I don't think I can do this again.
You can if you resist, Eugene.
Show the machine you don't belong here, and the secret door will open.
Resist.
Eugene, nein.
What the heck?
Ew.
No!
That's right. Resist the pattern, Eugene.
You can kiss me if you want to.
Don't do it, Eugene.
I'm good.
You don't want to?
You? Eugene Root? You're too good for me?
No, no. I didn't mean that. No, wait!
Kiss me. Please.
I'm begging you.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
If I kiss you, you kill yourself.
If I don't kiss you, you kill yourself.
We're friends, Tracy. I just want you to be okay.
We're friends.
That's all I wanted to hear. Thank you.
That should open the secret...
You still like me, though, right?
Like, "like me," like me?
Yeah, of course.
I can tell.
Show me.
- Tracy... - Come on, Eugene.
You said we're friends.
Show me.
Ew.
That was, like... Ugh.
Feel like my eyes are gonna barf.
Do you like my hair like this?
You know what, Tracy?
You're mean.
What?
Yeah, you're mean and conceited, and you use people.
You are not a nice person.
No, you're not a nice person!
God! I cannot believe you'd say this to me right now.
I'm gonna kill myself, and it's going to be your fault.
No. It won't.
Tracy, if you're so shallow
that you need to commit suicide
to get people's attention, go ahead.
But it'll be your fault, not mine.
Let's get out of here.
Damn it. What else?
Who the hell is that?
Troop Leader Pedro?
Haven't thought about you in years.
Remember when we went on that camping trip?
We went into the woods to collect firewood,
and I told you "Never touch me again"?
I meant it.
Ja, good boy. That should do it.
I don't understand.
Well, who else is there?
Unless...
Dad?
Look at what you did, Eugene.
Look at what you did to your Mom...
...and to me.
I'm so sorry.
What can I do? How can I fix it?
You can finish the job.
Finish the job!
No.
I'm just a kid.
I got scared and I messed up, but I'm still just a kid.
I'm sorry that you're sad, but I'm not gonna shoot myself,
and I'm not gonna apologize for being your son.
Come here.
I love you.
I should've always said that.
I love you, too, Dad.
Yes!
Get on your knees.
Drop it. Disarm.
The gun. Saber.
Let's go for a drive.
Preacher!
A cop-killing, child-murdering son of a bitch
trying to make his way through the Pearly Gates?
You really think there's a place for you in Heaven?
Up there with your wife and child?
Living in peace for all eternity?
No.
I'll tell you where you belong.
You've ignored your soul for too long.
No more killing. No more drinking.
Your soul is where your goodness lies.
The goodness I know is there.
Then we'll be together in Heaven, for all eternity.
Preacher.
Welcome, my son. Get on your knees.
Do not be deceived.
God is not mocked,
for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
And let us not grow weary of doing good...
...doing good.
For, in due season, we will reap, if we do not give up.
Amen.
Mommy, do I have to eat beets?
Yes, my angel. Beets help us grow.
Can't I eat something else to help me grow?
Like what?
Apple pie?
Here. This will help.
How's your milk?
It's good.
Daddy doesn't mean it.
- You callin' me a fibber? - Uh-huh.
- Here. - No.
- No one puts salt in their... - Hold on. Let's see.
Even better.
God damn!
Uh...
Hello in there.
Uh, sorry about the traffic.
I shouldn't have taken the interstate, but, anyway...
How are you?
My name is F.J. Hoover.
Second Lieutenant of the Grail organization.
I wanna welcome you to our, uh, custody.
We know what you want.
As you know, Heaven's probably not gonna happen,
but we can give you the next best thing.
All you have to do is work with us.
So, think about it.
Take the horse, keep to your affairs.
Come back to us.
Your soul is where your goodness lies.
Hey, mister! Hey!
We're headed to Ratwater!
Your soul is where your goodness lies.
The goodness I know is there.
Hey, mister.
No.
