I just don't understand.
I've been to Hell and back...
to that.
Everyone's dead.
I don't get it. What was the point?
Unless...
Unless going to Hell is what saves me.
If it hadn't been for Hell, I'd be dead now too.
Which means...
It means that God wants me alive.
Yeah.
Of course, I'm...
part of a plan...
a bigger purpose that God has in mind for me.
Something...
something he is going to reveal when the time is right.
I get it now.
My story is just beginning.
Here's a story.
When I was four, my mom shot my dad for stabbing her.
They both died.
Went to live with my aunt.
Her meth cook blew.
She died.
Went to stay with my grandma.
She was church-y, like you,
but she didn't try to trick me or hit me with hand tools.
She was chill.
[chuckles softly]
She choked on a peach pit during breakfast,
turned purple, puffy.
She died.
The end.
At least you survived, right?
That's good.
Maybe you write a book about it?
Dude, you in an orphanage.
You ugly, you crazy,
and I think you might be stupid, too.
This is the end of the line.
Your story ends here.
[PA beeps]
[administrator] Root, Eugene.
You've been adopted.
[triumphant music plays]
[inhales deeply]
[administrator] Eugene, there's someone here to see you.
[ominous music plays]
Who are you?
This is your new foster parent.
Just a little paperwork,
and then you both can be on your way.
Um, sir? About that paperwork?
Lucky son of a bitch.
You're not actually adopting me...
are you?
You're taking me back.
That doesn't make any sense.
Why would God bring me back here?
I don't get it.
God ain't got nothin' to do with it.
Do you understand?
No.
I don't.
God's got something to do with everything.
Can you put me down, please?
You're... you're pulling on my chest hairs.
[chains rattle]
So
we're walking back?
Gotta make a stop first.
Take all the stops you need.
Let's see where this story takes us!
It takes us to Hell.
[harpsichord music plays]
I am Eccarius.
Welcome to Les Enfants du Sang.
[together] Children of Blood.
I know. I know. You keep sayin' it.
My God.
Oh, me arse.
What the hell do you want?
Your, um, clothes.
He means to wash them.
They're quite filthy.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Yeah, I'm gonna strip for yeh,
right after I let you make-believers paint my fingernails--
Will you just stop it? Dude, stop with the piano, all right?
Thank you so much.
[exhales sharply]
So, you lot-- you all wanna be vampires, huh?
More than anything.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, right.
You all want to be hated, spat on,
chased down by arseholes,
have everyone you ever loved or cared about--
they get old, they just die,
and leave you on your own, you know?
You get so bloody bored, you drink engine coolant
just to feel something new, all right?
Is that what you want, you bunch of bloody posers, is it?
You have us wrong.
This is a collection of men and women
dedicated to protecting the Ways Of the Night.
[owl hoots]
I am their lord.
They are my children.
I'm no poseur.
Ohh. No, it's not poseur, like that.
It's poser, isn't it?
-And-- -Kevin?
[footsteps]
Meemaw, not now! We're busy!
Sorry! Didn't know you had guests!
Jesus Christ, you guys are lame.
I'm leaving. It's a "no," friend.
"Anything that's new"?
Is that what you say you seek?
I bet I could show you something.
I bet you couldn't show me a single thing
I haven't already seen a hundred times.
Ever seen this?
[owl hooting]
See, brother?
I'm no poser.
[Jody] This is happenin', kid.
Ain't nothin' you can do.
And she brought it on herself, Lil' Jesse.
Now, I gave her some of my special number
to make it as painless as possible,
but the fact remains, she tried to kill Miss Marie.
That's because Sabina told her to, you assholes.
She's the one to be mad at.
How long they got?
Her heart... is hurt bad.
Without her medicine?
Less than a day.
[machine pumping]
Let me ask you a question.
You wanna buy Gran'ma some time by feedin' her one soul?
Or you want to save her goddamn life
with a bunch of 'em?
'Cause if you wanna save her...
we need to rob a bank.
You're talking about Sabina's bank,
the one she keep all her souls in.
Got security up the ying yang. We tried it before.
I'm sure you have.
