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What?!
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This program me contains
strong language and adult humour
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Ah!
SHE GASPS
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Up!
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No!
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Shut up!
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Arghg
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What? Ah!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.
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I'm Greg Davies
and I am the Taskmaster,
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and I mean the real one,
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not the comic book villain
that pops up when you Google me.
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We've both got our skills.
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He can mimic any fighting style
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and I can take down
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an 18-inch pizza in one
by unhooking my jaw
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like a mighty human snake.
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Mm! Ssss! Delicious.
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And I'm the only Taskmaster
that wields power
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over trophy-hungry comedians.
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They are my fantastic five
and they are ready to save
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the world by being rubbish at tasks.
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So please welcome Dara 0 Briain,
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Fern Brady,
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john Kearns,
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Mun ya Chawawa
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and Sarah Millican.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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And next to me
is someone who I can be
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a little bit cruel to,
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but at the end of the day I'm proud
to call my best friend.
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AUDIENCE: AW!
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It's Trunky, the naughty elephant.
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Love you, Trunky!
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And next to him,
a wretched hairy weasel.
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Little Alex Horne!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Thank you, everyone.
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What we gonna chat about this week?
Well, I've got a really funny story.
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Mm.
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You wanna hear it? Yeah.
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Well, yesterday,
I, erm, I got a piggy back.
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Yep.
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Cos I'd lent...|'d lent my piggy
to my uncle,
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and then...and then he gave...gave
it back to me.
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Gave you your piggy back.
So I got my piggy back.
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It's a funny story.
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LAUGHTER
Prize Task, then.
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What's the category?
I'll tell you, Alex.
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It's the best thing you nearly keep
throwing away
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but can't quite bring yourself to.
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I'll give five points
for the best one,
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and the winner
of the episode will get
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to take them all home
and keep them all forever,
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and that is how replaceable
you are.
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Mun ya.
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I have brought in
my first-ever house plant.
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Oh, that bodes badly. Go on.
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So as we know, a house plant is
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a good metric of how much
of an adult you are.
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You know, if you can keep a plant,
you can keep a puppy.
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If you can keep a puppy,
you can keep a child.
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You know, it's like
the Royal Marines advert.
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So...
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I said to myself,
if I can keep this alive,
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I'm gonna be a better man.
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So I spent 40 quid,
I named him Young Pablo.
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He died after a week.
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I realised that,
kind of like your nan,
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if you move it about
every once in a while,
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give it a bit of water,
it won't completely die.
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So, what I have managed to do
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is keep Young Pablo alive
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for five years,
but on the brink of death.
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Would you like to see
Young Pablo now?
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Someone is going to win this.
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LAUGHTER
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Not a bad prize on a quiz.
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It bodes well
for your...for your future children.
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LAUGHTER
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Dara, can you beat a plant
that's barely alive?
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Yeah, I can give you
a thing that should be alive,
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but is now dead.
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Ancl is a section of my leg.
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AUDIENCE OOHS
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They're impressed.
What do you mean?
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Part of my leg broke off
during a football match
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and had to be removed,
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and then they give it to you.
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A part of your leg
just snapped off?
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It broke off and then,
cos I'm nails,
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I pushed it back in again
and carried on playing.
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It's made my balls go up
inside myself.
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Ah, do you want me to...?
No, no, no.
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Let's have a look at
a bit of Dara's bone.
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There you go.
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AUDIENCE: Oh! Strong Dara.
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By the way, I've kept my tonsils.
People do.
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Yeah? Yeah, they're still
in my...in my throat.
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Um... Fern.
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Uh...| want my house
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to look like something
out of architectural digest,
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and my boyfriend wants it
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to look like something
out of Step toe And Son.
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So it's this dirty,
disgusting tankard
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and he uses it to keep
toothbrushes inside.
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AUDIENCE GROANS
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I have tried to sort of
sneakily throw it out before.
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So if you do badly,
|'m...|'m doing you a favour?
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Yeah, what happens if I do badly,
do you take it away from me?
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It means that if you do badly,
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someone else gets to win it
and keep it now.
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Yes, let's do that.
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John.
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I brought in
Ulysses by James Joyce.
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I've had that for about 20 years.
Never read it.
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Do you think, tonally,
you've got this wrong?
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No, because it's the best piece
of literature ever written,
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so it's one of the best things
I've ever...seen.
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But I have ambition...to read it.
So, I'll never throw it out.
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I think I'm surprised cos I'm
expecting there to be a twist.
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Well, there might be,
I haven't read it. I don't know.
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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Sarah? Hi.
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Can you definitely beat
John's book?
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I don't know.
That's up to you to decide.
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I already have.
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LAUGHTER
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It's my husbands' zombie.
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Here it is.
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AU DI ENCE EXCLAI MS
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It's 6ft tall
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and frightens the shit out of me
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twice a week, maybe.
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It's awful. Please take it away.
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Maybe you could clear a little room
and let that be his special room?
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It is in a special room. Oh.
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It's called the zombie room.
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So it's hard to throw her away
when she's in her own room.
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Well, Greg there's quite
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a haul of prizes tonight
for someone.
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Do you want me to go from john
upwards, or the other way?
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Second book in a row, second one
point in a row - hello, john. Yeah, yeah.
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I feel pretty much the same
about a mug and a zombie.
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Three points each.
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OK. Three points each
to Fern and Sarah. That's right.
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And now I jump up...
Unbelievably, I'm putting
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a half dead plant in second place
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just cos I liked all the flannel
that went with it.
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And if anyone brings part of their
body that just fell off them in,
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I mean, for sympathy more than
anything, they get five points.
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Five points to Dara O Briain.
There it is!
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APPLAUSE
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Right, what's lined up
for the first task, Alex?
