(PIG GRUNTING)
(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
Do you like it?
It's fine.
Fine?
I didn't marry you for your cooking.
(SCREAMING)
(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
(SPEAKS VIETNAMESE)
Where is it?
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
(MAN SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
It's a miracle!
Praise God!
(STARR SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
Move.
(PIG GRUNTS)
(BOTH SPEAK INDISTINCTLY)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)
(SNIFFS)
Shit.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
(GROANS)
MAN 1: This one's for you, Charlie.
(RETCHES)
MAN 2: Oh, crap.
DOOMSDAY PREACHER: Time is running out!
It won't be long now!
Y'all can try to ignore it.
But it's gonna be hard to ignore when your face is on fire!
It's all about to be over! Over!
Over!
Look for the signs, you sorry sons of bitches.
'Cause shit is about to get real!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
So, no God, no men in white suits, no nothing.
Maybe I was wrong about this place.
Maybe it was a bad idea.
Nope. New Orleans is never a bad idea, all right?
Look, there's more to the city than bloody jazz and almost getting killed.
I think we should just take a break, have some fun. Yeah?
I know Denis knows what I'm talking about. Isn't that right, Denis?
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
(CHUCKLES)
What do you think?
Mmm?
Me? Yeah. I'm up for whatever.
I know just the place.
(GUNSHOT)
ALL: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,
- four, three, two, one! - (GROANS)
(ALL CHEERING)
Yeah!
MEN: Yeah!
TULIP: Hold up, hold up. Excuse me, excuse me.
All you gotta do is get shot and stand up?
Heck, my boyfriend will do that!
What? No. I'm not sure I wanna try.
Oh, come on. It's like a what? Like a bee sting, right?
- (CHUCKLES) - MAN: Yeah.
- Yeah. Like a bee sting. - (ALL CHUCKLE)
JESSE: Excuse me. Hold on now, hold on.
What do you think the good Lord would say about this?
(ONLOOKERS CHUCKLE)
I think He'd say, "Go back to your choirboys,
- "and mind your own business, Preacher." - (ONLOOKERS LAUGH)
Listen to your hearts, men.
Ask yourselves.
Is this really the right thing to do?
(ONLOOKERS MURMUR)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was ladies' night.
Now, I got a bunch of money.
You got a bunch of guns.
So, why don't y'all stop being a bunch of bitches and shoot my boyfriend?
What's your pleasure?
Oh! Um...
The big ones pay more, right?
Okay. So, in that case...
Why not choose the biggest one?
(ALL CHUCKLE)
MAN: The big one.
- The biggest? - If you have such a love for money,
and so little love for life,
why not pick the biggest one they got?
Or maybe it's ladies' night, after all?
I think one of the smaller...
All right. Biggest one it is.
You got it.
(WHISTLES)
Oh, dear God.
You got this, okay?
Remember. Just hold your breath. And I love you.
I love you, too.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Parli d'amore...
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
- All right, gentlemen... - (GUNSHOT)
(ALL EXCLAIM IN SURPRISE)
(GASPS)
Sweetie? Sweetie? Honey?
He's gone.
What?
(SCREAMS) No!
Someone call the police!
You're all witnesses.
I call upon your Christian sense of decency to stand up and give your account.
(CASSIDY GROANS)
Here.
TULIP: You okay?
You kidding me? Open bar. (CHUCKLES)
NEWS ANCHOR ON TV: In new footage from the Nghe An province of Vietnam,
we're witnessing what some are referring to as a miracle,
and what others are dismissing as a simple hoax.
As a local pig has achieved what appears to be...
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
...a form of levitation or "floating." Currently, experts...
Home.
(EXHALES)
I am having fun.
Yeah, that kiss with Cass looked pretty fun.
- Very convincing. - (SCOFFS)
Yeah.
Come on. You'll sleep tonight.
I don't wanna sleep, Jesse.
How many times do I have tell you?
What is your problem?
Ever since the Saint, you've been...
What's your problem, huh?
- Let's go. - Let's just go yourself.
- You can't just... - "You can't just..."
- Repeat everything... - "Repeat everything..."
- I say. - "I say."
(CHUCKLES) That's not a comeback...
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
He's gone, right?
You sent him back to Hell?
He's gone.
Come on. Let's go home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where you going? The night's still young.
