(COUPLE MOANING)
Oh, God. Oh, Jesus! I'm really, really close.
Oh, God! Oh, that's so hot.
HOUSEWIFE: Could you just stick your finger in my...
Like this?
- Yes. Oh, yeah. - (MOANS)
Don't stop. (STUTTERING) Don't stop.
(MOANING LOUDLY)
I... (SHUSHING)
Did you hear that noise? Outside.
(SIGHS) You're so jumpy.
I told you, my husband's not gonna be back till Sunday.
- (SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) - (BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
- (HOUSEWIFE MOANING) - (POT CLATTERS)
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
(MOANING LOUDLY)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
(GRUNTING)
HIPPIE: Oh, my God!
(HOUSEWIFE MOANS LOUDLY)
HOUSEWIFE: Jesus! Oh, my...
(BOTH MOANING LOUDLY)
Oh, my God!
(SHOUTS)
(MOANS)
(BOTH PANTING)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
You know I never really do this.
- Me neither. - (CHUCKLES)
Come on.
For real.
You're the only one.
Like, ever?
That's crazy.
You could've had any girl you wanted.
I wanted you.
I wanted you, too.
Since the first moment I saw you in the market,
hanging out with your friends,
I knew you were special.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
What kind of trees are those?
WOMAN: Olive.
It's like I never saw them before.
I've got to go.
You won't stay for supper?
I already ate.
Oh. Okay.
Oh, no. It's... It's not like that.
I just have to do something
for my dad.
In the middle of the night?
I made him a promise.
(SIGHS)
Tonight meant a lot to me.
And no matter what happens,
I want you to remember one thing.
I love you.
What? (STAMMERS) You...
And also, you can never, ever tell anyone about this.
Cool?
Cool.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
JOHN THE APOSTLE: Jesus? Jesus, are you in there?
(WHISPERS) Stay right there.
(CLEARS THROAT)
What's up, guys?
Where the hell have you been?
We've been worried sick.
You said you were going to the garden to pray.
Yeah, I was in the garden.
You guys were passed out, so I came here
to bless this ailing woman.
(COUGHING WEAKLY)
JOHN THE APOSTLE: The chief priests are on the warpath. We've got to move.
- JESUS: Chill, bro. - No, I will not chill.
They want to kill you, man.
JESUS: Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
JOHN THE APOSTLE: The hell does that even mean, man?
JESUS: You'll understand. Someday.
JOHN THE APOSTLE: Come on.
Judas is meeting us at midnight with the getaway donkeys.
It's been real.
Don't worry, my dear. Your secret is safe with me.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Yes.
I am the man who ordered the hit on your little band of ne'er-do-wells.
But circumstances intervened, and I changed my mind.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
I'm not here to kill you.
You have questions.
I have answers.
These portfolios contain classified information
on the worldwide conglomerate known as the Grail.
Yes, we hold monopolies in 113 countries,
but we also have a hand in agencies of a more divine authority.
Are you blind, boy?
Uh, no.
Would you like to be?
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(SIGHS) Where were we?
You were implying
that your organization works with Heaven.
Hand in glove for two millennia.
Then you can tell me, where is God?
Good question. "No idea," is the short answer.
That's the long answer as well.
What I do know is you won't find Him alone.
I have resources. I can help.
So, if you'll take a look here at some of our holdings...
(GRUNTING)
I said... (IN DEEP VOICE) Where's God?
I don't know.
(CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY)
(SIGHS) Your power is inspiring.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Then tell me why I shouldn't inspire it
to ram this down your throat?
Because, Preacher Custer, you need me.
Pie charts, spreadsheets.
What do you have that I need?
(SIGHS)
Did you know that God was last seen here
in New Orleans?
(SNIFFLES)
Yes, I had that feeling.
We knew for a fact.
We were alerted the moment He went missing.
Came straightaway. Implemented a cover-up.
The tape.
You hired Mark Harelik.
You were the ones that killed him.
I'm offering you access to our power.
Information. Reach.
Tell me you're not intrigued.
On second thought,
you're not really a three-ring-binder kind of man. Are you?
Yes. Durando?
Let them know we're coming in.
Let's go.
(SIGHS)
I'm not wearing that.
Then I'm afraid the journey ends here.
You see, we don't trust you, either.
(TULIP WHIMPERING)
- (GUNSHOT) - (GASPS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Damn it. Damn it! God damn it!
(EXHALES)
(LOUD MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)
(WOMAN GIGGLING)
Hey! You're awake. You feeling any better?
Yeah. What's going on?
Oh, yeah, right. That's April.
It's an early birthday gift for the boy. I have...
I've missed, like, the last 83 or something.
So I just... I splurged. You know what I mean?
Um, have you seen Jesse?
He's not banging on me door complaining about the noise,
so he's out, I guess.
