Coming up on this season of The DieCathlon...
Brought to you by Ultramax,
the bulk-free blood diaper you never have to remove.
She's a stone-cold killer who buries her emotions,
while keeping the body count sky high.
Forged in the damp fire of hell's sewer,
she survived, only to have the very nature
of her own existence questioned
over and over and over again.
But this tiger burns bright with survival instinct
and a little help from her friends.
Metal spoke sharpener!
He's a demolitions expert-cum-fashion icon-
cum-celebrity chef-cum-politician,
prince, poet, and thief.
He doesn't just survive, he thrives,
with little time for remorse,
and even less time for the losers
who simply don't get it,
which is everyone not named him.
This wolf is at your door blowing your mind and your house down,
and you're somehow thanking him for it.
He was masturbating one night and was mistaken
for someone he wasn't: a hero.
But that didn't stop him from becoming one...
or so he thought!
Visited by two super soldiers from the future
and dragged along for the time-traveling joyride of a lifetime,
he should be dead, an footnote in a mistake file
labeled, "Are you fucking kidding me? This asshole?"
Yet, somehow, Josh is still kicking.
Yeah, you heard right.
Where he comes from, Josh is a man's name.
Now, these three renegades have been appropriated by the network,
convicted of time crimes,
and sentenced to death by entertainment.
They're gonna be running for their lives,
hunted by creatures both real and mythological,
tested in ways the human body and mind simply wasn't designed to endure,
but this trio's got something special,
and with a little luck, you're gonna see it splattered
all over your Opti-Scope.
I am Susan Saint Jackalope,
and this is the centennial season of...
The DieCathlon!
I've gotta say, I've got a really good feeling
about this upcoming season.
Really, I think there's something special about these three.
Well, hon, you've been unlucky the last few cycles.
You were due some quality contestants.
I know, and the network,
as soon as they feel like maybe things aren't working
as well as they used to,
they get panicked and they get ruthless.
Think of everything that you've been through.
The ratings slide, the coup d'état,
the mass prisoner suicides.
Oh, and that Galaxus 9 core meltdown,
and somehow, somehow, you're still standing.
It's because you're strong.
I don't deserve you.
Oh, of course you do.
All you have to do is turn me on.
Ooh, 97% charged, I see.
Yeah.
Oh, saucy.
- Get ready. - Okay.
I'm ready.
You know, if they cancel the show,
things will change around here.
We don't have to talk about that right now.
The network will take me and Stanley away.
Our hard drives will be wiped.
We'll be allocated to a new executive,
one more worthy of the G7300 class.
That's not gonna happen.
Well, how do you know, you stupid piece of shit?
You took the planet's most popular show
and you made it boring and predictable,
just like the sex we're about to have.
What are you doing right now?
Now, bend over, so I can do to you
what you've been doing to your sponsors.
I am gonna get something big and hard and cold.
I am gonna hit you until your ass is so red that...
Oh, God, hold me. I'm so scared.
Oh, it's scary, but I'll hold you.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
I forgot to put her into sleep mode.
Hi, honey.
That's how babies used to be made.
Time to dream of electric sleep, Stanley.
Sweet dreams, Stanley.
All right.
- Where were we? - ¶ Y'all ready for this? ¶
Sweet tune.
I knew this would stand the test of time.
- You thinking Pelican's Folly? - No, it's too risky.
Those bionic pumas would sniff us out before we could hide enough rocks in our mouths.
- Hyena's Whisper. - Yes.
Especially in an arena this size.
They'll never see it coming,
and it might buy us just enough time to pull a classic.
Lobster's Bluff.
What the fuck are you guys talking about?
We are about to die out there!
Do you know how many times we've turned a death sentence
into a life paragraph?
This isn't anything we haven't seen before.
You know what?
Maybe we deserve this.
Maybe this is justice. I mean, we fucked up the universe.
I mean, the whole universe.
That's what you get when you think you're a savior.
I thought I was special, and because of that,
we cause the death of millions of people.
Mm, wasn't it billions?
Right, billions.
Thank you, Tiger.
And this is payback.
I don't know why you guys are fighting it.
Because we fight.
And, yes, we probably are gonna die out there,
but what do you want us to do, give up?
That'd be the worst episode ever.
Yeah, Wolf's right, if we die, we die.
I mean, this isn't about saving the world anymore. There's no mission.
This is about survival,
something we are pretty damn good at.
Yeah, and we've already passed the ultimate test as a team.
We could have offed each other back there.
