Previously on "Future Man"...
My name is Athena.
My comrades and I traveled back in time to find you.
Everything that happens in the Biotic Wars is real.
The Biotics, the wars.
The Tiger I know didn't stand down.
That was before a whole unit died because of me.
I lost everyone to get here.
- Gosh, darn it! - Jeepers creepers.
Those bags, so rascally. I never trust 'em.
I don't know how to thank you for this, Ty-Anne.
I haven't had a home-cooked meal since,
well, I lived at home with my mom.
Oh, you hush now, Stu-bear.
Goodnight, you sweet, sad little man.
How do we separate Biotics from humans?
This place is thick with sewer mushrooms.
Couple of seconds after eating those,
you puke, shit yourself, and pass out
with no memory of what happened.
Except for Biotics.
They're immune to all poison,
so they'll be the only ones left standing.
How?
Oh, shiiit!
Breathe, God damn it.
How did we...
Get out of there?
It's such a mind-fuck.
2162.
We made it.
"This reflecting pool
"commemorates the innocent lives
"lost in the horrific Kronish Tower
Terrorist Attack."
Oh, my God.
- We fucking did it. - We did.
We did it!
Oh, Tiger, we did it!
Yay!
- Yeah! - Whoo!
Whoo!
- Whoo! - Ah!
So long, Biotics.
You exist on a plaque now.
That's what's left of your filthy kind.
Yeah.
That's right.
Not a... not a single one left.
So we can probably never talk about it again.
- That little guy did it. - Yeah.
His name should be on that plaque.
Not those fucking Perfs.
That's the best and easy fix.
- There we go. Yeah. - Yeah.
I guess we should say something.
Yeah, I mean he died for the cause.
We should probably say a few words.
- Yeah. - How do you
eulogize a man like Josh?
- Oh, you're really asking... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Public speaking's not really my...
It doesn't have to be a formal thing.
No, no, no. We'll just keep it casual.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, so... - So...
He, uh, made a lot of kills.
And look at those names.
I mean, I did a good portion of them, but it...
You have anything you wanna add or?
Though his worldly body was incinerated
and turned to ash, I take comfort in knowing
that it has become one with the elements,
aerating the soil
and the earth that we walk upon,
blowing in the wind and the air that we breathe.
Except for his cock. That's still kicking around,
- huh? - Yep.
The living embodiment of Josh hangs off me
like a medal of honor.
Though it was once a cause of great shame,
I will wear it with pride for the rest of my days.
Like him, it's small, but efficient.
It packs the occasional wallop.
Not as big of a wallop as my original rod.
- Ah, yeah okay. - But this one's adequate.
- Just like Josh. - Mm-hmm.
And when I hold it in my hand it will be
like I'm holding his hand across timelines.
Okay, all right. All right, I think we're good.
- I think we covered it. - Oh, yeah, sure.
Only sounded like a eulogy for your incinerated cock.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just... ah, how about you?
Nah, I'm good. I mean, a millimeter to the right
probably would have hit my heart over here.
- Oh, yeah, close call. - Yeah.
Well, let's see how we fit into this brave, new world, huh?
I like what I'm seeing so far.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
A little hotter than our 2162,
- but I could get used to this. - Yeah.
Reminds me of all those schvitzes I took
with some pretty powerful Hollywood Jews.
- Mm-hmm. - That's where all the real
- deals got made. - Mm-hmm.
And some lasting friendships.
So me, Bob Evans, Lou Wasserman...
Okay, okay, we're closing in on something.
Oh. No.
No.
It's the Three Strung Corpses of Alamore.
It's the Death Fields.
I thought we changed things.
Oh. Oh, God.
Wait, those aren't corpses.
They're Frighten-Birds.
If there's Frighten-Birds, there must be...
Outdoor food!
It's a...
It's a bean.
And what a bean.
Have we created the land of giants?
Oh.
Oh, I'm sensing hints of lima.
And pinto.
Kidney.
Black-eyed. And navy.
Navy.
This is like all beans rolled into one.
Like some kind of a...
mega-bean.
From the death fields to the bean fields.
What a magical world.
Wolf, Younglings.
Fresh and undead!
Wolf, I think they want to play Hunter v. Hunted.
Wolf.
Strays in the All-Bean field! Strays in the All-Bean field!
That's no stray. That's Torque!
He's got two GX239 hand cannon wounds.
Shoulder, thigh, and I'm hit upper abdomen.
- Weasel. Is that you? - Who are you calling weasel?
- 'Cause that's your name. - My name is Wrench.
And there's no outsiders allowed in the NAG.
It's Tiger. I'm with Wolf.
That's Torque. I know him.
I don't know you. Maybe you're helping him.
Or maybe you're the one that gave him those injuries.
Trying to use him for cover. Sneak in, poach our beans.
- That your game? - Is she Bio-Tech?
She sure smells like one.
We'll know for sure after she takes
the sewer-mushroom test.
Your pants make brown, welcome to our town.
Your pants stay dry...
You're gonna die.
Anvil! Go get the Bio-Tester.