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Well, Greg, it's only
the king of all stationery items.
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Shall we say it together?
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Yes. One two three.
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BOTH: A laminator!
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Can you see me?
Yeah, there you are.
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I feel like we should do like
an action movie intro.
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What do you think? Yes, please.
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SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
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What did I miss?
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Hello, Mun ya. Don't say that.
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Say something like, you know,
I'm glad you're here or something.
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I'm glad you're here.
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Oh!
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Print laminate and distribute
the most signs.
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Each of your signs must be placed
on a different seat.
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And all your signs must have
a different instruction.
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You have 20 minutes.
Ancl your time starts now.
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How long does it take
to laminate a sign?
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What size does the sign have to be?
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Is there a standard size
for laminated signs?
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I used to work in my dad's office,
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and he docked some of my wages
cos he had a laminating machine,
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and I laminated love letters
to my ex-boyfriend. Good times.
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Fern, it feels like
I probably shouldn't ask,
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but why were you laminating letters
to your ex-boyfriend?
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They were love letters,
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and by laminating it,
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I felt like it showed that
I really meant what I was saying.
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Yeah. I mean, I-I agree.
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My family moto is
print, laminate, distribute.
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OK, let's go.
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Let's see. OK, well, first up,
it's Fern, John and Dara.
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So start off with a simple one.
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Don't sit down.
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Turn your phone to silent.
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I mean anything's an instruction,
isn't it?
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It's just a blank-headed document.
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Now the document's gone
to tiny font.
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This is... What? What?
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It's quite nice to look
at fonts now and then.
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Yep. What font have you gone for?
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I've always liked Georgia.
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Where's print? Um... ls there a
picture of a printer somewhere?
200
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Is there... Is that
how these things work?
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You're looking for a picture
of a printer?
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00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,375
I'm looking for a picture of
a printer.
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Change to diary invite?
204
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Where's print?
205
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I haven't seen some of these fonts
since I was about ten.
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Jokerman. Look at this.
207
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What's that thing middle-aged women
have on signs?
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Live, laugh...
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"Sin?
210
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That's the size of
the sign I just made.
211
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I can't actually read it,
what does it say?
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It says... These instructions
are quite clear.
213
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The instructions are on the sign.
214
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First sign. Right, first sign.
215
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So there's a sign.
It's not laminated!
216
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Uh, right, Wingdings.
217
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I feel so productive,
even though this is very silly.
218
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Do these things separate?
219
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They separate!
220
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The factory is now open.
221
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,655
Do you know what that says?
222
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,375
Bums only.
223
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,775
I can't remember
what the other two meant.
224
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,175
I don't remember typing
"leave your husband".
225
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,535
So I've written some of these
in a fugue state.
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WHISTLE BLOWS
227
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Thank you, Dara.
HE SIGHS
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Hold up.
There's two that say warm your burn.
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That says warm your bum.
230
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,175
How have I done that
in three times?
231
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Hello, Fern. Hello.
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That's for you as well.
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A little something extra.
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Obey all your signs.
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Highest percentage
of signs obeyed wins.
236
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You have three minutes.
Your time starts now. Good luck.
237
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,935
Well, I can't!
238
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,255
OK. Watch out for burglars.
239
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,695
HE GASPS
Burglars! High-value kidnappers!
240
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,975
Well, that's your seat.
So could you sit there?
241
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The jokerman's seat.
242
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,055
So we'll wait for him to turn up.
243
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:47,615
Eat 25g fibre a day, starting from
now. Where's my sandwich for lunch?
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00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,455
HE GASPS
Muntjack deer! Oh, tigers!
245
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The Gruffalo!
246
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,415
Yeah, I mean I've walked straight
into this now, haven't I?
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Cos I...| don't remember
what that says.
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Breathe.
SHE INHALES SHARPLY
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00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,695
Warm your bum. Warm your bum.
250
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,015
"Get your arse off this."
It's not on this.
251
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,095
Here come the police, run away!
252
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,415
"Leave your husband."
Oh, I'm not married.
253
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:11,695
"Run."
254
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,215
"Warm your burn."
255
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,735
I'm typing in the word "bum"
because I remember writing that.
256
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,575
Right, you've got 38 seconds.
257
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,415
Oh.
258
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,175
That...that is not...
259
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,575
It change...it changed.
260
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,575
I'm sure it changes.
261
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,455
That's it, I've clone them all.
Finished?
262
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,815
The only thing it's told me
to do is watch out for stuff.
263
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,455
Muntjack deer!
264
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,855
I don't know.
I definitely wrote "home".
265
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,175
Right, that's bollocks.
266
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,535
That apparently is "home"
in Wingdings.
267
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,215
You've got one minute left.
Ah, I can't do this instruction.
268
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,495
What does it say?
"Poo in your pants."
269
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,655
That's a problem.
270
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,695
Whoa. Yes, it will come out,
won't it?
271
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:56,935
What's the word? Would it bifurcate
into two separate poos?
272
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,855
You've got five seconds, john. Yep.
273
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,015
Done.
274
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,375
APPLAUSE
275
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:17,335
john, I put it to you,
you're not in this for the win.
276
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,295
I think Wingdings changes
every time you use it.
277
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,655
I don't think that can be true.
278
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,335
That's true.
That's the Enigma machine.
279
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,415
Jokerman's seat,
is that an instruction?
280
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,055
Uh...
281
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,135
The task didn't say the signs
had to be instructions, did it?
282
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,575
No, it's exactly what it said, yes.
283
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:49,535
There's quite an arse theme
within your response, Fern.
284
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:51,895
You warmed your bum three times,
successfully,
285
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:55,135
and then you said
a word that I wasn't aware of. Mm.
286
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:58,335
Bifurcation.
Did you know about bifurcation?
