1
00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:01,879
- _
- Michael designs the new neighborhood.
2
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:04,049
The Bad Place gets to
choose the four new humans.
3
00:00:04,050 --> 00:00:06,213
The other residents
will be Janet Babies.
4
00:00:06,214 --> 00:00:07,840
You know, if we pooled our resources,
5
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,301
we could be done in two
shakes of a lamb's Derek.
6
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,339
Thanks, Derek.
7
00:00:11,340 --> 00:00:12,519
When you fail, the four humans
8
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:14,009
will be tortured for all eternity.
9
00:00:14,010 --> 00:00:16,224
But guess who's going to
be doing the torturing?
10
00:00:16,225 --> 00:00:17,600
We built a Michael suit.
11
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I can't do it. It's too scary.
12
00:00:19,890 --> 00:00:21,929
Hi, John, I'm the architect.
13
00:00:21,930 --> 00:00:23,099
Come on in.
14
00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:25,441
The Bad Place didn't
pick the worst people.
15
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:28,589
They picked the people who
would be the worst for us.
16
00:00:28,590 --> 00:00:31,689
You need to erase my
memory and reboot me.
17
00:00:31,690 --> 00:00:33,239
Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor.
18
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:34,730
Come on in.
19
00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:40,159
Wow! Just... wow!
20
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It's perfect.
Everything is just perfect.
21
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I am so, so happy.
22
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I'm glad you like it.
23
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It's so quaint... it feels cozy,
24
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but also vibrant and limitless.
25
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,699
I can't believe how...
how utterly, completely,
26
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:56,739
100% perfect everything is...
27
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You know, let's keep this moving.
28
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Oh, yeah, sure.
29
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Here is your new home,
30
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complete with two of
your favorite things:
31
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floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and...
32
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Reading lights! I love reading lights.
33
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They are great for reading.
34
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,196
And, oh, check this out.
Um, hold out your hand.
35
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And think about a book.
36
00:01:15,110 --> 00:01:16,519
[BOOK THUNKS]
37
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:18,780
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
38
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,879
I can summon philosophy
books like Thor's hammer.
39
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This is literally my number one dream.
40
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Also... ow!
41
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[LAUGHS] That hurt.
42
00:01:26,810 --> 00:01:28,713
Well, I have a lot to attend to. Um...
43
00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,673
welcome to the Good Place, Chidi.
44
00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,919
Thank you so much.
Ah... and I'm... I'm sorry.
45
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,050
This has been so overwhelming,
I-I forgot your name.
46
00:01:38,860 --> 00:01:40,809
- Eleanor.
- Eleanor, right.
47
00:01:40,830 --> 00:01:43,269
Sorry. Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.
Now I'll never forget.
48
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:46,479
Well, you might! [CHUCKLES]
49
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♪ ♪
50
00:01:49,540 --> 00:01:51,199
Okay, can we not...
51
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,039
Oh, Eleanor, you did a brave thing
52
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and I am embracing you and
I shall not let you go.
53
00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:57,999
And I'm also embracing you
54
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,871
because this feels warm
and my hands are cold.
55
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Guys, I'm good. Honestly.
56
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Wasn't even as bad as I thought.
57
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I mean, who cares if he
doesn't remember my name?
58
00:02:07,086 --> 00:02:10,129
Oof... I mean, cool.
59
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,999
Good save, bud.
60
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,499
Let's just concentrate
on the next resident,
61
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:17,595
who gets here in... six minutes.
62
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Wait. I need to say something.
63
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I know this seems bleak and it
feels like we're all doomed
64
00:02:22,980 --> 00:02:25,639
and therefore humanity is doomed.
65
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,059
You needed to say that?
66
00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:30,650
The point is, I believe that
we're destined to succeed.
67
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There is nothing that the
Bad Place can throw at us
68
00:02:33,250 --> 00:02:36,114
that we can't handle,
because we are an incredible,
69
00:02:36,115 --> 00:02:38,282
inspiring, brilliant group of...
70
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,319
Supercharged, d-bag, ass-wiping maniacs.
71
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,799
I mean, look at you.
72
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,159
I am so proud
73
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:48,249
of how disgusting and cruel you all are.
74
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:50,940
You suck.
75
00:02:50,950 --> 00:02:53,965
You all suck donkey butts.
76
00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:58,009
Tahani... so, so smart,
and sophisticated.