But as tempting as that was, we didn't,
and now those pencil-neck future fucks
are never gonna know what hit them.
Plus, with Lobster's Bluff,
we just might have a pincher's chance.
- That was clever. - Thank you.
All right.
If our last stand's gonna be in the Death Arena,
let's give them a hell of a show.
- Who's ready for... - First blood!
First blood! First blood!
Here they are, ready to die!
We got this.
The true measure of bravery
isn't the absence of fear.
It is the overcoming of it.
Oh, no, not goo again!
No! That's sour!
It's sour!
Do not despair,
for you are not alone, my friend.
Who's that? You will triumph because you are truly special.
No, no, no, no, no!
Get out of my head.
Get out of my head!
Go away! I'm not special.
I'm a no one. I'm just a guy gagging on goo!
No, no, you are so much more than that.
You are a savior.
- - No! - Yes.
Yes, you are,
and because of that,
- I will help you escape. - Boom shaka-laka!
And that is how you kill a unicorn.
You just rip its magic little horn
off its stupid little horse head
and then you just watch it... it bleed rainbows,
and you just laugh.
Look.
Hey, you know what that is?
It's a kraken ball!
Yeah, they only have one, singular.
When I took that from him, he, uh...
he basically lost the will to live.
Every creature has a weakness, Josh.
It's usually the dick zone. Oh, so that's it. You guys won.
It's over.
I don't know what the record is for fastest victory,
but, uh, looking at the score keeper's poor face,
I'd say we pretty much shattered it.
Yeah, and his face, which, that was unnecessary,
but once the adrenaline starts pumping,
I am not distinguishing between participant and official.
It's all just, ah!
Oh, you displayed a shocking brutality in there.
Stop it, I was... I was locked in.
I don't know what you want me to say.
I saw that.
Yeah, I'm really sad that I missed it.
I wish I would have seen it.
I'm fine, by the way, so thank you,
you know, for asking.
Um, question, though.
Did they put, like, a... a little, like,
voice in your head that just zeroes in on all your weaknesses, or...
How much of that, uh, that goo have you swallowed?
Never mind. Uh, never mind. I'm fine.
I was just making sure that all three of us
didn't have a voice in our heads.
I got a voice in my head,
and that voice is screaming,
"Choo-choo-choo ching-ching,"
which is how cash registers sound now.
You guys were spectacular. Phenomenal.
What a show. Not you. You did jack shit, sir.
So what do we get for winning?
You guys get an all-expense-paid luxury trip
back to The DieCathlon!
You go back in. You're going back.
That was level one of many.
That's great news.
We were hoping you'd have more to throw at us
than some rinky-dink show pony
and a fat goldfish with one ball.
Yeah, getting out of a long-promised threesome
with Vince Neil and Tawny Kitaen
was much harder than this bullshit excuse
for The Running Man, which, by the way,
I did an uncredited rewrite on.
The first draft was a disaster with a capital D.
It made no sense. Really, this whole thing was...
- You're healing nicely. - My whole body is numb!
That means the goo is doing what the goo is supposed to do.
This goo is incredible goo.
- It's our best goo yet. - Oh.
Too much of the goo, you get cancer.
Too little of the goo, you get cancer.
The exact right amount of goo will heal almost anything
except goo-related cancers.
Medicine.
Come on. Anyway, you guys rest up.
You've got a big day tomorrow. You're fighting dinosaurs.
Roar.
Wait.
- What if I swallow too much? - Ah, you'll be fine.
Gah.
- Hey! - Oh! God.
How's the shoulder, kid?
It feels like being stabbed
by a million tiny little knives.
It's actually being stabbed by 2.5 billion little knives.
Those are nanobots, and they are repairing the tear in your soft tissue.
Where do they go when they're done?
Whatever.
Look, what am I gonna do tomorrow
when Tiger and Wolf go back into the game?
- You're gonna go back too. - What? Hell, no, I'm not!
I-I-I can barely move my shoulder!
I got shot with a giant "Avatar" arrow!
You'll be fine by tomorrow.
The network does not skimp when it comes to keeping alive
the people that they plan on eventually killing.
Look at you.
You already have the strength of a nine-year-old.
Before you know it,
you'll have the strength of a preteen.
Then a tween. Then a teenager.
Then a little man.
Thanks, Susan.
Okay, this might get a little old.
Sweet tune.
Knew this would stand the test of time.
What do you think of Pelican's Folly?
No, it's too risky.
Those bionic pumas would sniff us out
before we could hide enough rocks in our mouths.
- Hyena's Whisper? - Yes.
