1
00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,847
- [Megan] Anything?
- Nope. Nobody knows squat.
2
00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:15,265
What the here is going on?
3
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,642
We haven't had any new humans
to torture in a week.
4
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,394
- I miss it.
- I know.
5
00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:22,022
I got so desperate this morning,
I tried flattening an eggplant.
6
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,481
It's just not the same.
7
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,483
Hey! Skin tags. Special meeting.
8
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,193
- About what?
- I don't know.
9
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,821
Probably your dad's stinky sack.
10
00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:31,489
[Steve and Megan laugh]
11
00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:33,575
I hope it's not
more sexual harassment training.
12
00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:36,911
We just did that.
And I'm already so good at it.
13
00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:40,498
Whoa! All right! We got 'em.
14
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,333
Okay, here we go! [cackles]
15
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:45,587
Yeah. Uh, that's not exactly
what's happening here.
16
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:48,089
The Bad Place is going to be changing,
17
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:49,215
and I'm...
18
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:51,301
Well, I'm kind of your boss now.
19
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:53,928
He's joking, right?
20
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:55,054
I'm afraid he's not.
21
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,431
Things are changing.
22
00:00:56,514 --> 00:01:00,101
Michael and I
are actually going to be wor...
23
00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:01,936
Wor... Wor...
24
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:03,980
Working... together.
25
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,982
Ugh! Oh, I hated that.
26
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,735
I hated saying it, hated how it felt,
hated all of it. Ew!
27
00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:10,111
You all have been hand-selected
28
00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:14,532
to be the very first Bad Place architects
who will learn the new system.
29
00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:16,201
Why do we need a new system?
30
00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,787
Torture works.
It's the way it's always been done.
31
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:22,290
With all due respect,
"it's the way it's always been done,"
32
00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:24,918
is an excuse that's been used
for hundreds of years
33
00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:27,962
- to justify racism, misogyny...
- [Steve] Exactly!
34
00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:30,673
See? This chick gets it.
35
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,557
So, these computers have access
36
00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:42,936
to every file for every human
currently in the Bad Place.
37
00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:44,521
And the three of us
have a very important job.
38
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:47,816
To find out which former US presidents
were secretly gay.
39
00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:49,526
- No.
- Okay, fine. Bi.
40
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,110
Sure, but also,
41
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,113
while Michael is trying
to get the architects trained,
42
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:56,241
we're supposed to find
the first 1,000 humans to take the test.
43
00:01:56,324 --> 00:02:00,453
People who'll just sail right through it,
so we can build confidence in the system.
44
00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:01,412
So, what are the criteria?
45
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:04,082
Should it be people
with the highest point totals,
46
00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:06,084
or overcame the greatest hardship?
47
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,377
I think we just start with the gimmes.
48
00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:09,462
The very best people who ever lived, so...
49
00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:12,841
Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me,
50
00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:16,553
DJ Jazzy Jeff... [gasps] A genie
so we could wish for infinity people...
51
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,096
- Jason...
- Sure, throw me in there, too.
52
00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:21,099
Also, Fat Bastard,
The World's Most Interesting Man,
53
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:23,101
Pikachu, Karate Kid,
54
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:24,769
Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat,
55
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:27,522
and the GPS lady
that tells you where to drive,.
56
00:02:28,022 --> 00:02:29,691
[sighs]
Feels like a good stopping point.
57
00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:31,734
Let's call it a day.
Come back fresh tomorrow.
58
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,695
- Great job, everyone!
- What...
59
00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:41,161
[Michael] Okay. Janet's passing out
the file on Tahani Al-Jamil,
60
00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:43,663
who volunteered
to be today's test subject.
61
00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:45,874
So, take a look and then we'll get going.
62
00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:47,333
[Tahani] They don't seem very enthused.
63
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,377
This may be a tougher challenge
than I thought.
64
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:52,213
Like when I tried to teach
Taylor Swift how to dance.
65
00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:54,424
The longest four years of my life.
66
00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:57,677
We're uprooting
the entire Bad Place system,
67
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,054
and these architects
are set in their ways.