But you didn't have Tulip before, did you?
Lil' Jesse's got a plan.
We're listenin'.
Well, the first thing I think we need to do
is kill them both.
Tulip and Gran'ma,
we kill them, and we bury them.
I don't get it.
I do.
[Jesse] "God moves in a mysterious way...
His wonders to perform."
"He plants His footsteps in the sea,
and rides upon the storm."
Amen.
Amen. [sobs]
Looks like his girlfriend took your advice.
They're both dead.
Such a beautiful service.
[Tulip] Was he the only one who cried?
Third time you've died, Tulip.
I'm all out of tears.
[Tulip] Still...
Hey, I was thinkin',
remember that job we did in Las Cruces?
Mm-hmm.
Remember this?
Hell yes, I remember that.
[chuckles]
All right, bitches, clock's ticking.
Let's go steal some shit.
[funky music plays]
[whirring]
[man] One hundred, two, three, four, five, six...
[clanking]
[Tulip] Phew.
That's a lot of security.
We're a small-town bank, but our customers sleep better
knowing their valuables are secure.
Well, they must be sleepin' great.
Let me just open your new box.
Oh, I seen one of them before. You just put your--
[beeps]
[metal creaks]
...tongue across it.
We upgraded the old system.
New Asian technology.
Each safety deposit box can only be opened by its owner's saliva.
Cool, huh?
Really cool.
[chuckles nervously]
Well, thank you for your time, Carter.
Anything else we can help you with, Ms. Pomerantz?
No, I don't--
[sighs]
My glasses.
Oh, one more thing...
what time do you close?
Five o'clock sharp.
Well, okay, then.
[elevator music plays]
Any word yet on the vampire?
Still searching, sir.
[scoffs] How hard can it be to find an Irish demon
carted off by a hooting pack of cape-wearing nobodies?
Well, it is New Orleans, sir.
[Starr] I seek power, Hoover.
Untrammeled authority
to force this disordered world to its knees
so it may weep and grovel at my jackboot.
-Great. -In order to amass this power,
I need to squeeze Jesse Custer.
In order to achieve that squeezing, I need leverage.
In order to gain said leverage, I need to f--
Find the vampire. Yes. I'll reach out to my police contacts.
We can't use the usual channels.
The Allfather is watching us.
He has eyes and ears everywhere.
He seems more fat than scary.
Don't be fooled. The Allfather is a cold killer.
He makes me look like a conscientious objector.
Do you know what I saw him do once
to a man who displeased him?
[dramatic music plays]
No! No! [exhales sharply]
[screaming]
You have transgressed, brother.
And that was for touching the Allfather's Hot Pocket.
We are plotting a coup.
Imagine what he'd do to us.
[gulps]
I'm relying on you, Hoover.
[elevator music continues]
What is taking so long?
Oh.
-[whirring] -Forgot to push the button.
[harpsichord music plays]
Tonight, we perform our blood ceremony.
[exhales] Jesus.
Who's prepared to lie back and take flight?
Deng, my child.
Are you ready?
I think so, my lord.
[sighs]
You are.
[chuckles softly]
Until tonight.
[indistinct conversations]
Mrs. Rosen doesn't allow smoking down here.
Who the hell's Mrs. Rosen?
Kevin's grandmother.
Lovely woman. Terrific cook.
She also provides cover in case of interlopers.
Oh. You must be beating back the interlopers
with a stick around here, huh?
Will you join us for tonight's ceremony?
I think you'll enjoy it.
I'd love to, but I got a date with Bourbon Street.
Thanks for the fluff and fold.
That's a pity.
I've waited such a long time to meet someone like...
me.
Can I ask you a couple of questions?
Of course.
You're like royalty, right?
I am the Ninth Earl of Saxon-On-Thames.
Right. And you speak like, what,
like, eight languages or something?
-Nineteen. -[Cassidy] Nineteen.
You play classical music?
On my harp. Bach sonatas, mainly.
And you enjoy taking molly caps and going to strip clubs?
I wouldn't...
Listen. You and I are nothing alike, mate.
Ah, but we are.