Do you want us to turn the music down?
No, no. That's not what I...
Check this out. Got it down at Circuit Works this morning.
Denis, turn the music down.
(AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE IN FRENCH)
Honestly, that kid, he's gonna put me in an early grave.
Or a late one. (LAUGHS)
Um, did he say where he was going or...
No. No. Why? What's up? Are you all right?
Excuse me.
Hello.
I didn't want Denis to feel self-conscious.
Do you wanna hang? We're about to play Twister.
No.
Um, you know what? I'm gonna make us breakfast.
Great. All right.
We'll twist up an appetite.
- Okay. - All right, then.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah.
Make breakfast.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hi. - Hey.
So, breakfast for lunch?
Oh, yeah. Was cooking.
So, yeah, hey, um... I was just wondering about my gun.
Oh, I'm sorry. I was gonna bring it over later.
It's all right. Do you still need it?
No, no. I'll go get it.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Also,
it sort of went off.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Anyway, but I can pay you for the bullet.
No. You know what? It's okay.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Oh.
Okay.
As long as you're okay.
Are you okay?
I'm okay.
Are you sure?
I'm sure. I'm okay.
Think you lost an egg.
What?
No, 'cause I...
I did...
No, don't do that. You don't...
I...
(SNIFFLES)
Thank you.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(ALARM BUZZES)
Check your pockets, please.
(ALARM BUZZES)
Piercings?
No.
Sir.
Are you ready?
(CLEARS THROAT) Good afternoon.
Jesse, meet His Holiness, the Pope, Bishop of Rome,
and the Right Honorable Lord Archbishop of Canterbury.
Gentlemen, Jesse Custer.
Nice to meet you.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
So it was, like, Annville, and then we're looking for God.
And then Viktor and then all the stuff with the Saint.
I'm confused. How did you get rid of him?
Well, we got him a soul,
and then, uh, Jesse sent him to Hell with his mind power.
Oh.
Well, I mean, that's good, right? He handled it.
Yeah, it is good.
But?
I just got this feeling.
That something's not right.
- Yeah. - Well, I mean...
If Jesse said that he handled it...
Did you see him send the Saint to Hell?
- No, but... - But he said that he did?
That's what he told you?
- Yeah. - Hmm...
Wonder what could be not right about that?
Who knows? I mean, it's just a feeling. You know? (SCOFFS)
Maybe I'm going crazy.
No.
Mmm-mmm.
- I told you about my ex, right? - Mmm-hmm.
Rodney had a drinking problem,
and I told him he had to quit,
and he swore to me that he did.
But I just... I had this feeling,
you know, this suspicion that he was lying, and it wouldn't go away.
(CHUCKLES) I thought I was nuts.
Then, one day, I found a fifth of vodka in his jacket pocket.
Even though I loved him,
I had to finally wise up and leave him.
I'm just saying, usually, if something feels wrong, it is wrong.
And you are not crazy.
Hmm...
WOMAN: What are you doing? No!
Get away from me!
- Tickle. - CASSIDY: Go easy.
Okay, be careful.
Poke a bloody eye out. Honest to God. Hello, new person.
My friend Jenny.
Hello, friend Jenny. How you doing?
Listen, we're gonna give breakfast a miss.
He's been cooped up all day. We're gonna go out.
Let off some steam, all right?
Cool.
You gonna be all right?
We'll be fine.
All right. Denis, leave her alone. She doesn't like it.
Okay. You're too rough. You're hurting my wrist!
(DOOR CLOSES)
That was Cassidy.
And company. (CHUCKLES)
He's cute.
- Really? - Oh, my God. Don't you think?
No.
So charming and damaged.
And so bony.
He is bony.
That's how I like them. All elbows and Adam's apples.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
That's funny.
God is missing. You know where He is?
Preacher Custer is with me.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Are you sure you want to know?
Some things cannot be unheard.
(SIGHS)
The Seraphim.
A traitorous cabal of angels,
jealous of God's authority,
have rebelled against Him.
They betrayed our Lord,
and now He's on the run.
And it's up to us to keep Him safe.
(SCOFFS) Give me a break.
What was that?
I said, give me a break.
- It's true. - THE POPE: It's not remotely true.
There is no coup. God is not on the lam.
He's simply moved on.
The dinosaurs failed him. And now, mankind has.
He's gone to make a new creation.
Something more loving. More just.
More divine.
So tell us, what are some features of this new creation?
The new species will be tall.
My sources say 10 foot or more,
with the prowess of a lion, the flight of an eagle,
and the honey badger's sense of smell.
Honey badger?
Do you hear yourself right now?
Do you? God on the run like a common criminal?
Give me a break.
So, no one knows where God is.
Clearly, we do not.
The boy.
He knows. He has to.
ARCHBISHOP: It's time for him to lead.