68
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,140
It's gonna take a lot of work.
69
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:05,018
But the work is the fun part, guys.
70
00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:06,853
So, no matter how long it takes,
71
00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:11,149
we'll see it through
and usher in a better, brighter future.
72
00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:14,319
Screw this.
I'm not working for a traitor.
73
00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:15,737
Phil out.
74
00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,405
That's my name, Phil.
75
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,490
Oh, Phil. Hey. Come on, buddy.
76
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,075
I personally chose you
77
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:24,787
based on your innovative work in the
Performative Wokeness department.
78
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:25,872
Wow.
79
00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:28,082
Way to mansplain my own department to me.
80
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,918
And I'm triggered.
81
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:30,960
[laughs]
82
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,630
Oh, man! What a legend!
83
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:36,132
- Ooh. Who you reading about?
- Me.
84
00:03:36,215 --> 00:03:37,425
I ruled on Earth.
85
00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:39,969
I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor.
86
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,096
Even if the car was moving,
87
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,599
or on fire, or a boat,
88
00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:46,100
I still always got that gas.
89
00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,268
Oh, man.
90
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,438
I never thought about the fact
that we could look up our own files.
91
00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:52,065
Yeah. I printed out all of ours.
92
00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:57,278
- I love you, okay?
- Oh.
93
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:58,988
The words are nice, but the tone is scary.
94
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:02,283
We're in love, and everything's great,
and if we wanna keep it that way,
95
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:05,370
you have to promise
to never, ever, ever read my file.
96
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,414
Okay, if you don't want me to,
then of course I won't,
97
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,500
but nothing in there could ever change
how I feel about you.
98
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:15,296
Eh. You say that now, but you don't know
what I did on Halloween 2013.
99
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,131
What did you do on Halloween 2013?
100
00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:19,259
Oh, I don't remember,
but it must've been bad.
101
00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:22,428
Because the next morning, I woke up
in a large Rubbermaid container
102
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:23,721
in some family's basement,
103
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,807
and I'd barfed
all over their old photo albums.
104
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:29,644
Yeah, see? That's the look
we're trying to avoid here, bud.
105
00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,354
I don't need to read your file.
106
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:33,022
I know you.
107
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:36,651
And I love you, and I can't wait
to spend eternity with you.
108
00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:41,990
I mean, obviously,
we have a lot of work to do here,
109
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:43,491
and then we both have to pass the test.
110
00:04:43,574 --> 00:04:45,285
But, eventually,
we're gonna be together forever.
111
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:46,327
You have to read my file right now.
112
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,788
What? I'm confused. Is this a game?
113
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,541
Is it a sex game, somehow?
114
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,792
I can't risk it.
115
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:55,378
What if we spend
half of eternity together,
116
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:58,548
and then, you find out something
that does change the way you feel about me
117
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:02,343
and then you resent me
for wasting half your eternity?
118
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:04,721
No. It's better we just rip
the Band-Aid off
119
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,515
and you read about all the bad stuff now,
when we're hot and heavy.
120
00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:09,809
- Okay. I'll read your file.
- Yeah.
121
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:11,894
Can I finish reading
about Oskar Schindler first?
122
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:16,899
That's who I gotta follow? The list guy?
You and I are so screwed, dude.
123
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:20,194
After as many attempts as it takes,
if your human passes the test
124
00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:22,322
and proves that they deserve
to go to the Good Place,
125
00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:23,573
you'll hear this sound.
126
00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:26,117
Good Place, here I come.
127
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,994
This new system is great!
128
00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:30,538
Who do we have to thank
for effortlessly...
129
00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:31,706
implementing it?
130
00:05:31,789 --> 00:05:34,751
Whoever it is, I think we can all agree
it was a home run.
131
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:38,004
It was me. Okay. Bye, everyone.
132
00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:39,964
Sweet Hitler's hairpiece!
133
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:41,716
Is this movie finally over?
134
00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:43,551
- It's basically over. Just one little...