77
00:02:58,010 --> 00:02:59,149
She was the only one who was able
78
00:02:59,150 --> 00:03:00,719
to talk me out of that goatee.
79
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,679
Well, I lost that battle
with Robert Downey Jr.,
80
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,726
and I'll be damned if
I lose it with you.
81
00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:07,103
Bambadjan... such an
unbelievable dingus.
82
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:08,229
And Val.
83
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:10,314
Who's a bigger skidmark than Val?
84
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,566
Maybe your mom.
85
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,309
[LAUGHTER]
86
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Classic.
87
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,654
We have Janet,
88
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:19,407
who can do literally anything.
89
00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:22,999
She made all the other
people in the neighborhood.
90
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,689
- Not people.
- We have me,
91
00:03:24,690 --> 00:03:28,199
who had a momentary setback,
but I'm feeling great now.
92
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,200
And that was awhile ago.
93
00:03:29,201 --> 00:03:31,790
Most of you don't even
remember it, probably.
94
00:03:32,860 --> 00:03:36,300
We have Jason, who can...
95
00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:41,349
And marching us into battle,
96
00:03:41,350 --> 00:03:45,516
our fearless leader,
the pride of Phoenix, Arizona,
97
00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:47,389
Eleanor Shellstrop!
98
00:03:47,390 --> 00:03:48,399
- Yay, Eleanor!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
99
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,179
Technically, the pride of Phoenix
100
00:03:50,180 --> 00:03:52,379
is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper
101
00:03:52,380 --> 00:03:53,789
made from cigarette butts.
102
00:03:53,790 --> 00:03:55,399
It's outside City Hall.
103
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,629
But thank you for the kind words.
104
00:03:57,630 --> 00:03:59,169
With this team,
105
00:03:59,170 --> 00:04:01,532
there's no problem we can't solve.
106
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,701
There is no problem we can't create.
107
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:07,455
And believe me, we are gonna
create some a-problems.
108
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:10,739
So let's kick things off with
our official Bad Place song.
109
00:04:10,740 --> 00:04:14,045
ALL: ♪ 1-877-KARS for Kids ♪
110
00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:17,507
♪ K-A-R-S, Kars for Kids ♪
111
00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,968
- Ooh, are we singing?
- Shut up, Glenn.
112
00:04:19,969 --> 00:04:22,419
[LIGHT MUSIC]
113
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
114
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_
115
00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:27,809
I think you look great.
116
00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:29,477
Professional, serious.
117
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A proper team leader.
118
00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:32,479
It does make me feel authoritative,
119
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,659
like that chick from "Law and Order."
120
00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:36,069
Well, boys,
121
00:04:36,070 --> 00:04:40,155
looks like we got ourselves an SVU.
122
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,490
I've never seen the show.
123
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,827
- [DEVICE CHIMES]
- Okay, who we got next?
124
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,039
Linda? Come on in.
125
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,249
So you, Linda Johannsen,
126
00:04:53,250 --> 00:04:55,159
are in the Good Place.
127
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,923
That's nice.
128
00:04:57,940 --> 00:05:00,499
I know this can be a
little overwhelming,
129
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,760
but you'll get used to it.
130
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,260
Do you have any questions?
131
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:06,549
Is there a fitness center?
132
00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:07,799
There can be,
133
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,799
plus literally anything else
134
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,770
you could possibly wish for.
135
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,809
Just in case we weren't clear,
136
00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:16,739
this is the Good Place.
137
00:05:16,740 --> 00:05:18,819
A state of eternal happiness.
138
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:21,189
Paradise.
139
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:23,160
That's nice.
140
00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:25,650
I like that.
141
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:30,389
So the Bad Place sent
Simone to mess with Chidi,
142
00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:32,669
John to mess with Tahani...
do you think they sent Linda
143
00:05:32,670 --> 00:05:34,889
to mess with Jason? She's from Norway...
144
00:05:34,890 --> 00:05:37,503
is Norway, like,
the opposite of Florida?
145
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,089
All I know is she's boring.
146
00:05:39,090 --> 00:05:42,899
She makes Neutral Janet
look like Disco Janet.
147
00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:45,721
Disco Janet was around
for awhile, years ago.
148
00:05:45,722 --> 00:05:47,099
She was great.
149
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:49,682
I mean, she was a lot, but she was fun.
150
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,299
Actually, that's a good idea.
151
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:53,728
Let's unload this dead weight. Janet?
152
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:56,148
- Hi, there.
- Linda, this is Janet.
