensible.
Alex, yes.
I'm very excited to see your pop shop in action.
I really loved this one.
We're going to start with Mor-Guz-Khan-a.
Morgana and Guz.
Hello, sir, what would you like?
OK... can I have some darts, please?
I'm just going to have some darts, please. How many would you like?
Can I have two? Two darts.
So, that will cost you five minutes.
One dart is two minutes and 30 seconds?
Would you like one dart?
This is a rip-off, this shop!
That was... oh, it's gone in the concrete.
It's trashed concrete. Are we going to get it repaired?
Yeah, I'll have that repaired.
Can I try one more dart? Yes.
Oh!
Oh, hello. I'll take the lot.
Oh, so close.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to have another... dart.
Can you explain to me how the slingshot works?
If you're using the slingshot, we both have to wear goggles.
Can I touch one of those ducks?
The ducks are free. The ducks are free?
What sort of shop is this?
That's quite aggressive.
Welcome back.
That deserved to pop!
There is a imbalance in the poppability of the balloon.
You're good at that.
Can I have a refund? No.
That'll be seven minutes, 30, please.
I'll have a duck. Ducks are free. Oh, here's a duck.
Ooh, missed by a bee's BLEEP!
Pardon?
Hm. You're already doubting me with that tone.
You don't even have to say a word. OK.
Feels like being at school again.
Can I have the scissors, please?
That'll be eight minutes.
I've stopped the clock.
Brother, there's a word - I've never used it before in life.
It's called hindsight.
Why have you never used the word "hindsight" before?
Just not in my...
It's amazing that you're asking him to look back on that.
Yeah, look back on that!
It's beautiful. Irony, mate.
Shall I tell you some times, Greg? Oh, here we go.
Guz, eight minutes without the time penalties.
It was a total of 36 minutes, 58.
You could've listened to the theme tune to the
Last of the Summer Wine 53 times.
Morgana, 84 Last of the Summer Wine theme tunes. Oh.
That's 56 minutes altogether, cos there were 13 darts,
four pebbles, scissors, and actual time, as well.
Lovely. Would you like to see Queen Victoria II all by herself?
Yes, please! Here she is.
Er, I'll have a dart, please.
OK, a dart will cost you two minutes, 30.
Thank you, madam. Thank you.
I'll have another dart, please.
Welcome back. Yeah, that'll cost you two minutes 30.
Oh! Hello.
How can I help you? I'll have a dart, please. A dart.
You... SHE SHOUTS GIBBERISH
Hello, again. Go on, give me a duck. I just want to... just a duck.
The ducks are free.
I mean, this is... why would it do it?
But I can't even hit the thing.
Duck, duck, duck, I'll have three ducks, please.
'Course. Any particular ducks? I don't mind. A duck.
I'm using the ducks to practise aiming.
OK, I'll have a dart, please. Hello, there, a dart.
That'll cost you two minutes, 30. Lovely.
Oh!
I've already used more than eight minutes, haven't I?
Quite a lot more. I think the move might be to just take
the scissors in the first place.
Ah! OK.
Oh!
So, I've stopped the clock. That's so satisfying!
That was so worth it!
I don't care if it'd taken three days, that was so worth it.
Nh! Splah! Tsh!
Ah!
That was really good. That was proper.
That was very impressive. Thank you. Lovely. Now we're cooking.
You enjoyed that one, right? I did enjoy it.
You didn't bank on Victoria using ducks to practise her aim, did you?
I did not. It was a nine-dart finish.
25 minutes, 30 was her total time.
Which puts Victoria in the lead. By miles!
GREG WHISTLES By miles.
Oh, well, that's nice.
OK, you want adverts? You've got them. Don't go anywhere.
Even if you need the toilet. I want to see commitment.
It'll come out with hot water and elbow grease.
Hello, welcome back to the final part of the show.
Weren't people trying to pop a balloon before the break, Alex?
Yes, my side project is a pop-up pop shop.
I sell all sorts of things which might be useful
for popping balloons.
And the currency I deal in is time.
Two of our five resorted to the portcullis releasing scissors.
One succeeded with a dart.
Last up, it's Alan D and Dessy B!
Yeah.
Oh, I'm going to, I...
I'm not confident I can hit that with a dart first time.
There is a slingshot.
I would love to purchase one.
Right. That'll cost you one minute.