Especially in an arena this size.
They'll never see it coming,
and it might buy us just enough time
to pull a classic.
Lobster's Bluff.
What are you guys doing?
What?
Why are you saying the same things you said yesterday?
Is it like a... like a warrior thing?
Like, you have to repeat what worked or what?
- What are you talking about? - Stop fucking with me!
We need to come up with a plan to protect me out there.
You understand?
You guys are far better equipped
to handle this than I am.
What can I expect?
How the hell should we know?
It's the first time for us too.
This guy.
No, it isn't!
Who's ready for some...
First blood! First blood!
You guys, this is really mean! Please!
Here they are, ready to die!
Oh, come on!
Survival is equal parts endurance and adaptation.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
You will not survive this game.
No one does.
Eventually, something sharp will pierce something
that cannot be healed by tiny robots.
How... how do you know?
I know a great many things, Josh.
How do you... how do you know who I am?
Do you... do you know everyone?
Are you Go...
Oh, no, no, no.
Maybe... maybe you're not.
Maybe... maybe I'm just finally losing my mind
and I'm having this conversation with myself
like in "Fight Club."
I don't get that reference.
Okay, you know what? That's it.
I'm ignoring you. You're not real.
Really?
Humming, Josh?
Don't be that way. Listen.
I am here to help you escape through the elevator,
where there are no cameras.
What, escape? Really, to where?
3491? Some other time?
Anywhere that I can go I've either already ruined
or I'm gonna be killed instantly by people
who are better equipped to live than me.
I know a place where you will be safe.
It's a place you once called home.
I trust from your silence you are intrigued.
Yeah, of course I'm intrigued.
I'm talking to myself so I'm gonna tell myself
- whatever I want to hear. - You are a skeptic.
To prove to you that I can help,
I will now perform a small miracle. Is that okay?
Can I perform a small miracle for you?
Sure, man. I'm not going anywhere.
You are in the goo, no?
Yeah, you know I'm in the goo.
I'm wearing a metal diaper in a thing of goo.
Okay, listen to me, Josh.
You don't want to be swallowing any more of this goo.
The nanobots, they react poorly with your gut flora.
They go to war.
The next thing you know, you are allergic to chickpeas.
Oh, man. I love chickpeas.
I know, me too. Reach down.
You will find a small rubberized knob
behind your hip just to the left.
- Feel it? - Yeah.
Press the center of it, hard.
Oh, God!
Oh, that's so much better.
That is my small miracle,
just for you, my friend.
Uh, yeah, if I meet a rhyming riddle worm,
I'm gonna decapitate it.
But I think that animatronic Clue Worm
was trying to help us.
Well, speak in prose, then, buddy.
Let me guess. You guys won.
I don't know what the record is for fastest victory,
but from the look on that poor scorekeeper's face,
I'd say we shattered it.
And his face, right?
- How'd you know that? - Just a guess.
What, do you got a live feed in here?
Are they using any close-ups?
'Cause I feel like they're shooting everything in a wide,
and, well, the drama's right here.
Guys, this is gonna be hard to comprehend,
but all of this already happened yesterday.
All right, th-they must've wiped your memories
or something so you have no recollection
- of playing the game. - Bullshit.
I would remember if they wiped my memory.
- - Yeah, me too. - No, you wouldn't.
That's not how memory wiping works.
You come from a time where memory wiping's a thing?
'Cause we do.
I'm telling you we are gonna keep playing this game
again and again with slight variations until we're dead.
Okay, even if that were true, which it isn't,
I can think of worse ways to go.
- - Y-you have to believe me! - No, sorry.
My radar is finely tuned to repetition.
Even back at the restaurant when everyone was clamoring
for Wolfheart staples,
I changed the menu every goddamn day.
Now, that's a terrible business model,
but, well, a true artist never repeats himself.
What you're describing, well, that sounds like hell.
Josh, these people are awful.
You don't need them.
I can lead you home. Follow me.
I can't... I can't just abandon them, okay?
We're gonna go back to the Victor's Lounge.
Yeah, sorry. Victors only.
Good-bye, Josh.
Guys, come on! Don't just...
See how quickly they leave you behind?
You must do the same.
That... that's just like our... our dynamic, okay?
It's... it's fun.
If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do things my way, all right?
Just tell me what I need to know.
Guys, listen. We have to get out of here,
and the only way is through this elevator.
Otherwise, we're dead, eventually.
What are you talking about? What is he talking about?
No idea. Sounds boring.
