(goat bleating)
Yia.
I think you are a bad chooser of men.
Do you? Mmm-hmm.
Well, they're not my priority.
Even his name is wrong-- "who."
It's not a name, it's a question.
I suspect you wouldn't be happy with whoever
was trying to court me, Spiros,
because you're over-protective.
Of me and my family.
Will you marry "who"?
You can't ask that!
Why not?
Because you're being indiscreet.
You know, I love the British,
but you make everything complicated.
We Greeks are different.
We say what's on our mind, the important things.
Why are there no gingerbread women?
(loud crunch)
(mouth full): Okay! Okay!
(typewriter clacking)
(typewriter dings)
(door closes) (sighs)
I'm busy.
(clacking continues)
Just give me another half hour.
Always with the big entrance.
(sighs)
When we are getting married?
Oh, that's a question.
Well, in your hasty way,
you forget that I never asked or even agreed to marry you.
(clacking continues)
(cries out)
Get off!
What are you bloody doing!
Ask me to marry you.
Is this to do with me giving you the mumps?
Propose to me!
No!
So, what is MDXCVI?
(bird squawking)
Roman numerals, Gerry.
No!
Gerry!
(bird squawking) (otter squeaking)
No! Get out! Go!
Go!
Gerry will you for once concentrate on your studies!
It was a falcon, attacking my otters!
I don't care!
Well, you should,
because otters are dying out on Corfu
and I think she's pregnant.
(animal yelping)
You are the end...
(squeaking)
That's it!
No more animals, or I will...
I will beat you!
(snorts) Go!
(chuckles)
HUGH: It-it's obvious that olive oil
is the best for preserving and cooking--
I mean, butter is-is animal putrescence.
Mm, toast with jam and...
oil.
(sighs)
I'm so boring about olive oil.
You are a bit.
You'll never guess what I have under my trousers.
Swimming trunks.
Are you coming in?
LESLIE: No, she doesn't go in the water.
Why not? She finds it undignified.
She doesn't have a swimming costume.
She has got six pairs of shoes.
Shall I answer?
Come on!
(giggling)
Right, piggy-back, everyone!
Let's do this properly.
Come on, Margo! Come on then!
One, two, three!
(playful screaming)
(whooping)
Ah!
Ah Larry, how lovely.
(grunts)
Let me guess what's making you look suicidal.
Mmm, could it be your choice of girlfriend perhaps?
Vasilia just tried to force me
into the least romantic proposal in history.
Oh, darling.
A scene as if written by P.G. Wodehouse in a really bad mood.
Please tell her it's over.
Oh, I will.
I've had enough.
I'm just waiting for the right moment.
Well let me do it.
I'd love to.
(chuckling): No.
She'd kill you, literally.
Then throw your carcass out of the house.
Ah, nature-philiac!
How are you?
Well, this is fun, but Donald's ruining my life.
He's so grumpy now.
LOUISA: Ah, Margo's making him suffer.
Lower.
Because she's already been through unrequited love.
Higher now.
GERRY: Well, I'm no expert,
but it seems to me that love's a bit of a nightmare.
Well, it can be, because it's so hard to find.
But when you do, together, well, it's...
it's powerful and beautiful.
Thanks, no I'm sure that'll be useful.
Right, I'm just off to get my pelicans.
Larry, get in the water, man!
I'll race you.
Geronimo!
Here I come!
(laughs)
Go!
(honks horn)
SPIRO: Mrs. Durrells,
I saw Larry.
He told me that you need a parasol.
Oh Spiros, you are a marvel.
I bring you shadow,
but nothing can put you in the shade.
(chuckles)
Mr. Halikiopoulos.
Mr. Jarvis.
Oh, listen to you. Do try to get on.
HUGH: Unlike women,
men don't feel the need to like each other.
MARGO: Nor do we.
I much prefer men.
Oh, excellent.
Not all men, obviously.
Men and women may be different,
but there's such a bond between our two cultures.