153
00:05:56,149 --> 00:05:58,139
If you want anything at all,
154
00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,650
Janet can bring it to you. Watch.
155
00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:02,679
Janet, can I have a baby elephant
156
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,019
made of pure light
157
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:06,819
that tells you true secrets
about the universe?
158
00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:09,699
- [CHIME RESOUNDS]
- Shirley Temple killed JFK.
159
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:11,660
See? Anything you want from Janet?
160
00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:15,875
Can I have... a peppermint?
161
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,599
Sure.
162
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:18,670
[CHIME RESOUNDS]
163
00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:21,779
I'm gonna go over there now.
164
00:06:21,780 --> 00:06:24,759
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
165
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,000
Stonehenge was a sex thing.
166
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:29,720
[CHIME RESOUNDS]
167
00:06:32,220 --> 00:06:34,799
Brent? Come on in.
168
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:39,649
So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.
169
00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:42,399
Really? Well, that blows.
170
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,194
Ah, you know what, maybe
it's a good thing, actually.
171
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:45,459
Some journalist was poking around,
172
00:06:45,460 --> 00:06:47,169
calling all these ladies
who used to work for me.
173
00:06:47,170 --> 00:06:48,619
You can't even make a joke these days!
174
00:06:48,620 --> 00:06:50,034
Everything is so PC.
175
00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:51,994
And I was an equal-opportunity
offender, okay?
176
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:54,747
I made jokes about
everybody, and by the way,
177
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,169
I'm the furthest thing from racist.
178
00:06:56,170 --> 00:06:58,339
My dentist was a black woman.
179
00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:00,503
I just think people need to loosen up.
180
00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:02,330
So, where am I, exactly?
181
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:06,779
- The Good Place.
- Oh, cool.
182
00:07:06,780 --> 00:07:08,169
Good.
183
00:07:08,170 --> 00:07:10,379
So, Brent, I see from your file
184
00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:12,299
you were in the materials business.
185
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:14,029
Oh, yeah, big time.
186
00:07:14,030 --> 00:07:17,560
Strings, chords, vinyl,
synthetics, rubber...
187
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:19,640
we do vulcanized now, so that's huge.
188
00:07:19,650 --> 00:07:22,733
Plus metals... aluminum,
brass, copper... what else...
189
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,799
- Steel?
- No, not steel.
190
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,278
Steel's a sucker's game.
191
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,939
Polymers, coatings, internals...
192
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:29,739
you crack open an HVAC?
193
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:31,439
That is all us.
194
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:33,202
Is there golf here?
There freaking better be.
195
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:36,149
Okay, well, why don't you
explore around a bit
196
00:07:36,150 --> 00:07:38,519
while I go far away and
if you need anything,
197
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,710
you can always ask Janet. Janet?
198
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:41,961
- [CHIME RESOUNDS]
- Hi, there. How can I help you?
199
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,879
Oh, a secretary. Great.
200
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,459
- Not a secretary.
- Fine, fine.
201
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:46,989
Executive assistant.
202
00:07:46,990 --> 00:07:49,429
Here we go with all the terms
we gotta learn, right?
203
00:07:49,430 --> 00:07:52,589
Vice-president of helping.
Captain Marvel.
204
00:07:52,590 --> 00:07:53,640
You know what I'm saying.
205
00:07:53,650 --> 00:07:55,307
Oh, I'm not part of this.
206
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,393
Let me show you around.
207
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,239
Well, Linda must be here for Jason
208
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:04,233
because Brent is definitely here
to annoy the fork out of me.
209
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:07,275
Everyone, you may remember
Matt from accounting.
210
00:08:07,276 --> 00:08:09,780
The Judge has assigned
him to our project.
211
00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:11,741
So I'll be monitoring
the four new humans.
212
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:14,449
A modified point system will
be applied to their actions
213
00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:16,328
for the next year, and then
we'll know how much better
214
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,538
or worse their behavior is
215
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:18,914
than when they were alive.
216
00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:21,583
But no one will be able to see
what's happening in real time.
217
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,420
Good luck saving humanity
from eternal doom.
218
00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:28,219
[OBELISK CLICKING]
219
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:29,499
[OBELISK HUMS]
220
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,135
Okay, forget about all that stuff.
221
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:34,479
For this first week, all we
need to do is figure out
222
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,470
what the fork is up with these benches.
223
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,642
So, I made this.
224
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,809
We start 'em out on this side,
225
00:08:40,810 --> 00:08:43,119
because we're like, "What's her deal?"