We haven't even drank the Armagnac yet.
Bollocks. Sorry about that, Denis. Go on. You were sayin'?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
- Yeah. - I'm happy, too.
All right.
Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.
This man has been trying to tell you that he's very unhappy.
Yeah? And what the hell would you know about it?
I'm a French professor from Tulane.
Oh, right. Could you...
Would you mind, Professor?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Mmm-hmm.
He, and my condolences, says that he is dying.
What?
Congestive heart disease.
He's been telling you that
you've been an awful, selfish, absent father.
He keeps repeating that there's something you could do, though,
that would make it all up to him.
Yeah. (STAMMERS) What is it? I'll do anything.
He says that he wants to live forever.
And he thinks that you can help him do that.
What?
No, no, no. No.
Absolutely, absolutely not.
Do you hear me?
No.
(GROANS)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
He said then, he will die hating you.
Yeah, most people do.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
NEWS ANCHOR:...or, yes, pig.
Meanwhile, media specialists speculate that this may simply be
a viral marketing ploy publicizing an, as yet, unrevealed film
or, perhaps, a weight loss drug.
- (PEOPLE CHATTING INDISTINCTLY) - (BELLS RINGING)
(PIG GRUNTING)
Yes, it's serious.
They're praying to a pig.
This will require resources. Prep the invalid scientist.
Mmm.
(GROANS)
No, no. I expect we'll need an extra 30 operatives
all fully equipped with, uh...
Second thought, never mind.
I have the situation under control.
You missed a spot.
(STAMMERS) I'm so sorry.
Don't worry, little boy.
I was young and careless.
Once.
SALTONSTALL: Klaus Helmut Starr. Born in Hamburg, Germany.
Only child of parents killed in a plane crash,
orphaned at age four.
Currently, Lieutenant Colonel
of Germany's GSG-Nine Elite Anti-Terrorism unit,
where your exploits were...
Numerous.
How was your flight?
I hope you found the hotel accommodating.
I was told there'd be women.
Women?
A high-end brothel staffed entirely by Ukrainian runaways.
There will be women. In time. If that's your desire.
But it's my impression, Herr Starr,
that what you really want
is "to sweep the streets clean of the parasites that befoul our society,
"and create a civilization based on the principles of absolute order
"and uncompromising discipline."
Your words, I believe.
What if I told you
that our organization feels exactly the same way you do?
Like a 10-inch dick, I'd need to see it to believe it.
And maybe you shall.
Tell me...
Are you Christian, Herr Starr?
Does it make a difference?
This is just the first step
in our organization's rigorous screening process.
Only the most deserving
and, yes, pious candidates will be considered.
Then I am very much a Christian.
(LIGHT BUZZES)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
He's one of mine.
(CHOKING)
(GASPS)
(PANTING)
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
(WIND RUSHING)
(BANGING)
(BANGING CONTINUES)
(LIGHTS CLICKING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
(WHISTLING STOPS)
(WIND WHOOSHING)
(WHOOSHING STOPS)
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
(WHISTLING STOPS)
(GASPING)
Shit. Shit.
(GUN COCKS)
Time's up.
(GASPS)
(PANTING)
HARELIK ON TV: Hear me and tremble.
And know the signs of the world to come!
Look for the changes,
for things impossible.
The dying land, the falling sky,
the beasts of the field thrown into confusion...
Hey. How'd you sleep?
I dreamt about him again.
And Cassidy's fingers
falling like French fries on TV.
I'm sorry.
You were late.
I almost didn't make it.
- I know, I... - I mean, if it hadn't been for Cassidy...
I had my hands pretty full myself.
I got back, I stopped him. That's it.
Can't you feel it, Jesse?
Hmm?
That...
That "something's not right" feeling?
No, I can't.
Don't know what to tell you, Tulip.
Where are you goin'?
I'm gonna go and talk to a man about the end of the world.
You wanna come?
'Course you don't.
- Where's Cassidy? - I don't know.
(KNOCKING)
CASSIDY: Hello?
Hello?
(KNOCKING)
Oh, bollocks. Not again.
SALTONSTALL: Today,
you will compete in a series of trials designed to test your abilities.
You have all been selected because you are, simply put, the best.
The strongest,
the smartest,
the most able.
And yet, only one of you
will prove worthy enough to join our ranks.