I'm quite tempted by the scissors, and that'll make it drop on it.
Yeah, I think that's the one I want to do.
You'd like some scissors? Yeah.
OK, this'll cost you eight minutes. OK, thanks. There we go.
Down...
Oh, eat it.
OK, you know what?
Erm..I'm going to go ahead and buy some scissors.
Oh, you're going to buy the scissors.
Oh, OK, you know what? Erm...
You know what? I think I'm going to come for some ducks.
Oh, right.
Hi, there. How can I help you?
I would like to purchase those three darts.
Three darts? Yeah.
No.
God, no!
Ding dong, hi.
Let's go ahead and buy three forks.
Why not? Six minutes.
No! Hello, there.
I think I'd like to get another slingshot.
Another slingshot, OK.
What is wrong with your rocks?!
You keep hitting it with the stones.
Now this is getting ridiculous. Yeah.
Ding dong! Oh, hello, madam.
I would love to get another set of darts.
No. Maybe.
Definitely not.
Hi, there. Ding dong.
One fork and six ducks.
Argh!
Ding dong. I think I would love to get some forks.
Well, I've got a bucket of forks here.
How much is the bucket?
That'll cost you an hour.
It's an hour well spent. OK. Sir, you've got yourself a deal.
Enjoy your forks. Thank you so much.
Ooh. Ooh!
I don't even know how to throw forks!
Yeah!
Hello, madam.
Ding dong, sir.
How can I help you?
You know what? Can I get some scissors?
Some scissors. Yes, we've got one pair left.
They cost eight minutes.
In your own time, Alan. OK.
Righto.
I've stopped the clock. That was very enjoyable.
Well, that would've been great if I could've aimed the scissors.
Are you kidding me?!
APPLAUSE What was that?!
I've stopped the clock.
Does the clock still have time inside of it?
It's nearly run out. Thank you, Desiree.
Thank you.
Wow. Come on.
Right, well, before we get to the main course,
let's deal with the starter, er...
What happened there, Alan?
Have a snack you wanted to go and eat?
There's no way I'm going to hit that balloon from here.
That's what I thought. Very efficient. Eight minutes.
A minute thinking, so a minute plus eight - nine minutes for Alan.
Good. So, he is the winner of the task, five points.
Well done, Alan. Now...
OK, look. For the record, when I got out there,
my head went, "Get the scissors, it's worth the time."
But I was like, "That is not the game, that is not the show."
That's boring, and I was like... That's what I thought.
Like Alan did? Yeah! If I just win it, that's boring.
Well, whatever that attempt was, it wasn't boring.
And it looked like we'd set up that portcullis not to work,
but it was genuine, wasn't it?
The portcullis was meant to work, but it had lost...
The will to live. LAUGHTER
That's a fair point! And listen, I'm going to call it -
in 12 series, that's the worst attempt we've ever seen at any task.
Thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The time? It's an entire series of Last of the Summer Wine,
two hours, 57 minutes. Wow.
So, Desiree gets just the one point.
Morgana, 2, Guz, 3, Victoria, 4, and Alan Davies, 5 points!
There you go.
It's not always about being entertaining, is it?
Quick look at the scores, then?
Yes, it's a close one.
All five of them could win with one task to go,
but Alan is in the lead at the moment with 14 points!
Wow. APPLAUSE
Here we go.
All right, then everyone, please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Hello. Hello, Greg. Hello, everyone.
Who will you be choosing to read out the task, young fellow my lad?
Victoria.
"Write down a cool hobby, a fun animal, and a famous person.
"You have 30 seconds."
And those 30 seconds start...
I'll repeat them, for anyone struggling.
It's a cool hobby. Ooh.
It's a fun animal. Lovely.
And it's a famous person.
WHISTLE BLOWS Thanks, guys.
How you getting on with the picking up? Not great.
I hurt my back a little bit. Ohh.
My God.
Greg, I've got news.
There's a second part to the task.
Oh, what, you trickster! Oh.
"Strike a pose to represent first, your cool hobby,
"then your fun animal,
"then your famous person.
"You will have ten seconds to strike a pose.
"And must then hold the pose until the end of the round.
"The Taskmaster will attempt to guess what each pose represents.
"You may not make a noise or movement when posed."
And, just so you know, I am notoriously bad at these games.
