1 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:09,457 Coming up on this season of The DieCathlon... 2 00:00:09,458 --> 00:00:11,796 Brought to you by Ultramax, 3 00:00:11,797 --> 00:00:15,344 the bulk-free blood diaper you never have to remove. 4 00:00:15,345 --> 00:00:18,183 She's a stone-cold killer who buries her emotions, 5 00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:21,147 while keeping the body count sky high. 6 00:00:21,148 --> 00:00:23,611 Forged in the damp fire of hell's sewer, 7 00:00:23,612 --> 00:00:26,366 she survived, only to have the very nature 8 00:00:26,367 --> 00:00:28,245 of her own existence questioned 9 00:00:28,246 --> 00:00:31,919 over and over and over again. 10 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,134 But this tiger burns bright with survival instinct 11 00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:36,929 and a little help from her friends. 12 00:00:36,930 --> 00:00:39,142 Metal spoke sharpener! 13 00:00:39,143 --> 00:00:41,522 He's a demolitions expert-cum-fashion icon- 14 00:00:41,523 --> 00:00:43,442 cum-celebrity chef-cum-politician, 15 00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,195 prince, poet, and thief. 16 00:00:45,196 --> 00:00:47,534 He doesn't just survive, he thrives, 17 00:00:47,535 --> 00:00:49,037 with little time for remorse, 18 00:00:49,038 --> 00:00:50,624 and even less time for the losers 19 00:00:50,625 --> 00:00:52,251 who simply don't get it, 20 00:00:52,252 --> 00:00:54,882 which is everyone not named him. 21 00:00:54,883 --> 00:00:58,639 This wolf is at your door blowing your mind and your house down, 22 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,935 and you're somehow thanking him for it. 23 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,524 He was masturbating one night and was mistaken 24 00:01:03,525 --> 00:01:06,071 for someone he wasn't: a hero. 25 00:01:06,072 --> 00:01:08,492 But that didn't stop him from becoming one... 26 00:01:08,493 --> 00:01:10,204 or so he thought! 27 00:01:10,205 --> 00:01:12,751 Visited by two super soldiers from the future 28 00:01:12,752 --> 00:01:16,132 and dragged along for the time-traveling joyride of a lifetime, 29 00:01:16,133 --> 00:01:19,598 he should be dead, an footnote in a mistake file 30 00:01:19,599 --> 00:01:22,688 labeled, "Are you fucking kidding me? This asshole?" 31 00:01:22,689 --> 00:01:25,652 Yet, somehow, Josh is still kicking. 32 00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:27,446 Yeah, you heard right. 33 00:01:27,447 --> 00:01:30,285 Where he comes from, Josh is a man's name. 34 00:01:30,286 --> 00:01:32,749 Now, these three renegades have been appropriated by the network, 35 00:01:32,750 --> 00:01:34,419 convicted of time crimes, 36 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:37,007 and sentenced to death by entertainment. 37 00:01:37,008 --> 00:01:38,845 They're gonna be running for their lives, 38 00:01:38,846 --> 00:01:41,684 hunted by creatures both real and mythological, 39 00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:46,359 tested in ways the human body and mind simply wasn't designed to endure, 40 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,656 but this trio's got something special, 41 00:01:48,657 --> 00:01:51,077 and with a little luck, you're gonna see it splattered 42 00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,290 all over your Opti-Scope. 43 00:01:53,291 --> 00:01:55,085 I am Susan Saint Jackalope, 44 00:01:55,086 --> 00:01:57,925 and this is the centennial season of... 45 00:01:59,470 --> 00:02:01,558 The DieCathlon! 46 00:02:03,269 --> 00:02:06,692 I've gotta say, I've got a really good feeling 47 00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:08,988 about this upcoming season. 48 00:02:08,989 --> 00:02:11,242 Really, I think there's something special about these three. 49 00:02:11,243 --> 00:02:14,958 Well, hon, you've been unlucky the last few cycles. 50 00:02:14,959 --> 00:02:16,461 You were due some quality contestants. 51 00:02:16,462 --> 00:02:18,256 I know, and the network, 52 00:02:18,257 --> 00:02:20,427 as soon as they feel like maybe things aren't working 53 00:02:20,428 --> 00:02:21,847 as well as they used to, 54 00:02:21,848 --> 00:02:23,559 they get panicked and they get ruthless. 55 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,145 Think of everything that you've been through. 56 00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:27,943 The ratings slide, the coup d'état, 57 00:02:27,944 --> 00:02:29,696 the mass prisoner suicides. 58 00:02:29,697 --> 00:02:32,243 Oh, and that Galaxus 9 core meltdown, 59 00:02:32,244 --> 00:02:36,459 and somehow, somehow, you're still standing. 60 00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:37,797 It's because you're strong. 61 00:02:39,216 --> 00:02:40,384 I don't deserve you. 62 00:02:40,385 --> 00:02:43,057 Oh, of course you do. 63 00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:01,302 All you have to do is turn me on. 64 00:03:04,474 --> 00:03:07,523 Ooh, 97% charged, I see. 65 00:03:15,038 --> 00:03:16,497 Yeah. 66 00:03:16,498 --> 00:03:17,834 Oh, saucy. 