But before we begin, are there any questions?
Do you validate parking?
(CHUCKLES)
No, we do not.
£12 an hour, and you don't validate.
It's standard policy.
Then it should have been clearly stated, as such, beforehand.
So that I may have found street parking.
Or, more likely, given the failure of this organization to, in any way,
convenience me, not come at all.
Validate his car.
But, Starr,
from here on out, we do the testing.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
He was just a rookie trooper
And he surely shook with fright
He checked all his equipment
And made sure his pack was tight
He had to sit and listen to the awful engines roar
You ain't gonna jump no more...
SALTONSTALL: We've come a long way when it comes to weapons of warfare.
But sometimes, there is no substitution
for hand-to-hand violence.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Gory, gory What a hell of a way to die...
(GRUNTING)
Gory, gory What a hell of a way to die
He ain't gonna jump no more
(SIGHS)
"Is everybody happy?" cried the sergeant looking up...
Starr, you're up.
He jumped into the icy blast His static line unhooked...
I want everyone to know that what is about to transpire,
I take no pleasure in it.
SALTONSTALL: And...
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(GRUNTING)
- (STRAINING) - (GRUNTING)
What the hell are you doing?
What does it look like? I'm self-consummating.
(GROANING)
SALTONSTALL: Very good.
Please, take note that a distraction,
no matter how unseemly,
can very often be the thing that turns the tide in your favor.
(GROANING)
SALTONSTALL: Since the days of Cleopatra,
sexuality has been a weapon deployed to gain leverage.
This is the art of seduction.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
I know we come from different sides.
But I think... No, I know, we can put all that behind us.
We can make something beautiful and new.
All you have to do
is meet me at the train station with the microfiche.
And time.
(CHUCKLES)
Ooh. Um...
Anyone know where I can get a copy of that microfiche?
- (ALL LAUGH) - Yes.
Very good indeed.
Starr.
(CLEARS THROAT)
And, go.
I told you already, Mr. Peterson.
The answer is no.
I shouldn't even be meeting you right now.
Give me the microfiche, you bitch, or I'll kill you and your family.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (SCREAMING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GROANING)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
(ELECTRICITY CONTINUES CRACKLING)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
SALTONSTALL: Two final candidates.
One last opportunity to prove your worth.
Proceed.
(GUNSHOTS ECHO)
Gory, gory What a hell of a way to die
He ain't gonna jump no more...
Good luck.
Gory, gory What a hell of a way to die
(BODY THUDS)
He ain't gonna jump no more
Welcome to the Grail.
The Grail?
Please, Herr Starr, have a seat.
For over 2,000 years,
this organization has been at the very heart of world affairs.
What do you think is the source of our enduring power?
I would imagine a combination of economic influence
and sexual blackmail.
Some, of course.
But the true inspiration
of our authority is...
(WHIRRING)
Christ.
Hmm.
You seem disappointed.
I was hoping for something more in the vein of atomic warfare.
Not myths and legends.
This is no myth. Christ lives on.
Yes, yes. He lives in our hearts.
No, Herr Starr.
Christ lives in a top secret location guarded by machine guns.
Does he?
Yes.
You see, before he sacrificed himself for our sins,
our Lord
gave a final gift to humanity.
He fathered a child.
For generations, the Grail has protected this holy lineage
in preparation for one event.
The end of the world.
Only God knows exactly when, but it will be soon.
We have been assured from sources at the highest levels.
And the Grail will be ready.
And at the exact moment that hope is abandoned,
our savior will reveal himself to the frightened masses.
Ingenious.
The world on its knees, begging for direction,
like the ugly girl at a gangbang.
Your uniform.
Some of the men find it a bit flamboyant.
It's spectacular.
May I ask, what would be my specific role in all this?
The Samson unit of the Grail handles the false prophets.
Contenders to Christ's throne.
Our job is to rid the world of their competing narratives.
Charlemagne, Lincoln, Belushi, you name it.
You will be my right-hand man.
- The Grail killed Abraham Lincoln? - Mmm.
Yes, we did.
And why did we do that?
He preserved the union,
won the war, sense of humor.
His polling was probably through the roof.
(CHUCKLES)
Something tells me
you're going to do great things here, Herr Starr.
Thank you for this opportunity.