- [music playing]
135
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,595
♪ It's simply the test ♪
136
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,434
♪ Better than other tests ♪
137
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:55,188
- I think we just...
- Okay. So, thoughts?
138
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:58,232
Yeah. This all sounds so lame.
139
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:01,069
No, it's the current system that's lame.
140
00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:02,320
It's so basic.
141
00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:04,238
You get a human's file,
142
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,948
and let's be honest,
you never even read it.
143
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,743
You just skip
to the "fears and phobias" section
144
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:09,952
and use that to torture them.
145
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,455
Fear of snakes? Throw 'em in a snake pit.
146
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:16,042
Worried something's gonna happen
to your normal, cylindrical penis?
147
00:06:16,125 --> 00:06:16,959
Flatten it.
148
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,628
This new way allows you
149
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:22,465
to test their specific psychological flaws
and weaknesses.
150
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:24,884
And trust us, they have plenty.
151
00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:27,345
- Hey!
- Sorry. I'm in selling mode.
152
00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:30,640
Guys, this is your chance
to be part of a bold, new future.
153
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:33,726
Are you telling me
there's not one single demon
154
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:38,147
who wants to design the very first
sample test of this new system?
155
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,732
Oh, there is.
156
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:42,193
And she's a stone-cold fox.
157
00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:46,906
Vicky, what are you doing here?
158
00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:51,077
Relax. I heard about the new system.
I love it, and I wanna be a part of it.
159
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,371
Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical,
160
00:06:53,454 --> 00:06:57,083
given that you did once try to sabotage
my entire neighborhood.
161
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:58,709
Look. After you blew me into goo,
162
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,295
I had a lot of time to think
while my goo was reforming.
163
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:05,091
If things are gonna change,
then I have to change along with them.
164
00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:09,512
And sure, change can be scary,
but... I'm an artist,
165
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,849
which means, it's my job to be scared.
166
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,143
- [scoffs]
- [Michael] All right, fine, take a seat.
167
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,103
Janet'll give you Tahani's file.
168
00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:18,479
Oh, no. I don't need her file.
169
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,314
I know Tahani very well.
170
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:23,901
Self-obsessed, family issues,
way too into being tall.
171
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:25,820
[Tahani] Typical Vicky, throwing shade.
172
00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:28,614
But it doesn't matter,
'cause I'm casting it.
173
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,325
Because I'm closer to the sun.
174
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:33,369
I'm tall.
175
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:38,708
Oh, no. I knew it.
You hate me now.
176
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:41,627
What did it? That time I was subpoenaed
by the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
177
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:44,005
- No.
- Oh, I know what it was.
178
00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:47,008
In my defense, I didn't realize
he was my boyfriend's twin
179
00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:48,593
until halfway into hooking up with him,
180
00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:51,304
and at that point, you know,
it's a sunk cost.
181
00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:52,263
[Chidi] I don't hate you at all.
182
00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:54,223
I mean, you were dealt
a pretty tough hand.
183
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,225
You essentially had to raise yourself,
184
00:07:56,309 --> 00:08:00,480
but you were still more confident
and self-possessed at 13 than I ever was.
185
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:04,442
I mean, seeing your whole life
all laid out like this, it's...
186
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:06,486
It's remarkable.
187
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:09,113
Okay, so you still love me.
188
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,991
You're still horny for me,
blah, blah, blah...
189
00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:13,284
Then, what's wrong?
190
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:15,036
I'm not good enough for you!
191
00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:16,704
I mean... Look at my file.
192
00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:21,459
It is one-tenth as long as yours,
because I did nothing with my life.
193
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:24,170
Yeah, we're very different,
but we already knew that.
194
00:08:24,253 --> 00:08:25,671
- Why are you freaking out?
- [sighs]
195
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,757
You're cool, confident Chidi now,
remember?
196
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,926
I am confident about my feelings for you.
197
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:33,721
I am also confident that I am a damn drip,
198
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:36,015
and you deserve to be with someone
who's not.
199
00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:39,185
Like Nicolas, that fireman
that you dated back in 2009?