226
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,039
And when we feel we have a
handle on who they are,
227
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:49,219
what makes them tick,
we move them to this side...
228
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:50,609
party time.
229
00:08:50,610 --> 00:08:53,400
We already know a lot
about Simone... so...
230
00:08:54,690 --> 00:08:55,910
boom, see?
231
00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,328
One down, three to go.
232
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:58,788
Let's go figure out the others.
233
00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,664
We can do this. On three.
234
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,409
Dead eyes, eat hearts, can't lose.
235
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,619
Ah, sorry.
236
00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:07,338
Old Bad Place rally cry.
237
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:09,739
Aww, aww.
238
00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:12,239
Janet! He's walking around again.
239
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,349
Yeah, I see that. Derek,
what are you doing here?
240
00:09:15,350 --> 00:09:16,749
You're supposed to stay at Mindy's.
241
00:09:16,750 --> 00:09:18,079
I can't help it.
242
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,309
I'm just such a proud daddy Derek.
243
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,879
I mean, will you look at all these
244
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,814
beautiful babies that we made?
245
00:09:23,815 --> 00:09:26,999
She made them, dude.
You barely did anything.
246
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,652
Probably just, like, made all the butts.
247
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:31,639
I did make all the butts.
I made that butt...
248
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:32,650
- I made that butt...
- Right.
249
00:09:32,656 --> 00:09:34,657
- I made both those butts.
- [LAUGHS]
250
00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:36,739
Derek, you have to
stay at Mindy's house.
251
00:09:36,740 --> 00:09:38,452
What if one of our new
humans sees you and starts
252
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:41,009
asking questions about
the weirdo in the tux?
253
00:09:41,010 --> 00:09:43,299
Say no more, but before I leave,
254
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,499
can I have a hug
255
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:47,378
in celebration of
everything that we created?
256
00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:49,255
- Okay.
- Aww.
257
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:53,669
That feels so... Derek.
258
00:09:53,670 --> 00:09:54,927
Oh.
259
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:58,339
You are all, simply put, good people.
260
00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:00,979
The point of the video is
to make them all confront
261
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:03,019
what kind of people they were on earth.
262
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:06,063
Keep a close eye on our four subjects.
263
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:08,599
Try to gauge their reactions, you know?
264
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:13,099
The subtlest glances,
the tiniest flinches.
265
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,198
What about shaking someone by the head?
266
00:10:15,199 --> 00:10:16,859
What does that mean?
267
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:18,201
Oh, boy.
268
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:22,496
Hey, Simone, everything okay?
269
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:26,149
Yeah, well, no... well,
actually, it doesn't matter.
270
00:10:26,150 --> 00:10:27,501
None of this is real.
271
00:10:27,502 --> 00:10:28,749
Sorry?
272
00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:31,439
I'm a neuroscientist, so I
get what's going on here.
273
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,159
You know, clearly, I was in
some kind of horrible accident,
274
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,059
I'm on my deathbed,
and this entire thing
275
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:38,380
is just a hallucination
constructed by my damaged brain
276
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,709
as it slowly shuts down.
277
00:10:39,710 --> 00:10:40,719
It's not real,
278
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:44,935
so I'm just gonna wander
around until I wake up or die.
279
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:47,229
See you later, figments
of my imagination!
280
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,024
[CROWD MURMURING]
281
00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:52,139
She's just gonna go get some popcorn
282
00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:54,849
from the... river.
283
00:10:54,850 --> 00:10:56,149
There's a popcorn river.
284
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:57,740
I'll show you guys later.
285
00:10:57,741 --> 00:11:00,409
Uh, she said keep going without
her, so let's roll it.
286
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,019
Janet, make a popcorn river.
287
00:11:02,020 --> 00:11:04,779
Everyone else, meet at
Mindy's in ten minutes.
288
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:08,439
Well... we're off to a fantastic start.
289
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,399
I wish I could stay and help,
but this system is so complex
290
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,789
that if I lose concentration for
even one billionth of a second,
291
00:11:14,790 --> 00:11:16,579
the entire neighborhood
could collapse in on itself
292
00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:17,594
like a dying star.
293
00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:21,180
Also, Brent wants a BLT.
294
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,432
Simone's reaction is fairly common.
295
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:24,899
When I worked in the Bad Place,
296
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,619
some people just wouldn't believe it
297
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:27,937
when they heard they were dead.