Spiros loves the British
and well Hugh's grandparents were Greek.
The Greeks and the British
have so much in common.
Theo would have lots of examples, if he wasn't away.
If he weren't away-- subjunctive.
We'll study that tomorrow.
LOUISA: The Greeks give us
ancient culture and, well, this.
And we give you Shakespeare and...
Cricket?
Yes!
We play cricket in Corfu.
The only place in Greece.
What makes me think you're rather good at it, Spiros?
(chuckles)
If you'd like to bring us together,
let's have a cricket match.
(gasps)
Greeks against the English. Well, no,
because someone will win and then the other team will be sad.
It's a sport! SPIROS: No, it's okay.
It'll be a friendly match, for-for charity.
I'll be captain.
Well, all right,
as long as it's a joyful celebration
of Anglo-Greek relations.
(refreshed sigh) (mimics Spiros)
I will organize the cricket.
Oh Spiros, what would we do without you?
(chuckles)
How many are there in a team?
I don't know-- fifteen? Oh.
But you said you play.
No, but he wanted a contest.
In Chicago I watched baseball.
I think cricket's rather complicated.
You hit the ball with a big stick,
and stop for cucumber sandwiches, hmm.
(engine starts)
So, who's British and can play cricket?
You, me, and Donald.
I asked Captain Creech but he said no,
and used some salty language.
Hmm.
Larry?
Hopeless, but he likes the dressing up.
Well I know a few ex-pats but we're still short.
Oh, as non-Greeks, what about Sven?
And Sven's, um... friend?
Can homosexuals play sport?
Well I-I think they do everything we do, Leslie.
Well, not everything.
No, well, not everything.
We must practice
until we're a tight, efficient unit.
Yes, but your mother's right,
this must be a relaxed
and gentlemanly contest.
I suppose so.
But if we lose to a bunch of foreigners
it would be humiliating.
Yes, can't have that.
I mean, I really like Spiros, but we British invented sport.
Yes, I look forward to winning her.
What do you mean "her"?
What?
You said you "look forward to winning her."
Winning it.
The game.
(scoffs)
(groans)
Good evening.
Kalispera.
No, don't touch me.
I have something serious to say.
Don't get angry but...
Your mouth is soft.
That's normal, now...
Make it hard.
No.
Now, I have enjoyed our time together,
but in the words of George Elliot,
"Only in the agony of parting
do we look into the depths of love."
So you are doing-- how you call it?
Tittering? Twittering?
Wittering.
Stop, eat with me, and then we'll make love.
No!
No, I'm not going to, um...
Absolutely not.
There's no, um...
Oh, God.
Hello, Countess.
(gasps) Margo!
Oh, how lovely.
I have missed you.
Ah, thank you.
You did sack me.
No, tush.
I merely asked you not to come back.
I've a favor.
My mother's arranging a cricket match
between a Greek and a British team
to celebrate the two cultures or something.
How intrepid. (laughs)
And we'd hoped you'd present the trophy.
I'd be delighted.
And provide the trophy, if you have an ornament
or a spare bowl lying around.
We don't have a bean.
Well, we have beans, but not much else.
Oui bien sur.
And I will umpire the match.
Oh.
And I'm French,
so I'm neutral.
Oh no, it won't be that sort of match.
It's all gonna be very friendly.
Oh-ho!
If it's between Greece and Britain,
it's not going to be friendly. Huh.
How can the hypotenuse be shorter than the side?
Does it really matter how long it is?
Yes! Otherwise nothing matters!
Cor, you're only cross because you like Margo
and she doesn't like you back.
(sighs)
Well it's not helping, that's for sure.
Well, all the men Margo likes are foreign.
So you should try acting more foreign.
Foreign?
Well, you know more exotic.
You don't think I look exotic?
Shall I bring you a mirror?
No!
Well, I've been thinking about animals...
What a surprise.
...and what makes them exotic.
And it's often how they move.