200
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:42,813
He rescued people from burning buildings,
and he was so hot!
201
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:45,942
Oh, Nicolas the fireman...
202
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:47,443
Mmm.
203
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,362
Nicolas.
204
00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:52,198
[inhales sharply]
I can't argue with you on that one, but...
205
00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:53,950
I love you.
206
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,661
There's no one else I wanna be with.
207
00:08:56,744 --> 00:08:58,287
At least, not forever.
208
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,998
I mean, if Frida Kahlo
wants to make out with me in heaven
209
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,583
then you and I
are gonna have a conversation,
210
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:07,129
but if you read my file and you're good,
then we're good.
211
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,924
Unless there's something in your file
that would freak me out,
212
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:12,134
like you kept out a library book
past the due date. [laughs]
213
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,469
What... I moved!
214
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,012
It got buried in the bottom of a box.
215
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,556
I put the library in my will
to make up for it.
216
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:17,682
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
217
00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:18,891
Relax.
218
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,268
Let's get back to work.
219
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,064
Now, when I press this lever,
220
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:29,026
Tahani will enter the scenario
that Megan has designed
221
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:31,487
that will test
her ethical decision-making.
222
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:35,199
Obviously, in the real test, the humans
won't know they're being tested,
223
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,743
but this should be a good practice run.
224
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:39,161
Everyone ready?
225
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:44,667
Hors d'oeuvre?
226
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:46,961
Why, yes. Thank you.
227
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:48,713
- [chainsaws whirring]
- Chainsaw bear!
228
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,050
Okay, so, couple of things.
229
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:56,470
We're not using chainsaw bears anymore,
remember?
230
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,848
Right. Okay. Yeah.
231
00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:01,267
- What else?
- It was mainly that one thing.
232
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:03,102
Why don't you try again?
233
00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:06,522
And remember that the challenges
your test subject faces
234
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,191
should be smaller and more relatable.
235
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:10,860
Okay.
236
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,988
Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.
237
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:15,448
Is it farm-raised salmon?
238
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:17,783
'Cause I prefer
to support sustainable fishing.
239
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:20,286
[clears throat] Mondays, am I right?
240
00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:21,245
- [chainsaws whirring]
- Chainsaw!
241
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:24,373
[Megan] You said "smaller
and more relatable."
242
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:28,127
The bear is smaller, humans hate Mondays
and love bacon.
243
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:29,462
What do you want from me?
244
00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:31,631
[Vicky] Michael, can I try?
245
00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,049
I can show them what you're trying to do.
246
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:35,468
Fine, Vicky, go ahead.
247
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:39,764
Now, first, I need to
get into Tahani's headspace.
248
00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:40,890
[in English accent] Hello, love.
249
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:43,142
Pish-posh, tuna and pickles.
250
00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:47,647
I once played billiards with
Questlove and Olivia Munn.
251
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:48,773
[in normal voice] Yeah, there she is.
252
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:50,650
Okay, just give me a second.
[clears throat]
253
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,526
Ooh. [sighs]
254
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:55,446
Just finished reading up
about James Buchanan.
255
00:10:55,946 --> 00:11:00,117
Definitely at least a little bi.
I'm gonna put him in the maybe pile.
256
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:04,038
[grunts softly]
I want nachos. Is there a snack bar here?
257
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:06,874
What's going on, dawg?
258
00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:08,376
I know you're upset. You have a tell.
259
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:09,877
- I do?
- Yeah.
260
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,129
You told Eleanor before
that you were upset,
261
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:13,381
and I think you still are.
262
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:17,551
[sighs] Looking at Eleanor's life
made me realize how different we are.
263
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:20,096
If the system works,
and we both pass our tests,
264
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:24,350
I don't see any version of eternity
where she doesn't get bored of me.
265
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:27,186
I mean, my fake heaven
was a 600 square-foot apartment
266
00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:31,273
that was essentially a bookcase
and a toilet... and I loved it.
267
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:34,318
So what? It's cool that you guys
are so different.
268
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:36,695
Sometimes, two people
who have nothing in common
269
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:39,740
get together, and it rules.