67 00:03:17,835 --> 00:03:19,295 - Get ready. - Okay. 68 00:03:19,296 --> 00:03:21,008 I'm ready. 69 00:03:25,851 --> 00:03:28,939 You know, if they cancel the show, 70 00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:30,526 things will change around here. 71 00:03:30,527 --> 00:03:32,029 We don't have to talk about that right now. 72 00:03:32,030 --> 00:03:33,866 The network will take me and Stanley away. 73 00:03:33,867 --> 00:03:35,745 Our hard drives will be wiped. 74 00:03:35,746 --> 00:03:37,498 We'll be allocated to a new executive, 75 00:03:37,499 --> 00:03:39,795 one more worthy of the G7300 class. 76 00:03:39,796 --> 00:03:41,339 That's not gonna happen. 77 00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:43,385 Well, how do you know, you stupid piece of shit? 78 00:03:43,386 --> 00:03:45,472 You took the planet's most popular show 79 00:03:45,473 --> 00:03:48,311 and you made it boring and predictable, 80 00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:51,944 just like the sex we're about to have. 81 00:03:51,945 --> 00:03:53,279 What are you doing right now? 82 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,117 Now, bend over, so I can do to you 83 00:03:55,118 --> 00:03:56,912 what you've been doing to your sponsors. 84 00:03:56,913 --> 00:03:59,751 I am gonna get something big and hard and cold. 85 00:03:59,752 --> 00:04:03,134 I am gonna hit you until your ass is so red that... 86 00:04:04,386 --> 00:04:06,598 Oh, God, hold me. I'm so scared. 87 00:04:06,599 --> 00:04:07,976 Oh, it's scary, but I'll hold you. 88 00:04:07,977 --> 00:04:10,899 Oh, God. 89 00:04:16,368 --> 00:04:17,746 Oh, no. 90 00:04:17,747 --> 00:04:19,583 I forgot to put her into sleep mode. 91 00:04:19,584 --> 00:04:21,419 Hi, honey. 92 00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:23,674 That's how babies used to be made. 93 00:04:23,675 --> 00:04:26,013 Time to dream of electric sleep, Stanley. 94 00:04:36,325 --> 00:04:37,995 Sweet dreams, Stanley. 95 00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:42,128 All right. 96 00:04:44,424 --> 00:04:46,178 - Where were we? - ¶ Y'all ready for this? ¶ 97 00:04:55,029 --> 00:04:56,782 Sweet tune. 98 00:04:56,783 --> 00:04:58,702 I knew this would stand the test of time. 99 00:04:58,703 --> 00:05:01,750 - You thinking Pelican's Folly? - No, it's too risky. 100 00:05:01,751 --> 00:05:05,758 Those bionic pumas would sniff us out before we could hide enough rocks in our mouths. 101 00:05:05,759 --> 00:05:07,595 - Hyena's Whisper. - Yes. 102 00:05:07,596 --> 00:05:09,641 Especially in an arena this size. 103 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,520 They'll never see it coming, 104 00:05:11,521 --> 00:05:13,983 and it might buy us just enough time to pull a classic. 105 00:05:13,984 --> 00:05:15,653 Lobster's Bluff. 106 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,034 What the fuck are you guys talking about? 107 00:05:19,035 --> 00:05:20,913 We are about to die out there! 108 00:05:20,914 --> 00:05:23,084 Do you know how many times we've turned a death sentence 109 00:05:23,085 --> 00:05:24,754 into a life paragraph? 110 00:05:24,755 --> 00:05:26,257 This isn't anything we haven't seen before. 111 00:05:26,258 --> 00:05:28,136 You know what? 112 00:05:28,137 --> 00:05:30,725 Maybe we deserve this. 113 00:05:30,726 --> 00:05:33,772 Maybe this is justice. I mean, we fucked up the universe. 114 00:05:33,773 --> 00:05:36,612 I mean, the whole universe. 115 00:05:36,613 --> 00:05:39,325 That's what you get when you think you're a savior. 116 00:05:39,326 --> 00:05:41,454 I thought I was special, and because of that, 117 00:05:41,455 --> 00:05:43,584 we cause the death of millions of people. 118 00:05:43,585 --> 00:05:45,671 Mm, wasn't it billions? 119 00:05:45,672 --> 00:05:47,424 Right, billions. 120 00:05:47,425 --> 00:05:49,261 Thank you, Tiger. 121 00:05:49,262 --> 00:05:51,558 And this is payback. 122 00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:53,186 I don't know why you guys are fighting it. 123 00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,731 Because we fight. 124 00:05:54,732 --> 00:05:56,693 And, yes, we probably are gonna die out there, 125 00:05:56,694 --> 00:05:58,279 but what do you want us to do, give up? 126 00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,701 That'd be the worst episode ever. 127 00:06:00,702 --> 00:06:02,997 Yeah, Wolf's right, if we die, we die. 128 00:06:02,998 --> 00:06:05,670 I mean, this isn't about saving the world anymore. There's no mission. 129 00:06:05,671 --> 00:06:07,256 This is about survival, 130 00:06:07,257 --> 00:06:09,260 something we are pretty damn good at. 131 00:06:09,261 --> 00:06:13,101 Yeah, and we've already passed the ultimate test as a team. 132 00:06:13,102 --> 00:06:14,854 We could have offed each other back there. 