- Hey, you're back. - Huh? What?
- You're home. - What?
Come on.
- Let's get you some help. - Huh? What?
If we succeed, we go back to the future,
the Biotics don't exist, and our team is still alive.
That's different people who don't know us
- or what we did. - But I'll know.
And you'll know. And we'll have each other.
I've given you my life
because I trust you.
It was all worth it to get you back.
You're the only family I need.
You and your mutant race deserve to die!
Come!
Come! C-come!
Come!
C-come! Come!
Out with you, boy!
C-come!
Come!
- Come! - Reveal yourself!
Devil child!
C-come!
Come!
Come one, come all
to the great red planet MARS!
Yep, it's me: Lil Jimmy McGurgan.
Earth is dying.
Lucky for us,
the solar system gave us a spare planet
right next door, and I'm gonna be the first boy on MARS.
- What? - But before I get there,
we've all got some training to do.
Mons hab units are open now, no Ethereum down!
Come! Come one, come all to the great red planet MARS.
Yep, it's me: Lil Jimmy McGurgan.
Earth is dying.
Lucky for us, the solar system
gave us a spare planet
right next door...
You. Moon man.
What the fuck's going on here?
Hello and welcome to the Mons.
I'm your automated guide Cassini.
How may I be of service?
I want answers, Cassini, and I want them now.
Okeydokey, what kind of answers?
Commonly asked questions include:
what does it smell like on MARS?
Is it hot or cold on MARS?
Will I need a jacket on MARS?
- And are there Martians on MARS? - Okay.
Were all these people in these bubble huts Bio-Techs?
Oopsie. Hate speech is a no-no.
Please restate your question using the term "human beings."
Okay, are these human beings, were they given a super-cure
- for all diseases? - You betcha.
Their ancestors were given the cure
- more than 100 years ago. - Fuck me.
I personally cannot perform that service,
but here are some local establishments that can.
The Rub Hub, The "O" -Zone, Spunknik.
Okay.
Was there a war because the government
forced a super-cure on an unwilling populace?
- No. - Oh, thank God.
There was a war because the government
withheld the cure from a large portion
of a desperate and dying populace,
kicking off 100 years of global bloodshed,
the likes of which our planet has never seen.
No, I can't believe this.
Retrieving visual proof.
I've curated the most disturbing images
to convey maximum emotional impact,
forgoing a traditional narrative form of storytelling.
Does it help if I go faster?
Stop. Stop. Cassini, stop!
The next thing out of your squawk box
better be some good news about the last 100 years.
How about this?
Thanks to the Armistice of 2142,
humanity has enjoyed 20 years of lasting peace.
Yeah, yeah, tell me more about these peace accords.
The Peace Accord Bombings of 2094
devastated Western Europe.
Does that sound like good news to you, Cassini!
Ma'am? Ma'am!
You are currently breaking
the Violence Against Machines Act of 2139.
Yeah, I'm gonna break a lot more than that
you fucking Dork-a-tron!
I am computer code and cannot be physically harmed.
You appear to be injured.
Your current rate of blood loss is 9.6 milliliters per minute.
I advise you to seek medical attention.
Oh, uh, have a wonderful day.
What the fuck is this shit?
Fuck!
Well... no.
Uh, is Tony in? I was hoping to have this clean
by Mon... day.
You do know there's an infirmary
two quads up, three over?
Two quads up, three over. Okay.
- Where'd she go? - She's right here.
Now you found me, what do you want?
To invite you.
Up there.
Oh, come on.
I can't believe it.
You're here.
Oh, you're hurt. Doctor Hogeveen!
- How are you here? - How are you here?
It's been 144 years, 7 months, and 3 days
since that magical...
since we met.
You haven't aged a day.
Yeah, I've aged a day.
- One really shitty day. - Eunice, please, she's hurt.
One day?
How is that possible?
- Time travel. - But that doesn't exist.
Well obviously it exists because I'm here in your...
what do you call this? Mountain lair?
You freeze yourself? You're a cryo-slag now?
This is a miracle. It's...
This is happiness I don't deserve.
- A bolt of joy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- How did Kronish's cure get out? - Kronish?
- His work died with him. - What... ow!
These wounds. It would help if I could see
- the weapon that caused them. - Yeah, we'll just pop back
140 years and take them off the chucklefucks who shot me.
Who developed the cure?
Ah, you know, I don't like to
toot my own kazoo, but it was me.
It was my life's work.
Why would you do that?
Because tens of millions of people were dying
and I wanted to save them.
You monster! Ah!
- Fuck! What? - Get it out of your system.
Reveal yourself.
- I'm not hiding. - Come on!
- Is this a joke? - This is me.
I'm a hologram.
It's true. He is a hologram.
I appreciate you keeping an open mind.
What kind of sick fucking techno nightmare
did I just wake up in?
Eunice, can you please give us a moment?
Look, I...
I know this is a lot to take in, but, um, I'm an AIS,
an Augmented Intelligence System.
I uploaded my brain, my memories.