298
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:29,059
How did you convince them?
299
00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:30,099
They'd usually come around
300
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,359
by the third or fourth
day of mouth fleas.
301
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,610
Obviously not an option here.
302
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,639
But, if Simone doesn't
think this is real,
303
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,781
she definitely won't
become a better person.
304
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:41,529
Who can convince her that this
actually is the afterlife?
305
00:11:41,530 --> 00:11:44,219
We need someone authoritative
and reassuring,
306
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:47,119
like... Nelson Mandela
or Sir Patrick Stewart
307
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,419
or really any of my old
racquetball partners would do.
308
00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:50,899
Oh, I know who it should be.
309
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:51,979
If you say Blake Bortles,
310
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:54,171
- I'm gonna slap you a lot.
- Chidi!
311
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,923
I believe everything Chidi ever tells me
312
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,679
because of his brain
and how he looks like
313
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,130
one of those owls that
graduated from college.
314
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,299
Of course.
315
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,990
Time to activate our
ethical sleeper agent
316
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,800
and introduce him to Simone.
317
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:07,779
Eh, I don't know,
Simone isn't struggling
318
00:12:07,780 --> 00:12:09,019
with a philosophy problem.
319
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:12,147
She's just, you know,
like... being silly.
320
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:13,759
Let's just get her to the welcome party
321
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,229
and I'm sure she'll be fine.
322
00:12:15,230 --> 00:12:16,979
Eleanor!
323
00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:18,560
Look what my brain did!
324
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,490
It's not real and neither are you.
325
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:24,439
♪ I'm in a coma and
none of this is real ♪
326
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:25,784
Okay, I know this is bad
327
00:12:25,785 --> 00:12:27,219
and we need a new approach,
328
00:12:27,220 --> 00:12:31,167
but... she is wearing the hell
out of those foam fingers.
329
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:34,939
[VOCALIZING]
330
00:12:34,940 --> 00:12:37,519
Dude! Janet told you to stay at Mindy's.
331
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,509
I know, I just came to
mix myself a Derek,
332
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:43,119
and then I'll be on my way.
333
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:47,099
Before you leave,
I want to call a truce.
334
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,339
- Hmm?
- Feel like you're trying
335
00:12:48,340 --> 00:12:51,469
to get under my skin, but it's okay.
336
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:54,106
I've decided to rise above it.
337
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,019
Well spoken, Mr. Mendoza.
338
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:58,789
Let me say in response...
339
00:12:58,790 --> 00:13:02,865
I will destroy you.
340
00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:06,699
Janet is, and always will be,
341
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:09,369
my mommy-girlfriend.
342
00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:13,000
You have crossed the Rubicon now, pal.
343
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,543
[LAUGHS MENACINGLY]
344
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:17,171
[GLASS SHATTERS]
345
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,609
Mmm...
346
00:13:18,610 --> 00:13:19,959
Okay, status report.
347
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,409
What have we learned about Linda?
348
00:13:21,410 --> 00:13:23,699
Little, I'm afraid...
I tried talking to her,
349
00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:26,090
but it was the dullest
conversation I have ever had,
350
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:28,139
and this is coming from someone
who once split a Xanax
351
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,599
with Peter Sarsgaard.
352
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,160
Frankly, I'm glad she's boring.
353
00:13:31,170 --> 00:13:33,228
We have enough to worry about.
How is Brent doing?
354
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,309
About the same, I'd say.
355
00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:37,769
Princeton. Graduated in the
top half of the bottom half
356
00:13:37,770 --> 00:13:38,809
of my class.
357
00:13:38,810 --> 00:13:41,419
Rowing team, sailing
team, class president.
358
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:42,820
I hung out with all those guys.
359
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,949
Okay, and John, our
favorite gossip columnist?
360
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,979
Luckily, before I died, I pumped my face
361
00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:49,409
with six vials of Juvederm.
362
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:52,079
I'm hoping that my corpse looks
like a waxed tile floor.
363
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,958
My ex-boyf is going to be supes jel.
364
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,479
Okay, well, I'm gonna do a loop.
365
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,830
Trying to see who gets me.
366
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,479
Our biggest liability
right now is Simone.
367
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,800
Let's try to keep the three
of them away from her.
368
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,659
We can't wait any longer.
369
00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:09,139
We have to introduce Simone to Chidi.
370
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,810
Why? I-I think she's doing great.
371
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,480
See, she's getting all the
cake-pushing out of her system.