287
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,815
I did know about bifurcation.
Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
288
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,295
He went to Cambridge.
289
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,015
I went to a...college.
290
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,455
So...
291
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,735
Uh, Dara. Yes.
292
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:08,855
What I wrote down is,
293
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:12,335
"Dara's reaction
to seeing high-value kidnappers,
294
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,495
"tigers, The Gruffalo is identical."
295
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,495
Ah!
296
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:22,495
Dara looked like he did a lot, but it's
percentage, isn't it? It's percentage.
297
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,455
Dara did all 100% of his.
298
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,095
He did 25 out of 25.
299
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,855
Fern managed to do 75%
of her instructions.
300
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,575
John - sort of half.
301
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,175
I couldn't read half of them, man!
302
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,695
OK, time for a break. For fun,
why don't you ask your partner
303
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,175
during the break if they'd like
a nice cup of tea?
304
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,535
If they say yes,
scream into their face,
305
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,255
"Tough, I would like
to have been noticed
306
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,295
"for the last 15 years."
See you after the break.
307
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:58,855
APPLAUSE
308
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,535
Welcome, welcome back.
It's the start of part two.
309
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,375
Yes, it is, and we're
in the middle of a two-part task.
310
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,735
They had to print
and laminate lots of signs
311
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,975
and then, unbeknownst to them,
obey as many of them as possible.
312
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,175
There are two people left.
313
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,695
One is a human called Sarah,
the other is
314
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,495
a "chiwawa" called Mun ya.
Here we go.
315
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,375
All right,
so this should be fairly easy.
316
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:21,135
This technology is just
like breathing to me.
317
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:24,335
Print. Ooh! We're off.
318
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,095
Oh, I like the smell.
319
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,855
Go on, then.
320
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,375
You don't need to press anything.
321
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,295
Yeah, well,
who out of both of us is likely
322
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,575
to know more about technology?
323
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,135
It's not doing much, is it?
324
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,415
Oh, right, I need to put
some of this on it.
325
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,695
What's this for?
326
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,975
Come on. Why's it sweating?
327
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,095
Get that back out.
328
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,015
Thank God for that.
329
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,495
So this is your very first
lamination, is it? It is.
330
00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:00,415
I mean, it might...
Is it the best day of my life?
331
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,935
There's got to be some sort
of fast setting on this.
332
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,495
Why would they have a fast setting?
333
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,935
Well, because in case
you're in a rush. There you go.
334
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,255
Do you think the other guys
would have already laminated?
335
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,175
Can you imagine Mun ya laminating?
336
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,855
No. Where did you get this thing
from, man?
337
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,255
Look at what it's clone to my sign. I think you might
have broken it when you pulled the thing through.
338
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,175
Wow. How long have I got left?
339
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,655
You've got 30 seconds.
340
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,655
SHE GASPS
Come on. Faster, faster, faster.
341
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,615
Oh, my Lord.
342
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,415
WHISTLE BLOWS
343
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,375
Oh, no, what? ls there more?
344
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,735
"Obey all of your signs."
345
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:52,175
All right.
346
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,215
Alex stinks - agree.
347
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,815
I agree Alex stinks.
348
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,775
Number one. Go.
349
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:02,335
Walk out of the door.
There's a doorway.
350
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,335
Live - doing it.
351
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,615
Laugh - ha-ha.
352
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,215
Be leng. I mean, come on.
353
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,015
Oh, there's a door!
354
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:16,055
Walk out the door. Turn around.
355
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:17,735
Oh, I feel dizzy.
356
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,575
Be healthy, my bro. One, two...
357
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:25,935
"Leave." "Sod off." It says
"go away." This says "bugger off".
358
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,855
Well, I did everything.
359
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,415
100%, you think? Yeah.
360
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:33,095
"Do eat that." "Don't eat that."
361
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,455
"Take your pants off." No way.
362
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,255
Imagine that on the telly. Done.
363
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,615
Mun ya, with the reason of hindsight,
would you say that the sentence
364
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,975
"technology is like breathing
to me,"
365
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,335
that the confidence there
was misplaced?
366
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,095
No, because the thing is
it was ageist
367
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,175
because I know to you guys
a laminator's like a PS5,
368
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,615
but for me I'm used to
the more...you know the nippy stuff.
369
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,015
Can I ask a question? What's a PS5?
370
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,055
PlayStation.
371
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:05,855
Oh. For children, yep.
372
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:07,295
It's like a...
373
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:13,695
So what you did, Sarah, was an
extended mega mix of I will Survive,
374
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,015
the song? Started off that way.
375
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,415
Just because I was trying
to think of quick instructions.
376
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,815
Yeah, but it's nice cos Gloria Gaynor
should have been more aggressive.
377
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,455
She should have said,
"Go on, bugger off."
378
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,095
Sarah did a healthy number
of instructions - 14 -
379
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,455
and obeyed 91 % of them,
380
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,935
cos she did not take her pants off.
She did not take her pants off.
381
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,215
No, didn't have any on,
so, you know...
382
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,575
Whereas Mun ya managed
to laminate nine signs.
383
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,855
He then obeyed all nine.
384
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,575
AUDIENCE OOHS
385
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:43,855
There's two sets of scores.
386
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,295
One for the amount of signs
and one for the percentage obeyed.
387
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:47,855
In the first half,
John gets one point
388
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,855
for his measly seven signs,
two to Mun ya,
389
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,815
three for Sarah, four for Fern,
five for Dara.
390
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,575
Ancl then, in terms of percentage
obeyed, again John only one point,
391
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,135
two for Fern, three for Sarah,
392
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,095
but Mun ya and Dara both get
five points
393
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:03,575
because they both obeyed 100%
of their signs.
394
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,415
So that's how the scoring works.