Ancient Ones, both. Night Wraiths.
Travelers of the Last Dawn.
You're a bloody joke is what you are!
You're a cliché, mate.
Bloody "Night Wraith." Please. You're just a vampire!
Of course. What's wrong with that?
What's wrong with it is being a vampire sucks, all right?
-Does it, now? -Yes.
Perhaps you've been doing it wrong.
[suspenseful music plays]
[Tulip] Three guards, Glocks.
Vault guy's got an 870 shotgun.
Dozen CCTVs-- six fixed, six sweeping.
Manager keys his safe door, then hits a 14-bit keypad.
In other words?
[sirens wailing]
Piece of cake.
[chuckles]
[sirens intensify]
[tires screech]
[indistinct shouting]
Seven-minute response time.
That enough time?
Wish it were more.
[sirens wailing]
We can buy you some.
Okay.
It means you got until five o'clock
to get us some spit.
[engine starts]
[tires squealing]
[elevator bell dings]
Good morning, sir.
There goes my morning erection.
Messages?
Xi Jinping, Robert Mueller, Meghan Markle--
-Is that shit? -Yes, sir.
-His own? -Yes, for the most part.
He's on timeout before his ballroom dancing lesson.
Durando's hosing him down as we speak.
Love the new hat, sir.
Very Cabaret.
[Hoover] I was thinking the same thing...
the Liza Minnelli role.
I need to be alone.
Uh, sir, one last thing...
[sighs]
[dramatic music plays]
[man] Thrice blessed, O Starr.
[door creaks]
[Madame Boyd] I heard about your loss.
Sorry.
Thanks.
I also heard you were down here
beating up guys for no good reason.
My girlfriend killed my grandma, and now she's dead, too.
Seemed like reason enough for me.
You didn't want me to come here?
Draw me out?
Well, if you did, it worked.
Here I am...
me and my friends.
What would I want with you and your friends?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe you figured I had something to do with it?
If I figured you'd had something to do with Tulip's death...
I would spit in your face and break your neck
before any of your "friends"
could take two steps across the room.
[chuckles softly]
You didn't do anything.
I screwed up.
You're damn right.
From the moment you walked out on me,
from the moment you killed my brother.
Oh, gimme a break from that bullshit.
I don't like what happened to Kenny.
It was self-defense, and you know it--
You killed him.
And you liked it plenty.
You're a goddamn murderer. I should spit in your face.
Well, go on, then.
Spit in my face, you bitch.
Then we can call it even.
I'll spit on your grave.
Nothing to live for, anyway.
So that's a date.
[blues song plays]
You know, sometimes I think about when we were kids.
I liked you so much.
I liked you, too.
I mean, you were the first boy
that took me shopliftin' on a date.
You were the first girl to play me Johnny Cash.
That's right. "Man in Black."
-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm.
[chuckles softly]
Can I ask you a question?
Do you promise to tell me the truth?
Would it make me the worst person in the world...
if I kissed you on the day I buried my girlfriend?
Yeah.
It would.
-[sighs] -Well, that took forever.
Worth it, though, right?
The plan was for her to spit in your face.
Yeah, well, I had to improvise.
Well, lucky you just happened to bring along
your tongue scraper, huh?
Yeah, that's-- that's real lucky.
It'll still work, right?
Yeah, probably.
All right, then. Quit complainin' and let's go.
[engine starts]
[tires squeal]
[tires screech]
[up-tempo music plays]
You need me for this?
Not really.
I-I usually do a little better with some privacy.
What are you gonna do?
Somethin' for Miss Marie.
[alarm ringing]
[siren wailing]
[dispatcher] All units, a man just walked into a petting zoo.
Dispatch, we are responding to a bank robbery.
Who cares if some guy walks into--
Listen to me, Bill, it's T.C.
[tires squealing]
[gunshots, glass shatters]
[alarm ringing continues]
[sirens wailing]
[goat bleats]
[dramatic music plays]
Welcome, Allfather.
I wasn't... expecting you.
[clears throat]
But we are honored to have you here in New Orleans.
Have you sampled the local cuisine?