No more killing, no more drinking.
Then we'll be together in Heaven, for all eternity.
You've gotten weaker.
You know you have.
You really should consider our offer.
We just wanna make you strong again. It is a win-win situation.
After all,
what more do you have to lose?
Okay, good.
I'm glad we could reach this understanding.
Now, just do what you do.
Made up your mind?
Whiskey.
Where you from?
Texas.
Heard of it.
Well, what brings you to New Orleans?
I'm here to kill a man.
What are you doing in me room, son?
Get out.
It's okay, Banjo. You're safe with me.
You all right?
There's a finger under the stove.
Oh, yeah.
So, when do you think he's coming back?
Will you stop asking me that?
I don't care if Jesse's coming back, okay?
- And neither should you. - Don't snap at me.
You've not cornered the market on being pissed off, all right?
I'm just as angry as you are, you can trust in that.
I mean, who put him in charge?
Well, not me. I always thought I was in charge.
What?
- Nothin'. - No, go on.
Oh, please, you're, like, third in charge.
Third? There's no way.
Figure it out, Cass.
- You ain't in charge of me... - I never said I was.
- ...or Jesse. - Well, come on.
Third's a bleedin' joke. It's insulting.
Math is what it is.
I'll have you know, I'm in charge
of a whole heap of people, actually.
- Oh, really? - Mmm-hmm.
- Like who? - Like, Little Banjo.
- This is worse than waterboarding. - Not a person.
- Denis. - Doesn't listen to you.
And we're working on that!
I hardly think that's fair.
Status report.
I'm not third!
He's on his way.
All right. All right. So, let's just say,
for the sake of argument, that you're left in charge.
What's your bright idea for us, then? Curious to hear it.
On a serious note, what do we do?
'Cause I'm starting to worry about it.
Well...
We go to Bimini as planned.
What, just the two of us?
Yeah.
Alone?
Sure.
I guess so. Why not?
No reason.
He'll come back. He always comes back.
Not always.
Oh!
Here he is.
Hey, Cass.
- Hey. - Hi.
We were just wonderin' about you.
You were wondering.
Yeah. You were just starin' at me finger on the floor.
I wasn't staring at it, Cassidy. I was noticing it.
Noticing the floor finger without a wonder in the world.
Well, you find Him?
I don't wanna talk about God right now.
Does anyone here have a drink?
Now, that. That's bloody leadership.
I got a potation in me room, it's just ripe.
I think you're gonna love it. Come on.
A what?
Hey, save some for me, you wet brains!
"Potation."
Preacher.
No.
Weapons.
Rio.
You leave 'em alone!
That's a pretty farfetched theory, Cass, even for you.
I'm telling you, mate, if you watch that movie again, you'll see.
Tyler Durden does exist.
You're telling me the twist of Fight Club is
there is no twist?
- Exactly! - How do you figure that?
Well, because nobody listens to ugly people, Padre, right?
You know, if you're gonna inspire an anti-materialistic organization
with worldwide designs on erasing global debt,
you gotta look like Brad Pitt.
I'll give you that.
I wouldn't exactly call Edward Norton ugly.
The Netherlands are the leading consumers in the foreskin market.
I'll give you 10 to one.
They buy so much at a time, half goes to waste.
So they've started sneaking the excess into toothpaste
and baby formula.
Like how Brad Pitt, how he sells the fat lady soap to rich ladies.
No, I mean Brad Pitt, because he does exist.
Look, the point is,
what I'm trying to say is that the Netherlands are like this...
Okay?
Someone's gotta stop 'em.
Come on, Cass. That can't be true.
Widespread reports. Substantiated reports about it.
Well, if it makes it taste better, then what's the harm in it?
It's foreskin into baby formula.
It's bloody cannibalism, are you jokin'?
Try some of this.
It's me reserve stock, that's what I call it.
Have a go of that. I think you'll find that... Oh, shite!
Bollocks.
What is it? Battery acid?