395
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,255
Shall we have a look
at the scoreboard?
396
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,255
Yes, well, unbelievably,
John is at the bottom of
397
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,015
the scoreboard
with just three points.
398
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,335
The leader has five times
as many as him.
399
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,775
That's Dara with 15 points! Whoa!
400
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,015
APPLAUSE
401
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,575
I'd like another task, please.
402
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,975
Yes, of course, and it's time
to get your diving gear on
403
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,575
and then go delving for grapes.
404
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,095
This is a lovely location.
405
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,415
You left handed
or right handed, john?
406
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,575
Right handed.
407
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,535
SHE GASPS
408
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,895
Put your hand right in there,
please. Yeah.
409
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,375
Perfect, there we go.
Well, it's all yours. Good luck.
410
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,295
Oh, no.
411
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,295
And now I'll open the task?
412
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,615
Yes, please, yeah.
413
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:13,015
Fuck. Guys, here we go.
414
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,855
Am I meant to read it
with these on?
415
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,295
Yeah, I can give you a hand
if you want. Yeah, that'll be fab.
416
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,015
That's fantastic.
just lower that down for me.
417
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,375
Would you just do that last
bit now? Oh, sure, yeah.
418
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,215
It's quite easy,
you just pop it open.
419
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:27,495
Can I take them off?
420
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,655
Before the task, yeah, if you want.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
421
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,015
"Put five grapes
in the little bowl."
422
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,575
"You've got five minutes."
423
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,335
"You must wear the flippers as
gloves for the entire five minutes."
424
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:44,695
"The most flour still on
the plate after five minutes wins."
425
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,695
"Your time starts now."
426
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,935
Come on, let's crack on. Yeah, it's
an old sort of grandmother's game.
427
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,335
We used to play this with my gran,
428
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:55,975
but instead of flour,
she used butter,
429
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,175
instead of grapes, wasps,
430
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,535
and instead of flippers,
we had to use our eyelids.
431
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,615
Ancl were gonna start
with some good old-fashioned S&M,
432
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,935
it's Sarah and Mun ya. Here we go.
433
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,695
Nothing around.
Nothing under the table.
434
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,295
Aha! Cos the thing is
you want me to dig into the flour.
435
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,935
I can see there's a little
grape holder underneath.
436
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,255
It's a messy one though, yay.
437
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:17,735
HE STRAINS
438
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,615
Oh, there's no grapes
in there. Crap.
439
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,335
No grapes in the grape holder?
440
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,015
Arghg
441
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,415
What happens if I drop one of
the grapes on the floor? Nothing?
442
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,055
All the information on the task.
It's covered in flour now, love.
443
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,535
OK, right, right, right.
444
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,135
I'm just gonna get all
the flour off. Different tactic.
445
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,895
I can't tell you if this is
the worst idea you've ever seen
446
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,455
or if I'm actually a genius.
447
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,375
Right, now, one grape.
448
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,975
This is how I cook. Like that.
449
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,455
One grape. Two. Boom.
450
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:51,415
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Two grapes.
451
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,855
Thanks. Three grapes.
452
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,135
Do you know what I've just realised?
453
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:57,775
Cos most flour wins, isn't it?
454
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,775
There's another little bugger.
Here he is hello. Hello.
455
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,295
Five grapes.
456
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,935
Right, so now all I need to do is
get all the flour back on the plate.
457
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,375
Where is the plate?
458
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,015
Here.
459
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,335
Uh, do I have to do anything else?
460
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:14,775
I'm gonna pour the table over it.
Great.
461
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,935
Arghg
462
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,575
Uh, flour...
463
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,615
45 seconds.
464
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,455
Yes!
465
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,815
"Most flour left..." Oh, no!
466
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:33,615
WHISTLE BLOWS
Yes!
467
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,375
Should have read that,
468
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,855
shouldn't have covered it in flour.
Thanks, Alex.
469
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:42,215
Pleasure. Five nice grapes.
You can leave whenever you like.
470
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,535
You can leave the garage now.
All right.
471
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,015
Also push or pull.
472
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,815
0w!
473
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,175
Oh, look at all these grapes.
Oh...
474
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,375
Oh, damn it!
475
00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,975
Fucked that one up.
476
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,215
Bye!
477
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:05,215
I didn't see them at all!
I couldn't believe that!
478
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,295
Yeah, so it was
"get five grapes in the bowl",
479
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,815
but it's measuring
the amount of flour
480
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,335
that's still on the plate
afterwards,
481
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,615
and Mun ya had 2,514 grams,
482
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,335
Sarah just 900g of flour.
Who's next?
483
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,095
Next up it's Fern time
and it's Kearn time.
484
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,335
Are they hidden in the ceiling?
485
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,775
Is there grapes behind me
or something?
486
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:33,975
Just gotta go like that,
then pan for grapes.
487
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:38,495
Hold on they're not...they're
not like...
488
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:39,815
They could be...
489
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:41,815
Yeah, all right.
490
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,775
They could have been under there.
491
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,535
Well, hang on, just gotta...
492
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:58,735
DING!
493
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,295
Well done.
494
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:02,735
HE LAUGHS
495
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,175
Huge regrets.
496
00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:07,575
DING!
One grape.
497
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,495
Yes. This is like doing surgery,
isn't it?
498
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,695
A lot of surgeons are alcoholics,
499
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,655
so it probably feels
like they have big hands
500
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,655
on an especially pissed day.
501
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:22,015
DING!
Two grapes.
502
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:26,415
Mm-hm. Doing it on an old person
cos they're very dry and desiccated.
503
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,255
So their bodies
are just like flour.
504
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,815
HE LAUGHS
505
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:38,535
DING!
506
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,535
You've got one minute, 45 left now.