372
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,939
I know it's painful to think
of the two of them...
373
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:23,979
connecting, but Chidi made
an incredible sacrifice.
374
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:27,616
He had his memories erased
so he could help people.
375
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,219
And if we don't let him help Simone,
376
00:14:29,220 --> 00:14:31,549
it'll be all for nothing.
377
00:14:31,550 --> 00:14:33,789
Fine.
378
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:37,419
Stupid... ethical...
reasonable argument.
379
00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:39,789
I wish you were a cake. Push you over.
380
00:14:39,790 --> 00:14:41,255
Are you still muttering?
381
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:43,382
No! I stopped.
382
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,803
Stupid, good-hearing, reformed demon...
383
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,399
Wow.
384
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,266
- [YELPS]
- Oh!
385
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,184
Hey, there, Simone.
386
00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:55,659
Shoving people in the pool, huh?
387
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:57,519
Yeah, just testing the laws of physics
388
00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,179
here in my nonsense brain jail.
389
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:00,190
Who's this?
390
00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:03,009
Uh, this is Chidi Anagonye.
391
00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:06,099
He was a professor of ethics
and moral philosophy,
392
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:07,866
so I figured he might be able to help...
393
00:15:07,867 --> 00:15:10,739
Chidi Anagonye, that sounds so familiar.
394
00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:11,859
Where did you teach?
395
00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:14,830
- St. John's University in Sydney.
- Of course!
396
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,245
I used to teach there.
397
00:15:16,246 --> 00:15:18,039
I must've seen his name
on the faculty list
398
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,159
and now my dying brain
399
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,479
is just leaking out random information.
400
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,599
Oh, the human mind is truly incredible!
401
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,760
♪ I want something else ♪
402
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,879
♪ To get me through this ♪
403
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,319
♪ Semi-charmed kind
of life, baby, baby ♪
404
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:36,010
Look, sorry, uh, what...
what's happening now?
405
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:37,979
When I was a kid,
my CD alarm clock broke
406
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,809
and it used to wake me up
to that song every day,
407
00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:42,379
so now I'm singing it to
try and wake myself up.
408
00:15:42,380 --> 00:15:44,679
Okay, well, nice meeting you.
409
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,819
Nice to meet you too, cute guy generated
410
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,899
by my rapidly decaying temporal lobe.
411
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,949
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-do-do-doo ♪
412
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,073
♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪
413
00:15:52,074 --> 00:15:53,119
[DOOR HANDLE SHUFFLES]
414
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,369
Hey...
415
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,919
You know, it's bad enough
416
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,759
you guys have taken over my house
417
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,219
for a year and I've had to move
418
00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:01,619
into the attic, but
now I have to walk in
419
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:03,279
to find Darth Vader's turd
420
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,790
in the middle of my living room.
421
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,131
I mean, what is this?
422
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:09,149
No time to explain.
Also, I kind of forgot.
423
00:16:09,150 --> 00:16:11,339
Where is Derek's plunger?
The one that kills him.
424
00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:13,899
Yeah, I used to do
this whenever I needed
425
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:15,180
some alone time.
426
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:16,719
Once, I rebooted him
427
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,890
just because he was
breathing super loud.
428
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:21,659
Then, when he woke up, he was
like, "I don't breathe."
429
00:16:21,660 --> 00:16:22,979
So I don't know what I heard.
430
00:16:22,980 --> 00:16:25,859
Well, I'm doing this because he's
trying to steal my girlfriend.
431
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:27,799
Yeah, you don't need to justify it.
432
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,822
Again, I do it all the time.
433
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,033
No, no, no, Mindy,
please wait, don't kill me!
434
00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:35,619
Oh... it's you? [LAUGHING]
435
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:38,289
Okay, well, you certainly
don't have the Dereks to...
436
00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:43,200
[DRAMATIC POUNDING]
437
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:45,800
[BODY THUDS]
438
00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:49,419
[LAUGHING]
439
00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:51,259
Yeah!
440
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,554
[EXHALES] Oh, it's always good.
441
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:55,348
- ♪ Doo-do-do-doo, doo, doo, doo ♪
- You know what, Simone?
442
00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:58,479
Think of it this way. If this
is really all a hallucination,
443
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,561
doesn't it seem kind of basic?
444
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,854
I mean, surely, your brain
would imagine something
445
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,315
weirder than just a nice cocktail party?
446
00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:06,650
Oh, you mean like that?