Perhaps you find it a little light for your liking?
Not enough, um, eh...
not enough sauces?
Your head looks like a penis, Starr.
Yes. I...
[clears throat]
Work injury.
[wheezes]
Do you know the symbol for the Crusaders of Jerusalem?
Um...sword?
Lance, perhaps?
His spurs.
Of course.
I knew it was something metal.
The horse, you see, was the greatest asset a knight had,
the thing which he entrusted his life with.
So if his horse ever stumbled and fell, well...
that was a very sad day.
I can imagine.
The knight couldn't just shoot his steed in the head
and be done with it.
That would lack the requisite ceremony.
The noblest, most...
God-fearing Crusader
had no choice but to eat his horse.
[suspenseful music plays]
[chair creaks]
[bell tinkling]
We have much to discuss, Herr Starr.
But first...
we eat.
[whirring]
[whirring intensifies]
[whimsical music plays]
See?
Powers you didn't even know existed.
There's-- All right.
There's other ways of getting high, you know.
Come on.
-[jazz music plays] -[indistinct conversations]
[bartender] Another ginger ale?
Perhaps later.
Yeah, pace yourself.
So, how do you get laid, man?
You're like a weird, more boring George Washington.
I do all right.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about your "children,"
with the pretend teeth.
Very sexy indeed.
Tell you what-- let me show you
how it goes in the real world, all right?
Sorry-- Sorry to bother you.
Um, I just saw you from across...
[indistinct talking]
[Cassidy] All right, then.
All right, it's a bad example. She's here with her dad.
-[clears throat] -Let me just, um...
Attractive woman...
come to me.
[eerie music plays]
What? Oh, come on.
No. Heh.
All right. I'm impressed by it.
I'm impre-- I'm impressed by it.
For Christ's sake.
Oh, my God!
-Pervert! -What?
-Come on, Dad. -That's amazing!
What about that?
Invisibility. Unbelievable.
[Eccarius] Don't be foolish.
No one can turn invisible.
That's bloody cool.
Well, thank you very much for a pleasant evening.
Feel free to look me up again.
All right.
All right, all right. I give. I give.
Sorry?
All that in there, with the powers and that,
how were you doing that?
[Ecclarius] Tonight, we accept another into our inner sanctum,
a blessing many covet but few possess.
Do you trust me?
I do.
Do you choose this freely?
I do.
Will you forsake the sunlit world
and surrender to our dark and scarlet urging?
I do, my lord.
I-- I will.
[roars]
[gurgling, choking]
[inhales sharply]
Rise, my son.
[panting]
How do you feel?
Awesome!
[cackles]
Yes!
[applause]
[cackling]
Whoo!
[man] My turn next, right?
-So, what did you think? -What do I think?
That's your secret sauce?
The blood of morons, mate?
You're damning them so you can just flit about in the sky
and turn into a cat for laughs?
I'm gonna tear your bleedin' head off, ya--
[dramatic music plays]
Did you feel damned as you flew among the stars tonight?
Look. Turning people, it's wrong.
Trust me. I know about it.
And this person that you brought through,
or "turned" as you put it...
were they a good person?
He was my son. All right?
And was he a good person?
All right, actually, he was a bit of a dick.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Each of the people that I select
is not only a willing participant,
but a good person
willing to honor and protect our traditions.
All right, all right.
You know what? Fair enough.
It's just-- it's not my cuppa tea.
I don't like it, all right?
All right.
No, don't go.
There's more than what you've seen so far.
There's things that I want to share with you.
Why? Why do you need me?
You've got this thing going on here,
and it's clearly working out for you.
What do you need me for, for Christ's sake?
I was looking for a friend.
[slow music plays]
Aren't you?
I got enough friends, all right?
[wheezes]
[dramatic music plays]
[T.C.] Hurry up, Little Jesse.
Here you go, Miss Marie.
Here's your medicine.
There's not many.
It's enough for now.
Keep you two alive.
Here it is. Here it is. There you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.
Okay, here's another one.
Oh, yeah.