Please strike a pose to represent your cool hobby.
God.
Oh, my God. BLOWS WHISTLE
OK, what do you think Alan's doing?
I think Alan is... making... a model.
I can't give you that.
He's doing surf-gami.
It's surfing with origami!
Surf-gami. OK.
No points for Alan so far.
What do you think Desiree is doing?
I think Desiree is in a cool bowling alley.
Yes!
Yeah, baby! Correct.
Yay.
What cool hobby is Guz Khan pretending to do? Oh...
I was going to say trampolining, and that's a mid-air trampolining pose.
Ooh. It's not right.
It's a bobsleigh ting.
Oh, 'course it's a bobsleigh ting.
OK, it's Morgana's turn now.
She is currently representing a cool hobby.
Table tennis? Correct!
Nice. Wow.
Finally, Victoria Coren-Mitchell.
OK, I think she's on the wall of death on a motorbike.
No, I don't. LAUGHTER
She's kayaking.
She's doing ice sculpture, Greg.
Oh, of course it was ice sculpture! It's a cool joke. "Cool."
Cool. It was a literal cool thing.
OK. Please pose as your fun animal.
You have ten seconds. Animal!
Starting...
Alan is one funky orangutan.
Well, unfortunately not.
He's gone for a zebr-onkey.
Oh! A zebr-onkey is a cross between a monkey and zebra, or a donkey?
It's half zebra, half monkey. OK, we move on to Desiree Burch.
It just might be a really fun rabbit.
Ooh! It's the rabbit's cousin, the hamster.
That famous hamster pose.
Now, then. Guz has used his clothing.
What animal is that?
I think that is a duck-billed platypus.
It's an aardvark. Ohh.
The beak of the aardvark quacking away there.
What animal, is she? She's a fun... puppy?
But I'd like to know what breed you think she is?
Oh, she's a fun little Labrador.
Oh! She's a sausage puppy.
Oh, yeah... Look how long I am! Yeah, you're long, you are long.
Is it half a point for puppy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, what do you think Victoria Coren-Mitchell is representing?
It's gotta be a lovely, fun cat. It's more fun than a cat.
It's an otter.
Oh, they are fun, as well.
So fun! Ohh...
You've got ten seconds to pose as your famous person. OK.
OK, so they've all posed.
Good luck with this, Greg.
Well, he's an artist of some kind.
Which one? He's Salvador Dali.
He's Tony Hart, and... Of course he's Tony Hart!
All right, move on to Desiree Burch.
It's a film star.
Which film star? It's Macaulay Culkin.
Ooh, it's Will Smith! Oh! So close!
Now, then, Guz Khan.
My initial feeling is it's Huw Edwards, the news presenter,
but... give me a minute.
It's a big JC, isn't it?
It is a big JC. It's Jesus Christ himself. Oh, wow.
It is, without question, Madonna.
Morgana is a different pop star.
She's Cheryl Cole.
I was thinking Vogue. No, for BLEEP sake.
It is Cheryl Cole! I know.
And finally, Victoria.
What can it be, with two hands out like that,
and no tangible expression on her face?
Well, I mean, that's pretty accurate.
It's... Neville Chamberlain.
Ooh. Actually, not that far off.
It's John Craven.
Hey! Well done, everyone.
Come back down here, and we'll add all that to the final scores!
Oh, here we are. Ooh.
That was exciting, weren't it?
It was lovely to have John Craven and Jesus on the show.
And you did some good guessing, you got one of Desiree's right,
you got one of Guz's right. I did.
But one-and-a-half of Morgana's. Hey.
So, she takes the full five points.
Well done, Morgana. Well done, Morgana.
How does that work?
There's also one point each to Victoria and Alan for coming last,
and three points each for Guz and Desiree.
There you go.
Something for nothing. Well done.
Which means, the final scoreboard,
it's been a tight opening episode, Greg. I'm very excited.
I genuinely don't know who's won.
The winner, with 17 points...
...is Morgana Robinson! There it is!
Morgana Robinson wins.
Please go and have a celebratory sit on your prizes! Whoo!
Thank you.
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt that life is a continuous struggle,
but if you apply yourself, you can learn new skills,
make new friends and do great things.
We've also learned you should never borrow Alan Davies' toothbrush.
See you for the second instalment but for now, our first winner
is Morgana Robinson!