133 00:06:14,855 --> 00:06:17,401 But as tempting as that was, we didn't, 134 00:06:17,402 --> 00:06:19,864 and now those pencil-neck future fucks 135 00:06:19,865 --> 00:06:21,660 are never gonna know what hit them. 136 00:06:21,661 --> 00:06:24,039 Plus, with Lobster's Bluff, 137 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,712 we just might have a pincher's chance. 138 00:06:26,713 --> 00:06:28,382 - That was clever. - Thank you. 139 00:06:31,388 --> 00:06:33,642 All right. 140 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,815 If our last stand's gonna be in the Death Arena, 141 00:06:36,816 --> 00:06:38,777 let's give them a hell of a show. 142 00:06:38,778 --> 00:06:40,948 - Who's ready for... - First blood! 143 00:06:40,949 --> 00:06:42,869 First blood! First blood! 144 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:46,375 Here they are, ready to die! 145 00:06:46,376 --> 00:06:48,673 We got this. 146 00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:08,461 The true measure of bravery 147 00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:10,340 isn't the absence of fear. 148 00:07:10,341 --> 00:07:12,929 It is the overcoming of it. 149 00:07:20,695 --> 00:07:22,532 Oh, no, not goo again! 150 00:07:22,533 --> 00:07:24,159 No! That's sour! 151 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,245 It's sour! 152 00:07:25,246 --> 00:07:26,748 Do not despair, 153 00:07:26,749 --> 00:07:29,086 for you are not alone, my friend. 154 00:07:29,087 --> 00:07:31,883 Who's that? You will triumph because you are truly special. 155 00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:32,885 No, no, no, no, no! 156 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:33,887 Get out of my head. 157 00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:34,973 Get out of my head! 158 00:07:34,974 --> 00:07:36,560 Go away! I'm not special. 159 00:07:36,561 --> 00:07:40,441 I'm a no one. I'm just a guy gagging on goo! 160 00:07:40,442 --> 00:07:43,114 No, no, you are so much more than that. 161 00:07:43,115 --> 00:07:45,744 You are a savior. 162 00:07:45,745 --> 00:07:46,788 - - No! - Yes. 163 00:07:46,789 --> 00:07:48,416 Yes, you are, 164 00:07:48,417 --> 00:07:50,086 and because of that, 165 00:07:50,087 --> 00:07:52,884 - I will help you escape. - Boom shaka-laka! 166 00:07:52,885 --> 00:07:55,639 And that is how you kill a unicorn. 167 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,267 You just rip its magic little horn 168 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:59,647 off its stupid little horse head 169 00:07:59,648 --> 00:08:02,820 and then you just watch it... it bleed rainbows, 170 00:08:02,821 --> 00:08:03,906 and you just laugh. 171 00:08:03,907 --> 00:08:05,450 Look. 172 00:08:05,451 --> 00:08:07,329 Hey, you know what that is? 173 00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:09,041 It's a kraken ball! 174 00:08:09,042 --> 00:08:10,711 Yeah, they only have one, singular. 175 00:08:10,712 --> 00:08:12,798 When I took that from him, he, uh... 176 00:08:12,799 --> 00:08:14,468 he basically lost the will to live. 177 00:08:14,469 --> 00:08:16,723 Every creature has a weakness, Josh. 178 00:08:16,724 --> 00:08:18,434 It's usually the dick zone. Oh, so that's it. You guys won. 179 00:08:18,435 --> 00:08:20,438 It's over. 180 00:08:20,439 --> 00:08:22,150 I don't know what the record is for fastest victory, 181 00:08:22,151 --> 00:08:24,071 but, uh, looking at the score keeper's poor face, 182 00:08:24,072 --> 00:08:26,158 I'd say we pretty much shattered it. 183 00:08:26,159 --> 00:08:28,789 Yeah, and his face, which, that was unnecessary, 184 00:08:28,790 --> 00:08:30,584 but once the adrenaline starts pumping, 185 00:08:30,585 --> 00:08:32,755 I am not distinguishing between participant and official. 186 00:08:32,756 --> 00:08:34,592 It's all just, ah! 187 00:08:34,593 --> 00:08:37,264 Oh, you displayed a shocking brutality in there. 188 00:08:37,265 --> 00:08:38,642 Stop it, I was... I was locked in. 189 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:39,644 I don't know what you want me to say. 190 00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:41,146 I saw that. 191 00:08:41,147 --> 00:08:42,232 Yeah, I'm really sad that I missed it. 192 00:08:42,233 --> 00:08:43,652 I wish I would have seen it. 193 00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,113 I'm fine, by the way, so thank you, 194 00:08:45,114 --> 00:08:46,115 you know, for asking. 195 00:08:46,116 --> 00:08:47,618 Um, question, though. 196 00:08:47,619 --> 00:08:50,331 Did they put, like, a... a little, like, 197 00:08:50,332 --> 00:08:53,547 voice in your head that just zeroes in on all your weaknesses, or... 198 00:08:53,548 --> 00:08:56,010 How much of that, uh, that goo have you swallowed? 199 00:08:56,011 --> 00:08:57,847 Never mind. Uh, never mind. I'm fine. 200 00:08:57,848 --> 00:08:59,642 I was just making sure that all three of us 201 00:08:59,643 --> 00:09:00,978 didn't have a voice in our heads. 