Just try it.
What? Too much Neosporin?
- Can we get a beer now? - Yeah, all right.
Tulip, get your man a six pack!
That's odd. She normally hops right to that.
I'll go gather some suds.
Where's Tulip?
Not here for her.
So, shall I ask you to beg,
or should I make you?
I was merciful last time, not sending you back to where you belong.
No, you were chicken shit.
Didn't want your soul in Hell.
Get on your knees.
Didn't hear you, Preacher.
- Get... - Come here, you shite!
He's gonna kill him.
Not yet. He's taking his time.
Get away from him, you asshole!
Stop.
Hey!
You're not here for her.
That's right, Preacher.
I'm here for you.
Time to get on your knees.
I met a man once.
A bar, a town where I had some business.
He sat down and talked at me about scalpin' heads.
Comanche, mostly. Out there on the Colorado.
They were his business.
The noise their heads would make.
That's what he talked most about.
The noise was his main concern.
He tried describing it to me.
"Like a wet sheet torn to pieces."
Only not.
Only different.
He'd been at this business for so long,
the man allowed that he'd fallen into
a captivation over it over the years.
Sittin' in church, or laying in his bed at night,
he couldn't stop turnin' it over in his mind.
The noise was all he loved.
I shot him dead with all the rest.
But I've been curious about his noise ever since.
So, go ahead.
But then you're never gonna see Heaven.
Like you said, things I done,
I was never gonna, anyway.
There ain't no such thing as never.
Any man can change himself.
I tried to.
But it's a lie.
William, that's enough.
Time to go back.
Never.
It's up to you.
But your hell is empty and must be filled with someone.
Like your wife, or your daughter.
You can't do that.
God's gone. Who's going to stop me?
And what about the Preacher?
Leave him. Those are my orders.
Another time.
You're lucky to have a man like Herr Starr looking out for you.
He has my soul.
Sorry to hear it.
Padre?
Little help here, please?
- I'll meet you there. - No, no. Listen, listen.
Someone needs to stay with Denis, warm him up some medicine.
Oh, and keep an eye on Little Banjo, will you?
Why you going to the hospital, anyway?
Blood run. I'm running low.
Right.
I'm sorry.
I thought I could stop him. I really did.
But that son of a bitch punched me in the throat and I...
Good thing I was there.
Sounds like you really saved the day.
Shut up, Cass.
Look, whatever, okay?
It all worked out in the end.
Thank you both for coming.
I'll dive right in, while you take a moment
to adjust and acclimate yourselves.
My name is Herr Starr.
My God, you're unattractive.
I'm sorry, I just...
I saw his face and I just had the thought.
Said it out loud.
Jesse has mentioned me to you? Told you about our dealings?
Your "dealings"?
He hasn't taken you into his confidence?
Suppose I'm not surprised. You are holding him back.
You see...
And how do I find a way of saying this without hurting your feelings?
My God, it's hypnotic, isn't it?
Like a school bus crash. It's...
I can't take my eyes off your face...
Cassidy, shut up.
Well, he's doing all the talking.
Why don't we make him shut up?
I wanna hear what he has to say, okay?
That's right, Tulip, you understand.
Jesse Custer is heading for big things.
Greatness. Glory. Power. He's a very special person.
And deep down, whether he's ready to admit it or not,
he knows the two of you just aren't.
So, my question, what this has been about from the beginning,
that I think we should really dig into and discuss here,
given that the fate of the entire universe is at stake is,
"How shall we proceed?"
God is gone...
From our hearts.
From town to town and cities across the world,
His absence is real.
The loss of Him widely felt,
leaving us poor sinners alone
to grapple with the age-old, eternal question,
"What happens next?"
I answer that question with hope.
God is gone, but His promise remains.
The promise that, when all seems most lost,
His Son will return to save us.
Jesus, or a reasonable approximation thereof, is coming.
You need not doubt or fear much longer.
All you need to do is get ready.