For example, a very British animal
like a rabbit moves like this.
(chuckles)
So that's you.
Oh...
Margo might prefer
something more slinky,
like a tiger.
(meek roar)
No, don't roar.
I've just had the best idea.
Oh dear.
About love.
I'm a bit of an expert now Donald's in love with me.
I honestly think he'd cut his ear off for me
like Van Gogh.
Please don't let him do that.
Although a toe could be quite fun.
Anyway, what you have to do is to not tell Vasilia it's over.
Then she won't take revenge on you, or us.
You have to just make her go off you.
Realistically, how can I make her go off me?
Oh, I don't know then.
But she does hate the opposite,
what she calls "men in slippers,"
that mealy-mouthed diffidence the English do so well.
There!
Be like that.
She'll go off you and you'll be free.
Of course an 80-year-old French woman
can't umpire our cricket match.
Why not? She knows the silly rules.
Games can be won or lost on an umpire's decision.
It's perfect, she can favor the Greek team
because they obviously won't be as good as the English.
No, that's not how you play sport!
I don't want this to become tense, Leslie.
As much as I love Hugh, he can be competitive.
(sing-songy): You love Hugh.
No! No!
It's just a turn of phrase.
Stop looking at me like that.
Put Thunder down, Gerry.
There we are.
(sighs)
It turns out that Spiros can't play cricket,
so you'll have to teach him, Leslie.
Well, Theo likes cricket, he can do it.
Theo's away.
(sighs)
You're very quiet, Donald.
Sorry.
Donald's been telling me how his parents were from...
Brazil.
Ah!
Very exotic.
I thought they were from Reading.
Yes, um, the Brazilian quarter of Reading.
Reading has a Brazilian quarter?
It's very small.
But very exotic.
I hear you're very good at cricket, Donald.
Thank you.
I do have a workable googly.
Less of that, missy,
but can I heat you up some warm milk?
I know what you are trying to do.
What?
You are scared of me,
so you want to become English again.
No, this is the real me.
Dull as buggery.
It is charming.
I love you more.
Are you staying with me just to annoy my mother
and make Hugh jealous?
Let's have warm milk together!
(groans)
(flies buzzing)
MARGO: Come in for a swim.
I know you're sweating away under there like a pig.
(quietly): Ugh, please drown.
Borrow one of my costumes.
And even if I were happy to swim,
your costumes are too racy.
When you were trying to look
all young you wore really tight clothing.
LOUISA: Yes, and remember how much you hated that.
(car horn honks)
Leslie, Spiros' here for his cricket coaching.
Come on!
(groans)
(whispering): It'll feel daft.
I should be myself.
No I don't think you should. No, that's going terribly.
You're only doing this for selfish reasons.
Oh, I know.
Now walk like an exotic big cat who's looking for a mate.
Go-- one, two, three...
(exotic accent): Margo!
How is life?
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm amazing.
Now you're frightening me.
(groans)
(falcon screeching)
Come on, Roger.
(screeching)
Hey.
(pelicans squawking)
He's just jealous.
Now Spiros, as captain you will set your field.
You'll need a slip or two, point, gully, third man,
silly mid on... Silly mid on?
Yes, that's where the goat's standing.
(bleats)
Silly mid off is the opposite, the other goats at cover.
So they stand around the grass.
Pitch, yes.
The ball's thrown...
Well, bowled.
And we whack it!
Yes, yes, but you're missing out
on all the little subtleties of the game.
Subtlety is for people with too much spare time.
I go now?
Yes, yes, sorry Luga, don't think we're ready
for actual play are we?
I haven't seen my feet for six weeks.
You know you're wearing odd shoes.
No!
(sighs)
Oh, how amusing.
Well, I try my best.
(chuckling)
And you and Hugh?
As Larry might say:
is it still Sense And Sensibility
or are you edging towards Wuthering Heights?
(chuckling)
Did you not hear the question?
Ah, so, you know everything now?
Yes. You get in, you get out.