[moaning softly]
* When I'm in my head
* Down on the ground
* I listen to
* The long droning sound
* Of sinners a-plenty
* Our pain runs deep
* Deeper than oceans
* Deeper than sleep
[cellphone ringing]
[ringing continues]
[Cassidy] Hello?
Cass?
Hi.
How are you?
I'm doin' all right, you know?
Good. Well, that's good.
Um...
How's New Orleans? [chuckles]
New Orleans is New Orleans, you know?
Yeah.
Well...
man, it's-- it's been crazy here.
I mean, it's-- it's all kicked off.
We got in this big fight, uh, with Jody and T.C.,
and, um, it was huge.
I mean, it was...
Well, anyway, I won, obviously.
No problem. [chuckles]
But Jesse, he, uh...
he went and got himself stuck in an underwater coffin.
He got out eventually, you know, so don't worry.
So that's good.
I killed Gran'ma.
I mean, I really, actually did kill her.
I mean, she was dead...
and then, she got better.
Unfortunately.
Mm... what else?
Um...
[inhales sharply]
Cut my hair.
Oh! We robbed a bank with some spit.
Can you believe you can do that now?
So, yeah.
Pretty crazy. [chuckles]
Are you still there, Cass?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm-- I'm still here. Yeah.
What are you doing?
Lots of things, actually.
Um...
Yep.
You're in a crack house, aren't you?
No.
It's not a house.
You know what?
You might be bored and lonely and...
feeling sorry for your sorry ass,
but you've got to wise up and cut the crap,
because when we get out of here, which we will do,
me and Jesse, we're gonna come find you,
and we're gonna hit the road again, okay?
So, you better just-- just hang in there
and stay alive, okay?
Tulip?
Yeah?
I've been alive 119 years now.
The you and Jesses of this world,
I've gone through thousands of 'em.
And I'll go through thousands more.
I don't "hang in" for people.
I move on.
[cellphone clicks]
[footsteps approach]
[moans]
[exhales deeply]
[chuckles]
Thank you.
I'm glad you're feeling better.
For your girl's sake, I'm sure you are.
I mean, these two featherbrains
have been tryin' to bust into Sabina's bank for years,
and they never got past the teller booth.
That's true. [chuckles]
Tulip still on the phone?
Nope.
That girl of yours is clever.
-Yeah. -About banks.
In other things, less so.
Like tryin' to kill Miss Marie.
-Mm. -Not so clever.
Mm-mmm.
[Gran'ma] Mischief and mayhem, Jesse.
Insolence since the day you both arrived.
I gave you what you wanted.
No, you gave me what I needed.
What I want is your debt paid.
If you touch Tulip,
I will not lift another finger for you...
except to wring your goddamn--
[thud]
Get her ready.
[machine pumping]
[bubbling]
What are we gonna do with her now?
She's strong.
We'll fight her in The Tombs.
[wheezing]
[gunshots]
Person ain't nothin' without their soul.
I will pay your debt.
I will get you what you want.
But not like this.
It's time to call The Grail.
Did you enjoy your hind quarters?
Very much, Monsieur.
Thank you.
[gagging]
[vomits]
The Apocalypse approaches.
Looking forward to it, Allfather.
On our command, the world governments will loose
their nuclear arsenals, and the world will be made anew.
Nuclear?
End of the world.
As ordained.
I... I thought that meant a run on the banks.
Only fire can separate the True Believer from the False.
Only fire can pave the way for our Lord.
Jesus Christ.
Exactly.
Are you a True Believer, Starr?
Of course I am.
Are you, though?
I serve the Holy Child and his tap-dancing majesty.
Good.
[chair creaks]
[exhales uneasily]
Then let's talk about Jesse Custer.
[doorbell rings]
[exhales sharply]
Hey, Mrs. Rosen.
Mr. Cassidy. You came back!
Oh, my goodness. Everyone'll be thrilled.
Are you okay? You look poorly.
Ohh. I've been smokin' crack all day.
[clears throat]
Dear, that's no good for you.
Come inside.
I'm making blondies!
Oh!
Thank you.
[Mrs. Rosen] Yoo-hoo! Everyone!
Look who's home!