Everything about me still exists.
I just don't have a body.
So you're a robo-ghost.
Will you excuse me one second?
Fuck.
Oh, that was a disaster.
You're catastrophizing.
- She hates me. - She doesn't hate you.
I waited 144 years
for the only woman I've ever loved
to come walking through the door
and I immediately blow it.
Why couldn't I have programmed myself to be cool?
Stu, take a deep breath.
She probably blames me for the war.
But I wasn't the one who decided
who got the cure and who didn't.
It was those bastards
at the World Health Organization.
And history reviles them for it.
I have dedicated my life to healing humanity.
I extended my life so that I could continue trying.
If only there was a way I could program
- that information into her. - There is.
It's called "telling her."
Use your words, Stu.
I'll probably just mess it up.
Try considering how she feels.
With your computing power,
you've had 16 quadrillion lifetimes
to process these feelings.
She's had 12 minutes.
Yeah.
You're right. Just...
It's Ty-Anne.
- It's the real Ty-Anne. - I know.
- I don't want to blow it. - Stu.
You're not just a person. You're a good person.
- No, no. - Stuart, look at me.
You're a person.
Do you need a hug?
Yeah.
Can you be the bunny?
We're inside your operating system.
I can be whatever you want.
There you go. There you go.
Settle into that fur.
Where were we?
You were blabbing about being a computer zombie.
Your feelings are understandable
and valid, Ty-Anne.
Ty-Anne? Ah, right, yeah. I was at your house yesterday.
Well, no, I'm Tiger, and I'm from the year 2162.
But not this bullshit version.
The version where I was sent back
to stop the cure from ever getting out.
You were just a mark for my mission
to blow up the Kronitorium and destroy all Kronish's research.
What are you talking about? You didn't blow up the lab.
That was the Krona-bomber.
Joosh Futturman.
Little Boy Blew.
- Yeah, he was with us. - You were working with him?
He was a cold-blooded killer.
He was remorseless during the trial.
This... this does not compute.
Yeah, you know what else doesn't compute?
The world I come from, we were in the midst of a 30-year war.
Now, thanks to you, we're up to 100.
It's 114, actually. We round down for morale.
Do you understand now why you being the father of the cure
is not exactly the bee's knees.
Oh, boy. This next part...
Look, I want you to trust me, and, uh,
the foundation to any healthy relationship is honesty.
- So... - Out with it, phantom!
When you stab me, it doesn't hurt me physically,
- but it does hurt my heart. - Oh, that just makes me wanna
- to stab you more. - Okay, if...
If I'm the father of the cure,
then you're kinda the mom.
What!
When you saved my life
by leaving me that note, I wanted to thank you,
but you vanished.
I had no way to get in contact with you.
- Watch out! - Fuck.
Then I remembered that I'm a scientist,
so I could find you using something that you left behind.
Like what?
The genomic structure of your DNA
was like nothing I'd ever seen.
No, that's a hologram too.
The original was purchased by Elon Musk
in a competitive bidding situation.
You used my Biotic DNA to create the cure?
I thought you were an angel from heaven.
I thought that this was my life's purpose,
to use this to heal the world.
To save humanity, the way you saved me.
No, no, no, that's...
Hologram. I'm so sorry.
That was the worst time for that to happen.
- No, I get it. - Oh, son of a...
I get it. You hate me.
No, I don't.
This isn't your fault, okay? It's mine.
I'm the one who left behind body-relics,
and that mistake... made it so I destroyed humanity.
No, you saved it.
None of these people would be alive if it wasn't for you.
If you hadn't left behind those body-relics,
humanity would have gone the way of the bees.
And the bats. All animals, really.
Oh, great. Well I saved the doofus brigade.
Just in time for the planet to die. Super proud.
But we are not gonna die with it.
Look, all these people are not
worrying about the end of the world.
They're looking forward to starting a new one.
Hey, Jimmy! You excited about the MARS launch?
You bet, Stu. Check out my new suit.
First boy on MARS!
No one can take that away from you.
Really wish I could take that away from him,
but the rules of the radio call-in contest were clear.
This changes everything.
For the first time, humanity is working together
- in pursuit of a single goal. - Does that include
the spear-wielding man-mountain over at the NAG?
'Cause his goal seemed to be to make me shit myself.
The good people of the NAG are invited to MARS.
I've reached out to them countless times.
But they're so anti-tech. They don't trust me.
When I finally made enough cure, I sent it to them.
They smashed it with rocks.
When puppies went extinct, I sent them PUP-E,
an adorable robo-dog. They smashed them with rocks.
I can't blame them on that one.
I mean, you replaced a stable food source
with an inedible toy, so.
I am trying really, really hard.
I know I can't force anyone
to see the great thing we're doing here,
but I hope you will.
Okay, Stu.
Yeah, maybe this world is better
than the world I came from, but...
that doesn't mean I have a place in it.
I still don't know who I am.
Or how I got this way.
And now I have nobody. I'm alone.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
Tiger, meet Ty-Anne.
My daughter.
Hi.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com