All right, that's enough.
Gentlemen.
Thank you for coming by, saying hello.
You see?
The greatest minds in the world, and we still can't find God.
But with our resources and your power...
Who is "the boy"?
I'm sorry?
"The boy. He knows. It's time for him to lead."
Who is "the boy"?
You weren't supposed to hear that.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Tell me.
He's the Messiah.
Praise to the Lord, the Almighty
The King of Creation
O my soul, praise He
(CRYING)
For He is our health and salvation
All ye who hear
Now to the temple draw near
Join in glad adoration
(BABY CRYING LOUDLY)
(THADDEUS SHUSHING)
THADDEUS: There, there. Don't cry, little one.
Your father died for a great cause,
but we will protect you.
And when the time comes,
your bloodline shall ascend and restore order.
- BOTH: Amen. - Amen.
Can I hold him?
(GROANS)
- (MIDWIFE PUNCHING) - (HEAD SQUELCHING)
STARR: And Thaddeus kept his promise to the child.
And since then, the Grail has protected Christ's lineage
in preparation for one thing, the end of the world.
And at the moment that hope is abandoned,
our Savior will reveal Himself to the frightened masses.
End of speech.
So what you're saying is,
you have Jesus, and he's gonna run the world.
We have his 25th great-grandson, but, yes, that's the plan.
And this boy, does he know where God is?
He hasn't said.
Why not?
The Messiah can sometimes be a bit
unforthcoming.
- Take me to him. - Absolutely not.
Very few people even know of his existence, let alone...
(IN DEEP VOICE) Take me to him.
Okay.
So to change gear, put your left hand, all right?
And then just squeeze back on the throttle.
- Like this? - Yeah.
- And try not to crash, and that's it. - Okay.
Oh, my God, you're like a sexy Evel Knievel.
(CHUCKLES) Who's that?
What the bloody hell do you mean, "Who's that?" Evel Knievel!
SEPTEMBER: No, I don't know who it is.
WOMAN: What are you doing?
Stop looking at me like that.
What are you doing?
Get off of me! Stop it!
Stop! Someone help!
Let's get out of here! Now!
What's going on? What's up?
- ELECTRONIC VOICE: Game over. - (GAME POWERS DOWN)
(SIGHS)
What the hell just happened there?
(FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE IN FRENCH)
All right, son, look. Listen to me. Your body's changed.
And you've got a boat-load of feelings rushing in, all right?
New appetites. And it's normal.
But some of these appetites,
and you know the ones I'm talking about, you just...
You can't ever act on them.
Ever. Do you understand?
(FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE CONTINUES IN FRENCH)
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
JENNY: Gosh. How'd you get so good at video games?
- My parents died. - Oh.
Yeah, I was put in a home when I was nine.
Assholes liked the government checks, but hated the kids, so...
They put you in front of the TV.
Pretty much.
(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)
ELECTRONIC VOICE: You're a rock star!
Your go.
Nah, you go again.
No, you have to play.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
This is hard.
- No, you'll get it. - (CHUCKLES)
You're really lucky, you know.
You've had such an awesome life.
Like, acting in LA, robbing banks in Dallas, looking for God...
You're a survivor.
And you get to do it all with someone you love and trust.
I've never had that.
- ELECTRONIC VOICE: Game over. - (SIGHS)
I never told you about Dallas.
What?
"Robbing banks in Dallas."
I never told you that.
Yeah. Yeah, you did. At breakfast.
Maybe you just forgot.
You were pretty upset.
Yeah. Yeah, I was. I was crying like a little baby, huh?
(CHUCKLES) No. You're good.
Okay, hit me.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Where's the bathroom?
In the hall.
Wrong way.
Thanks.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Go for Hoover.
Listen carefully. I need your help.
- Oh. Hey. - Who are you?
What do you mean? I'm Jenny.
I didn't say anything about Dallas. I know I didn't.
Well, how else would I know about it?
Right. That's why I'm asking.
(STAMMERS) Yeah, I'm confused. You tell me.
No, you tell me, 'cause you seem to know a whole lot.
Tell me again why you got that gun?
'Cause of Rodney. Like I said...
There is no Rodney.
Who are you?
Honey, stop. You're scaring me, okay?
You sound kind of crazy.
You listen to me.
You got three seconds to come clean,
or I will show you a whole world of crazy.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
MAN: Jenny? Jenny, open up!
(SHUDDERING) Oh, God. Oh, God.
MAN: Jenny!
Stay here. I'll take care of it.
MAN: Jenny! Jenny!
Jenny, open up!
What are you doing here? And stop yelling.
The neighbors are gonna hear you.
Jenny, you've got to come home. I'm sorry.
You're drunk. Again.
- I'm not. Okay? No. No, I'm not. - Yes.
Slow down, sweetie. Come on. Look at you.