Opposites attract.
270
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:42,201
Well, you need that to be true
because you're dating Janet.
271
00:11:42,284 --> 00:11:43,411
[chuckles]
272
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:44,912
Ultimate opposites.
273
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:49,500
So, what, are you saying...
Janet might get bored of me?
274
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:51,836
No, that's not... I'm sorry.
I didn't mean...
275
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,671
Man... Oh, no.
276
00:11:53,754 --> 00:11:55,464
No, Jason. Come back, I...
277
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,050
[groans]
278
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,761
I wish I were back in my toilet library.
279
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:06,016
And places, and... action.
280
00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:12,106
Can you believe we're still having
this dinner for Kamilah?
281
00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:13,691
So embarrassing.
282
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:14,984
[Georges] She doesn't know this yet,
283
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,987
but I heard that the reviews for
her new album are going to be dreadful.
284
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:20,573
The rumor is that the label
is going to drop her.
285
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:24,493
I heard she may have to fly home coach
and "check a bag,"
286
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,786
- whatever that means.
- [both chuckle]
287
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,621
- [glass clinking]
- [Manisha] Thank you, everyone,
288
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:30,624
for coming
to celebrate our daughter Kamilah.
289
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:33,252
I know you're all very busy these days.
290
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,254
Just look at our other daughter, Tahani.
291
00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:37,006
She had to come straight from the gym.
[laughs]
292
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,468
Would anyone like to say
a few words of praise
293
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:44,472
about Kamilah's latest album,
or any other aspect of Kamilah?
294
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,724
There are so many to celebrate.
295
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,601
[Kamilah] Perhaps Tahani should speak.
296
00:12:48,684 --> 00:12:53,230
She's had her share of failures recently.
Celebrating me could be therapeutic.
297
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:56,901
Certainly. I can say something...
298
00:12:58,611 --> 00:12:59,945
but I have no idea what.
299
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,656
Goodness, this is hard.
300
00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:08,496
Well done, Vicky.
That was quite good... for the system.
301
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:10,080
For me, it was rather traumatic.
302
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,666
Okay. It's like her parents
were the chainsaw bear,
303
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:16,378
but instead of chopping off her head,
they chopped off her self-esteem?
304
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,130
Yes! Megan, good.
305
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:19,632
Take what you know about them,
306
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:22,176
and then force them
into moments of personal difficulty.
307
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:26,263
Think of it as, flattening the penises
of their heart.
308
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,682
Oh! Now it makes sense.
309
00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:32,228
Why don't you go deeper into her file
and look for other ways to challenge her?
310
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:33,437
No. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
311
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,064
Slow down. Slow down, here.
312
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,107
Vicky's example was fine.
313
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:39,193
There was some good stuff there.
314
00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:43,364
But overall... uh, C-plus.
It was a C-plus, I'd say.
315
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:44,865
There's some problems with it.
316
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:47,493
Some technical issues that only I can see
and everything,
317
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:50,162
so, basically, it actually kinda stunk.
318
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,790
So, I think it's just best
if you leave, Vicky.
319
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:54,750
This is not working. You're bad at this.
320
00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:56,502
C-plus. Okay, goodbye.
321
00:13:56,585 --> 00:14:00,047
Wow. Same old Michael,
just can't share the spotlight.
322
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:01,632
Well, goodbye, everyone.
323
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:03,384
That's a wrap on Vicky.
324
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,391
[Janet] Michael, why did you fire Vicky?
325
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:13,519
Look, I know she did well
on the first test.
326
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:16,772
But it's beginners' luck.
There's an X factor here.
327
00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:20,568
Uh, a secret sauce that only I truly know
how to...
328
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:25,281
pour over the juicy steak of this process.
329
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,616
I've never said this before, but... what?
330
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,451
[Tahani] Not only is Vicky good
at test design,
331
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,036
but she's good at teaching the others.
332
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,122
Well, that's the problem.
She's moving too fast.
333
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:35,207
We have to learn how to walk
before we can run.