You shake it all about.
I've only found six players,
but that's enough to win, huh?
Perhaps we should cancel the match.
No, it is all arranged.
(speaking Greek)
(startles)
(chuckles)
Has it struck you that if Spiros wasn't married,
this would look like an old-fashioned jousting match.
I need to telegram Theo to come back early.
Why? Because without his help,
the Greeks will be thrashed, the British will be hated,
and it will be my fault.
(cries out)
Howzat!
(sighs)
LESLIE: Dropped again.
Quickly! Come on!
Poor!
Do ten press ups!
On your knees!
Sven, where you going?
Mmmm, I was...
Larry, in.
(sighs)
In? Yeah.
Louisa, you have spawned an ogre.
Hm...
Take that one! Ah!
Get your head in the game, Larry!
Well, thank you for playing.
You know it's supposed to be
a celebration of European harmony, don't you?
SVEN: Yes.
Watch this!
See.
It's lovely to see you with your... lodger.
Now switch, different hand.
LOUISA: I'm so happy for you both.
Our story is that Viggo has a woman in Naxos
and a wife back in Trollhättan.
I'm sorry you have to have a story.
Larry!
Ah! (glass shatters)
(woman shouting in Greek)
Do you want to run and get it?
I'll be right there.
Sven.
Huge.
(chuckling)
He knows it's not "Huge," doesn't he?
Yes.
You know the Swedes, can never resist a joke.
(chuckles)
How are you?
All the better for seeing you.
Rather nervous about this cricket.
Oh don't be, it's just a bit of fun.
Catch it! (grunts)
Who's got it! Somebody catch it!
SVEN: Mine! Mine! Mine!
LESLIE: Well done, Sven!
Back in the circle, boys!
Larry!
Henry the First? No.
Geoffrey?
No such king.
Edmund the... Tiny?
You will stay behind till you've learnt
who succeeded William the Conqueror
and all subsequent monarchs.
I know I got it wrong before,
but I really do know how to win Margo over.
Oh?
And what are you going to make me do now,
dance like an elephant?
No, you need to look exotic.
Get a tan.
Margo only agreed to come to Corfu so she could sunbathe.
(falcon screeching in the distance)
Oh, and she loves that tanned film star,
what's his name?
Alan something.
Al Jolson.
(screeching continues) (footsteps approaching)
(excited laugh)
(screeching)
You don't want to kill anything, do you?
You just like company.
(screeching)
Come on...
My turn to be in love.
(squawks)
(men shouting in Greek)
(nickers)
(Spiros speaking in Greek)
(speaking Greek)
(crying out)
(speaking Greek)
SPIROS: Hello, Mrs. Durrells!
Shall I move the horse so you can see better?
Oh, no, no, I-I didn't want to interrupt you.
Don't worry, it's going splendidly.
I think we are like W.C. Grace.
I think it's W.G. Grace.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Spiros, I really think
we ought to call off the match.
No.
(dramatic music playing)
(exhales)
LOUISA: Thank you.
The cavalry.
Mrs. Durrell!
I received your telegram and left my conference at once.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Theo.
Oh no, five days debating the Thermo-cyclops genus's
habitation patterns are more than enough.
And when else will I have the chance
to help a dear friend,
and save Greece's national pride?
(sniffs)
(speaking Greek)
Look away, Mrs. Durrell.
Oh.
(speaking Greek)
(knock on hard surface)
Spiros.
THEO: Lots to do.
(exhales)
Who fried your face?
No, just a touch of sun, you know.
Oh, Donald.
Sit down.
(whispering): I didn't mean do it all in one day.
I used to overdo the sun too,
before I conquered my vanity.
DONALD: Ooh! That's better...
He did it for Margo.
Oh!
What an absolute nitwit.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Durrell.
(men speaking Greek)
(speaking Greek)
Sven! Huge!
Welcome! Thank you.
Viggo. Viggo.
Welcome.
Here we go.