447
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,236
Attention, I have been Dereked.
448
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:12,447
That's probably my doctor.
Oh, this is all in my head.
449
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,782
I'm gonna go eat a knife.
450
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:16,493
Attention. Murder has been me.
451
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:17,995
Let me get this straight:
452
00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:20,706
Derek, quote, "made mean eyes at you,"
453
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,542
so you went to Mindy's
house and murdered him?
454
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,819
Yeah, dog, but his
eyes were really mean.
455
00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:29,059
You're probably thinking this...
456
00:17:29,060 --> 00:17:32,175
but they were more like this...
457
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:34,053
- [CHIME RESOUNDS]
- Jason, why did you kill Derek?
458
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,899
I had to get his giant
head out of the sky
459
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:38,432
before any of the humans could
see, and it was not easy.
460
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,760
I was scared Derek was trying
to slide into your DMs.
461
00:17:40,770 --> 00:17:42,719
I hate being scared. It's... it's scary.
462
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,559
I don't have time for this.
I am running a neighborhood
463
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:45,619
and its residents,
464
00:17:45,620 --> 00:17:47,579
and Eleanor just casually orders me
465
00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:48,909
to make popcorn rivers,
466
00:17:48,910 --> 00:17:52,039
and Brent won't stop
calling me for stuff.
467
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,071
Ugh!
468
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,407
Are we still boyfriend-not-a-girlfriend?
469
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,867
We'll talk about it later.
470
00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,494
Okay, executive decision:
forget about Simone.
471
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,439
Janet, make sure she
doesn't come in contact
472
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:02,449
with the other humans.
473
00:18:02,450 --> 00:18:03,495
Let's focus on Linda.
474
00:18:03,496 --> 00:18:05,125
We ought to be able to figure her out
475
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,579
if we can just liven her up a bit.
476
00:18:06,580 --> 00:18:08,269
We'll just, like, sprinkle some cocaine
477
00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:09,546
on her peppermints or something.
478
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,659
Does anyone else find it suspicious
479
00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:14,639
that the Bad Place sent someone so dull?
480
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,379
No, it makes perfect sense to me.
481
00:18:16,380 --> 00:18:18,499
They are trying to drive us insane
482
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:21,510
by giving us a big boring
glob of plain yogurt.
483
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,227
Tomorrow morning,
we start Operation Linda.
484
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:25,979
Okay, you heard the lady.
485
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:28,145
We'll meet in the town
square bright and early.
486
00:18:28,146 --> 00:18:29,399
Janet, set up for Flying Day.
487
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:30,619
Cool.
488
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:33,559
I'm not busy or anything,
so that'll be easy.
489
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,129
Off you go.
490
00:18:35,130 --> 00:18:37,991
Whoo-hoo!
491
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:41,819
Linda, how are you
enjoying the Good Place?
492
00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:43,081
It's good.
493
00:18:44,270 --> 00:18:45,739
Everyone's flying.
494
00:18:45,740 --> 00:18:48,126
You don't want to go flying any higher?
495
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,939
No, thanks.
496
00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:51,338
Oh, well, okay.
497
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,239
Says in your file that
you like knitting.
498
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,579
Would you like to do
some knitting right now?
499
00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:56,599
No, thanks.
500
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,346
Is there another activity
you'd like to do now?
501
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:03,389
You also enjoyed listening to birds.
502
00:19:03,390 --> 00:19:07,020
Man, Linda, you don't even look at them?
503
00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:10,229
Let's go hear some birds.
What do you say?
504
00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:11,983
I'm gonna go get another peppermint.
505
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,259
Come on, Lins.
506
00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:16,364
You can have literally
anything you could poss...
507
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:18,739
- What the...
- [GRUNTS]
508
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:21,359
[ALL GRUNTING, HOLLERING]
509
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,519
[DRAMATIC POUNDING, AIR WHOOSHING]
510
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:26,609
[FLIERS GRUNTING]
511
00:19:26,610 --> 00:19:27,749
[FLIER YELLS]
512
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:28,759
♪ ♪
513
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,119
Okay, so... [SNIFFS]
514
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,470
Maybe she's less boring than I thought.
515
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,239
So let me get this straight, Shawn:
516
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:41,339
you sent a demon in disguise
as one of the subjects?
517
00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:43,630
Yes, he did, Your Honor.