202 00:09:00,979 --> 00:09:02,439 I got a voice in my head, 203 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,067 and that voice is screaming, 204 00:09:04,068 --> 00:09:05,486 "Choo-choo-choo ching-ching," 205 00:09:05,487 --> 00:09:07,783 which is how cash registers sound now. 206 00:09:07,784 --> 00:09:11,750 You guys were spectacular. Phenomenal. 207 00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:15,381 What a show. Not you. You did jack shit, sir. 208 00:09:15,382 --> 00:09:17,010 So what do we get for winning? 209 00:09:17,011 --> 00:09:23,523 You guys get an all-expense-paid luxury trip 210 00:09:23,524 --> 00:09:26,070 back to The DieCathlon! 211 00:09:26,071 --> 00:09:27,657 You go back in. You're going back. 212 00:09:27,658 --> 00:09:29,201 That was level one of many. 213 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,788 That's great news. 214 00:09:30,789 --> 00:09:32,207 We were hoping you'd have more to throw at us 215 00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:33,627 than some rinky-dink show pony 216 00:09:33,628 --> 00:09:35,631 and a fat goldfish with one ball. 217 00:09:35,632 --> 00:09:38,010 Yeah, getting out of a long-promised threesome 218 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,597 with Vince Neil and Tawny Kitaen 219 00:09:39,598 --> 00:09:41,726 was much harder than this bullshit excuse 220 00:09:41,727 --> 00:09:43,354 for The Running Man, which, by the way, 221 00:09:43,355 --> 00:09:45,191 I did an uncredited rewrite on. 222 00:09:45,192 --> 00:09:47,530 The first draft was a disaster with a capital D. 223 00:09:47,531 --> 00:09:50,159 It made no sense. Really, this whole thing was... 224 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:53,082 - You're healing nicely. - My whole body is numb! 225 00:09:53,083 --> 00:09:55,461 That means the goo is doing what the goo is supposed to do. 226 00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,132 This goo is incredible goo. 227 00:09:57,133 --> 00:09:58,844 - It's our best goo yet. - Oh. 228 00:09:58,845 --> 00:10:01,014 Too much of the goo, you get cancer. 229 00:10:01,015 --> 00:10:03,562 Too little of the goo, you get cancer. 230 00:10:03,563 --> 00:10:07,695 The exact right amount of goo will heal almost anything 231 00:10:07,696 --> 00:10:10,534 except goo-related cancers. 232 00:10:10,535 --> 00:10:12,162 Medicine. 233 00:10:12,163 --> 00:10:14,040 Come on. Anyway, you guys rest up. 234 00:10:14,041 --> 00:10:17,338 You've got a big day tomorrow. You're fighting dinosaurs. 235 00:10:17,339 --> 00:10:18,842 Roar. 236 00:10:18,843 --> 00:10:21,388 Wait. 237 00:10:21,389 --> 00:10:24,730 - What if I swallow too much? - Ah, you'll be fine. 238 00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:33,163 Gah. 239 00:10:37,213 --> 00:10:39,634 - Hey! - Oh! God. 240 00:10:39,635 --> 00:10:40,886 How's the shoulder, kid? 241 00:10:40,887 --> 00:10:42,138 It feels like being stabbed 242 00:10:42,139 --> 00:10:44,519 by a million tiny little knives. 243 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,525 It's actually being stabbed by 2.5 billion little knives. 244 00:10:47,526 --> 00:10:50,404 Those are nanobots, and they are repairing the tear in your soft tissue. 245 00:10:50,405 --> 00:10:52,034 Where do they go when they're done? 246 00:10:53,704 --> 00:10:54,997 Whatever. 247 00:10:54,998 --> 00:10:56,543 Look, what am I gonna do tomorrow 248 00:10:56,544 --> 00:10:58,462 when Tiger and Wolf go back into the game? 249 00:10:58,463 --> 00:11:00,299 - You're gonna go back too. - What? Hell, no, I'm not! 250 00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:01,803 I-I-I can barely move my shoulder! 251 00:11:01,804 --> 00:11:03,430 I got shot with a giant "Avatar" arrow! 252 00:11:03,431 --> 00:11:05,434 You'll be fine by tomorrow. 253 00:11:05,435 --> 00:11:07,272 The network does not skimp when it comes to keeping alive 254 00:11:07,273 --> 00:11:08,733 the people that they plan on eventually killing. 255 00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:10,696 Look at you. 256 00:11:10,697 --> 00:11:12,616 You already have the strength of a nine-year-old. 257 00:11:12,617 --> 00:11:14,160 Before you know it, 258 00:11:14,161 --> 00:11:15,622 you'll have the strength of a preteen. 259 00:11:15,623 --> 00:11:17,585 Then a tween. Then a teenager. 260 00:11:17,586 --> 00:11:18,795 Then a little man. 261 00:11:18,796 --> 00:11:20,550 Thanks, Susan. 262 00:11:31,487 --> 00:11:34,201 Okay, this might get a little old. 263 00:11:38,669 --> 00:11:40,212 Sweet tune. 264 00:11:40,213 --> 00:11:41,841 Knew this would stand the test of time. 265 00:11:41,842 --> 00:11:43,010 What do you think of Pelican's Folly? 266 00:11:43,011 --> 00:11:44,429 No, it's too risky. 267 00:11:44,430 --> 00:11:46,099 Those bionic pumas would sniff us out 268 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,770 before we could hide enough rocks in our mouths. 269 00:11:47,771 --> 00:11:49,565 - Hyena's Whisper? - Yes. 270 00:11:49,566 --> 00:11:51,026 Especially in an arena this size. 271 00:11:51,027 --> 00:11:52,320 They'll never see it coming, 272 00:11:52,321 --> 00:11:54,115 and it might buy us just enough time 273 00:11:54,116 --> 00:11:55,577 to pull a classic. 