507
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:43,015
Come on, we've gotta save
this old person.
508
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,815
DING!
HE COUGHS
509
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,655
DING!
Fucking hell.
510
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,375
You're still one grape short.
511
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,335
Oh, trying to find it.
512
00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:00,655
I can put flour back on the plate,
can't I?
513
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,335
OK. That's the idea.
514
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:03,735
Ten seconds.
515
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:04,855
No!
516
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,455
WHISTLE BLOWS
Time's up.
517
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,455
I need a bit of moisture.
518
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,455
I'm too tired to keep going.
519
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,135
WHISTLE BLOWS
520
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,535
She's gone.
521
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,895
I did everything I could, though.
522
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,055
Let me out.
523
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:26,495
Oh.
524
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,855
Some interesting statistics
about the medical community, Fern.
525
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,975
Oh, aye. Oh, aye? Yeah.
526
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,415
Cos sometimes if a task
felt boring,
527
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:45,055
I had to pretend I was helping
a person or an animal
528
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:46,175
to get through it.
529
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:50,575
This one made sense to pretend
I was operating on an old person.
530
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:53,935
And to be fully emotionally engaged
with their death as well.
531
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:57,255
Their poor desiccated skin
falling away.
532
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:00,735
John, I hate to repeat
the questions I ask you,
533
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,935
but...are you not wanting
to win any of these?
534
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,895
I just...
535
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:10,495
Yeah, but...
536
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:13,455
Yeah, what that picture
doesn't show is that
537
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:15,735
I've got flippers
for fucking hands!
538
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,335
He did pretty well.
539
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,815
He got nearly 2kg of flour
on the plate at the end.
540
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,415
Twice as much as Sarah.
541
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,215
Oh, I do apologise, john.
542
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:28,615
That's quite enough for now.
543
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,255
A welcome chance for us all
to have a quick stop
544
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:35,175
and a plop. One wet, one dry,
fresh as a daisy for part three.
545
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,575
See you soon!
546
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:51,095
Hello, again and welcome back
to Taskmaster.
547
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:53,535
Can you give me an update, please,
Alex? Yes, Greg.
548
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:56,135
The cast were wearing flippers
on their hands whilst trying
549
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,495
to find five grapes
and pop them into a little bowl.
550
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,175
The most flour on the plate
at the end wins,
551
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,775
one person left to see,
and it's Dara O Briain.
552
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,175
If there's some sense
of where they were,
553
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,295
that would be a help.
554
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,295
Is there any way in which
I can do this in
555
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,095
a way which is salvageable? Um...
556
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:16,855
Oh, no!
557
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:18,215
Argh...
558
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:21,335
Oh, it's on a cup.
Oh, that's not nice.
559
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:23,855
OK. Hang on let me just do this,
right?
560
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:27,775
Back.
561
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:31,095
CUP SHATTERS
562
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,015
Somewhere within this,
there is still grapes.
563
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:36,015
Are there grapes?
Would somebody lie about the grapes?
564
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,015
Oh, that would be
the worst thing in the world!
565
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,375
Oh!
566
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:49,295
"Put five grapes in the little bowl.
You have five minutes."
567
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:50,815
Can I go to the kitchen, please?
568
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:51,815
OK.
569
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,175
Ah, that's also mean!
570
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:06,735
Oh!
571
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:17,175
Grapes, grapes, grapes,
grapes, grapes, grapes...
572
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:18,855
Grapes!
573
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:26,215
30 seconds. Well, it doesn't say
exactly five grapes.
574
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,815
Be nice. though, wouldn't it?
It would be.
575
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:31,615
Ten seconds.
576
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,655
Five grapes and flour - clone.
577
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:40,895
WHISTLE BLOWS
578
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,095
APPLAUSE
579
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,295
I went on such a journey
during that.
580
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,055
He was trying to work it out,
581
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:51,535
and then from the arrogant flick
of the egg cup onto
582
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:54,655
the floor onwards,
he became a super villain.
583
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:56,535
He actually went...
584
00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:58,295
EVIL LAUGHTER
585
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,975
...at one point cos he'd worked
it out. Brilliant.
586
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,415
I don't know how he didn't notice the
grapes which were this far from his eyes.
587
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:08,095
He was too busy laughing
into the night sky.
588
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:10,415
EVIL LAUGHTER
589
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:14,775
Scoring wise, Fern didn't get five
grapes, so does she get any points?
590
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,095
Oh. She was so tired.
591
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,655
Well, she was in there
for five minutes. Oh.
592
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:23,095
LAUGHTER
593
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:25,855
Is that all I did? Oh, no.
594
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:27,735
She didn't fulfil the task,
she can't have any points.
595
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:29,455
OK. So it's zero to Fern.
596
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,095
Sarah came fourth,
so gets two points.
597
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,455
John is third,
so you get three points.
598
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,815
I can tell you Mun ya - 2,514 grams.
599
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:41,055
Dara - 2,903 grams. Wow.
600
00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:43,495
So Dara gets the five points.
Very impressive.
601
00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,055
One more, I think.
602
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,575
Yes, and this one involves
something you've broken
603
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,535
a lot of, Greg - running machines.
604
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:54,015
Cos...cos... Let's go.
605
00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:55,375
What? No. what the Li?
606
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:16,655
Hello, Fern. Hiya.
607
00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:19,215
Got your buckets? Yeah.
608
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,095
You look nice. Oh, thanks, yeah.
609
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:25,095
OK. Get ready to receive the task.
610
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:33,695
Whoo!
611
00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:35,455
Arghg
612
00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:37,415
HE GROANS
613
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:38,695
You hit me.
614
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:39,935
Are you acting?
615
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,055
"Sort the ducks and socks."
616
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:47,495
"Ducks go in the front bucket."