Hey.
I gave Denis some blood.
His head's... It's at a funny angle,
but he's sleeping.
Thanks.
What happened?
What happened with you?
Let's get something to eat.
Now, look, I'm telling you. I seen it.
I seen it with me own two eyes.
Cass, the amount of crap you've put in your body...
I'm sure you've seen all kinds of things.
Well, I will have you know
that I was damn near completely sober at the time, right?
Listen to this.
I was lying by the campfire there,
I hear a bit of a noise, so I went down to the river to investigate,
and there it was, just...
You know...
Licking an ice cream cone, huh?
"Licking an ice cream"?
How'd you get that from what I just did?
'Cause that's what it looked like.
Like it were eating an ice cream cone.
Where the bloody hell is it gonna get an ice cream cone?
The ice cream truck?
You're just trying to ruin my story and I don't like it.
It was drinking river water.
The unicorn?
Honestly. Stood under the stars.
It was just, beautiful scene. Regal.
Majestic creature.
- He was thirsty? - Well, yeah.
It's clip-clopping around with an enormous horn on its head.
You know? I can only imagine the dehydration with that.
And eating all that ice cream could not have helped.
There wasn't any ice cream!
That's right. Ice cream makes you thirsty.
- Known fact. - Now, stop it.
We're out in the middle of the forest.
Where in the heck is it gonna find an ice cream truck?
- Just sayin'... - Stop it.
Bloody moron.
So, are you gonna say it, or should we?
- What? - We met your friend.
The one with the head like an old egg.
When?
"The Messiah"?
Come on. That's a joke, right?
Padre. Tell me you're jokin'.
I don't think I have a choice.
What are you talking about?
Course, you have... You've got lots of choices.
What about finding God?
I found Him already.
What?
Well, sort of.
Do you remember Man-Dog?
No!
I knew there was something about that dog.
Well, I got to thinking, is it worth finding a God like this?
And honestly, I don't know.
What I do know is, someone worse
is getting set to take his place.
All right. Let him take His place.
They've been rotating kinky gods on and off the throne
since the beginning of time.
You know? We've always been all right.
Not this time.
Humperdoo being the savior of the world? No.
I have to do this.
See? Told you.
No, I don't see, I don't see this at all.
Look, you, the Messiah?
No offense, Padre, but that has gotta be
the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
- Why not me? - Have you met yourself?
Padre, you drink, you fight.
You like to break people's arms
just to hear the sounds they make.
You're just a person like the rest of us, Jess.
No, I'm not, Cass.
See, I was given this power. Me. Not anyone else.
Me.
You know, a long time ago, I made this promise...
"A long time ago, I made this promise
"to me dad to be good." We remember.
You made a promise. You did. What about us?
Well, you can come with me.
Hard part's over, the Saint's gone.
We can go back to saving the world and having fun.
God, do you remember that time,
and honestly, it feels like ages ago now...
We were talking about bikinis and hand guns.
Just getting into trouble. Right?
To me that's fun. That's fun. Not bowing down to Lord Jesse.
Come on, Cass. It's not gonna be like that.
No? Well, what's it gonna be like, then?
'Cause I'm super curious to hear about it.
I don't know.
Guys.
Come on.
I love you, Jesse. Till the end of the world.
But you gotta be honest with me.
What do you need us for?
What...
Tell Satan I want a word.
He'll want a word with you as well.
- Any word? - Not yet.
Find them!
This way. Come on.
Baby, put the gun down, okay?
She didn't mean anything to me, all right? I love you.
You can't talk your way out of this one.
- Not this time. - Baby.
You gotta believe me, baby. It was just sex.
Just a lot of really great sex.
You son of a bitch!
Oh, my God.
Babies?
Never mind. Keep moving!
Two days. Three at most.
Take the horse, keep to your affairs.
Come back to us.
Where are your friends?
They couldn't make it.
That's too bad.
But I knew you'd make the right decision.
What happens next?