274 00:11:55,578 --> 00:11:57,414 Lobster's Bluff. 275 00:11:59,670 --> 00:12:01,714 What are you guys doing? 276 00:12:01,715 --> 00:12:03,551 What? 277 00:12:03,552 --> 00:12:05,847 Why are you saying the same things you said yesterday? 278 00:12:05,848 --> 00:12:07,475 Is it like a... like a warrior thing? 279 00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,772 Like, you have to repeat what worked or what? 280 00:12:09,773 --> 00:12:11,651 - What are you talking about? - Stop fucking with me! 281 00:12:11,652 --> 00:12:13,070 We need to come up with a plan to protect me out there. 282 00:12:13,071 --> 00:12:14,322 You understand? 283 00:12:14,323 --> 00:12:15,324 You guys are far better equipped 284 00:12:15,325 --> 00:12:16,326 to handle this than I am. 285 00:12:16,327 --> 00:12:17,538 What can I expect? 286 00:12:17,539 --> 00:12:18,790 How the hell should we know? 287 00:12:18,791 --> 00:12:19,917 It's the first time for us too. 288 00:12:19,918 --> 00:12:21,294 This guy. 289 00:12:21,295 --> 00:12:23,132 No, it isn't! 290 00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:25,261 Who's ready for some... 291 00:12:25,262 --> 00:12:27,558 First blood! First blood! 292 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:29,352 You guys, this is really mean! Please! 293 00:12:29,353 --> 00:12:31,900 Here they are, ready to die! 294 00:12:42,087 --> 00:12:43,089 Oh, come on! 295 00:12:48,994 --> 00:12:52,983 Survival is equal parts endurance and adaptation. 296 00:12:52,984 --> 00:12:54,277 Shut up, shut up, shut up. 297 00:12:54,278 --> 00:12:55,864 You will not survive this game. 298 00:12:55,865 --> 00:12:57,743 No one does. 299 00:12:57,744 --> 00:13:00,081 Eventually, something sharp will pierce something 300 00:13:00,082 --> 00:13:01,876 that cannot be healed by tiny robots. 301 00:13:01,877 --> 00:13:03,588 How... how do you know? 302 00:13:03,589 --> 00:13:06,134 I know a great many things, Josh. 303 00:13:06,135 --> 00:13:08,305 How do you... how do you know who I am? 304 00:13:08,306 --> 00:13:11,186 Do you... do you know everyone? 305 00:13:11,187 --> 00:13:12,815 Are you Go... 306 00:13:12,816 --> 00:13:14,902 Oh, no, no, no. 307 00:13:14,903 --> 00:13:16,697 Maybe... maybe you're not. 308 00:13:16,698 --> 00:13:19,119 Maybe... maybe I'm just finally losing my mind 309 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,539 and I'm having this conversation with myself 310 00:13:20,540 --> 00:13:21,999 like in "Fight Club." 311 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,503 I don't get that reference. 312 00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:25,005 Okay, you know what? That's it. 313 00:13:25,006 --> 00:13:26,801 I'm ignoring you. You're not real. 314 00:13:26,802 --> 00:13:28,387 Really? 315 00:13:28,388 --> 00:13:30,307 Humming, Josh? 316 00:13:30,308 --> 00:13:32,855 Don't be that way. Listen. 317 00:13:32,856 --> 00:13:35,569 I am here to help you escape through the elevator, 318 00:13:35,570 --> 00:13:37,990 where there are no cameras. 319 00:13:37,991 --> 00:13:39,785 What, escape? Really, to where? 320 00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,747 3491? Some other time? 321 00:13:41,748 --> 00:13:43,918 Anywhere that I can go I've either already ruined 322 00:13:43,919 --> 00:13:45,630 or I'm gonna be killed instantly by people 323 00:13:45,631 --> 00:13:47,593 who are better equipped to live than me. 324 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,680 I know a place where you will be safe. 325 00:13:49,681 --> 00:13:53,021 It's a place you once called home. 326 00:13:55,233 --> 00:13:58,656 I trust from your silence you are intrigued. 327 00:13:58,657 --> 00:14:00,242 Yeah, of course I'm intrigued. 328 00:14:00,243 --> 00:14:02,038 I'm talking to myself so I'm gonna tell myself 329 00:14:02,039 --> 00:14:04,000 - whatever I want to hear. - You are a skeptic. 330 00:14:04,001 --> 00:14:06,004 To prove to you that I can help, 331 00:14:06,005 --> 00:14:09,595 I will now perform a small miracle. Is that okay? 332 00:14:09,596 --> 00:14:11,766 Can I perform a small miracle for you? 333 00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:13,393 Sure, man. I'm not going anywhere. 334 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:14,813 You are in the goo, no? 335 00:14:14,814 --> 00:14:16,399 Yeah, you know I'm in the goo. 336 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,236 I'm wearing a metal diaper in a thing of goo. 337 00:14:18,237 --> 00:14:20,324 Okay, listen to me, Josh. 338 00:14:20,325 --> 00:14:22,537 You don't want to be swallowing any more of this goo. 339 00:14:22,538 --> 00:14:24,207 The nanobots, they react poorly with your gut flora. 340 00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,086 They go to war. 341 00:14:26,087 --> 00:14:27,798 The next thing you know, you are allergic to chickpeas. 342 00:14:27,799 --> 00:14:29,510 Oh, man. I love chickpeas. 