Obviously.
617
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:49,775
"Socks go in the back bucket."
618
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:51,415
Ducks, socks, ducks, socks.
619
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:54,695
"All ducks and socks must travel
along both treadmills,
620
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:57,095
"then fall directly
into the correct bucket."
621
00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:01,055
"If a cluck or sock lands on
the floor, you may not retrieve it."
622
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,335
I'm not sure I could get down
with these on.
623
00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,895
"Most ducks and socks
in correct bucket wins."
624
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:08,975
QUACKING
625
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,895
"There is a pair of bonus points..."
626
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:12,095
Ooh, proper points.
627
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,415
"..For the most correctly paired
socks."
628
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:15,615
"You have 15 minutes."
629
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:19,615
"Your time starts now." Duck, socks.
630
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:26,215
It's a bog-standard game
of double bucket duck and sock.
631
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:28,575
Yes, it is.
I propose that we just get going.
632
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:31,575
Well, first we're gonna see
the self-proclaimed task mistress
633
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:34,055
Fern Brady
and the self-proclaimed John Kearns.
634
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:35,575
John Kearns, here we go.
635
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:41,735
Where are the ducks and socks?
636
00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:43,415
Not far off.
637
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:45,695
Right. So you gotta run around?
638
00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:47,215
Well, like I think so, yeah.
639
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:50,775
Well...
640
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:54,735
Oh, there's a duck.
Does this count?
641
00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:55,895
Yeah, I guess so.
642
00:31:57,600 --> 00:31:58,615
One.
643
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,175
And...
644
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,095
WOW!
645
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:09,695
Ducks in the front.
646
00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:13,535
Jeez!
647
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,815
Ah, yes, that's a pair.
648
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,015
POP!
649
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:23,295
Well, what dropped then?
650
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,615
POP!
Did you hear that? Yeah.
651
00:32:25,640 --> 00:32:27,215
Well, what dropped?
652
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:28,775
POP!
653
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:30,215
What the fuck's in that?
654
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:36,255
POPPING
655
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,695
You...
656
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:40,135
They're not hidden.
657
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:42,615
But they are, though. Well...
658
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:45,015
Are they in the bath?
659
00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:46,855
Oh, no!
660
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:49,615
There's a duck in the sock!
661
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:51,935
How small's he?
662
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,215
You can't buy them that small.
Right.
663
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,215
Come on.
664
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:02,935
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
665
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:07,095
HE SIGHS
666
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:09,415
I'm not bad at this,
that's the thing.
667
00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:10,775
Hmm.
668
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,295
Oh, hang on. Can I slow it down?
669
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,135
BEEPING
Here we go.
670
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:18,695
Three and a half minutes left,
john.
671
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,695
Oh, they all died.
672
00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:29,655
Would you like to see me get
a sock and a duck, one-two?
673
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:30,975
I would love that.
674
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:32,215
Crack on with it.
675
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:37,895
You absolute wanker!
676
00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:39,695
SHE MUMBLES
677
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:45,455
Oh, no!
678
00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:52,655
WHISTLE BLOWS
679
00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,695
There's only socks in that one. Yes.
680
00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:57,535
And there's only socks in that one.
681
00:33:57,560 --> 00:33:59,815
There is a duck in that one.
There's gotta be.
682
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:02,655
Oh, one duck, one duck.
683
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:10,335
I wrote some quotes down
that you said during your attempt.
684
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:11,815
"What the fuck is that?"
685
00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:14,815
"Did you hear that?
Well, what dropped?"
686
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:16,775
"You can't even buy them
that small."
687
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:19,415
Yeah, but you can't buy them
that small.
688
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:22,895
I bought my son one a month ago.
689
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:24,815
But did you try
and get a really small one?
690
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:31,535
Did you do extensive research into
the smallest duck you can buy?
691
00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:34,535
There was only one size of duck.
692
00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:37,375
I don't know what
the fuck they were.
693
00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:41,775
I'd have looked mad if I'd gone up
to the pharmacist and gone,
694
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,055
"Sorry, do you have..." Pharmacist?
Pharmacist?
695
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:49,735
Where are you buying your ducks?!
At the pharmacy.
696
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:52,055
Why are you buying ducks
at a pharmacy?
697
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:53,295
Well, where else do you buy 'em?
698
00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:56,895
At least john found the ducks
very quickly,
699
00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:59,495
whereas Fern thought we'd hidden
the ducks and the socks,
700
00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:02,135
and she put a crown on and said
she was the mother of the ducks.
701
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:06,615
Yeah. I did create
a narrative where I was
702
00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:09,335
the mother of the ducks,
saving them.
703
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:10,895
Ancl some of them cited.
704
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:14,855
Some of them died, yes,
but most of them were rescued.
705
00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:17,735
Yeah, she did rescue 44 ducks
in her duck bucket... OK.
706
00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:22,695
...and 13 socks, so she had a total
of 57 things in her buckets.
707
00:35:22,720 --> 00:35:25,255
Wow. John - nine socks,
one duck, no pairs.
708
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:32,455
OK, two more duck and sock sorters
now. It's Mun ya and Sarah.
709
00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:34,255
Are they all in here?
710
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,095
Right, start with the ducks.
711
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:43,375
Oh, no, you put them inside.
712
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:45,655
The ducks inside the socks!
713
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:47,895
Oh, this is gonna take ages.
714
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:54,015
AUDIENCE OHS
715
00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:58,455
You caught them. Waah!
716
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:00,775
Right, we're gonna move on
to socks now. Great.
717
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:02,095
Hold on.
718
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:04,975
I can't see me pockets
because of me tits. Sorry.
719
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:08,215
You can't see your pockets
because... Yeah.
720
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,015
What the hell?! I didn't get any in.