(SCREAMS)
(CRASHING)
- (TIRES SCREECH) - (DISTANT SCREAMING)
- (HORNS HONKING) - (DISTANT CLAMORING)
(WHIRRING)
DOOMSDAY PREACHER: Blood, people! Blood and brains!
And people screaming until their lungs hurt!
That's how bad it's gonna be. That is what's comin'!
So, watch your asses.
I'm takin' five. Don't forget the beer bucket.
Ah, Father, I noticed you standing there.
Always good to see a fellow soldier for the Lord.
Question for you.
Hit me.
Are you crazy or just a con man?
Are those my only two choices?
'Cause I normally describe myself
as a left-handed, alcoholic, sinner child of God.
I don't mean to insult you.
It's just... I've been wondering about the end of the world.
Well...
Buy me a beer. We'll wonder together.
Sorry again about the confusion.
Ever since the carts started operating in tandem,
- you'd be surprised how much this happens. - Mmm-hmm.
I'm used to it.
Alcohol and a lack of vital signs will do it to you every time.
(WOMAN CRYING)
Oh...
Poor people.
I'd rather be them than him.
Yeah.
(WOMAN CONTINUES CRYING)
(SNORING SOFTLY)
ALL: Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four...
(CLEARING THROAT)
I'm real sorry about your boyfriend, ma'am. Terrible loss.
Y'all should be sorry.
We robbed you assholes blind.
That wasn't my boyfriend, and he wasn't dead.
We came in here, played y'all for the idiots y'all are,
(ONLOOKERS MURMURING)
took your money, and drank your beer.
So, put your goddamn hats back on.
And tell me which one of you banjo diddlin' little bitches
has got the balls to earn your money back?
(ALL CHEERING)
(GUN COCKS)
ALL: Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four...
(PANTING)
Again.
(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)
So, the world's ending, huh?
Mmm-hmm.
Why?
What makes you say that?
Common sense.
Science.
The world's been ending since it started.
That's not an answer.
What's the question?
What are you looking for? Proof?
Well, that's what you're advertising here, right?
Signs of the apocalypse and all that.
Ah...
That's mostly just metaphor.
I hear things, I see things.
People come up to me, they say all sorts of crazy stuff.
And there has been an uptake ever since Tom Cruise exploded.
No question.
The Cubs winning. Trump.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES) This flying pig.
That's real Wrath of God stuff, right?
But sooner or later, there's always an explanation.
Strong pitchin',
KGB interference, whatever.
In the end, there's always a good reason.
So, you're just out here scarin' people. For money.
They are already scared.
They come listen to me talk about the end of the world,
so they can worry about that instead of what really scares 'em.
Which is what?
Themselves.
What is more frightening than who we are and what we done?
Well, I have got car payments, and a drinking problem.
So, I should probably get back to it.
- Hey. - (GRUNTS)
You hear about this whole fractional soul-selling thing?
The Japanese, sure.
This parishioner came to me about it.
Just thinkin' about selling a small amount of his, you know?
Of course I said, "No way."
This guy was in quite a tough situation,
friends were in trouble, needed help.
So, by selling off this small part of his soul,
and I mean, just tiny, like, 1%.
I thought, maybe it was a sacrifice worth making, you know?
I would tell your parishioner that if he wants to help his friends,
he should give a kidney.
And if you're looking for signs of the apocalypse,
I would start with men selling off their souls.
The situation has been handled.
Where to next?
MAN: New Orleans, sir.
And the target?
A preacher, Jesse Custer.
I'm on my way.
SCIENTIST ON TV: (THROUGH VOICE SYNTHESIZER) The water was highly toxic.
INTERVIEWER ON TV: I'm sorry, but would you mind explaining it again?
SCIENTIST: The water killed the whole village, made the pig float.
INTERVIEWER: The water made the pig float?
How could contaminated water produce such an unusual effect?
SCIENTIST: It was saturated with hydrogen atoms,
permeated the pig's tissue,
resulted in limited levitation, like a meat balloon.
INTERVIEWER: Meat balloon?
SCIENTIST: Meat balloon.
INTERVIEWER: It just seems so incredible...
SCIENTIST: Remind me. Are you a scientist?
INTERVIEWER: No.
SCIENTIST: Well, then shut up.
(MUSIC PLAYING)