334
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,960
So first you thought it would take
forever, and now it's moving too fast.
335
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,962
First of all, you know, uh, shut up.
336
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,089
And second of all, just shut up.
337
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:44,383
- [gasps]
- It's obvious what's going on here.
338
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:47,845
You don't want your nemesis
to be the one to solve your problem.
339
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:48,762
I know that feeling.
340
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,974
Once on Earth, I didn't know something,
and I had to ask Alexa.
341
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,559
I felt dirty.
342
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,812
No, that's not it.
343
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:03,444
I'm upset, because for hundreds of years,
I've had a job.
344
00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:06,822
First, it was finding a better way
to torture humans,
345
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,701
then helping them,
then proving the system was broken,
346
00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,286
then teaching the demons.
347
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:16,498
I had to roll a rock up a hill,
over and over.
348
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:19,501
And then it kept rolling down,
so I had to do it again.
349
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:22,046
And then Vicky comes along with this...
350
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:27,885
like, rock-lifter thing,
and just lifts it to the top of the hill.
351
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:30,763
Pushing the rock up the hill
gave me a purpose.
352
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:32,598
Who am I...
353
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,809
if the rock's gone?
354
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:39,521
Ironically, that's exactly
what Vin Diesel asked me
355
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:42,691
when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear
in Fast & Furious 9.
356
00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:46,111
Not helpful? Copy that.
357
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:50,240
Honestly, Michael, I don't know
what's to become of you,
358
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:51,617
or any of us.
359
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:55,329
But getting Vicky back is the best chance
to make your plan work now.
360
00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:59,249
So focus on that,
and deal with the future in the future.
361
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:02,086
Hey...
362
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:03,420
Um...
363
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:08,425
I'm sorry I said that before, man.
364
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,552
No, you were right.
365
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:14,723
Janet and I are different.
Maybe it can't last.
366
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,559
Maybe we're like
the Montagues and Capulets.
367
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:18,686
How do you know that?
368
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:22,022
I read some books, man! Jeez.
369
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,691
[sighs] All right, listen.
370
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:28,028
Maybe on paper,
you and Janet don't make total sense,
371
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:29,029
but who cares?
372
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:32,616
The relationship you have built together
is wonderful.
373
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:35,995
She knows you and loves you,
and that's all that matters.
374
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:38,998
- Do you really believe that?
- Of course I do.
375
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,291
[laughs] Sucker!
376
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:45,004
- Sorry?
- I got you so bad.
377
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:48,924
Dude, pretend what you just said
was what you said to you instead of to me.
378
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,801
And you have to listen to yourself,
379
00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:53,637
because it was already in your own head,
and then came out.
380
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:55,431
But just put it back in your head,
381
00:16:55,514 --> 00:17:00,227
and realize that it was you
talking about you and Eleanor.
382
00:17:00,978 --> 00:17:07,026
Against all odds, I know what you mean,
and I gotta give it up. That was...
383
00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:09,570
- That was good.
- Yeah, it was.
384
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:11,488
Chess-mate.
385
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:15,576
[laughing]
386
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:17,995
Hey!
387
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:19,455
There she is.
388
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:23,834
- Where are you off to?
- I have an ice-cold yoga class.
389
00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:26,587
- It's amazing. You pull so many muscles.
- Yeah.
390
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:28,172
What do you want?
391
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,298
[sighs]
392
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:31,508
I'm sorry that I kicked you out.
393
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:33,218
It wasn't about you.
394
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:36,138
It was just my own insecurities
getting in the way.
395
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:38,390
Will you please come back?
396
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,267
No.
397
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:43,062
I'm not gonna let myself
be degraded by you again.
398
00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:45,939
I am a strong, independent acid snake
399
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,776
in the skinsuit
of a strong, independent woman.
400
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:49,818
Listen, listen, listen.
Uh...
401
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,448
You were the best part
of my original neighborhood.
402
00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,992
I took you for granted,
and that was wrong.
403
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:00,829
But now, I want to give you
the role of a lifetime.
404
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:04,416
You're going to run the whole project.