- I said I'm not drunk! - (GROANS)
You see what you make me do.
You see what you make me do!
(GRUNTS)
(MAN GROANS)
Wait, wait, wait. Stop.
Give me a turn.
(GRUNTING)
Time to go, Rodney.
(COUGHS)
(PANTING)
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHING)
JENNY: You think I broke his rib?
Well, something cracked.
I think I broke it.
God! I just... I never fought back before, you know?
I feel so good.
Good.
Your tile's broken.
Everything's broken.
This whole building's a booby trap. Hold still.
Sorry.
You should fix it. You're handy.
Yeah. I am.
Where are we going? Is he close?
No.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
MAN: Herr Starr. What a surprise!
The Allfather didn't tell us to expect you.
STARR: It's a pleasant surprise.
MAN: (STAMMERS) Yes, sir.
STARR: Take us to him.
- MAN: But... - Now.
(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)
STARR: Is he accepting an audience?
WOMAN: Yes. He just had a bath.
STARR: Leave us.
(DOOR OPENS)
Jesse, this is the Christ Child.
The holy bloodline. Our most precious figurehead.
(SIGHS) The Messiah.
STARR: Look upon him.
JESSE: I...
I don't know what to say.
I'm just a humble...
This power, I think I've been given it to find your Father. God.
Tell me. Am I on the right path?
All I ever wanted was to serve you.
Please.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't even know what to call you.
We call him
Humperdoo.
You call him...
(YELPS)
Ah.
He likes you.
Hello. Nice to meet yous.
Is so happy to see yous.
Who the hell is this?
I told you. This is the Messiah.
Humperdoo.
Humperdoo? I Humperdoo.
STARR: That's right.
(CHUCKLES) I Humperdoo.
Good boy.
(CHUCKLING)
Pee-pee?
Very good, my Lord.
(LAUGHING)
Yes, come say hello.
(GIGGLING)
HUMPERDOO: Shiny.
STARR: Yes, it's my head.
- HUMPERDOO: Humperdoo like shiny. - Thank you, Messiah.
- Your amusement humbles me. - Humperdoo like shiny!
Now, now. All right.
Shiny. Shiny. Humperdoo like shiny.
STARR: Let's not become too pleased, shall we?
- Yes. Now, calm yourself. - (MOANING)
He's in one of his agitated states. We should leave before he discharges.
Where is He?
(IN DEEP VOICE) Where's God?
(CRYING)
(SHRIEKING)
STARR: Guards.
(SHUSHING)
I know. You're tired.
Time for a nap.
- CASSIDY: Hey. - Hey.
Me and Denis have just been here. Check this out.
- Pretty good, right? - Hmm.
What's it mean?
What do you mean, "What does it mean?" It's a bloody bird.
Yep. No doubt about that.
It's better than Denis's.
He got a picture of Shemp, from The Three Stooges.
(LAUGHS AND SNORTS)
Shemp. Christ's sake.
- Where is he? - I don't know.
I don't know, actually. He was... He wanted some alone time. It's...
You know, it's perfectly natural, I suppose.
Do you wanna get stoned and play Rock It?
- Sure. - Awesome.
But we only got drums.
F.J.: She go for it?
Not yet.
That junkie freak show pulled her off to play video games.
(GROANING)
You sound like a woman.
God, I wish I could have killed her.
- Boss said not to. - I know he said not to.
That's why she's still alive.
Why did he say that?
Not our job to ask why. All we have to do is...
- Break them up. - Exactly.
Yeah, well, this should do it.
So that's...
He's the one that's gonna rule the world?
Look, like with any royal family or Maltese puppy,
problems with inbreeding are to be expected.
You can't help me find God. You never could.
I never said I could help you find God.
I said I could help you.
What are you talking about?
I was sodomized the other day.
Forced against my will.
A trio of local ruffians came to my office, bent me over, and... (SIGHS)
Never mind.
The point is, while it was happening,
I thought of you. Your power.
I've been head of the Samson unit for over 13 years.
I thought I was working for order,
working to make a cleaner world out of this shit-stained universe.
Truth is,
I've wasted my life serving someone who cannot rule.
I became disillusioned.
What alternative did I have?
Until now.
I'm talking about you, Jesse Custer.
You wanted me to use the Word.
You wanted me to meet the Messiah. That was your plan all along.
God is gone.
And nature abhors a vacuum.
Sooner or later, someone will fill it.
So I ask you,
why go on looking for God when you can just
be Him?
That is blasphemy.
Semantics.
Listen to me, you circle-jerking freak.
There is only one true God.
And I will find Him.
Well, you can't find Him alone.
Surely you've learned that by now.
I'm not alone. I have friends.
Do you?
Yes, I do. And they're helping me.
Are they?
Bonjour.
Anyway, think about it.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)