A-ha!
The English secret weapon-- two deep field catchers.
Mascots.
Remind me, which is which?
Pelican and Pelican't.
So, you are playing, Gerry.
Hurrah.
Do you bat or bowl?
No.
No, what's the other one? Field?
Yes, yes, no I don't do that one either.
Theo, I really think our otter's pregnant this time.
That's so exciting!
(laughter, popped cork)
THEO: I'm sorry, Gerry, I fear my team misunderstood
my suggestion that we "warm up."
(shouting in Greek)
HUGH: Let's hear thigh hit hand.
LESLIE: Higher, higher thighs.
Now I want to be treated exactly like everyone else.
No fuss.
Thank you, we have a lot to do.
Though I would like to start with a glass of bubbly.
Whatever's at hand.
Now, I have brought a trophy
which I thought appropriate.
It captures the spirit
of combat.
Sven, bend more at the knees.
Good advice.
Everyone, bend more at the knees as skip says!
Who you cheering for, Greece or England?
Or you just cheering for yourself?
England.
How long we have been together?
Three months.
Yes.
HUGH: Right, Leslie, your turn.
LESLIE: Aye, aye.
Life is short.
Time!
Now, this is a game, not a war by other means.
I agree.
Me too.
We're here to celebrate the fact that we as a family
came here to live and we were welcomed,
and we love and we feel loved
by our Greek hosts.
Heads or tails.
Heads.
My word is final, whether I'm right or wrong.
Put it there.
You will go to prison.
Oh. (chuckling)
(clapping, cheering)
Come on, England!
Everyone walking in.
(speaking Greek)
Line and length Leslie, line and length.
Aye aye, skip.
Play!
(gasps)
(laughing)
(cheering, applause)
Larry! Larry wake up!
Larry!
Yes! (shouting in Greek)
(applause)
Larry, to me.
HUGH: Come on, come on, time's passing.
(falcon screeching)
Cup of tea, Vasilia?
No.
Howzat!
LESLIE: LBW, LB,
come on!
Yes. No!
(shouting in Greek)
On your way mate! On your way!
Yes, it was plumb, goodbye.
That is the last time I treat the British-- and the French!
Get sick!
Die!
HUGH: Sportsmanship!
(speaking Greek)
Well, that's my weekend ruined.
(chuckling)
Such rudeness.
Have my armchair sent on.
Right.
My turn.
(whispering): Wrong end!
What?
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Oh!
I feel like a doctor.
Hello, Mrs. Durrells. Oh hello!
Middle, please.
The middle? Middle of what?
(intense breathing)
(singing the Greek national anthem)
(singing louder)
(gasps)
(cheers and applause)
My car! My car!
You-you did that deliberately.
Why did you sing?
(screeching)
Start off as a predator,
end up as a friend.
(shouting in Greek)
(cheers and applause)
Come on! Come on!
Bowl a bouncer at him.
No, I don't think so, he's too inexperienced.
He cheated.
He's forfeited his right to honorable treatment.
I love this game!
I'm waiting for you!
Wait!
Wait, Hugh!
(cries out)
(shouting)
Step back, step back, step back.
(speaking Greek)
I-I am so sorry.
LESLIE: I mean,
it is normal to bowl to intimidate.
Try telling that to Spiros' wife and children.
(speaking Greek)
Spiros? Spiros?
(softly): I want to kill that son of a bitch.
(laughs)
(groans)
See, that's what happens when you play
with what is basically a rock.
Larry.
I don't want to be with you.
Well, if you're, um...
If you're sure.
Come on everyone, let's-let's not
look like we're at a cantankerous wedding.
Mingle.
Come on, darling, you come and sit with...
sit with Georgios over here.
Here we are!
There's a good boy.
Come on, mingle, everyone.
Ooh, that's better.
And when we return after tea, underarm bowling only!
(chuckles)
(angry grumbling)
(grumbling grows louder)
Listen, I don't know what you're saying
but it sounds quite mean.