721
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:18,855
"If they fall on the floor, then
you're not allowed to pick 'em up."
722
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:21,095
Correct. Oh, well...
723
00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:24,175
One at a time is better.
724
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:28,655
Quick!
725
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:31,175
How many did I get? One.
726
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:33,775
Well, the jokes on you
because I get to go again.
727
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:35,415
BIRDS HONK
728
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:38,375
How long have I got left, please? You
haven't got long. Two and a half minutes.
729
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:40,695
I didn't ask for an opinion.
I just asked for a time.
730
00:36:40,720 --> 00:36:42,335
Right. So no more opinions.
731
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:45,175
Sock one, sock one.
732
00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:47,615
This is how we used
to make footballs in Zimbabwe.
733
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:49,935
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, no.
734
00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:50,855
How long?
735
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:56,255
Eight, seven, six,
five, four, three...
736
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:01,135
WHISTLE BLOWS
737
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:04,135
Did I do it?
738
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:12,615
I mean, if I'm honest,
I don't know what I thought
739
00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,055
cos all I can hear is,
740
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,455
"I can't see my pockets
because of my tits."
741
00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,775
It happens more often
than you'd think.
742
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:20,215
Well, I've got a similar problem.
743
00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:25,255
The Zimbabwe sock football
was a colossal failure.
744
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,855
Well, it did lead to a disaster
of many ducks falling out
745
00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:29,255
as he fell in.
746
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:31,775
So I should have been good at that
task, cos when I was a kid, I used
747
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,735
to practise balancing in the bath
by covering it in Vaseline.
748
00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:35,935
So...
749
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,255
Hang on, hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
750
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:40,575
So you cover the bath in Vaseline
751
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:42,895
and then you see how long
you can stand up for.
752
00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:44,855
It's a game.
753
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:46,615
So what, you've never played games
in the bath?
754
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:47,895
Yeah, I played games.
755
00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:49,375
Like what kind?
756
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:50,895
I don't know.
757
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:53,495
That's not a game
what you're thinking of.
758
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:54,735
Go on tell me. It's not a game.
759
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:57,175
See if you can use elastic bands
to make it look like a submarine.
760
00:37:57,200 --> 00:38:00,415
LAUGHTER
761
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:07,815
Right. Thank God it's break time.
762
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:09,735
When we come back,
someone edges closer
763
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,615
to winning Munya's dead plant
and Dara's dead knee.
764
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,015
See you soon.
765
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:24,655
APPLAUSE
766
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,495
Hello, welcome back to
the final part of tonight's show.
767
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:29,055
Yes, it's been a great night
768
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:30,815
and I really think that's down
to you,
769
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:34,055
Sarah, Mun ya,
Dara and Fern being on top form.
770
00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:36,455
LAUGHTER
771
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:37,855
Before the break
772
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:39,895
the comics were busy sorting out
ducks and socks,
773
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:41,615
but there's still one person left
to see.
774
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:45,295
So here we go, it's the host of Sock
the Beak its Dara O Briain.
775
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:46,295
Thank you, everyone.
776
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,455
Whey! Now all through the keys, you
pair up the socks
777
00:38:57,480 --> 00:38:59,935
before you send them down.
778
00:38:59,960 --> 00:39:03,335
Oh, this is not the fun bit.
Oh, I want the fun bit.
779
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:07,175
Oh, here we go, here we go.
780
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:16,095
Can we put the bag of ducks down?
A bag for ducks.
781
00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:17,735
Can I get a bag, please?
782
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,495
So, now I'm gonna gamble with this.
783
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:24,935
This goes wrong, this is calamitous.
784
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:31,855
Oh, legend! They're in plastic bags.
785
00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:33,135
Wow, are they all paired?
786
00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:36,215
They're all paired.
This is a big moment.
787
00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:39,695
There's only one way to do this.
788
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,215
Oh!
789
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:51,255
SLOW-MO SHOUTING
790
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:54,095
APPLAUSE
791
00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:59,255
You made two or three references
to just wanting to get on
792
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:00,815
with the fun bit.
793
00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:04,175
The kneeling on the ground, taking
ducks from socks, that's not fun.
794
00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:06,575
That's not fun at all.
That's a non-fun thing.
795
00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:10,975
Watching the ducks go on two treadmills,
I could have clone that all clay.
796
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:12,375
Hit me with some numbers.
797
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:16,735
Well, obviously john in last place
with one point,
798
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:19,815
Fern got a total of 57, Sarah 58,
799
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:21,135
so she's in third place.
800
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:23,815
Mun ya got 37 socks compared
to Dara's 28,
801
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:26,175
but the ducks fell out,
so he only ended up
802
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:29,095
with 29 ducks compared
to Dara's 63 ducks.
803
00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:31,975
What's more, Dara was the only
person who paired more than two socks.
804
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:34,535
He paired a total
of 28 socks, 14 pairs.
805
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:35,975
So he gets two bonus points as well.
806
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:39,175
So that's seven points in total
to Dara O Briain. It's amazing.
807
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:41,095
Yeah.
808
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:42,975
OK it's time for you all to head
to the stage for
809
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:45,295
the final task of the show!
810
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:47,535
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
811
00:40:49,440 --> 00:40:50,815
Raise the curtain.
812
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:53,335
AUDIENCE: 00h!
813
00:40:55,240 --> 00:40:57,575
Alex, who's going to read
the task out?
814
00:40:57,600 --> 00:40:59,575
Sarah Millican is going to read
the task out.
815
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:00,735
Commence.
816
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:03,055
Make the taskmaster say your words.
817
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:05,415
Each team will ask one question at
a time
818
00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:09,015
and each question must be made up
of exactly six words.