343 00:14:29,511 --> 00:14:31,514 I know, me too. Reach down. 344 00:14:31,515 --> 00:14:33,392 You will find a small rubberized knob 345 00:14:33,393 --> 00:14:34,895 behind your hip just to the left. 346 00:14:34,896 --> 00:14:36,691 - Feel it? - Yeah. 347 00:14:36,692 --> 00:14:38,403 Press the center of it, hard. 348 00:14:42,996 --> 00:14:44,163 Oh, God! 349 00:14:44,164 --> 00:14:45,667 Oh, that's so much better. 350 00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:47,504 That is my small miracle, 351 00:14:47,505 --> 00:14:49,215 just for you, my friend. 352 00:14:49,216 --> 00:14:52,514 Uh, yeah, if I meet a rhyming riddle worm, 353 00:14:52,515 --> 00:14:54,142 I'm gonna decapitate it. 354 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,770 But I think that animatronic Clue Worm 355 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,189 was trying to help us. 356 00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:58,943 Well, speak in prose, then, buddy. 357 00:14:58,944 --> 00:15:01,072 Let me guess. You guys won. 358 00:15:01,073 --> 00:15:03,035 I don't know what the record is for fastest victory, 359 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:05,456 but from the look on that poor scorekeeper's face, 360 00:15:05,457 --> 00:15:07,627 I'd say we shattered it. 361 00:15:07,628 --> 00:15:09,422 And his face, right? 362 00:15:09,423 --> 00:15:11,342 - How'd you know that? - Just a guess. 363 00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:12,929 What, do you got a live feed in here? 364 00:15:12,930 --> 00:15:15,059 Are they using any close-ups? 365 00:15:15,060 --> 00:15:16,562 'Cause I feel like they're shooting everything in a wide, 366 00:15:16,563 --> 00:15:20,402 and, well, the drama's right here. 367 00:15:20,403 --> 00:15:23,743 Guys, this is gonna be hard to comprehend, 368 00:15:23,744 --> 00:15:27,667 but all of this already happened yesterday. 369 00:15:27,668 --> 00:15:29,797 All right, th-they must've wiped your memories 370 00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,466 or something so you have no recollection 371 00:15:31,467 --> 00:15:33,386 - of playing the game. - Bullshit. 372 00:15:33,387 --> 00:15:35,892 I would remember if they wiped my memory. 373 00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,854 - - Yeah, me too. - No, you wouldn't. 374 00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:39,733 That's not how memory wiping works. 375 00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:41,904 You come from a time where memory wiping's a thing? 376 00:15:41,905 --> 00:15:43,658 'Cause we do. 377 00:15:43,659 --> 00:15:45,829 I'm telling you we are gonna keep playing this game 378 00:15:45,830 --> 00:15:48,375 again and again with slight variations until we're dead. 379 00:15:48,376 --> 00:15:50,045 Okay, even if that were true, which it isn't, 380 00:15:50,046 --> 00:15:51,674 I can think of worse ways to go. 381 00:15:51,675 --> 00:15:53,594 - - Y-you have to believe me! - No, sorry. 382 00:15:53,595 --> 00:15:55,598 My radar is finely tuned to repetition. 383 00:15:55,599 --> 00:15:58,270 Even back at the restaurant when everyone was clamoring 384 00:15:58,271 --> 00:15:59,690 for Wolfheart staples, 385 00:15:59,691 --> 00:16:02,486 I changed the menu every goddamn day. 386 00:16:02,487 --> 00:16:04,282 Now, that's a terrible business model, 387 00:16:04,283 --> 00:16:07,246 but, well, a true artist never repeats himself. 388 00:16:07,247 --> 00:16:09,333 What you're describing, well, that sounds like hell. 389 00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:11,254 Josh, these people are awful. 390 00:16:11,255 --> 00:16:12,757 You don't need them. 391 00:16:12,758 --> 00:16:15,012 I can lead you home. Follow me. 392 00:16:15,013 --> 00:16:16,849 I can't... I can't just abandon them, okay? 393 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,393 We're gonna go back to the Victor's Lounge. 394 00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:21,149 Yeah, sorry. Victors only. 395 00:16:21,150 --> 00:16:23,529 Good-bye, Josh. 396 00:16:23,530 --> 00:16:25,992 Guys, come on! Don't just... 397 00:16:25,993 --> 00:16:28,413 See how quickly they leave you behind? 398 00:16:28,414 --> 00:16:30,167 You must do the same. 399 00:16:30,168 --> 00:16:32,421 That... that's just like our... our dynamic, okay? 400 00:16:32,422 --> 00:16:33,883 It's... it's fun. 401 00:16:33,884 --> 00:16:35,385 If we're gonna do this, 402 00:16:35,386 --> 00:16:36,805 we're gonna do things my way, all right? 403 00:16:36,806 --> 00:16:39,520 Just tell me what I need to know. 404 00:16:44,321 --> 00:16:46,115 Guys, listen. We have to get out of here, 405 00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:47,493 and the only way is through this elevator. 406 00:16:47,494 --> 00:16:49,372 Otherwise, we're dead, eventually. 407 00:16:49,373 --> 00:16:50,917 What are you talking about? What is he talking about? 408 00:16:50,918 --> 00:16:53,130 No idea. Sounds boring. 