¶ Y'all ready for this ¶
And this is the only safe place that we can talk.
Okay, this is, like, a really old elevator,
and it passes through, like, a magnetic rock section,
and then the cameras get jammed.
Guys, wait for me!
Baseball?
I just want to sleep!
I am telling you, you memories have been wiped.
You have to believe me, please!
Please turn it down! No!
¶ Y'all ready for this? ¶
Don't you guys think it's a little weird that I know
everything you're about to say?
No? No reaction? Okay.
I'm telling you guys,
this is the only way we're going to escape.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're pitching an escape and you don't mention
the word "escape" until 30 seconds in?
You gotta work on your elevator pitch.
There you are, my hapless wonder.
Look at them. They love-slash-pity you.
Erase my memory. I'm begging you.
No way! You kidding?
People wait their whole careers for a run like this.
You remembering while Tiger and Wolf don't?
That's the special sauce,
and you don't want me
to serve my signature meal
without my special sauce, do you?
I don't care about your special sauce.
Well, it's more delicious with the special sauce.
I just want to die!
This is, like, the fifth time
I've had to train myself to walk again!
47 times you failed to get off that elevator.
Do you know how hard that is?
- I am trying. - I know!
That's what makes it so funny.
It's crazy. You're really trying.
And Tiger and Wolf, the savagery.
They really are from the worst timeline.
If they keep this up,
we're gonna have to release the killing machine,
and we've never had to do that.
Tiger and Wolf are my heroes.
You, my bumbling comic relief.
I'm back on top.
If I keep this up,
the network is gonna let me own my wife
and daughter outright, free and clear.
- Maintenance included, Josh. - Congratulations.
Yeah. I'd say.
Are you ready to do this another way?
My way?
No. No, no, no.
Didn't you hear him? I'm not an action hero.
I'm the comic relief.
I can't do any of this without Tiger and without Wolf.
You've allowed yourself to believe
you're a worthless piece of shit.
The world thinks you're a worthless piece of shit.
That is your greatest advantage.
That's my advantage? Well, you know what?
It really doesn't feel like one.
- Can I please have another? - No!
Let them dismiss you, mock you, upstage you,
and underneath their very noses,
we will accomplish the impossible
and get you home.
- You thinking Pelican's Folly? - Nah, too risky.
Those bionic pumas would sniff it out before we could get enough rocks in our mouth.
Hyena's Whisper?
Appreciate the pitch. Terrible idea.
Hmm, yeah. I don't know what I was thinking.
I'll just leave the strategizing to you two.
It's cool. Stay in your lane.
Hey, you know, uh, I was reading in the green room.
Apparently, there's all sorts of mythological,
genetically-modified creatures inside the Death Arena.
I bet you could not get a mermaid's gallbladder.
Mermaid's gallbladder?
A stupid trophy only an idiot would want.
All right, I just know they're a really prized possession
and extremely difficult to cut out.
It's fine, it's fine.
I mean, I'm sure, you know, you probably...
probably couldn't do it anyways.
Turns out mermaid bile's acidic.
That and their tears.
You know they weep when you kill 'em?
Oh, pathetic creatures, really.
Yes, Josh. Now they're playing your game.
Yep, I said it. Arachno-bot web spindle.
See how they do your bidding?
No way you get a stegosaurus femur.
Guess who just went extinct again?
You have the tools.
Now I will teach you how to wield them.
As you were, everyone.
You all know Stanley and Randall.
I actually recently leveled up Stanley
with the musical prodigy expansion pack.
Give them a taste, Stan.
Magnifico, amore.
All right, big show tonight, everyone.
They're even beaming us to the off-world colonies,
and those pasty crater monkeys never watch this show.
You are the most successful human man
my programming can process.
- You're damn right I am. - Yes.
Okay, this might get a little old.
It's now or never, Josh.
What the fuck are you doing?
Escaping. Yeah, that's right.
You guys think that this is day one,
but it's actually day 60.
You won't listen to me because you're both dicks.
There's no winning with you two,
and there's no winning in this game.
Well said, Josh, but go faster.
Every second counts.
Don't forget the clove hitch for the safety.
Okay, there's a 640-foot drop,
and only 620 feet of Arachno-silk.
If you guys want to escape,
you have to swing over and climb onto a ledge
and go the rest of the way down.
Wall pegs are to the left.
When did you get kind of hot?
I don't understand how he figured this out in one day.
Fuck you guys!
Who's ready for some...
I find this very annoying.
Tough call.
First blood! First blood!
And here they are, ready to die!