405
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,002
I'll give you all my plans and my notes,
406
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,713
but then I'll step back
and you'll take over.
407
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:12,132
Full creative control...
408
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:13,759
like a director.
409
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,220
- What do you say?
- Well, um...
410
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:18,055
It sounds great.
411
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:19,264
But it won't work.
412
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,183
Everyone here hates you so much,
413
00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:23,936
if you just put me in control,
they'll think I'm your puppet.
414
00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:26,271
I can't have any of your
dingleberry stank on me.
415
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:29,858
I know.
That's why I'm not giving it to you.
416
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:32,111
You're going to take it.
417
00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:34,738
[Chidi] Hey.
418
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:41,537
So, uh, I was being stupid,
and Jason gave me some really good advice.
419
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,871
[chuckles] Classic us.
420
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:48,710
Look, who we were on Earth
is a tiny part of who we are,
421
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,630
and an even smaller part
of who we are together.
422
00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:53,882
So, I'm sorry for freaking out.
423
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,510
But also,
someday, when we get to the Good Place,
424
00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:59,388
I'm gonna learn to play the guitar
so you don't get bored of me.
425
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:01,515
I actually prefer drummers.
426
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:03,684
Read my file.
427
00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:07,354
Sorry for the delay.
428
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:09,731
Now, for this next phase of the training...
429
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:13,026
- Stop right there.
- Vicky? I thought I got rid of you.
430
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:16,113
And now you're coming
through the door unexpectedly?
431
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:18,448
That's right. I'm launching a coup.
432
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:22,077
My, my, my, we've got some history,
don't we?
433
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,538
But I'm still standing, Mikey-boy.
434
00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:26,915
And right now, I'm taking over.
435
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,960
Explain what you mean,
for me and everyone else.
436
00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:32,254
Oh, this is my training now. You're done.
437
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,882
And all of these demons are behind me,
right, guys?
438
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:38,927
- [demons agreeing]
- All right, Vicky. You win... this time.
439
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,679
- Tahani, Janet, let's go.
- [Janet] Huh.
440
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:43,515
Well, no, but wait...
Wait, we're still fighting.
441
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:47,269
And it's so heated
that, um, it might just erupt into...
442
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,355
the dance battle from West Side Story?
443
00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:53,233
No, I'm too upset about the coup thing.
444
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:56,111
Hurry up. Before she starts singing.
445
00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:00,741
[Vicky] Welcome! Welcome, everyone!
Come on in.
446
00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:04,453
Good Place architects to my left,
Bad Place architects to my right.
447
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:09,333
Get your files and orientation packets.
Classes begin in 30 minutes.
448
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:16,465
Oh, also, my Movement
for Lava Monsters class is now full.
449
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:18,383
Aw, man!
450
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:22,721
You got the rock up the hill,
and it looks like it's gonna stay there.
451
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:24,932
Now, we just have to find your next rock.
452
00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:28,393
Well, the first bunch of neighborhoods
is up and running.
453
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:30,145
What now?
454
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:32,814
That's the sound
when someone gets into the Good Place.
455
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,234
Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince.
456
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:36,818
Honestly, if it wasn't Prince,
457
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,445
this whole thing is screwed up
and we gotta start over.
458
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,573
No. It's you guys.
459
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:43,617
For real?
460
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:47,287
The Judge agreed that the four of you
don't need to take the test.
461
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:50,749
Turns out that saving every soul
in the universe
462
00:20:50,832 --> 00:20:52,417
is worth a few points.
463
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:55,671
- You're in.
- [all laughing and cheering]
464
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:05,305
No, I know. I know. It's real this time.
465
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:06,223
I promise.
466
00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:09,142
Get in.
467
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:10,978
Are you coming, too?
468
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:12,813
Yeah. I figured I would.
469
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:16,984
Recently unemployed. Might as well
do some traveling. [chuckles]
470
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:17,901
Shall we?
471
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,657
- [Eleanor sighs]
- [Chidi] Whoa!
472
00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:30,205
[Jason] Foles!