518
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,559
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]
519
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,819
♪ ♪
520
00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:51,019
Luckily, none of the
other test subjects saw
521
00:19:51,020 --> 00:19:52,107
the mess he made,
522
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:54,059
but he put the experiment at risk
523
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:56,361
and he attacked me and Eleanor.
524
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,779
And I'm sorry, where's your shirt?
525
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,639
I think it got stuck in the skin suit.
526
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,359
Well, keep it there.
527
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,019
Damn it, Chris, you were supposed
to slowly undermine them
528
00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:07,339
and gradually sabotage the experiment,
529
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,751
not just go ham on day
two, you fart plume.
530
00:20:09,752 --> 00:20:11,710
I told you, I'm not an actor.
531
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,754
And when you get back here,
you won't be anything.
532
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,439
Okay, fine, yes, busted.
533
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,769
I'm a rascal.
534
00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:18,959
We'll come pick him up and replace
him with an actual human.
535
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,119
Oh, you will do nothing
of the sort, mon ami.
536
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:24,979
This outrageous act must be punished.
537
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:27,226
Chidi will be the fourth
subject in this experiment.
538
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,079
No, no, no, no, no, no.
539
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,499
He's perfect because he's already had
540
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:31,644
his memories erased.
541
00:20:31,645 --> 00:20:33,389
Although you can't erase that booty,
542
00:20:33,390 --> 00:20:34,691
know what I'm saying, blondie?
543
00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:36,099
All due respect, Your Honor,
544
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:37,193
keep it in your robe.
545
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:40,339
What she means is thank you,
Your Honor, we accept.
546
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,073
Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.
547
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,679
Chidi can't be part of the experiment.
548
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,069
They already know that he can improve.
549
00:20:45,070 --> 00:20:46,799
That's like studying for a test,
550
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,829
then acing the test. It's cheating.
551
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:50,139
How is that cheating?
552
00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:53,418
You're just falsely accusing
us of what you actually did.
553
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:54,753
No, that's what you're doing.
554
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,505
Shawn, I don't have time for this.
555
00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,719
I just started "Deadwood"... finally...
556
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,819
and I need my daily dose
of Timothy Olyphant,
557
00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:03,721
so I'm gonna make this short.
558
00:21:03,722 --> 00:21:07,899
If you so much as breathe
on this experiment again,
559
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:11,329
I will restart the entire
thing from scratch,
560
00:21:11,330 --> 00:21:15,169
and then I will personally
rip off your eyelids
561
00:21:15,170 --> 00:21:17,269
and make you watch heartwarming videos
562
00:21:17,270 --> 00:21:20,153
of soldiers coming home to their dogs.
563
00:21:20,154 --> 00:21:21,439
[PUNCHY MUSIC]
564
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,109
Whoa, slow down.
565
00:21:23,110 --> 00:21:24,279
[BRAKES SQUEALING]
566
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,560
[GARBAGE CANS CRASHING]
567
00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:28,119
Did you put those trash cans there
568
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,455
just so you could crash into them?
569
00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:31,799
That wasn't my fault, I was texting.
570
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,501
Okay, let him go, dung buckets.
571
00:21:33,502 --> 00:21:34,689
Nice try.
572
00:21:34,690 --> 00:21:38,959
We'll put him on the train
and handcuff him to a bench.
573
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,699
Yeah, forgive us if we don't trust you
574
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:42,379
not to cheat again.
575
00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:44,640
Surprised you figured out
that Linda was a fake,
576
00:21:44,650 --> 00:21:47,739
because we all thought
you were too stupid.
577
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:50,642
Well, it was actually
Tahani who got suspicious.
578
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:54,187
Aww... that is so embarrassing for you.
579
00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:56,731
Seems like you're royally
forking this up,
580
00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:57,959
just like we knew you would.
581
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,049
Okay, take off,
582
00:22:00,050 --> 00:22:01,779
and give Shawn a message for me.
583
00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:04,359
Tell him that we said, "Boo-yah!"
584
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,499
Make sure you do the hand motion.
585
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:08,019
Like, "Boo-yah!"
586
00:22:08,020 --> 00:22:09,029
Are you listening to me?
587
00:22:09,030 --> 00:22:10,079
- Okay, Michael, that's fine.
- No, show me...
588
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,319
- show me how you're gonna do it.
- That's fine.
589
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,519
No, it's important that
she does the hand thing,
590
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,835
'cause it really drives the point home.
591
00:22:15,836 --> 00:22:19,379
- _
- [STEAM HISSING]
592
00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:23,380
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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