409 00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,853 ¶ Y'all ready for this ¶ 410 00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,649 And this is the only safe place that we can talk. 411 00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:04,402 Okay, this is, like, a really old elevator, 412 00:17:04,403 --> 00:17:06,615 and it passes through, like, a magnetic rock section, 413 00:17:06,616 --> 00:17:08,285 and then the cameras get jammed. 414 00:17:08,286 --> 00:17:10,248 Guys, wait for me! 415 00:17:12,545 --> 00:17:13,672 Baseball? 416 00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:21,521 I just want to sleep! 417 00:17:23,608 --> 00:17:26,404 I am telling you, you memories have been wiped. 418 00:17:26,405 --> 00:17:27,616 You have to believe me, please! 419 00:17:29,161 --> 00:17:31,540 Please turn it down! No! 420 00:17:31,541 --> 00:17:34,004 ¶ Y'all ready for this? ¶ 421 00:17:43,649 --> 00:17:44,941 Don't you guys think it's a little weird that I know 422 00:17:44,942 --> 00:17:46,486 everything you're about to say? 423 00:17:46,487 --> 00:17:48,909 No? No reaction? Okay. 424 00:17:53,835 --> 00:17:55,379 I'm telling you guys, 425 00:17:55,380 --> 00:17:56,715 this is the only way we're going to escape. 426 00:17:56,716 --> 00:17:58,343 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 427 00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:00,222 You're pitching an escape and you don't mention 428 00:18:00,223 --> 00:18:02,309 the word "escape" until 30 seconds in? 429 00:18:02,310 --> 00:18:04,439 You gotta work on your elevator pitch. 430 00:18:25,398 --> 00:18:28,236 There you are, my hapless wonder. 431 00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:31,033 Look at them. They love-slash-pity you. 432 00:18:31,034 --> 00:18:32,746 Erase my memory. I'm begging you. 433 00:18:32,747 --> 00:18:34,583 No way! You kidding? 434 00:18:34,584 --> 00:18:36,795 People wait their whole careers for a run like this. 435 00:18:36,796 --> 00:18:39,760 You remembering while Tiger and Wolf don't? 436 00:18:39,761 --> 00:18:40,928 That's the special sauce, 437 00:18:40,929 --> 00:18:42,473 and you don't want me 438 00:18:42,474 --> 00:18:44,101 to serve my signature meal 439 00:18:44,102 --> 00:18:45,938 without my special sauce, do you? 440 00:18:45,939 --> 00:18:48,611 I don't care about your special sauce. 441 00:18:48,612 --> 00:18:50,322 Well, it's more delicious with the special sauce. 442 00:18:50,323 --> 00:18:51,742 I just want to die! 443 00:18:51,743 --> 00:18:53,453 This is, like, the fifth time 444 00:18:53,454 --> 00:18:55,833 I've had to train myself to walk again! 445 00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:57,962 47 times you failed to get off that elevator. 446 00:18:57,963 --> 00:18:59,633 Do you know how hard that is? 447 00:18:59,634 --> 00:19:02,012 - I am trying. - I know! 448 00:19:02,013 --> 00:19:03,557 That's what makes it so funny. 449 00:19:03,558 --> 00:19:05,770 It's crazy. You're really trying. 450 00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:08,066 And Tiger and Wolf, the savagery. 451 00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,151 They really are from the worst timeline. 452 00:19:09,152 --> 00:19:11,280 If they keep this up, 453 00:19:11,281 --> 00:19:12,951 we're gonna have to release the killing machine, 454 00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:14,411 and we've never had to do that. 455 00:19:14,412 --> 00:19:15,665 Tiger and Wolf are my heroes. 456 00:19:15,666 --> 00:19:18,419 You, my bumbling comic relief. 457 00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:19,881 I'm back on top. 458 00:19:19,882 --> 00:19:21,552 If I keep this up, 459 00:19:21,553 --> 00:19:23,764 the network is gonna let me own my wife 460 00:19:23,765 --> 00:19:25,475 and daughter outright, free and clear. 461 00:19:25,476 --> 00:19:27,354 - Maintenance included, Josh. - Congratulations. 462 00:19:27,355 --> 00:19:29,317 Yeah. I'd say. 463 00:19:30,946 --> 00:19:33,074 Are you ready to do this another way? 464 00:19:33,075 --> 00:19:34,368 My way? 465 00:19:34,369 --> 00:19:36,247 No. No, no, no. 466 00:19:36,248 --> 00:19:38,084 Didn't you hear him? I'm not an action hero. 467 00:19:38,085 --> 00:19:39,880 I'm the comic relief. 468 00:19:39,881 --> 00:19:41,592 I can't do any of this without Tiger and without Wolf. 469 00:19:41,593 --> 00:19:43,762 You've allowed yourself to believe 470 00:19:43,763 --> 00:19:45,558 you're a worthless piece of shit. 471 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:48,479 The world thinks you're a worthless piece of shit. 472 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,025 That is your greatest advantage. 473 00:19:50,026 --> 00:19:52,321 That's my advantage? Well, you know what? 474 00:19:52,322 --> 00:19:53,824 It really doesn't feel like one. 475 00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:55,828 - Can I please have another? - No! 476 00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:59,001 Let them dismiss you, mock you, upstage you, 477 00:19:59,002 --> 00:20:00,963 and underneath their very noses, 478 00:20:00,964 --> 00:20:03,426 we will accomplish the impossible 479 00:20:03,427 --> 00:20:05,514 and get you home. 480 00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:22,172 - You thinking Pelican's Folly? - Nah, too risky. 