819
00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:11,575
Also each team member must take it
in turns
820
00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:13,895
to say two words of each question.
821
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:16,735
First to make the taskmaster say
your word wins.
822
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:19,455
Dara, which of these would you like
to be your first word?
823
00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:21,815
This one? If you take that one,
please. Thank you.
824
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:24,135
You can show it to your team
and you can show it to the audience.
825
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:25,455
So that one is for this team.
826
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:27,815
Sarah, you're gonna go first.
Thank you.
827
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:30,135
You cannot talk tactics
with your team mates at all,
828
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:31,255
but it is a team task.
829
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:33,615
OK, so we're gonna start with
a team of three.
830
00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:36,055
Dara will commence the question.
Here we go. Good luck.
831
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:39,095
What wriggles...
832
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:42,015
...in Greg's...
833
00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:43,895
LAUGHTER
834
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:46,655
John to complete the question.
835
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:50,455
...muddy garden?
836
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:52,895
What wriggles in Greg's
muddy garden?
837
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:54,855
Worm.
838
00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:56,015
APPLAUSE
839
00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:57,215
Very good.
840
00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:01,415
So, to stop this team winning round
one, you need to get it in one.
841
00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:02,735
Good luck.
842
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:03,735
What breakfast...
843
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:08,775
...is long...
844
00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:11,735
...and meaty?
845
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:14,935
LAUGHTER
846
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:21,455
Sausage.
847
00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:22,455
APPLAUSE
848
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:28,575
OK. So round one is a tie.
We move to round two.
849
00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:30,215
We're gonna go slightly
harder words.
850
00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:32,575
Here we go, so this time let's start
with the team of two.
851
00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:34,895
Mun ya, you're gonna kick off
the question.
852
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:36,015
Can you...
853
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:42,415
No, no, no more words.
854
00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:44,095
...lessen erection...
855
00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:48,455
Please finish off the
question, Mun ya.
856
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,175
...until it's?
857
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,175
Right, well, that's the end of
the question.
858
00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:57,535
Greg the question is,
can you lessen erection until its?
859
00:42:57,560 --> 00:42:58,775
Soft.
860
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:01,815
Not right. Your turn, team of three.
861
00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:03,855
How would...
862
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:05,295
...you describe...
863
00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:09,815
...enormous hugeness?
864
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:12,695
Massive.
865
00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:15,495
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
866
00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:19,015
Absolutely brilliant!
867
00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:20,615
So, the team of three win round two.
868
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:23,335
It's currently 2-1.
Good luck, everyone.
869
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:26,335
John, you're gonna start
the question this time.
870
00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:27,335
I wish...
871
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:33,615
...not to...
872
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:34,895
"I wish not to..."?
873
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:40,055
Yeah, somehow turn this into
a question, please, Dara,
874
00:43:40,080 --> 00:43:43,055
and also make it relevant
to the word somehow.
875
00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:48,655
...ascend vertically?
876
00:43:50,120 --> 00:43:51,295
So the question is...
877
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:53,175
LAUGHTER
878
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:55,455
...| wish not to ascend vertically?
879
00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:59,455
Descend.
880
00:43:59,480 --> 00:44:01,135
It's, weirdly, not right.
881
00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:04,135
So, it's Sarah to start.
882
00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:05,735
What trousers...
883
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:08,175
...do farmers...
884
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:11,295
...wear now?
885
00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:16,055
Well, it's either, just to tee it
up,
886
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,055
it's either dungarees or overall.
887
00:44:21,720 --> 00:44:24,455
But what do they wear NOW?
888
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:27,735
That's what's, that's what's thrown
me.
889
00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:29,255
Overau.
890
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:31,175
You've gone for overall, it's not
right.
891
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:33,815
So, it's the team of three again.
892
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:36,175
Which aircraft...
893
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:38,815
...crashes more...
894
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:40,135
LAUGHTER
895
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:56,055
John, would you mind finishing off
the question?
896
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:57,375
It's easy.
897
00:44:57,400 --> 00:44:59,215
...into mountains?
898
00:44:59,240 --> 00:45:00,735
LAUGHTER
899
00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:09,095
Helicopter.
900
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:10,215
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
901
00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:15,575
So, this is to draw this round.
902
00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:18,455
Not overalls...
903
00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:24,775
...so it...
904
00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:26,015
...must be...
905
00:45:27,480 --> 00:45:28,775
Dungarees.
906
00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:30,615
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
907
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:34,735
So, the team of three win three,
the team of two win two.
908
00:45:34,760 --> 00:45:36,615
Marvellous. Let's put that to the
final scores.
909
00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:38,055
Come down and join me.
910
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:39,975
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
911
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:46,615
Easy one to score.
912
00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:49,775
The team of three got three points, the team
of two got two points. You happy with that?
913
00:45:49,800 --> 00:45:52,775
Yes, please. That's nice and easy.
But it does mean the final scores...
914
00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:55,895
It's a clean sweep,
a huge 30 points in one episode,
915
00:45:55,920 --> 00:45:58,215
and that's, of course,
Mr Dara O Briain. There it is.
916
00:45:58,240 --> 00:46:00,535
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
917
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:02,215
Dara wins.
918
00:46:02,240 --> 00:46:06,815
Please go and gather your things
never to be thrown away.
919
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:11,495
So what have we learnt today?
920
00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:14,615
We've learnt that people come in
different shapes and sizes.
921
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:18,495
But not ducks. No. Ducks come in
one size and one size only.
922
00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:22,295
And if you've got an issue with that
fact, you'd better speak to this 911V-
923
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:24,815
Bye-bye, everyone.
924
00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:29,175
You can go now, but don't forget who
won tonight. It was Dara 0 Briain.
925
00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:30,775
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
926
00:46:55,640 --> 00:46:57,895
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