Oh, darling.
Oh God, I'm sorry, I'm...
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
(gasps)
Right.
(gasps)
(shouting, singing the Greek national anthem)
I tried so hard to make this a happy day, and you've ruined it!
This is your fault!
(sighs)
DONALD: Henry VIII.
GERRY: Um, Edward VI.
1547 to 1553.
And Richard I?
Succeeded by...
King John, 1199 to... was it 1216?
Well done, Gerry.
I think we're finally getting somewhere.
I think that's the future, Thunder.
Thank you for coming.
I-I didn't want to happen...
I just needed to clear the air.
There's nothing worse than bad air on a small island.
Oh, there is.
The knowledge that you're not with the person you should be.
(sighs)
This is all about Vasilia, and I didn't kiss her,
she kissed me, so you'd see.
You're a congenital bachelor,
let's be friends, it's just as good.
No, you know that's not true.
For months, I-I've fallen asleep
with you brimming in my head,
and woken with you still there.
I-I-I rush to see you
and have to pretend I'm just casually dropping in
because I don't want to frighten you away.
Beware men with silver tongues.
I mean it.
Thanks to you,
I am ten times the man I was when we first met.
So that's how you feel.
Shall I have my go now?
Yes, yes, please.
You are a Prince Charming,
but charm is for
impressionable princesses,
and I'm a rather skeptical widow I'm afraid.
You see, I need soul...
...and heart.
Me too.
That's why we need each other.
Oh, we will be magnificent together.
You're a marvel,
and I will love you
and cherish your children and never leave you.
Please be with me,
and come back with me to live in England.
MARGO: Enough. Play time.
Uh...
Race you to that buoy!
LOUISA: No!
No more competing.
What are you wearing under there?
It's a swimming costume, obviously.
I was merely waiting to find a style that suited me.
Why is Donald looking so attractive?
His sunburn gone brown.
You look positively Mediterranean.
Do I?
I'm... finding you rather attractive.
How superficial are you that you only say that
because I've got a tan?
No.
I am a complex and intelligent person,
and you should like me for that or not at all.
(honks horn)
(whines) SPIROS: Mrs. Durrells,
your missing child.
The prodigal returns.
Time to come home.
Oh, Larry.
It's been... well it's been
actually rather easier without you being here.
(loud splash)
LESLIE: Quickly, come on!
Wait for me!
How's your head?
Oh, the doctor said that I can take it off...
Ah! But I feel like a pirate.
(laughs)
I'm not going to swim.
I'm not sure this is the right style for me.
But believe me when I say,
you would look good swimming in a floppy sack.
(seagulls cawing)
Don't get your hair wet.
(laughter)
(whooping)
The height of fashion in 1910.
(laughing)
Ooh!
In you come!
Well, it looks warmer.
(whooping)
(Louisa squealing, kids cheering)
Why didn't I do this before?
(laughs)
(whooping, laughing)
DONALD: Are you moving back in, Larry?
Yes. I'm afraid I'll need my room.
So you've split up with Vasilia?
Yes.
Larry... (grunts)
I feel like one of those soldiers who prayed
for the end of the war, then can't help missing it.
Ooh, nice tan. Very sexy.
Let's go play cricket.
I want to see that googly.
(grunts loudly)
Bloody hell.
Haven't said how bad I feel.
The cricket was a beautiful idea and I...
Oh, it's fine, really, Spiros.
You're right-- we're all together in this world,
Greeks, English.
Even the Turks.
(chuckles)
Whether you are from Corfu, Bournemouth, Chicago,
or the Indian Ocean like me and my fellow pirates.
(chuckles)
You're very special to me.
Why does Spiros harbor such animosity towards Hugh?
Oh, because he's English, and he seems arrogant.
No, Spiros adores the English,
and he knows Hugh's a good man.
Maybe it's because Spiros loves you?
Utter twaddle. No, sorry.
No, course it is.
♪♪