481 00:20:22,173 --> 00:20:25,345 Those bionic pumas would sniff it out before we could get enough rocks in our mouth. 482 00:20:25,346 --> 00:20:26,974 Hyena's Whisper? 483 00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:29,019 Appreciate the pitch. Terrible idea. 484 00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:30,606 Hmm, yeah. I don't know what I was thinking. 485 00:20:30,607 --> 00:20:31,900 I'll just leave the strategizing to you two. 486 00:20:31,901 --> 00:20:34,614 It's cool. Stay in your lane. 487 00:20:34,615 --> 00:20:36,743 Hey, you know, uh, I was reading in the green room. 488 00:20:36,744 --> 00:20:39,248 Apparently, there's all sorts of mythological, 489 00:20:39,249 --> 00:20:41,377 genetically-modified creatures inside the Death Arena. 490 00:20:41,378 --> 00:20:44,258 I bet you could not get a mermaid's gallbladder. 491 00:20:44,259 --> 00:20:45,720 Mermaid's gallbladder? 492 00:20:45,721 --> 00:20:48,057 A stupid trophy only an idiot would want. 493 00:20:48,058 --> 00:20:50,771 All right, I just know they're a really prized possession 494 00:20:50,772 --> 00:20:52,274 and extremely difficult to cut out. 495 00:20:52,275 --> 00:20:53,652 It's fine, it's fine. 496 00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,447 I mean, I'm sure, you know, you probably... 497 00:20:55,448 --> 00:20:56,868 probably couldn't do it anyways. 498 00:20:58,454 --> 00:21:00,624 Turns out mermaid bile's acidic. 499 00:21:00,625 --> 00:21:02,044 That and their tears. 500 00:21:02,045 --> 00:21:03,922 You know they weep when you kill 'em? 501 00:21:03,923 --> 00:21:06,720 Oh, pathetic creatures, really. 502 00:21:06,721 --> 00:21:09,349 Yes, Josh. Now they're playing your game. 503 00:21:09,350 --> 00:21:12,523 Yep, I said it. Arachno-bot web spindle. 504 00:21:12,524 --> 00:21:14,694 See how they do your bidding? 505 00:21:14,695 --> 00:21:16,865 No way you get a stegosaurus femur. 506 00:21:16,866 --> 00:21:19,036 Guess who just went extinct again? 507 00:21:19,037 --> 00:21:21,040 You have the tools. 508 00:21:21,041 --> 00:21:24,339 Now I will teach you how to wield them. 509 00:21:29,809 --> 00:21:31,143 As you were, everyone. 510 00:21:31,144 --> 00:21:32,939 You all know Stanley and Randall. 511 00:21:32,940 --> 00:21:35,694 I actually recently leveled up Stanley 512 00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:38,324 with the musical prodigy expansion pack. 513 00:21:38,325 --> 00:21:40,621 Give them a taste, Stan. 514 00:22:01,496 --> 00:22:04,168 Magnifico, amore. 515 00:22:04,169 --> 00:22:05,880 All right, big show tonight, everyone. 516 00:22:05,881 --> 00:22:07,967 They're even beaming us to the off-world colonies, 517 00:22:07,968 --> 00:22:10,724 and those pasty crater monkeys never watch this show. 518 00:22:12,728 --> 00:22:16,025 You are the most successful human man 519 00:22:16,026 --> 00:22:18,197 my programming can process. 520 00:22:20,242 --> 00:22:22,706 - You're damn right I am. - Yes. 521 00:22:27,131 --> 00:22:28,718 Okay, this might get a little old. 522 00:22:31,515 --> 00:22:33,268 It's now or never, Josh. 523 00:22:40,449 --> 00:22:42,745 What the fuck are you doing? 524 00:22:42,746 --> 00:22:44,999 Escaping. Yeah, that's right. 525 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,628 You guys think that this is day one, 526 00:22:46,629 --> 00:22:48,799 but it's actually day 60. 527 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,345 You won't listen to me because you're both dicks. 528 00:22:51,346 --> 00:22:52,765 There's no winning with you two, 529 00:22:52,766 --> 00:22:54,309 and there's no winning in this game. 530 00:22:54,310 --> 00:22:55,478 Well said, Josh, but go faster. 531 00:22:55,479 --> 00:22:57,232 Every second counts. 532 00:22:57,233 --> 00:22:59,530 Don't forget the clove hitch for the safety. 533 00:23:00,782 --> 00:23:03,202 Okay, there's a 640-foot drop, 534 00:23:03,203 --> 00:23:05,331 and only 620 feet of Arachno-silk. 535 00:23:05,332 --> 00:23:06,918 If you guys want to escape, 536 00:23:06,919 --> 00:23:08,630 you have to swing over and climb onto a ledge 537 00:23:08,631 --> 00:23:09,800 and go the rest of the way down. 538 00:23:11,219 --> 00:23:13,015 Wall pegs are to the left. 539 00:23:18,526 --> 00:23:20,529 When did you get kind of hot? 540 00:23:20,530 --> 00:23:23,034 I don't understand how he figured this out in one day. 541 00:23:23,035 --> 00:23:24,078 Fuck you guys! 542 00:23:26,584 --> 00:23:28,545 Who's ready for some... 543 00:23:29,673 --> 00:23:31,801 I find this very annoying. 544 00:23:31,802 --> 00:23:33,179 Tough call. 545 00:23:33,180 --> 00:23:35,183 First blood! First blood! 546 00:23:35,184 --> 00:23:40,110 And here they are, ready to die!